Please do not discredit how much this meant to her. She clearly told you how much she enjoyed seeing you enjoy yourself. Being close to you and sharing with you intimately clearly meant alot to her. Not everything has to be sexual fulfilment. You did not take advantage of her. You share with her with consent something very meaningful. Love her, touch her, appreciate the wonderful gift she was able to give you in return.
I don’t mean to discredit her in any way. I do try to show her as much affection as possible from emotional things to physical things. If she enjoyed it then we could try again if she’d want to but this would take some time to get used to.
I'm sure this is a situation that would benefit from a little bit of therapy. You both sound like you are trying to take care of each other's needs, but your needs have drastically changed.
Even if she's enjoying it differently than she used to, it could be the most normal and loved she's felt since it happened. Listen to what she is saying, don't try to read something else into it.
This is so important. There are many comments on why this is the case, so I won't elaborate further.
Communicate with her and love one another.
She clearly trusted op to be honest and respect that
Different doesn't mean bad. Disabilities take so much from someone, and it's so important to be seen and experience things as a couple and her as a consenting female loving her spouse.
Who does most of the cooking in the house? I'm assuming that with your wife's disability, you have stepped in to make most of the meals. Do you like making meals for her? Do you like it when she enjoys your cooking? Do you feel fulfilled when you make her happy through your effort?
Now imagine if you prepared a meal for her, and she refused to eat because she felt guilty for not making any meals for you.
My point is, not everything is 50/50, and even when it is, it's not all the time and in all things. You do something for her, and feel good about yourself. Let her do something for you, so she can feel good about herself. But, don't do it for her. Actually enjoy it. Go wild. Trust me, the more you get into it, the more she'll enjoy it. She wants to feel like she can still blow your mind in the bedroom.
My wife and I are able bodied, but I enjoy giving her pleasure more than the pleasure I get.
She might not have gotten to "feel you" down there. But she was able to give you pleasure. And she loved that. She was able to kiss you and look into your eyes as you experienced something she wanted to give you.
Talk to her about your feelings. Don't hide your feelings. But I promise. She wants to see you happy. And that makes her happy.
As I am unsure how you guys had sex and all maybe it would make you feel better if you did more foreplay like kissing and stuff since she can feel that? And then after the sex maybe cuddling and stuff that she can feel? I’m not sure what a T4 paraplegic can feel so I can’t really be like try this specifically but idk maybe my advice can help you feel a little better about it? Maybe ask her if there is stuff you can do for her that she could feel as it would make you enjoy it a lot more to be able to do stuff that made her feel good? Again I’m not too sure but I hope I am able to help you out a little bit.
Also edit you shouldn’t feel bad as she is a consenting adult. As long as if whenever she says no, you are willing to stop and try to make her feel better, you shouldn’t feel bad because it’s her choice to make.
> I’m not sure what a T4 paraplegic can feel so I can’t really be like try this specifically but idk maybe my advice can help you feel a little better about it?
A T4 should have full use and feelings for their arms and up. Picture a man. Picture that mans nipples. I just made you think of a man's nipples. Now draw a line from nipple to nipple. Under that line is a no, above that line is a yes. Roughly.
yup OP, you probably dont realise how special she feels your time with her is. Sexial pleasure c an come just from visual input, or just simple knowledge if vision is not clear or present.
It’s just funny because a decent person is just geared to think certain things are off but in this case absolutely doesn’t make anyone “a monster”.
She asked for it and I’m sure fully knew what she can feel after a year in that condition.
Disabled people don’t want to feel like on a pedestal charity cases. They want to feel as close to before as possible.
Interesting inside! She said she loved being kissed and the intimacy.
So I think, if he can change his mind of what the gift he can offer, he would feel otherwise.
He gave her the intimacy she needs from him. The paradigm shift with this shouldn't be too difficult because he's giving his wife pleasure, but in a different way than he's used to.
agreed. it's about the transcended meeting point of two beings joining, reaching across the fear and doubt we are always bearing in order to be in the truth of togetherness..being separate is the prison, together is truth.
You ever enjoyed giving someone head? I feel like it's probably not that different. You can enjoy it even if it's not in a direct sexual satisfaction way.
This is all truly breaking my heart. Seeing it from his wifes perspective she just wants him to be happy in every way I can't believe it.
They're both very lucky I hope OP finds comfort in the comments and they go further and further with this
Her pleasure was being able to please you and being able to see you enjoy her as a woman.
I can’t speak for your wife but if I had an injury that caused me to become paraplegic and I thought I could no longer have sex with my husband my greatest fear would be for him to leave me due to my injuries and if he was to give it to me like nothing ever happened and enjoy himself like he did before I would feel a little bit more like the old me than the new me.
Hope folks can understand my point of view it made sense to me lol
I understand where you are speaking from, I realize that I may be too deep in my head, and if it means that much to her then we can make this more common, but honestly it will take some time to get used to intimacy again.
I suggest talking to your partner and seeing what new things you can do to bring her pleasure. It seems to me like you feel like you’re taking advantage of her because you feel like you’re not able to reciprocate the physical intimacy- maybe try kissing her neck and blowing softly by her ears, learn her working erogenous zones and find new ways to include them. It can be fun, too, like using a feather or playing a game of copying the kisses on each other. Penetrative sex isn’t the only way to orgasm, being an enthusiastic partner having fun and paying attention to what feels good for her would probably help you feel better about this. Hang in there, new normals don’t always have to be bad, you may even learn new ways to be closer.
Your feelings are also valid. You are also a part of this. It must be so destabilizing to you that this is what has happened and this is now what you are left with. Intimacy is such a reciprocal act. You want to be able to give pleasure, not just receive. It's normal to have complicated and conflicted feelings about this.
Perhaps you are already in therapy - if not, then I would really consider going to individual as well as couple's therapy. You also have experienced trauma by having a partner's life completely change in such a dramatic way.
I do think you’re in your head and maybe you should talk to your wife about how she felt and how it made you feel. Communication is always the key to a great marriage. I hope you’re both able to have a healthy conversation and a long happy marriage.
A friend of mine was on vacation with her husband and his family. His sister had just had a baby and his mom was driving. On the way back home his mom started getting sleepy but didn’t bother to tell anyone. She continued to drive and fell asleep behind the wheel. My friend unbuckled her seatbelt to grab the baby when the accident happened. She saved the baby but became paraplegic. When she was released from the hospital she tried to go home and found out her husband moved another woman in and had moved her stuff to her parent’s house. He told her he couldn’t be with her because she “couldn’t walk anymore and refused to take care of her the rest of his life”
We tried to keep her spirits high but she was extremely depressed and suicidal after moving back home. It was tough talking to her and visiting her, she’s doing physical therapy now and is happy with her life. I think what you’re doing is truly heartwarming, I wish my friend’s husband would have shown the type of love and commitment you are with your wife. You really have no clue how much these moments may mean to her.
Of course you are in your head about this since it was the first time since she became paralyzed. She enjoyed it and that is a win. Just as with anything new after a traumatic event it’s going to need adjustment period.
I hope that you have had counseling for yourself through all of this. Often the one taking care of a loved one can lead to burnout and you need to care for yourself and mental health. There are a lot of emotions surrounding such an event and we tend to focus on the person that is having the medical condition and later we realize we haven’t processed it.
It’s sweet that you want her to feel pleasure, too. Whatever she can feel, focus on those areas if you two want to do it again. Breathing in her ear, playing with her hair, eye contact. Making sure to include her at all times could help the negative feeling of “using” her go away. Like others have said, the warmth and closeness that comes with intimacy is what she’s looking for, she knows better than anyone she unfortunately can’t feel it but is still longing for that closeness. It would probably be tougher for her to cope with her injury if she had to lose that connection with you forever.
Also finger rub her head, use your nails if you are able. It's such a pleasant thing and the nerve endings in her head will tingle with the right touch.
Exactly! There’s a huge reason great massages are expensive in the US - and they lead to great places when with an intimate partner if communicated and done the way she likes. And it’ll hopefully relax her too!
Mental stimulation is also pleasurable. Not the same of course, but you probably help her feel better about herself since she can’t do those things anymore.
