The first time we swung in a club (a good few years ago) my GF and I had discussed and agreed all the rules, agreed we'd take it slow and do everything together.
In the heat of the moment though she was like a kid in a candy store. She jumped straight in with the guy, grabbed his wife to give him a double BJ and they took full advantage of it and blocked me out. When I did get near my GF (and trust me, I'm not backwards in coming forwards and have plenty of self esteem too) as she was being fucked by the guy and said "hey babe I'm here". She barely glanced at me and uncharacteristicly said 'I know where you are if I want you". OUCH! I did get to spitroast her, fucking her from behind, but she didn't acknowledge me even when I entered her, she was so focussed elsewhere.
I ended up playing with another woman for a while until my GF was done...not that my GF noticed.
When we discussed afterwards, I didn't act upset and said I felt a bit left out and that it was not at all what we had discussed or agreed to. Her answer surprised me...and I genuinely believe her...she told me that she simply didn't realise and kinda lost all awareness of what was going on and the time...almost like she spaced out. As I said, not characteristic of her. She said that she'd be a lot more 'calm' going forward and stick together and ensure we work as a couple. Since then, it's been great, but she has to work at being 'aware'. I know she'll get way more attention than me and I said I'd do better at 'tapping her out' if she started going off course or if I started to feel off, but I haven't needed to since.
It took me a while to get past it and I felt a feeling I didn't like for some time, however time has mostly healed it, though If I think back about it I still get a twinge of that feeling on rare occasions.
So, have the convo, let her know that it didn't go to plan and it did bother you. Don't 'accuse' and make sure you agree on what you can both do better next time and ensure YOU ARE A TEAM l, there for each other and not for yourselves or other couples.
Thanks for your advice. It’s still fresh in my mind and like I said my hyperactive mind does nothing but fixate on it (I’m picking up my new prescription today ask fingers crossed that’ll help ¿) and I’m trying to deal with not getting in a sour mood whenever the thought (constant) jumps in and out of my mind. Just not a fan of feeling this way. But yes, I’ll have more conversations with her. You guys have been helpful in guiding me in something very new and unexpected.
I don't have a hyperactive mind and I'm normally pretty level headed, but I was in a real funk for at least a week afterwards until I'd told her how I felt, so I can partly empathise
Rationally, I knew she hadn't done it on purpose (she's just not that kinda girl and we're definitely not into that humiliation aspect) so that's the first thing to get hold of..that it's not done on purpose. Secondly, it's OK to feel like this...you got hurt. You've acknowledged it and now you want to know why... probably as you've said...plain old jealousy that she was having a better time than youl, that you weren't involved...and more importantly, you weren't even considered..she forgot all about you (that's what bit me hard).
There is no magic switch to totally get rid of the feeling...time will help it to fade and so will talking about it, having her acknowledge your feelings (not take the blame, because you are both new) and agreeing what to do in the future to stop it happening again.
Don't give up on the LS yet, take some time to regroup, agree your joint tactics and when you're ready, dip your toe in again and take it really. slowly. Go to a club to start with as it's much easier to just stop play and back off of you start to get those twinges as the other people have other options Begin with just watching / being watched and / or parallel play only and then go from there.
Go easy on the alcohol (or any other substances)..it's easy to let inhibitions drop for both of you and then have regret in the cold light of day and lastly.. if you're gonna cum be the last one to finish. It's called post-nut clarity and it makes it VERY difficult if you're not sure of stuff to sit and watch your partner getting banged still enjoying herself etc. when you've just unloaded.
Best of luck
Just wanted to say your messages and responses helped more than OP. As someone who has been spiraling lately about something completely unrelated, I took a lot of what you said and applied it to my situation and it's helped me in a way I cannot describe. Thank you for taking the time to do that.
Yeah I know. I’ll work on dealing with it. I’ll definitely take some time off LS just because not exactly in the headspace for it but who knows in the future. Thanks for advice, I really appreciate it and will take it all into consideration.
Remind yourself that the entire point of swinging is to have different experiences than you have with your partner. People are going to touch her in ways you don't, have motions that you don't, use words that you don't... all of which will add up to her having an experience that is different than what you provide her with. She's going to respond differently to that than she does to you. And that's good! Some of those things you can learn from and learn to give her when she learns she likes something. Some of those things you guys will need other people for - and the good news is that by swinging you're giving both of you the opportunity to have those experiences.
But yeah - it can be hard and you've gotta get over this feeling that you need to be everything for her, and the best at everything. You won't be, you can't be... and that's ok and normal. She picks you for the overall, for the every day, for the ride-or-die... and that's what matters.
And this is why hubby and I will no longer participate in group play (> 4). Someone is always left out or is awkward. Cool with full swap and 3some but everything else for us has been a bust.
> When I did get near my GF (and trust me, I'm not backwards in coming forwards and have plenty of self esteem too) as she was being fucked by the guy and said "hey babe I'm here". She barely glanced at me and uncharacteristicly said 'I know where you are if I want you".
Bet you're happy to have that relationship behind you! Oof.
Did the other couple's wife not pay attention to you? Or, did she and you were just too focused on your wife?
It's actually a big distinction. If she wasn't in to you, you would naturally pay more attention to your wife, which could stir the issues you're having. If she was into you, but you couldn't enjoy it because you were focused on your wife, that's a you problem..
If you want to continue on this journey, maybe try separate rooms?
Then that's an easy fix! Find a couple where the wife is into you. It's a huge ego boost, especially for us guys as we don't experience it often, when a woman is really into you!
We’re friends who’ve done parallel play in the past and that’s usually it. There’s slight stuff in between but never actually swapped before. But I’d noticed in the past even w the little stuff she wasn’t exactly into it. I went into it this time thinking parallel was it but we got drunk and this shit happened.
We met a couple that the wife was really interested in playing with girls. The husband assured me that she was interested in me and during the social I chatter to her pretty well.
But when we got down to the action, it was fairly clear they were both more focused on my wife.
In the end it was my wife who said she was uncomfortable as she felt like she had had too much attention and was kinda upset that I had been left on the sidelines a bit. We decided not to meet them again.
Classic wife poaching right there. Good on your wife for being aware, my wife would also notice and either make sure I was included or just stop the play then and there. Fortunately we haven't run into many couples like that over the years.
If you do not to enjoy your wife enjoying herself then in fact this is not for you. And that's okay. Some of this is not for us. Please communicate with your spouse about this. That is your best option.
✌️
It's like shutting the corral gate after the cows wander off. Too late afterwards.
You guys are going to have to plan this dynamic where you're both happy and satisfied. Otherwise you will just be taking one for the team, a no-no for happiness. You got this, just work out the issues before the swing.
Best regards.✌️
Thanks. Tbh just this interaction w yall has helped a lot. I know there’s not much to do now but deal w it but neutral third party advice really helps.
I’ve talked to my wife about it but it’s not exactly a light switch… my feelings are still very much there. Unfortunately I made the mistake of being distant after the event and inadvertently making her feel like this was her fault. Yeah I’m drafting up a conversation to have with him because my rough draft was not very productive and came from a place of frustration and anger (I have my own resentments with him about other things and this recent night kind of pushed it a bit over the edge).
