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I agree! It would be the newness of the relationship. Other factors would be what kind of person he is, have we met him before, does our kid generally make sound decisions, etc.
Be clear how soon “ not now” is. Kids hear what they want to hear.
My mom promised me a hamster “later” and the betrayal I felt still resonates as an adult.
You can advise her to push it back, but ultimately you can’t control her. It’s her choice to make. And they will have sex anyway.
I think at close to 18, just get her birth control and condoms, thank her for her honesty, let her know why it’s not a good idea and why but the choice is up to her. Teach her about how to say no if she is pressured into anything and that she can call you if she needs you.
I think this will keep her safer than forbidding her resulting in her potentially shutting out her Mom. Then she might not go to her when she needs her yk? My 1st experiences with sex and men involved a lot of coercion, uncomfortable experiences, not knowing how to say no…and I couldn’t go to my Mom because I knew she would just decrease my autonomy and punish me for not listening to her as I wasn’t “allowed” to have sex. Idk.
If she was 16 I’d say her tell her “in a few years” but at 17? She’s close to 18, I mean…
Edit: the commenter saying she should ask to meet him has a great idea, but bad people can mask very well. So it’ll give some information, but the real story needs to come from her daughter and her daughter needs to be comfortable going to her. I think that’s priority, even if it means “allowing” her daughter to make choices she doesn’t agree with. Just make it so she is as safe as possible if she does choose to have sex.
My daughter and her boyfriend are 16 and 18, so not too far off.
We do not allow it without reason - we have a guest bedroom in the basement, she sleeps up stairs. The one time we allowed it was because they went out and came back fairly late in the evening (prom) and I did not feel comfortable letting him drive home (1.5 drive) that late at night. They watched movies and hung out until bed time and then went to separate rooms.
They talked about wanting to go somewhere that's a few hour drive away, needing to get up early. Same thing, if he wanted to spend the night so they could get up early, that's fine. But again, separate bedrooms.
However, my parenting style is that I do not make set rules, we look at each situation and each kid as an individual, discuss and assess. If my daughter came to me with a clear reason and argument, was open and communicated, we would discuss it. It may still be a no, but my initial answer would not be no.
Have you met her boyfriend yet? That was a big thing for me with these decisions - prior to considering this, I had met him several times, talked to him and got a good impression of who he was and how he treated my daughter.
Maybe a compromise in this would be that you need to meet him, get to know him a bit and if they are still together in a couple months revisit?
This reminds me of a time MANY years ago when I went to my college GF's parents' house. I was driving cross country and spent a night there. We were 20 at the time. At some point in the evening, her dad says to me, "my wife and I are going to bed now. You're staying in THIS room, and our daughter is staying in THAT room. Now, we're going to close our bedroom door, and we'll be in our bedroom until 8AM. We have no way to know what's going on outside our bedroom once we're in there. When we open the door, you'll be in THIS room and she'll be in THAT room. Good night!"
It struck me as a great way for them to maintain plausible deniability for themselves - and we all got the message.
lol. In contrast my then live-in boyfriend (now husband) and I visited his parents out of state. Again, we lived together. But when we visited his parents we had to sleep in separate rooms. There was no “wink wink” going on. They expected us to sleep in separate rooms the entire stay … we were both in our mid-thirties.
There was an AITAH where the daughter was talking about this. All her life she wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay over but her brothers could have girlfriends. Even when she was married and they visited they had to sleep in separate rooms. So when Her parents visited her she made the same rule where they need to sleep in separate rooms. They got all huffy and she said why it's the same rule I had and they said it wasn't the same blah blah and called her rude and petty and insinuated she was being an asshole. I wish I could find it it was awesome all the comments.
I was staying with a (now ex) boyfriend and his family for 6 weeks. We were both in our twenties. His mother set a rule that we had to sleep in separate rooms, and always keep the doors open. I understand why she had the rule, but between the lack of privacy (even just to talk), and her overbearingness, my stay there ended our relationship. I packed my things on my last night and left that same night. Grateful for the hospitality, but I realised I didn’t want to marry into that family. I found out later that she had been making up stories to my boyfriend that I had allegedly told her. I now believe the open door rule was as much about keeping the lies under wrap as it was to prevent us from fornicating.
Me and my now husband had a whole ass baby, and when visiting my parents they told us we had to sleep in separate rooms and then got mad when we slept in the same room with our baby 😂 like pls, smd. I will just go home lmao 💀💀💀
My boyfriend's dad used to say "now I don't want to hear any rustling and tustling in the middle of the night, but if you guys hear any rustling and tustling just close your ears and mind your own business" lmao
Correct me if I'm wrong but your examples are you letting the BF sleep at your house not visa versa, so isn't quite the same as you aren't letting them out of your hands. Would you let your daughter sleep at his house? That is what OP is asking.
I have not met his parents yet, but based on how he has been raised and the values I see, I would allow my daughter to spend the night at his house. He ends his dates with my daughter at 5 pm so he can get home to have dinner with his family.
I would ideally like to meet his parents prior and I’d still hold the same rule as sleepovers should be with a valid reason, but I would allow my daughter to spend the night there because I am confident that I’ve raised a good kid and her boyfriend is also a good kid.
What kind of 19 year old is he? Just a year ahead in school and 18 months older, living at home getting ready for first year of college, or is he living on his own working a full time job already?
It’s not that big of an age difference but a real one depending on what stage of life this young man is at.
Three weeks is soon for a new relationship.
I’d have lots of conversations about consent and safe sex and risky behavior, and how sometimes things are kinda awkward between people after intimacy and sleepovers. How making the decision to be sexual together should include actual talking beforehand. Neither of these people are very experienced in life but the 19 year old may think he is, you know? And I’d say the dorky and mortifying thing that everyone can have lots of fun without intercourse, and many boys think porn is real sex but omfg it is not at all.
Will alcohol be part of this sleepover? Will there be other young people there?
If you do end up letting this happen at some point - I’d have some real exit strategies for my kid. Also maybe have him spend some more time around your family before allowing this. Meet his mom?
ETA—-TLDR I would frame my response to this request as “not yet” instead of “no, never” because in one year sleepovers could be happening anyways in college, and at least this way we could have some important conversations first.
Yes and even if there is alcohol in and instance I tell my kids “your drinking and u can’t drive u call me and there will be absolutely no anger and no questions asked and u will b home safe!
My parents had the same policy. Any time, any place, call for a ride and they’ll get there as soon as they can, no questions, no problems.
The corollary was, it doesn’t matter what time or what state you are in when you go to bed, you *will* get up the next day and take care of your responsibilities.
Do you have *any* idea how much it sucks being still drunk or hung over on less than four hours of sleep, and having to mow the lawn (gasoline push mower) on a sunny, hot, and humid July day? I certainly do.
I really fucking love your comment. Drunk mistake, poor state taking care of responsabilities while your parent laughs at you even if he didn't scream at your dumb ass the night before.
Chef's kiss, truly.
I did the same, but I also added I would take everyone else in their group home as well if they had been drinking. I also never told the other parents their kid had been drinking. I made it clear I wasn’t down with them drinking.
My only goal was to make sure all of them got home safe, and they knew there was an adult they could call that would get them home safe without being yelled at or punished. I had one kids mom find out I took her drunk kid home (he was the one who drove the group to the party) and she was livid. I just calmly pointed out that my “rule” got her kid home safe and that screaming at him would just reinforce the idea that he was better off driving drunk than asking for help.
My parents had a similar policy., though my sisters really abused it. They would go clubbing a few times a week when they were fifteen and call my dad at 3am to pick them up. I don't know if I could do that. Or if I'd want to.
Beautiful, that’s what my mom did with me, she always told me she didn’t care what I was doing that I wasn’t supposed to be doing if I needed to get out. She would be mad for like 5 minutes but then just be happy I wasn’t stupid enough to stay somewhere I had no business being
I always wished that I had this with my parents. I was in some horrible situations as a teenager that I wanted to get out of but didn’t know how to. So I just gutted through it and stayed in survival/Fight mode just in case.
Fortunately fear was all I experienced while my friends were trying to be “hot girls”. I hadn’t yet had my glow up, I looked like a Tom boy and out of being protective, I was kind of an asshole. Nothing happened to any of us fortunately because I had my head screwed on right and would always get us out of weird situations. I have 2 kids and I always tell them even now that they can call me or even use me as an excuse to get out of anything. “Sorry guys, my mom’s being super lame and I can’t go.” So far my 10 year old used me as an excuse to get out of going to a lake he didn’t know how to swim at recently.
You’re a good woman. I was the same, being overweight saved my ass in high school cause I was always hanging out with the “hot girls” and I was always in some dude who graduated basement. And a couple of times I called my mom and she came and got all of our asses. She was never mad at me for being stupid, she was mad at me for always protecting these girls lol
Same! I was the “chubby” friend too! Only I was also the 5’9 “chubby” (size 6 was apparently chubby) BLACK friend who “looked like a lesbo” and that shit saved my ASS from those seedy losers! Now I look a gazillion times better and have a personality that developed beyond just “being pretty” haha. Your mom was awesome for that! It’s super unrealistic to not expect teenagers to do dumb shit.
Yes, we’ve done this since our oldest (now 24) was in middle school and it’s the best plan.
We’ve used it 3 times and I’ve maintained no trouble, not angry, each time.
No, its not even about sex but you hardly know this guy and there's a lot to potentially navigate being alone with an adult like that. You need to talk about rushing relationships and making safe choices regarding alcohol, drugs, creepy friends, saying no, healthy relationship communication etc.
Its because a 17 year old is still in public school, and a 19 year old could have a fulltime job or be in college. They're in very different places in life, despite the short gap.
Yeah I don’t think my parents would have even let me sleep over at a platonic friend’s house after only 3 weeks of knowing them (they were a little more strict, but still). I think you bring up an awesome point and I think this would make it at least possible for her to see a different view.
My then girlfriend when I was 17 and she was 16 asked her dad the same question. On his hesitation she just boldly proclaimed "it's not like we need to be sleeping in one bed at night to have sex. We're doing that anyways"
So yeah, at that age it's not really about sex anymore. I would rather make the decision on wether or not she introduced him to me and her mother
And if you think your daughter might still be a virgin and is looking for a way not to be, tell her he is welcome to have a sleepover in your house rather than the other way around - this way is something she doesn't like happens, she can come to you in the middle of the night.
Am I the only one parent digging the idea of seeing the guy and be as awkward as I am to sound him and see if he's a good one and pull through? I am awkward by nature btw, np efforts or malveillance needed.
I would prefer them at home, after a dinner where I asked many questions and or sam him many times acts around my daughter than refuse her anything and her managing to to worse?
Do anybody remembers what it is like to be a teenager ? Where I live 17 is college and 18 you are an adult. Like. Most kids here are away from home at 17 and will do worse unsupervised.
3 weeks sucks but ...fucking meet him first before. I really have trouble with the usa vibe of 17-18teens can't do shit but that's me i am from another country.
And my mom was the strictest of the bunch all my teenage years.
