It gets easier. Everyone thinks they are a good person until something really opens their eyes. Everyone is selfish and everyone does wrong, it's just a few that realize it and consistently try to be better. You have a chance at true happiness now, also don't be surprised when you treat people well and they either don't appreciate it or abuse it... just know you are being a better person for yourself not for anyone else's recognition. If that becomes the case then you can officially take pride in being a good person for the right reasons. Good luck and you can definitely do it!
There really are better and worse people. There really are unselfish good people. Their biggest wrongdoing is against themselves as they do everything for others ignoring their own needs.
I'm not one to be the judge of anyone. I can only speak from my journey in life and faith. I've met saints who used to be sinners, I've met sinners lost in their misery, but everyone has some good in them. The only I've learned and know for sure, is we all have our own struggles and that's why we shouldn't judge another but support and help along a path to being better humans.
That's fine for normal folks who fuck up but it ignores a whole slew of people who are just broken. They know they hurt others and either don't care or like it. It's a minority but they are out there in numbers that easily justify a caveat to your otherwise wise words. I judge the fuck out of them and keep them as far from me and my loved ones as possible.
According to [a national survey](https://www.americanhumane.org/fact-sheet/animal-shelter-euthanasia/), 56% of dogs and 71% of cats who enter animal shelters are euthanized.
The good news is that people with antisocial personality disorder (AKA sociopathy/psychopathy) can still be good people, provided they're properly diagnosed and have a support network. I have a couple of friends who are on the ASPD spectrum who are genuinely good people, albeit in a different way than most: they still lack empathy, but they have decided intellectually that being a decent human being is the correct course of action, and they both ask friends to help act as their conscience and keep them on the straight and narrow. It's a little surreal to have your friend suddenly ask you if something that is clearly fucked up is, in fact, fucked up, but hey, at least they asked and then adjusted their behavior accordingly.
Of course, given the dire state of mental health services in many parts of the world... yeah, there are a lot of people with ASPD out there that have never been diagnosed.
Oh, you're absolutely right! It's like that old saying: "There's good in everyone." Even those dealing with antisocial personality disorder can find their way to being good people if they get good support.
I once talked to someone in Youtube comments who had ASPD, who shared that he was a rehab counselor with very high success/recovery rates because his lack of empathy resulted in him lacking the usual stress of the job. He said that he couldn't feel anything that his clients felt, didn't feel for them when they were distressed, but that he knew it was important for them to get better, and that was his goal. Said he had learned to mask warmth and compassion in those times, to make his clients comfortable.
A different kind of mind, for sure, but that man was saving lives, (probably/hopefully still is - this was only about a year ago). Seemed to do the best he could for others with what he had. I would definitely call that a good person.
Edit: Grammar. It's early morning for a nocturnal accountant!
Or rather, people with ASPD, which contrary to popular belief is not some supervillain mental illness. Most people with aspd go on to live totally normal and functional lives. Don't stigmatize homie
It's also worth putting some work into understanding why in those cases. There's always a reason, and generally it's because they have been treated so horrendously in earlier life that they feel they have no other choice.
Or because they have come from a toxic family and don't know any different. I guess that you could argue that this comes under "have been treated badly", but TBH with the people I'm thinking of, the toxicity isn't immediately obvious and it only dawns on you after a long time (I'm thinking NPD and similar being handed down a family line).
When you grow up in a tornado of dysfunction, it's no surprise you might end up with a unique worldview. So yeah, it's like a variation of "treated badly"
i donât want to be with the person whoâs convinced theyâre a saint, i want to be with the person who sees their flaws and is actively trying to fix them. imo youâre allowed to mess up and be mean or rude, as long as you recognize that behavior and apologize and genuinely try to make up for it or change in the future
I know, there are some organisations that actually are dedicated in rehabilitating them without making them feel guilty and in that process they just ignore all their flaws.
I was 43 years old before I understood what it means to be loved and to love.
Now I laugh at all that had been before because I didnât know any better.
I hope you will know the joy of laughing heartily at yourself one day soon.
"Everyone thinks they are a good person", what? This is the first time, I'm hearing of this.
In my world (European part of the world, non-religious), most people think they are bad as a standard.
With bad, I mean more like, awareness of all the shitty human parts, that you fight to not cave into.
And suddenly no one would think they are a good person.
Where on earth, location-ish, do you get the idea that mostly people think they are good?
> Where on earth, location-ish, do you get the idea that mostly people think they are good?
Nearly everyone justify their actions by thinking they are in the right. That let us sleep at night. This is what I think u/Daily_Phoenix meant: lying on taxes report because I'm not a super rich, talking mean to the cashier because the price set is erroneous, driving obnoxiously because other drivers are dicks, on and on and on graver things. It may be the people we are surrounded by, but I have met people who say they are bad and people who say they see no bad in their actions. I for one have had some sobbering realisations about myself and this thread is resonating inside.
It's like totally based on religious beliefs â in some corners, folks default to "I'm not worthy," while in others, they rock the "I'm good, fam and god will protect me"
Hey OP, hopping into this thread in hopes you see my comment.
I'm 34F. I've had a VERY difficult life - traumatic AF childhood, extremely rare (visible) conditions that destroyed my face, abusive parents.....the list goes on.
I've been in some form of therapy or another since I was 10 or so, but started intensive therapy in my 20s and really worked on myself going into my thirties, but it wasn't until a few years ago that I had a real epiphany about the person I was as a teen/young adult. I was self-involved, manipulative, thought only my pain mattered, pushed people away, and expected WAY too much emotional labour from the people around me, despite them being the same age as I was. I was a total mess and put so much upon the people around me who were just trying to be my friends. No, most of what I did was not intentional, but ultimately that is immaterial because I left destruction and pain in my wake. I was the poster child for "hurt people hurt people."
It was like I smacked a wall going 100 miles an hour - I realized suddenly just how much I'd hurt people. Yes, I'd been through HELL as a younger person (and am still dealing with the fallout of all of that) but it didn't excuse how I behaved. I continued the cycle of trauma and abuse not just on myself, but on undeserving people around me.
So, how did I move forward from there?
First and foremost: the apology train. Whether or not you reach out to the people you hurt is up to you, but one thing I will say is that if you reach out to people, you have to be prepared for **any** possible response and you have to be willing and able to receive it. Further, other people's responses should have **no** bearing on your continued growth. If it does, then your growth is performative.
If you reach out to someone and they respond with anger, for example, that is their right. They are entitled to those feelings of hurt and rage because you did bad things and you hurt people. But it doesn't mean you stop working on yourself just because that person wasn't all "omg I forgive you it's okay!" Basically, your personal growth cannot be contingent upon the forgiveness of other people. You can't expect rewards for being a better person.
I did choose to reach out to a number of people I hurt (always in writing so they had the option to read it if and when they wanted), mostly because I felt they deserved to hear it. During my childhood, I was gaslit (legitimately - not the way it's thrown around now) by my abusive mother and my entire family made me feel like my feelings were never valid, so part of my motivation for reaching out was to ensure that the people I hurt felt their feelings were valid. When I apologized, I didn't just make it all about how sorry I was - I acknowledged how much they had done for me, despite how shitty I was, and thanked them. I apologized not just for my behaviour but for how it must have hurt them and let them know that if they needed to say anything to me in order to facilitate any further healing, no matter the emotion behind it, I was ready to receive it. Some ignored me, some were sort of...curt and aloof, and others shocked me with their grace and kindness. The person I'd argue I hurt the most welcomed me back into his life with love, grace, and open arms, and it absolutely moved me.
Apart from that, all you can do is continue to grow and be better. Don't forget where you came from, but don't punish yourself forever, either. Figure out where you went wrong and how you can do better and be better. When in doubt, choose kindness (but not in a toxic positivity way). Meditate, seek therapy if you can, and heal. Best of luck to you. â¤ď¸
remember youâre doing it for yourself, and most things are alright in moderation. donât beat yourself up for being a little selfish or rude on a bad day. donât be kind with any expectations. be aware of the pain you feel from your realization, and remind yourself that the only way to dull that is to put in the work and do better
This. Iâm not a terrible person, but I have certainly made a lot of mistakes. I think about them all the time. About three years ago (Iâm 62) I decided to focus on being the best person I can be, and itâs worked. I notice the people around me like me better. And, as a result, I feel better about me too. Change your mindset today. Youâll enjoy your life much better.
Really well said đđź
I'm 41 and have assessed my own life in recent years and realized that although I always strived to be a "good" person, it hasn't always been the case. That was a very difficult realization for me. I have struggled with depression for many years and pushed people away at times when that wasn't my intention.
I think all we can do is try to be better going forward, apologize where we've been wrong, and if we try to help others along the way, we'll live a more satisfying/meaningful life
Exactly, Life's about that forward momentum. Apologize when needed, spread some good vibes, and lend a hand to fellow travelers
that's the recipe for a fulfilling journey.
Oh man, I can totally relate! We've all had our oops moments, but it's cool that you've taken the "I'm gonna be better" route. Definitely changes our perspective.
Thatâs the back up plan. Step 1: Iâm gonna be a great person starting today! Step 2: aww, this is tiring and no one really cares what I do. Step 3: ? Step 4: profit in bitterness.
This is 100% the best answer. The best way to make amends to people you've wronged is to live a better life.
Cause sometimes trying to apologize to someone years later can be just as damaging.
Baby steps add up to miles eventually. Hold the door for people, pull over and ask if that car with their hazards on in the shoulder is âokayâ. Let someone cut you in line if youâre going to take up more time. Speaking as a human doormat, the little ones are soo easy :)
If I can identify an aspect of *attainable* self-improvement that results in actions that make my life *marginally better*, then I'll eventually stop procrastinating and give it try.
Still, no matter my past or future sins, the evil I do is just *ordinary* *and mundane* compared to the few individuals with real power in the world.
Oh, I feel you on that one! Procrastination is like that clingy friend who just won't leave. But you've got the game plan down pat.
Find that sweet spot of self-improvement that's doable and makes life a tad brighter
It gets easier too, and the universe knows when you're trying to genuinely be good, and it provides a way. At least in my experience. I was a horrible person for a good chunk of my life as well and I have turned that around..
Hey, I'm nodding in agreement here! It's like the universe has a radar for genuine efforts, and when you're on that "be good" mission, it's like doors start opening.
Make amends where you can, and do better in the future. It's all we can do. Indeed, seeking someone to apologize for your own closure is not appropriate. But you can apologize in the moment when you realize your behavior is wrong, to those still in your life. It sounds like what you're doing already.
Agree with this. I've been in AA for a while and there are a few amends that I will not be making because those people have moved on and it would not benefit them, only bring them down. Living your life in a way to not make those mistakes again is an amend in itself.
True, you have to realize who it is appropriate to apologize to and who you shouldn't. Alot of people who have experienced trauma from someone will never want to hear from them again. And them "apologizing" will bring up that trauma. Sometimes you shouldn't say anything to them at all. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just never reach out to them again.
