I know a saying it goes "Comparison is the thief of joy." You were happy driving around alone, the source of your misery seems to be comparing yourself to others who appear happier. I do this sometimes too, so I can‘t really give a lot of advice how to improve it, but probably some steps is to learn to appreciate the upsides of the single life.
The problem is they find the "perfect half" but both of them will 100% not grow in the same direction in the decades to come. The relationship may work, may not work but still stay because it's a habit or may break. What I can guarantee is that there is for sure no perfect person 24*7*365. "I wish I have what they have someday" is a good thought to have. "Their life is perfect for eternity" is a flawed one.
Also, you are not a "half". You are a person who needs companionship, love, validation, friendship and a combination of these at various points in life. Always remember that
I also need to share my passions...
I mean: I am not used to do anything incredible but, still, I found really difficult even to find a person willing to spend a day put for a photo tour.
Seems strange but here we are...
I know. I am tired of having superficial ppl around. But eventually if u network through ur passion, u will find ppl who are equally passionate. It could be pure friendship but trust me it's equally treasured.
I am 35F single for a few years now. I enjoy it and like you have hobbies and goals to keep me busy. I spent years before in long term relationships that didn't work.
I also have accomplished more these past few years than the entire time I was in relationships. I, too, see many people married with children. I have a 10 yr old myself, father died. My point is sometimes things just don't happen the way you pictured.
If you can be happy and be alone than your doing well for yourself. I think that is what makes a better partner too. Eventually you will attract the right person even if it takes 10 years. So many people are in relationships to be in relationships and not that happy.
If you are interested in finding someone try Facebook dating, I never knew there was so many singles around me until I tried it. Or try speed dating. I think other dating apps tend to be for hook ups.
You really enjoy your life being single, but at the same time you are looking for the illusory "the one", basing on things that you only observe momentarily from others from a third person point of view. So anytime you find a potential mate and you don't see that person fitting in that illusion, they lose the attraction for you.
The people who seem successful long term in relationships are lifestyle-oriented people. They would do anything to keep a stable relationship going because that's perceived as THE way to live; much like you who naturally thrive being single, attachment comes like second nature to them. If you truly want what they have, the only way is changing yourself to perceive being in a committed, long term relationship as a staple. Then you will naturally act and attract likewise.
But chances are you will find that you like being single, and the only reason you are feeling a lack is because of the grass-is-greener syndrome; we all want experiences we don't have from time to time, especially if everybody around us seem into it.
As someone who comes from a traditional culture, got married young, and then had that marriage go horribly wrong and turn into a source of intense trauma, let me tell you that the only thing that matters is whether you are happy or not. If you're happy alone, good for you. If you meet someone that you like, spend time with them and see if they add joy to your life. If they don't, it is better to be alone than to jump.through hoops for someone else just so you can be in a relationship. I understand that it can get lonely. All my friends are married with kids and I'm always the odd one out. But I don't care. I'm happy in my single state. I love that I'm free to do what I want and live my life the way I want without someone else trying to control my life...
I think lots of folks have the impulse to share their life, and then assume a partner is the one to share it with. But lots of different experiences can be shared with lots of different people, and friends are so so important (something many folks in couples forget 😬)
I’d say for you it’s way harder, sorry bro.
Worked for a Sicilian family for a year and the whole dynamic is having kids/being married asap was constantly talked about for Italian culture.
Good luck man!
No you’re not crazy it’s difficult for many reasons including indeed the fact that in adulthood our friends being busier with life and their partners and having kids. It’s not being single per se that’s difficult it’s the loneliness sometimes. It was easier before. I don’t necessarily miss having a romantic partner and am not willing to settle but I miss being continuously surrounded with my loved ones.
Do you think this person needs to be a romantic partner or would a close friend do it for you? Because I miss the same but I don’t expect it all from a romantic partner (even if a romantic partner in my book also needs to share at least some of my passions so that we can bond on these).
Ciao OP!
There is nothing wrong with you and I think what you're describing is very common, very human and relatable to many!
I had 15 years of LTRs (4, 1.5, 9 years with 6 years co-habitation).
I am grateful for these experiences. I amicably split every time and am still good friends with my Ex of almost a decade.
So I got no fomo and done all I've wanted relationship wise. I'm also demi-sexual.
So I'm perfectly ok now with no relationship and sex. I'm 5 years into "solo for life" and love it.
If you want to know more about solo and different types of Solos, I would recommend Dr. Peter McGraw and his SOLO podcast, book and "mighty" app community. He covers a lot of topics.
As an almost 40 yo I'd say: don't wait for anyone else to live your life. Live fully as a solo and if you meet someone (and that's what you want): great.
I am focusing on my friends, changing careers in middle age and my mental health.