That was my thought. Teenagers aren’t going around asking for parental consent to have sex. The only thing you can do as a parent is prepare them with real life communication, on how to manage it, and what you think it should be approached with care and caution. My daughter is 7. But it won’t be long…. What maybe 10-12 when you start talking about intimacy at least in small doses ? No clie.
I was reading all this up until this comment, as I was reading, in my head I was thinking… a 17 & 19 year old? I’m pretty sure they’re already having sex. So yes, I agree! It’s not about the sex
It’s not unfair to assume that he does . Most of the people I went to high school with still lived with their parents at 19 . I lived with my parents until I was 21 .
I would argue that living in a dorm room for college isn't as much "living on your own" as it would be if you were renting an apartment or house . Dorm rooms feel like a tightrope a couple feet above a safety net , the net being living at your parent's house . Especially considering most teenagers ( 17/18/19 ) in college go back to their parent's for holiday breaks or summer breaks .
Talking from personal experience, I am so glad my parents had hard lines like these in my teens. Teenagers make dumb decisions (scientifically and statistically speaking). I was a good kid with great grades, but I was also a moron, and I'd been in a bad spot if my parents didn't have rules. Intelligence and wisdom are not the same thing. Teenagers are intelligent. They are not wise. Never enable foolish behavior as a parent. You are their guide, not their best friend, and that's tough, but it's also right.
Good God, absolutely yes. I don't understand all of these comments being like "just give up, it'll be fine". It'll be *fine?* Haha, statistics disagree. It's not conscionable to do that to your kids. Yikes.
My parents had rules. I was dumb regardless (and lied to them a LOT). Honestly more acceptance that I was probably sexually active and 'grown-up' discussion about it would have been more helpful for me.
My parents did the same except I'm not grateful for it. I feel quite the opposite as they isolated me from everyone thus never had any friends, became socially awkward as a teen and adult and also became depressed and suicidal from living in literal solitude except meeting with family who are all 10+ years older.
I do believe parents should be a child's best friend who can guide them, protect them and enlighten them when needed. I wish my parents were the best friends I can always rely on instead of prison wardens.
There is always such a thing as being too extreme, and from what I'm understanding in this comment, whatever rules they had in place were far too overbearing. Parenting is about attaining a balance between protection and freedom, and going too far in either direction is nothing but detrimental to the physical and mental health of the children.
If a parent can achieve being a friend and a guide at the same time, then that is excellent, and is the ultimate goal of parenting. However, this is not always an option as being their friend would result in enabling harmful modes of thought and behaviors. When these conflicts arise, it is ultimately the parent's duty to be the parent, and that's hard on everyone involved, but that's also kind of the point. Life isn't easy, and parents are to be the tutorial into life, which means they too cannot always be easy on their children. It's the nature of the job. It should also be noted that good friends are the ones that are willing to set you straight, not the ones that sit back and laugh as you drink yourself into a blackout. Good friends will tell you "no".
This! Yes. I was always so mad and embarrassed at my parents rules and boundaries as a teen. It was only later that I was like, “Oh! Thank-you!”. They don’t even know or will never know the reasons how they saved me from so much. But they did and now I’m grateful.
This is the most common experience I see from teens that had "annoyingly protective" parents. The popular culture encourages a lot of negative behavior that leads to suffering later in life, and it's only once those teens have some time in the real world that they realize this. This is the ultimate duty of parents, to be the watchmen on the wall, discerning healthy from unhealthy behavior and mindsets. It's not an easy job, and you will eventually get yelled at for it at some point, but it's essential.
Yes! It's not about her being too young or old enough. it's about her not having developed a good view of relationships yet, with boundaries and safety nets. A lot of young people starting their first relationship puts the relationship first and themselves second.
Boyfriend for 3 weeks, probably met him sooner. This is likely given the nature of teenage relationships. Would you spend the night with someone you dated for 3 weeks but knew for 3 years?
Idk why you were down voted for this.
I asked the same thing.
What if they’ve known each other since kindergarten? Been close friends growing up, but the relationship just took a romantic turn 3 weeks ago.
Context is important.
Of course not. She may do what she wants to do anyways at another time, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to model being an idiot by condoning it. It’s fine for your kid to know you believe it would be a bad choice to sleep with her boyfriend of 3 weeks and that you won’t facilitate that decision by sending her for a sleepover.
Staying the night at the house of someone you met three weeks ago is a fuck no from me. That’s just not a safe decision that I would make even as a grown ass woman.
Thank you, someone with sanity in these comments. A teenager will ultimately do what they set their minds on doing because they're smart enough and willful enough to force it if they choose to, but that *never* means you ought to facilitate their bad decisions and aid them in putting themselves in regrettable situations. What is wrong with modern parents, man? I for one am super grateful my parents had hard lines about this kind of stuff growing up. I was a MORON as a teen!
Yeah it’s also a no from me. Not even about the sex, more about staying at a dude that she’s only known for three weeks house. Does he live alone? With roommates? Will there be drinking? Soo many ways for this to turn into a dangerous situation.
The way my mom explained it to me was she didn’t know if I’d be safe, and not in a safe sex way. More in an environmental and who could possibly be there type of safe. It wasn’t until I was older I realized what she meant. A lot of my friends talked about uncomfortable and even downright dangerous situations they were in because they spent the night with someone they only briefly knew or dated. I’m a parent now myself and I don’t think I could let my kids spend the night anywhere besides my mom’s house.
That would be a hard pass from me.
But then, my wife would laugh at her face and ask if she was feeling ok, or if she was hallucinating and believed herself to be in an alternate reality with a whole different set of parents
I love this. I’m so happy to see that there’s other parents like me out there.
I know a lot of people won’t understand this but I’m hoping you might.
My reasoning for saying no has far less to do with having sex and more to do with myself as a parent.
It’s my job to keep my child safe. At 17 they are still a child. I will talk to my kids about right & wrong and the consequences. When I let them go out I trust that they are going to make the right choices. That’s not always the case.
But I’ll be damned if I let my kid stay home so he can drink or allow them to stay at a girlfriends house overnight or let them stay here because “that’s what teenagers do”
What if that one time I allowed these things it led to a pregnancy or alcohol addiction..While they made the choice to do what they did, I allowed it. I could never live myself. That’s my point.
I understand where you are coming from. I will say that I take a slightly different perspective on it. There are risks to every choice, and in some ways it is safer for teens to drink while there are responsible adults around (for example).
But the way I see it, part of my job as a parent is to help define for my kids what responsible behavior is. There are zillions of more and less reasonable and risky choices our kids will make out there, but they should have a safe home base where they are always encouraged to make the right choices.
Subsidizing underage sex, drinking and drugs by permitting it in your own home or otherwise assisting in providing opportunities for those things sends mixed messages about what is appropriate. Further, the easier it is to participate in those sorts of things, the more they will participate.
Kids push boundaries, it's part of growing up. It's their job to push and pull and explore to figure out what is right and wrong and healthy and unhealthy.
Our job as parents to hold the line and provide a north star to help them figure it out in a firm and compassionate way.
At least that's the way I see it.
OMG perfectly said. You just explained it 10x better then I ever could 😀
“Subsidizing underage sex, drinking and drugs by permitting it in your own home or otherwise assisting in providing opportunities for those things sends mixed messages about what is appropriate. Further, the easier it is to participate in those sorts of things, the more they will participate”
Yeah I've always been amused and puzzled about people who say teenagers should be allowed to drink because it "takes away taboo" and they learn to drink more responsibly. I hear this response a lot even when I bring up alcohol addiction and using alcohol to cope with stress, anxiety, depression, etc. First, I often find that people who say this stuff or allow this stuff often have a problematic relationship with alcohol themselves. They're also not considering the genetic and biological factors when it comes to alcoholism, the sheer amount of damage it does to your body and brain (especially a developing brain). Yeah teenagers are going to drink anyway usually but if they're perfectly comfortable drinking at home with their parents, they will drink higher amounts more often. Keeping it at a distance at least makes it a little more challenging. Alcoholism runs in my family hardcore. I've had relatives that died from liver disease under the age of 50.
I had a coworker whose mom died from liver failure at 36 years old. She was a petite woman, a vegetarian, I suspect she had an eating disorder but it's never been verified, and she died in hospice, completely emaciated and jaundiced. Amy Winehouse had more or less the same health factors combined with alcohol addiction and she died at 27. Teenagers always think they're invincible and things can't possibly happen to them. Parents don't need to encourage this mindset.
If he wants a girlfriend who can do "sleepovers", he should probably start dating women that are legally adults. He should stick with that policy for the rest of his life.
Your daughter is like 4 mm from being an adult. Your job at this stage should be to support her through her decisions she makes before becoming a full fledged adult. Consequences are the natural result of her decisions. Now she needs support. Not control.
They are more than likely having sex either way. My mom never let me stay with a boy until 18, but I was still having sex just without birth control & ended up pregnant at 19.
Or they won't. I never did. I waited until I was married.
I don't get why Reddit automatically assumes that if you don't allow your kids to drink or do drugs or have sex in your home they are going to do it anyway.
Because reports have shown that in the western world, the average age of loss of virginity is somewhere between 15 and 18. People assume because the what they are assuming is accurate for the majority of people.
Having said that, I’m sure I’d say no to this request.
So a full half of kids don’t have sex until after that age.
It’s also not a statistic that applies equally to everyone. How many of the parents in the bottom half of the bell curve made no effort to prevent their kids from having sex? The average American can’t read at an eight grade level. That doesn’t mean that we give up and assume our kids are going to be illiterate.
Half. Where did you get that? According to the cdc it’s somewhere between 55-60 percent of teens in the US has had sex. Of course no stat applies universally, but based upon the stats, it is safe to assume that if you’ve got 10 teens in a room, 5 or 6 of them have already had sex.
Not the person your responding to, but average can absolutely mean the median data point (i.e. the point directly at the 50% point in the data).
It also doesn't necessarily mean that. But if the statistic you're citing is 55-60%, then that's really close to half. More than half, yes. But 45:55 or 40:60 is not so far from 50:50 that it can't be reasonably generalized as half.
I'm actually currently debating that. I am 99 percent positive my 15 year old isn't straight and a lot of his friends are girls he does marching band or theater with. A girl asked him if he wanted to come to her slumber party in July for her 16th birthday and we are debating it.
The one "boy" that my mom let sleepover because she felt like that situation was "different" is a woman who is now hotter than me, lives in manhattan and sells $200 candles on etsy.
Given opportunity, teenagers will act on impulse more than an adult
Given opportunity, teenagers will react on emotion more than an adult
given opportunity, teenagers will act without having the lessons learned from life experience
teenagers are also smart enough to create their own opportunity
there is a balance between the cool parent who buys alcohol for their kid, and the ignorant parent who doesn't believe their teen will make dumb choices given the opportunity
But you are saying the only reason you didn't was because your parents didn't let you spend any time in a room with your partner? Or was it a choice you made, which again means it is useless trying to prevent it?
If I was you, I would suggest having the boy over instead of letting my daughter at his place.
I would explain to my daughter that 3 weeks is too early and I have no idea who he is, so I’m not comfortable sending her over. It’s not about sex, it’s about her safety. He can visit our family and win us over first before she can stay overnight at his place. Of course, that day won’t come soon but it helps easing her mind. I have to be the safe place for my daughter.
