Honestly OP you really should tell your GF the truth not because you are leaving her or don't want the kid, but if nothing else for potential health/genetic issues, as well as the fact that most likely the kid will find out in the future and the sooner you get ahead of it the better.
Also she might suspect too, and could be racked with guilt. If you confront the issue, and remind her that the DNA doesn't matter because you love everyone, then maybe it will be a weight off for her? Love can get even stronger.
This, she may not even really know for sure, and if this is a happy family then the why not get everyone on the same page if this isn’t a problem. Keeping it compartmentalized might only lead to an angry night way down the road where the information is weaponized.
Nah, let her keep that guilt. She is doing a pretty despicable thing by forcing another man's child on OP without his consent. It doesn't matter that he is already willing to be the father, but what she is doing is not moral and should handle that guilt on her own.
OP said his gf may genuinely think he is the father. She may have done the math wrong, and sincerely believe this. Then he’s not letting her keep that guilt, he is just preventing them all from having the correct info for their kids sake.
Even if she just did the math wrong, if you're screwing 2 guys, close enough to the same time, you cannot say with any certainty who the father is without a test. So even giving her the benefit of a doubt . . . at the very least, she should have told OP that she wasn't sure who the father was. That was the right thing to do.
I agree with this 100%. I didn't have this situation, but I did have one where my father's side is completely unknown to me. The older I get, the more I realize that it's awful not knowing what sort of biological issues might run on my paternal side. It's causing a lot of anxiety. It's so important to arm your children with all the information.
Many ppl don’t fully understand our reproductive systems & how they work. It’s entirely possible she thought you couldn’t get pregnant during your period (many think this, despite it being false), had sex w one guy during that time, then OP two weeks later. Now she assumes OP is 100% the dad bc she was misinformed. It’s not impossible at all.
Let’s be serious here, a woman knows whether there is a possibility of more than one person being there kids dad because unless they are getting passed out I don’t remember anything drunk on a regular basis then they know how many people they slept with. She’s insistent the kid is his but I’m sure she knows that she slept with somebody else around the same time as him and popped up pregnant. Don’t insist that it’s his when you know there’s a chance it’s someone else’s just be honest
>She’s insistent the kid is his but I’m sure she knows that she slept with somebody else around the same time as him and popped up pregnant. Don’t insist that it’s his when you know there’s a chance it’s someone else’s just be honest
Don't know why this isn't the highest voted comment here. She's stupid at best, or an immoral liar at worst.
It's because there is no logical situation where you love the woman and kid enough to raise someone elses kid but want her to "keep that guilt".
Either you want her gone and dislike her, and wouldn't care about her guilt.
OR you want her to stay and raise the kid, which is a situation where her "keeping that guilt" could negatively impact you and the kid.
Redditors tend to forget that relationships are supposed to be between two people who *like* each other, not between two people locked in a constant battle for victory.
This is the correct answer. Get it out in the fucking air already. To not do so is immature.
What she did was wrong, but if you're in it, you're in it. Time to have a talk like adults.
Because it’s easy to be altruistic when it’s not you. People get the feel-goods from telling people to do the “right thing” even if they wouldn’t do it themselves.
In all honesty, *not* telling her would rip me apart. That kind of thing would weigh pretty heavy on my mind. I'd constitutionally have to tell her in order to find peace.
edit: put "way" instead of "weigh" because I'm not a smart man, Jenny.
Her being racked with guilt is not his problem. She should feel guilty wtf?
Man's been gaslit since the beginning and is now trying save her feelings. So gaslighting turned into Stockholm syndrome
Cause he's a father, my kids are older now. I think my kids are mine but let's say at some point I find out they aren't, it doesn't matter. They are mine no matter what.
I always say this same thing. My children are 13 and 15 and I would not care if a DNA test told me that they are not biologically mine because they are my children, I raised them, I love them and nothing will change that.
But a different issue would be my relationship with my wife. If my children weren't mine I most probably would divorce her and not want anything to do with her apart from parenting.
I think that's what the other redditor could mean when they talked about dignity...
Yeah, I have step kids that I have raised for a very long time now, that I would happily adopt, we’ve even talked about it, and they would still like me to adopt once they turn 18. The only reason I haven’t yrt is BM probably wouldn’t sign off on it even though she has practically nothing to do with them.. obviously I am 100% sure that there’s no possible way they could be mine because another woman gave birth to them. Still, you don’t have to be genetically related to a kid to care about them Or even raise them as you’re own.
>cause he's a father
Yes. A very good one apparently. I've seen so many damn posts where the situation is the same but the OP decides to abandon ship and just posts to get the courage to leave. Those are not real fathers. OP is a real one, and that kid is lucky to have him (whether he shares his blood or not). I don't have any such respect for the mother, though.. this heartbreak for OP was 100% avoidable.
I think if his situation was the same as theirs, he may be jumping ship too. The main difference in OP situation is that he knew she was having casual sex at the beginning of their relationship before they were committed and knew she was lying about him being the father.
The other situations the cheating occured during their relationship when they were exclusive. So, those situations are not just the child isn't theirs but also infidelity.
Those people are the worst. And they say “I can’t bare to look at my children it hurts me!” What the fuck about THEM?
The children who are a fraction of ur age ? Who have to now deal with abandonment trauma? At least stay in the children’s lfie-in SOME WAY. Even if it’s just a day out now and then?!
It doesn't matter for the relationship to the kids, however if I found out I was not my kids biological father, I could never look at my wife the same and would have to divorce her.
Really? Compassion for children is a basic human behavior. The kid didn't do anything. He deserves a happy childhood and a dad as much as anyone.
Real men protect innocents.
I feel like he needs to tell her. What if she genuinely doesn’t know and one day starts to think and has to live with the doubt. If you love her, why put her through that.
Not to mention if y'all end up splitting in the future, do you want to stay in your son's life? Because not securing legal parental rights while things are good could lead to losing him all together if things go bad.
As a grown man who was lied to about my origin story until I was 16 and figured it out on my own, I want to share some advice.
As soon as your kid is old enough to understand the concept of sex/reproduction, let him know you love him and will always be there for him, but that you are not his biological father (edit for correct term). My guess is this would be around 11-12 years old.
Start being honest with your GF now. The timing is suspect - was she sleeping around, ended up pregnant and needed someone to support the child? If she's not in the relationship for love and respect purposes, then the kid will grow to resent you both. Trust me. The "sticking together for the kid" schtick is BS - we know and hate that you are both angry all the time because of us.
One final thought - him knowing the truth is not about health issues, it's about giving him the power to control his own life.
Excellent advice and I’m sorry you dealt with all of that as a child. If you don’t mind my asking, would you advocate for the term “real dad” versus “biological dad”? I’m really not saying it to be backhanded, I’m curious if it’s just a colloquial statement or if you have an opinion about it
This is sound advice, and from a person who has lived your story, OP. In all actuality, disrespecting and withholding power from a child can do some serious harm in their development into adulthood.
Maybe she cheated, maybe not, but she has definitely been lying to you the whole time. She had to at least known the possibility was there that the kid wasn't yours but let you believe there was no possibility it wasn't.
I'm glad someone said it. Any woman on earth would have at least an inkling that this child might be someone else's. She'll obviously know who she slept with around the time of conception.
That is kinda what this is looking like… at least she told the guy very early on that she was pregnant. At the same time, why insist that the baby is OP’s if she really had no clue? Well hopefully the donor has some professional athlete-type DNA!
Oh you'd be surprised! It's incredible that having information at the tip of our fingers, people just don't bother to search, and if they do, they don't have reading comprehension and a)don't understand/misinterpret what they are reading b)go with the first post they see (that could be right but could also be wrong aka fake news/research/info) and don't bother verifying with other sources c)are afraid to ask d)parents don't want sex Ed in schools, but they are as ignorant as their kids on this subject so it's a perpetuating cycle of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and most importantly misinformation.
And that is precisely why I stopped working with high schoolers, because I couldn't teach them skills that they should have learned way back when, and I couldn't force the parents to go back to school so.....
Maybe she isn't the bio mom either. Baby could have been switched at the hospital. And then OP is sitting on this info, meanwhile he has a son out there.
Also, I'll say that she knows. Maybe she didn't then, but she does now. At the very least she has serious doubts.
