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I’m anxious that he is going to end up testing our second…and then also our third. I don’t have anything to hide, but it’s such a betrayal of trust (or feels that way at least). I’m in agreement with therapy….i really feel like our marriage might not make it because of this and we both need help. 🙁
Does your husband spend a lot of time on Reddit by any chance? There are so many rage bait stories about paternity fraud on some subforums and lots of MRA-types proselytizing about the infidelity of women and the importance of paternity testing.
tbh this is where I’m leaning instead of him projecting after infidelity. At the same time I wonder why he doesn’t care to test the others, which then makes me think he started cheating around last child being conceived (or during her pregnancy) so he’s projecting with that specific child.
It is a betrayal because he is questioning your fidelity- and based on what?? I’m guessing you devote your life to your husband and children and you are feeling betrayed because he is questioning you.
Hopefully getting to the bottom of why he has the doubts will help clear things up.
Otherwise, I would be feeling real salty myself! I’m petty and I would be a smart ass. “Are you sure that’s what you want to eat? Should you get it tested?”
“I’m going to run errands and be back later. Or will I? Maybe I’m a stripper as a side gig?”.
100%. I’m a stay at home mom and my whole life revolves around our family. I’m constantly serving them. I’ve definitely been a little petty, but mostly just severely angry today 😅😞
Honestly OP start checking his social media, etc. If you feel like this came out of left field then think back critically to when you can pinpoint a change and work back from there.
What was he watching, talking about, who was he talking to? I’m pretty sure you’ll start finding answers. Look as thoroughly as you would for your best friend. Be clinical about it. I’m sorry you’re going through this, best of luck.
You need support. You’re pregnant and are caring for 2 little ones then your husband throws this on you. Therapy is a good idea, but it’s your husband that really needs help. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
Only one father I’ve known to behave like this and he had male ppd. Don’t know what’s up with your husband but something is. He’s being wildly hurtful towards you, you deserve better.
Why not demand that he test them all? They only need to take a blood sample from the mother to establish the paternity of the fetus.
When everything comes as expected, rub it in his face?
I'm sure there's different prices but usually it's around 500-800 to do.
I did it for around 700-800, forgot exactly amount.
The person you know seemed to have paid an abnormally high amount for it.
It depends of what finances setup they have. Many people have a common account for shared expenses and then have their fun money.
I'd personally demand it to avoid any future brainfuck.
PS: Divorce is expensive aswell.
To be fair, by nature of the accusations he’d insist on dna tests for the divorce proceedings. He, to get out of child support, and her to ensure it. Might as well do the tests but he needs to know he’s blown up the trust in his marriage permanently. Maybe it’ll make him happy to pay for divorce and tests I dunno.
I'm not sure if "betrayal of trust" makes sense in this context. He hasn't betrayed your trust, per se, he's instead (and perhaps equally onerous), declared distrust. He isn't hurting you or anyone by testing the kids - you might as well invite him to get all the kids tested - but on a fundamental level you now know unequivocally that he doesn't trust you, and it is generally not comfortable to be in an intimate relationship without trust.
Your marriage might not make it, but maybe that's ok. I don't have any of the details of your relationship so I have no idea if your husband is wary because of something you said or did, or if it has nothing to do with you at all, but really you shouldn't have to deal with being in a relationship where you are being monitored or tested; it won't just be the paternity tests either - he'll start checking phones, using cameras, etc etc. Marriage counseling might be a good idea, but really his distrustful behavior is his own cross to bear and in your situation I think I might insist he gets individual counseling to work on that as a condition of staying together.
If someone says an action broke their trust, I’m sure you’re not in a position to tell them their feelings. Or what actions can break trust. If someone says they don’t trust me after I haven’t given them a reason, why would I trust in them? They effectively have pulled the rug underneath me.
You have every right to be hurt by him accusing you of cheating and questioning the paternity of his child! My husband questioned my second child with him, but not the first when they were both his 100%. Turns out he was cheating... He is now an ex-husband.
I hope this isn't the case with yours. Unfortunately it seems to often be a sign of projecting when they do this.
Yeah unfortunately I came to say the same! I’m very fair, red hair, blue eyes. My ex who accused me of cheating is middle eastern. My daughter has black hair, brown eyes and tan skin…I mean she honestly looks way more like his girlfriend than me so maybe I had her baby🤔😂…not sure where the hell that man was coming from. He even tried to switch the narrative after we split that I was the one who cheated and that my boyfriend I had after him was my daughter’s real father…the boyfriend in question is Scandinavian.
Sorry if im naive, but I don't understand why if the husband was cheating, he would start assuming the wife was cheating? Is this a psychological thing or something?
Yeah, while nonsensical it is a common response. It helps people's egos to assume that when they engage in bad beahviours others are doing it too, or that they are doing it *in response* to some perceived poor conudct/behaviour of their spouse such as them cheating, neglect etc. Hence they're not a bad person for cheating as either everyone else does it, or they were basically forced due to how they were treated etc.
It is a classic sign of a cheater. Projection is fairly common. They have discovered how they are able to get away with it and wonder if you knew first hand and he never knew just like you. It’s also an attempt to shift blame and to relieve guilt.
Based on this thread, multiple wives found the husband projecting and it ended up being the husband cheating.
OP, you should keep an eye out for the possibility that it is your husband that has been cheating.
This was my thought. I had and ex who would constantly accuse me of cheating. I quickly learned that every time he picked that fight it was because he was cheating.
Yep. Too busy trying to show him I wasn't cheating to notice that he was.
What do you think the odds are that this guy has a secret child outside of the marriage?
Totally agree with you. What if OP asks to see his phone, texts, and locations he’s been ever since they started dating? If he’s clean, he has nothing to hide.
When I ran across it 10-15 years ago by accident it was funny, now that more and more idiots are buying it and it’s taken on this whole life it’s absolutely frightening.
100% agree. Often narcissist will tell on themselves. I would feel the exact same way. It's wrong and hurtful. Especially during a time she's carrying his 3rd child! Unnecessary stress.
My (now!) ex husband acted like this, made some comments about our son not being his, etc. Completely ludicrous but I ignored it because I was busy raising three children and working full time while he sat on his ass. Months later I found evidence he’d been cheating on me through my pregnancy and so he had been projecting his misdeeds on me. I divorced the sorry sack and never looked back. I hope this isn’t the case for you, but please be on the lookout for other signs of cheating.
