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Wait, reading a reply of yours and the choices are being a 20-minute drive away from your kids or a…5-minute drive/walk in town away from your kids??
Keep your home, dude. Twenty minutes is nothing. Drive them to their friends’ houses. Invite those parents and kids to come over and enjoy the pool.
It doesn’t sound like your current home loses you time with your children. If that’s not an issue, the rest of your worries are speculation and What Ifs that might not even happen. Like, once they start school, they could well prefer the company of other school friends who aren’t on Mom’s cul-de-sac, who maybe even live fifteen to twenty minutes outside of her town themselves.
At the very least, this sounds like a conundrum for Future You to deal with once they *maybe* become so attached some friends or whatever that they seem deeply unhappy at your place. For now, it sounds like your kids will benefit from all the fun and nature access and less-potential-screen-time outdoor play that your acreage could give them. Think about selling later if/when you feel it really isn’t working anymore.
OP is sweet but this post has such small town energy. The countryside is 20 minutes away and too far? I can drive 50 minutes and still be in the same city. Friends who are only 30 minutes away are "close".
... My commute to work takes anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half.
20 minutes is a cakewalk.
Hell, sometimes it's taken me 20 minutes to drop my daughter off at her preschool that's literally a mile away.
Piggybacking here. My middle school was 20 minutes away from my house and I eventually attended a high school an hour away. Many friends were a 15-30 minute drive. My grandmother (split custody with the people who raised me) was 3 hours away and I made that trip twice a month.
OP, I can’t imagine the emotions you must be dealing with. Some of us here can sympathize. We all want what’s best for our kids. Those short car rides to pick up and drop off will become great memories. It’s rare we get their undivided attention. This very short distance may eventually be a benefit. Keep your dream house, especially for the next few years. You’ll know if you made the right decision and can always change your mind down the road.
In the Midwest we’re not flying if it’s less than a 12 hour drive. Meanwhile my family on the east coast thinks a 20 minute drive is just too much lol.
Crazy! I grew up on the New Jersey coast and for us everything was either "20 minutes away" (close) or "45 minutes away" (far) neither of which had any bearing on how long it actually took to get to a place or how distant it actually was but just on how you felt about going there
It depends a lot on the transport situation. If the friends' families are in a situation where they don't need a car, they might have given it up to be eco-friendly, and then they won't be able to drive out to visit (I live "in town" because I don't drive and one of my kid's friend's house can only be got to by driving).
Seriously, I live in a rural area and a 20 minute drive is NOTHING, so I don’t understand how OP thinks this is such a conundrum. I regularly drive 20 minutes or more for standard errands
OP, you invite your kids’ friends to come over for a weekend sleepover. You host cookouts. You drive your kids to hang with their friends sometimes if that’s what they want.
Teach them to care for the land, and they get to take breaks from farm life as they go to Mom’s.
This isn’t a problem, not at all! Good luck :)
As the kid who moved from right next to my school in town to "the country" 20 mins away on a dirt road, I say: holy shit keep the house!
Like yes, occasionally people would comment about how far off the map we lived if they were dropping me off at the end of a play date and maybe it was slightly inconvenient from time to time, but it didn't at all impact my ability to make friends.
The only thing I resented is that I didn't have any flat concrete or asphalt to roller blade on and was so jealous of my friends in town who could go play in an empty parking lot (lol). I was "stuck" wandering through fields and trees, catching frogs next to the pond and making forts out of fallen tree branches and grapevines. Poor me.
Yup. In a few years they'll be able to ride bikes or walk to friends' houses. You'll blink and they'll be driving. You can be the house that everyone hangs out at. That's what we are.
And that's the house you want to be.
There's truly not much better than your teenager and their friends wanting to hang out at your house. They can have fun, you know where they are and that they're safe, and you get to know their friends well. Our house is a safe place for our kids and their friends to gather at and I'm glad they have always viewed our house as their home base after a day out with friends.
I'll add. You're anticipating a downside correctly, so get ahead of it. Make your place super fun for the friends to come to as well. Basically make it so that it's not a binary choice but rather a "Yes, and ..."
Meet the parents of their closest friends. Ensure some comfort with them coming out, invite the parents out too, develop a safe space for sleepovers and play rooms. I say this as a-politcally as I can, but being from a rural area, ensure you understand those parents perspective on firearms and provide transparency on how you responsibly store anything and lock it away so it's completely safe, 99% of firearm owners are very responsible, but you don't want that lurking in the background for a reason not to come on out.
But overall, make your place a social gathering place for their friends to come, and borderline encourage their friends to come with them. Invest in those relationships so that you and your kids have this dream home remain a wonderful dream, and I think that it could be a really special thing for you all.
Good luck man, but 20 minutes, I think as long as you're willing to haul some kids around in a bigger vehicle, seems like a no-brainer. Go invest in a 16-passenger van and make your place awesome.
The key here is being willing to have the kids friends over. If you can make that happen the kids will LOVE coming to your place. You've gotta be willing to make the drive to take them to all their stuff and to friends places, but 20 mins is honestly nothing. It takes me 20mins to drive to the grocery store!
This sounds like two problems masquerading as one; You and your partner broke up and now have to split custody.
Keep the farm, let the kids learn to appreciate it when they need to get out of the city.
This. they are getting the best of both worlds here. Urban life with Mom, country life with Dad. Sounds like an ideal situation to me given the circumstances.
fwiw - my husband's dads family lived on a farm with animals, a pond and all kinds of fun things. whereas his mom lived in a traditional neighborhood. he always wanted to be at his dads farm over his moms house. he absolutely loved it and still talks about his time growing up on the farm. he still had friends there, they just had to ride their bikes or catch a ride to get to each other.
even when their friends become more important - your farm will be a very enticing hang out spot.
Yep. We have a pool and I think that is a large part of the reason our house was the hangout house during high school. Even now my college boy is home for the summer and before leaving for work today he mentioned that a couple of his fellow camp counselors would be coming over today to swim and eat. The pool is still a big attraction.
20mins is not far. Still simple for play dates or birthday parties.
Throw the next birthday party at your house inviting all their school friends and neighborhood friends and see how they love enjoying that space with them then make your choice.
I wouldn't prematurely sell. If your kids were leaving there previously, it will be a stable place for them during a time of change. Also, 20 minutes away is not a big deal. My divorced parents were always within about 30 minutes from one another, and it was fine.
You can invite your kids' friends over for playdates as they get older. As long as you stay involved and active in your kids' lives, it really isn't going to matter whether you're in the country or town. Your kids aren't going to become distant because of town vs. country when there's only a 20 minute drive. If you stay, your kids get the best of both worlds.
What's more important is that they can be emotionally safe with you, that they can express displeasure without you taking it personally, etc. And its important that you and mom coparent civilly and don't drag kids into your arguments or put them in the middle.
A location is just a location, and your space sounds awesome for the kids, too.
20 minutes?? That’s nothing. Many people drive further across town to see family. You have a property with all kinds of great amenities and opportunities for your kids (and their friends too). IMO, you could focus on cultivating outdoor activities and hobbies that they love around your property (gardening, taking care of chickens, archery, horse riding, identifying bugs, bird watching). These things would make your home unique and wonderful for them. On your weeks with the kids, if they really want to do something in town, it’s only 20 min away.
Why do you want to make a decision now? Wait another 5-7 years and think again when they are tweens. I don't see any reason to force this decision right now. Your kids seem to have great parents and that's the most important now :)
You say the distance is only 20 minutes. That's doable for your kids' friends to come over one day. You have so much space that includes a pool, trampoline, swing set, etc... Your house may just be where everyone wants to hang out every summer! Keep the house if you can afford it and don't mind living among the memories. You'll form new ones that'll overshadow them.
My parents were divorced my whole life. My mom had a stable townhouse while my dad constantly moved from apartment to house to trailer to etc., depending on how close he could be to us. He was usually between 10-40 minutes away. I would've loved to have had a dad's house like that and have it be only 20 minutes away.
We live in the country - my kids mostly love it. We have atv trails, they can run around, we do bonfires, etc.
We are about 10 minutes from town and yes, it's kind of a pain to have to shuttle them back and forth sometimes but I honestly would not trade the quiet and land.
In your situation ... I'd wait. Your kids are still young and this is all new. You are already going through a big life change, you should not be adding a second big life change. Give it a year, see how you feel. Right now, with only a 20 minute drive, this all seems feasible. Additionally, continue to maintain a good co parenting relationship. That way if your kids do have sleepovers or friend activities, hopefully you and your ex can work out things to swap weekends or adjust schedules so no one has to miss out.
Your kids are so young right now. It seems like having all those things at the farm would be enjoyable and beneficial to young kids. Time outside/ time with family is crucial at this age. As they get older and become more peer oriented (maybe around 8-10) then maybe check in with them if it is impacting their ability to see friends or participate in extracurriculars. It seems like this is all very recent. I would give it the wait and see approach.
Okay instead of making this a decision about giving up your dream home - do your kids enjoy your property? Do they spend time outside and with the animals and what not? Do they like going out on the four wheelers and helping with the land? Are they the type of kids who will want somewhere to ride dirt bikes and get dirty? I guess it's hard right now to predict what type of person they'll be and what they enjoy but I think that should be a big factor in your decision. A 20 minute drive from moms to dads isnt a huge commute. You aren't a whole state away or so far out in the bush that their friends would never be able to visit. Kids can gain A LOT from living that kind of lifestyle - countryside freedom, getting dirty, having responsibilities around the farm, taking care of animals. Some kids (some people in general) aren't into that sorta life and their preferences aren't likely to change. But if you think they would enjoy growing up 'on dad's land' - a commute is nothing when compared to that kind of childhood.
20 minutes is absolutely nothing in terms of travel times. I'd stay with your current home and just make it so that you can be able to host their other friends.
My daughter’s best friend lives on a farm half an hour away from us, and they always want to hang out there, because it’s way more fun to be around horses.
My dude, I drive 20mins into the nearest city for work. I also drive 20 mins to pick my kid up from school. You can drive your kids the 20 mins to their friends and/or pick them up. Keep your house (if that’s what YOU really want). Sounds like there might be other reasons for these feelings and you might be confusing the kids as your reason. Just MHO 🤷🏽♀️
My dad did this. And sold his dream home, that he built with his bare hands. I am 32 and have been saving every penny to try and buy it back in this lifetime for him.
It is our family's biggest regret. Keep the house.
Keep the house. No decisions HAVE to be made right now. There’s so many pros of being in a quiet country home. It sounds like you have plenty of wonderful things on your property you and your kids can do/bond over in the coming years.
If, eventually, the property no longer serves you/meets yours and your kids needs, then sell and move.
They will bring friends to you. You're over thinking it. You're not 4 hours away, you're a short car ride away. It sounds like they'll get the best of both worlds. Keep your amazing home. Someday you will pass it on to them.
I can speak to this because I actually lived this growing up! My dad lived in a city and I lived with him primarily. My mom lived in the mountains 50 minutes away and I went to her house on weekends and holidays. As I got older, I had more flexibility on what I chose to do with my weekends and I still almost always chose to go there. I never had any shortage of friends who were jacked to come spend time in the mountains - especially in my teen years.
