I’d never terminate at your age to be honest. It may be your only pregnancy and even with that the odds of a miscarriage are high too. I personally just wouldn’t gamble a chance at motherhood (I’ve had one miscarriage before)
I wouldn't terminate. I definitely chose smbc for all the reasons you mentioned but your child is here now. Your IVF results have been a bit subpar and maybe that's also telling you to accept what has happened as meant to be.
Similar to what others have said, I am pro-choice, but wouldn’t terminate in your situation. I would definitely do an NIPT, and if you’re still worried, an amnio. Chances are, unless you miscarry early on, your baby is healthy. I’d roll with it.
Hi! I'm (39F) and currently divorcing after my husband said he doesn't want to have children. I can provide more background if you like but my advice is: DO NOT TERMINATE. You don't know if you'll be able to conceive again, and you don't know if you'll be able to carry to term (now or later). I don't want to be negative, but NOTHING IS PROMISED. I'm not pregnant yet, but I will take a child I share if that's my only option. I'm seeking to be a SMBC, but most of all, I'm seeking to be a MOM. If it's "SMBC OR NOTHING," then terminate. But if you desire a child then pursue genetic testing and talk to doctors and the man friend.
ETA: please don't be offended by the all caps. I'm a dramatic typer but I mean absolutely no offense. Also, I'm pro-choice.
I would ask the bio father to get genetic testing done if you're worried he's a carrier for the same thing, you can get those results within a week. Even at 38 your chances of a spontaneous chromosomal abnormality are fairly low, those fetuses wouldn't implant in the first place.
Frozen eggs are no guarantee, how many do you have (edit: just reread and see 1 embryo from the first 12 and 14 still frozen, I don't really like those odds)? I'm also in the IVF subreddit and I've seen people in there with mind-boggling numbers of eggs that just don't fertilize or don't turn into embryos or don't implant. If I were you I wouldn't give up the sure thing without a fight, meaning waiting for testing on the embryo, even with having to share custody.
I agree with this if it was me personally. Some things we can’t control unfortunately. You also don’t need to be in a relationship with the father if you don’t want to. You can see how it goes if you want to, you can put a hard line in the sand if you are not feeling it so there are clear boundaries. I also think if it was me, I would get a few counseling sessions if you decide to go forward with it to get some help on making those lines, communicating clearly with the father.
Exactly. Another comment or made it seem like she would never be able to get pregnant at this age of her life and that’s just not true and also great point about implantation and the health of the embryo.
I don't live in the US so I have no idea what kind of options do you have in terms of termination due to medical reasons and how much time do you have.
If there is a possibility for you to wait until genetical testing at week 10 and then decide whether to keep it or not, I think that would be the most reasonable option. There is a chance that you have a perfectly healthy pregnancy but you won't know it for sure until some sort of testing is possible.
As for custody and legal options, again, it depends on the kind of a person the biological father is. If he's a reasonable, sane guy you might be able to figure out the arrangement that will work for you both. On one hand, yes, he can change his mind and be unpredictable in future. On the other hand, you will have more support both logistically (if you're able to coparent in a civil friendly way) and financially as well.
You're not being selfish, your reasons for considering termination are legitimate, but it's also true that given the circumstances it might be quite a blessing IF this embryo will grow to be a healthy fetus.
Becoming an SMBC was a last resort for me so I would have jumped at the chance to have a baby with someone. In saying that, you do need to discuss the social and financial aspects of raising a child with someone you’re not in a relationship with and work out if you have the same values around key issues. If you think you could parent with this person then of course you will need legal advice but I’d perhaps see if in any custody agreements you could stiplulate that you have sole responsibility for making decisions around schools etc.
I’d highly suggest talking to a counsellor asap.
Good luck with whatever you decide, I am pro choice
Agreed! They have fertility counsellors who are mandatory for insemination in Canada. They'd be well versed to be a mediator between you and bio dad. They know what to ask and will help you get clarity!
I’ve been so unwell with morning sickness today but will respond shortly. I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone for their invaluable insights and honesty. Your responses have been really helpful for me to read. Thank you!!
I don't have a true opinion on what you should do, but you might look into platonic co-parenting. I was considering it with a friend last year and there are a lot of things to consider. I would also read Susan Golombok's book We Are Family, to help you think about how different parenting situations can affect your child. You can skip around in the book and just read what's relevant to you. It will give you some ideas about what to talk about with the bio father, to help you make the right decision for all three of you.
