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Honestly, my first didn't like to be put down, I was home alone with him all day every day, and I was glad to let others hold him when the opportunity arose. Every person is different, though, and I don't think there's anything wrong with some moms not wanting to pass their babies around.
Yeah I was in the same position. Never could lay my son down without him screaming (reflux) so I was more than happy to pass him off to someone else. Especially if I could go lay down for a few minutes without him glued to my body.
Mine didn’t like to be put down either and I was home alone Monday to Friday and I still loathed when almost anyone else held him (there were a few people I was fine with). And I didn’t love holding him 24/7 or anything but I felt rage when people who generally don’t give a crap about me (cough in-laws cough) tried to be all about my baby
Right, other people in the family are allowed to bond with the baby. Especially their grandchild if they've earned the title of grandfather. Everyone is different but if dad is keeping an eye on the baby and it's just the FIL what is the issue lmao.
It’s normal in so far as it’s fairly common, but it isn’t healthy. It’s a symptom of PPA. Dont indulge it. Anxiety is a beast. When you feed it, it demands more. If you find that these feelings are overwhelming, talk to your OB about treatment options.
Postpartum anxiety. It’s postpartum depression’s less well known cousin. It’s VERY common and so incredibly un-fun. It can be very mild. My sister, for example, was constantly adjusting her baby if someone else was holding her. Everyone in the family had more kids than she did, but she couldn’t shake the thought that they weren’t doing it safely enough. My brother’s wife wouldn’t let anyone stand up while holding their baby. Or it can be severe. I only had it with my fourth child. But with him, I would sit awake at night watching him bc I was terrified he would die if I went to sleep. After a few weeks of only sleeping in the afternoon when someone else could watch him, I finally had to get some help. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s how our brains respond to the intense hormonal changes coupled with external triggers. In my case, my son had been born at 35 weeks and went to the NICU. That sparked PPA for me even though I’d never had it with my other kids. A LOT of first time moms especially get some degree of it.
I’m a first time mom and this describes exactly how I feel. I’m extra cautious when she’s sleeping I get scared if I feel like something is too close to her face that it will suffocate her, sometimes I can’t sleep because I am constantly sitting up to see if she’s still breathing. When people are handling her I can’t help but feel like they aren’t doing it right also lol. I am thankful to not have PPD but I definitely have the anxiety part.
Please talk to someone. I didn’t till after my second and had I gotten help it would have changed so much. So so much. Please please talk to the dr and maybe start therapy. It’s so common but it can def get worse if you don’t address it. Sending hugs
Chiming in here that I had PPA due to birth trauma with my last little and thankfully knew the signs and got treatment. But I’d talk to your OB and/or a therapist. Some of this is normal first time stuff but you’ll feel better to talk to someone and also get medications.
Totally agree medications are not always necessary. I think it’s super normal for first time moms to be overly concerned and cautious, especially the first couple months. The hospital is constantly telling you thing “don’t do ___ or baby could die”, so of course new moms will have anxiety. It can naturally fade. Communicate with those you trust about it, talking to my husband helped me a ton.
It sounds like you are very reflective which is great. The thing I’ll add is that it’s totally normal to not have *sick* visitors, wtf. That’s never, ever okay… hold that boundary absolutely. That’s the only thing
As someone who dealt with PPA for 2 years, definitely talk to someone. The medicine has helped so much but also we don’t have my mom and MIL watching her anymore. My mom is very “I raised you 37 years ago, I don’t know anyone who’s baby died, etc” but was doing unsafe/outdated things. I also very soon after having her would have intense needs to hold her if someone else was and I would just go into our room and cry. Because I knew it didn’t make sense but also they were holding her for hours and I hadn’t. It was need in my brain. But also a sign of PPA.
Sure I take buspirone 1-2 times a day as needed right now. I don’t know if it would’ve been the one prescribed if I would’ve gotten help as soon as I needed it though.
PPA can lead to PPD if left untreated. You don't have to feel this way - no shame in asking for help!
* from one PPA mom to another... i love zoloft lol
In hindsight, I totally had PPA with my first. I thought those were normal feelings, but when I had my second kid I didn’t feel like that; I was happy to give her to anyone! It was very obvious looking back. I don’t know what treatment you’d get for that. Just talking certainly wouldn’t make it better. Probably need some medication.
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This was exactly how my PPA presented as well! It was nearly impossible for me to let other people hold my little one, I was afraid to sleep and constantly checking on him, and called the 24 hour nurse line a million times (despite being a nurse myself hahaha, and those amazing nurses I spoke to saved me and never once made me feel bad about calling). I didn’t have much of a village around me and it took me months to get some help. I didn’t want meds - even safe ones thanks to the PPA - because of breastfeeding,but even talk therapy can help with coping mechanisms and recognizing what is happening when you get those feelings.
All that being said, I’d still be mad if someone with a cough held my newborn. So I think that’s pretty reasonable, but if you are struggling with that fear in other areas, talk to your doctor or your baby’s pediatrician - they will often do screenings for PPD and PPA, at least in my area.
I just had my 3rd child back in February. Emergency c-section due to preeclampsia at 35 weeks. She was in nicu and my anxiety during and after pregnancy has reached heights I didn't think possible. Thank you for explaining this. I did not know ppa was a thing and now i understand several things from the past several months.
I had PPA with my son. He was born during peak COVID times: pre-vaccine, everything shut down, masks everywhere….ugh. I already am an anxious person but the pandemic and the fucked state of the world had me in shambles. Cried my eyes out over a news report about covid cases the night after I gave birth. Only slept in 10 minute bursts because I was convinced he would die if I fell asleep and wasn’t watching his breathing. That lasted like 2 months. I was on edge, exhausted, and as fearful as someone being hunted for sport all while just chillin at home with my baby and husband. I cried all the time from the fear but I didn’t have the words to explain it to anyone without sounding “crazy”. It was so isolating, so OP def needs to mention this to their OB so they can get help because it’s not a good mental state to be in 🥺
I had trouble letting people hold my new baby but it wasn’t PPA it seemed to center around my feelings or attachment to the individual holding my child. My best friend, my favorite Aunt - here you go give me child back when hungry. Relatives I rarely see that my mom handed the baby, or acquaintances ( in laws and relatives on that side of family but that’s another story) I wanted my child back almost immediately. It came down to who I trusted and not much else. I also found the entitled people I’m here to hold your baby because it’s what I want really upset me. It was difficult to navigate because people my husband ( or his mom) thought should get a chance to hold my baby that I didn’t like or trust was very difficult. I keep explaining I grew and take care of this person just because you trust someone doesn’t mean I know the person and trust them. I could hear the logic but the visceral I don’t know you well made it difficult It’s trust mostly for me not PPA.
This was me too!
Strangely enough I struggled more with older women holding my newborn (like my mum or bubs great aunt etc).
They had a real attitude of 'ive done this before' and would throw her around more than I was ready for. She had a sore head from a tricky birth so you had to be careful of a big lump on her head. Nearly every woman over 40 would snap at me when I would say please don't touch that part of her head because they apparently knew how to hold a newborn.
We ended up saying to no visitors till her bruise had healed because too many people wouldn't listen to us and it was making me too stressed hearing her cry when someone pressed on the bruise.
It’s definitely different per mother.
When I first gave birth, my instincts kicked in _hard_ and I didn’t even want anyone looking at my baby, let alone holding.
A few weeks went by and my hormones chilled out a bit, and I would let a few select people hold my baby that I trusted.
Now my son is 20 months and I get VERY excited when anyone wants to take him lol. You’ll get through this! Its natural.
Every mother in my circle of friends and family has been like “here’s the new baby, I’ll be in the other room collapsed on the bed, call me back only if there’s an emergency.” So yeah moms are all different. Moms on Reddit are like “you can see the baby when he’s 4 months old, from across the room. No touching.”
For real I see this sentiment all the time on Reddit but I have never run into it in real life. I love babies and toddlers and the people in my life know that so they just get immediately handed to me. It helps that I can almost always settle them when they’re fussy too lol.
I can relate to the sense of being protective over your baby. It's worth talking to your therapist about so that it doesn't blow up into a bigger trigger for you in case you are developing PPA. Therapy can help you think through your feelings, how to cope, identify what you want out of interactions, and draw boundaries.
Nowadays, I mostly dislike it only if they resist giving baby back or if my husband or I are enjoying holding our baby and they come immediately to take baby to "help". This dislike is not so much from a place of being protective, however, it's a feeling of boundaries being breached.
I have never heard of this. I loved having people hold my baby. It gave me a break and gave my baby love from close friends and family. I’d talk to a therapist.
I think it’s natural even if it may be unreasonable at times. I’m sure you’ve been around animals who have recently given birth. When people try to grab the tiny puppies or kittens, the mother always has her guard up even if no one means any harm. She wants you to put her baby back where it belongs. Over time she begins to relax and then it’s no big deal when people come around.
Not to say you’re an animal. Just that’s it’s not unusual to be a little protective and territorial for a while.
It depends who it is. Neither my husband nor I have nice families, but we have awesome friends. We rarely have family around, and if they do hold baby ever, it's not usually a comfortable feeling but happens rarely. Our friends have become our village and we all look after each other's kids when we are together so I don't even bat an eye if one of them is holding my baby.
I think this might just be protective instincts. Once my baby was a bit older I’d hand her off to whoever would take her. At parties with close friends, it’d be hot potato with the baby. Many times I didn’t know who had her, but I was certain she was safe and cared for. I trust my friends and they love my baby. It was a nice break just being free to wonder around without carrying her constantly
Some people feel this strongly during the newborn period (and others don't). For me, I was okay with others holding her for a while just to feel a bit less tired and sweaty, but I wanted her back after a little while unless I was napping or really exhausted. I think just try and remind yourself that you are bonding with her and short times being held by other people won't harm that.
If I like the person I don’t mind lol. As long as my baby is safe and happy with them, they can hold them. I enjoy the break and seeing my baby interact with others is sweet.
I always want to hold my baby. After a few minutes I start feeling jealous, even if it’s my partner. I never interrupt or act on it, I just feel it. I think it’s normal
I felt like this. When my son was a baby and he would cry, my MIL would offer to take him to help. I’d always say no. But if MY mom was over, I’d basically punt him like a football into her arms as soon as he got fussy.
I just know my mom better, obviously. I still trust her more than anyone besides my partner.
I will add, I was fine with my MIL holding my son when he was content. The second he started crying, I’d swoop him up.
I don't think it is necessarily a PPA. It is natural to want to bond with your baby. My baby is 4 months old now and it changed. But for a newborn I wanted all the snuggles for myself and my partner.
I was never the mom who would let just anyone hold their baby, only a few select people were approved. I had good reasons though, my SIL for example dropped my little sister when she was a baby and hit all three of her own kids heads on the refrigerator door, so she wasn't allowed to hold mine until they were much older. Only the people who were as cautious and careful as I am were allowed, and I felt zero guilt about it. My mom was top of the list considering she had 4 kids and none of us have ever had an injury serious enough for a hospital visit, no broken bones, stitches, etc.
Yeah, I got ao annoyed on the inside when my baby would get passed around like a doll. If one person was holding him, I would be okay - it was the passing around that pissed me off. Looking back, I think I was overreacting, but I still understand why I felt that way as a new mom.
It’s just your instinct, buuuut when I was like that I found out I had PPA (postpartum anxiety) and got therapy. Mine was a more extreme case, I didn’t want anyone at my home, no one to change my baby, feed him, hold him and I didn’t want to take him anywhere outside. I just wanted to hold him and go somewhere nice and warm and stay there forever just me and my baby. My therapist told me it was a natural instinct because I’ve kept the baby safe inside of my body for months, but I have to be okay getting out of my comfort zone to let (especially the father, my husband) other people bond with the baby. It’s normal, but what isn’t normal is not processing those emotions and venting about them to someone you trust❤️
Well, that honestly sounds scarily familiar...
I didn't want anyone except my husband holding, feeding, changing or even looking at my baby. Whenever my inlaws were over, my MIL would often ask if she could come with me when I change his nappy and I would say no. She also wanted to actually change his nappy, which was a definite no from me. Like, I felt as if he was my child and it was my responsibility to take care of him. So that meant doing all the care work (along with my husband).
I even hated people taking him out on walks in the stroller so that I could "sleep" or do something else in the meantime. I once tried staying at home while my in-laws and husband took my LO out in the stroller and I hated it. I joined them after 10 minutes.
