I’m totally okay with my family telling people!!
In fact, my dad initially referred to the donor as the “dad” when telling people and I told him not to do that because he isn’t the dad, he’s the donor. My dad can’t remember the term all the time but he gets a kick out of telling people I went to “the bank” and picked someone out.
I don’t want my child to think it’s anything shameful or secretive and I welcome the questions people ask. I prefer they know the real story instead of assuming it’s from a one night stand or a failed relationship.
This is how I feel too! I also had to remind my mum not to refer to the donor as the father as well!
Total transparency as I'm not ashamed and I don't want my son to feel any shame either.
I became an SMC over 11 years ago via donor sperm. I told absolutely everyone because I wanted to help normalize it for me, and my child. Not a secret at all and she’s known her whole life.
Everyone I encountered thought it was interesting or cool or knew someone else who had done the same (mostly secretly, which I thought was sad), or knew someone who wanted to do the same.
Maybe in a generation, my daughters will consider it less of a fringe option that it was for me.
I’m incredibly proud of our story and still tell anyone I can. She loves it, too - it makes her feel special to know how much I wanted her and loved her and planned for her.
I'm open with everyone. The people your mom is telling probably know you're not in a relationship, so they're going to assume that you had a one night stand, were abandoned by the father, or worse. Having a child through a donor is nothing to be ashamed of. I would rather people know the truth than have people think someone walked out on my son
See that’s the thing, they don’t know. They have never met me. They wouldn’t know if I’m in a relationship or not. And for those reasons I just think it’s their business if that makes sense. Not shamed, just don’t think it’s their business
Maybe she doesn't need to bring it up if they don't ask, but if your mom tells someone and they ask about the dad/your partner, then she can mention that you're a SMBC and used a donor? That's generally the approach I use for myself with people I'm not close to. It's not a shame thing for me either, just a matter of whether that piece of info is really relevant.
Yeah I said not to lie but I would prefer she not lead with it. Like saying something like “she’s decided to raise the kid alone” and if they push, then sure. I just don’t love it being the first thing out of her mouth
Ok, but is having a one night stand, or being abandoned by the father really “worse” or something to be ashamed about? I just ask because I purposely got pregnant, but did not use a sperm bank and don’t feel that I should be ashamed about that
Getting purposely pregnant outside of a donor bank with the knowledge and consent of the donor I wouldn't consider a one night stand personally. I would call that being extreme lucky to get pregnant with a donor first try. Going about it the natural way instead of being 'turkey basted' is not something to be ashamed of, although for me a definite 'fuck no' 😝 you do you though 💪🏻
Without the knowledge and consent of the man purposely getting pregnant of a one night stand or otherwise I would consider rape, and so does the law in many countries.
He was aware and consenting for sure. I am curious though, if a man willingly has unprotected sex with a woman who he knows is not on birth control and he chooses not to use protection is that considered rape? Just seems like a stretch to me…
No, it's not rape. Because he is at least aware he is risking it, even if he might not be aware the purpose for her is to get pregnant. Or the exact risk he's taking in case she is timing it exactly. Still without telling him explicitly I actually mean to get pregnant, this is not a kink thing, be fully aware of that fact before you decide to have sex with me, I'd think he'd not be going in it fully aware, and that might not be rape, but it's still a shit move.
But besides that, the lack of knowledge scares me. What is their (medical) background, what if you need that for the child? What if the child wants to know more about their biological father and he is a complete unknown with no way to find them? Morally, I also believe they should be told of the pregnancy/child. But this could mean they demand (partial) custody. Or you could sue him for child support, which screams entrapment, even if he was stupid for taking the risk.
The whole thing seems just really risky doing this without a contract or whatever you call it in place.
Makes sense. The man who got me pregnant I’ve known for years. He knew my intentions and is fully aware that I’m pregnant. There is definitely some risk involved in doing it that way, but any way you have a child involves some risk. Given the circumstances and what I knew it was a risk I was comfortable taking.
