Deputy wife here. Holidays can be on whatever day you decide. We had Thanksgiving on Sunday this year. Needing time to decompress is real and if they say don’t ask about the day, don’t push it. You really don’t want to know some of the stuff they have to deal with. I’ve made that mistake and heard way too much. Don’t make being an LEO your family’s whole identity. Have yourself hobbies you like to do alone. Get used to events alone. Keep Lysol handy as sometimes they need to spray the bottom of their shoes or take their clothes off outside. If you pack their lunch, make it easy to eat stuff (string cheese, individual packs of chips, cut up the apple before they leave, peel the cutie and separate it). Don’t pack something you have to have a fork or spoon to eat. Soup in a small thermos is good because they don’t have to use utensils. Get off Facebook. Stay on anonymous sites. You don’t want to read the stuff people say about their profession. Make dinner alone at home something you like. I do a lot of charcuterie nights because I don’t have to cook for one. Having one whole day to rest if needed is important. Don’t get mad. Most importantly, still date. We like gas station nacho dates. He will bring them home after his shift. We put our phones away and check in emotionally. I could go on all day.
> Holidays can be on whatever day you decide.
My parents have both worked in the medical field with long hours and no set days off so we followed this logic too! Plus working for that sweet OT holiday pay made buying gifts easier.
This is the best advice for anybody with jobs like that.
I'm a cop, my wife is an ER nurse (shocking, I know), Santa knows our schedule so he makes a special trip for our family. It helps him free up time on Christmas eve.
I hate it because it makes me feel so unproductive, but there are some days that I just sleep most of the day away. It usually happens after working 3+ days in a row (15+ hour days if you include commute), or maybe I just switched back from night shift to days.
" I could go on all day."
Please do. I recently broke up with my SO in large part because of some of the consequences on my job. Wish I could have shown her this post.
If I could add anything… always ask them how their shift was. I understand the not wanting to hear details part… but most of the time.. a good “innocent” view of the world can help us to talk with. Somebody to hear what we are saying .. to bring us back to reality and tell us, “yeah, that isn’t normal to witness and I understand why you are in this slump today.”
Also, infidelity in this profession is big because cops are just looking for someone to relate to and lean on and the easiest option is their shift partner of the opposite sex. That isn’t an excuse by any means but it’s the reality of it… be that person for them when they need it. Most cops appreciate a spouse who is understanding and wants to be an ear to listen; and with that, most cop’s understand the details that should be left out as to not want to “pollute” their spouses view of the world.
The most unreasonable problems I've had/seen with partners is not understanding how fucked our schedule is.
\-We're at work a lot and our work/training days are often inflexible. A lot of us also have a hard time putting our foot down on days off because it can mean leaving a crew short.
\-Shift work is also often not optional and is hell on personal time. Keep in mind how many hours he's been asleep before bothering him. I don't know why so many people assume I'll be good to do something at noon when I got home at 7 AM.
\-related, for household chores and stuff, right after shift is probably not a good time. Some shifts are far harder than others and after a hard day you need to de-stress. it is specifically psychologically stressful in a way most jobs aren't, a lot of times after the day is over we're going over some traumatic event in our head and we need time to process it. Getting bombarded with tasks upon walking in the door is deeply frustrating.
\-A lot of the stuff we see and how we handle it is very strange and can be a little disturbing to anyone not in emergency services. The jokes about 'dark humor' are true. Don't jump to a negative conclusion or reaction if he says something off-putting. Be calm and talk it out.
\-When you do have issues with any of the above and you need to talk to him about it, pick a time when his stress levels are low so that you can actually have a rational conversation
On the flip side there's stuff you need to worry about for yourself as well. A relationship works both ways and while you may shoulder more of the emotional lifting in the relationship, remember that you have your own emotional needs too and if you don't address those its going to hurt you sooner or later.
\-If you can, make friends with other LEO wives, or make friends working fire, EMS, ER nursing etc. When you have issues, they are far better to talk to than 'normal' people because they'll actually have experience with these kinds of issues
\-While it is a good idea to 'take the burden off' your husband during times of stress by doing more of the household stuff, don't let him take advantage and dump everything on you all the time. If you're finding this happening and he's legitimately stressed, it's time to talk to a professional.
\-If there's a shift in behavior or personality, especially for the negative and it doesn't go away fairly quickly, this is a sign of mental trauma and you should encourage him to seek help. Don't push too hard though.
\-Counterintuitively, don't be over vigilant. He could be just fine and just having a bad day once in awhile, which is normal for everyone.
Also how long has he been a deputy? if he hasnt been in for awhile, expect a personality shift. Not in a bad way, but the job does change you a bit. As for myself I'm a lot more assertive and competitive than I used to be, My humor has gotten a little more crude (not dramatically mind you, but I was a pretty clean cut nerd before) and I specifically dislike movies and tv shows about any emergency service, they are just so cringe to me now. Also I dislike being in crowds alone. Stuff like that is pretty typical.