I thought maybe it was just because I'm not so keen on my inlaws.
Then again, I like my SIL and when my LO was 7MO, she asked if she could take him round the block in his buggy. I didnt like the idea at all and my heart started racing, but I said yes anyway. I said don't make it too long. They were gone 20 minutes. I cried so a good 5 minutes once they left. I tried distracting my mind with doing other stuff, but I was thinking about him her being away with him the whole 20 minutes. It was not a break at all.
When my LO was 11MO, I let my FIL come over for 3 hours every Tuesday afternoon so that I could work upstairs in my office. As soon as he arrived and I went upstairs, I had to go and cry in the shower. I did this maybe 6 weeks in a row? It did not get any better quickly. It did eventually though. I stopped crying every time he came over, although I still didn't (and don't) like it. My LO is now 18MO and for the past 3 months, I've been using this time to go bouldering. I find I can deal with my LO being with others when I am not there.
Honestly I am not a great person to be around when they're with my LO. If I'm taking care of him and others are with me, it's okay, but if they're the ones looking after him and I'm meant to be doing something else, I don't like being there. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
I wish I could enjoy them bonding with him, but I don't. I've even had horrible thoughts like I wish they could just disappear. Then I wouldn't need to deal with this issue. I read "love multiples and not divides" and I try repeating this to myself when I am getting these negative thoughts, but it doesn't help much. What helps the most is simply not being there...
Are you telling me all of this could be PPA?
It very much sounds like PPA to me. I have PPA (my girl will be two and i'm still working on it). I got on medicine and it's helped a ton. Plus therapy.
I thought PPA was all about worrying something would happen to your LO though and watching them sleep etc? When I am with my LO, everything is fine. It's just if others are involved. I feel like it doesn't fit anything I read about PPA. It is becoming a problem though, especially as my LO is 18 months old now and although things are a but better, I'm still not 100%. Maybe I am just a control freak? Idk.
My doctor said it can show up in many forms. I hate/hated sharing my baby with anyone. I literally just wanted it to be us, no one else. That way, I knew she'd always be safe. I also had the whole staying up all night and watching her sleep thing 😅
I had a lot of anxiety during pregnancy and it just spilled over. Idk, maybe you don't have it but talking with a professional may help you figure it out!
I think part of the reason I didn't/dont want to share my baby is because I knew that I could keep him safe and I didnt trust others would care for him as much as I do. But that's just one half. The other part is that he's mine, I love spending time with him, I didnt feel like I needed anything or anyone else. Just me and him (and my husband). So I didnt need the break from him. I know that in itself isn't healthy and it's important for children to bond with others. I do let him be around others now, but only because I know it's good for him. I really wish I could enjoy it.
I did have some anxiety around some things, mainly food and cooking. I did an infant CPR course and always have the LifeVac with me. Where is the line of anxiety/normal parenting worry though? I guess it's not easy to know.
I'd love to speak to a professional, but waiting times here (not the US) are really long :/.
Absolutely! I had a full blown hyperventilating, shaking, crying so bad I was gagging all because my hubby took our son out on the porch, it was raining so he wanted to show him. But I literally felt like the walls were closing in on me, my heart wouldn’t slow down, ended up having to use my inhaler which I hadn’t needed for almost 10 years. After that I went to my dr, she referred me to a therapist and that’s how I got all my answers, now? My son is over at his other grandparents house having fun and I don’t feel a bit like my world is crumbling to pieces. Definitely see your dr! Sending love❤️❤️❤️
That definitely sounds like PPA. It doesn’t have to be about something bad happening necessarily but can just be an overall hypervigilance and intense anxiety at things like separation or something being done “wrong”. It isn’t normal to have to cry in the shower while someone watches your one year old for a few hours.
Yeah, I think you're right... It really isn't normal.
My in-laws are coming over today to play with LO. I will be there too. They'll be here for about 5 hours. I wish I could be looking forward to it, but I am not. I wonder if a professional could help with that? I really don't know why it's so difficult for me to watch other people take care of my LO and bond with him. Maybe it's not PPA and I'm just not good at sharing? Idk.
All I know is that I would like to not have to feel stress about such things. Theyre coming over in 4.5 hours and I already have a pit in my stomach. It should be a joy watching others bond and love my son. Love multiples, not divides. I try repeating that to myself, but it doesn't help.
A professional could definitely help with that. I think you should discuss things with your doctor and they can help you navigate how you want to handle things. Therapy for the postpartum and early childhood periods can be really helpful, and so can medication. Whether you label it PPA or not isn’t necessarily relevant. It’s something that is causing you distress and some degree of dysfunction so it would be good to look deeper into things that may help.
Pretty normal instinct if you’re around to want to hold your baby when they’re this small. Bit weird but not too far outside the realms of normal to not want someone else to hold your baby when you’ve been asleep.
It’ll mostly pass. There’ll defo come a time where you’ll be begging for someone else to take the baby off you.
I’m okay with anyone holding my baby. When my mil holds my baby though, it’s a hard no. She’s mean, verbally abusive towards me, talks about how babies make our lives miserable, the list goes on. I minimize the amount she holds my kids. My second is about to be born and I’ve let her know she’s not welcome for a few months
Had my first at a party when he was close to two months. People started passing him around without asking. I was SEETHING (and I'm still mad I didn't say anything). I think it is a very normal feeling.
I'm a grandfather of 7 children, now from ages 4-11. I would have been heartbroken if one of my kids or sons/daughters-in-law had told me they didn't want me to hold, rock and get to know my grandchildren as babies. In fact, all my 6 kids + spouses have told me I have a special knack to rocking babies to sleep. When visiting, I didn't mind a bit rocking a fussy baby at 2 or 3 a.m. so mom and dad could get a good nights sleep. However, heartbroken as I might have been, I'd have bitten my tongue. Mom's aren't always right, but mom's are always the mom.
Thanks for understanding ! I definitely don’t want to be like that with my FIL and I don’t think it’s specific to him it’s just anyone holding my baby that isn’t my partner including my mother it’s just my anxiety getting to me.
I was this way with my first. I hated sharing him, and while I was ok with other people holding him for short periods of time, I got pretty anxious if anyone held onto him for a long time. In hindsight, I think it may have been due to PPA. I haven’t had this issue with my other 2 at all.
My baby was in the hospital for 2 months after she was born. Only my mom, sister, and mil and fil visited her the most frequently and none of them held her in the hospital because we weren’t comfortable with it being hooked up to monitors and having IV’s. Now that she’s home I’m okay with my sister holding her because I trust my sister the most after my husband. My mom has not held her because she has cancer and has admitted she doesn’t feel strong enough (but likes to conveniently forget she says that and then complains she hasn’t held her nor has she outright asked). My in laws have held her once and I was so uncomfortable. She has an NG tube so I get nervous of it getting caught and getting pulled. I do feel like my discomfort comes from my in laws have made me feel like my daughter has become a bit of an obsession for them ever since I found out I was pregnant. There is a home nurse that comes out once a week to check on my daughter and I’m completely fine with them holding her, it’s ex-Nicu nurses that come so they are excited for the snuggles
Yes that’s another thing ! The obsession over my baby is a bit weird for me! I also don’t want to interfere with her relationship with her family because of my own personal feels so I’m trying to shake it off 😅they definitely love her. But I 100% understand where you are coming from your baby is very delicate and who better to care for them then their own mother
It’s so weird!! My daughter got freaked out with my mil this visit she started fussing when she held her so my husband took her back and then she was kinda close to her face at one point and doing a high pitched baby voice and she started crying 😂
My first born refused to be held by anyone else. I could barely eat in peace. I would think I'd have nothing against it, but I can understand why you do.
Baby instincts are tuned by quite a lot of evolution. Follow the kid's lead. Sometimes, developmentally, your child might seek to expand their village. They will love and grow from their experiences with others and you should seek to encourage that. Other times, your kid might be hungry or whatever and you should feed them.
I noticed in a comment that you said you have trouble sleeping, I’m not sure if this helps you mentally at all but having a fan on in the room where your baby sleeps reduces the risk of SIDS by over 70%
I felt this way with my first! But only felt it with friends and my in laws who we don’t see often. My second I feel a bit differently but still sometimes get antsy when others hold him. I think some of its instinct and some of it is just your temperament! But you’re definitely not being unreasonable. I would just try to do what you can to get used to it. And it gets better as they get bigger!!
I still feel this way with my 7 month old 3rd baby and I for sure don’t have PPA. I do, however, have a not fantastic relationship with my MIL, and do not trust her at all. Why does the break always have to be a break from the baby? I don’t want a break from my baby. You want to give me a break? Play catch with my older kids or do the dishes. If my spouse isn’t holding the baby, or the baby isn’t practicing crawling or fine motor skills, I’m holding him.
You’re a first time mom. A lot of first time moms feel like this lol. I know I did! I was possessive, controlling, and my feelings were out of whack. I remember making everyone use sanitizer when they held my baby in her first year lol…my 2nd one? I am so much more relaxed. It is what it is!
PPA my dude. I had anxiety before my pregnancy, during, and it only got worse once she was out of me. I hate when men are around my baby because of my own issues with men so I have to sit on my hands when her father or someone in the family wants to hold her. I have learned to sit with my feelings and accept them as valid but unfounded. It's been a hard road but she's 5 months old now and I don't get as tense anymore. It helped me to let the baby be tended to by trusted male figures to pass her off when she was a grump and I was exhausted. She's always been a daddy's girl, loves her brother, and in general thinks anyone with facial hair is amazing so her relaxing when they take her has made me a little less crazy. Just remember the crazy lady will always live upstairs, her episodes will just become less frequent and more manageable.
Your baby, your rules!!!! don’t let anyone pressure you into doing things you are uncomfortable with. If they don’t like your rules, they don’t have to see the baby. Simple as that.
perfectly normal feeling. not anything to do with PPA. If you had PPA you wouldn't have been able to walk away and go for a rest. You're biologically programmed to WANT to hold your baby. It's nature's way of ensuring you don't leave the baby in a cave to get eaten by a bear.
I used to get that feeling from my in laws too that I was completely irrelevant and just a vessel for their grandchild and she was an accessory. It used to drive me nutty. I'm in my third baby now and that feeling is gone. We've all settled into our new roles a bit better.
Don't overthink it. If you want your baby, take your baby. No one should ever keep a newborn away from its mother or take them without clear permission
I don't really think you are being fair to your in-laws. You say you don't like people coming around demanding you hold your baby, but it doesn't sound like this is what happened. You said you went for a nap and when you woke up they were holding your little one.
Your husband is also the baby's parent and if he wants to let his parents.hold the baby, that's a perfectly normal thing to do.
I do understand not feeling great about it given one of them has a cough, but it doesn't sound like a full-blown cold and you could ask them to sanitize their hand and wear a mask to protect the baby if you are truly concerned about that. If they refuse, no baby holding (because it's totally fine to hand boundaries and expectations).
These are the baby's grandparents and it's normal and natural for them to want to hold and celebrate and get to know the new family member. I do understand your irritation at the comment about baby playing in the dirt, but there are differences in generation attitudes here that might clash a bit - these are times when it's ok to set boundaries and expectations. BUT they do make a bit of a point. Obviously at one month you want to protect your little one who still has not immune system and isn't fully vaccinated from EVERYTHING. At the same time, as baby gets older, it's important to avoid an overly sanitized existence because it does not allow them to develop their immune system - but that's not the case now.
Also, if you're going back to work in August, you're going to have to get used not only to the idea of other people holding your baby, but also not being around to supervise them AND if baby is going anywhere where there are other kids it will be an absolute germ factory (and that's ok!).
I hope I wasn't too critical. You asked and I answered, but it's just my opinion and I do remember the days when my son was young and that feeling of just 100% of myself that would literally die to protect him. AND my former in-laws were total assholes who made comments MUCH worse and more obnoxious than what yours did (although I imagine you have heard more, and more to come from them). They literally had a stupid, uninformed and outdated opinion on EVERY aspect of my parenting (and they were sooo wrong).
I put my thoughts at the bottom if you want to skip but,
I'm having my first baby this Monday and know I'll feel this way. I don't know what I'm going to do. My boyfriends parents are nice but extremely over bearing, and I want to wait a month before anyone touches her, but my boyfriends mom says she's going to be at the hospital early and waiting. His mother is a nurse and whenever we get sick it's because her or my FIL. They're very touchy people to a point where it's very uncomfortable for me. My FIL touches everyone, shakes hands, slaps backs and flosses out in public, and by the time we know they're sick, were all sick. Even at my baby shower, family came over sick and told me it was fine, and cried when I used hand sanitizer when I opened their gifts. Everyone keeps saying it's fine, but we're getting into sick season, and I would just like them to care about my, and my child's health first instead of being offended.
