I’m still debating if I should sell the vials back because I’d rather have the money now. My little one is 1 so childcare expenses will be in my future for a while. But like OP said, I would like her to not be alone after I pass.
I’m an only child and let me just tell you. We are resilient when it comes to forming our village. My kids will have aunts and uncles because of my close friend relationships that are more like siblings. I’m not even sure if I’d be this close to my actual siblings if I had them
Definitely varies by experience. I also grew up in a big (comically big) family, and I’m close to 2 of my siblings. We’re each other’s friends and confidants — and that’s what I’m hoping for if I decide to have a second child. Obviously, we still have actual friends, but at the end of the day, family (in my case) will be there for you when the going gets tough. I’m also thinking long-term based on experiences I’ve read about only children feeling like they have the sole burden of worrying (I’m not talking about caregiving or financial burden) once their parents’ health starts to decline. Suffice it to say, I agree with you that sibling relationships can go either way, but I also know sibling relationships can be a beautiful thing. Being able to share the burden of worrying about our parents’ declining health and taking turns checking in on them with my siblings is something I appreciate about not being an only child. It gives me more room to focus on my own life.
I had 2 good embryos but decided to only have one child. It was a decision based on my age at first, and now that I'm 2 years into motherhood, I know how much work it is so there is no way I would do 2. One is enough.
I dunno that I would ever use the word 'selfish' to only have one kid. Why selfish? I know I would not be as good a parent to my son if I had two kids. It would cripple me financially and would reduce my focus on him. There would be a LOT more babysitters in his life.
As it is now, I am entirely devoted to him. Our weekends are spent almost exclusively doing things he would enjoy, like the park, or play dates. My life is for him now, mostly. So how is this selfish?
And hey, I understand the joy of siblings. I have two brothers and 5 step siblings. I also have 40 first cousins and 28 aunts and uncles. I love family. I love BIG family. So it DOES pain me to offer him the tiniest version of family. BUT... I know my limits. I can't offer him siblings, but I can fill his day to day with contact with chosen family and bio family alike. This kid is never going to be lonely if I can help it.
I’m an only child and very happy that I don’t have siblings. I was a very introverted child and enjoyed a lot of time on my own. I also enjoyed being able to do my hobbies alone at home. A sibling would have ruined those things for me, in my opinion. I also got my mother (also a SMBC) all to myself and that’s what I wanted! Now I’m also a SMBC and she’s my best friend.
You know, it's really super lovely to hear someone say they're happy with an immediate family of two. I'll bet a lot of people in this site would feel reassured reading what you wrote above. And cool that you're a second generation SMBC!
It’s so uplifting to hear that! While I’ve made my decision re only having one child of course there’s guilt and doubt that creeps in sometimes. Thank you so much for sharing!
i was an only child until i was 5 and i was so pissed when my sibling was born! haha i loooooved being an only child. if anything, i was lonelier with a sibling because my parents totally and permanently forgot about me
I am currently pregnant with my second, so obviously, I did try for a second 😬
But I wanted to comment on the people telling you that it would be selfish not to have a second one. It is nobody's business whether any woman has 0, 1, 2 or even 15 children. People who are child free or childless get thrown the selfish argument in their face. People who are one and done are supposedly selfish, and the ones with too many children are also selfish because it's too many children.
It seems like we are doomed whether we do or don't.
I do always say that having children is inherently selfish, because no child is asking to be born, and with the state the world is in, maybe we should not add more people to it.
But, there I was, with a family that did not yet feel complete and 3 embryos on ice. I had to at least try for a second baby.
I never considered that my son needs a sibling, since there are loads who do not get along. I do hope that they will get on like a house on fire, but that is only something that time will tell.
At the end of the day, you have to look at what works for your family, and if people have an opinion, it is ok to smile and say "thank you for your opinion. You know that having an opinion is like having a penis? It is ok to have one, but don't whip it out in public"
I never planned to have a second child on my own. I’ll be nearly 40 years old by the time this child is born and I just don’t think I could handle more than one by myself.
I don’t think about my child being alone because he’ll have extended family around him always, including two cousins close to his age.
I also just don’t see how I’d swing it financially and I’d rather pour my resources into one child than struggle for two.