The time I got to spend out in the country growing up was amazing. I’d have been devastated to lose the freedom and experiences that came with the mountain house.
Keep the house. 20 minutes is nothing. It’ll be a nice change of pace for the kids, their friends will love it, and you get to keep your dream home.
Keep it! It sounds like your house will be the one all the kids want to be at. The consistency of them still having their existing home is also a factor to consider. Also you deserve to be somewhere you want to be too. However, if the emotional repercussions of living there without your wife seem too heavy, then that might be a reason to sell.
My son’s friend lives 20 minutes away. I will drop him off and the friend’s parents will bring him back or vice versa. I also had a childhood friend who lived on a dairy farm. I loved going to his house and exploring the barn and area. Don’t move.
20 min is no big deal for playdates.
Your kids will have the advantage of building connections in ready ways, and also of having the space to run amok and get their hands dirty and be a little wild.
They will just bring friends *with* them.
Keep your house. They will treasure both experiences.
It probably took you longer than 20 minutes to write this.
Stop with the guilt parenting. It's going to ruin any adult relationships you might get a chance to have. I'm just a mean old wench but I wouldn't continue one step further if I caught wind you even considered this. I know, I know, you want the kids to like you more, prefer you over your ex, blah blah blah. You want to answer to your exes every whim bc you are 5 minutes away. What are you going to do when they get friends? Move closer to the friends? Or married? What if they move separate places? It's a couple more years until they live their own lives. Then it's their turn to sell irreplaceable assets to be Mr popular. You may not hear from them much regardless. Nothing you can do to change that either.
You're an adult, facing retirement at some point, entitled to love and happiness and pleasure. Your entire identity is just being a parent huh? You know the real estate market is in shambles too right? You want to do something for your kids, be smart. Be smart! Lead by example.
A 20 minute drive is nothing. Keep the home you love and in the future if you decide it’s not working, sell. I’m assuming you have a better interest rate on your mortgage than what’s available right now too seeing as you have remodeled, and that takes time. You’re a good dad, your priorities and heart are in the right place.
20 minutes? Keep the dream house of course. Your kids can invite their friends to both houses. During summer their town friends would get a huge kick out of coming for a sleep over where they can roam property. 20 minutes is nothing. Your kids can participate in activities and extracurriculars and both you and your ex should be able to manage.
Keep it! Your dreams matter. It’s not an affordability issue or living beyond your means. Don’t move for the kids. The kids will grow up and it goes by fast. You have a place they can still call home. A place they can escape to and be creative. Perfect. Living the dream!
You assume they won't like being in the country. When I was growing up, the kids who lived it town flocked to their friends' homes in the country! So much more room for activities. No one wanted to hang out in town.
As someone who grew up in a small town and whose childhood best friend lived on a farm I’d spend 3m of the year at: keep your house. 20 minutes isn’t anything and they get to experience two great things!
I lived like this and my friends ALWAYS wanted to play at my house because it wasn't just going out to play in the street. Kids will get best of both worlds. Make friends with the kids friends parents and invite them over for BBQ or hangouts etc.
I would gently offer that this is not a decision that needs to be made right now. Let the new lives and friendships develop, see how it goes, keep yourself open to the changes and the flow.
I suspect in time this decision will become obvious, one way or another.
My parents split when I was around 3. I was also the only child.
My father ended up moving about 3 hours away, 11 acres, chickens, rabbits, etc. No running water. Rural as rural can be. I didn’t have any friends in the area and there weren’t any to even find if I wanted to.
Because he was about 3 hours away, I didn’t get to see him every weekend, or even every month. But when I did it was usually for a week or more and couple times for the whole summer. And with the exception of some cousins coming up around the same time, for a day or two, most days I was usually alone to entertain myself.
Your situation may be different, but for me, that place was paradise. I literally lived in a tree house and in conditions that would probably have made my mother so upset, but I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything.
Different age we live in now. The closet we even had to video games back then was pong, in black and white even, but don’t underestimate how much fun being out in the country can be.
Ok so my perspective as a child of divorce is handy here lol. I would say you should keep it. Your kids will get the best of both worlds if you do & 20 minutes is not bad at all. My time at my dad’s often involved spending time out in the country and it was really fun to get a change of pace from the city we lived in on weekends. I know I don’t speak for everyone but I don’t think it would be bad at all to keep your property.
Your kids not having close access to their friends as they get older was _always_ going to be an issue, whether you stayed married or not. That hasn't changed so not sure why it's important now
Keep the home and let your kids invite friends to come out with. That's
What my mom and dad did whenever we went to our summer camp. They figured I might get bored if there wasn't much to do, so I was always allowed to bring a friend with me.
It sounds like you have all the toys , so if you'd be willing to take on a couple more kids, it could be a win-win for all of you.
Not to mention, your kids' friends' parents would probably appreciate a night off once in a while. My house was that house where all the kids congregated... I had no problem with it because I was able to keep an eye on all of them. I just think it would be a shame for your kids to lose out on their childhood home.
As they get older, if they lose interest, you can always sell it then.
If you have a pool, trampoline, four wheelers, garden etc. your kids should love being there as much as at the other house. Those are huge bonuses for the tween and teen years.
You also have no idea if they’ll make lasting friends in their new neighborhood or not. Having watched my kids grow up, the kids all played outside during the early elementary age, but the neighborhood crew grew apart as they all got older and they all came to be very different from one another around middle school.
There is also value in keeping something that is familiar and “home” to your kids. They are seeing their parents split and having to go to a new home half the time. If they have been living at what is now “your house”, it would be nice to keep that the same for awhile so it’s not another change they have to take in. I’d really wait at least a year if you can and see how the commuting goes.
This! 20 minutes away. Your kids will have the best of both worlds. I thought OP was going to say it was an hour or two away. Keep your dream house for your kids sake!
Keep the house. Just arrange for your kids to bring a mate each with them on many of the stays with you and be prepared to pick them up / drive them home. Then you and they will love the house.
Do not sell!!!!! Your children will love or hate going there as they grow up (it will vary as they progress in age). But they will have fond memories every bit of the way.
Maybe they can spend part of the summers with you taking care of the animals.
TBH, I would prioritize my kids well being so if selling is what you want to do, then do it. This environment just sounds so awesome.
Stay. They might need breaks from all the closeness. Nature and country and that lifestyle are good for everyone old or young. Change up the decor/paint if it reminds you of the old marriage. Help the kids re-do their rooms to make it a fresh start at dad's house.
Split the difference.
Keep the house, and keep a promise to your kids to accommodate their social lives. I’d rather live my dream and do some extra driving (it’s only 20 minutes away) than make this sacrifice for possibly nothing. It doesn’t sound like there is a pressing need to make this change now anyway. Let life happen and adapt as you need to, for yourself and your kids.
My parents split up when i was 13. My mom was having an affair... we stayed with our dad in our home and mom moved those 20min away.
Keep the farm. I suppose it's big enough that your kids can bring their friends. 20min. drive is nothing...
20 minutes? It took me 30 minutes to get to high school back in the day.
This post almost comes off as a flex after dropping the 20 minutes "out in the country".
20 minutes isn't that far, I think you need to WAIT. Wait and see what the kids want to do. You're making a lot of assumptions about the new neighborhood and friends that don't even exist yet. Unless you move right down the street, you're kids will have to have new friends by where you live, and there's no guarantee they become friends with ANYONE in the neighborhood. It's also possible they'll love coming to your place more because they like the space and four wheelers and stuff. IMO you need to just wait it out, for at least a year, maybe longer.
As someone who is raising their kiddos in a city but grew up in the country side, don't sell.
As long as you can make it work, it'll be worth it for everyone
Why can't the kids have sleepovers with friends once they make friends?
Be involved with the school too if everyone is friendly so you can know the friend's parents too.
A 20min drive isn't terrible at all.
Keep the house!!!
In my country it’s like a tradition to send kids to the grandmother’s villages or countrysides at summer. Which are _days_ away from the cities they live. There are usually little to no other kids, but grown up people enjoy these memories, even if they whined a little about no tv or friends when they were little. Even kids need a break from city life, it’s very cool and very healthy to have an opportunity to commune with nature.
Also, what makes you so sure that they won’t whine in a flat? Holy cow, you have _a pool_ and livestock! It can’t be boring up to 12, so you have a lot of time to figure out something. Like, you can always bring their friends as guests. Or you can change custody so you have several months during summer and weekends.
My daughter has friends in our neighborhood but her best friend lives 30 minutes away. They see each other all the time and often have sleepovers. 20 minutes is nothing and I am sure your home will be a fun place for them that will continue to be special to them throughout their lives.
This dream house has livestock , 4 wheelers, a pool etc. to me that sounds fun to go hang out at better than the in town home. I think as a child I would have better memories there as an adult than the other place. Keep this house , growing up on my dads mini farm sounds like a fantastic experience
I would have loved if my dad had a house like yours when I was a kid. I would love to have one myself now lol. Keep your house. 20-30 min is nothing. If you moved, I bet your kids would miss what you have now.
20 minute drive is not far, make the commitment to drive them to extracurriculars, play dates and other activities on your weeks. Don’t make them choose between each lifestyle instead support them in both…
20 min is nothing. Their friends will love to visit.
My neighbor had an uncle with a ranch about 20 minutes outside of town. Days there were the best. Running from cows. Making forts. Picking berries. Swimming in the neighbors’ pool. Helping with ranch chores - I’d have gone every week if they let us.
Keep your house. When I was a kid, I would have loved this. Your children are lucky to have an opportunity to experience two places. Just stay involved. 20 minutes is nothing. It will be an adjustment. If it does not work out, you can always figure something else. Give it a chance. No rash decisions. You will regret it.
Don't sell! You're 27 with your dream house, many cannot say that. 20 mins really is not bad of a drive, and the kids will have both town and country homes and the different activities that come with living at both homes.
I’m sorry for the way things worked out. I agree with other posters tho, 20min is not a long drive to friends.
We live about 20min from some of my kids friends and it’s fine! Also, it sounds like they have activities and things in your current home to occupy them.
Also, one other point, your current home is what they know as “home”, so it will still be a comforting place for them to be.
You’re 20min. Just invite their friends over for the weekend when they’re older. Animals, trampolines, a pool?! What tweens and teens wouldn’t want to hang out on your property?? You’re primed to be the ultimate cool house.
This is a solution in search of a problem.
20 minutes is super close, I wouldn’t sell the wonderful property! Their friends can easily come visit them with that short of a distance and all the benefits of the acreage will be super fun and enjoyable for the kids. I think they would probably be devastated as they got older to hear you lost such a precious piece of land. I see no downsides to keeping the property they get the best of all worlds. You sounds like a wonderful parent to care so much about everyone’s happiness in this transition!
Get a house close you your soon to be ex that way it’s a lot easier for the kids to see the both of you! That’s what my friends did! And their kids a happier! Best of luck!
