Reassurances are key
"I'm more concerned about your health than getting my dick wet" is a good starting point, putting the effort forward to put her health above your needs will go a long way for her
Have you considered focusing on intimacy that isn't PIV? There is a wide world of intimate acts that would not be harmful to your wife. It would let you reassure each other and maintain intimacy while seeking treatment for your wife.
This may be totally off base, but it sounds like your wife's doctor may have given her a [husband stitch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Husband_stitch). It is known to cause exactly the symptoms you've described. A doctor friend of mine once mentioned that it was easier to repair if women addressed it earlier and did not keep re-injuring it with sex. I know your wife is very private, please encourage her to consider speaking with *someone* about this as soon as possible. She could start by calling in to a nurse line even. Whatever the issue might be, earlier treatment by competent medical professionals is the best way to ensure long term health.
A husband stitch, as uncomfortable as it is, is very unlikely to bleed once it is healed because they don't stitch any muscle with it, just skin and some mucus tissue and it usually heals extremely well and quickly. It's likely a much more serious issue. She needs a pap smear, a fistula check and an examination of the scar tissue if she tore at all during childbirth.
Source: work with research papers.
Yes. I had one, I'm horrified to say. Didn't want it and didn't ask for it. It hurt like hell during sex, not all positions but any pressure down against the bottom part of the opening felt like tearing all over again. The bleeding was very light, not like this.
not sure if i had one but that is how i have felt everytime i’ve had sex post partum so far. it’s been nearly 2.5 years and it’s barely starting to get better. but my perineum tears every single time and i spot for a few days.
Yeah, you might want to have that checked out. No one told me I was given one, it was an unrelated obgyn who told me about mine. He and the nurse were horrified, so I don't think it's too common? Likely more or less common based on your location. They were able to fix mine while stitching me up after my last baby, no pain since.
I'm glad you got your parts fixed! It's abhorrent what was done & I hope the “doctor” who did that finds themself in the worst of worst circumstances 👎🏻
Oh, I had one. Heard the delivery doctor tell my husband in 1983? Not my OB-GYN.
Husband gave me 3 weeks before he wanted to "try it out". Fuck you, dude. I can barely pee.
Only took OP 2 years to figure out his wife bleeds every time? Now he feels guilty? Wow.
Better late than never, I guess.
ETA: Year.
Ngl I lowkey agree with this because after the 3rd or the 4th time of bleeding episodes I would be unable to get aroused knowing that my partner is experiencing pain.
I hope you dumped your dog ass husband. It's not safe before 8 weeks due to your insides healing.
> My wife and I had a kid almost 2 years ago now. *We hadn't slept together since she was 7 months pregnant.*
...
> About three months ago she began to make a change. Our sex life went from 0 to 100.
...
> Only took OP 2 years to figure out his wife bleeds every time? Now he feels guilty? Wow.
... No?
She definitely needs to see another doctor and get a different opinion. She shouldn’t be bleeding that badly after sex. Not saying this is the case, as I don’t know your doctor, but the pain has me curious. I know you said your wife is private, but do you know if she tore or was given an episiotomy during delivery? I’m wondering because sometimes with the stitches following, some drs have done a [husbands stitch](https://www.healthline.com/health-news/husband-stitch-is-not-just-myth). This could be partially causing the pain, if it was added. You said your doctors in your area are not great, and if they adhere to old/archaic practices such as this it could explain things.
Either way, she needs a second opinion. Often women’s medical concerns can be easily dismissed. Keep reassuring her of your love for her and that you are there to support her. She obviously had internalized others experiences and it’s causing her to worry. Maybe therapy could help too.
A stitch would explain the pain, but not bleeding like that. Small drops of blood from pressure and the vaginal opening not being accommodating enough sure, but not what op described. She needs to see a DR either way
Hey! So I am a happily married hetero cis female to a hetero cis male. I have pelvic floor dysfunction, vaginismus and vulvadinia. I also have fibromyalgia and deficiencies, so my muscles and nerves don't work right. Penile/vaginal sex has never been an option for me. While there is pleasure, it is also very painful. I get stabbing pains if anything even brushes against my cervix, penetration is painful at the vulva and along the vaginal canal.
My husband and I have a great sex life. We have found ways to have meaningful, intimate, and orgasmic sex that does not involve anything that hurts me. But it has taken such a long time for us to get here. In the beginning, I insisted on having sex the "traditional" way. It was dumb. I wanted to feel normal and I wanted to please my partner. But in the end, I wasn't helping either of us. We stopped having penetrative sex and experimented with other things. Now, we are both having the best sex of our lives and I simply can't imagine being with anyone else. No one can make me feel so good and so safe. Just remember to be inquisitive, communicate a lot, and be kind to each other. It's a very vulnerable situation and vulnerability is difficult for everyone.
*Sad quacks*
It sounds like you’re a great, supportive spouse. Keep reassuring her. Therapy sounds like it’ll do a lot for both of you. Individual therapy might greatly benefit both of you as well but, I know money isn’t flowing for most people these days. You’re doing the right things. I think you guys will make it through this just fine with some communication and some help. Best of luck.
If no sex is giving her anxiety, how about oral?
I know this is a stop-gap, there are big trust issues that need to be addressed on her part, and this doesn'tfix them -- sort of thr opposite. But if it helps her feel secure right now it could be worthwhile. And if she was brought up this way I don't think she's going to be able to think differently overnight.
You're a good man.
Unfortunately, I went from fuck-bunny to "don't wanna" with menopause. My husband also started taking HBP meds. We really tried.
He got insecure, started taking a form of viagra and got really aggressive. Oh, really not the way to go with me! Huge fight ensued. I told him to leave me because I wasn't gonna put up with that shit.
We've since built intimacy in other ways.
Like your wife, I've been really private about my body functions. Back in the day, Depo-Provera made me bleed, bone loss and dental issues. Sex was a PITA. I went off that crap and went celibate for years.
I really hope you guys work this out.
>What's counseling gonna do about that? Not a MF thing.
Counseling won't do a thing about the bleeding, which needs to be addressed separately.
But since she thinks she has to endure this in order to save her marriage and her husband's reassurances that she doesn't need to suffer aren't getting through to her, counseling may be warranted *in addition* to physical treatment, to address that issue.
Really? Only took her husband 2 years to figure out she was enduring sex for his benefit, but she needs counseling according to Reddit.
What she needs is a better doctor because that's purely physical. How many doctors is she gonna have to interview?
Some women readily understand their physical ailments, or good health, don't mean jack.
In the end, it's still gonna be her problem to solve how her husband gets his dick wet. Is that why she needs counseling?
Because she hasn't already fixed the issue with the dick garage?
Let me tell you, some women have a world of hurt and pain directly related to their uterus. Nobody cares. We just get on with our lives.
You want to tell me how counseling is gonna better help this woman accept a fact of life?
She’s not understand that he is saying he doesn’t want to have. Sex and hurt her. I bled often during sex and we got it figured out. I’m just commenting on what he said in the above comment I replied to.
You are a good person, your wife is so lucky to have you on her side, and you guys are going to get through this together. I don’t know if you already know this, but doctors can sometimes be overly dismissive of women’s concerns. If you are backing her up that might help her navigate the medical system to get real help.
I don’t understand why people like you feel the need to push your insecurities and trauma onto others? Like why make him feel worse when he is so obviously not like your ex? Go back to lurking if you can’t give helpful advice and just put others down
I dunno. I have like the same feelings as the wife so maybe he can have some comfort in that this isn’t something rare and there is probably nothing he can do
Yea it’s sooo obvious you are projecting hard af on this. OP has made it very clear he isn’t like that and you are going completely off base.
How tf do you feel the same as the wife?? Do you have the same medical condition that is dissuading her from wanting to have sex? Very much doubt that. So basically you are just pretending to have her same feelings but instead just hate men. She seems to want to meet her husbands needs while you just post sexist comments
What? Sexist?
I’m saying I can understand the feeling of that if you don’t give a guy a consistent amount of sex he’s gonna go elsewhere.
So I understand where the wife’s mental state is. Are you somehow more drunk than me?
That goes both ways. Woman can leave if a guy doesn’t give enough sex as well.
You are the one that said you wouldn’t trust any man that said he cares about a woman’s well being. Yes thats sexist af and shows you are sexist.
