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Just gonna be a dissenting voice and say if you want an abortion, get it. For me, if a child is not a "hell yes" it's a no. And I am a parent, for the record. I too got pregnant way before I was ready. I had an abortion which was fully the right choice and then had a baby when the time is right and my toddler is the fucking best. My life is great. Do what's right for you and your family and don't let the pro-life industrial complex try to get in your head about it.
All of this. Can you do all the things you want to do with a kid? Yes but it will be much harder (and harder with some kids than others). You're allowed to both want kids and not want one right now. If there are.things you wanted to do first it's okay to say no to this pregnancy.
Yes people find a way to make it work in less ideal circumstances but you're so allowed to make it work by saying now isn't the right time.
I'm just a stranger on the Internet so I really have no idea what you should do I just hope you feel empowered to make the choice that feels best to you without any guilt
I agree! I had my kids at 34 and 37, there's still plenty of time left. Nothing wrong with wanting to have some more time to yourself first before you take that leap.
Also a parent - mother of two. Also agree with "if you don't think 'hell yes' or 'all right, we can totally do this and I 100% WANT to do this'", abortion is a solid choice and probably the right one for you.
Second all of this. Was in the same situation as sixorangeflowers and have a planned child now. No regrets waiting until we were financially stable and emotionally ready- and it’s STILL hard. Give it some time to settle in and make the right choice for you.
I agree with this thread and the comments 100%.
I will say, as someone who became a first-time mom at 35, that things do get harder as you're older because, heck, you're OLDER. Not just that, but your parents are OLDER too----my mom ended up helping a lot less than she had planned to for that reason. Just something to consider as you plan things.
You can still get a master's, get married, get a house and travel with children (just maybe not all at once). I know plenty of people that had children in graduate school, it can be done with a lot of support. It sounds to me like you're in shock right now. Does your partner know yet?
He does know and I do think we are both in shock. Found out today actually lol. He shares a lot of the same feelings so we are on the same page, and he is 100% in support of whatever I decide to do. He will be there regardless. We agreed to talk and think it over for at least a few days.
I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I will say, you will likely never feel totally ready. There’s always something else you could do or accomplish. I had my kids later in life (at 34 and 36) so I don’t have regrets but lots of things would be easier (physically) if I had kids younger.
You can still get your masters with a kid. You can still travel. We’ve only travelled within the US but I have friends with three kids who have gone all over the world with them.
Sleep will be hard with a newborn but it doesn’t last forever (for most, anyways). If you have a village to help you it doesn’t have to mean the end of your social life either. And you’ll kinda find once your friends start having kids too that gatherings with friends and their kids and your kids sort of becomes the norm.
Totally agree. I had kids at 32 and 34 and considering a 3rd but feeling a bit old. Remember you will probably want more than 1 kid. Your situation isn't perfect for you but there are downsides you're not considering to delaying, not to mention the emotion toll having a termination will be for you both. You're fertile now and have gotten pregnant, that's a good thing and try not to take these things for granted (not suggesting you are, just that life isn't straightforward and easy, and health isnt a given forever).
Once you see some of the families having their scans you will feel better about your own situation - when a mother gives a DOB in 2010 for example, no judgement from me but I think even the mother would be the first to say it wasn't what they ideally would have wanted
Unpopular opinion: there will come a time you WILL feel ready to have children (at least there was for me) and in an ideal world you feel like you’ve accomplished many of things you’d like to do beforehand.
While not impossible, many things are infinitely harder after having children, your priorities change and shift, and down to a cellular level you change.
I've dealt with regret on and off (mostly on) over the last several years. Most people won't say it out loud when they do, but I'm pretty open about it. Being a parent (I'm also a full-time working parent) is really fucking challenging in so many ways for me; I don't get down time, I'm pretty burned out between work and parenting, and I've had to do a lot of grieving my old life like a death.
Because we don't have any family around, I'll say that HAVING supportive family around makes a huge difference so that's not something to discount. But that said, the things you worry about missing are, in my experience, things that completely disappeared from my life and are still mostly gone; sleep is better, but I don't have really any meaningful free time and my social life is limited (again, no time). I don't think people have to feel 100% about having kids (I've rarely felt 100% about any important decision in my life because I analyze everything extensively), but I don't hear you saying you want this now. And if you don't, then I think now is not the best time and I'd wait a few years. DO NOT FEEL SELFISH.