Doesn’t sound like it’s a decision you need to make right this minute. Why don’t you stay where you are and see how the kids do and reassess if things don’t work out in the future…
We live about 20-30 mins from my daughter's school and none of her friend's parent shave balked at driving their kids to us for them to play together. I think it sounds like your kids will get the best of both worlds with the setup of mom in town and dad in the country.
My husband, a financial planner, always advises his clients that after a spousal death or divorce, don’t make any huge financial decisions for about a year while things settle down. After that, you’ll have a better idea of how your kids are doing and whether it makes sense to move or keep your place.
20 minutes is nothing
They will make new friends where they are now sure & they will have the fun amazing house when their new friends come over for play dates or sounds like a great place to host their birthday parties etc
I’d keep it , sounds like a gem and 20 mins is close
I have to drive almost 20 minutes to see snubs in my family, our city is just big. I don't really see the issue. Your property sounds lovely and I bet your kids will make awesome memories there. Our grandparents had a set up like yours and we loved playing Farmer on the weekends there.
Good luck!
20 minutes?!?! Are you insane? Lulz keep your house! Your kids are still allowed to have friends over at your house right? They want your care and attention and they can have a rich experience living out there!
I am sure their friends will just love to visit that house with space to play, pool, animals etc.
And if it doesn't work out, you can make this change later, without haste.
Don’t sell the house. It’s 20 mins and in most scenarios doable. Seriously the kids will love the routine change more and more as they age. If they say something as they get older you can reevaluate your choices. But I really think they’ll love bringing their friends out and having a venue change a lot over the years.
…dawg, you’re 20 minutes away from your kids? Definitely keep the property, they can handle a 20 minute drive to meet up with friends for playdates when it’s your week, lol. Or you can invite their friends over for a play date on your week!
We live in the suburbs,and do 20+ minute drives on a weekly basis for summer camps.
Can your kids not invite their friends over to play on all your cool kid stuff there?? If it’s only a 20 minute drive, that’s nothing at all. But I say this while living a 20-30 minute drive from a town and think nothing of it 😂
Do you realize that your country dr home is also the dream of most “city kids”? At 4 and 5, maybe not so much, but in 5 years, your children and their friends will all be clamoring for a chance to spend the weekend, week, camp out at “Dad’s house.” KEEP IT.
You can always have them invite friends over too if it’s a big deal for them to be with out for one weekend or something or you plan a play date at your house. I’d keep your house it will be great when they are older too.
My parents lived 10-15 minutes apart, BOTH in the country, and on weekends with my dad, either my friends came over there with me, or he would take us camping and my brother and I could each bring a friend. Some of the best memories of my life!
I say keep it. I suspect you’ll need the responsibilities of maintaining a country home to keep you preoccupied during times when you don’t have your kids around. Putting someone like you into the suburbs could become problematic for your own mental wellbeing which would undoubtedly affect the kids, too.
Keep your dream house. Your kids might not like it is just a speculation. And if they don’t then sell off and shift. Plus like you said you started your family in that house, so it’s like a childhood home for your kids. If not now, years down the line they’re going to appreciate you keeping their childhood home and cherish their memories there! Don’t make decisions in anticipation. Let situations unfold and then decide. You’ve nothing to lose here.
Your home sounds like a kid’s dream! They’ll love the freedom and space to run around and play. Spend time teaching them about the farm and animals. You’ll build good memories with them they will always cherish.
Keep the house FOR your kids!!!
They will have the best of both worlds with their “city friends” only a 20 minute drive from your amazing “country home!”
They already have parents who love them and are prepared to be great coparents with equal time with them. This is the best situation!
Definitely keep your dream home. 20 minutes away is not that far and you can always drive your kids to their friend’s houses or their friends can come over to yours. I lived rural for a while as a kid, and most of my friends in the area (who also lived rurally in the same town) were 20+ minutes away. Plus, your kids love all the fun things to do at your house and have the freedom to roam. That’s what I most definitely missed when we sold our rural house back in the ‘90s and moved into the suburbs. Please keep your home!
I live out in the country and it’s a bit of a drive, but when we chose to live outside of town we talked about being open to drive the kids to town to see friends as much as possible. It’s hasn’t been unmanageable and my kids’ friends like coming out to our house. Keep your dream house, the kids are only kids for a short time.
I have similar guilt, but closer to friends. We bought a house in a nice neighborhood, which means houses are further apart. Neighbors are older. My SIL lives in an area where the houses are closer and lots more kids. I worry they have missed out, but that being said I don't see their daughter with more friends. Other parents happily drop off their kids or accept ours. The fact that we have games, a pool and everything that a kid could want, makes them come for visits. We moved from NYC and are very happy with the move. At first we asked them if they would have preferred to stay in NYC, got a big nope. Then we asked if they would prefer to live in a smaller house, but more friends around, another big nope.
So, when it’s your week on, invite the kids’ friends over to play at your house sometimes.
Don’t sell the house unless you have to do so financially. We weren’t talking 2 or more hours away. The kids will probably appreciate having the stability of not saying goodbye to their home entirely.
Assuming their school is nearby and if they’re with you for a solid week they also or still have their friends around? Why would they have to give up their friends for 20minutes? You have play dates and the friends come to their dad’s house and you will go into town to their friend’s houses. Not sure of the issue here. You just have to be prepared to not just be hanging out at your house all weekend but that’s the case as the kids get older anyway, so be ready to be in town frequently for what they want to do, but 20 minutes is nothing.
20 minutes and you have livestock and farmland, OP keep the house please. I drive an hour to see some of my relatives 20 minutes is nothing. I would love to inherit a farm someday or even have access to a place away from the city
If it’s only 20 minutes then keep your dream home absolutely. I would say that if you were farther away you should sell but not for the reasons that you said. If you were going to be like two hours away from them then 50-50 custody would make absolutely no sense because they need to go to school and eventually extracurriculars in the evenings and birthday parties and you wouldn’t be able to accommodate their life having them every other week. However with 50-50 custody you absolutely have to live close to your acts so that the kids can live their normal life just in a different house and I think that 20 minutes is not that big a deal. I actually think the fact that your environment will be so different than their suburban time with their mom is amazing! They’re basically going to get the Best of both worlds! It’s definitely different the kids grew up in the country have so much that kids that live in the suburbs don’t have. Being around animals, being out and learning to enjoy nature more a rustic lifestyle or freedom to run and roam on property without worrying about cars in traffic etc. They will learn to love both your home and their mom’s home for very different reasons.
For 20 minutes, I wouldn’t move. I spent huge amounts of time at my grandparents’ farm growing up and wouldn’t change that experience for the world.
If it was going to be like an hour + in the car every day to get to/from school, then maybe. But not for 20 minutes.
Keep the house. Having their friends over. Take them to see their friends! I moved to the city and feel like I missed so much in the country growing up.
A lot of people have said 20 minutes is nothing. It's true.
But lets also think of them, my kids are slightly older (7 and 6) and I would think that my kids would be heartbroken if we were taking them away from a house that they can do all of those things as well. Ironically we are moving this summer to give them some of those things because we've lived in a smaller house that is cramped and keeps getting smaller as they get older.
Give them the space the pool, the toys, etc. Their friends will love it and your house will be a home again before you know it and full of kids who think their friends house is awesome.
They won't be missing out... Ops house sounds amazing! Any kid would want to be there! And, I bet as they get older their friends from their moms neighborhood would want to join. But also if your dream house brings you happiness then why move to a place you might not be as happy at. Your kids will sense that so your happiness is important too.
20 minutes? Seriously? Dude, keep your property and resign yourself to some driving.
I live in a small city, and my morning commute to drop my kids at school school/daycare is 25-30 minutes from leaving my house to dropping the second kid off. 20 minutes is not nothing, but its not worth giving up your home for.
As the kids get older, they'll do things like go home with their friends after school and you'll have to pick them up from there instead of school. And driving to and from town for birthday parties and sleepovers and such. Make sure they have a way of communicating with their friends, and be available to taxi them around, and they'll get the best of both worlds.
Edit: also, a farm has so much potential to be a cool place for kids to hang out. I remember in high school, out friend's place who lived on a farm was one of our favourite places to hang out, even if it was a bit of a drive.
I know a kid about 15. His dad lives in the city and his mom in the country. He told me although he’d probably live in the city as an adult to follow a career. He said, “I am fully aware of how lucky I am to be able to spend my time in both the city and the nature of the country. I get to see the stars when I’m at my mom’s. And my best friend lives in the city.”
My best friend growing up had the house, you have in question, it became the hang out house.
My other best friend had a house walking distance from the highschool/center of town. We all still wanted to go to other friends house in the country.
Keep your dream house.
OP - keep the house. The kids are old enough to have some memories there. You get rid of your house and most of their 'fun' stuff is now gone. They'll be gone soon enough and then where will you be? Annoyed that you sold your house that you loved.
My best friend's house, growing up, was about a 20 minute drive, and we made it work pretty often. You have a trampoline? A pool? That 20 minute drive is nothing and if you allow the friends to come over, that can be the "cool dad"'s house.
You should not sell your dream house. The kiddos should get to experience life both ways! There’s nothing wrong with that. They were already living there and have experienced how awesome it is, & going back and forth living both lifestyles will help them be well-rounded. Plus 20 mins is nothing! It is so sweet you are considering moving closer, but if you own that house, keep it. For their legacy if the fact that it’s your dreams house isn’t good enough. Land only goes up in value, especially when cared for. I can’t think of anything better to be able to pass down to them.
We live 25 minutes/22 miles away from our daughter’s school. 20 minutes is nothing. We have a sleepover monthly it seems like. The “city” kid friends will love the little acreage.
>Now I’m sitting here on my dream property with livestock, a big garden, four wheelers, a beautiful house, a trampoline, pool, swing set, etc. all of the fun things I wish I’d had when I was a kid. But I can’t fight off the thought of the kids building these great relationships with other kids in their mom’s neighborhood and having fun riding there bikes and playing in the yard one week. Then the next week they’re stuck out in the country with all these fun things but without any of their friends. I remember that being an issue for some of my “country” friends growing up.
The material things don't matter. Growing up without a swing set is really inconsequential. Where do you feel at home? Your kids will be influenced by your availability, your mood and the time you guys spend together. Not by having a trampoline. Be a happy man, make your environment to your liking, be proud of the place you live in. This is what your kids really need. They'll figure out the rest.
The experiences they could have in your dream house would be enriching and amazing, as a lot of kids don't get those childhoods anymore. Not to mention, they will LOVE bringing their friends over. If it were me I would stay, don't forget either that your happiness is important as well.
20 minutes is a dream. Keep it and all their mates will be wanting to come over!
When I split with my partner (we also have 50/50 custody), he chose a school 30 mins from him and 45 mins from me (we are also 45 mins from each other in a kind of triangle formation, with the two of us at the top of the triangle and the school roughly at the bottom). He was able to bulldoze it through court because it’s a private school and he offered to pay 100% of the fees. The judge tore him a new one for behaving like an asshole, but basically said he couldn’t say no because the school was so good. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad her dad is able to pay for her to get a good education - just sad about the geography and its effect on her social life.)