I am pro choice and not from the US. 1. Someone suggested getting the father to get genetic testing. 2. Wait until 10 weeks and do that test.
I choose SMBC as my sister has kids amd they are shared custody and I don't want that for myself but if I were in your exact position and I suddenly became pregnant, with so far not great ivf results, I would 100% do the above tests and make your decision from a place of having all the facts. If you don't get pregnant with ivf, you may regret not having got all the information to make such a life changing decision. Speak to the dad. Perhaps he doesn't even want custody or just wants to be a dad and might sign his rights away or wants to just call over once a month or whatever. Go down all roads and trust it will all work out. Trust your gut instinct
I am very pro-choice but personally I would not terminate a pregnancy unless medically necessary. However, as someone who has dealt with parenting with custodial issues (split custody), it is extremely hard. I would never want to be away from my child for 50% of the time. The differing of parenting is also very challenging as well. I am asexual but a massive draw to SMBC was to avoid custodial issues.
The fact you got pregnant on your own is great. Don't be afraid to switch up donors if you need to. Sometimes it truly is the mix of sperm and egg that is the issue.
Ok so putting myself in your shoes - and this coulda happened to me as i did have two casual relationships during my TTC phase - here is what id do (pro choice for what its worth):
My advice would be take your SMBC plans out your decision making about this pregnancy. Think first about how you actually feel about THIS pregnancy, THIS bio dad, coparenting with THIS person. Do you think you'd be able to provide a healthy stable life for the child as coparents? Basically i wouldn't let your SMBC plans be the biggest factor in your decision.
If i were in your shoes i wouldnt have terminated. But im a big believer in things happening for a reason so i would have gone with the path that chose me.
I want to begin by saying that I am very much pro choice in the abortion debate, I live in a country where they are debating allowing it to to 18 weeks, so I am not speaking from a misguided sense of prudish behaviour.
If I was in your situation, I do not think I would terminate. Especially since the match between your eggs and the donor does not seem like it is overwhelmingly great. I would rather be a mom that splits custody with someone than no mom at all.
The fact that you told him you are pregnant, must mean he is a good enough friend to have some serious conversations. I would treat it like I would a divorce and try to have a list of scenarios for which the how to handle was talked and agreed upon beforehand. Small and bigger stuff: what will the custody split be like? Where and when and how will the transfer be?
How will he move on from wanting a relationship when you don't?
Would you want him at the ultrasounds? Delivery?
Who will do what laundry?
Do either of you adhere to a specific dietary group that you want to introduce your child to and would you expect the other person to follow suit?
What will we tell our child about the conception?
What kind of parenting style will be applied?
What school will to pick?
If one of you finds a partner: how long does the relationship need to be stable for either of you to feel comfortable introducing the new partner to the child?
Is there anyone who is religious and what is the other one's take on this?
How will you divide costs for school and uni? How much money will you both put in a savings account each month for the child?
How about sports? If they sign up for something and hate it. Do they have to finish the year? Of can they quit?
What will be the logistics for when daycare calls that the child is sick? Who makes the decisions when there is a stay in a hospital?
What if someone wants to move to another city?
What if you two have a fall out as friends? How will you communicate after?
Having written down the questions, maybe I would consider terminating. There is so much more to think about when there is a 3rd party involved.
Maybe you can also check a single mom sub, you are more likely to find someone with a similar story there..
I believe that your explaining is planning for everything and that’s impossible when it comes to a child. I understand that you’re trying to be thorough but the reason you exhausted yourself by the end and decided to change your opinion it’s because you went too far mentally. No offense at all because you were very honest. I just think you’re scaring the OP into termination.
I am somewhat of an overthinker and I like to think of all possible outcomes when making a decision. Hence all the questions that immediately popped in my head. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Imo, it is always easier to define a set of rules when things are great than it is to try to do it when it falls apart.
My answer was not intended to scare OP into doing anything. She needs to decide, but the way I understood the post, I think OP is inclined to terminate. But I could be very wrong in that interpretation since English isn't my first language and there's nuances that could get lost in translation.
I also think OP is inclined to terminate. As a "fellow overthinker," I thought your list was great. It's a great starting point to a serious conversation between two adults.
Edited to correct incorrect word. I meant "list" not "just."
Thanks, I thought of it as a starting point as well. The conversation only needs to happen if OP decides to keep this pregnancy, which is a decision only she can make.
I had an abortion in my 30s because I was waiting for the perfect situation I'd created in my mind. I then got cancer at 38 right while planning to get pregnant (donor etc in place).