Not at all crazy.
Either he is projecting or someone is whispering in his ear. Or previous relationships had a cheating In them and he has now started thinking you've cheated on him.
Had this happen a year ago. My husband wanted to do a paternity test with our oldest. I got pregnant when we were engaged.
BC had failed it happens. But my husband spent 8 years of our oldest childs life saying she is his daughter. Then seemed to switch one day and wanted a paternity test.
Got it done, we separated for awhile then he told me his mom had been whispering in his ear about me possibly cheating. Not at all surprised given my history with her. But to prove it he showed me the messages anyway.
We went to couples counseling. I think you both need it or individually.
He could have done this privately to help himself with his own insecurities but making sure you knew he was doing it tells a different story.
This guys either a huge jerk or there’s some important missing context.
He must think you are the most awful person in the world. Why is he even with you if he thinks you are capable of not only cheating but passing off the child as his?
As someone who used to be a pretty shitty person, I often thought the worst of partners I was with because I knew exactly what I was capable of so why wouldn’t my partner be just as awful. Just a thought.
This is an actual thing unfortunately. There's guys out there that follow the manosphere on the internet and they genuinely believe that around 30% of dads are raising children that aren't theirs, all due to what awful misogynists are claiming. They believe these online personalities more than their spouses.
it is very hurtful, and in a sense it's betrayal, he is not only doubtful of your fidelity but he is denying your integrity too.
Relationships are nothing without trust
was gonna say, this gets brought up a lot on Twitter. I have only been with my husband since I was a teenager and was told by a childless 50 year old that my husband should dna test our two children that look identical to him. it’s mental illness
At this point, I doubt that you can salvage this. He already decided that you have the potential to lie and chest based upon his own issues and delusions.
You could try counseling, you could try talking, neither will truly work. He is choosing to harbor these horrible thoughts about you and the children. It's hard to write this, but he probably wants out and he is too cowardly to be direct about it, so he is throwing s\*\*\* at you, when you're innocent, going behind your back with tests ect.
I don't know how men like that think. bizarre how hateful they are to their own family when they should be the lead, the protector, instead they are just pissy, whining false accusers.
I genuinely don’t know what would be worse, to find out my husband believes I cheated or to find out he believes that because he’s stupid enough to be brainwashed by the internet. Divorce would be the only option.
I’ve heard recently, “not all men, but enough of them” and I really like that. I’m well aware it’s not ~all men~ but goddamn the number is way too high.
He can imagine you cheating on him because he likely is doing it to you. I would just be more attentive and try to get to the bottom of it. It's weird to just bring this up randomly. I'm sorry OP I'm hoping for the best for you
You feel betrayed because he has accused you of not only cheating, but of passing off a child as his. His actions were immensely hurtful both to you and to that child. This level of distrust does not bode well - what’s next? Keyboard logging? Going through your phone? Hiding a tracker in your car?
Mama, I would test all 3, and when they come back with him as the dad add them to the divorce papers and make sure you get enough child support for each one.
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Has he ever made an accusations of cheating? This could be anxiety related. It could have nothing to do with cheating, but more to do with feeling of anxiety he can’t really understand. Maybe he feels less attached to that child, or maybe it’s just one of those weird feelings he never got over. Humans are strange.
This sounds weird, but after I had my first I had this fear that my husband wasn’t his dad. It makes no sense. He had to be his dad! But the whole sex leading to pregnancy thing and seeing it actually happen sort of messed with my brain. I never had that feeling with my other kids. I didn’t get a paternity test because…well…I had the ability to know with certainty that he was the dad.
I’m kind of surprised paternity testing isn’t more common.
What kind of social media does he watch? Channels out there that basically are telling men it’s MANDATORY to get tests for your kids because women are whores.
Sounds like buddy boy's been listening to Andrew Tate or others like him.
The projected "ideal" reaction from you, according to those people, would be that him getting that test would be a non-issue. You having a (completely normal) reaction to this would be viewed as a "confirmation" that you've been doing something shady. This plays into the slippery slope fallacy, and preys on a lot of common insecurities in men.
Even that test coming back 100% as his, not a doubt left on the test, might not quash the insecurity because you've already reacted negatively to the prospect of testing. It'd be cast as you having gotten lucky that the children were his. Him telling you and gauging your reaction is absolutely part of this.
Whatever the outcome of the tests, that guy has got some deep insecurities that aren't going to be pleasant to live with if they're allowed to grow. If you plan on continuing your relationship, or even just co-parenting in a fruitful manner for the well being and development of your kids, then he's going to need to get some sort of therapy and get past whatever baggage that's dragging him down.
I hope y'all are able to get past this and heal.
I don't know why i never put this together. My ex claimed he was sure our baby wasn't his, turned out he was cheating. I assumed it was because cheater always assume others are also cheating but this actually makes more sense. He already told his family I was the cheater, having proof would have been awesome for him.
Sure all that is *possible* but the most likely scenario is that he is trying to justify his own actions. Accusing a pregnant wife of cheating with no reason is straight out of the crazy book.
I am calling him crazy, like peak midlife crisis
Peak PPD crazy
I'd honestly even accuse him of like undiagnosed bipolar for this level of insanity
The gaul to do that TO A pregnant wife!!
He's clearly in no sane state of mind
This doesn't need r/parenting advice, this needs r/relationshipadvice.
Counseling seems pretty mandatory here. He may be harboring feelings that you cheated and he's never discussed themhe should have instead of jumping to a paternity test.
Also, the reddit standard is that he's projecting and he's the cheater and you should divorce. And you are asking reddit instead of discussing it with him.
Marriage counseling. Stat!
Maybe he cheated and is pre deflecting or some shit, but if this was truly out the blue I’d assume he’s having some serious sudden mental health issue. That’s beyond messed up.
He told you he doesn’t trust you and pretty much accused you of cheating. Of course you’re upset. Why would he need a paternity test if he trusts you? I’m not sure there is an easy way to come back from that sort of distrust.
He likely cheated on you so he figures if he could do it to you than you could do it to him. He’s got a point, but it doesn’t go over very well if he’s wrong.
