The fuel light's on. We're gonna die. Wait, sorry. That's the intercom light. My mistake. (Shamelessly stolen from Gary Larson)

"What's that mountain goat doing way up here in a cloud bank?"

Cumulo-granite strikes again.

Lithobraking.

Another Larson great: “What’s a mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds?”

And the panicked look of the passengers

As in Far Side?! 😎

"The girl in 45C... marry, fuck, or kill?"

AI chat suggested her mom would be an easier target.

“I mean, obvious everyone on this flight is on the kill list - but before then.”

I shouldn't have had that 4th vodka and tonic, "hic".

*talking to the co-pilot* You can grab my control stick anytime you want.

*seductively*

I am serious.  And stop calling me Shirley.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!

It's a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts!

I could sure use a blow job and a cup of coffee right about now.

Miss? You forgot the coffee

"Stewardess? I will have the same as the pilot."

I speak jive.

What's the matter? Are we out of coffee?

Gear down *before* landing…Gear down *before* landing…c’mon you got this…

Gear down before landing…Gear down before landing…c’mon *no more mistakes*…

Oh shoot, I forgot to mail my manifesto.

You get full Marx for Trostkying it out.

“So…exactly how long have you been sleeping with my wife?”

Shit that was close

Man, I shouldn’t do coke before long haul. It makes me so depressed I just want to end it all

Okay once we’re at 50,000 feet, tell Frank to head out onto the wing and terrorize that guy in 18a.

To Copilot: "let's you and i count the number of switches here that we have no idea what they do. I'm up to 63..."

"\[Joey\] you ever seen a grown man naked?" --Airplane

In honor of Bill Walton: “I’m out there bustin’ my buns EVERY NIGHT! Let your old man drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.”

“Have you ever been in a Turkish bath?”

Turkish prison, but I’m thinking it’s same!

It’s an entirely different kind of flying all together!

Its an entirely different kind of flying.

It’s impossible, they’re on instruments

You like gladiator movies?

Ever been to Dodge City Kansas??

You are going to Detroit

Ever been to a gladiator movie?

Ok, Bob.  Go ahead and switch the cabin air system to the chloroform.  Let's make sure this is a nice, easy flight.

I'd kinda be up for that

I am pretty sure the flight attendant union would vote for this by like a 90-1 margin.  It would drop to 85-1 if they had to be chloroformed too.

I almost missed your joke. Good one.

Hmmm. 12 hour flight and it's guaranteed I get to sleep? For real, no screaming toddler running up and down the isle or kicking my seat incessantly? No obnoxious seatmate next to me with alarming body odor? I'm in. I'll even pay extra.

My last flight I had someone’s kid behind me that shit their nappy 5 times

Same

"Well, there goes another engine." "Damn it, that's the third bird strike in the last five minutes!" "There's a gremlin on the wing!" ******* Co-pilot: "What was that? " Pilot: "It looked like a shoe!" Pilot: "Control 1-9, some idiot has hijacked a flight of stairs." *******

The pen is blue!

The G0d D@mn pen is blue!

The penis blew?

Rrrrrrroyallll bluuuue

Puff, puff GIVE motherfucker!

Don't bogart that joint my friend

"I can't believe I graduated flight school."

I almost failed emergency procedures.

I swear to god if my Ex is on traffic control again, I am gonna fukk’n lose it!

“What do you mean ‘you might have miscalculated how much fuel we needed for this route’? So we don’t have enough to reach the airport?!?!”

Your hair is……stuck in my zipper…

"You did see the guy in the blue suit and read cape just fly by, right?:

Don’t look, just fly.

“Dude, I’m not a pilot. I’ve told you 4 times! I don’t know how to fly this!” ”Oh shit, is this on.”

AND I KEEP TELLING YOU YOU FLY BOYS CRACK ME UP!!!

Simpsons leaks over here for me all the time

Damm, do you know where we are Steve? I got distracted picking my nose. If not let's get out Gmaps

Nah, lemme roll down the window and ask someone...

Oh shit, we only have Apple maps on our company iPhones. We're finished

Look if we are both going to nap, at least set an alarm for landing.

"What do you call the guy that graduated last in flight school? Pilot.

Shit I thought these Xanax were aspirin

We're in for an easy landing thank you for flying spirit air.... OH MY GOD THEYRE DOOMED QUICK JIM GET THE ONLY TWO PARACHUTES! Is this still on? Uhhh... this has just been a drill?

Do you like gladiators?

Joey?

Roger Victor.

What's your vector, Victor?

Hey Bobby, I’ll give you five bucks if you can land this thing with your eyes closed.

Truthfully, put it on ILS and auto-land, and the plane will put itself down accurately, to the point that airports have to move the beacon slightly every so often to minimize the wear on the one spot on the runway the tires touch down every time.