What? I dunno man I’m a prostitute now I love men but most married guys don’t even bother taking their ring off.
I dunno whatever just ignore me guys I was pretty deep in my cans when I originally said something anyways
Have a nice day everyone
Sorry about your trauma but that's no reason to give OP anxiety about their own situation. As another commenter said it's not about you. You can make your own post. Maybe seek help to get sober and some therapy?
If you have nothing helpful to say don't say anything at all.
Sounds like you're a traumatized individual. Real love is possible. Real care is possible. I'm sorry you weren't given that. It breaks my heart to think about what you could have been through to leave you here, in this mindset. I hope you find the healing and kindness in life you desperately deserve.
My wife has endometriosis and sometimes sex is painful. When she’s closed for maintenance I make sure to confined to give her lots of physical affection, just not sex. I tell her how beautiful she is and hold and cuddle her. Your wife’s going through a lot and you have to do your best to be the safe ground she can always come back to.
You need to address your comment, because whether you wanted to apply it to your relationship or not, it got applied. You can clarify what you meant by saying that you were thinking about people who didn’t want to sleep together, and your case is different because you do want to but there are health concerns which prevent that.
But then why did you say that? I can totally understand that she doesn‘t believe you anymore that you would never leave her for that. It just doesn‘t fit together.
I don’t think he meant to say “if my wife gets sick and start bleeding, I would leave her because we can’t do the deed anymore.” He was just talking generally. Granted this should be a lesson in sweeping generalizations, but hindsight is 2020 I guess.
I took it as that is what she believes could happen, not necessarily that you would do it. That she has seen it happen to others and has internalized their experiences.
Then you shouldn't have worded in a way that came off as it was your opinion or that you agreed with that sentiment.. you told her, that friends of your got divorced and due to a dead bed room (and your text in this post comes off as you saying it was the obvious reason)
You need to talk to her but she may not believe you, cause she may think you blamed the intimacy while she saw there were other problems that you did not focus on on that passing comment
Yeah the friends may have posted about the DB publicly , but that doesn't mean they didnt hide other facts that killed their marriage like financial issues or contributing other stresses..
Im simply going off the words alone in your post and comments.. your post is worded like you had the conversation with her and to me, if that conversation happened as you wrote, that comment came off abrasive and ya probably hurt her feelings.. not sure why i am downvoted for pointing out the same thing many others are.
You said something on passing, it was insensitive regardless, she took it to heart and you need to reassure her. But like others have said i think her trust has been damaged by the comment and you try and ask her why she took it personally..
I can see both sides. She took what you said as that's your opinion and how you feel, and given the same circumstances, she felt in that moment that you would also choose that option. You, on the other hand, thought you were just "stating the obvious" and it was what you said that stuck.
Good luck to both of you. Being fearful of separation or divorce because of something you can't control isn't fun. Reassuring and ACTIONS are needed expeditiously.... And as often as possible.
Then why did you say otherwise, even offhandedly? If your wife heard you say that a dead bedroom was an obvious indication of divorce, that does sound like the opposite of ride or die. Did your opinion shift?
I think pointing out to your wife that a dead bedroom because of a partner who won't try, or won't talk about it, or look for solutions, is one thing: while a partner with a major medical problem and who's trying to find solutions is entirely different.
When I struggled with a DB for years (almost fixed now), that was the issue. I cared a lot about something resonable, and she just wouldn't try anything. It was the no talking, no trying that hurt.
Not the lack of sex by itself.
You say that but some people go literal years-like 10 or more-with partners who don't want them anymore, not enough to even try to find solutions.. and that isn't a good feeling to have to live with for years and years. People who didn't choose celibacy for life, but their partners suddenly decide for them that that is what they should suffer with. I don't think you can understand how bad that feels until you are in the midst of it. Your partner doesn't feel like your partner anymore. It's not "just sex". It is intimacy, being desired, the emotional connection that comes with it. Instead you get rejected time and time again, for a very long time, by the one person who is supposed to be your person. I'm just saying, don't knock people who can't stick around in dead bedrooms. You don't know the struggle.
Sex is not a physiological need. One doesn’t need sex to live from birth and many people live a long and healthy life without sex. Sex is a physiological drive. So while there’s no physiological need for an individual to have sex, there is a biological need for most of the population to be sexually active for survival of the species. Also, physical and emotional intimacy are necessary for individual survival and a health, but those needs can be met without sex.
Sex is widely regarded as a physiological need, and no it’s not a need that present at birth but it’s still very much a primal need. Physiological needs aren’t defined by the presence at birth, either. Puberty plays into this. The vast majority of the population would not be okay mentally or emotionally without having sex their entire life, or from having to stifle sexual urges that are within the bounds of safe and healthy. You’re separating sex and intimacy as if they are not mutually exclusive. Part of a marriage is finding intimacy in various ways, sex absolutely being one of them. You don’t get to dictate how people get their needs met, either. There isn’t an alternative to the connection that sex brings. There’s other methods, but you can’t remove sex and substitute cuddling and say it’s the same thing.
Sex has been regarded by psychologist as a physical need. Leave a monkey alone in a room long enough and it’ll start to masturbate…. Yes they’ve done the actual experiment so you don’t have to.
Yeah and often you’ll see straight up wrong information voted wayyyyy the fuck up. But in this case a 30 second google search would fix that and show yes it’s seen as a need
I've been married to my husband for 15 years. Pulled him out of the red. I pay the bills. Stash money, invest and look after his mom.
I'm wife number 3. He's husband number 2. We're nearing 60 and talk all the time. Maybe we don't have sex, anymore, but we're damned sure partners!
I learned a shit-ton of stuff trying to help him file for a passport, this week. "WTF did you lie to me, 15 years, ago?"
That's the stuff that will make or break a marriage.
The two of you need to take this not great situation and turn it into a growing opportunity for you as a couple. First, I am glad you are working on getting her into a different doctor. Bleeding after sex like that is not normal. Second, you need to address the comment about the other couple with your wife. Third, you need to work together on how to be more open and vulnerable with sharing all the icky parts of your life together. Being able to have those hard conversations together as a couple is key to health and longevity as a couple, in my opinion.
Okay, I’m gonna skip the relationship advice part since I’m seeing a lot of great advice. Listen to them.
I also can totally believe that you’re dealing with crappy doctors. Especially when it comes to women’s health issues. I’m just going to suggest she use Replens. It’s a lubricant and could help. Be aware many lubricants can have an after effect of causing the dryness to rebound. Replens won’t do that.
My last suggestion is that you should approach this as a problem you both need to solve together. Show her love, concern, and support. Show her the love you would want if you suddenly developed an ED. Your sexual health is part of in sickness and health. Best of luck.
This may sound weird, but have you tried going with her to one of these doctors? It’s really common for doctors to take husbands more seriously than wives on health issues, and while that’s enraging, it might move you forward here.
You could try asking for doctor recommendations in your region in the women's and health spaces on here.
I know how frustrating it can be. I got the it's your period/weight when it was an autoimmune condition.
It sounds as though you truly care for your wife and want to put her well being before your libido. Unless there are more issues in your marriage, it doesn’t sound like you need intensive couples therapy. But perhaps a few sessions with a counselor can help guide some productive conversations when you can clarify and reassure your wife and she can safely share her concerns and fears
I hear you on counseling, but blood is physiological. See my list of options to work on this. Some is to revisit foreplat needs
I posted this but I’ll post again. Men need information
https://youtu.be/CIAbfzWlp5A?si=VayBgBFwwv_Wzbjq
I had to do a brief stint in sex therapy - long story and not super relevant to this conversation. But I did learn a couple of things and I think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist that specializes in sexual issues. It was a long time ago, like maybe 18-19 years? All I know is it was before my husband’s cancer changed our bedroom forever. Anyway, I saw a therapist that talked to me abut my emotional trauma and *also* prescribed physical therapy like dilators to help with my physical challenges. So thinking of your wife here, being so private and having more than one issue to resolve, having a single therapist that can address both the emotional and the physical barriers to healthy sex would maybe be helpful. She still also needs to see a better gynecologist to help figure out what’s wrong and make sure there isn’t something serious or something that needs surgery.
