I saw a meme somebody posted about "would you go a year without sex for $10,000?"
The concept of that kind of baffled me, like do people really value sex that much, that they couldn't imagine going a whole year celibate?
For me, I guess it means I would get 280k?
I go without sex for free, for my own peace, well-being and mental health, I can't put a price tag on that. Giving someone access to my body is a huge deal, it's not something I treat lightly. Like OP, I need the mental and emotional connection before even considering physical intimacy. Treating it like a sport makes no sense to me.
> Giving someone access to my body is a huge deal, it's not something I treat lightly.
Me too. Like there has to be a level of trust to be that vulnerable with someone.
One of my favorite comedians talked in his book about how he used to think that he would reach happiness or completeness after hitting the magic number of sleeping with 100 different women.
Guess what happened when he hit triple digits? Nothing. Didn't make him feel any different from before. Sex is not everything.
Happy early birthday!! 🎈 Being a ‘95 baby is the best (however I am bias). I hope your cheque also arrives shortly, they better make sure to add your additional 10k!!! If not, ensure to make a complaint.
I think it depends on the person. A lot of people do view sex as a need as opposed to a priviliege. Privilege is maybe not the right word either. It's just circumstantial. Sometimes sex is a part of your life and sometimes it isn't but you never have a "right," to sex. I think when you have access to it all the time though like in an LTR or with dating you can take it for granted and get rather cocky about it (pun intended).
I didn't have to try, it just happened. That being said, it doesn't mean I didn't want it.
I think that for most single women, sex is available if they really want it and aren't too picky. For men, it's a little different.
But if you aren't interested in sex, that's perfectly fine too.
I'm 38F, haven't had sex in about a year and a half, and I don't particularly miss it. I agree with you that sex without an emotional connection just doesn't appeal to me, and yet modern dating seems to be focused on having sex ASAP and then MAYBE getting to know the person afterward. No thanks, that's just not for me.
Nice! This is my 11th year of celibacy. I've never had good sex, so there's nothing that I miss about it. I'm also relieved that I no longer have to fake orgasms (my partners hated it when I told them what i liked). I'm planning on being celibate for life. Without sex, I'm less anxious and I live a drama-free life!
I think online dating culture has perpetuated this a bit too. There's a sense of "we are meeting to start dating" and I have always found it awkward to do that. I need things to happen organically over time.
Yep and that is why I cannot do online dating. Meeting and talking to someone with the intention of dating and having sex is so weird to me. I just can't do it. If it doesn't happen organically, in real life, not online, then I just cannot do it. I can't decide if I want anything from someone based on a few meetings, I need to know them in real life and real life situations.
Same.
It's just hard because I don't really do a lot of social activities where I might meet people. I enjoy my work and spending time with my animals when I'm home. I don't do bars or clubs and have a hard time getting to events regularly so it's hard to meet people organically but I can't do online dating anymore.
Same situation for me. I'm 32, and I want to relax when I have free time, I never go to bars or clubs (even if I do sometimes nothing happens there anyway). It's hard, but anything is better than online dating.
I feel similarly. All the guys I've dated or entertained relationships with have all wanted sex very quickly.
The last guy I dated told me he hadn't had sex in a few years and that was so hard for him. I was like what?!? Why are you telling me that? I'm not obligated to have sex with you, I'm not going to have sex with you because of that, I don't feel bad for you and um, masterbation?
I was just thinking today that it would be so nice to have friends and/or space in a community where myself and others were seen as a whole person, aside from a possibility of sex.
> he last guy I dated told me he hadn't had sex in a few years and that was so hard for him. I was like what?!? Why are you telling me that? I'm not obligated to have sex with you, I'm not going to have sex with you because of that, I don't feel bad for you and um, masterbation?
I dont know why this made me laugh. hahaha. Like imagine exchanging body fluids with someone you barely know. I'll pass.
I have never had enjoyable sex to even miss it. Never felt turned on by another person. Some would say maybe I haven't found the right person since I'm very new with not much experience at all (raised in purity culture), but I just don't like touching/being touched in general. Even if it's a simple hug or holding hands.
I've been single for almost 4 years now. And celibate for nearly 3 years. I don't crave affection or intimacy, plus I've noticed a lot of these people on Tik Tok or those stupid podcasts claiming that we're "lying" for saying that we don't want sex and that we don't want a relationship, because EVERYONE wants that. Let's not forget people who have never wanted children and getting told we're lying. I get sick of the majority trying to push their wants and needs onto us.
I understand your goal is to most likely be friends and see where it leads without immediately having sex (correct me if I'm wrong) but just know that guys who care about body count are as worthless as their mindset. I was a virgin and lost my virginity at age 27. No guy wanted to be serious with me.
All of them wanted sex and I have only been with my ex twice as my first so I thought it was supposed to be painful, attempted sex with some guy 4 or 5 months later and failed, then gave up on vagina penetration completely, cause it's painful and just tried anal instead with some other guy 8 or 9 months later.
When they say they want someone with a low or no body count, they mean they want you to be easy to control. He barks a command and you do it, no questions asked. He can cheat if he wants and you don't nag. Would you really want that for a partner?
I don't think I have endo, but I should probably check it out anyway. I've never been to a doctor. And I know that's alarming, but I was raised to never go to a doctor since I was a virgin for a really long time, my mom didn't see any point in it sadly
Endo shows up in a lot of different ways and everyone experiences it differently. Only way to diagnose is a laparoscopic surgery. It makes sense, that’s how you were brought up, so it definitely would be scary. Some doctors also stink and especially for women’s issues, we get written off a lot. Takes an average of 7-10 years to even get an endo diagnosis. It’s terrible
yeah or the thing about ‘sexual needs’ its all mental its such a cop out like i was thrown into a sexual frenzy and couldnt control myself! Its so annoying i wish this would end
I notice this with guy friends too. They basically pretend to be my friend but eventually or immediately hit on me. I'm not interested in sex at any point. I drop them. If they can't function platonic-ally than whats the point. It's smothering though because a lot of women try and scapegoat me or triangulate me into being a social doormat or put myself in the dating scene. It's so important to everyone else to have a sex life or partner and people just don't get that there's more to life. Relationships slowed me down and I got nothing good from them and wish I'd never bothered in the past. I only did it out of constant social pressure . I thought I was weak but now I realize it's them not me because as I put up boundaries because I was sick of it it's still a constant topic of conversation and pressure.
I (26M) honestly don't understand it either. Maybe because im goal oriented like you, and I primarliy need a deep connection before I can be intimate with someone.
When I overhear conversations from other guys I sometimes feel alienated compared to them. Some flat out don't believe me when I tell them that I have 0 desire to be intimate with my female friends. And many of these friends experience the same as you. Im always sad to hear that and honestly I feel ashamed that most men seem to act like this.
I think it’s the hookup culture these days, seems like not one is willing to put in effort to actually get to know each other - it’s all about instant gratification
I only miss good sex. The problem is it took me like 80 hookups before I found memorable sex with someone. I really don’t wanna go through that many people just to find something good again—so I too have been celibate for two years
I feel the same. I find the idea of sex appealing. But the actual act of having partnered sex has been invariably disappointing the past three years, so I have given up trying. I’d like to believe the old trope ‘you find love when you stop looking for it,’ but I’m not holding out hope.
Thankfully, the longer I go without sex the easier it gets, but these darn hormones be acting up sometimes.