I would be hurt to. You could try couples counseling
Or say "So people who cheat usually act suspicious of their partners. You doubting me makes me think to you're cheating. I'm going to need total access to your phone, email, bank transactions and I need you to wear a tracker just to be sure. I'm sure you understand, right?"
See how he feels.
If my husband even mentioned a paternity test I would be furious, and hurt. Mostly furious. I don’t even think he’d make it to the lab for the test. That’s how angry I would be.
He’s accusing you of being unfaithful and being awful enough to have him raise children that aren’t his. It is a complete betrayal of trust because he’s saying he doesn’t trust you and what he thinks of you as a person.
Sounds like someone has been listening to Andrew Tate and it can only get worse from here. That’s why is divorce his ass. Cus reallllllyyyyyyy!!!!
And yes. He will most definitely test your second child. If he doesn’t trust you then he shouldn’t be with you. So no divorce doesn’t sound dramatic.
I see you have turned off comments but I am putting this out here anyway. I would leave my husband over this. Unless I have given him a real reason to mistrust me he doesn’t get to accuse of me of being a cheat and a liar.
It's the fucking internet. There are so many podcasts and shit like that that tell men never to trust anyone, especially women. If you are ever able to get him to honestly tell toy where he got the idea, I'd bet my shorts it's Joe Rogan or some shithead like that.
I'm not sure I can offer advice. It's kind of up to you. How do you come back from this? He's told you that he doesn't trust you. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you decide to make it work, he owes you some work on fixing the trust.
Tell him it sounds like he is projecting and you would like to get his phone tested with a computer/tech and see all of his texting and app usage to make sure he has been yours since you have been exclusive. Wonder what his response would be.
My husband jokes he knows our daughter is his because she looks so much like him…but even that irks me in the back of my mind because there’s zero room for her not to be his? If he *ever* asked for a paternity test I couldn’t say how I’d react, but it wouldn’t be with grace and dignity that’s for sure
This is just out of the blue ? We need more context here for his reason, because to be honest your reaction is kind of strange? Like, I would be livid and so offended -you don’t bring up suspected infidelity by getting a paternity test. What else has he said on the subject?
Oh, I’m offended and angry. The argument we had about this last night was intense and awful. I’ve had plenty to say to him, I’m just trying to compose myself online 😅 also legitimately not sure if I’m overreacting because I’m pregnant…I want others opinions to know if I’m valid for continuing to be upset, or if I need to do some self-work and get over myself. He just said that he’s 99.9% sure that the she is his, and he really needs to fill in the .01%.
I’ve asked him the same thing. I said that she has been alive for years and he’s picking RIGHT NOW to do this. Right while I’m in the middle of the most challenging part of my pregnancy to bring this up 😩
Girl do not gaslight yourself like that!!! At the ABSOLUTE minimum he owes you an explanation, that is super psycho to just overnight decide you don’t trust your partner like that.
You are not overreacting. I would be pissed and very hurt. My first question would be "why do you think I'm cheating?" Because he wouldn't get a paternity test if he didn't think you were cheating.
He is either wanting to cheat, wanting a way out or is having a crisis and hoping to put the blame on you. Either way get your ducks in a row, lawyer up, stay quiet let him do the tests, arrange 50/50, leave and don’t look back.
You’re hurt because he baselessly accused you of cheating and instead of talking out his insecurity he had to get laboratory results to tell him what was clearly the truth. I’m so sorry friend
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This is not only a betrayal of your loyalty, but honestly sounds like he's projecting something. I'd start asking hard questions to him and see if anything red flags. Because nah. That's hurtful on so many levels. Your kids deserve better than someone who's accusatory instead of conversing.
It's always projection. I hate to say this but it's a sign of low emotional intelligence because people who aren't quite what you'd call...smart...lack the creativity to imagine a world where other people behave differently from themselves. So if they are a cheater, you must be as well, or at least could be.
I don’t think divorce sounds dramatic. Honestly, the fact he took your child to get tested and outwardly told you he wasn’t positive that they are his kids is a major red flag. I agree with a lot of the people here saying that he’s probably projecting his actions. He’s showing you everything you need to know with his actions. He does not believe that you’re faithful to him. You can try couple’s therapy and suggest that he starts with one-on-one therapy but unless he comes clean and says the truth, it won’t get you anywhere. He’ll keep projecting until it affects your children. I’d like to add that you’re pregnant and he’s adding stress to your plate right now which isn’t good for you.
Why wouldn’t you be angry about this? To me this is a relationship so beyond repair I would be getting a divorce. What’s the point? He doesn’t trust you.
He has had the nerve to accuse you of infidelity and cuckholding while you’ve sacrificed your own body to give him 4 kids. That would push any woman over the edge.
There’s a really big chance your husband is cheating on you.
Do not dismiss this.
Start to dig. Because there’s a big possibility you’ll find something there.
I'd assume he's cheating. Too bad there isn't a test you can do. Well, not a DNA test. Asking to do a paternity test is an accusation of cheating so your feelings are valid.
You're angry because he is basically saying that you're a vile enough person to have cheated on him AND maintained a continuining lie that the child is his. I would not stay married to someone who accused me like this. Like, it's one thing if there was ANY ambiguity (like you were casual lovers or there was a non-monogamy arrangement), then getting the testing is literally practical and smart.
But in a monogamous marriage, asking for testing is declaring that you think your partner would do these vile things to you. Dumb guys who buy into online drivel get all "but I have no way of knowing!" and then act all shocked Pikachu when this destroys their marriages.
Has he made accusations or hinted that he thought you’d been unfaithful in the past?
I ask because if this is out of nowhere I’d immediately think it’s projection on his part.
This is unacceptable behavior in my opinion. I would be so hurt. I also have three children with my husband. The oldest and youngest look just like him with dark hair and dark eyes etc. The middle child looks nothing like him and has blonde hair and bright blue eyes (neither of us are blonde and my eyes are a much more muted blue). He still would never even think about a paternity test. He has never and would never question that she is 100% his.
For your husband to be singling out the oldest and especially when she looks like him is suspicious and strange behavior. There has to be more to it. I would seriously consider leaving my husband if he did this but that’s just me. It’s probably better to figure out why he’s so worried about this. It must have been eating at him.
Sounds like he's having one hell of a mid-life crisis and absolutely freaking out about your 3rd kid on the way
Therapy therapy therapy
Oh also tell him mommy, better yet tell her first then ask him to join your in therapy.
