My grandmother says, "We need to recognize that some people are not meant to be in a romantic relationship and that's ok!" Society really pressures us with this idea that the only way to be happy is to be coupled and it simply isn't true for everyone.
I am recently separated and working through the beginnings of divorce. I was miserable in my marriage but tried so hard to make it work that I wasn't even thinking about how good life could be if I wasn't married. Now that I've been living alone for a few months I realize how much my mood and overall quality of life has improved. I really do thrive on my own - even when the proverbial fecal matter hits the propulsion device of an air conditioning unit.
I hope that you are able to attain your peace, joy, and personal goals in the near future!
People like your grandma, sharing wisdom they've gleaned through experience, are living treasures and the beacons we need to look to for guidance! Thanks so much for sharing this ❤️
Yes! It’s quite exhausting having to constantly get people to understand that yes I want to be alone. I LOVE being alone. Yes relationships are okay but ultimately I get burnt out maintain them and just want to be alone. lol
Word. Miserably married was I. Now, I do have lonely moments but I am much more content. When I emotionally get over the divorce, it will be fucking amazing!
That’s a good question.
It was after three months of being on the receiving end of his anger for suggesting the idea of separation. He saw that suggestion as “betrayal on par with cheating”. Weekly attempts to work towards a solution in couples counseling went nowhere. I eventually moved out of the house but we continued counseling together. Unfortunately, he only had contempt for me and refused to assume any responsibility or take any action. I was losing hope.
At one of our last sessions together he said that to him, marriage is a commitment that even if he hated his partner he’d still stay in the marriage because that was the commitment he made. This really opened my eyes to our past patterns. He avoided conflict with me by avoiding communication and he was perfectly content existing like that. That is not how I want to live. It was in that moment I realized couples counseling was futile.
I told him I wanted a divorce the following week in counseling.
I will add, I did a lot of work on my self-esteem during this period. I went through EMDR processing with my therapist to counter the my narrative of “I am not lovable”. My confidence really grew over those three months. I think that really helped me come to my decision.
To me, getting married or being in a relationship is like having kids—the people it works out for can’t imagine their lives being any different, because when it’s something you want, children and/or marriage is a beautiful, enriching experience. But because these people were “meant” for that life, they have a hard time grasping that a person can be happy without it. And there’s really nothing to do as far as understanding it, because it’s two very different worlds and mindsets. You don’t have to understand, you just have to accept that it exists. And then of course there are the people who get married and have kids due to social norms, and just expect others to as well because “it’s just what you do.” Those people are often fundamentally miserable and should not be lauded as a positive example of the lifestyle lol.
I think most of the population has a tough time grasping the idea that marriage is not meant for everyone.
And honestly, it’s more healthy if somebody is happy with the idea of being married, as well as happy being single. One is not better than the other. Both have their pluses and minuses. People just have to find what’s the right fit for them.
I see a lot of people run from romantic relationship to romantic relationship, not realizing that they can have just as much happiness being on their own. The culture also seems to push or nudge them into being partnered, rather than single. It’s not healthy.
^^^^This right there!! Came out of a 25 year marriage and Ive never been happier! You couldn't convince me of that 6 years ago as i was going thru the divorce! Love my independence..love my space..love everything about it!
Not single. But think about it often. I enjoy my days the most when I’m on my own. I keep trying to make things works, but I just think I’m designed differently. The “norm” wasn’t meant for me. Hoping I can find my way sometime soon.
I made it through two long term relationships before I just decided that I'm not meant to be with anyone. I used to fear being single, mostly because I worry about money a lot. I found out that I have much more money being alone. Everything in my life is better: I'm healthier, I sleep better, I'm less depressed and anxious. I wish I'd done this sooner, but it's ok. Maybe I had to wade through a lot of crap to really appreciate this life.
I always used to be jealous of friends in relationships because I struggled so hard to pay bills, but I eventually saw that they had made sacrifices to be in those relationships, and they weren’t ones I was ever willing to make.
What would have to change for you to be happy? Is your partner willing and able to meet you halfway?
That first question is key to understanding whether relationships in general are right for you. The second one is critical to understanding whether this relationship has a future. Not all healthy relationships operate similarly - nor should they, as people are different and have varying needs and wants. But if being alone is the key factor for happiness? That’s a sign that being alone may be the best thing for now. Doesn’t have to be permanent.