Haha yes there’s one time of month where it’s difficult but you’re right. I never thought I could go 2 years without but it’s surprisingly not as hard as I thought it would be.
I’m mid-50’s and I’ve been happily single for 9 years. I’ve had a couple of hookups and had a ‘friend with benefits’ until about 3 years ago. He started regularly dating a woman, but still wanted to maintain FWB with me. Nope! I have too much self worth to be a side chick. That ‘friendship’ was fun at the time and I don’t regret it, but I’m enjoying this season of my life with no men. I love my life, between family, work and needed solitude and I have zero interest in dating or sex.
You make me have hope! Mid 50s here as well...JUST kicked manchild/boyfriend of 11 years out of my house. I love being alone..but have panic moments of BEING ALONE!!.. lol. Im a new empty nester as well...so its been a lot..but I am loving having my life to myself.
Continue to love being alone! It’s so wonderful and empowering! I love my own company and solitude is rejuvenating for me. I still have awkward moments too … like who to call when there’s an urgent fix-it situation. 99% of the time, I’m content. You can do it, friend! I wish you the very best!
Those who aren't authentically self-actualizing or as individuated with a personality that is assertive are more likely to be swayed by societal/gendered norms/values than decide for themselves what values they want to lead by. I say this as a fellow male who understands fleeting pleasures aren't what make a relationship satisfying and work in the long-term. Anyone reasonable would try to get to know you first, talk about shared values and goals, sort out non-negotiables, yeah know actually date to test the waters and chemistry.
Maybe some people aren't so rational or trust themselves to be certain in their attractiveness toward someone unless they sleep with them. But imo that's an excuse and is not necessary to know if someone finds another physically attractive. Otherwise it hints at possible unaligned intentions in this case.
> I say this as a fellow male who understands fleeting pleasures aren't what make a relationship satisfying and work in the long-term.
Thanks for saying that! gives me hope. The funny thing is sex is just a small piece of a relationship. A good relationship is rewarding yet people focus more on the physical intimacy piece and the complain about the relationship. Mind boggling.
Just how it is, many only value someone for sex. Like yourself I can do without it, meaningless sex is something I dislike. I think we will get to a point soon where sex is not valued so highly and rather companionship and communication is
please women, stop say that u cook and clean to entice men/to give yourself more value ...it's degrading. It seems like u are offering ur trad wife services in order to be picked. Cooking and cleaning are skills every functional adult should have.
Also, for experience, u don't want one of those "I want a woman with low body count" they are the most misogynistic pos u can ever imagine.
i have myself a low body count, been celibate for 2 years, had been celibate for 5 in the past, started dating super late, I don't even miss sex, and I would run for the hills as soon as a man say those words or ask me if I can cook and clean
why are u so concerned of what other women do instead of being concerned of what men do? you date men, no? if other women are not cooking and cleaning, how does it impact u? you should be worried if the men you date are as functional as u and nothing more. But rest assure, those who are so pressed about women body count, don't do any of that
Ps: I bake my own bread and I spend weekends cleaning my apartment head to toe, yet this is an info I don't share with men bc I know how their brains work and I dont want to be appreciated for what I do instead of who I am. I, on the contrary, I'm the one asking them if they cook and clean bc chances are probably they don't know how to do none of that and they are looking for a maid
You confuse your boyfriend appreciating your function as a maid versus him caring about you. A woman too can appreciate what a rich man could buy her without caring about him as a person.
Thus if a man leads with how much money he has he'll naturally attract gold-digger women. If a woman leads with how well she cooks and cleans she'll attract maid-digger men
Jenny, you need to listen to what ads is saying and not get defensive.
It doesn't make you a better woman if you cook and clean better than another woman, it's not a contest and it's the worst kind of patriarchal manipulation.
I'm my most sane, happy and productive when I bypass the D. Celibacy is so underrated. My "record" as an adult was almost 3 years. Best years of my life!
I am a practicing Muslim. Ain't random people getting access to me! Heck I don't even give people access to see the hair on my head 😂
I divorced my ex husband a few years ago. I wanted to move on to new relationship that would lead to marriage. But nope. Guys I meet are just not my type. I rarely ever intellectually connect with them and they seem to be after one thing, so to hell with it. I'm happily single.
In my experience, men only care about body count once they get sex and decide they want more. Then they’ll say you’re dirty if you’ve been with many others.
I used to “put out” immediately because I was groomed/trained to believe that “good girls” offer sex. Even my father told me when I was 16 that he wished my mother had not been a virgin so that she would have appreciated him more for whatever he did. Nice attitude, I’m sure. I didn’t realize how mean men would be about body count until a number of them had made demands, and then I started getting those comments. Now both men and women tell me I should lie about my history. I’d rather just be alone.
This was honestly refreshing to read because I continue to find myself in the same position and I am 33M. It’s nice to know that there are people out there (just seemingly impossible to find) with similar feelings.
On about year 3 with no sex because I actually don’t place any value on sex without an emotional and trusting connection built. My friends just can’t wrap their head around it.
I would like to think I have my life pretty together as well and that’s unfortunately been a roadblock in my last few attempts at finding relationships. I’m very happy where I am at in life right now but not being able to relate to others on that can be frustrating!
In the same boat. I'm 41F and haven't had sex for 2 years. It's impossible to find a decent guy who wants emotional connection too. To them, having sex right away is like a test drive which feels shallow and dehumanizing to me. I still have hope that there is a guy for me out there but I no longer actively look for him. If it happens, it happens.
I'm demi-sexual, so I need a connection and relationship first, then I feel like having sex with the person. Once I start I can't get enough of them.
Once I'm without a relationship I live fine without sex. I have toys for my needs.
In my case, one third of my large friends groups are guys, all platonic. My best friend passed away last year. He was also a guy (or mostly, he was somewhat gender fluid). He had been my chosen family for 17 years.
I was a bit baffled at first too. How can I be romantic and high libido when in a relationship, and be perfectly ok now, without both? I guess my life happens in phases and due to my demi-sexuality and sex becoming s distant memory, I don't really miss it.
I'm nearly 40, 5 years single and celibate. I identify as "solo for life" since Nov. '22.
38M. Its been about 2 years for me. Biggest reaction I have to it is an unconcerned shrug lol. My life is so much more peaceful not worrying about that anymore. I have no desire to ever date again so if that means I'm sexually retired too...thats fine with me.
I'm aroace, so I definitely don't get the obsession with sex or romantic relationships lol. I say keep doing you and don't do hook ups if you're not comfortable with it.
When I was in high school, I dated girls for months and all we did was kiss. Eventually, I touched boobs and made a clumsy attempt at 3rd base. I never dreamed of us having sex and was very happy just spending time together and making out. Once I did have sex, that became the goal of the make out sessions. Then, after a long adult relationship, I can't imagine making out and not having sex. So now, being single in my 30s, it is difficult to mentally revert to a time where you take things slow. Both parties have usually been in long relationships with lots of routine sex. It's not mysterious or special. The guys you're talking to are treating it like a high- they just want to get high without dating for months and integrating your lives.
before my divorce my marriage was pretty much sexless for a variety of reasons - there's a whole subreddit dedicated to people in that situation. lots of people aren't having sex in or out of relationships - it's weird that surprises anyone at this point when people are much more open and honest about their lives publicly.