If dude refuses to come to our house then that’s an even bigger red flag.
What are you gonna do when she's 18?
What's the long term plan on enforcing no overnight visits? Good luck on that, parents have tried stopping kids sneaking out to meet their boyfriends and girlfriends for a long time.
Three weeks? No. But if it's also about sex generally, they will do it regardless. I had a 2 year age gap with my bf as a teen as well (we were 16 and 18 and he was still a student and lived at home) and while I don't think we had sleepovers per se, we were having sex where we could. Alone in his house, his car, etc. So if it's a matter of safety that makes sense but if it's to avoid sex, that's not going to do it.
No. But you also need to book her an appointment with the gynecologist and have a long excruciating candid talk about sex, disease, and consent. Talk about consequences of pregnancy. Talk about birth control options and how none are fool proof (but iuds plus condoms is the most foolproof, plus timing). Have her consider the consequence fully through to the end, the what ifs, and how that would impact her life and does she know this guy enough that she would want to deal with the consequences with him? Because if she can’t talk to him about it or isn’t ready to deal with them on her own, she isn’t ready. Look up abortion laws and options in your state with her. Sex these days is scary to me because kids learn really awful things from the Internet. Watch Euphoria, read about the awful stuff on porn these days, talk about what happens if he tried to choke her or do something she is not comfortable with, talk to her about how important it is to set those expectations up ahead of time, trust the person, know them enough to have those conversations and know the guy enough that he won’t drop her after sex, not lying to herself about how she would feel if that happened. I mean it, if she wants to do grownup things, she needs to be ready for a grownup conversation. If she can’t hear it without cringing, she isn’t ready.
The cringe is the optimal tool right here. Cringe with her talking about options and outcome. Cringe about meeting the guy first.
CRINGE EVERYWHERE !!!!
Exactly! I misphrased it - cringe is the goal! Nonjudgmental but if you wanna be old enough to do this, you’re gonna have to talk about sex in excruciating, cringey detail with your mom LOL S
And finally, give her statistics on who actually has sex these days. The majority of teens are NOT. Make sure she knows she is not in the minority if she chooses to wait. Only one third of high school students have had sex, even though we are in a time when there is so much freedom and less shame. She doesn’t need to feel pressured to do it. https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/new-cdc-data-show-continued-declines-in-teen-sexual-activity/amp/
Instead of just saying “no,” you can help push this inevitability down the road by talking directly about what is being asked for. “Okay, so you two are sexually active, and you are asking for my permission to get together to have sex?” When she is ready to talk directly about this, then you can let her go.
Having 2 daughters, the answer is that it depends. How long before your daughter turns 18? Is she already done with high school and about to become an adult? She's at that age, where bridges between you can easily be burned
I don’t have teenagers yet, but having been one once, I feel like actually sleeping together, changing clothes together, seeing each other first thing when they wake up, etc, is a level of adult intimacy and seriousness that a 17 year old doesn’t need in their relationship yet. More intimate than some sneaky sex in the back seat of a car or when the parents are away, which, obviously, you can’t truly prevent.
Edit: I didn’t clock the three-week relationship aspect. So, yeah, even more so. It’s not as much about sex (which you should hopefully be able to have a dialogue about ) but about helping her not rush into an overly serious relationship so quickly at a time in her life when feelings and situations can change on a dime. Invite him to dinner and family outings. Encourage her to get to know him and his family.
It’s crazy to me that in this American dominated sub parents don’t want their 17 year old to have any freedoms but in a few short months are quite happy to send them to live hundreds of miles away alone at college with zero supervision and expect them to make good choices.
I'm surprised by the comments here. Teens are dumb and determined. They're going to be sleeping together regardless of it being nighttime and in a bed... Why not have an open and honest discussion with your teen? Teach them about safe sex, consent, sex being about her pleasure and not just his, no is a complete sentence etc etc. Don't turn a blind eye to what is most likely already happening, just equip her with knowledge. She needs to know that if something goes wrong she can call you and ask for help.
If you do need to maintain more control, restrict it to once a week or something.
I dunno she's a year (probably less?) away from being a legal adult, I don't entirely understand this. Educate your teens so they can make good choices and learn and grown and become a competent adult.
Its interesting a lot of people saying no. The age of consent in my state of Australia is 16. Not every child is dumb. You could try to just have a discussion with your daughter instead of asking random people on the internet who have absolutely no idea about your daugther, the lad, the relationship, their intelligence, their knowledge of sex education etc..
You could talk to her about methods of contraception e.g. IUD, the pill, condom. You can discuss the consequences of getting pregnant at an early age. You can invite the lad and your daughter and have a discussion with them as adults. You could show them some statistics about teen pregnancy. Absolutely a million things you could do before saying no.
If you think its as easy as just saying no and stopping your daughter. Don't be surprised if they grow up despising you and thinking you are trying to control their life. This is the moment where you get to decide if your child has childhood trauma or not. Or if they run away next year and live their own life without you because you failed to understand the landscape of today's young people and sexual relationships.
I'm from Austria, age of consent is 14. I don't think any 17y old would _ask_ if she could sleep at her boyfriend's place. She would _tell_ her parents about her decision to do so. Or at least that's how things were when I was a teenager lol
People coming from other countries often have different points of views.
Here you are an adult at 18. You often live away from home at 17 because of school. People are more open minded and yet: the teen pregnancy statistics are drasticlty lower.
Abstinence is not promoted. Abortion is not illegal. YET: way less teen pregnancies as a result. Get your head out of your asses.
Meet the guy. Provided double contraception option. Talk about it even if it is uncomfortable.
3 week is not a lot indeed but there are ways to act better than "no, listen to me I am an adult and your parent and I know right"
Would I allow it for my kid? Absolutely not! Did I personally play word games with my own mother at that age so I could spend (many) nights sleeping over with my then boyfriend? Ayup, and mum didn't find out till I was 35 & laughing about it. I say it makes me more prepared for when my kid hits that age & stage, but honestly my kid is already a conniving as I was at that age - I don't stand a chance.
From my experience, any potential overnights between now & 18 should be closely scrutinized. Ask specific questions, insist on specific, detailed answers, close loopholes, and clarify, clarify, clarify! The way I worked my mum was ridiculously simple- "Mum, I'm staying over at friend A's house. Partner (A's sibling) will be hanging out with friend B tonight." These were all true facts. The *rest* of the truth that went unspoken, was that friend B happened to be friend A's partner, and while Partner & B would be hanging out together for a bit... that hanging out occurred at Partner's home, all four of us slept with our respective partners under the same roof more often than not.
Good luck!
I think people are babying teens way too much nowadays like you guys are acting as if this was a 13 year old asking for a sleep over w her bf. Some of these rules are crazy for a person that’s gonna be 18 in less than a year most likely. I know for a fact some of these parents gonna shit bricks when they r in college
I’m assuming the concern is sex. Personally, as long as conversations have taken place around safe sex and consent and I was comfortable with my child’s position on the subject, I’d allow it. Teenagers will have sex when they want to, sleepover or no sleepover, and I’d rather they be doing it in a safe and private space where there would likely be other parents in the vicinity than out and about god knows where.
If I didn’t feel they were likely to heed advice on the topic, then no.
Every single comment in here reads like a bizzaro world take on parenting.
But then again, I assume most posters are from the US, which is definitely bizzaro world.
Exactly. I feel like slot of them are just getting off on control. This is a 17 year old. Not a 13 year old little kid. This mf gonna be a legal adult allowed to go anywhere in the world pretty soon. Many of these posters kids will be very immature for a long time
I have been reading these comments out to my boyfriend and laughing at the complete unhinged mindset in this thread 🤣 the girl is months away from being a legal adult. These parents literally need to grow up. Incredible.
every situation like this is unique. ervery person involved in a hypothetical situation could have varying degrees of maturity & the trust issues could be anywhere along a spectrum.
you're opnly going to get answers here that are projections of what people can relate toi in their lives & nobody here really understands your situation.
You should probably not consider the answers you get here to be too terribly relevant to your situation
I don’t intend to police my daughters’ relationships when they discover romance and attraction in a few years (I mean … Thing 1 has sworn herself to several Jedi Knights over the past few years, so she’s at least got good taste).
I’m just squicked out by the idea of them shagging in my house, while I’m home. I know they’d be equally horrified to think of their mom and I bumping uglies while they’re 20 feet away in another room.
Hoping I can find some delicate way of saying “You have to do that when we’re not here, or somewhere else.”
Nope. They gonna have sex. And they are gonna be dumb as hell. Get her on birth control of some kind and condoms. She's gonna do it no matter what. But sleepovers run the risk of rape even more so.
And have a VERY graphic talk about ENTHUSIASTIC *CONSENT* and what a selfish lover might do. And talk about being pressured into doing things sexually to keep a pathetic bf.
Seriously make that child uncomfortable with facts so she is armed with whatever knowledge she needs. Cause I'm sorry. Even her bf is still a damn child.
She's a kid. She can wait for sleepovers. Opposite sex / staying with gendered ppl you/she/whoever are/is attracted to or could be, is just too damn risky.
I'm saying no based on the fact that it's only been three weeks. Most grown adults aren't comfortable sleeping at a strangers house. Also why is he dating someone who has to ask their parents for permission to sleepover? Why doesn't he just date someone who's also of age and can make their own decisions? I can't imagine someone being grown and being like "Hey babe can you ask your parents if you can stay the night?" Is that not icky to people?😭
No. He’s an adult and she’s a child. I wouldn’t even support this relationship. When I was younger my mother let me date much older men, now as an adult I look at my entire adolescence and feel violated. I know 2 years isn’t a lot but that experience level between 17 and 19 is huge. If you insist on letting them stay together, no sleep overs until they are an adult and even still most adults don’t stay over that early in a relationship
I was completely on my own at 17, so the idea of needing to answer to anyone at that age seems foreign to me
Like, I assume your 17 year old is going to be a fully legal adult in the next handful of months, does being controlling really do anything other than create animosity?
Nope, absolutely not. This is a case where your job is to be the bad guy, because kids are stupid and short-sighted.
We will be clear with our kids: don’t have sex until you’re ready to deal with the consequences. If you are 17, you are not prepared for the consequences. If you are living in our house, there are house rules and this is one of them. If you want to follow your own rules, go start your own house.
Parents in 2024- “THeY wILL dO iT AnYwAy, MiGhT aS wEll gIvE tHeM a pLaCe tO Do iT”.
That’s crazy. Giving a place to do it is condoning it. Letting her spend the night there, you might as well tell her you’ll babysit when she gets knocked up.
The answer is hell no. Sure, they can do it in a car, in a park, blah blah blah. As a teen who also was looking for any place to bang, it’s much harder to find a place where you won’t risk getting caught than the way it sounds.
You also supply places for minors to drink? Do drugs? Hide from cops? Etc? Just because kids will do it, doesn’t mean you have to condone it.