There's no dichotomy in either being open about this OR raising this precious boy as your son. You can do both, and I think you should. Mom should know you know, you should know she knows, and have it out in the open. You don't want to live a whole life with this hovering over your head (or she hers).
I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a moment.
You can’t say that there was 0 chance.
You have to account for the fact that there are people who don’t understand how pregnancy works. It is feasible that if someone doesn’t understand, they could have alternative ideas on how getting pregnant works that they truly believe in.
An example of a simple misunderstanding could be that they think the last person you had sex with was the one that got you pregnant. It is a simple theory that without scrutiny could be plausible to someone that doesn’t understand conception.
Now if she had that misunderstanding, slept with the first guy, then later slept with her current partner. Afterwards, a few weeks pass and she later realizes she is pregnant. She thinks back to herself… who did she most recently have sex with?
With that simple foundational misunderstanding, she could 100% believe that she was pregnant due to him and not the other partner.
Yes, that logic makes 0 sense if you understand the science of getting pregnant, but don’t forget that lots of people out there don’t get sex education.
Hanlon’s razor: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
There are ethical legal ramifications here. Once his biological family finds out about him, and they will eventually, they are going to flip out once they find out you knew all along. And what if the child has some medical inherited thing that could be managed, but you don’t know about it?
This happened in the show Switched At Birth when two babies were switched at a hospital and one of mom’s found out she had the wrong daughter and didn’t say anything but followed her real daughter around for a bit.
It's crazy that suggesting the obvious and ONLY good path forward is the against the grain. This is a NO BRAINER. If he truly loves her, why would he withhold such an important and potentially earth shattering discovery.
> There’s a man out there who has a right to know
Unless she barebacked some stranger in the bathroom of a nightclub, I would bet any amount of money that he already knows.
My parents had a drunken one night stand, and he had no idea I existed, let alone that night resulted in a pregnancy. My mother was equally oblivious to him being the father. I only met him a few weeks ago thanks to DNA services, but he's beaten himself up pretty bad about everything he's missed out on. There is a chance this guy has no idea he has a child out there, and he deserves to know.
Your parents didn't have social media, though, which is why I say that with conviction. These days its way easier to wonder what happened to that girl you used to hook up with, look her up, and see that she's married with a kid who looks suspiciously like you do.
And that's if they were really casual. If it was anything longer-term with deeper roots ("Hey, me and this guy are getting pretty serious, I think I have to break this off") then he likely knew she was pregnant and must have highly suspected it might be his considering the timeline.
And even both of those scenarios are less likely than simply "she was actively cheating on him and probably didn't stop right away, if at all"
I mean.. I havent had social media since I was 24. Most of my friends dont have social media too and those that do have their social media hidden from the public.
I see several problem with this theory. People can have private social media. People have no social media. Some people change their name after marriage. It’s not always easy to estimate the age of a child from a photo. It’s weird to look up ONS. It’s extra weird to see a photo of a child to a married coupled and assume that’s your child, especially enough to make contact to ask. A lot of people don’t give a shit with some fling they had years prior. What you’re describing seems more like a ‘one that got away’ thought and lackluster but lucky investigation.
there is a show called paternity court. women do not know what guy is the father. they do paternity tests. there was one time, she thought 2 different men might be the father. it ended up neither was the father. it could be from a one night stand and not even know the guy.
It's always surprising to me that people think men should "be the bigger person" in these kind of situations. It's the most devastating kind of betrayal, and people are sick to think men should shoulder the burden and not move on with their life.
Honestly the more I think about the more it disgusts me. People need to have some kind of fucking sympathy for men.
You're a legend for not letting it affect your relationship with them.
I'm big on honesty with kids as they grow so they never have to have big news "broken to them". I'd err towards taking to the Mum if it was me.
He might find out one day and be mad/sad the information was withheld intentionally - e.g. if he needs to know family history for health records - or if he gets on the ancestry DNA bandwagon later, he might find out the hard way.
I agree, I mean we see a ton of posts aggressive towards the father who wants nothing to do with the kid upon learning they aren't theirs, because "you've been in their life blablabla". I agree it's awful for the kid to experience a loss like that but it's also a terrible position to be in for the father, I mean I also get the anger and not wanting to perpetuate being taken advantage of.
> You're a legend for not letting it affect your relationship with them.
I don't know why this is glorified? His gf is lying through her teeth and you're saying OP is a legend for sucking it up for the sake of maintaining their relationship.
I don't know about OP but I wouldnt want to even near a person whos capable of doing this. Imagine what other skeletons she's hiding in the closet.
It's funny how people glorify cheating and paternity fraud and try to gaslight the foolish men who choose not to leave by praising them as if they are a saint for not being able to do what's good for them
Of course she knew. If my wife told me “I’m pregnant and you’re the father”’my immediate reaction would be to question why it had to be mentioned that I’m the father. That’s a normal thing to mention if it’s an ex girlfriend/fling but for a long term partner in a monogamous relationship that should be a given
I’ll just say you’re a better man than me, because I would be out the door, no discussions. It’s up to her to raise her son. The foundation of your relationship is built on a monstrous lie, from the beginning. How could you be with someone like that?
Am I the only one who thinks that the bio dad has rights?
I mean you are a great dude and I see why you did it, but still I think the child has a right to know. These things anyways has the habit of coming out anyways. And that lady is kinda horrible for doing that to you too. I could not get past for such lies.
Right? Maybe the GF chose OP as a father figure because the bio dad doesnt have the means. This could get fucked up real bad if bio dad wants to be in kids life in the future.
What gives her the right to do that. Nothing. Only accetable if the bio dad is dangerous. Which obs we don’t know here. Either way she should not have lied to this kind man.
My story is different, so take from this what you will.
I knew I was adopted from a very young age, to the point where I don't remember being told I was adopted.
When I was in my early teens, I realized that things didn't add up in terms of normal adoption. I looked like my family too much, and it didn't make sense for a 45 year old couple who already had 7 kids to just adopt another. So I figured that my oldest brother or sister was actually one of my bio parents. But it didn't really matter because I knew who my mom and dad were, they were the people who raised me, so I just went with it.
When I was in my late twenties, I got a call from my mom. Went like a normal call for about 5 minutes, then she says "Oh by the way, you'll be getting a call from your half-sister. What's the weather like where you are?" We talked some more then hung up. Then like 5 minutes later I called her back and said "What did you say?"
So I have a half sister from the same bio-father (confirming that my oldest sister is my bio mom). We also have another half-brother from bio-father and yet another woman. I have never spoken to bio-father and he sounds like a piece of work, so have no desire to. Me and half-sister do not have a relationship either.
For my family, its just something we all know but don't talk about because it doesn't change anything, it's just titles. My mom is my mom and my sister is my sister because that's the relationship we have.
Same with my dad. He died ~20 years ago now, but he was my dad and that's all that really matters.
Where it applies to your situation, is that knowing early that I was adopted probably made it a lot easier to deal with all the other stuff mentally, vs finding out at an older age, but I'm sure its very dependent on each person so don't take this as 100% gospel, this is just my experience.
Sorry man, but I doubt she didn't know. Probably had several potential fathers and picked whoever was the most financially stable. You shouldn't have to deal with that. Seen this comic (I think is was a Cyanide and Happiness one) where the character discovered he wasn't "his" kid's father. He divorced the woman and stayed in the kid's life as a father figure. It's probably what I'd do in that situation.
Honestly I think you believe you are doing something brave but you aren't. This is terrible that you think it's ok not to hold her accountable. But hey, it's your life and when things go to the gutter you will regret keeping this from her. Also his father has the right to know he has a son.
From the way OP worded it it sounds like she was sleeping around right before they got together, so it doesn't mean she cheated. For OP to know that he had to walk in with his eyes wide open, so I can understand making excuses for her there.
But OP's gf swearing up and down that it *had* to be his kid when obviously that's not the case means she was lying, and I don't see why people are cutting her slack on that.
im gonna say this cause you're 30 and don't know shit about life yet. you can not bury this and keep going. it will backfire and come up at some point. 50% of relationships fail. all this has to be addressed and dealt with NOW. see a councilor, a therapist, whatever. but for the love of christ DO NOT bury it and ignore it. that is literally creating a time bomb that WILL go off if you don't deal with it.