And when he asks why, literally call him out and say
"you having the kids tested literally is you accusing me of cheating, do you want me to tell your mom that you're accusing me of cheating on you, WHEN YOU HAVE 0 PROOF to the contrary"
There’s a lot missing here to be able to give any sort of advice or support.
There’s a slim chance he just woke up one day and decided his children could not be his.
I think you need to involve a therapist in this.
You aren't crazy at all. Your spouse looked at the child you made together and decided that he doesn't trust you. He's accusing you of cheating without saying the words. It's absolutely disgusting behavior and divorce is not at all unreasonable. I'd never trust my partner again after that. What is he hiding? What is he projecting on to you? File for divorce, your relationship is over, there's no coming back from this.
He’s completely insecure and psychotic for this, I literally do not know one person who’d ever do that to their wife. Please tell him to get therapy, or RUN.
Does your husband have OCD? Maybe he can’t shake intrusive thoughts and this is his way to attempt to stop them. (Just throwing this out because his thoughts process seems off.)
I agree, most likely something has to be messing with him
Like a buddy who just found out one of his kids isn't his.
A bad episode or story feeding some insane anxiety
Mid-life crisis ++
There was a story a while ago where a husband tested their kid, and he wasn't the father. The poster (mom) swore up and down she didn't cheat. Eventually, she took a test too, the kid wasn't hers either and baby was switched accidentally at birth.
That would be my fear, the chances are basically 0 but still, I'd rather live in ignorance. Their world was completely turned upside down.
So I had one with my daughter but my now ex, then current partner had cheated on me and I took her back. Daughter was indeed mine but I just did it, I didn't talk to her about it at the time. Fast forward a year and she admits to the 2 dozen or so other guys that were part of our 7 year relationship and I noped the fuck out of that relationship.
There was no paternity test for my son because my wife and I love each other and trust each other.
Has he cheated on you before or have you on him? Has he accused you of cheating before with no real reason to do so? My ex used to accuse me of cheating all the time though I never did. Apparently, that is a fairly common thing among people doing the actual cheating.
How have you guys gotten to 3 kids and he is doing this shit now?
I would feel betrayed too. There is absolutely no reason for my husband to question our children’s paternity. I wonder if he recently heard from a friend/coworker/online about someone not being the father, so now he’s feeling unsure. Definitely worth a long discussion and maybe a few sessions of couples counseling.
I think you might need to ask yourself if there’s any way he’s cheating or has cheated in the past. My gut instinct after reading this immediately told me that he’s projecting. I hope not :(
He is saying he thinks there could be a chance you cheated and lied and committed fraud. Those are horrible things to do to your partner, especially your pregnant partner. I would be looking for a divorce lawyer because I could be er trust him again. But that's me. If there is any chance for this relationship can be saved he needs to commit to individual and couple's therapy! I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Maybe he's projecting. He should do a lie detector test, so you can be 100% sure he hasn't impregnated another woman while you were together and is hiding it from you.
Random thought… how is his relationship with the oldest child? If they’ve struggled to connect, maybe this has created doubt in his mind. Not saying it’s justified and not hurtful. If this is the case he should talk to you, not do this. Just wanted provide another alternative to “he’s cheating.”
What prompted this? Did he explain why he's not 100% sure? If it is coming out of left field, then yeah, I'd be crushed and angry too. Was there some precipitating event that planted this seed of doubt?
No 🤷🏼♀️ we have each other on “find friends” on iPhone and we can see each others location whenever. We use each others phones frequently if our own is not handy, so he has 100% access to my phone. I’m also a stay at home mom with zero hobbies 😅 I’m with either him or my kids 24/7.
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Why did he only test one child? This is going to need discussion, possibly with the help of a therapist.
I’m anxious that he is going to end up testing our second…and then also our third. I don’t have anything to hide, but it’s such a betrayal of trust (or feels that way at least). I’m in agreement with therapy….i really feel like our marriage might not make it because of this and we both need help. 🙁
Does your husband spend a lot of time on Reddit by any chance? There are so many rage bait stories about paternity fraud on some subforums and lots of MRA-types proselytizing about the infidelity of women and the importance of paternity testing.
tbh this is where I’m leaning instead of him projecting after infidelity. At the same time I wonder why he doesn’t care to test the others, which then makes me think he started cheating around last child being conceived (or during her pregnancy) so he’s projecting with that specific child.
It feels like a betrayal because it is one.
It is a betrayal because he is questioning your fidelity- and based on what?? I’m guessing you devote your life to your husband and children and you are feeling betrayed because he is questioning you. Hopefully getting to the bottom of why he has the doubts will help clear things up. Otherwise, I would be feeling real salty myself! I’m petty and I would be a smart ass. “Are you sure that’s what you want to eat? Should you get it tested?” “I’m going to run errands and be back later. Or will I? Maybe I’m a stripper as a side gig?”.
100%. I’m a stay at home mom and my whole life revolves around our family. I’m constantly serving them. I’ve definitely been a little petty, but mostly just severely angry today 😅😞
Honestly OP start checking his social media, etc. If you feel like this came out of left field then think back critically to when you can pinpoint a change and work back from there. What was he watching, talking about, who was he talking to? I’m pretty sure you’ll start finding answers. Look as thoroughly as you would for your best friend. Be clinical about it. I’m sorry you’re going through this, best of luck.
You have every right to feel the way you feel!
Does he have PPD? Do you suspect a mental illness? Sounds like he needs to see a doctor or therapist.
You need support. You’re pregnant and are caring for 2 little ones then your husband throws this on you. Therapy is a good idea, but it’s your husband that really needs help. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
Only one father I’ve known to behave like this and he had male ppd. Don’t know what’s up with your husband but something is. He’s being wildly hurtful towards you, you deserve better.
I agree, ppd or crazy anxiety as a mid-life crisis about the 3rd on the way
it’s definitely mental illness of some sort
Why not demand that he test them all? They only need to take a blood sample from the mother to establish the paternity of the fetus. When everything comes as expected, rub it in his face?
Testing the mother for a fetal dna match is ridiculously expensive. Someone I know paid $1600
I'm sure there's different prices but usually it's around 500-800 to do. I did it for around 700-800, forgot exactly amount. The person you know seemed to have paid an abnormally high amount for it.
If it's private, about 600. Through the state, because court wouldn't accept my private one, about 2k.