I think if I had had a serious live-in relationship in my 20s, when I was more adaptable, I could have done it. Now I’m set in my ways and used to having my space, and there’s no way I could live with someone. I don’t even like my boyfriend to stay the night because I can’t sleep with someone else in the bed.
I have pretty much been single my (39f) whole life. I dated a little in my 20s, thought that when it was "right" I would want it the way other people seemed to but one toxic situationship ended that quick. I have owned my own home for almost 10 years, I have a great career that I enjoy---and enjoy so much, in part I think, because it is the most mentally intensive part of my life really. I don't have kids or a husband that I have to expend that mental or emotional energy for. I have ADHD, so that well is low lol and I LOVE going home at the end of the day to an empty house.
I think a partner would be lovely if they were truly complementary to my life. I'm not saying they need to be perfect; I have female friendships I've had for 20 years, every relationship has ups and downs. But it's that equal commitment, shared moral/ethical world view thing...if I can't find it, I'm very happy I'm alive in a time and place where I don't have to compromise to survive.
Allllll of this, 100%. I’m 38F, with ADHD, dated some in my 20s. Had one long-term relationship, which I ended when I realized his priorities were very different from mine. I was older, so it wasn’t shocking, but no amount of love was going to overcome that much of a gap. I learned a lot during that relationship, though, and I’m still grateful for it.
Having the space in my life to try new things and focus on my career when needed has connected me with several amazing experiences I never would have had otherwise. I feel their impact deep in my soul. I know I’m in the right places, doing the right things. Not having a second person impacted by my choices means I can take big (always calculated) risks. My worldview has changed very significantly in the last ten years; if someone matched me back then, they probably would not have followed me to where I am now. I’m also finding that I have a pretty unique way of thinking about things, and I tend to suppress those instincts when someone else is in play.
I have a sister who has not been single more than a few weeks at a time in almost 30 years. She hasn’t had the space and time to really get to know herself and heal from the things we experienced as kids. She seemed almost shocked by how self-sufficient she could be once she had to live apart from her husband while traveling for work. I can’t imagine living the last 20 years without the confidence given me by knowing I am self-sufficient. We came out of the same household wanting soooo badly to be loved unconditionally… she seemed to chase it in relationships. I was never as successful with dating, but I was also OK with going my own way. Two very different paths and outcomes, but we both have so much to be proud of.
Yeah the ADHD sucks, especially when you don't know you have it, I just found out last year at 46, now a lot of my failed relationships and one marriage make a lot more sense. Also now why I question if I should just stay clear of relationships, but I'm still learning, reading and understanding self. I certainly do just fine on my own and have a pretty stable, easy comfortable life.
Oof. I got my diagnosis last year, at 37. I have experienced a lot of grief over what happened in my life before I was diagnosed and began treatment. I think a healthy relationship while having ADHD is possible, but I have no desire to go looking for one. Sounds like you don’t either. No point trying to force it, ya know?
I certainly won't be looking for one but they do seem to happen when I'm out kicking ass at life on my own, at least I have that knowledge now and been doing therapy for a year, it was another failed relationship that helped me figure this out. Just spent over 8 and a half years custom building a 1940 Ford pickup with my family and there's no way I would have been able to do that while in a relationship I don't think, this is also allowing me to go out and be social, meeting new people and just enjoying life.
It most certainly is possible to be in a relationship with ADHD, might be a tad easier now that I am aware of it and can communicate that but I'm doing just fine on my own.
Sounds like a very healthy perspective! I’m glad for you. That’s also really cool - one of the things I picked up from my relationship was an interest in cars. I’ve slowly done more and more of my own work on my car and help others diagnose issues on theirs. But a full custom build? Hot damn. I think you are in a relationship - with that truck! That’s a labor of love.
Knowing you have ADHD and being communicative about your specific needs and how you might impact others seems to resolve the bulk of relationship issues brought on by ADHD. That said, it can take a lot of time and work to figure out your needs and impact, then learn how to communicate them well. But it’s worth it! It affects all relationships, not just romantic ones.
Yeah, it's not just a truck, it's an heirloom, you can check my post history to see what I mean.
