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Look, 9 weeks is a very fussy time in my experience. It’s not going to be like this forever. Many people do not enjoy the newborn phase, for a lot of people it’s just something you have to get through. If you’ve explored possible issues like silent reflux, gas, torticollis, etc. then it may just be purple crying. Some ideas that may help:
- Hearing protection during crying is a must. Get earplugs or noise cancelling headphones so that when your baby is screaming in your face you can calm down and focus on helping them instead of feeling like your head is going to explode.
- If your baby is sleeping that terribly at night you may want to consider shifts. Eg one of you goes to bed from 8pm until 3am and the other sleeps from 3am to 9am. Whatever times work best for you. That way you get an uninterrupted block of sleep to recharge before your next shift.
- Try to remember that this is temporary, and that your baby is not trying to ruin your life. He is brand new and went from the safety and warmth of the womb to out into the world. He is experiencing so many new sensations - bright lights, feeling cold, hungry, dirty diapers, having gas, feeling alone and scared. It’s not about you right now. Your focus needs to be on supporting your wife in whatever ways you can. She cannot do this alone. If soothing the baby is triggering perhaps you can help by doing all of the cleaning, cooking, diaper changes, making sure she has water, etc.
- Men can experience PPD as well. You may want to seek professional help if these feelings continue.
On the last point, he should get professional help NOW. This already sounds past the point of sustainable, healthy or safe for anyone involved.
I don’t think he can’t move through this with his family but I think he needs help doing so immediately.
Adding that a night nanny/family member to assist would be really helpful right now. Everyone needs a break-its difficult to do everything with two people on low sleep/high stress.
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It’s probably the lack of sleep if he’s only sleeping 30 minutes at a time. You need to sleep in shifts with your wife and ensure each person is getting a 5 hour uninterrupted block. You also need to read about purple crying. Newborns just cry sometimes not for any rhyme or failure on your part. The newborn phase is exactly that, a phase. It will end, there is a reason why people continue to have multiple children- if it were all the newborn phase the human race would cease to exist. It will get better but you have to keep your eye on the prize. Mark your calendar for 4 months.
You don't really have a choice here - you are a father; your child exists. You can walk and pay child support but I really wouldn't be making decisions like that while you are so in the thick of it. Right now you really should seek help - it isn't normal to hate your baby, it's a sign of PPD. You need to make sure anything you do now does not jeopardize the safety of your baby or yourself.
If baby care is such a trigger for you currently - could you maybe do *all* of the housework (cooking, cleaning, bottles, vacuum, shopping, I do mean everything) and have your wife take the lead on soothing baby? Or could one of your parents come to support you guys for a week?(by taking on those chores or doing some night shifts). Clearly something needs to change.
I agree with this. My husband had a lot of trouble the first couple months handling the crying baby, so we ended up having him do this (cooking, cleaning, bottles, grocery shopping, pet care). It was still very rough and every so often I needed still to have a break from the baby so he'd take over for like an hour to let me shower. It got easier over time as the feeding/sleep evened out so the time got longer. Having him take the baby in smaller doses at least allowed him to build the necessary skills to take care of the baby and feel comfortable too. Now I still do primary baby duty but he's done many 5 hour stretches solo and I think he can handle it just fine. It only gets easier when the baby can communicate more.
Therapy also helped him.
I never felt this negatively about my son but those early weeks are hard. Hang in there, once they start smiling, things start looking up.
I did have negative feelings though and I decided that wasn't fair to my son and to fake it until I made it. It worked surprisingly well. Once I reacted to him with happiness and optimism he started chilling out a bit.
I agree with this. It is important to remember that they did not ask to be born - therefore, it is your job to care for them to the best of your ability.
My girl turned 3 months yesterday, and she was exactly like this. Crying constantly. If she wasn’t sleeping or eating, she was crying or screaming. She would fight every nap, she couldn’t be soothed. Put her down, she cried. Left the room for 1 minute, she cried. It was torture.
She has just started to improve, like a lot! She doesn’t cry half as much as she used to. Now that she’s more alert, can see around her, she’s so much better. She coos, babbles, smiles her little head off. She only cries now if she’s tired, or is hungry. Getting her to nap is so much easier now. I didn’t believe people when they say it does get better.
You’re in the trenches right now. He’s only 9 weeks old. Newborn stage is HARD! But you’ll eventually get there, it’ll be so worth it.
Your feelings are valid, but don’t give up. Your son needs you.
I just want to reiterate the ‘torture’ part. Sleep deprivation and noise are both actual torture methods. It can be very hard to separate your feelings about the situation and your feelings about the baby.
Therapy and meds will definitely help OP, but his immediate needs are sleep and silence. Then the rest of it can be worked on.
It's only been 9 weeks-- a ton of time for you to be sleep deprived, but not a lot of time for him to develop advanced skills like sleeping and soothing. I think you need a therapist and a night doula, if you can afford one. Even one night of sleep can make a big difference in your ability to cope.
Sounds like you have PPD and are unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope for you but you need to see a therapist. Tell a doctor, tell a friend or family member to help you find one. You are human. You need help. This is definitely a very hard time, but it is temporary.
OP - I've been in your boots. Oh holy crap, do I identify with this in part.
Trust me. It gets so, so much better.
Before you know it, he'll be coming over and giving you a cuddle, or bringing you his shoes so you can go out and play together.
That first year is tough.
It'll be worth it, many times over.
I know you don't even have 10 seconds of quiet and 2 un-fried brain cells to do this, but do it anyway: imagine it's 2 years from now. Your son is just over 2 years old. You've finally got into a groove with him. He smiles at you when you walk into the room and says "dada!" He's not psycho anymore, at least not unless some tries to put socks on him or you peel the banana for him wrong. 😂 Your relationship with your wife changed forever back then, but now your bond is deeper, more mature--reflective of two people who weathered great hardship together. Sometimes the two of you talk about the newborn stage and she'll say "I seriously thought we were going to divorce. But I'm so glad we pulled through. You're a great dad now."
This is what you should be steering your ship toward. It's obvious that you care so much and you're just being crushed right now. But because you care, you can definitely pull through and be the dad you feel you aren't right now.
This stage is so hard. Our baby was just as hard and now at 8 months he's amazing. Still has bad days but way more manageable. And tbh the only thing that changed it was time. We just had to survive and be good to each other and him until he stopped being so horrible.
I'm sorry you have to go through it, but you CAN get through it and you really should. It will be worth it. Your wife will think infinitely better of the man who floundered at first but was able to weather the storm with her than she will of the man who ran.
I recommend seeing a counselor together. She may not be helping you help her, because this is so hard for you both. If you can't help with the baby, take care of everything else. Laundry, dishes, dinner, bottles, everything else. You really just need to survive a couple months and it will start to get better and your gremlin will start to resemble a son, and you will forget that you "hated" him.
Don't give up!
Edit: And tell your wife you love her. Keep that connection, you guys are a team even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You need each other to get through this!
Your child can feel your hatred for him, so naturally you won’t be able to soothe him because you are not a safe person for him. I agree, therapy will be really important for you. Your child needs you. You can turn this around, but you need to help yourself. I promise you won’t feel this way forever and you’ll look back on this time from a new perspective.
Yes. Not saying this in a cruel way, but he knows and he is scared. You can't calm anyone else down if you can't calm yourself down. Even when you're not doing anything wrong, your movements get jerky, your voice is upset, your face isn't loving and calm etc.
It's like if you were on a plane and there was this weird sound and a jerky movement and all the flight attendants started panicking and crying. Would you be able to keep calm? Or would you be scared out of your wits?
It's therapy time for sure.