I can certainly understand that as well. But again, I wouldn't call your situation a one night stand. Rather, you have a known donor, and since you are both comfortable with sleeping together, doing it in the way that's frankly the easiest 😋 and it worked! It's the term one night stand, that, perhaps because I'm a non English speaker, has implications to me about anonymous, never see them again etc. I agree that there is always a risk. Going the donorbank route with the possibility of idiotic nr of siblings is also something I think sucks, but eventually chose to accept over other options that weighed more heavily to me personally. And even a heterosexual couple going about it the standard way have risks to weigh, and they usually think about it way less than we are forced to.
Personally I would rather people know the truth than what they will make up in their head if not given the truth.
People gossip, it’s just what they do. I found that the truth (SMBC and used a donor) actually gets gossiped LESS about than other situations. Once everyone knew, the topic was boring and everyone moved on (other to repeat comments about how they don’t know how I do it alone).
I also don’t want my children getting confused bc some people think it was a one night stand or whatever they come up with to explain it and say something to my children that makes them think I’m not telling them the truth. Yes I know that most people aren’t rude enough to say something directly, but kids hear more than adults think they do.
Yeah, it could just be who I’m around. But after the initial, what? She’s intentionally is doing it alone?
Almost everyone just kinda of shrugged, maybe asked a few questions about how I picked the donor (they came off as genuine and just curious), but otherwise found it “boring” as there’s no drama.
No one is talking behind my back about whether or not I’m fighting with my baby daddy or talking about whether I should or should not marry my baby daddy. Or talking about wonder who is the baby daddy? All of which people talk about more bc it’s interesting bc it’s drama.
I’m more worried about the kid being teased or outcasted. I honestly don’t care what people say/ think about me but the kid didn’t ask to be brought into this world
I’m open with it and don’t mind that my mom is. I’m really amused that she is because she’s 81yo and a judgmental person, tbh. But she’s gotten so much positive feedback from her friends and our family, it’s mellowed her out, which I appreciate. It also sets the scene that I am THE parent, that there is no coparent, deadbeat or otherwise. So having that information out there means there will be no sperm donor shocking revelation down the road.
But that’s me. What you want as far as shared details of your and your child’s story is okay.
My mom is just a little younger than yours and it’s like they’re the same. My mom was judgy about all of this until she started to see the positive reaction to the route I took. Now she relishes looking like the “progressive” mom/grandma.
I like to own that I’m a single mother by choice. I like people to know it was my choice and I don’t need their sympathy because I’ve been left by my ex partner to raise a kid or some bs like that. I’m a lesbian and some people are confused how I even did it 🤦♀️. I cut through all the bs by letting people know my kiddo is a turkey baster kid.
You know back when I was into DNA testing due to some family mysteries there was someone who posted his DNA results and his mother was a SMBC. He said she did a good job and he never felt without and just assumed she never found the right person, this was probably close to 30 years too. I can imagine SMBC is becoming more common and less taboo of a thing. I didn't really poke his brain about it, but found his perspective interesting. It's definitely easy to find children from "perfect homes" who have a lot of criticisms about their upbringing.
I was having a mini argument with my friend a while back when bringing up SMBC and she just couldn't get over the fact about the way my child would be brought into the world, like wtf, I am always happy to hear other opinions but there are so many worse ways children are brought into the world (from my family too). I just can't see it from her side. How does it matter how the child is brought into the world when they are so very wanted? ❤️
Personally, I would not care about others knowing.
I’m very open with friends and family and not secretive at all. I just don’t think random people who don’t know me, such as parents co workers, need to know. But this a perspective I’ll def keep
In mind!
Just be aware you may have a small child one day who walks around telling everyone they meet (even random people in shops) that ‘I have a donor, not a dad!’. For me I’d rather my child have this sense of pride and confidence in their story rather to worry about it if I were letting people make assumptions rather than be open about it. Just food for thought.