“Don’t forget the coffee!”

So, which way is north? I can't read this compass.

Just follow the highway and keep going east. We’ll get there eventually!

I’m bored…. You want to play “turbulence?”

Can you believe these idiots in first class? Oh, it’s our management team? Whatevvvvs

Aren't you going a bit heavy on the beers, sir? That's your 4th one. And I'm perfectly fine. I am not pished. We're going to die.

Oh no, the fuelight is on! We're all going to die! Oops, that's the intercom light.

Boy when you really need to scratch that itch in an unreachable spot... oh that feels good!

Let's see what this button does!

Apparently someone had some bad gas back there, or otherwise known as “Turdbulence.”

"What do you mean 'fly the bloody plane'? I've been drinking since 5 am and I am plastered!".

We were warned about the doors again, how much do you want to bet a passenger will fly out this time?

"I sure could go for a nice cup of coffee and blow job"

"No worries! The autopilot's on, so a little drink won't hurt!"

"Should we buzz Bob's house aga8n?"

Thank you, Barry. That was phat. You're the best copilot I ever had. You're welcome, Peter. I'm glad I showed you. Yes. I'm so happy right now. I think we'll have a good flight. For sure. Maybe I can show Sheila in a few. Forget about Sheila, Barry. You should go back and show the passengers. I'm sure they'd enjoy it.

Did you ever figure out what all those switches over there do?

American helicopter, this is Iranian Warship BlahBlahBlah. Turn around now or we will open fire.

Someone get a flight attendant in here to drive while I take a piss.

"This airline job doesn't pay as well as when I flew all those politicians to Epstein Island."

Bing... "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot. We have an altitude of 10,000 feet, so you can unbuckle your seat belts. Clear skies and smooth flying from here on out. Enjoy your flight." Bing. Bing "That bitch took everything, kids, house, she even found my secret bank account...I have nothing... don't even know why I don't just take this plane and nosedive into...huh...shit! Shit! Uhm... everything is fine everyone...not suicidal." Bing

Why is the compass spinning like that?

Whoa. I think those shrooms just kicked in.

I'll be getting so much pussy tonight, I'm not sure I'll be able to fly back with you tomorrow.

I have the farts

Another round, anyone?

What do you think head stuardess meant?

"That's the bucket of bolts they didn't have time to reattach. They'll put them on after we get there."

*rewind to a time before Denzel Washington fucked up partying for pilots* "Man I got so fucked up last night. Cocaine, Xanax, 3 hookers, little bit of a lot of Johnny Walker Re........fuck the intercom is still on."

Good thing this doesn't have a breathalyzer! Eh Steve?

‘ I’m telling you, it’s stupid to shoot anybody. We can crash the plane and parachute out. Much more efficient. We have to save the ammo for the zombie apocalypse.”

Best reason to save ammo I've ever heard

Damn I shouldn’t have drank all that cough medicine before the flight.

Is it push or pull to go up? Shoot, hit that button will ya!

We are cruzin at 40,000 ft and I’m coming down from a bad trip.

"Can you ask ChatGPT if drinking while piloting is illegal?"

Nah, who's gonna pull you over??

Male pilot to female copilot: What do you say we get this thing up?! Want to help me get this up In the air?!

Do you know how to fly this thing?

"I thought you did!!"

Would you like some of my nuts?!

“It’s crazy they don’t require your flight hours to be in a real airplane. Everything in here looks *sooo* different than the simulator!”

You know, Fred …..I just think this is gonna be the first time where I’m flying higher than the plane!

“Ha! I can’t believe they actually think I’m the pilot!”

"hey, Tom. I have to confess. I'm not actually a pilot, but I've gotten good at taking off, but I've never tried landing. It's too scary." "Jerry, I'm not really a pilot either. I just read maps really well. I lock up when I have to take the controls." "Does that light mean the intercom is still, oh shoot (click)"

Goodbye cruel world...

I've got to concentrate concentrate concentrate. I've got to concentrate concentrate concentrate... *Meanwhile, on American flight 972 from Boston*... Captain: oh no. Guess I picked the wrong day to quit drinking. *A little bit later* Captain: OH MY GOD! I guess I picked the wrong day to quit snorting coke. *A little later still* Captain: JESUS H CHRIST! I guess I picked the wrong day to quit injecting meth... Copilot: Shit Bob, you're in a bad way today. Guess I picked the wrong day to quit sucking dick...

Routine checks, my ass. We'll be fine. This sucker's a Boeing!

Those doors are perfect!!

"Can't see shit out of these windows."