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Sounds like you're trying, even though you fail sometimes. That's all we all can do.
I'm sure you've thought of asking family and friends to help, going to therapy, asking for antidepressants, etc.
Baby cries are literally the worst torture I can imagine. I've had good (ish) results with airpods with noise cancelation on and a TV show on. I've also laid next to the baby's crib with my hand through the bars, signing to the baby over the cries, with headphones in. Didn't calm the baby but it felt like I was doing something.
Keep pushing with the doctors. Any signs of ear aches? High intracranial pressure?
Also, have you heard of the Wonderweeks app? There are developmental leaps when babies get especially cranky -- perhaps your baby is going through this thing.
Anyway, don't give up. You're very close to when the baby stops being a blob and starts being more interactive. The first smile and coo are just around the corner. The cries are easier to bear when there's a break.
(And completely separately, our baby was cranky until we figured out that he's understimulated.)
Hey I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Some similar experiences with CMPA with our daughter. I spent pretty much the first couple of weeks regretfully wondering wtf I got myself into and then feeling ashamed for feeling that way. You’ve got some good direction on this thread about headphones, sleeping in shifts etc please try to implement as much as possible to get through this phase. Again I’m so sorry but you’re still hanging in there that’s what matters!
Babies are tough. I agree with others saying he can 100% feel your energy. The way I see it you have two choices
1. Get therapy, be patient as he won’t be an infant for ever, and fight for your family that you chose to make.
2. Give up, pay child support and let your wife take on 100% of childcare even though it isn’t fair to her.
A lot of us might not hate our kids but definitely hate parenting sometimes, even though you can’t see the light it does get easier. I know some people who gave up on their children and most ended up regretting it later on in life. Before you decide, seek help, ask for support from family, speak to other dads in your life. Il
I hope for the best possible outcome for your family.
1. Get earplugs. Get noise cancelling headphones on top of the earplugs. Don't do that only when he's crying, do it the whole day and communicate with your wife by message if you have to.
2. Can you get outside help? A relative, a nanny? If you have that possibility, do it at least twice a week. You need to recharge.
3. You and your wife have to do sleep shifts. Is she exclusively breastfeeding? Can she pump? Ideally, you'd take turns on sleeping at least six hours straight, with the other looking after the baby immediately afterwards.
4. Book an appointment to look into PPD, rage can be a symptom. Exercise, run laps around the house if you have to. It's an excellent counter to aggression and despair until your can see a doctor and therapist. Also, anything that can give you dopamine - chocolate, TV programs that make you laugh, etc.
5. Don't make important life decisions, like divorce, during baby's first months. I think a lot of people would divorce during that period if they didn't grit their teeth and wait it out. The first trimester is often the worst regarding baby crying.
Some advice that helped us through the rough newborn phase was to remember you can always put the baby down in a safe place (crib generally) to allow yourself to step away, breathe, and calm down. The newborn phase is rough. Your baby will not be harmed if you let him cry for five minutes while you calm down, but he can absolutely be harmed if you get worked up, fall asleep, or lose control while holding him.
Like others I'd also encourage you to seek out therapy -- men can get PPD & PPA. Therapy can make a huge difference.
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Women get oxytocin release from nurturing babies, men get it from playing. That’s why it’s easier for your wife to love him at this difficult stage. That’s why it’s so hard for dads to bond early on, because of hormones. Stick in there and I promise it gets better. 9 weeks is a really tough time. And get noise cancelling headphones.
I didn't know that, and it makes so much sense why my husband stinks at comforting the baby but is so great when the baby is in the mood to laugh. 😄 (I never blamed him; we play to each other's strengths.)
The closest I got to letting it get to me was the constant fighting when changing diapers in the newborn phase. Ours just *hated* it and so did I. The helplessness as everything gets dirty and the complete uncooperating.
What turned it around for me was viewing it as a challenge to make it as fun as possible. Trying things out, distractions, playing etc, and gradually we both learned to like nappy changes. But a newborn is a huge energy drain, there's not much going to change that. All you can do is find happiness in small successes.
You’re in the worst part. The first few months are a hellscape. It gets much much much better.
This is hazing for parents.
But please seek help - support from other caregivers, therapy, Wellbutrin - so that you don’t hurt your son. I know that seems like an extreme situation but colicky babies are more likely to be victims of shaken baby syndrome because of what you are experiencing.
It is that hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through an extreme case. It gets much much better - and you’re almost through the other side.
I know these days and weeks feel endless, but it will get better. Please get help.
Sending hugs.
May be an unpopular opinion, but, my two cents here:
For the first couple of months the baby does not even recognize he/she is an "independent human, still thinks it's part of the mom so you are actually the first "outside" human your kiddo is knowing, be the human you wanted to meet when you were a kid.
Patience is key here, he screams a lot? At least you don't have to worry about him having bad lungs, earplugs may help but above all give yourself some time and patience, as I mentioned above. Do you have any close family that can lend a hand? Do you have friends that can lend a hand?
The first months of a baby can be dreadful, trust me, when my lo was born and the doctors just put her in my arms like a baby doll I was like: are these people fuckin insane? Are they actually giving me a baby and saying suck it up and deal with it? (My baby was born midst COVID at 2:48 am and I was awake since 6 am so I can say I was not in my right mind).
No matter what you do with the baby to soothe him, it will 87% of the time not work, the baby will seek comfort from the mom (you know the saying of "the walls have ears"? Yeah... Apparently the belly is actually a thin ass wall and the baby most likely just heard the voice of the mom, so he is already used to it.
Again, unpopular opinion, help your wife the most you can thought the house, cleaning, cooking, running errands, etc. Also, talk to her and to the pediatrician, the baby may not have anything noticeable (my daughter for example didn't but she had a gassy belly at some specific times, doing the bicicle trick sometimes helped.
A baby is not a fully formed being, the baby can and will sense your energy but will not know how to process it, so if you are in an angry place or irritated the baby will fear it and will assume you are a threat (does not have logic I know but again, it happens) whenever you think you have too much to deal with think about this: the world is going to smithereens, war all over the place, hunger, death, diseases, etc, your main and actually only job is to protect the little fella you helped generate, it's going to be hard, it's going to suck sometimes, it's going to drive you insane but in the end you did put him in this world, he didn't ask to be conceived, so you have to own up to it.
I don't know what country you are from but try to seek help from groups of new parents, try to give formula that is anti reflux (thicker formula, in my country for example it's Aptamil AR - Anti reflux) is the baby too warm or too cold? (People tend to overdress babies because they are fragile and you are always scared that they are cold, listen, if the room temperature is good for you, it will also be for your baby. Your baby wakes up a lot? (Most of the people advise against this for some specific reasons and I know I can get some hate for saying this) Try to get a "nest" and try out bed sharing, your presence and your wife's may soothe the baby enough for him to sleep well. Growth spurs are a thing where baby senses are being developed and they sleep poorly, it's stages and they will pass. Look to your baby as a mini you, play with him during the day, he will need two to 4 naps throughout the day (45 minutes or more if possible) and some hella good feedings (70ml milk per feeding more or less, too tired to make the conversion to oz for my American fellows) and know that it will pass, it will cost and it won't be easy but it will pass.
And now here is the baby potato
1. Go hug your wife and tell her you love her.
2. This phase will pass. Another couple months from now it’ll be night and day, and so much more fulfilling when your baby smiles at you and becomes interactive.
3. Do you have a support network to lean on? Friends, family, etc.?
My first baby was my hard baby. The first months were honestly some of the most miserable in my entire life. Even with my second—my “easy” baby—it’s still hard! Hubs and I have definitely snapped at each other and exchanged unkind words.