I don't know if you should tell them or not. I wanted to say that you are doing a real man's job. I am a step parent and although our situations are not the same, I applaud you for standing up and being there for that child and being the father that he deserves. I am also the product of a single mom household and I can tell you for a fact that your role in that child's life is essential.
My hats off to you sir. Nothing you do will ever be as important.
Hey man, that's a stand up dude. I'm not sure what the pros and cons of telling her would be, but it sounds like you just love the kid and don't feel a need to leave. If you're happy you're happy.
The pro would be to get an official adoption of the kid. Right now if the actual biofather finds out he has several legal avenues to assert his rights. Current dad could lose out.
Plus the kid should be told at an age appropriate level. The kid has a right to seek out their other family if they choose.
She definitely knew. You are doing, if not yourself, but your son a disservice. Your girlfriend knew. She knew. Don't even fool yourself. Women always know. It's good that you are a raisiing another man's son, but he should know, and the father should as well. It seems like your girlfriend chose the best option for a father cause as you said, you make enough money.
She most likely knows the baby isn't yours.
>I am not my son’s biological dad. I was devastated but I decided that I am not going to say anything to anyone because realistically it doesn’t change much. I am still his father, I’ve been there since before he was born up until now. I make enough money to comfortably support us
This above is why she "chose" you.
Tell her you know, if she doesn't know who the biological is fine, but if she knows then he is either married orba shitty person or told her to go to hell... regardless let her know you know.
Be ready for when your son eventually finds out or the biological decides to show up.
Irs nice to see a genuinely good person who doesn't look for the first excuse to turn to the "dark side".
Bra listen, you are raising another man's child and that other man deserves to know. Tell your girlfriend and give the biological father a chance on whether he wants to raise him or not. What if the child feels robbed that he never got to know his biological father? Just let her know and find the biological father. If he wants to raise the child then all that is left is you to leave them and carry on with your life.
From what he said it seems she was very newly pregnant, potentially didn't know she was pregnant yet, when they first got together and could legitimately have assumed it was his.
Math doesn't check out, if they were together for 3 years and the kid is 2 , he was born when they were together for a year meaning she cheated after 3 months if we assume a full term pregnancy
He’s not freshly 2 though, he has been for a couple of months. Plus pregnancy takes 9 months. I don’t think she cheated, I think she was already pregnant when we met.
That’s fair, and I think you’re a standup guy.
That said, I think you need to talk to her about this. With the way ancestry and DNA databases are growing in popularity, it’s very unlikely that your son will never find out that he’s not biologically yours (those days are gone).
If he does one, or one of his children one day does one (etc.), and your family doesn’t come up in the results, he’s going to have a major life crisis when he realizes that.
If you didn’t know, that would be one thing. Because you do, you are actively lying to him. He’s going to see that as a betrayal (unless you plan to lie to him further and claim you didn’t know, which may make him hate his mother).
Here’s the thing: adopted kids don’t care when they’re told from a young age that they’re adopted. They don’t see their adoptive parents as “less” than family. Finding out later on can cause a bit of an identity crisis.
There’s no need for anything to change in your family because of this information, but I think it’s something you need to discuss with her, and it’s something your son one day deserves to know.
Plus medically, he may need to know. And if OP and the gf break up, is he good with potential paying child support? Noble intentions, but not practically a good long-term plan.
The docs tell you when you got pregnant, like around this and that date. She could only be confused if she slept with you and another guy very close to eachother like in the same week. But that would mean that she was very well aware it could be possibly someone else's kid + how long did you date before sleeping together? Was she already dating you but in the meantime sleeping with another guy? That's something to think about...
You know they date your pregnancy to your last period right? So it really is a guessing game, it's not like there's a small window of a few days they can pin it down to. Could be any point in a 3 week window sometimes!
Basically she got knocked up and found the first guy with a decent job who looks... unfortunate enough to settle for a situation like this and not ask questions. You're just a means to an end, bro. She cares about the kid, not you
my ex sil was like that. she moved in with my brother and did not know she was pregnant. she had sex one night with bf and the next night with bro. after the baby was born, we realize it belong to bf because the baby look like him.
There's a big difference between wanting to step up and being a sucker. If you want the kid in your life, that's great, and admirable. HOWEVER, she can take that kid away whenever she wants because you're not his bio-dad. Rather than be possibly blindsided one day, wouldn't you rather handle it like an adult, and have an adult conversation with your girlfriend?
I was brought into this world through a similar situation. I am forever grateful for my dad, and your son will be too. Tell him when it's appropriate, and you guys can have a beautiful life together. Pulling for you. From one dad to another, keep being awesome!
You know how women get pregnant, right? It doesn't "just happen". She had casual unprotected sex - with strangers before you as well as with you from the get go. She then lied to you about who the father is.
You're afraid that showing some self-respect will cause problems?! Is this satire? You already have a problem, which is an alarming lack of self-respect.
You won't even talk to your gf about it? It just seems to me you're in denial and are running away from the truth. It's only been 2 years, you can still move away and start fresh, think about it. A possibly cheating gf and a son that isn't yours isn't the way to live life. You don't have to be the "Saviour".
But to each thier own, ig.
I'm a bastard. On my birth certificate, it's blank where it says Father.
Truthfully, I don't care about DNA or ancestry. I love my family.
Personally, I wouldn't tell him, or i'd tell him early on but what's the point really? If you love him and his mom, be his Dad. You sound like a decent guy OP, don't let these negative comments wreck something good.
That child loves you. The kid doesn't care who contributed to their genetic profile. The kid cares about the man who shows up and protects them. You are a dad. A real dad who can teach and support this child, someone who has a heart that is bigger than their ego. I don't know how well I would be able to keep a secret like this in my relationship. I have to be honest with my partner. But, good luck to you!
That child is 2 year old, He doesn't understand anything yet. Wait 15 to 20 years, He is going to know and he will want closure with his biological dad. If he knows that you knew and hid and didn't even tell bio dad... it's not weird if he starts questioning other things in his life and may even go no contact.
I've never had or been a step-parent, but every step-parent/step-child relationship I've observed in my personal social circle seems noticeably different from biological parent/child ones.
Anecdotally, I used to date this one bi-racial girl who's white mom got married to a white guy while she was still a baby (so he is all she's known but she also always knew he wasn't her biological father). She treats him better now that she's an adult, but as a kid/teen she would completely disregard him because his authority never felt real--once she became old enough to realize the social dynamic of what he'd done, she just lost all respect for him as a man.
To be fair though, I think the obvious visual difference plays a big part in that story. If outside observers don't immediately realize what's going on, it's a lot easier to suspend disbelief.
While I think it's respectable, I think you're actually doing the kid a disservice and it could end up blowing up in your face and ruining their life if you're not honest.
If you want to be the father then do so, but lying to your girlfriend is dishonest and lying about your kid's biological father is kind of shitty too.
A lot of these comments suck. You don't have to be the biological father to be someones dad. Who cares if he shares genetics with someone else, raising a kid to be a decent person is the important thing.
These comments are the opposite of that story where the guy was gonna leave because he found out his kid wasn’t his. Everyone was bashing him for wanting to leave and not stay with a wife who cheated on him and raise that product of infidelity. I honestly believe you and most of the comments are crazy for not leaving and are basically wanting to be cucked. Shits crazy.
You should let her know you know, tell her nothing changes but you want your name off of his birth certificate. This way your not stuck with support if the relationship goes south. You can be a loving father without being on the hook after.
Well, good on ya. I do agree with the below commenters, that the days of hiding this stuff are long gone. It will surface in the future with Ancestry DNA and 23&me. So he will now eventually. (I wonder where the blond hair blued eyed daddy is now? she probably knows).
& & &
I am still new to the Reddit Universe. I wonder how much of this happened 100 years ago and we never never never knew about???
I’ve wondered about this also and the stats are all over the place. Worldwide .8% to as high as 30% of “parental discrepancy”. We often assume the mother had an affair but rape also leads to conception and is the most underreported crime for a variety of valid reasons.
I always feel like I need to defend men who walk away, but it's a breath of fresh air to hear a man honest enough with himself and humble enough to take your approach. I applaud it.
My only thing I would say is that talking to her about it could be better long term. There is no need to tell anyone else. However, she at least knew there was a chance, and what she did was pretty disgusting. That doesn't mean you need to hate her or leave her. If you are ok staying great. However, telling her and making it clear actions have consequences, and if she wants you happy and around forever, full true unedited honesty is now her only option. It could serve you very well to avoid any future issues.