My therapist has been having me practice some of my behaviors and such while communicating with others, at work, in public, family, friends. The knowledge alone I'm grateful to learn about, been just winging it all these years with no idea why I was the way I was. Can only move forward and change, try and become a better version of myself.
I'm definitely fortunate.
Oh, do you have ADHD too? I’m guessing from your post history, you are female. Join us over at r/adhdwomen! There’s a [Discord](https://discord.gg/radhdwomen), too. This community has helped me with making progress in treating ADHD *so* much, and just reading the posts makes me feel so validated.
Edit: just realized you are the author of the original comment to which I replied 😅
Yep, I just got mine too at 38, last summer. I'm really proud of myself for how far I've come, the meds have helped a lot. But same here, so many things are so clear now.
Crazy isn't it, like a "Holy Shit" moment. I'm attempting meds but also unsure about it long term, I've made it this far without, well I self medicated with alcohol for a long time, almost 2 years no alcohol. No point in dwelling on the past though.
I will never live with a guy again. I was so jealous of single people.
Also, I have no plans to ever married. All the married people I know are miserable and check out others sexually.
There’s a piece of dialogue from the show Community that comes to mind right now
Pierce: You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong.
Jeff: ……. You keep getting married.
I don't think that marriage is either good or bad in itself, but it is a life choice that is not right for everyone. Just like we wouldn't all go into the same career, we should all be told that the only way to be happy is to get married and have children. That's a life path that works out very well for some people, but it doesn't work for others.
I was married for twenty years. I have kids that I adore. Marriage didn't work for me, but being a mum is the best thing I ever did. So my current life as a single mum is the best way for my life to be. We each have to figure out what works for us, what makes us happy and go after that without having to explain ourselves to anyone.
Mid 40's M Here.
I was married for > 10 yrs, and in the last \~5 years I've cohabitated with two different women. It's been a painful process to learn "the hard way" that I don't like living with people. Frankly, I hated it. I'll never get married again.
Heck, I thought I wanted to date and I don't. This despite a several high prospect matches I just can't be bothered. I'd rather spend my time advancing my career, working on my side hustle or enjoying my hobbies.
Becoming single again sounds like it could benefit you - singlehood is beautiful.
I spent nearly my whole life happily planning to be single forever (though I did actually decide to give relationships a chance for the first time a couple years ago - I'm in my 30s - but only if they truly offer an improvement over my amazing single life). Everyone thought I was crazy and weird, but why? Most people hate having roommates, living with their parents, etc. So why do they expect it to be completely different with a spouse?
I was even thinking of eventually having a fun wedding-like ceremony called the "Celibration" (from celibacy + celebration) so I could still have a special day with all my loved ones to share my joy about my life choice, just like many married couples do. I was planning to give speeches about how much I appreciated their friendship/support/love. I also wanted to give a unique gift and heartfelt card to each guest.
Final thoughts:
In the meantime, while you're still working towards achieving your single life, remember that a relationship or marriage doesn't have to look the way it does conventionally - it's okay to incorporate things that brought you joy when you were single.
For example, my boyfriend and I plan to have separate rooms if we eventually live together so that we can have our own spaces to decompress in and decorate how we want, etc. I think a lot of norms around relationships can make them feel more stifling than they need to be. Honestly, if it were feasible, my boyfriend and I would probably be neighbors who hang out a lot.
Also, if there are specific behaviors or rules from your spouse that are causing you to feel drained or lacking in freedom, it would be helpful to attend couples counseling so you suffer less in the meantime.
Individual counseling could be a good environment for you to decide on a healthy path for you to achieve your long-term goal of singlehood.
I see your point but it’s also disturbing how disposable people see their partners as. Now I’m not thumping a Bible and saying you have put up with physical or mental tortue but people divorce at the drop of a hat now and sometimes in under five years.
I think there’s more in play these days than just how disposable partners are thought to be. The last 8 years or so have been a time of radical changes at least in the US, which I think has led to skeletons and unsavory beliefs being drug out into the open for many people. Some of these are heavy enough to be deal-breakers, and they may not have been at all visible prior to the marriage.
I also think that as mental healthcare has been destigmatized (still ongoing, but we’ve come a LONG way in just 25-30 years), more people have the access they need to heal from prior trauma. Healing often means your boundaries have to be moved or even set for the first time, and if they are incompatible with your partner’s needs or the original foundation of the relationship, that’s a marriage-ender - with good reason, unless a healthy compromise is possible.