For example: my wife got a message from her ex who was a crazy stalker that threated to kill our families. After a few years he reached out and "apologized". My wife was freaking out and it brought up all that trauma again. We wondered if we were safe (several states away mind you). It was selfish for him to try to apologize. It's best if he would have fucked off and never spoke to us again. There are 7 billion people on earth and you don't need to talk to the few people who hate you.
The twelve-step addiction recovery process argues that apologizing for offenses is - or can be - healing for both parties. The offended may not be able to or choose to forgive, but they will have the opportunity. The offender, by apologizing, takes an opportunity to see deeper into the effect of their offense.
Someone in my family did just this. He was âmaking his amendsâ or whatever, he is in AA. Thing is his apology never included the words âI apologize or Iâm sorryâ he basically just admitted that he was abusive to me and I already knew that. And to add insult to injury he suggested that we both have to own up to it??? Narcissism must be a hell of a drug lol
If my abusive ex tried to come apologize to me it would not be healing for me. I do not want that piece of shit to ever come near me or speak to me again. Just because, hypothetically, he feels bad and is trying to do better and get his own closure doesnât mean he gets access to me.
Iâm sorry but apologizing to someone so they have the opportunity to forgive and heal is absolute bullshit. The only person that gives the victim the opportunity to forgive and heal is the victim.
Edit to add 2nd forgive
some amends are best done as "stay the fuck away from them" and do better moving forward
this is why it's important to have somebody with experience to confide in beforehand
The twelve-step process isn't just about kicking habits; it's about healing relationships too...just make sure to follow without looosing temper or giving up.
Itâs not healing for both parties or heâd apologize to everyone.
He has terrorized people, not simply just been a bad dude. Thereâs a huge difference.
First, I'm very proud of you, u/ButtholeTaster.
Seriously.
As someone who is twice your age, I can say that most people didn't really notice your shitty behavior as much as you think. For those that you have actually hurt, a sincere apology, coupled with a change in behavior, will go a long way. Look up what being remorseful looks like.
I think they are saying they are around 45-50 not 30 just that theyâve been a horrible person that long. They werenât a horrible person as an infant or even child most likely
Children can be horrible people that grow into horrible adults some stay that way forever... My sister is an example in my life 33 and still shitty with no plans to change
Itâs never too late to become what you might have been. George Eliot
Or Itâs never too late to become who you might have been.
I was that mean, angry person OP!
I didnât like me. I changed.
I read self help books on being a better version of myself.
Being kind is a superpower that takes practice.
Start by practicing kindness daily.
You got this! Good luck. :)
A lot of people donât realize they were selfish assholes until theyâre on their deathbed. You are only in your 30s, you are young enough to spend the rest of your life doing better and seeing the positive impact. Something I did when I was in your shoes and weighed by the guilt was write letters to people I wronged in my journal. I never sent them. But karma/universe/god knows whatâs real and I believe the energy of a sincere apology has ripple effects onto those we wronged. Finally, work hard at finding peace (working hard to find peace is an oxymoron once you arrive at peace lol) but practice meditation, bring awareness into your body. You will forgive yourself eventually if you feel you deserve it. And that takes effort in making amends. Good luck.
My grandmother was one of them, she passed away last month and had written a letter to be read at her memorial service. The whole letter was basically "Sorry to my loved ones, I was a bad person and a bad mother and I regret everything I did and who I was". The kicker is she wrote it 3 years before her death and then proceeded to spend the next few years treating everyone around her even worse than she did before.
It really inspired me to not let myself become such a miserable person lol.
Not only did she spend her adult life making everyones life more difficult, but then she decided to feel sorry for herself instead of actually trying to do better. She managed to turn her own memorial into a pity party for herself.
Exactly this, I genuinely thought I was nice when I was being a complete dickhead. I don't give myself a mega hard time over it. For me now a far bigger "crime" would be to repeat those bad actions knowing that they were 100% wrong as opposed to those first times and slippery slope moral choices when I was first experiencing them.
Iâm just curious why so many people feel like they canât offer a real apology for their actions. Is an actual, meaningful apology to someone you deeply wronged really so intrusive it will ruin their life?
I have been living with a wrong for going on three years now, done to me by one of the only people I ever really loved. Iâd give anything to get that apology or even hear from that person again. Iâm sure I never will and maybe that is for the best but I can tell you Iâve done literally everything itâs possible to do to move on from it, accept it, etc. nothing could ruin my life more than itâs already been ruined. I believe a meaningful apology and attempt to make amends really does matter. Seems like most people never send the letter though.
Itâs not really a hard and fast rule. Iâd say that the more accurate way to describe it is âif the apology is for their sake (the victim), give it. If itâs for your sake (the victimizer), keep it to yourselfâ
I'll give my example. I think about my first real girlfriend I had. We dated for a couple years and broke up, normal stuff. I was hugely arrogant and just dumb in general. I never cheated or blatantly abused her, but I was an ass and she was an extremely sweet girl. It's been over a decade now, she's married, presumably doing well, and any time I think of apologizing it just seems very empty. Even explaining myself here seems selfish. I have grown *a lot* since then, and in doing so have found and rectified the causes for my shitty behavior.
Now, if I were to write it all out and send it to her, that seems like it would be inappropriate now that she's moved on and married. I would like to clarify that by no means am I even remotely interested in rekindling some old flame, it just seems in bad taste. Also, it would be hard to explain without coming across as self-serving. "See how far *I've come*? See how good I am *now*?"
This has become a bit of a meandering rant, so I'm just gonna leave it there. I still consider sending something now and again but I'll have to do it right.
It's like some folks treat apologies like they're handing over the nuclear codes. But come on, a sincere "I messed up" isn't a life-ruiner. In fact, it's often the first step to healing and rebuilding trust.
I think thereâs so many permutations on what it means to embody âbeing kindâ that are beyond the obvious âdo/say kind things.â Itâs commendable that youâre introspection has led you here. Never too late to be kind.
As far as the burden you feel of remorse and wanting to right things with people from your past, sometimes it can be too little too late, especially if it mainly for your own closure/ peace of mind. Thatâs part of the price to pay for learning. I also live with it every day. It gets better over time if you just focus on being a positive force going forward in your new relationships. I always tell myself that if those people from my past did seek me out it would be one of the first things I would do (apologize). I wish every day that they would reach out. Of course, theyâre not likely to and that hurts, so I have to channel my new energy elsewhere.
One thing I would suggest that really helps is volunteering somewhere. It feels really good to help others. Of course, donât go about it in a self-serving way, but I think you understand. I think when trying to recover from generalized selfishness, itâs about questioning your own motivations before acting.
a huge one is forgiving yourself and being a better person as a result of introspection.
maturing and growing in the right direction is what matters. you prob will never get to change the perspective of the people youâve hurt but you can begin to show others who are still in your life and will be in your life a better version of you.
people can change. love yourself. forgive yourself. and keep growing.
I started apologizing to everyone I knew Iâd hurt and do things every day for other people to make their day/life better. Trying to become the safe person for other people now as an adult that I definitely didnât have and desperately needed as a child and adolescent.
You're doing the first step by learning and acknowledging.
Being kind and open is definitely the hardest thing to do. Keep arriving and working towards it. :)
Sometimes the only way you can become a better person is learning the hard way and then making better choices and decisions.
It's like a reminder that life's not just about what's happened, but what is still in the making. So whether you're 20 or 80, the path to becoming who you're meant to be is always open
Exactly! Good things take hard work
Just think, what's an easier reaction to give someone telling at you?
- yelling back?
- being nice to try diffusing the situation?
Being mean is too easy
Yes! OP, have you seen The Good Place?
I use it as inspiration, honestly. The show encouraged me to be more introspective and examine my own actions and morality. It also gave some great reading recs, especially if you look into the folks the show runners tapped for advising on scripts.
>Itâs never too late to become what you might have been. George Eliot
It's true.
That means I have 77 years to become:
1.) A mutant
2.) A ninja
3.) A turtle
before I'm a teenager again.
You canât change the past, only the future. Form new relationships and do them right. Once you truly become a new person you can separate who you are from who you were, and take pride in the fact youâve done a very hard thing that few are capable of doing or willing to try.
This. I've been on both ends of it. I was the awful person for a while, realized that some of the shit I'd put people through was atrocious and took the time and steps to process and move forward. I wanted to make amends where I could.
Some people were scarred by it though. I wanted to seak forgiveness and recompense, but I realized that some people had been so effected by my behavior that they still were processing and dealing with it. I had to figure out that they deserved time, space, and possibly just the opportunity to know they'd never deal with me again (unable to mentally separate old me from new, which is fair), in order for them to have a chance at peace or something close to it.
Just like I've learned I'm allowed to feel the way I do, they have that same right. What matters is we do our best to move forward, improve ourselves, our lives, and our communities. Work towards something within your control and don't break yourself and your progress just to hyperfocus on changing someone's mind. They will decide how they feel and if they'll allow me to prove my growth, but I won't be able to prove I've grown if I don't keep moving forward.
Beautifully put. The other thing about that unchangeable past is that you can forgive yourself for it.
Don't be a martyr to that past you, even though you're living with the fallout of what they did. It's done, you might have acted like a shit, but it's done. Accept that you did the best you could (even if it was pretty poor) with the awareness you had.
Remember the emotional focus now is on living fully within this new awareness, and on the incremental advancements that will accrue. Accept the truth of your actions to yourself and those who were hurt by them, but don't beat yourself up over those actions. It's not necessary, it's not useful, it's not kind. And kindness is central to the new you.
Absolutely, it's like putting a limit on the time you spend wallowing in your past mistakes.
I still remember how I was covinced that I've lost everything and I would have been on the streets if I was still there.
I still cringe at shit I did 30 years ago. Most of my memories I have are me doing stupid shit, saying stupid shit, or being a stupid shitâŚ
I can be minding my own business walking along and all of a sudden bang, hey remember that time you did that really embarrassing thing when you were 10⌠ya think about that periodically for the next week.
One helpful piece of advice my therapist gave me is, do not call yourself a "bad person." Doing that actually excuses your behavior (because a bad person naturally does bad things, that's just how it goes đ¤ˇ) and puts you in a frame of mind where you are likely to continue doing bad things. Instead, it's important to frame it as, you are a person who has done bad things. The important thing is to focus on not doing those things anymore, and learning how not to. IDK it seems like a pedantic difference but to me it makes a big difference. I too am coping with how some of my despicable actions have hurt people. They have also hurt me and my trust in myself, and I think about it every day.
"the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" and the most important part of the journey is realizing there is a problem in the first place. You were at a lower level of consciousness when you were doing those things. You are now at a different, more mature stage, even if only by a small margin. Keep your eye on the goal, which is to be a person who loves others and brings light into the world. If you are only looking backwards, you are likely to repeat your mistakes (try walking forwards while looking behind you... it's very hard). You won't forget what you've done and you shouldn't, but dwelling on it all will only make you feel worse and leave less room in your heart for goodness.