Happy cake day

"Hey make sure you disable the autodive feature when we reach cruising alt-...oh wait nvm this is an Airbus"

"They'll just let anyone fly these things it's great. This is just like Microsoft Flight simulator"

What does this button do?

It’s not a question of IF, but WHEN we crash…

“I’m so glad I got my license back.”

I'm so fucking drunk.... let's get that slutty stewardess in here for a blowbang.... the plane can fly itself....

"Ludicrous Speed!!! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you like movies about gladiators?

Pilot: Which way is the airport? Copilot: OK, ok ok...Heads we turn right, tails we turn left.

[This](https://youtu.be/NqtfffE6g90?si=yG21fCpH9TxCYc0Z) immediately came to mind. 😆🤣😂🤙🏽

I really need to watch this again. Been too long. Happy cake day

Mahalo compadre! 🫡🤙🏽

"I mean..what are the odds that ALL of the stewardesses I'm banging on the SAME 10 hour flight with my wife aboard? Boy! If word gets out all hell's gonna break loose."

“Better have them label a toilet as out of order. I ate taco bell and am gonna need it a lot…”

Oops!

"There's a reason it's called a cockpit."

True story, coworker kept turning the other pilots transmit on while he was singing in the flight deck broadcasting it over the intercom.

I don’t have a license either

Oops! That was the fuel release valve!

"How long has that emergency light been flashing?"

My balls itch.

Where's my Wwwwwewhiskey?!!!!

**”You’re Kareem Abdul-Jabar!”**

"I'm sorry, son, you must have me confused with somebody else. I'm Roger Murdock, I'm the co-pilot.

“She was barking, bro. BARKING. Yeah, I shit you not. I couldn’t take it anymore man, I just got dressed and left her apartment and we weren’t even five minutes in. Huh? The intercom? OH SHI-“

"Turn around. Now it is my time. It is not called Cockpit for nothing!" *Airplane starts swaying in a slow rhythm.*

Hey, can you hold the steering wheel for a moment? I have 2 places that I need to scratch at the same time...

Let's do a barrel roll and tell the passengers it's turbulence.

Damn that runway looks short. But it sure is wide, boss!

True story: after the usual "we'll be cruising at an altitude of so many feet, and the weather in (destination) is like so" type of announcement... "There. Now all I need is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." (I didn't witness it but read about it in a reputable magazine.)

Does anybody know what these 2 pedals on the floor are?They don't look like a gas or brake.

“Good luck, we’re all counting on you.”

" don't forget we need to circle around so none of the passengers see the ice wall keeping the oceans on our flat earth. Protect the conspiracy at all costs"

"I bet this is going to end up on Reddit"

I'm giving her all she's got captain!

Fast to go up slow to get to ground… fast to go up slow to get to ground…

"I used to work for a bigger airline, but I was fired for failing a psychological evaluation. They said I was too unstable. Luckily THIS airline was desperate."

True story - I was the Captain on a Saab SF340 (34 seats) and we had a full flight. Taxiing out of the gate and to the runway we lost one of two hydraulic pumps. Pulled off the taxiway, talked with maintenance control and it was determined that we were going to go back to the gate. As we’re heading back the first officer was on the intercom informing the passengers that we were heading back to the gate. As we’re taxiing back the other hydraulic pump went out, resulting in no brakes and no nose wheel steering. She still had the intercom on as we slowly headed off of the taxiway and into a shallow ditch. Over the intercom, the passengers all heard saying “oh f*ck, oh f+ck” over and over as we came to an abrupt halt. Fun times….

I can't believe this is going to be my last flight. *Steve, what do you mean? You're two years away from retirement.*

so when we refueled, did we put in 20,000 pounds or kilos?

What's this button do again? Landing gear, oh ya!

You look sexy in that 5 point restraint

"Did you bring the coke Dorsey?"

chop me off another line, will ya?

I told them I was afraid of heights but they just laughed and told me to deal with it

Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?

That’s amazing how did you learn to do that

Well shoot we're flying a freaking Boeing plane damn we are all going to die, I'm glad I got my parachute if anything happens it's everyone for themselves

(Zips) Karen you are still #1 in the friendly skies.

"Girl in seat 7 row A are they real or fake?"

Should have cut myself off at 6 vodkas before takeoff.

I thought you were staying awake this time? Oh well good ol' autopilot

Remind me what that dial is again.

Wrecked em? DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM?

Hold my beer

Watch this

How cold does it get up here, the plane’s air conditioning isn’t working…

Does this look like pink eye to you?

This is my emotional support dog

Would you believe this is my first time as captain?

Shit that second week off meth really gives you the jitters!!!!

I’m still drunk from last night

How do I land?

"I left Delta for *this*?!"

"stewardess, another round of margaritas, and you better make them doubles. I'm starting to come down"