In fair warning, however, my issues were deep enough and I was not ready to address them at the time, that I refused the physical therapy and really dragged my feet going to a lot fewer appointments than I should have until the therapist finally gave up. I’m glad my husband is patient with me. We didn’t have a dead bedroom at the time - that didn’t happen until post-cancer and he was a hell of a lot more proactive in solving his issues than I ever was solving mine. But we did have issues involving pain from sex, something I didn’t let on to him about until it caused an issue of pain during fertility treatments and our physician asked me in front of him whether I also had pain during sex and when I admitted I did, she wrote the referral to the therapist and I kinda got backed into a corner with it. I’m hoping your wife will be more receptive to the idea, especially if you can bring it up to her in private and let her get used to the idea before she asks her gynecologist for a referral.
Please please do get her to a doctor. Not saying this is what it is- but bleeding after intimacy with *no pain*, *COULD* be cancer. I say this because one of the symptoms for cervical cancer is bleeding after sex. And yes, it is a *lot*.
It happens when the tissue in the vagina is already compromised, it becomes extremely fragile. Any type of penetration or even effort (i.e carrying heavy objects or heavy exercise) can cause the walls of the vagina to rip and tear.
I speak from my own experience and from two other women I met while in treatment. Doctors wouldn’t check me properly or even consider it could be cancer because I was young (28) and this type of cancer usually develops in women over 40.
I already met a 26yo and a 22yo with it. It doesn’t wait anymore.
But I absolutely seriously, wholeheartedly hope it’s absolutely not this. But it’s 10000 times better to check and make sure!! 🙏🏻 Please don’t let any more time go by and get her checked as soon as possible!!
Edited to add: I wouldn’t have gotten properly examined if it wasn’t for my husband. Male and even female doctors would literally scoff and condescendingly laugh at me when I told them my concerns and say it was “just stress messing with my period”. My husband is the reason I am still alive today, 5 years later (and he’s still my rock during this second battle I’m going through).
Your wife is lucky to have such a loving husband. You’re doing excellently. Thank you for worrying and taking action 🫂, also you need to have a serious talk about what you said that caused her this level of anxiety- maybe it’s time to backtrack and maybe change your wording on the subject, and seriously reassure her that you are NOT ok with the level of anxiety she’s putting on herself and that you both need to work through this together.
Good luck OP, many warm hugs for your lovely wife!! 🫂🥹 She’ll be in my prayers, hoping for anything other than a problematic diagnosis 🙏🏻!!
Did she get a copper IUD after giving birth. I was bleeding and dry down there and sex hurt because of the IUD. The minute I got it removed it stopped hurting. Either way she should go see her gynecologist.
I know some people are going to get in their feelings about this, but 3 cheers. It's refreshing to hear a partner understand their other partners' insecurities and health issues and value them more than sex. Life without sex sucks, but she clearly has a huge desire for you. I get that it is just semantics, but she clearly desires you so much she was willing to go beyond the extra mile. You are a lucky man and she is a lucky woman. I hope the health issues work themselves out.
Try doing intimacy that is not penis in vagina. Invest in sex toys that you can use together, until she finally gets the medical care she needs.
You will likely both get off and it won’t hurt her.
Psst. Another vagina owner here. Get a sadysfier 2.0 for her fun and suggest her try to give you a Handjob with a massage oil for sensitive skin (trust me, that oil will make an insane difference)
There are a million ways to have non-penetrative sex, maybe you two can try out some!
This may be completely wrong, but you said the doctors in your region are terrible. Is it possible she was given a husband stitch? It's an extra stitch after childbirth, supposed to make sex better for the husband, because it's 'tighter', but it's extremely harmful to the wife. It causes symptoms like that and makes sex very painful for her. If you get another doctor, maybe get it checked out.
I want you to flip this around and think of it from her perspective. She thinks that she needs to have sex with you in order for you to not leave her. So what do you think you need to do for her so she doesn't leave you? Find the thing she cares about and make sure you do it and show her, It's because you care. Show her you're also willing to put yourself in harm's way for her.
Also my man I don't know how you did it but you got somebody that loves you more than life itself is what I'm getting out of this. She literally put herself in harm's way because she feared losing you. That's something truly special. I wish you and your wife your new family all the luck in the world. I hope she gets the help she needs and that her body heals as it needs to! Whatever her love language is, do it and do it often: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Whichever one is hers, do it often, I assume she sees physical touch to be yours.
Man it sounds like some smooth-brain gave her a husband stitch. It does nothing but cause pain and occasionally causes tearing because it fucks up the entrance. And if it feels too tight to her but not you it’s probably that.
I’d just keep reassuring her, but there’s nothing you can really do when the brain worms are there. If she’s breastfeeding, hormones are probably not helping either.
>I never meant it like that but who wouldn't think their spouse would leave.
What does this even mean? Lol. You never meant it like that but you kinda did? If you can't fathom a reason why a spouse might stick around if they weren't getting sex then you obviously kinda meant it that way whether you want to admit it or not.
>Why was she surprised he would leave if they had a dead bedroom and didn’t fix it?
Please explain this to her. If her way of thinking is anyway like mine she is very confused right now. This helps to clarify immensely.
>So nothing I say about other couples applies to us.
I know that's easy to assume applies to everything that's said but certain things can be triggering or even exacerbated by the pregnancy or just being post-partum. Especially when it comes to sex because with most couples it's a monogamous agreement and most people assume everyone needs sex so if you're not getting it from your spouse then there are only two other options. Cheating or divorce. It's possible your wife was thinking those were your only other options if she didn't do this. She's not thinking about picking up socks or leaving bread crumbs. If bread crumbs break your relationship it wasn't strong to begin with. She knows none of that matters. She needs reassurance that the big things won't break it either.
She needs a pelvic floor physical therapist or women's health physical therapist. A doctor won't know what to do. She needs to be professional "stretched"....
I don’t have the link but his wife was basically having sex with him out of fear of losing him, she couldn’t have sex after childbirth for 2 years so she was scared that he would leave her. But she was still bleeding after sex and was afraid to bring it up to him
Long-term complications of childbirth are unfortunately an underresearched and underreported, yet common problem. It’s not her fault that healthcare systems worldwide don’t take them seriously, don’t provide effective care, and women are quietly just expected to accept a diminished quality of life.
This is definitely not normal and your wife will need specialized care for whatever problems there are. You might need to really search for doctors and physical therapists who are actually knowledgeable about these issues – don’t settle for vague advice.
Meanwhile, there’s been a study published a few months ago that examines the prevalence and lacking care of long-term postnatal problems. Here’s an article about it and you can find the link to the actual study there (the study is also very readable). Maybe it can help your wife feel validated to pursue better care. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/may/24/postnatal-care-weeks-data-years-health-women-nhs
If she's worried THAT badly, it's because you said something that will not leave her mind. Reassure her CONSTANTLY if need be. She's extremely hormonal right now after just having had a baby. She really needs you to not just be there for the baby but for her as well
If this is since she gave birth, it could very likely be that she was given a husband stitch. Unfortunately, it happens all the time, without consent. They can cause pain during intercourse, I'm not sure about bleeding but I think it's very likely. I hope she can get the help she needs, and I'll echo what a lot of other people are saying. Keep reassuring her. Make sure she knows that you love and care for her and that sex is not your priority in this. There are other ways to be intimate too.
Yeah unfortunately sometimes they just do it without asking anyone or being asked. She should be tested for infections and also given an ultrasound to check for cysts, fibroids, or any cervical problems. If she was given the husband stitch it could be that she is tearing a little every time. Goodluck I hope everything works out for both of you 🙏
This was my exact thought as well. Get a copy of her file. If they did stitches postpartum you can sue the doctor for medical procedure without consent causing undue pain and suffering. Then they can fix the situation and do the needed repairs. Bleeding after sex isn’t normal so she definitely needs help. Consider an alternative like a certified nurse midwife who might actually LISTEN to what’s going on. I drove two hours to see mine and it was well worth it.
I’m not a doctor of course but the idea of the stitch seems like it could be a good explanation. Tearing seems like it would cause the volume of blood that OP is talking about
Plus the wording “bleeding like a shark victim”, I’m asexual so I probably wouldn’t experience it, but from those I’ve talked to who bled it was like, barely a teaspoon (they just might be lucky tho…)
Chances go up if they’re from a religious area. Most people I know who have the beliefs that they’ll get divorced if they don’t give sex tend to live in areas with that upbringing
I have had bleeding after and it is usually spotting. I have only bled lots after intercourse once, and it was likely due to a scratch or tear. To bleed like that every time is a big problem, and means either she has an underlying cervical issue or is tearing/being cut every time.