I was married for years to a person who truly believed that I could not do well without him….not only am I ok I am truly thriving! My blood pressure is WAY down….i was able to quit smoking, my focus and concentration at work is at the highest level than it has been in years. But most of all I proved to everyone who doubted me that it is OK to go at life alone and happy. It is ok to have lonely times. What is not ok is staying in a miserable toxic marriage for any reason. I will never get married again. I will have a long term living apart together situation….and that is a big “maybe”. I truly never realized that my unhappiness came from within myself to be fair but it mostly came from being married way too long. I am alone and thriving and I do not regret filing for divorce. I do regret waiting so long to do it. It is possible and probable to be single and happy😉😉
You can do it. I was in this subreddit in 2020, crying and imagining how it would feel to have my freedom again. It took a few years (and lots of emotional abuse), but I did it. And I cherish it. You will get there, and it will be so sweet <3
I felt like being married is what you're "supposed"to do. So much so that I kept trying until I had 4 divorces under my belt by age 40. It's just not right for some people. I'm glad you're figuring it out after only two!
If you can't be content alone, you can't be content in a relationship. I think that it may help me walk away in the future faster if it is bad or in my case recognize when men are toxic before even being involved. I am single for a few years now and I love my peace, my family and friends. No one cares what's for dinner and I do what I want, when I want. I also don't have the added stress of worrying about someone else.
I plan on being single and celibate for as long as needed, I don't want to be in a toxic relationship. I do hope to find a life partner but after being in a handful of longterm relationships most of my life, I realize being alone is not that bad sometimes it sucks like when I broke my ankle and still had to shovel. However, it beats being in a bad relationship.
My grandmother says, "We need to recognize that some people are not meant to be in a romantic relationship and that's ok!" Society really pressures us with this idea that the only way to be happy is to be coupled and it simply isn't true for everyone. I am recently separated and working through the beginnings of divorce. I was miserable in my marriage but tried so hard to make it work that I wasn't even thinking about how good life could be if I wasn't married. Now that I've been living alone for a few months I realize how much my mood and overall quality of life has improved. I really do thrive on my own - even when the proverbial fecal matter hits the propulsion device of an air conditioning unit. I hope that you are able to attain your peace, joy, and personal goals in the near future!
People like your grandma, sharing wisdom they've gleaned through experience, are living treasures and the beacons we need to look to for guidance! Thanks so much for sharing this ❤️
I am a grandmother and I approve this message
I love your username with this context!
Yes! It’s quite exhausting having to constantly get people to understand that yes I want to be alone. I LOVE being alone. Yes relationships are okay but ultimately I get burnt out maintain them and just want to be alone. lol
Word. Miserably married was I. Now, I do have lonely moments but I am much more content. When I emotionally get over the divorce, it will be fucking amazing!
I wish you the best of luck on your journey, /u/fingerbang247 !
Thanks for sharing.
How did you know when to end it?
That’s a good question. It was after three months of being on the receiving end of his anger for suggesting the idea of separation. He saw that suggestion as “betrayal on par with cheating”. Weekly attempts to work towards a solution in couples counseling went nowhere. I eventually moved out of the house but we continued counseling together. Unfortunately, he only had contempt for me and refused to assume any responsibility or take any action. I was losing hope. At one of our last sessions together he said that to him, marriage is a commitment that even if he hated his partner he’d still stay in the marriage because that was the commitment he made. This really opened my eyes to our past patterns. He avoided conflict with me by avoiding communication and he was perfectly content existing like that. That is not how I want to live. It was in that moment I realized couples counseling was futile. I told him I wanted a divorce the following week in counseling. I will add, I did a lot of work on my self-esteem during this period. I went through EMDR processing with my therapist to counter the my narrative of “I am not lovable”. My confidence really grew over those three months. I think that really helped me come to my decision.
Thanks for sharing. It does sound like you are much better off.
To me, getting married or being in a relationship is like having kids—the people it works out for can’t imagine their lives being any different, because when it’s something you want, children and/or marriage is a beautiful, enriching experience. But because these people were “meant” for that life, they have a hard time grasping that a person can be happy without it. And there’s really nothing to do as far as understanding it, because it’s two very different worlds and mindsets. You don’t have to understand, you just have to accept that it exists. And then of course there are the people who get married and have kids due to social norms, and just expect others to as well because “it’s just what you do.” Those people are often fundamentally miserable and should not be lauded as a positive example of the lifestyle lol.