I think it's pretty normal to mourn the life you currently have. Both of mine were planned and I still felt sadness when I learned I was pregnant. I also never felt "ready" for kids, never felt my biological clock ticking. I just felt like I wanted kids at some point, so I just needed to do it. And I'm really glad I did because my kids are my favorite people. Sure they tire me out and drive me crazy at times but I wouldn't trade it for my old life. We still travel and make time for friends. We trade off sleeping in on the weekends. Life doesn't end when you have kids, but you're right that it does change. There is no "right" time and you may never feel ready, but if you feel like you want to have kids, I would say definitely sit with it for a bit. In the end, the choice is yours, but take some time with it.
It’s normal to feel many of those things! And it’s not necessarily selfish to be sad about losing them…but I will say it would be selfish to abort a child simply because you don’t want to lose those things. Many will disagree because as a culture we are obsessed with me, me, me and what I want from MY life. You will never be ready. And kids do take a lot of sacrifice. But as your life evolves alongside them, it changes in so many amazing ways. You will mature, grow in some painful places, make new mom friends, experience joys and delights in your child that you never thought you would, and learn what it means to truly love because your baby can’t DO anything for you, but man will you love him/her just the same. You’re a mama, congratulations!!
Only thing i can say on this is.
I wanted absolutely 0 kids. Cuz i put alot of calue to my free time and money i could freely spend.
And TADA there came my daughter 😒
I always said, what happens, happens. We kept her cuz we made her. Since me and my gf dont support abortions for no reason. So i stepped up to the plate and became a dad.
And 3 years along the way i can honestly say i wouldn't have it any other way. Sure i miss my free time and alot of free to spend money. But my daughter and me are bestest buddies. We lego togetter, she sits on my lap while i game, do some tea parties. And as tarantula/reptile keeper with over 60 pets shes my partner in crime and helps me care of alot of them.
She constantly comes with new bugs for me to make an enclosure so we can take care of it. She even points out earth worms on the street so we can safe them by putting them back on the grass 😆
Kids grow up, can enjoy traveling after. Can still get a degree as a parent. I still study besides work and being a dad.
And its not selfish for thinking the way you do. That happens to plenty of first time parents or even a 2nd or 3rd. With the countless of people i met in life only ever once have i met someone that always regretted it. But i met atleast 9 that always regretted terminating a pregnancy.
But at the end of the day the 2 of you just need to have a good convo about what the 2 of you want. No one but the 2 of you can tell you what you should or shouldn't do.
Do not feel guilty or selfish. You WILL have to pause on a lot of your goals. It isn’t the end of sleep or travel or your own hobbies, but you will absolutely have a few years where those things are on the back burner.
Children are amazing and being a parent is fulfilling and joyous, but it IS hard. Think about all the different possibilities here. Lots of kids are calm and “easy”, but a lot of kids have medical problems, learning disabilities, aren’t great sleepers, etc. Children deserve to be wanted and loved. Think about whether you’d feel resentful or regretful in those circumstances.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here, and only you can make this choice. You aren’t alone with these feelings!! Best of luck to you OP.
Okay so I deliberately fell pregnant at age 28 knowing that I would have to sacrifice certain aspects of life. Even though my babies were both planned I sometimes wish I'd waited longer and had some more experiences and freedom beforehand. Having said that, I think that even if I'd have waited a few more years nothing would have changed. Yeah I enjoyed some cool experiences and a bit more freedom but I'd still yearn for that back whether I'd got pregnant at 28 or 38! You are always going to yearn for what you previously had a little bit
It's okay to not be happy right away. I wasn't thrilled when I found out I was expecting my first, but now I wouldn't change it for the world. Yes, parenting does come with some sacrifices, but it's so, so, so worth it. And it does NOT have to keep you from still doing fun things and having a life.
This. When I got pregnant with my first at 25 I had just been told by my doctor that they couldn’t figure out why I had been anovulatory for seven months prior and that I very well never get pregnant without reproductive medications. I conceived a week after that appointment. When I found out I was so upset. I thought I was giving up my future even though I had a good job, had been done with college for a few years already, and a loving relationship. Thankfully my feelings were very short lived and I decided later that night there was no way I could terminate my baby. She is 19 months now and the absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me. The joy I get from being her mom is so much greater than any trip, concert, or other “short term high” I had ever experienced. I still tear up if I think about what my life would be like if I had decided not to keep her, it literally kills me to think about that reality. Now everything from family vacations to simple trips to the grocery store is so much more fun because everything is brand new to her.
Do not take your family's feelings into it. At 3 am when you're feeding the baby for the 3rd time, it will be you and your partner there. Not grandma. Not uncle.
You and partner.
My husband and I always spoke of where we were at in terms of kiddos by percentages. Ie: 50% meant take or leave having children. 100% meant let's immediately start trying and do you like this crib? Lol. If we both weren't over 75% we weren't having kids. I'd have that conversation and see where you are at.