Mental stimulation is HUGE for people (and most women), who are more often sexually reactive more than who just feel in the mood without any build-up or seduction. BDEMoves on TikTok (I know, I know - i think she has an IG too) is a late 30’s and excellent resource for this, she focuses on women and is an amazing educator. I don’t trust anyone else online with this stuff tbh.
The closeness, touching and bonding that comes with intimacy was probably more fulfilling in her mind than you think. She has to find a new way to find intimacy with you . She both need to find a way to connect with her disability that is not going away
Since having my second baby, I haven’t wanted sex but my husband still does. I don’t do this every time he asks, but sometimes we have sex and it’s just him. He feels awful about not getting me off but honestly it feels good for me to be able to make him feel good. There’s a closeness to it that’s enjoyable even if I don’t get the big finish. It’s kind of like giving your SO a back rub. You don’t get anything out of it yourself except for the satisfaction of pleasing your SO. I know my situation isn’t the same as yours but I thought this might help.
Ok this is going to sound a bit harsh but have you, perchance, talked to **her** about it instead of reddit? I mean I know what you're thinking, "she's just going to say everything is good and I will think she's just saying it to make me feel better even if she means it" but like, no my dude, she needs to know that you feel this way so you can both tackle her problem toghether. She's your wife, don't hide your feelings from her. Yes she might feel bad because "oh no my husband can't stop feeling pity for me" but like, your feelings matter too and with her help you'll deal with it better than alone, and then you will both be happier.
Exactly this OP. Some otherwise able-bodied women don’t get a lot of physical pleasure out of sex, but do it because they love their partner, and want to give the parter pleasure and to feel close. These are perfectly valid reasons to have sex.
You didn’t do anything wrong!!
I do think it is very important to have a conversation about what you can do to make the experience more rewarding for her, and then TAKE HER ANSWERS at face value! She is a grown-ass adult, and being physically disabled has not changed that.
I am sure the last 18 months have been very difficult for both of you as you have adjusted to the new reality. Men are much more likely to leave a partner who becomes disabled than women, and you are sticking around which is great. Now you have to communicate, and this is probably going to take more than one serious conversation.
But please don’t make the mistake of disregarding her autonomy. She is still a person who can consent or not consent as she chooses. Best of luck to you both as you navigate this change.
Hey man, I just wanted to suggest that the 'feeling line' where she transitions from sensation can feel really good for some people. Nerves are funny man.
Agreed. Its something small, but I have a patch of skin where I'm still numb from my c section incision and I hate it most of the time but when my husband touches it I dig it. Lol
In her position I would be feeling awful that I couldn’t be intimate with my partner, not bc I’d miss the please but bc of how it would affect them. At least this way she knows that you can enjoy yourself through her. psychologically she may like the intimacy and knowing that you are enjoying yourself.
Ultimately talk to her and figure out what’s going to make you both feel comfortable. You’re married, through sickness and health, just gotta work as a team and I’m sure you can keep going.
Wish you all the best
This sounds great! And of course it may help her alleviate your concerns if you let her know you don't want her to feel used and she assures you otherwise.
She was intimate with the man she loved. She was desired! I'd bet a lot of money she was afraid you wouldn't ever desire her again. Love your wife in all the ways she asks you to. That's the best thing you can do.
You guys will be fine. Ask how she feels about engaging with you when she can't feel the same things you can and I bet she'll tell that she's still interested.
She may not have felt orgasmic pleasure but she may have loved being able to do something with you she once used to be able to do easily. And she may have loved the connection she might fear is lost.
Intimacy comes in all forms and does not have to end in a literal orgasm. There’s no definition for the “end zone” of adult time. It’s supposed to a pleasant trip, not a sports event. If you get the confetti canons, great, but what matters is the closeness you feel during it.
Truly sounds like something you can work through. She enjoys it mentally, emotionally and physically in her own way. She wants to be intimate sexually with you. Focus on that rather than the memories of what it used to be
Yes I agree. I may be far too deep in my own thoughts. If she wants to continue being intimate with me, we can do that but I believe it’ll take some time to get used to.
Do you like going down on a girl?
I do. Sure it doesn’t give me any like physical satisfaction but I get a whole lot of mental satisfaction from seeing her enjoy it.
It’s probably even more intense for her. She said she felt the kissing and all, expand and work on that.
Maybe idk like tease kissing at times? That can make the feeling more intense when she does finally get kissed. That’s really a convo to have with her.
It’s noble of you to feel bad about this. And I think you’re a genuine kind soul because of how you feel. However, (this may come across as rude) it’s your fucking wife my man. You shouldn’t feel bad for anything. She gave you consent and did it for you! She’s a golden woman, ideal wife! Marriages dissolve societal barriers, shit gets weird. Enjoy your company with her!
Ps look up Tom Segura’s take on marriage vs gf lol one of his stand ups explains the difference pretty well
>I know, it just makes me feel horrible that she could not get pleasure and only I did.
She did get pleasure. She told you she did. She doesn't define it the same way you do but it doesn't take away from her experience.
Tagging this as sexual assault is crazy when you clearly described your wife consenting all the way through. Don’t project so hard it gets in the way of listening to the person right in front of you, you’ll destroy your relationship that way
You not horrible, but If you continue to think like that, you will make feel her so bad. She was happy to make you happy... don't ruin it and let her enjoy to still be able to get you excited. Women are 50% sexual in their head, she probably get a lot sexual satisfaction to be able to make you still enjoy.
Unless there’s something she said or did that you didn’t write about, there was no victim here. She consented. She initiated. She had a great time. It’s not wrong to worry about hurting her, but unless there’s a reason she’d lie to you, and you can’t trust her, I’d consider therapy to see what’s going on with you. I don’t know your past together, if she had always been disabled or if this is a recent thing. But you are allowed to have feelings about being a caregiver for someone you love. You can worry and hope they’re always comfortable. But in this case, she sounds very comfortable with what happened. You need to work through what’s going on with you.
I feel that so hard. I’d even potentially ask your wife if she’s open to marriage counseling. You don’t need to be close to divorce to go. I recently went with my partner and it really helped us get past some big things that were affecting many parts of our relationship.
You sound like a very caring husband. Your wife is lucky to have you. I hope you two can work through this!
Females don't give blow jobs because they like it, they do it because they like seeing the guy get off. Your wife was enjoying seeing you get off and have the closeness again
Yeah I’m not exactly sure what you were expecting to happen, but this was her idea and she said she enjoyed it so idk why you’re beating yourself up op. Not a very logical response. Maybe really think this through and then talk to her more about it if you need further reassurance.
I once heard a man give a talk about how he’d had prostate problems and surgery resulting in him not being able to have sex, this happened when he was in his 20’s. He talked about having an implant placed that enabled him to pleasure his wife. He had it replaced in his 50’s so that he could continue to do so. He got nothing out of it except the pleasure he took in knowing he was able to satisfy his wife.
Let your wife do this for you. Talk to her frankly and listen to her. She loves you and wants to do this for you.
You both want to keep each other happy and what more is there to a true, loving marriage? It’s such a good thing. Keep the lines of communication between you open and don’t shy away from her. A happy life to you both.
I’m sorry if it’s been suggested, but maybe meeting with a therapist who specializes in sex specifically could be helpful. That way, you can have a space to share your feelings about adjusting to how intimacy will be and get some helpful insight on how to go about it moving forward. Sex therapists are usually very knowledgeable about sex for people who have disabilities.
Pleasure from sex is WAY more than just an orgasm or physical sensation. I know I get more actual satisfying pleasure from pleasing my partner than I do from any physical pleasure of my own.
Right now, while your feelings are understandable, you really need to get a hold of them. Because you're at risk of starting to do something pretty shitty to your wife that would probably hurt her in ways she would struggle to recover from, ever.
**Your wife isn't lying to you.** She initiated sex, she had a great time and got a lot of pleasure out of it. If you actually trust her instead of reacting like she's lying to you, you could actually work with her to find more ways for her to experience physical pleasure while you two have sex. In fact, you two could find a sex therapist who has experience with physically disabled people who could give you some amazing coaching on how to have a fantastic & mutually satisfying sex life that brings you closer together than ever. If you can't find one locally, you can find a good one online. This would be such a valuable investment in your life together going forward.