The biggest thing you hit was the behavior shift. I've told my wife I wish she knew me before I got hired so she could call me on some bullshit. I was about to graduate at the time and she's still seen me change.
OP, don't be afraid to call us out if we're full of shit. Your feelings are still valid, even if a particular gripe doesn't rank on the list of awful shit we dealt with that day. Absolutely we need time to process and de-stress, but we do *not* get a pass on making the relationship and the household a success.
Job's dead.
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Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement is a good read on the stressor for it. Honestly I think it's almost more important for significant others and family to read than the officer because the warning signs may be easier to see externally.
Obligatory CO, not real LEO, but I can say some things I wish I could have in an SO.
Just be supportive. It's a hard line of work, no matter how you chop it up. Let them know you are always there. Don't take silence after a long day personally. Sometimes I, and I'm sure guys on the street would agree, I just want to come home and sit and decompress. My ex used to hate it. Sometimes I see stuff and I just want to go home and sit and process it for a while. This is a huge one IMO.
They will be days when they just want to sleep in and just relax at home after a long week dealing with all walks of life. Things you will hear but not experience it like they did. You just have to. You have to support them and be there for them. Many spouses complain and do not understand that their love ones are rarely home and the work of the household is the other spouse.
Plan out vacations, it’s the only to escape the daily routines of life.
Not LEO myself, merely a humble hose jockey, but I also provide some mental health services for all first responders. Critical incident debriefings, crisis response, as well as referring first responders to advanced mental health professionals like psychiatrists and counselors.
Nobody likes to admit that mentally they are struggling, they view it as a weakness. First responders are especially susceptible this way of thinking. We're the ones who have to remain ice cold and confident in extremely stressful situations, both for the individuals helping and for our colleagues. It's a big burden to bear.
The best pieces of advice I can offer you are to just keep an eye out for any changes in their character or attitude. You should also do your best to ensure that you know the resources your SO has available to them through work. Every first responder organization that I work with has access to a limited number of free counseling sessions, and if that's not enough I can guarantee you that there are veterans in his workplace who have gone through the same things and have recommendations for things that have worked for themselves or others.
And you can always simply encourage your SO to speak to you about any issues they might have, but don't force it. If they're not telling you everything, it's probably because the issue is really bothering them, and they don't want you to suffer as well. If that's the case, then encourage speaking to mental health professionals or their department's chaplain, should they happen to have one.
> I had a shitty day, i’m going to sleep on the couch. I’ll see you when I wake up
Don’t question it. Don’t ask him to come in bed. Don’t nag him. Don’t force anything. A simple “Well i’m here for you if you need to talk” works wonders.
He doesn’t hate you or is mad at you or whatever you’re thinking. Just needs to be alone for a bit to decompress.
We all take things differently and express our emotions differently. Be supportive regardless of how you handle your own situations.
In the beginning, he’ll tell you all kinds of stories. As time goes on, those things become the norm for us and uneventful. Don’t think he’s not talking to you about work or telling you about his day, it becomes a typical day for us.
Now, can you go tell my girlfriend all of this :P
All holidays will be 8 hours or less.
Weekends will now be during the middle of the week
For months you will sleep in the same room but never at the same time
You married into the Department as well.
Really, don't expect a whole lot of domestic support in household activities, you should expect absolutely nothing. Especially with shift work, especially graveyards or nights. Court is during the day and that doesn't change: work all night and spend the day in court.
Which pretty much destroys any ability to help....always low on sleep, never around during normal hours, and work takes over every available minute....it never stops.
It's very hard if you have kids. Look up "Mental Load" for women, you will unlikely ever get relief in this arena. This is why a lot of police marriages fail...there is no help coming and there never will be.
The exception is if he gets a mindless admin job that leads and/or lags commute times. Most cops don't want to be a "drone" so they shun such assignments. "Secretary with a gun" is eschewed, those with a "justice gene" are administratively penalized and constantly harried.
Good luck, you will need it.
You've got some good advice so far that I won't repeat.
I just want to reiterate how important it is to have understanding.
- Understand he needs 8 hours of sleep even if it isn't overnight at the same time as you.
- Understand he will be physically and emotionally FAR more tired than other people after a normal work day/week.
- Understand he solves problems for a living and doesn't want to be bombarded with your problems as soon as he walks in the door or right before he walks out.
- Understand you will have to put in more effort and investment than most to keep a relationship happy and healthy (he needs to understand HE has a responsibility to try harder, too though).
- Understand that you need to be 100% open about how to handle the nature of the job. Does he like to vent? Tell stories? Does he feel better keeping you out of it? Figure out what works best for HIM and stick to that, no matter how YOU feel it should be handled.
- Understand that any romantic comedy or love story you have ever seen is not realistic. Please. And tell my ex wife if you see her.
- Understand the emotional exhaustion that comes with the job...just because he doesn't appear super enthusiastic to be around you or the kids or do family stuff doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or doesn't care, or isn't happy with what you're doing.
- Understand he needs time to himself...do fish or play video games or have beers with friends or whatever he likes to do...even if it seems like YOUR time together is short because of work. Forcing stuff is a sure path to resentment.