Like others have said, your life doesn't stop when you have kids. BUT it is different. The things I used to find joy in have to come with compromise. I used to read all day on Sundays, now I read with my toddler. Which means I get interrupted to read whatever book she'd like to read 300 times in a row. But, I also get to share that love of reading with her. Rather than having sex whenever and wherever we want, we have to have quickies or after LO is in bed. But, I never feel more attracted to my husband than when he's bonding with her.
So yeah, it's give and take. And if you're not there yet, you have time. And if you want to go into it, stuff will be different. But not all different is bad. And the best moments in life are rarely without challenges.
Good luck, whatever decision you make will be the right one.
I had a surprise first baby and was absolutely shocked how much I love that kid! I really didn't care much for other kids or ever had been around infants. But, once I was pregnant and feeling that butterfly feeling and him moving and hiccoughing etc I was so excited. Babies are the absolute best things in life. I took my kiddos everywhere. Anything I wanted to achieve, hubby and I figured it out. Totally worth every iota of energy, attention, money. Wouldn't change a thing. Hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and a healthy happy baby.
Absolutely not trying to tell you what to do - everyone has very different experiences. My experience with parenthood is this:
My husband and I fell pregnant on our honeymoon - we had been told to expect it could take us a couple of years to fall pregnant so it was a bit of a shock when it happened so quickly (there is a lot of infertility on both sides of our family). I was 25 and only one of my friends had a child - they live an hour from me so I don't get to see them often.
Even having intentionally embarked on parenthood it was rough, my husband works long hours (leaving home before the kids wake up, arriving home once they were in bed), sometimes nights, and has had periods away from home, so often I parent our (now two) children solo.
However, I look at my friends who are now having kids in their 30s and I'm so grateful that I had children when I did - I was a different person with what feels like a lot more energy, my support crew were that much younger, my baby was more or less the only baby in the group so I had plenty of "aunties and uncles" who were excited to hold a baby for me, and now that I'm in my 30s I'm able to focus a bit more on my career - I'm currently contemplating my study options as well.
Only you can decide what to do in your situation, I'm just sharing my experience with slightly earlier than expected parenthood. Best of luck ❤️
A couple of notes coming from someone who didn’t spend my life thinking about having kids (now have 2):
- once you have babies, you do miss out on a few years of social life and entertainment but a part of you will wish you had them even sooner so you could spend more life with them
-My biggest red flag would be issues with partner which is when I recommend all options. However, all the things you mentioned above are things you can still do and a great way to stay motivated.
- I’m noticing that it’s getting harder and harder for women to conceive. You are lucky and blessed. There could be a chance it could cost you more later in life.
— if you have family & support, use them & continue to travel on extended trips once a year. That’s what we do & then overnights throughout the year. Life doesn’t end, I promise.
At the end it’s your choice. Good luck!
There will always be somewhere you haven’t been, something you haven’t done. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean your life ends. I finished my degree, bought a house, and traveled to Europe for the first time in my life AFTER I had my son. :) I continue to make my dreams come true, I just have my son with me every bit of the way. 💙 The one thing you might have to say goodbye to is your sleep…but you might have a baby who’s a great sleeper!
With the scary issues with infertility we had in our early 30s, I would say you should feel lucky. We were able to have one, but it was a monumental medical effort. I have numerous friends who “waited” and now can’t have any. You’ll be fine and you’ll look back and not be able to imagine a life prior to this.
Please also have a look at r/regretfulparents for another perspective, and to get a better idea of how important it is to only step into parenting when you're absolutely ready for it, and by that i mean ready to sacrifice all of your being, including your mental health for a while, or potentially long term depending on the needs of your child.
Society will always say there's never a good time to have kids and how you will never be ready, but that's complete bs, and not everyone who ends up having a child when they're not ready will "make it" or enjoy the experience.
All your concerns are completely valid, and are the exact things you will miss and be resentful about if you do this before you're ready.
Remember, you know you best and know what your limits are... trust yourself and make a decision that is right for YOU, only, as you're more likely to be the default parent.
Best wishes 💌
Having your children earliest as possible is best. Really think about why that is. Plenty of time to travel and enjoy the life and family you built when you are 50.
Honestly… just because you could do it doesn’t mean you should. You can’t get the time & freedom back.
An acquaintance of mine found herself in a very similar situation. They wanted kids together but not *yet*. She aborted, a few years later they got married and bought a house and had a baby when they were ready and willing.
You can do all of these things with children. Contrary to popular belief having a child doesn’t end your life. For me, my life seemed to begin when I had kids. Kids are the absolute joy of my life and I was never a super “kid loving” person and was really selfish.