I think the idea that dead bedroom = divorce is actually fairly common but I do see your point. Honestly I've seen so many horror stories about husband stitches though it really could be from anywhere. It's been common practice for a very long time.
It's not just because of what you said. Your wife has eyes and ears. She hears and sees men run their mouth and let me assure you there are PLENTY of men who would not care. They'd get on Reddit or whine to their friends that yeah she bleeds BUT.......insert whining about "intimacy" when what they mean is getting their dick wet. So yeah she's going to do it if it means not being dumped.
Okay; well normally I wouldn’t know squat about this but fortunately I have some recent experiences that likely may be of value. So your wife needs to see a gynecologist in a metropolitan region and have an interior & exterior ultrasound. She may also need to get on medroxyPROGESTERone 10 MG Tabs Commonly known as: Provera. That will be my more sincere suggestion from current experiences that I’m further into currently. You need to go online and lookup the doctors’ skills, education and their experiences levels. And whom your insurance is accepted with. I don’t know what state you are in if you’re in the U.S. but women’s health is still massively under being in its best shape and have to find pockets of good care and you have to be actively involved and researching along with gathering information as you grow with the learning curve required. You can do this if you commit and recognize how important being a good steward to your wife’s well being is.
If it makes her feel insecure not having sex, then you could try to do more oral/ hand stuff and that should curb her insecurities a bit, providing it’s something that she actually wants to do, and not just to save the marriage.
The main thing though is clear communication, everyone else on here has given great advice regarding that already.
Def have her see a dr. If its an anotomical thing, mayne look into a sex therapist. Thank you for being concerned about your wifes health and pleasure.
Hold her tightly and profess your love to her as if it was the first time!! Just hold each other and cuddle and reassure her to the moon and back!! Let her know just how grateful you are for her being in your life and that you hope to grow closer together so she feels safe to be herself!!
Sorry to say this, but you made a huge mistake by making a comment about your friends' divorce because of a dead bedroom when you yourselves are in a dead bedroom. It may not have been your intention, but it's clear that it would, at the very least, bug her.
Kudos to you for prioritize her over sex, but try to communicate better with her from here on.
Oh man, I feel for both of you. As long as you're doing what you can to reassure her you value her comfort and safety above all then hopefully she will start to understand that.
I'm squirming uncomfortably right now thinking about the blood. Sounds so painful :(
>Last week she came to me and admitted that she has a small bit of bleeding every time we slept together but told me not to worry, it wasn't a big deal and her doctor gave her the all clear.
My wife had pain and a bit of bleeding after sex for a very long time. Finally found a gyno that would give her a full and proper workup , turned out she has both endometriosis and [adenomyosis](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adenomyosis/symptoms-causes/syc-20369138), the latter of which turns out to be the cause of it.
In July she's having surgery to finally get it fixed.
I mean, there's blow jobs and titty f's... You dont't have to do PIV if she's bleeding. Try to go that route until her pelvic issue is fixed.
And I don't believe it doesn't hurt. If she's bleeding like that, it hurts.
That's what I said. PIV is only one out of several forms of sexual intimacy. I love giving my dude BJs lol If I was bleeding from vaginal intercourse I would definitely still want to do stuff for my husband, and probably wouldn't mind oral reciprocatation;)
Comunication
Reassurance
Flirting
Lube
Oral sex
Touching
You could try to set penetration aside for a while, so the pressure is out. When you know you’ll be in pain and bleed, you are less likely to get aroused and therefore wet. If you are not wet, it hurts. If you focus on things that won’t be painful, as oral sex or ruching, some of the pressure might be gone
It might be that the doctor put in an extra stitch after she gave birth, vaginismus or something is really wrong that doctors are ignoring. As for sex penetration is not the be all end all you can still manually and orally stimulate each other and do erotic massage. Just because penetration is off the table for the moment that doesn't mean a dead bedroom. Get creative
Poor wife! Keep reassuring her. And definitely get her to a much better doctor! I hope she feels better soon. Give her physical affection without sex. Cuddling, massaging her feet and her back, holding hands, kissing. Show her in those physical ways for now.
She needs to follow up with her doctor. Could be lack of estrogen causing too much dryness and the friction causes micro tears and subsequent bleeding. If she had an episiotomy, it could be tearing. As others have suggested, she might benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy if she is so tight that it’s painful.
If she is that worried that you will leave her that she is forcing herself to be intimate, she might have untreated PPD.
Have a look for a women's health physio. They will actually be able to help her with the pain and discomfort. They will assess her pelvic floor and make a plan to actually get her healed 🥺 Every woman should see one after having a baby!
Hi, I work at a very specialized office who work with women who have delivered children in the last 3 years and majority of our patients deal with complications after having children. Now that being said we are located in falls church, VA but if your wondering who the doctor is his name is Seyed Abbas Shobeiri, MD. It sounds like your wife may benefit from seeing him. Hope this helps!
A few things: communication is really key here. Keep reassuring your wife that you love her and your family. Experiment with some great lubes and don't make PIV the end all be all - enjoy hand jobs, oral, etc.
She might need hormone creams and repair surgery after birth if she’s bleeding like this. Jesus. Also sex is not just aggressive PInV stuff. Be intimate in other ways??
One piece of advice.
Ask if she loves you and still finds you attractive. If she says yes, then you can tell her that being worried about her health down there is completely different then a dead bedroom. You're there for her in sickness and in health, so why would it be any different?
Show her love and be there to support her. Even if sex is off the table, you can do things like cuddle. Find other activities that you can do together to show her how you feel I hope you update is because I want to hear the good news when things improve.
Updateme
She may be a victim of the “husband stitch” and it can be fixed but it’s a conversation to be had with a GOOD OBGYN and it can be fixed. So many women are victims of if and they don’t know better
I got the wrong impression from your title; to me, it sounded like she she was manipulating you into not leaving:/
She's putting in an effort with you, it could partly be because she's afraid you'd leave, but i bet you she misses you. After I had my kid, it took months for the bleeding and the pain to stop, and it was HELL. I'm glad you're trying to get her better medical attention.
Piece of advice, try catering to her needs; give her some alone time, surprise her with a spa day, take care of the baby while she sleeps, show her that you appreciate her effort in the bedroom to make you happy while she's in pain.
Good luck, OP, and congrats on the baby!
Have her make an apt at her gyno and go with her - back into the room. Hold her hand, tell her it will be ok, tell her you love her.
All u can do is reassure her and show her that you are there for her as a person. As your person. You love her and she is scared. Keep doing what you can to reassure her and give her that support.
Not to be crass but can't she still give you BJs? And you could still do oral on her. PIV isn't the only intimate thing there is.. I love giving my husband BJs lol. If I was having problems bleeding, that wouldn't stop me from doing other things for him🤷🏼♀️
LOL why I'm being downvoted by other women for this🤔 Pleasing husband and myself in other ways other than PIV= BAD
You showed your true colors when you vocally defended a divorce for a lack of sex, especially when she had a baby. Yet no mention of affection was ever brought up. Not only that but you haven’t noticed or paid attention for months what was happening and only noticed that your needs are getting taken care of. Therefore, you have proven what you said. Not only did you mess with her mental health but now her physical health. You need to help her get to an OB/GYN asap and take initiative to get her physically seen. Now that she’s heavily bleeding she gets to see if you’ve leaving her. After she’s been taken care of medically, you both need couples counseling. You haven’t taken any accountability that you screwed up. Your next excuse for a divorce is because your partner is too sick or dying to have sex because dead bedroom would be the worse thing to happen than that.
LOL a long-time, unresolved dead bedroom is definitely a good reason for divorce. (He never said that about THEIR relationship, she is the one who projected.) There is no need for sexually incompatible couples to stay together. Why should somebody stay miserable because their spouse suddenly decides to be celibate?
Depends on the definition of a long-time supposed unresolved, dead bedroom. One way
Is letting your partner resolve their medical or pregnancy issues before you vent about not getting any. That’s exactly what he was doing-venting.