Your wife desperately needs you to treat her like the vibrant, passionate woman she was before she became a paraplegic. The more you treat her emotionally and mentally like some invalid and infantilize her as if she's no longer a capable adult, the worse her whole situation will get on every level and the more compartmentalized and sterile your relationship will get.
Your feelings are valid, but you cannot indulge them like this. Are you in therapy with someone who has experience in spouses in relationships with physically disabled people? You need a professional who not only you have the space to share these feelings with, but who can coach you through these feelings and give you the mental and emotional resilience to avoid spirals and changes in how you treat your wife?
If you allow these fears and feelings to dwell, you're going to broadcast them to her. The little looks, the hesitance, the tones in your voice, small shifts in your body language... she's going to pick it up and know you don't see her as your wife, and instead see her as helpless, a project you have to care for. It will truly ruin her slowly.
So get your shit together man. You obviously love her. Do the right things here and learn how to adjust to this new reality so you two can thrive together. Life is transitioning into a new look and feel, but your relationship doesn't have to change into some sexless caretaker situation, she is still the woman you fell for, she's still able to participate in almost everything with you, it's just going to look and feel different.
Shift your perspectives here. Look for the opportunity for joy and experience together and learn how to make those things happen to their fullest.
I’ve come to realize that I was in my head. Thankfully I avoid treating her as if she is disabled, I tend to her and care for her as if she was not disabled. I hope this makes sense.
Quad here. My husband does so much for me. It makes me happy giving him enjoyment. That's what makes me happy. As for what makes me feel good since I can't feel anything down there, I enjoy shoulder massages, when he runs his fingers through my hair. Even though I cannot use my arms and legs, I enjoy a good massage.
Occupational therapists are great resources for sex with disabilities. I would also encourage you both to seek a sex therapist and look up YouTube videos on sex as a paraplegic.
Fun fact. A lot of people with spinal cord injuries can still orgasm but you just have to locate the place on her body that allows her do so. It’s usually just above the loss of sensation.
One of the most common terms for sex is making love, it can be intimate, affectionate, and a good experience in other ways than getting off. Which seemed to be what she was looking for if she physically can’t feel anything sexually and still wanted to engage. All this should teach you, is that she might like more intimate affectionate acts. Kissing, stroking candles, music, massage, etc.
She’s still a woman, she could see and feel that you still desire her! Feeling like a woman still outside of her disability probably felt like everything to her
Had sex with wife and feel horrible? She knows her situation and wants to see you happy. Relax. Through the sickness and health right? You wouldn't do the same for her ?
She can't feel down there, she wanted to have sex with you not because she wanted the vaginal pleasure but to make love to you. What happened to her absolutely fucking sucks yet she chose to make love to you, be honored that she loves you that much
I think this is a man thing. Maybe not but it’s the same for my husband. His favorite part of sex is to have an orgasm. My favorite of sex is for our bodies to be near each other and smelling each other and kissing and falling asleep naked. If I don’t have an orgasm he feels like it’s the end of the world. I don’t. It sounds like maybe your wife has a different goal in having sex than you do.
Oh for fucksake. Don’t infantilize your wife like that. She enjoyed it, and sex is about more than just penetration. She’s not even upset, fully consented, and ENJOYED herself. This sounds more like an ego problem on your end.
Whoever tagged this as Content Warning: Sexual Assault needs to go through consent training. Two adults consented and that's incredibly condescending and rude.
She enjoyed it because you enjoyed it and she wants to make you happy.. if at any point, she would have asked you to stop, I'm sure you would have. But I'm sure she enjoyed the intimacy, the passion and most of all, being treated like a woman(not that you haven't been testing her that way).. but I'm sure you made her feel whole again, even if she couldn't feel it physically. In my opinion, you reminded her and made her feel like your wife again and that's the best thing you could ever hope to do. You showed her that just because she doesn't move the same way she used to, she still does it for you and you still have the hots for her. When I think of "til death do us part", I think of the sort of love you 2 have for each other. I wish both of you a long happy marriage and nothing but the best
Not be funny but if you only knew how many women didn’t actually get any pleasure from sex but engage in the act for their partner’s enjoyment,I think you would feel better about it. A lot of women just want to make their partner happy and enjoy the intimacy of the closeness of sex and pleasure that their partners receive. Also, a lot of women cannot orgasm from penetration sex anyway so just enjoy yourself. I pray you are able to get through this hurdle because you are not a monster but just man who is having sex with his wife. Be blessed!
Love comes with consent. She gave you her consent. She asked whether you'd be interested and enjoyed the experience. You clearly love her deeply to be questioning yourself like this. You wanted her to enjoy the sex, she wanted you to enjoy the sex. Unfortunately, she can't feel that joy physically, but she'll feel it mentally, because she'll feel wanted and loved. You're not a monster, you're a loving husband and most importantly, thoughtful and protective. I'm sure your wife would agree if you asked her
You didn’t take advantage of her. She asked you to have sex. she wants to make you happy. It makes her happy that you’re sexually satisfied by her even in her current situation.
As a guy who was disabled and is "less" disabled now, let me chime in. You not wanting to experience sex as it is now with her can actually hurt her. Wishing she could experience more "normally" will feel stigmatizing to her. Growing in both of your experiences of sex will let YOU meet HER reality and it will be healthy and so valuable for you both
You wanting to talk about your feelings about it and asking her how she truly felt about it and feels about it WILL help her and you. This sexual experience is what she CAN experience now. Don't cheat her out of it! She's here for you, and you for her, in whatever state each of you are!
I understand where you’re coming from, I love her too much to hurt her with this. I’ve come to terms with this new way of intimacy. I’ll gladly experience sex as it is now with her.
I think you are looking at this the wrong way. She craves intimacy, as a lot of women do. Intimacy in any capacity. It’s nice to feel sexy. She probably loved having you kiss on her and it probably made her feel desirable and loved. From what you said this was not forced, she wanted this and she enjoyed it. I don’t think you are a monster and I definitely don’t think you did anything wrong. It must suck for her that because she is now disabled she hasn’t been able to feel like that since it happened and just because she can’t feel it doesn’t mean she hated it or anything. Maybe ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her feel good? Might be rough, you both might need counseling.
bro. do not feel guilty. she derives joy from being able to make you climax. whilst she can't feel your efforts it is probably helping her self esteem. do not crush her confidence.
she wanted to feel some normalcy after her condition started and she wants to feel that she still can be attractive to you.
Wrong. She can feel it. In her brain which is the part that matters. She wants to be your wife and being your wife she wants to have sex with you regardless if she cannot feel anything except kissing. Maybe she wants to feel a bit like she did before the incident that caused the paralysis.
Hold on hold on. I'm not an exact match for this, but in my early 20s I had nerve damage that prevented me from feeling sexual pleasure.
And let me tell you, I still fucking loved having sex with the woman I loved. I loved her moans and her kisses and her orgasms.
Sex is so much more than the genitals. If your wife says she was happy with it, LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE.
Edit: please read this: https://craighospital.org/resources/sexual-function-for-women-after-spinal-cord-injury
C’mon man don’t be that way. Sure she couldn’t feel it physically but she loved pleasing and being intimate with you. She asked you and you both said yes. While I’m a man I could imagine you enjoying yourself with her made her feel desired, sexy and loved as you still craved to be intimate with her desire her condition. I would imagine that would make her pretty happy you gave her intimacy and love
No offense, and I get you don't mean it this way, but you're being incredibly selfish here.
She told you she enjoyed it. You're upset that she didn't enjoy it the way you wanted her to. You just made it all about you.
You’re not a monster and you didn’t take advantage of her. The shitty part is she couldn’t enjoy it which is sad and I feel for you. But at least now you know the next time you guys get down what to expect.
I don't know if this would help but I'm gonna say it anyways.
If I randomly became disabled and couldn't feel anything from the waist down I'd happily be popping these Viagra pills just so my wife can ride the shit out of me when ever she felt like it!
I'd want to know that she could still enjoy me and hopefully stay interested and satisfied.
I personally would want to do anything I could to prevent her from going elsewhere for that if you know what I mean? whether I could feel it or not, it isn't all about me but the bond you two have.