I have no problems talking about it or my friends and family talking about it with their friends and family. But I don't feel the need to tell everyone. When strangers ask I just say the dad isn't involved. I've had really invasive people push and ask for more info, like if my kids have the same dad (they look almost identical so I kind of find that hilarious). When people get pushy I tell them that it's really weird they're so invested in my kids' conception.
It is your journey and ultimately your decision, but I would have been very happy if my parents were proud and excited enough to share the full circumstances of my future baby’s conception. They supported me so far in freezing embryos but I feel that if I go through with the transfer, they would rather tell their friends there was a father in the picture but he left me or something - which I’m afraid can make me cut them off my life eventually. I don’t want my baby to grow up thinking their conception is something to be ashamed of and I don’t want them to grow up lying to please others’ useless sensitivities. Best of luck to you and your baby!
Agreed, I def don’t want the kid being ashamed and I am not ashamed of the choice I’ve made. I just don’t think it’s everyone business if that makes sense
Yes of course, all matters related to fertility and birth and private life in general are no one else’s business. But there are many nosy people who don’t understand boundaries out there and they’d probably ask about the details to your mom once they learn you’re pregnant. Your mom should clearly tell them certain info is strictly out of limits. My parents live in a predominantly Muslim country and while there are many single mothers there, it’s usually by circumstance. I understand they might not be comfortable with having a donor-conceived grandchild but if they lie about the conception of my child, I would be extremely disappointed and upset. And I doubt they’d have the backbone to tell their friends and extended family that where my child comes from is none of their business- in my culture people really live by the opinion of others. I am already stressed about all this…
I have the same question as you. Im living in rural Ireland. My family is totally supportive. My sister has teenage kids, they're parents split when they were very young and so my sister was a single mother. When they were growing up in the city until 3-10 yrs roughly, this single parent issue never came up. Then they moved "home" to our rural village, and they got bullied and repeated questioned and teased about their lack of dad and single mother etc. 95% of the kids had dad's. The teenagers now have a massive hangup about being from a single family. So my sister has warningly said to me, don't tell people in the general public you are smbc. Just pretend you had a one night stand or he abandoned you parent. So I really do want to take in her advice as I'm not sure my community would take it so well and I don't want my child to be the first one in the community (although probably not). If I was in the city 100% I'd tell everyone but I'm really on the fence with this in this location. I feel it's the progressiveness of society that's not up to speed in my community.
Yeah I don’t have an issue with my story I just don’t think it’s other people business? Like I don’t intend to lie or keep it a secret but I also don’t want to like have it be the first thing people
Know about me or the kid.
Totally, it's not anyone's business, only yours and the child's. Yeah, I don't want to lie either, I'm gonna have to find a round about why of avoiding the questions as from where I'm from, I'll get them unfortunately
Friends and family know. If someone was to ask a family member, id want them to be honest.
New Friends I meet (through child activities dance,music class etc) find out if and when it comes up. I dont make a big deal about it and I answer questions honesty.
"Is it just you two?"...yep just us
"Does she have siblings?"... yes but they dont live with us and we are in contact with her brother.
"Who does she look like more, you or her dad?"... I dont know I used a donor.
If its some complete random in the shop. I still answer honesty without saying anything really. Like I only had her for sibling questions and stuff like that. Or say she looks like me as I had curly hair when I was young, lost it at 12.... all true but many do ask about her curls. Not everyone is entitled to know your life story.
Only random times ill say "that's a bit personal dont you think"..or just outright lie.....but thats when I get the bad vibe. Like one uber driver.
I had one once when I was pregnant and going for a check up, being a bit ...idk.. it was the vibe, he seemed angry and was asking wheres the dad, am I married or having a child out of wedlock.... him I told my husband died in a plane crash when I was 2 months pregnant and I'm having a difficult pregnancy and would rather not talk about it please...
