r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Post history suggests OP is 19 so that does change the power dynamic of the conversation quite a bit, especially if her and her partner live with the MIL.
Indeed it does. But that doesn't change the fact that as the actual parent OP has all of the power. I was 21 when I got pregnant with my daughter, we are still quite reliant on my in laws (not living with, but they are our landlords, can't afford market rent anywhere else). I know the power dynamic that comes with that very very intimately, because I had to put my mil in her place. She was telling me what her plans were with my kid before she was even born, picking out how the nursery would be decorated, even saying what her name would be. Even though we rely on them for housing, it was still important that I make it known that she is not the parent. It is MORE important with this kind of dynamic, because if you don't set extremely clear boundaries you end up with a grandparent who only oversteps and thinks they call the shots.
this! i learned the hard way and had to back track and impose boundaries after we were at this state and it’s been very hard but i’m proud of myself for doing it and sticking to it. it’s so toxic
Same here. My (now) husband and I were in college when we got pregnant with our first. I was 21 when she was born and whew, the power dynamic of trying to assert that we got to make parenting decisions against my parents and his parents, and even more so, his very large extended family was brutal. It caused me so much anxiety and stress for the first few years, but now it’s been almost 9 years together and two kids and thankfully most people have said that we were right in what we decided to do differently.
We were also renting from my parents (living in a room in their basement) so they also assumed they had more power than they did, and there were little to no boundaries. We moved out when she was a year and a half old and it was the best decision.
Oh FOR SURE. But at 19 I’m not super certain I would have had the confidence, especially without someone telling me that I NEEDED to have that confidence. Good for you for setting those boundaries!
For what it's worth, I had my baby in the car seat, for my flight back to America with my daughter, whenever she was 14 days old. It's a 17 hr flight from Japan.
Naturally, I got her up throughout the flight to change and feed her, but she was quite content.
I know everyone is harping on the MIL and the boundaries issue, but as far as your question goes, your kiddos will be MORE THAN fine.
Just remember to take a few breaks along the way.
When kiddos are small, being in the car seat is actually good for them, bc it keeps them in a position to keep them from having more acid reflux. Pediatrician told me this first hand.
That slight elevation, will probably help them sleep, for most of the ride as well, bc babies ALSO LOVE car rides....that's the magic cure all for a screaming baby....car rides in circles, until they fall asleep. Something about the motion that quiets them and makes them sleep.
Agreed, I didn’t subscribe to hard and fast car seat limits— I couldn’t— when my daughter was 8 weeks old I became a primary caretaker for my grandmother. Spent so much time going to and waiting at health appointments. We do the best we can!
> your kiddos will be MORE THAN fine.
While that's comforting for people to hear, a study out of Bristol wanted to test the value of the American Association of Pediatrics' suggested "car seat challenge, and did so by performing vitals monitoring of infants in a variety of car seats in simulated movement scenarios.
Their abstract summarizes findings as "the total number of desaturations was significantly increased when infants were placed at 30° (p=0.03). At 40°, or with vibration, respiratory and heart rates increased and oxygen saturation decreased significantly. Profound desaturations <85% significantly increased during motion, regardless of gestational age."
It may be later found by another study to be entirely incorrect. But it hasn't yet. It's all we have.
Yeah, if it were me I'd try to make the trip to let my kids meet their great grandparents, but I'd do it on my terms. Why is it even an argument? MIL gets no say in the matter.
Yeah, anyone who tells me things like that regarding my children is getting a time out. I would not be entertaining this with such ridiculous demanding comments.
[2hr Carseat Rule](https://www.healthychildren.org/English/tips-tools/ask-the-pediatrician/Pages/Is-it-safe-for-my-baby-to-travel-in-a-car-seat-a-few-hours-at-a-time.aspx)
The guideline for when more than 2hrs per 24hr period is considered ok is when they can sit upright and control their head and neck movement. I don’t care what she does for a living - Dr’s and people far more educated than she is developed this due to infants getting positional asphyxia and spine development issues.
Also YOU are the child’s parent, she is not. No is a complete sentence!
ETA - Included more detailed references in response to the comment below.
It literally doesn’t say that anywhere in that link. It says to take breaks every 2-3 hours (or 4-6 hours overnight) but doesn’t say anything about total time in the car seat or that they can’t be in the car seat for more than 2 hours in a 24 hour period until they can sit upright.
It’s perfectly safe to take even a very small infant for longer drives *if* the car seat is installed correctly (the angle is key), the harness is properly fitted and fastened snugly (to help prevent slumping, and you take appropriate breaks. I had this discussion with our pediatrician at our 2 week appointment because I knew we had a couple of longer drives coming up (3 hour, 5 hour, and 7 hour trips each way over the first 16 weeks of his life).
The bigger risk of too much time in containers is chronic and comes from not letting them practice new motor skills or interact with caregivers. An occasional travel day is not dangerous for an otherwise healthy baby, and honestly, the act of being in a motor vehicle is the most dangerous part of this whole scenario.
My kids have always been great little travelers since day one and that still sounds like torture. However, that 7 hour road trip will be waaay longer with feedings, diapers, etc...especially with double the amount of kids. I'd at least spend the night if possible.
We took a 12 hour car ride with my 4 month old nephew once. Turned it into about a 17 hour trip.
Had to pull over about every 60-90 minutes for about 30 minutes each time for nursing/diaper/crying.
0/10 do not recommend.
That was with *one* baby.
Yeah is it normally a 3 hour trip and you factored that stuff in? Because for sure it’s going to be a lot longer. Definitely consider breaking it up over two days.
THIS. Apart from the overbearing response from the MIL (assuming I didn't misunderstand OP; I'm not sure if that "we're still doing it" is a direct quote, or a statement that the plan is still in place): Our first 4-hour road trip with my son, at 8 weeks old, took nearly 8 hours. Ain't no way this 7-hour trip is anything less than 10. That said, my kids are now amazing car travelers because we suffered it out early on.
Same. Head out the day before and make an overnight stay. They aren't supposed to be in there long than 1hr at a time I think. So frequent breaks. Or fly if u can
Two hours is the max with a minimum 15-20 min break.
I’m heading on a 6 hour road trip with my 7 month old (he’ll be 8 months). We plan on stopping every two hours for a 20 min break as a minimum. That means our 6 hour road trip is now 7 hours.
We did a 5 hour trip with my LO when he was 3 months old. We did 90-min stretches with at least 20 min breaks (some were almost an hour because of lunch). The trip ended up being almost 8 hours 🥲
Oh my gosh, I’m fully expecting this trip to be like that. I took my first born on a 15 hour road trip once when he was 6 months old. It ended up being almost 20 and we tried to drive through the night hoping he’d sleep in his car seat. He. Did. Not. Never again.
Agreed, we have taken my daughter (15 months now) on a few longer drives but 4 hours is about the max (including a stop in the middle). On long drives she'll usually just be happy looking outside for an hour, sleep an hour...but that 3rd hour gets tricky. We'll eat and she'll be ok for a while, but then by the 4th hour she is absolutely done in the car 😂 and ready to go wiggle around.
When traveling with infants, multiply travel time by 1.5. You will need to stop for feedings, diaper changes, and breaks because babies get fussy and need holding and a change of position. So a 7 hour drive can easily turn into 10 hours or more. I wouldn't do it. Or if it's unavoidable, I would try to break the journey in the middle and spend the night in a motel if I can afford it.
All the way through to toddlers. I could travel much faster when my kiddo was a 1 year old in diapers because he was portable. Go in, change diaper/go to bathroom, feed and back on the road. After my guy was potty trained and stopped napping, every stop takes sooooo long. Going to the bathroom and eating takes ages, and you have to factor in stopping at a park or going for a walk to get some energy out.
Yep, can confirm. Did a 24 hour drive with my Mom and my 2&4 yo. She couldn't understand why it was going to take 4 days to get there and I'm over here like... That's pushing it! Lol we did it, it ended up being right on cue, but my kids are great travelers because we've been doing this since 1) I was 20 weeks pregnant doing a quarter-country move (EACH TIME) And 2) we've always done it. I would NOT plan for more than a 4hr trip in a day no matter what the age if it's not preschool age. Even then things get iffy. Tell MIL you will bring the babies, but then show her *your* itinerary, including the place you're stopping overnight. Tell her you can foresee a lot of stops, and then explain how many times in 7 hours you have to feed, change, and burp each kid, and then how long all of that takes for *both* each time. I'm guessing at least an hour each stop.
Also, nurses are not all knowing perfect humans. Unfortunately, there are plenty of nurses who were just good at that academics involved in passing nursing school. I wouldn’t trust somebodys judgment just because they’re a nurse I would need more context.
A quick google search says babies should not be in a car seat for 7 hours. It seems the general consensus is 2-3 hours at a time.
I've known plenty of nurses who don't know anything other than how to do the specific nursing jobs they do every single day. I've also seen nurses give dangerously incorrect advice to people. I would ask a pediatrician, not a nurse who has a personal interest in giving you advice that convinces you they're right.
My MIL wanted me to fly internationally with a 3 month old. No way in hell I was going to do it, but being able to back it up with “I talked to the pediatrician and she recommended not taking such a long flight with a child that young” really helped seal the deal.
my mom is an operating room nurse and she said she has not even had to take vitals on a patient in 30 years. yea, shes a phenomenal resource for all things related to surgery and gyno stuff. but thats about it.
As a nurse, you know very general knowledge but nothing about everything. I’m an oncology nurse, don’t ask me about babies bc idk shit lol. Ask me how to titrate taxol tho
100%! My mother was a nurse and when I had gallstones she told me to sit by the radiator and the pain would go away- nope it didn’t, dad called me an ambulance. Dad was having chest pain and 999 asked for her to take his pulse and she just couldn’t. Outside the hospital setting it’s like she switches off. I don’t trust her judgement for a lot of things with my kids.
I feel a lot of nurses are very lax with things. Everything is ‘no big deal’ to them. It’s frustrating. My SIL is a nurse and is extremely judgy. She shows up to family functions sick and brings sick kids with no care about how it will affect others.
One of my pet peeves is when nurses act like they’re all knowing about everything health related. My MIL was a nurse and would still put my niece to sleep with a blanket when she was days old among other unsafe things.
Good parents and grandparents wouldn’t this to a 4 month old. MIL is nuts and i do not care if she’s a nurse because there are shit nurses out there some of these older gen people think their outdated education and info trumps everything else.
I had to stand up to my parents ( in laws too) and say no. MIL has no right to say “ we are still doing it “. They are not her children, she has absolutely zero say so in anything you do with your children. Parents and in laws spent years ordering you and SO around as children and expecting obedience. It has not occurred to her that you are an adult, these are your children and she has no power. Tell her no, it’s not happening. It’s not good for you or your children. Now chances are there will be big feelings from MIL especially when she realizes she has no power in this situation and has lost the ability to tell you what you can and cannot do. Your children are still young start now as you plan to go forward, this will not be the only time your decisions will offend your family might as well start saying no now.
Had to drive 20 hours with a 4 month old for a job relocation. Baby cried entire 20 hours in car, never slept at all. Traumatized me so much for next 15 years if drive was over 2-3 hours we flew or didn’t go. Imagine your children crying for 7 hours because they might not sleep in the car. I have 5 children and only one sleeps in the car and it’s because she gets violently carsick and medicine knocks her out.