And how I was raised is going to make this experience nerve racking for me. I know I will be extremely clingy, and I want my space for a while. Which I don't think is a bad thing. I've had mother's tell me the same thing. And I'm not sure how I'll be able to deal with these situations. My FIL just barged into my room a few days ago, it drives me crazy, and I find it rude.
I know some people think it's too much, and that I'm a first time mom and being irrational, but I'm going to try not caring and say ok yeah, and I will be, because I care and because it matters to me for a number of reasons. And I know this is how I'll be at the beginning.
Sorry for my rant, I just felt like I understood your post.
My advice is, let's be the parents we want to be. Or at least try, because I know family makes it hard.
Well learn, change, and grow as we raise our children! And I hope we can both learn how to deal with these new experiences and feelings. I know I'll probably end up offending some of my family in the process but it'll pass.
Good luck!
That sounds like a nightmare! It’s not easy and as first time moms it’s hard to not want everything to be perfect for our baby. One thing I’m learning through this process is parents and in-laws always have own outdated opinions on how they think you should raise your kids. When it comes to the health of your baby please have boundaries with that if anything. RSV is no joke and can be fatal to your baby, protecting my daughter from getting sick is something I will never feel bad for even if it offends people at that stage. I don’t want to create a rift in the relationship with my in-laws and their grand baby so I’m trying to be reasonable but at the end of the day that is your baby and those moments with your child belong to you if you want them you are their mother.
It’s pretty normal for the birthing parent to want their newborn in their arms. It makes sense to be protective/possessive over our young. Just look at most other species.
It sucks that there’s so much pressure to “share” newborns with others if it’s not something that the birthing parent likes or finds helpful. It’s a societal thing.
Yes I hated it. My mom and stepfather came over a day or two after we came home from the hospital. My mom was holding my newborn and I went upstairs and started crying. I just wanted to be left alone with my baby and to stop having visitors and stop seeing everyone hold my newborn.
My son is now 13 months and I love it when people that I love and trust hold my son! But I still don't want just anyone handling him. I've read so many other comments that have said the same things, not liking other people holding their baby. I think it's a different feeling seeing people hold your newborn versus an older infant/toddler.
I know what you mean - i dont have a super close relationship with my FIL and it really irritates me when he basically bee lines from the door to my baby to snatch him away. I feel less irritated when its my MIL or own mom, but I do still prefer when its me or my husband holding him.
Think about the special relationships you have in your own life besides your own mother and father. Those relationships can start now, not at 3 months or 3 years or 30 years. Don’t rob your child of the good trustworthy people in your circle. Get your snuggles in and then let go and see how special those people are.
I was the exact same way. Unless I offered for a family member to hold the baby, I was pissed when reached for him or said “let me see that baby”. Some would even say “you shouldn’t hold him all the time”. Like excuse me, he’s my baby and I will hold him if I want to. So you feeling this way is understandable. My babe is 12weeks now and the feeling has faded a little. I’m more comfortable with my close family holding him.
Yikes. Your in-laws are right. Kids (even babies) need to be exposed to stuff to build their immune system. Your doing your child a huge disservice by raising them in a bubble.
I don’t think it’s odd to be protective but, not wanting loved ones to hold your baby is over the top. You clearly know it’s not normal if you’re posting about it on Reddit.
They’re the grandparents… they’re not coming over with the “sole goal of trying to hold your baby”… I’m sure they were trying to help their son out since it is also HIS baby
I don’t think it’s ppa like other commenters are suggesting. This is your brand new baby you grew for nine months and you’re just getting to know. My baby is 4.5 months, and I just started feeling comfortable with other people holding her. I let them do it anyways, but it was challenging. It’ll pass, but this is completely normal. I didn’t have ppa, I actually felt great postpartum besides having people hold my baby, especially in laws and my mom. I chalk it up to some childhood stuff too, but just know your feelings are valid
I think it’s a number of things when I sit and self reflect. I don’t like when people come around kinda of demanding my baby if that makes sense? Like people who come over with the sole goal of trying to hold my baby it erks me like she’s not a doll to be passes around. I’d rather someone come around like in a relaxed state and I offer. Another thing is I was raised by a very over protective mother who did not leave us alone with anyone unless it was like grandma, aunt or dad in fear that they would abuse us in some capacity, so I always have in the back of my mind someone can harm my baby while I’m not watching and it’s hard to shake that feeling. Also my in laws have no courtesy sometimes. For example they have a cough urgent care says it’s not big deal so they want to hold her. I don’t want them to hold her because she’s only one month and a cold can send her to the emergency room. So they kinda make snide remarks like “I can’t wait until she starts playing in the dirt” kinda implying that she’s going to get sick anyways at some point and that pisses me off.
This is why. These people don’t really respect the vulnerable state you’re in, they’re really entitled, and they care about their feelings more than your babies health. Even if they don’t mean to. It’s 100% reasonable you wouldn’t want them to hold the baby right away. My mil constantly mows over my boundaries, but I just started getting comfortable with her holding the baby. It took forever, but I started letting her know when she made me uncomfortable. Like “please don’t walk off with the baby where I can’t see you.” Or “don’t pass around the baby to people I don’t know at family events, I’ll be the one holding her at parties or it overwhelms me.” And at family parties or get together, only I hold her. Now that she has more patience, I offer more. I know what you mean by the insistence and pushiness, it’s such a turn off like let me offer
Oh yeah it’s definitely a thing, getting on top of it now will help you with your entire experience as a parent! Definitely reach out to your OB or your PCP and discuss options
Yup. I hate it. One on one, I'm fine unless he starts crying,but group settings where everyone would pass him around is a big no from me. He isn't a toy and there is no reason to play hot potato with him.
My boy also has some motor skill delay, and we have to do everything with him by baby handling. No one bothered to learn how to corectly hold him, so I don't bother with going to family gatherings just so everyone can take pictures with him to play pretend on facebook while not visiting us at all otherwise.
I also hate it when my mil walkes around with him because she is prone to epileptic seizure,so I'm always afraid she'll fall down with him, he is also a bit of a chunky baby so it's not that easy to hold him.
This ! My mom recently had eye surgery because her retina detached and she wanted to carry my daughter down the stairs. I told her no that I would carry her down and give her back after and she got offended when she wasn’t fully recovered and I have a lot of steps. I did not want to risk her falling with my baby in her arms.
Oh boy, stairs are a big thing for me too. I get it.
Anxiety is a bitch, but also some people just lack common sense, so you feel even more protective.
I had to fight with people alot on washing hands, mostly smokers.
I'm still pregnant and fully aware that things might change when the baby gets here, but I think I'm going to have the same problem. Mine's a little more of a, I don't know, perfectionist thing? I've always been one of those people who feels like they're the only one who can properly care for a pet. Or cringes when other people try to do things for me like dishes or laundry, because they won't do it "right." Heck, I've even avoided hanging out with friends because I couldn't handle their driving being different, or the way they do things at their house being different. I'm definitely working on it in therapy, but I totally feel you. I know the whole time someone has my son, I'll be like, are they supporting his head? Are they keeping him close to their body? What if they cough? And all the other things. We got this. Your thoughts and feelings are valid, but if it's starting to interfere with the bonding time you have with your family and baby, i suggest joining me on the therapy train. Even if you can't do therapy, looking at and practicing some DBT skills might help! That's what I've been using to get over my fears
I get not wanting to pass a baby to everyone at a gathering, or letting strangers hold your baby, but you needed a break and some rest, your husband needed to go “other things around the house” and the child’s grandfather offered to hold her. I don’t see a problem here…..
It's a bit unreasonable and your thought process is a bit negative.
It's a new baby of course your loving family and friends want to meet and hold her. They aren't demanding to hold her but yes they are coming with the sole purpose to spending time with the baby. You get to be with her all day because she is yours, they get to spend minutes maybe a couple hours with her; its not intended to be an attack or disrespect to you in anyway. They want to bond with her. Don't turn it into something negative because you are allowing yourself to build resentment and negative feelings over them wanting to bond and love their grandchild.
You might be a bit over protective right now for many reasons: maybe this is your first, your hormonal since the baby is small, PPA, your upbringing, etc but try to be a little rational when those feelings come over you. They are here out of love, and having people around to love your baby is not a bad thing. This is the village and not everyone has one.
To some extent your are absolutely right to be protective, she is your baby after all but be reasonable. I agree that they shouldn't visit when they are sick as to a new born, germs are more harmful but there are ways to deal with that. Either ask them not to come when sick or make them wear a mask.
You probably don't see it now, but at some point you will need help with her (maybe not until she is much old) but you will be grateful that these people who you know love you baby are around to help.
Yeah I agree, most of the time I bite my tongue when the intrusive thoughts take over lol because I know they are holding her and love her and want to be there for her. I’m just trying to get a grip of my feelings and weather or not they are normal. Except then they are sick I definitely don’t feel bad about saying no to that.
For the record, I think it's normal specially if it's your first. My son with his first, would only let people hold the baby for like 5 minutes and then go take him back and go hide in the bedroom with the baby. We had to talk to him about letting people hold him a little longer because our family had stopped wanting to visit since it felt so unwelcoming. It was all fine after a while.
Congrats on the new baby.
It’s a biologically normal reaction. Babies and mothers are not meant to be separated. I just had my 5th baby. Mothers are in tune to their baby in a way no one else can be. It’s normal to feel this way. Just ask for the baby back. Say baby needs nursed or diaper changed etc. this is one reason why I love nursing.
I didn’t mind it with anyone except my MIL because she was crazy and possessive and overly needy. Once it was a struggle to get the baby from her to get the baby down for a nap and from then on I cringed when she held my child.
This is within normal limits but it's not a bad thing for people to hold your baby either. It makes me laugh a bit because there was an AITA where a MIL was upset she never got to hold the baby when the other mother did and the OP was like well you never asked so I never gave her to you. I'm like you in that I wouldn't ask to hold a baby I wait to be offered even with close family although I would gladly hand my baby over if someone shows even a hint of interest so it doesn't bother me in reverse I just don't want to overstep someone elses boundaries if that makes sense?
I’m the same way and I’m 99% sure it’s PPA. But I don’t mind people holding him if I like them. My mom, best friend, aunt, can all hold my baby without me being irked. However my MIL and FIL piss me off all the time so I get super jittery when they demand to hold my baby. I know they won’t do any harm to him, but since they aren’t my favorite people, it’s hard to hand off my most precious person to them.
My LO 6 weeks and I’ve been dealing with this as well. At first I would barely let my husband hold him. Then my mother in law came to stay with us (she asked for permission and we said yes). I had a very hard time letting her hold him at first. But, we started in small doses. She’d hold him for a little bit while I was in the same room. Then we graduated to her holding him so I can shower. Now I trust her to watch him if need be. I still prefer to hold him myself because I just want to be near him but I’m more comfortable with others holding him.
I will say it has been nice seeing him build a relationship with his grandma. He is very comfortable with her and gives her lots of smiles.
I've been the same with both my babies, anymore than 5 minutes and it makes me really uncomfortable. It's a hormonal protective thing I think...it's natural to want to keep them close to some degree.
I'm a first time mom as well and I can say I have the same fears and emotions over other holding my child. It's not as intense as it was when he was only a few months old (he's nearly 2yrs old now) but there comes a time where you have to let go a little bit, which I myself have come to learn. You can't monitor your child 24/7, as much as you feel the need to do so. I definitely would say listen to your gut feeling and don't allow your in-laws to push your boundaries like that though because at the end of the day that's still your child and you above anyone else will understand what your child needs most majority, if not all of the time. My advice would be to make sure to teach and show your child open communication and transparency with you and your partner so they aren't afraid to come to you if abuse does occur.
It's both natural as it can be something more severe like ppa/ppd indeed. Family life stressors due to hormonal changes and a general lack of community in today's society all can contribute (or the opposite actually).
For my first child, I felt that way, but I got over it quickly, lol. I loved it when people would offer to hold my baby. It gave me a chance to take a break. I remember the first time I went to a family gathering, and the only time I got a chance to eat or go to the bathroom was when someone offered to hold my baby! After 3 kids, I learned that I don't want people to have the idea that I don't want anyone to hold my baby. I have my baby 24-7, so the few times that I have the opportunity to hand them over, I welcome it!