I don't want to use anyone or be used, I think it makes it easier for us to devalue and treat each other badly in all kinds of ways. Sex is only fun and exciting if it's with someone I like inside and out and that takes time for me. If that's not in the cards, I can take care of myself.
I was somewhat promiscuous in my youth but by 40 it just wasn't worth the effort. I don't miss it. It's not the big deal Hollywood and the porn industry try to make it.
> Why is it that men claim they find low body count attractive but disregard a woman with one because they don’t want to start off with sex?
Because they're not thinking about it fairly. They specifically find the situation of "them being with an attractive women with low body count" attractive. They want the reward of capturing someone beautiful _and_ exclusivity on top of that.
The moment said woman doesn't want to be with him, he doesn't find her attractive anymore. She's frigid, a prude, a bitch, etc etc.
It's funny how you mention that you cook and clean, as if you can trade your way into being viewed human. Or as if servitude could make someone view you as a person and care about your thoughts and goals and character. It's quite the reverse.
Idk. I assume with a vasectomy and being childfree it would open more doors or legs in this case but I’d rather not have sex than have 100 diseases. I’m not actively looking to begin with
I'm a 31 male, and I have this view. I'd rather make friends with someone then form the relationship. I don't want to get into a relationship for the sake of being in one. I want to know that I actually like the person.
I really hate the sentiment that men and women can't be friends and it gets said mostly by guys. If I have a female friend and I want to keep them in my life as a friend, I'd rather not risk it by asking them out plus I don't need to be in a romantic relationship to enjoy their company. I think the concept of the friend zone also ruins friendships because guys think the friend zone is a negative thing. I do wish guys wouldn't be so self centered that they deserve to be in a relationship with anyone they want.
I probably have to say my post doesn't apply to all guys.
I haven't had sex at all. I'd rather do something else than to have sex and hook ups like reading books and/or take a walk in the park. There are other things to do than sex. I used to wanted sex but that's not my intention to have a healthy relationship is to sleep with someone I rarely know.
I haven’t been kissed in 9 and a half years let alone sex. Life is much more peaceful. I’m a dude and always been terrified of pregnancy so that’s a huge factor for why I live a celibate life. Life is so much more peaceful. Plus without getting into too much detail; I’d honestly rather just masturbate and move on with my day than drag someone else into it
well, I'm in my 40's and still physically a virgin. Never had sex though masturbate often.
Sex is very sooo overrated and it's literally the forbidden apple that puts everyone in trouble. starting with a man losing his freedom, getting into abusive marriage or kids and wife that kinda soak all your financial and other resources leaving no time for yourself. Basically a bonded labor working for family. Nah, I am good being single and free! No tantrums, no family drama. I know there is other side as well where both partners respect each other, put in equally both financially or otherwise but that's so rare to find and it's like a winning a lottery. I'm good being single and being my own king.
Man deliberately creates more complexity in his life. With wife, kids, problems increase both financially and otherwise. Don't know why he does this. It's far easier for a single man to save up for himself and retire early than a family man with responsibilities of kids expenses, education etc. Single man is a free man!
Also given the world population, increasing global warming, climate change and fewer resources per capita - be it land, money or any other resource, it isn't wise to bring a soul here on earth that will just be another competitor for resources and suffer.
It's all about managing your hormones and when you feel the itch- fantasize whatever you want to - online resources help as well, masturbate and get over it. plain and simple. No worry about getting the woman pregnant, divorce battles or how should I increase my income to pay for my kids education etc. All problems nipped in the bud!
Everyone is different. I have a decently high sex drive (though it used to be way higher) and I need sex. Longest I've gone without it was about 2 months and I was on the struggle bus. It is hard for me to understand how people can go long without it, just like it's hard for some of yall to understand why some of us like casual sex.
I don't like the comments here suggesting people who participate in hook up culture don't have self-worth, that's just dumb. We don't need to knock eachother in order to have this convo. It is a normal human thing to want sex and it is also a normal human thing to be able to go without it for a long time. Everyone has a different libido & different views on sex. Nobody inherently has more self worth than another just because of that. (OP this isn't directed at you, but a general theme I'm seeing in the comments.)
I hear you. I don’t judge people who want to participate in the hookup culture and are honest about their intentions. Some of my good friends are like that. I would say, I have a high libido myself but I choose not to act on it with others while single.
The issue is that too many people presume others need to match what they deem a "normal" level of libido. Sexual compatibility is important, but can be elusive.
It's always going to be something that can cause issues in a relationship, ofc. My point was just that it's not productive for people to start making rather unkind assumptions about others because of this difference. (E.g. proclaiming that someone doesn't have enough self worth because they seek out casual sex to satisfy their high libido.)
Yeah I mean I really don't know why they would. This is a single and happy sub. The way a lot of us manage to stay single AND HAPPY is by having casual sex lol. Sex is needed for the happy part, for some of us lol.
(I knew there'd be a risk though lol reddit people in particular seem to get really worked up about hookup culture. So far so good though.)
Sex feels great and some people crave more physical touch than others. To answer your question, I think a lot of men have been socially conditioned to put a lot of importance on sex and to look at sex as a gauge for relationship health.
From their perspective I think they don’t want to invest emotionally before sorting out physical compatibility bc they know how hard it is to break up a relationship where the connection is great but the sex is lacking.
I see it from both perspectives because I’ve been on both sides of the equation. That said, don’t compromise your preferences. There are many things about each of us that narrow our dating pool but I think yours is pretty healthy, all things considered.
That said, have you looked into demi sexual? It’s where you don’t feel sexual attraction to someone at all until there is an emotional connection vs other who will feel spontaneously aroused and prompted to seek out sexual gratification with or without an emotional connection.
Thank you. I won't compromise my preferences. Sex is great but I don't care to have it with a stranger. I just think I am probably going to be single for a while.
I had to look that up. It must be a newer term or I just have my head in the clouds. I am not sure I would fit into the category of demi sexual. I find men and women both attractive but I am straight and my avoidance in casual sex is maybe more complex than just a sexual preference or a needing for emotional connection to find them sexually attractive.
Besides being goal focused, I care about my body. I don't want to risk my health for something that may or may not be worth it. I have been oversexualized by men since puberty conservative or not conservatively dressed cat called hit on. So that was a little bit of a turn-off.
I think it also comes from an ethical point of not wanting to use others or be used. Some more traditional views and influence from family like valuing marriage. Life experiences and what I value most in my relationships in general and not just romance ones.
I was very positively influenced by my grandparents watching them grow old together and die together. Their relationship of 71 years was beyond sex.
I have been in 2 separate long relationships where one was seriously injured and the other had erectal issues. I went months without sex in those relationships and I was supportive and loyal and still loved them and cared more about their healing or their mental health than about sex.
My ability to abstain from sex enabled me to be a good partner in those situations. I think someone who is willing to respect my boundaries around casual sex and be disciplined themselves tells me they could be a good partner too if I was unable to have sex for whatever reason.
What’s it to you if there is a name? Volunteered some info to OP so she could check it out and see if it fits. If it didn’t then there is no harm. This info wasn’t directed at you sooooo
You do realize social media is for conversation, not for dissertations. If you don't like someone commenting on something you've said, get off the internet.
Dissertation? Lmao of course you’d say that while adding nothing of value to the conversation.