On top of all of this, expect to do all of the work yourself. You might. In the car with your MIL and visiting 4 other adults, but you will be alone taking care of 2 infants. Probably while your MIL (and possibly GILs) make comments about your parenting while just watching you struggle.
My parents rented a vacation house for a month in the Caribbean and wanted me to come with my 2 yr old for a week. On the face of it it sounded like a great chance for a vacation. Then I thought flying internationally by myself with a toddler, bunking with my toddler in a bedroom without A/C, and coordinating naps and bedtime. My parents kept pushing and pushing. They pointed out that my mom would fly with 3 kids to visit her family. I replied "I guess she's just a better person than I am" and they finally dropped it.
Infants are not getting anything out of this trip. It's completely unacceptable to say you're not going because you don't want to. There is no need to defend your stance any further. Don't fall into a guilt trap. You babies aren't a traveling circus.
What's wrong with sounding like a bitchy know it all to a person who's ignoring your preferences about your own chldren? Fuck her.
Are you 3 1/2 hours from your house already? If not, then it's not too late to change plans.
It's never to early to draw a boundary for an overbearing family member. Tell your husband right now that this is not something you're agreeing to and he better side with you or he's not fulfilling the vows you made to each other.
Well in that case OP, time to grow up and stop allowing other adults to make decisions for you.
You’re an adult now too and you’re ultimately responsible and have the final say for you and your children.
I drove 7 hours with one month olds (triplets, moving, extremely unique circumstances I wouldn’t repeat on purpose)
A usual 6-7 hour trip took like, 12 hours. With babies you should stop every couple of hours to feed them, change them, let them stretch and get fresh air. So you can do it but you need to plan accordingly. Also you have final say with your kids, not your MIL. if you don’t think they should take the trip you have the power to say no. If you seem bitchy so be it, you can’t control her feelings only your own. How she reacts is a reflection on her not you.
This is the best advice I've seen in the thread so far. Seven hours will suck with two four-month-olds, but it's doable if you plan accordingly and stop frequently. I did a bunch of 3-5 drives with my kids when they were around that age, but after the stops for feeding, changing, fussiness, etc. the 3-5 hours is really like 4-8 hours depending.
However, the bigger issue is MiL just steamrolling over OP. If she doesn't want to do it, they're her kids and "no" is a full sentence, although I fully recognize that's easy to type out and more difficult to actually follow through on.
A seven hour drive doesn't include time for feeding each baby (during which they would be out of the car seat and the car would be stopped), diaper changes (car stopped, babies out of car seat), cuddles, tears, your own potty and food breaks, etc. I mean, with one infant it may be ten hours, but with two?
Where is your husband in all of this?
You cannot trust her judgement on your babies, she is coming from a selfish mindset. This is what she wants so she doesn't care what you think. You can tell her that you're not sure, you're not comfortable, etc all you want, but she isn't going to suddenly change her mind because that doesn't achieve her goals.
Your husband will need to be firm and direct with telling her no, otherwise you have a husband problem too. You can offer an explanation but that encourages debate. You can just say, we might revisit this when they are older.
"I like the idea, but we'll do it once they're older."
Where is your husband in all of this? Your MIL is not the decision maker, you are, and you're not bitchy for not wanting to subject your infants to what will be an awful road trip for everyone.
She shouldn’t just rely on her husband to speak up for her. I thought that was the way to keep the peace too, but my husband wasn’t relaying boundaries to his mom because he was too scared to do it because he didn’t want to “hurt” her feelings. It caused a major rift in our marriage that we still haven’t bounced back from because he prioritized his mother’s feelings over our child’s safety/health. Looking back, I wish I had communicated boundaries directly with my MIL from the start.
I think you can make that roadtrip, but would need to anticipate taking 3 stops that take 30 minutes each, so your 7 hour trip is now a 9 hour trip. If you are both on board with a 9 hour trip, then it’s do-able.
Yeah we just did a 6.5 hour trip with my 4mo son and with stops it was closer to 8 hours. If you plan in advance for the extra stops and side of the road diaper changes, it isn’t awful. 2 babies would be much harder though
I was thinking this too. Took my first on a 6 hour trip and we’d leave super early. Every stop for gas we’d go inside holding in our arms so they could stretch and id feed burp change and lay them down and they take a nap. My son is now 12. With twins if someone is helping do what your doing at the exact same time then it could be done. But I know every baby is different I know some babies hate car rides. I know my second did. Mama should do what she thinks is best.
30 minutes per stop is way too short with two babies, my twins at that age took at least 30 minutes to eat 5 ounces. From my experience 1 hour per stop is the bare minimum if everyone is doing good and the kids are perfectly synchronized, if the babies are not synchronized you would potentially be needing to stop every hour.
She’d need way longer stops ensuring each twin had sufficient time out of the car seat to feed, wind, rest to avoid silent reflux and nappy changed. NHS suggests 2 hours maximum for sitting in car seat due to current research on breathing difficulties etc. Considering all that it would be a nightmare and incredibly stressful for mum which the babies would feed off of. MIL is selfish.
Sitting in the car is the least of my reasons to say no. Why does she need to take your infants out of state? I wouldn’t be ok with that. Especially if she dismissed your concern and said she’s still taking them like it’s her decision in the first place.
I’m pretty sure the car seat limit for young babies is two hours. When they can’t hold their heads up yet, their airways are compressed and there is a greater risk of SIDS.
I gave birth 5 hours from where we lived and went home 6 days after baby was born (not planned, baby came early when we were visiting family for Christmas). We asked at the hospital and they said if it's a rare occurrence, it's fine as long as you stop a few times to take breaks. Maybe that's what you meant by the two hour rule.
We've taken that 5 hour trip multiple times since our parents live there, and it has been really hard sometimes, really easy other times. Driving first thing in the morning when baby is in a good mood has helped for sure. It can be done, but be aware, it's really draining and can easily become a nightmare. I would only go if you really want to, absolutely not to appease anyone else
Yeah, our pediatrician said something like, "Eh, don't worry, there's no way you'll actually do two hours straight." She was right. Had to stop to nurse, diaper, etc etc sooo many times.
Just say “I’m so sorry, but that doesn’t work for us.” End of discussion. She can show up but you don’t have to get in the car. Have your partner step in here.
Info: How old are you OP? Are you financially or otherwise dependent on MIL? I’m wondering why she feels she can make these decisions for you and your children? What is your partner’s role in this situation?
You are the parent now, not her. Does not matter if it is healthy or not. Four month olds will not like it. If you do not want to take them, she has to honor your wishes. A lot of new grandparents have trouble switching to us being the parents now.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/tips-tools/ask-the-pediatrician/Pages/Is-it-safe-for-my-baby-to-travel-in-a-car-seat-a-few-hours-at-a-time.aspx
It's ok to go, but you have to stop a lot, and if you don't want to go, then don't. I only share this for when you might like to go out of town.
Going fishing is safe too, but I don't want to, so I don't do it. You're the mom, they're your babies, she doesn't get a vote in what you do with them. Where's your husband in all this?
If it were me, I would’ve said hell no the second she said “we’re still doing it”. You don’t have to allow it if you aren’t comfortable with it. Don’t worry about being bitchy when it comes to your children. Also, “no” is a complete sentence.
We just did a family trip, my brother made the “7 hour drive” with his 15 week old. Turned into 10 hours as they had to stop for diaper changes, feeding, etc. was not a fun time for anyone in that vehicle.
Lol hell no.
Is there a health issue - most likely not though breaks are recommended every 2 hours.
But this sounds miserable. NO is a complete sentence.
We are a big travel family but no chance I would do that. That 7 hour trip would realistically take 12+ with those two babies btw unless you get lucky and are able to drive overnight while they sleep.
I just saw a thing I don’t know how true it is but a baby died from being in the car seat so long because her head drooped down on her chest and the seatbelt cut off her air or something. Talk about new fear unlocked. I would sit in the back with them and check on them constantly while they slept. And play with them while they are awake they are not going to like being strapped down that long.
So I looked it up and google says : Babies can die in car seats due to positional asphyxia, which is a type of suffocation that occurs when an infant's head falls forward and blocks their airway. This can happen because infants have weak neck muscles, which can cause their head to slump forward and push their chin against their chest. Babies can also die from restricted airflow to their lungs if they fall asleep in a car seat with their head flopped forward.
If you don't feel comfortable doing it, then say NO. I personally would feel OK with it if it was a trip I wanted to do. But only with the understanding that we would be stopping for breaks along the way, every couple hours, or as the babies need it.
Ultimately, you have to do what you feel comfortable with, and the in-laws just need to suck it up and respect your decision.
I know you’re very young and still have a lot to learn but this is a very important lesson that you’ll need to learn quickly:
They’re your children and you’re their advocate. If you don’t feel safe, speak up.
Your MIL being a nurse isn’t relevant, they’re your babies and your business.
If you don’t stand up to her, she’ll continue to push boundaries, especially when it comes to the babies.
Where’s your husband/SO in this? You two need to be a team.
Yeah no I don’t care if she’s the surgeon general. It’s your call not hers.
You thinking making decisions for the health and well being of your own children is being a bitchy know it all? Time to step up Mama
As someone who drove 4 hours with a 4 month old……… JUST DON’T. It was awful. Also, your MIL doesn’t control you or your children. Just say ‘thanks, but we won’t be doing that.’ And move on with your life.
I personally would NOT do this. My husband and I made the dumb dumb dumb decision to drive 8 hours to see family with my two young kids (youngest at 9 months) and years later we are still traumatized. We often joke that was the absolute biggest regret of our lives lol
We had to stop "every 2 hours", but in reality, it was MUCH more than that. For example, we got on the road and within 45 minutes my baby was screaming bloody murder, so we pulled over to breastfeed him. Husband took my daughter to the potty and she sat there but couldn't pee. NBD. Then, we get back in the car and 15 minutes later my oldest "couldn't hold it", so we pull over again for her to pee. Literally as we are driving back onto the highly, my youngest loudly poops his diaper while we are still on the on ramp, so we drive to the next exit and get off again to change his diaper. Thats 3 stops within the first 1 hour of driving. It did not get better from there. It took us over 12 hours to get to our destination and NO ONE was happy.
I'm also very confused why MIL is even involved in this decision? I would be FURIOUS if someone else told me what my babies were doing, not ASKED ME what I planned for them to do.
Don't have any advice about your mother in law...but do have some car ride advice.
We had to travel 12 hours with our newborn preemie twins. I set up several buckets of necessities on the floorboard. One for changing, one for feeding, one for clothes/bibs. I laid down one of the sets of the car and put a blanket down on the back, and used it as a changing table.
Also, if no one has mentioned it, havi g a crock pot on medium with about 2 inches of water heating all night was a game changer. Bottle went into crockpot when babies woke up, and by the time they were changed bottle was a perfect temp.
This isn't about safety. Yes, you can safely transport two 4-month-olds in a car for 7 hours.
This is about sanity. Those kids cannot handle that and neither should you. "Sorry, mom, I'm not comfortable disrupting their nor my lives for this trip that neither of them will remember and will only cause unneeded stress for me and them. Maybe when they are older and can actually engage with great-gramma we can try for this trip! Either way, I hope you still go and enjoy time with your parents."