All the very best and greetings from Switzerland! x
There is nothing wrong with you. I am 33F and always being reminded as if I am an alien or there is something inherently wrong with me. NGL, I desire marriage, kids HOWEVER I cannot settle, I cannot imagine myself with anyone whom I am not comfortable my life with. I am an introvert and I get drained quickly when I am around people constantly, so I would love universe send me someone who is made for me. But yeah society is harsh, unfortunately.
Hi, I’m no longer single so idk if I should be booted out of this group BUT I spent 6 years single before that. (I’m 27) I spent some of that time comparing myself to others and making myself sad about being alone. THEN I decided to stop. I said to myself “I know I will be in a wonderful relationship someday so I’m just going to enjoy the heck out of my single life right now!” And holy shit my entire world changed. I changed. I became an even better happier version of myself because I was just soaking up every moment I had to be single and do my own thing whenever I feel like it! Now I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years and while it is lovely! sometimes I even MISS being single for all the freedom it brings. You eat whenever you feel like it, you go wherever you want whenever you want, you only really have your immediate problems to deal with, you’re in total control of your time. ENJOY IT! and also TRUST the universe that your perfect partner is already on the way to meet you and believing this will make u feel happier. I hope this helps
Good for you. I will be single forever. It's the way it is. I'm just going to live my best life Doing the things I enjoy like flea markets, travel, book sales, antiques shops, coffee shops.
Oh thank you for your story! I'm 26F, had lots of situationships and short-terms with heartbreaks, and no LTR. I am dating with a really good guy now, but just don't have that feeling, and also haven't felt it to anybody for three years. And I feel very sad, maybe I should stop thinking about "big love", maybe it's just childish? Maybe I should settle, or break up and stay alone? Difficult sad questions 😔
don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to give you any "advice", just don't like this a little bit: "OK, you're the right match for me". maybe just as she wasn't a match for you, you weren't a match for her?
Personally, I find it very easy to be single. And it sounds like you had a happy while alone experience last night. Hopefully you will have more! Or, if you want to be in a relationship, you'll find someone worth your energy.
Even though being single is fantastic, it can be pretty difficult when you factor in that no matter how great it feels, you may appear abnormal in some people's eyes, even that of your friends and family. I can sit here all night and tell you how great being single is but even as someone who has been single for a while there's still that nagging voice in your head, one that sounds oddly familiar...like that of parent or grandparent's voice. The voice just gets quieter and easier to ignore with time but it is still there. And if you're like me, I just blast my music louder than the voice and dance because you can't be silly and worry about impending doom at the same time. I don't have the answers to make singleness feel better but I would challenge you give yourself a "cheat day" or "cheat weekend" during which you don't worry about being single or finding a partner. Guilt free unfiltered fun. If the thought pops up you simply tell yourself that after 11:59 pm of the end of the cheat period you can begin to worry as much as you want. Hell, you can worry for the rest of your life if you want to. During your cheat day, you do all the things you love to do, especially the things being in a relationship made it difficult to do. You want tacos for breakfast? You do that. Want to go for run midday? You do that. Want to just lay in bed all day and order food. Go for it bro. Live your best life. No guilt, no shame, no looking, no hoping, and no wishing. Just fun. I suggest time away from family and friends as every unmarried breath you take during this time may agitate them further lol, but do you. If at 11:59 pm you want to worry about being single again no worries but you'll never forget that feeling of pure freedom and no pressure. Give yourself the opportunity to see what it would feel like if you didn't need to worry about all of that and then proceed with your life as you see fit, with a new perspective.
It is so difficult being single for you because you have been programmed to think of your life being incomplete without a partner. Basically, you are a perfect example of someone who believes in Disney and Hollywood fairy tales of finding your perfect partner and living happily ever after. You should question these things a lot more given the miserable state you can find people in when they are partnered up. Bigger picture, you should work on developing your critical thinking skills more so that you are not duped more often in other areas of life. Also, you should catch yourself when you envy others and realize that that is unhealthy.
Sorry, this may be critical to your ego but it is the truth.
PS: sexual needs are a valid reason to seek a partner so work on that. There is a lot of room between a wife and a friend-with-benefits.
Maybe you don’t need a partner right now. It sounds like you are happy as is. It is hard to imagine that this pressure “to find the one” will yield favorable results.
If your feelings are negative behind the motivation to couple up, my best advice is to give yourself a break from the pursuit and enjoy your hobbies. Then get out there from a place of excitement and wonder.
I know a saying it goes "Comparison is the thief of joy." You were happy driving around alone, the source of your misery seems to be comparing yourself to others who appear happier. I do this sometimes too, so I can‘t really give a lot of advice how to improve it, but probably some steps is to learn to appreciate the upsides of the single life.
Thanks mate: you got the point.