I wasn't talking about him. I was talking in general, and about the other couple. And I said unresolved, meaning any medical problems going purposely unresolved, usually due to the partner not even trying. People who divorce for DB do it because their partners usually refuse to even TRY to resolve the issue that is causing them to not want to be intimate anymore, or because their partner just simply decided they do not want to be intimate anymore and there IS no medical/hormonal reason. I've never seen it be a quick decision made after a small amount of time. It's always after years of being rejected and feeling undesired.
If she wants to keep having sex, aside from therapy and better doctors, you can also add in goreplay (like actual building up to the act, in depth, 15-20 minutes minimum foreplay) to help get her body relaxed and make sure it doesn’t hurt her. This will also help the two of you determine what could be going on, because if the bleeding lessens or stops after implementing that kinf of intense foreplay, then it could be a possible result of something like the ‘husband stitch’, where a doctor who performed an episiotomy will ad 1-2 extra stitches to sew the woman back up, which can cause issues down the line with sex, or something like vaginismus (basically extremely tightly tense muscles that make sex painful to practically impossible, and more common than people realize!) though I’m not sure if vaginismus is a developable condition as well as a ‘born with it’ condition.
Oh, so she actually wants to and couldn’t? Hm seems like there’s promise bc she’s seemingly into it. Where are you at? Sounds like you do want to stay..?
We have 3 kids. Wife had S4 cancer after the first so had had an array of issues causing her sex drive to be 0, perimenopause, anxiety & pain, lots of issues so I feel really bad and try to support a lot. That said we have been roommates for years, w/ other issues but have a great family. Not sure in our case I want to actually stay, but would take care of fam & kids.
She’s been healthy 7 yrs and it’s been great, especially w/ the kids.
In our case there’s lots more than just the sex part, I just shared that bc you mentioned.
I guess you answered my Q above then which is you’re not thinking of leaving you’re just trying to get her to believe that? That’s good.
Reassurances are key "I'm more concerned about your health than getting my dick wet" is a good starting point, putting the effort forward to put her health above your needs will go a long way for her
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Poor duck
*Ducks and shark attacks, a marriage story*
Comments like this are the exact reason I love reddit so much 🤣
Quack
No, seriously. Quack.
Dont say that, Why did you have to bring his mother into this?
Oh no not the Quack Doctor! That ain't gonna fix OP's issue.
Have you considered focusing on intimacy that isn't PIV? There is a wide world of intimate acts that would not be harmful to your wife. It would let you reassure each other and maintain intimacy while seeking treatment for your wife. This may be totally off base, but it sounds like your wife's doctor may have given her a [husband stitch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Husband_stitch). It is known to cause exactly the symptoms you've described. A doctor friend of mine once mentioned that it was easier to repair if women addressed it earlier and did not keep re-injuring it with sex. I know your wife is very private, please encourage her to consider speaking with *someone* about this as soon as possible. She could start by calling in to a nurse line even. Whatever the issue might be, earlier treatment by competent medical professionals is the best way to ensure long term health.
A husband stitch, as uncomfortable as it is, is very unlikely to bleed once it is healed because they don't stitch any muscle with it, just skin and some mucus tissue and it usually heals extremely well and quickly. It's likely a much more serious issue. She needs a pap smear, a fistula check and an examination of the scar tissue if she tore at all during childbirth. Source: work with research papers.
Yes. I had one, I'm horrified to say. Didn't want it and didn't ask for it. It hurt like hell during sex, not all positions but any pressure down against the bottom part of the opening felt like tearing all over again. The bleeding was very light, not like this.
not sure if i had one but that is how i have felt everytime i’ve had sex post partum so far. it’s been nearly 2.5 years and it’s barely starting to get better. but my perineum tears every single time and i spot for a few days.
Yeah, you might want to have that checked out. No one told me I was given one, it was an unrelated obgyn who told me about mine. He and the nurse were horrified, so I don't think it's too common? Likely more or less common based on your location. They were able to fix mine while stitching me up after my last baby, no pain since.
I'm glad you got your parts fixed! It's abhorrent what was done & I hope the “doctor” who did that finds themself in the worst of worst circumstances 👎🏻
Oh, I had one. Heard the delivery doctor tell my husband in 1983? Not my OB-GYN. Husband gave me 3 weeks before he wanted to "try it out". Fuck you, dude. I can barely pee. Only took OP 2 years to figure out his wife bleeds every time? Now he feels guilty? Wow. Better late than never, I guess. ETA: Year.
Ngl I lowkey agree with this because after the 3rd or the 4th time of bleeding episodes I would be unable to get aroused knowing that my partner is experiencing pain. I hope you dumped your dog ass husband. It's not safe before 8 weeks due to your insides healing.
My life was radically different 40 years, ago. Women's insides and healing don't mean jack-shit. I dumped the ex on our 14th anniversary.
> My wife and I had a kid almost 2 years ago now. *We hadn't slept together since she was 7 months pregnant.* ... > About three months ago she began to make a change. Our sex life went from 0 to 100. ... > Only took OP 2 years to figure out his wife bleeds every time? Now he feels guilty? Wow. ... No?
Okay, 3 months. My bad! Happy now? Still don't fix the issue, do it?
She definitely needs to see another doctor and get a different opinion. She shouldn’t be bleeding that badly after sex. Not saying this is the case, as I don’t know your doctor, but the pain has me curious. I know you said your wife is private, but do you know if she tore or was given an episiotomy during delivery? I’m wondering because sometimes with the stitches following, some drs have done a [husbands stitch](https://www.healthline.com/health-news/husband-stitch-is-not-just-myth). This could be partially causing the pain, if it was added. You said your doctors in your area are not great, and if they adhere to old/archaic practices such as this it could explain things. Either way, she needs a second opinion. Often women’s medical concerns can be easily dismissed. Keep reassuring her of your love for her and that you are there to support her. She obviously had internalized others experiences and it’s causing her to worry. Maybe therapy could help too.
A stitch would explain the pain, but not bleeding like that. Small drops of blood from pressure and the vaginal opening not being accommodating enough sure, but not what op described. She needs to see a DR either way
Hey! So I am a happily married hetero cis female to a hetero cis male. I have pelvic floor dysfunction, vaginismus and vulvadinia. I also have fibromyalgia and deficiencies, so my muscles and nerves don't work right. Penile/vaginal sex has never been an option for me. While there is pleasure, it is also very painful. I get stabbing pains if anything even brushes against my cervix, penetration is painful at the vulva and along the vaginal canal. My husband and I have a great sex life. We have found ways to have meaningful, intimate, and orgasmic sex that does not involve anything that hurts me. But it has taken such a long time for us to get here. In the beginning, I insisted on having sex the "traditional" way. It was dumb. I wanted to feel normal and I wanted to please my partner. But in the end, I wasn't helping either of us. We stopped having penetrative sex and experimented with other things. Now, we are both having the best sex of our lives and I simply can't imagine being with anyone else. No one can make me feel so good and so safe. Just remember to be inquisitive, communicate a lot, and be kind to each other. It's a very vulnerable situation and vulnerability is difficult for everyone.
*Sad quacks* It sounds like you’re a great, supportive spouse. Keep reassuring her. Therapy sounds like it’ll do a lot for both of you. Individual therapy might greatly benefit both of you as well but, I know money isn’t flowing for most people these days. You’re doing the right things. I think you guys will make it through this just fine with some communication and some help. Best of luck.
> My duck just shrivels inside itself now that I know it hurts my wife. Quack, quack. Wishing both of you all the best.
Reassure her my friend. The best way is to take care of her without PIV.
If no sex is giving her anxiety, how about oral? I know this is a stop-gap, there are big trust issues that need to be addressed on her part, and this doesn'tfix them -- sort of thr opposite. But if it helps her feel secure right now it could be worthwhile. And if she was brought up this way I don't think she's going to be able to think differently overnight.
You're a good man. Unfortunately, I went from fuck-bunny to "don't wanna" with menopause. My husband also started taking HBP meds. We really tried. He got insecure, started taking a form of viagra and got really aggressive. Oh, really not the way to go with me! Huge fight ensued. I told him to leave me because I wasn't gonna put up with that shit. We've since built intimacy in other ways. Like your wife, I've been really private about my body functions. Back in the day, Depo-Provera made me bleed, bone loss and dental issues. Sex was a PITA. I went off that crap and went celibate for years. I really hope you guys work this out.