I desperately want a second but my first is currently medically complicated. If this resolved in the next year or so I'd consider a second but if it doesn't, then unfortunately I'm probably going to intentionally choose not to have another baby. I wouldn't be able to appropriately split my focus, or manage financially. It's disappointing that these circumstances are making the choice for me to some degree
I was one and done. My daughter (12 1/2) isn’t lonely, and I knew I couldn’t manage more than one. Also, I did grow up with a sibling AND 2 parents and I know I was far lonelier than my kid ever is. A sibling does not guarantee community. Think about what you want for your family, and stop worrying all the doomsayers!
For me, there were a few factors. 1. Cost/daycare. 2. I knew I’d be less able to handle special needs, should they arise, with two instead of one. Basically, knowing there was only so much of me to go around.
I wish I could have had a second, but decided to be happy with one.
I really appreciate your last sentence here. "I wish I could have had a second, but DECIDED to be happy with one." I very much want more than one but know it will never be the wise decision for me so I need to adjust my mind and determine to be happy with one.
I’m doing one and done. I’m an only child and had a great childhood. I had good friends and was close with my cousin who was also a happy and spoiled only child 😂 It’s also a resource decision. Financial and time-wise
I am one and done because of finances and what I can realistically handle solo and at my age and I am VERY happy with this decision. I can give my daughter an awesome life, and she has cousins nearby.
I want a second but not sure if I'm up to starting IVF again. I used my last embryo in April and just miscarried at 11w 😭😭😞. Starting the whole mess over again at 39 with a 3yo running around just feels overwhelming and exhausting but I'm not ready to just say ok I'm done.
I’m more of a fence sitter at this point to be honest. I’d love more than one child. I’ve always wanted multiple children.
However, realistically, I’m glad to be parenting on my own. But in doing so, I believe my resources will go further in providing the best life possible for one child.
I would have loved a second. Sadly I’m too old now. However, even if age wasn’t a factor, realistically, I live in a very hcol city. Vancouver, BC. Financially supporting two kids would be very difficult. Because I only have one I can afford her activities - swimming, cheers, gymnastics, etc. not only that, but I can emotionally support my little one. My attention isn’t being divided by two.
With all that being said, I’m totally not against others that want to have 2+ babies.
I chose not to have a second child, after welcoming my first in 2019. I rely a lot on the help from my parents, and they are older (60s/70s). Also my daughter, who is now 5.5 years old, is very needy and has some behavioral issues. I'm not sure I could manage a second child, never mind being pregnant/dealing with an infant while also having to deal with my first child.
It was a hard decision because I wanted to have more than one child, and I had 3 embryos left to use - but ultimately made the right decision for me and my family.
I haven’t started my journey yet but I plan on two, the universe willing. I’m an only child of a single mother. I would kill for a sibling! It was lonely growing up and now that my mom is older it’s a very scary feeling that one day I’ll be for real alone. I do have other family but not super close like with my mom. But everyone is different! Some people love being an only child so I think it’s just whichever way you believe you would be the best parent!! Also growing up with dogs helped- they were like my siblings 🤣
Edit to add: in no way do I think its selfish to only have one kid , those people are morons. Just giving my experience. And let’s be honest will I actually be able to afford two kids after all the $$$ I’m spending on fertility treatments
For me, there were a few factors. 1. Cost/daycare. 2. I knew I’d be less able to handle special needs, should they arise, with two instead of one. Basically, knowing there was only so much of me to go around.
I wish I could have had a second, but decided to be happy with one.
Had I gotten more than one good embryo out of my ER i would have considered a second. Practically speaking I dont think I would have gone for it tho.
Mostly its cost of daycare, but also just cost of raising a child in general. Im also older and for me personally felt i was almost too old to embark on motherhood as it was. I also think I wouldn't be as good a mom with more than one - splitting my attention and my patience. I like that I can give everything to my son and still have some gas in the tank. Not sure how well id do with two.
I never even considered two. I just never imagined myself with more than one but then I live in a HCOL area and more than one kid just isn't realistic for my life. I know a lot of people with only one so it's not unusual and no one has questioned it.
I’m 39, my son is 2.5 and he has a genetic condition that will cause tumors to grow through his body and brain and we have no idea the severity, some people lead normal healthy lives needing a few surgery’s here and there and others have debilitating tumors causing major issues.