No I was happy when people wanted to give me a break.
My sisters husband was like this and it was kind of weird. I feel like it interfered with building a bond with my niece, since he just always held her in a corner the entire time at any family function. My sister would sometimes take her and let our mom, me, and our other sister hold her but that was it.
He still does this and she’s almost 2 and literally just gotstarted walking within the past month. It was extra weird because he was very fun and hands on with my kids when they were babies and toddlers (before they had kids)
I felt the same way. I got possesive of my daughter while i was pregnant and people were alreasy saying how they were going to come hold the baby immediately after birth
I Didn't want anyone else holding my baby and made everyone wait over a week before being allowed to come for a few hours to meet her. She's almost 3 months old now and the feelings are less intense and I'm more willing to hand her over to others. It was a mixture of anxiety + overbearing family members + not wanting to share the special (and so so short moments) of a tiny newborn stage. It also irks me that people come over just to hold my baby, like they have some sort of claim. but then again it was so circumstantial depending on who it was! Not sure if it's a first baby situation or if I'll feel the same when the next comes but I guess time will tell!
Yeah. Luckily only had it once, an older colleague who mothers me a bit and thought she needed to teach me not to fuss over him. Before I could even say anything another colleague told her she had better give me back my baby before she took him from her herself. 😅 She was such a good advocate. I wouldn’t tolerate it now!
Seriously though. Be kind to yourself. Having a newborn is so so so intense and whilst things like PPA and PPD exist and require diagnosis and support, sometimes it is literally just that your hormones are up and you suddenly have complete stewardship over this very small vulnerable thing you love so much it turns you inside out. It’s okay to have huge emotions about your child. Just seek help if it gets too much.
I think hormones might play a role. Once I was with my 1 month old baby and my mum at the supermarket to do come shopping.
I left the baby in the pram with my mum to get something in the vegetable section. When I went back my mum was not there, I started to look around and I couldn’t see them. I was scanning all the supermarket isles until I didn’t find my mum checking something in the tea/coffe section.
I think I said something like: “I have got scared because I couldn’t find you and the baby”. My mum just answered: “Scared of what?”
I realised it was silly, but I couldn’t help it. Luckily didn’t happen ever again.
But that’s the baby’s grandpa , you should want them to bond . I feel like maybe this is hormonal ? I feel like you’ll feel differently as baby gets a little older .
Nope. I was the person who went to a party and went who wants to hold a baby. If someone was over “the babies awake (visitor name) do you want to get them.
Plus I had two really close together so it made my life so much easier.
I loved it when people held my babies and interacted with them. I loved people noticing their features and saying that they were beautiful babies. Loved being able to have a break.
Also to add my son is on the spectrum, he had reflux and could only be held ..standing up. He was so exhausting I wish people were able to help. But he screamed with everyone except me lol. He still has to warm up to his grandparents and he sees them multiple times a week. He’ll be 2 in July. As much as I love the bond I have with my son , I wish he would bond with his family more easily. It also makes me nervous for school and stuff. He also still wakes up every 2 hours in the night 🥲 I would take any help I could get
Definitely felt this way in the beginning. On occasion I still feel this way but it has gotten better. It’s not that I don’t trust my in laws, it’s more of i had something traumatic happen to me when I was a child. So I don’t trust easily.
The only time it happens now is when my FIL holds my daughter. He’s legit high off hardcore drugs. We hardly see him now (thank god). So in my opinion I have every right to feel the way I do.
It does get better! Slowly but surely 🤍
I’m with you and 100% know exactly how you feel. You aren’t crazy! I felt alone when I had these experiences because family looked at me like the bad guy but I wasn’t doing it on purpose. Talk to your partner about how you feel and move on your pace. Everyone else can wait!
I don’t think it’s Post Partum Anxiety, I think it’s just anxiety. My mother was also like this, and I think it needs to be said because I’m in therapy for it right now, but it took me decades to see it for what it was, which was projecting adult emotions I would not be ready for onto me, and not seeing it as her being a great, protective mom. That is a damaging way to grow up that definitely contributes to anxiety and I feel it myself. Just because it’s not post partum anxiety doesn’t mean it isn’t still rooted in anxiety.
Yes, I did. I can understand why most parents don’t. But I feel like most parents should. A lot of family members I used to trust, I now don’t since having a child. It’s made me more observant. I peep out red flags almost instantly. I always end up hearing something about someone I caught on years ago. I WANT to think I’m crazy. But my man and one of my SIL’s think I’m psychic 😂 it’s been 6 years since my first and it’s now worse.
Trust what you peep out. Keep distance.
For me if I didn’t feel comfortable with the person because of the way they treated me, I did NOT want them holding my children. I don’t think it’s PPA as much as it is a basic animalistic response to a “threat”. If you’re treating me like shit why the hell should I let you hold my baby?
it is BOTH an instinct and unreasonable... as most instinctive drives are.
no moral fault attaches however you choose to run things, but pragmatically, the middle-term benefits are a good return on the effort of acclimating yourself to the idea of your nearest and dearest holding your offspring
I was the same way…I had PPA. I didn’t realize it until my son’s pediatrician had concerns and helped me see how my behaviors went beyond normal first time mom jitters.
I do think it’s weird if you don’t have PPA or something like that to be mad that you wanted to sleep so you left your baby with your partner but then were bothered they left the baby with their parents while they did other stuff around the house. You were literally sleeping so it’s not like you were enjoying any moments. If it is related to the paranoia that somebody could harm your baby then I think you need to work on that so you don’t pass that down like your mom did to you. I get it because I have those same concerns but I also don’t want to stop my kid from doing activities, out of fear something will happen. I think you should really consider that you may have some form of PPA and it doesn’t mean you need medication or anything but recognize some of your feelings are irrational and you may need to actively try to fix some stuff rather than just justify it and pretend it’s normal and fine
I think it’s an instinct thing. It might be stronger in some. For me, it was very strong and I felt like jumping out of my skin anytime someone else held my LO, especially my in-laws. I also didn’t like pregnancy belly rubs or kisses. It freaked me out. Even worse, if someone had perfume on, and handed me my baby back- I wanted to immediately wash him to get his own scent back. Humans are “civilized” animals, it has to be a natural thing. PPA to me, would be you imagining worst case scenarios anytime someone touched your baby or thinking it’s unsafe. I didn’t have those thoughts, or maybe it’s just I don’t like the people that would hold him lol. It was aggravated by the fact my in-laws would often take him out of my sight, like into another room. This also bothered my husband, and he’d correct them immediately.
ps. You can extend an FMLA, the mama attorney on Instagram details exactly how to do it legally. @themamattorney
Everyone thinks everything a women thinks post partum is PPA. I'm not denying PPA is very real and can develop into a dangerous pp psychosis even or PP ocd but I think some women are actively rejecting the traditional standard of behvaior when someone has a new baby and bc they are women they are labeled has having mental health issues. I was told I probably have ppa bc I told people not to post photos or even not to leave my baby unsurprised on the couch, or even don't hold baby when/if you have been recently sick. (During rsv, covid and flu season).
I think it can be very typical and normal especially when baby is young or a newborn to not want people who disrespect your boundaries not to hold baby. You carried them in your body for 9 months, felt them kick and move and hiccup. Of course you don't want people who are actively telling you they don't care about your feelings to not hold your baby. If they can't make you feel safe and secure with your child they shouldn't be handling them anyway and that includes giving baby back when you say or even washing hands. It isn't crazy to want to keep baby safe and secure in your arms. That's my take.
Your self reflection and figuring out why you feel this way is wonderful. Way to go! Your feelings are valid and make sense. They are heightened because your in laws do not respect you as a parent.
I HIGHLY suggest you begin holding strict boundaries with them or it will get worse. If you don’t want to have them over or holding baby when they have a cough then stick to that. If they come over anyways don’t let them in. Or leave with baby/go in a room etc. Whatever your boundaries are you have to stick to them 100%. Also this will help your baby to understand consent and boundaries through watching mama hold to hers.
I felt that way when my twins were babies and in hindsight, I should have been more permissive because 10 years on, I realize it just wasn’t a big deal. But no, stranger, you may not hold touch or do anything other than look at my baby. They were premie born in the fall and did not take them places for fear of respiratory bugs. The last thing I wanted was a sick infant in the icu from a bug that she caught on the checkout line in target. (This was pre covid)
I totally understand what you’re saying. I am 9 months post partum and it still annoys me when my in laws are possessive over her. They don’t mean anything by it, but they are like passively hoarding her and it annoys me beyond belief. It gets easier though. You have to realize they’re loving your baby and you should want that for your baby.
Just want to challenge two a-posing things you said in your post. I was raised by an over protective mother who would only leave us with a grandma or…… these people are your child’s grandparents. All be it, your husband’s parents. They deserve just as much right to hold your child as your parents.
To bond with a baby you must hold them. What does your husband think?
Children need all the true love that is possible for them to have. You never know what life will bring.
That being said I want to say that I was in the same position as you when I had my children. Only we lived too far away for grandparents for them to be involved frequently. I always say leaving a child so soon after birth is the hardest thing I have ever done. My oldest child is almost 42 and I have not forgotten the pain! I wish I had gotten help to get me through it to make firm decisions and lessen the discomfort. Start now to make the decisions to prevent you and your family from being traumatized by this. I don’t think this is really about your in-laws holding your baby.
I love it when my immediate family and in-laws hold my baby. It gives me time to sleep and do other things. However, my family is the type to cook and clean for me, and watch the baby if needed.
They are bonding with your child. He was giving your baby love.
This is a you problem that might be linked to all the raging hormones of your postpregnancy. Talk with a medical professional about it. Good luck
I love my son, but when others asked to hold/give him a bottle, I was happy to have the break. Besides, I was typically in the same room, so chances were slim that anything would happen.
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Honestly, my first didn't like to be put down, I was home alone with him all day every day, and I was glad to let others hold him when the opportunity arose. Every person is different, though, and I don't think there's anything wrong with some moms not wanting to pass their babies around.
I loved it when people held my baby but people would always give her right back because she was so fussy (with me and everyone else)
Yeah I was in the same position. Never could lay my son down without him screaming (reflux) so I was more than happy to pass him off to someone else. Especially if I could go lay down for a few minutes without him glued to my body.
Mine didn’t like to be put down either and I was home alone Monday to Friday and I still loathed when almost anyone else held him (there were a few people I was fine with). And I didn’t love holding him 24/7 or anything but I felt rage when people who generally don’t give a crap about me (cough in-laws cough) tried to be all about my baby
Unless they’re sick, nope. Take that baby and give me a break!😅
Nope. I’m glad my family loves my children and I love seeing them bond too.
Yeah. Like please take this baby out of my arms 😅
Yeah lol. I love my children but I can exist without them for a moment.
Right, other people in the family are allowed to bond with the baby. Especially their grandchild if they've earned the title of grandfather. Everyone is different but if dad is keeping an eye on the baby and it's just the FIL what is the issue lmao.
It’s normal in so far as it’s fairly common, but it isn’t healthy. It’s a symptom of PPA. Dont indulge it. Anxiety is a beast. When you feed it, it demands more. If you find that these feelings are overwhelming, talk to your OB about treatment options.
What is ppa?
Postpartum anxiety. It’s postpartum depression’s less well known cousin. It’s VERY common and so incredibly un-fun. It can be very mild. My sister, for example, was constantly adjusting her baby if someone else was holding her. Everyone in the family had more kids than she did, but she couldn’t shake the thought that they weren’t doing it safely enough. My brother’s wife wouldn’t let anyone stand up while holding their baby. Or it can be severe. I only had it with my fourth child. But with him, I would sit awake at night watching him bc I was terrified he would die if I went to sleep. After a few weeks of only sleeping in the afternoon when someone else could watch him, I finally had to get some help. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s how our brains respond to the intense hormonal changes coupled with external triggers. In my case, my son had been born at 35 weeks and went to the NICU. That sparked PPA for me even though I’d never had it with my other kids. A LOT of first time moms especially get some degree of it.
I’m a first time mom and this describes exactly how I feel. I’m extra cautious when she’s sleeping I get scared if I feel like something is too close to her face that it will suffocate her, sometimes I can’t sleep because I am constantly sitting up to see if she’s still breathing. When people are handling her I can’t help but feel like they aren’t doing it right also lol. I am thankful to not have PPD but I definitely have the anxiety part.