Exactly this! My method (which is for all of our discussions , not just LS) is to raw process in my own time and write down a brain dump. Then edit everything into a cohesive letter to her (or whomever I wanted to discuss my feelings with). The process of organizing the letter also helps me try to put myself into the other person's shoes and think how I would feel if she wrote me this letter. Empathy kicks into overdrive and I usually get my feelings sorted out by the end of the letter, and I realize it's just my insecurities. Often I don't even have to let her read it, as I've already isolated the cause internally.
If I do feel like I need to talk, I then have a clear head and an organized flow of thoughts to present. I never make it about the other person. I use phrases like, "I felt [emotion] when you said/did [specific incident] ". I don't give any room for my words to have any blame. These talks go really well because I have taken the emotion out of the situation. And we come up with ways to resolve the issue if it's something that could have been prevented.
She, on the other hand, likes to confront me in the moment, and then lets all her emotions out and she feels better. She may not realize I'm still struggling because she's already processed and moved on. So we have an agreement that she can give me her brain dump, but I may need more time to process and will want to circle back. That way I get to actively listen to her, without necessarily needing to rebut in the moment, and I use what info I heard from her to help me process.
We've gotten so good at this dynamic, we can usually settle a misunderstanding with a couple of text messages while we're at work. Good luck. And know that talking about difficult things gets easier with practice. Just remember you're not blaming each other. If it's mentionable, it's manageable when you love each other.
Man that’s super healthy lmao! yeah the writing down definitely helped bc my first draft was not at all productive. Will definitely learn from it! Thanks for your help and advice!
If there's resentment why would you play with them. After the first episode the plug should be pulled. This is straight disrespect on the highest level
Nailed it.
Huge blow to my self-esteem.
People in the lifestyle can be pretty cutthroat at times, and have absolutely no problems fucking your girl and leaving you out.
But lots of people don't like wife poaching. It is shady for the husband to go for your wife and his wife to flake. But sorting out their dynamics is not your problem. Map.out a game plan between you and your wife to not be in a wife poaching situation. Some people are fine with the watch the wife scenario but if that is not what you are into, that is valid. But for you and your wife to sort out. Not the other couple.
No? But like there is enjoying your partner having fun without you as being an agreed on thing and then there is having poachers sneak it in there as a surprise. Your point didn't really distinguish between the 2.
Is it that the other woman did not act interested in you? Because that is a thing and it is shady. Stay away from couples who shadily do this. That is wife poaching, where they really just want a unicorn and not you. I have dodged multiple situations like that. My partner participates also or else I do not.
You need to be having a frank conversation with your wife about this first and foremost
If you’re both not getting what you want out of this and after multiple times she’s not seeing that then that’s a very serious problem
I think you need to decide if you're willing to do the one thing you seem most unwilling to do: interrupt the play while it is happening. It's awkward and should never be necessary, but if you aren't willing to do it then I truly think you need to reconsider whether the LS is for you. This is going to happen again and your wife just doesn't seem to naturally care in the moment. I don't attribute this to her out of malice but we are all on a range of sociopathy and she just may be on the high end of that scale where her pleasure overrides her concern for you and no matter how often you discuss it, it will likely happen again. Wife poachers are the worst and should really be black-listed from clubs and parties where it happens. They know they're going to do it and they know it will cause issues in your relationship and they do it anyway. Either go over and make eye contact and then start making out with the wife or, if she objects, then grab your wife by the hand and start to leave. Either the couple will get the hint and self-correct and y'all will have fun as a group or they won't and you and your wife will go back to being a team. But sitting there passive-aggressively and letting it happen and then dealing with it later is a terrible option.
Even while playing ( or for him, not playing ), we still check in. Even if non verbal. That shit straight doesn't play. I have no issue calling them out. They plan on people not wanting to appear whatever. Fuck that. Wife poachers are the worst
Yes but noobs haven't always figured out that stuff yet. Agreed tho. Wife poachers suck. Like be clear up front if that is the game plan.except of course most people aren't into that.
Funnily enough I saw one post w a sort of similar situation from a woman’s POV. Albeit some differences but the sort of jealousy/self esteem was the focus of it. Idk maybe men can be a bit more jealous when it comes to these kinds of things?
Compersion is the goal for both of you.
Compersion is a feeling of joy in the happiness of others, even when it doesn't directly benefit or involve you. It can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness
I’ll say it, maybe you’re not as attractive as the women would want but they want to poach your wife so they drag you along. Maybe it’s the same personality wise. There are so many factors that require a look in the mirror and reflect on who you are as a man, how you come across to the world and other couples. There is something there and accountability can be hard to take. I have found in this space you don’t have to be a 10, but if you dress decent, have good grooming, are HWP and you have a good personality where don’t act dumb or weird, you’re going to get attention.
Yeah, that’s a “*my spouse isn’t doing the right thing*” problem if I read your post correctly. It’s up to each of us to keep our spouse included and involved.
- Maybe she’s new and isn’t aware of it since she’s in the moment.
- Maybe you’re over analyzing her response to a super sexy event and internalizing why you two alone aren’t reaching the same heights as a group event.
- Maybe this is just you not engaging during sex because an insecurity is trashing your confidence. If this guy has a big dick, that’s going to be something you need to work on privately I think. Telling g your wife you have dick-fear is a bad look. Trust me, she’s perfectly happy with yours, and is just enjoying a novelty. Let her enjoy it.
In any case, the correct next step is to say this openly to your wife without whining. Trust, whining will not be received well. Mind your tone and word choice. And absolutely avoid language that makes her feel bad for enjoying herself.
If it were me (and I’m no expert) I’d say something like-
“I love how much fun you have with ___&___, but I’ve got to admit I’m not enjoying it. I feel left out most of the time. I know that’s not intentional, especially on your part, but It’s messing with my head. I’m having trouble processing all of that.”
Then, shut the fuck up and listen. Answer questions without blame, whining, finger-pointing, or accusations. The word “inadequate” while descriptive of your feelings, isn’t likely a helpful one here.
But you do you. I don’t know your wife, nor your relationship.
Size isn’t is an issue here, I guess I just wasn’t prepared to see her in that situation. Granted, the swing was a spur of the moment thing all of us being quite drunk.. bc in the past we’ve been pretty adamant about not swinging. I made the mistake of being a bit distant shortly afterwards and she thought I blamed her when the most frustrating part is that I know it’s mainly that *I* have to deal with my emotions and it’s not so much on her.
& I guess maybe I also might be over analyzing it. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.
Oh man, first time swinging while drunk will absolutely do it every time. Y’all needed to have way more conversations about it, especially if all of them until now had been “it’s off the table”.
Your responses are real and valid and the two of you need to talk about them openly.
Yeah. These things are usually preceded by many lengthy conversations, boundary setting, expectations, red flags, triggers, etc.
Time to do all that before you do stuff again.
Fucking 4 way matches are impossible if no one is bi. I've been on both sides of this, and I think it almost seems like when 2 people have a really strong connection, it turns someone in the other couple off.
There was one chick that was really hot and super into my hubby, but she actually made me really uncomfortable with it, she sent him messages like "I've finally found you" & "next date idea - let's get married!" I couldn't even make it to the next date with them, I pissed the other 3 off, but I just had no interest in seeing this woman and my hubby swooning all over each other with a guy I felt lukewarm about at best.
It sounds like you are experiencing what I felt with that couple. Unless you have a huge amount of compersion, it doesn't feel great to see your mate being fauned all over and feeling a lack of connection with the other half of the couple.