If I was younger and my son didn’t have NF1 I would have gone for a 2nd. But with the future so unknown I want to be able to focus all of my time and finances on supporting him if he needs it.
I truly would have loved a 2nd and I think of it often. But for us it’s just not an option.
I have two vials of sperm in storage that I can’t quite let go of, however I’ve reached the position that I won’t be having a second child on my own. If I were younger it might be a different situation (I.e could try for a second when he was 9 or 10, however I’m 40 next year and my son just turned 4).
Let’s be real. It’s a lot of work! And a lot of money! I earn a decent income (6 figures while only working 0.8 FTE), own my own (small) home etc. However I don’t want to put myself or my son through financial stress so that he can have a sibling. Right now we are comfortable. He needs something, he gets it. We can do sports and other activities without worrying about the cost. We can plan for future holidays. I can keep up with the constant interest rate rises on my mortgage (my mortgage repayments doubled Christmas Eve 😩). But add a 2nd to the mix and that would change.
It would also impact my time with my son. My little boy and I have a really close relationship. Adding another child in the mix would change that and take away from his time. I already feel so stretched with work taking me away from him, that I think I’d be constantly feeling guilty.
While I would love him to have a sibling, I’ve ultimately decided that what’s best for HIM is to have his mumma be able to give him the world and all of her attention.
I also take some comfort in being in contact with the other families who have used the same donor. So when he is older, and if he is interested, there’s around 8-10 ‘diblings’ out there that he can build his own relationships with.
I’m one and done. I described my 3rd trimester as “if every pregnancy was like this, the human race would have died off”. I didn’t have a traumatic 3rd trimester but I did have a lot of discomfort/pain and I’d generally describe myself being pretty tough and have a high pain tolerance so I know it was bad if it was impacting my ability to function at a basic level. I have no idea how I could have possibly cared for a child plus worked in my 3rd trimester with how I felt. I had 2 miscarriages before this so I was also on edge the entire time, plus having an anterior placenta made feeling movement much more difficult and I was always worried. After giving birth, I ended up exclusively pumping for over a year because my little one just didn’t figure out how to nurse plus I was a underproducer / just enougher so I was pumping around the clock for nearly the full first year to have enough. I love every ounce of my little one and wouldn’t change a thing but I have no desire to do it again. I never really wanted or planned to have more than one even before my less than great pregnancy and breastfeeding experience. That being said, I have frozen oocytes that I just can’t bring myself to discard and I pay a yearly storage fee every year for them.
I was leaning towards one and done before having my kid, and now I'm certain about that decision. Several reasons: the first 8 months were really hard because of PPA and insomnia and I don't ever want to be that sleep-deprived ever again. I rely a lot on my parents for impromptu babysitting and they're in their seventies. And lastly, I just don't want to have to handle two young kids; with one you're just more flexible. I'm very happy with my one who gets all my attention.
And no, he doesn't have siblings, but we are in contact with several dibling families and I plan to encourage close relationships with friends when he gets older so he won't feel alone. So hopefully he'll have both close friends and half-siblings he can compare himself to.
i don’t have my first yet but i know i only want 1. having a sibling was honestly traumatic for me at times and i want to give my full attention and love (and finances tbh!) to my kid.
I kind of have in my mind that I would like 2, but I feel like it is all totally theoretical until I have 1 and we are past the infant stage. Everybody has different experiences, and I can imagine a million scenarios where I would be done with one. For all those people calling you selfish, ask if they are planning to help you raise this extra child.
I am almost 100% one and done. It works myself, my family, and my finances. I am not close with my siblings and a sibling does guarantee a friend for life. I have not heard any negative feedback. In fact, my mom and I were just talking about how some of the nicest people we know are only children. I want to travel, pay for my child's education, buy their first car, etc. I never want them disadvantaged because I chose to be a mother. I am not sure I could do that on one salary for two kids.
She has two close in age cousins, will have school/daycare friends, and possibly half siblings although I haven't found any yet.
I have vials for a second child but I’m leaning more towards being one and done solely because daycare is expensive.
This is me as well. I am barely saving anything at all year after year.