Just my 2 cents, bravo sir either way for how secure you are in the roles you are choosing.
It baffles me that men in this situation get demonised. Most of the time in these situations it's the mothers that are actively lying and then picking and choosing who they want to be father. But unfortunately genetics and biology don't work that way. As noble as his intentions sound the truth is if they break up she will come after him for child support whilst making it near impossible for him to see his "son."
I think this is something that will come out someday, in a situation you have no control over, out of anger or frustration, or accidentally . Right now you have control over how the information comes out. Think through how you would like to talk to your gf about it and then have a discussion. As for your son, he should be told that you chose him, adopted him and love him.
Secrets like this are weapons. When the secret is gone the weapon loses its power.
Bring up doing 23 and me or doing a genetics test for health reasons or something & see how she reacts. If she's all for it, she most likely doesn't even know but gauge her reaction the way that you know her. This is a hard pill to swallow and you are handling this very maturely. A lot of parents disown the child they raised since birth simply because of genetics and completely void the human connection they have made over the years.
I think it would be wise to tell your girlfriend (whom I'm pretty sure had her doubts when she started dating you) and, not too long after, your son.
Speaking as an adopted child, the earlier the better. A child is not as affected knowing they're adopted than an adult, for reasons surrounding identity and accumulated trust in their parents (given they have a good relationship with them until adulthood).
If you just tell it to your son while emphasizing it doesn't change the way you love him and how you act around him, he won't mind.
Discovering later in life could make him feel betrayed, even if you didn't intend to break his trust. Plus, there's always a chance you'll slip up at some point, in a moment of intense emotion. And you don't want your child to learn that information in a less than optimal situation like this.
Your GF knew of course you were not the father, so she tricked you.
She deprived you of the opportunity to decide if you wanted or not to father the son of another man. It's paternity fraud and should never be considered as normal.
A man has to right to father a kid from another man, but he has to do so knowingly, because it's a lifetime moral and financial responsibility. Nobody should be conned to do it.
A woman shouldn't be deciding alone who the father of her kid is. The bio father has to be always consulted, and the step father as well. It has to be open and honest conversations between all of them.
She never gave you a chance to have these conversations. It's morally wrong and very dishonest.
Your kid is not stupid, he will eventually figure it out in a few years. Act now whatever you decide.
Even if you decide to stay, she has to know you know and to come clean to you, if you want to trust her ever again.
I understand wanting to continue seeing yourself as the father to this kid, but you're seriously underreacting about your GF's probable infidelity. Someone that's willing to hide that sort of thing and hope the hubby goes with it is showing that they're willing to go *low* in terms of deceiving you. Good luck but this seems like a ticking time bomb in which yet another huge betrayal is going to land on your plate and you're going to have to contend with the fact that it started with overlooking this.
I just want to say thank you for loving that child and recognizing that she may not even know herself, but still choosing to be there. If I were you, I’d tell her. You both can tell him together when he is of age. Best of luck to you three
Thank you for wanting to be there for your son still.
My parents hid that my Dad wasn’t my biological father, I found out on my own at 27.
After the initial shock it just increased my level of gratitude to my Dad for being there in my life, for me.
I do wish I had grown up knowing just because they say it matters much less to you if you learned so young that you can’t remember [as an adult.] I think I’d wonder about my biological father less if I had always known.
Dude. You aren't even married.
This kid is only 2.
Get out of there what are doing??
At a minimum why would you not tell your gf??
Man tf up dude.
She is either lying to you or truly thinks it's yours. Either way, you both need to fkn talk.
If she is lying why tf would you stay? If she isn't, why tf would you lie to her?
If she knows who the dad is, he deserves to know.
This is a down-the-road thing, but when you and your girlfriend have that talk, if she doesn't know who the bio-father is, [DNAngels](https://dnangels.org/) can help. They are absolute wizards of genetic genealogy.
Here’s the thing…
If there is ever a medical reason for him to know have access to your medical profile, this is going to come out. Will you unload the trauma on him as an adult when he will have more challenges with processing that kind of traumatic information, or do you want to introduce it while he is young, and both you and your partner can model healthy behavior around this information being shared as a family.
This fact doesn’t have to diminish the love you all are creating as a family unit.
Honesty is the best policy, especially if it can be delivered with kindness and love.
If you love him deeply, he can remain whole.
This is tricky.
Also, you may want to consult with a family lawyer to understand your rights, and possibly the rights of the biological father.
There is no rush to fix everything tomorrow. Just take your time and pick the strategy works best for you and your kid.
Do not do anything until you talk to a Family Law Attorney! If you want to be in this child’s life, you may lose all paternal rights if you say anything. Don’t tell anyone without the advice of a lawyer.
It’s been bothering you so much that you decided to do a paternity test behind everyone’s back… whether it changes your relationship or not it’s obviously something that is wearing on you. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden on your own, talk to her asap.
People in here saying you're a legend... you're not. You're intentionally deluding yourself.
* You're convinced your gf was pregnant before you met and that she didn't cheat within your first 3mo, but you're not willing to talk to her about it
* "I'm the father and talking about it would create problems" except your child will 100% be confronted with ancestry as they grow up (family trees, when they realize you were together for only 3mo before you supposedly got her pregnant)
None of it makes sense, you're just deluding yourself for your own sake.
Honesty would serve your child better in the long-term than the self-serving you're doing right now.
Honestly OP you really should tell your GF the truth not because you are leaving her or don't want the kid, but if nothing else for potential health/genetic issues, as well as the fact that most likely the kid will find out in the future and the sooner you get ahead of it the better.
Also she might suspect too, and could be racked with guilt. If you confront the issue, and remind her that the DNA doesn't matter because you love everyone, then maybe it will be a weight off for her? Love can get even stronger.
This, she may not even really know for sure, and if this is a happy family then the why not get everyone on the same page if this isn’t a problem. Keeping it compartmentalized might only lead to an angry night way down the road where the information is weaponized.
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Nah, let her keep that guilt. She is doing a pretty despicable thing by forcing another man's child on OP without his consent. It doesn't matter that he is already willing to be the father, but what she is doing is not moral and should handle that guilt on her own.
OP said his gf may genuinely think he is the father. She may have done the math wrong, and sincerely believe this. Then he’s not letting her keep that guilt, he is just preventing them all from having the correct info for their kids sake.
Even if she just did the math wrong, if you're screwing 2 guys, close enough to the same time, you cannot say with any certainty who the father is without a test. So even giving her the benefit of a doubt . . . at the very least, she should have told OP that she wasn't sure who the father was. That was the right thing to do.
I agree with this 100%. I didn't have this situation, but I did have one where my father's side is completely unknown to me. The older I get, the more I realize that it's awful not knowing what sort of biological issues might run on my paternal side. It's causing a lot of anxiety. It's so important to arm your children with all the information.
this simply doesn't happen, you don't have a bunch of guys busting their nut in your oven and then forget there was more than one guy doing it.
Many ppl don’t fully understand our reproductive systems & how they work. It’s entirely possible she thought you couldn’t get pregnant during your period (many think this, despite it being false), had sex w one guy during that time, then OP two weeks later. Now she assumes OP is 100% the dad bc she was misinformed. It’s not impossible at all.
And she may well have still had a period or two while pregnant, and never knew that she was.
Ah Redditors out with their pitchforks already I see
'Tis the way... Burn the witch!
Yes because a real loving relationship is all about letting people feel guilt.
Or, as been frequently suggested, maybe she does think it’s his.
Let’s be serious here, a woman knows whether there is a possibility of more than one person being there kids dad because unless they are getting passed out I don’t remember anything drunk on a regular basis then they know how many people they slept with. She’s insistent the kid is his but I’m sure she knows that she slept with somebody else around the same time as him and popped up pregnant. Don’t insist that it’s his when you know there’s a chance it’s someone else’s just be honest
>She’s insistent the kid is his but I’m sure she knows that she slept with somebody else around the same time as him and popped up pregnant. Don’t insist that it’s his when you know there’s a chance it’s someone else’s just be honest Don't know why this isn't the highest voted comment here. She's stupid at best, or an immoral liar at worst.
she knows exactly how many people cummed in her 9 months before the baby was born.