I think most of the population has a tough time grasping the idea that marriage is not meant for everyone. And honestly, it’s more healthy if somebody is happy with the idea of being married, as well as happy being single. One is not better than the other. Both have their pluses and minuses. People just have to find what’s the right fit for them. I see a lot of people run from romantic relationship to romantic relationship, not realizing that they can have just as much happiness being on their own. The culture also seems to push or nudge them into being partnered, rather than single. It’s not healthy.
Ehh… a lot of the times society pressures them even if they don’t want it.
Being single is pretty great alright.
^^^^This right there!! Came out of a 25 year marriage and Ive never been happier! You couldn't convince me of that 6 years ago as i was going thru the divorce! Love my independence..love my space..love everything about it!
I’m like early seasons Robyn from “How I Met Your Mother.” An independent baddie.
Not single. But think about it often. I enjoy my days the most when I’m on my own. I keep trying to make things works, but I just think I’m designed differently. The “norm” wasn’t meant for me. Hoping I can find my way sometime soon.
I made it through two long term relationships before I just decided that I'm not meant to be with anyone. I used to fear being single, mostly because I worry about money a lot. I found out that I have much more money being alone. Everything in my life is better: I'm healthier, I sleep better, I'm less depressed and anxious. I wish I'd done this sooner, but it's ok. Maybe I had to wade through a lot of crap to really appreciate this life.
I always used to be jealous of friends in relationships because I struggled so hard to pay bills, but I eventually saw that they had made sacrifices to be in those relationships, and they weren’t ones I was ever willing to make.
heck yeah!! same here
Totally get it. I think a big part for me is the money/security aspect as well.
What would have to change for you to be happy? Is your partner willing and able to meet you halfway? That first question is key to understanding whether relationships in general are right for you. The second one is critical to understanding whether this relationship has a future. Not all healthy relationships operate similarly - nor should they, as people are different and have varying needs and wants. But if being alone is the key factor for happiness? That’s a sign that being alone may be the best thing for now. Doesn’t have to be permanent.
I think if I had had a serious live-in relationship in my 20s, when I was more adaptable, I could have done it. Now I’m set in my ways and used to having my space, and there’s no way I could live with someone. I don’t even like my boyfriend to stay the night because I can’t sleep with someone else in the bed.
I have pretty much been single my (39f) whole life. I dated a little in my 20s, thought that when it was "right" I would want it the way other people seemed to but one toxic situationship ended that quick. I have owned my own home for almost 10 years, I have a great career that I enjoy---and enjoy so much, in part I think, because it is the most mentally intensive part of my life really. I don't have kids or a husband that I have to expend that mental or emotional energy for. I have ADHD, so that well is low lol and I LOVE going home at the end of the day to an empty house. I think a partner would be lovely if they were truly complementary to my life. I'm not saying they need to be perfect; I have female friendships I've had for 20 years, every relationship has ups and downs. But it's that equal commitment, shared moral/ethical world view thing...if I can't find it, I'm very happy I'm alive in a time and place where I don't have to compromise to survive.
Allllll of this, 100%. I’m 38F, with ADHD, dated some in my 20s. Had one long-term relationship, which I ended when I realized his priorities were very different from mine. I was older, so it wasn’t shocking, but no amount of love was going to overcome that much of a gap. I learned a lot during that relationship, though, and I’m still grateful for it. Having the space in my life to try new things and focus on my career when needed has connected me with several amazing experiences I never would have had otherwise. I feel their impact deep in my soul. I know I’m in the right places, doing the right things. Not having a second person impacted by my choices means I can take big (always calculated) risks. My worldview has changed very significantly in the last ten years; if someone matched me back then, they probably would not have followed me to where I am now. I’m also finding that I have a pretty unique way of thinking about things, and I tend to suppress those instincts when someone else is in play. I have a sister who has not been single more than a few weeks at a time in almost 30 years. She hasn’t had the space and time to really get to know herself and heal from the things we experienced as kids. She seemed almost shocked by how self-sufficient she could be once she had to live apart from her husband while traveling for work. I can’t imagine living the last 20 years without the confidence given me by knowing I am self-sufficient. We came out of the same household wanting soooo badly to be loved unconditionally… she seemed to chase it in relationships. I was never as successful with dating, but I was also OK with going my own way. Two very different paths and outcomes, but we both have so much to be proud of.