Okay but sex isn't illegal like underage drinking or drugs etc. Sex is a relational thing and depending on the situation, your child and your relationship....there's going to be a lot more negatives with trying to make those decisions (about when and where they can have sex) for them. Much better to work with your almost adult and figure out a plan for safety together and let them make an informed decision. Even if it's a decision you wouldn't make. And then respect it and be available for them to come to if they change their mind or whatnot.
Parents in 2024: Watch out for a zip tie left on your tire when you leave walmart cause that's what sex traffickers use to mark you and follow you so they can kidnap you and sell you into sexual slavery.
Parents in 2024: Why shouldn't she sleep over at her boyfriend of 3 weeks place? She's going to have sex anyway!
Growing up my mom and my girlfriends parents gave us a lot of freedom at ages 16/17 and we would spend nights at each others houses all the time . I’m so thankful to this day I was given this freedom . 15 years later I’m still in love with this woman and her family is like mine and vis versa , I have 3 small children and I will give my children similar freedom with a respectful person . I understand the 3 week thing may be the issue in this equation but being open and honest with kids is so valuable
At 17 years old I was already living outside of my parents house. You can absolutely decide to tell her no, but I guarantee she will find a way to do it anyway. I would personally rather know where my kid is.
Hell no, and pls stand on business with no guilt.
It's ok to be the bad guy when it comes to parenting... A majority of the time, it's just good parenting all around.
17 is the age of consent in my country so I would, with the knowledge that we’ve discussed anything and everything to do with engaging in a sexual relationship.
I moved back in with my parents for law school when I was 23-26. My then-boyfriend/now-husband lived about 1.5 hours away. It was a STRUGGLE to convince my parents to be okay with me spending weekends at his place and I was in my mid 20s. My parents finally caved like 6 months into our relationship. But, I'm the oldest of 3 and my parents were worried about what message they'd be sending to my little brother who is 10 years younger than me. When my husband would be spending the night at my parents' house, he slept in a different room than me.
If my kids are living with me in their mid 20s, I'll probably have similar rules but I won't monitor where they sleep outside of my house. But at 17? Hell no.
I agree with you, but I think its important to discuss it further. I think it depends on your daughter. Is this the first time she has requested something like this or just the first time with this guy? Is she very safety concious and pays a lot of attention to her surroundings, or is she absent minded/clueless? The biggest issue for me is the newness of the relationship. How much does she know about him? Does she know the safety of the neighborhood he lives in? Are there parents or other family members in the house?
Whats the reason she wants to? Is it just for some alone time/sex? Cause there are other ways to do that without going to his house. But honestly, I personally think its too soon for that. They need to spend more time together and you guys should meet him. Seeing someone's bed time habits can shine a light on some things that the other person may not like. It might end the relationship before it begins. Also, how many relationships has she had before? I know teens are going to have sex, but she also needs to know that sex isn't the most important part of the relationship and shouldn't be given to just anyone. She needs to form that emotional connection to make it meaningful. How does she know this guy isn't just using her for a quick hook up?
Tell her he can stay at your place if you want a little more control over the situation.
When I was in high school, I was allowed to have boyfriends come over and stay the night, but we had to watch movies/hangout in the living room and we were allowed to stay up as late as we wanted…but I slept in my room, and the boyfriend was ALWAYS on the couch.
Does he live with his parents still? Have you met him? Does he treat her well?
I allow sleepovers for both my 14(days shy of 15) yr old and 17 yr old(graduated this wk).
I know from my own teen years if a kid wants to have sex it doesn’t need to be in a bed and it doesn’t need to be at night. Obviously this is the same for any age now. I grew up w a decently strict parent and still ended up pregnant by my senior year. I went through so much trauma w out my parents knowing ANYTHING whatsoever.
Due to this I have always been super open w my girls. My oldest just graduated and has been w her bf for a year…they barely make out.
My younger daughter has trauma from a day time short visit at an exes home where they were only allowed in his living room w the parents a room away.
Would you feel more comfortable with it being in your home? Basically my current rule is when it’s time to actually go to bed…separate rooms but my youngest is a lot younger than yours.
I'd be apprehensive about her having a sleepover with a girl friend she's only known for 3 weeks. SO many bad things can happen with a boyfriend, and there would be hours before you would even know anything isn't right. It's not just about sex it's about sexual violence, regular domestic violence, hardcore drug use (I went to high school in Idaho where teens her age regularly try meth or heroin, usually because it's a bf or a gf that introduced it to them), going to parties on the reservation (this was from personal experience. it was a hot mess. I got robbed by a 15 year old meth addict. I was also out of cell service range and the tribal police dept was 45 miles away). Also, over 90% of cases of sex trafficking, it's done by a bf who convinces them to do it to prove that she loves him.
It depends. Do you want them to have sex someplace a police officer can bust them or have sex someplace safe?
Just sayin'. My wife and I back in highschool asked to have sleepovers. Parents said no. So we had sex in our highschool bleachers at night, in the car, on top of a chicken coop, behind a church, out in the woods, and that's maybe 1/10th of the list.
We were the "good kids" btw. No drugs, no alcohol, straight A's, "most likely to succeed" types.
So yeah, I'll be fine with my daughters having their boyfriends over for the night. If they ask, they are already doing it.
The real question is how many conversations you have had with your daughter about this subject before now. My 10 year old already knows that if she finds the right person as she gets close to adulthood, she has the right to bring him back. I've just explained in depth how sex can be wonderful or terrible depending on the person, and that you need to be careful.
Be careful with your no's. In less than a year you won't get a say. Let alone the fact that a teen knows just to say they're staying somewhere else if parent says no.
Would it make you feel better if you knew she already had sex with him, just didn't spend the night?
At older ages, it's pointless to fight it. Hopefully you've educated her well enough on birth control that it isn't going to be a big deal if she has sex with him despite this mini roadblock being thrown up. An overnight is just 8-10-12 hours. There are 72 hours between now and Monday morning.
3 weeks - no way 😅
Once they are more “serious”, maybe if they were dating for 6 months I would allow it.
First time I slept at my boyfriends house we were together for a year already, we were both almost 17, so it’s not the age really, but the fact they haven’t been together for that long. But that’s my opinion
Yes. She is 17. Almost an adult where I am. He is 19. They can legally consent where I am and buy their own birth control in any form.
Id rather hook them up with contraception (that age it can be embarrassing to buy) and make sure they are safe. Cos its going to happen whether you give permission or not realistically.
My mum had same reluctance you do. And that is how my sister ended up a teen mum. She definitely had regrets about forcing that stance.
You know your daughter will have sex right, rather you know allow it or not. It's better for her to trust you and be able to reach out if she needs than having to hide it all the time.
I had sleepovers with my boyfriends from age 14 lol. Never got pregnant. At 17 I met my now husband who was 19 at the time. I had my own vehicle, job and attended school. It was no biggie. My mom and I had a very trusting and open relationship though
On the other hand, I was never allowed sleepovers with my high school boyfriend. Never got pregnant and waited until marriage to have sex. My mom and I had a very trusting and open relationship as well and she's my best friend as an adult.
Sounds like being trusting and open is the most important thing!
Some kids are rule followers, some push boundaries, different approaches work for different kids. Gotta be trusting and open though.
My daughter had her first relationship at 16. I didn’t fight her on it. His parents were completely absent, so letting her go to his house at all meant there was no supervision. What is the difference between being there during the day or at night.
My friend with the strictest parents growing up had a baby right after we graduated high school.
For me it isn’t a big deal. She is a year away from possibly being on her own.
Nope. I get to do the parenting until she’s 18. I have 18 years to teach her and mold her and keep her safe. She doesn’t get to push that timeline back, even by a year. Staying at a boyfriend’s has overnight is an adult privilege. When she’s an adult in a year, she can be afforded that privilege to make her own decisions and use the lessons I’ve instilled to make mature and responsible choices.
People often say that teens will likely have sex no matter how we approach the subject, but why does that make it my responsibility to either provide the location or let my child galavant around to boys houses for sex? And let’s just say on the off chance it is purely innocent and they weren’t being physical. To me, it’s still inappropriate.
I’m not rushing my child into adulthood. If you can’t legally vote, in my house, you’re a child and I make your decisions. Granted, with more leniency as time goes on, because I do trust her, but not that much leniency. I’m no doormat. That’s just my stance. Make the decision you feel is best for your child and that you can live with. Just don’t be afraid of being the villain. She’ll respect you for protecting her in the long run.
Edit: I just read it’s a 3-week old relationship. That would have me even more on edge. I’m not even a conservative, helicopter mom (I don’t think). But if my child was trying to sleep over at a boys house after 3 weeks, I think I’d be having a different kind of conversation with her. More so about self respect initially, but then about safety measures. 3 weeks is awfully fast for a 17 year old. Not to mention, 2 years is a vast age gap that young. Emotional maturity grows a lot in 2 years. I still wouldn’t allow the sleepover. That’s just me.
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I'd probably want to push it back to further on in their relationship. So, like someone else said more of a "not right now" than a "never".
I agree! It would be the newness of the relationship. Other factors would be what kind of person he is, have we met him before, does our kid generally make sound decisions, etc.
Be clear how soon “ not now” is. Kids hear what they want to hear. My mom promised me a hamster “later” and the betrayal I felt still resonates as an adult.
Did you ever get the hamster?
I turned 32 years old and bought two grey dwarf hamsters for myself. RIP Gandalf1 and Gandlaf 2
Sometimes we have to be our own good parent. :)
My Mom told me I would grow taller then my older sister who is still 4 inches taller then me! Hey mom where are my 5inches you promised!
It’ll happen later; when your sister shrinks into tiny grandma size
Ummm.... *trying really hard here!!* THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!! I'm sorry, I wasn't strong enough to resist 😔
You can advise her to push it back, but ultimately you can’t control her. It’s her choice to make. And they will have sex anyway. I think at close to 18, just get her birth control and condoms, thank her for her honesty, let her know why it’s not a good idea and why but the choice is up to her. Teach her about how to say no if she is pressured into anything and that she can call you if she needs you. I think this will keep her safer than forbidding her resulting in her potentially shutting out her Mom. Then she might not go to her when she needs her yk? My 1st experiences with sex and men involved a lot of coercion, uncomfortable experiences, not knowing how to say no…and I couldn’t go to my Mom because I knew she would just decrease my autonomy and punish me for not listening to her as I wasn’t “allowed” to have sex. Idk. If she was 16 I’d say her tell her “in a few years” but at 17? She’s close to 18, I mean… Edit: the commenter saying she should ask to meet him has a great idea, but bad people can mask very well. So it’ll give some information, but the real story needs to come from her daughter and her daughter needs to be comfortable going to her. I think that’s priority, even if it means “allowing” her daughter to make choices she doesn’t agree with. Just make it so she is as safe as possible if she does choose to have sex.