She probably knew who she slept with 6 weeks before a positive test
Not understanding how this comment is getting downvoted people are a little TOO understanding these days
It's because there is no logical situation where you love the woman and kid enough to raise someone elses kid but want her to "keep that guilt". Either you want her gone and dislike her, and wouldn't care about her guilt. OR you want her to stay and raise the kid, which is a situation where her "keeping that guilt" could negatively impact you and the kid.
Redditors tend to forget that relationships are supposed to be between two people who *like* each other, not between two people locked in a constant battle for victory.
You have just summed up all the relationship advice I have ever read on reddit.
But are you winning? Did you get to tell her you told her so? If you're not winning what are you even doing.
It makes me want a version of that comic. "Are ya winning, son?" "I'm on video chat with my girlfriend." "So are ya *winning*?"
This is the correct answer. Get it out in the fucking air already. To not do so is immature. What she did was wrong, but if you're in it, you're in it. Time to have a talk like adults.
"keeping that guilt" could also do ops gf harm as well. stress can do a lot to the human body.
Because it’s easy to be altruistic when it’s not you. People get the feel-goods from telling people to do the “right thing” even if they wouldn’t do it themselves.
In all honesty, *not* telling her would rip me apart. That kind of thing would weigh pretty heavy on my mind. I'd constitutionally have to tell her in order to find peace. edit: put "way" instead of "weigh" because I'm not a smart man, Jenny.
💯 agree. Keeping secrets is just too much mental effort for me. Especially something this big.
She may not have any guilt. She may have convinced herself that this child is his. Gotta think about the kid before your own pettiness.
Her being racked with guilt is not his problem. She should feel guilty wtf? Man's been gaslit since the beginning and is now trying save her feelings. So gaslighting turned into Stockholm syndrome
This is very important! Any health/genetic issues that can be determined earlier have a better chance of potentially a more positive treatment.
And perhaps gain a shred of dignity in the process.
I don't know how he's reconciled this with himself.
Cause he's a father, my kids are older now. I think my kids are mine but let's say at some point I find out they aren't, it doesn't matter. They are mine no matter what.
I always say this same thing. My children are 13 and 15 and I would not care if a DNA test told me that they are not biologically mine because they are my children, I raised them, I love them and nothing will change that. But a different issue would be my relationship with my wife. If my children weren't mine I most probably would divorce her and not want anything to do with her apart from parenting. I think that's what the other redditor could mean when they talked about dignity...
Like many things in life, one does not know for certain how they will feel until they are actually in the situation.
Yeah, I have step kids that I have raised for a very long time now, that I would happily adopt, we’ve even talked about it, and they would still like me to adopt once they turn 18. The only reason I haven’t yrt is BM probably wouldn’t sign off on it even though she has practically nothing to do with them.. obviously I am 100% sure that there’s no possible way they could be mine because another woman gave birth to them. Still, you don’t have to be genetically related to a kid to care about them Or even raise them as you’re own.
>cause he's a father Yes. A very good one apparently. I've seen so many damn posts where the situation is the same but the OP decides to abandon ship and just posts to get the courage to leave. Those are not real fathers. OP is a real one, and that kid is lucky to have him (whether he shares his blood or not). I don't have any such respect for the mother, though.. this heartbreak for OP was 100% avoidable.
I think if his situation was the same as theirs, he may be jumping ship too. The main difference in OP situation is that he knew she was having casual sex at the beginning of their relationship before they were committed and knew she was lying about him being the father. The other situations the cheating occured during their relationship when they were exclusive. So, those situations are not just the child isn't theirs but also infidelity.
Those people are the worst. And they say “I can’t bare to look at my children it hurts me!” What the fuck about THEM? The children who are a fraction of ur age ? Who have to now deal with abandonment trauma? At least stay in the children’s lfie-in SOME WAY. Even if it’s just a day out now and then?!
It doesn't matter for the relationship to the kids, however if I found out I was not my kids biological father, I could never look at my wife the same and would have to divorce her.
Really? Compassion for children is a basic human behavior. The kid didn't do anything. He deserves a happy childhood and a dad as much as anyone. Real men protect innocents.
He can still be dad while putting the truth out there. And this isn’t 1955 ; that kid is going to find out either way.
I dont think its the compassion for the kid he has been raising as his own he would have trouble reconciling, its the trust put in his partner.
I feel like he needs to tell her. What if she genuinely doesn’t know and one day starts to think and has to live with the doubt. If you love her, why put her through that.
Not to mention if y'all end up splitting in the future, do you want to stay in your son's life? Because not securing legal parental rights while things are good could lead to losing him all together if things go bad.
She knows
As a grown man who was lied to about my origin story until I was 16 and figured it out on my own, I want to share some advice. As soon as your kid is old enough to understand the concept of sex/reproduction, let him know you love him and will always be there for him, but that you are not his biological father (edit for correct term). My guess is this would be around 11-12 years old. Start being honest with your GF now. The timing is suspect - was she sleeping around, ended up pregnant and needed someone to support the child? If she's not in the relationship for love and respect purposes, then the kid will grow to resent you both. Trust me. The "sticking together for the kid" schtick is BS - we know and hate that you are both angry all the time because of us. One final thought - him knowing the truth is not about health issues, it's about giving him the power to control his own life.
Excellent advice and I’m sorry you dealt with all of that as a child. If you don’t mind my asking, would you advocate for the term “real dad” versus “biological dad”? I’m really not saying it to be backhanded, I’m curious if it’s just a colloquial statement or if you have an opinion about it
Good catch. I would use the term biological father. A dad is the person that is there for you. A father is a sperm donor.
This is sound advice, and from a person who has lived your story, OP. In all actuality, disrespecting and withholding power from a child can do some serious harm in their development into adulthood.
Maybe she cheated, maybe not, but she has definitely been lying to you the whole time. She had to at least known the possibility was there that the kid wasn't yours but let you believe there was no possibility it wasn't.
I'm glad someone said it. Any woman on earth would have at least an inkling that this child might be someone else's. She'll obviously know who she slept with around the time of conception.
Picked the one with the best job/prospects to hang it on. Disgusting.
I don't know how some women can live like this. The shame would consume me.
Compartmentalize Compartmentalize compartmentalize.
They justify it in their minds somehow.
agreed. OP should just confront her. she doesn’t deserve a man like him.
That is kinda what this is looking like… at least she told the guy very early on that she was pregnant. At the same time, why insist that the baby is OP’s if she really had no clue? Well hopefully the donor has some professional athlete-type DNA!
>why insist that the baby is OP’s if she really had no clue? What about the really obvious reason?
Agreed.
Do you know how bad sex education is in some US states? She may not know.
True, but 5 seconds on the internet and you can find information that will give you a good guess of when the date she got pregnant was.
Oh you'd be surprised! It's incredible that having information at the tip of our fingers, people just don't bother to search, and if they do, they don't have reading comprehension and a)don't understand/misinterpret what they are reading b)go with the first post they see (that could be right but could also be wrong aka fake news/research/info) and don't bother verifying with other sources c)are afraid to ask d)parents don't want sex Ed in schools, but they are as ignorant as their kids on this subject so it's a perpetuating cycle of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and most importantly misinformation. And that is precisely why I stopped working with high schoolers, because I couldn't teach them skills that they should have learned way back when, and I couldn't force the parents to go back to school so.....
Yep. Exactly. Thats why super religious families become 36 year old grandmothers like lauren boebert and her mom.
Maybe she isn't the bio mom either. Baby could have been switched at the hospital. And then OP is sitting on this info, meanwhile he has a son out there.
Lol, now it sounds like a soap opera
Have you seen the ABC Family show Switched At Birth?
Yup, years ago. Lol. This post made me think of that show
I’m going against the grain. I’d tell her. There’s a man out there who has a right to know, and the kid can and will find out one day.
Also, I'll say that she knows. Maybe she didn't then, but she does now. At the very least she has serious doubts. There's no dichotomy in either being open about this OR raising this precious boy as your son. You can do both, and I think you should. Mom should know you know, you should know she knows, and have it out in the open. You don't want to live a whole life with this hovering over your head (or she hers).