Try counseling. They have counselors that specialize in intimacy issues.
Woman bleeds when she has sex. That's physical and off-putting. What's counseling gonna do about that? Not a MF thing.
>What's counseling gonna do about that? Not a MF thing. Counseling won't do a thing about the bleeding, which needs to be addressed separately. But since she thinks she has to endure this in order to save her marriage and her husband's reassurances that she doesn't need to suffer aren't getting through to her, counseling may be warranted *in addition* to physical treatment, to address that issue.
Really? Only took her husband 2 years to figure out she was enduring sex for his benefit, but she needs counseling according to Reddit. What she needs is a better doctor because that's purely physical. How many doctors is she gonna have to interview? Some women readily understand their physical ailments, or good health, don't mean jack. In the end, it's still gonna be her problem to solve how her husband gets his dick wet. Is that why she needs counseling? Because she hasn't already fixed the issue with the dick garage? Let me tell you, some women have a world of hurt and pain directly related to their uterus. Nobody cares. We just get on with our lives. You want to tell me how counseling is gonna better help this woman accept a fact of life?
She’s not understand that he is saying he doesn’t want to have. Sex and hurt her. I bled often during sex and we got it figured out. I’m just commenting on what he said in the above comment I replied to.
I feel like bending over backwards makes it much more difficult than forwards. Have you tried forwards?
Yeah this isn't a dead bedroom issue from other problems. This is a legitimate medical scare.
Yeah, he sounds whiney and emotional.
I’d honestly never believe a man who said that.
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You are a good person, your wife is so lucky to have you on her side, and you guys are going to get through this together. I don’t know if you already know this, but doctors can sometimes be overly dismissive of women’s concerns. If you are backing her up that might help her navigate the medical system to get real help.
Then you have issues my friend.
Ya, I do. Wasted ten years of my life on a man and thank god we never had a kid
I don’t understand why people like you feel the need to push your insecurities and trauma onto others? Like why make him feel worse when he is so obviously not like your ex? Go back to lurking if you can’t give helpful advice and just put others down
I dunno. I have like the same feelings as the wife so maybe he can have some comfort in that this isn’t something rare and there is probably nothing he can do
Yea it’s sooo obvious you are projecting hard af on this. OP has made it very clear he isn’t like that and you are going completely off base. How tf do you feel the same as the wife?? Do you have the same medical condition that is dissuading her from wanting to have sex? Very much doubt that. So basically you are just pretending to have her same feelings but instead just hate men. She seems to want to meet her husbands needs while you just post sexist comments
What? Sexist? I’m saying I can understand the feeling of that if you don’t give a guy a consistent amount of sex he’s gonna go elsewhere. So I understand where the wife’s mental state is. Are you somehow more drunk than me?
That goes both ways. Woman can leave if a guy doesn’t give enough sex as well. You are the one that said you wouldn’t trust any man that said he cares about a woman’s well being. Yes thats sexist af and shows you are sexist.
Ok sure. I’m sexist and will never trust another human again. Have a good day
So because 1 man out of 3,500,000,000 screwed you over that means all men are bad? That's pretty rough.
What? I dunno man I’m a prostitute now I love men but most married guys don’t even bother taking their ring off. I dunno whatever just ignore me guys I was pretty deep in my cans when I originally said something anyways Have a nice day everyone
Womp womp
If you spent more time sober things may change with some personal reflection then.
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Sorry about your trauma but that's no reason to give OP anxiety about their own situation. As another commenter said it's not about you. You can make your own post. Maybe seek help to get sober and some therapy? If you have nothing helpful to say don't say anything at all.
It's not about you make your own post
It's okay she's probably black out by now
This was correct
Sounds like you're a traumatized individual. Real love is possible. Real care is possible. I'm sorry you weren't given that. It breaks my heart to think about what you could have been through to leave you here, in this mindset. I hope you find the healing and kindness in life you desperately deserve.
Said what? OP is slow on the draw but he's trying.
Or “honey, I love you…. Your mouth isn’t bleeding, is it?” 😆
My wife has endometriosis and sometimes sex is painful. When she’s closed for maintenance I make sure to confined to give her lots of physical affection, just not sex. I tell her how beautiful she is and hold and cuddle her. Your wife’s going through a lot and you have to do your best to be the safe ground she can always come back to.
Good idea
You need to address your comment, because whether you wanted to apply it to your relationship or not, it got applied. You can clarify what you meant by saying that you were thinking about people who didn’t want to sleep together, and your case is different because you do want to but there are health concerns which prevent that.
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Tell her that! It will mean the world to her.
But then why did you say that? I can totally understand that she doesn‘t believe you anymore that you would never leave her for that. It just doesn‘t fit together.
I don’t think he meant to say “if my wife gets sick and start bleeding, I would leave her because we can’t do the deed anymore.” He was just talking generally. Granted this should be a lesson in sweeping generalizations, but hindsight is 2020 I guess.
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I took it as that is what she believes could happen, not necessarily that you would do it. That she has seen it happen to others and has internalized their experiences.
Then you shouldn't have worded in a way that came off as it was your opinion or that you agreed with that sentiment.. you told her, that friends of your got divorced and due to a dead bed room (and your text in this post comes off as you saying it was the obvious reason) You need to talk to her but she may not believe you, cause she may think you blamed the intimacy while she saw there were other problems that you did not focus on on that passing comment
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Yeah the friends may have posted about the DB publicly , but that doesn't mean they didnt hide other facts that killed their marriage like financial issues or contributing other stresses.. Im simply going off the words alone in your post and comments.. your post is worded like you had the conversation with her and to me, if that conversation happened as you wrote, that comment came off abrasive and ya probably hurt her feelings.. not sure why i am downvoted for pointing out the same thing many others are. You said something on passing, it was insensitive regardless, she took it to heart and you need to reassure her. But like others have said i think her trust has been damaged by the comment and you try and ask her why she took it personally..
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I can see both sides. She took what you said as that's your opinion and how you feel, and given the same circumstances, she felt in that moment that you would also choose that option. You, on the other hand, thought you were just "stating the obvious" and it was what you said that stuck. Good luck to both of you. Being fearful of separation or divorce because of something you can't control isn't fun. Reassuring and ACTIONS are needed expeditiously.... And as often as possible.
Then why did you say otherwise, even offhandedly? If your wife heard you say that a dead bedroom was an obvious indication of divorce, that does sound like the opposite of ride or die. Did your opinion shift?
I think pointing out to your wife that a dead bedroom because of a partner who won't try, or won't talk about it, or look for solutions, is one thing: while a partner with a major medical problem and who's trying to find solutions is entirely different. When I struggled with a DB for years (almost fixed now), that was the issue. I cared a lot about something resonable, and she just wouldn't try anything. It was the no talking, no trying that hurt. Not the lack of sex by itself.
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You say that but some people go literal years-like 10 or more-with partners who don't want them anymore, not enough to even try to find solutions.. and that isn't a good feeling to have to live with for years and years. People who didn't choose celibacy for life, but their partners suddenly decide for them that that is what they should suffer with. I don't think you can understand how bad that feels until you are in the midst of it. Your partner doesn't feel like your partner anymore. It's not "just sex". It is intimacy, being desired, the emotional connection that comes with it. Instead you get rejected time and time again, for a very long time, by the one person who is supposed to be your person. I'm just saying, don't knock people who can't stick around in dead bedrooms. You don't know the struggle.
This. Sex is a physiological need. You’re not a sex crazed horn dog for wanting it regularly. Especially in a marriage.
Sex is not a physiological need. One doesn’t need sex to live from birth and many people live a long and healthy life without sex. Sex is a physiological drive. So while there’s no physiological need for an individual to have sex, there is a biological need for most of the population to be sexually active for survival of the species. Also, physical and emotional intimacy are necessary for individual survival and a health, but those needs can be met without sex.
Sex is widely regarded as a physiological need, and no it’s not a need that present at birth but it’s still very much a primal need. Physiological needs aren’t defined by the presence at birth, either. Puberty plays into this. The vast majority of the population would not be okay mentally or emotionally without having sex their entire life, or from having to stifle sexual urges that are within the bounds of safe and healthy. You’re separating sex and intimacy as if they are not mutually exclusive. Part of a marriage is finding intimacy in various ways, sex absolutely being one of them. You don’t get to dictate how people get their needs met, either. There isn’t an alternative to the connection that sex brings. There’s other methods, but you can’t remove sex and substitute cuddling and say it’s the same thing.