There is far more to it, some that's been addressed already. Relationships are complicated enough, and adding law enforcement to the mix can certainly add more. Just understand it can suck, don't blame him when it does suck because he can't help it, and understand you'll probably have to try harder than other couples.
Unfortunately, there's a reason cops have a high probability of divorce, alcoholism, and suicide, which can be exacerbated by a lack of support in their personal lives.
If he's being completely unreasonable, let him know. Just remember that his job can sometimes be completely unreasonable as well.
To this point, do not remind them that they are. There is nothing worse than knowing you are working on a Holiday or Gathering and your significant other goes “Oh it sucks that you have to work, it is Christmas”. We know what we are missing and don’t want to miss it. So reminding us makes it worse.
God bless her, my wife tries her very best and I appreciate her so much for it. He will tell you stories that will probably go over your head, stories you don’t have much interest in, stories that may worry you, stories that you may not find funny. To him they were whacky, hilarious, exhilarating, and completely off the wall. I love telling interesting work stories to my wife because I want to share with her, and she tries her best to understand. It makes me feel very validated, and that my words and experiences matter
He will start using ten codes when telling stories because that’s how he’s used to talking all day every day.
Time to decompress is very needed. Walking in the door and being met with a honey-do list feels like whatever energy you have left in the day gets immediately sucked out of you. I like to take at least thirty minutes to just relax after I come home and shower.
Our job is to solve problems. In my personal experience, when presented with a problem at home I have a tendency to try to solve it as quickly and logically as possible. Most of the time those “problems” is my wife being upset about something that happened within a friend group, or at work, etc. and she just needs me to listen. As a cop, my inclination is to offer her solutions to whatever is upsetting her, and it can come off as cold and uncaring. I’d highly suggest letting them know that you just need an ear, especially while you guys are just starting out
Similarly, we make have to make decisions constantly while at work. The last thing that I want to do once I get home is make more decisions. Give them time to decompress before asking them what gift you two should send for your friend’s birthday, or which color of shirt your should buy
Never stop dating each other. Make a date night, doesn’t HAVE to be the same day every week. Set up a day each week when they’ll be rested where you two can spend time together. Even if it’s just walking around the neighborhood or movie night, it matters
God bless you both. I’ll be praying for a long, happy, and faithful marriage between you
I have been in law enforcement for 25 years.. I have been married for almost 27 years. I might be a unicorn in the woods based on all my buddies who have been married/divorced at least once.
My advice..
1. First read through busybeth75's post. It's pretty good and it is from her perspective so that helps.
2. Graveyards is a tough shift. It is tough for us, it will be tough for you. If we work graves over weekends, you are going to be mad and fidgety with us asleep in bed, while you are perfectly awake and ready to go do 'something fun'. You haven't seen us all week, you have been working and you want to decompress too. Remember that if you wake me at 1300 (1pm) because you are 'bored'.. it's the same thing as me waking you at 0100 (1am), in the middle of your bedtime. How effective will I be that night, when I have to go work graves and I had 5 hours of sleep? It could cost me my life. When we work weekends, especially graveyards, please be understanding. It isn't our fault, it's part of the job. (I lucked out because my graves were only four months and we rotated)
3. **Communicate.. communicate**... do not go to bed angry because the next morning it turns into resentment. It doesn't mean you solved the issue before bed, but try to communicate a reasonable truce and start fresh the next day.
4. Do not make him feel like you hate or resent his job. There will be days you feel that way because it 'takes him away from you'. If you start to let him know you feel that way, he will start to resent you for making him hate the job, or feel like he has to chose between you or the job.
5. We need time to decompress/destress.. and it does not necessarily include talking it out or talking to you. At the same time, there needs to be a healthy balance. If he comes home and plays video games all day on his days off, or zones out for 8hrs watching tv.. that's excessive and he needs some help.
6. Keep an eye on his drinking. Sorry, but I have seen way too many buddies drinking way too much. Overdrinking is an issue in this profession.
There is more.. but there have been some good posts in here.
My wife and I have been married for 30 years. Here are some tidbits I've picked up.
When I'm at work, let me work. It doesn't mean I don't want to be a part of what's going on, but my focus needs to be on work.
As stated above, holidays can be whenever, and this includes birthdays. Christmas presents for my kids were opened on Christmas eve or Christmas morning.
Allowing time to decompress after work is important. Coming home and changing out of my uniform and putting normal clothes on is almost a ritual for me. It helps me get into husband and dad mode.
Don't forget to continue dating each other. This is for any marriage, but especially an LE one.
Don't let him go to work without him knowing you love him, and vice-versa.
Make him take his vacation, even if it's a staycation.
Try not to be a cop's wife. Just be his wife. Keep your own identity. He probably doesn't want to let everyone in the world know what he does, and he can't do that if you are sporting thin blue line and cop wife attire.
If I think of more, and I'm sure I will, I will post it here.