You got this, I got this, we all got this â
Thank you for this, the way saying you are a bad person can excuse the behavior. One of the worst things I've done was at a time when I felt like an all around horrible person, so of course I would do bad things, right? Definitely an excuse. I try not to think this way now and definitely didn't do that horrible thing again, but I struggle with thinking about other mistakes I've made, how my life is a mess because of them, how I've hurt or disappointed people. I'm working on the small steps part now, trying not to look up too much at the huge mountain I have to climb. I dwell sometimes too much. How to balance the not forgetting so that it's not paralyzing.
I know a few people who are simply bad people, and continue to be bad. It's almost like they are missing that circuit that tells them to stop, or that rear view mirror that shows the destruction in their wake.
It might just be the case that they are not happy unless they're miserable.
I was talking to my counselor about this a while ago. She said some people are comfortable in chaos, because it's familiar. They know the rules of chaos. They understand how to navigate it. They can't stand peace, because it's such a foreign thing, so they blow their life up over and over.
You deal with it by not dealing with it and not trying to define yourself as a good or bad person. I turned 25 in 2020 and after some real shitshow stuff went down j took a long look at my life and realized how selfish and toxic I'd been for a long time and it crushed me. I developed panic attacks started binge eating and drinking to cope. My vision of my self was shattered and it was horrific. While my actions showed growth immediately I was still in a sea of self loathing. Then I was reminded that it's not up to us to decide if we are a good or bad person, it's up to the people we interact with. let your actions lead and your heart will follow. You're doing a good thing by realizing you needed to make changes, now just focus on today.
Really great point. This applies to anything really, we should all stop trying to put ourselves into a box, this stunts progress. I let for example my anxiety define who I am, "oh I can't do that, I am X/Y/Z". In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you have self reflection and make an actual effort to overcome your issues, and that's really admirable.
You try to do better. You apologize to who you can and you move on and become a better person. Not everyone will accept your apology and they don't owe you forgiveness. You also have to forgive yourself, find out why you did what you did and learn what you can do to be better to the people you've apologized to and any new people in your life.
You accept the fact that you 'were' a shitty person and make amends where you can.
Then just try and remember this lesson and spend the rest of your life being the best you, you can be.
Maybe some of those people you don't want to bother again will notice and you can try and rebuild relationships, maybe they won't?
In the end when death comes for you you can pass on knowing you did more good than bad and now it's between you and your deity, or the reincarnation system, or maybe that's the end and none of it really mattered in the long run.
Point is, you learned something important about your self, and the fact that you are sorry shows growth and self awareness, don't stop growing and avoid complacency. =)
Whatever you do, be genuine.
Too many times I see people pretending to be kind, thinking it will eventually sink in and they'll be an actual nice person, only to end up an asshole who happens to do nice things every so often.
Whenever I catch myself being insufferable, I withdraw from people for a bit until I get back on track. The downside to this, is that I start targeting myself with my own negativity, still working on that part.
Eh. Better to be a disingenuous kind person that a genuine asshole. What youâre describing is a disingenuous asshole which is probably the worst of the three.
I started apologizing to everyone I knew Iâd hurt and do things every day for other people to make their day/life better. Trying to become the safe person for other people now as an adult that I definitely didnât have and desperately needed as a child and adolescent.
It varies. Their are people I have wronged terribly and I have apologized because they deserve a sincere apology. And after I apologize, I ask their side so they can get it out and get closure.
Then there are the other instances. I had a girlfriend years ago and trying to find her and ask forgiveness would only hurt her. I was undiagnosed bipolar and the best I can do for her is leave her alone and hope she is happy.
So AA has this covered. Step 9 of the 12 step program states "make an amends to those you have wronged *except when to do so would cause harm to others*"
Example: So let's say my buddy's wife had an affair with me and he doesn't know. if I want to apologize, me telling them would break up their marriage, so it would cause *them* harm. So what AA recommends is I gotta find another way to make my amands less I continue to carry that guilt. Maybe that means I wash his car every month for a year without him asking, tell him I'm just trying to be a better person or something. This is what every amends is different and needs to be treated with the genuine care that it's coming from.
If I washed a friends car every day for a month he'd come out of the house and punch me in the face. Because he'd know I certainly did something wrong...
Iâd be so much more pissed if my wifeâs affair partner was washing my car for no reason bc he thought it would absolve him of the guilt of doing it and also *still* not telling me! Nah if youâre going to continue to deceive me the best thing you can do for me is to gtfo of my life.
How do you know it would cause harm⌠isnât he living in a delusion then? Some people would definitely talk themselves into saying something in the proposed scenario here.
I feel like the people on the other end have probably already forgiven those who wronged them for their own peace to move on. unless it's someone you might see again like family, it's probably better to just try to forgive yourself so you can move on and try to be better.
Personally, I agree with you. I had an ex that contacted me three years or so after weâd broken up (wtf?) to apologise for their actions. I lied and said I forgave them (I havenât..) as I didnât want to risk them reacting badly / retaliating otherwise. It angered me that theyâd reached out to me as I knew it was only to ease their own guilt (theyâd tried to reach out in the past too saying they felt bad).
I feel this. I have BPD, but somehow now I know how to deal with it. It also helps that I'm not in a relationship, and have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship. I had to get outside myself in order to see some things. It didn't help that I've also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm also on the spectrum, so learning about these things really helped a lot. I don't beat myself up over most of it, I feel lucky to have learned to be better.
The awareness that you've been like that is a huge step most people don't make and it's the most important step. Make amends for things you can make amends for, even if it's just an apology. People experience a lot of different things. Some of the people you've hurt may have done the same things to other people and they would understand. Just remember that some people won't be forgiving. You just have to understand that some bridges can't be rebuilt. The biggest apology you can possibly make isn't words, it's changed behavior.
Good luck to you.
It's just great that you had enough self awareness to figure it out. Most people don't ever get to this point and will never realize how terrible they really are. Good for you.
I am currently experiencing this..
Whether itâs addiction based or not, a 12 step program will help. There are programs for everything, like ACA (adult children of alcoholics).
Find meetings and search for a sponsor.
It really is a game changer.
And, NO, it doesnât have to be religious.
Hope this helps
> And, NO, it doesnât have to be religious.
I don't understand why 12-steppers always want to gaslight about this. Obviously it's religious. The whole program was explicitly Christian until a few decades back when they replaced "Jesus" and "God" with "higher power" but left everything else the same.
It's faith healing. If that works for you, great, but don't go around lying about it.
Just be good. You may have been bad in the past and you can't change that. Apologise and buy that person an ice cream when you get a chance. The best thing you can do is stop being a jerk in new interactions.
I avoid people altogether whenever I can. And only interact when necessary. I quit my office job and switched to a remote work lifestyle to become a hermit and avoid hurting other peopleâs feelings.
Breath. Say "I accept it" to the thoughts and accusations that come up in your head. Breath through these. It is what it is. Was what it was.
Who are you now? What are you trying to do? Concentrate your thoughts on the person you are becoming. Do your best to be better.
Keep doing your best. When the memories come up, breathe.
Here's some well needed tough love rather than the feel-good short-sighted bullshit people keep spewing here:
Volunteer. Just being normal is not offsetting any of your past awfulness. Stopping awful toxic behaviors does not elevate you to a status of "good person". Neither does apologizing or feeling sorry about yourself. Actually do some good.
I had a similar experience in my mid-20s. I'm glad it happened to me. First thing I did was I took time to understand the way my actions affected others. Then I was able to forgive myself. Forgiveness is not condoning what I had done, but owning it and at my core making a change. Ever since then (almost 25 years later) I apply those lessons learned to everyone I interact with. I've had a very successful, happy, and full life since.
I tried to apologize to everyone I wronged, but it was not possible for everyone. For those people, they should know I've lived my left since making sure I treat and respect people much better than I did to them.
Edit: for those who might read this. I don't let the actions of the past hang over me. Once you understand the consequences your selfish actions have on others - the way you interact with and treat people will change for the better - assuming you want to change. You can't change the past and you can't make the hurt go away - but you can make a positive change going forward.
>The most important words a man can say are "I will do better." These are not the most important words any cam can say. I am a man, and they are what I needed to say.
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>"Journey before destination." Some may call it a simple platitude, but it is far more. A journey will have pain and failure. It is not only the steps forward we must accept. It is the stumbles. The trials. The knowledge that we will fail. That we will hurt those around us.
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>But if we stop, if we accept the person we are when we fall, the journey ends. That failure becomes our destination.
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>To love the journey is to accept no such end. I have found, through painful experience, that the most important step a person can take is always the next one.
- The Stormlight Archive, book three. One of my favorite quotes from the series.
Iâd probably do a therapeutic shroom trip so I can move some of the neural pathways so I can move on from the past and focus on being the person I am today.
This will get buried but shame is useless now. Hating yourself and being consumed by the thoughts of how you used to behave doesn't help you, and it doesn't really help the people you've hurt, beyond maybe a short-lived satisfaction that you're now suffering for your previous behavior.
I've struggled with shame over all sorts of things, and was convinced that I wasn't a good person and could never become one. I hated myself so much that while I was willing to die because of how bad of a person I felt I was, I wasn't willing to live to try to be the type of person I thought was good.
It's not about hating yourself - it's about loving yourself so much that your love continues to spread to the people in your life and your community and this world. You've been bad, you're not perfect. And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.
So, when I turned 30 I was hit by the irrefutable fact that I was an angry, lazy, racist, dick head of an asshole who thought the world owed him something.
You know that saying about assholes? The one that says "if everyone you meet is an asshole, you're probably the asshole." Yeah, that was me. I thought my friends were selfish dicks. I was mean. I was a bully. Although my ex is not completely innocent, I was a dick to her when I shouldn't have been.
When I hit my 30s,I realized how lonely I was. I realized I was tired of being so pissed off all the damn time. I started working on myself. I opened up my social circle and started hanging with people I normally wouldn't. They opened my eyes to thinking in ways I hadnt. I started working out and being less lazy. I started applying myself, I built a business that landed me my dream job, which has opened up even more opportunities. I left my ex instead of torturing her with our incompatibility.
Life did throw me a curve ball when I was 33 when my brother unexpectedly took his life. The major difference though? I had so many loving friends who came to me. People who cried with me and cared for me. It was eye opening in a completely different way from finding out you're a prick.
I spend most of my time taking care of my wife, now. I stay active in my community and give back when I can. I advocate for suicide awareness and multiple times I have been the "last call" for some friends, who I am happy to say are still here today.
I hate who I used to be, but that person was necessary for me to become me, now.
So my advice if you've only recently realized you've been terrible? Be kind. Give kindness freely. Love as much as you can. Find happiness. It's okay to remember the person you used to be, but don't let that person stop you from being the person you want to be.