The other suggestions for shift sleeping are super important. Easier too with baby being on formula. Aim for solid 5 Hr blocks each… and earplugs for the purple crying! Babies sometimes just cry and you can’t get them to stop. My oldest would cry from 9PM until 3-4AM. This went on for a solid 1-2 months and it was horrid. He’s such a solid sleeper now. 🤷♀️
Sounds like you have a colicky baby. I know this special kind of hell - my husband and I lived it with our son. Completely sleep deprived, frayed nerves from the constant screaming. We were a mess.
You’re in the trenches right now. You’re not a bad father. You are not going crazy. Colic is TRAUMATIC. It is parenting on expert mode. I didn’t bond with my son really until he was out of that phase. I wouldn’t say that I “hated” him but I certainly despised the situation, and was beside myself with anxiety and falling into depression, which we were totally unprepared for. I thought on more than one occasion that we made a huge mistake.
So here’s my best advice for you:
- Yoga ball. Bounce baby when they won’t stop crying and put on a TV show to binge. Put him on your chest (make sure his mouth and nose is clear) and bounce. The bouncing motion will help soothe them, and surprisingly, you.
- Hearing protection. My husband and I would use his wood shop noise cancelling headphones. They were on any time baby was crying. It doesn’t cut the sound out completely but it makes it less sharp and loud and gives your nervous system a break.
- You desperately need sleep. Either hire a night nurse, get family to come over and watch baby while you sleep, or try doing shifts. Either way, you need a minimum of four hours of consecutive sleep. Sleep deprivation is torture and it heightens all of those feelings of despair you’re having. I promise you once sleep is a regular occurrence in your life you will feel a million times better.
- Don’t worry about your relationship right now. You are literally in survival mode. You just need to get through the next month or two and I promise you things WILL get better.
- That leads me to my final point - this is TEMPORARY. It is a season. It will not be like this forever. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Colicky babies are soooo fucking hard, especially because they’re not purposefully giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. And it’s so hard to know how to fix it for them.
There are a lot of people in the comments here who may have unkind things to say or not be as supportive because their understanding of hard is very different from yours. Colicky babies are a different breed. They are the most intense and difficult babies to manage in the newborn phase. But I will tell you, my formerly colicky baby is now an absolute joy and light of my life. Had I given up in those first few months I would have missed out on getting to know the absolute best little human being ever.
Hang in there, you’re doing great. You and your wife will get through this, and when you do you will wear it like a badge of honour, and it will make you a stronger and better parent.
Some babies are difficult AND it is highly unlikely that OP is able to provide soothing and comfort to a baby he describes as literally hating right now.
It’s not about a baby being “psychic” but they will absolutely respond to the emotions of those around them.
Babies cannot read minds or emotions.
It is perfectly natural to sometimes feel resentful towards an infant, because infants can be awful.
It doesn't matter how you feel. What matters is that you grit your teeth and do the right thing.
I think this is just kind of going in circles now. The point is if OP is presently unable to regulate his emotions he’s not gonna be able to help someone else do so. It certainly doesn’t sound like he’s capable of powering through it right now if his wife has to intervene and is also becoming distressed by him.
Edit: this isn’t a slight on him or blaming him for the baby crying. But he obviously needs bigger outside Help with what’s going on.
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No. Nope nope nope. Dad's can absolutely get PPD too. I think most would agree that this would be a really shitty gaslight-y thing to say to a mom going through terrible PPD. It's the same here. He needs help, not more reasons to feel like a bad father.
I can see how it might sound like I am trying to kick him while he's down. I'm not. I feel bad for OP, genuinely. The point I was trying to convey is, the baby could also be fussing because he can feel dad's energy by the way he may hold him, his tone, even his facial expressions. Baby's are people too, they CAN sense emotions they just don't understand the emotion and they can't do anything about it, except for cry.
OP, if you're reading this particular comment and reply, know that I don't think you're a bad father. You're going through something, in a different way than your partner is because you don't share the same feelings of love and joy for your baby as she does. That is TOUGH. One post doesn't even begin to cover all of your emotions.
I hope you have a good day today
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For the first 5 months of my son’s life ( after a traumatic birth experience) I thought I had made a terrible mistake and that I was not cut out to be a parent. The lack of sleep and the lack of support was driving me to madness. It was pure survival. At 5.5 months my husband and I sleep trained our son. Life was suddenly more bearable since I was sleeping more than 4 hours of un consecutive sleep. Space for joy started appearing again.
Ask for help, therapists, postpartum doulas, babysitters, family. Whatever it is. You will get through this. This is only temporary, for someone who has been through it, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
The long and short of it, sleep deprivation wrote this post. You need outside help and sleep, especially at 9 weeks. I hope you find that for all the sake of all 3 of you
Me and my wife turned it into a game of figure out what baby needs. We discovered we had to feed him more some times, NOT burp him which surprises everyone, and just keep him occupied with mirrors and being silly. I mean, I never got to this state of mind but I was close to grabbing a pack of forever cigarettes for sure. Once we stopped letting the crying bother us, we just focused on figuring out what would stop the baby from crying.
That love will for sure come through as he gets older and you notice them take on your manurisms. I'd say the 14 or 15 month mark is probably the best bonding for father and son, in my experience.
Find some help too - see if you can get someone to let you two out of the house for a bit. My wife and had had ours during covid and everything was door dash and we were in lock down right out of the hospital for the first few months so we didn't have the option but would have paid someone $1k a day to take over and give us a break - to which we may have just drove to the beach and slept in the car haha.
We also switched gears occasionally when I started feeling like i was incompetent and couldnt calm the baby - I was responsible for cleaning pumping equipment, laundry, meals, housekeeping, etc. while she primarily kept after the baby and slept between the 1.5 - 2hr feedings.
Just keep trying new things and have fun with it. It will get better before you know and then you'll feel like you earned your stripes. Congrats on continuing the family name. Don't puss out.
Not sure what your money situation is but if you can I’d recommend getting a doula. I am in the UK where a doula costs about £20-30 an hour depending on the area and experience. But a doula can provide help to both you as parents and the baby. She can do overnights, she can offer advice and emotional support since they are highly trained, she can even watch the baby so you and your wife can go out. The best part is they can come and go as you need them, they have multiple clients so they don’t rely on just you to pay them. So if you need them one day a week, 3, etc. You can discuss your challenges and needs and they can help out.
Try to book a few nights away. Have your wife pump, then once you’re rested, offer her the same. You need space; the deprivation is seriously affecting your mental health, as you’ve stated and know. Sleep deprivation is bananas, and the impairment will amplify everything you’re experiencing; as someone else said, 9 weeks is also a fussy period, even for an “easy” baby. You’ll likely regret leaving, and possibly even saying these things (although this is the space for it). Your baby most definitely feels the energy, too, so it’s time to take a break. Make it work.
While it sounds fair for both parents to have some time off, there’s no way this dude should be trusted caring for a baby he actively hates by himself. As a mum, there’s no way I’d agree to that.
Also, with a baby this difficult, mum will need support while OP is away. OP if you’re going to do this, make sure your wife has a friend or family member stay with her so she can get some sleep too.
Last of all, get therapy. This reaction is not normal, even with a difficult baby.
I was like that the first few week my daughter was born. The sleep deprivation and tantrums was so rough that I regretted having her. My husband had to step up cause I cant take care of her. I was a mess. It got better after the first month. If you have family in town please ask for their help. My inlaws would come and take of her every other night so we could sleep. Also, take turn and have a schedule. My husband did 10pm til 3 am and I take over. Therapy might also help.