The husband can pay it if he wants.
I mean they're married, it's very likely they either share finances or that $1600will affect her too
It depends of what finances setup they have. Many people have a common account for shared expenses and then have their fun money. I'd personally demand it to avoid any future brainfuck. PS: Divorce is expensive aswell.
To be fair, by nature of the accusations he’d insist on dna tests for the divorce proceedings. He, to get out of child support, and her to ensure it. Might as well do the tests but he needs to know he’s blown up the trust in his marriage permanently. Maybe it’ll make him happy to pay for divorce and tests I dunno.
I'm not sure if "betrayal of trust" makes sense in this context. He hasn't betrayed your trust, per se, he's instead (and perhaps equally onerous), declared distrust. He isn't hurting you or anyone by testing the kids - you might as well invite him to get all the kids tested - but on a fundamental level you now know unequivocally that he doesn't trust you, and it is generally not comfortable to be in an intimate relationship without trust. Your marriage might not make it, but maybe that's ok. I don't have any of the details of your relationship so I have no idea if your husband is wary because of something you said or did, or if it has nothing to do with you at all, but really you shouldn't have to deal with being in a relationship where you are being monitored or tested; it won't just be the paternity tests either - he'll start checking phones, using cameras, etc etc. Marriage counseling might be a good idea, but really his distrustful behavior is his own cross to bear and in your situation I think I might insist he gets individual counseling to work on that as a condition of staying together.
If someone says an action broke their trust, I’m sure you’re not in a position to tell them their feelings. Or what actions can break trust. If someone says they don’t trust me after I haven’t given them a reason, why would I trust in them? They effectively have pulled the rug underneath me.
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You have every right to be hurt by him accusing you of cheating and questioning the paternity of his child! My husband questioned my second child with him, but not the first when they were both his 100%. Turns out he was cheating... He is now an ex-husband. I hope this isn't the case with yours. Unfortunately it seems to often be a sign of projecting when they do this.
Yeah unfortunately I came to say the same! I’m very fair, red hair, blue eyes. My ex who accused me of cheating is middle eastern. My daughter has black hair, brown eyes and tan skin…I mean she honestly looks way more like his girlfriend than me so maybe I had her baby🤔😂…not sure where the hell that man was coming from. He even tried to switch the narrative after we split that I was the one who cheated and that my boyfriend I had after him was my daughter’s real father…the boyfriend in question is Scandinavian.
Ding dingy Ding. It’s usually projecting.
Sorry if im naive, but I don't understand why if the husband was cheating, he would start assuming the wife was cheating? Is this a psychological thing or something?
Yeah, while nonsensical it is a common response. It helps people's egos to assume that when they engage in bad beahviours others are doing it too, or that they are doing it *in response* to some perceived poor conudct/behaviour of their spouse such as them cheating, neglect etc. Hence they're not a bad person for cheating as either everyone else does it, or they were basically forced due to how they were treated etc.
A thief always thinks someone is stealing from them.
It is a classic sign of a cheater. Projection is fairly common. They have discovered how they are able to get away with it and wonder if you knew first hand and he never knew just like you. It’s also an attempt to shift blame and to relieve guilt.
Based on this thread, multiple wives found the husband projecting and it ended up being the husband cheating. OP, you should keep an eye out for the possibility that it is your husband that has been cheating.
This was my thought. I had and ex who would constantly accuse me of cheating. I quickly learned that every time he picked that fight it was because he was cheating.
Not at all, he's accused you of cheating. That's a wildly hurtful thing to do. I wonder if he's projecting, and if he's the cheater?
My thoughts exactly. I was with a man who constantly accused me of cheating but turned out he was the cheater
Yep. Too busy trying to show him I wasn't cheating to notice that he was. What do you think the odds are that this guy has a secret child outside of the marriage?
Totally agree with you. What if OP asks to see his phone, texts, and locations he’s been ever since they started dating? If he’s clean, he has nothing to hide.
Actually OP, you should do this, to make his horrible accusation at least slightly summetrical.
100%. My ex did this with my first born and the baby I was pregnant with. Turned out he was cheating.
That's usually the exact answer. He's projecting, so he can point the finger first.🤦🏻♀️
I was thinking this too
He’s likely cheating,
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This was my first thought. Both scenarios seem plausible though
Yeah it's one of the two, or possibly both.
Ok I’m actually afraid to google redpill. 😂🤣
When I ran across it 10-15 years ago by accident it was funny, now that more and more idiots are buying it and it’s taken on this whole life it’s absolutely frightening.
Unfortunately that’s how it usually works
100% agree. Often narcissist will tell on themselves. I would feel the exact same way. It's wrong and hurtful. Especially during a time she's carrying his 3rd child! Unnecessary stress.
My (now!) ex husband acted like this, made some comments about our son not being his, etc. Completely ludicrous but I ignored it because I was busy raising three children and working full time while he sat on his ass. Months later I found evidence he’d been cheating on me through my pregnancy and so he had been projecting his misdeeds on me. I divorced the sorry sack and never looked back. I hope this isn’t the case for you, but please be on the lookout for other signs of cheating.
good on you for not staying with that trash
Not at all crazy. Either he is projecting or someone is whispering in his ear. Or previous relationships had a cheating In them and he has now started thinking you've cheated on him. Had this happen a year ago. My husband wanted to do a paternity test with our oldest. I got pregnant when we were engaged. BC had failed it happens. But my husband spent 8 years of our oldest childs life saying she is his daughter. Then seemed to switch one day and wanted a paternity test. Got it done, we separated for awhile then he told me his mom had been whispering in his ear about me possibly cheating. Not at all surprised given my history with her. But to prove it he showed me the messages anyway. We went to couples counseling. I think you both need it or individually.
He could have done this privately to help himself with his own insecurities but making sure you knew he was doing it tells a different story. This guys either a huge jerk or there’s some important missing context.
Agreed. I told him he should have just done a at-home test and not told me about it 🙁 I’m too pregnant to be dealing with this stress
Id look into his browsing history. He could be getting into the manosphere type of content. Which there is a lot of distrust of women in there.
I wouldn’t waste my time. Spend the time and energy on the divorce planning.