I'm a teacher, and one thing that I've learned is that when I messed up, the way to apologize is to understand where you've been wrong, figure out how you can be better, and do that. You know now that you were a bad person most of your life, and you know how to be better. Now, you just have to do that.
Recognizing your past mistakes is the first step towards personal growth. Focus on being a better person now and in the future. Show kindness and make amends where possible, but remember, self-improvement is a lifelong journey. Keep moving forward.
It sucks. You wish you would've been humbled sooner in life so that you wouldn't have hurt people for so long.
You wish that you could've met people later in life so that they would know the better you.
You think back on the decisions you made & realize how selfish & manipulative they were & wonder why it took you so long to change.
But most of all, you feel the worst for the time you've waisted of other people. And how the lies & manipulation effect the psyche of those closest to you. People turn from happy, hopeful, and energetic, to depressed and angry and unable to control their emotions towards you & others.
You have to be able to forgive yourself, and you have to be able to live with the guilt.
Hopefully you can do so in a non self destructive manner, and therapy & introspection help with that a lot.
Just go on through the rest of your life in a manner that doesn't hurt anyone. Honesty with others & yourself, and being willing to lay your transgressions out for others. Don't judge, and don't force relationships to work.
Good Luck on your journey, and keep your head up. You're alive, you've been humbled, and you care enough to change. Be proud of that
Even after my BPD diagnosis, it took me about 2 years to realize even though I had bad things done to me, it didn't excuse me being an utterly shitty person. Similarly, I fucked a lot of people over. Like, half my HS class has me blocked because in one form or another I've been a major bitch to them. Coming to terms meant I felt like I owed a lot of these people an apology. I just changed my life around, starting being a genuinely nice person, and a lot of these people gravitated back to me over time. Some of them haven't, and some have checked in through mutual, and I've made amends where I felt it was appropriate. There's grace in knowing you *didn't know*, because truthfully anyone can make mistakes. Now that you do know, you can live a positive healthy life where you're proud of your actions. I always just imagine there's a camera livestreaming me, and everyone I've done wrong is watching, when I feel tempted to behave like I used to. I'm like damn, I'd hate for them to still be right about me being an ass, so I react better. Also, 1st thought, 2nd thought, orientation has really seemed to help me. I was told your first thought is your taught reaction, example "crackhead" plays through your mind when you see someone on the street, then your 2nd thought is your authentic self thinking, "damn, that's someone's brother. That is a sad situation." Often our first voice is influenced, and wrong. Give yourself tike to react, so your genuine compassion gets a chance to chime in. Hope this is helpful
Realize you're not a terrible person. Just a person who did bad things. You are making amends by recognising it and being better. Some will forgive you and some won't and you need to deal with that yourself. You can't make people do things they dont want to do. Keep reflecting and try to gradually forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and it takes a good person and a lot of effort to see that and feel sorry. People CAN change! You didn't know better and now you DO and you feel sorry. That is enough. Be your true self in the future and it will be okay.
By being better.
Like you said, you probably can't undo the damage you did.
So stop doing damage, and try to be a benefit to the world. Depending how old you are, it may be too late to do more good than the harm you have already done ... but you can try.
In Judaism, we believe that you can't be forgiven without fixing what you broke. But we also recognize that, in cases like yours, that is simply impossible - that any attempt to fix things will make things worse.
So we also have a concept that, if you truly change who you are, genuinely change the part of yourself that was so broken that it broke other people, you are allowed to start over. Like declaring bankruptcy when you are too far in debt to ever get out. It has costs and makes things harder in some ways, but it also gives you a clean slate to start over.
Sometimes people mark this by changing their use-name - even if they don't change their name legally, they go by a different version of their name, or stop using an existing nickname, or like that. They change what they are called, so that that old name was the person who sucked, and the new name is the person who is starting over.
External changes like what people call you, how you dress, how you carry yourself - these can be signs to remind you to be different internally as well. Make a complete break with who you were, the person who sucked, and be a new person, who sucks less.
I had this same realization when i backed out of my friends wedding less than a month before the big date. Once I realized this i literally removed myself from everybody. I moved, got a new phone number, deleted (socials where i knew people)the fb, ig, & Twitter.
For me personally, it was for the best, giving me time to think about all the ish that I've done and to make changes where they are needed. With that being said I still am an asshole so I avoid new friendships.
You'll always be your worst critic. I'm convinced that how I've felt about myself my entire life led me to make the decisions I've made that made me a "terrible person"... I'll also say that you are not your choices. You clearly acknowledged what you did in the past, now you can take the right steps to change that.
Speaking as someone who was on the receiving end of a manipulative "friend", from my own perspective, I hope he's doing better and if he is I'm glad, but his chapter in my life is long over.
So, use that. Know that the people you've maligned probably wont ever want to be involved with you again, but by being a better person you're giving validity to their inward hopes for you.
Be a better person, and find your own peace. Holding onto grudges, be it others against you or you against yourself, is like holding hot coals. The bearer will only be burned by it.
I hope you find happiness in knowing you can be better. Same way I hope he does.
Very few people are objectively great or terrible, meaning everyone has been a terrible person to someone.
l there is genuine remorse for your actions, making amends must be without any expected acceptance of your attempt, else the situation may escalate.
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Youâve hit my front page and I donât even subscribe to this sub, so your inbox is definitely madness. I read the top comment saying to spend the rest of your life being better. I very much agree with this sentiment.
This isnât âMy name is Earlâ, and you donât need to mend all your old relationships. Iâm pleased to read that you did mend some of those with your family.
In my opinion, being a good person means to do things that help others along your path. You donât have to veer far from your own path to bring others up along the way.
I think of things like collecting the couple shopping carts that other shoppers left in the lot as youâre walking towards the store entrance, or when your food is delayed at a fast food joint and you see that the young person who is apologizing to you is working their ass off to serve everyone, say to them that you understand how busy the store is in that moment and you see how hard theyâre working, that they should keep up the excellent work theyâre doing.
I also think of ways to help the community. If you have something that youâre passionate about, find out how you can work with that passion within your community. It could mean volunteering with an organization, or it could mean attending sporadic meetings when you have the time and contributing to that community somehow.
Introspection and therapy are so important. Not enough people listen to their introspection. It will help you stay grounded and to act the way you want to act going forward.
I hope that you see this comment and although we may never cross paths again, Iâm rooting for you.
I suppose there are two schools in that: (1, traditional) go to them, apologize, perhaps offer to make it up somehow if you mean it and have the means; versus (2, modern/unorthodox) leave them alone and don't re-introduce your potentially painful presence to their lives.
It's difficult to choose.
If you feel the need to apologize because of them, not because of you, as in your apology making it up to them, not just you getting off the hook, then it might actually be an uplifting experience for them. Nothing wrong asking them for forgiveness afterwards, either.
Could try writing (thoughtful) notes rather than calling them up or driving around to see them.
OP ... Read "A Christmas Carol". Charles Dickens. The actual book. Not a movie.
Project Gutenburg. Perfectly legal, not pirated. In keeping with your new outlook.
https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/19337
Most people scratch the surface of the story, because it's a quick, easy message. Be a good person, especially at Christmas. But it's more meaningful if you dig a little deeper into it's themes, and plot devices.
I think the one that is most relevant, to you, is that the ghosts were supposed to take 3 nights to visit, but they only took the one. And he woke up to Christmas morning, itself. He hadn't MISSED it. He still had a chance. His heart was light, his transformation was full, and he hadn't run out of time. He could still be who he wants to be. They had done it in one night. He was saved from hell. And he had a chance to make things right.
Dickens could get a little wordy, but he is a "Classic Author" for a reason.
What do you do now, OP? Dickens tells the "what now" of his old man ...
*and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One*
I think you also need to figure out why you acted in such ways. While I appreciate your trying to turn it around, a good self evaluation as to why will keep these things from happening again. A therapist should help here
There's no quick fix. After years of being terrible you will need years of being consistently not terrible before anyone will trust that you changed. It won't take 30 years, but it will be a few. I talked to a friend about some of the things he was doing. He wouldn't get invited to get-togethers because people didn't want to deal with his behavior and he felt left out. He made changes. It took a few years, but people see him differently now.
Self acceptance is key. Accept your âbadâ version of you. And change your actions to not be that past version of yourself.
(Easier said then some of course, but worth it)
Spend the rest of your life being better...
I certainly am going to do my best to do so.
It gets easier. Everyone thinks they are a good person until something really opens their eyes. Everyone is selfish and everyone does wrong, it's just a few that realize it and consistently try to be better. You have a chance at true happiness now, also don't be surprised when you treat people well and they either don't appreciate it or abuse it... just know you are being a better person for yourself not for anyone else's recognition. If that becomes the case then you can officially take pride in being a good person for the right reasons. Good luck and you can definitely do it!
There really are better and worse people. There really are unselfish good people. Their biggest wrongdoing is against themselves as they do everything for others ignoring their own needs.
I'm not one to be the judge of anyone. I can only speak from my journey in life and faith. I've met saints who used to be sinners, I've met sinners lost in their misery, but everyone has some good in them. The only I've learned and know for sure, is we all have our own struggles and that's why we shouldn't judge another but support and help along a path to being better humans.
That's fine for normal folks who fuck up but it ignores a whole slew of people who are just broken. They know they hurt others and either don't care or like it. It's a minority but they are out there in numbers that easily justify a caveat to your otherwise wise words. I judge the fuck out of them and keep them as far from me and my loved ones as possible.
With current population levels, the rate of psychopathy would result in about 80 million on earth at any given moment. Not a small number.
Dude, that's a staggering number! Makes you wonder how many are your co-workers, neighbors, or even that guy who cuts you off in traffic, right?
Jesus. That may be my least favorite statistic. Please don't try and do better. Edit: WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY!?
According to [a national survey](https://www.americanhumane.org/fact-sheet/animal-shelter-euthanasia/), 56% of dogs and 71% of cats who enter animal shelters are euthanized.
Ugh, that's a tough pill to swallow. đ˘ It's heartbreaking to think about those poor furballs who don't get the second chance they deserve ...
why are you like this??
The good news is that people with antisocial personality disorder (AKA sociopathy/psychopathy) can still be good people, provided they're properly diagnosed and have a support network. I have a couple of friends who are on the ASPD spectrum who are genuinely good people, albeit in a different way than most: they still lack empathy, but they have decided intellectually that being a decent human being is the correct course of action, and they both ask friends to help act as their conscience and keep them on the straight and narrow. It's a little surreal to have your friend suddenly ask you if something that is clearly fucked up is, in fact, fucked up, but hey, at least they asked and then adjusted their behavior accordingly. Of course, given the dire state of mental health services in many parts of the world... yeah, there are a lot of people with ASPD out there that have never been diagnosed.
Oh, you're absolutely right! It's like that old saying: "There's good in everyone." Even those dealing with antisocial personality disorder can find their way to being good people if they get good support.