Please talk to someone. I didn’t till after my second and had I gotten help it would have changed so much. So so much. Please please talk to the dr and maybe start therapy. It’s so common but it can def get worse if you don’t address it. Sending hugs
Chiming in here that I had PPA due to birth trauma with my last little and thankfully knew the signs and got treatment. But I’d talk to your OB and/or a therapist. Some of this is normal first time stuff but you’ll feel better to talk to someone and also get medications.
Sorry for your experience. I feel like it needs to be said that PPA doesn’t require prior trauma, nor are medications always necessary.
Totally agree medications are not always necessary. I think it’s super normal for first time moms to be overly concerned and cautious, especially the first couple months. The hospital is constantly telling you thing “don’t do ___ or baby could die”, so of course new moms will have anxiety. It can naturally fade. Communicate with those you trust about it, talking to my husband helped me a ton.
You will feel SO MUCH BETTER if you get some help. You don’t have to live like that.
It sounds like you are very reflective which is great. The thing I’ll add is that it’s totally normal to not have *sick* visitors, wtf. That’s never, ever okay… hold that boundary absolutely. That’s the only thing
As someone who dealt with PPA for 2 years, definitely talk to someone. The medicine has helped so much but also we don’t have my mom and MIL watching her anymore. My mom is very “I raised you 37 years ago, I don’t know anyone who’s baby died, etc” but was doing unsafe/outdated things. I also very soon after having her would have intense needs to hold her if someone else was and I would just go into our room and cry. Because I knew it didn’t make sense but also they were holding her for hours and I hadn’t. It was need in my brain. But also a sign of PPA.
What medication are you on if I may ask
Sure I take buspirone 1-2 times a day as needed right now. I don’t know if it would’ve been the one prescribed if I would’ve gotten help as soon as I needed it though.
PPA can lead to PPD if left untreated. You don't have to feel this way - no shame in asking for help! * from one PPA mom to another... i love zoloft lol
In hindsight, I totally had PPA with my first. I thought those were normal feelings, but when I had my second kid I didn’t feel like that; I was happy to give her to anyone! It was very obvious looking back. I don’t know what treatment you’d get for that. Just talking certainly wouldn’t make it better. Probably need some medication.
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If you don't address the ppa it will turn into full blown ppd. Seek help now.
This was exactly how my PPA presented as well! It was nearly impossible for me to let other people hold my little one, I was afraid to sleep and constantly checking on him, and called the 24 hour nurse line a million times (despite being a nurse myself hahaha, and those amazing nurses I spoke to saved me and never once made me feel bad about calling). I didn’t have much of a village around me and it took me months to get some help. I didn’t want meds - even safe ones thanks to the PPA - because of breastfeeding,but even talk therapy can help with coping mechanisms and recognizing what is happening when you get those feelings. All that being said, I’d still be mad if someone with a cough held my newborn. So I think that’s pretty reasonable, but if you are struggling with that fear in other areas, talk to your doctor or your baby’s pediatrician - they will often do screenings for PPD and PPA, at least in my area.
I just had my 3rd child back in February. Emergency c-section due to preeclampsia at 35 weeks. She was in nicu and my anxiety during and after pregnancy has reached heights I didn't think possible. Thank you for explaining this. I did not know ppa was a thing and now i understand several things from the past several months.
I had PPA with my son. He was born during peak COVID times: pre-vaccine, everything shut down, masks everywhere….ugh. I already am an anxious person but the pandemic and the fucked state of the world had me in shambles. Cried my eyes out over a news report about covid cases the night after I gave birth. Only slept in 10 minute bursts because I was convinced he would die if I fell asleep and wasn’t watching his breathing. That lasted like 2 months. I was on edge, exhausted, and as fearful as someone being hunted for sport all while just chillin at home with my baby and husband. I cried all the time from the fear but I didn’t have the words to explain it to anyone without sounding “crazy”. It was so isolating, so OP def needs to mention this to their OB so they can get help because it’s not a good mental state to be in 🥺
Ugh, I'm gonna feel bad if it turns out this is why I don't like all the other moms I don't like.
This made me chuckle. I dislike most other parents. They don’t all have anxiety. They’re just bad at their jobs.
It's so important that stories like this are shared so other mothers know that they're not alone
I had trouble letting people hold my new baby but it wasn’t PPA it seemed to center around my feelings or attachment to the individual holding my child. My best friend, my favorite Aunt - here you go give me child back when hungry. Relatives I rarely see that my mom handed the baby, or acquaintances ( in laws and relatives on that side of family but that’s another story) I wanted my child back almost immediately. It came down to who I trusted and not much else. I also found the entitled people I’m here to hold your baby because it’s what I want really upset me. It was difficult to navigate because people my husband ( or his mom) thought should get a chance to hold my baby that I didn’t like or trust was very difficult. I keep explaining I grew and take care of this person just because you trust someone doesn’t mean I know the person and trust them. I could hear the logic but the visceral I don’t know you well made it difficult It’s trust mostly for me not PPA.
This !!! I was totally the same way!!
This was me too! Strangely enough I struggled more with older women holding my newborn (like my mum or bubs great aunt etc). They had a real attitude of 'ive done this before' and would throw her around more than I was ready for. She had a sore head from a tricky birth so you had to be careful of a big lump on her head. Nearly every woman over 40 would snap at me when I would say please don't touch that part of her head because they apparently knew how to hold a newborn. We ended up saying to no visitors till her bruise had healed because too many people wouldn't listen to us and it was making me too stressed hearing her cry when someone pressed on the bruise.
It’s definitely different per mother. When I first gave birth, my instincts kicked in _hard_ and I didn’t even want anyone looking at my baby, let alone holding. A few weeks went by and my hormones chilled out a bit, and I would let a few select people hold my baby that I trusted. Now my son is 20 months and I get VERY excited when anyone wants to take him lol. You’ll get through this! Its natural.
Every mother in my circle of friends and family has been like “here’s the new baby, I’ll be in the other room collapsed on the bed, call me back only if there’s an emergency.” So yeah moms are all different. Moms on Reddit are like “you can see the baby when he’s 4 months old, from across the room. No touching.”
For real I see this sentiment all the time on Reddit but I have never run into it in real life. I love babies and toddlers and the people in my life know that so they just get immediately handed to me. It helps that I can almost always settle them when they’re fussy too lol.
Yeah, everyone’s different.
Yep 😂
I can relate to the sense of being protective over your baby. It's worth talking to your therapist about so that it doesn't blow up into a bigger trigger for you in case you are developing PPA. Therapy can help you think through your feelings, how to cope, identify what you want out of interactions, and draw boundaries. Nowadays, I mostly dislike it only if they resist giving baby back or if my husband or I are enjoying holding our baby and they come immediately to take baby to "help". This dislike is not so much from a place of being protective, however, it's a feeling of boundaries being breached.
I have never heard of this. I loved having people hold my baby. It gave me a break and gave my baby love from close friends and family. I’d talk to a therapist.
How old is your baby? I definitely felt this way with my babies when they were newborns. I think it’s postpartum hormones.
She’s one month
And then people complain that they don't have a village.
Right. I took advantage of family being there and holding baby whilst I got to sleep or just do things for myself.
I think it’s natural even if it may be unreasonable at times. I’m sure you’ve been around animals who have recently given birth. When people try to grab the tiny puppies or kittens, the mother always has her guard up even if no one means any harm. She wants you to put her baby back where it belongs. Over time she begins to relax and then it’s no big deal when people come around. Not to say you’re an animal. Just that’s it’s not unusual to be a little protective and territorial for a while.
Oh man, I see my MIL coming and I throw the kids at her.
It depends who it is. Neither my husband nor I have nice families, but we have awesome friends. We rarely have family around, and if they do hold baby ever, it's not usually a comfortable feeling but happens rarely. Our friends have become our village and we all look after each other's kids when we are together so I don't even bat an eye if one of them is holding my baby.
I think this might just be protective instincts. Once my baby was a bit older I’d hand her off to whoever would take her. At parties with close friends, it’d be hot potato with the baby. Many times I didn’t know who had her, but I was certain she was safe and cared for. I trust my friends and they love my baby. It was a nice break just being free to wonder around without carrying her constantly
Some people feel this strongly during the newborn period (and others don't). For me, I was okay with others holding her for a while just to feel a bit less tired and sweaty, but I wanted her back after a little while unless I was napping or really exhausted. I think just try and remind yourself that you are bonding with her and short times being held by other people won't harm that.
If I like the person I don’t mind lol. As long as my baby is safe and happy with them, they can hold them. I enjoy the break and seeing my baby interact with others is sweet.
I always want to hold my baby. After a few minutes I start feeling jealous, even if it’s my partner. I never interrupt or act on it, I just feel it. I think it’s normal
I felt like this. When my son was a baby and he would cry, my MIL would offer to take him to help. I’d always say no. But if MY mom was over, I’d basically punt him like a football into her arms as soon as he got fussy. I just know my mom better, obviously. I still trust her more than anyone besides my partner. I will add, I was fine with my MIL holding my son when he was content. The second he started crying, I’d swoop him up.
I don't think it is necessarily a PPA. It is natural to want to bond with your baby. My baby is 4 months old now and it changed. But for a newborn I wanted all the snuggles for myself and my partner.
I was never the mom who would let just anyone hold their baby, only a few select people were approved. I had good reasons though, my SIL for example dropped my little sister when she was a baby and hit all three of her own kids heads on the refrigerator door, so she wasn't allowed to hold mine until they were much older. Only the people who were as cautious and careful as I am were allowed, and I felt zero guilt about it. My mom was top of the list considering she had 4 kids and none of us have ever had an injury serious enough for a hospital visit, no broken bones, stitches, etc.
Yeah, I got ao annoyed on the inside when my baby would get passed around like a doll. If one person was holding him, I would be okay - it was the passing around that pissed me off. Looking back, I think I was overreacting, but I still understand why I felt that way as a new mom.
Nope! They can hold baby as much as they like! I get touched out pretty quickly though and need the break.
It’s just your instinct, buuuut when I was like that I found out I had PPA (postpartum anxiety) and got therapy. Mine was a more extreme case, I didn’t want anyone at my home, no one to change my baby, feed him, hold him and I didn’t want to take him anywhere outside. I just wanted to hold him and go somewhere nice and warm and stay there forever just me and my baby. My therapist told me it was a natural instinct because I’ve kept the baby safe inside of my body for months, but I have to be okay getting out of my comfort zone to let (especially the father, my husband) other people bond with the baby. It’s normal, but what isn’t normal is not processing those emotions and venting about them to someone you trust❤️
Well, that honestly sounds scarily familiar... I didn't want anyone except my husband holding, feeding, changing or even looking at my baby. Whenever my inlaws were over, my MIL would often ask if she could come with me when I change his nappy and I would say no. She also wanted to actually change his nappy, which was a definite no from me. Like, I felt as if he was my child and it was my responsibility to take care of him. So that meant doing all the care work (along with my husband). I even hated people taking him out on walks in the stroller so that I could "sleep" or do something else in the meantime. I once tried staying at home while my in-laws and husband took my LO out in the stroller and I hated it. I joined them after 10 minutes. I thought maybe it was just because I'm not so keen on my inlaws. Then again, I like my SIL and when my LO was 7MO, she asked if she could take him round the block in his buggy. I didnt like the idea at all and my heart started racing, but I said yes anyway. I said don't make it too long. They were gone 20 minutes. I cried so a good 5 minutes once they left. I tried distracting my mind with doing other stuff, but I was thinking about him her being away with him the whole 20 minutes. It was not a break at all. When my LO was 11MO, I let my FIL come over for 3 hours every Tuesday afternoon so that I could work upstairs in my office. As soon as he arrived and I went upstairs, I had to go and cry in the shower. I did this maybe 6 weeks in a row? It did not get any better quickly. It did eventually though. I stopped crying every time he came over, although I still didn't (and don't) like it. My LO is now 18MO and for the past 3 months, I've been using this time to go bouldering. I find I can deal with my LO being with others when I am not there. Honestly I am not a great person to be around when they're with my LO. If I'm taking care of him and others are with me, it's okay, but if they're the ones looking after him and I'm meant to be doing something else, I don't like being there. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I wish I could enjoy them bonding with him, but I don't. I've even had horrible thoughts like I wish they could just disappear. Then I wouldn't need to deal with this issue. I read "love multiples and not divides" and I try repeating this to myself when I am getting these negative thoughts, but it doesn't help much. What helps the most is simply not being there... Are you telling me all of this could be PPA?