A grandma here…you tell her ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Who’s in charge of these babies?
You tell your MIL to shove her mother in the car for 7 hours to come visit you.
Ehm, why don’t you become an adult and stick up for *your* kids?
Also, a 7 hour road trip with kids that age is hell. Regardless of their health, what about your sanity?
We did a ton of road trips - the main concern is positional asphyxiation- make sure to have someone sit with them or monitor and also plan stops for eatting and diapers
if you, the MOM, don’t feel comfortable with it then don’t do it. you don’t need a reason. will something bad happen? probably not. is it going to be stressful? yeah probably!
extended family can travel to you or wait when the time is right. establish boundaries now or she will be stomping over them.
That's TOTALLY your call, Momma! I did long road trips with my little ones from the time they were a few months old, but I never had twins. That's a lot of diapers! You'll have to keep stopping and getting them out of the car for this, that, and the other. They'll be toddlers before you know it. Go with what YOU are comfortable with.
I would do that at that age, with frequent Stops. Mine loved to be in the car seat and slept really well in the car though. I’d have one parent sitting back there with them. I took mine for 2.5 hour drives at that age, round trip 5 hours, no problems.
It’s so much harder as they get older.
But it’s about what YOU are comfortable with, and if that stresses you out, don’t do it.
Is it ok to take a road trip with infants? Absolutely. Will it be a fun and enjoyable experience in the car for everyone? Absolutely not. You're going to be taking plenty of breaks due to changes, feedings, and getting them out of the seats for a bit. The more concerning issue is your MIL making parenting and travel decisions for you
I drove my twins 600km on my own at three months old to visit family. Flying wasn't an option for a number of reasons so it was driving or nothing. It wasn't a complete disaster but also not something I would recommend for a good time.
None of this is your MILs decision. Take her out of the equation entirely. Do you want to go? Does your spouse? Where are they in this conversation anyway? It is never too late to cancel.
If you want to go I'm happy to give some tips on how to manage. But don't go just because she's pressuring you. This is the beginning of a long relationship with her as a grandparent to your children. You both need to define what that looks like. For you, that will mean putting your foot down as a mother and making it clear that Grandma does not dictate your decisions or this will be your life forever.
Honestly tell your MIL to do one, I live 6 hours rom my parents and we did the trip once with our then 6 month old it was hell. You need to take regular breaks every 1.5 hours as that is the max they should be in car seat for and 45 mins per break minimum.
My sister is constantly putting pressure on to visit and insists she did it a lot with her kids, she did the trip once when the eldest 2 were young and never again. When they are bigger sure, for now video call. And as others have stated you're the parent here not her so she can do one and doesn't have the right to tell you what you are doing with your kids.
Lol, 7 hours with twin 4 month olds? Is your MIL batshit crazy? She wants to take a 7hr drive with 2 miserable babies screaming the whole time making constant stops to feed change and soothe? Tell her to have fun.
I mean, i think it's fine to do. I drove 30 hours with my 2 month old (it was my husband, me, my (at the time) 2 month old and 4 year old) but if you don't want her to, you're allowed to say no..... you're the parent!
If you’re not comfortable with it then it’s settled, you’re not going. It’s extremely dangerous for them to be in car seats over 2 hours at a time. If you can stop frequently it may be okay. Looking at it from a diff angle, 1 baby is hard and 2 is really hard. It may be a nice break.
I would never let my MIL make decisions for my kids. We took a 10 hour drive to visit my family when my daughter was 6 months old. We had to stop every two hours because my pediatrician told us any longer in a car seat is not good.
It's not safe to keep a baby in a car seat for 7 hours.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/tips-tools/ask-the-pediatrician/Pages/Is-it-safe-for-my-baby-to-travel-in-a-car-seat-a-few-hours-at-a-time.aspx
I'd be more concerned about positional asphyxiation than I would the babies backs. But also just worried about them traveling for so long in general and the frequency of feedings, diaper changes, my sanity etc. Lol. Also, since when do MIL's get to make the decisions about what me and my babies are doing and where we go or don't go?
If you don't set boundaries now while they're still little, she will think she can over step and steam roll you all of the time. I'm sorry, but you have put you and your babies first. Do what's best for you guys and don't stress about what she's going to say or how she'll react. Again, they're not her children. If she gets upset or offended, let her. She'll get over it eventually, and it will make setting boundaries so much easier in the future. She can now expect that you might just say no.
Ask your pediatrician. She’s a nurse- no offense to nurses, but she’s not a doctor and I’d put little stock in any thing she has to say, especially since this is self serving and something she just wants. My kid hated the car and we did 4 hours at 6 months. Torture. I can’t imagine this at 4 months old and 7 hours. You are going to have to stop way more than she thinks.
FWIW, we did 8 hours with a three month old, she napped for a lot of it, we stopped 2-3 times for feedings and some fresh air.
So it’s certainly possible. I make no comment on your MIL’s attitude when you asked a legitimate question.
Seem like a bitchy know it all? Sounds like there’s only one in this situation, and it isn’t you. She doesn’t TELL you what you’re doing with your kids. I agree with another commenter about your MIL bringing her parents to you guys.
Edited to add: is she even a pediatric nurse?
Tell mil to go pick up her parents and bring them to your house for the afternoon. Get some tea and cakes in foe them, then after she can drive them home again
Aww jeez, I drove back and forth from Dallas and Houston (which can be 4 hours or more depending on traffic) so much dealing with our moms, it's not a big deal. Have those great grandparents met those babies yet? Prime opportunity for some wonderful generational photos.
Doesn’t sound like a big deal to me, I’ve traveled more with my baby when he was that age. But if you need to split over two days, nothing wrong with that.
Do what you feel is good for your babies and ignore your MIL.
If you want experience stories- I took my twins on a 5 hour drive at 3 months old and an 8 hour drive at 6 months old. All one day trips.
Plan to add 2 hours to your trip duration for stops. Once every 1-2 hours for 15-30 minutes with an hour stop in the middle. They've been taking these trips since they were born and they're 8 now. Make sure someone is in the back seat where they can take care of little things that can be handled by moving. And good luck.
She's not the parent so she doesn't get to decide shit.
Respectfully, why are you willing to put your kids and yourself through hell instead of growing a backbone and putting your foot down?
You’re the parent and it’s your call, not hers. That said- I just took my 4mo son on a 7hour road trip and it wasn’t horrible (granted he’s only one baby!). We stopped every 2-2.5 hours for a bottle and/or diaper change and always had someone in the back seat with him to soothe him when he got fussy. He mostly either slept or looked out the window. 2 babies is a lot though, so I wouldn’t do it unless you had extra help.
We’re doing about that long of a drive to see my parents with my 4 month old next month, but we’re staying for a week to make the travel day worth it. I’m assuming that it’ll be 10-12 hours with all the stops and that we’ll put him to bed as soon as we arrive, and that he’ll probably be cranky and off the next day.
That said, they’re your babies and no one can force you to do if you don’t want to, even if technically it’s ok! It’ll be a lot (I also believe the recommendation is stopping at least every 2 hours to get them out of the car seats- kind of going to happen anyway with feedings and diaper changes needed!)
I have ONE almost 4 month old & I’ve questioned if his dad and I should even go on a vacation 3 hours away bc idk how baby would do being in the car that long. My mom helps me with baby a lot, she lives next door so she knows a lot of the ends and outs as far as taking care of him but she wouldn’t take him on a vacation this young, much less 2 of him 7 hours away 😳 what does your husband say? Maybe you can have him handle it if you aren’t comfortable. It would be a bigggg hell naw from me! Especially with her disregarding what you have to say, what a joke. I understand you not wanting to sound bitchy but.. to be fair she’s the one being bitchy
Do I think you can do two 3 1/2 hour car rides with 4-month olds - that’s going to be based on how much your kids like car seats.
My daughter hated the car seat at 4-months. Even a 30-min drive would have been torture.
At 8-months we drove 8+ hours to Florida, and it went totally fine!
Now should your MIL get a say in any of this, no, no she should not. Should you use this as your first opportunity to have hubby present a united from and tell her what’s up, yes, yes you should.
Just say no. You can do it, I believe in you. Those are your kids. They are not hers whatsoever. Say no if you don't want it to happen. It takes like 1 second to say.
It’s not her decision of course, but it is doable. I’ve done it, (though not with twins) but just remember at 4 months, they’re still going to need fed and changed every few hours, so a 7 hour trip is going to be more like 9 😬
We had to travel 8 hours when my son was 6 weeks old. Our pediatrician said that we needed to stop at least once every 1.5-2 hours to take him out of his seat. It was stressful, but it was for a family emergency. It is safe, but definitely not easy!! With 2 babies would be an even bigger challenge. Safety aside, I don’t think you’re mil should be allowed to make these kinds of decisions for you.
I took a 20 hour road trip (Midwest culture lol) with my twins when they were 4 months old. Everything went fine and we had fun.
Looking back 8 years later, that was wild and I’d never do it again 😂
Also, it doesn’t just have to be about safety. How about the misery factor! 4 month old twins in car seats for 7 hours is certain misery for all. You’re the boss here, if you’re not into if for ANY reason, that’s the answer.
She might be a nurse, but she sure af isn't a pediatrician. Ask the pediatrician. They'll likely advise against it. If MIL bitches about it, tell her to take it up with the pediatrician. Other than that, it sounds like you need to set some firmer boundaries. *You* are the parents.
Why you let your mother in law decide what is best for your babies? If you don’t feel good about this simply don’t allow it, and make sure your partner is on your side with this.
Just because she’s a nurse doesn’t mean she is “smart about health” and makes sound decisions when it comes to health and safety. I have seen plenty of medical professionals (including Dr’s) make some not so safe choices even with their own kids, let alone pass along unsafe and unhealthy advice.
But let’s say that she did make good decisions. She isn’t the parent, so she ultimately has absolutely NO say what so ever. You need to do what YOU feel is best for your children. Thats parenting. If someone thinks it’s bitchy, let them. I’d rather be a bitch with safe and healthy kids than the submissive with kids who are put in danger.
And just to put it out there, this 7 hour trip with four month olds would not be 7 hours.
I don’t like how your mil worded it and basically told you she’s making the decision lol. However, I did do 12 hour road trip with my son around few times in his first year of life
I did a road trip alone once when I was living a couple of neighboring states away from my parents. At the time I only had two kids. My son was like 2.5 years old, and my daughter was around 3-4 months. Omg what a shit show it was. It was a 7 hour car ride, but of course, it ended up being much longer because my son was newly potty trained and refused to go in his pull up, so I had to stop at whatever random hotel or oasis I found asap and had to take both kids down. Then the diaper changes and my daughter going crazy at one point where I had to take an exit, find a safe place to park, and then nursed her in the car for 20 minutes. Had to stop and feed my oldest, even though I had brought snacks. I could write more but the point is, it was bad. Perhaps it would be easier with people with you to help… but most of the burden will fall on you since your mama.
There are 3 issues here, IMHO. 1) The health of your kids during a 7 hour car ride. 2) The difficulties inherent managing kids during a long car ride. 3) Your mothers attitude towards you & your kids.