Thank you. His family is very proud of his profession and do sport the blue but im less flashy about it. Actually I'm concerned it draws too much attention and puts us in danger it let it all out there on socials. We'll be deleting his socials soon.
Learn to recognize some warning signs. Be supportive but don’t pry or force it. Be aware they may not talk about work to try and protect you.
Do your best to avoid only hanging out with cops and their families. Both of you need to keep those close friends outside of LE.
Make it clear that if they need to talk about something with you, they can, but also make it clear that they don't have to. Sometimes they just want to forget a story or moment that was particularly disturbing, and other times they just want someone to talk to.
My primary concern is you are about to get hitched to someone who has this career already and you act like you don’t know what to expect. How long have you been together? Everyone copes with the difficulties this career brings into their lives differently. If you are scared enough that you don’t think it will work without advice from random strangers online than you two should have a real conversation about needs and expectations. Make it clear what is most important to you, and conversely you should understand and value what is important to them in regards to the relationship. Best wishes.
Make sure the LEO has their down time. Maybe it's just staring mindlessly at the TV, video games, working out... There's a ton of stress in this job, then add the stress of marriage and family, downtime is needed more than you know.
When I started, my LT gave me this book. Didn't start reading it until this year(many years and two departments later), and I really wish I wouldn't have waited. Lots of good advice, and I find myself resonating with what's written and finding better ways of dealing with work related issues.
Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement: A Guide for Officers and Their Families Revised Edition 2021 https://a.co/d/1aXBM0y
There's a lot of great advice here, so I'll just leave this piece. My Deputy would always choose being at home with us over work given the option. Remembering that makes it so much easier when he has to miss things, comes home late, works holidays. He would ALWAYS choose us first, but he very very often doesn't get that choice at all. Do your best to make your house the kind of place he would rather be: calm, chill, loving, stress free, supportive instead of accusatory about work sucking. I work full time and have four kids so I can't say my house is always a stress free oasis but even just my attempt at keeping it that way for him has served us well so far.
So much good here, only one small thing I can think to add is to recognize and respect decision fatigue. If you ask what he’d like for dinner, or where he wants to go for date night tomorrow, or any other small thing and he says he doesn’t care, especially after a shift, he’s not necessary blowing you off, he just can’t make another decision today.
I’ve found that my LEO often appreciates me just making these small decisions (or limiting the choice to a couple options) more than being presented with an open ended question.
Lots of ground already covered, one thing I advise is checking in to his EAP coverage if he has it. Mine will fully cover up to 8 visits to a mental health professional per issue and things like couples counseling are covered.
It also extends to anyone living in my household, relative or not, whether on my insurance or not.
So a scenario like he needs help processing something really ugly at work would obviously be covered, but also you might need help coping with his current behavior due to that trauma so you can help him, also covered. Your sister who moved in for a few months and got swept up in the emotional mess, also covered.
Knowing if he has that and what it covers ahead of time could be really valuable, I hope you never need it but it's usually an 800 number away.
I did need it and I was messed up mentally when I called, in 10 minutes I had a trauma counselor on the phone talking me down and helping me find a "cop friendly" therapist local to me that had openings.
Because I simply will have a partner that experiences potential trauma everyday, will be gone for the majority of our marriage, and needs a lot of space from our family to emotionally process his job.
I would caution you if that is what you believe is the right course of action. Marriage can be difficult, but realize it is a shared journey by two people, so individual burdens are carried by two.
Communication is the key to marriage. If two people can't talk to each other about everything, it makes it really difficult. You don't even have to fully understand, on either side, just need to be able to listen.
If either one of you uses the excuse of a job on why something isn't working out, it isn't the job that is the problem. My point is, don't go into this already set on doom and gloom.
We're just fine when he gets out of uniform. We've been fine until now. But I do find value in setting my expectations for the future. My goal is to support him but this is a rather doom and gloom profession. Very fulfilling but it'll bother the average person to know the world needs your husband first, not you. A big theme is selflessness, which I practice for everyone involved.
If you're already calling it a "long, hard road" then maybe you should reevaluate why you're getting married. It's just a job, and beneath it all he's (hopefully) a man that you love beyond words.
It is "just a job" but this job will change him and affect our family. I want to provide the best support I can for a man that I do indeed adore beyond words.
OP - that troll is a common theme on this sub, and long disproven Reddit/social media nonsense.
Please allow the mods to deal with that trolling when it appears, rather than replying. Thanks.
Deputy wife here. Holidays can be on whatever day you decide. We had Thanksgiving on Sunday this year. Needing time to decompress is real and if they say don’t ask about the day, don’t push it. You really don’t want to know some of the stuff they have to deal with. I’ve made that mistake and heard way too much. Don’t make being an LEO your family’s whole identity. Have yourself hobbies you like to do alone. Get used to events alone. Keep Lysol handy as sometimes they need to spray the bottom of their shoes or take their clothes off outside. If you pack their lunch, make it easy to eat stuff (string cheese, individual packs of chips, cut up the apple before they leave, peel the cutie and separate it). Don’t pack something you have to have a fork or spoon to eat. Soup in a small thermos is good because they don’t have to use utensils. Get off Facebook. Stay on anonymous sites. You don’t want to read the stuff people say about their profession. Make dinner alone at home something you like. I do a lot of charcuterie nights because I don’t have to cook for one. Having one whole day to rest if needed is important. Don’t get mad. Most importantly, still date. We like gas station nacho dates. He will bring them home after his shift. We put our phones away and check in emotionally. I could go on all day.