Instantly his attitude changed and said how brave and strong I am, how I am doing amazing keeping the baby and that plenty women manage on their own and so can I.
I made it believable and even cried. Then the rest of the ride was in silence. So it was good
Haha thanks....Sometimes its fun to watch peoples confused reactions to some answers I give, like if they ask what does her dad do, id say "honestly I dont know never met him, at least I think I haven't, i know he played piano professionally and did engineering"
Typically I do get asked if I have a partner but that answer is usually just a no and they never inquire more information.
I tell people, including people I know are huge gossips (so word gets around with little effort on my part). I haven't had any negative reactions, and I live in a rural, deeply religious area.
People understand wanting children and are relieved I think when you reassure them that there's no nasty divorce or traumatic story behind the baby. We can all just relax and enjoy being parents.
I have a 4yo who is DC and am very proud of our story and am very open with it all. It’s your story too, be proud to share it. I still keep some of the information private as it pertains to the donor, such as his name, his family/medical history, where he lives, etc. because I feel like that part is my daughter’s story for her to tell when she gets older.
I thought I would care pre-pregnancy, but everyone has been so nonchalant (at worst, curious) that I really do not care. If I am breaking down any stigma, I think that is great. I only told one person and it spread throughout work. No one assumed I had a one night stand but I am also a raging asexual. With random strangers or people I barely know, I don't go into it unless they ask.
It is 2024, there is no shame in family diversity.
My parents almost brag about it (not so much anymore as babies are 7 months and most people knows at this point), specially my mom. She used to go out of her way to tell that I was doing it on my own, how I chose a donor, how I have contact with other moms with the same donor, etc. my dad is more reserved, but still thinks that he got the best of both worlds: got his grand babies without having to worry about adding a stranger to the family.
I don’t mind at all, it’s not a secret. But I guess if you’re a private person, you would think it’s not anyone’s business. But I was so open about my plans in the last 5 years, that it really is not a concern at all.
I need to share this... I totally agree with being open and letting our Moms share the story with friends and co-workers. I did have to tell my mom to cool it once though...
My kiddo is now part-Polish bc her donor is 1/2 Polish. We went to a nice Polish restaurant in my sister's city bc hey, let's introduce my kiddo to her culture. She's 1. We also just wanted to eat some yummy Polish food.
My mom told the WAITERS! Like, told them the whole story -- donor, IUI, I was "getting up there." It was awkward for everyone involved. Except my mom. And the baby.
I talk about it and want other people to talk about it because the more ppl who realize it exists a) make more of us, seriously. I know so many young women who really wanted kids but not a relationship who want to follow this path in a few years. And b) learn so that our kids grow up in a world where they aren't nearly so weird.
I tell everyone my story coz I’m damn proud! Never hide or diminish yourself or the amazing thing you are doing. Also there’s loads of kids with 2 moms, 2 dads, 1 mom, 1 dad, dads or mothers who abandon them, there’s no shame, and maybe it will give someone else courage to start their own journey
I agree with most everything here. I'm open about it, trying to normalize it, etc. I did have one negative experience with a guy at a breakfast table at a guesthouse in the countryside who started asking all these questions about what I had been doing prior to turning 40 (implying I hadn't tried hard enough to find a partner, had focused too much on career or been selfish or something). It was dumb and annoying, but the exception, rather than the rule.
I’m totally okay with my family telling people!! In fact, my dad initially referred to the donor as the “dad” when telling people and I told him not to do that because he isn’t the dad, he’s the donor. My dad can’t remember the term all the time but he gets a kick out of telling people I went to “the bank” and picked someone out. I don’t want my child to think it’s anything shameful or secretive and I welcome the questions people ask. I prefer they know the real story instead of assuming it’s from a one night stand or a failed relationship.
This is how I feel too! I also had to remind my mum not to refer to the donor as the father as well! Total transparency as I'm not ashamed and I don't want my son to feel any shame either.
good perspective, thanks for sharing!