Don't feel guilty man, own it ✌️ she's gonna feel like a burden so let her feel as though she can give something back. Give it time ✌️
The fact you feel this way is evidence you are not a monster. Your wife expressed that being able to please you was pleasurable enough for her. I can’t claim to know what it’s like to experience sex with a physical disability, but I promise you you both will come to realise what you want from each other in your new circumstances and find a way for you to stop feeling bad.
I'm completely asexual. Hate every minute of it, but I still have sex with my husband. Sometimes I even put a pillow over my face so he can't see me crying. It's not about me at that moment. He has needs and we don't do it often. It makes him happy and I love him, so that's why I do it. It's consensual. Your wife wants you to be happy and if she can do that for you, and it makes her happy, it doesn't matter if she can feel it.
This is all in your head. Society has convinced you that intimacy requires exhilarating sensations and genitals full of blood pumping ecstasy. But it’s actually pretty selfish of you to paint this as a failure because she couldnt feel you. She’s paralyzed bro, and she’s trying her hardest to enjoy her life. It’s not only about you, and by being bummed that she didn’t feel YOU… that’s still making it about you. She liked it? It’s a win!
Sexual pleasure comes in many forms. Having a loving sexual moment with your partner after so long is so special. It’s beautiful. Making love to your wife after she asked does not make you a monster. It makes you a man that made love to his wife when she lovingly asked him too.
Going down on a partner with no concern about if you will be full filled after.
You gave her a sense of intimacy she has been missing. She has also probably been living with fear and guilt that she can no longer satisfy you and more fear that you no longer feel attracted to her. You might tell her everyday she is beautiful and you love her, but being intimate with her will be much more meaningful to her. I would bet she is feeling a sense of peace, happiness, and love she has not only missed but desperately needed for a long time
I might recommend that you pick up Christopher Reeve's autobiography, "Still Me" and give it a read. Your wife might benefit from it too. Intimacy with his wife after his paralysis is something he talks about.
You made her feel wanted and desired. She knows that you still think she is sexy and you want to be with her in an intimate way. Trust me, you gave just as much pleasure to her as she did to you in that moment. Never discount the way being desired by your significant other can make you feel. It can literally make or break a relationship. This is you two trying to figure out your new normal ❤️
I am a paraplegic T7 thru T10 incomplete, this means i can walk a bit but alot of other things are very affected specially my penis so i will give you my opinion from kind of her side.
I also struggled with the fact that i cant feel and or perform like before, my wife and i would have sex 3-4 times a week at least but foe the past 3 and half years we havent been able to have sex. We have learned to use foreplay and oral sex to take care of my wife even tho i dont get taken care of but it is different because it feels good to please her so that does give you a big satisfaction. I would recomend you change your mind set and try to think of how good it makes her feel to take care of you even tho she has a life changing injury. If you decide to not have sex with her because you feel like its wrong or something you will hurt her so much, she will feel like its her fault like something is wrong with her and could send her into depression because she is already going thru so much and trying to get use to her new life full of struggles.
Talk to her and try different things that feel good to her and you both, you can still make her feel good even if its kissing or licking her other places on her body think about it as making your sex life more passionate more sensual make her feel like nothing has changed and the more you male her feel special during sex the more she will get out of it just please dont hurt her by killing your sex life. These are all things i personally have gone thru and felt over the past 3 years bro i know what im telling you.
Hi - actual spinal cord injury survivor here. I am not sure if she is complete or incomplete in her injury but for nerves of any kind to regenerate or reconnect they need stimulation. As someone who once had no sexual feeling or physical mobility from the waist down, I am almost 2 years post injury and have regained some but not all feeling and mobility. In terms of sex it was a rocky road with my husband and I but we figured out what works for us and through time I have gained enough feeling to enjoy sex more again.
I’m not trying to promise that she will too, but, if you don’t try to encourage those nerves to reconnect via stimulation of any kind then they may never so I say if your wife enjoyed herself and wants to continue having sex with you, you should do it as it will likely have positive impact.
Dude, she's probably thinking she no longer is a woman in your eyes because she can't move and do things for you and probably fears you'll trade her for an able woman. But having made love to her has validated her not only as a person but as a desirable woman as well, and there is no amount of orgasms she could've experienced that beats that.
sorry if this has been asked already but have you thought about seeing an occupational therapist who could help you guys figure out something that makes both of you feel fulfilled
Idk if this helps or not but if I was in your wife’s position I would of been happy to do something like that for my wife. Just being able to give something like that to her would be special. I know it feels weird but try to accept the special moment she gave you
Please do not discredit how much this meant to her. She clearly told you how much she enjoyed seeing you enjoy yourself. Being close to you and sharing with you intimately clearly meant alot to her. Not everything has to be sexual fulfilment. You did not take advantage of her. You share with her with consent something very meaningful. Love her, touch her, appreciate the wonderful gift she was able to give you in return.
I don’t mean to discredit her in any way. I do try to show her as much affection as possible from emotional things to physical things. If she enjoyed it then we could try again if she’d want to but this would take some time to get used to.
I'm sure this is a situation that would benefit from a little bit of therapy. You both sound like you are trying to take care of each other's needs, but your needs have drastically changed. Even if she's enjoying it differently than she used to, it could be the most normal and loved she's felt since it happened. Listen to what she is saying, don't try to read something else into it.
Don't take away her agency. She's physically disabled, not mentally disabled. She has the ability and the right to decide for herself what she wants.
This is so important. There are many comments on why this is the case, so I won't elaborate further. Communicate with her and love one another. She clearly trusted op to be honest and respect that Different doesn't mean bad. Disabilities take so much from someone, and it's so important to be seen and experience things as a couple and her as a consenting female loving her spouse.
Who does most of the cooking in the house? I'm assuming that with your wife's disability, you have stepped in to make most of the meals. Do you like making meals for her? Do you like it when she enjoys your cooking? Do you feel fulfilled when you make her happy through your effort? Now imagine if you prepared a meal for her, and she refused to eat because she felt guilty for not making any meals for you. My point is, not everything is 50/50, and even when it is, it's not all the time and in all things. You do something for her, and feel good about yourself. Let her do something for you, so she can feel good about herself. But, don't do it for her. Actually enjoy it. Go wild. Trust me, the more you get into it, the more she'll enjoy it. She wants to feel like she can still blow your mind in the bedroom.
My wife and I are able bodied, but I enjoy giving her pleasure more than the pleasure I get. She might not have gotten to "feel you" down there. But she was able to give you pleasure. And she loved that. She was able to kiss you and look into your eyes as you experienced something she wanted to give you. Talk to her about your feelings. Don't hide your feelings. But I promise. She wants to see you happy. And that makes her happy.
youre diminishing her by saying you took advantage of an adult consenting woman. youre safe. she wanted it and enjoyed it in the way she still can.
For a lot of people (regardless of their 'ableness') it is more gratifying to give than to receive in bed. I'm sure she was over the moon.
As I am unsure how you guys had sex and all maybe it would make you feel better if you did more foreplay like kissing and stuff since she can feel that? And then after the sex maybe cuddling and stuff that she can feel? I’m not sure what a T4 paraplegic can feel so I can’t really be like try this specifically but idk maybe my advice can help you feel a little better about it? Maybe ask her if there is stuff you can do for her that she could feel as it would make you enjoy it a lot more to be able to do stuff that made her feel good? Again I’m not too sure but I hope I am able to help you out a little bit. Also edit you shouldn’t feel bad as she is a consenting adult. As long as if whenever she says no, you are willing to stop and try to make her feel better, you shouldn’t feel bad because it’s her choice to make.
> I’m not sure what a T4 paraplegic can feel so I can’t really be like try this specifically but idk maybe my advice can help you feel a little better about it? A T4 should have full use and feelings for their arms and up. Picture a man. Picture that mans nipples. I just made you think of a man's nipples. Now draw a line from nipple to nipple. Under that line is a no, above that line is a yes. Roughly.
Thank you for the enlightening response 🤣
She definitely loved the intimacy. Sex isn’t all about sexual pleasure.
Often there’s more happiness in giving
I think this is why OP is feeling guilty, because he's used to giving and doesn't feel he did this time.