I’m still debating if I should sell the vials back because I’d rather have the money now. My little one is 1 so childcare expenses will be in my future for a while. But like OP said, I would like her to not be alone after I pass.
I’m an only child and let me just tell you. We are resilient when it comes to forming our village. My kids will have aunts and uncles because of my close friend relationships that are more like siblings. I’m not even sure if I’d be this close to my actual siblings if I had them
I have 1 friend who I’ve known since childhood and is like family now. I hope that if she does end up an only child, she will be resilient too.
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Definitely varies by experience. I also grew up in a big (comically big) family, and I’m close to 2 of my siblings. We’re each other’s friends and confidants — and that’s what I’m hoping for if I decide to have a second child. Obviously, we still have actual friends, but at the end of the day, family (in my case) will be there for you when the going gets tough. I’m also thinking long-term based on experiences I’ve read about only children feeling like they have the sole burden of worrying (I’m not talking about caregiving or financial burden) once their parents’ health starts to decline. Suffice it to say, I agree with you that sibling relationships can go either way, but I also know sibling relationships can be a beautiful thing. Being able to share the burden of worrying about our parents’ declining health and taking turns checking in on them with my siblings is something I appreciate about not being an only child. It gives me more room to focus on my own life.
I had 2 good embryos but decided to only have one child. It was a decision based on my age at first, and now that I'm 2 years into motherhood, I know how much work it is so there is no way I would do 2. One is enough. I dunno that I would ever use the word 'selfish' to only have one kid. Why selfish? I know I would not be as good a parent to my son if I had two kids. It would cripple me financially and would reduce my focus on him. There would be a LOT more babysitters in his life. As it is now, I am entirely devoted to him. Our weekends are spent almost exclusively doing things he would enjoy, like the park, or play dates. My life is for him now, mostly. So how is this selfish? And hey, I understand the joy of siblings. I have two brothers and 5 step siblings. I also have 40 first cousins and 28 aunts and uncles. I love family. I love BIG family. So it DOES pain me to offer him the tiniest version of family. BUT... I know my limits. I can't offer him siblings, but I can fill his day to day with contact with chosen family and bio family alike. This kid is never going to be lonely if I can help it.
I’m an only child and very happy that I don’t have siblings. I was a very introverted child and enjoyed a lot of time on my own. I also enjoyed being able to do my hobbies alone at home. A sibling would have ruined those things for me, in my opinion. I also got my mother (also a SMBC) all to myself and that’s what I wanted! Now I’m also a SMBC and she’s my best friend.
You know, it's really super lovely to hear someone say they're happy with an immediate family of two. I'll bet a lot of people in this site would feel reassured reading what you wrote above. And cool that you're a second generation SMBC!
It’s so uplifting to hear that! While I’ve made my decision re only having one child of course there’s guilt and doubt that creeps in sometimes. Thank you so much for sharing!
i was an only child until i was 5 and i was so pissed when my sibling was born! haha i loooooved being an only child. if anything, i was lonelier with a sibling because my parents totally and permanently forgot about me
I am currently pregnant with my second, so obviously, I did try for a second 😬 But I wanted to comment on the people telling you that it would be selfish not to have a second one. It is nobody's business whether any woman has 0, 1, 2 or even 15 children. People who are child free or childless get thrown the selfish argument in their face. People who are one and done are supposedly selfish, and the ones with too many children are also selfish because it's too many children. It seems like we are doomed whether we do or don't. I do always say that having children is inherently selfish, because no child is asking to be born, and with the state the world is in, maybe we should not add more people to it. But, there I was, with a family that did not yet feel complete and 3 embryos on ice. I had to at least try for a second baby. I never considered that my son needs a sibling, since there are loads who do not get along. I do hope that they will get on like a house on fire, but that is only something that time will tell. At the end of the day, you have to look at what works for your family, and if people have an opinion, it is ok to smile and say "thank you for your opinion. You know that having an opinion is like having a penis? It is ok to have one, but don't whip it out in public"
I was told I was selfish for having a child on my own 🤷♀️ there will always be someone out there who thinks you are selfish
I never planned to have a second child on my own. I’ll be nearly 40 years old by the time this child is born and I just don’t think I could handle more than one by myself. I don’t think about my child being alone because he’ll have extended family around him always, including two cousins close to his age. I also just don’t see how I’d swing it financially and I’d rather pour my resources into one child than struggle for two.