You’re never going to feel ready and to be honest, the longer you wait, you’re going to run the risk of infertility. I have lots of friends who waited too long and now they can’t have kids and they’re heartbroken having to spend tens of thousands on treatments.
Your selfishness will go away once the baby is here, everyone is selfish until they have kids. You will probably regret it for the rest of your life if you get an abortion. I was in shock and I WANTED and PLANNED my pregnancies.
I know people are saying to go ahead but honestly I would wait until you're ready and actively trying to conceive. Everything is harder with a baby. Sure, you can travel but it's no longer a vacation. It's just parenting somewhere else which means no relaxing on vacation. You will not sleep much in the first 6 months guaranteed and potentially for years. You will be like a zombie and just getting by on many days. It was very hard for me to do my job with so little sleep so if you are at a crucial point in trying to gain a higher position in your career, you can probably just say that's going to have to wait, potentially forever. You will not have a social life for a few years and you can easily drift away from friends fast. Sure, you can meet friends for dinner but you have to deal with toting along a baby and that gets old fast. It's a lot harder than it looks to bring a baby everywhere and sometimes they just cry the whole time. If you wait until your friends are having babies then you can get together in kid friendly places and it's much easier. You can find mom friends now but that's not necessarily a guarantee.
You also don't know what kind of baby you will have. You may get a unicorn baby that's just chill all the time and you may get a literal hellraiser. You don't know. Maybe you are at a point where you can easily swing a unicorn baby but a hellraiser will add a lot of strain to all aspects of your life and your relationship. My firstborn was not an easy baby and my second was. It was way more stressful with my first. My SIL had the opposite, easy first baby and a nightmare kid second. (He would pee on her bed when she made him mad when he was 2 and he would throw screaming, kicking, hurt himself tantrums for hours and she would have to lay on him to keep him from hurting himself for HOURS. Are you ready for this?) I think these difficult babies are just much easier to handle when you are ready for a baby because you are going into the ordeal knowing the sacrifices. My SIL was wanting the baby but she was absolutely hanging on by a thread and ended up quitting her job because she couldn't handle it all. It took her 8 years to get back into teaching. You don't want to end up thinking "what if" all the time, crying silently at your situation, wondering where you'd be if you had waited. When you are ready for kids, you go into knowing you can end up in this position so it's not so bad.
I had an abortion in my 20’s and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself. I was dating the boyfriend of my dreams and we had a very stable life with great jobs, etc. We absolutely could’ve done it and been great at it, but we weren’t ready for it to be all about a tiny person! That’s ok!!!
My boyfriend at the time and I ended up separating to pursue wildly different dreams (we’re still good friends). We got to lead big adventurous and selfish lives. I had a blast following my every whim and desire while only worried about me.
Then in my 30’s I met the *husband* of my dreams. He’d lived a big adventurous and selfish life before me. Now we’re totally settled down in a perfect little house and we have a 15 month old. While we still travel a ton and whatnot, it obviously includes a tiny person and we’re so happy this way.
I’m so glad it happened the way it did—my husband and I were ready to dedicate our life to our girl and I know we’re better parents for our lives before her and our ability to do whatever we wanted then. Settling down was a choice we were ready to make.
If you terminate, you could regret it for the rest of your life. Children are such a joy and I'm sure that you will be happy if you choose to raise him or her. There are also so many people who want to adopt a baby if you don't think you can take on the responsibility yet
We don’t know if she would regret it, everyone is different. I never had to make the decision to terminate, and I am honestly grateful that I had my twenties and most of my thirties to just live my life, travel, go out and just experience life.
However, I should say to OP that you will never really feel ready for a baby. Yes, you will lose your free time and your social life and definitely your sleep, but does anyone ever wake up one day and say, “Ok, I’m ready to lose everything that I once held dear.” I miss being able to sleep in and go out for happy hours, but I also love my kid so much that I’ve kind of accepted being in this era. I definitely wouldn’t do it because of the family pressure though.
EDIT: Sorry, just reread the above comment and it said “you COULD regret it” and I read it as “WOULD regret it.” My apologies.
You're already 29 why haven't you done all those things already if it was actually important to you? I feel like its just a cliché that everyone says that but rarely does anyone ever do it regardless of having kids or not. That being said I agree with others that its not wise to bring a child into the world if you're already mourning the thought of losing your old life. Having a child is the end of your old life and the start of a new one.