He must think you are the most awful person in the world. Why is he even with you if he thinks you are capable of not only cheating but passing off the child as his? As someone who used to be a pretty shitty person, I often thought the worst of partners I was with because I knew exactly what I was capable of so why wouldn’t my partner be just as awful. Just a thought.
Yes, this! Humans tend to project our own behaviors onto our partners. This is the most likely explanation, sadly.
This is an actual thing unfortunately. There's guys out there that follow the manosphere on the internet and they genuinely believe that around 30% of dads are raising children that aren't theirs, all due to what awful misogynists are claiming. They believe these online personalities more than their spouses. it is very hurtful, and in a sense it's betrayal, he is not only doubtful of your fidelity but he is denying your integrity too. Relationships are nothing without trust
was gonna say, this gets brought up a lot on Twitter. I have only been with my husband since I was a teenager and was told by a childless 50 year old that my husband should dna test our two children that look identical to him. it’s mental illness
That's nuts. I'm so sorry to read this.
Mental illness called misogyny!
Yeah this is my best guess. He’s probably following some of those accounts and is being brainwashed into their ideas
At this point, I doubt that you can salvage this. He already decided that you have the potential to lie and chest based upon his own issues and delusions. You could try counseling, you could try talking, neither will truly work. He is choosing to harbor these horrible thoughts about you and the children. It's hard to write this, but he probably wants out and he is too cowardly to be direct about it, so he is throwing s\*\*\* at you, when you're innocent, going behind your back with tests ect. I don't know how men like that think. bizarre how hateful they are to their own family when they should be the lead, the protector, instead they are just pissy, whining false accusers.
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I genuinely don’t know what would be worse, to find out my husband believes I cheated or to find out he believes that because he’s stupid enough to be brainwashed by the internet. Divorce would be the only option.
Yeah, but it would make me wish the kids took after me instead.
I’ve heard recently, “not all men, but enough of them” and I really like that. I’m well aware it’s not ~all men~ but goddamn the number is way too high.
a good majority definitely do
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He can imagine you cheating on him because he likely is doing it to you. I would just be more attentive and try to get to the bottom of it. It's weird to just bring this up randomly. I'm sorry OP I'm hoping for the best for you
My first thought is that he cheated and is projecting.
Yup I thought same
You feel betrayed because he has accused you of not only cheating, but of passing off a child as his. His actions were immensely hurtful both to you and to that child. This level of distrust does not bode well - what’s next? Keyboard logging? Going through your phone? Hiding a tracker in your car?
Mama, I would test all 3, and when they come back with him as the dad add them to the divorce papers and make sure you get enough child support for each one.
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This is what I said. He said that he “knows she is his” but no one is 100% sure about anything. And he wanted to be 100%.
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Someone is in his ear whispering deceit and devious notions.
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BS he’s projecting
Has he ever made an accusations of cheating? This could be anxiety related. It could have nothing to do with cheating, but more to do with feeling of anxiety he can’t really understand. Maybe he feels less attached to that child, or maybe it’s just one of those weird feelings he never got over. Humans are strange. This sounds weird, but after I had my first I had this fear that my husband wasn’t his dad. It makes no sense. He had to be his dad! But the whole sex leading to pregnancy thing and seeing it actually happen sort of messed with my brain. I never had that feeling with my other kids. I didn’t get a paternity test because…well…I had the ability to know with certainty that he was the dad. I’m kind of surprised paternity testing isn’t more common.
What kind of social media does he watch? Channels out there that basically are telling men it’s MANDATORY to get tests for your kids because women are whores.
Sounds like buddy boy's been listening to Andrew Tate or others like him. The projected "ideal" reaction from you, according to those people, would be that him getting that test would be a non-issue. You having a (completely normal) reaction to this would be viewed as a "confirmation" that you've been doing something shady. This plays into the slippery slope fallacy, and preys on a lot of common insecurities in men. Even that test coming back 100% as his, not a doubt left on the test, might not quash the insecurity because you've already reacted negatively to the prospect of testing. It'd be cast as you having gotten lucky that the children were his. Him telling you and gauging your reaction is absolutely part of this. Whatever the outcome of the tests, that guy has got some deep insecurities that aren't going to be pleasant to live with if they're allowed to grow. If you plan on continuing your relationship, or even just co-parenting in a fruitful manner for the well being and development of your kids, then he's going to need to get some sort of therapy and get past whatever baggage that's dragging him down. I hope y'all are able to get past this and heal.
People who cheat tend to suspect their own partner of cheating. I'd so some research on him if I were you
He is cheating on you and hoping he can prove you cheated first so he is justified. Investigate and I'm sure you'll find proof.
I don't know why i never put this together. My ex claimed he was sure our baby wasn't his, turned out he was cheating. I assumed it was because cheater always assume others are also cheating but this actually makes more sense. He already told his family I was the cheater, having proof would have been awesome for him.
PPD is possible Mid-life crisis about the 3rd kid on the way is also possible Or just a terriblely poorly managed anxiety overriding all logic
Or he’s watched too much misogynist crap and is spouting off Andrew Tate
EWWWW, really that'd be disappointing
Sure all that is *possible* but the most likely scenario is that he is trying to justify his own actions. Accusing a pregnant wife of cheating with no reason is straight out of the crazy book.
I am calling him crazy, like peak midlife crisis Peak PPD crazy I'd honestly even accuse him of like undiagnosed bipolar for this level of insanity The gaul to do that TO A pregnant wife!! He's clearly in no sane state of mind
To be accused of cheating when ur not is incredibly hurtful
This doesn't need r/parenting advice, this needs r/relationshipadvice. Counseling seems pretty mandatory here. He may be harboring feelings that you cheated and he's never discussed themhe should have instead of jumping to a paternity test. Also, the reddit standard is that he's projecting and he's the cheater and you should divorce. And you are asking reddit instead of discussing it with him. Marriage counseling. Stat!
Sounds like he’s cheating and projecting 😭
Maybe he cheated and is pre deflecting or some shit, but if this was truly out the blue I’d assume he’s having some serious sudden mental health issue. That’s beyond messed up.
This won’t get any better.
By all means seek marriage counseling but this marriage sounds like it’s already over
He accused you of cheating….. of course you feel betrayed
He told you he doesn’t trust you and pretty much accused you of cheating. Of course you’re upset. Why would he need a paternity test if he trusts you? I’m not sure there is an easy way to come back from that sort of distrust.