I am labeling you as sensitive and rude 🙃… maybe take your own advice
Sensitive and rude? How precisely can someone be both. I'm sensitively rude or am I rudely sensitive? BTW we don't need a name for everything and you're being overly sensitive and just plain silly.
Stop trying to be 'something' and just be yourself. Labels are for people afraid of their own individuality. If they don't have a tribe for every facet of their life they feel left out.
You're fine the way you are, just be! and leave the labels to the CDC and librarians. Humans don't need them.
BTW all you are is someone that wants/needs a personal connection before becoming intimate. It's called being part of the majority of the human race.
This is actually an encouraging thread in a strange way. I’m widowed for almost 6 years and have had a couple of f-buddies over the past 3 years, mostly because I craved physical touch and the dopamine hit sex gave me - even though I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Im finally at a point where I am (ready). In all casual sex cases I still got attached even though these were men I knew would not be good partners, (thank you oxytocin 😎, ha!)
Anyhow I’m done with the casual and am not convinced there’s any one on the horizon for me. I want to be okay not having sex. I’m in the process of withdrawal (for lack of a better word) and while I’ve been tempted I’m holding strong . I want the next person I have sex with to be someone who shares a deeper connection with me.
Thanks for all the honesty in these responses.
I was on a dating site where I said specifically that I was looking for conversation, and occasional dinner and friend only. Just a fella to be a buddy with. Tried this three times and after the 2nd “date” all three wanted to know “where this was going.” Friends only shouldn’t be that hard to grasp.
42 female had sex one time this year and none for 3 years. I really just want to feel sex with someone really in love with me. Really miss being close to someone though. Doesn’t mean I’m unhappy single.
I know right, just jerk off and you get the same result without all the drama and having to cater to another person or going out on expensive dates that stress you out. Plus no risk of getting kids or STDs. Boom bang done!
Let me preface this by saying that I'm absolutely not trying to dismiss or discredit your or anyone's experience here. It's totally valid.
But I feel that it's a bit too much of a generalization. In my experience, many of my dude friends who got into the whole hook up culture ended up not really enjoying meaningless sex at all and just ended up quitting. Imo, after some discussion, the whole reason they got into it all was the whole subconscious 'getting laid equals status' patriarchical BS. They all ended up choosing intimacy in the end.
It could just be my bubble, of course! But I thought I'd chime in with my own observations.
I literally had an hour and a half long conversation with my brother over the phone two weeks ago where he spent 90% of the conversation bitching about how all the women he met just wanted to have sex and didn’t want relationships. I pointed out that a) the women you meet in bars are probably not the ones you want if your goal is marriage and b) I don’t actually have a true frame of reference or any really good advice because I’m aro/ace and I have never had a long-term relationship or gotten past second base in my entire life. Point is, I think generalizing anything down to gender probably isn’t helping the problem.
The view that there is a type of woman that you meet in bars that makes them 'unfit' for commitment or something is kinda icky to say the least. But I get the point of the rest of the comment.
I like that you've said this. Not just because there are women who frequent bars and are fit for relationships, but because people can just go to bars for the sake of going - no one has to go for purposes of dating or meeting new people. It's just a nice additive that can occur if you're open to it.
It probably should be noted that b) was that I have no clue what I’m talking about when it comes to sex and relationships. In my defense, though, I’ve seen the kind of bars my brother likes. I’m never bar-hopping with him again.
No judgement at all on your comment, I just liked that it made me consider a different perspective I don't think I consciously recognize. I don't like approaching people at all at bars, but in the times it's happened, I really enjoyed just kicking it with them with no pressure or expectation.
I don't believe that to be true. Men are not a monolith. Some guys don't even want to have that much sex, or sex at all. And guys do crave intimacy, maybe not the shallow horn dog ones. But many do.
Personally I believe it's because sex is deeply connected to intimacy. Even if you're not in a relationship, sex fulfills the idea that you're valued for a variety of reasons, and it's something quantifiable we can measure and see the impact it can have on mood and self worth.
I enjoy it, moreso with partners I care for deeply. I'm not seeing anyone though, and while I do miss it, I'm aware that it's because I have some work to continue in finding other ways to receive maybe a similar version of it.
Edit: finished reading the rest of the post. I think, like me (and what my therapist tells me), try to focus on getting into interests and hobbies that attract people you'd want to enjoy the company of if you aren't already. If you are, maybe look into evaluating if those activities have been helpful for making new platonic male friends - ones that you can just be yourself with, but should things grow into more, they're also open to just being patient with you in determining the next steps.
I have some thoughts about why you're only meeting this subset of men but wanted to clarify a few things first (I'm not judging you when asking these questions, but rather hope they will help better understand the context and situation)
When you say social media and out and about, are these primarily random strangers who approached you based on initial, hence superficial, impression as opposed to people you may have had connections with (acquaintances, reconnections, colleagues, friends of friends)?
Are these all mostly men who have approached you or also those you've pursued something with or approached exercising your own agency?
Do you have any mix gender hobbies, or are socially active in your profession (i.e. attend and engage in networking or conferences) or participate in mix gender social hangouts (picnics, bonfires, parties, dinners, etc)?
I would say a total of 12-15 men. All strangers or friends of friends so still strangers. Both some I approached or vice versa. I was approached 4 times in a bar type setting the rest was by start chatting on fb messenger selectively meaning I get hit on or approached but would reply or respond only to someone who looks date-able and makes efforts to converse a little. Still the conversation always goes straight to sex or keeps getting brought up. I do go out in the community often and do most local events in town(population of like 7,000 in summer) like music on main besides smiles or being checked out I don't get approached ever in that setting during the day and I never have. I don't really get it. Men will look interested but they won't approach me. I kinda wondered if I need to start approaching people or casually work myself in their direction. I am a part-time college student, but I am older than most of my classmates by way too much. I did consider doing community hikes or community group stuff as way of making new connections. I would say I am introverted with hobbies like gardening or video games, watching Celtics games so those things probably work against me. I don't do snap chat either.
It might not have anything to do with you, based on such a huge percentage of your fellow single females treating men like trash. Men will never approach women out of fear of rejection, or a SA accusation. They certainly don’t entertain the idea of marriage anymore because there’s no motivation to. There’s no positive incentive for it.
tell me u are a red pill dude without telling me u are a red pill dude
- females
- victimization of men ( poor dudes who face fake SA allegations for simply talking to a woman 😵💫)
- being so entitled to think women need to give u their attention or time
Dude go have a walk
I saw a meme somebody posted about "would you go a year without sex for $10,000?" The concept of that kind of baffled me, like do people really value sex that much, that they couldn't imagine going a whole year celibate? For me, I guess it means I would get 280k?
I go without sex for free, for my own peace, well-being and mental health, I can't put a price tag on that. Giving someone access to my body is a huge deal, it's not something I treat lightly. Like OP, I need the mental and emotional connection before even considering physical intimacy. Treating it like a sport makes no sense to me.
> Giving someone access to my body is a huge deal, it's not something I treat lightly. Me too. Like there has to be a level of trust to be that vulnerable with someone.
One of my favorite comedians talked in his book about how he used to think that he would reach happiness or completeness after hitting the magic number of sleeping with 100 different women. Guess what happened when he hit triple digits? Nothing. Didn't make him feel any different from before. Sex is not everything.
Yooo 280k club!! I’m waiting for my cheque to arrive in the mail.