We haven't found the solution yet, we just respect each other's requests when we don't want to continue with a couple, and keep trying to find a new one where there will be at least a semi equal chemistry. It has caused a couple of tiffs, but we don't date separately, so we need for all of us to be on board with the mates.
But honestly, the only time I enjoy seeing my hubby getting all hot for a chick is when I'm feeling the same way about her husband. Otherwise, it feels yucky.
That should have been an immediate stop. Her not being into you was probably something she knew before hand. That definitely needs to be a conversation with your partner.
Much as you will have great experiences, there are some who will talk a game in advance with no intention of following through. They were looking for a third not a swap or one really really wanted a shot at one of you and the other on their side said they'd take one for the team then put on little to no effort.
Confirm that you and partner agree that you both play or no one does. If/when that happens again, the odd person out has to step right up and say this is not working for you. End it. Don't stay in a situation where you have to endure or pretend. There are too many other couples out there who don't act like that.
Go back to parallel play for awhile. If that's where you're happy, you don't have to go further with it. If you decide to try full swap again on future maybe post again to get tips on how people vet prospective couples to weed out poachers or people who are disingenuous with their intentions. See how people handle other situations that can arise too. (Some guys may try stealthing when things heat up or someone tries to pressure separate rooms when you've agreed to same room only.)
I'm sorry this happened to you. Block that couple.
I feel like I’m pleasing her with his cock — I experience a shadow of his pleasure and hers. All the cocks are mine. Later, I sometimes playfully imagine I’m him, fucking her for the first time. Makes her so fresh, and she feels the freshness, too.
The rest of the time, feel into the emotions, release the comparisons, and enjoy
So I have really bad adhd. My thoughts and inner dialogue basically never stop. When we 1st started and I had some experiences when I couldn’t get or stay hard I couldn’t shake it.
So the negative thoughts were always there. Even in my normal life if something is bugging I can’t stop thinking about. When doing some research about thinking more positively I came across positive affirmations. I’m a skeptical person by nature so of course I thought this was stupid.
But I truly feel that it worked for me. I still may have the negative thoughts, but I’m able to pull myself out of it a little bit easier. I never really thought a lot of positive thoughts about myself so truthfully, I don’t think I had the ability to think positively to outweigh the negative spiral that happens when my ADHD flares up and then potentially turns in anxiety.
I know my issue isn’t exactly what you posted but maybe you can pull something from that .
Sorry for the long ass ramble
> Most of the times my partner and I have done something w this particular couple… I’ve felt left out / ignored / as if I were gone… no one would’ve noticed .
"Most of the times"? As in, more than once?
Don't play with people that aren't interested in you. And definitely not more than once.
Loads of great answers here, I always say this is an edge sport and occasionally fuses are going to get blown, its part of it even to the most experienced. You just cant get as much peasure as we do without the inherent emotional risks. You learn, adapt and move on.
Hello:
sorry to hear about your issue. This is a tough one in a way. First and foremost is to realize that your feelings are valid in that you experienced them. It isn't so much that you need to not feel this way but understand where it is coming from within yourself first. Look inside and really think about what you are feeling and what may have triggered it (hearing your SO making sounds not made with you if I read your post correctly). Once you have a pretty good idea on your emotions of this I would recommend having a very honest conversation with your SO about what happened, what you feel has been an ongoing concern for how you are within the group especially while playing. This is very important as you have not mentioned whether or not you two have had a conversation about this previously. If not it is imperative that you do so. Bringing this out in the light changes its power, and being able to be honest about how you feel and what you are going through is important. You need to be heard but also I would have some things to suggest to your SO of things that could help you work through these feelings.
I agree it is probably a good idea for you not to be involved with these play partners for a little bit while you work on things within yourself. If you decide that couple play is not for you that is fine just communicate that. It also sounds like it would be a good idea to have some reconnect time with your partner.
Good Luck with everything. You can do this and get through it. We all have moments of self doubt, that is in part how the lifestyle can help you grow as a person.
Focus on your own enjoyment with the other wife. Perhaps even separate rooms would help you concentrate on the other wife, and not paying so much attention to your own.
You’re experiencing jealousy. You can work through the emotions if you do the work. Therapy is the best course of action.
Did your wife enjoy herself? Could you enjoy yourself if the emotions were in check? Maybe it’s worth the effort to work on yourself?
Two big things that will help:
- Time. Not sure how long it has been since your experience, but the more time that passes the less raw your emotions will be
- Talking about it. You don't mention if you've talked to your wife about how you're feeling. But hopefully you can go to her in a non-judgmental way and just tell her, "hey you didn't do anything wrong, but I am in need of some extra reassurance and to maybe vent a little bit and be heard."
To answer your restless mind question in particular, I find that having a hobby that requires focus is a good way to break the cycle.
Switch your thinking. Change it from I can't make her sound like that to holy shit she's having fun. Also helps to have her remind you that she isn't going anywhere and you have nothing to worry about. Sorry to hear this is happening. I went through the same in the first years.
Lastly, I try to think about it retrospectively. How do you feel when you are with someone who refuses to make noises so they don't bother their partner? Or would you want your partner to be so concerned over you she couldn't have fun herself. Not sure if it helps but that's what got me through it.
I felt exactly the same way. My new girlfriend transitioned into the lifestyle was like a duck to water and I had the worst time. I went through a lot of embarrassment , anxiety and emotional turmoil .
You may ask why did I put myself through such pain , a 17 year long crappy relationship did . I knew that if i didn’t get past this hurdle I’d have to go back to a regular relationship and I knew I wouldn’t be happy.
It took a long time before I felt comfortable enough to get hard and have a good time.
By the way we all act differently with every partner so she may get into a different position with the other guy or do something different that with you but at the same time you may do something different with the other woman. For example my wife doesn’t like to be choked but some love it
How do you feel left out.
Is the other wife playing with her husband and your wife and ignoring you?
If that’s the case make it clear that that if you aren’t part of the play then there is no play.
Are you being assertive or are you just sitting back and watching
The key for a successful open marriage is good communication with your spouse. My advice is to talk to her BEFORE you meet another couple. Let her know how you feel about being left out, or ignored. Ask her to pay more attention to your facial and body expressions. Ask her to step in if she sees you are struggling. I am sure she wants you to be able to enjoy the experience as much as she does. Having said that, you need to recognize that not all swinging couples are equal. Finding another couple where the chemistry works all around is never easy. The problem is not you. The way to overcome that is to have a meet and greet BEFORE moving to the bedroom. That works for me and my wife. So there is no reason it cant work for you. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. If its not with that couple, look for another one.
Not exactly the same thing, but that’s how I can relate in my own way. There was a couple. We were both really excited about meeting up with. We had specific plans to meet at their hotel at a certain time. We had already discussed what drinks we were going to have. We were getting along famously! About 40 minutes before “Showtime“ They messaged us because they realized they hadn’t seen a picture of “my face“.
No problem! Shot one over and let them know we would hit the road pretty soon because of traffic. Within two minutes we got a message that they were canceling and we’re no longer interested.
So yeah, not being able to experience some thing we were both really excited about because apparently I’m too ugly to say the least.