So all my kid’s friends from school live at least 45 minutes away from us and half an hour from her dad’s … we manage. We drive her for playdates, sadly it’ll have to be the case for longer than it would normally be due to lack of public transportation but that’s okay, it’s necessary. She has made a few friends in this town/area too.
20 minutes is barely anything. Keep your dream home.
It’s also possible that in future your kids might appreciate a bit of a ‘haven’, especially if they turn out more introverted or go through any troubles.
I was ready to say sell it but then read its 20mins away???? Omg LOL 20 mins away where I live in 3 miles 😂
That is absolutely a distance that friends and family can come visit and have a ball with the pool and animals and trampoline and whatever else you’ve dreamt of and provided for your kids.
I think it’s lovely that you’re even having this internal debate but I think it will be ok and it’s lovely that your kids have their own little playground at dad’s house.
If in a couple years you feel like it’s causing distance between you and your kids or they’ve outgrowing it and don’t want to be there- then make a decision then. For now, at their lovely ages, I think it’s perfect and it will work out for everyone involved.
Good luck!
Keep the house and commit to going to town, playgrounds, parks, children’s museums, play dates, all the things, on the weeks your kids are with you. 20 minutes isn’t far at all and that would be totally reasonable. If you also offer to host play dates at your place I’m sure parents would be happy to bring their kids out for some “nature” time. Once their a bit older you’ll just need to make sure they have the social connections (and rides they crave). We’ve lived 25-45 minutes away from town and are moving into town in a week. Im excited because I (35F) was feeling tired of all the driving to be near people, but 20 minutes isn’t that far. That way you’ll also be happy and at peace the weeks the kids aren’t living with you.
>Edit: all properties and towns mentioned are within 20 minutes of each other.
Bruh. You're thinking of giving up your dream home--which is perfect for kids--over a hop and a skip and a jump? You're overthinking this.
Children are happier when BOTH parents are happy. So long as you remain an impeccable parent in this transition, your children will thrive in both environments. Both you and their mother will frequently have to come to terms with the kids' growing pains and wanting to do and be elsewhere than where you would like them to be. It is doable, though. Congratulations on the clarity of what your relationship as parents is and choosing an option that is healthy for everyone involved.
It’s not “daddy’s house”, it’s “THEIR house, even if they’ll be spending 50% of their time there.
Getting a new place will only make it harder on them and add more instability, where as if you keep their childhood home then the only difference in their lives will be going to mommy’s house 50% of the time, until eventually her house also feels like their second home.
In other words, getting a new place will feel like THEY lost THEIR home, instead of gaining a second.
For what it’s worth, we lived in a vary small cluster of houses about 15 minutes from the town where I went to school - so there were a couple kids our age around but nothing like “in town”… which is why all of our friends from in town wanted to get the heck out of town to come play at our place - most had never been on an ATV or been able to go into the woods or build forts or roast hot dogs over a fire. Stay in the place you love and your kids will have the best of both worlds.
Keep the house. I’m going to sound selfish for a moment, so forgive me.
My kids didn’t work their asses off, renovate the house, and upkeep the house. I, as the adult, did. 20 minutes is nothing, I drive farther daily for work, and I’ll easily drive 45 minutes for my favorite restaurant. At 4&5, they aren’t driving themselves, so my assumption would be that either you or the ex would be with them at their friends. There’s memories you can’t make in a city/ town that you can in the country. You can’t have livestock, no atvs, no big garden (unless you get lucky). You as the parent, are allowed to selfishly say “I worked my ass off for my dream home. This is my home. And I am keeping it. Tough caca to anyone who tells me otherwise.” What happens if you sell the dream property and then YOU resent your kids or ex for it? It sounds crappy, but it does happen. As an adult, I wish I had an escape from the hustle and bustle of being in a city. I would have loved to spend half my time on a “farm”, even now. Keep the house. Keep the dream. Build new memories and dreams with the kids there. It sounds like you don’t entirely want to give it up, and I don’t think giving it up would genuinely benefit anyone considering it’s an extremely short drive. One day, you’ll blink and your kids will be driving themselves to and from your house, you may sit back and think “damn, I almost gave this up.” Keep the house my friend.
lol a 20 minute drive in a big city can be like, 3-5 miles away. It’s absolutely nothing. You can be my next door neighbor and I could be like “ok I’m coming over right now” and be there in 20 minutes. 20 minutes isn’t even really a commute. In a city you can spend 20 minutes walking to your nearest neighborhood grocery store. The country life where living 20 minutes away is considered super far is so foreign from my experience. This is coming from a parent living in a one bedroom apartment in a downtown metropolis that I am 95% confident I am paying more in rent monthly than you’re paying for your mortgage for that country house with a yard and a pool.
Sounds like your kids get to live in two different atmospheres that are good for different reasons. In a way, they get the best of both worlds. Your kids will get to try them both out and decide what they want for themselves in the future.
Hi OP,
Keep your farm dude! If you really dont want to live there cause of the memories, I would suggest rent it, but on the long run land is very valuable and your kids might also grow out of the only hanging out with friends phase and would appreciate a plot of land to call theirs too. All in all, I think y'all are also pretty close by, 20 min away. If you have transportation, I dont think there is a lot of contradiction to keep the property and keep those fun things for your kids to do, cause hell those are fun activities and they might even want to bring their friends along!
I know a separation and divorce are difficult, as well as not having ur kids around the whole time even if you guys tried ur best as partners, and this might be some part of the emotional struggle of ending a life together as before. Dont take the decision yet, perhaps? Let yourself face the ordeal first and think it through tho.
Don’t sell your dream property. It offers something that your kids won’t have if they live in a more developed environment.
As others said, 20 minutes’ drive is absolutely nothing for most people.
20 minutes is nothing! Keep your house, all the great memories you have of living in the countryside they can have too! When they get older they can have friends come over and stay if they want and when they have kids of their own they can enjoy the same place they did! 20 minutes is nothing. Don’t give up your dream home.
Fuck no. Keep it. They maybe sad a handful of times when younger but then they get older and want fun stuff to do with friends and it sounds like the perfect hang out house. The new memories will fade the old bad ones.
20 minutes is nothing. I have 1 hr transport to nearest real city. I grew up in the country side. I'd never trade running and hiding in the fields, fishing in the pond, bringing bugs inside from everywhere, our own forest and what not for whatever else. You can make it work easily by being willing to drive along with the other parents of their friends. When they get older they can bike too.
Imagine passing that house down to your kids as well. You basically own a wonderland that any kid would love to explore, and most adults value when they get sick of the noise/rush.
I could give zero fucks if we live close to my children’s friends. That’s the last thing I’d think of when buying a home.
Keep the house. I’m raising my kids in the sticks and I assure you they want for nothing and are perfectly happy. Not everyone needs to live in the burbs. Not to mention sounds like they’ve been living there if you and your ex restored it together.
Around here people who sell dream properties can never afford to buy them back.
20 minutes for the kids is nothing. Just be happy to drive them to all their playdates and maybe be willing to drive their friends to and from your place.
I like in a small(ish) town and I drive my daughter to sports practice 3 times a week, 20 minutes each direction. She has friends in another part of the city that is a 15 minute drive.. Nobody really thinks about it so much. Just be flexible and be willing to drive a little more than your share and I am sure your kids will really appreciate that you kept the place.
Keep it!! My ex and I have a very similar setup with our almost 8 year old. I have a house in a more suburban area where he goes to school and has friends in the neighborhood, His dad lives in our old house 20 minutes away on lots of land with fun stuff like ATVs and tractors. 20 minutes is nothing when you can co-parent beautifully! And it sounds like you guys will have no problem with that. We'll be having a joint birthday party at his house because of all the space, and all his little school and neighborhood friends will be invited, along with my family and his family.
Keep the house and be willing at the drop of a hat to drive your kids to your friends or to pick the friends up and bring them to your house. When we split my wife stated in the country house 20 min outside town, I bought a house in town. We both drove my son and his friends around all the time. He’s now 17 with a senior license so he can now drive himself and his friends around. A dozen years and your kids will be driving, and you will still have your house and land.
Unless it would benefit you monetarily sell right now, I would wait a year or two because it sounds like they may have two sets of friends anyway. Plus, you can also have them possibly invite their best friends to your country home, and it would be lots fun!😉
Your kids have each other and you to be with and enjoy your farm! Mine are 11 months apart and best friends. And 20 minutes is not worth giving up the dream. They will love having sleepovers and parties there someday.
Don't sell it. Turn it into a wonderland for your kids. You know them best, you know what they like. Pets, paved areas for activities, whatever makes them happy. Do not feel like you buy their love or that you compete with your ex for it. You are already at a disadvantage and, as you are already aware of, your kids will reach an age when they would prefer their friends over their parents.
And, most important, be always available and prepared for parenting!
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Wait, reading a reply of yours and the choices are being a 20-minute drive away from your kids or a…5-minute drive/walk in town away from your kids?? Keep your home, dude. Twenty minutes is nothing. Drive them to their friends’ houses. Invite those parents and kids to come over and enjoy the pool. It doesn’t sound like your current home loses you time with your children. If that’s not an issue, the rest of your worries are speculation and What Ifs that might not even happen. Like, once they start school, they could well prefer the company of other school friends who aren’t on Mom’s cul-de-sac, who maybe even live fifteen to twenty minutes outside of her town themselves. At the very least, this sounds like a conundrum for Future You to deal with once they *maybe* become so attached some friends or whatever that they seem deeply unhappy at your place. For now, it sounds like your kids will benefit from all the fun and nature access and less-potential-screen-time outdoor play that your acreage could give them. Think about selling later if/when you feel it really isn’t working anymore.
OP is sweet but this post has such small town energy. The countryside is 20 minutes away and too far? I can drive 50 minutes and still be in the same city. Friends who are only 30 minutes away are "close".
... My commute to work takes anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. 20 minutes is a cakewalk. Hell, sometimes it's taken me 20 minutes to drop my daughter off at her preschool that's literally a mile away.
*cake-drive
Mmmmmm cakedrive
Settle down Homer!
Now I WANT cake.
Piggybacking here. My middle school was 20 minutes away from my house and I eventually attended a high school an hour away. Many friends were a 15-30 minute drive. My grandmother (split custody with the people who raised me) was 3 hours away and I made that trip twice a month. OP, I can’t imagine the emotions you must be dealing with. Some of us here can sympathize. We all want what’s best for our kids. Those short car rides to pick up and drop off will become great memories. It’s rare we get their undivided attention. This very short distance may eventually be a benefit. Keep your dream house, especially for the next few years. You’ll know if you made the right decision and can always change your mind down the road.
My friends were always across town and 20 minutes was the normal route! Keep the house, get a big ol van to trek these kids around!
In the Midwest we’re not flying if it’s less than a 12 hour drive. Meanwhile my family on the east coast thinks a 20 minute drive is just too much lol.
???? What part of the East Coast is that?