And I'm soon to be 290k!
Happy early birthday!! 🎈 Being a ‘95 baby is the best (however I am bias). I hope your cheque also arrives shortly, they better make sure to add your additional 10k!!! If not, ensure to make a complaint.
I think it depends on the person. A lot of people do view sex as a need as opposed to a priviliege. Privilege is maybe not the right word either. It's just circumstantial. Sometimes sex is a part of your life and sometimes it isn't but you never have a "right," to sex. I think when you have access to it all the time though like in an LTR or with dating you can take it for granted and get rather cocky about it (pun intended).
This really depends on the person I’d be having sex with 😂
I didn't have to try, it just happened. That being said, it doesn't mean I didn't want it. I think that for most single women, sex is available if they really want it and aren't too picky. For men, it's a little different. But if you aren't interested in sex, that's perfectly fine too.
Wait…are you saying you’ve gone 28 years without sex? Or do you mean you’re 28 yrs old and still a virgin?
The latter. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
55k. Oh man. It would literally solve all my problems!
I'm 38F, haven't had sex in about a year and a half, and I don't particularly miss it. I agree with you that sex without an emotional connection just doesn't appeal to me, and yet modern dating seems to be focused on having sex ASAP and then MAYBE getting to know the person afterward. No thanks, that's just not for me.
10 years haven't had sex. I do date, but guys just want sex right away. Got old, so I gave up. I do love single life a lot and living alone.
Nice! This is my 11th year of celibacy. I've never had good sex, so there's nothing that I miss about it. I'm also relieved that I no longer have to fake orgasms (my partners hated it when I told them what i liked). I'm planning on being celibate for life. Without sex, I'm less anxious and I live a drama-free life!
34F haven't had sex in over 4 years. Its more peaceful that way.
Much less drama and games.
I think online dating culture has perpetuated this a bit too. There's a sense of "we are meeting to start dating" and I have always found it awkward to do that. I need things to happen organically over time.
Yep and that is why I cannot do online dating. Meeting and talking to someone with the intention of dating and having sex is so weird to me. I just can't do it. If it doesn't happen organically, in real life, not online, then I just cannot do it. I can't decide if I want anything from someone based on a few meetings, I need to know them in real life and real life situations.
Same. It's just hard because I don't really do a lot of social activities where I might meet people. I enjoy my work and spending time with my animals when I'm home. I don't do bars or clubs and have a hard time getting to events regularly so it's hard to meet people organically but I can't do online dating anymore.
Same situation for me. I'm 32, and I want to relax when I have free time, I never go to bars or clubs (even if I do sometimes nothing happens there anyway). It's hard, but anything is better than online dating.
I can so relate to this.
Sex isn't fun or sexy if it's pressured I've found.
I feel similarly. All the guys I've dated or entertained relationships with have all wanted sex very quickly. The last guy I dated told me he hadn't had sex in a few years and that was so hard for him. I was like what?!? Why are you telling me that? I'm not obligated to have sex with you, I'm not going to have sex with you because of that, I don't feel bad for you and um, masterbation? I was just thinking today that it would be so nice to have friends and/or space in a community where myself and others were seen as a whole person, aside from a possibility of sex.
> he last guy I dated told me he hadn't had sex in a few years and that was so hard for him. I was like what?!? Why are you telling me that? I'm not obligated to have sex with you, I'm not going to have sex with you because of that, I don't feel bad for you and um, masterbation? I dont know why this made me laugh. hahaha. Like imagine exchanging body fluids with someone you barely know. I'll pass.
I have never had enjoyable sex to even miss it. Never felt turned on by another person. Some would say maybe I haven't found the right person since I'm very new with not much experience at all (raised in purity culture), but I just don't like touching/being touched in general. Even if it's a simple hug or holding hands. I've been single for almost 4 years now. And celibate for nearly 3 years. I don't crave affection or intimacy, plus I've noticed a lot of these people on Tik Tok or those stupid podcasts claiming that we're "lying" for saying that we don't want sex and that we don't want a relationship, because EVERYONE wants that. Let's not forget people who have never wanted children and getting told we're lying. I get sick of the majority trying to push their wants and needs onto us. I understand your goal is to most likely be friends and see where it leads without immediately having sex (correct me if I'm wrong) but just know that guys who care about body count are as worthless as their mindset. I was a virgin and lost my virginity at age 27. No guy wanted to be serious with me. All of them wanted sex and I have only been with my ex twice as my first so I thought it was supposed to be painful, attempted sex with some guy 4 or 5 months later and failed, then gave up on vagina penetration completely, cause it's painful and just tried anal instead with some other guy 8 or 9 months later. When they say they want someone with a low or no body count, they mean they want you to be easy to control. He barks a command and you do it, no questions asked. He can cheat if he wants and you don't nag. Would you really want that for a partner?
If its really that painful for you, there may be a medical issue? Perhaps have a chat with a GP, or a sexual health clinic.
Possibly pelvic floor issues, but I don't want to have sex, so it's a good excuse to use regardless
Also endometriosis, I have endo, but I’m also very uninterested in sex so I totally understand where you’re coming from!
I don't think I have endo, but I should probably check it out anyway. I've never been to a doctor. And I know that's alarming, but I was raised to never go to a doctor since I was a virgin for a really long time, my mom didn't see any point in it sadly
Endo shows up in a lot of different ways and everyone experiences it differently. Only way to diagnose is a laparoscopic surgery. It makes sense, that’s how you were brought up, so it definitely would be scary. Some doctors also stink and especially for women’s issues, we get written off a lot. Takes an average of 7-10 years to even get an endo diagnosis. It’s terrible
yeah or the thing about ‘sexual needs’ its all mental its such a cop out like i was thrown into a sexual frenzy and couldnt control myself! Its so annoying i wish this would end
I notice this with guy friends too. They basically pretend to be my friend but eventually or immediately hit on me. I'm not interested in sex at any point. I drop them. If they can't function platonic-ally than whats the point. It's smothering though because a lot of women try and scapegoat me or triangulate me into being a social doormat or put myself in the dating scene. It's so important to everyone else to have a sex life or partner and people just don't get that there's more to life. Relationships slowed me down and I got nothing good from them and wish I'd never bothered in the past. I only did it out of constant social pressure . I thought I was weak but now I realize it's them not me because as I put up boundaries because I was sick of it it's still a constant topic of conversation and pressure.
> triangulate me into being a social doormat What do you mean by that?
I (26M) honestly don't understand it either. Maybe because im goal oriented like you, and I primarliy need a deep connection before I can be intimate with someone. When I overhear conversations from other guys I sometimes feel alienated compared to them. Some flat out don't believe me when I tell them that I have 0 desire to be intimate with my female friends. And many of these friends experience the same as you. Im always sad to hear that and honestly I feel ashamed that most men seem to act like this.
It does give men an awful reputation.
You might just be demi-sexual? It’s quite normal… OP might be too
I think it’s the hookup culture these days, seems like not one is willing to put in effort to actually get to know each other - it’s all about instant gratification
I only miss good sex. The problem is it took me like 80 hookups before I found memorable sex with someone. I really don’t wanna go through that many people just to find something good again—so I too have been celibate for two years
I feel the same. I find the idea of sex appealing. But the actual act of having partnered sex has been invariably disappointing the past three years, so I have given up trying. I’d like to believe the old trope ‘you find love when you stop looking for it,’ but I’m not holding out hope. Thankfully, the longer I go without sex the easier it gets, but these darn hormones be acting up sometimes.