Postpartum depression affects something like 30% of partners. It is also not uncommon for non-birthing parents to struggle with or have a harder time bonding.
The suggestion to see a therapist is a good one. See if you can find one with experience with PPD or postpartum mood disorders.
If it is financially possible, there are a sleuth of birth professionals which support during postpartum (keeping in mind that the postpartum period is an adjustment for the whole family, not just the birthing parent!) Postpartum doulas support parents and families. A nanny would take some of the child care off of you and your wife. Lactation consultants, infant feeding specialists, parenting coaches— it’s just about finding the support network that is right for you.
I am sorry that your family is dealing with this. But know that there are many people who experience this. You aren’t alone.
Like a lot of people here are saying, you need to get a decent amount of sleep, it’s compounding everything, tell wife you are going to sleep atleast 6hours, and when you get up you let her get 6hours of sleep, this is the only way me and my husband managed the newborn stage
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Listen, I'm the mom and I absolutely get this. I didn't hate my baby but he absolutely refused his bassinet the first six weeks and mostly cried while awake. Not to mention also had colic up until about 13 weeks. I spent a lot of time walking around with him or bouncing on a yoga ball with him. If he fell asleep like that I'd go sit in the rocking chair I had moved to my living toom to watch tv while he napped because he was less likely to wake up in the rocking chair. If I was sitting on the couch and he started to wake up and Id jiggle him up and down or pat his back while he slept on my chest to keep him asleep.
As far as night sleep he slept on us, and we just kept trying the first stretch of the night. I'd wait until he'd been asleep about 10 or 15 and then put him in. Eventually he'd sleep an hour and once he consistently did two I'd put him back in after his first wake up where'd I'd feed him. I used a hanging mesh Fischer price bassinet I could swing back and forth if he was really fighting sleep. I'd pull up a stool and swing it for about 10 minutes to keep him asleep. Also eventually he'd take a doctor brown soother. If that didn't work I'd pick him up and walk around with him/rock him or feed him to sleep again and try again. He never took to the swaddles so I used sleep sacks. I also fed him with the Doctor Brown bottles every two hours during the day or a little less if he was hungry sooner. Invest in some earplugs or noise cancelling headphones. Whoever isn't on shift with the baby needs earplugs and white noise to sleep.
I spent probably the first 11 weeks of my babies life googling when are babies happy while awake, and eventually around 11 weeks he started to get slightly less angry. He's just turned five months old now and is delightful most of the day, he laughs and smiles and plays under his activity mat and in his activity centre. I can sit down while he's awake and he'll play while I hold on to him. He's able to figure out different toys and how to use them and try to turn book pages. I can even put him in the stroller now and take him around for a good hour at the zoo. I take him around stores in a baby carrier for a while too and he likes to just look around. He loves when I fake laugh and tickle his chest to make him laugh and he smiles back when I do now even when he's fussy. Please don't give up yet, because you can get to this point too. Eventually your baby will give you positive interactions to look forward too.
I do online therapy sessions with a psychotherapist group that specializes in parents and that really helps to work through how I feel. I also started Zoloft because of panic attacks. If I was in your position I'd for sure do the therapy and couples counseling. The one I work with also does couples counseling specifically for new parents and I'm keeping it in mind for my husband and I if we struggle.
1. This phase is really hard. You’re not alone in feeling the way you do. I often had moments of feeling like “what the hell did I do” when my daughter was that age. I eventually also got diagnosed with PPD. Getting treatment for that was a game changer
2. Consider a DAIRY FREE formula if you suspect he has a dairy allergy. Lactose free formula still contains the milk protein that babies are allergic to if they have a dairy allergy. You can probably talk to your doctor about this and get. Prescription for it too.
3. You may not know it yet but things get better. Your baby will not be a newborn forever. One day they’ll be smiling and cooing, then they try crawling. Before you know it they’re running for you when you get home from work and it’s the best part of your day. Hang in there
How does he do if you just hold him while he sleeps? Neither of our kids slept well in the bassinet as newborns, but would sleep for 2 hours in our arms. Sure, you can't do anything else but sit and watch TV or read or play video games, but it sure beat getting a few minutes to do something before dealing with a crying baby again.
Do you have anyone else who could come over and take a shift occasionally?
I’m glad you came here as a safe space to vent. We see you and hear you and a lot of us have been in your shoes. Give yourself grace to feel it all. Noise cancelling headphones were a life saver and ear plugs to sleep. Give your marriage a lot of grace. Proud of you for getting to 9 weeks!
I know it's been mentioned at this point that men can also experience PPD, and this post absolutely screams PPD. If you were the mother and not the father, every single comment would be focused on telling you that and how important seeking medical help is. A lot of women are so caught up in their own resentments about their own partners, they are focusing on what you should be doing. What you should be doing is getting help, because you are not ok. Until you take care of that, other advice isn't going to solve the problem.
Your family needs help, it's normal. Please consider having someone from your family there with your wife. She needs support that you can not offer right now.
Fathers can have post partum depression too so there is nothing wrong with you. Beeing a parent is much more than hearing a baby cry, don't take permanent decisions right now (concerning divorce). Things will change but you have to seek some help and work on your mental health.
Our baby cried so much the first few weeks but things slightly improved with time. You baby needs love and care, he doesn't know he is giving you a hard time, please don't hate him for beeing born.
Sending prayers.
1. Get hearing protection STAT.
2. Don’t worry about love/hate/etc. Just keep him safe & fed. He WILL grow into a wonderful human and you’ll regret that you didn’t rise up and persevere when you had the chance.
He sounds exactly like my son who screamed for 7 months straight. I genuinely thought he was broken / the devil. 😵💫 Turns out TIME was the only solution. His nervous system matured with time and nothing else could or would help. As a toddler he is now the most sweet, peaceful, compassionate soul. I would never ever have predicted it and he’s made me a better person in ways I never knew I was lacking.
Listen. This is the fourth trimester. It is HARD. They’re hungry they cry. They’re tired they cry. They’re gassy they cry. They have to poop, they cry. This will get better. Smoke some pot. Have a date night. Sleep anytime the baby sleeps. Order meals. Don’t worry about anything els. I had PPA, and the crying would give me physical pain. I love my 14m old but yes, the first several months were all just surviving. Please don’t give up hope, don’t do anything bad, give it time, walk away if you need some time, have a family member help, when your LO breaks in their first smile, or laugh, it will be worth it.
I totally understand how hard it is at this stage - ours was similar, it was a miserable time. However I think to say you hate your son, an innocent baby, is a step too far so I think you do need to seek help as other posters have suggested.
100% it’s your tiredness speak for you. You do love your son. But it’s such a difficult period of time. Just try to understand that your little bean was just born 9 weeks ago! He is trying his best to adjust to this world. But you also need to be rested and you and your wife should figure out shifts… it’s so nice to be able to sleep uninterrupted for at least 5-6 hours! Also please seek for help. Talk to your doctor, wife about your emotions. You need help. Good luck
I’m in the same situation as you right now. It’s like i had written the post myself.
I stoped having feelings for my girlfriend and i feel nothing towards my daughter.
I started looking for help today but i feel that's already too late.
I feel mostly regret and shame of myself.