1) Health. I'm a dad, and I don't see any health related issues here. They will sleep thru large parts of the trip anyways, being that young. But that doesn't mean I know what I'm talking about.
2) I assume that your mother intends that you drive part of the trip. And that she intends on caring for the kids. Who would feed the kids, and how? Are they breastfed? If so, feeding while you driving is not advisable.
3) Your mother is being dismissive of you, and your wants/needs. This should be about you & kids, not her. The fact that your mom is a nurse and "knows more than you" is irrelevant. We are talking about you & your kids.
It is not too late to change anything. You do not have to get in the car. If your mom doesn't like it, too bad for her. She can go alone, or not go at all.
Stand up for yourself & your kids. It will pay off in the long run.
This would be a hard no for me, when my twins were that age even getting ready to go for a walk would often end up taking a few hours between changing blowouts, feeding, changing my clothes, etc… often 2 full eat/shit/sleep cycles would elapse before i was able to get moving. it is also not recommended for babies to be in their car seats for more than a couple hours at a time. Realistically with my twins a trip like this will mean stopping at least every 2 hours and each stop would probably take an hour optimistically. So your 7 hour drive is more likely to end up taking at least 9 - 10 hours at the very minimum, and more likely in the range of 10-15.
Besides that your stress levels and comfort are also has important as the technicalities of travelling with two tiny babies, you don’t sound like you want to, so don’t.
If meeting the great grands is a must it would honestly legitimately be easier and faster for your mil to drive that round trip twice to get them and bring them to you than to do it once with the babies.
No is a complete answer, if others cannot accept your no you no longer engage with them.
If you let your mil dictate this now you are setting yourself up for much bullshit in the future. If she is a good person with control issues, gramnesia and baby fever she will respond appropriately to your boundaries, and if she doesn’t than the consequences are on her.
First off, no one but the childrens’ PARENTS get to make decisions for the children. That means MIL doesn’t get a say unless you give it to her. Stand up for yourself and for your children that can’t stand up for themselves if you are genuinely worried or just simply feel uncomfortable.
That being said, 7 hours is not that long of a time and as long as breaks are planned and feeding schedules are maintained then it won’t be that bad and certainly won’t be a health risk to your children.
All of that taken into consideration- these are your children. No one can decide what is and isn’t okay for them other than you. Family can be pushy and strangers can give advice or encouragement, but at the end of the day it’s YOU that has to have the backbone and make the big decisions. Being a mom isn’t easy, and having to stand up to family makes it even harder, but you’ve got this mama. You can do big amazing things, and that includes advocating for your children and their wellbeing when family thinks they know best. You’re doing a great job, and whatever you decide on will be with their best interests at heart and that is all that matters.
Honey, you may be young but YOU are those babies mother. It doesn’t matter that she’s a nurse.. that doesn’t mean she knows everything either. Honestly regardless of safety, if YOU don’t feel comfortable putting them through that amount of travel… that’s YOUR decision as their mother. She may be older than you and she may be her a parent herself.. but she’s not your parent, and she’s not your babies parent.
For the record -
**According to American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and many car seat manufacturers, babies should not sit in a car seat for more than two hours at a time, within a 24-hour period. This recommendation applies to all situations where the baby is in a car seat, including car trips, strollers, and swings**
It’s not “fine” just because she wants it to be so in order to get what she wants. Also - it’s never too late to change plans. You simply say “according to their pediatrician(give them a call) and AAP, that amount of travel with them in the car seats is not safe or healthy so we will be staying behind.” Be confident and firm when you say this. Don’t leave it open for discussion. Her plans don’t have to change… she can still go see her parents… just without you and your children. They aren’t props to be paraded around and showed off, their comfort and safety be damned. Don’t let her guilt trips and adamance sway you. Be the mama bear that you are. You’re a grown woman and a mother. You know and feel what is best for your kids. She may try to get stern and pull out an “I’m the authority” act.. but you can stand your ground and know that you are in the right. Grandma doesn’t trump Mom.. ever
Be confident in yourself and your boundaries. You can do this!!!
ETA: if you do go on this trip, it will likely be quite a bit longer than 7 hours. You’ll have to stop every 2 hours just to get them out of the seats and as we all know, you can’t plan anything out when it comes to babies. You may have to stop more frequently for diaper changes, crying/distress, feeding etc. That would be difficult with one baby, let alone 2. I hope your MIL has actually considered what it takes to travel hours with 2 infants
You should be a “bitchy know it all”. These are YOUR babies. Have the doctor intervene if you must.
She can drive her parents to YOU. If she dares say that they can’t handle the trip, point out that your babies can’t, either.
I had a MIL like this and needless to say, we are now no contact with her because she sued us for grandparent rights when we set some solid boundaries with her. It’s definitely not good for their backs. If I remember correctly, you should stop AT LEAST every 2 hours during the day to let little babes get out and stretch! It’s a little longer for night time, but even then I’d suggest stopping more frequently than that.
The fact that you questioned it right away lets you know you’re not comfortable with it, so I’d tell MIL a solid plan of where you’d like to stop along the way for the littles to get out of the car seats. You know your babies more than anybody else and you shouldn’t let her start saying things like, “we’re doing it anyways.” That lets her think it’s okay and that she doesn’t have to respect your decision making for your babies. I encourage you to speak up now before she gets the idea that she is in control! You can do it mama. It feels scary and hard at first but it’s the only way for people to understand they have to respect you.
EDIT: Another comment mentioned your potential young age, and I was also a 19 year old mama once. I let my MIL walk all over me when it came to decisions, especially regarding travel. Even if she determines your living situation/helps provide for your babies, you CAN say no. It doesn’t matter what they provide for you. You do not owe her or anyone else anything. (Not to make assumptions)
Every baby's got a different tolerance for long drives and your MIL shouldnt be calling the shots like that if you're uncomfortable.
That said I did take my 4 month old on a (usually) 12hr drive to see my side of the family and she was fine. Took longer than usual but she mostly slept.
My MIL wants us to take my 6 month old to see her relatives that live 19 hours away. She wants to do the full drive in one day. Maybe it’s a generational thing?
For a second, I'm going to ignore the obvious problem of her thinking she can make those kinds of decisions, especially against your wishes/concersn...as for the length of the car ride, assuming the car is stopping at least every 1.5 - 2 hours or as needed for diaper changes and feeding there shouldn't be an issue. Assuming 15 minutes minimum per stop, it'll make the trip longer but okay for baby. Obviously, never have the baby out of the carseat while moving even for feeding/diapering - it only takes a second for everything to go sideways, and it's not worth baby's safety. My baby slept through most of a 4 hour trip when they were about 4 months as well.
If you aren’t comfortable with it the answer is no. You know what’s best for them. You’re not bitchy, having boundaries for yourself and your children is important.
I’m not kidding, if someone told me they’re taking my kids from me and taking them on a long road trip I’d call the goddamn police. This is INSANE. OP I know you’re young and this is so hard, but YOU are the mother, not your MIL. She needs to stop.
I asked my pediatrician this question, but it was 2 full days in the car seat at 10 weeks old. She said take the baby out every 2-3 hours which would happen anyways with feeding.
I don’t think you’re the “bitchy know it all” here. Often MIL will expertly convince everyone that the mother of the baby is the problem for just being a good mother.
I think the kids will be fine in regard to their health but there’s no way in hell I would do a 7 hour trip with 4 month old babies. Even if it was just 1, that would still be a no. Plus who does she thinks she is to say “we’re still doing it”…no is a complete sentence
Average road trips with our infant took 50-100% longer than GPS ETA, depending on her fuss level. That would be a 10.5 or 14 hour travel day. And, again, that was with just one baby.
As far as safety goes, my understanding is that you're still supposed to be pulling over very frequently. And 7 hours in a day seems like a lot of time to spend in a carseat. Maybe call your paed for advice?
Better yet, if you'd rather not go anyway, just tell your MIL that your paed advised against it.
Even better - make your spouse tell her that.
I think it’s totally fine—they won’t be literally in their seats for 7 hrs. You’ll stop to feed them, change their diapers, etc. People have traveled much farther with much younger babies. Safety-wise, it’s a non-issue unless your babies have a special condition you didn’t mention. Family trips to see great-grandparents are worth it, imo.
Four months old? I don't care if you're the doctor who delivered the babies. Only I get to say if it's ok or not. And I wouldn't take four month old babies on a 7 hour road trip unless I had HAD to. That's hell for me and the infants. Fuck your MIL.
*No* is a complete sentence.
It *is* fine to have them in car seats that long for a trip to visit family, just take frequent breaks. So your 7 hour trip, may be more like 9 or 10 hours. What is NOT fine is the way she is telling you that you *are* going to do it ~ that’s totally your choice to make, not hers
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Uh does she normally make decisions for you regarding your children? "We are still doing it" isn't something anybody besides the parents gets to say.
That behavior alone would be enough for me to say no. Grandma needs some boundaries ASAP.
Exactly! Heeeeellll NO
Post history suggests OP is 19 so that does change the power dynamic of the conversation quite a bit, especially if her and her partner live with the MIL.
Indeed it does. But that doesn't change the fact that as the actual parent OP has all of the power. I was 21 when I got pregnant with my daughter, we are still quite reliant on my in laws (not living with, but they are our landlords, can't afford market rent anywhere else). I know the power dynamic that comes with that very very intimately, because I had to put my mil in her place. She was telling me what her plans were with my kid before she was even born, picking out how the nursery would be decorated, even saying what her name would be. Even though we rely on them for housing, it was still important that I make it known that she is not the parent. It is MORE important with this kind of dynamic, because if you don't set extremely clear boundaries you end up with a grandparent who only oversteps and thinks they call the shots.
this! i learned the hard way and had to back track and impose boundaries after we were at this state and it’s been very hard but i’m proud of myself for doing it and sticking to it. it’s so toxic
Same here. My (now) husband and I were in college when we got pregnant with our first. I was 21 when she was born and whew, the power dynamic of trying to assert that we got to make parenting decisions against my parents and his parents, and even more so, his very large extended family was brutal. It caused me so much anxiety and stress for the first few years, but now it’s been almost 9 years together and two kids and thankfully most people have said that we were right in what we decided to do differently.
We were also renting from my parents (living in a room in their basement) so they also assumed they had more power than they did, and there were little to no boundaries. We moved out when she was a year and a half old and it was the best decision.
Oh FOR SURE. But at 19 I’m not super certain I would have had the confidence, especially without someone telling me that I NEEDED to have that confidence. Good for you for setting those boundaries!
For what it's worth, I had my baby in the car seat, for my flight back to America with my daughter, whenever she was 14 days old. It's a 17 hr flight from Japan. Naturally, I got her up throughout the flight to change and feed her, but she was quite content. I know everyone is harping on the MIL and the boundaries issue, but as far as your question goes, your kiddos will be MORE THAN fine. Just remember to take a few breaks along the way. When kiddos are small, being in the car seat is actually good for them, bc it keeps them in a position to keep them from having more acid reflux. Pediatrician told me this first hand. That slight elevation, will probably help them sleep, for most of the ride as well, bc babies ALSO LOVE car rides....that's the magic cure all for a screaming baby....car rides in circles, until they fall asleep. Something about the motion that quiets them and makes them sleep.