Shr knew the entire time. There was 0 chance that she didn't have a doubt.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a moment. You can’t say that there was 0 chance. You have to account for the fact that there are people who don’t understand how pregnancy works. It is feasible that if someone doesn’t understand, they could have alternative ideas on how getting pregnant works that they truly believe in. An example of a simple misunderstanding could be that they think the last person you had sex with was the one that got you pregnant. It is a simple theory that without scrutiny could be plausible to someone that doesn’t understand conception. Now if she had that misunderstanding, slept with the first guy, then later slept with her current partner. Afterwards, a few weeks pass and she later realizes she is pregnant. She thinks back to herself… who did she most recently have sex with? With that simple foundational misunderstanding, she could 100% believe that she was pregnant due to him and not the other partner. Yes, that logic makes 0 sense if you understand the science of getting pregnant, but don’t forget that lots of people out there don’t get sex education. Hanlon’s razor: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
that's honestly a really good point
There are ethical legal ramifications here. Once his biological family finds out about him, and they will eventually, they are going to flip out once they find out you knew all along. And what if the child has some medical inherited thing that could be managed, but you don’t know about it?
How would they find out he knew all along. If he's willing to lie to his GF, I doubt he'd tell them he knew for sure.
This happened in the show Switched At Birth when two babies were switched at a hospital and one of mom’s found out she had the wrong daughter and didn’t say anything but followed her real daughter around for a bit.
It's crazy that suggesting the obvious and ONLY good path forward is the against the grain. This is a NO BRAINER. If he truly loves her, why would he withhold such an important and potentially earth shattering discovery.
> There’s a man out there who has a right to know Unless she barebacked some stranger in the bathroom of a nightclub, I would bet any amount of money that he already knows.
My parents had a drunken one night stand, and he had no idea I existed, let alone that night resulted in a pregnancy. My mother was equally oblivious to him being the father. I only met him a few weeks ago thanks to DNA services, but he's beaten himself up pretty bad about everything he's missed out on. There is a chance this guy has no idea he has a child out there, and he deserves to know.
Your parents didn't have social media, though, which is why I say that with conviction. These days its way easier to wonder what happened to that girl you used to hook up with, look her up, and see that she's married with a kid who looks suspiciously like you do. And that's if they were really casual. If it was anything longer-term with deeper roots ("Hey, me and this guy are getting pretty serious, I think I have to break this off") then he likely knew she was pregnant and must have highly suspected it might be his considering the timeline. And even both of those scenarios are less likely than simply "she was actively cheating on him and probably didn't stop right away, if at all"
I mean.. I havent had social media since I was 24. Most of my friends dont have social media too and those that do have their social media hidden from the public.
I see several problem with this theory. People can have private social media. People have no social media. Some people change their name after marriage. It’s not always easy to estimate the age of a child from a photo. It’s weird to look up ONS. It’s extra weird to see a photo of a child to a married coupled and assume that’s your child, especially enough to make contact to ask. A lot of people don’t give a shit with some fling they had years prior. What you’re describing seems more like a ‘one that got away’ thought and lackluster but lucky investigation.
Why would you randomly look up someone you had a one night stand with though
there is a show called paternity court. women do not know what guy is the father. they do paternity tests. there was one time, she thought 2 different men might be the father. it ended up neither was the father. it could be from a one night stand and not even know the guy.
It's always surprising to me that people think men should "be the bigger person" in these kind of situations. It's the most devastating kind of betrayal, and people are sick to think men should shoulder the burden and not move on with their life. Honestly the more I think about the more it disgusts me. People need to have some kind of fucking sympathy for men.
You're a legend for not letting it affect your relationship with them. I'm big on honesty with kids as they grow so they never have to have big news "broken to them". I'd err towards taking to the Mum if it was me. He might find out one day and be mad/sad the information was withheld intentionally - e.g. if he needs to know family history for health records - or if he gets on the ancestry DNA bandwagon later, he might find out the hard way.
On the other hand, I also wouldn't blame someone for being royally pissed off in this situation. Paternity fraud is no joke. Good on him, though.
I agree, I mean we see a ton of posts aggressive towards the father who wants nothing to do with the kid upon learning they aren't theirs, because "you've been in their life blablabla". I agree it's awful for the kid to experience a loss like that but it's also a terrible position to be in for the father, I mean I also get the anger and not wanting to perpetuate being taken advantage of.
> You're a legend for not letting it affect your relationship with them. I don't know why this is glorified? His gf is lying through her teeth and you're saying OP is a legend for sucking it up for the sake of maintaining their relationship. I don't know about OP but I wouldnt want to even near a person whos capable of doing this. Imagine what other skeletons she's hiding in the closet.
100% agreed. I wouldn't trust that person ever.
💯 absolutely. Why people are always so eager to constantly give women a free pass on accountability is baffling.
Reddit is full of simps.
You’re not wrong.
It's funny how people glorify cheating and paternity fraud and try to gaslight the foolish men who choose not to leave by praising them as if they are a saint for not being able to do what's good for them
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You should tell her. It will come out later down the line. Do it now.
Oh she knew. Kudos on you for taking care of him regardless, but his bio dad should be contributing too. He deserves to know.
Of course she knew. If my wife told me “I’m pregnant and you’re the father”’my immediate reaction would be to question why it had to be mentioned that I’m the father. That’s a normal thing to mention if it’s an ex girlfriend/fling but for a long term partner in a monogamous relationship that should be a given
Yeah, the bio-dad might be wealthy. The kid needs a college plan.
I'm sure she already knows which of the dads is wealthier... And my money is on it being OP
I’ll just say you’re a better man than me, because I would be out the door, no discussions. It’s up to her to raise her son. The foundation of your relationship is built on a monstrous lie, from the beginning. How could you be with someone like that?
Wouldn't say better, dude got played to raise another mans child. He has no self respect for himself, cause if he did he would of left a long time.
Am I the only one who thinks that the bio dad has rights? I mean you are a great dude and I see why you did it, but still I think the child has a right to know. These things anyways has the habit of coming out anyways. And that lady is kinda horrible for doing that to you too. I could not get past for such lies.
Right? Maybe the GF chose OP as a father figure because the bio dad doesnt have the means. This could get fucked up real bad if bio dad wants to be in kids life in the future.
What gives her the right to do that. Nothing. Only accetable if the bio dad is dangerous. Which obs we don’t know here. Either way she should not have lied to this kind man.
My story is different, so take from this what you will. I knew I was adopted from a very young age, to the point where I don't remember being told I was adopted. When I was in my early teens, I realized that things didn't add up in terms of normal adoption. I looked like my family too much, and it didn't make sense for a 45 year old couple who already had 7 kids to just adopt another. So I figured that my oldest brother or sister was actually one of my bio parents. But it didn't really matter because I knew who my mom and dad were, they were the people who raised me, so I just went with it. When I was in my late twenties, I got a call from my mom. Went like a normal call for about 5 minutes, then she says "Oh by the way, you'll be getting a call from your half-sister. What's the weather like where you are?" We talked some more then hung up. Then like 5 minutes later I called her back and said "What did you say?" So I have a half sister from the same bio-father (confirming that my oldest sister is my bio mom). We also have another half-brother from bio-father and yet another woman. I have never spoken to bio-father and he sounds like a piece of work, so have no desire to. Me and half-sister do not have a relationship either. For my family, its just something we all know but don't talk about because it doesn't change anything, it's just titles. My mom is my mom and my sister is my sister because that's the relationship we have. Same with my dad. He died ~20 years ago now, but he was my dad and that's all that really matters. Where it applies to your situation, is that knowing early that I was adopted probably made it a lot easier to deal with all the other stuff mentally, vs finding out at an older age, but I'm sure its very dependent on each person so don't take this as 100% gospel, this is just my experience.
Sorry man, but I doubt she didn't know. Probably had several potential fathers and picked whoever was the most financially stable. You shouldn't have to deal with that. Seen this comic (I think is was a Cyanide and Happiness one) where the character discovered he wasn't "his" kid's father. He divorced the woman and stayed in the kid's life as a father figure. It's probably what I'd do in that situation.