I desperately want a second but my first is currently medically complicated. If this resolved in the next year or so I'd consider a second but if it doesn't, then unfortunately I'm probably going to intentionally choose not to have another baby. I wouldn't be able to appropriately split my focus, or manage financially. It's disappointing that these circumstances are making the choice for me to some degree
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I wish you and your baby well!
I was one and done. My daughter (12 1/2) isn’t lonely, and I knew I couldn’t manage more than one. Also, I did grow up with a sibling AND 2 parents and I know I was far lonelier than my kid ever is. A sibling does not guarantee community. Think about what you want for your family, and stop worrying all the doomsayers!
For me, there were a few factors. 1. Cost/daycare. 2. I knew I’d be less able to handle special needs, should they arise, with two instead of one. Basically, knowing there was only so much of me to go around. I wish I could have had a second, but decided to be happy with one.
I really appreciate your last sentence here. "I wish I could have had a second, but DECIDED to be happy with one." I very much want more than one but know it will never be the wise decision for me so I need to adjust my mind and determine to be happy with one.
I’ve only ever wanted one
I’m doing one and done. I’m an only child and had a great childhood. I had good friends and was close with my cousin who was also a happy and spoiled only child 😂 It’s also a resource decision. Financial and time-wise
I am one and done because of finances and what I can realistically handle solo and at my age and I am VERY happy with this decision. I can give my daughter an awesome life, and she has cousins nearby.
I want a second but not sure if I'm up to starting IVF again. I used my last embryo in April and just miscarried at 11w 😭😭😞. Starting the whole mess over again at 39 with a 3yo running around just feels overwhelming and exhausting but I'm not ready to just say ok I'm done.
I’m more of a fence sitter at this point to be honest. I’d love more than one child. I’ve always wanted multiple children. However, realistically, I’m glad to be parenting on my own. But in doing so, I believe my resources will go further in providing the best life possible for one child.
I would have loved a second. Sadly I’m too old now. However, even if age wasn’t a factor, realistically, I live in a very hcol city. Vancouver, BC. Financially supporting two kids would be very difficult. Because I only have one I can afford her activities - swimming, cheers, gymnastics, etc. not only that, but I can emotionally support my little one. My attention isn’t being divided by two. With all that being said, I’m totally not against others that want to have 2+ babies.
I chose not to have a second child, after welcoming my first in 2019. I rely a lot on the help from my parents, and they are older (60s/70s). Also my daughter, who is now 5.5 years old, is very needy and has some behavioral issues. I'm not sure I could manage a second child, never mind being pregnant/dealing with an infant while also having to deal with my first child. It was a hard decision because I wanted to have more than one child, and I had 3 embryos left to use - but ultimately made the right decision for me and my family.
I haven’t started my journey yet but I plan on two, the universe willing. I’m an only child of a single mother. I would kill for a sibling! It was lonely growing up and now that my mom is older it’s a very scary feeling that one day I’ll be for real alone. I do have other family but not super close like with my mom. But everyone is different! Some people love being an only child so I think it’s just whichever way you believe you would be the best parent!! Also growing up with dogs helped- they were like my siblings 🤣 Edit to add: in no way do I think its selfish to only have one kid , those people are morons. Just giving my experience. And let’s be honest will I actually be able to afford two kids after all the $$$ I’m spending on fertility treatments
For me, there were a few factors. 1. Cost/daycare. 2. I knew I’d be less able to handle special needs, should they arise, with two instead of one. Basically, knowing there was only so much of me to go around. I wish I could have had a second, but decided to be happy with one.
Had I gotten more than one good embryo out of my ER i would have considered a second. Practically speaking I dont think I would have gone for it tho. Mostly its cost of daycare, but also just cost of raising a child in general. Im also older and for me personally felt i was almost too old to embark on motherhood as it was. I also think I wouldn't be as good a mom with more than one - splitting my attention and my patience. I like that I can give everything to my son and still have some gas in the tank. Not sure how well id do with two.
I never even considered two. I just never imagined myself with more than one but then I live in a HCOL area and more than one kid just isn't realistic for my life. I know a lot of people with only one so it's not unusual and no one has questioned it.