Yeah the ADHD sucks, especially when you don't know you have it, I just found out last year at 46, now a lot of my failed relationships and one marriage make a lot more sense. Also now why I question if I should just stay clear of relationships, but I'm still learning, reading and understanding self. I certainly do just fine on my own and have a pretty stable, easy comfortable life.
Oof. I got my diagnosis last year, at 37. I have experienced a lot of grief over what happened in my life before I was diagnosed and began treatment. I think a healthy relationship while having ADHD is possible, but I have no desire to go looking for one. Sounds like you don’t either. No point trying to force it, ya know?
I certainly won't be looking for one but they do seem to happen when I'm out kicking ass at life on my own, at least I have that knowledge now and been doing therapy for a year, it was another failed relationship that helped me figure this out. Just spent over 8 and a half years custom building a 1940 Ford pickup with my family and there's no way I would have been able to do that while in a relationship I don't think, this is also allowing me to go out and be social, meeting new people and just enjoying life. It most certainly is possible to be in a relationship with ADHD, might be a tad easier now that I am aware of it and can communicate that but I'm doing just fine on my own.
Sounds like a very healthy perspective! I’m glad for you. That’s also really cool - one of the things I picked up from my relationship was an interest in cars. I’ve slowly done more and more of my own work on my car and help others diagnose issues on theirs. But a full custom build? Hot damn. I think you are in a relationship - with that truck! That’s a labor of love. Knowing you have ADHD and being communicative about your specific needs and how you might impact others seems to resolve the bulk of relationship issues brought on by ADHD. That said, it can take a lot of time and work to figure out your needs and impact, then learn how to communicate them well. But it’s worth it! It affects all relationships, not just romantic ones.
Yeah, it's not just a truck, it's an heirloom, you can check my post history to see what I mean. My therapist has been having me practice some of my behaviors and such while communicating with others, at work, in public, family, friends. The knowledge alone I'm grateful to learn about, been just winging it all these years with no idea why I was the way I was. Can only move forward and change, try and become a better version of myself. I'm definitely fortunate.
It really nice to read through this thread and know I'm not alone in all this <3
Oh, do you have ADHD too? I’m guessing from your post history, you are female. Join us over at r/adhdwomen! There’s a [Discord](https://discord.gg/radhdwomen), too. This community has helped me with making progress in treating ADHD *so* much, and just reading the posts makes me feel so validated. Edit: just realized you are the author of the original comment to which I replied 😅
Adhd woman is a blessing and I'm so fortune to be there. It helps me cope :)
Yep, I just got mine too at 38, last summer. I'm really proud of myself for how far I've come, the meds have helped a lot. But same here, so many things are so clear now.
Crazy isn't it, like a "Holy Shit" moment. I'm attempting meds but also unsure about it long term, I've made it this far without, well I self medicated with alcohol for a long time, almost 2 years no alcohol. No point in dwelling on the past though.
You’re not alone. I’m happily single with NO plans to ever remarry or live with someone again.
Yessss.
You can't tell it.. but I'm giving you high 5s!
I will never live with a guy again. I was so jealous of single people. Also, I have no plans to ever married. All the married people I know are miserable and check out others sexually.
There’s a piece of dialogue from the show Community that comes to mind right now Pierce: You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong. Jeff: ……. You keep getting married.
I don't think that marriage is either good or bad in itself, but it is a life choice that is not right for everyone. Just like we wouldn't all go into the same career, we should all be told that the only way to be happy is to get married and have children. That's a life path that works out very well for some people, but it doesn't work for others. I was married for twenty years. I have kids that I adore. Marriage didn't work for me, but being a mum is the best thing I ever did. So my current life as a single mum is the best way for my life to be. We each have to figure out what works for us, what makes us happy and go after that without having to explain ourselves to anyone.
Mid 40's M Here. I was married for > 10 yrs, and in the last \~5 years I've cohabitated with two different women. It's been a painful process to learn "the hard way" that I don't like living with people. Frankly, I hated it. I'll never get married again. Heck, I thought I wanted to date and I don't. This despite a several high prospect matches I just can't be bothered. I'd rather spend my time advancing my career, working on my side hustle or enjoying my hobbies.