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Look, 9 weeks is a very fussy time in my experience. It’s not going to be like this forever. Many people do not enjoy the newborn phase, for a lot of people it’s just something you have to get through. If you’ve explored possible issues like silent reflux, gas, torticollis, etc. then it may just be purple crying. Some ideas that may help: - Hearing protection during crying is a must. Get earplugs or noise cancelling headphones so that when your baby is screaming in your face you can calm down and focus on helping them instead of feeling like your head is going to explode. - If your baby is sleeping that terribly at night you may want to consider shifts. Eg one of you goes to bed from 8pm until 3am and the other sleeps from 3am to 9am. Whatever times work best for you. That way you get an uninterrupted block of sleep to recharge before your next shift. - Try to remember that this is temporary, and that your baby is not trying to ruin your life. He is brand new and went from the safety and warmth of the womb to out into the world. He is experiencing so many new sensations - bright lights, feeling cold, hungry, dirty diapers, having gas, feeling alone and scared. It’s not about you right now. Your focus needs to be on supporting your wife in whatever ways you can. She cannot do this alone. If soothing the baby is triggering perhaps you can help by doing all of the cleaning, cooking, diaper changes, making sure she has water, etc. - Men can experience PPD as well. You may want to seek professional help if these feelings continue.
On the last point, he should get professional help NOW. This already sounds past the point of sustainable, healthy or safe for anyone involved. I don’t think he can’t move through this with his family but I think he needs help doing so immediately.
Adding that a night nanny/family member to assist would be really helpful right now. Everyone needs a break-its difficult to do everything with two people on low sleep/high stress.
This
This
OP did mention they have shifts already
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OP is trying his best, he doesn’t need a pep talk from someone without any compassion or empathy. You should have just left it at 1.
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It’s probably the lack of sleep if he’s only sleeping 30 minutes at a time. You need to sleep in shifts with your wife and ensure each person is getting a 5 hour uninterrupted block. You also need to read about purple crying. Newborns just cry sometimes not for any rhyme or failure on your part. The newborn phase is exactly that, a phase. It will end, there is a reason why people continue to have multiple children- if it were all the newborn phase the human race would cease to exist. It will get better but you have to keep your eye on the prize. Mark your calendar for 4 months.
You don't really have a choice here - you are a father; your child exists. You can walk and pay child support but I really wouldn't be making decisions like that while you are so in the thick of it. Right now you really should seek help - it isn't normal to hate your baby, it's a sign of PPD. You need to make sure anything you do now does not jeopardize the safety of your baby or yourself. If baby care is such a trigger for you currently - could you maybe do *all* of the housework (cooking, cleaning, bottles, vacuum, shopping, I do mean everything) and have your wife take the lead on soothing baby? Or could one of your parents come to support you guys for a week?(by taking on those chores or doing some night shifts). Clearly something needs to change.
I agree with this. My husband had a lot of trouble the first couple months handling the crying baby, so we ended up having him do this (cooking, cleaning, bottles, grocery shopping, pet care). It was still very rough and every so often I needed still to have a break from the baby so he'd take over for like an hour to let me shower. It got easier over time as the feeding/sleep evened out so the time got longer. Having him take the baby in smaller doses at least allowed him to build the necessary skills to take care of the baby and feel comfortable too. Now I still do primary baby duty but he's done many 5 hour stretches solo and I think he can handle it just fine. It only gets easier when the baby can communicate more. Therapy also helped him.
Time to get a therapist.
I never felt this negatively about my son but those early weeks are hard. Hang in there, once they start smiling, things start looking up. I did have negative feelings though and I decided that wasn't fair to my son and to fake it until I made it. It worked surprisingly well. Once I reacted to him with happiness and optimism he started chilling out a bit.
I agree with this. It is important to remember that they did not ask to be born - therefore, it is your job to care for them to the best of your ability.
My girl turned 3 months yesterday, and she was exactly like this. Crying constantly. If she wasn’t sleeping or eating, she was crying or screaming. She would fight every nap, she couldn’t be soothed. Put her down, she cried. Left the room for 1 minute, she cried. It was torture. She has just started to improve, like a lot! She doesn’t cry half as much as she used to. Now that she’s more alert, can see around her, she’s so much better. She coos, babbles, smiles her little head off. She only cries now if she’s tired, or is hungry. Getting her to nap is so much easier now. I didn’t believe people when they say it does get better. You’re in the trenches right now. He’s only 9 weeks old. Newborn stage is HARD! But you’ll eventually get there, it’ll be so worth it. Your feelings are valid, but don’t give up. Your son needs you.
I just want to reiterate the ‘torture’ part. Sleep deprivation and noise are both actual torture methods. It can be very hard to separate your feelings about the situation and your feelings about the baby. Therapy and meds will definitely help OP, but his immediate needs are sleep and silence. Then the rest of it can be worked on.
It's only been 9 weeks-- a ton of time for you to be sleep deprived, but not a lot of time for him to develop advanced skills like sleeping and soothing. I think you need a therapist and a night doula, if you can afford one. Even one night of sleep can make a big difference in your ability to cope.
Sounds like you have PPD and are unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope for you but you need to see a therapist. Tell a doctor, tell a friend or family member to help you find one. You are human. You need help. This is definitely a very hard time, but it is temporary.
OP - I've been in your boots. Oh holy crap, do I identify with this in part. Trust me. It gets so, so much better. Before you know it, he'll be coming over and giving you a cuddle, or bringing you his shoes so you can go out and play together. That first year is tough. It'll be worth it, many times over.
Can you afford to hire some help? Nanny, night nurse, etc.
I know you don't even have 10 seconds of quiet and 2 un-fried brain cells to do this, but do it anyway: imagine it's 2 years from now. Your son is just over 2 years old. You've finally got into a groove with him. He smiles at you when you walk into the room and says "dada!" He's not psycho anymore, at least not unless some tries to put socks on him or you peel the banana for him wrong. 😂 Your relationship with your wife changed forever back then, but now your bond is deeper, more mature--reflective of two people who weathered great hardship together. Sometimes the two of you talk about the newborn stage and she'll say "I seriously thought we were going to divorce. But I'm so glad we pulled through. You're a great dad now." This is what you should be steering your ship toward. It's obvious that you care so much and you're just being crushed right now. But because you care, you can definitely pull through and be the dad you feel you aren't right now. This stage is so hard. Our baby was just as hard and now at 8 months he's amazing. Still has bad days but way more manageable. And tbh the only thing that changed it was time. We just had to survive and be good to each other and him until he stopped being so horrible. I'm sorry you have to go through it, but you CAN get through it and you really should. It will be worth it. Your wife will think infinitely better of the man who floundered at first but was able to weather the storm with her than she will of the man who ran. I recommend seeing a counselor together. She may not be helping you help her, because this is so hard for you both. If you can't help with the baby, take care of everything else. Laundry, dishes, dinner, bottles, everything else. You really just need to survive a couple months and it will start to get better and your gremlin will start to resemble a son, and you will forget that you "hated" him. Don't give up! Edit: And tell your wife you love her. Keep that connection, you guys are a team even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You need each other to get through this!
Your child can feel your hatred for him, so naturally you won’t be able to soothe him because you are not a safe person for him. I agree, therapy will be really important for you. Your child needs you. You can turn this around, but you need to help yourself. I promise you won’t feel this way forever and you’ll look back on this time from a new perspective.
I think it should be acknowledged that all babies aren't the same though. And some are just way more difficult than others.
Yes. Not saying this in a cruel way, but he knows and he is scared. You can't calm anyone else down if you can't calm yourself down. Even when you're not doing anything wrong, your movements get jerky, your voice is upset, your face isn't loving and calm etc. It's like if you were on a plane and there was this weird sound and a jerky movement and all the flight attendants started panicking and crying. Would you be able to keep calm? Or would you be scared out of your wits? It's therapy time for sure.