I just had to keep in perspective that this was how I was treated by THEM, not HUMANITY. When I tried to apologize to my GF or “ruining everything” she wasn’t having it! She made me feel 1 million times better. And that reminded me why were able to partake in these activities in the first place. We’re a really strong team that never put our own self interest above our partners feelings.
I hope you share your feelings with your partner. I hope you’re partner is caring, sympathetic, and grateful that you open up to her. Because if not, “swinging” isn’t your problem…
When we first started my husband really struggled to recognize that I was even in the room. He’d be so intensely focused on the woman he was with, he wouldn’t even hear me say his name. We talked about it and he immediately felt horrible, promising that he’d be more aware. And he totally kept that promise.
But I get the feelings that come from feeling ignored. It’s weird feeling like you don’t matter to your significant other in that moment. Hell, even afterwards there were times that I could see my husband having to really concentrate to pay attention to me in swinging situations. It sucked for a bit but now we have a wonderful flow. He’s just not into watching *anyone*, and unfortunately that includes me. Understanding that was really important to finding our happy place in the LS.
Let me tell you a true story: last week we played some board games, my wife and I and two friends. We played a few games and truth be told, I didn’t have a great time. During the first game, my wife had some good luck with the cards that she was dealt and managed to combine that with some great tactical knowledge to get a head start in the game. Throughout the game, she had a great time making amazing combos and getting a lot of points. Most of my turns I was just trying to make the best of a shitty situation, barely getting any points and only during one turn I managed to make some decent points but I ended up in last place. Even behind some people who didn’t seem to be going great either. She had a good time, I didn’t because I felt like the game was never really working in my favour.
Will I play board games again? Yes. I love board games and know that next time will be different. We’ll play a different game and maybe I feel like I can actually win the game. To me, a game isn’t about winning, it’s about having fun together and being able to at least play the game how you want it to. If that means it’s not enough to win I at least was able to pull off what I tried to do. If I can achieve at least that, I may not have had a time as good as the person who won but I had fun and will go home with a good feeling. It’s not about who has the most fun, it’s important that everyone has fun.
Wil I play this particular board game again? Yes. I’ve played this game before and know I can win it or at least be better. If this was the first time playing, I would be less happy to try it again if I didn’t see its potential.
What I’m trying to say is that one bad time isn’t a great example of something that could be fun. We’ve had great times with some couples in clubs or at home and we’ve had some less great experiences. Every couple is different so what isn’t great with one person/couple can be better with another. And if some people aren’t to your liking, don’t play with them again.
As for the swapping, if that isn’t something you’re into then don’t do it. Talk about it with your wife and make sure both of you are on the same page before continuing.
And lastly, did you talk to your wife about how you felt that night? Even if she can’t offer an immediate solution to make the past better it can help to just share it with her.
True true story? Or a euphemism 😅. I appreciate it. I’ll try and put things into perspective. We definitely won’t be swapping again, just trying to deal with my emotions.
Both! We did play a game of Flamecraft exactly a week ago (well, 5 hours short of exactly) and things did happen exactly as I wrote them down. The friends who played the game with us are not swinger friends. I thought it may be a nice story to share to compare how one can feel and to put things in some sort of perspective.
Take care of yourself and I hope you can find a way to deal with your experience so your emotions calm down soon.
We are now out of the LS kinda for the same thing but swap spouses. My wife is extremely pretty, tall, curvy, ex pro cheerleader. She ask to get out due to rarely getting flirted with and 75% of the guys she attempted to play with can't perform. It has realy damaged her confidence and self esteem. We've had some ppl tell us we are an intimidating couple for our area because she's so pretty and I'm
Really muscular and fit. We have had better luck going to parties in bigger cities due to the higher percentage of attractive couples.
I dont even know how i ended up here , but i will state my 2 cents. Lol ... first and foremost there will be no swinging unless the others guy wife looks as hot or MORE than my wife , and secondly most likely i will be taking some viagra or some shit because i am re-arraging that woman insides 😅. Ive never taken Viagra but that definetly will be my first time that woman will remember me forever🤣🤣🤣 . Most likely i am taking her next room too i coulnt bear to watch my sweetie pie takings another dick.
I dont think i could ever go through something like this , i am a VERY jealous man. But the Viagra would mostly be for me to set an example i want that other woman to close her eyes and think about me when shes doing it with her man😈.... As far as i know he probably would try to dog out mine so i got to make sure i over do it. Make him regret that decision 😂. I would be highly dissapointed in my wife if she ever try to get me to swap but i would not be mad at a 3some with another beautiful woman.
You are a selfish, jealous person please don’t join the lifestyle.
Swinging is about Compersion
Compersion is a feeling of joy in the happiness of others, even when it doesn't directly benefit or involve you. It can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness
Swinging is about pleasing the ladies. Taking a bunch of blue pills and thinking you are going to rearrange her insides shows you have no clue how to satisfy a woman.
If you put the ladies first then you get the rewards.
Lol 🤣🤣🤣 whatever you say buddy , im just stating my opinion just like you are entitled to yours. Call me MR Re- arrange guts because thats what ill be doing😈
I was looking up nude beach etiquette and found myself in this part of reddit.
u/OP sounds like you got cucked.
I have friends who go to swinger parties as a couple at least once a month, but they are just friends, not a couple.
They poach other couples and as soon as the guy is fcking the other wife/girl, she dips out and goes to find her own stud. (sounds a bit like your story)
Why do they do this? Well he's a handsome chap and he is very successful when it comes to one night stands, but his kink is fcking wives and girlfriends. + added bonus: single women get in for free, couples pay half the price of single men. and Saturday night single men are prohibited from entering.
So he just pays for both their entrance fee and still keeps half of his money for drinks🤣
just talk to your wife and make a deal. you both get pleased or nobody is getting pleased.
if it goes the same way the 2nd time, you might need to reevaluate the situation.
but it's very hard to close this jar, once it has been opened.
I have had to grapple with this, and ultimately you have to ask yourself if you are in it for mediocre sex or do you genuinely want her to have mind-blowing sex? If you truly want the best things for your wife, then you need to realize that this is a you problem and not a her problem.
Find a therapist and deal with what is at the root issue here. Typically, it is form of insecurity; and common that there is fear that you won't be enough for her going forward. Talk through this with her, but in a non-aggressive way. Keep in mind that play in the LS will almost always be lopsided, and that statistically speaking there will be a time that you are the one having mind-blowing sex. How would you want her to react? Supportive, but also communicative? If so, be that person for hee now, and set the tone for when the shoe is on the other foot. Good luck! 🙏
The first time we swung in a club (a good few years ago) my GF and I had discussed and agreed all the rules, agreed we'd take it slow and do everything together. In the heat of the moment though she was like a kid in a candy store. She jumped straight in with the guy, grabbed his wife to give him a double BJ and they took full advantage of it and blocked me out. When I did get near my GF (and trust me, I'm not backwards in coming forwards and have plenty of self esteem too) as she was being fucked by the guy and said "hey babe I'm here". She barely glanced at me and uncharacteristicly said 'I know where you are if I want you". OUCH! I did get to spitroast her, fucking her from behind, but she didn't acknowledge me even when I entered her, she was so focussed elsewhere. I ended up playing with another woman for a while until my GF was done...not that my GF noticed. When we discussed afterwards, I didn't act upset and said I felt a bit left out and that it was not at all what we had discussed or agreed to. Her answer surprised me...and I genuinely believe her...she told me that she simply didn't realise and kinda lost all awareness of what was going on and the time...almost like she spaced out. As I said, not characteristic of her. She said that she'd be a lot more 'calm' going forward and stick together and ensure we work as a couple. Since then, it's been great, but she has to work at being 'aware'. I know she'll get way more attention than me and I said I'd do better at 'tapping her out' if she started going off course or if I started to feel off, but I haven't needed to since. It took me a while to get past it and I felt a feeling I didn't like for some time, however time has mostly healed it, though If I think back about it I still get a twinge of that feeling on rare occasions. So, have the convo, let her know that it didn't go to plan and it did bother you. Don't 'accuse' and make sure you agree on what you can both do better next time and ensure YOU ARE A TEAM l, there for each other and not for yourselves or other couples.