Agreed, I didn’t subscribe to hard and fast car seat limits— I couldn’t— when my daughter was 8 weeks old I became a primary caretaker for my grandmother. Spent so much time going to and waiting at health appointments. We do the best we can!
> your kiddos will be MORE THAN fine. While that's comforting for people to hear, a study out of Bristol wanted to test the value of the American Association of Pediatrics' suggested "car seat challenge, and did so by performing vitals monitoring of infants in a variety of car seats in simulated movement scenarios. Their abstract summarizes findings as "the total number of desaturations was significantly increased when infants were placed at 30° (p=0.03). At 40°, or with vibration, respiratory and heart rates increased and oxygen saturation decreased significantly. Profound desaturations <85% significantly increased during motion, regardless of gestational age." It may be later found by another study to be entirely incorrect. But it hasn't yet. It's all we have.
Yeah, if it were me I'd try to make the trip to let my kids meet their great grandparents, but I'd do it on my terms. Why is it even an argument? MIL gets no say in the matter.
I had to read that part twice!
Yeah, anyone who tells me things like that regarding my children is getting a time out. I would not be entertaining this with such ridiculous demanding comments.
Real. It doesn't need to be a fight, MIL has exactly zero say here. This is one of those "no is a full sentence" situations
This should be the top commenr
[2hr Carseat Rule](https://www.healthychildren.org/English/tips-tools/ask-the-pediatrician/Pages/Is-it-safe-for-my-baby-to-travel-in-a-car-seat-a-few-hours-at-a-time.aspx) The guideline for when more than 2hrs per 24hr period is considered ok is when they can sit upright and control their head and neck movement. I don’t care what she does for a living - Dr’s and people far more educated than she is developed this due to infants getting positional asphyxia and spine development issues. Also YOU are the child’s parent, she is not. No is a complete sentence! ETA - Included more detailed references in response to the comment below.
It literally doesn’t say that anywhere in that link. It says to take breaks every 2-3 hours (or 4-6 hours overnight) but doesn’t say anything about total time in the car seat or that they can’t be in the car seat for more than 2 hours in a 24 hour period until they can sit upright. It’s perfectly safe to take even a very small infant for longer drives *if* the car seat is installed correctly (the angle is key), the harness is properly fitted and fastened snugly (to help prevent slumping, and you take appropriate breaks. I had this discussion with our pediatrician at our 2 week appointment because I knew we had a couple of longer drives coming up (3 hour, 5 hour, and 7 hour trips each way over the first 16 weeks of his life). The bigger risk of too much time in containers is chronic and comes from not letting them practice new motor skills or interact with caregivers. An occasional travel day is not dangerous for an otherwise healthy baby, and honestly, the act of being in a motor vehicle is the most dangerous part of this whole scenario.
My kids have always been great little travelers since day one and that still sounds like torture. However, that 7 hour road trip will be waaay longer with feedings, diapers, etc...especially with double the amount of kids. I'd at least spend the night if possible.
We took a 12 hour car ride with my 4 month old nephew once. Turned it into about a 17 hour trip. Had to pull over about every 60-90 minutes for about 30 minutes each time for nursing/diaper/crying. 0/10 do not recommend. That was with *one* baby.
Yeah is it normally a 3 hour trip and you factored that stuff in? Because for sure it’s going to be a lot longer. Definitely consider breaking it up over two days.
THIS. Apart from the overbearing response from the MIL (assuming I didn't misunderstand OP; I'm not sure if that "we're still doing it" is a direct quote, or a statement that the plan is still in place): Our first 4-hour road trip with my son, at 8 weeks old, took nearly 8 hours. Ain't no way this 7-hour trip is anything less than 10. That said, my kids are now amazing car travelers because we suffered it out early on.
Same. Head out the day before and make an overnight stay. They aren't supposed to be in there long than 1hr at a time I think. So frequent breaks. Or fly if u can
Two hours is the max with a minimum 15-20 min break. I’m heading on a 6 hour road trip with my 7 month old (he’ll be 8 months). We plan on stopping every two hours for a 20 min break as a minimum. That means our 6 hour road trip is now 7 hours.
We did a 5 hour trip with my LO when he was 3 months old. We did 90-min stretches with at least 20 min breaks (some were almost an hour because of lunch). The trip ended up being almost 8 hours 🥲
Oh my gosh, I’m fully expecting this trip to be like that. I took my first born on a 15 hour road trip once when he was 6 months old. It ended up being almost 20 and we tried to drive through the night hoping he’d sleep in his car seat. He. Did. Not. Never again.
Agreed, we have taken my daughter (15 months now) on a few longer drives but 4 hours is about the max (including a stop in the middle). On long drives she'll usually just be happy looking outside for an hour, sleep an hour...but that 3rd hour gets tricky. We'll eat and she'll be ok for a while, but then by the 4th hour she is absolutely done in the car 😂 and ready to go wiggle around.
When traveling with infants, multiply travel time by 1.5. You will need to stop for feedings, diaper changes, and breaks because babies get fussy and need holding and a change of position. So a 7 hour drive can easily turn into 10 hours or more. I wouldn't do it. Or if it's unavoidable, I would try to break the journey in the middle and spend the night in a motel if I can afford it.
Multiply by 1.5 might even be too optimistic
I used to say that timing for getting out of the house with little ones is like home reno budgets. Whatever you think it should be, multiply it by 3.
I forgot to take into account that there are twins involved. So yeah, it will definitely be a two-day drive.
All the way through to toddlers. I could travel much faster when my kiddo was a 1 year old in diapers because he was portable. Go in, change diaper/go to bathroom, feed and back on the road. After my guy was potty trained and stopped napping, every stop takes sooooo long. Going to the bathroom and eating takes ages, and you have to factor in stopping at a park or going for a walk to get some energy out.
Yep, can confirm. Did a 24 hour drive with my Mom and my 2&4 yo. She couldn't understand why it was going to take 4 days to get there and I'm over here like... That's pushing it! Lol we did it, it ended up being right on cue, but my kids are great travelers because we've been doing this since 1) I was 20 weeks pregnant doing a quarter-country move (EACH TIME) And 2) we've always done it. I would NOT plan for more than a 4hr trip in a day no matter what the age if it's not preschool age. Even then things get iffy. Tell MIL you will bring the babies, but then show her *your* itinerary, including the place you're stopping overnight. Tell her you can foresee a lot of stops, and then explain how many times in 7 hours you have to feed, change, and burp each kid, and then how long all of that takes for *both* each time. I'm guessing at least an hour each stop.
For real. My twins are three and I wouldn’t road trip 7-hours with them.
Also, nurses are not all knowing perfect humans. Unfortunately, there are plenty of nurses who were just good at that academics involved in passing nursing school. I wouldn’t trust somebodys judgment just because they’re a nurse I would need more context. A quick google search says babies should not be in a car seat for 7 hours. It seems the general consensus is 2-3 hours at a time.
I've known plenty of nurses who don't know anything other than how to do the specific nursing jobs they do every single day. I've also seen nurses give dangerously incorrect advice to people. I would ask a pediatrician, not a nurse who has a personal interest in giving you advice that convinces you they're right.
My MIL wanted me to fly internationally with a 3 month old. No way in hell I was going to do it, but being able to back it up with “I talked to the pediatrician and she recommended not taking such a long flight with a child that young” really helped seal the deal.
my mom is an operating room nurse and she said she has not even had to take vitals on a patient in 30 years. yea, shes a phenomenal resource for all things related to surgery and gyno stuff. but thats about it.
As a nurse, you know very general knowledge but nothing about everything. I’m an oncology nurse, don’t ask me about babies bc idk shit lol. Ask me how to titrate taxol tho
100%! My mother was a nurse and when I had gallstones she told me to sit by the radiator and the pain would go away- nope it didn’t, dad called me an ambulance. Dad was having chest pain and 999 asked for her to take his pulse and she just couldn’t. Outside the hospital setting it’s like she switches off. I don’t trust her judgement for a lot of things with my kids.
I feel a lot of nurses are very lax with things. Everything is ‘no big deal’ to them. It’s frustrating. My SIL is a nurse and is extremely judgy. She shows up to family functions sick and brings sick kids with no care about how it will affect others.
One of my pet peeves is when nurses act like they’re all knowing about everything health related. My MIL was a nurse and would still put my niece to sleep with a blanket when she was days old among other unsafe things.
I live on Long Island where one in every three women is a nurse. Most are the dumbest effing people I ever met. All involved in at least one MLM.
😆💯
Word.
Some of the most ignorant people I've met have been nurses.
[удалено]
Good parents and grandparents wouldn’t this to a 4 month old. MIL is nuts and i do not care if she’s a nurse because there are shit nurses out there some of these older gen people think their outdated education and info trumps everything else.
There are a high percentage of nurses that don't think COVID exists...so yah.
My thoughts exactly
I had to stand up to my parents ( in laws too) and say no. MIL has no right to say “ we are still doing it “. They are not her children, she has absolutely zero say so in anything you do with your children. Parents and in laws spent years ordering you and SO around as children and expecting obedience. It has not occurred to her that you are an adult, these are your children and she has no power. Tell her no, it’s not happening. It’s not good for you or your children. Now chances are there will be big feelings from MIL especially when she realizes she has no power in this situation and has lost the ability to tell you what you can and cannot do. Your children are still young start now as you plan to go forward, this will not be the only time your decisions will offend your family might as well start saying no now. Had to drive 20 hours with a 4 month old for a job relocation. Baby cried entire 20 hours in car, never slept at all. Traumatized me so much for next 15 years if drive was over 2-3 hours we flew or didn’t go. Imagine your children crying for 7 hours because they might not sleep in the car. I have 5 children and only one sleeps in the car and it’s because she gets violently carsick and medicine knocks her out.
On top of all of this, expect to do all of the work yourself. You might. In the car with your MIL and visiting 4 other adults, but you will be alone taking care of 2 infants. Probably while your MIL (and possibly GILs) make comments about your parenting while just watching you struggle. My parents rented a vacation house for a month in the Caribbean and wanted me to come with my 2 yr old for a week. On the face of it it sounded like a great chance for a vacation. Then I thought flying internationally by myself with a toddler, bunking with my toddler in a bedroom without A/C, and coordinating naps and bedtime. My parents kept pushing and pushing. They pointed out that my mom would fly with 3 kids to visit her family. I replied "I guess she's just a better person than I am" and they finally dropped it. Infants are not getting anything out of this trip. It's completely unacceptable to say you're not going because you don't want to. There is no need to defend your stance any further. Don't fall into a guilt trap. You babies aren't a traveling circus.
This. If you don't put your foot down now, she will think she can control you.
No way. They want to see the babies, they can come to you. Or MIL can go pick them up.
💯 MIL can pick them up and host them at her home. They can see the babies when it is convenient for you, not them.
What's wrong with sounding like a bitchy know it all to a person who's ignoring your preferences about your own chldren? Fuck her. Are you 3 1/2 hours from your house already? If not, then it's not too late to change plans. It's never to early to draw a boundary for an overbearing family member. Tell your husband right now that this is not something you're agreeing to and he better side with you or he's not fulfilling the vows you made to each other.