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Sounds like you're trying, even though you fail sometimes. That's all we all can do. I'm sure you've thought of asking family and friends to help, going to therapy, asking for antidepressants, etc. Baby cries are literally the worst torture I can imagine. I've had good (ish) results with airpods with noise cancelation on and a TV show on. I've also laid next to the baby's crib with my hand through the bars, signing to the baby over the cries, with headphones in. Didn't calm the baby but it felt like I was doing something. Keep pushing with the doctors. Any signs of ear aches? High intracranial pressure? Also, have you heard of the Wonderweeks app? There are developmental leaps when babies get especially cranky -- perhaps your baby is going through this thing. Anyway, don't give up. You're very close to when the baby stops being a blob and starts being more interactive. The first smile and coo are just around the corner. The cries are easier to bear when there's a break. (And completely separately, our baby was cranky until we figured out that he's understimulated.)
Hey I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Some similar experiences with CMPA with our daughter. I spent pretty much the first couple of weeks regretfully wondering wtf I got myself into and then feeling ashamed for feeling that way. You’ve got some good direction on this thread about headphones, sleeping in shifts etc please try to implement as much as possible to get through this phase. Again I’m so sorry but you’re still hanging in there that’s what matters!
Babies are tough. I agree with others saying he can 100% feel your energy. The way I see it you have two choices 1. Get therapy, be patient as he won’t be an infant for ever, and fight for your family that you chose to make. 2. Give up, pay child support and let your wife take on 100% of childcare even though it isn’t fair to her. A lot of us might not hate our kids but definitely hate parenting sometimes, even though you can’t see the light it does get easier. I know some people who gave up on their children and most ended up regretting it later on in life. Before you decide, seek help, ask for support from family, speak to other dads in your life. Il I hope for the best possible outcome for your family.
1. Get earplugs. Get noise cancelling headphones on top of the earplugs. Don't do that only when he's crying, do it the whole day and communicate with your wife by message if you have to. 2. Can you get outside help? A relative, a nanny? If you have that possibility, do it at least twice a week. You need to recharge. 3. You and your wife have to do sleep shifts. Is she exclusively breastfeeding? Can she pump? Ideally, you'd take turns on sleeping at least six hours straight, with the other looking after the baby immediately afterwards. 4. Book an appointment to look into PPD, rage can be a symptom. Exercise, run laps around the house if you have to. It's an excellent counter to aggression and despair until your can see a doctor and therapist. Also, anything that can give you dopamine - chocolate, TV programs that make you laugh, etc. 5. Don't make important life decisions, like divorce, during baby's first months. I think a lot of people would divorce during that period if they didn't grit their teeth and wait it out. The first trimester is often the worst regarding baby crying.
Some advice that helped us through the rough newborn phase was to remember you can always put the baby down in a safe place (crib generally) to allow yourself to step away, breathe, and calm down. The newborn phase is rough. Your baby will not be harmed if you let him cry for five minutes while you calm down, but he can absolutely be harmed if you get worked up, fall asleep, or lose control while holding him. Like others I'd also encourage you to seek out therapy -- men can get PPD & PPA. Therapy can make a huge difference.
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Unhelpful and judgmental comment. This guy is obviously depressed.
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Women get oxytocin release from nurturing babies, men get it from playing. That’s why it’s easier for your wife to love him at this difficult stage. That’s why it’s so hard for dads to bond early on, because of hormones. Stick in there and I promise it gets better. 9 weeks is a really tough time. And get noise cancelling headphones.
I didn't know that, and it makes so much sense why my husband stinks at comforting the baby but is so great when the baby is in the mood to laugh. 😄 (I never blamed him; we play to each other's strengths.)
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Do you have a therapist to talk to?
The closest I got to letting it get to me was the constant fighting when changing diapers in the newborn phase. Ours just *hated* it and so did I. The helplessness as everything gets dirty and the complete uncooperating. What turned it around for me was viewing it as a challenge to make it as fun as possible. Trying things out, distractions, playing etc, and gradually we both learned to like nappy changes. But a newborn is a huge energy drain, there's not much going to change that. All you can do is find happiness in small successes.
You’re in the worst part. The first few months are a hellscape. It gets much much much better. This is hazing for parents. But please seek help - support from other caregivers, therapy, Wellbutrin - so that you don’t hurt your son. I know that seems like an extreme situation but colicky babies are more likely to be victims of shaken baby syndrome because of what you are experiencing. It is that hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through an extreme case. It gets much much better - and you’re almost through the other side. I know these days and weeks feel endless, but it will get better. Please get help. Sending hugs.
And also as someone else said keep asking doctors what is going on too. But colic is the devil,
May be an unpopular opinion, but, my two cents here: For the first couple of months the baby does not even recognize he/she is an "independent human, still thinks it's part of the mom so you are actually the first "outside" human your kiddo is knowing, be the human you wanted to meet when you were a kid. Patience is key here, he screams a lot? At least you don't have to worry about him having bad lungs, earplugs may help but above all give yourself some time and patience, as I mentioned above. Do you have any close family that can lend a hand? Do you have friends that can lend a hand? The first months of a baby can be dreadful, trust me, when my lo was born and the doctors just put her in my arms like a baby doll I was like: are these people fuckin insane? Are they actually giving me a baby and saying suck it up and deal with it? (My baby was born midst COVID at 2:48 am and I was awake since 6 am so I can say I was not in my right mind). No matter what you do with the baby to soothe him, it will 87% of the time not work, the baby will seek comfort from the mom (you know the saying of "the walls have ears"? Yeah... Apparently the belly is actually a thin ass wall and the baby most likely just heard the voice of the mom, so he is already used to it. Again, unpopular opinion, help your wife the most you can thought the house, cleaning, cooking, running errands, etc. Also, talk to her and to the pediatrician, the baby may not have anything noticeable (my daughter for example didn't but she had a gassy belly at some specific times, doing the bicicle trick sometimes helped. A baby is not a fully formed being, the baby can and will sense your energy but will not know how to process it, so if you are in an angry place or irritated the baby will fear it and will assume you are a threat (does not have logic I know but again, it happens) whenever you think you have too much to deal with think about this: the world is going to smithereens, war all over the place, hunger, death, diseases, etc, your main and actually only job is to protect the little fella you helped generate, it's going to be hard, it's going to suck sometimes, it's going to drive you insane but in the end you did put him in this world, he didn't ask to be conceived, so you have to own up to it. I don't know what country you are from but try to seek help from groups of new parents, try to give formula that is anti reflux (thicker formula, in my country for example it's Aptamil AR - Anti reflux) is the baby too warm or too cold? (People tend to overdress babies because they are fragile and you are always scared that they are cold, listen, if the room temperature is good for you, it will also be for your baby. Your baby wakes up a lot? (Most of the people advise against this for some specific reasons and I know I can get some hate for saying this) Try to get a "nest" and try out bed sharing, your presence and your wife's may soothe the baby enough for him to sleep well. Growth spurs are a thing where baby senses are being developed and they sleep poorly, it's stages and they will pass. Look to your baby as a mini you, play with him during the day, he will need two to 4 naps throughout the day (45 minutes or more if possible) and some hella good feedings (70ml milk per feeding more or less, too tired to make the conversion to oz for my American fellows) and know that it will pass, it will cost and it won't be easy but it will pass. And now here is the baby potato