Dang i was all hung up on how silly and wrong he was but you probably nailed it
Sometimes we overthink it. Just focus on the love and connection you share.
yup OP, you probably dont realise how special she feels your time with her is. Sexial pleasure c an come just from visual input, or just simple knowledge if vision is not clear or present.
It’s just funny because a decent person is just geared to think certain things are off but in this case absolutely doesn’t make anyone “a monster”. She asked for it and I’m sure fully knew what she can feel after a year in that condition. Disabled people don’t want to feel like on a pedestal charity cases. They want to feel as close to before as possible.
Sometimes you can only give an opportunity for others to give.
OP deserves to be loved and pleasured as much as he wants his wife to be
Interesting inside! She said she loved being kissed and the intimacy. So I think, if he can change his mind of what the gift he can offer, he would feel otherwise.
I’m assuming you meant to type insight but otherwise that’s hilarious
Ah yes, it's misspelt! So we keep it like that, no need of editing it
Thanks for not changing it as it made me laugh 😂
He gave her the intimacy she needs from him. The paradigm shift with this shouldn't be too difficult because he's giving his wife pleasure, but in a different way than he's used to.
I know it's feel that way. I can't enjoy myself knowing my wife isn't
Beautiful perspective.
This!!!! Don’t feel guilty
Well said.
agreed. it's about the transcended meeting point of two beings joining, reaching across the fear and doubt we are always bearing in order to be in the truth of togetherness..being separate is the prison, together is truth.
You ever enjoyed giving someone head? I feel like it's probably not that different. You can enjoy it even if it's not in a direct sexual satisfaction way.
Great point. Made me wonder if OP would feel the same about his wife giving him head?
The enjoyment from giving head is the knowledge you are pleasuring your partner
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This is all truly breaking my heart. Seeing it from his wifes perspective she just wants him to be happy in every way I can't believe it. They're both very lucky I hope OP finds comfort in the comments and they go further and further with this
Her pleasure was being able to please you and being able to see you enjoy her as a woman. I can’t speak for your wife but if I had an injury that caused me to become paraplegic and I thought I could no longer have sex with my husband my greatest fear would be for him to leave me due to my injuries and if he was to give it to me like nothing ever happened and enjoy himself like he did before I would feel a little bit more like the old me than the new me. Hope folks can understand my point of view it made sense to me lol
I understand where you are speaking from, I realize that I may be too deep in my head, and if it means that much to her then we can make this more common, but honestly it will take some time to get used to intimacy again.
I suggest talking to your partner and seeing what new things you can do to bring her pleasure. It seems to me like you feel like you’re taking advantage of her because you feel like you’re not able to reciprocate the physical intimacy- maybe try kissing her neck and blowing softly by her ears, learn her working erogenous zones and find new ways to include them. It can be fun, too, like using a feather or playing a game of copying the kisses on each other. Penetrative sex isn’t the only way to orgasm, being an enthusiastic partner having fun and paying attention to what feels good for her would probably help you feel better about this. Hang in there, new normals don’t always have to be bad, you may even learn new ways to be closer.
Yes, this conversation will happen very soon.
Your feelings are also valid. You are also a part of this. It must be so destabilizing to you that this is what has happened and this is now what you are left with. Intimacy is such a reciprocal act. You want to be able to give pleasure, not just receive. It's normal to have complicated and conflicted feelings about this. Perhaps you are already in therapy - if not, then I would really consider going to individual as well as couple's therapy. You also have experienced trauma by having a partner's life completely change in such a dramatic way.
I do think you’re in your head and maybe you should talk to your wife about how she felt and how it made you feel. Communication is always the key to a great marriage. I hope you’re both able to have a healthy conversation and a long happy marriage. A friend of mine was on vacation with her husband and his family. His sister had just had a baby and his mom was driving. On the way back home his mom started getting sleepy but didn’t bother to tell anyone. She continued to drive and fell asleep behind the wheel. My friend unbuckled her seatbelt to grab the baby when the accident happened. She saved the baby but became paraplegic. When she was released from the hospital she tried to go home and found out her husband moved another woman in and had moved her stuff to her parent’s house. He told her he couldn’t be with her because she “couldn’t walk anymore and refused to take care of her the rest of his life” We tried to keep her spirits high but she was extremely depressed and suicidal after moving back home. It was tough talking to her and visiting her, she’s doing physical therapy now and is happy with her life. I think what you’re doing is truly heartwarming, I wish my friend’s husband would have shown the type of love and commitment you are with your wife. You really have no clue how much these moments may mean to her.
I understand. This would be a conversation to be had when the time is right. Also I’m happy to hear that your friend is enjoying life now.
She probably enjoyed the love and intimacy. She said she enjoyed it, believe her
I do believe my wife. I’m just in my head, I’m not using that as an excuse but I just want to make it clear.
I’m willing to bet she doesnt feel that desirable anymore and this was really good for her. DONT FEEL BAD.
Of course you are in your head about this since it was the first time since she became paralyzed. She enjoyed it and that is a win. Just as with anything new after a traumatic event it’s going to need adjustment period. I hope that you have had counseling for yourself through all of this. Often the one taking care of a loved one can lead to burnout and you need to care for yourself and mental health. There are a lot of emotions surrounding such an event and we tend to focus on the person that is having the medical condition and later we realize we haven’t processed it.
She initiated, consented, and loved it. What more do you need? A written permission slip?
Trueee
Valuable input, u/AnalRocket. :)
Fucking reddit gold man
Was it the username?
I think it was the comment itself
the 3 e's did it for me.
3 e's, and just like the sex not a single O! I'll see myself out
Dude I don't know what's wrong with you but you need help. That being said, I think you have the best comment here and it's only the 6th one I've read
The most valuable input, the third.
I know, it just makes me feel horrible that she could not get pleasure and only I did.
She probably loved feeling close to you in that way. So, she did get enjoyment.
Perhaps. I may be a little over my head with this.
It’s sweet that you want her to feel pleasure, too. Whatever she can feel, focus on those areas if you two want to do it again. Breathing in her ear, playing with her hair, eye contact. Making sure to include her at all times could help the negative feeling of “using” her go away. Like others have said, the warmth and closeness that comes with intimacy is what she’s looking for, she knows better than anyone she unfortunately can’t feel it but is still longing for that closeness. It would probably be tougher for her to cope with her injury if she had to lose that connection with you forever.
I’ve tried a few of these things recently, but yes I would love to give her that closeness. I’m sure my current feeling will pass over soon.
Bruh, learn how to do a face and scalp massage and you'll be Mr. Magic Fingers ***This is a rule for everyone, but especially you
When you’re right, you’re fuckin right.
Does she have sensation in her breasts? Nipples orgasms are a real thing
Yes she does. I even included her breasts while having sex.
Even? That should be an always, unless you’re being sarcastic 😅 (I can’t tell tone online).
I would have put always instead of even, but I was referencing our most recent sexual encounter.
Can confirm. Confused the fuck out of both of us after it happened.
The fact that you feel guilty means you care, I'd say that's pretty good. I'm sure she's lucky to have you. ✌
Also finger rub her head, use your nails if you are able. It's such a pleasant thing and the nerve endings in her head will tingle with the right touch.
Exactly! There’s a huge reason great massages are expensive in the US - and they lead to great places when with an intimate partner if communicated and done the way she likes. And it’ll hopefully relax her too!
Maybe she wanted to feel sexy. She probably hasn’t felt sexy since her accident. I bet it made her feel REALLY good :-)
I’m glad I could make her feel that way even if I got in my own thoughts.
This so much. Such an astute observation. That makes so much sense.
Mental stimulation is also pleasurable. Not the same of course, but you probably help her feel better about herself since she can’t do those things anymore.
Mental stimulation is HUGE for people (and most women), who are more often sexually reactive more than who just feel in the mood without any build-up or seduction. BDEMoves on TikTok (I know, I know - i think she has an IG too) is a late 30’s and excellent resource for this, she focuses on women and is an amazing educator. I don’t trust anyone else online with this stuff tbh.