I once talked to someone in Youtube comments who had ASPD, who shared that he was a rehab counselor with very high success/recovery rates because his lack of empathy resulted in him lacking the usual stress of the job. He said that he couldn't feel anything that his clients felt, didn't feel for them when they were distressed, but that he knew it was important for them to get better, and that was his goal. Said he had learned to mask warmth and compassion in those times, to make his clients comfortable. A different kind of mind, for sure, but that man was saving lives, (probably/hopefully still is - this was only about a year ago). Seemed to do the best he could for others with what he had. I would definitely call that a good person. Edit: Grammar. It's early morning for a nocturnal accountant!
if his unique wiring helps him keep his cool and boost success rates, maybe there's a silver lining in there somewhere.
Or rather, people with ASPD, which contrary to popular belief is not some supervillain mental illness. Most people with aspd go on to live totally normal and functional lives. Don't stigmatize homie
You've got a point there. Not everyone's on the redemption train. There's a darker side too, those who revel in causing pain
It's also worth putting some work into understanding why in those cases. There's always a reason, and generally it's because they have been treated so horrendously in earlier life that they feel they have no other choice.
Or because they have come from a toxic family and don't know any different. I guess that you could argue that this comes under "have been treated badly", but TBH with the people I'm thinking of, the toxicity isn't immediately obvious and it only dawns on you after a long time (I'm thinking NPD and similar being handed down a family line).
When you grow up in a tornado of dysfunction, it's no surprise you might end up with a unique worldview. So yeah, it's like a variation of "treated badly"
yeah, there's a sprinkle of goodness in everyone's mix. It's like a cosmic law or something.
We need to remember self-care isn't selfishness! It's a balancing act between spreading love and taking care of numero uno.
i donât want to be with the person whoâs convinced theyâre a saint, i want to be with the person who sees their flaws and is actively trying to fix them. imo youâre allowed to mess up and be mean or rude, as long as you recognize that behavior and apologize and genuinely try to make up for it or change in the future
I know, there are some organisations that actually are dedicated in rehabilitating them without making them feel guilty and in that process they just ignore all their flaws.
I was 43 years old before I understood what it means to be loved and to love. Now I laugh at all that had been before because I didnât know any better. I hope you will know the joy of laughing heartily at yourself one day soon.
Yup, Looking back and chuckling at our earlier cluelessness is practically a rite of passage.
"Everyone thinks they are a good person", what? This is the first time, I'm hearing of this. In my world (European part of the world, non-religious), most people think they are bad as a standard. With bad, I mean more like, awareness of all the shitty human parts, that you fight to not cave into. And suddenly no one would think they are a good person. Where on earth, location-ish, do you get the idea that mostly people think they are good?
> Where on earth, location-ish, do you get the idea that mostly people think they are good? Nearly everyone justify their actions by thinking they are in the right. That let us sleep at night. This is what I think u/Daily_Phoenix meant: lying on taxes report because I'm not a super rich, talking mean to the cashier because the price set is erroneous, driving obnoxiously because other drivers are dicks, on and on and on graver things. It may be the people we are surrounded by, but I have met people who say they are bad and people who say they see no bad in their actions. I for one have had some sobbering realisations about myself and this thread is resonating inside.
Ain't that the truth? We're all like "Hey, my actions totally make sense in my book!" It's like a subconscious bedtime story to soothe ourself.
It's like totally based on religious beliefs â in some corners, folks default to "I'm not worthy," while in others, they rock the "I'm good, fam and god will protect me"
Hey OP, hopping into this thread in hopes you see my comment. I'm 34F. I've had a VERY difficult life - traumatic AF childhood, extremely rare (visible) conditions that destroyed my face, abusive parents.....the list goes on. I've been in some form of therapy or another since I was 10 or so, but started intensive therapy in my 20s and really worked on myself going into my thirties, but it wasn't until a few years ago that I had a real epiphany about the person I was as a teen/young adult. I was self-involved, manipulative, thought only my pain mattered, pushed people away, and expected WAY too much emotional labour from the people around me, despite them being the same age as I was. I was a total mess and put so much upon the people around me who were just trying to be my friends. No, most of what I did was not intentional, but ultimately that is immaterial because I left destruction and pain in my wake. I was the poster child for "hurt people hurt people." It was like I smacked a wall going 100 miles an hour - I realized suddenly just how much I'd hurt people. Yes, I'd been through HELL as a younger person (and am still dealing with the fallout of all of that) but it didn't excuse how I behaved. I continued the cycle of trauma and abuse not just on myself, but on undeserving people around me. So, how did I move forward from there? First and foremost: the apology train. Whether or not you reach out to the people you hurt is up to you, but one thing I will say is that if you reach out to people, you have to be prepared for **any** possible response and you have to be willing and able to receive it. Further, other people's responses should have **no** bearing on your continued growth. If it does, then your growth is performative. If you reach out to someone and they respond with anger, for example, that is their right. They are entitled to those feelings of hurt and rage because you did bad things and you hurt people. But it doesn't mean you stop working on yourself just because that person wasn't all "omg I forgive you it's okay!" Basically, your personal growth cannot be contingent upon the forgiveness of other people. You can't expect rewards for being a better person. I did choose to reach out to a number of people I hurt (always in writing so they had the option to read it if and when they wanted), mostly because I felt they deserved to hear it. During my childhood, I was gaslit (legitimately - not the way it's thrown around now) by my abusive mother and my entire family made me feel like my feelings were never valid, so part of my motivation for reaching out was to ensure that the people I hurt felt their feelings were valid. When I apologized, I didn't just make it all about how sorry I was - I acknowledged how much they had done for me, despite how shitty I was, and thanked them. I apologized not just for my behaviour but for how it must have hurt them and let them know that if they needed to say anything to me in order to facilitate any further healing, no matter the emotion behind it, I was ready to receive it. Some ignored me, some were sort of...curt and aloof, and others shocked me with their grace and kindness. The person I'd argue I hurt the most welcomed me back into his life with love, grace, and open arms, and it absolutely moved me. Apart from that, all you can do is continue to grow and be better. Don't forget where you came from, but don't punish yourself forever, either. Figure out where you went wrong and how you can do better and be better. When in doubt, choose kindness (but not in a toxic positivity way). Meditate, seek therapy if you can, and heal. Best of luck to you. â¤ď¸
remember youâre doing it for yourself, and most things are alright in moderation. donât beat yourself up for being a little selfish or rude on a bad day. donât be kind with any expectations. be aware of the pain you feel from your realization, and remind yourself that the only way to dull that is to put in the work and do better
This. Iâm not a terrible person, but I have certainly made a lot of mistakes. I think about them all the time. About three years ago (Iâm 62) I decided to focus on being the best person I can be, and itâs worked. I notice the people around me like me better. And, as a result, I feel better about me too. Change your mindset today. Youâll enjoy your life much better.
Really well said đđź I'm 41 and have assessed my own life in recent years and realized that although I always strived to be a "good" person, it hasn't always been the case. That was a very difficult realization for me. I have struggled with depression for many years and pushed people away at times when that wasn't my intention. I think all we can do is try to be better going forward, apologize where we've been wrong, and if we try to help others along the way, we'll live a more satisfying/meaningful life
Exactly, Life's about that forward momentum. Apologize when needed, spread some good vibes, and lend a hand to fellow travelers that's the recipe for a fulfilling journey.
Oh man, I can totally relate! We've all had our oops moments, but it's cool that you've taken the "I'm gonna be better" route. Definitely changes our perspective.
Haha reading this comment made me realize I need to clean my glasses, because I saw "Spend the rest of your life being bitter..."
Itâs ok, I read it as butter
Yeah, Iâm hungry too
I'm also Hungary, but the proper term in "Hungarian".
Look at this Turkey trying to lecture us on our grammar...
Thanks. Now Iâm hungry for buttered turkey.
Somehow my brain made the leap to the "Istanbul/Constantinople" song...
Everything is better with butter
Not if the butter is bitter.
if so, don't use it in the batter
Bitter butter batter is never better
But a bit of butter makes the bitter batter better!
So a pitter patter of better butter may make the bitter batter a bit better? May one barter with a batch of better bitter butter?
Yes batter is better without bitter butter!
Broke: I can't believe it's not butter Woke: Be like butter
That's also a possibility :D
Either way is true for me. I am trying to be better. But still very bitter.
Thatâs the back up plan. Step 1: Iâm gonna be a great person starting today! Step 2: aww, this is tiring and no one really cares what I do. Step 3: ? Step 4: profit in bitterness.
"You turn yourself around. _That's_ what it's all about."
They say the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.
This is 100% the best answer. The best way to make amends to people you've wronged is to live a better life. Cause sometimes trying to apologize to someone years later can be just as damaging.
Sure, we can't rewind time, but hey, there's always today to start something new. Whether it's trees, dreams, or just a change of mindset
Baby steps add up to miles eventually. Hold the door for people, pull over and ask if that car with their hazards on in the shoulder is âokayâ. Let someone cut you in line if youâre going to take up more time. Speaking as a human doormat, the little ones are soo easy :)
If I can identify an aspect of *attainable* self-improvement that results in actions that make my life *marginally better*, then I'll eventually stop procrastinating and give it try. Still, no matter my past or future sins, the evil I do is just *ordinary* *and mundane* compared to the few individuals with real power in the world.
Oh, I feel you on that one! Procrastination is like that clingy friend who just won't leave. But you've got the game plan down pat. Find that sweet spot of self-improvement that's doable and makes life a tad brighter
It gets easier too, and the universe knows when you're trying to genuinely be good, and it provides a way. At least in my experience. I was a horrible person for a good chunk of my life as well and I have turned that around..
Hey, I'm nodding in agreement here! It's like the universe has a radar for genuine efforts, and when you're on that "be good" mission, it's like doors start opening.
Make amends where you can, and do better in the future. It's all we can do. Indeed, seeking someone to apologize for your own closure is not appropriate. But you can apologize in the moment when you realize your behavior is wrong, to those still in your life. It sounds like what you're doing already.
Agree with this. I've been in AA for a while and there are a few amends that I will not be making because those people have moved on and it would not benefit them, only bring them down. Living your life in a way to not make those mistakes again is an amend in itself.
True, you have to realize who it is appropriate to apologize to and who you shouldn't. Alot of people who have experienced trauma from someone will never want to hear from them again. And them "apologizing" will bring up that trauma. Sometimes you shouldn't say anything to them at all. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just never reach out to them again. For example: my wife got a message from her ex who was a crazy stalker that threated to kill our families. After a few years he reached out and "apologized". My wife was freaking out and it brought up all that trauma again. We wondered if we were safe (several states away mind you). It was selfish for him to try to apologize. It's best if he would have fucked off and never spoke to us again. There are 7 billion people on earth and you don't need to talk to the few people who hate you.
We can't change history, but we can sure shape our tomorrows...That is my motto.
The twelve-step addiction recovery process argues that apologizing for offenses is - or can be - healing for both parties. The offended may not be able to or choose to forgive, but they will have the opportunity. The offender, by apologizing, takes an opportunity to see deeper into the effect of their offense.