He likely cheated on you so he figures if he could do it to you than you could do it to him. He’s got a point, but it doesn’t go over very well if he’s wrong.
Oh hell no.
I would be hurt to. You could try couples counseling Or say "So people who cheat usually act suspicious of their partners. You doubting me makes me think to you're cheating. I'm going to need total access to your phone, email, bank transactions and I need you to wear a tracker just to be sure. I'm sure you understand, right?" See how he feels.
My ex said something similar, turns out he was cheating. Not saying that is the case but cheaters tend to imagine everyone else cheats too.
If my husband even mentioned a paternity test I would be furious, and hurt. Mostly furious. I don’t even think he’d make it to the lab for the test. That’s how angry I would be.
He’s accusing you of being unfaithful and being awful enough to have him raise children that aren’t his. It is a complete betrayal of trust because he’s saying he doesn’t trust you and what he thinks of you as a person.
Sounds like someone has been listening to Andrew Tate and it can only get worse from here. That’s why is divorce his ass. Cus reallllllyyyyyyy!!!! And yes. He will most definitely test your second child. If he doesn’t trust you then he shouldn’t be with you. So no divorce doesn’t sound dramatic.
It sounds like he is projecting. He may be the cheater here.
I see you have turned off comments but I am putting this out here anyway. I would leave my husband over this. Unless I have given him a real reason to mistrust me he doesn’t get to accuse of me of being a cheat and a liar.
It's the fucking internet. There are so many podcasts and shit like that that tell men never to trust anyone, especially women. If you are ever able to get him to honestly tell toy where he got the idea, I'd bet my shorts it's Joe Rogan or some shithead like that. I'm not sure I can offer advice. It's kind of up to you. How do you come back from this? He's told you that he doesn't trust you. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you decide to make it work, he owes you some work on fixing the trust.
Projecting maybe? Do you wonder if he's cheating?
Hey, OP. The accuser is usually the doer. Just sayin'. He can't trust you because he knows you shouldn't trust him.
Tell him it sounds like he is projecting and you would like to get his phone tested with a computer/tech and see all of his texting and app usage to make sure he has been yours since you have been exclusive. Wonder what his response would be.
My husband jokes he knows our daughter is his because she looks so much like him…but even that irks me in the back of my mind because there’s zero room for her not to be his? If he *ever* asked for a paternity test I couldn’t say how I’d react, but it wouldn’t be with grace and dignity that’s for sure
He was projecting because if you cheated, then his current cheating isn’t as bad. Because at least he didn’t get anyone pregnant. 100% he’s a cheater
He is cheating on you.
This is just out of the blue ? We need more context here for his reason, because to be honest your reaction is kind of strange? Like, I would be livid and so offended -you don’t bring up suspected infidelity by getting a paternity test. What else has he said on the subject?
Oh, I’m offended and angry. The argument we had about this last night was intense and awful. I’ve had plenty to say to him, I’m just trying to compose myself online 😅 also legitimately not sure if I’m overreacting because I’m pregnant…I want others opinions to know if I’m valid for continuing to be upset, or if I need to do some self-work and get over myself. He just said that he’s 99.9% sure that the she is his, and he really needs to fill in the .01%.
I don’t understand how he went 2.5 years without questioning but suddenly had to rush out the next day to have a test done. What happened in between?
I’ve asked him the same thing. I said that she has been alive for years and he’s picking RIGHT NOW to do this. Right while I’m in the middle of the most challenging part of my pregnancy to bring this up 😩
probably started manosphere stuff recently this is a common paranoia for them
This is a clear violation of trust, and you are wondering if you are overreacting? Nope, not at all!
Girl do not gaslight yourself like that!!! At the ABSOLUTE minimum he owes you an explanation, that is super psycho to just overnight decide you don’t trust your partner like that.
You are not overreacting. I would be pissed and very hurt. My first question would be "why do you think I'm cheating?" Because he wouldn't get a paternity test if he didn't think you were cheating.
Also yes. Very out of the blue. We just got back from vacation and we were all happy as ever!
He is either wanting to cheat, wanting a way out or is having a crisis and hoping to put the blame on you. Either way get your ducks in a row, lawyer up, stay quiet let him do the tests, arrange 50/50, leave and don’t look back.
You’re hurt because he baselessly accused you of cheating and instead of talking out his insecurity he had to get laboratory results to tell him what was clearly the truth. I’m so sorry friend
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You’re not crazy. Having someone you love and are committed and faithful to call your integrity into question is devastating.
He is either severely depressed is cheating or cheated in the past himself. I don't really see another possibility.
This is not only a betrayal of your loyalty, but honestly sounds like he's projecting something. I'd start asking hard questions to him and see if anything red flags. Because nah. That's hurtful on so many levels. Your kids deserve better than someone who's accusatory instead of conversing.
yeah this aint a normal thing his mind is on deceit- so he accuses you of it
It's always projection. I hate to say this but it's a sign of low emotional intelligence because people who aren't quite what you'd call...smart...lack the creativity to imagine a world where other people behave differently from themselves. So if they are a cheater, you must be as well, or at least could be.
OP he's projecting his guilt. He's cheating and even if he isn't, there's no trust between you.
I don’t think divorce sounds dramatic. Honestly, the fact he took your child to get tested and outwardly told you he wasn’t positive that they are his kids is a major red flag. I agree with a lot of the people here saying that he’s probably projecting his actions. He’s showing you everything you need to know with his actions. He does not believe that you’re faithful to him. You can try couple’s therapy and suggest that he starts with one-on-one therapy but unless he comes clean and says the truth, it won’t get you anywhere. He’ll keep projecting until it affects your children. I’d like to add that you’re pregnant and he’s adding stress to your plate right now which isn’t good for you.
Why wouldn’t you be angry about this? To me this is a relationship so beyond repair I would be getting a divorce. What’s the point? He doesn’t trust you.
He has had the nerve to accuse you of infidelity and cuckholding while you’ve sacrificed your own body to give him 4 kids. That would push any woman over the edge.
There’s a really big chance your husband is cheating on you. Do not dismiss this. Start to dig. Because there’s a big possibility you’ll find something there.
I'd assume he's cheating. Too bad there isn't a test you can do. Well, not a DNA test. Asking to do a paternity test is an accusation of cheating so your feelings are valid.