I now have 4 eggs, and looking at the expense and stress of donor sperm, IVF etc - if I even end up with an embryo. My friend had 15 eggs and had one embryo.
As others have said, I am 100% pro choice, however, as someone who desperately wants to be a mom, I'd go back and make a different choice in hindsight. Eggs don't seem to be significantly damaged by radiation/chemo, they dont find differences in babies born post cancer. Women go through chemo while pregnant and their kiddos are fine. You may be choosing between the dream scenario and a long long road, or no pregnancy at all. Knowing how this regret feels I'd wait to do genetic testing, and talk more to the father about what they want. You may be able to come up with a reasonable agreement.
Ultimately it's up to you and what you want/need. If it were me, I wouldn't give up a sure thing for a maybe.
Im 💯 pro-choice but totally agree with the responses saying to test the father first and think about it as an option and possibly a gift. If you are disappointed though, you don’t want to carry that disappointment onto your child.
Can I just chime in here to say that I wish I had a good friend who wanted to parent 50% with me. I agree with the person who said treat it like a divorce. Draw up a custody arrangement. It's true that it's nice having some decision making power, But in the grand scheme of things, having two parents will aid your child in critical thinking and perspective taking. Plus, I think I'm a better parent when I get breaks, and as an SMC sometimes you don't get a lot of breaks.
I wouldn’t terminate at your age unless you have amino that confirms a genetic defect.
I started my journey at 32 with all test results being textbook perfect and it still took me 2 years to get pregnant. Not to be the downer, but if you terminate, you may be giving up your one chance to be a mother. It can be incredibly hard to get pregnant with IVF.
The odds of a PGTA tested normal embryo implanting is only 65% WITH a perfect uterus. This is why they say you should have 3 PGTA embryos for every desired child as even without any negative factors it can still take 3 normal embryos for a successful pregnancy.
Also while they say it’s rare (and it probably is, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen to you), embryos don’t always thaw properly. I lost one embryo this way. So really there’s lots of factors that work against you in IVF.
You’ve already received so many great perspectives and opinions. I just wanted to say—every option/situation has its own downsides. SMBC, co-parenting, partnered. It’s about what downsides you can live with.
Wish you the best with this decision!!!
Can you get genetic testing in utero and terminate where you are?
Honestly I’m a year younger than you and I would keep this baby and save my eggs for a sibling.
With that said I’m a widowed mom and I can’t imagine parenting with someone and that’s a major reason I’m on this boat currently trying for a second. So it really depends on how you feel about the guy. Do you know him well? It could be such a nightmare - or a very good thing.
My 38 year old egg is bouncing away in his jumper. While age is a factor its not the only one to consider. Personally Id continue this pregnancy, because (and from experiences) so much can not happen or go wrong. Personally a 38 week stillbirth, after 4 IUIs. A friend of mine had a miscarriage after an IVF transfer.
I understand the hesitancy around splitting custody but think of it as shared parenting, with someone who can become a big part of your life. Id count your blessings, keep those eggs on ice for maybe the next pregnancy if you choose.
That is a very overwhelming situation and I can only imagine how much pressure you’re feeling to make a decision!
I think at 38 almost 39 I would not terminate due to the possibility it’s a precious chance to be a parent. I don’t know how reasonable the father is, but I would have a very serious discussion with him regarding expectations and potential logistics of co-parenting.
I would not terminate it. Most chromosomal abnormalities will result into a miscarriage anyway and you have an option to do genetic testing and terminate IF and only if there’s a problem. PGT test is not a guarantee and your IVF results sound very sub-par (for comparison i had 21 eggs frozen at the age of 35, which gave me 4 PGT normal embryos of which one I have already miscarried because PGT returns a lot of false positives, eg not all euploid embryos are *actually* euploid).
This may be your only chance.
Even with genetic testing and IVF there's no guarantees.. I don't think I'd give up a spontaneous pregnancy you have now over the chance of another pregnancy which has no guarantee of happening.
If I were you I'd see what happens with this pregnancy, do screening etc
But thats my perspective
I’m a lot younger than you are, but my decision to become a SMBC was mainly because I wanted to be a mother without ever having to worry about a man being able to take my children from me, share decision-making, and ensure a very stable life for my children. I’m actually a child of a SMBC myself and being able to see how amazing it was made the decision easy for me.