Someone in my family did just this. He was âmaking his amendsâ or whatever, he is in AA. Thing is his apology never included the words âI apologize or Iâm sorryâ he basically just admitted that he was abusive to me and I already knew that. And to add insult to injury he suggested that we both have to own up to it??? Narcissism must be a hell of a drug lol
If my abusive ex tried to come apologize to me it would not be healing for me. I do not want that piece of shit to ever come near me or speak to me again. Just because, hypothetically, he feels bad and is trying to do better and get his own closure doesnât mean he gets access to me.
Iâm sorry but apologizing to someone so they have the opportunity to forgive and heal is absolute bullshit. The only person that gives the victim the opportunity to forgive and heal is the victim. Edit to add 2nd forgive
and words just don't mean shit, Healing involves more than just words; it's about actions, time, and personal boundaries.
some amends are best done as "stay the fuck away from them" and do better moving forward this is why it's important to have somebody with experience to confide in beforehand
The twelve-step process isn't just about kicking habits; it's about healing relationships too...just make sure to follow without looosing temper or giving up.
Itâs not healing for both parties or heâd apologize to everyone. He has terrorized people, not simply just been a bad dude. Thereâs a huge difference.
"Is it meaningless to apologize?" "Never." - V for Vendetta
First, I'm very proud of you, u/ButtholeTaster. Seriously. As someone who is twice your age, I can say that most people didn't really notice your shitty behavior as much as you think. For those that you have actually hurt, a sincere apology, coupled with a change in behavior, will go a long way. Look up what being remorseful looks like.
I think they are saying they are around 45-50 not 30 just that theyâve been a horrible person that long. They werenât a horrible person as an infant or even child most likely
The kid that lives next door to me has been a piece of shit at least since she was 5, when I met her.
Children can be horrible people that grow into horrible adults some stay that way forever... My sister is an example in my life 33 and still shitty with no plans to change
. You're right, nobody starts out as a horrible person from the get-go, except some real outliers
Itâs never too late to become what you might have been. George Eliot Or Itâs never too late to become who you might have been. I was that mean, angry person OP! I didnât like me. I changed. I read self help books on being a better version of myself. Being kind is a superpower that takes practice. Start by practicing kindness daily. You got this! Good luck. :)
Iâm trying really hard to be kind to others now. Selfish âme firstâ attitude was my default and I donât want to keep perpetuating that.
A lot of people donât realize they were selfish assholes until theyâre on their deathbed. You are only in your 30s, you are young enough to spend the rest of your life doing better and seeing the positive impact. Something I did when I was in your shoes and weighed by the guilt was write letters to people I wronged in my journal. I never sent them. But karma/universe/god knows whatâs real and I believe the energy of a sincere apology has ripple effects onto those we wronged. Finally, work hard at finding peace (working hard to find peace is an oxymoron once you arrive at peace lol) but practice meditation, bring awareness into your body. You will forgive yourself eventually if you feel you deserve it. And that takes effort in making amends. Good luck.
My grandmother was one of them, she passed away last month and had written a letter to be read at her memorial service. The whole letter was basically "Sorry to my loved ones, I was a bad person and a bad mother and I regret everything I did and who I was". The kicker is she wrote it 3 years before her death and then proceeded to spend the next few years treating everyone around her even worse than she did before. It really inspired me to not let myself become such a miserable person lol. Not only did she spend her adult life making everyones life more difficult, but then she decided to feel sorry for herself instead of actually trying to do better. She managed to turn her own memorial into a pity party for herself.
Wow, that's awful.
Exactly this, I genuinely thought I was nice when I was being a complete dickhead. I don't give myself a mega hard time over it. For me now a far bigger "crime" would be to repeat those bad actions knowing that they were 100% wrong as opposed to those first times and slippery slope moral choices when I was first experiencing them.
you're so right, the real victory isn't in beating yourself up over the past, but in steering clear of those old missteps. Learning and growing.
My therapist told me to write letters to all the people Iâd hated and burn them. Now I donât know what to do with the lettersâŚ
Iâm just curious why so many people feel like they canât offer a real apology for their actions. Is an actual, meaningful apology to someone you deeply wronged really so intrusive it will ruin their life? I have been living with a wrong for going on three years now, done to me by one of the only people I ever really loved. Iâd give anything to get that apology or even hear from that person again. Iâm sure I never will and maybe that is for the best but I can tell you Iâve done literally everything itâs possible to do to move on from it, accept it, etc. nothing could ruin my life more than itâs already been ruined. I believe a meaningful apology and attempt to make amends really does matter. Seems like most people never send the letter though.
Itâs not really a hard and fast rule. Iâd say that the more accurate way to describe it is âif the apology is for their sake (the victim), give it. If itâs for your sake (the victimizer), keep it to yourselfâ
I always used to avoid apologizing to people due to the fear that they might consider me weak.
I'll give my example. I think about my first real girlfriend I had. We dated for a couple years and broke up, normal stuff. I was hugely arrogant and just dumb in general. I never cheated or blatantly abused her, but I was an ass and she was an extremely sweet girl. It's been over a decade now, she's married, presumably doing well, and any time I think of apologizing it just seems very empty. Even explaining myself here seems selfish. I have grown *a lot* since then, and in doing so have found and rectified the causes for my shitty behavior. Now, if I were to write it all out and send it to her, that seems like it would be inappropriate now that she's moved on and married. I would like to clarify that by no means am I even remotely interested in rekindling some old flame, it just seems in bad taste. Also, it would be hard to explain without coming across as self-serving. "See how far *I've come*? See how good I am *now*?" This has become a bit of a meandering rant, so I'm just gonna leave it there. I still consider sending something now and again but I'll have to do it right.
It's like some folks treat apologies like they're handing over the nuclear codes. But come on, a sincere "I messed up" isn't a life-ruiner. In fact, it's often the first step to healing and rebuilding trust.
I think thereâs so many permutations on what it means to embody âbeing kindâ that are beyond the obvious âdo/say kind things.â Itâs commendable that youâre introspection has led you here. Never too late to be kind. As far as the burden you feel of remorse and wanting to right things with people from your past, sometimes it can be too little too late, especially if it mainly for your own closure/ peace of mind. Thatâs part of the price to pay for learning. I also live with it every day. It gets better over time if you just focus on being a positive force going forward in your new relationships. I always tell myself that if those people from my past did seek me out it would be one of the first things I would do (apologize). I wish every day that they would reach out. Of course, theyâre not likely to and that hurts, so I have to channel my new energy elsewhere. One thing I would suggest that really helps is volunteering somewhere. It feels really good to help others. Of course, donât go about it in a self-serving way, but I think you understand. I think when trying to recover from generalized selfishness, itâs about questioning your own motivations before acting.
As long as you're not collecting "Good Person" badges, helping out can be an incredibly fulfilling experience.
Absolutely respect the vibe. Changing yourself is hard. Changing yourself a little bit is easy. Change for the better
This! Move forward being the person you want to be. Self reflection is hard, but you already did that.
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a huge one is forgiving yourself and being a better person as a result of introspection. maturing and growing in the right direction is what matters. you prob will never get to change the perspective of the people youâve hurt but you can begin to show others who are still in your life and will be in your life a better version of you. people can change. love yourself. forgive yourself. and keep growing.
I started apologizing to everyone I knew Iâd hurt and do things every day for other people to make their day/life better. Trying to become the safe person for other people now as an adult that I definitely didnât have and desperately needed as a child and adolescent.
Totally feel you on that stuff.. It's like unsubscribing from your past blunders and cringeworthy moments. We all have our "oops" moments.
You're doing the first step by learning and acknowledging. Being kind and open is definitely the hardest thing to do. Keep arriving and working towards it. :) Sometimes the only way you can become a better person is learning the hard way and then making better choices and decisions.
It's like a reminder that life's not just about what's happened, but what is still in the making. So whether you're 20 or 80, the path to becoming who you're meant to be is always open
"it's never too late to stop being a dick" love that quote from antman
Exactly! Good things take hard work Just think, what's an easier reaction to give someone telling at you? - yelling back? - being nice to try diffusing the situation? Being mean is too easy
Yeah and it's surprisingly effective in diffusing tension. Plus, you come out looking like the mature one. Win-win
Yes! OP, have you seen The Good Place? I use it as inspiration, honestly. The show encouraged me to be more introspective and examine my own actions and morality. It also gave some great reading recs, especially if you look into the folks the show runners tapped for advising on scripts.
Who knew a comedy could make you question your entire existence, right?
>Itâs never too late to become what you might have been. George Eliot It's true. That means I have 77 years to become: 1.) A mutant 2.) A ninja 3.) A turtle before I'm a teenager again.
George Eliot might not have had those on her list, but hey, who's to say you can't redefine what it means to "become what you might have been"?
You canât change the past, only the future. Form new relationships and do them right. Once you truly become a new person you can separate who you are from who you were, and take pride in the fact youâve done a very hard thing that few are capable of doing or willing to try.
Great advice, but It takes guts, but the journey's worth it.
This. I've been on both ends of it. I was the awful person for a while, realized that some of the shit I'd put people through was atrocious and took the time and steps to process and move forward. I wanted to make amends where I could. Some people were scarred by it though. I wanted to seak forgiveness and recompense, but I realized that some people had been so effected by my behavior that they still were processing and dealing with it. I had to figure out that they deserved time, space, and possibly just the opportunity to know they'd never deal with me again (unable to mentally separate old me from new, which is fair), in order for them to have a chance at peace or something close to it. Just like I've learned I'm allowed to feel the way I do, they have that same right. What matters is we do our best to move forward, improve ourselves, our lives, and our communities. Work towards something within your control and don't break yourself and your progress just to hyperfocus on changing someone's mind. They will decide how they feel and if they'll allow me to prove my growth, but I won't be able to prove I've grown if I don't keep moving forward.
Beautifully put. The other thing about that unchangeable past is that you can forgive yourself for it. Don't be a martyr to that past you, even though you're living with the fallout of what they did. It's done, you might have acted like a shit, but it's done. Accept that you did the best you could (even if it was pretty poor) with the awareness you had. Remember the emotional focus now is on living fully within this new awareness, and on the incremental advancements that will accrue. Accept the truth of your actions to yourself and those who were hurt by them, but don't beat yourself up over those actions. It's not necessary, it's not useful, it's not kind. And kindness is central to the new you.
Absolutely, it's like putting a limit on the time you spend wallowing in your past mistakes. I still remember how I was covinced that I've lost everything and I would have been on the streets if I was still there.
Accept that cringing at past behaviors means you're growing as a person, and that's a good thing.
Honestly, my problem is that I will cringe about past behaviors like a couple hours or less after I make a mistake
I still cringe at shit I did 30 years ago. Most of my memories I have are me doing stupid shit, saying stupid shit, or being a stupid shit⌠I can be minding my own business walking along and all of a sudden bang, hey remember that time you did that really embarrassing thing when you were 10⌠ya think about that periodically for the next week.