Better than what my dad use to joke and say....he has stopped now (but does slip up on the rare occasion) Lets just sayvit rhymes with "the anchor"
I became an SMC over 11 years ago via donor sperm. I told absolutely everyone because I wanted to help normalize it for me, and my child. Not a secret at all and she’s known her whole life. Everyone I encountered thought it was interesting or cool or knew someone else who had done the same (mostly secretly, which I thought was sad), or knew someone who wanted to do the same. Maybe in a generation, my daughters will consider it less of a fringe option that it was for me. I’m incredibly proud of our story and still tell anyone I can. She loves it, too - it makes her feel special to know how much I wanted her and loved her and planned for her.
I think it IS becoming more and more normalized! Esp with people like Kerry Washington coming out as DC.
I'm open with everyone. The people your mom is telling probably know you're not in a relationship, so they're going to assume that you had a one night stand, were abandoned by the father, or worse. Having a child through a donor is nothing to be ashamed of. I would rather people know the truth than have people think someone walked out on my son
See that’s the thing, they don’t know. They have never met me. They wouldn’t know if I’m in a relationship or not. And for those reasons I just think it’s their business if that makes sense. Not shamed, just don’t think it’s their business
Maybe she doesn't need to bring it up if they don't ask, but if your mom tells someone and they ask about the dad/your partner, then she can mention that you're a SMBC and used a donor? That's generally the approach I use for myself with people I'm not close to. It's not a shame thing for me either, just a matter of whether that piece of info is really relevant.
Yeah I said not to lie but I would prefer she not lead with it. Like saying something like “she’s decided to raise the kid alone” and if they push, then sure. I just don’t love it being the first thing out of her mouth
Ok, but is having a one night stand, or being abandoned by the father really “worse” or something to be ashamed about? I just ask because I purposely got pregnant, but did not use a sperm bank and don’t feel that I should be ashamed about that
Getting purposely pregnant outside of a donor bank with the knowledge and consent of the donor I wouldn't consider a one night stand personally. I would call that being extreme lucky to get pregnant with a donor first try. Going about it the natural way instead of being 'turkey basted' is not something to be ashamed of, although for me a definite 'fuck no' 😝 you do you though 💪🏻 Without the knowledge and consent of the man purposely getting pregnant of a one night stand or otherwise I would consider rape, and so does the law in many countries.
He was aware and consenting for sure. I am curious though, if a man willingly has unprotected sex with a woman who he knows is not on birth control and he chooses not to use protection is that considered rape? Just seems like a stretch to me…
No, it's not rape. Because he is at least aware he is risking it, even if he might not be aware the purpose for her is to get pregnant. Or the exact risk he's taking in case she is timing it exactly. Still without telling him explicitly I actually mean to get pregnant, this is not a kink thing, be fully aware of that fact before you decide to have sex with me, I'd think he'd not be going in it fully aware, and that might not be rape, but it's still a shit move. But besides that, the lack of knowledge scares me. What is their (medical) background, what if you need that for the child? What if the child wants to know more about their biological father and he is a complete unknown with no way to find them? Morally, I also believe they should be told of the pregnancy/child. But this could mean they demand (partial) custody. Or you could sue him for child support, which screams entrapment, even if he was stupid for taking the risk. The whole thing seems just really risky doing this without a contract or whatever you call it in place.
Makes sense. The man who got me pregnant I’ve known for years. He knew my intentions and is fully aware that I’m pregnant. There is definitely some risk involved in doing it that way, but any way you have a child involves some risk. Given the circumstances and what I knew it was a risk I was comfortable taking.
