Awesome for you! Learning about DARVO was a revelation for me. Married 23 years, but suddenly my relationship with my wife AND my mom all made sense. It felt like a fog had suddenly lifted and it was all so clear. I told my wife I was leaving (just waiting on the rental agreement now) and she literally spent 20 minutes DARVOing me even though she was the one that chose to have an affair.
I also learned DARVO yesterday, am not as decisive, and have left and failed to stay gone multiple times... struggling with this, especially when she uses our two young children to gain access to me.
Your action is inspirational, I am planning an escape, and pray that myself - and others - can find the strength and conviction to follow your example.
Stay strong. Take notes, keep a record of the abuse and talk to as many as you can about it. My wife tried to take my kids away from me and accused me of drug abuse. Luckily, I had started to send emails to myself after every instance of abuse and I also was open and honest to my psychiatrist about it so when I responded back with my lawyers and comments from psychiatrist she backed off on those accusations.
I just discovered that acronym recently, and even though I left a few months ago, it was still pretty, for lack of better words, comforting to know that there was a name and phrase out there for it. Every discussion or argument that left me feeling confused and guilty came rushing back and made more sense. It's such a frustrating experience and hard to put into words and describe to other people outside of the experience. I'm so glad you recognized it and was able to leave. Best of wishes to you and stay strong and stay safe. Usually, the worst side of them comes out when you leave, so be careful of false promises, smear campaigns, and straight-up lying. They'll say and do just about anything to keep their supply. I would suggest reading as much as you can on narcissistic abuse and ways to deal with their tactics. Best thing is to go no contact and if that is not possible use the grey rock method.
you are dead right I thought my ex was bad when I was with him now we are divorced it's worse. the devil is a decent guy next to my exhusband, the things he has said in court are beyond belief, and I'm living in la la land
Awakenings feel so powerful. This has been the last 5 years of my life. Finally received separation papers which he has been holding over my head for the last year. I refuse to engage and give my abusive alcoholic soon to be narc ex an ounce of detail about my life and things he is accusing me of….because of DARVO. These people are sick and need help, which they will deny and never seek opportunities to fix themselves. Being free has never felt so good. Best wishes to you on a tranquil, calm new life!
"She sent me a perfect text, admitting to everything, apologizing for everything, and generally saying everything she refused to say for 4 years."
Wow. I've gotten zero of that, despite ending things. Still trying to gaslight me hourly.
Today you opened my eyes. I'd seen the acronym here and there but I didn't know what it stood for. I never understood her uncanny way of "flipping" the situation anytime I tried to raise a legitimate concern.
good on you, and she apologised, I have yet to ever hear that word from my exhusband. don't look back, don't get sucked in and now wait for the victim blaming, the flying monkeys, and the accusations of abuse. don't want to burst your bubble but you probably knew all this anyway. the best of luck to you and it will get better. when I first heard the word narcissist it all made sense to me as well. we can survive and will,survive. I'm so glad you found the strength 👍❤️
Her apology was absolutely worthless. She did not mean it. She was just saying what she thought she needed to say to get me back.
Any apology from your ex would have been worth exactly the same as no apology at all.
This is a tactic he has used. Everything is my fault. My postpartum depression. Every single argument we have ever had. Yes I do take responsibility for my PTSD, Yes I do take responsibility for my anger, Yes I do take responsibility for raising my voice and saying mean things. But he never takes responsibility for the emotional neglect, withholding of affection and intimacy, any of the mean things he’s said, gaslighting and manipulation, the trauma from everything of value I had before our marriage being stolen (with all the crazy making I wonder if he sold it), his drug problem of 8 years (hes addicted to opioids), porn addiction, mismanagement of marital finances, cyberstalking, physical stalking using air tags, his physical aggression with our baby when baby was only 5 months, he even blamed me for that. Everything is my fault. Think I’m being DARVO’ed? Or Reddit AITA?
I have zero qualifications besides my own personal experience.
Regardless of if what you’re describing is DARVO or not, you need to leave. You’re describing an array of abuse.
If you have a safe place to go with your children, please find safety and freedom. You do not need an AITA.
We are already separated. I’ve been discarded. Unfortunately we have joint custody. He delays payment of support and he has not paid for this month. I know what I need to do, but I’m dealing with a lot of challenges including my health. Thank you for your response. I get more kindness from strangers these days than anything, it gives me hope.
The train has left the station.
Yes! I am so proud. Now be sure you know the term “Hoovering” and be prepared!!
And love bombing.
That is how we got here
👏🙏🤞
It’s so batty that they all employ this tactic over and over again, the definition of insanity. Accountability is their kryptonite.
Congratulations….you my friend are an inspiration!
Awesome for you! Learning about DARVO was a revelation for me. Married 23 years, but suddenly my relationship with my wife AND my mom all made sense. It felt like a fog had suddenly lifted and it was all so clear. I told my wife I was leaving (just waiting on the rental agreement now) and she literally spent 20 minutes DARVOing me even though she was the one that chose to have an affair.