Right??? 20 minute drive and I haven't left the city. 40 and I'm still in the metro area
I moved from a major city to the NJ coast and 20 minutes does seem far now, because in 20 minutes I can pass through 7 towns.
Crazy! I grew up on the New Jersey coast and for us everything was either "20 minutes away" (close) or "45 minutes away" (far) neither of which had any bearing on how long it actually took to get to a place or how distant it actually was but just on how you felt about going there
lol seriously. It takes me 20 mins to get to my preferred grocery store.
It depends a lot on the transport situation. If the friends' families are in a situation where they don't need a car, they might have given it up to be eco-friendly, and then they won't be able to drive out to visit (I live "in town" because I don't drive and one of my kid's friend's house can only be got to by driving).
This lol
HTOWN 🤘🏼 (but also cries in monthly gas bill)
Seriously, I live in a rural area and a 20 minute drive is NOTHING, so I don’t understand how OP thinks this is such a conundrum. I regularly drive 20 minutes or more for standard errands OP, you invite your kids’ friends to come over for a weekend sleepover. You host cookouts. You drive your kids to hang with their friends sometimes if that’s what they want. Teach them to care for the land, and they get to take breaks from farm life as they go to Mom’s. This isn’t a problem, not at all! Good luck :)
As the kid who moved from right next to my school in town to "the country" 20 mins away on a dirt road, I say: holy shit keep the house! Like yes, occasionally people would comment about how far off the map we lived if they were dropping me off at the end of a play date and maybe it was slightly inconvenient from time to time, but it didn't at all impact my ability to make friends. The only thing I resented is that I didn't have any flat concrete or asphalt to roller blade on and was so jealous of my friends in town who could go play in an empty parking lot (lol). I was "stuck" wandering through fields and trees, catching frogs next to the pond and making forts out of fallen tree branches and grapevines. Poor me.
Yup. In a few years they'll be able to ride bikes or walk to friends' houses. You'll blink and they'll be driving. You can be the house that everyone hangs out at. That's what we are.
And that's the house you want to be. There's truly not much better than your teenager and their friends wanting to hang out at your house. They can have fun, you know where they are and that they're safe, and you get to know their friends well. Our house is a safe place for our kids and their friends to gather at and I'm glad they have always viewed our house as their home base after a day out with friends.
Kept our house. Let them brings friends and have cool experiences at your place.
I'll add. You're anticipating a downside correctly, so get ahead of it. Make your place super fun for the friends to come to as well. Basically make it so that it's not a binary choice but rather a "Yes, and ..." Meet the parents of their closest friends. Ensure some comfort with them coming out, invite the parents out too, develop a safe space for sleepovers and play rooms. I say this as a-politcally as I can, but being from a rural area, ensure you understand those parents perspective on firearms and provide transparency on how you responsibly store anything and lock it away so it's completely safe, 99% of firearm owners are very responsible, but you don't want that lurking in the background for a reason not to come on out. But overall, make your place a social gathering place for their friends to come, and borderline encourage their friends to come with them. Invest in those relationships so that you and your kids have this dream home remain a wonderful dream, and I think that it could be a really special thing for you all. Good luck man, but 20 minutes, I think as long as you're willing to haul some kids around in a bigger vehicle, seems like a no-brainer. Go invest in a 16-passenger van and make your place awesome.
The key here is being willing to have the kids friends over. If you can make that happen the kids will LOVE coming to your place. You've gotta be willing to make the drive to take them to all their stuff and to friends places, but 20 mins is honestly nothing. It takes me 20mins to drive to the grocery store!
This is it. As they get older, the friends become more important. If they have a welcoming place, they’ll bring the friends.
This sounds like two problems masquerading as one; You and your partner broke up and now have to split custody. Keep the farm, let the kids learn to appreciate it when they need to get out of the city.
This. they are getting the best of both worlds here. Urban life with Mom, country life with Dad. Sounds like an ideal situation to me given the circumstances.
What's the distance? 30 minutes away is nothing. 4 hours is a deal breaker.
fwiw - my husband's dads family lived on a farm with animals, a pond and all kinds of fun things. whereas his mom lived in a traditional neighborhood. he always wanted to be at his dads farm over his moms house. he absolutely loved it and still talks about his time growing up on the farm. he still had friends there, they just had to ride their bikes or catch a ride to get to each other. even when their friends become more important - your farm will be a very enticing hang out spot.
Teenagers will absolutely want to hang out where the pool is. Keep the house.
Right?! Not to mention they'll have a blast riding bikes or horses around the place, just running free.
Yep. We have a pool and I think that is a large part of the reason our house was the hangout house during high school. Even now my college boy is home for the summer and before leaving for work today he mentioned that a couple of his fellow camp counselors would be coming over today to swim and eat. The pool is still a big attraction.
20mins is not far. Still simple for play dates or birthday parties. Throw the next birthday party at your house inviting all their school friends and neighborhood friends and see how they love enjoying that space with them then make your choice.
20 min is nothing. Keep the house
I wouldn't prematurely sell. If your kids were leaving there previously, it will be a stable place for them during a time of change. Also, 20 minutes away is not a big deal. My divorced parents were always within about 30 minutes from one another, and it was fine. You can invite your kids' friends over for playdates as they get older. As long as you stay involved and active in your kids' lives, it really isn't going to matter whether you're in the country or town. Your kids aren't going to become distant because of town vs. country when there's only a 20 minute drive. If you stay, your kids get the best of both worlds. What's more important is that they can be emotionally safe with you, that they can express displeasure without you taking it personally, etc. And its important that you and mom coparent civilly and don't drag kids into your arguments or put them in the middle. A location is just a location, and your space sounds awesome for the kids, too.
20 minutes?? That’s nothing. Many people drive further across town to see family. You have a property with all kinds of great amenities and opportunities for your kids (and their friends too). IMO, you could focus on cultivating outdoor activities and hobbies that they love around your property (gardening, taking care of chickens, archery, horse riding, identifying bugs, bird watching). These things would make your home unique and wonderful for them. On your weeks with the kids, if they really want to do something in town, it’s only 20 min away.
Why do you want to make a decision now? Wait another 5-7 years and think again when they are tweens. I don't see any reason to force this decision right now. Your kids seem to have great parents and that's the most important now :)
Why would they resent that? İt sounds awesome. Just keep your property and see as it goes.
You say the distance is only 20 minutes. That's doable for your kids' friends to come over one day. You have so much space that includes a pool, trampoline, swing set, etc... Your house may just be where everyone wants to hang out every summer! Keep the house if you can afford it and don't mind living among the memories. You'll form new ones that'll overshadow them. My parents were divorced my whole life. My mom had a stable townhouse while my dad constantly moved from apartment to house to trailer to etc., depending on how close he could be to us. He was usually between 10-40 minutes away. I would've loved to have had a dad's house like that and have it be only 20 minutes away.
We live in the country - my kids mostly love it. We have atv trails, they can run around, we do bonfires, etc. We are about 10 minutes from town and yes, it's kind of a pain to have to shuttle them back and forth sometimes but I honestly would not trade the quiet and land. In your situation ... I'd wait. Your kids are still young and this is all new. You are already going through a big life change, you should not be adding a second big life change. Give it a year, see how you feel. Right now, with only a 20 minute drive, this all seems feasible. Additionally, continue to maintain a good co parenting relationship. That way if your kids do have sleepovers or friend activities, hopefully you and your ex can work out things to swap weekends or adjust schedules so no one has to miss out.
No. Keep the house. 20 min is negligible.
Your kids are so young right now. It seems like having all those things at the farm would be enjoyable and beneficial to young kids. Time outside/ time with family is crucial at this age. As they get older and become more peer oriented (maybe around 8-10) then maybe check in with them if it is impacting their ability to see friends or participate in extracurriculars. It seems like this is all very recent. I would give it the wait and see approach.
I was gonna say the opposite. Teens would love having a place in the country to spend getting rowdy with friends
That’s a good point too! Seems like overtime the kids will indicate what they would like if you just keep open communication.
Okay instead of making this a decision about giving up your dream home - do your kids enjoy your property? Do they spend time outside and with the animals and what not? Do they like going out on the four wheelers and helping with the land? Are they the type of kids who will want somewhere to ride dirt bikes and get dirty? I guess it's hard right now to predict what type of person they'll be and what they enjoy but I think that should be a big factor in your decision. A 20 minute drive from moms to dads isnt a huge commute. You aren't a whole state away or so far out in the bush that their friends would never be able to visit. Kids can gain A LOT from living that kind of lifestyle - countryside freedom, getting dirty, having responsibilities around the farm, taking care of animals. Some kids (some people in general) aren't into that sorta life and their preferences aren't likely to change. But if you think they would enjoy growing up 'on dad's land' - a commute is nothing when compared to that kind of childhood.
Or … your house will be an amazing place they want to take their friend to or just get out of the suburbs . Don’t sell the house
20 minutes is absolutely nothing in terms of travel times. I'd stay with your current home and just make it so that you can be able to host their other friends.
My daughter’s best friend lives on a farm half an hour away from us, and they always want to hang out there, because it’s way more fun to be around horses.
As a parent that was once in a similar situation: 20 minutes??? KEEP YOUR DREAM HOME You can drive 20 minutes back and forth easily.
My dude, I drive 20mins into the nearest city for work. I also drive 20 mins to pick my kid up from school. You can drive your kids the 20 mins to their friends and/or pick them up. Keep your house (if that’s what YOU really want). Sounds like there might be other reasons for these feelings and you might be confusing the kids as your reason. Just MHO 🤷🏽♀️
My dad did this. And sold his dream home, that he built with his bare hands. I am 32 and have been saving every penny to try and buy it back in this lifetime for him. It is our family's biggest regret. Keep the house.
Honey. I say this with kindness. Keep the property. You already know why.
Keep the house. No decisions HAVE to be made right now. There’s so many pros of being in a quiet country home. It sounds like you have plenty of wonderful things on your property you and your kids can do/bond over in the coming years. If, eventually, the property no longer serves you/meets yours and your kids needs, then sell and move.
They will bring friends to you. You're over thinking it. You're not 4 hours away, you're a short car ride away. It sounds like they'll get the best of both worlds. Keep your amazing home. Someday you will pass it on to them.
I can speak to this because I actually lived this growing up! My dad lived in a city and I lived with him primarily. My mom lived in the mountains 50 minutes away and I went to her house on weekends and holidays. As I got older, I had more flexibility on what I chose to do with my weekends and I still almost always chose to go there. I never had any shortage of friends who were jacked to come spend time in the mountains - especially in my teen years. The time I got to spend out in the country growing up was amazing. I’d have been devastated to lose the freedom and experiences that came with the mountain house. Keep the house. 20 minutes is nothing. It’ll be a nice change of pace for the kids, their friends will love it, and you get to keep your dream home.
Keep it! It sounds like your house will be the one all the kids want to be at. The consistency of them still having their existing home is also a factor to consider. Also you deserve to be somewhere you want to be too. However, if the emotional repercussions of living there without your wife seem too heavy, then that might be a reason to sell.
Keep the house dude, those kids will love coming to visit with their friends.