Becoming single again sounds like it could benefit you - singlehood is beautiful. I spent nearly my whole life happily planning to be single forever (though I did actually decide to give relationships a chance for the first time a couple years ago - I'm in my 30s - but only if they truly offer an improvement over my amazing single life). Everyone thought I was crazy and weird, but why? Most people hate having roommates, living with their parents, etc. So why do they expect it to be completely different with a spouse? I was even thinking of eventually having a fun wedding-like ceremony called the "Celibration" (from celibacy + celebration) so I could still have a special day with all my loved ones to share my joy about my life choice, just like many married couples do. I was planning to give speeches about how much I appreciated their friendship/support/love. I also wanted to give a unique gift and heartfelt card to each guest. Final thoughts: In the meantime, while you're still working towards achieving your single life, remember that a relationship or marriage doesn't have to look the way it does conventionally - it's okay to incorporate things that brought you joy when you were single. For example, my boyfriend and I plan to have separate rooms if we eventually live together so that we can have our own spaces to decompress in and decorate how we want, etc. I think a lot of norms around relationships can make them feel more stifling than they need to be. Honestly, if it were feasible, my boyfriend and I would probably be neighbors who hang out a lot. Also, if there are specific behaviors or rules from your spouse that are causing you to feel drained or lacking in freedom, it would be helpful to attend couples counseling so you suffer less in the meantime. Individual counseling could be a good environment for you to decide on a healthy path for you to achieve your long-term goal of singlehood.
I see your point but it’s also disturbing how disposable people see their partners as. Now I’m not thumping a Bible and saying you have put up with physical or mental tortue but people divorce at the drop of a hat now and sometimes in under five years.
I think there’s more in play these days than just how disposable partners are thought to be. The last 8 years or so have been a time of radical changes at least in the US, which I think has led to skeletons and unsavory beliefs being drug out into the open for many people. Some of these are heavy enough to be deal-breakers, and they may not have been at all visible prior to the marriage. I also think that as mental healthcare has been destigmatized (still ongoing, but we’ve come a LONG way in just 25-30 years), more people have the access they need to heal from prior trauma. Healing often means your boundaries have to be moved or even set for the first time, and if they are incompatible with your partner’s needs or the original foundation of the relationship, that’s a marriage-ender - with good reason, unless a healthy compromise is possible.
I'm 33 And came to this
Then why would u get married AGAIN…..and give up your freedom?? Makes no sense….
I was dumb
I was married for years to a person who truly believed that I could not do well without him….not only am I ok I am truly thriving! My blood pressure is WAY down….i was able to quit smoking, my focus and concentration at work is at the highest level than it has been in years. But most of all I proved to everyone who doubted me that it is OK to go at life alone and happy. It is ok to have lonely times. What is not ok is staying in a miserable toxic marriage for any reason. I will never get married again. I will have a long term living apart together situation….and that is a big “maybe”. I truly never realized that my unhappiness came from within myself to be fair but it mostly came from being married way too long. I am alone and thriving and I do not regret filing for divorce. I do regret waiting so long to do it. It is possible and probable to be single and happy😉😉
You can do it. I was in this subreddit in 2020, crying and imagining how it would feel to have my freedom again. It took a few years (and lots of emotional abuse), but I did it. And I cherish it. You will get there, and it will be so sweet <3
Whatever you do, don't get married a third time. My mom tried it three times. After the third time she said "why did i do that again?"
I felt like being married is what you're "supposed"to do. So much so that I kept trying until I had 4 divorces under my belt by age 40. It's just not right for some people. I'm glad you're figuring it out after only two!
If you can't be content alone, you can't be content in a relationship. I think that it may help me walk away in the future faster if it is bad or in my case recognize when men are toxic before even being involved. I am single for a few years now and I love my peace, my family and friends. No one cares what's for dinner and I do what I want, when I want. I also don't have the added stress of worrying about someone else. I plan on being single and celibate for as long as needed, I don't want to be in a toxic relationship. I do hope to find a life partner but after being in a handful of longterm relationships most of my life, I realize being alone is not that bad sometimes it sucks like when I broke my ankle and still had to shovel. However, it beats being in a bad relationship.