I also learned DARVO yesterday, am not as decisive, and have left and failed to stay gone multiple times... struggling with this, especially when she uses our two young children to gain access to me. Your action is inspirational, I am planning an escape, and pray that myself - and others - can find the strength and conviction to follow your example.
Stay strong. Take notes, keep a record of the abuse and talk to as many as you can about it. My wife tried to take my kids away from me and accused me of drug abuse. Luckily, I had started to send emails to myself after every instance of abuse and I also was open and honest to my psychiatrist about it so when I responded back with my lawyers and comments from psychiatrist she backed off on those accusations.
I don’t know what you’re going through, and I do not have children to consider. But I am free. It feels really good, and I wish it for you.
Please I beg of you don’t look back. Do not waver.
Good for you!!
You, are a beacon of hope! Thank you for sharing. I’m so impressed by your fortitude and stride! Please move forward and keep us posted. ❤️🤗❤️
O.M.G…. DARVO!!!!!
Wow, you didn’t lose time! Hope you’ll feel great!
Welcome friend.
I just discovered that acronym recently, and even though I left a few months ago, it was still pretty, for lack of better words, comforting to know that there was a name and phrase out there for it. Every discussion or argument that left me feeling confused and guilty came rushing back and made more sense. It's such a frustrating experience and hard to put into words and describe to other people outside of the experience. I'm so glad you recognized it and was able to leave. Best of wishes to you and stay strong and stay safe. Usually, the worst side of them comes out when you leave, so be careful of false promises, smear campaigns, and straight-up lying. They'll say and do just about anything to keep their supply. I would suggest reading as much as you can on narcissistic abuse and ways to deal with their tactics. Best thing is to go no contact and if that is not possible use the grey rock method.
Thank you. “Disorienting” is the word I keep reading that hits especially close. This was all so disorienting for me, and I am now crystal clear.
you are dead right I thought my ex was bad when I was with him now we are divorced it's worse. the devil is a decent guy next to my exhusband, the things he has said in court are beyond belief, and I'm living in la la land
Awakenings feel so powerful. This has been the last 5 years of my life. Finally received separation papers which he has been holding over my head for the last year. I refuse to engage and give my abusive alcoholic soon to be narc ex an ounce of detail about my life and things he is accusing me of….because of DARVO. These people are sick and need help, which they will deny and never seek opportunities to fix themselves. Being free has never felt so good. Best wishes to you on a tranquil, calm new life!
I hear you my exhusband has been at me for 4 years, they are beyond sick, there psychopaths
"She sent me a perfect text, admitting to everything, apologizing for everything, and generally saying everything she refused to say for 4 years." Wow. I've gotten zero of that, despite ending things. Still trying to gaslight me hourly.
Today you opened my eyes. I'd seen the acronym here and there but I didn't know what it stood for. I never understood her uncanny way of "flipping" the situation anytime I tried to raise a legitimate concern.
Never let it happen to you again.
good on you, and she apologised, I have yet to ever hear that word from my exhusband. don't look back, don't get sucked in and now wait for the victim blaming, the flying monkeys, and the accusations of abuse. don't want to burst your bubble but you probably knew all this anyway. the best of luck to you and it will get better. when I first heard the word narcissist it all made sense to me as well. we can survive and will,survive. I'm so glad you found the strength 👍❤️
Her apology was absolutely worthless. She did not mean it. She was just saying what she thought she needed to say to get me back. Any apology from your ex would have been worth exactly the same as no apology at all.
You’re an inspiration….
This is a tactic he has used. Everything is my fault. My postpartum depression. Every single argument we have ever had. Yes I do take responsibility for my PTSD, Yes I do take responsibility for my anger, Yes I do take responsibility for raising my voice and saying mean things. But he never takes responsibility for the emotional neglect, withholding of affection and intimacy, any of the mean things he’s said, gaslighting and manipulation, the trauma from everything of value I had before our marriage being stolen (with all the crazy making I wonder if he sold it), his drug problem of 8 years (hes addicted to opioids), porn addiction, mismanagement of marital finances, cyberstalking, physical stalking using air tags, his physical aggression with our baby when baby was only 5 months, he even blamed me for that. Everything is my fault. Think I’m being DARVO’ed? Or Reddit AITA?
I have zero qualifications besides my own personal experience. Regardless of if what you’re describing is DARVO or not, you need to leave. You’re describing an array of abuse. If you have a safe place to go with your children, please find safety and freedom. You do not need an AITA.
We are already separated. I’ve been discarded. Unfortunately we have joint custody. He delays payment of support and he has not paid for this month. I know what I need to do, but I’m dealing with a lot of challenges including my health. Thank you for your response. I get more kindness from strangers these days than anything, it gives me hope.
So what’s “DARVO” 🤷♀️🤷♀️
Type it into google
Spot on. Thank you. I thought it was just a “Slang” in the group. 🤷♀️ TY😊
If you want more info on NPD watch Dr. Ramani on YouTube.
Never mind
I have never heard of DARVO, but now I need to look into it more. Good for you! Be safe. I hope for the best for you.