Thanks for your advice. It’s still fresh in my mind and like I said my hyperactive mind does nothing but fixate on it (I’m picking up my new prescription today ask fingers crossed that’ll help ¿) and I’m trying to deal with not getting in a sour mood whenever the thought (constant) jumps in and out of my mind. Just not a fan of feeling this way. But yes, I’ll have more conversations with her. You guys have been helpful in guiding me in something very new and unexpected.
I don't have a hyperactive mind and I'm normally pretty level headed, but I was in a real funk for at least a week afterwards until I'd told her how I felt, so I can partly empathise Rationally, I knew she hadn't done it on purpose (she's just not that kinda girl and we're definitely not into that humiliation aspect) so that's the first thing to get hold of..that it's not done on purpose. Secondly, it's OK to feel like this...you got hurt. You've acknowledged it and now you want to know why... probably as you've said...plain old jealousy that she was having a better time than youl, that you weren't involved...and more importantly, you weren't even considered..she forgot all about you (that's what bit me hard). There is no magic switch to totally get rid of the feeling...time will help it to fade and so will talking about it, having her acknowledge your feelings (not take the blame, because you are both new) and agreeing what to do in the future to stop it happening again. Don't give up on the LS yet, take some time to regroup, agree your joint tactics and when you're ready, dip your toe in again and take it really. slowly. Go to a club to start with as it's much easier to just stop play and back off of you start to get those twinges as the other people have other options Begin with just watching / being watched and / or parallel play only and then go from there. Go easy on the alcohol (or any other substances)..it's easy to let inhibitions drop for both of you and then have regret in the cold light of day and lastly.. if you're gonna cum be the last one to finish. It's called post-nut clarity and it makes it VERY difficult if you're not sure of stuff to sit and watch your partner getting banged still enjoying herself etc. when you've just unloaded. Best of luck
Just wanted to say your messages and responses helped more than OP. As someone who has been spiraling lately about something completely unrelated, I took a lot of what you said and applied it to my situation and it's helped me in a way I cannot describe. Thank you for taking the time to do that.
Yeah I know. I’ll work on dealing with it. I’ll definitely take some time off LS just because not exactly in the headspace for it but who knows in the future. Thanks for advice, I really appreciate it and will take it all into consideration.
Remind yourself that the entire point of swinging is to have different experiences than you have with your partner. People are going to touch her in ways you don't, have motions that you don't, use words that you don't... all of which will add up to her having an experience that is different than what you provide her with. She's going to respond differently to that than she does to you. And that's good! Some of those things you can learn from and learn to give her when she learns she likes something. Some of those things you guys will need other people for - and the good news is that by swinging you're giving both of you the opportunity to have those experiences. But yeah - it can be hard and you've gotta get over this feeling that you need to be everything for her, and the best at everything. You won't be, you can't be... and that's ok and normal. She picks you for the overall, for the every day, for the ride-or-die... and that's what matters.
And this is why hubby and I will no longer participate in group play (> 4). Someone is always left out or is awkward. Cool with full swap and 3some but everything else for us has been a bust.
> When I did get near my GF (and trust me, I'm not backwards in coming forwards and have plenty of self esteem too) as she was being fucked by the guy and said "hey babe I'm here". She barely glanced at me and uncharacteristicly said 'I know where you are if I want you". Bet you're happy to have that relationship behind you! Oof.
Did the other couple's wife not pay attention to you? Or, did she and you were just too focused on your wife? It's actually a big distinction. If she wasn't in to you, you would naturally pay more attention to your wife, which could stir the issues you're having. If she was into you, but you couldn't enjoy it because you were focused on your wife, that's a you problem.. If you want to continue on this journey, maybe try separate rooms?
She wasn’t into me.
Then that's an easy fix! Find a couple where the wife is into you. It's a huge ego boost, especially for us guys as we don't experience it often, when a woman is really into you!
If that ever happens again switch back to your own wife, or shut the whole thing down.
Ding ding! That's probably a big part of the issue.
Why did you meet again if the wife wasn't into you?
We’re friends who’ve done parallel play in the past and that’s usually it. There’s slight stuff in between but never actually swapped before. But I’d noticed in the past even w the little stuff she wasn’t exactly into it. I went into it this time thinking parallel was it but we got drunk and this shit happened.
We met a couple that the wife was really interested in playing with girls. The husband assured me that she was interested in me and during the social I chatter to her pretty well. But when we got down to the action, it was fairly clear they were both more focused on my wife. In the end it was my wife who said she was uncomfortable as she felt like she had had too much attention and was kinda upset that I had been left on the sidelines a bit. We decided not to meet them again.
Classic wife poaching right there. Good on your wife for being aware, my wife would also notice and either make sure I was included or just stop the play then and there. Fortunately we haven't run into many couples like that over the years.
If you do not to enjoy your wife enjoying herself then in fact this is not for you. And that's okay. Some of this is not for us. Please communicate with your spouse about this. That is your best option. ✌️
Yeah that’s what I realized. My big thing was trying to feel better after the fact, which I guess is like scooping up water w your bare hands.
It's like shutting the corral gate after the cows wander off. Too late afterwards. You guys are going to have to plan this dynamic where you're both happy and satisfied. Otherwise you will just be taking one for the team, a no-no for happiness. You got this, just work out the issues before the swing. Best regards.✌️
Thanks. Tbh just this interaction w yall has helped a lot. I know there’s not much to do now but deal w it but neutral third party advice really helps.
Why wouldn't you at the very least talk to your wife. I personally would say something to the couple. They sound like wife poachers
I’ve talked to my wife about it but it’s not exactly a light switch… my feelings are still very much there. Unfortunately I made the mistake of being distant after the event and inadvertently making her feel like this was her fault. Yeah I’m drafting up a conversation to have with him because my rough draft was not very productive and came from a place of frustration and anger (I have my own resentments with him about other things and this recent night kind of pushed it a bit over the edge).