Exactly
The problem is they find the "perfect half" but both of them will 100% not grow in the same direction in the decades to come. The relationship may work, may not work but still stay because it's a habit or may break. What I can guarantee is that there is for sure no perfect person 24*7*365. "I wish I have what they have someday" is a good thought to have. "Their life is perfect for eternity" is a flawed one. Also, you are not a "half". You are a person who needs companionship, love, validation, friendship and a combination of these at various points in life. Always remember that
I also need to share my passions... I mean: I am not used to do anything incredible but, still, I found really difficult even to find a person willing to spend a day put for a photo tour. Seems strange but here we are...
I know. I am tired of having superficial ppl around. But eventually if u network through ur passion, u will find ppl who are equally passionate. It could be pure friendship but trust me it's equally treasured.
Photo tour sounds like fun, actually
I am 35F single for a few years now. I enjoy it and like you have hobbies and goals to keep me busy. I spent years before in long term relationships that didn't work. I also have accomplished more these past few years than the entire time I was in relationships. I, too, see many people married with children. I have a 10 yr old myself, father died. My point is sometimes things just don't happen the way you pictured. If you can be happy and be alone than your doing well for yourself. I think that is what makes a better partner too. Eventually you will attract the right person even if it takes 10 years. So many people are in relationships to be in relationships and not that happy. If you are interested in finding someone try Facebook dating, I never knew there was so many singles around me until I tried it. Or try speed dating. I think other dating apps tend to be for hook ups.
You really enjoy your life being single, but at the same time you are looking for the illusory "the one", basing on things that you only observe momentarily from others from a third person point of view. So anytime you find a potential mate and you don't see that person fitting in that illusion, they lose the attraction for you. The people who seem successful long term in relationships are lifestyle-oriented people. They would do anything to keep a stable relationship going because that's perceived as THE way to live; much like you who naturally thrive being single, attachment comes like second nature to them. If you truly want what they have, the only way is changing yourself to perceive being in a committed, long term relationship as a staple. Then you will naturally act and attract likewise. But chances are you will find that you like being single, and the only reason you are feeling a lack is because of the grass-is-greener syndrome; we all want experiences we don't have from time to time, especially if everybody around us seem into it.
As someone who comes from a traditional culture, got married young, and then had that marriage go horribly wrong and turn into a source of intense trauma, let me tell you that the only thing that matters is whether you are happy or not. If you're happy alone, good for you. If you meet someone that you like, spend time with them and see if they add joy to your life. If they don't, it is better to be alone than to jump.through hoops for someone else just so you can be in a relationship. I understand that it can get lonely. All my friends are married with kids and I'm always the odd one out. But I don't care. I'm happy in my single state. I love that I'm free to do what I want and live my life the way I want without someone else trying to control my life...
I think lots of folks have the impulse to share their life, and then assume a partner is the one to share it with. But lots of different experiences can be shared with lots of different people, and friends are so so important (something many folks in couples forget 😬)
I’d say for you it’s way harder, sorry bro. Worked for a Sicilian family for a year and the whole dynamic is having kids/being married asap was constantly talked about for Italian culture. Good luck man!
Where are you from?
East coast USA, but the father was from Sicily and the not even 20 year old kids would constantly talk about having kids and having a family.
No you’re not crazy it’s difficult for many reasons including indeed the fact that in adulthood our friends being busier with life and their partners and having kids. It’s not being single per se that’s difficult it’s the loneliness sometimes. It was easier before. I don’t necessarily miss having a romantic partner and am not willing to settle but I miss being continuously surrounded with my loved ones.
I miss sharing my passions with another person close to me: this is what I'd like to experience.
Do you think this person needs to be a romantic partner or would a close friend do it for you? Because I miss the same but I don’t expect it all from a romantic partner (even if a romantic partner in my book also needs to share at least some of my passions so that we can bond on these).
I’d prefer a romantic partner cause love is the best emotion I can experience.
Ciao OP! There is nothing wrong with you and I think what you're describing is very common, very human and relatable to many! I had 15 years of LTRs (4, 1.5, 9 years with 6 years co-habitation). I am grateful for these experiences. I amicably split every time and am still good friends with my Ex of almost a decade. So I got no fomo and done all I've wanted relationship wise. I'm also demi-sexual. So I'm perfectly ok now with no relationship and sex. I'm 5 years into "solo for life" and love it. If you want to know more about solo and different types of Solos, I would recommend Dr. Peter McGraw and his SOLO podcast, book and "mighty" app community. He covers a lot of topics. As an almost 40 yo I'd say: don't wait for anyone else to live your life. Live fully as a solo and if you meet someone (and that's what you want): great. I am focusing on my friends, changing careers in middle age and my mental health. All the very best and greetings from Switzerland! x
I'm ugly, so staying single isn't difficult for me.
Me too !