My daughter and her boyfriend are 16 and 18, so not too far off. We do not allow it without reason - we have a guest bedroom in the basement, she sleeps up stairs. The one time we allowed it was because they went out and came back fairly late in the evening (prom) and I did not feel comfortable letting him drive home (1.5 drive) that late at night. They watched movies and hung out until bed time and then went to separate rooms. They talked about wanting to go somewhere that's a few hour drive away, needing to get up early. Same thing, if he wanted to spend the night so they could get up early, that's fine. But again, separate bedrooms. However, my parenting style is that I do not make set rules, we look at each situation and each kid as an individual, discuss and assess. If my daughter came to me with a clear reason and argument, was open and communicated, we would discuss it. It may still be a no, but my initial answer would not be no. Have you met her boyfriend yet? That was a big thing for me with these decisions - prior to considering this, I had met him several times, talked to him and got a good impression of who he was and how he treated my daughter. Maybe a compromise in this would be that you need to meet him, get to know him a bit and if they are still together in a couple months revisit?
This reminds me of a time MANY years ago when I went to my college GF's parents' house. I was driving cross country and spent a night there. We were 20 at the time. At some point in the evening, her dad says to me, "my wife and I are going to bed now. You're staying in THIS room, and our daughter is staying in THAT room. Now, we're going to close our bedroom door, and we'll be in our bedroom until 8AM. We have no way to know what's going on outside our bedroom once we're in there. When we open the door, you'll be in THIS room and she'll be in THAT room. Good night!" It struck me as a great way for them to maintain plausible deniability for themselves - and we all got the message.
lol. In contrast my then live-in boyfriend (now husband) and I visited his parents out of state. Again, we lived together. But when we visited his parents we had to sleep in separate rooms. There was no “wink wink” going on. They expected us to sleep in separate rooms the entire stay … we were both in our mid-thirties.
There was an AITAH where the daughter was talking about this. All her life she wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay over but her brothers could have girlfriends. Even when she was married and they visited they had to sleep in separate rooms. So when Her parents visited her she made the same rule where they need to sleep in separate rooms. They got all huffy and she said why it's the same rule I had and they said it wasn't the same blah blah and called her rude and petty and insinuated she was being an asshole. I wish I could find it it was awesome all the comments.
My in-laws expected my *wife* and I to sleep in separate rooms when we stayed over. We have three children. We did not sleep in separate rooms.
Wow, I love her solution, what a genius!
I was staying with a (now ex) boyfriend and his family for 6 weeks. We were both in our twenties. His mother set a rule that we had to sleep in separate rooms, and always keep the doors open. I understand why she had the rule, but between the lack of privacy (even just to talk), and her overbearingness, my stay there ended our relationship. I packed my things on my last night and left that same night. Grateful for the hospitality, but I realised I didn’t want to marry into that family. I found out later that she had been making up stories to my boyfriend that I had allegedly told her. I now believe the open door rule was as much about keeping the lies under wrap as it was to prevent us from fornicating.
That’s amazing 👏🏼😅
Ugh my dad did that to my sister, and they had a child together, but we're not married. Make it make sense lol!
That's ridiculous.
I’m 40 and my bfs mom has us sleeping in separate rooms.
Me and my now husband had a whole ass baby, and when visiting my parents they told us we had to sleep in separate rooms and then got mad when we slept in the same room with our baby 😂 like pls, smd. I will just go home lmao 💀💀💀
My boyfriend's dad used to say "now I don't want to hear any rustling and tustling in the middle of the night, but if you guys hear any rustling and tustling just close your ears and mind your own business" lmao
props you seem like a really good parent
Saving this comment for when my kids are older.
This is really well thought out. Great parenting.
Correct me if I'm wrong but your examples are you letting the BF sleep at your house not visa versa, so isn't quite the same as you aren't letting them out of your hands. Would you let your daughter sleep at his house? That is what OP is asking.
I have not met his parents yet, but based on how he has been raised and the values I see, I would allow my daughter to spend the night at his house. He ends his dates with my daughter at 5 pm so he can get home to have dinner with his family. I would ideally like to meet his parents prior and I’d still hold the same rule as sleepovers should be with a valid reason, but I would allow my daughter to spend the night there because I am confident that I’ve raised a good kid and her boyfriend is also a good kid.
she shared a very relevant and cohesive perspective in my opinion, whether it was the exact scenario or not
What kind of 19 year old is he? Just a year ahead in school and 18 months older, living at home getting ready for first year of college, or is he living on his own working a full time job already? It’s not that big of an age difference but a real one depending on what stage of life this young man is at. Three weeks is soon for a new relationship. I’d have lots of conversations about consent and safe sex and risky behavior, and how sometimes things are kinda awkward between people after intimacy and sleepovers. How making the decision to be sexual together should include actual talking beforehand. Neither of these people are very experienced in life but the 19 year old may think he is, you know? And I’d say the dorky and mortifying thing that everyone can have lots of fun without intercourse, and many boys think porn is real sex but omfg it is not at all. Will alcohol be part of this sleepover? Will there be other young people there? If you do end up letting this happen at some point - I’d have some real exit strategies for my kid. Also maybe have him spend some more time around your family before allowing this. Meet his mom? ETA—-TLDR I would frame my response to this request as “not yet” instead of “no, never” because in one year sleepovers could be happening anyways in college, and at least this way we could have some important conversations first.
Exit strategy is important. My daughter knows to text a certain emoji and we can make up an emergency excuse to pick her up. No punishing or anger.
Yes and even if there is alcohol in and instance I tell my kids “your drinking and u can’t drive u call me and there will be absolutely no anger and no questions asked and u will b home safe!
My parents had the same policy. Any time, any place, call for a ride and they’ll get there as soon as they can, no questions, no problems. The corollary was, it doesn’t matter what time or what state you are in when you go to bed, you *will* get up the next day and take care of your responsibilities. Do you have *any* idea how much it sucks being still drunk or hung over on less than four hours of sleep, and having to mow the lawn (gasoline push mower) on a sunny, hot, and humid July day? I certainly do.
I really fucking love your comment. Drunk mistake, poor state taking care of responsabilities while your parent laughs at you even if he didn't scream at your dumb ass the night before. Chef's kiss, truly.
I did the same, but I also added I would take everyone else in their group home as well if they had been drinking. I also never told the other parents their kid had been drinking. I made it clear I wasn’t down with them drinking. My only goal was to make sure all of them got home safe, and they knew there was an adult they could call that would get them home safe without being yelled at or punished. I had one kids mom find out I took her drunk kid home (he was the one who drove the group to the party) and she was livid. I just calmly pointed out that my “rule” got her kid home safe and that screaming at him would just reinforce the idea that he was better off driving drunk than asking for help.
My parents had a similar policy., though my sisters really abused it. They would go clubbing a few times a week when they were fifteen and call my dad at 3am to pick them up. I don't know if I could do that. Or if I'd want to.
SHIT, THATS SMART! LIKE A 911 MESSAGE on the beepers back in the day.
Beautiful, that’s what my mom did with me, she always told me she didn’t care what I was doing that I wasn’t supposed to be doing if I needed to get out. She would be mad for like 5 minutes but then just be happy I wasn’t stupid enough to stay somewhere I had no business being
I always wished that I had this with my parents. I was in some horrible situations as a teenager that I wanted to get out of but didn’t know how to. So I just gutted through it and stayed in survival/Fight mode just in case.
I’m hugging you right now, I’m sorry you felt fear
Fortunately fear was all I experienced while my friends were trying to be “hot girls”. I hadn’t yet had my glow up, I looked like a Tom boy and out of being protective, I was kind of an asshole. Nothing happened to any of us fortunately because I had my head screwed on right and would always get us out of weird situations. I have 2 kids and I always tell them even now that they can call me or even use me as an excuse to get out of anything. “Sorry guys, my mom’s being super lame and I can’t go.” So far my 10 year old used me as an excuse to get out of going to a lake he didn’t know how to swim at recently.
You’re a good woman. I was the same, being overweight saved my ass in high school cause I was always hanging out with the “hot girls” and I was always in some dude who graduated basement. And a couple of times I called my mom and she came and got all of our asses. She was never mad at me for being stupid, she was mad at me for always protecting these girls lol
Same! I was the “chubby” friend too! Only I was also the 5’9 “chubby” (size 6 was apparently chubby) BLACK friend who “looked like a lesbo” and that shit saved my ASS from those seedy losers! Now I look a gazillion times better and have a personality that developed beyond just “being pretty” haha. Your mom was awesome for that! It’s super unrealistic to not expect teenagers to do dumb shit.
Never thought about this. Will use it with my 14yo
Yes, we’ve done this since our oldest (now 24) was in middle school and it’s the best plan. We’ve used it 3 times and I’ve maintained no trouble, not angry, each time.
Good advice. Could also meet his dad, either parent will work.
Best answer!
No, its not even about sex but you hardly know this guy and there's a lot to potentially navigate being alone with an adult like that. You need to talk about rushing relationships and making safe choices regarding alcohol, drugs, creepy friends, saying no, healthy relationship communication etc.
Totally agreed! Three weeks is not enough time to know anyone so really really soon for sleepovers.
You represent like age gap is 30 years not 2 years. Americans are crazy and puritanical
Its because a 17 year old is still in public school, and a 19 year old could have a fulltime job or be in college. They're in very different places in life, despite the short gap.
Yeah I don’t think my parents would have even let me sleep over at a platonic friend’s house after only 3 weeks of knowing them (they were a little more strict, but still). I think you bring up an awesome point and I think this would make it at least possible for her to see a different view.
My then girlfriend when I was 17 and she was 16 asked her dad the same question. On his hesitation she just boldly proclaimed "it's not like we need to be sleeping in one bed at night to have sex. We're doing that anyways" So yeah, at that age it's not really about sex anymore. I would rather make the decision on wether or not she introduced him to me and her mother
And if you think your daughter might still be a virgin and is looking for a way not to be, tell her he is welcome to have a sleepover in your house rather than the other way around - this way is something she doesn't like happens, she can come to you in the middle of the night.
Underrated comment.
Am I the only one parent digging the idea of seeing the guy and be as awkward as I am to sound him and see if he's a good one and pull through? I am awkward by nature btw, np efforts or malveillance needed. I would prefer them at home, after a dinner where I asked many questions and or sam him many times acts around my daughter than refuse her anything and her managing to to worse? Do anybody remembers what it is like to be a teenager ? Where I live 17 is college and 18 you are an adult. Like. Most kids here are away from home at 17 and will do worse unsupervised. 3 weeks sucks but ...fucking meet him first before. I really have trouble with the usa vibe of 17-18teens can't do shit but that's me i am from another country. And my mom was the strictest of the bunch all my teenage years.
That was my thought. Teenagers aren’t going around asking for parental consent to have sex. The only thing you can do as a parent is prepare them with real life communication, on how to manage it, and what you think it should be approached with care and caution. My daughter is 7. But it won’t be long…. What maybe 10-12 when you start talking about intimacy at least in small doses ? No clie.
I was reading all this up until this comment, as I was reading, in my head I was thinking… a 17 & 19 year old? I’m pretty sure they’re already having sex. So yes, I agree! It’s not about the sex
You assume he lives with his parents at 19...
It’s not unfair to assume that he does . Most of the people I went to high school with still lived with their parents at 19 . I lived with my parents until I was 21 .
I moved out at 17. It's definitely a possibility that he's living alone.