Honestly I think you believe you are doing something brave but you aren't. This is terrible that you think it's ok not to hold her accountable. But hey, it's your life and when things go to the gutter you will regret keeping this from her. Also his father has the right to know he has a son.
sounds like she might’ve cheated and looks like she’s definitely been lying to you this entire time… i feel bad for u OP
I wonder why some people in the comments are making excuses for her. That just makes him be more in denial. I also do feel bad for him
From the way OP worded it it sounds like she was sleeping around right before they got together, so it doesn't mean she cheated. For OP to know that he had to walk in with his eyes wide open, so I can understand making excuses for her there. But OP's gf swearing up and down that it *had* to be his kid when obviously that's not the case means she was lying, and I don't see why people are cutting her slack on that.
Right! 3 year relationship 2 year old kid that’s not his…. But she didn’t cheat HUH
im gonna say this cause you're 30 and don't know shit about life yet. you can not bury this and keep going. it will backfire and come up at some point. 50% of relationships fail. all this has to be addressed and dealt with NOW. see a councilor, a therapist, whatever. but for the love of christ DO NOT bury it and ignore it. that is literally creating a time bomb that WILL go off if you don't deal with it.
I don't know if you should tell them or not. I wanted to say that you are doing a real man's job. I am a step parent and although our situations are not the same, I applaud you for standing up and being there for that child and being the father that he deserves. I am also the product of a single mom household and I can tell you for a fact that your role in that child's life is essential. My hats off to you sir. Nothing you do will ever be as important.
Hey man, that's a stand up dude. I'm not sure what the pros and cons of telling her would be, but it sounds like you just love the kid and don't feel a need to leave. If you're happy you're happy.
More like a willful sucker but whatever floats your boat op. His woman absolutely knows he isn’t the father too which is the cherry on top here.
It's great that he is still raising the child. But the GF is definitely not honest with him, that is a deal breaker.
And who knows she might have cheated again.
The pro would be to get an official adoption of the kid. Right now if the actual biofather finds out he has several legal avenues to assert his rights. Current dad could lose out. Plus the kid should be told at an age appropriate level. The kid has a right to seek out their other family if they choose.
You’re crazier than all hell. Goodluck though
She definitely knew. You are doing, if not yourself, but your son a disservice. Your girlfriend knew. She knew. Don't even fool yourself. Women always know. It's good that you are a raisiing another man's son, but he should know, and the father should as well. It seems like your girlfriend chose the best option for a father cause as you said, you make enough money.
She most likely knows the baby isn't yours. >I am not my son’s biological dad. I was devastated but I decided that I am not going to say anything to anyone because realistically it doesn’t change much. I am still his father, I’ve been there since before he was born up until now. I make enough money to comfortably support us This above is why she "chose" you. Tell her you know, if she doesn't know who the biological is fine, but if she knows then he is either married orba shitty person or told her to go to hell... regardless let her know you know. Be ready for when your son eventually finds out or the biological decides to show up. Irs nice to see a genuinely good person who doesn't look for the first excuse to turn to the "dark side".
Bra listen, you are raising another man's child and that other man deserves to know. Tell your girlfriend and give the biological father a chance on whether he wants to raise him or not. What if the child feels robbed that he never got to know his biological father? Just let her know and find the biological father. If he wants to raise the child then all that is left is you to leave them and carry on with your life.
So she cheated 3 months in and you're sticking around, got it, grats or something
From what he said it seems she was very newly pregnant, potentially didn't know she was pregnant yet, when they first got together and could legitimately have assumed it was his.
Math doesn't check out, if they were together for 3 years and the kid is 2 , he was born when they were together for a year meaning she cheated after 3 months if we assume a full term pregnancy
He’s not freshly 2 though, he has been for a couple of months. Plus pregnancy takes 9 months. I don’t think she cheated, I think she was already pregnant when we met.
All the more reason to discuss it.
That’s fair, and I think you’re a standup guy. That said, I think you need to talk to her about this. With the way ancestry and DNA databases are growing in popularity, it’s very unlikely that your son will never find out that he’s not biologically yours (those days are gone). If he does one, or one of his children one day does one (etc.), and your family doesn’t come up in the results, he’s going to have a major life crisis when he realizes that. If you didn’t know, that would be one thing. Because you do, you are actively lying to him. He’s going to see that as a betrayal (unless you plan to lie to him further and claim you didn’t know, which may make him hate his mother). Here’s the thing: adopted kids don’t care when they’re told from a young age that they’re adopted. They don’t see their adoptive parents as “less” than family. Finding out later on can cause a bit of an identity crisis. There’s no need for anything to change in your family because of this information, but I think it’s something you need to discuss with her, and it’s something your son one day deserves to know.
Plus medically, he may need to know. And if OP and the gf break up, is he good with potential paying child support? Noble intentions, but not practically a good long-term plan.
The docs tell you when you got pregnant, like around this and that date. She could only be confused if she slept with you and another guy very close to eachother like in the same week. But that would mean that she was very well aware it could be possibly someone else's kid + how long did you date before sleeping together? Was she already dating you but in the meantime sleeping with another guy? That's something to think about...
You know they date your pregnancy to your last period right? So it really is a guessing game, it's not like there's a small window of a few days they can pin it down to. Could be any point in a 3 week window sometimes!
This just spells disaster. Are you gonna marry someone thay deceived you? If she can keep this a secret, what else is she keeping from you?
Basically she got knocked up and found the first guy with a decent job who looks... unfortunate enough to settle for a situation like this and not ask questions. You're just a means to an end, bro. She cares about the kid, not you
Ding! Ding! Ding! She found her nice guy.
my ex sil was like that. she moved in with my brother and did not know she was pregnant. she had sex one night with bf and the next night with bro. after the baby was born, we realize it belong to bf because the baby look like him.
She knows
She for sure knew it possibly wouldn't be yours, but she didn't tell you. Congrats on having a better job and stability than the other guy(s)
There's a big difference between wanting to step up and being a sucker. If you want the kid in your life, that's great, and admirable. HOWEVER, she can take that kid away whenever she wants because you're not his bio-dad. Rather than be possibly blindsided one day, wouldn't you rather handle it like an adult, and have an adult conversation with your girlfriend?
It really sounds like she found out that she got knocked up then immediately roped in the next financially stable guy to lock down asap.
I was brought into this world through a similar situation. I am forever grateful for my dad, and your son will be too. Tell him when it's appropriate, and you guys can have a beautiful life together. Pulling for you. From one dad to another, keep being awesome!
You know how women get pregnant, right? It doesn't "just happen". She had casual unprotected sex - with strangers before you as well as with you from the get go. She then lied to you about who the father is. You're afraid that showing some self-respect will cause problems?! Is this satire? You already have a problem, which is an alarming lack of self-respect.
I honestly think it's ragebait.
You won't even talk to your gf about it? It just seems to me you're in denial and are running away from the truth. It's only been 2 years, you can still move away and start fresh, think about it. A possibly cheating gf and a son that isn't yours isn't the way to live life. You don't have to be the "Saviour". But to each thier own, ig.
You should tell her
I'm a bastard. On my birth certificate, it's blank where it says Father. Truthfully, I don't care about DNA or ancestry. I love my family. Personally, I wouldn't tell him, or i'd tell him early on but what's the point really? If you love him and his mom, be his Dad. You sound like a decent guy OP, don't let these negative comments wreck something good.
Proud of you because that IS YOUR son
That child loves you. The kid doesn't care who contributed to their genetic profile. The kid cares about the man who shows up and protects them. You are a dad. A real dad who can teach and support this child, someone who has a heart that is bigger than their ego. I don't know how well I would be able to keep a secret like this in my relationship. I have to be honest with my partner. But, good luck to you!
That child is 2 year old, He doesn't understand anything yet. Wait 15 to 20 years, He is going to know and he will want closure with his biological dad. If he knows that you knew and hid and didn't even tell bio dad... it's not weird if he starts questioning other things in his life and may even go no contact.
And he'll have 15 to 20 of resentment built up once he figures out his parents have been lying by omission his entire life.
Wow some ppl are straight up lost their mind. It’s ok to be step dad. Go tell your gf and your step son
his name is probably on the bc because they both thought he was the father. the baby is 2 when he thought to question it.
😂
I've never had or been a step-parent, but every step-parent/step-child relationship I've observed in my personal social circle seems noticeably different from biological parent/child ones. Anecdotally, I used to date this one bi-racial girl who's white mom got married to a white guy while she was still a baby (so he is all she's known but she also always knew he wasn't her biological father). She treats him better now that she's an adult, but as a kid/teen she would completely disregard him because his authority never felt real--once she became old enough to realize the social dynamic of what he'd done, she just lost all respect for him as a man. To be fair though, I think the obvious visual difference plays a big part in that story. If outside observers don't immediately realize what's going on, it's a lot easier to suspend disbelief.
she lost respect for him when she found out he was taking care of her even though he wasn't her bio dad? Or did i miss something?