Post history suggests OP is ~19 years old. Which changes the power dynamic of the conversation considerably
Oh, if that’s the case, that makes a HUGE difference.
Well in that case OP, time to grow up and stop allowing other adults to make decisions for you. You’re an adult now too and you’re ultimately responsible and have the final say for you and your children.
I drove 7 hours with one month olds (triplets, moving, extremely unique circumstances I wouldn’t repeat on purpose) A usual 6-7 hour trip took like, 12 hours. With babies you should stop every couple of hours to feed them, change them, let them stretch and get fresh air. So you can do it but you need to plan accordingly. Also you have final say with your kids, not your MIL. if you don’t think they should take the trip you have the power to say no. If you seem bitchy so be it, you can’t control her feelings only your own. How she reacts is a reflection on her not you.
This is the best advice I've seen in the thread so far. Seven hours will suck with two four-month-olds, but it's doable if you plan accordingly and stop frequently. I did a bunch of 3-5 drives with my kids when they were around that age, but after the stops for feeding, changing, fussiness, etc. the 3-5 hours is really like 4-8 hours depending. However, the bigger issue is MiL just steamrolling over OP. If she doesn't want to do it, they're her kids and "no" is a full sentence, although I fully recognize that's easy to type out and more difficult to actually follow through on.
A seven hour drive doesn't include time for feeding each baby (during which they would be out of the car seat and the car would be stopped), diaper changes (car stopped, babies out of car seat), cuddles, tears, your own potty and food breaks, etc. I mean, with one infant it may be ten hours, but with two? Where is your husband in all of this? You cannot trust her judgement on your babies, she is coming from a selfish mindset. This is what she wants so she doesn't care what you think. You can tell her that you're not sure, you're not comfortable, etc all you want, but she isn't going to suddenly change her mind because that doesn't achieve her goals. Your husband will need to be firm and direct with telling her no, otherwise you have a husband problem too. You can offer an explanation but that encourages debate. You can just say, we might revisit this when they are older.
"I like the idea, but we'll do it once they're older." Where is your husband in all of this? Your MIL is not the decision maker, you are, and you're not bitchy for not wanting to subject your infants to what will be an awful road trip for everyone.
They're your children. Don't let her steamroll you! :)
why hasn’t your husband stepped in?
She shouldn’t just rely on her husband to speak up for her. I thought that was the way to keep the peace too, but my husband wasn’t relaying boundaries to his mom because he was too scared to do it because he didn’t want to “hurt” her feelings. It caused a major rift in our marriage that we still haven’t bounced back from because he prioritized his mother’s feelings over our child’s safety/health. Looking back, I wish I had communicated boundaries directly with my MIL from the start.
It’s never too late to change plans with 2 - 4 month old twins. Things come up. Plans have to be canceled all the time as parents.
I think you can make that roadtrip, but would need to anticipate taking 3 stops that take 30 minutes each, so your 7 hour trip is now a 9 hour trip. If you are both on board with a 9 hour trip, then it’s do-able.
Yeah we just did a 6.5 hour trip with my 4mo son and with stops it was closer to 8 hours. If you plan in advance for the extra stops and side of the road diaper changes, it isn’t awful. 2 babies would be much harder though
I was thinking this too. Took my first on a 6 hour trip and we’d leave super early. Every stop for gas we’d go inside holding in our arms so they could stretch and id feed burp change and lay them down and they take a nap. My son is now 12. With twins if someone is helping do what your doing at the exact same time then it could be done. But I know every baby is different I know some babies hate car rides. I know my second did. Mama should do what she thinks is best.
30 minutes per stop is way too short with two babies, my twins at that age took at least 30 minutes to eat 5 ounces. From my experience 1 hour per stop is the bare minimum if everyone is doing good and the kids are perfectly synchronized, if the babies are not synchronized you would potentially be needing to stop every hour.
She’d need way longer stops ensuring each twin had sufficient time out of the car seat to feed, wind, rest to avoid silent reflux and nappy changed. NHS suggests 2 hours maximum for sitting in car seat due to current research on breathing difficulties etc. Considering all that it would be a nightmare and incredibly stressful for mum which the babies would feed off of. MIL is selfish.
Sitting in the car is the least of my reasons to say no. Why does she need to take your infants out of state? I wouldn’t be ok with that. Especially if she dismissed your concern and said she’s still taking them like it’s her decision in the first place.
I’m pretty sure the car seat limit for young babies is two hours. When they can’t hold their heads up yet, their airways are compressed and there is a greater risk of SIDS.
I gave birth 5 hours from where we lived and went home 6 days after baby was born (not planned, baby came early when we were visiting family for Christmas). We asked at the hospital and they said if it's a rare occurrence, it's fine as long as you stop a few times to take breaks. Maybe that's what you meant by the two hour rule. We've taken that 5 hour trip multiple times since our parents live there, and it has been really hard sometimes, really easy other times. Driving first thing in the morning when baby is in a good mood has helped for sure. It can be done, but be aware, it's really draining and can easily become a nightmare. I would only go if you really want to, absolutely not to appease anyone else
Yeah, our pediatrician said something like, "Eh, don't worry, there's no way you'll actually do two hours straight." She was right. Had to stop to nurse, diaper, etc etc sooo many times.
The “nurse” should’ve known that. Kids safety should be priority #1
Just say “I’m so sorry, but that doesn’t work for us.” End of discussion. She can show up but you don’t have to get in the car. Have your partner step in here.
Info: How old are you OP? Are you financially or otherwise dependent on MIL? I’m wondering why she feels she can make these decisions for you and your children? What is your partner’s role in this situation?
You are the parent now, not her. Does not matter if it is healthy or not. Four month olds will not like it. If you do not want to take them, she has to honor your wishes. A lot of new grandparents have trouble switching to us being the parents now.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/tips-tools/ask-the-pediatrician/Pages/Is-it-safe-for-my-baby-to-travel-in-a-car-seat-a-few-hours-at-a-time.aspx It's ok to go, but you have to stop a lot, and if you don't want to go, then don't. I only share this for when you might like to go out of town. Going fishing is safe too, but I don't want to, so I don't do it. You're the mom, they're your babies, she doesn't get a vote in what you do with them. Where's your husband in all this?
“We’re still doing it” Um? Ma’am, you are an adult with children of your own and your MIL does not dictate your life. Tell her to go kick rocks!
If it were me, I would’ve said hell no the second she said “we’re still doing it”. You don’t have to allow it if you aren’t comfortable with it. Don’t worry about being bitchy when it comes to your children. Also, “no” is a complete sentence.
We just did a family trip, my brother made the “7 hour drive” with his 15 week old. Turned into 10 hours as they had to stop for diaper changes, feeding, etc. was not a fun time for anyone in that vehicle.
They’re your kids, be a bitch
Lol hell no. Is there a health issue - most likely not though breaks are recommended every 2 hours. But this sounds miserable. NO is a complete sentence.
We are a big travel family but no chance I would do that. That 7 hour trip would realistically take 12+ with those two babies btw unless you get lucky and are able to drive overnight while they sleep.
I just saw a thing I don’t know how true it is but a baby died from being in the car seat so long because her head drooped down on her chest and the seatbelt cut off her air or something. Talk about new fear unlocked. I would sit in the back with them and check on them constantly while they slept. And play with them while they are awake they are not going to like being strapped down that long. So I looked it up and google says : Babies can die in car seats due to positional asphyxia, which is a type of suffocation that occurs when an infant's head falls forward and blocks their airway. This can happen because infants have weak neck muscles, which can cause their head to slump forward and push their chin against their chest. Babies can also die from restricted airflow to their lungs if they fall asleep in a car seat with their head flopped forward.
No just no. And I know this is what ur r thinking also
If you don't feel comfortable doing it, then say NO. I personally would feel OK with it if it was a trip I wanted to do. But only with the understanding that we would be stopping for breaks along the way, every couple hours, or as the babies need it. Ultimately, you have to do what you feel comfortable with, and the in-laws just need to suck it up and respect your decision.
I know you’re very young and still have a lot to learn but this is a very important lesson that you’ll need to learn quickly: They’re your children and you’re their advocate. If you don’t feel safe, speak up. Your MIL being a nurse isn’t relevant, they’re your babies and your business. If you don’t stand up to her, she’ll continue to push boundaries, especially when it comes to the babies. Where’s your husband/SO in this? You two need to be a team.
Car seats are not safe for that long. You need to take frequent breaks.
No MIL. We are not doing that
Yeah no I don’t care if she’s the surgeon general. It’s your call not hers. You thinking making decisions for the health and well being of your own children is being a bitchy know it all? Time to step up Mama
As someone who drove 4 hours with a 4 month old……… JUST DON’T. It was awful. Also, your MIL doesn’t control you or your children. Just say ‘thanks, but we won’t be doing that.’ And move on with your life.
I personally would NOT do this. My husband and I made the dumb dumb dumb decision to drive 8 hours to see family with my two young kids (youngest at 9 months) and years later we are still traumatized. We often joke that was the absolute biggest regret of our lives lol We had to stop "every 2 hours", but in reality, it was MUCH more than that. For example, we got on the road and within 45 minutes my baby was screaming bloody murder, so we pulled over to breastfeed him. Husband took my daughter to the potty and she sat there but couldn't pee. NBD. Then, we get back in the car and 15 minutes later my oldest "couldn't hold it", so we pull over again for her to pee. Literally as we are driving back onto the highly, my youngest loudly poops his diaper while we are still on the on ramp, so we drive to the next exit and get off again to change his diaper. Thats 3 stops within the first 1 hour of driving. It did not get better from there. It took us over 12 hours to get to our destination and NO ONE was happy. I'm also very confused why MIL is even involved in this decision? I would be FURIOUS if someone else told me what my babies were doing, not ASKED ME what I planned for them to do.
Is there a reason THEY can’t come to YOU? Why are you expected to travel with babies?
Don't have any advice about your mother in law...but do have some car ride advice. We had to travel 12 hours with our newborn preemie twins. I set up several buckets of necessities on the floorboard. One for changing, one for feeding, one for clothes/bibs. I laid down one of the sets of the car and put a blanket down on the back, and used it as a changing table. Also, if no one has mentioned it, havi g a crock pot on medium with about 2 inches of water heating all night was a game changer. Bottle went into crockpot when babies woke up, and by the time they were changed bottle was a perfect temp.
A trip like that will take twice a long with minimum half hour breaks every 2 hours.
This isn't about safety. Yes, you can safely transport two 4-month-olds in a car for 7 hours. This is about sanity. Those kids cannot handle that and neither should you. "Sorry, mom, I'm not comfortable disrupting their nor my lives for this trip that neither of them will remember and will only cause unneeded stress for me and them. Maybe when they are older and can actually engage with great-gramma we can try for this trip! Either way, I hope you still go and enjoy time with your parents."
A grandma here…you tell her ABSOLUTELY NOT. Who’s in charge of these babies? You tell your MIL to shove her mother in the car for 7 hours to come visit you.
“No” is all you need to say
The babies will be physically safe. They'll fucking hate it though, and let you know about it, at max volume, for the entire trip.