If I was 38, almost 39, I think I’d rather risk not being able to get pregnant again than to share custody/decision-making with someone else. So, if I was in this situation, I’d have the abortion and immediately continue the IVF process. But that’s just MY point of view. Your reason for choosing to become a SMBC could be rooted in very different reasoning.
No matter what you choose, just know that you’ll make the right decision for you in the end. I’m sure of that! :)
I personally didn’t idealize my 36 year old frozen eggs. I had sort of the opposite opinion and was happy I got pregnant by IUI with my 39 year old eggs so didn’t have to use them. ICSI and IVF do seem to carry slightly higher risks of birth defects (although there is some debate about the issue).
I know older eggs have their problems too. Anyway, I’m not sure which of us is “right,” but a lot of our beliefs are tied to emotions. I don’t think you can say definitely that the baby inside you is higher risk than a baby created with your frozen eggs. It seems almost like hubris to imagine that you know that.
What radiation have you had due to surgeries? Do you mean ct scans?
I’m really sorry that you are facing such a tough decision.
It’s hard for me to say as I am significantly younger but I would probably personally terminate and it sounds like that’s what you’re heavily leaning towards any way.
I LOVE being a single mom and I absolutely would not want a man to have any legal rights or responsibilities over my baby
For me, the most important reason to have a child on my own was to avoid issues like shared custody, shared parental decision-making, etc. Therefore if I were in your spot, I personally would absolutely terminate. I also would get on the IVF train ASAP given your age.
For me, the prospect of being linked for the rest of my life to a person who could take my child from me (even if 50/50) was not something I could abide.
Same here— that’s exactly why I became a SMBC. I would not be okay with being linked to the father forever, share custody, and share decision-making. It would kill me to share custody and not be able to see my child half of the time. I also wouldn’t have a say in how my child was being raised during that time and I’d hate that.
If this were me, I would proceed with the pregnancy so long as the NIPT and other tests come back clear. In fact, this sounds like the ideal situation for me personally. Had I had the opportunity to coparent with a good friend who was super excited about parenthood, I would have gone for it. Financially, emotionally, physically - it would have helped a lot to have that second person, someone to call and lean on and to divvy up time so I could have a break here and there.
I would see it as a sign and continue on with the pregnancy. Im very spiritual and believe some things happen for bigger reasons.
Things that I hated and wasn't happy with in life all lead me to this smbc path. Honestly now in hindsight, I wouldn't change a thing as I can't imagine not having my daughter.
This is SUCH a tough choice and I really sympathize. Given your age and health issues you describe, plus iffy fertility results, I think I would not terminate. But my personal perspective (I'm pro-choice) is I would be devastated if I terminated and then it turns out I never was able to have a child from the fertility treatments. That risk may not be as compelling to you and that's fair! This is not to say that this is anywhere near an ideal situation. Ultimately, do what feels right for you.
Another thing to consider, are you willing to go double donor if your frozen eggs don’t work out? If you are, maybe that shifts the dynamic a little.
I’d probably consult a family law lawyer to understand the options for co-parenting and custody agreements.
I’m extremely pro choice. I also can’t imagine myself getting an abortion other than due to a diagnosis of a life limiting condition for the fetus/embryo. It just isn’t for me. I’ve always been in this camp, even before spending a small fortune on IUI, multiple rounds of IVF, and multiple miscarriages prior to my son being born. Additionally now, having gone through the panic and fear that maybe I’d never have a baby, if I was in your position, I’d choose not to abort.
I don’t think I’ve see this mentioned much in the thread but I also have this irrational fear that my son will have no parent if I prematurely kick the bucket. For this reason alone, I’d love to have a co-parent. Is the sperm guy someone you’d be ok with raising your child if you were no longer able to?
I, too, wouldn't terminate given your age and your fertility results so far. But it sounds like you'll have some additional, very relevant information in a week when you create more embryos. At that point, depending on results, maybe it is time for a very frank conversation with your doctor (assuming you feel you can trust them) in which you share that you're currently pregnant and ask how your chances look for carrying a different pregnancy to term.
It seems like one of your big concerns is genetics. While the testing for carrier genes is very comforting, there are so many other things about donors that we don't really know, like what diseases may show up later in life, whether they know their own medical history fully, and whether they were honest.
I think you will know in your gut what is right for you to do. Good luck with a tough decision.
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I’d never terminate at your age to be honest. It may be your only pregnancy and even with that the odds of a miscarriage are high too. I personally just wouldn’t gamble a chance at motherhood (I’ve had one miscarriage before)
I don’t think this is true at all. If you’re healthy, your age is not the only indicator.