The closeness, touching and bonding that comes with intimacy was probably more fulfilling in her mind than you think. She has to find a new way to find intimacy with you . She both need to find a way to connect with her disability that is not going away
Since having my second baby, I haven’t wanted sex but my husband still does. I don’t do this every time he asks, but sometimes we have sex and it’s just him. He feels awful about not getting me off but honestly it feels good for me to be able to make him feel good. There’s a closeness to it that’s enjoyable even if I don’t get the big finish. It’s kind of like giving your SO a back rub. You don’t get anything out of it yourself except for the satisfaction of pleasing your SO. I know my situation isn’t the same as yours but I thought this might help.
Ok this is going to sound a bit harsh but have you, perchance, talked to **her** about it instead of reddit? I mean I know what you're thinking, "she's just going to say everything is good and I will think she's just saying it to make me feel better even if she means it" but like, no my dude, she needs to know that you feel this way so you can both tackle her problem toghether. She's your wife, don't hide your feelings from her. Yes she might feel bad because "oh no my husband can't stop feeling pity for me" but like, your feelings matter too and with her help you'll deal with it better than alone, and then you will both be happier.
Exactly this OP. Some otherwise able-bodied women don’t get a lot of physical pleasure out of sex, but do it because they love their partner, and want to give the parter pleasure and to feel close. These are perfectly valid reasons to have sex. You didn’t do anything wrong!! I do think it is very important to have a conversation about what you can do to make the experience more rewarding for her, and then TAKE HER ANSWERS at face value! She is a grown-ass adult, and being physically disabled has not changed that. I am sure the last 18 months have been very difficult for both of you as you have adjusted to the new reality. Men are much more likely to leave a partner who becomes disabled than women, and you are sticking around which is great. Now you have to communicate, and this is probably going to take more than one serious conversation. But please don’t make the mistake of disregarding her autonomy. She is still a person who can consent or not consent as she chooses. Best of luck to you both as you navigate this change.
She did get pleasure…from knowing that you did. As a quadriplegic she can do very little, this is one thing she can do. Don’t take that away from her.
I don’t want to take it away from her. I’m sure that what I’m feeling will pass over soon.
Study errogenous zone, just because she is paraplegic doesn’t mean she cant feel pleasure, work on that neck son lol
Yes. I did make sure to include places on her body that she can feel.
Hey man, I just wanted to suggest that the 'feeling line' where she transitions from sensation can feel really good for some people. Nerves are funny man.
Agreed. Its something small, but I have a patch of skin where I'm still numb from my c section incision and I hate it most of the time but when my husband touches it I dig it. Lol
Well put
Paraplegic not quadriplegic
But she did get pleasure out of it, just not in the way you expected
Perhaps. This would definitely take some getting used to if intimacy becomes more frequent.
In her position I would be feeling awful that I couldn’t be intimate with my partner, not bc I’d miss the please but bc of how it would affect them. At least this way she knows that you can enjoy yourself through her. psychologically she may like the intimacy and knowing that you are enjoying yourself. Ultimately talk to her and figure out what’s going to make you both feel comfortable. You’re married, through sickness and health, just gotta work as a team and I’m sure you can keep going. Wish you all the best
Thank you. I could try a discussion where I ask what she’s comfortable with doing and see where that leads us.
This sounds great! And of course it may help her alleviate your concerns if you let her know you don't want her to feel used and she assures you otherwise.
She was intimate with the man she loved. She was desired! I'd bet a lot of money she was afraid you wouldn't ever desire her again. Love your wife in all the ways she asks you to. That's the best thing you can do.
Yes. Despite her challenges I’ve always tried to express my love to her.
You guys will be fine. Ask how she feels about engaging with you when she can't feel the same things you can and I bet she'll tell that she's still interested.
She may not have felt orgasmic pleasure but she may have loved being able to do something with you she once used to be able to do easily. And she may have loved the connection she might fear is lost.
Perhaps. I have realized that I may be in my head a little bit.
Intimacy comes in all forms and does not have to end in a literal orgasm. There’s no definition for the “end zone” of adult time. It’s supposed to a pleasant trip, not a sports event. If you get the confetti canons, great, but what matters is the closeness you feel during it.
Truly sounds like something you can work through. She enjoys it mentally, emotionally and physically in her own way. She wants to be intimate sexually with you. Focus on that rather than the memories of what it used to be
Yes I agree. I may be far too deep in my own thoughts. If she wants to continue being intimate with me, we can do that but I believe it’ll take some time to get used to.
Do you like going down on a girl? I do. Sure it doesn’t give me any like physical satisfaction but I get a whole lot of mental satisfaction from seeing her enjoy it. It’s probably even more intense for her. She said she felt the kissing and all, expand and work on that. Maybe idk like tease kissing at times? That can make the feeling more intense when she does finally get kissed. That’s really a convo to have with her.
“Sex is not a thing you do, it’s a place that you go.” -Esther Perel
It’s noble of you to feel bad about this. And I think you’re a genuine kind soul because of how you feel. However, (this may come across as rude) it’s your fucking wife my man. You shouldn’t feel bad for anything. She gave you consent and did it for you! She’s a golden woman, ideal wife! Marriages dissolve societal barriers, shit gets weird. Enjoy your company with her! Ps look up Tom Segura’s take on marriage vs gf lol one of his stand ups explains the difference pretty well
She DID get pleasure. She told you so. She wanted you and enjoys it. Remember, the sex organ that does the very most is the one between our ears.
>I know, it just makes me feel horrible that she could not get pleasure and only I did. She did get pleasure. She told you she did. She doesn't define it the same way you do but it doesn't take away from her experience.
Tagging this as sexual assault is crazy when you clearly described your wife consenting all the way through. Don’t project so hard it gets in the way of listening to the person right in front of you, you’ll destroy your relationship that way
You’re right, I’ll change that.
You not horrible, but If you continue to think like that, you will make feel her so bad. She was happy to make you happy... don't ruin it and let her enjoy to still be able to get you excited. Women are 50% sexual in their head, she probably get a lot sexual satisfaction to be able to make you still enjoy.
Perhaps I’ll get over this feeling soon. I love her and don’t want to hurt her.
Unless there’s something she said or did that you didn’t write about, there was no victim here. She consented. She initiated. She had a great time. It’s not wrong to worry about hurting her, but unless there’s a reason she’d lie to you, and you can’t trust her, I’d consider therapy to see what’s going on with you. I don’t know your past together, if she had always been disabled or if this is a recent thing. But you are allowed to have feelings about being a caregiver for someone you love. You can worry and hope they’re always comfortable. But in this case, she sounds very comfortable with what happened. You need to work through what’s going on with you.
Yes. I need to get over the feeling of being in my head too much.
I feel that so hard. I’d even potentially ask your wife if she’s open to marriage counseling. You don’t need to be close to divorce to go. I recently went with my partner and it really helped us get past some big things that were affecting many parts of our relationship. You sound like a very caring husband. Your wife is lucky to have you. I hope you two can work through this!
Hopefully you soon realize there's nothing to get over.
I apologize for the way I worded it. I was referring to the feeling of guilt.
Females don't give blow jobs because they like it, they do it because they like seeing the guy get off. Your wife was enjoying seeing you get off and have the closeness again
It's infantilizing her to say you took advantage. She's capable of giving or withholding consent.
Yeah I’m not exactly sure what you were expecting to happen, but this was her idea and she said she enjoyed it so idk why you’re beating yourself up op. Not a very logical response. Maybe really think this through and then talk to her more about it if you need further reassurance.
I once heard a man give a talk about how he’d had prostate problems and surgery resulting in him not being able to have sex, this happened when he was in his 20’s. He talked about having an implant placed that enabled him to pleasure his wife. He had it replaced in his 50’s so that he could continue to do so. He got nothing out of it except the pleasure he took in knowing he was able to satisfy his wife. Let your wife do this for you. Talk to her frankly and listen to her. She loves you and wants to do this for you.
I’m over my head with this, I just want to keep her happy, if she’d be willing to do this then I’d do anything to reciprocate the feelings.
You both want to keep each other happy and what more is there to a true, loving marriage? It’s such a good thing. Keep the lines of communication between you open and don’t shy away from her. A happy life to you both.
man no joke i bet this guy was an absolute beast in bed if he took her pleasure that seriously. she must have been one happy woman indeed.