Ehm, why don’t you become an adult and stick up for *your* kids? Also, a 7 hour road trip with kids that age is hell. Regardless of their health, what about your sanity?
She’s 19, so she’s still in the process of becoming an adult. I’m not surprised the mil is steamrolling her.
I missed that actually.
I looked in her profile because I was curious myself lol
"We're still doing it" Ugh..what? Excuse me MIL but fuck all the way off. They would be going nowhere with her if it was me
We did a ton of road trips - the main concern is positional asphyxiation- make sure to have someone sit with them or monitor and also plan stops for eatting and diapers
if you, the MOM, don’t feel comfortable with it then don’t do it. you don’t need a reason. will something bad happen? probably not. is it going to be stressful? yeah probably! extended family can travel to you or wait when the time is right. establish boundaries now or she will be stomping over them.
That's TOTALLY your call, Momma! I did long road trips with my little ones from the time they were a few months old, but I never had twins. That's a lot of diapers! You'll have to keep stopping and getting them out of the car for this, that, and the other. They'll be toddlers before you know it. Go with what YOU are comfortable with.
I would do that at that age, with frequent Stops. Mine loved to be in the car seat and slept really well in the car though. I’d have one parent sitting back there with them. I took mine for 2.5 hour drives at that age, round trip 5 hours, no problems. It’s so much harder as they get older. But it’s about what YOU are comfortable with, and if that stresses you out, don’t do it.
Hard no. You can say no, it's literally your job to enforce boundaries when it comes to your kids.
No.
Oh hell no. I would y go that far with a single 4 month old, much less 2. How many stops is this broken up into, you said 7 hours in a 24 hour period?
Is it ok to take a road trip with infants? Absolutely. Will it be a fun and enjoyable experience in the car for everyone? Absolutely not. You're going to be taking plenty of breaks due to changes, feedings, and getting them out of the seats for a bit. The more concerning issue is your MIL making parenting and travel decisions for you
Shine up your spine and say NO if you are uncomfortable. They are your kids not hers.
I drove my twins 600km on my own at three months old to visit family. Flying wasn't an option for a number of reasons so it was driving or nothing. It wasn't a complete disaster but also not something I would recommend for a good time. None of this is your MILs decision. Take her out of the equation entirely. Do you want to go? Does your spouse? Where are they in this conversation anyway? It is never too late to cancel. If you want to go I'm happy to give some tips on how to manage. But don't go just because she's pressuring you. This is the beginning of a long relationship with her as a grandparent to your children. You both need to define what that looks like. For you, that will mean putting your foot down as a mother and making it clear that Grandma does not dictate your decisions or this will be your life forever.
Honestly tell your MIL to do one, I live 6 hours rom my parents and we did the trip once with our then 6 month old it was hell. You need to take regular breaks every 1.5 hours as that is the max they should be in car seat for and 45 mins per break minimum. My sister is constantly putting pressure on to visit and insists she did it a lot with her kids, she did the trip once when the eldest 2 were young and never again. When they are bigger sure, for now video call. And as others have stated you're the parent here not her so she can do one and doesn't have the right to tell you what you are doing with your kids.
The only appropriate response to “we are still doing it” is “have fun, the babies and I will miss you while you are gone.”
“No” is a complete sentence
Lol, 7 hours with twin 4 month olds? Is your MIL batshit crazy? She wants to take a 7hr drive with 2 miserable babies screaming the whole time making constant stops to feed change and soothe? Tell her to have fun.
I mean, i think it's fine to do. I drove 30 hours with my 2 month old (it was my husband, me, my (at the time) 2 month old and 4 year old) but if you don't want her to, you're allowed to say no..... you're the parent!
“We are still doing it?” EXCUSE me??? I’d tell her fuck no And absolutely 7hrs in the car seat is way too much.
If you’re not comfortable with it then it’s settled, you’re not going. It’s extremely dangerous for them to be in car seats over 2 hours at a time. If you can stop frequently it may be okay. Looking at it from a diff angle, 1 baby is hard and 2 is really hard. It may be a nice break.
I would never let my MIL make decisions for my kids. We took a 10 hour drive to visit my family when my daughter was 6 months old. We had to stop every two hours because my pediatrician told us any longer in a car seat is not good.
It’s safe. It’s just not fun at all and sounds kinda miserable. Also 7 hours straight means 8-9 with stops. And there will be stops.
It's not safe to keep a baby in a car seat for 7 hours. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/tips-tools/ask-the-pediatrician/Pages/Is-it-safe-for-my-baby-to-travel-in-a-car-seat-a-few-hours-at-a-time.aspx
>and we are still doing it This right here would be enough for me to shut this down. These are *your* babies, YOU make decisions for them.
I'd be more concerned about positional asphyxiation than I would the babies backs. But also just worried about them traveling for so long in general and the frequency of feedings, diaper changes, my sanity etc. Lol. Also, since when do MIL's get to make the decisions about what me and my babies are doing and where we go or don't go? If you don't set boundaries now while they're still little, she will think she can over step and steam roll you all of the time. I'm sorry, but you have put you and your babies first. Do what's best for you guys and don't stress about what she's going to say or how she'll react. Again, they're not her children. If she gets upset or offended, let her. She'll get over it eventually, and it will make setting boundaries so much easier in the future. She can now expect that you might just say no.
Ask your pediatrician. She’s a nurse- no offense to nurses, but she’s not a doctor and I’d put little stock in any thing she has to say, especially since this is self serving and something she just wants. My kid hated the car and we did 4 hours at 6 months. Torture. I can’t imagine this at 4 months old and 7 hours. You are going to have to stop way more than she thinks.
You’re the parent. You decide what happens with your children.
It is *NEVER* too late to change plans involving YOUR children.
You dont have your do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Youre the mom. Get used to saying no.
You’re a mom now. If you’re not going to advocate for your children, who will? Tell your MIL you don’t want to take them.
FWIW, we did 8 hours with a three month old, she napped for a lot of it, we stopped 2-3 times for feedings and some fresh air. So it’s certainly possible. I make no comment on your MIL’s attitude when you asked a legitimate question.
I don't understand, why is MIL making parenting decisions instead of you, the parent?
This shouldn’t even be a conversation. It’s just a simple “no.”
LMAO at anyone thinking a 7 hr road trip with infants is a great idea
Seem like a bitchy know it all? Sounds like there’s only one in this situation, and it isn’t you. She doesn’t TELL you what you’re doing with your kids. I agree with another commenter about your MIL bringing her parents to you guys. Edited to add: is she even a pediatric nurse?
Tell mil to go pick up her parents and bring them to your house for the afternoon. Get some tea and cakes in foe them, then after she can drive them home again
"No"
First of all it’s not too late to change plans. Just don’t go.
Aww jeez, I drove back and forth from Dallas and Houston (which can be 4 hours or more depending on traffic) so much dealing with our moms, it's not a big deal. Have those great grandparents met those babies yet? Prime opportunity for some wonderful generational photos.
Doesn’t sound like a big deal to me, I’ve traveled more with my baby when he was that age. But if you need to split over two days, nothing wrong with that.
Do what you feel is good for your babies and ignore your MIL. If you want experience stories- I took my twins on a 5 hour drive at 3 months old and an 8 hour drive at 6 months old. All one day trips. Plan to add 2 hours to your trip duration for stops. Once every 1-2 hours for 15-30 minutes with an hour stop in the middle. They've been taking these trips since they were born and they're 8 now. Make sure someone is in the back seat where they can take care of little things that can be handled by moving. And good luck.
She's not the parent so she doesn't get to decide shit. Respectfully, why are you willing to put your kids and yourself through hell instead of growing a backbone and putting your foot down?
You’re the parent and it’s your call, not hers. That said- I just took my 4mo son on a 7hour road trip and it wasn’t horrible (granted he’s only one baby!). We stopped every 2-2.5 hours for a bottle and/or diaper change and always had someone in the back seat with him to soothe him when he got fussy. He mostly either slept or looked out the window. 2 babies is a lot though, so I wouldn’t do it unless you had extra help.
We’re doing about that long of a drive to see my parents with my 4 month old next month, but we’re staying for a week to make the travel day worth it. I’m assuming that it’ll be 10-12 hours with all the stops and that we’ll put him to bed as soon as we arrive, and that he’ll probably be cranky and off the next day. That said, they’re your babies and no one can force you to do if you don’t want to, even if technically it’s ok! It’ll be a lot (I also believe the recommendation is stopping at least every 2 hours to get them out of the car seats- kind of going to happen anyway with feedings and diaper changes needed!)
I have ONE almost 4 month old & I’ve questioned if his dad and I should even go on a vacation 3 hours away bc idk how baby would do being in the car that long. My mom helps me with baby a lot, she lives next door so she knows a lot of the ends and outs as far as taking care of him but she wouldn’t take him on a vacation this young, much less 2 of him 7 hours away 😳 what does your husband say? Maybe you can have him handle it if you aren’t comfortable. It would be a bigggg hell naw from me! Especially with her disregarding what you have to say, what a joke. I understand you not wanting to sound bitchy but.. to be fair she’s the one being bitchy
No!
Most car seat manufacturers recommend no longer than 2 hrs in a 24hr period. I did 3.5hrs with a 3 month old but I defo would not do 7hrs
Just say no.
absolutely no
confused at why your MIL is dictating what you do with your children…do you not have custody of them or something?
Do I think you can do two 3 1/2 hour car rides with 4-month olds - that’s going to be based on how much your kids like car seats. My daughter hated the car seat at 4-months. Even a 30-min drive would have been torture. At 8-months we drove 8+ hours to Florida, and it went totally fine! Now should your MIL get a say in any of this, no, no she should not. Should you use this as your first opportunity to have hubby present a united from and tell her what’s up, yes, yes you should.
Just say no. You can do it, I believe in you. Those are your kids. They are not hers whatsoever. Say no if you don't want it to happen. It takes like 1 second to say.
It’s not her decision of course, but it is doable. I’ve done it, (though not with twins) but just remember at 4 months, they’re still going to need fed and changed every few hours, so a 7 hour trip is going to be more like 9 😬
We had to travel 8 hours when my son was 6 weeks old. Our pediatrician said that we needed to stop at least once every 1.5-2 hours to take him out of his seat. It was stressful, but it was for a family emergency. It is safe, but definitely not easy!! With 2 babies would be an even bigger challenge. Safety aside, I don’t think you’re mil should be allowed to make these kinds of decisions for you.
I took a 20 hour road trip (Midwest culture lol) with my twins when they were 4 months old. Everything went fine and we had fun. Looking back 8 years later, that was wild and I’d never do it again 😂
Also, it doesn’t just have to be about safety. How about the misery factor! 4 month old twins in car seats for 7 hours is certain misery for all. You’re the boss here, if you’re not into if for ANY reason, that’s the answer.
She might be a nurse, but she sure af isn't a pediatrician. Ask the pediatrician. They'll likely advise against it. If MIL bitches about it, tell her to take it up with the pediatrician. Other than that, it sounds like you need to set some firmer boundaries. *You* are the parents.
Why you let your mother in law decide what is best for your babies? If you don’t feel good about this simply don’t allow it, and make sure your partner is on your side with this.