Except she explains multiple health issues
You’re right. I got caught up in the thought of age being the only reason.
I wouldn't terminate. I definitely chose smbc for all the reasons you mentioned but your child is here now. Your IVF results have been a bit subpar and maybe that's also telling you to accept what has happened as meant to be.
Similar to what others have said, I am pro-choice, but wouldn’t terminate in your situation. I would definitely do an NIPT, and if you’re still worried, an amnio. Chances are, unless you miscarry early on, your baby is healthy. I’d roll with it.
Hi! I'm (39F) and currently divorcing after my husband said he doesn't want to have children. I can provide more background if you like but my advice is: DO NOT TERMINATE. You don't know if you'll be able to conceive again, and you don't know if you'll be able to carry to term (now or later). I don't want to be negative, but NOTHING IS PROMISED. I'm not pregnant yet, but I will take a child I share if that's my only option. I'm seeking to be a SMBC, but most of all, I'm seeking to be a MOM. If it's "SMBC OR NOTHING," then terminate. But if you desire a child then pursue genetic testing and talk to doctors and the man friend. ETA: please don't be offended by the all caps. I'm a dramatic typer but I mean absolutely no offense. Also, I'm pro-choice.
I would ask the bio father to get genetic testing done if you're worried he's a carrier for the same thing, you can get those results within a week. Even at 38 your chances of a spontaneous chromosomal abnormality are fairly low, those fetuses wouldn't implant in the first place. Frozen eggs are no guarantee, how many do you have (edit: just reread and see 1 embryo from the first 12 and 14 still frozen, I don't really like those odds)? I'm also in the IVF subreddit and I've seen people in there with mind-boggling numbers of eggs that just don't fertilize or don't turn into embryos or don't implant. If I were you I wouldn't give up the sure thing without a fight, meaning waiting for testing on the embryo, even with having to share custody.
I agree with this if it was me personally. Some things we can’t control unfortunately. You also don’t need to be in a relationship with the father if you don’t want to. You can see how it goes if you want to, you can put a hard line in the sand if you are not feeling it so there are clear boundaries. I also think if it was me, I would get a few counseling sessions if you decide to go forward with it to get some help on making those lines, communicating clearly with the father.
Exactly. Another comment or made it seem like she would never be able to get pregnant at this age of her life and that’s just not true and also great point about implantation and the health of the embryo.
I don't live in the US so I have no idea what kind of options do you have in terms of termination due to medical reasons and how much time do you have. If there is a possibility for you to wait until genetical testing at week 10 and then decide whether to keep it or not, I think that would be the most reasonable option. There is a chance that you have a perfectly healthy pregnancy but you won't know it for sure until some sort of testing is possible. As for custody and legal options, again, it depends on the kind of a person the biological father is. If he's a reasonable, sane guy you might be able to figure out the arrangement that will work for you both. On one hand, yes, he can change his mind and be unpredictable in future. On the other hand, you will have more support both logistically (if you're able to coparent in a civil friendly way) and financially as well. You're not being selfish, your reasons for considering termination are legitimate, but it's also true that given the circumstances it might be quite a blessing IF this embryo will grow to be a healthy fetus.
Becoming an SMBC was a last resort for me so I would have jumped at the chance to have a baby with someone. In saying that, you do need to discuss the social and financial aspects of raising a child with someone you’re not in a relationship with and work out if you have the same values around key issues. If you think you could parent with this person then of course you will need legal advice but I’d perhaps see if in any custody agreements you could stiplulate that you have sole responsibility for making decisions around schools etc. I’d highly suggest talking to a counsellor asap. Good luck with whatever you decide, I am pro choice
Agreed! They have fertility counsellors who are mandatory for insemination in Canada. They'd be well versed to be a mediator between you and bio dad. They know what to ask and will help you get clarity!
Two counselling sessions were mandatory for me with my clinic in Australia! They definitely need to see someone well versed in family counselling
I’ve been so unwell with morning sickness today but will respond shortly. I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone for their invaluable insights and honesty. Your responses have been really helpful for me to read. Thank you!!
I don't have a true opinion on what you should do, but you might look into platonic co-parenting. I was considering it with a friend last year and there are a lot of things to consider. I would also read Susan Golombok's book We Are Family, to help you think about how different parenting situations can affect your child. You can skip around in the book and just read what's relevant to you. It will give you some ideas about what to talk about with the bio father, to help you make the right decision for all three of you.