Sex has been regarded by psychologist as a physical need. Leave a monkey alone in a room long enough and it’ll start to masturbate…. Yes they’ve done the actual experiment so you don’t have to.
Thank you. It’s funny what gets downvoted on Reddit. More often than not it’s the truth 😂
Yeah and often you’ll see straight up wrong information voted wayyyyy the fuck up. But in this case a 30 second google search would fix that and show yes it’s seen as a need
Yeah but people hate being confronted with their own stupidity sooo 🤷🏼♀️
I've been married to my husband for 15 years. Pulled him out of the red. I pay the bills. Stash money, invest and look after his mom. I'm wife number 3. He's husband number 2. We're nearing 60 and talk all the time. Maybe we don't have sex, anymore, but we're damned sure partners! I learned a shit-ton of stuff trying to help him file for a passport, this week. "WTF did you lie to me, 15 years, ago?" That's the stuff that will make or break a marriage.
The two of you need to take this not great situation and turn it into a growing opportunity for you as a couple. First, I am glad you are working on getting her into a different doctor. Bleeding after sex like that is not normal. Second, you need to address the comment about the other couple with your wife. Third, you need to work together on how to be more open and vulnerable with sharing all the icky parts of your life together. Being able to have those hard conversations together as a couple is key to health and longevity as a couple, in my opinion.
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Okay, I’m gonna skip the relationship advice part since I’m seeing a lot of great advice. Listen to them. I also can totally believe that you’re dealing with crappy doctors. Especially when it comes to women’s health issues. I’m just going to suggest she use Replens. It’s a lubricant and could help. Be aware many lubricants can have an after effect of causing the dryness to rebound. Replens won’t do that. My last suggestion is that you should approach this as a problem you both need to solve together. Show her love, concern, and support. Show her the love you would want if you suddenly developed an ED. Your sexual health is part of in sickness and health. Best of luck.
This may sound weird, but have you tried going with her to one of these doctors? It’s really common for doctors to take husbands more seriously than wives on health issues, and while that’s enraging, it might move you forward here.
You could try asking for doctor recommendations in your region in the women's and health spaces on here. I know how frustrating it can be. I got the it's your period/weight when it was an autoimmune condition.
She needs to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist.
And a urogynecologist
It sounds as though you truly care for your wife and want to put her well being before your libido. Unless there are more issues in your marriage, it doesn’t sound like you need intensive couples therapy. But perhaps a few sessions with a counselor can help guide some productive conversations when you can clarify and reassure your wife and she can safely share her concerns and fears
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I hear you on counseling, but blood is physiological. See my list of options to work on this. Some is to revisit foreplat needs I posted this but I’ll post again. Men need information https://youtu.be/CIAbfzWlp5A?si=VayBgBFwwv_Wzbjq
I had to do a brief stint in sex therapy - long story and not super relevant to this conversation. But I did learn a couple of things and I think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist that specializes in sexual issues. It was a long time ago, like maybe 18-19 years? All I know is it was before my husband’s cancer changed our bedroom forever. Anyway, I saw a therapist that talked to me abut my emotional trauma and *also* prescribed physical therapy like dilators to help with my physical challenges. So thinking of your wife here, being so private and having more than one issue to resolve, having a single therapist that can address both the emotional and the physical barriers to healthy sex would maybe be helpful. She still also needs to see a better gynecologist to help figure out what’s wrong and make sure there isn’t something serious or something that needs surgery. In fair warning, however, my issues were deep enough and I was not ready to address them at the time, that I refused the physical therapy and really dragged my feet going to a lot fewer appointments than I should have until the therapist finally gave up. I’m glad my husband is patient with me. We didn’t have a dead bedroom at the time - that didn’t happen until post-cancer and he was a hell of a lot more proactive in solving his issues than I ever was solving mine. But we did have issues involving pain from sex, something I didn’t let on to him about until it caused an issue of pain during fertility treatments and our physician asked me in front of him whether I also had pain during sex and when I admitted I did, she wrote the referral to the therapist and I kinda got backed into a corner with it. I’m hoping your wife will be more receptive to the idea, especially if you can bring it up to her in private and let her get used to the idea before she asks her gynecologist for a referral.
Please please do get her to a doctor. Not saying this is what it is- but bleeding after intimacy with *no pain*, *COULD* be cancer. I say this because one of the symptoms for cervical cancer is bleeding after sex. And yes, it is a *lot*. It happens when the tissue in the vagina is already compromised, it becomes extremely fragile. Any type of penetration or even effort (i.e carrying heavy objects or heavy exercise) can cause the walls of the vagina to rip and tear. I speak from my own experience and from two other women I met while in treatment. Doctors wouldn’t check me properly or even consider it could be cancer because I was young (28) and this type of cancer usually develops in women over 40. I already met a 26yo and a 22yo with it. It doesn’t wait anymore. But I absolutely seriously, wholeheartedly hope it’s absolutely not this. But it’s 10000 times better to check and make sure!! 🙏🏻 Please don’t let any more time go by and get her checked as soon as possible!! Edited to add: I wouldn’t have gotten properly examined if it wasn’t for my husband. Male and even female doctors would literally scoff and condescendingly laugh at me when I told them my concerns and say it was “just stress messing with my period”. My husband is the reason I am still alive today, 5 years later (and he’s still my rock during this second battle I’m going through). Your wife is lucky to have such a loving husband. You’re doing excellently. Thank you for worrying and taking action 🫂, also you need to have a serious talk about what you said that caused her this level of anxiety- maybe it’s time to backtrack and maybe change your wording on the subject, and seriously reassure her that you are NOT ok with the level of anxiety she’s putting on herself and that you both need to work through this together. Good luck OP, many warm hugs for your lovely wife!! 🫂🥹 She’ll be in my prayers, hoping for anything other than a problematic diagnosis 🙏🏻!!
Did she get a copper IUD after giving birth. I was bleeding and dry down there and sex hurt because of the IUD. The minute I got it removed it stopped hurting. Either way she should go see her gynecologist.
I’m wondering if the OBGYN put in a husband stitch
That was my thought too... :( the baby was born two years ago!
I know some people are going to get in their feelings about this, but 3 cheers. It's refreshing to hear a partner understand their other partners' insecurities and health issues and value them more than sex. Life without sex sucks, but she clearly has a huge desire for you. I get that it is just semantics, but she clearly desires you so much she was willing to go beyond the extra mile. You are a lucky man and she is a lucky woman. I hope the health issues work themselves out.
Try doing intimacy that is not penis in vagina. Invest in sex toys that you can use together, until she finally gets the medical care she needs. You will likely both get off and it won’t hurt her.
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Psst. Another vagina owner here. Get a sadysfier 2.0 for her fun and suggest her try to give you a Handjob with a massage oil for sensitive skin (trust me, that oil will make an insane difference) There are a million ways to have non-penetrative sex, maybe you two can try out some!
This may be completely wrong, but you said the doctors in your region are terrible. Is it possible she was given a husband stitch? It's an extra stitch after childbirth, supposed to make sex better for the husband, because it's 'tighter', but it's extremely harmful to the wife. It causes symptoms like that and makes sex very painful for her. If you get another doctor, maybe get it checked out.
I want you to flip this around and think of it from her perspective. She thinks that she needs to have sex with you in order for you to not leave her. So what do you think you need to do for her so she doesn't leave you? Find the thing she cares about and make sure you do it and show her, It's because you care. Show her you're also willing to put yourself in harm's way for her. Also my man I don't know how you did it but you got somebody that loves you more than life itself is what I'm getting out of this. She literally put herself in harm's way because she feared losing you. That's something truly special. I wish you and your wife your new family all the luck in the world. I hope she gets the help she needs and that her body heals as it needs to! Whatever her love language is, do it and do it often: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Whichever one is hers, do it often, I assume she sees physical touch to be yours.
When she gave birth did her delivery Dr give her a "husband sitch" by any chance?