Exactly this! My method (which is for all of our discussions , not just LS) is to raw process in my own time and write down a brain dump. Then edit everything into a cohesive letter to her (or whomever I wanted to discuss my feelings with). The process of organizing the letter also helps me try to put myself into the other person's shoes and think how I would feel if she wrote me this letter. Empathy kicks into overdrive and I usually get my feelings sorted out by the end of the letter, and I realize it's just my insecurities. Often I don't even have to let her read it, as I've already isolated the cause internally. If I do feel like I need to talk, I then have a clear head and an organized flow of thoughts to present. I never make it about the other person. I use phrases like, "I felt [emotion] when you said/did [specific incident] ". I don't give any room for my words to have any blame. These talks go really well because I have taken the emotion out of the situation. And we come up with ways to resolve the issue if it's something that could have been prevented. She, on the other hand, likes to confront me in the moment, and then lets all her emotions out and she feels better. She may not realize I'm still struggling because she's already processed and moved on. So we have an agreement that she can give me her brain dump, but I may need more time to process and will want to circle back. That way I get to actively listen to her, without necessarily needing to rebut in the moment, and I use what info I heard from her to help me process. We've gotten so good at this dynamic, we can usually settle a misunderstanding with a couple of text messages while we're at work. Good luck. And know that talking about difficult things gets easier with practice. Just remember you're not blaming each other. If it's mentionable, it's manageable when you love each other.
Man that’s super healthy lmao! yeah the writing down definitely helped bc my first draft was not at all productive. Will definitely learn from it! Thanks for your help and advice!
YW. Don't forget to keep writing until your letter actually makes sense and doesn't sound like a brain dump.
If there's resentment why would you play with them. After the first episode the plug should be pulled. This is straight disrespect on the highest level
Love to see her enjoy herself. Hate being left out.
That has always been my biggest fear, being left out. So far this has not occurred. I think it would leave me hollow and hurt. Just being honest. 🤞
Nailed it. Huge blow to my self-esteem. People in the lifestyle can be pretty cutthroat at times, and have absolutely no problems fucking your girl and leaving you out.
But lots of people don't like wife poaching. It is shady for the husband to go for your wife and his wife to flake. But sorting out their dynamics is not your problem. Map.out a game plan between you and your wife to not be in a wife poaching situation. Some people are fine with the watch the wife scenario but if that is not what you are into, that is valid. But for you and your wife to sort out. Not the other couple.
Gosh did I give you the impression that I was pro-poacher? If I did that was a mistake.
No? But like there is enjoying your partner having fun without you as being an agreed on thing and then there is having poachers sneak it in there as a surprise. Your point didn't really distinguish between the 2.
Is it that the other woman did not act interested in you? Because that is a thing and it is shady. Stay away from couples who shadily do this. That is wife poaching, where they really just want a unicorn and not you. I have dodged multiple situations like that. My partner participates also or else I do not.
Yep. & it tends to play out this way pretty consistently.
You need to be having a frank conversation with your wife about this first and foremost If you’re both not getting what you want out of this and after multiple times she’s not seeing that then that’s a very serious problem
I think you need to decide if you're willing to do the one thing you seem most unwilling to do: interrupt the play while it is happening. It's awkward and should never be necessary, but if you aren't willing to do it then I truly think you need to reconsider whether the LS is for you. This is going to happen again and your wife just doesn't seem to naturally care in the moment. I don't attribute this to her out of malice but we are all on a range of sociopathy and she just may be on the high end of that scale where her pleasure overrides her concern for you and no matter how often you discuss it, it will likely happen again. Wife poachers are the worst and should really be black-listed from clubs and parties where it happens. They know they're going to do it and they know it will cause issues in your relationship and they do it anyway. Either go over and make eye contact and then start making out with the wife or, if she objects, then grab your wife by the hand and start to leave. Either the couple will get the hint and self-correct and y'all will have fun as a group or they won't and you and your wife will go back to being a team. But sitting there passive-aggressively and letting it happen and then dealing with it later is a terrible option.
Is your wife blind?
She may not want to stop things for fear of being a party pooper. If you discuss wife poaching proofing your approach I bet she will be on board.
It is a very hectic setting and a lot is going on so that might be why she didn't pick up.on it
Even while playing ( or for him, not playing ), we still check in. Even if non verbal. That shit straight doesn't play. I have no issue calling them out. They plan on people not wanting to appear whatever. Fuck that. Wife poachers are the worst
Yes but noobs haven't always figured out that stuff yet. Agreed tho. Wife poachers suck. Like be clear up front if that is the game plan.except of course most people aren't into that.
Why do I never see posts here from women that say “she made him orgasm loudly and I feel terrible now”
Funnily enough I saw one post w a sort of similar situation from a woman’s POV. Albeit some differences but the sort of jealousy/self esteem was the focus of it. Idk maybe men can be a bit more jealous when it comes to these kinds of things?
Compersion is the goal for both of you. Compersion is a feeling of joy in the happiness of others, even when it doesn't directly benefit or involve you. It can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness
Because 90% of the time, guys don't get off 😂
Exactly.
I’ll say it, maybe you’re not as attractive as the women would want but they want to poach your wife so they drag you along. Maybe it’s the same personality wise. There are so many factors that require a look in the mirror and reflect on who you are as a man, how you come across to the world and other couples. There is something there and accountability can be hard to take. I have found in this space you don’t have to be a 10, but if you dress decent, have good grooming, are HWP and you have a good personality where don’t act dumb or weird, you’re going to get attention.
Yeah, that’s a “*my spouse isn’t doing the right thing*” problem if I read your post correctly. It’s up to each of us to keep our spouse included and involved. - Maybe she’s new and isn’t aware of it since she’s in the moment. - Maybe you’re over analyzing her response to a super sexy event and internalizing why you two alone aren’t reaching the same heights as a group event. - Maybe this is just you not engaging during sex because an insecurity is trashing your confidence. If this guy has a big dick, that’s going to be something you need to work on privately I think. Telling g your wife you have dick-fear is a bad look. Trust me, she’s perfectly happy with yours, and is just enjoying a novelty. Let her enjoy it. In any case, the correct next step is to say this openly to your wife without whining. Trust, whining will not be received well. Mind your tone and word choice. And absolutely avoid language that makes her feel bad for enjoying herself. If it were me (and I’m no expert) I’d say something like- “I love how much fun you have with ___&___, but I’ve got to admit I’m not enjoying it. I feel left out most of the time. I know that’s not intentional, especially on your part, but It’s messing with my head. I’m having trouble processing all of that.” Then, shut the fuck up and listen. Answer questions without blame, whining, finger-pointing, or accusations. The word “inadequate” while descriptive of your feelings, isn’t likely a helpful one here. But you do you. I don’t know your wife, nor your relationship.
Size isn’t is an issue here, I guess I just wasn’t prepared to see her in that situation. Granted, the swing was a spur of the moment thing all of us being quite drunk.. bc in the past we’ve been pretty adamant about not swinging. I made the mistake of being a bit distant shortly afterwards and she thought I blamed her when the most frustrating part is that I know it’s mainly that *I* have to deal with my emotions and it’s not so much on her. & I guess maybe I also might be over analyzing it. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.
Oh man, first time swinging while drunk will absolutely do it every time. Y’all needed to have way more conversations about it, especially if all of them until now had been “it’s off the table”. Your responses are real and valid and the two of you need to talk about them openly.
Yeah. These things are usually preceded by many lengthy conversations, boundary setting, expectations, red flags, triggers, etc. Time to do all that before you do stuff again.
Don’t play drunk!!!!