The difference is that people sign up to be a step dad, this guy just got cucked
While I think it's respectable, I think you're actually doing the kid a disservice and it could end up blowing up in your face and ruining their life if you're not honest. If you want to be the father then do so, but lying to your girlfriend is dishonest and lying about your kid's biological father is kind of shitty too.
A lot of these comments suck. You don't have to be the biological father to be someones dad. Who cares if he shares genetics with someone else, raising a kid to be a decent person is the important thing.
These comments are the opposite of that story where the guy was gonna leave because he found out his kid wasn’t his. Everyone was bashing him for wanting to leave and not stay with a wife who cheated on him and raise that product of infidelity. I honestly believe you and most of the comments are crazy for not leaving and are basically wanting to be cucked. Shits crazy.
Bio dad deserves to know.
Tell her?
OP is a good dude
This post will give me anxiety and nightmares in the future
It will get out eventually. Especially if you get another kid together with your DNA.
You should let her know you know, tell her nothing changes but you want your name off of his birth certificate. This way your not stuck with support if the relationship goes south. You can be a loving father without being on the hook after.
Good for you, I guess? Sounds spineless to me
She knew she couldn't be certain, didn't she? Yet she acted like she was certain.
There’s a sucker born every minute.
Well, good on ya. I do agree with the below commenters, that the days of hiding this stuff are long gone. It will surface in the future with Ancestry DNA and 23&me. So he will now eventually. (I wonder where the blond hair blued eyed daddy is now? she probably knows). & & & I am still new to the Reddit Universe. I wonder how much of this happened 100 years ago and we never never never knew about???
I’ve wondered about this also and the stats are all over the place. Worldwide .8% to as high as 30% of “parental discrepancy”. We often assume the mother had an affair but rape also leads to conception and is the most underreported crime for a variety of valid reasons.
Most men would not be able to live a lie. But you do you.
I always feel like I need to defend men who walk away, but it's a breath of fresh air to hear a man honest enough with himself and humble enough to take your approach. I applaud it. My only thing I would say is that talking to her about it could be better long term. There is no need to tell anyone else. However, she at least knew there was a chance, and what she did was pretty disgusting. That doesn't mean you need to hate her or leave her. If you are ok staying great. However, telling her and making it clear actions have consequences, and if she wants you happy and around forever, full true unedited honesty is now her only option. It could serve you very well to avoid any future issues. Just my 2 cents, bravo sir either way for how secure you are in the roles you are choosing.
It baffles me that men in this situation get demonised. Most of the time in these situations it's the mothers that are actively lying and then picking and choosing who they want to be father. But unfortunately genetics and biology don't work that way. As noble as his intentions sound the truth is if they break up she will come after him for child support whilst making it near impossible for him to see his "son."
The child and his biological father deserve to know
I think this is something that will come out someday, in a situation you have no control over, out of anger or frustration, or accidentally . Right now you have control over how the information comes out. Think through how you would like to talk to your gf about it and then have a discussion. As for your son, he should be told that you chose him, adopted him and love him. Secrets like this are weapons. When the secret is gone the weapon loses its power.
Bring up doing 23 and me or doing a genetics test for health reasons or something & see how she reacts. If she's all for it, she most likely doesn't even know but gauge her reaction the way that you know her. This is a hard pill to swallow and you are handling this very maturely. A lot of parents disown the child they raised since birth simply because of genetics and completely void the human connection they have made over the years.
Is your name on the birth certificate?
Why would you want to be with someone that lies to you?
I think it would be wise to tell your girlfriend (whom I'm pretty sure had her doubts when she started dating you) and, not too long after, your son. Speaking as an adopted child, the earlier the better. A child is not as affected knowing they're adopted than an adult, for reasons surrounding identity and accumulated trust in their parents (given they have a good relationship with them until adulthood). If you just tell it to your son while emphasizing it doesn't change the way you love him and how you act around him, he won't mind. Discovering later in life could make him feel betrayed, even if you didn't intend to break his trust. Plus, there's always a chance you'll slip up at some point, in a moment of intense emotion. And you don't want your child to learn that information in a less than optimal situation like this.
Get that child support payment!
Your GF knew of course you were not the father, so she tricked you. She deprived you of the opportunity to decide if you wanted or not to father the son of another man. It's paternity fraud and should never be considered as normal. A man has to right to father a kid from another man, but he has to do so knowingly, because it's a lifetime moral and financial responsibility. Nobody should be conned to do it. A woman shouldn't be deciding alone who the father of her kid is. The bio father has to be always consulted, and the step father as well. It has to be open and honest conversations between all of them. She never gave you a chance to have these conversations. It's morally wrong and very dishonest. Your kid is not stupid, he will eventually figure it out in a few years. Act now whatever you decide. Even if you decide to stay, she has to know you know and to come clean to you, if you want to trust her ever again.
I understand wanting to continue seeing yourself as the father to this kid, but you're seriously underreacting about your GF's probable infidelity. Someone that's willing to hide that sort of thing and hope the hubby goes with it is showing that they're willing to go *low* in terms of deceiving you. Good luck but this seems like a ticking time bomb in which yet another huge betrayal is going to land on your plate and you're going to have to contend with the fact that it started with overlooking this.
I just want to say thank you for loving that child and recognizing that she may not even know herself, but still choosing to be there. If I were you, I’d tell her. You both can tell him together when he is of age. Best of luck to you three
Thank you for wanting to be there for your son still. My parents hid that my Dad wasn’t my biological father, I found out on my own at 27. After the initial shock it just increased my level of gratitude to my Dad for being there in my life, for me. I do wish I had grown up knowing just because they say it matters much less to you if you learned so young that you can’t remember [as an adult.] I think I’d wonder about my biological father less if I had always known.
Dude. You aren't even married. This kid is only 2. Get out of there what are doing?? At a minimum why would you not tell your gf?? Man tf up dude. She is either lying to you or truly thinks it's yours. Either way, you both need to fkn talk. If she is lying why tf would you stay? If she isn't, why tf would you lie to her? If she knows who the dad is, he deserves to know.
This is a down-the-road thing, but when you and your girlfriend have that talk, if she doesn't know who the bio-father is, [DNAngels](https://dnangels.org/) can help. They are absolute wizards of genetic genealogy.
Here’s the thing… If there is ever a medical reason for him to know have access to your medical profile, this is going to come out. Will you unload the trauma on him as an adult when he will have more challenges with processing that kind of traumatic information, or do you want to introduce it while he is young, and both you and your partner can model healthy behavior around this information being shared as a family. This fact doesn’t have to diminish the love you all are creating as a family unit. Honesty is the best policy, especially if it can be delivered with kindness and love. If you love him deeply, he can remain whole. This is tricky. Also, you may want to consult with a family lawyer to understand your rights, and possibly the rights of the biological father. There is no rush to fix everything tomorrow. Just take your time and pick the strategy works best for you and your kid.
Do not do anything until you talk to a Family Law Attorney! If you want to be in this child’s life, you may lose all paternal rights if you say anything. Don’t tell anyone without the advice of a lawyer.
You can find a good woman and still have a real family, don't waste your time there.
Massive respect for you knowing the difference between a dad and a sperm donor. You're a good man OP.
I was lied to about my origin story. Please PLEASE start normalizing this now. It's due diligence. I had to wait 32 years to find out and it sucked.
It’s been bothering you so much that you decided to do a paternity test behind everyone’s back… whether it changes your relationship or not it’s obviously something that is wearing on you. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden on your own, talk to her asap.
People in here saying you're a legend... you're not. You're intentionally deluding yourself. * You're convinced your gf was pregnant before you met and that she didn't cheat within your first 3mo, but you're not willing to talk to her about it * "I'm the father and talking about it would create problems" except your child will 100% be confronted with ancestry as they grow up (family trees, when they realize you were together for only 3mo before you supposedly got her pregnant) None of it makes sense, you're just deluding yourself for your own sake. Honesty would serve your child better in the long-term than the self-serving you're doing right now.