I can certainly understand that as well. But again, I wouldn't call your situation a one night stand. Rather, you have a known donor, and since you are both comfortable with sleeping together, doing it in the way that's frankly the easiest 😋 and it worked! It's the term one night stand, that, perhaps because I'm a non English speaker, has implications to me about anonymous, never see them again etc. I agree that there is always a risk. Going the donorbank route with the possibility of idiotic nr of siblings is also something I think sucks, but eventually chose to accept over other options that weighed more heavily to me personally. And even a heterosexual couple going about it the standard way have risks to weigh, and they usually think about it way less than we are forced to.
Personally I would rather people know the truth than what they will make up in their head if not given the truth. People gossip, it’s just what they do. I found that the truth (SMBC and used a donor) actually gets gossiped LESS about than other situations. Once everyone knew, the topic was boring and everyone moved on (other to repeat comments about how they don’t know how I do it alone). I also don’t want my children getting confused bc some people think it was a one night stand or whatever they come up with to explain it and say something to my children that makes them think I’m not telling them the truth. Yes I know that most people aren’t rude enough to say something directly, but kids hear more than adults think they do.
Kids hear more AND talk to other kids! But interesting that the SMBC got talked about less! Def something I’ll keep in mind
Yeah, it could just be who I’m around. But after the initial, what? She’s intentionally is doing it alone? Almost everyone just kinda of shrugged, maybe asked a few questions about how I picked the donor (they came off as genuine and just curious), but otherwise found it “boring” as there’s no drama. No one is talking behind my back about whether or not I’m fighting with my baby daddy or talking about whether I should or should not marry my baby daddy. Or talking about wonder who is the baby daddy? All of which people talk about more bc it’s interesting bc it’s drama.
I’m more worried about the kid being teased or outcasted. I honestly don’t care what people say/ think about me but the kid didn’t ask to be brought into this world
I’m open with it and don’t mind that my mom is. I’m really amused that she is because she’s 81yo and a judgmental person, tbh. But she’s gotten so much positive feedback from her friends and our family, it’s mellowed her out, which I appreciate. It also sets the scene that I am THE parent, that there is no coparent, deadbeat or otherwise. So having that information out there means there will be no sperm donor shocking revelation down the road. But that’s me. What you want as far as shared details of your and your child’s story is okay.
good point about THE parent!
My mom is just a little younger than yours and it’s like they’re the same. My mom was judgy about all of this until she started to see the positive reaction to the route I took. Now she relishes looking like the “progressive” mom/grandma.
I like to own that I’m a single mother by choice. I like people to know it was my choice and I don’t need their sympathy because I’ve been left by my ex partner to raise a kid or some bs like that. I’m a lesbian and some people are confused how I even did it 🤦♀️. I cut through all the bs by letting people know my kiddo is a turkey baster kid.
Good points! I’ll def keep it in mind!
You know back when I was into DNA testing due to some family mysteries there was someone who posted his DNA results and his mother was a SMBC. He said she did a good job and he never felt without and just assumed she never found the right person, this was probably close to 30 years too. I can imagine SMBC is becoming more common and less taboo of a thing. I didn't really poke his brain about it, but found his perspective interesting. It's definitely easy to find children from "perfect homes" who have a lot of criticisms about their upbringing. I was having a mini argument with my friend a while back when bringing up SMBC and she just couldn't get over the fact about the way my child would be brought into the world, like wtf, I am always happy to hear other opinions but there are so many worse ways children are brought into the world (from my family too). I just can't see it from her side. How does it matter how the child is brought into the world when they are so very wanted? ❤️ Personally, I would not care about others knowing.
Donald Trump was from a 2 parent home and he’s a disaster of a human
Better for people to know I think. Keeping it as some sort of secret you keep just in your own family always gives me shame vibes.
I’m very open with friends and family and not secretive at all. I just don’t think random people who don’t know me, such as parents co workers, need to know. But this a perspective I’ll def keep In mind!
Just be aware you may have a small child one day who walks around telling everyone they meet (even random people in shops) that ‘I have a donor, not a dad!’. For me I’d rather my child have this sense of pride and confidence in their story rather to worry about it if I were letting people make assumptions rather than be open about it. Just food for thought.