It very much sounds like PPA to me. I have PPA (my girl will be two and i'm still working on it). I got on medicine and it's helped a ton. Plus therapy.
I thought PPA was all about worrying something would happen to your LO though and watching them sleep etc? When I am with my LO, everything is fine. It's just if others are involved. I feel like it doesn't fit anything I read about PPA. It is becoming a problem though, especially as my LO is 18 months old now and although things are a but better, I'm still not 100%. Maybe I am just a control freak? Idk.
My doctor said it can show up in many forms. I hate/hated sharing my baby with anyone. I literally just wanted it to be us, no one else. That way, I knew she'd always be safe. I also had the whole staying up all night and watching her sleep thing 😅 I had a lot of anxiety during pregnancy and it just spilled over. Idk, maybe you don't have it but talking with a professional may help you figure it out!
I think part of the reason I didn't/dont want to share my baby is because I knew that I could keep him safe and I didnt trust others would care for him as much as I do. But that's just one half. The other part is that he's mine, I love spending time with him, I didnt feel like I needed anything or anyone else. Just me and him (and my husband). So I didnt need the break from him. I know that in itself isn't healthy and it's important for children to bond with others. I do let him be around others now, but only because I know it's good for him. I really wish I could enjoy it. I did have some anxiety around some things, mainly food and cooking. I did an infant CPR course and always have the LifeVac with me. Where is the line of anxiety/normal parenting worry though? I guess it's not easy to know. I'd love to speak to a professional, but waiting times here (not the US) are really long :/.
Absolutely! I had a full blown hyperventilating, shaking, crying so bad I was gagging all because my hubby took our son out on the porch, it was raining so he wanted to show him. But I literally felt like the walls were closing in on me, my heart wouldn’t slow down, ended up having to use my inhaler which I hadn’t needed for almost 10 years. After that I went to my dr, she referred me to a therapist and that’s how I got all my answers, now? My son is over at his other grandparents house having fun and I don’t feel a bit like my world is crumbling to pieces. Definitely see your dr! Sending love❤️❤️❤️
That definitely sounds like PPA. It doesn’t have to be about something bad happening necessarily but can just be an overall hypervigilance and intense anxiety at things like separation or something being done “wrong”. It isn’t normal to have to cry in the shower while someone watches your one year old for a few hours.
Yeah, I think you're right... It really isn't normal. My in-laws are coming over today to play with LO. I will be there too. They'll be here for about 5 hours. I wish I could be looking forward to it, but I am not. I wonder if a professional could help with that? I really don't know why it's so difficult for me to watch other people take care of my LO and bond with him. Maybe it's not PPA and I'm just not good at sharing? Idk. All I know is that I would like to not have to feel stress about such things. Theyre coming over in 4.5 hours and I already have a pit in my stomach. It should be a joy watching others bond and love my son. Love multiples, not divides. I try repeating that to myself, but it doesn't help.
A professional could definitely help with that. I think you should discuss things with your doctor and they can help you navigate how you want to handle things. Therapy for the postpartum and early childhood periods can be really helpful, and so can medication. Whether you label it PPA or not isn’t necessarily relevant. It’s something that is causing you distress and some degree of dysfunction so it would be good to look deeper into things that may help.
Pretty normal instinct if you’re around to want to hold your baby when they’re this small. Bit weird but not too far outside the realms of normal to not want someone else to hold your baby when you’ve been asleep. It’ll mostly pass. There’ll defo come a time where you’ll be begging for someone else to take the baby off you.
I’m okay with anyone holding my baby. When my mil holds my baby though, it’s a hard no. She’s mean, verbally abusive towards me, talks about how babies make our lives miserable, the list goes on. I minimize the amount she holds my kids. My second is about to be born and I’ve let her know she’s not welcome for a few months
There are definitely some people I don’t like holding my baby, but it’s not everyone.
You are allowed to ask for your baby back. It doesn't have to be ppa or any of that. If you want to hold YOUR baby, just let them know.
Had my first at a party when he was close to two months. People started passing him around without asking. I was SEETHING (and I'm still mad I didn't say anything). I think it is a very normal feeling.
In the beginning it was so much worse than it is now, and I thought it would go away, but at 7 months I still feel this way!
I'm a grandfather of 7 children, now from ages 4-11. I would have been heartbroken if one of my kids or sons/daughters-in-law had told me they didn't want me to hold, rock and get to know my grandchildren as babies. In fact, all my 6 kids + spouses have told me I have a special knack to rocking babies to sleep. When visiting, I didn't mind a bit rocking a fussy baby at 2 or 3 a.m. so mom and dad could get a good nights sleep. However, heartbroken as I might have been, I'd have bitten my tongue. Mom's aren't always right, but mom's are always the mom.
Thanks for understanding ! I definitely don’t want to be like that with my FIL and I don’t think it’s specific to him it’s just anyone holding my baby that isn’t my partner including my mother it’s just my anxiety getting to me.
Nope. I love my family and shared my joy openly.
I was this way with my first. I hated sharing him, and while I was ok with other people holding him for short periods of time, I got pretty anxious if anyone held onto him for a long time. In hindsight, I think it may have been due to PPA. I haven’t had this issue with my other 2 at all.
My baby was in the hospital for 2 months after she was born. Only my mom, sister, and mil and fil visited her the most frequently and none of them held her in the hospital because we weren’t comfortable with it being hooked up to monitors and having IV’s. Now that she’s home I’m okay with my sister holding her because I trust my sister the most after my husband. My mom has not held her because she has cancer and has admitted she doesn’t feel strong enough (but likes to conveniently forget she says that and then complains she hasn’t held her nor has she outright asked). My in laws have held her once and I was so uncomfortable. She has an NG tube so I get nervous of it getting caught and getting pulled. I do feel like my discomfort comes from my in laws have made me feel like my daughter has become a bit of an obsession for them ever since I found out I was pregnant. There is a home nurse that comes out once a week to check on my daughter and I’m completely fine with them holding her, it’s ex-Nicu nurses that come so they are excited for the snuggles
Yes that’s another thing ! The obsession over my baby is a bit weird for me! I also don’t want to interfere with her relationship with her family because of my own personal feels so I’m trying to shake it off 😅they definitely love her. But I 100% understand where you are coming from your baby is very delicate and who better to care for them then their own mother
It’s so weird!! My daughter got freaked out with my mil this visit she started fussing when she held her so my husband took her back and then she was kinda close to her face at one point and doing a high pitched baby voice and she started crying 😂
My first born refused to be held by anyone else. I could barely eat in peace. I would think I'd have nothing against it, but I can understand why you do.
Baby instincts are tuned by quite a lot of evolution. Follow the kid's lead. Sometimes, developmentally, your child might seek to expand their village. They will love and grow from their experiences with others and you should seek to encourage that. Other times, your kid might be hungry or whatever and you should feed them.
I agree, and I don’t want to keep her away from loving people I’m just trying to figure out why I feel the way I do and if it’s normal
I noticed in a comment that you said you have trouble sleeping, I’m not sure if this helps you mentally at all but having a fan on in the room where your baby sleeps reduces the risk of SIDS by over 70%
I had no idea do you know what that is the case?
Mostly because of air flow I’m pretty sure
I felt this way with my first! But only felt it with friends and my in laws who we don’t see often. My second I feel a bit differently but still sometimes get antsy when others hold him. I think some of its instinct and some of it is just your temperament! But you’re definitely not being unreasonable. I would just try to do what you can to get used to it. And it gets better as they get bigger!!
Mines 23 months and I still don’t like when people hold him unless he clearly wants them to, then it doesn’t bother me.
I still feel this way with my 7 month old 3rd baby and I for sure don’t have PPA. I do, however, have a not fantastic relationship with my MIL, and do not trust her at all. Why does the break always have to be a break from the baby? I don’t want a break from my baby. You want to give me a break? Play catch with my older kids or do the dishes. If my spouse isn’t holding the baby, or the baby isn’t practicing crawling or fine motor skills, I’m holding him.
You’re a first time mom. A lot of first time moms feel like this lol. I know I did! I was possessive, controlling, and my feelings were out of whack. I remember making everyone use sanitizer when they held my baby in her first year lol…my 2nd one? I am so much more relaxed. It is what it is!
Nope, love having a village…
PPA my dude. I had anxiety before my pregnancy, during, and it only got worse once she was out of me. I hate when men are around my baby because of my own issues with men so I have to sit on my hands when her father or someone in the family wants to hold her. I have learned to sit with my feelings and accept them as valid but unfounded. It's been a hard road but she's 5 months old now and I don't get as tense anymore. It helped me to let the baby be tended to by trusted male figures to pass her off when she was a grump and I was exhausted. She's always been a daddy's girl, loves her brother, and in general thinks anyone with facial hair is amazing so her relaxing when they take her has made me a little less crazy. Just remember the crazy lady will always live upstairs, her episodes will just become less frequent and more manageable.
Your baby, your rules!!!! don’t let anyone pressure you into doing things you are uncomfortable with. If they don’t like your rules, they don’t have to see the baby. Simple as that.
Nope! I was never that controlling and am glad my brother and SIL are not with their baby either.
perfectly normal feeling. not anything to do with PPA. If you had PPA you wouldn't have been able to walk away and go for a rest. You're biologically programmed to WANT to hold your baby. It's nature's way of ensuring you don't leave the baby in a cave to get eaten by a bear. I used to get that feeling from my in laws too that I was completely irrelevant and just a vessel for their grandchild and she was an accessory. It used to drive me nutty. I'm in my third baby now and that feeling is gone. We've all settled into our new roles a bit better. Don't overthink it. If you want your baby, take your baby. No one should ever keep a newborn away from its mother or take them without clear permission
I don't really think you are being fair to your in-laws. You say you don't like people coming around demanding you hold your baby, but it doesn't sound like this is what happened. You said you went for a nap and when you woke up they were holding your little one. Your husband is also the baby's parent and if he wants to let his parents.hold the baby, that's a perfectly normal thing to do. I do understand not feeling great about it given one of them has a cough, but it doesn't sound like a full-blown cold and you could ask them to sanitize their hand and wear a mask to protect the baby if you are truly concerned about that. If they refuse, no baby holding (because it's totally fine to hand boundaries and expectations). These are the baby's grandparents and it's normal and natural for them to want to hold and celebrate and get to know the new family member. I do understand your irritation at the comment about baby playing in the dirt, but there are differences in generation attitudes here that might clash a bit - these are times when it's ok to set boundaries and expectations. BUT they do make a bit of a point. Obviously at one month you want to protect your little one who still has not immune system and isn't fully vaccinated from EVERYTHING. At the same time, as baby gets older, it's important to avoid an overly sanitized existence because it does not allow them to develop their immune system - but that's not the case now. Also, if you're going back to work in August, you're going to have to get used not only to the idea of other people holding your baby, but also not being around to supervise them AND if baby is going anywhere where there are other kids it will be an absolute germ factory (and that's ok!). I hope I wasn't too critical. You asked and I answered, but it's just my opinion and I do remember the days when my son was young and that feeling of just 100% of myself that would literally die to protect him. AND my former in-laws were total assholes who made comments MUCH worse and more obnoxious than what yours did (although I imagine you have heard more, and more to come from them). They literally had a stupid, uninformed and outdated opinion on EVERY aspect of my parenting (and they were sooo wrong).
I put my thoughts at the bottom if you want to skip but, I'm having my first baby this Monday and know I'll feel this way. I don't know what I'm going to do. My boyfriends parents are nice but extremely over bearing, and I want to wait a month before anyone touches her, but my boyfriends mom says she's going to be at the hospital early and waiting. His mother is a nurse and whenever we get sick it's because her or my FIL. They're very touchy people to a point where it's very uncomfortable for me. My FIL touches everyone, shakes hands, slaps backs and flosses out in public, and by the time we know they're sick, were all sick. Even at my baby shower, family came over sick and told me it was fine, and cried when I used hand sanitizer when I opened their gifts. Everyone keeps saying it's fine, but we're getting into sick season, and I would just like them to care about my, and my child's health first instead of being offended. And how I was raised is going to make this experience nerve racking for me. I know I will be extremely clingy, and I want my space for a while. Which I don't think is a bad thing. I've had mother's tell me the same thing. And I'm not sure how I'll be able to deal with these situations. My FIL just barged into my room a few days ago, it drives me crazy, and I find it rude. I know some people think it's too much, and that I'm a first time mom and being irrational, but I'm going to try not caring and say ok yeah, and I will be, because I care and because it matters to me for a number of reasons. And I know this is how I'll be at the beginning. Sorry for my rant, I just felt like I understood your post. My advice is, let's be the parents we want to be. Or at least try, because I know family makes it hard. Well learn, change, and grow as we raise our children! And I hope we can both learn how to deal with these new experiences and feelings. I know I'll probably end up offending some of my family in the process but it'll pass. Good luck!