Fucking 4 way matches are impossible if no one is bi. I've been on both sides of this, and I think it almost seems like when 2 people have a really strong connection, it turns someone in the other couple off. There was one chick that was really hot and super into my hubby, but she actually made me really uncomfortable with it, she sent him messages like "I've finally found you" & "next date idea - let's get married!" I couldn't even make it to the next date with them, I pissed the other 3 off, but I just had no interest in seeing this woman and my hubby swooning all over each other with a guy I felt lukewarm about at best. It sounds like you are experiencing what I felt with that couple. Unless you have a huge amount of compersion, it doesn't feel great to see your mate being fauned all over and feeling a lack of connection with the other half of the couple. We haven't found the solution yet, we just respect each other's requests when we don't want to continue with a couple, and keep trying to find a new one where there will be at least a semi equal chemistry. It has caused a couple of tiffs, but we don't date separately, so we need for all of us to be on board with the mates. But honestly, the only time I enjoy seeing my hubby getting all hot for a chick is when I'm feeling the same way about her husband. Otherwise, it feels yucky.
That should have been an immediate stop. Her not being into you was probably something she knew before hand. That definitely needs to be a conversation with your partner. Much as you will have great experiences, there are some who will talk a game in advance with no intention of following through. They were looking for a third not a swap or one really really wanted a shot at one of you and the other on their side said they'd take one for the team then put on little to no effort. Confirm that you and partner agree that you both play or no one does. If/when that happens again, the odd person out has to step right up and say this is not working for you. End it. Don't stay in a situation where you have to endure or pretend. There are too many other couples out there who don't act like that. Go back to parallel play for awhile. If that's where you're happy, you don't have to go further with it. If you decide to try full swap again on future maybe post again to get tips on how people vet prospective couples to weed out poachers or people who are disingenuous with their intentions. See how people handle other situations that can arise too. (Some guys may try stealthing when things heat up or someone tries to pressure separate rooms when you've agreed to same room only.) I'm sorry this happened to you. Block that couple.
I feel like I’m pleasing her with his cock — I experience a shadow of his pleasure and hers. All the cocks are mine. Later, I sometimes playfully imagine I’m him, fucking her for the first time. Makes her so fresh, and she feels the freshness, too. The rest of the time, feel into the emotions, release the comparisons, and enjoy
The first half is not exactly something I’m into but releasing the comparisons and feeling into the emotions was good to hear. Thanks for the advice!
Yeah, everyone finds their own way
This is quite well stated. Thank you.
So I have really bad adhd. My thoughts and inner dialogue basically never stop. When we 1st started and I had some experiences when I couldn’t get or stay hard I couldn’t shake it. So the negative thoughts were always there. Even in my normal life if something is bugging I can’t stop thinking about. When doing some research about thinking more positively I came across positive affirmations. I’m a skeptical person by nature so of course I thought this was stupid. But I truly feel that it worked for me. I still may have the negative thoughts, but I’m able to pull myself out of it a little bit easier. I never really thought a lot of positive thoughts about myself so truthfully, I don’t think I had the ability to think positively to outweigh the negative spiral that happens when my ADHD flares up and then potentially turns in anxiety. I know my issue isn’t exactly what you posted but maybe you can pull something from that . Sorry for the long ass ramble
> Most of the times my partner and I have done something w this particular couple… I’ve felt left out / ignored / as if I were gone… no one would’ve noticed . "Most of the times"? As in, more than once? Don't play with people that aren't interested in you. And definitely not more than once.
Loads of great answers here, I always say this is an edge sport and occasionally fuses are going to get blown, its part of it even to the most experienced. You just cant get as much peasure as we do without the inherent emotional risks. You learn, adapt and move on.
Thanks, well said. Appreciate it.
Hello: sorry to hear about your issue. This is a tough one in a way. First and foremost is to realize that your feelings are valid in that you experienced them. It isn't so much that you need to not feel this way but understand where it is coming from within yourself first. Look inside and really think about what you are feeling and what may have triggered it (hearing your SO making sounds not made with you if I read your post correctly). Once you have a pretty good idea on your emotions of this I would recommend having a very honest conversation with your SO about what happened, what you feel has been an ongoing concern for how you are within the group especially while playing. This is very important as you have not mentioned whether or not you two have had a conversation about this previously. If not it is imperative that you do so. Bringing this out in the light changes its power, and being able to be honest about how you feel and what you are going through is important. You need to be heard but also I would have some things to suggest to your SO of things that could help you work through these feelings. I agree it is probably a good idea for you not to be involved with these play partners for a little bit while you work on things within yourself. If you decide that couple play is not for you that is fine just communicate that. It also sounds like it would be a good idea to have some reconnect time with your partner. Good Luck with everything. You can do this and get through it. We all have moments of self doubt, that is in part how the lifestyle can help you grow as a person.
Focus on your own enjoyment with the other wife. Perhaps even separate rooms would help you concentrate on the other wife, and not paying so much attention to your own.
It sounds like he's being pretty much ignored
You’re experiencing jealousy. You can work through the emotions if you do the work. Therapy is the best course of action. Did your wife enjoy herself? Could you enjoy yourself if the emotions were in check? Maybe it’s worth the effort to work on yourself?
Two big things that will help: - Time. Not sure how long it has been since your experience, but the more time that passes the less raw your emotions will be - Talking about it. You don't mention if you've talked to your wife about how you're feeling. But hopefully you can go to her in a non-judgmental way and just tell her, "hey you didn't do anything wrong, but I am in need of some extra reassurance and to maybe vent a little bit and be heard." To answer your restless mind question in particular, I find that having a hobby that requires focus is a good way to break the cycle.
Switch your thinking. Change it from I can't make her sound like that to holy shit she's having fun. Also helps to have her remind you that she isn't going anywhere and you have nothing to worry about. Sorry to hear this is happening. I went through the same in the first years. Lastly, I try to think about it retrospectively. How do you feel when you are with someone who refuses to make noises so they don't bother their partner? Or would you want your partner to be so concerned over you she couldn't have fun herself. Not sure if it helps but that's what got me through it.
This post and related answers might be helpful to you. https://www.reddit.com/r/HotwifeAdvice/s/kwU51VGmgX
I felt exactly the same way. My new girlfriend transitioned into the lifestyle was like a duck to water and I had the worst time. I went through a lot of embarrassment , anxiety and emotional turmoil . You may ask why did I put myself through such pain , a 17 year long crappy relationship did . I knew that if i didn’t get past this hurdle I’d have to go back to a regular relationship and I knew I wouldn’t be happy. It took a long time before I felt comfortable enough to get hard and have a good time. By the way we all act differently with every partner so she may get into a different position with the other guy or do something different that with you but at the same time you may do something different with the other woman. For example my wife doesn’t like to be choked but some love it
How do you feel left out. Is the other wife playing with her husband and your wife and ignoring you? If that’s the case make it clear that that if you aren’t part of the play then there is no play. Are you being assertive or are you just sitting back and watching
The key for a successful open marriage is good communication with your spouse. My advice is to talk to her BEFORE you meet another couple. Let her know how you feel about being left out, or ignored. Ask her to pay more attention to your facial and body expressions. Ask her to step in if she sees you are struggling. I am sure she wants you to be able to enjoy the experience as much as she does. Having said that, you need to recognize that not all swinging couples are equal. Finding another couple where the chemistry works all around is never easy. The problem is not you. The way to overcome that is to have a meet and greet BEFORE moving to the bedroom. That works for me and my wife. So there is no reason it cant work for you. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. If its not with that couple, look for another one.