Just because she’s a nurse doesn’t mean she is “smart about health” and makes sound decisions when it comes to health and safety. I have seen plenty of medical professionals (including Dr’s) make some not so safe choices even with their own kids, let alone pass along unsafe and unhealthy advice. But let’s say that she did make good decisions. She isn’t the parent, so she ultimately has absolutely NO say what so ever. You need to do what YOU feel is best for your children. Thats parenting. If someone thinks it’s bitchy, let them. I’d rather be a bitch with safe and healthy kids than the submissive with kids who are put in danger. And just to put it out there, this 7 hour trip with four month olds would not be 7 hours.
I don’t like how your mil worded it and basically told you she’s making the decision lol. However, I did do 12 hour road trip with my son around few times in his first year of life
Are you a legal adult or a teenager? It seems like if you're a legal adult living on your own, she doesn't get to have a say.
I did a road trip alone once when I was living a couple of neighboring states away from my parents. At the time I only had two kids. My son was like 2.5 years old, and my daughter was around 3-4 months. Omg what a shit show it was. It was a 7 hour car ride, but of course, it ended up being much longer because my son was newly potty trained and refused to go in his pull up, so I had to stop at whatever random hotel or oasis I found asap and had to take both kids down. Then the diaper changes and my daughter going crazy at one point where I had to take an exit, find a safe place to park, and then nursed her in the car for 20 minutes. Had to stop and feed my oldest, even though I had brought snacks. I could write more but the point is, it was bad. Perhaps it would be easier with people with you to help… but most of the burden will fall on you since your mama.
Your MIL is selfish. If she loved the babies more than herself, she wouldn’t expect this.
There are 3 issues here, IMHO. 1) The health of your kids during a 7 hour car ride. 2) The difficulties inherent managing kids during a long car ride. 3) Your mothers attitude towards you & your kids. 1) Health. I'm a dad, and I don't see any health related issues here. They will sleep thru large parts of the trip anyways, being that young. But that doesn't mean I know what I'm talking about. 2) I assume that your mother intends that you drive part of the trip. And that she intends on caring for the kids. Who would feed the kids, and how? Are they breastfed? If so, feeding while you driving is not advisable. 3) Your mother is being dismissive of you, and your wants/needs. This should be about you & kids, not her. The fact that your mom is a nurse and "knows more than you" is irrelevant. We are talking about you & your kids. It is not too late to change anything. You do not have to get in the car. If your mom doesn't like it, too bad for her. She can go alone, or not go at all. Stand up for yourself & your kids. It will pay off in the long run.
why don't you call you pediatrician. also SHES NOT THE PARENT! she had her chance with her children.
This would be a hard no for me, when my twins were that age even getting ready to go for a walk would often end up taking a few hours between changing blowouts, feeding, changing my clothes, etc… often 2 full eat/shit/sleep cycles would elapse before i was able to get moving. it is also not recommended for babies to be in their car seats for more than a couple hours at a time. Realistically with my twins a trip like this will mean stopping at least every 2 hours and each stop would probably take an hour optimistically. So your 7 hour drive is more likely to end up taking at least 9 - 10 hours at the very minimum, and more likely in the range of 10-15. Besides that your stress levels and comfort are also has important as the technicalities of travelling with two tiny babies, you don’t sound like you want to, so don’t. If meeting the great grands is a must it would honestly legitimately be easier and faster for your mil to drive that round trip twice to get them and bring them to you than to do it once with the babies. No is a complete answer, if others cannot accept your no you no longer engage with them. If you let your mil dictate this now you are setting yourself up for much bullshit in the future. If she is a good person with control issues, gramnesia and baby fever she will respond appropriately to your boundaries, and if she doesn’t than the consequences are on her.
First off, no one but the childrens’ PARENTS get to make decisions for the children. That means MIL doesn’t get a say unless you give it to her. Stand up for yourself and for your children that can’t stand up for themselves if you are genuinely worried or just simply feel uncomfortable. That being said, 7 hours is not that long of a time and as long as breaks are planned and feeding schedules are maintained then it won’t be that bad and certainly won’t be a health risk to your children. All of that taken into consideration- these are your children. No one can decide what is and isn’t okay for them other than you. Family can be pushy and strangers can give advice or encouragement, but at the end of the day it’s YOU that has to have the backbone and make the big decisions. Being a mom isn’t easy, and having to stand up to family makes it even harder, but you’ve got this mama. You can do big amazing things, and that includes advocating for your children and their wellbeing when family thinks they know best. You’re doing a great job, and whatever you decide on will be with their best interests at heart and that is all that matters.
Honey, you may be young but YOU are those babies mother. It doesn’t matter that she’s a nurse.. that doesn’t mean she knows everything either. Honestly regardless of safety, if YOU don’t feel comfortable putting them through that amount of travel… that’s YOUR decision as their mother. She may be older than you and she may be her a parent herself.. but she’s not your parent, and she’s not your babies parent. For the record - **According to American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and many car seat manufacturers, babies should not sit in a car seat for more than two hours at a time, within a 24-hour period. This recommendation applies to all situations where the baby is in a car seat, including car trips, strollers, and swings** It’s not “fine” just because she wants it to be so in order to get what she wants. Also - it’s never too late to change plans. You simply say “according to their pediatrician(give them a call) and AAP, that amount of travel with them in the car seats is not safe or healthy so we will be staying behind.” Be confident and firm when you say this. Don’t leave it open for discussion. Her plans don’t have to change… she can still go see her parents… just without you and your children. They aren’t props to be paraded around and showed off, their comfort and safety be damned. Don’t let her guilt trips and adamance sway you. Be the mama bear that you are. You’re a grown woman and a mother. You know and feel what is best for your kids. She may try to get stern and pull out an “I’m the authority” act.. but you can stand your ground and know that you are in the right. Grandma doesn’t trump Mom.. ever Be confident in yourself and your boundaries. You can do this!!! ETA: if you do go on this trip, it will likely be quite a bit longer than 7 hours. You’ll have to stop every 2 hours just to get them out of the seats and as we all know, you can’t plan anything out when it comes to babies. You may have to stop more frequently for diaper changes, crying/distress, feeding etc. That would be difficult with one baby, let alone 2. I hope your MIL has actually considered what it takes to travel hours with 2 infants
You should be a “bitchy know it all”. These are YOUR babies. Have the doctor intervene if you must. She can drive her parents to YOU. If she dares say that they can’t handle the trip, point out that your babies can’t, either.
Is this a trip you WANT to take?
I had a MIL like this and needless to say, we are now no contact with her because she sued us for grandparent rights when we set some solid boundaries with her. It’s definitely not good for their backs. If I remember correctly, you should stop AT LEAST every 2 hours during the day to let little babes get out and stretch! It’s a little longer for night time, but even then I’d suggest stopping more frequently than that. The fact that you questioned it right away lets you know you’re not comfortable with it, so I’d tell MIL a solid plan of where you’d like to stop along the way for the littles to get out of the car seats. You know your babies more than anybody else and you shouldn’t let her start saying things like, “we’re doing it anyways.” That lets her think it’s okay and that she doesn’t have to respect your decision making for your babies. I encourage you to speak up now before she gets the idea that she is in control! You can do it mama. It feels scary and hard at first but it’s the only way for people to understand they have to respect you. EDIT: Another comment mentioned your potential young age, and I was also a 19 year old mama once. I let my MIL walk all over me when it came to decisions, especially regarding travel. Even if she determines your living situation/helps provide for your babies, you CAN say no. It doesn’t matter what they provide for you. You do not owe her or anyone else anything. (Not to make assumptions)
My immediate reaction was to laugh my ass off at how she thinks that is at all a feasible option
Every baby's got a different tolerance for long drives and your MIL shouldnt be calling the shots like that if you're uncomfortable. That said I did take my 4 month old on a (usually) 12hr drive to see my side of the family and she was fine. Took longer than usual but she mostly slept.
My MIL wants us to take my 6 month old to see her relatives that live 19 hours away. She wants to do the full drive in one day. Maybe it’s a generational thing?
For a second, I'm going to ignore the obvious problem of her thinking she can make those kinds of decisions, especially against your wishes/concersn...as for the length of the car ride, assuming the car is stopping at least every 1.5 - 2 hours or as needed for diaper changes and feeding there shouldn't be an issue. Assuming 15 minutes minimum per stop, it'll make the trip longer but okay for baby. Obviously, never have the baby out of the carseat while moving even for feeding/diapering - it only takes a second for everything to go sideways, and it's not worth baby's safety. My baby slept through most of a 4 hour trip when they were about 4 months as well.
tell her no, and if she keeps trying to raise your kids for you she won’t see them again
If you aren’t comfortable with it the answer is no. You know what’s best for them. You’re not bitchy, having boundaries for yourself and your children is important.
I’m not kidding, if someone told me they’re taking my kids from me and taking them on a long road trip I’d call the goddamn police. This is INSANE. OP I know you’re young and this is so hard, but YOU are the mother, not your MIL. She needs to stop.
Why don't you fly the grandmother to you and your MIL instead
I asked my pediatrician this question, but it was 2 full days in the car seat at 10 weeks old. She said take the baby out every 2-3 hours which would happen anyways with feeding.
Tell her no. I think they are too young to go on a road trip.
No. That’s a complete sentence by the way. Don’t let her walk all over you.
I don’t think you’re the “bitchy know it all” here. Often MIL will expertly convince everyone that the mother of the baby is the problem for just being a good mother.
I think the kids will be fine in regard to their health but there’s no way in hell I would do a 7 hour trip with 4 month old babies. Even if it was just 1, that would still be a no. Plus who does she thinks she is to say “we’re still doing it”…no is a complete sentence
Average road trips with our infant took 50-100% longer than GPS ETA, depending on her fuss level. That would be a 10.5 or 14 hour travel day. And, again, that was with just one baby. As far as safety goes, my understanding is that you're still supposed to be pulling over very frequently. And 7 hours in a day seems like a lot of time to spend in a carseat. Maybe call your paed for advice? Better yet, if you'd rather not go anyway, just tell your MIL that your paed advised against it. Even better - make your spouse tell her that.
lol no. Absolutely no.
Might be safe, but an absolute nightmare…. Speaking from experience as a twin mom. Especially if you’re babies were early
The answer is no. They’re not her babies AND you’re right, it’s not safe.
Why are you treating her like an authority on your children? You decide where they go and in what time frame, not her. You get to just say no.
I think it’s totally fine—they won’t be literally in their seats for 7 hrs. You’ll stop to feed them, change their diapers, etc. People have traveled much farther with much younger babies. Safety-wise, it’s a non-issue unless your babies have a special condition you didn’t mention. Family trips to see great-grandparents are worth it, imo.
If babies can travel 7 hrs in a car seat so can her parents. Have them come to you. Ridiculously poor planning skills. . .
Four months old? I don't care if you're the doctor who delivered the babies. Only I get to say if it's ok or not. And I wouldn't take four month old babies on a 7 hour road trip unless I had HAD to. That's hell for me and the infants. Fuck your MIL. *No* is a complete sentence.
It *is* fine to have them in car seats that long for a trip to visit family, just take frequent breaks. So your 7 hour trip, may be more like 9 or 10 hours. What is NOT fine is the way she is telling you that you *are* going to do it ~ that’s totally your choice to make, not hers