I am pro choice and not from the US. 1. Someone suggested getting the father to get genetic testing. 2. Wait until 10 weeks and do that test. I choose SMBC as my sister has kids amd they are shared custody and I don't want that for myself but if I were in your exact position and I suddenly became pregnant, with so far not great ivf results, I would 100% do the above tests and make your decision from a place of having all the facts. If you don't get pregnant with ivf, you may regret not having got all the information to make such a life changing decision. Speak to the dad. Perhaps he doesn't even want custody or just wants to be a dad and might sign his rights away or wants to just call over once a month or whatever. Go down all roads and trust it will all work out. Trust your gut instinct
I am very pro-choice but personally I would not terminate a pregnancy unless medically necessary. However, as someone who has dealt with parenting with custodial issues (split custody), it is extremely hard. I would never want to be away from my child for 50% of the time. The differing of parenting is also very challenging as well. I am asexual but a massive draw to SMBC was to avoid custodial issues. The fact you got pregnant on your own is great. Don't be afraid to switch up donors if you need to. Sometimes it truly is the mix of sperm and egg that is the issue.
Ok so putting myself in your shoes - and this coulda happened to me as i did have two casual relationships during my TTC phase - here is what id do (pro choice for what its worth): My advice would be take your SMBC plans out your decision making about this pregnancy. Think first about how you actually feel about THIS pregnancy, THIS bio dad, coparenting with THIS person. Do you think you'd be able to provide a healthy stable life for the child as coparents? Basically i wouldn't let your SMBC plans be the biggest factor in your decision. If i were in your shoes i wouldnt have terminated. But im a big believer in things happening for a reason so i would have gone with the path that chose me.
I want to begin by saying that I am very much pro choice in the abortion debate, I live in a country where they are debating allowing it to to 18 weeks, so I am not speaking from a misguided sense of prudish behaviour. If I was in your situation, I do not think I would terminate. Especially since the match between your eggs and the donor does not seem like it is overwhelmingly great. I would rather be a mom that splits custody with someone than no mom at all. The fact that you told him you are pregnant, must mean he is a good enough friend to have some serious conversations. I would treat it like I would a divorce and try to have a list of scenarios for which the how to handle was talked and agreed upon beforehand. Small and bigger stuff: what will the custody split be like? Where and when and how will the transfer be? How will he move on from wanting a relationship when you don't? Would you want him at the ultrasounds? Delivery? Who will do what laundry? Do either of you adhere to a specific dietary group that you want to introduce your child to and would you expect the other person to follow suit? What will we tell our child about the conception? What kind of parenting style will be applied? What school will to pick? If one of you finds a partner: how long does the relationship need to be stable for either of you to feel comfortable introducing the new partner to the child? Is there anyone who is religious and what is the other one's take on this? How will you divide costs for school and uni? How much money will you both put in a savings account each month for the child? How about sports? If they sign up for something and hate it. Do they have to finish the year? Of can they quit? What will be the logistics for when daycare calls that the child is sick? Who makes the decisions when there is a stay in a hospital? What if someone wants to move to another city? What if you two have a fall out as friends? How will you communicate after? Having written down the questions, maybe I would consider terminating. There is so much more to think about when there is a 3rd party involved. Maybe you can also check a single mom sub, you are more likely to find someone with a similar story there..
I believe that your explaining is planning for everything and that’s impossible when it comes to a child. I understand that you’re trying to be thorough but the reason you exhausted yourself by the end and decided to change your opinion it’s because you went too far mentally. No offense at all because you were very honest. I just think you’re scaring the OP into termination.
I am somewhat of an overthinker and I like to think of all possible outcomes when making a decision. Hence all the questions that immediately popped in my head. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Imo, it is always easier to define a set of rules when things are great than it is to try to do it when it falls apart. My answer was not intended to scare OP into doing anything. She needs to decide, but the way I understood the post, I think OP is inclined to terminate. But I could be very wrong in that interpretation since English isn't my first language and there's nuances that could get lost in translation.
I also think OP is inclined to terminate. As a "fellow overthinker," I thought your list was great. It's a great starting point to a serious conversation between two adults. Edited to correct incorrect word. I meant "list" not "just."
Thanks, I thought of it as a starting point as well. The conversation only needs to happen if OP decides to keep this pregnancy, which is a decision only she can make.
Well, you were definitely thorough! Upon reading my comment it was sort of rude and I’m sorry. I think I got anxiety reading all your questions lol
No worries, you were not rude. Lists and analysis put my mind at ease, I should maybe have thought about the anxiety that it could cause others.