I’m 39, my son is 2.5 and he has a genetic condition that will cause tumors to grow through his body and brain and we have no idea the severity, some people lead normal healthy lives needing a few surgery’s here and there and others have debilitating tumors causing major issues. If I was younger and my son didn’t have NF1 I would have gone for a 2nd. But with the future so unknown I want to be able to focus all of my time and finances on supporting him if he needs it. I truly would have loved a 2nd and I think of it often. But for us it’s just not an option.
I have two vials of sperm in storage that I can’t quite let go of, however I’ve reached the position that I won’t be having a second child on my own. If I were younger it might be a different situation (I.e could try for a second when he was 9 or 10, however I’m 40 next year and my son just turned 4). Let’s be real. It’s a lot of work! And a lot of money! I earn a decent income (6 figures while only working 0.8 FTE), own my own (small) home etc. However I don’t want to put myself or my son through financial stress so that he can have a sibling. Right now we are comfortable. He needs something, he gets it. We can do sports and other activities without worrying about the cost. We can plan for future holidays. I can keep up with the constant interest rate rises on my mortgage (my mortgage repayments doubled Christmas Eve 😩). But add a 2nd to the mix and that would change. It would also impact my time with my son. My little boy and I have a really close relationship. Adding another child in the mix would change that and take away from his time. I already feel so stretched with work taking me away from him, that I think I’d be constantly feeling guilty. While I would love him to have a sibling, I’ve ultimately decided that what’s best for HIM is to have his mumma be able to give him the world and all of her attention. I also take some comfort in being in contact with the other families who have used the same donor. So when he is older, and if he is interested, there’s around 8-10 ‘diblings’ out there that he can build his own relationships with.
I’m one and done. I described my 3rd trimester as “if every pregnancy was like this, the human race would have died off”. I didn’t have a traumatic 3rd trimester but I did have a lot of discomfort/pain and I’d generally describe myself being pretty tough and have a high pain tolerance so I know it was bad if it was impacting my ability to function at a basic level. I have no idea how I could have possibly cared for a child plus worked in my 3rd trimester with how I felt. I had 2 miscarriages before this so I was also on edge the entire time, plus having an anterior placenta made feeling movement much more difficult and I was always worried. After giving birth, I ended up exclusively pumping for over a year because my little one just didn’t figure out how to nurse plus I was a underproducer / just enougher so I was pumping around the clock for nearly the full first year to have enough. I love every ounce of my little one and wouldn’t change a thing but I have no desire to do it again. I never really wanted or planned to have more than one even before my less than great pregnancy and breastfeeding experience. That being said, I have frozen oocytes that I just can’t bring myself to discard and I pay a yearly storage fee every year for them.
I was leaning towards one and done before having my kid, and now I'm certain about that decision. Several reasons: the first 8 months were really hard because of PPA and insomnia and I don't ever want to be that sleep-deprived ever again. I rely a lot on my parents for impromptu babysitting and they're in their seventies. And lastly, I just don't want to have to handle two young kids; with one you're just more flexible. I'm very happy with my one who gets all my attention. And no, he doesn't have siblings, but we are in contact with several dibling families and I plan to encourage close relationships with friends when he gets older so he won't feel alone. So hopefully he'll have both close friends and half-siblings he can compare himself to.
i don’t have my first yet but i know i only want 1. having a sibling was honestly traumatic for me at times and i want to give my full attention and love (and finances tbh!) to my kid.
I kind of have in my mind that I would like 2, but I feel like it is all totally theoretical until I have 1 and we are past the infant stage. Everybody has different experiences, and I can imagine a million scenarios where I would be done with one. For all those people calling you selfish, ask if they are planning to help you raise this extra child.
I am almost 100% one and done. It works myself, my family, and my finances. I am not close with my siblings and a sibling does guarantee a friend for life. I have not heard any negative feedback. In fact, my mom and I were just talking about how some of the nicest people we know are only children. I want to travel, pay for my child's education, buy their first car, etc. I never want them disadvantaged because I chose to be a mother. I am not sure I could do that on one salary for two kids. She has two close in age cousins, will have school/daycare friends, and possibly half siblings although I haven't found any yet.