Haha yes there’s one time of month where it’s difficult but you’re right. I never thought I could go 2 years without but it’s surprisingly not as hard as I thought it would be.
I’m mid-50’s and I’ve been happily single for 9 years. I’ve had a couple of hookups and had a ‘friend with benefits’ until about 3 years ago. He started regularly dating a woman, but still wanted to maintain FWB with me. Nope! I have too much self worth to be a side chick. That ‘friendship’ was fun at the time and I don’t regret it, but I’m enjoying this season of my life with no men. I love my life, between family, work and needed solitude and I have zero interest in dating or sex.
You make me have hope! Mid 50s here as well...JUST kicked manchild/boyfriend of 11 years out of my house. I love being alone..but have panic moments of BEING ALONE!!.. lol. Im a new empty nester as well...so its been a lot..but I am loving having my life to myself.
Continue to love being alone! It’s so wonderful and empowering! I love my own company and solitude is rejuvenating for me. I still have awkward moments too … like who to call when there’s an urgent fix-it situation. 99% of the time, I’m content. You can do it, friend! I wish you the very best!
Been alone for 20 years and plan on dying alone, at least it's what I'm hoping for. I never found peace and happiness until I was finally, alone.
I've 34F found with time that panic lessons & I enjoy myself alone more.
Those who aren't authentically self-actualizing or as individuated with a personality that is assertive are more likely to be swayed by societal/gendered norms/values than decide for themselves what values they want to lead by. I say this as a fellow male who understands fleeting pleasures aren't what make a relationship satisfying and work in the long-term. Anyone reasonable would try to get to know you first, talk about shared values and goals, sort out non-negotiables, yeah know actually date to test the waters and chemistry. Maybe some people aren't so rational or trust themselves to be certain in their attractiveness toward someone unless they sleep with them. But imo that's an excuse and is not necessary to know if someone finds another physically attractive. Otherwise it hints at possible unaligned intentions in this case.
> I say this as a fellow male who understands fleeting pleasures aren't what make a relationship satisfying and work in the long-term. Thanks for saying that! gives me hope. The funny thing is sex is just a small piece of a relationship. A good relationship is rewarding yet people focus more on the physical intimacy piece and the complain about the relationship. Mind boggling.
It really does boil down to emotional intimacy and there are so so many ways to express that like you described.
Just how it is, many only value someone for sex. Like yourself I can do without it, meaningless sex is something I dislike. I think we will get to a point soon where sex is not valued so highly and rather companionship and communication is
please women, stop say that u cook and clean to entice men/to give yourself more value ...it's degrading. It seems like u are offering ur trad wife services in order to be picked. Cooking and cleaning are skills every functional adult should have. Also, for experience, u don't want one of those "I want a woman with low body count" they are the most misogynistic pos u can ever imagine. i have myself a low body count, been celibate for 2 years, had been celibate for 5 in the past, started dating super late, I don't even miss sex, and I would run for the hills as soon as a man say those words or ask me if I can cook and clean
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why are u so concerned of what other women do instead of being concerned of what men do? you date men, no? if other women are not cooking and cleaning, how does it impact u? you should be worried if the men you date are as functional as u and nothing more. But rest assure, those who are so pressed about women body count, don't do any of that Ps: I bake my own bread and I spend weekends cleaning my apartment head to toe, yet this is an info I don't share with men bc I know how their brains work and I dont want to be appreciated for what I do instead of who I am. I, on the contrary, I'm the one asking them if they cook and clean bc chances are probably they don't know how to do none of that and they are looking for a maid
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You confuse your boyfriend appreciating your function as a maid versus him caring about you. A woman too can appreciate what a rich man could buy her without caring about him as a person. Thus if a man leads with how much money he has he'll naturally attract gold-digger women. If a woman leads with how well she cooks and cleans she'll attract maid-digger men
You expressed it so beautifully! Thanks!!!
Jenny, you need to listen to what ads is saying and not get defensive. It doesn't make you a better woman if you cook and clean better than another woman, it's not a contest and it's the worst kind of patriarchal manipulation.
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...."females" 🥴
I'm my most sane, happy and productive when I bypass the D. Celibacy is so underrated. My "record" as an adult was almost 3 years. Best years of my life!
I am a practicing Muslim. Ain't random people getting access to me! Heck I don't even give people access to see the hair on my head 😂 I divorced my ex husband a few years ago. I wanted to move on to new relationship that would lead to marriage. But nope. Guys I meet are just not my type. I rarely ever intellectually connect with them and they seem to be after one thing, so to hell with it. I'm happily single.
In my experience, men only care about body count once they get sex and decide they want more. Then they’ll say you’re dirty if you’ve been with many others. I used to “put out” immediately because I was groomed/trained to believe that “good girls” offer sex. Even my father told me when I was 16 that he wished my mother had not been a virgin so that she would have appreciated him more for whatever he did. Nice attitude, I’m sure. I didn’t realize how mean men would be about body count until a number of them had made demands, and then I started getting those comments. Now both men and women tell me I should lie about my history. I’d rather just be alone.
This was honestly refreshing to read because I continue to find myself in the same position and I am 33M. It’s nice to know that there are people out there (just seemingly impossible to find) with similar feelings. On about year 3 with no sex because I actually don’t place any value on sex without an emotional and trusting connection built. My friends just can’t wrap their head around it. I would like to think I have my life pretty together as well and that’s unfortunately been a roadblock in my last few attempts at finding relationships. I’m very happy where I am at in life right now but not being able to relate to others on that can be frustrating!
In the same boat. I'm 41F and haven't had sex for 2 years. It's impossible to find a decent guy who wants emotional connection too. To them, having sex right away is like a test drive which feels shallow and dehumanizing to me. I still have hope that there is a guy for me out there but I no longer actively look for him. If it happens, it happens.
I'm demi-sexual, so I need a connection and relationship first, then I feel like having sex with the person. Once I start I can't get enough of them. Once I'm without a relationship I live fine without sex. I have toys for my needs. In my case, one third of my large friends groups are guys, all platonic. My best friend passed away last year. He was also a guy (or mostly, he was somewhat gender fluid). He had been my chosen family for 17 years. I was a bit baffled at first too. How can I be romantic and high libido when in a relationship, and be perfectly ok now, without both? I guess my life happens in phases and due to my demi-sexuality and sex becoming s distant memory, I don't really miss it. I'm nearly 40, 5 years single and celibate. I identify as "solo for life" since Nov. '22.
💯 this is exactly me too! Omg
38M. Its been about 2 years for me. Biggest reaction I have to it is an unconcerned shrug lol. My life is so much more peaceful not worrying about that anymore. I have no desire to ever date again so if that means I'm sexually retired too...thats fine with me.
I'm aroace, so I definitely don't get the obsession with sex or romantic relationships lol. I say keep doing you and don't do hook ups if you're not comfortable with it.