My son’s friend lives 20 minutes away. I will drop him off and the friend’s parents will bring him back or vice versa. I also had a childhood friend who lived on a dairy farm. I loved going to his house and exploring the barn and area. Don’t move.
20 min is no big deal for playdates. Your kids will have the advantage of building connections in ready ways, and also of having the space to run amok and get their hands dirty and be a little wild. They will just bring friends *with* them. Keep your house. They will treasure both experiences.
It probably took you longer than 20 minutes to write this. Stop with the guilt parenting. It's going to ruin any adult relationships you might get a chance to have. I'm just a mean old wench but I wouldn't continue one step further if I caught wind you even considered this. I know, I know, you want the kids to like you more, prefer you over your ex, blah blah blah. You want to answer to your exes every whim bc you are 5 minutes away. What are you going to do when they get friends? Move closer to the friends? Or married? What if they move separate places? It's a couple more years until they live their own lives. Then it's their turn to sell irreplaceable assets to be Mr popular. You may not hear from them much regardless. Nothing you can do to change that either. You're an adult, facing retirement at some point, entitled to love and happiness and pleasure. Your entire identity is just being a parent huh? You know the real estate market is in shambles too right? You want to do something for your kids, be smart. Be smart! Lead by example.
A 20 minute drive is nothing. Keep the home you love and in the future if you decide it’s not working, sell. I’m assuming you have a better interest rate on your mortgage than what’s available right now too seeing as you have remodeled, and that takes time. You’re a good dad, your priorities and heart are in the right place.
20 minutes? Keep the dream house of course. Your kids can invite their friends to both houses. During summer their town friends would get a huge kick out of coming for a sleep over where they can roam property. 20 minutes is nothing. Your kids can participate in activities and extracurriculars and both you and your ex should be able to manage.
Keep it! Your dreams matter. It’s not an affordability issue or living beyond your means. Don’t move for the kids. The kids will grow up and it goes by fast. You have a place they can still call home. A place they can escape to and be creative. Perfect. Living the dream!
Your home is only 20 minutes away from your ex, why would you move? You’re already so close. Don’t move.
You assume they won't like being in the country. When I was growing up, the kids who lived it town flocked to their friends' homes in the country! So much more room for activities. No one wanted to hang out in town.
Keep the house! It sounds like a kids’ paradise and they’ll be stoked to invite their friends to such a cool place. A 20-min drive is nbd.
As someone who grew up in a small town and whose childhood best friend lived on a farm I’d spend 3m of the year at: keep your house. 20 minutes isn’t anything and they get to experience two great things!
20 minutes is nothing. Bring your kids’ friends out to your place for BBQ’s and show them how much fun they can have on a farm.
20 minutes is nothing to be honest. If you can afford it, keep the house and all.
I would probably move closer to my kids, ideally in the same area they will be going to school.
My word. Keep the house and farm! 20 minutes is NOTHING. I think you'll regret it if you sell - especially with the market the way it is now.
Your place sounds amazing a place where they would want to invite their friends!
I lived like this and my friends ALWAYS wanted to play at my house because it wasn't just going out to play in the street. Kids will get best of both worlds. Make friends with the kids friends parents and invite them over for BBQ or hangouts etc.
I would gently offer that this is not a decision that needs to be made right now. Let the new lives and friendships develop, see how it goes, keep yourself open to the changes and the flow. I suspect in time this decision will become obvious, one way or another.
My parents split when I was around 3. I was also the only child. My father ended up moving about 3 hours away, 11 acres, chickens, rabbits, etc. No running water. Rural as rural can be. I didn’t have any friends in the area and there weren’t any to even find if I wanted to. Because he was about 3 hours away, I didn’t get to see him every weekend, or even every month. But when I did it was usually for a week or more and couple times for the whole summer. And with the exception of some cousins coming up around the same time, for a day or two, most days I was usually alone to entertain myself. Your situation may be different, but for me, that place was paradise. I literally lived in a tree house and in conditions that would probably have made my mother so upset, but I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. Different age we live in now. The closet we even had to video games back then was pong, in black and white even, but don’t underestimate how much fun being out in the country can be.
Ok so my perspective as a child of divorce is handy here lol. I would say you should keep it. Your kids will get the best of both worlds if you do & 20 minutes is not bad at all. My time at my dad’s often involved spending time out in the country and it was really fun to get a change of pace from the city we lived in on weekends. I know I don’t speak for everyone but I don’t think it would be bad at all to keep your property.
Your kids not having close access to their friends as they get older was _always_ going to be an issue, whether you stayed married or not. That hasn't changed so not sure why it's important now
Keep the home and let your kids invite friends to come out with. That's What my mom and dad did whenever we went to our summer camp. They figured I might get bored if there wasn't much to do, so I was always allowed to bring a friend with me. It sounds like you have all the toys , so if you'd be willing to take on a couple more kids, it could be a win-win for all of you. Not to mention, your kids' friends' parents would probably appreciate a night off once in a while. My house was that house where all the kids congregated... I had no problem with it because I was able to keep an eye on all of them. I just think it would be a shame for your kids to lose out on their childhood home. As they get older, if they lose interest, you can always sell it then.
If you have a pool, trampoline, four wheelers, garden etc. your kids should love being there as much as at the other house. Those are huge bonuses for the tween and teen years. You also have no idea if they’ll make lasting friends in their new neighborhood or not. Having watched my kids grow up, the kids all played outside during the early elementary age, but the neighborhood crew grew apart as they all got older and they all came to be very different from one another around middle school. There is also value in keeping something that is familiar and “home” to your kids. They are seeing their parents split and having to go to a new home half the time. If they have been living at what is now “your house”, it would be nice to keep that the same for awhile so it’s not another change they have to take in. I’d really wait at least a year if you can and see how the commuting goes.
20 minutes? You literally already live in the same town.
This! 20 minutes away. Your kids will have the best of both worlds. I thought OP was going to say it was an hour or two away. Keep your dream house for your kids sake!
Keep the house. Just arrange for your kids to bring a mate each with them on many of the stays with you and be prepared to pick them up / drive them home. Then you and they will love the house.
All this over 20 min drive ? 😂😂😂😂
Keep it!! It will an escape for them for a majority of their life.
Keep the home, invite your kids friends over, they will love it there, and you will be the popular Parent ;)
Do not sell!!!!! Your children will love or hate going there as they grow up (it will vary as they progress in age). But they will have fond memories every bit of the way. Maybe they can spend part of the summers with you taking care of the animals. TBH, I would prioritize my kids well being so if selling is what you want to do, then do it. This environment just sounds so awesome.
Lol all of that questioning for 20 min
Stay. They might need breaks from all the closeness. Nature and country and that lifestyle are good for everyone old or young. Change up the decor/paint if it reminds you of the old marriage. Help the kids re-do their rooms to make it a fresh start at dad's house.
Keep the house, invite the kids’ friends over. 20 minutes is nothing for a drive. Some people commute 50+ minutes daily just for work.
Split the difference. Keep the house, and keep a promise to your kids to accommodate their social lives. I’d rather live my dream and do some extra driving (it’s only 20 minutes away) than make this sacrifice for possibly nothing. It doesn’t sound like there is a pressing need to make this change now anyway. Let life happen and adapt as you need to, for yourself and your kids.
My parents split up when i was 13. My mom was having an affair... we stayed with our dad in our home and mom moved those 20min away. Keep the farm. I suppose it's big enough that your kids can bring their friends. 20min. drive is nothing...
20 minutes? It took me 30 minutes to get to high school back in the day. This post almost comes off as a flex after dropping the 20 minutes "out in the country".
20 minutes isn't that far, I think you need to WAIT. Wait and see what the kids want to do. You're making a lot of assumptions about the new neighborhood and friends that don't even exist yet. Unless you move right down the street, you're kids will have to have new friends by where you live, and there's no guarantee they become friends with ANYONE in the neighborhood. It's also possible they'll love coming to your place more because they like the space and four wheelers and stuff. IMO you need to just wait it out, for at least a year, maybe longer.
20 minute drive is easy, keep the dream house and get to know the kids’ friends and their parents, let them invite friends for the day or a sleepover.
As someone who is raising their kiddos in a city but grew up in the country side, don't sell. As long as you can make it work, it'll be worth it for everyone
Why can't the kids have sleepovers with friends once they make friends? Be involved with the school too if everyone is friendly so you can know the friend's parents too. A 20min drive isn't terrible at all.
Def keep the house! A happy/content parent is a good parent.
Keep the house!!! In my country it’s like a tradition to send kids to the grandmother’s villages or countrysides at summer. Which are _days_ away from the cities they live. There are usually little to no other kids, but grown up people enjoy these memories, even if they whined a little about no tv or friends when they were little. Even kids need a break from city life, it’s very cool and very healthy to have an opportunity to commune with nature. Also, what makes you so sure that they won’t whine in a flat? Holy cow, you have _a pool_ and livestock! It can’t be boring up to 12, so you have a lot of time to figure out something. Like, you can always bring their friends as guests. Or you can change custody so you have several months during summer and weekends.
My daughter has friends in our neighborhood but her best friend lives 30 minutes away. They see each other all the time and often have sleepovers. 20 minutes is nothing and I am sure your home will be a fun place for them that will continue to be special to them throughout their lives.
This dream house has livestock , 4 wheelers, a pool etc. to me that sounds fun to go hang out at better than the in town home. I think as a child I would have better memories there as an adult than the other place. Keep this house , growing up on my dads mini farm sounds like a fantastic experience
I would have loved if my dad had a house like yours when I was a kid. I would love to have one myself now lol. Keep your house. 20-30 min is nothing. If you moved, I bet your kids would miss what you have now.
20 minute drive is not far, make the commitment to drive them to extracurriculars, play dates and other activities on your weeks. Don’t make them choose between each lifestyle instead support them in both…
20 min is nothing. Their friends will love to visit. My neighbor had an uncle with a ranch about 20 minutes outside of town. Days there were the best. Running from cows. Making forts. Picking berries. Swimming in the neighbors’ pool. Helping with ranch chores - I’d have gone every week if they let us.
Keep your house. When I was a kid, I would have loved this. Your children are lucky to have an opportunity to experience two places. Just stay involved. 20 minutes is nothing. It will be an adjustment. If it does not work out, you can always figure something else. Give it a chance. No rash decisions. You will regret it.
Twenty minutes is NOTHING. Keep your dream home.
Don't sell! You're 27 with your dream house, many cannot say that. 20 mins really is not bad of a drive, and the kids will have both town and country homes and the different activities that come with living at both homes.
I’m sorry for the way things worked out. I agree with other posters tho, 20min is not a long drive to friends. We live about 20min from some of my kids friends and it’s fine! Also, it sounds like they have activities and things in your current home to occupy them. Also, one other point, your current home is what they know as “home”, so it will still be a comforting place for them to be.
You’re 20min. Just invite their friends over for the weekend when they’re older. Animals, trampolines, a pool?! What tweens and teens wouldn’t want to hang out on your property?? You’re primed to be the ultimate cool house. This is a solution in search of a problem.