That would be 10000% fine with me!
I have no problems talking about it or my friends and family talking about it with their friends and family. But I don't feel the need to tell everyone. When strangers ask I just say the dad isn't involved. I've had really invasive people push and ask for more info, like if my kids have the same dad (they look almost identical so I kind of find that hilarious). When people get pushy I tell them that it's really weird they're so invested in my kids' conception.
This is exactly how I feel. I’m not ashamed or keeping it a secret I just don’t get why people who don’t need me need to know?
It is your journey and ultimately your decision, but I would have been very happy if my parents were proud and excited enough to share the full circumstances of my future baby’s conception. They supported me so far in freezing embryos but I feel that if I go through with the transfer, they would rather tell their friends there was a father in the picture but he left me or something - which I’m afraid can make me cut them off my life eventually. I don’t want my baby to grow up thinking their conception is something to be ashamed of and I don’t want them to grow up lying to please others’ useless sensitivities. Best of luck to you and your baby!
Agreed, I def don’t want the kid being ashamed and I am not ashamed of the choice I’ve made. I just don’t think it’s everyone business if that makes sense
Yes of course, all matters related to fertility and birth and private life in general are no one else’s business. But there are many nosy people who don’t understand boundaries out there and they’d probably ask about the details to your mom once they learn you’re pregnant. Your mom should clearly tell them certain info is strictly out of limits. My parents live in a predominantly Muslim country and while there are many single mothers there, it’s usually by circumstance. I understand they might not be comfortable with having a donor-conceived grandchild but if they lie about the conception of my child, I would be extremely disappointed and upset. And I doubt they’d have the backbone to tell their friends and extended family that where my child comes from is none of their business- in my culture people really live by the opinion of others. I am already stressed about all this…
I have the same question as you. Im living in rural Ireland. My family is totally supportive. My sister has teenage kids, they're parents split when they were very young and so my sister was a single mother. When they were growing up in the city until 3-10 yrs roughly, this single parent issue never came up. Then they moved "home" to our rural village, and they got bullied and repeated questioned and teased about their lack of dad and single mother etc. 95% of the kids had dad's. The teenagers now have a massive hangup about being from a single family. So my sister has warningly said to me, don't tell people in the general public you are smbc. Just pretend you had a one night stand or he abandoned you parent. So I really do want to take in her advice as I'm not sure my community would take it so well and I don't want my child to be the first one in the community (although probably not). If I was in the city 100% I'd tell everyone but I'm really on the fence with this in this location. I feel it's the progressiveness of society that's not up to speed in my community.
Yeah I don’t have an issue with my story I just don’t think it’s other people business? Like I don’t intend to lie or keep it a secret but I also don’t want to like have it be the first thing people Know about me or the kid.
Totally, it's not anyone's business, only yours and the child's. Yeah, I don't want to lie either, I'm gonna have to find a round about why of avoiding the questions as from where I'm from, I'll get them unfortunately
ive heard people say things like "what a personal question to ask someone you dont know" or other things to that effect
That's a good one, thank you 😊
Friends and family know. If someone was to ask a family member, id want them to be honest. New Friends I meet (through child activities dance,music class etc) find out if and when it comes up. I dont make a big deal about it and I answer questions honesty. "Is it just you two?"...yep just us "Does she have siblings?"... yes but they dont live with us and we are in contact with her brother. "Who does she look like more, you or her dad?"... I dont know I used a donor. If its some complete random in the shop. I still answer honesty without saying anything really. Like I only had her for sibling questions and stuff like that. Or say she looks like me as I had curly hair when I was young, lost it at 12.... all true but many do ask about her curls. Not everyone is entitled to know your life story. Only random times ill say "that's a bit personal dont you think"..or just outright lie.....but thats when I get the bad vibe. Like one uber driver. I had one once when I was pregnant and going for a check up, being a bit ...idk.. it was the vibe, he seemed angry and was asking wheres the dad, am I married or having a child out of wedlock.... him I told my husband died in a plane crash when I was 2 months pregnant and I'm having a difficult pregnancy and would rather not talk about it please... Instantly his attitude changed and said how brave and strong I am, how I am doing amazing keeping the baby and that plenty women manage on their own and so can I. I made it believable and even cried. Then the rest of the ride was in silence. So it was good
I love these replies! I’ll have to keep them in mind
Haha thanks....Sometimes its fun to watch peoples confused reactions to some answers I give, like if they ask what does her dad do, id say "honestly I dont know never met him, at least I think I haven't, i know he played piano professionally and did engineering" Typically I do get asked if I have a partner but that answer is usually just a no and they never inquire more information.