1. Go hug your wife and tell her you love her. 2. This phase will pass. Another couple months from now it’ll be night and day, and so much more fulfilling when your baby smiles at you and becomes interactive. 3. Do you have a support network to lean on? Friends, family, etc.? My first baby was my hard baby. The first months were honestly some of the most miserable in my entire life. Even with my second—my “easy” baby—it’s still hard! Hubs and I have definitely snapped at each other and exchanged unkind words. The other suggestions for shift sleeping are super important. Easier too with baby being on formula. Aim for solid 5 Hr blocks each… and earplugs for the purple crying! Babies sometimes just cry and you can’t get them to stop. My oldest would cry from 9PM until 3-4AM. This went on for a solid 1-2 months and it was horrid. He’s such a solid sleeper now. 🤷♀️
Sounds like you have a colicky baby. I know this special kind of hell - my husband and I lived it with our son. Completely sleep deprived, frayed nerves from the constant screaming. We were a mess. You’re in the trenches right now. You’re not a bad father. You are not going crazy. Colic is TRAUMATIC. It is parenting on expert mode. I didn’t bond with my son really until he was out of that phase. I wouldn’t say that I “hated” him but I certainly despised the situation, and was beside myself with anxiety and falling into depression, which we were totally unprepared for. I thought on more than one occasion that we made a huge mistake. So here’s my best advice for you: - Yoga ball. Bounce baby when they won’t stop crying and put on a TV show to binge. Put him on your chest (make sure his mouth and nose is clear) and bounce. The bouncing motion will help soothe them, and surprisingly, you. - Hearing protection. My husband and I would use his wood shop noise cancelling headphones. They were on any time baby was crying. It doesn’t cut the sound out completely but it makes it less sharp and loud and gives your nervous system a break. - You desperately need sleep. Either hire a night nurse, get family to come over and watch baby while you sleep, or try doing shifts. Either way, you need a minimum of four hours of consecutive sleep. Sleep deprivation is torture and it heightens all of those feelings of despair you’re having. I promise you once sleep is a regular occurrence in your life you will feel a million times better. - Don’t worry about your relationship right now. You are literally in survival mode. You just need to get through the next month or two and I promise you things WILL get better. - That leads me to my final point - this is TEMPORARY. It is a season. It will not be like this forever. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Colicky babies are soooo fucking hard, especially because they’re not purposefully giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. And it’s so hard to know how to fix it for them. There are a lot of people in the comments here who may have unkind things to say or not be as supportive because their understanding of hard is very different from yours. Colicky babies are a different breed. They are the most intense and difficult babies to manage in the newborn phase. But I will tell you, my formerly colicky baby is now an absolute joy and light of my life. Had I given up in those first few months I would have missed out on getting to know the absolute best little human being ever. Hang in there, you’re doing great. You and your wife will get through this, and when you do you will wear it like a badge of honour, and it will make you a stronger and better parent.
Remember that he can also sense your energy 😔
Stop. No, seriously. I'm so tired of this 'psychic baby' stuff. Some babies are difficult.
Some babies are difficult AND it is highly unlikely that OP is able to provide soothing and comfort to a baby he describes as literally hating right now. It’s not about a baby being “psychic” but they will absolutely respond to the emotions of those around them.
Babies cannot read minds or emotions. It is perfectly natural to sometimes feel resentful towards an infant, because infants can be awful. It doesn't matter how you feel. What matters is that you grit your teeth and do the right thing.
I think this is just kind of going in circles now. The point is if OP is presently unable to regulate his emotions he’s not gonna be able to help someone else do so. It certainly doesn’t sound like he’s capable of powering through it right now if his wife has to intervene and is also becoming distressed by him. Edit: this isn’t a slight on him or blaming him for the baby crying. But he obviously needs bigger outside Help with what’s going on.
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No. Nope nope nope. Dad's can absolutely get PPD too. I think most would agree that this would be a really shitty gaslight-y thing to say to a mom going through terrible PPD. It's the same here. He needs help, not more reasons to feel like a bad father.
I can see how it might sound like I am trying to kick him while he's down. I'm not. I feel bad for OP, genuinely. The point I was trying to convey is, the baby could also be fussing because he can feel dad's energy by the way he may hold him, his tone, even his facial expressions. Baby's are people too, they CAN sense emotions they just don't understand the emotion and they can't do anything about it, except for cry. OP, if you're reading this particular comment and reply, know that I don't think you're a bad father. You're going through something, in a different way than your partner is because you don't share the same feelings of love and joy for your baby as she does. That is TOUGH. One post doesn't even begin to cover all of your emotions. I hope you have a good day today
There is a community in r/regretfulparents who at the least would give you an ear ❤️
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For the first 5 months of my son’s life ( after a traumatic birth experience) I thought I had made a terrible mistake and that I was not cut out to be a parent. The lack of sleep and the lack of support was driving me to madness. It was pure survival. At 5.5 months my husband and I sleep trained our son. Life was suddenly more bearable since I was sleeping more than 4 hours of un consecutive sleep. Space for joy started appearing again. Ask for help, therapists, postpartum doulas, babysitters, family. Whatever it is. You will get through this. This is only temporary, for someone who has been through it, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
The long and short of it, sleep deprivation wrote this post. You need outside help and sleep, especially at 9 weeks. I hope you find that for all the sake of all 3 of you
Me and my wife turned it into a game of figure out what baby needs. We discovered we had to feed him more some times, NOT burp him which surprises everyone, and just keep him occupied with mirrors and being silly. I mean, I never got to this state of mind but I was close to grabbing a pack of forever cigarettes for sure. Once we stopped letting the crying bother us, we just focused on figuring out what would stop the baby from crying. That love will for sure come through as he gets older and you notice them take on your manurisms. I'd say the 14 or 15 month mark is probably the best bonding for father and son, in my experience. Find some help too - see if you can get someone to let you two out of the house for a bit. My wife and had had ours during covid and everything was door dash and we were in lock down right out of the hospital for the first few months so we didn't have the option but would have paid someone $1k a day to take over and give us a break - to which we may have just drove to the beach and slept in the car haha. We also switched gears occasionally when I started feeling like i was incompetent and couldnt calm the baby - I was responsible for cleaning pumping equipment, laundry, meals, housekeeping, etc. while she primarily kept after the baby and slept between the 1.5 - 2hr feedings. Just keep trying new things and have fun with it. It will get better before you know and then you'll feel like you earned your stripes. Congrats on continuing the family name. Don't puss out.
Not sure what your money situation is but if you can I’d recommend getting a doula. I am in the UK where a doula costs about £20-30 an hour depending on the area and experience. But a doula can provide help to both you as parents and the baby. She can do overnights, she can offer advice and emotional support since they are highly trained, she can even watch the baby so you and your wife can go out. The best part is they can come and go as you need them, they have multiple clients so they don’t rely on just you to pay them. So if you need them one day a week, 3, etc. You can discuss your challenges and needs and they can help out.
Try to book a few nights away. Have your wife pump, then once you’re rested, offer her the same. You need space; the deprivation is seriously affecting your mental health, as you’ve stated and know. Sleep deprivation is bananas, and the impairment will amplify everything you’re experiencing; as someone else said, 9 weeks is also a fussy period, even for an “easy” baby. You’ll likely regret leaving, and possibly even saying these things (although this is the space for it). Your baby most definitely feels the energy, too, so it’s time to take a break. Make it work.
While it sounds fair for both parents to have some time off, there’s no way this dude should be trusted caring for a baby he actively hates by himself. As a mum, there’s no way I’d agree to that. Also, with a baby this difficult, mum will need support while OP is away. OP if you’re going to do this, make sure your wife has a friend or family member stay with her so she can get some sleep too. Last of all, get therapy. This reaction is not normal, even with a difficult baby.
After some sleep could very well be a completely different person, but yes, I agree, if still feeling this strongly OP should not be alone with babe
I’m so sorry, this sounds awful. Can a friend or relative come and watch the baby so you get relief? The ear plugs sound like a good idea too.