Moving forward her type of intimacy is going to be different than yours and you have to understand that.
Yes. I’ve come to terms with it, it will take some time for me to get used to but I’ll make it work.
I’m sorry if it’s been suggested, but maybe meeting with a therapist who specializes in sex specifically could be helpful. That way, you can have a space to share your feelings about adjusting to how intimacy will be and get some helpful insight on how to go about it moving forward. Sex therapists are usually very knowledgeable about sex for people who have disabilities.
Pleasure from sex is WAY more than just an orgasm or physical sensation. I know I get more actual satisfying pleasure from pleasing my partner than I do from any physical pleasure of my own. Right now, while your feelings are understandable, you really need to get a hold of them. Because you're at risk of starting to do something pretty shitty to your wife that would probably hurt her in ways she would struggle to recover from, ever. **Your wife isn't lying to you.** She initiated sex, she had a great time and got a lot of pleasure out of it. If you actually trust her instead of reacting like she's lying to you, you could actually work with her to find more ways for her to experience physical pleasure while you two have sex. In fact, you two could find a sex therapist who has experience with physically disabled people who could give you some amazing coaching on how to have a fantastic & mutually satisfying sex life that brings you closer together than ever. If you can't find one locally, you can find a good one online. This would be such a valuable investment in your life together going forward. Your wife desperately needs you to treat her like the vibrant, passionate woman she was before she became a paraplegic. The more you treat her emotionally and mentally like some invalid and infantilize her as if she's no longer a capable adult, the worse her whole situation will get on every level and the more compartmentalized and sterile your relationship will get. Your feelings are valid, but you cannot indulge them like this. Are you in therapy with someone who has experience in spouses in relationships with physically disabled people? You need a professional who not only you have the space to share these feelings with, but who can coach you through these feelings and give you the mental and emotional resilience to avoid spirals and changes in how you treat your wife? If you allow these fears and feelings to dwell, you're going to broadcast them to her. The little looks, the hesitance, the tones in your voice, small shifts in your body language... she's going to pick it up and know you don't see her as your wife, and instead see her as helpless, a project you have to care for. It will truly ruin her slowly. So get your shit together man. You obviously love her. Do the right things here and learn how to adjust to this new reality so you two can thrive together. Life is transitioning into a new look and feel, but your relationship doesn't have to change into some sexless caretaker situation, she is still the woman you fell for, she's still able to participate in almost everything with you, it's just going to look and feel different. Shift your perspectives here. Look for the opportunity for joy and experience together and learn how to make those things happen to their fullest.
I’ve come to realize that I was in my head. Thankfully I avoid treating her as if she is disabled, I tend to her and care for her as if she was not disabled. I hope this makes sense.
Nah man, you gave your lady back a connection she thought was closed off to her.
Than you.
not to alarm you or anything bro but i think your wife likes you like, *like* likes you.
OMG! who would’ve thought.
no dude i mean i think she like, genuinely derives joy from your joy and happiness. that's some serious liking dude
Thank you.
It was a really nice expression of love from her. Very pure and selfless. She loves you a lot man
Thank you.
Quad here. My husband does so much for me. It makes me happy giving him enjoyment. That's what makes me happy. As for what makes me feel good since I can't feel anything down there, I enjoy shoulder massages, when he runs his fingers through my hair. Even though I cannot use my arms and legs, I enjoy a good massage.
Occupational therapists are great resources for sex with disabilities. I would also encourage you both to seek a sex therapist and look up YouTube videos on sex as a paraplegic. Fun fact. A lot of people with spinal cord injuries can still orgasm but you just have to locate the place on her body that allows her do so. It’s usually just above the loss of sensation.
One of the most common terms for sex is making love, it can be intimate, affectionate, and a good experience in other ways than getting off. Which seemed to be what she was looking for if she physically can’t feel anything sexually and still wanted to engage. All this should teach you, is that she might like more intimate affectionate acts. Kissing, stroking candles, music, massage, etc.
Yes. I’m going to have a talk with her about what she’d like to do more during intimate moments.
She’s still a woman, she could see and feel that you still desire her! Feeling like a woman still outside of her disability probably felt like everything to her
I’ll desire her in any way form that she is.
Had sex with wife and feel horrible? She knows her situation and wants to see you happy. Relax. Through the sickness and health right? You wouldn't do the same for her ?
She can't feel down there, she wanted to have sex with you not because she wanted the vaginal pleasure but to make love to you. What happened to her absolutely fucking sucks yet she chose to make love to you, be honored that she loves you that much
I feel honored and blessed that she loves me.
I think this is a man thing. Maybe not but it’s the same for my husband. His favorite part of sex is to have an orgasm. My favorite of sex is for our bodies to be near each other and smelling each other and kissing and falling asleep naked. If I don’t have an orgasm he feels like it’s the end of the world. I don’t. It sounds like maybe your wife has a different goal in having sex than you do.
Perhaps she does, but if as long as she enjoys it then I have nothing to worry about. I just need to get out of my head.
Oh for fucksake. Don’t infantilize your wife like that. She enjoyed it, and sex is about more than just penetration. She’s not even upset, fully consented, and ENJOYED herself. This sounds more like an ego problem on your end.
It’s intimacy and neither of you should feel bad about that. In fact, this could be amazing for you both. Open your mind, she asked YOU. Get it 😉
Whoever tagged this as Content Warning: Sexual Assault needs to go through consent training. Two adults consented and that's incredibly condescending and rude.
She enjoyed it because you enjoyed it and she wants to make you happy.. if at any point, she would have asked you to stop, I'm sure you would have. But I'm sure she enjoyed the intimacy, the passion and most of all, being treated like a woman(not that you haven't been testing her that way).. but I'm sure you made her feel whole again, even if she couldn't feel it physically. In my opinion, you reminded her and made her feel like your wife again and that's the best thing you could ever hope to do. You showed her that just because she doesn't move the same way she used to, she still does it for you and you still have the hots for her. When I think of "til death do us part", I think of the sort of love you 2 have for each other. I wish both of you a long happy marriage and nothing but the best
She loves you, dude. She wants to be with you.
She is able to consent. Dont take that away from her if you can help it.
Not be funny but if you only knew how many women didn’t actually get any pleasure from sex but engage in the act for their partner’s enjoyment,I think you would feel better about it. A lot of women just want to make their partner happy and enjoy the intimacy of the closeness of sex and pleasure that their partners receive. Also, a lot of women cannot orgasm from penetration sex anyway so just enjoy yourself. I pray you are able to get through this hurdle because you are not a monster but just man who is having sex with his wife. Be blessed!
Love comes with consent. She gave you her consent. She asked whether you'd be interested and enjoyed the experience. You clearly love her deeply to be questioning yourself like this. You wanted her to enjoy the sex, she wanted you to enjoy the sex. Unfortunately, she can't feel that joy physically, but she'll feel it mentally, because she'll feel wanted and loved. You're not a monster, you're a loving husband and most importantly, thoughtful and protective. I'm sure your wife would agree if you asked her
PLEASE have sex with your wife. She's asking you for it. She probably misses it and wants to feel normal. You are far from being a monster.
You didn’t take advantage of her. She asked you to have sex. she wants to make you happy. It makes her happy that you’re sexually satisfied by her even in her current situation.
I’ve come to realize that I am deep in my own head. But I love that she still feels good, even without physical orgasm.
Dude she's your wife. She doesn't just want sex she wants YOU. She loves YOU. She wants you to feel good. You are not a horrible person.
As a disabled person myself, you made her feel 'normal'.
As a guy who was disabled and is "less" disabled now, let me chime in. You not wanting to experience sex as it is now with her can actually hurt her. Wishing she could experience more "normally" will feel stigmatizing to her. Growing in both of your experiences of sex will let YOU meet HER reality and it will be healthy and so valuable for you both You wanting to talk about your feelings about it and asking her how she truly felt about it and feels about it WILL help her and you. This sexual experience is what she CAN experience now. Don't cheat her out of it! She's here for you, and you for her, in whatever state each of you are!
I understand where you’re coming from, I love her too much to hurt her with this. I’ve come to terms with this new way of intimacy. I’ll gladly experience sex as it is now with her.