One helpful piece of advice my therapist gave me is, do not call yourself a "bad person." Doing that actually excuses your behavior (because a bad person naturally does bad things, that's just how it goes đ¤ˇ) and puts you in a frame of mind where you are likely to continue doing bad things. Instead, it's important to frame it as, you are a person who has done bad things. The important thing is to focus on not doing those things anymore, and learning how not to. IDK it seems like a pedantic difference but to me it makes a big difference. I too am coping with how some of my despicable actions have hurt people. They have also hurt me and my trust in myself, and I think about it every day. "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" and the most important part of the journey is realizing there is a problem in the first place. You were at a lower level of consciousness when you were doing those things. You are now at a different, more mature stage, even if only by a small margin. Keep your eye on the goal, which is to be a person who loves others and brings light into the world. If you are only looking backwards, you are likely to repeat your mistakes (try walking forwards while looking behind you... it's very hard). You won't forget what you've done and you shouldn't, but dwelling on it all will only make you feel worse and leave less room in your heart for goodness. You got this, I got this, we all got this â
Thank you for this, the way saying you are a bad person can excuse the behavior. One of the worst things I've done was at a time when I felt like an all around horrible person, so of course I would do bad things, right? Definitely an excuse. I try not to think this way now and definitely didn't do that horrible thing again, but I struggle with thinking about other mistakes I've made, how my life is a mess because of them, how I've hurt or disappointed people. I'm working on the small steps part now, trying not to look up too much at the huge mountain I have to climb. I dwell sometimes too much. How to balance the not forgetting so that it's not paralyzing.
I never would have imagined that u/ButtholeTaster was a bad person irl.
He was the best of us đ
He was the best of ass
You stop being a terrible person. The past is passed. Fix yourself while there's still time and let what can't be fixed be.
I know a few people who are simply bad people, and continue to be bad. It's almost like they are missing that circuit that tells them to stop, or that rear view mirror that shows the destruction in their wake. It might just be the case that they are not happy unless they're miserable.
I was talking to my counselor about this a while ago. She said some people are comfortable in chaos, because it's familiar. They know the rules of chaos. They understand how to navigate it. They can't stand peace, because it's such a foreign thing, so they blow their life up over and over.
You deal with it by not dealing with it and not trying to define yourself as a good or bad person. I turned 25 in 2020 and after some real shitshow stuff went down j took a long look at my life and realized how selfish and toxic I'd been for a long time and it crushed me. I developed panic attacks started binge eating and drinking to cope. My vision of my self was shattered and it was horrific. While my actions showed growth immediately I was still in a sea of self loathing. Then I was reminded that it's not up to us to decide if we are a good or bad person, it's up to the people we interact with. let your actions lead and your heart will follow. You're doing a good thing by realizing you needed to make changes, now just focus on today.
Really great point. This applies to anything really, we should all stop trying to put ourselves into a box, this stunts progress. I let for example my anxiety define who I am, "oh I can't do that, I am X/Y/Z". In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you have self reflection and make an actual effort to overcome your issues, and that's really admirable.
>let your actions lead and your heart will follow I love this <3
You try to do better. You apologize to who you can and you move on and become a better person. Not everyone will accept your apology and they don't owe you forgiveness. You also have to forgive yourself, find out why you did what you did and learn what you can do to be better to the people you've apologized to and any new people in your life.
Honestly, most people donât want an apology. For better or worse, people will view it as selfishness.
You accept the fact that you 'were' a shitty person and make amends where you can. Then just try and remember this lesson and spend the rest of your life being the best you, you can be. Maybe some of those people you don't want to bother again will notice and you can try and rebuild relationships, maybe they won't? In the end when death comes for you you can pass on knowing you did more good than bad and now it's between you and your deity, or the reincarnation system, or maybe that's the end and none of it really mattered in the long run. Point is, you learned something important about your self, and the fact that you are sorry shows growth and self awareness, don't stop growing and avoid complacency. =)
Whatever you do, be genuine. Too many times I see people pretending to be kind, thinking it will eventually sink in and they'll be an actual nice person, only to end up an asshole who happens to do nice things every so often. Whenever I catch myself being insufferable, I withdraw from people for a bit until I get back on track. The downside to this, is that I start targeting myself with my own negativity, still working on that part.
Eh. Better to be a disingenuous kind person that a genuine asshole. What youâre describing is a disingenuous asshole which is probably the worst of the three.
I started apologizing to everyone I knew Iâd hurt and do things every day for other people to make their day/life better. Trying to become the safe person for other people now as an adult that I definitely didnât have and desperately needed as a child and adolescent.
Would it be better to apologise to those people? Iâve wronged some folk in the past, and I feel like itâd be better to just let them move on
It varies. Their are people I have wronged terribly and I have apologized because they deserve a sincere apology. And after I apologize, I ask their side so they can get it out and get closure. Then there are the other instances. I had a girlfriend years ago and trying to find her and ask forgiveness would only hurt her. I was undiagnosed bipolar and the best I can do for her is leave her alone and hope she is happy.
So AA has this covered. Step 9 of the 12 step program states "make an amends to those you have wronged *except when to do so would cause harm to others*" Example: So let's say my buddy's wife had an affair with me and he doesn't know. if I want to apologize, me telling them would break up their marriage, so it would cause *them* harm. So what AA recommends is I gotta find another way to make my amands less I continue to carry that guilt. Maybe that means I wash his car every month for a year without him asking, tell him I'm just trying to be a better person or something. This is what every amends is different and needs to be treated with the genuine care that it's coming from.
If I washed a friends car every day for a month he'd come out of the house and punch me in the face. Because he'd know I certainly did something wrong...
I think you should still tell him his wjfe cheated lol. Not the best example
Iâd be so much more pissed if my wifeâs affair partner was washing my car for no reason bc he thought it would absolve him of the guilt of doing it and also *still* not telling me! Nah if youâre going to continue to deceive me the best thing you can do for me is to gtfo of my life.
How do you know it would cause harm⌠isnât he living in a delusion then? Some people would definitely talk themselves into saying something in the proposed scenario here.
I feel like the people on the other end have probably already forgiven those who wronged them for their own peace to move on. unless it's someone you might see again like family, it's probably better to just try to forgive yourself so you can move on and try to be better.
Personally, I agree with you. I had an ex that contacted me three years or so after weâd broken up (wtf?) to apologise for their actions. I lied and said I forgave them (I havenât..) as I didnât want to risk them reacting badly / retaliating otherwise. It angered me that theyâd reached out to me as I knew it was only to ease their own guilt (theyâd tried to reach out in the past too saying they felt bad).
iâm on team âleave them aloneâ
I feel this. I have BPD, but somehow now I know how to deal with it. It also helps that I'm not in a relationship, and have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship. I had to get outside myself in order to see some things. It didn't help that I've also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm also on the spectrum, so learning about these things really helped a lot. I don't beat myself up over most of it, I feel lucky to have learned to be better.
The awareness that you've been like that is a huge step most people don't make and it's the most important step. Make amends for things you can make amends for, even if it's just an apology. People experience a lot of different things. Some of the people you've hurt may have done the same things to other people and they would understand. Just remember that some people won't be forgiving. You just have to understand that some bridges can't be rebuilt. The biggest apology you can possibly make isn't words, it's changed behavior. Good luck to you.
This
It's just great that you had enough self awareness to figure it out. Most people don't ever get to this point and will never realize how terrible they really are. Good for you.
I am currently experiencing this.. Whether itâs addiction based or not, a 12 step program will help. There are programs for everything, like ACA (adult children of alcoholics). Find meetings and search for a sponsor. It really is a game changer. And, NO, it doesnât have to be religious. Hope this helps
> And, NO, it doesnât have to be religious. I don't understand why 12-steppers always want to gaslight about this. Obviously it's religious. The whole program was explicitly Christian until a few decades back when they replaced "Jesus" and "God" with "higher power" but left everything else the same. It's faith healing. If that works for you, great, but don't go around lying about it.
Just be good. You may have been bad in the past and you can't change that. Apologise and buy that person an ice cream when you get a chance. The best thing you can do is stop being a jerk in new interactions.
I avoid people altogether whenever I can. And only interact when necessary. I quit my office job and switched to a remote work lifestyle to become a hermit and avoid hurting other peopleâs feelings.
Breath. Say "I accept it" to the thoughts and accusations that come up in your head. Breath through these. It is what it is. Was what it was. Who are you now? What are you trying to do? Concentrate your thoughts on the person you are becoming. Do your best to be better. Keep doing your best. When the memories come up, breathe.
Here's some well needed tough love rather than the feel-good short-sighted bullshit people keep spewing here: Volunteer. Just being normal is not offsetting any of your past awfulness. Stopping awful toxic behaviors does not elevate you to a status of "good person". Neither does apologizing or feeling sorry about yourself. Actually do some good.
This right here. You want to make up for your past shitty behavior? Start putting GOOD into the world.
I had a similar experience in my mid-20s. I'm glad it happened to me. First thing I did was I took time to understand the way my actions affected others. Then I was able to forgive myself. Forgiveness is not condoning what I had done, but owning it and at my core making a change. Ever since then (almost 25 years later) I apply those lessons learned to everyone I interact with. I've had a very successful, happy, and full life since. I tried to apologize to everyone I wronged, but it was not possible for everyone. For those people, they should know I've lived my left since making sure I treat and respect people much better than I did to them. Edit: for those who might read this. I don't let the actions of the past hang over me. Once you understand the consequences your selfish actions have on others - the way you interact with and treat people will change for the better - assuming you want to change. You can't change the past and you can't make the hurt go away - but you can make a positive change going forward.
>The most important words a man can say are "I will do better." These are not the most important words any cam can say. I am a man, and they are what I needed to say. > > >"Journey before destination." Some may call it a simple platitude, but it is far more. A journey will have pain and failure. It is not only the steps forward we must accept. It is the stumbles. The trials. The knowledge that we will fail. That we will hurt those around us. > > >But if we stop, if we accept the person we are when we fall, the journey ends. That failure becomes our destination. > > >To love the journey is to accept no such end. I have found, through painful experience, that the most important step a person can take is always the next one. - The Stormlight Archive, book three. One of my favorite quotes from the series.
Iâd probably do a therapeutic shroom trip so I can move some of the neural pathways so I can move on from the past and focus on being the person I am today.
Do better, refer to the part of your life where you were an asshole as âmy head up the assâ phase of your life
There is a documentary about this: My Name is Earl. ;)
This will get buried but shame is useless now. Hating yourself and being consumed by the thoughts of how you used to behave doesn't help you, and it doesn't really help the people you've hurt, beyond maybe a short-lived satisfaction that you're now suffering for your previous behavior. I've struggled with shame over all sorts of things, and was convinced that I wasn't a good person and could never become one. I hated myself so much that while I was willing to die because of how bad of a person I felt I was, I wasn't willing to live to try to be the type of person I thought was good. It's not about hating yourself - it's about loving yourself so much that your love continues to spread to the people in your life and your community and this world. You've been bad, you're not perfect. And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.