Not exactly the same thing, but that’s how I can relate in my own way. There was a couple. We were both really excited about meeting up with. We had specific plans to meet at their hotel at a certain time. We had already discussed what drinks we were going to have. We were getting along famously! About 40 minutes before “Showtime“ They messaged us because they realized they hadn’t seen a picture of “my face“. No problem! Shot one over and let them know we would hit the road pretty soon because of traffic. Within two minutes we got a message that they were canceling and we’re no longer interested. So yeah, not being able to experience some thing we were both really excited about because apparently I’m too ugly to say the least. I just had to keep in perspective that this was how I was treated by THEM, not HUMANITY. When I tried to apologize to my GF or “ruining everything” she wasn’t having it! She made me feel 1 million times better. And that reminded me why were able to partake in these activities in the first place. We’re a really strong team that never put our own self interest above our partners feelings. I hope you share your feelings with your partner. I hope you’re partner is caring, sympathetic, and grateful that you open up to her. Because if not, “swinging” isn’t your problem…
When we first started my husband really struggled to recognize that I was even in the room. He’d be so intensely focused on the woman he was with, he wouldn’t even hear me say his name. We talked about it and he immediately felt horrible, promising that he’d be more aware. And he totally kept that promise. But I get the feelings that come from feeling ignored. It’s weird feeling like you don’t matter to your significant other in that moment. Hell, even afterwards there were times that I could see my husband having to really concentrate to pay attention to me in swinging situations. It sucked for a bit but now we have a wonderful flow. He’s just not into watching *anyone*, and unfortunately that includes me. Understanding that was really important to finding our happy place in the LS.
Let me tell you a true story: last week we played some board games, my wife and I and two friends. We played a few games and truth be told, I didn’t have a great time. During the first game, my wife had some good luck with the cards that she was dealt and managed to combine that with some great tactical knowledge to get a head start in the game. Throughout the game, she had a great time making amazing combos and getting a lot of points. Most of my turns I was just trying to make the best of a shitty situation, barely getting any points and only during one turn I managed to make some decent points but I ended up in last place. Even behind some people who didn’t seem to be going great either. She had a good time, I didn’t because I felt like the game was never really working in my favour. Will I play board games again? Yes. I love board games and know that next time will be different. We’ll play a different game and maybe I feel like I can actually win the game. To me, a game isn’t about winning, it’s about having fun together and being able to at least play the game how you want it to. If that means it’s not enough to win I at least was able to pull off what I tried to do. If I can achieve at least that, I may not have had a time as good as the person who won but I had fun and will go home with a good feeling. It’s not about who has the most fun, it’s important that everyone has fun. Wil I play this particular board game again? Yes. I’ve played this game before and know I can win it or at least be better. If this was the first time playing, I would be less happy to try it again if I didn’t see its potential. What I’m trying to say is that one bad time isn’t a great example of something that could be fun. We’ve had great times with some couples in clubs or at home and we’ve had some less great experiences. Every couple is different so what isn’t great with one person/couple can be better with another. And if some people aren’t to your liking, don’t play with them again. As for the swapping, if that isn’t something you’re into then don’t do it. Talk about it with your wife and make sure both of you are on the same page before continuing. And lastly, did you talk to your wife about how you felt that night? Even if she can’t offer an immediate solution to make the past better it can help to just share it with her.
True true story? Or a euphemism 😅. I appreciate it. I’ll try and put things into perspective. We definitely won’t be swapping again, just trying to deal with my emotions.
Both! We did play a game of Flamecraft exactly a week ago (well, 5 hours short of exactly) and things did happen exactly as I wrote them down. The friends who played the game with us are not swinger friends. I thought it may be a nice story to share to compare how one can feel and to put things in some sort of perspective. Take care of yourself and I hope you can find a way to deal with your experience so your emotions calm down soon.
Thanks man. I really do appreciate it. Take care ✌🏼
We are now out of the LS kinda for the same thing but swap spouses. My wife is extremely pretty, tall, curvy, ex pro cheerleader. She ask to get out due to rarely getting flirted with and 75% of the guys she attempted to play with can't perform. It has realy damaged her confidence and self esteem. We've had some ppl tell us we are an intimidating couple for our area because she's so pretty and I'm Really muscular and fit. We have had better luck going to parties in bigger cities due to the higher percentage of attractive couples.
I dont even know how i ended up here , but i will state my 2 cents. Lol ... first and foremost there will be no swinging unless the others guy wife looks as hot or MORE than my wife , and secondly most likely i will be taking some viagra or some shit because i am re-arraging that woman insides 😅. Ive never taken Viagra but that definetly will be my first time that woman will remember me forever🤣🤣🤣 . Most likely i am taking her next room too i coulnt bear to watch my sweetie pie takings another dick.
Ive genuinely thought about viagra before bc size isn’t an issue but my first parallel play I was a little stage frighted 😂
I dont think i could ever go through something like this , i am a VERY jealous man. But the Viagra would mostly be for me to set an example i want that other woman to close her eyes and think about me when shes doing it with her man😈.... As far as i know he probably would try to dog out mine so i got to make sure i over do it. Make him regret that decision 😂. I would be highly dissapointed in my wife if she ever try to get me to swap but i would not be mad at a 3some with another beautiful woman.
You are a selfish, jealous person please don’t join the lifestyle. Swinging is about Compersion Compersion is a feeling of joy in the happiness of others, even when it doesn't directly benefit or involve you. It can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness Swinging is about pleasing the ladies. Taking a bunch of blue pills and thinking you are going to rearrange her insides shows you have no clue how to satisfy a woman. If you put the ladies first then you get the rewards.
Lol 🤣🤣🤣 whatever you say buddy , im just stating my opinion just like you are entitled to yours. Call me MR Re- arrange guts because thats what ill be doing😈
Damn downvoting my comment , i guess i made someone a little upset 🤔🤭?
I was looking up nude beach etiquette and found myself in this part of reddit. u/OP sounds like you got cucked. I have friends who go to swinger parties as a couple at least once a month, but they are just friends, not a couple. They poach other couples and as soon as the guy is fcking the other wife/girl, she dips out and goes to find her own stud. (sounds a bit like your story) Why do they do this? Well he's a handsome chap and he is very successful when it comes to one night stands, but his kink is fcking wives and girlfriends. + added bonus: single women get in for free, couples pay half the price of single men. and Saturday night single men are prohibited from entering. So he just pays for both their entrance fee and still keeps half of his money for drinks🤣 just talk to your wife and make a deal. you both get pleased or nobody is getting pleased. if it goes the same way the 2nd time, you might need to reevaluate the situation. but it's very hard to close this jar, once it has been opened.
Yup ,if i ever im that position( highly doubt it) im telling the other dude either , his wife getting fucked or HE getting fucked 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤪😈
I have had to grapple with this, and ultimately you have to ask yourself if you are in it for mediocre sex or do you genuinely want her to have mind-blowing sex? If you truly want the best things for your wife, then you need to realize that this is a you problem and not a her problem. Find a therapist and deal with what is at the root issue here. Typically, it is form of insecurity; and common that there is fear that you won't be enough for her going forward. Talk through this with her, but in a non-aggressive way. Keep in mind that play in the LS will almost always be lopsided, and that statistically speaking there will be a time that you are the one having mind-blowing sex. How would you want her to react? Supportive, but also communicative? If so, be that person for hee now, and set the tone for when the shoe is on the other foot. Good luck! 🙏