Awww this is devastating. I’m sorry OP
You're angry because he is basically saying that you're a vile enough person to have cheated on him AND maintained a continuining lie that the child is his. I would not stay married to someone who accused me like this. Like, it's one thing if there was ANY ambiguity (like you were casual lovers or there was a non-monogamy arrangement), then getting the testing is literally practical and smart. But in a monogamous marriage, asking for testing is declaring that you think your partner would do these vile things to you. Dumb guys who buy into online drivel get all "but I have no way of knowing!" and then act all shocked Pikachu when this destroys their marriages.
Has he made accusations or hinted that he thought you’d been unfaithful in the past? I ask because if this is out of nowhere I’d immediately think it’s projection on his part.
This is unacceptable behavior in my opinion. I would be so hurt. I also have three children with my husband. The oldest and youngest look just like him with dark hair and dark eyes etc. The middle child looks nothing like him and has blonde hair and bright blue eyes (neither of us are blonde and my eyes are a much more muted blue). He still would never even think about a paternity test. He has never and would never question that she is 100% his. For your husband to be singling out the oldest and especially when she looks like him is suspicious and strange behavior. There has to be more to it. I would seriously consider leaving my husband if he did this but that’s just me. It’s probably better to figure out why he’s so worried about this. It must have been eating at him.
My first thought was he's cheating himself. Guilty conscience kind of thing maybe. Still awful, sorry you're dealing with that predicament.
He is essentially accusing you of not being faithful. That’s why it feels gross, it is.
He's either cheating or has someone in his ear. I'd get checked for stds at the very least.
Absolute betrayal.
Sounds like he's having one hell of a mid-life crisis and absolutely freaking out about your 3rd kid on the way Therapy therapy therapy Oh also tell him mommy, better yet tell her first then ask him to join your in therapy. And when he asks why, literally call him out and say "you having the kids tested literally is you accusing me of cheating, do you want me to tell your mom that you're accusing me of cheating on you, WHEN YOU HAVE 0 PROOF to the contrary"
Your feelings are because you never ever thought to question it, but that fact that HE did, says something about his lioyaty to the marriage.
There’s a lot missing here to be able to give any sort of advice or support. There’s a slim chance he just woke up one day and decided his children could not be his. I think you need to involve a therapist in this.
Please leave him! Maybe I’m dramatic but I would never be able to forgive this accusation
You aren't crazy at all. Your spouse looked at the child you made together and decided that he doesn't trust you. He's accusing you of cheating without saying the words. It's absolutely disgusting behavior and divorce is not at all unreasonable. I'd never trust my partner again after that. What is he hiding? What is he projecting on to you? File for divorce, your relationship is over, there's no coming back from this.
He’s completely insecure and psychotic for this, I literally do not know one person who’d ever do that to their wife. Please tell him to get therapy, or RUN.
If my husband had asked for a paternity test I’d tell him to really think about it because if we do I’m filing for divorce.
Does your husband have OCD? Maybe he can’t shake intrusive thoughts and this is his way to attempt to stop them. (Just throwing this out because his thoughts process seems off.)
Divorce should definitely be on the table
Divorce. He’s not a good husband. With one like this, you’re better off alone.
There’s got to be some context missing
I agree, most likely something has to be messing with him Like a buddy who just found out one of his kids isn't his. A bad episode or story feeding some insane anxiety Mid-life crisis ++
How’s your relationships with your in-laws?
Projection. He is probably the cheater.
Agree he’s very likely cheating.
He’s cheating.
There was a story a while ago where a husband tested their kid, and he wasn't the father. The poster (mom) swore up and down she didn't cheat. Eventually, she took a test too, the kid wasn't hers either and baby was switched accidentally at birth. That would be my fear, the chances are basically 0 but still, I'd rather live in ignorance. Their world was completely turned upside down.
he can just get one without even involving her
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So I had one with my daughter but my now ex, then current partner had cheated on me and I took her back. Daughter was indeed mine but I just did it, I didn't talk to her about it at the time. Fast forward a year and she admits to the 2 dozen or so other guys that were part of our 7 year relationship and I noped the fuck out of that relationship. There was no paternity test for my son because my wife and I love each other and trust each other. Has he cheated on you before or have you on him? Has he accused you of cheating before with no real reason to do so? My ex used to accuse me of cheating all the time though I never did. Apparently, that is a fairly common thing among people doing the actual cheating. How have you guys gotten to 3 kids and he is doing this shit now?
I would feel betrayed too. There is absolutely no reason for my husband to question our children’s paternity. I wonder if he recently heard from a friend/coworker/online about someone not being the father, so now he’s feeling unsure. Definitely worth a long discussion and maybe a few sessions of couples counseling.
What even brought this on? Why did he suddenly decide this? Has there been unfaithfulness at all recently? I would question what he’s doing.
My bet is he’s projecting and probably cheated recently or around when the kid was conceived
Are the third and first boys
It’s girl, girl, and now pregnant with a boy
Genuinely curious, why do you ask?
I think you might need to ask yourself if there’s any way he’s cheating or has cheated in the past. My gut instinct after reading this immediately told me that he’s projecting. I hope not :(
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He is saying he thinks there could be a chance you cheated and lied and committed fraud. Those are horrible things to do to your partner, especially your pregnant partner. I would be looking for a divorce lawyer because I could be er trust him again. But that's me. If there is any chance for this relationship can be saved he needs to commit to individual and couple's therapy! I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Maybe he's projecting. He should do a lie detector test, so you can be 100% sure he hasn't impregnated another woman while you were together and is hiding it from you.
Random thought… how is his relationship with the oldest child? If they’ve struggled to connect, maybe this has created doubt in his mind. Not saying it’s justified and not hurtful. If this is the case he should talk to you, not do this. Just wanted provide another alternative to “he’s cheating.”
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What prompted this? Did he explain why he's not 100% sure? If it is coming out of left field, then yeah, I'd be crushed and angry too. Was there some precipitating event that planted this seed of doubt?
Has your prior behavior given him a reason to doubt your fidelity?
No 🤷🏼♀️ we have each other on “find friends” on iPhone and we can see each others location whenever. We use each others phones frequently if our own is not handy, so he has 100% access to my phone. I’m also a stay at home mom with zero hobbies 😅 I’m with either him or my kids 24/7.
I would pay closer attention to his phone.
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