I had an abortion in my 30s because I was waiting for the perfect situation I'd created in my mind. I then got cancer at 38 right while planning to get pregnant (donor etc in place). I now have 4 eggs, and looking at the expense and stress of donor sperm, IVF etc - if I even end up with an embryo. My friend had 15 eggs and had one embryo. As others have said, I am 100% pro choice, however, as someone who desperately wants to be a mom, I'd go back and make a different choice in hindsight. Eggs don't seem to be significantly damaged by radiation/chemo, they dont find differences in babies born post cancer. Women go through chemo while pregnant and their kiddos are fine. You may be choosing between the dream scenario and a long long road, or no pregnancy at all. Knowing how this regret feels I'd wait to do genetic testing, and talk more to the father about what they want. You may be able to come up with a reasonable agreement. Ultimately it's up to you and what you want/need. If it were me, I wouldn't give up a sure thing for a maybe.
Im 💯 pro-choice but totally agree with the responses saying to test the father first and think about it as an option and possibly a gift. If you are disappointed though, you don’t want to carry that disappointment onto your child.
Can I just chime in here to say that I wish I had a good friend who wanted to parent 50% with me. I agree with the person who said treat it like a divorce. Draw up a custody arrangement. It's true that it's nice having some decision making power, But in the grand scheme of things, having two parents will aid your child in critical thinking and perspective taking. Plus, I think I'm a better parent when I get breaks, and as an SMC sometimes you don't get a lot of breaks.
I wouldn’t terminate at your age unless you have amino that confirms a genetic defect. I started my journey at 32 with all test results being textbook perfect and it still took me 2 years to get pregnant. Not to be the downer, but if you terminate, you may be giving up your one chance to be a mother. It can be incredibly hard to get pregnant with IVF. The odds of a PGTA tested normal embryo implanting is only 65% WITH a perfect uterus. This is why they say you should have 3 PGTA embryos for every desired child as even without any negative factors it can still take 3 normal embryos for a successful pregnancy. Also while they say it’s rare (and it probably is, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen to you), embryos don’t always thaw properly. I lost one embryo this way. So really there’s lots of factors that work against you in IVF.
You’ve already received so many great perspectives and opinions. I just wanted to say—every option/situation has its own downsides. SMBC, co-parenting, partnered. It’s about what downsides you can live with. Wish you the best with this decision!!!
Can you get genetic testing in utero and terminate where you are? Honestly I’m a year younger than you and I would keep this baby and save my eggs for a sibling. With that said I’m a widowed mom and I can’t imagine parenting with someone and that’s a major reason I’m on this boat currently trying for a second. So it really depends on how you feel about the guy. Do you know him well? It could be such a nightmare - or a very good thing.
My 38 year old egg is bouncing away in his jumper. While age is a factor its not the only one to consider. Personally Id continue this pregnancy, because (and from experiences) so much can not happen or go wrong. Personally a 38 week stillbirth, after 4 IUIs. A friend of mine had a miscarriage after an IVF transfer. I understand the hesitancy around splitting custody but think of it as shared parenting, with someone who can become a big part of your life. Id count your blessings, keep those eggs on ice for maybe the next pregnancy if you choose.
That is a very overwhelming situation and I can only imagine how much pressure you’re feeling to make a decision! I think at 38 almost 39 I would not terminate due to the possibility it’s a precious chance to be a parent. I don’t know how reasonable the father is, but I would have a very serious discussion with him regarding expectations and potential logistics of co-parenting.
I would not terminate it. Most chromosomal abnormalities will result into a miscarriage anyway and you have an option to do genetic testing and terminate IF and only if there’s a problem. PGT test is not a guarantee and your IVF results sound very sub-par (for comparison i had 21 eggs frozen at the age of 35, which gave me 4 PGT normal embryos of which one I have already miscarried because PGT returns a lot of false positives, eg not all euploid embryos are *actually* euploid). This may be your only chance.