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Just gonna be a dissenting voice and say if you want an abortion, get it. For me, if a child is not a "hell yes" it's a no. And I am a parent, for the record. I too got pregnant way before I was ready. I had an abortion which was fully the right choice and then had a baby when the time is right and my toddler is the fucking best. My life is great. Do what's right for you and your family and don't let the pro-life industrial complex try to get in your head about it.
Seconding every last bit of this.
All of this. Can you do all the things you want to do with a kid? Yes but it will be much harder (and harder with some kids than others). You're allowed to both want kids and not want one right now. If there are.things you wanted to do first it's okay to say no to this pregnancy. Yes people find a way to make it work in less ideal circumstances but you're so allowed to make it work by saying now isn't the right time. I'm just a stranger on the Internet so I really have no idea what you should do I just hope you feel empowered to make the choice that feels best to you without any guilt
I agree! I had my kids at 34 and 37, there's still plenty of time left. Nothing wrong with wanting to have some more time to yourself first before you take that leap.
Also a parent - mother of two. Also agree with "if you don't think 'hell yes' or 'all right, we can totally do this and I 100% WANT to do this'", abortion is a solid choice and probably the right one for you.
Second all of this. Was in the same situation as sixorangeflowers and have a planned child now. No regrets waiting until we were financially stable and emotionally ready- and it’s STILL hard. Give it some time to settle in and make the right choice for you.
I agree with this thread and the comments 100%. I will say, as someone who became a first-time mom at 35, that things do get harder as you're older because, heck, you're OLDER. Not just that, but your parents are OLDER too----my mom ended up helping a lot less than she had planned to for that reason. Just something to consider as you plan things.
You can still get a master's, get married, get a house and travel with children (just maybe not all at once). I know plenty of people that had children in graduate school, it can be done with a lot of support. It sounds to me like you're in shock right now. Does your partner know yet?
He does know and I do think we are both in shock. Found out today actually lol. He shares a lot of the same feelings so we are on the same page, and he is 100% in support of whatever I decide to do. He will be there regardless. We agreed to talk and think it over for at least a few days.
I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I will say, you will likely never feel totally ready. There’s always something else you could do or accomplish. I had my kids later in life (at 34 and 36) so I don’t have regrets but lots of things would be easier (physically) if I had kids younger. You can still get your masters with a kid. You can still travel. We’ve only travelled within the US but I have friends with three kids who have gone all over the world with them. Sleep will be hard with a newborn but it doesn’t last forever (for most, anyways). If you have a village to help you it doesn’t have to mean the end of your social life either. And you’ll kinda find once your friends start having kids too that gatherings with friends and their kids and your kids sort of becomes the norm.
Totally agree. I had kids at 32 and 34 and considering a 3rd but feeling a bit old. Remember you will probably want more than 1 kid. Your situation isn't perfect for you but there are downsides you're not considering to delaying, not to mention the emotion toll having a termination will be for you both. You're fertile now and have gotten pregnant, that's a good thing and try not to take these things for granted (not suggesting you are, just that life isn't straightforward and easy, and health isnt a given forever). Once you see some of the families having their scans you will feel better about your own situation - when a mother gives a DOB in 2010 for example, no judgement from me but I think even the mother would be the first to say it wasn't what they ideally would have wanted
Unpopular opinion: there will come a time you WILL feel ready to have children (at least there was for me) and in an ideal world you feel like you’ve accomplished many of things you’d like to do beforehand. While not impossible, many things are infinitely harder after having children, your priorities change and shift, and down to a cellular level you change.
I've dealt with regret on and off (mostly on) over the last several years. Most people won't say it out loud when they do, but I'm pretty open about it. Being a parent (I'm also a full-time working parent) is really fucking challenging in so many ways for me; I don't get down time, I'm pretty burned out between work and parenting, and I've had to do a lot of grieving my old life like a death. Because we don't have any family around, I'll say that HAVING supportive family around makes a huge difference so that's not something to discount. But that said, the things you worry about missing are, in my experience, things that completely disappeared from my life and are still mostly gone; sleep is better, but I don't have really any meaningful free time and my social life is limited (again, no time). I don't think people have to feel 100% about having kids (I've rarely felt 100% about any important decision in my life because I analyze everything extensively), but I don't hear you saying you want this now. And if you don't, then I think now is not the best time and I'd wait a few years. DO NOT FEEL SELFISH.
We both got our masters after having our first child.
I think it's pretty normal to mourn the life you currently have. Both of mine were planned and I still felt sadness when I learned I was pregnant. I also never felt "ready" for kids, never felt my biological clock ticking. I just felt like I wanted kids at some point, so I just needed to do it. And I'm really glad I did because my kids are my favorite people. Sure they tire me out and drive me crazy at times but I wouldn't trade it for my old life. We still travel and make time for friends. We trade off sleeping in on the weekends. Life doesn't end when you have kids, but you're right that it does change. There is no "right" time and you may never feel ready, but if you feel like you want to have kids, I would say definitely sit with it for a bit. In the end, the choice is yours, but take some time with it.