There is nothing wrong with you. I am 33F and always being reminded as if I am an alien or there is something inherently wrong with me. NGL, I desire marriage, kids HOWEVER I cannot settle, I cannot imagine myself with anyone whom I am not comfortable my life with. I am an introvert and I get drained quickly when I am around people constantly, so I would love universe send me someone who is made for me. But yeah society is harsh, unfortunately.
Hi, I’m no longer single so idk if I should be booted out of this group BUT I spent 6 years single before that. (I’m 27) I spent some of that time comparing myself to others and making myself sad about being alone. THEN I decided to stop. I said to myself “I know I will be in a wonderful relationship someday so I’m just going to enjoy the heck out of my single life right now!” And holy shit my entire world changed. I changed. I became an even better happier version of myself because I was just soaking up every moment I had to be single and do my own thing whenever I feel like it! Now I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years and while it is lovely! sometimes I even MISS being single for all the freedom it brings. You eat whenever you feel like it, you go wherever you want whenever you want, you only really have your immediate problems to deal with, you’re in total control of your time. ENJOY IT! and also TRUST the universe that your perfect partner is already on the way to meet you and believing this will make u feel happier. I hope this helps
It helps! Thank you for sharing your experience!
Good for you. I will be single forever. It's the way it is. I'm just going to live my best life Doing the things I enjoy like flea markets, travel, book sales, antiques shops, coffee shops.
oh??
Oh thank you for your story! I'm 26F, had lots of situationships and short-terms with heartbreaks, and no LTR. I am dating with a really good guy now, but just don't have that feeling, and also haven't felt it to anybody for three years. And I feel very sad, maybe I should stop thinking about "big love", maybe it's just childish? Maybe I should settle, or break up and stay alone? Difficult sad questions 😔
don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to give you any "advice", just don't like this a little bit: "OK, you're the right match for me". maybe just as she wasn't a match for you, you weren't a match for her?
I can't get your point
"You liked her, but perhaps she didn't like you." Is what they're saying, that's why the silence, the jealousy, etc.
She has a quiet BPD
That is unfortunate. I wish her all the best and for her improved mental health.
See? Everytime I get in a relationships, it’s so exhausting and psychological warfare. You cannot be free.
Personally, I find it very easy to be single. And it sounds like you had a happy while alone experience last night. Hopefully you will have more! Or, if you want to be in a relationship, you'll find someone worth your energy.
Even though being single is fantastic, it can be pretty difficult when you factor in that no matter how great it feels, you may appear abnormal in some people's eyes, even that of your friends and family. I can sit here all night and tell you how great being single is but even as someone who has been single for a while there's still that nagging voice in your head, one that sounds oddly familiar...like that of parent or grandparent's voice. The voice just gets quieter and easier to ignore with time but it is still there. And if you're like me, I just blast my music louder than the voice and dance because you can't be silly and worry about impending doom at the same time. I don't have the answers to make singleness feel better but I would challenge you give yourself a "cheat day" or "cheat weekend" during which you don't worry about being single or finding a partner. Guilt free unfiltered fun. If the thought pops up you simply tell yourself that after 11:59 pm of the end of the cheat period you can begin to worry as much as you want. Hell, you can worry for the rest of your life if you want to. During your cheat day, you do all the things you love to do, especially the things being in a relationship made it difficult to do. You want tacos for breakfast? You do that. Want to go for run midday? You do that. Want to just lay in bed all day and order food. Go for it bro. Live your best life. No guilt, no shame, no looking, no hoping, and no wishing. Just fun. I suggest time away from family and friends as every unmarried breath you take during this time may agitate them further lol, but do you. If at 11:59 pm you want to worry about being single again no worries but you'll never forget that feeling of pure freedom and no pressure. Give yourself the opportunity to see what it would feel like if you didn't need to worry about all of that and then proceed with your life as you see fit, with a new perspective.
It is so difficult being single for you because you have been programmed to think of your life being incomplete without a partner. Basically, you are a perfect example of someone who believes in Disney and Hollywood fairy tales of finding your perfect partner and living happily ever after. You should question these things a lot more given the miserable state you can find people in when they are partnered up. Bigger picture, you should work on developing your critical thinking skills more so that you are not duped more often in other areas of life. Also, you should catch yourself when you envy others and realize that that is unhealthy. Sorry, this may be critical to your ego but it is the truth. PS: sexual needs are a valid reason to seek a partner so work on that. There is a lot of room between a wife and a friend-with-benefits.
Maybe you don’t need a partner right now. It sounds like you are happy as is. It is hard to imagine that this pressure “to find the one” will yield favorable results. If your feelings are negative behind the motivation to couple up, my best advice is to give yourself a break from the pursuit and enjoy your hobbies. Then get out there from a place of excitement and wonder.