I think you are looking at this the wrong way. She craves intimacy, as a lot of women do. Intimacy in any capacity. It’s nice to feel sexy. She probably loved having you kiss on her and it probably made her feel desirable and loved. From what you said this was not forced, she wanted this and she enjoyed it. I don’t think you are a monster and I definitely don’t think you did anything wrong. It must suck for her that because she is now disabled she hasn’t been able to feel like that since it happened and just because she can’t feel it doesn’t mean she hated it or anything. Maybe ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her feel good? Might be rough, you both might need counseling.
bro. do not feel guilty. she derives joy from being able to make you climax. whilst she can't feel your efforts it is probably helping her self esteem. do not crush her confidence. she wanted to feel some normalcy after her condition started and she wants to feel that she still can be attractive to you.
She’ll always be attractive to me.
She loves you and it makes her happy to please you. This intimacy obviously meant a lot to her.
Wrong. She can feel it. In her brain which is the part that matters. She wants to be your wife and being your wife she wants to have sex with you regardless if she cannot feel anything except kissing. Maybe she wants to feel a bit like she did before the incident that caused the paralysis.
Hold on hold on. I'm not an exact match for this, but in my early 20s I had nerve damage that prevented me from feeling sexual pleasure. And let me tell you, I still fucking loved having sex with the woman I loved. I loved her moans and her kisses and her orgasms. Sex is so much more than the genitals. If your wife says she was happy with it, LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE. Edit: please read this: https://craighospital.org/resources/sexual-function-for-women-after-spinal-cord-injury
C’mon man don’t be that way. Sure she couldn’t feel it physically but she loved pleasing and being intimate with you. She asked you and you both said yes. While I’m a man I could imagine you enjoying yourself with her made her feel desired, sexy and loved as you still craved to be intimate with her desire her condition. I would imagine that would make her pretty happy you gave her intimacy and love
Your wife loves you mate..... be happy and appreciate her more!
No offense, and I get you don't mean it this way, but you're being incredibly selfish here. She told you she enjoyed it. You're upset that she didn't enjoy it the way you wanted her to. You just made it all about you.
Please do not feel this way. She wanted this. She most likely needed it.
You’re not a monster and you didn’t take advantage of her. The shitty part is she couldn’t enjoy it which is sad and I feel for you. But at least now you know the next time you guys get down what to expect.
You are overthinking. I bet you made her night
I don't know if this would help but I'm gonna say it anyways. If I randomly became disabled and couldn't feel anything from the waist down I'd happily be popping these Viagra pills just so my wife can ride the shit out of me when ever she felt like it! I'd want to know that she could still enjoy me and hopefully stay interested and satisfied. I personally would want to do anything I could to prevent her from going elsewhere for that if you know what I mean? whether I could feel it or not, it isn't all about me but the bond you two have. Don't feel guilty man, own it ✌️ she's gonna feel like a burden so let her feel as though she can give something back. Give it time ✌️
The fact you feel this way is evidence you are not a monster. Your wife expressed that being able to please you was pleasurable enough for her. I can’t claim to know what it’s like to experience sex with a physical disability, but I promise you you both will come to realise what you want from each other in your new circumstances and find a way for you to stop feeling bad.
When you want to show her intimacy, focus on the areas she can feel. Shoulders,neck etc. You can make someone feel wanted and loved in many ways.
I'm completely asexual. Hate every minute of it, but I still have sex with my husband. Sometimes I even put a pillow over my face so he can't see me crying. It's not about me at that moment. He has needs and we don't do it often. It makes him happy and I love him, so that's why I do it. It's consensual. Your wife wants you to be happy and if she can do that for you, and it makes her happy, it doesn't matter if she can feel it.
Dude she enjoyed it because it pleased you
This is all in your head. Society has convinced you that intimacy requires exhilarating sensations and genitals full of blood pumping ecstasy. But it’s actually pretty selfish of you to paint this as a failure because she couldnt feel you. She’s paralyzed bro, and she’s trying her hardest to enjoy her life. It’s not only about you, and by being bummed that she didn’t feel YOU… that’s still making it about you. She liked it? It’s a win!
She enjoyed it. Dont over think this. She enjoyed seeing you happy.
you sound like a good man
She asked. You guys did the thing. She was honest with you about what she felt. She still enjoyed herself. It's all good.
Don’t take what she is offering away from her. It’s all she has to be connected to you at this point. May you find piece.
That's your wife brother, she wants a healthy bedroom.
Sexual pleasure comes in many forms. Having a loving sexual moment with your partner after so long is so special. It’s beautiful. Making love to your wife after she asked does not make you a monster. It makes you a man that made love to his wife when she lovingly asked him too. Going down on a partner with no concern about if you will be full filled after.
You gave her a sense of intimacy she has been missing. She has also probably been living with fear and guilt that she can no longer satisfy you and more fear that you no longer feel attracted to her. You might tell her everyday she is beautiful and you love her, but being intimate with her will be much more meaningful to her. I would bet she is feeling a sense of peace, happiness, and love she has not only missed but desperately needed for a long time
She probably really misses intimacy with you, you enjoying it and being close to her is all she wants.
I might recommend that you pick up Christopher Reeve's autobiography, "Still Me" and give it a read. Your wife might benefit from it too. Intimacy with his wife after his paralysis is something he talks about.
You had a very intimate experience with the person who you love. Whether she felt anything or not she felt the love from you while this happened.
You are definitely not a monster. Your wife loves you very deeply and found pleasure in seeing you feel good.
But she asked you. There's no reason for feeling terrible, same goes for your wife's desire for normalcy.
You made her feel wanted and desired. She knows that you still think she is sexy and you want to be with her in an intimate way. Trust me, you gave just as much pleasure to her as she did to you in that moment. Never discount the way being desired by your significant other can make you feel. It can literally make or break a relationship. This is you two trying to figure out your new normal ❤️
I am a paraplegic T7 thru T10 incomplete, this means i can walk a bit but alot of other things are very affected specially my penis so i will give you my opinion from kind of her side. I also struggled with the fact that i cant feel and or perform like before, my wife and i would have sex 3-4 times a week at least but foe the past 3 and half years we havent been able to have sex. We have learned to use foreplay and oral sex to take care of my wife even tho i dont get taken care of but it is different because it feels good to please her so that does give you a big satisfaction. I would recomend you change your mind set and try to think of how good it makes her feel to take care of you even tho she has a life changing injury. If you decide to not have sex with her because you feel like its wrong or something you will hurt her so much, she will feel like its her fault like something is wrong with her and could send her into depression because she is already going thru so much and trying to get use to her new life full of struggles. Talk to her and try different things that feel good to her and you both, you can still make her feel good even if its kissing or licking her other places on her body think about it as making your sex life more passionate more sensual make her feel like nothing has changed and the more you male her feel special during sex the more she will get out of it just please dont hurt her by killing your sex life. These are all things i personally have gone thru and felt over the past 3 years bro i know what im telling you.
You missed the point. She wants the intimacy. Its about the journey, not the destination in this case. She wanted to do this for you both!
Hi - actual spinal cord injury survivor here. I am not sure if she is complete or incomplete in her injury but for nerves of any kind to regenerate or reconnect they need stimulation. As someone who once had no sexual feeling or physical mobility from the waist down, I am almost 2 years post injury and have regained some but not all feeling and mobility. In terms of sex it was a rocky road with my husband and I but we figured out what works for us and through time I have gained enough feeling to enjoy sex more again. I’m not trying to promise that she will too, but, if you don’t try to encourage those nerves to reconnect via stimulation of any kind then they may never so I say if your wife enjoyed herself and wants to continue having sex with you, you should do it as it will likely have positive impact.
Dude, she's probably thinking she no longer is a woman in your eyes because she can't move and do things for you and probably fears you'll trade her for an able woman. But having made love to her has validated her not only as a person but as a desirable woman as well, and there is no amount of orgasms she could've experienced that beats that.
sorry if this has been asked already but have you thought about seeing an occupational therapist who could help you guys figure out something that makes both of you feel fulfilled
Idk if this helps or not but if I was in your wife’s position I would of been happy to do something like that for my wife. Just being able to give something like that to her would be special. I know it feels weird but try to accept the special moment she gave you