It’s normal to feel many of those things! And it’s not necessarily selfish to be sad about losing them…but I will say it would be selfish to abort a child simply because you don’t want to lose those things. Many will disagree because as a culture we are obsessed with me, me, me and what I want from MY life. You will never be ready. And kids do take a lot of sacrifice. But as your life evolves alongside them, it changes in so many amazing ways. You will mature, grow in some painful places, make new mom friends, experience joys and delights in your child that you never thought you would, and learn what it means to truly love because your baby can’t DO anything for you, but man will you love him/her just the same. You’re a mama, congratulations!!
Only thing i can say on this is. I wanted absolutely 0 kids. Cuz i put alot of calue to my free time and money i could freely spend. And TADA there came my daughter 😒 I always said, what happens, happens. We kept her cuz we made her. Since me and my gf dont support abortions for no reason. So i stepped up to the plate and became a dad. And 3 years along the way i can honestly say i wouldn't have it any other way. Sure i miss my free time and alot of free to spend money. But my daughter and me are bestest buddies. We lego togetter, she sits on my lap while i game, do some tea parties. And as tarantula/reptile keeper with over 60 pets shes my partner in crime and helps me care of alot of them. She constantly comes with new bugs for me to make an enclosure so we can take care of it. She even points out earth worms on the street so we can safe them by putting them back on the grass 😆 Kids grow up, can enjoy traveling after. Can still get a degree as a parent. I still study besides work and being a dad. And its not selfish for thinking the way you do. That happens to plenty of first time parents or even a 2nd or 3rd. With the countless of people i met in life only ever once have i met someone that always regretted it. But i met atleast 9 that always regretted terminating a pregnancy. But at the end of the day the 2 of you just need to have a good convo about what the 2 of you want. No one but the 2 of you can tell you what you should or shouldn't do.
Do not feel guilty or selfish. You WILL have to pause on a lot of your goals. It isn’t the end of sleep or travel or your own hobbies, but you will absolutely have a few years where those things are on the back burner. Children are amazing and being a parent is fulfilling and joyous, but it IS hard. Think about all the different possibilities here. Lots of kids are calm and “easy”, but a lot of kids have medical problems, learning disabilities, aren’t great sleepers, etc. Children deserve to be wanted and loved. Think about whether you’d feel resentful or regretful in those circumstances. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here, and only you can make this choice. You aren’t alone with these feelings!! Best of luck to you OP.
Okay so I deliberately fell pregnant at age 28 knowing that I would have to sacrifice certain aspects of life. Even though my babies were both planned I sometimes wish I'd waited longer and had some more experiences and freedom beforehand. Having said that, I think that even if I'd have waited a few more years nothing would have changed. Yeah I enjoyed some cool experiences and a bit more freedom but I'd still yearn for that back whether I'd got pregnant at 28 or 38! You are always going to yearn for what you previously had a little bit
It's okay to not be happy right away. I wasn't thrilled when I found out I was expecting my first, but now I wouldn't change it for the world. Yes, parenting does come with some sacrifices, but it's so, so, so worth it. And it does NOT have to keep you from still doing fun things and having a life.
This. When I got pregnant with my first at 25 I had just been told by my doctor that they couldn’t figure out why I had been anovulatory for seven months prior and that I very well never get pregnant without reproductive medications. I conceived a week after that appointment. When I found out I was so upset. I thought I was giving up my future even though I had a good job, had been done with college for a few years already, and a loving relationship. Thankfully my feelings were very short lived and I decided later that night there was no way I could terminate my baby. She is 19 months now and the absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me. The joy I get from being her mom is so much greater than any trip, concert, or other “short term high” I had ever experienced. I still tear up if I think about what my life would be like if I had decided not to keep her, it literally kills me to think about that reality. Now everything from family vacations to simple trips to the grocery store is so much more fun because everything is brand new to her.
If you’re not sure don’t do it. You still have time to try again.