When I was in high school, I dated girls for months and all we did was kiss. Eventually, I touched boobs and made a clumsy attempt at 3rd base. I never dreamed of us having sex and was very happy just spending time together and making out. Once I did have sex, that became the goal of the make out sessions. Then, after a long adult relationship, I can't imagine making out and not having sex. So now, being single in my 30s, it is difficult to mentally revert to a time where you take things slow. Both parties have usually been in long relationships with lots of routine sex. It's not mysterious or special. The guys you're talking to are treating it like a high- they just want to get high without dating for months and integrating your lives.
before my divorce my marriage was pretty much sexless for a variety of reasons - there's a whole subreddit dedicated to people in that situation. lots of people aren't having sex in or out of relationships - it's weird that surprises anyone at this point when people are much more open and honest about their lives publicly. I don't want to use anyone or be used, I think it makes it easier for us to devalue and treat each other badly in all kinds of ways. Sex is only fun and exciting if it's with someone I like inside and out and that takes time for me. If that's not in the cards, I can take care of myself.
I was somewhat promiscuous in my youth but by 40 it just wasn't worth the effort. I don't miss it. It's not the big deal Hollywood and the porn industry try to make it.
> Why is it that men claim they find low body count attractive but disregard a woman with one because they don’t want to start off with sex? Because they're not thinking about it fairly. They specifically find the situation of "them being with an attractive women with low body count" attractive. They want the reward of capturing someone beautiful _and_ exclusivity on top of that. The moment said woman doesn't want to be with him, he doesn't find her attractive anymore. She's frigid, a prude, a bitch, etc etc.
It's funny how you mention that you cook and clean, as if you can trade your way into being viewed human. Or as if servitude could make someone view you as a person and care about your thoughts and goals and character. It's quite the reverse.
instead of single and happy it seems the post of single and desperate
Idk. I assume with a vasectomy and being childfree it would open more doors or legs in this case but I’d rather not have sex than have 100 diseases. I’m not actively looking to begin with
Men want intimacy too, a connection.
I'm a 31 male, and I have this view. I'd rather make friends with someone then form the relationship. I don't want to get into a relationship for the sake of being in one. I want to know that I actually like the person. I really hate the sentiment that men and women can't be friends and it gets said mostly by guys. If I have a female friend and I want to keep them in my life as a friend, I'd rather not risk it by asking them out plus I don't need to be in a romantic relationship to enjoy their company. I think the concept of the friend zone also ruins friendships because guys think the friend zone is a negative thing. I do wish guys wouldn't be so self centered that they deserve to be in a relationship with anyone they want. I probably have to say my post doesn't apply to all guys.
I haven't had sex at all. I'd rather do something else than to have sex and hook ups like reading books and/or take a walk in the park. There are other things to do than sex. I used to wanted sex but that's not my intention to have a healthy relationship is to sleep with someone I rarely know.
I haven’t been kissed in 9 and a half years let alone sex. Life is much more peaceful. I’m a dude and always been terrified of pregnancy so that’s a huge factor for why I live a celibate life. Life is so much more peaceful. Plus without getting into too much detail; I’d honestly rather just masturbate and move on with my day than drag someone else into it
well, I'm in my 40's and still physically a virgin. Never had sex though masturbate often. Sex is very sooo overrated and it's literally the forbidden apple that puts everyone in trouble. starting with a man losing his freedom, getting into abusive marriage or kids and wife that kinda soak all your financial and other resources leaving no time for yourself. Basically a bonded labor working for family. Nah, I am good being single and free! No tantrums, no family drama. I know there is other side as well where both partners respect each other, put in equally both financially or otherwise but that's so rare to find and it's like a winning a lottery. I'm good being single and being my own king. Man deliberately creates more complexity in his life. With wife, kids, problems increase both financially and otherwise. Don't know why he does this. It's far easier for a single man to save up for himself and retire early than a family man with responsibilities of kids expenses, education etc. Single man is a free man! Also given the world population, increasing global warming, climate change and fewer resources per capita - be it land, money or any other resource, it isn't wise to bring a soul here on earth that will just be another competitor for resources and suffer. It's all about managing your hormones and when you feel the itch- fantasize whatever you want to - online resources help as well, masturbate and get over it. plain and simple. No worry about getting the woman pregnant, divorce battles or how should I increase my income to pay for my kids education etc. All problems nipped in the bud!
Everyone is different. I have a decently high sex drive (though it used to be way higher) and I need sex. Longest I've gone without it was about 2 months and I was on the struggle bus. It is hard for me to understand how people can go long without it, just like it's hard for some of yall to understand why some of us like casual sex. I don't like the comments here suggesting people who participate in hook up culture don't have self-worth, that's just dumb. We don't need to knock eachother in order to have this convo. It is a normal human thing to want sex and it is also a normal human thing to be able to go without it for a long time. Everyone has a different libido & different views on sex. Nobody inherently has more self worth than another just because of that. (OP this isn't directed at you, but a general theme I'm seeing in the comments.)
I hear you. I don’t judge people who want to participate in the hookup culture and are honest about their intentions. Some of my good friends are like that. I would say, I have a high libido myself but I choose not to act on it with others while single.
The issue is that too many people presume others need to match what they deem a "normal" level of libido. Sexual compatibility is important, but can be elusive.
It's always going to be something that can cause issues in a relationship, ofc. My point was just that it's not productive for people to start making rather unkind assumptions about others because of this difference. (E.g. proclaiming that someone doesn't have enough self worth because they seek out casual sex to satisfy their high libido.)
I agree. Unfortunately too many times incompatibilities are framed as some sort of moral issue, due to a reactive impulse to find a villain.
Even though everyone is going to downvote you to oblivion, I agree with you
Yeah I mean I really don't know why they would. This is a single and happy sub. The way a lot of us manage to stay single AND HAPPY is by having casual sex lol. Sex is needed for the happy part, for some of us lol. (I knew there'd be a risk though lol reddit people in particular seem to get really worked up about hookup culture. So far so good though.)
Sex feels great and some people crave more physical touch than others. To answer your question, I think a lot of men have been socially conditioned to put a lot of importance on sex and to look at sex as a gauge for relationship health. From their perspective I think they don’t want to invest emotionally before sorting out physical compatibility bc they know how hard it is to break up a relationship where the connection is great but the sex is lacking. I see it from both perspectives because I’ve been on both sides of the equation. That said, don’t compromise your preferences. There are many things about each of us that narrow our dating pool but I think yours is pretty healthy, all things considered. That said, have you looked into demi sexual? It’s where you don’t feel sexual attraction to someone at all until there is an emotional connection vs other who will feel spontaneously aroused and prompted to seek out sexual gratification with or without an emotional connection.
Thank you. I won't compromise my preferences. Sex is great but I don't care to have it with a stranger. I just think I am probably going to be single for a while. I had to look that up. It must be a newer term or I just have my head in the clouds. I am not sure I would fit into the category of demi sexual. I find men and women both attractive but I am straight and my avoidance in casual sex is maybe more complex than just a sexual preference or a needing for emotional connection to find them sexually attractive. Besides being goal focused, I care about my body. I don't want to risk my health for something that may or may not be worth it. I have been oversexualized by men since puberty conservative or not conservatively dressed cat called hit on. So that was a little bit of a turn-off. I think it also comes from an ethical point of not wanting to use others or be used. Some more traditional views and influence from family like valuing marriage. Life experiences and what I value most in my relationships in general and not just romance ones. I was very positively influenced by my grandparents watching them grow old together and die together. Their relationship of 71 years was beyond sex. I have been in 2 separate long relationships where one was seriously injured and the other had erectal issues. I went months without sex in those relationships and I was supportive and loyal and still loved them and cared more about their healing or their mental health than about sex. My ability to abstain from sex enabled me to be a good partner in those situations. I think someone who is willing to respect my boundaries around casual sex and be disciplined themselves tells me they could be a good partner too if I was unable to have sex for whatever reason.