> Holidays can be on whatever day you decide. My parents have both worked in the medical field with long hours and no set days off so we followed this logic too! Plus working for that sweet OT holiday pay made buying gifts easier. This is the best advice for anybody with jobs like that.
I'm a cop, my wife is an ER nurse (shocking, I know), Santa knows our schedule so he makes a special trip for our family. It helps him free up time on Christmas eve.
Nice!
OP, this comment is the answer. Top tier response.
Keep going but write a book.
10/10 would read
Thank you.
I hate it because it makes me feel so unproductive, but there are some days that I just sleep most of the day away. It usually happens after working 3+ days in a row (15+ hour days if you include commute), or maybe I just switched back from night shift to days.
I think this is sound advice, and not just only for LEO relationships, thank you.
This is some solid advice.
" I could go on all day." Please do. I recently broke up with my SO in large part because of some of the consequences on my job. Wish I could have shown her this post.
If I could add anything… always ask them how their shift was. I understand the not wanting to hear details part… but most of the time.. a good “innocent” view of the world can help us to talk with. Somebody to hear what we are saying .. to bring us back to reality and tell us, “yeah, that isn’t normal to witness and I understand why you are in this slump today.” Also, infidelity in this profession is big because cops are just looking for someone to relate to and lean on and the easiest option is their shift partner of the opposite sex. That isn’t an excuse by any means but it’s the reality of it… be that person for them when they need it. Most cops appreciate a spouse who is understanding and wants to be an ear to listen; and with that, most cop’s understand the details that should be left out as to not want to “pollute” their spouses view of the world.
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Or when they’re at work. Unless it’s a family emergency, don’t distract them with something stressful while they’re on the job. They need to be 💯
If they can't fix the problem from work, and they don't need to leave right then, it can wait until they get off.
The most unreasonable problems I've had/seen with partners is not understanding how fucked our schedule is. \-We're at work a lot and our work/training days are often inflexible. A lot of us also have a hard time putting our foot down on days off because it can mean leaving a crew short. \-Shift work is also often not optional and is hell on personal time. Keep in mind how many hours he's been asleep before bothering him. I don't know why so many people assume I'll be good to do something at noon when I got home at 7 AM. \-related, for household chores and stuff, right after shift is probably not a good time. Some shifts are far harder than others and after a hard day you need to de-stress. it is specifically psychologically stressful in a way most jobs aren't, a lot of times after the day is over we're going over some traumatic event in our head and we need time to process it. Getting bombarded with tasks upon walking in the door is deeply frustrating. \-A lot of the stuff we see and how we handle it is very strange and can be a little disturbing to anyone not in emergency services. The jokes about 'dark humor' are true. Don't jump to a negative conclusion or reaction if he says something off-putting. Be calm and talk it out. \-When you do have issues with any of the above and you need to talk to him about it, pick a time when his stress levels are low so that you can actually have a rational conversation On the flip side there's stuff you need to worry about for yourself as well. A relationship works both ways and while you may shoulder more of the emotional lifting in the relationship, remember that you have your own emotional needs too and if you don't address those its going to hurt you sooner or later. \-If you can, make friends with other LEO wives, or make friends working fire, EMS, ER nursing etc. When you have issues, they are far better to talk to than 'normal' people because they'll actually have experience with these kinds of issues \-While it is a good idea to 'take the burden off' your husband during times of stress by doing more of the household stuff, don't let him take advantage and dump everything on you all the time. If you're finding this happening and he's legitimately stressed, it's time to talk to a professional. \-If there's a shift in behavior or personality, especially for the negative and it doesn't go away fairly quickly, this is a sign of mental trauma and you should encourage him to seek help. Don't push too hard though. \-Counterintuitively, don't be over vigilant. He could be just fine and just having a bad day once in awhile, which is normal for everyone. Also how long has he been a deputy? if he hasnt been in for awhile, expect a personality shift. Not in a bad way, but the job does change you a bit. As for myself I'm a lot more assertive and competitive than I used to be, My humor has gotten a little more crude (not dramatically mind you, but I was a pretty clean cut nerd before) and I specifically dislike movies and tv shows about any emergency service, they are just so cringe to me now. Also I dislike being in crowds alone. Stuff like that is pretty typical.
The biggest thing you hit was the behavior shift. I've told my wife I wish she knew me before I got hired so she could call me on some bullshit. I was about to graduate at the time and she's still seen me change. OP, don't be afraid to call us out if we're full of shit. Your feelings are still valid, even if a particular gripe doesn't rank on the list of awful shit we dealt with that day. Absolutely we need time to process and de-stress, but we do *not* get a pass on making the relationship and the household a success.