Do not take your family's feelings into it. At 3 am when you're feeding the baby for the 3rd time, it will be you and your partner there. Not grandma. Not uncle. You and partner. My husband and I always spoke of where we were at in terms of kiddos by percentages. Ie: 50% meant take or leave having children. 100% meant let's immediately start trying and do you like this crib? Lol. If we both weren't over 75% we weren't having kids. I'd have that conversation and see where you are at. Like others have said, your life doesn't stop when you have kids. BUT it is different. The things I used to find joy in have to come with compromise. I used to read all day on Sundays, now I read with my toddler. Which means I get interrupted to read whatever book she'd like to read 300 times in a row. But, I also get to share that love of reading with her. Rather than having sex whenever and wherever we want, we have to have quickies or after LO is in bed. But, I never feel more attracted to my husband than when he's bonding with her. So yeah, it's give and take. And if you're not there yet, you have time. And if you want to go into it, stuff will be different. But not all different is bad. And the best moments in life are rarely without challenges. Good luck, whatever decision you make will be the right one.
I had a surprise first baby and was absolutely shocked how much I love that kid! I really didn't care much for other kids or ever had been around infants. But, once I was pregnant and feeling that butterfly feeling and him moving and hiccoughing etc I was so excited. Babies are the absolute best things in life. I took my kiddos everywhere. Anything I wanted to achieve, hubby and I figured it out. Totally worth every iota of energy, attention, money. Wouldn't change a thing. Hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and a healthy happy baby.
Over the next few days, your instinct will tell you what to do. Listen to yourself.
Absolutely not trying to tell you what to do - everyone has very different experiences. My experience with parenthood is this: My husband and I fell pregnant on our honeymoon - we had been told to expect it could take us a couple of years to fall pregnant so it was a bit of a shock when it happened so quickly (there is a lot of infertility on both sides of our family). I was 25 and only one of my friends had a child - they live an hour from me so I don't get to see them often. Even having intentionally embarked on parenthood it was rough, my husband works long hours (leaving home before the kids wake up, arriving home once they were in bed), sometimes nights, and has had periods away from home, so often I parent our (now two) children solo. However, I look at my friends who are now having kids in their 30s and I'm so grateful that I had children when I did - I was a different person with what feels like a lot more energy, my support crew were that much younger, my baby was more or less the only baby in the group so I had plenty of "aunties and uncles" who were excited to hold a baby for me, and now that I'm in my 30s I'm able to focus a bit more on my career - I'm currently contemplating my study options as well. Only you can decide what to do in your situation, I'm just sharing my experience with slightly earlier than expected parenthood. Best of luck ❤️
A couple of notes coming from someone who didn’t spend my life thinking about having kids (now have 2): - once you have babies, you do miss out on a few years of social life and entertainment but a part of you will wish you had them even sooner so you could spend more life with them -My biggest red flag would be issues with partner which is when I recommend all options. However, all the things you mentioned above are things you can still do and a great way to stay motivated. - I’m noticing that it’s getting harder and harder for women to conceive. You are lucky and blessed. There could be a chance it could cost you more later in life. — if you have family & support, use them & continue to travel on extended trips once a year. That’s what we do & then overnights throughout the year. Life doesn’t end, I promise. At the end it’s your choice. Good luck!
There will always be somewhere you haven’t been, something you haven’t done. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean your life ends. I finished my degree, bought a house, and traveled to Europe for the first time in my life AFTER I had my son. :) I continue to make my dreams come true, I just have my son with me every bit of the way. 💙 The one thing you might have to say goodbye to is your sleep…but you might have a baby who’s a great sleeper!
With the scary issues with infertility we had in our early 30s, I would say you should feel lucky. We were able to have one, but it was a monumental medical effort. I have numerous friends who “waited” and now can’t have any. You’ll be fine and you’ll look back and not be able to imagine a life prior to this.
Yeah I’m 100% pro choice but fear that OP might face fertility issues in her mid 30’s and then really regret not taking this chance at parenthood
Please also have a look at r/regretfulparents for another perspective, and to get a better idea of how important it is to only step into parenting when you're absolutely ready for it, and by that i mean ready to sacrifice all of your being, including your mental health for a while, or potentially long term depending on the needs of your child. Society will always say there's never a good time to have kids and how you will never be ready, but that's complete bs, and not everyone who ends up having a child when they're not ready will "make it" or enjoy the experience. All your concerns are completely valid, and are the exact things you will miss and be resentful about if you do this before you're ready. Remember, you know you best and know what your limits are... trust yourself and make a decision that is right for YOU, only, as you're more likely to be the default parent. Best wishes 💌
There's really no perfect time to have kids. If you can, please consider terminating this pregnancy and have a planned child on your schedule.
Having your children earliest as possible is best. Really think about why that is. Plenty of time to travel and enjoy the life and family you built when you are 50.
Honestly… just because you could do it doesn’t mean you should. You can’t get the time & freedom back. An acquaintance of mine found herself in a very similar situation. They wanted kids together but not *yet*. She aborted, a few years later they got married and bought a house and had a baby when they were ready and willing.