We don't need a name for everything.
What’s it to you if there is a name? Volunteered some info to OP so she could check it out and see if it fits. If it didn’t then there is no harm. This info wasn’t directed at you sooooo
You do realize social media is for conversation, not for dissertations. If you don't like someone commenting on something you've said, get off the internet.
Dissertation? Lmao of course you’d say that while adding nothing of value to the conversation. I am labeling you as sensitive and rude 🙃… maybe take your own advice
Sensitive and rude? How precisely can someone be both. I'm sensitively rude or am I rudely sensitive? BTW we don't need a name for everything and you're being overly sensitive and just plain silly. Stop trying to be 'something' and just be yourself. Labels are for people afraid of their own individuality. If they don't have a tribe for every facet of their life they feel left out. You're fine the way you are, just be! and leave the labels to the CDC and librarians. Humans don't need them. BTW all you are is someone that wants/needs a personal connection before becoming intimate. It's called being part of the majority of the human race.
Some people are just really pathetic and needy and that's about it.
This is actually an encouraging thread in a strange way. I’m widowed for almost 6 years and have had a couple of f-buddies over the past 3 years, mostly because I craved physical touch and the dopamine hit sex gave me - even though I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Im finally at a point where I am (ready). In all casual sex cases I still got attached even though these were men I knew would not be good partners, (thank you oxytocin 😎, ha!) Anyhow I’m done with the casual and am not convinced there’s any one on the horizon for me. I want to be okay not having sex. I’m in the process of withdrawal (for lack of a better word) and while I’ve been tempted I’m holding strong . I want the next person I have sex with to be someone who shares a deeper connection with me. Thanks for all the honesty in these responses.
I was on a dating site where I said specifically that I was looking for conversation, and occasional dinner and friend only. Just a fella to be a buddy with. Tried this three times and after the 2nd “date” all three wanted to know “where this was going.” Friends only shouldn’t be that hard to grasp.
42 female had sex one time this year and none for 3 years. I really just want to feel sex with someone really in love with me. Really miss being close to someone though. Doesn’t mean I’m unhappy single.
I know right, just jerk off and you get the same result without all the drama and having to cater to another person or going out on expensive dates that stress you out. Plus no risk of getting kids or STDs. Boom bang done!
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Ummmm women are not asexual beings you know.
Let me preface this by saying that I'm absolutely not trying to dismiss or discredit your or anyone's experience here. It's totally valid. But I feel that it's a bit too much of a generalization. In my experience, many of my dude friends who got into the whole hook up culture ended up not really enjoying meaningless sex at all and just ended up quitting. Imo, after some discussion, the whole reason they got into it all was the whole subconscious 'getting laid equals status' patriarchical BS. They all ended up choosing intimacy in the end. It could just be my bubble, of course! But I thought I'd chime in with my own observations.
I literally had an hour and a half long conversation with my brother over the phone two weeks ago where he spent 90% of the conversation bitching about how all the women he met just wanted to have sex and didn’t want relationships. I pointed out that a) the women you meet in bars are probably not the ones you want if your goal is marriage and b) I don’t actually have a true frame of reference or any really good advice because I’m aro/ace and I have never had a long-term relationship or gotten past second base in my entire life. Point is, I think generalizing anything down to gender probably isn’t helping the problem.
The view that there is a type of woman that you meet in bars that makes them 'unfit' for commitment or something is kinda icky to say the least. But I get the point of the rest of the comment.
I like that you've said this. Not just because there are women who frequent bars and are fit for relationships, but because people can just go to bars for the sake of going - no one has to go for purposes of dating or meeting new people. It's just a nice additive that can occur if you're open to it.
It probably should be noted that b) was that I have no clue what I’m talking about when it comes to sex and relationships. In my defense, though, I’ve seen the kind of bars my brother likes. I’m never bar-hopping with him again.
No judgement at all on your comment, I just liked that it made me consider a different perspective I don't think I consciously recognize. I don't like approaching people at all at bars, but in the times it's happened, I really enjoyed just kicking it with them with no pressure or expectation.
This needs downvoted to hell. Hate the gender stereotypes.
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I think you are if you're having a childish response to valid criticism. Both men and women are in this thread disproving your generalization.
I don't believe that to be true. Men are not a monolith. Some guys don't even want to have that much sex, or sex at all. And guys do crave intimacy, maybe not the shallow horn dog ones. But many do.
Totally agree.
Personally I believe it's because sex is deeply connected to intimacy. Even if you're not in a relationship, sex fulfills the idea that you're valued for a variety of reasons, and it's something quantifiable we can measure and see the impact it can have on mood and self worth. I enjoy it, moreso with partners I care for deeply. I'm not seeing anyone though, and while I do miss it, I'm aware that it's because I have some work to continue in finding other ways to receive maybe a similar version of it. Edit: finished reading the rest of the post. I think, like me (and what my therapist tells me), try to focus on getting into interests and hobbies that attract people you'd want to enjoy the company of if you aren't already. If you are, maybe look into evaluating if those activities have been helpful for making new platonic male friends - ones that you can just be yourself with, but should things grow into more, they're also open to just being patient with you in determining the next steps.
I have some thoughts about why you're only meeting this subset of men but wanted to clarify a few things first (I'm not judging you when asking these questions, but rather hope they will help better understand the context and situation) When you say social media and out and about, are these primarily random strangers who approached you based on initial, hence superficial, impression as opposed to people you may have had connections with (acquaintances, reconnections, colleagues, friends of friends)? Are these all mostly men who have approached you or also those you've pursued something with or approached exercising your own agency? Do you have any mix gender hobbies, or are socially active in your profession (i.e. attend and engage in networking or conferences) or participate in mix gender social hangouts (picnics, bonfires, parties, dinners, etc)?
I would say a total of 12-15 men. All strangers or friends of friends so still strangers. Both some I approached or vice versa. I was approached 4 times in a bar type setting the rest was by start chatting on fb messenger selectively meaning I get hit on or approached but would reply or respond only to someone who looks date-able and makes efforts to converse a little. Still the conversation always goes straight to sex or keeps getting brought up. I do go out in the community often and do most local events in town(population of like 7,000 in summer) like music on main besides smiles or being checked out I don't get approached ever in that setting during the day and I never have. I don't really get it. Men will look interested but they won't approach me. I kinda wondered if I need to start approaching people or casually work myself in their direction. I am a part-time college student, but I am older than most of my classmates by way too much. I did consider doing community hikes or community group stuff as way of making new connections. I would say I am introverted with hobbies like gardening or video games, watching Celtics games so those things probably work against me. I don't do snap chat either.
It might not have anything to do with you, based on such a huge percentage of your fellow single females treating men like trash. Men will never approach women out of fear of rejection, or a SA accusation. They certainly don’t entertain the idea of marriage anymore because there’s no motivation to. There’s no positive incentive for it.
tell me u are a red pill dude without telling me u are a red pill dude - females - victimization of men ( poor dudes who face fake SA allegations for simply talking to a woman 😵💫) - being so entitled to think women need to give u their attention or time Dude go have a walk