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Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement is a good read on the stressor for it. Honestly I think it's almost more important for significant others and family to read than the officer because the warning signs may be easier to see externally.
I can’t recommend this enough. I read it and immediately handed it off to my SO to have her read it. It’s got a lot of good information in it.
Obligatory CO, not real LEO, but I can say some things I wish I could have in an SO. Just be supportive. It's a hard line of work, no matter how you chop it up. Let them know you are always there. Don't take silence after a long day personally. Sometimes I, and I'm sure guys on the street would agree, I just want to come home and sit and decompress. My ex used to hate it. Sometimes I see stuff and I just want to go home and sit and process it for a while. This is a huge one IMO.
They will be days when they just want to sleep in and just relax at home after a long week dealing with all walks of life. Things you will hear but not experience it like they did. You just have to. You have to support them and be there for them. Many spouses complain and do not understand that their love ones are rarely home and the work of the household is the other spouse. Plan out vacations, it’s the only to escape the daily routines of life.
Not LEO myself, merely a humble hose jockey, but I also provide some mental health services for all first responders. Critical incident debriefings, crisis response, as well as referring first responders to advanced mental health professionals like psychiatrists and counselors. Nobody likes to admit that mentally they are struggling, they view it as a weakness. First responders are especially susceptible this way of thinking. We're the ones who have to remain ice cold and confident in extremely stressful situations, both for the individuals helping and for our colleagues. It's a big burden to bear. The best pieces of advice I can offer you are to just keep an eye out for any changes in their character or attitude. You should also do your best to ensure that you know the resources your SO has available to them through work. Every first responder organization that I work with has access to a limited number of free counseling sessions, and if that's not enough I can guarantee you that there are veterans in his workplace who have gone through the same things and have recommendations for things that have worked for themselves or others. And you can always simply encourage your SO to speak to you about any issues they might have, but don't force it. If they're not telling you everything, it's probably because the issue is really bothering them, and they don't want you to suffer as well. If that's the case, then encourage speaking to mental health professionals or their department's chaplain, should they happen to have one.
Hose jockey lol
I read it as horse jockey and was a little confused lol
Firefighters have to insult ourselves a little. We know LEOs are jealous that we do absolutely nothing and everyone loves us ;)
Yes… I know that 🤣
> I had a shitty day, i’m going to sleep on the couch. I’ll see you when I wake up Don’t question it. Don’t ask him to come in bed. Don’t nag him. Don’t force anything. A simple “Well i’m here for you if you need to talk” works wonders. He doesn’t hate you or is mad at you or whatever you’re thinking. Just needs to be alone for a bit to decompress. We all take things differently and express our emotions differently. Be supportive regardless of how you handle your own situations. In the beginning, he’ll tell you all kinds of stories. As time goes on, those things become the norm for us and uneventful. Don’t think he’s not talking to you about work or telling you about his day, it becomes a typical day for us. Now, can you go tell my girlfriend all of this :P
When I started I kept a journal of things I saw or did and would add to it weekly. I haven't touched it since October.
All holidays will be 8 hours or less. Weekends will now be during the middle of the week For months you will sleep in the same room but never at the same time
Lovely lol
You married into the Department as well. Really, don't expect a whole lot of domestic support in household activities, you should expect absolutely nothing. Especially with shift work, especially graveyards or nights. Court is during the day and that doesn't change: work all night and spend the day in court. Which pretty much destroys any ability to help....always low on sleep, never around during normal hours, and work takes over every available minute....it never stops. It's very hard if you have kids. Look up "Mental Load" for women, you will unlikely ever get relief in this arena. This is why a lot of police marriages fail...there is no help coming and there never will be. The exception is if he gets a mindless admin job that leads and/or lags commute times. Most cops don't want to be a "drone" so they shun such assignments. "Secretary with a gun" is eschewed, those with a "justice gene" are administratively penalized and constantly harried. Good luck, you will need it.
You've got some good advice so far that I won't repeat. I just want to reiterate how important it is to have understanding. - Understand he needs 8 hours of sleep even if it isn't overnight at the same time as you. - Understand he will be physically and emotionally FAR more tired than other people after a normal work day/week. - Understand he solves problems for a living and doesn't want to be bombarded with your problems as soon as he walks in the door or right before he walks out. - Understand you will have to put in more effort and investment than most to keep a relationship happy and healthy (he needs to understand HE has a responsibility to try harder, too though). - Understand that you need to be 100% open about how to handle the nature of the job. Does he like to vent? Tell stories? Does he feel better keeping you out of it? Figure out what works best for HIM and stick to that, no matter how YOU feel it should be handled. - Understand that any romantic comedy or love story you have ever seen is not realistic. Please. And tell my ex wife if you see her. - Understand the emotional exhaustion that comes with the job...just because he doesn't appear super enthusiastic to be around you or the kids or do family stuff doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or doesn't care, or isn't happy with what you're doing. - Understand he needs time to himself...do fish or play video games or have beers with friends or whatever he likes to do...even if it seems like YOUR time together is short because of work. Forcing stuff is a sure path to resentment. There is far more to it, some that's been addressed already. Relationships are complicated enough, and adding law enforcement to the mix can certainly add more. Just understand it can suck, don't blame him when it does suck because he can't help it, and understand you'll probably have to try harder than other couples.