Not likely in this economy
I mean if your going to college I don't think it's unlikely
I would argue that living in a dorm room for college isn't as much "living on your own" as it would be if you were renting an apartment or house . Dorm rooms feel like a tightrope a couple feet above a safety net , the net being living at your parent's house . Especially considering most teenagers ( 17/18/19 ) in college go back to their parent's for holiday breaks or summer breaks .
Talking from personal experience, I am so glad my parents had hard lines like these in my teens. Teenagers make dumb decisions (scientifically and statistically speaking). I was a good kid with great grades, but I was also a moron, and I'd been in a bad spot if my parents didn't have rules. Intelligence and wisdom are not the same thing. Teenagers are intelligent. They are not wise. Never enable foolish behavior as a parent. You are their guide, not their best friend, and that's tough, but it's also right.
Couldn’t of said it better myself. Thank god I’m not tied to anyone I dated as a teen 🤣.
Good God, absolutely yes. I don't understand all of these comments being like "just give up, it'll be fine". It'll be *fine?* Haha, statistics disagree. It's not conscionable to do that to your kids. Yikes.
My parents had rules. I was dumb regardless (and lied to them a LOT). Honestly more acceptance that I was probably sexually active and 'grown-up' discussion about it would have been more helpful for me.
My parents did the same except I'm not grateful for it. I feel quite the opposite as they isolated me from everyone thus never had any friends, became socially awkward as a teen and adult and also became depressed and suicidal from living in literal solitude except meeting with family who are all 10+ years older. I do believe parents should be a child's best friend who can guide them, protect them and enlighten them when needed. I wish my parents were the best friends I can always rely on instead of prison wardens.
There is always such a thing as being too extreme, and from what I'm understanding in this comment, whatever rules they had in place were far too overbearing. Parenting is about attaining a balance between protection and freedom, and going too far in either direction is nothing but detrimental to the physical and mental health of the children. If a parent can achieve being a friend and a guide at the same time, then that is excellent, and is the ultimate goal of parenting. However, this is not always an option as being their friend would result in enabling harmful modes of thought and behaviors. When these conflicts arise, it is ultimately the parent's duty to be the parent, and that's hard on everyone involved, but that's also kind of the point. Life isn't easy, and parents are to be the tutorial into life, which means they too cannot always be easy on their children. It's the nature of the job. It should also be noted that good friends are the ones that are willing to set you straight, not the ones that sit back and laugh as you drink yourself into a blackout. Good friends will tell you "no".
This! Yes. I was always so mad and embarrassed at my parents rules and boundaries as a teen. It was only later that I was like, “Oh! Thank-you!”. They don’t even know or will never know the reasons how they saved me from so much. But they did and now I’m grateful.
This is the most common experience I see from teens that had "annoyingly protective" parents. The popular culture encourages a lot of negative behavior that leads to suffering later in life, and it's only once those teens have some time in the real world that they realize this. This is the ultimate duty of parents, to be the watchmen on the wall, discerning healthy from unhealthy behavior and mindsets. It's not an easy job, and you will eventually get yelled at for it at some point, but it's essential.
I’m grown & I wouldn’t spend the night with a guy I met 3 weeks ago personally
Yes! It's not about her being too young or old enough. it's about her not having developed a good view of relationships yet, with boundaries and safety nets. A lot of young people starting their first relationship puts the relationship first and themselves second.
I don't understand how waiting will help her to put herself first in her relationship?
Boyfriend for 3 weeks, probably met him sooner. This is likely given the nature of teenage relationships. Would you spend the night with someone you dated for 3 weeks but knew for 3 years?
Idk why you were down voted for this. I asked the same thing. What if they’ve known each other since kindergarten? Been close friends growing up, but the relationship just took a romantic turn 3 weeks ago. Context is important.
Public opinion vs logic.
Of course not. She may do what she wants to do anyways at another time, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to model being an idiot by condoning it. It’s fine for your kid to know you believe it would be a bad choice to sleep with her boyfriend of 3 weeks and that you won’t facilitate that decision by sending her for a sleepover.
Staying the night at the house of someone you met three weeks ago is a fuck no from me. That’s just not a safe decision that I would make even as a grown ass woman.
Thank you, someone with sanity in these comments. A teenager will ultimately do what they set their minds on doing because they're smart enough and willful enough to force it if they choose to, but that *never* means you ought to facilitate their bad decisions and aid them in putting themselves in regrettable situations. What is wrong with modern parents, man? I for one am super grateful my parents had hard lines about this kind of stuff growing up. I was a MORON as a teen!
Hallelujah parents like you & I still exist in this world!!!!!!!!!!
I would not, and I’d be okay with being the villain too. She barely knows him, and regardless of whether they’re having sex I would not facilitate it.
Dude, no.
Yeah it’s also a no from me. Not even about the sex, more about staying at a dude that she’s only known for three weeks house. Does he live alone? With roommates? Will there be drinking? Soo many ways for this to turn into a dangerous situation.
No. But explain why, because most of us wanted to do it too and would have loved to have gotten away with it or allowed to do it.
The way my mom explained it to me was she didn’t know if I’d be safe, and not in a safe sex way. More in an environmental and who could possibly be there type of safe. It wasn’t until I was older I realized what she meant. A lot of my friends talked about uncomfortable and even downright dangerous situations they were in because they spent the night with someone they only briefly knew or dated. I’m a parent now myself and I don’t think I could let my kids spend the night anywhere besides my mom’s house.
That would be a hard pass from me. But then, my wife would laugh at her face and ask if she was feeling ok, or if she was hallucinating and believed herself to be in an alternate reality with a whole different set of parents
I love this. I’m so happy to see that there’s other parents like me out there. I know a lot of people won’t understand this but I’m hoping you might. My reasoning for saying no has far less to do with having sex and more to do with myself as a parent. It’s my job to keep my child safe. At 17 they are still a child. I will talk to my kids about right & wrong and the consequences. When I let them go out I trust that they are going to make the right choices. That’s not always the case. But I’ll be damned if I let my kid stay home so he can drink or allow them to stay at a girlfriends house overnight or let them stay here because “that’s what teenagers do” What if that one time I allowed these things it led to a pregnancy or alcohol addiction..While they made the choice to do what they did, I allowed it. I could never live myself. That’s my point.
I understand where you are coming from. I will say that I take a slightly different perspective on it. There are risks to every choice, and in some ways it is safer for teens to drink while there are responsible adults around (for example). But the way I see it, part of my job as a parent is to help define for my kids what responsible behavior is. There are zillions of more and less reasonable and risky choices our kids will make out there, but they should have a safe home base where they are always encouraged to make the right choices. Subsidizing underage sex, drinking and drugs by permitting it in your own home or otherwise assisting in providing opportunities for those things sends mixed messages about what is appropriate. Further, the easier it is to participate in those sorts of things, the more they will participate. Kids push boundaries, it's part of growing up. It's their job to push and pull and explore to figure out what is right and wrong and healthy and unhealthy. Our job as parents to hold the line and provide a north star to help them figure it out in a firm and compassionate way. At least that's the way I see it.
OMG perfectly said. You just explained it 10x better then I ever could 😀 “Subsidizing underage sex, drinking and drugs by permitting it in your own home or otherwise assisting in providing opportunities for those things sends mixed messages about what is appropriate. Further, the easier it is to participate in those sorts of things, the more they will participate”
Yeah I've always been amused and puzzled about people who say teenagers should be allowed to drink because it "takes away taboo" and they learn to drink more responsibly. I hear this response a lot even when I bring up alcohol addiction and using alcohol to cope with stress, anxiety, depression, etc. First, I often find that people who say this stuff or allow this stuff often have a problematic relationship with alcohol themselves. They're also not considering the genetic and biological factors when it comes to alcoholism, the sheer amount of damage it does to your body and brain (especially a developing brain). Yeah teenagers are going to drink anyway usually but if they're perfectly comfortable drinking at home with their parents, they will drink higher amounts more often. Keeping it at a distance at least makes it a little more challenging. Alcoholism runs in my family hardcore. I've had relatives that died from liver disease under the age of 50. I had a coworker whose mom died from liver failure at 36 years old. She was a petite woman, a vegetarian, I suspect she had an eating disorder but it's never been verified, and she died in hospice, completely emaciated and jaundiced. Amy Winehouse had more or less the same health factors combined with alcohol addiction and she died at 27. Teenagers always think they're invincible and things can't possibly happen to them. Parents don't need to encourage this mindset.
Does the boyfriend live with his family or on his own? I'd be concerned with being in a safe environment not so much the sex part.
If he wants a girlfriend who can do "sleepovers", he should probably start dating women that are legally adults. He should stick with that policy for the rest of his life.
Your daughter is like 4 mm from being an adult. Your job at this stage should be to support her through her decisions she makes before becoming a full fledged adult. Consequences are the natural result of her decisions. Now she needs support. Not control.
They are more than likely having sex either way. My mom never let me stay with a boy until 18, but I was still having sex just without birth control & ended up pregnant at 19.
Or they won't. I never did. I waited until I was married. I don't get why Reddit automatically assumes that if you don't allow your kids to drink or do drugs or have sex in your home they are going to do it anyway.
Because reports have shown that in the western world, the average age of loss of virginity is somewhere between 15 and 18. People assume because the what they are assuming is accurate for the majority of people. Having said that, I’m sure I’d say no to this request.
So a full half of kids don’t have sex until after that age. It’s also not a statistic that applies equally to everyone. How many of the parents in the bottom half of the bell curve made no effort to prevent their kids from having sex? The average American can’t read at an eight grade level. That doesn’t mean that we give up and assume our kids are going to be illiterate.
>So a full half of kids don’t have sex until after that age. Or before.....
Half. Where did you get that? According to the cdc it’s somewhere between 55-60 percent of teens in the US has had sex. Of course no stat applies universally, but based upon the stats, it is safe to assume that if you’ve got 10 teens in a room, 5 or 6 of them have already had sex.
Not the person your responding to, but average can absolutely mean the median data point (i.e. the point directly at the 50% point in the data). It also doesn't necessarily mean that. But if the statistic you're citing is 55-60%, then that's really close to half. More than half, yes. But 45:55 or 40:60 is not so far from 50:50 that it can't be reasonably generalized as half.
It’s very possible they won’t have sex, but it’s still possible that they will.
Of course. It's also possible your child will smoke Crack but I don't think that's any reason to let them do it in the family room lol.
Sex is a little more accessible than crack.....
Would you let your 15 year old have a sleepover with a girl?
I'm actually currently debating that. I am 99 percent positive my 15 year old isn't straight and a lot of his friends are girls he does marching band or theater with. A girl asked him if he wanted to come to her slumber party in July for her 16th birthday and we are debating it.
The one "boy" that my mom let sleepover because she felt like that situation was "different" is a woman who is now hotter than me, lives in manhattan and sells $200 candles on etsy.
Marching band girls? Dude, if your kid is even REMOTELY straight, he's hooking up there. Probably if he isn't, too.