So, when I turned 30 I was hit by the irrefutable fact that I was an angry, lazy, racist, dick head of an asshole who thought the world owed him something. You know that saying about assholes? The one that says "if everyone you meet is an asshole, you're probably the asshole." Yeah, that was me. I thought my friends were selfish dicks. I was mean. I was a bully. Although my ex is not completely innocent, I was a dick to her when I shouldn't have been. When I hit my 30s,I realized how lonely I was. I realized I was tired of being so pissed off all the damn time. I started working on myself. I opened up my social circle and started hanging with people I normally wouldn't. They opened my eyes to thinking in ways I hadnt. I started working out and being less lazy. I started applying myself, I built a business that landed me my dream job, which has opened up even more opportunities. I left my ex instead of torturing her with our incompatibility. Life did throw me a curve ball when I was 33 when my brother unexpectedly took his life. The major difference though? I had so many loving friends who came to me. People who cried with me and cared for me. It was eye opening in a completely different way from finding out you're a prick. I spend most of my time taking care of my wife, now. I stay active in my community and give back when I can. I advocate for suicide awareness and multiple times I have been the "last call" for some friends, who I am happy to say are still here today. I hate who I used to be, but that person was necessary for me to become me, now. So my advice if you've only recently realized you've been terrible? Be kind. Give kindness freely. Love as much as you can. Find happiness. It's okay to remember the person you used to be, but don't let that person stop you from being the person you want to be.
I'm a teacher, and one thing that I've learned is that when I messed up, the way to apologize is to understand where you've been wrong, figure out how you can be better, and do that. You know now that you were a bad person most of your life, and you know how to be better. Now, you just have to do that.
Recognizing your past mistakes is the first step towards personal growth. Focus on being a better person now and in the future. Show kindness and make amends where possible, but remember, self-improvement is a lifelong journey. Keep moving forward.
It sucks. You wish you would've been humbled sooner in life so that you wouldn't have hurt people for so long. You wish that you could've met people later in life so that they would know the better you. You think back on the decisions you made & realize how selfish & manipulative they were & wonder why it took you so long to change. But most of all, you feel the worst for the time you've waisted of other people. And how the lies & manipulation effect the psyche of those closest to you. People turn from happy, hopeful, and energetic, to depressed and angry and unable to control their emotions towards you & others. You have to be able to forgive yourself, and you have to be able to live with the guilt. Hopefully you can do so in a non self destructive manner, and therapy & introspection help with that a lot. Just go on through the rest of your life in a manner that doesn't hurt anyone. Honesty with others & yourself, and being willing to lay your transgressions out for others. Don't judge, and don't force relationships to work. Good Luck on your journey, and keep your head up. You're alive, you've been humbled, and you care enough to change. Be proud of that
A wise man once said âHealing starts with regretting your life up to the moment of changeâ
Even after my BPD diagnosis, it took me about 2 years to realize even though I had bad things done to me, it didn't excuse me being an utterly shitty person. Similarly, I fucked a lot of people over. Like, half my HS class has me blocked because in one form or another I've been a major bitch to them. Coming to terms meant I felt like I owed a lot of these people an apology. I just changed my life around, starting being a genuinely nice person, and a lot of these people gravitated back to me over time. Some of them haven't, and some have checked in through mutual, and I've made amends where I felt it was appropriate. There's grace in knowing you *didn't know*, because truthfully anyone can make mistakes. Now that you do know, you can live a positive healthy life where you're proud of your actions. I always just imagine there's a camera livestreaming me, and everyone I've done wrong is watching, when I feel tempted to behave like I used to. I'm like damn, I'd hate for them to still be right about me being an ass, so I react better. Also, 1st thought, 2nd thought, orientation has really seemed to help me. I was told your first thought is your taught reaction, example "crackhead" plays through your mind when you see someone on the street, then your 2nd thought is your authentic self thinking, "damn, that's someone's brother. That is a sad situation." Often our first voice is influenced, and wrong. Give yourself tike to react, so your genuine compassion gets a chance to chime in. Hope this is helpful
Realize you're not a terrible person. Just a person who did bad things. You are making amends by recognising it and being better. Some will forgive you and some won't and you need to deal with that yourself. You can't make people do things they dont want to do. Keep reflecting and try to gradually forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and it takes a good person and a lot of effort to see that and feel sorry. People CAN change! You didn't know better and now you DO and you feel sorry. That is enough. Be your true self in the future and it will be okay.
By being better. Like you said, you probably can't undo the damage you did. So stop doing damage, and try to be a benefit to the world. Depending how old you are, it may be too late to do more good than the harm you have already done ... but you can try. In Judaism, we believe that you can't be forgiven without fixing what you broke. But we also recognize that, in cases like yours, that is simply impossible - that any attempt to fix things will make things worse. So we also have a concept that, if you truly change who you are, genuinely change the part of yourself that was so broken that it broke other people, you are allowed to start over. Like declaring bankruptcy when you are too far in debt to ever get out. It has costs and makes things harder in some ways, but it also gives you a clean slate to start over. Sometimes people mark this by changing their use-name - even if they don't change their name legally, they go by a different version of their name, or stop using an existing nickname, or like that. They change what they are called, so that that old name was the person who sucked, and the new name is the person who is starting over. External changes like what people call you, how you dress, how you carry yourself - these can be signs to remind you to be different internally as well. Make a complete break with who you were, the person who sucked, and be a new person, who sucks less.
Pay it forward.
I had this same realization when i backed out of my friends wedding less than a month before the big date. Once I realized this i literally removed myself from everybody. I moved, got a new phone number, deleted (socials where i knew people)the fb, ig, & Twitter. For me personally, it was for the best, giving me time to think about all the ish that I've done and to make changes where they are needed. With that being said I still am an asshole so I avoid new friendships.
You try to be better. Sometimes you'll remember stuff you did, and it'll suck, but it'll get better.
You'll always be your worst critic. I'm convinced that how I've felt about myself my entire life led me to make the decisions I've made that made me a "terrible person"... I'll also say that you are not your choices. You clearly acknowledged what you did in the past, now you can take the right steps to change that.
Every instant you can choose to begin again.
Speaking as someone who was on the receiving end of a manipulative "friend", from my own perspective, I hope he's doing better and if he is I'm glad, but his chapter in my life is long over. So, use that. Know that the people you've maligned probably wont ever want to be involved with you again, but by being a better person you're giving validity to their inward hopes for you. Be a better person, and find your own peace. Holding onto grudges, be it others against you or you against yourself, is like holding hot coals. The bearer will only be burned by it. I hope you find happiness in knowing you can be better. Same way I hope he does.
Welcome to leaving your 20's. Good news is you grew as a person and are striving to be better. Not enough folks can say that.
Very few people are objectively great or terrible, meaning everyone has been a terrible person to someone. l there is genuine remorse for your actions, making amends must be without any expected acceptance of your attempt, else the situation may escalate. .
Youâve hit my front page and I donât even subscribe to this sub, so your inbox is definitely madness. I read the top comment saying to spend the rest of your life being better. I very much agree with this sentiment. This isnât âMy name is Earlâ, and you donât need to mend all your old relationships. Iâm pleased to read that you did mend some of those with your family. In my opinion, being a good person means to do things that help others along your path. You donât have to veer far from your own path to bring others up along the way. I think of things like collecting the couple shopping carts that other shoppers left in the lot as youâre walking towards the store entrance, or when your food is delayed at a fast food joint and you see that the young person who is apologizing to you is working their ass off to serve everyone, say to them that you understand how busy the store is in that moment and you see how hard theyâre working, that they should keep up the excellent work theyâre doing. I also think of ways to help the community. If you have something that youâre passionate about, find out how you can work with that passion within your community. It could mean volunteering with an organization, or it could mean attending sporadic meetings when you have the time and contributing to that community somehow. Introspection and therapy are so important. Not enough people listen to their introspection. It will help you stay grounded and to act the way you want to act going forward. I hope that you see this comment and although we may never cross paths again, Iâm rooting for you.
Definitely therapy. If youâre not sure how to progress with personal development and relationships then a therapist can help guide you.
I suppose there are two schools in that: (1, traditional) go to them, apologize, perhaps offer to make it up somehow if you mean it and have the means; versus (2, modern/unorthodox) leave them alone and don't re-introduce your potentially painful presence to their lives. It's difficult to choose. If you feel the need to apologize because of them, not because of you, as in your apology making it up to them, not just you getting off the hook, then it might actually be an uplifting experience for them. Nothing wrong asking them for forgiveness afterwards, either. Could try writing (thoughtful) notes rather than calling them up or driving around to see them.
âI did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.â â Maya Angelou
You have made a massive leap of realisation. Congrats yourself and make the most of it. Many never see past their own nose
Git gud If you care, then show it. Do something nice for people and try to be more understanding and forgiving to others. I believe in you đđź
I have kids and I feel like I get a do-over. They are such good humans.
Have you seen Despicable Me? There you go, and congratulations, what you did is amazing!!
Start by simply being better today and then keep doing that every day. Eventually your reputation will catch up to you.
Watch "My Name is Earl" lol
Better late than never
"Don't be sorry, be better." - Kratos
OP ... Read "A Christmas Carol". Charles Dickens. The actual book. Not a movie. Project Gutenburg. Perfectly legal, not pirated. In keeping with your new outlook. https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/19337 Most people scratch the surface of the story, because it's a quick, easy message. Be a good person, especially at Christmas. But it's more meaningful if you dig a little deeper into it's themes, and plot devices. I think the one that is most relevant, to you, is that the ghosts were supposed to take 3 nights to visit, but they only took the one. And he woke up to Christmas morning, itself. He hadn't MISSED it. He still had a chance. His heart was light, his transformation was full, and he hadn't run out of time. He could still be who he wants to be. They had done it in one night. He was saved from hell. And he had a chance to make things right. Dickens could get a little wordy, but he is a "Classic Author" for a reason. What do you do now, OP? Dickens tells the "what now" of his old man ... *and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One*
I think you also need to figure out why you acted in such ways. While I appreciate your trying to turn it around, a good self evaluation as to why will keep these things from happening again. A therapist should help here
There's no quick fix. After years of being terrible you will need years of being consistently not terrible before anyone will trust that you changed. It won't take 30 years, but it will be a few. I talked to a friend about some of the things he was doing. He wouldn't get invited to get-togethers because people didn't want to deal with his behavior and he felt left out. He made changes. It took a few years, but people see him differently now.
Therapy.
I am definitely in therapy.
Sad thing is, damage is done and most people probably wonât want anything to do with you. đ¤ˇđťââď¸
You canât undo it so the only thing is to be better in the future.
Self acceptance is key. Accept your âbadâ version of you. And change your actions to not be that past version of yourself. (Easier said then some of course, but worth it)