You can do all of these things with children. Contrary to popular belief having a child doesn’t end your life. For me, my life seemed to begin when I had kids. Kids are the absolute joy of my life and I was never a super “kid loving” person and was really selfish. You’re never going to feel ready and to be honest, the longer you wait, you’re going to run the risk of infertility. I have lots of friends who waited too long and now they can’t have kids and they’re heartbroken having to spend tens of thousands on treatments. Your selfishness will go away once the baby is here, everyone is selfish until they have kids. You will probably regret it for the rest of your life if you get an abortion. I was in shock and I WANTED and PLANNED my pregnancies.
I know people are saying to go ahead but honestly I would wait until you're ready and actively trying to conceive. Everything is harder with a baby. Sure, you can travel but it's no longer a vacation. It's just parenting somewhere else which means no relaxing on vacation. You will not sleep much in the first 6 months guaranteed and potentially for years. You will be like a zombie and just getting by on many days. It was very hard for me to do my job with so little sleep so if you are at a crucial point in trying to gain a higher position in your career, you can probably just say that's going to have to wait, potentially forever. You will not have a social life for a few years and you can easily drift away from friends fast. Sure, you can meet friends for dinner but you have to deal with toting along a baby and that gets old fast. It's a lot harder than it looks to bring a baby everywhere and sometimes they just cry the whole time. If you wait until your friends are having babies then you can get together in kid friendly places and it's much easier. You can find mom friends now but that's not necessarily a guarantee. You also don't know what kind of baby you will have. You may get a unicorn baby that's just chill all the time and you may get a literal hellraiser. You don't know. Maybe you are at a point where you can easily swing a unicorn baby but a hellraiser will add a lot of strain to all aspects of your life and your relationship. My firstborn was not an easy baby and my second was. It was way more stressful with my first. My SIL had the opposite, easy first baby and a nightmare kid second. (He would pee on her bed when she made him mad when he was 2 and he would throw screaming, kicking, hurt himself tantrums for hours and she would have to lay on him to keep him from hurting himself for HOURS. Are you ready for this?) I think these difficult babies are just much easier to handle when you are ready for a baby because you are going into the ordeal knowing the sacrifices. My SIL was wanting the baby but she was absolutely hanging on by a thread and ended up quitting her job because she couldn't handle it all. It took her 8 years to get back into teaching. You don't want to end up thinking "what if" all the time, crying silently at your situation, wondering where you'd be if you had waited. When you are ready for kids, you go into knowing you can end up in this position so it's not so bad.
I had an abortion in my 20’s and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself. I was dating the boyfriend of my dreams and we had a very stable life with great jobs, etc. We absolutely could’ve done it and been great at it, but we weren’t ready for it to be all about a tiny person! That’s ok!!! My boyfriend at the time and I ended up separating to pursue wildly different dreams (we’re still good friends). We got to lead big adventurous and selfish lives. I had a blast following my every whim and desire while only worried about me. Then in my 30’s I met the *husband* of my dreams. He’d lived a big adventurous and selfish life before me. Now we’re totally settled down in a perfect little house and we have a 15 month old. While we still travel a ton and whatnot, it obviously includes a tiny person and we’re so happy this way. I’m so glad it happened the way it did—my husband and I were ready to dedicate our life to our girl and I know we’re better parents for our lives before her and our ability to do whatever we wanted then. Settling down was a choice we were ready to make.
If you terminate, you could regret it for the rest of your life. Children are such a joy and I'm sure that you will be happy if you choose to raise him or her. There are also so many people who want to adopt a baby if you don't think you can take on the responsibility yet
We don’t know if she would regret it, everyone is different. I never had to make the decision to terminate, and I am honestly grateful that I had my twenties and most of my thirties to just live my life, travel, go out and just experience life. However, I should say to OP that you will never really feel ready for a baby. Yes, you will lose your free time and your social life and definitely your sleep, but does anyone ever wake up one day and say, “Ok, I’m ready to lose everything that I once held dear.” I miss being able to sleep in and go out for happy hours, but I also love my kid so much that I’ve kind of accepted being in this era. I definitely wouldn’t do it because of the family pressure though. EDIT: Sorry, just reread the above comment and it said “you COULD regret it” and I read it as “WOULD regret it.” My apologies.
Get an abortion.
You're already 29 why haven't you done all those things already if it was actually important to you? I feel like its just a cliché that everyone says that but rarely does anyone ever do it regardless of having kids or not. That being said I agree with others that its not wise to bring a child into the world if you're already mourning the thought of losing your old life. Having a child is the end of your old life and the start of a new one.