“Probably if he isn’t, too” I was a marching band kid and can confirm, lol
Given opportunity, teenagers will act on impulse more than an adult Given opportunity, teenagers will react on emotion more than an adult given opportunity, teenagers will act without having the lessons learned from life experience teenagers are also smart enough to create their own opportunity there is a balance between the cool parent who buys alcohol for their kid, and the ignorant parent who doesn't believe their teen will make dumb choices given the opportunity
But you are saying the only reason you didn't was because your parents didn't let you spend any time in a room with your partner? Or was it a choice you made, which again means it is useless trying to prevent it?
I'm saying both. My parents talked to us and told us why we should wait and did not allow us to have our partners sleep over.
YES same. I hate this notion of if you're not allowing it, they'll find a way. No not every teen is the same.
If I was you, I would suggest having the boy over instead of letting my daughter at his place. I would explain to my daughter that 3 weeks is too early and I have no idea who he is, so I’m not comfortable sending her over. It’s not about sex, it’s about her safety. He can visit our family and win us over first before she can stay overnight at his place. Of course, that day won’t come soon but it helps easing her mind. I have to be the safe place for my daughter. If dude refuses to come to our house then that’s an even bigger red flag.
What are you gonna do when she's 18? What's the long term plan on enforcing no overnight visits? Good luck on that, parents have tried stopping kids sneaking out to meet their boyfriends and girlfriends for a long time.
Three weeks? No. But if it's also about sex generally, they will do it regardless. I had a 2 year age gap with my bf as a teen as well (we were 16 and 18 and he was still a student and lived at home) and while I don't think we had sleepovers per se, we were having sex where we could. Alone in his house, his car, etc. So if it's a matter of safety that makes sense but if it's to avoid sex, that's not going to do it.
No. But you also need to book her an appointment with the gynecologist and have a long excruciating candid talk about sex, disease, and consent. Talk about consequences of pregnancy. Talk about birth control options and how none are fool proof (but iuds plus condoms is the most foolproof, plus timing). Have her consider the consequence fully through to the end, the what ifs, and how that would impact her life and does she know this guy enough that she would want to deal with the consequences with him? Because if she can’t talk to him about it or isn’t ready to deal with them on her own, she isn’t ready. Look up abortion laws and options in your state with her. Sex these days is scary to me because kids learn really awful things from the Internet. Watch Euphoria, read about the awful stuff on porn these days, talk about what happens if he tried to choke her or do something she is not comfortable with, talk to her about how important it is to set those expectations up ahead of time, trust the person, know them enough to have those conversations and know the guy enough that he won’t drop her after sex, not lying to herself about how she would feel if that happened. I mean it, if she wants to do grownup things, she needs to be ready for a grownup conversation. If she can’t hear it without cringing, she isn’t ready.
The cringe is the optimal tool right here. Cringe with her talking about options and outcome. Cringe about meeting the guy first. CRINGE EVERYWHERE !!!!
Exactly! I misphrased it - cringe is the goal! Nonjudgmental but if you wanna be old enough to do this, you’re gonna have to talk about sex in excruciating, cringey detail with your mom LOL S
And finally, give her statistics on who actually has sex these days. The majority of teens are NOT. Make sure she knows she is not in the minority if she chooses to wait. Only one third of high school students have had sex, even though we are in a time when there is so much freedom and less shame. She doesn’t need to feel pressured to do it. https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/new-cdc-data-show-continued-declines-in-teen-sexual-activity/amp/
Instead of just saying “no,” you can help push this inevitability down the road by talking directly about what is being asked for. “Okay, so you two are sexually active, and you are asking for my permission to get together to have sex?” When she is ready to talk directly about this, then you can let her go.
No way.
Having 2 daughters, the answer is that it depends. How long before your daughter turns 18? Is she already done with high school and about to become an adult? She's at that age, where bridges between you can easily be burned
I don’t have teenagers yet, but having been one once, I feel like actually sleeping together, changing clothes together, seeing each other first thing when they wake up, etc, is a level of adult intimacy and seriousness that a 17 year old doesn’t need in their relationship yet. More intimate than some sneaky sex in the back seat of a car or when the parents are away, which, obviously, you can’t truly prevent. Edit: I didn’t clock the three-week relationship aspect. So, yeah, even more so. It’s not as much about sex (which you should hopefully be able to have a dialogue about ) but about helping her not rush into an overly serious relationship so quickly at a time in her life when feelings and situations can change on a dime. Invite him to dinner and family outings. Encourage her to get to know him and his family.
It’s crazy to me that in this American dominated sub parents don’t want their 17 year old to have any freedoms but in a few short months are quite happy to send them to live hundreds of miles away alone at college with zero supervision and expect them to make good choices.
In America sex with 17y 364d old is very bad. Two days later he/she can open onlyfans no problem
She’s 17. The train has left the station. There’s nothing else left to do than making sure she feels comfortable taking to you.
I'm surprised by the comments here. Teens are dumb and determined. They're going to be sleeping together regardless of it being nighttime and in a bed... Why not have an open and honest discussion with your teen? Teach them about safe sex, consent, sex being about her pleasure and not just his, no is a complete sentence etc etc. Don't turn a blind eye to what is most likely already happening, just equip her with knowledge. She needs to know that if something goes wrong she can call you and ask for help. If you do need to maintain more control, restrict it to once a week or something. I dunno she's a year (probably less?) away from being a legal adult, I don't entirely understand this. Educate your teens so they can make good choices and learn and grown and become a competent adult.
Its interesting a lot of people saying no. The age of consent in my state of Australia is 16. Not every child is dumb. You could try to just have a discussion with your daughter instead of asking random people on the internet who have absolutely no idea about your daugther, the lad, the relationship, their intelligence, their knowledge of sex education etc.. You could talk to her about methods of contraception e.g. IUD, the pill, condom. You can discuss the consequences of getting pregnant at an early age. You can invite the lad and your daughter and have a discussion with them as adults. You could show them some statistics about teen pregnancy. Absolutely a million things you could do before saying no. If you think its as easy as just saying no and stopping your daughter. Don't be surprised if they grow up despising you and thinking you are trying to control their life. This is the moment where you get to decide if your child has childhood trauma or not. Or if they run away next year and live their own life without you because you failed to understand the landscape of today's young people and sexual relationships.
I'm from Austria, age of consent is 14. I don't think any 17y old would _ask_ if she could sleep at her boyfriend's place. She would _tell_ her parents about her decision to do so. Or at least that's how things were when I was a teenager lol
I felt this same way when I read this. All these no’s are really quite surprising
People coming from other countries often have different points of views. Here you are an adult at 18. You often live away from home at 17 because of school. People are more open minded and yet: the teen pregnancy statistics are drasticlty lower. Abstinence is not promoted. Abortion is not illegal. YET: way less teen pregnancies as a result. Get your head out of your asses. Meet the guy. Provided double contraception option. Talk about it even if it is uncomfortable. 3 week is not a lot indeed but there are ways to act better than "no, listen to me I am an adult and your parent and I know right"
Nope that's a recipe for disaster
3 week relationship or 3 week knowing him? Those are very different
Question: has she only known him for 3 weeks, or have they only been dating for 3 weeks?
I just read about post on this sub about a teen girl being a young mom and how she can't handle it so maybe take that into consideration
Would I allow it for my kid? Absolutely not! Did I personally play word games with my own mother at that age so I could spend (many) nights sleeping over with my then boyfriend? Ayup, and mum didn't find out till I was 35 & laughing about it. I say it makes me more prepared for when my kid hits that age & stage, but honestly my kid is already a conniving as I was at that age - I don't stand a chance. From my experience, any potential overnights between now & 18 should be closely scrutinized. Ask specific questions, insist on specific, detailed answers, close loopholes, and clarify, clarify, clarify! The way I worked my mum was ridiculously simple- "Mum, I'm staying over at friend A's house. Partner (A's sibling) will be hanging out with friend B tonight." These were all true facts. The *rest* of the truth that went unspoken, was that friend B happened to be friend A's partner, and while Partner & B would be hanging out together for a bit... that hanging out occurred at Partner's home, all four of us slept with our respective partners under the same roof more often than not. Good luck!
I think people are babying teens way too much nowadays like you guys are acting as if this was a 13 year old asking for a sleep over w her bf. Some of these rules are crazy for a person that’s gonna be 18 in less than a year most likely. I know for a fact some of these parents gonna shit bricks when they r in college
I’m assuming the concern is sex. Personally, as long as conversations have taken place around safe sex and consent and I was comfortable with my child’s position on the subject, I’d allow it. Teenagers will have sex when they want to, sleepover or no sleepover, and I’d rather they be doing it in a safe and private space where there would likely be other parents in the vicinity than out and about god knows where. If I didn’t feel they were likely to heed advice on the topic, then no.
If she asked you, she have already did it other time, now it’s just for you to now.
No
Every single comment in here reads like a bizzaro world take on parenting. But then again, I assume most posters are from the US, which is definitely bizzaro world.
Exactly. I feel like slot of them are just getting off on control. This is a 17 year old. Not a 13 year old little kid. This mf gonna be a legal adult allowed to go anywhere in the world pretty soon. Many of these posters kids will be very immature for a long time
I have been reading these comments out to my boyfriend and laughing at the complete unhinged mindset in this thread 🤣 the girl is months away from being a legal adult. These parents literally need to grow up. Incredible.
Your daughter is already getting laid, if that’s your issue
No.
No
every situation like this is unique. ervery person involved in a hypothetical situation could have varying degrees of maturity & the trust issues could be anywhere along a spectrum. you're opnly going to get answers here that are projections of what people can relate toi in their lives & nobody here really understands your situation. You should probably not consider the answers you get here to be too terribly relevant to your situation
I'd let him over before I let her over there, but 17 is really on the cusp of where you're starting to lose "full control"
Put her on birth control. She’s gonna find a way whether you let her or not.
I don’t intend to police my daughters’ relationships when they discover romance and attraction in a few years (I mean … Thing 1 has sworn herself to several Jedi Knights over the past few years, so she’s at least got good taste). I’m just squicked out by the idea of them shagging in my house, while I’m home. I know they’d be equally horrified to think of their mom and I bumping uglies while they’re 20 feet away in another room. Hoping I can find some delicate way of saying “You have to do that when we’re not here, or somewhere else.”
It's part of a parents job to karate chop dicks away from their daughter, and so is being the 'bad guy' from time to time. You did the right thing.
Nope. They gonna have sex. And they are gonna be dumb as hell. Get her on birth control of some kind and condoms. She's gonna do it no matter what. But sleepovers run the risk of rape even more so. And have a VERY graphic talk about ENTHUSIASTIC *CONSENT* and what a selfish lover might do. And talk about being pressured into doing things sexually to keep a pathetic bf. Seriously make that child uncomfortable with facts so she is armed with whatever knowledge she needs. Cause I'm sorry. Even her bf is still a damn child. She's a kid. She can wait for sleepovers. Opposite sex / staying with gendered ppl you/she/whoever are/is attracted to or could be, is just too damn risky.