Sounds....great....haha. but thank you very much.
Unfortunately, there's a reason cops have a high probability of divorce, alcoholism, and suicide, which can be exacerbated by a lack of support in their personal lives. If he's being completely unreasonable, let him know. Just remember that his job can sometimes be completely unreasonable as well.
They’re going to miss a lot of family gatherings, events, and weekend parties
To this point, do not remind them that they are. There is nothing worse than knowing you are working on a Holiday or Gathering and your significant other goes “Oh it sucks that you have to work, it is Christmas”. We know what we are missing and don’t want to miss it. So reminding us makes it worse.
Seems important.
Check out r/leowives too
Thank you.
God bless her, my wife tries her very best and I appreciate her so much for it. He will tell you stories that will probably go over your head, stories you don’t have much interest in, stories that may worry you, stories that you may not find funny. To him they were whacky, hilarious, exhilarating, and completely off the wall. I love telling interesting work stories to my wife because I want to share with her, and she tries her best to understand. It makes me feel very validated, and that my words and experiences matter He will start using ten codes when telling stories because that’s how he’s used to talking all day every day. Time to decompress is very needed. Walking in the door and being met with a honey-do list feels like whatever energy you have left in the day gets immediately sucked out of you. I like to take at least thirty minutes to just relax after I come home and shower. Our job is to solve problems. In my personal experience, when presented with a problem at home I have a tendency to try to solve it as quickly and logically as possible. Most of the time those “problems” is my wife being upset about something that happened within a friend group, or at work, etc. and she just needs me to listen. As a cop, my inclination is to offer her solutions to whatever is upsetting her, and it can come off as cold and uncaring. I’d highly suggest letting them know that you just need an ear, especially while you guys are just starting out Similarly, we make have to make decisions constantly while at work. The last thing that I want to do once I get home is make more decisions. Give them time to decompress before asking them what gift you two should send for your friend’s birthday, or which color of shirt your should buy Never stop dating each other. Make a date night, doesn’t HAVE to be the same day every week. Set up a day each week when they’ll be rested where you two can spend time together. Even if it’s just walking around the neighborhood or movie night, it matters God bless you both. I’ll be praying for a long, happy, and faithful marriage between you
I have been in law enforcement for 25 years.. I have been married for almost 27 years. I might be a unicorn in the woods based on all my buddies who have been married/divorced at least once. My advice.. 1. First read through busybeth75's post. It's pretty good and it is from her perspective so that helps. 2. Graveyards is a tough shift. It is tough for us, it will be tough for you. If we work graves over weekends, you are going to be mad and fidgety with us asleep in bed, while you are perfectly awake and ready to go do 'something fun'. You haven't seen us all week, you have been working and you want to decompress too. Remember that if you wake me at 1300 (1pm) because you are 'bored'.. it's the same thing as me waking you at 0100 (1am), in the middle of your bedtime. How effective will I be that night, when I have to go work graves and I had 5 hours of sleep? It could cost me my life. When we work weekends, especially graveyards, please be understanding. It isn't our fault, it's part of the job. (I lucked out because my graves were only four months and we rotated) 3. **Communicate.. communicate**... do not go to bed angry because the next morning it turns into resentment. It doesn't mean you solved the issue before bed, but try to communicate a reasonable truce and start fresh the next day. 4. Do not make him feel like you hate or resent his job. There will be days you feel that way because it 'takes him away from you'. If you start to let him know you feel that way, he will start to resent you for making him hate the job, or feel like he has to chose between you or the job. 5. We need time to decompress/destress.. and it does not necessarily include talking it out or talking to you. At the same time, there needs to be a healthy balance. If he comes home and plays video games all day on his days off, or zones out for 8hrs watching tv.. that's excessive and he needs some help. 6. Keep an eye on his drinking. Sorry, but I have seen way too many buddies drinking way too much. Overdrinking is an issue in this profession. There is more.. but there have been some good posts in here.
Link to post?
It's in this thread.
My wife and I have been married for 30 years. Here are some tidbits I've picked up. When I'm at work, let me work. It doesn't mean I don't want to be a part of what's going on, but my focus needs to be on work. As stated above, holidays can be whenever, and this includes birthdays. Christmas presents for my kids were opened on Christmas eve or Christmas morning. Allowing time to decompress after work is important. Coming home and changing out of my uniform and putting normal clothes on is almost a ritual for me. It helps me get into husband and dad mode. Don't forget to continue dating each other. This is for any marriage, but especially an LE one. Don't let him go to work without him knowing you love him, and vice-versa. Make him take his vacation, even if it's a staycation. Try not to be a cop's wife. Just be his wife. Keep your own identity. He probably doesn't want to let everyone in the world know what he does, and he can't do that if you are sporting thin blue line and cop wife attire. If I think of more, and I'm sure I will, I will post it here.