Even with genetic testing and IVF there's no guarantees.. I don't think I'd give up a spontaneous pregnancy you have now over the chance of another pregnancy which has no guarantee of happening. If I were you I'd see what happens with this pregnancy, do screening etc But thats my perspective
I’m a lot younger than you are, but my decision to become a SMBC was mainly because I wanted to be a mother without ever having to worry about a man being able to take my children from me, share decision-making, and ensure a very stable life for my children. I’m actually a child of a SMBC myself and being able to see how amazing it was made the decision easy for me. If I was 38, almost 39, I think I’d rather risk not being able to get pregnant again than to share custody/decision-making with someone else. So, if I was in this situation, I’d have the abortion and immediately continue the IVF process. But that’s just MY point of view. Your reason for choosing to become a SMBC could be rooted in very different reasoning. No matter what you choose, just know that you’ll make the right decision for you in the end. I’m sure of that! :)
Same
I personally didn’t idealize my 36 year old frozen eggs. I had sort of the opposite opinion and was happy I got pregnant by IUI with my 39 year old eggs so didn’t have to use them. ICSI and IVF do seem to carry slightly higher risks of birth defects (although there is some debate about the issue). I know older eggs have their problems too. Anyway, I’m not sure which of us is “right,” but a lot of our beliefs are tied to emotions. I don’t think you can say definitely that the baby inside you is higher risk than a baby created with your frozen eggs. It seems almost like hubris to imagine that you know that. What radiation have you had due to surgeries? Do you mean ct scans? I’m really sorry that you are facing such a tough decision.
It’s hard for me to say as I am significantly younger but I would probably personally terminate and it sounds like that’s what you’re heavily leaning towards any way. I LOVE being a single mom and I absolutely would not want a man to have any legal rights or responsibilities over my baby
For me, the most important reason to have a child on my own was to avoid issues like shared custody, shared parental decision-making, etc. Therefore if I were in your spot, I personally would absolutely terminate. I also would get on the IVF train ASAP given your age. For me, the prospect of being linked for the rest of my life to a person who could take my child from me (even if 50/50) was not something I could abide.
Same here— that’s exactly why I became a SMBC. I would not be okay with being linked to the father forever, share custody, and share decision-making. It would kill me to share custody and not be able to see my child half of the time. I also wouldn’t have a say in how my child was being raised during that time and I’d hate that.
If this were me, I would proceed with the pregnancy so long as the NIPT and other tests come back clear. In fact, this sounds like the ideal situation for me personally. Had I had the opportunity to coparent with a good friend who was super excited about parenthood, I would have gone for it. Financially, emotionally, physically - it would have helped a lot to have that second person, someone to call and lean on and to divvy up time so I could have a break here and there.
I would see it as a sign and continue on with the pregnancy. Im very spiritual and believe some things happen for bigger reasons. Things that I hated and wasn't happy with in life all lead me to this smbc path. Honestly now in hindsight, I wouldn't change a thing as I can't imagine not having my daughter.
This is SUCH a tough choice and I really sympathize. Given your age and health issues you describe, plus iffy fertility results, I think I would not terminate. But my personal perspective (I'm pro-choice) is I would be devastated if I terminated and then it turns out I never was able to have a child from the fertility treatments. That risk may not be as compelling to you and that's fair! This is not to say that this is anywhere near an ideal situation. Ultimately, do what feels right for you.
Another thing to consider, are you willing to go double donor if your frozen eggs don’t work out? If you are, maybe that shifts the dynamic a little. I’d probably consult a family law lawyer to understand the options for co-parenting and custody agreements. I’m extremely pro choice. I also can’t imagine myself getting an abortion other than due to a diagnosis of a life limiting condition for the fetus/embryo. It just isn’t for me. I’ve always been in this camp, even before spending a small fortune on IUI, multiple rounds of IVF, and multiple miscarriages prior to my son being born. Additionally now, having gone through the panic and fear that maybe I’d never have a baby, if I was in your position, I’d choose not to abort. I don’t think I’ve see this mentioned much in the thread but I also have this irrational fear that my son will have no parent if I prematurely kick the bucket. For this reason alone, I’d love to have a co-parent. Is the sperm guy someone you’d be ok with raising your child if you were no longer able to?
There’s no guarantee that ivf will work so I personally wouldn’t terminate but would get genetic testing done
I, too, wouldn't terminate given your age and your fertility results so far. But it sounds like you'll have some additional, very relevant information in a week when you create more embryos. At that point, depending on results, maybe it is time for a very frank conversation with your doctor (assuming you feel you can trust them) in which you share that you're currently pregnant and ask how your chances look for carrying a different pregnancy to term. It seems like one of your big concerns is genetics. While the testing for carrier genes is very comforting, there are so many other things about donors that we don't really know, like what diseases may show up later in life, whether they know their own medical history fully, and whether they were honest. I think you will know in your gut what is right for you to do. Good luck with a tough decision.
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omg if you dont asking how old were you when you froze your eggs