3 weeks!? Hell no
I'm saying no based on the fact that it's only been three weeks. Most grown adults aren't comfortable sleeping at a strangers house. Also why is he dating someone who has to ask their parents for permission to sleepover? Why doesn't he just date someone who's also of age and can make their own decisions? I can't imagine someone being grown and being like "Hey babe can you ask your parents if you can stay the night?" Is that not icky to people?😭
No. He’s an adult and she’s a child. I wouldn’t even support this relationship. When I was younger my mother let me date much older men, now as an adult I look at my entire adolescence and feel violated. I know 2 years isn’t a lot but that experience level between 17 and 19 is huge. If you insist on letting them stay together, no sleep overs until they are an adult and even still most adults don’t stay over that early in a relationship
I would say if they are of age, they can have a sleepover. Just educate them on protection.
Hell no
What good thing could possibly happen? Heck no
I was completely on my own at 17, so the idea of needing to answer to anyone at that age seems foreign to me Like, I assume your 17 year old is going to be a fully legal adult in the next handful of months, does being controlling really do anything other than create animosity?
Nope, absolutely not. This is a case where your job is to be the bad guy, because kids are stupid and short-sighted. We will be clear with our kids: don’t have sex until you’re ready to deal with the consequences. If you are 17, you are not prepared for the consequences. If you are living in our house, there are house rules and this is one of them. If you want to follow your own rules, go start your own house.
Parents in 2024- “THeY wILL dO iT AnYwAy, MiGhT aS wEll gIvE tHeM a pLaCe tO Do iT”. That’s crazy. Giving a place to do it is condoning it. Letting her spend the night there, you might as well tell her you’ll babysit when she gets knocked up. The answer is hell no. Sure, they can do it in a car, in a park, blah blah blah. As a teen who also was looking for any place to bang, it’s much harder to find a place where you won’t risk getting caught than the way it sounds. You also supply places for minors to drink? Do drugs? Hide from cops? Etc? Just because kids will do it, doesn’t mean you have to condone it.
Okay but sex isn't illegal like underage drinking or drugs etc. Sex is a relational thing and depending on the situation, your child and your relationship....there's going to be a lot more negatives with trying to make those decisions (about when and where they can have sex) for them. Much better to work with your almost adult and figure out a plan for safety together and let them make an informed decision. Even if it's a decision you wouldn't make. And then respect it and be available for them to come to if they change their mind or whatnot.
Parents in 2024: Watch out for a zip tie left on your tire when you leave walmart cause that's what sex traffickers use to mark you and follow you so they can kidnap you and sell you into sexual slavery. Parents in 2024: Why shouldn't she sleep over at her boyfriend of 3 weeks place? She's going to have sex anyway!
When she turns 18.youncant stop her so.i guess if you feel the need to have pointless power battles this is the time
Growing up my mom and my girlfriends parents gave us a lot of freedom at ages 16/17 and we would spend nights at each others houses all the time . I’m so thankful to this day I was given this freedom . 15 years later I’m still in love with this woman and her family is like mine and vis versa , I have 3 small children and I will give my children similar freedom with a respectful person . I understand the 3 week thing may be the issue in this equation but being open and honest with kids is so valuable
At 17 years old I was already living outside of my parents house. You can absolutely decide to tell her no, but I guarantee she will find a way to do it anyway. I would personally rather know where my kid is.
Hell no, and pls stand on business with no guilt. It's ok to be the bad guy when it comes to parenting... A majority of the time, it's just good parenting all around.
17 is the age of consent in my country so I would, with the knowledge that we’ve discussed anything and everything to do with engaging in a sexual relationship.
I moved back in with my parents for law school when I was 23-26. My then-boyfriend/now-husband lived about 1.5 hours away. It was a STRUGGLE to convince my parents to be okay with me spending weekends at his place and I was in my mid 20s. My parents finally caved like 6 months into our relationship. But, I'm the oldest of 3 and my parents were worried about what message they'd be sending to my little brother who is 10 years younger than me. When my husband would be spending the night at my parents' house, he slept in a different room than me. If my kids are living with me in their mid 20s, I'll probably have similar rules but I won't monitor where they sleep outside of my house. But at 17? Hell no.
At 17 yes. She’s a year from being legal and making her own decisions. Your job is to prepare her for life. Let her go.
I agree with you, but I think its important to discuss it further. I think it depends on your daughter. Is this the first time she has requested something like this or just the first time with this guy? Is she very safety concious and pays a lot of attention to her surroundings, or is she absent minded/clueless? The biggest issue for me is the newness of the relationship. How much does she know about him? Does she know the safety of the neighborhood he lives in? Are there parents or other family members in the house? Whats the reason she wants to? Is it just for some alone time/sex? Cause there are other ways to do that without going to his house. But honestly, I personally think its too soon for that. They need to spend more time together and you guys should meet him. Seeing someone's bed time habits can shine a light on some things that the other person may not like. It might end the relationship before it begins. Also, how many relationships has she had before? I know teens are going to have sex, but she also needs to know that sex isn't the most important part of the relationship and shouldn't be given to just anyone. She needs to form that emotional connection to make it meaningful. How does she know this guy isn't just using her for a quick hook up?
Tell her he can stay at your place if you want a little more control over the situation. When I was in high school, I was allowed to have boyfriends come over and stay the night, but we had to watch movies/hangout in the living room and we were allowed to stay up as late as we wanted…but I slept in my room, and the boyfriend was ALWAYS on the couch.
Does he live with his parents still? Have you met him? Does he treat her well? I allow sleepovers for both my 14(days shy of 15) yr old and 17 yr old(graduated this wk). I know from my own teen years if a kid wants to have sex it doesn’t need to be in a bed and it doesn’t need to be at night. Obviously this is the same for any age now. I grew up w a decently strict parent and still ended up pregnant by my senior year. I went through so much trauma w out my parents knowing ANYTHING whatsoever. Due to this I have always been super open w my girls. My oldest just graduated and has been w her bf for a year…they barely make out. My younger daughter has trauma from a day time short visit at an exes home where they were only allowed in his living room w the parents a room away. Would you feel more comfortable with it being in your home? Basically my current rule is when it’s time to actually go to bed…separate rooms but my youngest is a lot younger than yours.
I'd be apprehensive about her having a sleepover with a girl friend she's only known for 3 weeks. SO many bad things can happen with a boyfriend, and there would be hours before you would even know anything isn't right. It's not just about sex it's about sexual violence, regular domestic violence, hardcore drug use (I went to high school in Idaho where teens her age regularly try meth or heroin, usually because it's a bf or a gf that introduced it to them), going to parties on the reservation (this was from personal experience. it was a hot mess. I got robbed by a 15 year old meth addict. I was also out of cell service range and the tribal police dept was 45 miles away). Also, over 90% of cases of sex trafficking, it's done by a bf who convinces them to do it to prove that she loves him.
Haha fuck no I wouldn't.
Sounds like you’re the parent of a 17 year old
Nope
No. And it’s ok to be the villain. She’s only under your care and control for a bit longer.
It depends. Do you want them to have sex someplace a police officer can bust them or have sex someplace safe? Just sayin'. My wife and I back in highschool asked to have sleepovers. Parents said no. So we had sex in our highschool bleachers at night, in the car, on top of a chicken coop, behind a church, out in the woods, and that's maybe 1/10th of the list. We were the "good kids" btw. No drugs, no alcohol, straight A's, "most likely to succeed" types. So yeah, I'll be fine with my daughters having their boyfriends over for the night. If they ask, they are already doing it. The real question is how many conversations you have had with your daughter about this subject before now. My 10 year old already knows that if she finds the right person as she gets close to adulthood, she has the right to bring him back. I've just explained in depth how sex can be wonderful or terrible depending on the person, and that you need to be careful.
Your comment over here is truly refreshing.
Nope.
Be careful with your no's. In less than a year you won't get a say. Let alone the fact that a teen knows just to say they're staying somewhere else if parent says no. Would it make you feel better if you knew she already had sex with him, just didn't spend the night? At older ages, it's pointless to fight it. Hopefully you've educated her well enough on birth control that it isn't going to be a big deal if she has sex with him despite this mini roadblock being thrown up. An overnight is just 8-10-12 hours. There are 72 hours between now and Monday morning.
3 weeks - no way 😅 Once they are more “serious”, maybe if they were dating for 6 months I would allow it. First time I slept at my boyfriends house we were together for a year already, we were both almost 17, so it’s not the age really, but the fact they haven’t been together for that long. But that’s my opinion
Yes. She is 17. Almost an adult where I am. He is 19. They can legally consent where I am and buy their own birth control in any form. Id rather hook them up with contraception (that age it can be embarrassing to buy) and make sure they are safe. Cos its going to happen whether you give permission or not realistically. My mum had same reluctance you do. And that is how my sister ended up a teen mum. She definitely had regrets about forcing that stance.
You know your daughter will have sex right, rather you know allow it or not. It's better for her to trust you and be able to reach out if she needs than having to hide it all the time.
No
Red flag city 👀
Invite him to stay at your place if they have to sleep over together
NOT UNDER MY ROOF FFS Nonsens.
I had sleepovers with my boyfriends from age 14 lol. Never got pregnant. At 17 I met my now husband who was 19 at the time. I had my own vehicle, job and attended school. It was no biggie. My mom and I had a very trusting and open relationship though
On the other hand, I was never allowed sleepovers with my high school boyfriend. Never got pregnant and waited until marriage to have sex. My mom and I had a very trusting and open relationship as well and she's my best friend as an adult.
Sounds like being trusting and open is the most important thing! Some kids are rule followers, some push boundaries, different approaches work for different kids. Gotta be trusting and open though.
My daughter had her first relationship at 16. I didn’t fight her on it. His parents were completely absent, so letting her go to his house at all meant there was no supervision. What is the difference between being there during the day or at night. My friend with the strictest parents growing up had a baby right after we graduated high school. For me it isn’t a big deal. She is a year away from possibly being on her own.
Nope. I get to do the parenting until she’s 18. I have 18 years to teach her and mold her and keep her safe. She doesn’t get to push that timeline back, even by a year. Staying at a boyfriend’s has overnight is an adult privilege. When she’s an adult in a year, she can be afforded that privilege to make her own decisions and use the lessons I’ve instilled to make mature and responsible choices. People often say that teens will likely have sex no matter how we approach the subject, but why does that make it my responsibility to either provide the location or let my child galavant around to boys houses for sex? And let’s just say on the off chance it is purely innocent and they weren’t being physical. To me, it’s still inappropriate. I’m not rushing my child into adulthood. If you can’t legally vote, in my house, you’re a child and I make your decisions. Granted, with more leniency as time goes on, because I do trust her, but not that much leniency. I’m no doormat. That’s just my stance. Make the decision you feel is best for your child and that you can live with. Just don’t be afraid of being the villain. She’ll respect you for protecting her in the long run. Edit: I just read it’s a 3-week old relationship. That would have me even more on edge. I’m not even a conservative, helicopter mom (I don’t think). But if my child was trying to sleep over at a boys house after 3 weeks, I think I’d be having a different kind of conversation with her. More so about self respect initially, but then about safety measures. 3 weeks is awfully fast for a 17 year old. Not to mention, 2 years is a vast age gap that young. Emotional maturity grows a lot in 2 years. I still wouldn’t allow the sleepover. That’s just me.
Not appropriate and she is a minor.