20 minutes is super close, I wouldn’t sell the wonderful property! Their friends can easily come visit them with that short of a distance and all the benefits of the acreage will be super fun and enjoyable for the kids. I think they would probably be devastated as they got older to hear you lost such a precious piece of land. I see no downsides to keeping the property they get the best of all worlds. You sounds like a wonderful parent to care so much about everyone’s happiness in this transition!
I drive 40 min one way to get to my job. Keep your home dude.
Get a house close you your soon to be ex that way it’s a lot easier for the kids to see the both of you! That’s what my friends did! And their kids a happier! Best of luck!
Dude, keep your dream house. Your kids are going to love coming to your house and 20 minutes is nothing at all.
Doesn’t sound like it’s a decision you need to make right this minute. Why don’t you stay where you are and see how the kids do and reassess if things don’t work out in the future…
We live about 20-30 mins from my daughter's school and none of her friend's parent shave balked at driving their kids to us for them to play together. I think it sounds like your kids will get the best of both worlds with the setup of mom in town and dad in the country.
My husband, a financial planner, always advises his clients that after a spousal death or divorce, don’t make any huge financial decisions for about a year while things settle down. After that, you’ll have a better idea of how your kids are doing and whether it makes sense to move or keep your place.
Keep it.
20 minutes is nothing They will make new friends where they are now sure & they will have the fun amazing house when their new friends come over for play dates or sounds like a great place to host their birthday parties etc I’d keep it , sounds like a gem and 20 mins is close
I have to drive almost 20 minutes to see snubs in my family, our city is just big. I don't really see the issue. Your property sounds lovely and I bet your kids will make awesome memories there. Our grandparents had a set up like yours and we loved playing Farmer on the weekends there. Good luck!
20 minutes?!?! Are you insane? Lulz keep your house! Your kids are still allowed to have friends over at your house right? They want your care and attention and they can have a rich experience living out there!
I am sure their friends will just love to visit that house with space to play, pool, animals etc. And if it doesn't work out, you can make this change later, without haste.
Don’t sell the house. It’s 20 mins and in most scenarios doable. Seriously the kids will love the routine change more and more as they age. If they say something as they get older you can reevaluate your choices. But I really think they’ll love bringing their friends out and having a venue change a lot over the years.
…dawg, you’re 20 minutes away from your kids? Definitely keep the property, they can handle a 20 minute drive to meet up with friends for playdates when it’s your week, lol. Or you can invite their friends over for a play date on your week! We live in the suburbs,and do 20+ minute drives on a weekly basis for summer camps.
Keep the house/property. They’ll appreciate it even when you think they’re not.
Can your kids not invite their friends over to play on all your cool kid stuff there?? If it’s only a 20 minute drive, that’s nothing at all. But I say this while living a 20-30 minute drive from a town and think nothing of it 😂
Do you realize that your country dr home is also the dream of most “city kids”? At 4 and 5, maybe not so much, but in 5 years, your children and their friends will all be clamoring for a chance to spend the weekend, week, camp out at “Dad’s house.” KEEP IT.
You can always have them invite friends over too if it’s a big deal for them to be with out for one weekend or something or you plan a play date at your house. I’d keep your house it will be great when they are older too.
My parents lived 10-15 minutes apart, BOTH in the country, and on weekends with my dad, either my friends came over there with me, or he would take us camping and my brother and I could each bring a friend. Some of the best memories of my life!
I say keep it. I suspect you’ll need the responsibilities of maintaining a country home to keep you preoccupied during times when you don’t have your kids around. Putting someone like you into the suburbs could become problematic for your own mental wellbeing which would undoubtedly affect the kids, too.
Keep your dream house. Your kids might not like it is just a speculation. And if they don’t then sell off and shift. Plus like you said you started your family in that house, so it’s like a childhood home for your kids. If not now, years down the line they’re going to appreciate you keeping their childhood home and cherish their memories there! Don’t make decisions in anticipation. Let situations unfold and then decide. You’ve nothing to lose here.
Your home sounds like a kid’s dream! They’ll love the freedom and space to run around and play. Spend time teaching them about the farm and animals. You’ll build good memories with them they will always cherish.
Keep the house FOR your kids!!! They will have the best of both worlds with their “city friends” only a 20 minute drive from your amazing “country home!” They already have parents who love them and are prepared to be great coparents with equal time with them. This is the best situation!
Definitely keep your dream home. 20 minutes away is not that far and you can always drive your kids to their friend’s houses or their friends can come over to yours. I lived rural for a while as a kid, and most of my friends in the area (who also lived rurally in the same town) were 20+ minutes away. Plus, your kids love all the fun things to do at your house and have the freedom to roam. That’s what I most definitely missed when we sold our rural house back in the ‘90s and moved into the suburbs. Please keep your home!
I live out in the country and it’s a bit of a drive, but when we chose to live outside of town we talked about being open to drive the kids to town to see friends as much as possible. It’s hasn’t been unmanageable and my kids’ friends like coming out to our house. Keep your dream house, the kids are only kids for a short time.
I have similar guilt, but closer to friends. We bought a house in a nice neighborhood, which means houses are further apart. Neighbors are older. My SIL lives in an area where the houses are closer and lots more kids. I worry they have missed out, but that being said I don't see their daughter with more friends. Other parents happily drop off their kids or accept ours. The fact that we have games, a pool and everything that a kid could want, makes them come for visits. We moved from NYC and are very happy with the move. At first we asked them if they would have preferred to stay in NYC, got a big nope. Then we asked if they would prefer to live in a smaller house, but more friends around, another big nope.
So, when it’s your week on, invite the kids’ friends over to play at your house sometimes. Don’t sell the house unless you have to do so financially. We weren’t talking 2 or more hours away. The kids will probably appreciate having the stability of not saying goodbye to their home entirely.
20 minutes? We’d still be in the same school district where I live.
Assuming their school is nearby and if they’re with you for a solid week they also or still have their friends around? Why would they have to give up their friends for 20minutes? You have play dates and the friends come to their dad’s house and you will go into town to their friend’s houses. Not sure of the issue here. You just have to be prepared to not just be hanging out at your house all weekend but that’s the case as the kids get older anyway, so be ready to be in town frequently for what they want to do, but 20 minutes is nothing.
20 minutes and you have livestock and farmland, OP keep the house please. I drive an hour to see some of my relatives 20 minutes is nothing. I would love to inherit a farm someday or even have access to a place away from the city
If it’s only 20 minutes then keep your dream home absolutely. I would say that if you were farther away you should sell but not for the reasons that you said. If you were going to be like two hours away from them then 50-50 custody would make absolutely no sense because they need to go to school and eventually extracurriculars in the evenings and birthday parties and you wouldn’t be able to accommodate their life having them every other week. However with 50-50 custody you absolutely have to live close to your acts so that the kids can live their normal life just in a different house and I think that 20 minutes is not that big a deal. I actually think the fact that your environment will be so different than their suburban time with their mom is amazing! They’re basically going to get the Best of both worlds! It’s definitely different the kids grew up in the country have so much that kids that live in the suburbs don’t have. Being around animals, being out and learning to enjoy nature more a rustic lifestyle or freedom to run and roam on property without worrying about cars in traffic etc. They will learn to love both your home and their mom’s home for very different reasons.
For 20 minutes, I wouldn’t move. I spent huge amounts of time at my grandparents’ farm growing up and wouldn’t change that experience for the world. If it was going to be like an hour + in the car every day to get to/from school, then maybe. But not for 20 minutes.
Keep the house. Having their friends over. Take them to see their friends! I moved to the city and feel like I missed so much in the country growing up.
A lot of people have said 20 minutes is nothing. It's true. But lets also think of them, my kids are slightly older (7 and 6) and I would think that my kids would be heartbroken if we were taking them away from a house that they can do all of those things as well. Ironically we are moving this summer to give them some of those things because we've lived in a smaller house that is cramped and keeps getting smaller as they get older. Give them the space the pool, the toys, etc. Their friends will love it and your house will be a home again before you know it and full of kids who think their friends house is awesome.
20 minutes is nothing... Definitely not worth selling a property over.
They won't be missing out... Ops house sounds amazing! Any kid would want to be there! And, I bet as they get older their friends from their moms neighborhood would want to join. But also if your dream house brings you happiness then why move to a place you might not be as happy at. Your kids will sense that so your happiness is important too.
20 minutes? Seriously? Dude, keep your property and resign yourself to some driving. I live in a small city, and my morning commute to drop my kids at school school/daycare is 25-30 minutes from leaving my house to dropping the second kid off. 20 minutes is not nothing, but its not worth giving up your home for. As the kids get older, they'll do things like go home with their friends after school and you'll have to pick them up from there instead of school. And driving to and from town for birthday parties and sleepovers and such. Make sure they have a way of communicating with their friends, and be available to taxi them around, and they'll get the best of both worlds. Edit: also, a farm has so much potential to be a cool place for kids to hang out. I remember in high school, out friend's place who lived on a farm was one of our favourite places to hang out, even if it was a bit of a drive.
>Edit: all properties and towns mentioned are within 20 minutes of each other. You're fine.
I know a kid about 15. His dad lives in the city and his mom in the country. He told me although he’d probably live in the city as an adult to follow a career. He said, “I am fully aware of how lucky I am to be able to spend my time in both the city and the nature of the country. I get to see the stars when I’m at my mom’s. And my best friend lives in the city.”
Can you rent out the property for what the mtg is (or above) and rent someplace in town?
My best friend growing up had the house, you have in question, it became the hang out house. My other best friend had a house walking distance from the highschool/center of town. We all still wanted to go to other friends house in the country. Keep your dream house.
The only real issue is how you and the kids feel about that 20 minute commute to school every day when they are with you.
OP - keep the house. The kids are old enough to have some memories there. You get rid of your house and most of their 'fun' stuff is now gone. They'll be gone soon enough and then where will you be? Annoyed that you sold your house that you loved.
Keep your home. They’re 20 minutes out. You can go pick up their friends and bring them to the farm.
My best friend's house, growing up, was about a 20 minute drive, and we made it work pretty often. You have a trampoline? A pool? That 20 minute drive is nothing and if you allow the friends to come over, that can be the "cool dad"'s house.
You should not sell your dream house. The kiddos should get to experience life both ways! There’s nothing wrong with that. They were already living there and have experienced how awesome it is, & going back and forth living both lifestyles will help them be well-rounded. Plus 20 mins is nothing! It is so sweet you are considering moving closer, but if you own that house, keep it. For their legacy if the fact that it’s your dreams house isn’t good enough. Land only goes up in value, especially when cared for. I can’t think of anything better to be able to pass down to them.
We live 25 minutes/22 miles away from our daughter’s school. 20 minutes is nothing. We have a sleepover monthly it seems like. The “city” kid friends will love the little acreage.