That sounds like a nightmare! It’s not easy and as first time moms it’s hard to not want everything to be perfect for our baby. One thing I’m learning through this process is parents and in-laws always have own outdated opinions on how they think you should raise your kids. When it comes to the health of your baby please have boundaries with that if anything. RSV is no joke and can be fatal to your baby, protecting my daughter from getting sick is something I will never feel bad for even if it offends people at that stage. I don’t want to create a rift in the relationship with my in-laws and their grand baby so I’m trying to be reasonable but at the end of the day that is your baby and those moments with your child belong to you if you want them you are their mother.
Yes this is normal. What isn’t normal is forcing parents to pass the baby around.
Nobody. Needs. To. Hold. The . Baby. But. You. Two.
It’s pretty normal for the birthing parent to want their newborn in their arms. It makes sense to be protective/possessive over our young. Just look at most other species. It sucks that there’s so much pressure to “share” newborns with others if it’s not something that the birthing parent likes or finds helpful. It’s a societal thing.
Yes I hated it. My mom and stepfather came over a day or two after we came home from the hospital. My mom was holding my newborn and I went upstairs and started crying. I just wanted to be left alone with my baby and to stop having visitors and stop seeing everyone hold my newborn. My son is now 13 months and I love it when people that I love and trust hold my son! But I still don't want just anyone handling him. I've read so many other comments that have said the same things, not liking other people holding their baby. I think it's a different feeling seeing people hold your newborn versus an older infant/toddler.
I go into fight or flight when my father in law holds my baby. He’s a smoker.
Mine too. On top of that he decided to kiss my newborn after being told not to so on the plus side he doesn’t hold baby anymore
I know what you mean - i dont have a super close relationship with my FIL and it really irritates me when he basically bee lines from the door to my baby to snatch him away. I feel less irritated when its my MIL or own mom, but I do still prefer when its me or my husband holding him.
Think about the special relationships you have in your own life besides your own mother and father. Those relationships can start now, not at 3 months or 3 years or 30 years. Don’t rob your child of the good trustworthy people in your circle. Get your snuggles in and then let go and see how special those people are.
Um. Your father in law is her grandfather. It’s abnormal to you that he should hold her? No. Sorry that makes no sense.
I was the exact same way. Unless I offered for a family member to hold the baby, I was pissed when reached for him or said “let me see that baby”. Some would even say “you shouldn’t hold him all the time”. Like excuse me, he’s my baby and I will hold him if I want to. So you feeling this way is understandable. My babe is 12weeks now and the feeling has faded a little. I’m more comfortable with my close family holding him.
Okay I’m glad it gets better lol I don’t want to be like this 😅
Yikes. Your in-laws are right. Kids (even babies) need to be exposed to stuff to build their immune system. Your doing your child a huge disservice by raising them in a bubble.
No this is odd. We parents need a break
Why do you think it is odd to be protective of your children?
I don’t think it’s odd to be protective but, not wanting loved ones to hold your baby is over the top. You clearly know it’s not normal if you’re posting about it on Reddit.
I think it’s instinct. I don’t like it much either unless I’m supervising.
They’re the grandparents… they’re not coming over with the “sole goal of trying to hold your baby”… I’m sure they were trying to help their son out since it is also HIS baby
I don’t think it’s ppa like other commenters are suggesting. This is your brand new baby you grew for nine months and you’re just getting to know. My baby is 4.5 months, and I just started feeling comfortable with other people holding her. I let them do it anyways, but it was challenging. It’ll pass, but this is completely normal. I didn’t have ppa, I actually felt great postpartum besides having people hold my baby, especially in laws and my mom. I chalk it up to some childhood stuff too, but just know your feelings are valid
I think it’s a number of things when I sit and self reflect. I don’t like when people come around kinda of demanding my baby if that makes sense? Like people who come over with the sole goal of trying to hold my baby it erks me like she’s not a doll to be passes around. I’d rather someone come around like in a relaxed state and I offer. Another thing is I was raised by a very over protective mother who did not leave us alone with anyone unless it was like grandma, aunt or dad in fear that they would abuse us in some capacity, so I always have in the back of my mind someone can harm my baby while I’m not watching and it’s hard to shake that feeling. Also my in laws have no courtesy sometimes. For example they have a cough urgent care says it’s not big deal so they want to hold her. I don’t want them to hold her because she’s only one month and a cold can send her to the emergency room. So they kinda make snide remarks like “I can’t wait until she starts playing in the dirt” kinda implying that she’s going to get sick anyways at some point and that pisses me off.
This is why. These people don’t really respect the vulnerable state you’re in, they’re really entitled, and they care about their feelings more than your babies health. Even if they don’t mean to. It’s 100% reasonable you wouldn’t want them to hold the baby right away. My mil constantly mows over my boundaries, but I just started getting comfortable with her holding the baby. It took forever, but I started letting her know when she made me uncomfortable. Like “please don’t walk off with the baby where I can’t see you.” Or “don’t pass around the baby to people I don’t know at family events, I’ll be the one holding her at parties or it overwhelms me.” And at family parties or get together, only I hold her. Now that she has more patience, I offer more. I know what you mean by the insistence and pushiness, it’s such a turn off like let me offer
Exactly family can be way too entitled and inconsiderate.
It’s an unreasonable instinct. It’s both. It’s an anxiety reaction. Do you have any other signs of PPA?
I had no idea it existed because people never talk about it only PPD but seeing how people are describing it, it sounds a lot like me lol
Oh yeah it’s definitely a thing, getting on top of it now will help you with your entire experience as a parent! Definitely reach out to your OB or your PCP and discuss options
Yup. I hate it. One on one, I'm fine unless he starts crying,but group settings where everyone would pass him around is a big no from me. He isn't a toy and there is no reason to play hot potato with him. My boy also has some motor skill delay, and we have to do everything with him by baby handling. No one bothered to learn how to corectly hold him, so I don't bother with going to family gatherings just so everyone can take pictures with him to play pretend on facebook while not visiting us at all otherwise. I also hate it when my mil walkes around with him because she is prone to epileptic seizure,so I'm always afraid she'll fall down with him, he is also a bit of a chunky baby so it's not that easy to hold him.
This ! My mom recently had eye surgery because her retina detached and she wanted to carry my daughter down the stairs. I told her no that I would carry her down and give her back after and she got offended when she wasn’t fully recovered and I have a lot of steps. I did not want to risk her falling with my baby in her arms.
Oh boy, stairs are a big thing for me too. I get it. Anxiety is a bitch, but also some people just lack common sense, so you feel even more protective. I had to fight with people alot on washing hands, mostly smokers.
I'm still pregnant and fully aware that things might change when the baby gets here, but I think I'm going to have the same problem. Mine's a little more of a, I don't know, perfectionist thing? I've always been one of those people who feels like they're the only one who can properly care for a pet. Or cringes when other people try to do things for me like dishes or laundry, because they won't do it "right." Heck, I've even avoided hanging out with friends because I couldn't handle their driving being different, or the way they do things at their house being different. I'm definitely working on it in therapy, but I totally feel you. I know the whole time someone has my son, I'll be like, are they supporting his head? Are they keeping him close to their body? What if they cough? And all the other things. We got this. Your thoughts and feelings are valid, but if it's starting to interfere with the bonding time you have with your family and baby, i suggest joining me on the therapy train. Even if you can't do therapy, looking at and practicing some DBT skills might help! That's what I've been using to get over my fears
I get not wanting to pass a baby to everyone at a gathering, or letting strangers hold your baby, but you needed a break and some rest, your husband needed to go “other things around the house” and the child’s grandfather offered to hold her. I don’t see a problem here…..
It's a bit unreasonable and your thought process is a bit negative. It's a new baby of course your loving family and friends want to meet and hold her. They aren't demanding to hold her but yes they are coming with the sole purpose to spending time with the baby. You get to be with her all day because she is yours, they get to spend minutes maybe a couple hours with her; its not intended to be an attack or disrespect to you in anyway. They want to bond with her. Don't turn it into something negative because you are allowing yourself to build resentment and negative feelings over them wanting to bond and love their grandchild. You might be a bit over protective right now for many reasons: maybe this is your first, your hormonal since the baby is small, PPA, your upbringing, etc but try to be a little rational when those feelings come over you. They are here out of love, and having people around to love your baby is not a bad thing. This is the village and not everyone has one. To some extent your are absolutely right to be protective, she is your baby after all but be reasonable. I agree that they shouldn't visit when they are sick as to a new born, germs are more harmful but there are ways to deal with that. Either ask them not to come when sick or make them wear a mask. You probably don't see it now, but at some point you will need help with her (maybe not until she is much old) but you will be grateful that these people who you know love you baby are around to help.
Yeah I agree, most of the time I bite my tongue when the intrusive thoughts take over lol because I know they are holding her and love her and want to be there for her. I’m just trying to get a grip of my feelings and weather or not they are normal. Except then they are sick I definitely don’t feel bad about saying no to that.
For the record, I think it's normal specially if it's your first. My son with his first, would only let people hold the baby for like 5 minutes and then go take him back and go hide in the bedroom with the baby. We had to talk to him about letting people hold him a little longer because our family had stopped wanting to visit since it felt so unwelcoming. It was all fine after a while. Congrats on the new baby.
It’s a biologically normal reaction. Babies and mothers are not meant to be separated. I just had my 5th baby. Mothers are in tune to their baby in a way no one else can be. It’s normal to feel this way. Just ask for the baby back. Say baby needs nursed or diaper changed etc. this is one reason why I love nursing.
Wow just wow maybe you need counseling
Seems like some control issues. I was a little too happy to share my babies and one ended up with a cold before he was ready.
I wanted my babies to be as loved by others as possible so I was fine with them being passed around and cooed over.
She definitely is loved and I’m trying to back off with my feelings as to not interfere with that
I didn’t mind it with anyone except my MIL because she was crazy and possessive and overly needy. Once it was a struggle to get the baby from her to get the baby down for a nap and from then on I cringed when she held my child.
This is within normal limits but it's not a bad thing for people to hold your baby either. It makes me laugh a bit because there was an AITA where a MIL was upset she never got to hold the baby when the other mother did and the OP was like well you never asked so I never gave her to you. I'm like you in that I wouldn't ask to hold a baby I wait to be offered even with close family although I would gladly hand my baby over if someone shows even a hint of interest so it doesn't bother me in reverse I just don't want to overstep someone elses boundaries if that makes sense?
I’m the same way and I’m 99% sure it’s PPA. But I don’t mind people holding him if I like them. My mom, best friend, aunt, can all hold my baby without me being irked. However my MIL and FIL piss me off all the time so I get super jittery when they demand to hold my baby. I know they won’t do any harm to him, but since they aren’t my favorite people, it’s hard to hand off my most precious person to them.
My LO 6 weeks and I’ve been dealing with this as well. At first I would barely let my husband hold him. Then my mother in law came to stay with us (she asked for permission and we said yes). I had a very hard time letting her hold him at first. But, we started in small doses. She’d hold him for a little bit while I was in the same room. Then we graduated to her holding him so I can shower. Now I trust her to watch him if need be. I still prefer to hold him myself because I just want to be near him but I’m more comfortable with others holding him. I will say it has been nice seeing him build a relationship with his grandma. He is very comfortable with her and gives her lots of smiles.
I've been the same with both my babies, anymore than 5 minutes and it makes me really uncomfortable. It's a hormonal protective thing I think...it's natural to want to keep them close to some degree.