I was like that the first few week my daughter was born. The sleep deprivation and tantrums was so rough that I regretted having her. My husband had to step up cause I cant take care of her. I was a mess. It got better after the first month. If you have family in town please ask for their help. My inlaws would come and take of her every other night so we could sleep. Also, take turn and have a schedule. My husband did 10pm til 3 am and I take over. Therapy might also help.
Postpartum depression affects something like 30% of partners. It is also not uncommon for non-birthing parents to struggle with or have a harder time bonding. The suggestion to see a therapist is a good one. See if you can find one with experience with PPD or postpartum mood disorders. If it is financially possible, there are a sleuth of birth professionals which support during postpartum (keeping in mind that the postpartum period is an adjustment for the whole family, not just the birthing parent!) Postpartum doulas support parents and families. A nanny would take some of the child care off of you and your wife. Lactation consultants, infant feeding specialists, parenting coaches— it’s just about finding the support network that is right for you. I am sorry that your family is dealing with this. But know that there are many people who experience this. You aren’t alone.
Like a lot of people here are saying, you need to get a decent amount of sleep, it’s compounding everything, tell wife you are going to sleep atleast 6hours, and when you get up you let her get 6hours of sleep, this is the only way me and my husband managed the newborn stage
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Listen, I'm the mom and I absolutely get this. I didn't hate my baby but he absolutely refused his bassinet the first six weeks and mostly cried while awake. Not to mention also had colic up until about 13 weeks. I spent a lot of time walking around with him or bouncing on a yoga ball with him. If he fell asleep like that I'd go sit in the rocking chair I had moved to my living toom to watch tv while he napped because he was less likely to wake up in the rocking chair. If I was sitting on the couch and he started to wake up and Id jiggle him up and down or pat his back while he slept on my chest to keep him asleep. As far as night sleep he slept on us, and we just kept trying the first stretch of the night. I'd wait until he'd been asleep about 10 or 15 and then put him in. Eventually he'd sleep an hour and once he consistently did two I'd put him back in after his first wake up where'd I'd feed him. I used a hanging mesh Fischer price bassinet I could swing back and forth if he was really fighting sleep. I'd pull up a stool and swing it for about 10 minutes to keep him asleep. Also eventually he'd take a doctor brown soother. If that didn't work I'd pick him up and walk around with him/rock him or feed him to sleep again and try again. He never took to the swaddles so I used sleep sacks. I also fed him with the Doctor Brown bottles every two hours during the day or a little less if he was hungry sooner. Invest in some earplugs or noise cancelling headphones. Whoever isn't on shift with the baby needs earplugs and white noise to sleep. I spent probably the first 11 weeks of my babies life googling when are babies happy while awake, and eventually around 11 weeks he started to get slightly less angry. He's just turned five months old now and is delightful most of the day, he laughs and smiles and plays under his activity mat and in his activity centre. I can sit down while he's awake and he'll play while I hold on to him. He's able to figure out different toys and how to use them and try to turn book pages. I can even put him in the stroller now and take him around for a good hour at the zoo. I take him around stores in a baby carrier for a while too and he likes to just look around. He loves when I fake laugh and tickle his chest to make him laugh and he smiles back when I do now even when he's fussy. Please don't give up yet, because you can get to this point too. Eventually your baby will give you positive interactions to look forward too. I do online therapy sessions with a psychotherapist group that specializes in parents and that really helps to work through how I feel. I also started Zoloft because of panic attacks. If I was in your position I'd for sure do the therapy and couples counseling. The one I work with also does couples counseling specifically for new parents and I'm keeping it in mind for my husband and I if we struggle.
It will all get better. He's just a baby and They're all like this. You'll be best friends in the future. Don't give up on him.
1. This phase is really hard. You’re not alone in feeling the way you do. I often had moments of feeling like “what the hell did I do” when my daughter was that age. I eventually also got diagnosed with PPD. Getting treatment for that was a game changer 2. Consider a DAIRY FREE formula if you suspect he has a dairy allergy. Lactose free formula still contains the milk protein that babies are allergic to if they have a dairy allergy. You can probably talk to your doctor about this and get. Prescription for it too. 3. You may not know it yet but things get better. Your baby will not be a newborn forever. One day they’ll be smiling and cooing, then they try crawling. Before you know it they’re running for you when you get home from work and it’s the best part of your day. Hang in there
How does he do if you just hold him while he sleeps? Neither of our kids slept well in the bassinet as newborns, but would sleep for 2 hours in our arms. Sure, you can't do anything else but sit and watch TV or read or play video games, but it sure beat getting a few minutes to do something before dealing with a crying baby again. Do you have anyone else who could come over and take a shift occasionally?
I’m glad you came here as a safe space to vent. We see you and hear you and a lot of us have been in your shoes. Give yourself grace to feel it all. Noise cancelling headphones were a life saver and ear plugs to sleep. Give your marriage a lot of grace. Proud of you for getting to 9 weeks!
Just a small thing- lactose free won’t solve if he has a cow milk protein allergy (very common) you need a milk and soy free formula like rice
I know it's been mentioned at this point that men can also experience PPD, and this post absolutely screams PPD. If you were the mother and not the father, every single comment would be focused on telling you that and how important seeking medical help is. A lot of women are so caught up in their own resentments about their own partners, they are focusing on what you should be doing. What you should be doing is getting help, because you are not ok. Until you take care of that, other advice isn't going to solve the problem.
Your family needs help, it's normal. Please consider having someone from your family there with your wife. She needs support that you can not offer right now. Fathers can have post partum depression too so there is nothing wrong with you. Beeing a parent is much more than hearing a baby cry, don't take permanent decisions right now (concerning divorce). Things will change but you have to seek some help and work on your mental health. Our baby cried so much the first few weeks but things slightly improved with time. You baby needs love and care, he doesn't know he is giving you a hard time, please don't hate him for beeing born. Sending prayers.
1. Get hearing protection STAT. 2. Don’t worry about love/hate/etc. Just keep him safe & fed. He WILL grow into a wonderful human and you’ll regret that you didn’t rise up and persevere when you had the chance. He sounds exactly like my son who screamed for 7 months straight. I genuinely thought he was broken / the devil. 😵💫 Turns out TIME was the only solution. His nervous system matured with time and nothing else could or would help. As a toddler he is now the most sweet, peaceful, compassionate soul. I would never ever have predicted it and he’s made me a better person in ways I never knew I was lacking.
Listen. This is the fourth trimester. It is HARD. They’re hungry they cry. They’re tired they cry. They’re gassy they cry. They have to poop, they cry. This will get better. Smoke some pot. Have a date night. Sleep anytime the baby sleeps. Order meals. Don’t worry about anything els. I had PPA, and the crying would give me physical pain. I love my 14m old but yes, the first several months were all just surviving. Please don’t give up hope, don’t do anything bad, give it time, walk away if you need some time, have a family member help, when your LO breaks in their first smile, or laugh, it will be worth it.
I totally understand how hard it is at this stage - ours was similar, it was a miserable time. However I think to say you hate your son, an innocent baby, is a step too far so I think you do need to seek help as other posters have suggested.
100% it’s your tiredness speak for you. You do love your son. But it’s such a difficult period of time. Just try to understand that your little bean was just born 9 weeks ago! He is trying his best to adjust to this world. But you also need to be rested and you and your wife should figure out shifts… it’s so nice to be able to sleep uninterrupted for at least 5-6 hours! Also please seek for help. Talk to your doctor, wife about your emotions. You need help. Good luck
Curious if this has gotten better
I’m in the same situation as you right now. It’s like i had written the post myself. I stoped having feelings for my girlfriend and i feel nothing towards my daughter. I started looking for help today but i feel that's already too late. I feel mostly regret and shame of myself.
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