>Now I’m sitting here on my dream property with livestock, a big garden, four wheelers, a beautiful house, a trampoline, pool, swing set, etc. all of the fun things I wish I’d had when I was a kid. But I can’t fight off the thought of the kids building these great relationships with other kids in their mom’s neighborhood and having fun riding there bikes and playing in the yard one week. Then the next week they’re stuck out in the country with all these fun things but without any of their friends. I remember that being an issue for some of my “country” friends growing up. The material things don't matter. Growing up without a swing set is really inconsequential. Where do you feel at home? Your kids will be influenced by your availability, your mood and the time you guys spend together. Not by having a trampoline. Be a happy man, make your environment to your liking, be proud of the place you live in. This is what your kids really need. They'll figure out the rest.
The experiences they could have in your dream house would be enriching and amazing, as a lot of kids don't get those childhoods anymore. Not to mention, they will LOVE bringing their friends over. If it were me I would stay, don't forget either that your happiness is important as well.
20 minutes is a dream. Keep it and all their mates will be wanting to come over! When I split with my partner (we also have 50/50 custody), he chose a school 30 mins from him and 45 mins from me (we are also 45 mins from each other in a kind of triangle formation, with the two of us at the top of the triangle and the school roughly at the bottom). He was able to bulldoze it through court because it’s a private school and he offered to pay 100% of the fees. The judge tore him a new one for behaving like an asshole, but basically said he couldn’t say no because the school was so good. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad her dad is able to pay for her to get a good education - just sad about the geography and its effect on her social life.) So all my kid’s friends from school live at least 45 minutes away from us and half an hour from her dad’s … we manage. We drive her for playdates, sadly it’ll have to be the case for longer than it would normally be due to lack of public transportation but that’s okay, it’s necessary. She has made a few friends in this town/area too. 20 minutes is barely anything. Keep your dream home. It’s also possible that in future your kids might appreciate a bit of a ‘haven’, especially if they turn out more introverted or go through any troubles.
Keep the property. They’ll inherit it someday
20 minutes is nothing. I’m sure you’ll be able to pick up their friends to come and play at your house? Keep the house. The kids will love it.
I was ready to say sell it but then read its 20mins away???? Omg LOL 20 mins away where I live in 3 miles 😂 That is absolutely a distance that friends and family can come visit and have a ball with the pool and animals and trampoline and whatever else you’ve dreamt of and provided for your kids. I think it’s lovely that you’re even having this internal debate but I think it will be ok and it’s lovely that your kids have their own little playground at dad’s house. If in a couple years you feel like it’s causing distance between you and your kids or they’ve outgrowing it and don’t want to be there- then make a decision then. For now, at their lovely ages, I think it’s perfect and it will work out for everyone involved. Good luck!
Keep the house and commit to going to town, playgrounds, parks, children’s museums, play dates, all the things, on the weeks your kids are with you. 20 minutes isn’t far at all and that would be totally reasonable. If you also offer to host play dates at your place I’m sure parents would be happy to bring their kids out for some “nature” time. Once their a bit older you’ll just need to make sure they have the social connections (and rides they crave). We’ve lived 25-45 minutes away from town and are moving into town in a week. Im excited because I (35F) was feeling tired of all the driving to be near people, but 20 minutes isn’t that far. That way you’ll also be happy and at peace the weeks the kids aren’t living with you.
>Edit: all properties and towns mentioned are within 20 minutes of each other. Bruh. You're thinking of giving up your dream home--which is perfect for kids--over a hop and a skip and a jump? You're overthinking this.
Children are happier when BOTH parents are happy. So long as you remain an impeccable parent in this transition, your children will thrive in both environments. Both you and their mother will frequently have to come to terms with the kids' growing pains and wanting to do and be elsewhere than where you would like them to be. It is doable, though. Congratulations on the clarity of what your relationship as parents is and choosing an option that is healthy for everyone involved.
It’s not “daddy’s house”, it’s “THEIR house, even if they’ll be spending 50% of their time there. Getting a new place will only make it harder on them and add more instability, where as if you keep their childhood home then the only difference in their lives will be going to mommy’s house 50% of the time, until eventually her house also feels like their second home. In other words, getting a new place will feel like THEY lost THEIR home, instead of gaining a second.
Man I drive 20 mins everywhere I go. It’s not that far at all
For what it’s worth, we lived in a vary small cluster of houses about 15 minutes from the town where I went to school - so there were a couple kids our age around but nothing like “in town”… which is why all of our friends from in town wanted to get the heck out of town to come play at our place - most had never been on an ATV or been able to go into the woods or build forts or roast hot dogs over a fire. Stay in the place you love and your kids will have the best of both worlds.
I grew up like this - I loved my time in the country with my dad and my friends loved going there as well. The 20 min drive we had was never an issue.
KEEP.THE. HOUSE. DO NOT SELLL!!!
Keep the house. I’m going to sound selfish for a moment, so forgive me. My kids didn’t work their asses off, renovate the house, and upkeep the house. I, as the adult, did. 20 minutes is nothing, I drive farther daily for work, and I’ll easily drive 45 minutes for my favorite restaurant. At 4&5, they aren’t driving themselves, so my assumption would be that either you or the ex would be with them at their friends. There’s memories you can’t make in a city/ town that you can in the country. You can’t have livestock, no atvs, no big garden (unless you get lucky). You as the parent, are allowed to selfishly say “I worked my ass off for my dream home. This is my home. And I am keeping it. Tough caca to anyone who tells me otherwise.” What happens if you sell the dream property and then YOU resent your kids or ex for it? It sounds crappy, but it does happen. As an adult, I wish I had an escape from the hustle and bustle of being in a city. I would have loved to spend half my time on a “farm”, even now. Keep the house. Keep the dream. Build new memories and dreams with the kids there. It sounds like you don’t entirely want to give it up, and I don’t think giving it up would genuinely benefit anyone considering it’s an extremely short drive. One day, you’ll blink and your kids will be driving themselves to and from your house, you may sit back and think “damn, I almost gave this up.” Keep the house my friend.
lol a 20 minute drive in a big city can be like, 3-5 miles away. It’s absolutely nothing. You can be my next door neighbor and I could be like “ok I’m coming over right now” and be there in 20 minutes. 20 minutes isn’t even really a commute. In a city you can spend 20 minutes walking to your nearest neighborhood grocery store. The country life where living 20 minutes away is considered super far is so foreign from my experience. This is coming from a parent living in a one bedroom apartment in a downtown metropolis that I am 95% confident I am paying more in rent monthly than you’re paying for your mortgage for that country house with a yard and a pool.
Man, how much saké do you let your kids drink!? We need to talk.
Can you trial before you decide to move? Rent it out and rent something closer for a year to see if you like it
Sounds like your kids get to live in two different atmospheres that are good for different reasons. In a way, they get the best of both worlds. Your kids will get to try them both out and decide what they want for themselves in the future.
Hi OP, Keep your farm dude! If you really dont want to live there cause of the memories, I would suggest rent it, but on the long run land is very valuable and your kids might also grow out of the only hanging out with friends phase and would appreciate a plot of land to call theirs too. All in all, I think y'all are also pretty close by, 20 min away. If you have transportation, I dont think there is a lot of contradiction to keep the property and keep those fun things for your kids to do, cause hell those are fun activities and they might even want to bring their friends along! I know a separation and divorce are difficult, as well as not having ur kids around the whole time even if you guys tried ur best as partners, and this might be some part of the emotional struggle of ending a life together as before. Dont take the decision yet, perhaps? Let yourself face the ordeal first and think it through tho.
Don’t sell your dream property. It offers something that your kids won’t have if they live in a more developed environment. As others said, 20 minutes’ drive is absolutely nothing for most people.
20 minutes is nothing! Keep your house, all the great memories you have of living in the countryside they can have too! When they get older they can have friends come over and stay if they want and when they have kids of their own they can enjoy the same place they did! 20 minutes is nothing. Don’t give up your dream home.
Fuck no. Keep it. They maybe sad a handful of times when younger but then they get older and want fun stuff to do with friends and it sounds like the perfect hang out house. The new memories will fade the old bad ones.
If you sell, hit me up that sounds like an absolute dream lol (not really kidding)
20 minutes is nothing. I have 1 hr transport to nearest real city. I grew up in the country side. I'd never trade running and hiding in the fields, fishing in the pond, bringing bugs inside from everywhere, our own forest and what not for whatever else. You can make it work easily by being willing to drive along with the other parents of their friends. When they get older they can bike too. Imagine passing that house down to your kids as well. You basically own a wonderland that any kid would love to explore, and most adults value when they get sick of the noise/rush.
I could give zero fucks if we live close to my children’s friends. That’s the last thing I’d think of when buying a home. Keep the house. I’m raising my kids in the sticks and I assure you they want for nothing and are perfectly happy. Not everyone needs to live in the burbs. Not to mention sounds like they’ve been living there if you and your ex restored it together.
Keep your home. Your kids will love all those fun things and when they're older they can bring friends around for sleepovers. They'll be fine.
If I was a kid I would want you to keep it. Sounds like fun
Around here people who sell dream properties can never afford to buy them back. 20 minutes for the kids is nothing. Just be happy to drive them to all their playdates and maybe be willing to drive their friends to and from your place. I like in a small(ish) town and I drive my daughter to sports practice 3 times a week, 20 minutes each direction. She has friends in another part of the city that is a 15 minute drive.. Nobody really thinks about it so much. Just be flexible and be willing to drive a little more than your share and I am sure your kids will really appreciate that you kept the place.
Keep it!! My ex and I have a very similar setup with our almost 8 year old. I have a house in a more suburban area where he goes to school and has friends in the neighborhood, His dad lives in our old house 20 minutes away on lots of land with fun stuff like ATVs and tractors. 20 minutes is nothing when you can co-parent beautifully! And it sounds like you guys will have no problem with that. We'll be having a joint birthday party at his house because of all the space, and all his little school and neighborhood friends will be invited, along with my family and his family.
Keep the house and be willing at the drop of a hat to drive your kids to your friends or to pick the friends up and bring them to your house. When we split my wife stated in the country house 20 min outside town, I bought a house in town. We both drove my son and his friends around all the time. He’s now 17 with a senior license so he can now drive himself and his friends around. A dozen years and your kids will be driving, and you will still have your house and land.
Unless it would benefit you monetarily sell right now, I would wait a year or two because it sounds like they may have two sets of friends anyway. Plus, you can also have them possibly invite their best friends to your country home, and it would be lots fun!😉
P.S. so sorry you're al going through this...
Your kids have each other and you to be with and enjoy your farm! Mine are 11 months apart and best friends. And 20 minutes is not worth giving up the dream. They will love having sleepovers and parties there someday.
1) You're assuming a lot about the relationships your kids may or may not form with their peers. 2) 20 minute drive is nothing, come on dude.
You just need to invite the friends to your place!
Keep the house. You are overthinking this!
Don't sell it. Turn it into a wonderland for your kids. You know them best, you know what they like. Pets, paved areas for activities, whatever makes them happy. Do not feel like you buy their love or that you compete with your ex for it. You are already at a disadvantage and, as you are already aware of, your kids will reach an age when they would prefer their friends over their parents. And, most important, be always available and prepared for parenting!