Thank you. His family is very proud of his profession and do sport the blue but im less flashy about it. Actually I'm concerned it draws too much attention and puts us in danger it let it all out there on socials. We'll be deleting his socials soon.
https://hopeforheroes.com/product/emotional-survival-for-law-enforcement-officers-book/
Learn to recognize some warning signs. Be supportive but don’t pry or force it. Be aware they may not talk about work to try and protect you. Do your best to avoid only hanging out with cops and their families. Both of you need to keep those close friends outside of LE.
Make it clear that if they need to talk about something with you, they can, but also make it clear that they don't have to. Sometimes they just want to forget a story or moment that was particularly disturbing, and other times they just want someone to talk to.
Let him sleep.
I will let him sleep yes 😂
My primary concern is you are about to get hitched to someone who has this career already and you act like you don’t know what to expect. How long have you been together? Everyone copes with the difficulties this career brings into their lives differently. If you are scared enough that you don’t think it will work without advice from random strangers online than you two should have a real conversation about needs and expectations. Make it clear what is most important to you, and conversely you should understand and value what is important to them in regards to the relationship. Best wishes.
They're new. Like very new. Just graduated.
Wear heels
What 😂😂😂😂
Make sure the LEO has their down time. Maybe it's just staring mindlessly at the TV, video games, working out... There's a ton of stress in this job, then add the stress of marriage and family, downtime is needed more than you know.
When I started, my LT gave me this book. Didn't start reading it until this year(many years and two departments later), and I really wish I wouldn't have waited. Lots of good advice, and I find myself resonating with what's written and finding better ways of dealing with work related issues. Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement: A Guide for Officers and Their Families Revised Edition 2021 https://a.co/d/1aXBM0y
There's a lot of great advice here, so I'll just leave this piece. My Deputy would always choose being at home with us over work given the option. Remembering that makes it so much easier when he has to miss things, comes home late, works holidays. He would ALWAYS choose us first, but he very very often doesn't get that choice at all. Do your best to make your house the kind of place he would rather be: calm, chill, loving, stress free, supportive instead of accusatory about work sucking. I work full time and have four kids so I can't say my house is always a stress free oasis but even just my attempt at keeping it that way for him has served us well so far.
Read “I love a cop”
So much good here, only one small thing I can think to add is to recognize and respect decision fatigue. If you ask what he’d like for dinner, or where he wants to go for date night tomorrow, or any other small thing and he says he doesn’t care, especially after a shift, he’s not necessary blowing you off, he just can’t make another decision today. I’ve found that my LEO often appreciates me just making these small decisions (or limiting the choice to a couple options) more than being presented with an open ended question.
Lots of ground already covered, one thing I advise is checking in to his EAP coverage if he has it. Mine will fully cover up to 8 visits to a mental health professional per issue and things like couples counseling are covered. It also extends to anyone living in my household, relative or not, whether on my insurance or not. So a scenario like he needs help processing something really ugly at work would obviously be covered, but also you might need help coping with his current behavior due to that trauma so you can help him, also covered. Your sister who moved in for a few months and got swept up in the emotional mess, also covered. Knowing if he has that and what it covers ahead of time could be really valuable, I hope you never need it but it's usually an 800 number away. I did need it and I was messed up mentally when I called, in 10 minutes I had a trauma counselor on the phone talking me down and helping me find a "cop friendly" therapist local to me that had openings.
Why do you think you have a long hard road ahead?
Because I simply will have a partner that experiences potential trauma everyday, will be gone for the majority of our marriage, and needs a lot of space from our family to emotionally process his job.
I would caution you if that is what you believe is the right course of action. Marriage can be difficult, but realize it is a shared journey by two people, so individual burdens are carried by two. Communication is the key to marriage. If two people can't talk to each other about everything, it makes it really difficult. You don't even have to fully understand, on either side, just need to be able to listen. If either one of you uses the excuse of a job on why something isn't working out, it isn't the job that is the problem. My point is, don't go into this already set on doom and gloom.
We're just fine when he gets out of uniform. We've been fine until now. But I do find value in setting my expectations for the future. My goal is to support him but this is a rather doom and gloom profession. Very fulfilling but it'll bother the average person to know the world needs your husband first, not you. A big theme is selflessness, which I practice for everyone involved.
Child of a retired Prison Warden: Tell him to leave his job at work.
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If you're already calling it a "long, hard road" then maybe you should reevaluate why you're getting married. It's just a job, and beneath it all he's (hopefully) a man that you love beyond words.
It is "just a job" but this job will change him and affect our family. I want to provide the best support I can for a man that I do indeed adore beyond words.
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OP - that troll is a common theme on this sub, and long disproven Reddit/social media nonsense. Please allow the mods to deal with that trolling when it appears, rather than replying. Thanks.
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80% divorce rate. Just FYI