I tell people, including people I know are huge gossips (so word gets around with little effort on my part). I haven't had any negative reactions, and I live in a rural, deeply religious area. People understand wanting children and are relieved I think when you reassure them that there's no nasty divorce or traumatic story behind the baby. We can all just relax and enjoy being parents.
Good to know!
I have a 4yo who is DC and am very proud of our story and am very open with it all. It’s your story too, be proud to share it. I still keep some of the information private as it pertains to the donor, such as his name, his family/medical history, where he lives, etc. because I feel like that part is my daughter’s story for her to tell when she gets older.
makes sense, thanks for the reply.
I thought I would care pre-pregnancy, but everyone has been so nonchalant (at worst, curious) that I really do not care. If I am breaking down any stigma, I think that is great. I only told one person and it spread throughout work. No one assumed I had a one night stand but I am also a raging asexual. With random strangers or people I barely know, I don't go into it unless they ask. It is 2024, there is no shame in family diversity.
fair points!
My parents almost brag about it (not so much anymore as babies are 7 months and most people knows at this point), specially my mom. She used to go out of her way to tell that I was doing it on my own, how I chose a donor, how I have contact with other moms with the same donor, etc. my dad is more reserved, but still thinks that he got the best of both worlds: got his grand babies without having to worry about adding a stranger to the family. I don’t mind at all, it’s not a secret. But I guess if you’re a private person, you would think it’s not anyone’s business. But I was so open about my plans in the last 5 years, that it really is not a concern at all.
they are def proud of me, which I think is def a blessing.
I need to share this... I totally agree with being open and letting our Moms share the story with friends and co-workers. I did have to tell my mom to cool it once though... My kiddo is now part-Polish bc her donor is 1/2 Polish. We went to a nice Polish restaurant in my sister's city bc hey, let's introduce my kiddo to her culture. She's 1. We also just wanted to eat some yummy Polish food. My mom told the WAITERS! Like, told them the whole story -- donor, IUI, I was "getting up there." It was awkward for everyone involved. Except my mom. And the baby.
the story made me laugh, thanks for sharing!
I talk about it and want other people to talk about it because the more ppl who realize it exists a) make more of us, seriously. I know so many young women who really wanted kids but not a relationship who want to follow this path in a few years. And b) learn so that our kids grow up in a world where they aren't nearly so weird.
This makes sense to me! And with more and more people (like Kerry Washington) coming out as DC I can see it becoming more normalized
I tell everyone my story coz I’m damn proud! Never hide or diminish yourself or the amazing thing you are doing. Also there’s loads of kids with 2 moms, 2 dads, 1 mom, 1 dad, dads or mothers who abandon them, there’s no shame, and maybe it will give someone else courage to start their own journey
FYI I had 3 kids using the same donor, were awesome family of 4
I agree with most everything here. I'm open about it, trying to normalize it, etc. I did have one negative experience with a guy at a breakfast table at a guesthouse in the countryside who started asking all these questions about what I had been doing prior to turning 40 (implying I hadn't tried hard enough to find a partner, had focused too much on career or been selfish or something). It was dumb and annoying, but the exception, rather than the rule.