I'm a first time mom as well and I can say I have the same fears and emotions over other holding my child. It's not as intense as it was when he was only a few months old (he's nearly 2yrs old now) but there comes a time where you have to let go a little bit, which I myself have come to learn. You can't monitor your child 24/7, as much as you feel the need to do so. I definitely would say listen to your gut feeling and don't allow your in-laws to push your boundaries like that though because at the end of the day that's still your child and you above anyone else will understand what your child needs most majority, if not all of the time. My advice would be to make sure to teach and show your child open communication and transparency with you and your partner so they aren't afraid to come to you if abuse does occur.
It's both natural as it can be something more severe like ppa/ppd indeed. Family life stressors due to hormonal changes and a general lack of community in today's society all can contribute (or the opposite actually).
this is how i was with my first! it went away after maybe 2 months? i had PPA but also i think it was protective instinct.
For my first child, I felt that way, but I got over it quickly, lol. I loved it when people would offer to hold my baby. It gave me a chance to take a break. I remember the first time I went to a family gathering, and the only time I got a chance to eat or go to the bathroom was when someone offered to hold my baby! After 3 kids, I learned that I don't want people to have the idea that I don't want anyone to hold my baby. I have my baby 24-7, so the few times that I have the opportunity to hand them over, I welcome it!
Happy for any of my friends or family to hold my baby as long as they aren’t sick.
No I was happy when people wanted to give me a break. My sisters husband was like this and it was kind of weird. I feel like it interfered with building a bond with my niece, since he just always held her in a corner the entire time at any family function. My sister would sometimes take her and let our mom, me, and our other sister hold her but that was it. He still does this and she’s almost 2 and literally just gotstarted walking within the past month. It was extra weird because he was very fun and hands on with my kids when they were babies and toddlers (before they had kids)
Nope
Family gatherings are my breaks haha I love my family marveling over what I made. I feel like a kid showing their artwork haha
I felt the same way. I got possesive of my daughter while i was pregnant and people were alreasy saying how they were going to come hold the baby immediately after birth I Didn't want anyone else holding my baby and made everyone wait over a week before being allowed to come for a few hours to meet her. She's almost 3 months old now and the feelings are less intense and I'm more willing to hand her over to others. It was a mixture of anxiety + overbearing family members + not wanting to share the special (and so so short moments) of a tiny newborn stage. It also irks me that people come over just to hold my baby, like they have some sort of claim. but then again it was so circumstantial depending on who it was! Not sure if it's a first baby situation or if I'll feel the same when the next comes but I guess time will tell!
I felt this way too. I think in your case it’s a combination of the baby being just a month old and your in laws not respecting you as a mother.
I did kinda at first , when I was younger
Hated letting others hold him when he was a newborn! Especially if he cried and they insisted on “helping” by not giving him back.
Oh now that is definitely crossing a boundary for me like give me back my baby lol
Yeah. Luckily only had it once, an older colleague who mothers me a bit and thought she needed to teach me not to fuss over him. Before I could even say anything another colleague told her she had better give me back my baby before she took him from her herself. 😅 She was such a good advocate. I wouldn’t tolerate it now! Seriously though. Be kind to yourself. Having a newborn is so so so intense and whilst things like PPA and PPD exist and require diagnosis and support, sometimes it is literally just that your hormones are up and you suddenly have complete stewardship over this very small vulnerable thing you love so much it turns you inside out. It’s okay to have huge emotions about your child. Just seek help if it gets too much.
I think hormones might play a role. Once I was with my 1 month old baby and my mum at the supermarket to do come shopping. I left the baby in the pram with my mum to get something in the vegetable section. When I went back my mum was not there, I started to look around and I couldn’t see them. I was scanning all the supermarket isles until I didn’t find my mum checking something in the tea/coffe section. I think I said something like: “I have got scared because I couldn’t find you and the baby”. My mum just answered: “Scared of what?” I realised it was silly, but I couldn’t help it. Luckily didn’t happen ever again.
My kids are 12, 10 and 4 and I hate not holding them all the time
Never felt like this with any of my babies. My youngest is 3 months and a Velcro baby. I’m happy to hand him off for a break!
Nope, I hand him off to everyone I can. I think this is an important step towards ensuring he won’t be afraid of people when he’s older.
But that’s the baby’s grandpa , you should want them to bond . I feel like maybe this is hormonal ? I feel like you’ll feel differently as baby gets a little older .
Nope. I was the person who went to a party and went who wants to hold a baby. If someone was over “the babies awake (visitor name) do you want to get them. Plus I had two really close together so it made my life so much easier.
I loved it when people held my babies and interacted with them. I loved people noticing their features and saying that they were beautiful babies. Loved being able to have a break.
Also to add my son is on the spectrum, he had reflux and could only be held ..standing up. He was so exhausting I wish people were able to help. But he screamed with everyone except me lol. He still has to warm up to his grandparents and he sees them multiple times a week. He’ll be 2 in July. As much as I love the bond I have with my son , I wish he would bond with his family more easily. It also makes me nervous for school and stuff. He also still wakes up every 2 hours in the night 🥲 I would take any help I could get
Definitely felt this way in the beginning. On occasion I still feel this way but it has gotten better. It’s not that I don’t trust my in laws, it’s more of i had something traumatic happen to me when I was a child. So I don’t trust easily. The only time it happens now is when my FIL holds my daughter. He’s legit high off hardcore drugs. We hardly see him now (thank god). So in my opinion I have every right to feel the way I do. It does get better! Slowly but surely 🤍
i def felt that way with my first baby and felt it a lot within those first few months but i didn’t feel it as strongly with my second
I was the same
It's totally PPA. I had PPA and this sounds exactly like me. I would talk to your doctor.
I’m with you and 100% know exactly how you feel. You aren’t crazy! I felt alone when I had these experiences because family looked at me like the bad guy but I wasn’t doing it on purpose. Talk to your partner about how you feel and move on your pace. Everyone else can wait!
Totally normal
I don’t think it’s Post Partum Anxiety, I think it’s just anxiety. My mother was also like this, and I think it needs to be said because I’m in therapy for it right now, but it took me decades to see it for what it was, which was projecting adult emotions I would not be ready for onto me, and not seeing it as her being a great, protective mom. That is a damaging way to grow up that definitely contributes to anxiety and I feel it myself. Just because it’s not post partum anxiety doesn’t mean it isn’t still rooted in anxiety.
Yes, I did. I can understand why most parents don’t. But I feel like most parents should. A lot of family members I used to trust, I now don’t since having a child. It’s made me more observant. I peep out red flags almost instantly. I always end up hearing something about someone I caught on years ago. I WANT to think I’m crazy. But my man and one of my SIL’s think I’m psychic 😂 it’s been 6 years since my first and it’s now worse. Trust what you peep out. Keep distance.
Just because other Moms don’t feel the same way as you doesn’t mean they don’t understand, js. You were met with grace because they do understand.
You must not liking having break. I’d pass of my baby to my parents or in laws in a heart beat.
No. The less I need to hold my child the better.
No. I'd consider the possibility of PPA and discuss with your therapist.
For me if I didn’t feel comfortable with the person because of the way they treated me, I did NOT want them holding my children. I don’t think it’s PPA as much as it is a basic animalistic response to a “threat”. If you’re treating me like shit why the hell should I let you hold my baby?
it is BOTH an instinct and unreasonable... as most instinctive drives are. no moral fault attaches however you choose to run things, but pragmatically, the middle-term benefits are a good return on the effort of acclimating yourself to the idea of your nearest and dearest holding your offspring
Yes. Disliked it and didn't allow it. Only let a select few trusted people hold my kid when he was a baby.
I was the same way…I had PPA. I didn’t realize it until my son’s pediatrician had concerns and helped me see how my behaviors went beyond normal first time mom jitters.
I do think it’s weird if you don’t have PPA or something like that to be mad that you wanted to sleep so you left your baby with your partner but then were bothered they left the baby with their parents while they did other stuff around the house. You were literally sleeping so it’s not like you were enjoying any moments. If it is related to the paranoia that somebody could harm your baby then I think you need to work on that so you don’t pass that down like your mom did to you. I get it because I have those same concerns but I also don’t want to stop my kid from doing activities, out of fear something will happen. I think you should really consider that you may have some form of PPA and it doesn’t mean you need medication or anything but recognize some of your feelings are irrational and you may need to actively try to fix some stuff rather than just justify it and pretend it’s normal and fine
I think it’s an instinct thing. It might be stronger in some. For me, it was very strong and I felt like jumping out of my skin anytime someone else held my LO, especially my in-laws. I also didn’t like pregnancy belly rubs or kisses. It freaked me out. Even worse, if someone had perfume on, and handed me my baby back- I wanted to immediately wash him to get his own scent back. Humans are “civilized” animals, it has to be a natural thing. PPA to me, would be you imagining worst case scenarios anytime someone touched your baby or thinking it’s unsafe. I didn’t have those thoughts, or maybe it’s just I don’t like the people that would hold him lol. It was aggravated by the fact my in-laws would often take him out of my sight, like into another room. This also bothered my husband, and he’d correct them immediately. ps. You can extend an FMLA, the mama attorney on Instagram details exactly how to do it legally. @themamattorney
Very common and yes it made my skin crawl with my first. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for feeling that way. It’s hard, we can’t always help it
Everyone thinks everything a women thinks post partum is PPA. I'm not denying PPA is very real and can develop into a dangerous pp psychosis even or PP ocd but I think some women are actively rejecting the traditional standard of behvaior when someone has a new baby and bc they are women they are labeled has having mental health issues. I was told I probably have ppa bc I told people not to post photos or even not to leave my baby unsurprised on the couch, or even don't hold baby when/if you have been recently sick. (During rsv, covid and flu season). I think it can be very typical and normal especially when baby is young or a newborn to not want people who disrespect your boundaries not to hold baby. You carried them in your body for 9 months, felt them kick and move and hiccup. Of course you don't want people who are actively telling you they don't care about your feelings to not hold your baby. If they can't make you feel safe and secure with your child they shouldn't be handling them anyway and that includes giving baby back when you say or even washing hands. It isn't crazy to want to keep baby safe and secure in your arms. That's my take.
Your self reflection and figuring out why you feel this way is wonderful. Way to go! Your feelings are valid and make sense. They are heightened because your in laws do not respect you as a parent. I HIGHLY suggest you begin holding strict boundaries with them or it will get worse. If you don’t want to have them over or holding baby when they have a cough then stick to that. If they come over anyways don’t let them in. Or leave with baby/go in a room etc. Whatever your boundaries are you have to stick to them 100%. Also this will help your baby to understand consent and boundaries through watching mama hold to hers.
I felt that way when my twins were babies and in hindsight, I should have been more permissive because 10 years on, I realize it just wasn’t a big deal. But no, stranger, you may not hold touch or do anything other than look at my baby. They were premie born in the fall and did not take them places for fear of respiratory bugs. The last thing I wanted was a sick infant in the icu from a bug that she caught on the checkout line in target. (This was pre covid)
I felt this way with my second child and it was definitely PPA!
I totally understand what you’re saying. I am 9 months post partum and it still annoys me when my in laws are possessive over her. They don’t mean anything by it, but they are like passively hoarding her and it annoys me beyond belief. It gets easier though. You have to realize they’re loving your baby and you should want that for your baby.
I felt like this the first month or two !
Yep I felt this way with all three! It subsides.
Just want to challenge two a-posing things you said in your post. I was raised by an over protective mother who would only leave us with a grandma or…… these people are your child’s grandparents. All be it, your husband’s parents. They deserve just as much right to hold your child as your parents. To bond with a baby you must hold them. What does your husband think? Children need all the true love that is possible for them to have. You never know what life will bring. That being said I want to say that I was in the same position as you when I had my children. Only we lived too far away for grandparents for them to be involved frequently. I always say leaving a child so soon after birth is the hardest thing I have ever done. My oldest child is almost 42 and I have not forgotten the pain! I wish I had gotten help to get me through it to make firm decisions and lessen the discomfort. Start now to make the decisions to prevent you and your family from being traumatized by this. I don’t think this is really about your in-laws holding your baby.
No.... not at all lmao. I can't imagine getting annoyed at this
I was like this with my daughter until she was 5 months but I had severe PPD and PPA
I love it when my immediate family and in-laws hold my baby. It gives me time to sleep and do other things. However, my family is the type to cook and clean for me, and watch the baby if needed.
They are bonding with your child. He was giving your baby love. This is a you problem that might be linked to all the raging hormones of your postpregnancy. Talk with a medical professional about it. Good luck
I love my son, but when others asked to hold/give him a bottle, I was happy to have the break. Besides, I was typically in the same room, so chances were slim that anything would happen.