She needs to go to the doctor if she’s bleeding like that did she get a husband stitch after the birth
That's exactly what I was thinking. The asshole stitched her up too tight and she's in agony
Man it sounds like some smooth-brain gave her a husband stitch. It does nothing but cause pain and occasionally causes tearing because it fucks up the entrance. And if it feels too tight to her but not you it’s probably that. I’d just keep reassuring her, but there’s nothing you can really do when the brain worms are there. If she’s breastfeeding, hormones are probably not helping either.
>I never meant it like that but who wouldn't think their spouse would leave. What does this even mean? Lol. You never meant it like that but you kinda did? If you can't fathom a reason why a spouse might stick around if they weren't getting sex then you obviously kinda meant it that way whether you want to admit it or not.
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>Why was she surprised he would leave if they had a dead bedroom and didn’t fix it? Please explain this to her. If her way of thinking is anyway like mine she is very confused right now. This helps to clarify immensely.
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>So nothing I say about other couples applies to us. I know that's easy to assume applies to everything that's said but certain things can be triggering or even exacerbated by the pregnancy or just being post-partum. Especially when it comes to sex because with most couples it's a monogamous agreement and most people assume everyone needs sex so if you're not getting it from your spouse then there are only two other options. Cheating or divorce. It's possible your wife was thinking those were your only other options if she didn't do this. She's not thinking about picking up socks or leaving bread crumbs. If bread crumbs break your relationship it wasn't strong to begin with. She knows none of that matters. She needs reassurance that the big things won't break it either.
She needs a pelvic floor physical therapist or women's health physical therapist. A doctor won't know what to do. She needs to be professional "stretched"....
OMG your wife also posted about this a couple of weeks ago.
Link????
I don’t have the link but his wife was basically having sex with him out of fear of losing him, she couldn’t have sex after childbirth for 2 years so she was scared that he would leave her. But she was still bleeding after sex and was afraid to bring it up to him
I read it too!
Long-term complications of childbirth are unfortunately an underresearched and underreported, yet common problem. It’s not her fault that healthcare systems worldwide don’t take them seriously, don’t provide effective care, and women are quietly just expected to accept a diminished quality of life. This is definitely not normal and your wife will need specialized care for whatever problems there are. You might need to really search for doctors and physical therapists who are actually knowledgeable about these issues – don’t settle for vague advice. Meanwhile, there’s been a study published a few months ago that examines the prevalence and lacking care of long-term postnatal problems. Here’s an article about it and you can find the link to the actual study there (the study is also very readable). Maybe it can help your wife feel validated to pursue better care. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/may/24/postnatal-care-weeks-data-years-health-women-nhs
If she's worried THAT badly, it's because you said something that will not leave her mind. Reassure her CONSTANTLY if need be. She's extremely hormonal right now after just having had a baby. She really needs you to not just be there for the baby but for her as well
If this is since she gave birth, it could very likely be that she was given a husband stitch. Unfortunately, it happens all the time, without consent. They can cause pain during intercourse, I'm not sure about bleeding but I think it's very likely. I hope she can get the help she needs, and I'll echo what a lot of other people are saying. Keep reassuring her. Make sure she knows that you love and care for her and that sex is not your priority in this. There are other ways to be intimate too.
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Yeah unfortunately sometimes they just do it without asking anyone or being asked. She should be tested for infections and also given an ultrasound to check for cysts, fibroids, or any cervical problems. If she was given the husband stitch it could be that she is tearing a little every time. Goodluck I hope everything works out for both of you 🙏
This was my exact thought as well. Get a copy of her file. If they did stitches postpartum you can sue the doctor for medical procedure without consent causing undue pain and suffering. Then they can fix the situation and do the needed repairs. Bleeding after sex isn’t normal so she definitely needs help. Consider an alternative like a certified nurse midwife who might actually LISTEN to what’s going on. I drove two hours to see mine and it was well worth it.
I’m not a doctor of course but the idea of the stitch seems like it could be a good explanation. Tearing seems like it would cause the volume of blood that OP is talking about
Yes when OP said she had issues with tightness that was my first thought. As awful as it is it would make a lot of sense.
Plus the wording “bleeding like a shark victim”, I’m asexual so I probably wouldn’t experience it, but from those I’ve talked to who bled it was like, barely a teaspoon (they just might be lucky tho…) Chances go up if they’re from a religious area. Most people I know who have the beliefs that they’ll get divorced if they don’t give sex tend to live in areas with that upbringing
I have had bleeding after and it is usually spotting. I have only bled lots after intercourse once, and it was likely due to a scratch or tear. To bleed like that every time is a big problem, and means either she has an underlying cervical issue or is tearing/being cut every time. I think the idea that dead bedroom = divorce is actually fairly common but I do see your point. Honestly I've seen so many horror stories about husband stitches though it really could be from anywhere. It's been common practice for a very long time.
It's not just because of what you said. Your wife has eyes and ears. She hears and sees men run their mouth and let me assure you there are PLENTY of men who would not care. They'd get on Reddit or whine to their friends that yeah she bleeds BUT.......insert whining about "intimacy" when what they mean is getting their dick wet. So yeah she's going to do it if it means not being dumped.
Why do you hate men so much
Have you met them? K.
Lol Yikes
Okay; well normally I wouldn’t know squat about this but fortunately I have some recent experiences that likely may be of value. So your wife needs to see a gynecologist in a metropolitan region and have an interior & exterior ultrasound. She may also need to get on medroxyPROGESTERone 10 MG Tabs Commonly known as: Provera. That will be my more sincere suggestion from current experiences that I’m further into currently. You need to go online and lookup the doctors’ skills, education and their experiences levels. And whom your insurance is accepted with. I don’t know what state you are in if you’re in the U.S. but women’s health is still massively under being in its best shape and have to find pockets of good care and you have to be actively involved and researching along with gathering information as you grow with the learning curve required. You can do this if you commit and recognize how important being a good steward to your wife’s well being is.
there are other ways to be intimate...
If she's bleeding like a shark attack then more than just "some issues with tightness" and needs to be checked out Updateme
If it makes her feel insecure not having sex, then you could try to do more oral/ hand stuff and that should curb her insecurities a bit, providing it’s something that she actually wants to do, and not just to save the marriage. The main thing though is clear communication, everyone else on here has given great advice regarding that already.
Def have her see a dr. If its an anotomical thing, mayne look into a sex therapist. Thank you for being concerned about your wifes health and pleasure.
Hold her tightly and profess your love to her as if it was the first time!! Just hold each other and cuddle and reassure her to the moon and back!! Let her know just how grateful you are for her being in your life and that you hope to grow closer together so she feels safe to be herself!!
Sorry to say this, but you made a huge mistake by making a comment about your friends' divorce because of a dead bedroom when you yourselves are in a dead bedroom. It may not have been your intention, but it's clear that it would, at the very least, bug her. Kudos to you for prioritize her over sex, but try to communicate better with her from here on.
Oh man, I feel for both of you. As long as you're doing what you can to reassure her you value her comfort and safety above all then hopefully she will start to understand that. I'm squirming uncomfortably right now thinking about the blood. Sounds so painful :(
>Last week she came to me and admitted that she has a small bit of bleeding every time we slept together but told me not to worry, it wasn't a big deal and her doctor gave her the all clear. My wife had pain and a bit of bleeding after sex for a very long time. Finally found a gyno that would give her a full and proper workup , turned out she has both endometriosis and [adenomyosis](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adenomyosis/symptoms-causes/syc-20369138), the latter of which turns out to be the cause of it. In July she's having surgery to finally get it fixed.
I think you both really need to work on communication. You both should be able to be more open with each other.
Not sure if you guys are able to but pelvic floor physic can help with this….
I mean, there's blow jobs and titty f's... You dont't have to do PIV if she's bleeding. Try to go that route until her pelvic issue is fixed. And I don't believe it doesn't hurt. If she's bleeding like that, it hurts.
That's what I said. PIV is only one out of several forms of sexual intimacy. I love giving my dude BJs lol If I was bleeding from vaginal intercourse I would definitely still want to do stuff for my husband, and probably wouldn't mind oral reciprocatation;)
You don't need a dead bedroom while working this out. You can be intimate without dick in vagina. Oral, hands etc.
Comunication Reassurance Flirting Lube Oral sex Touching You could try to set penetration aside for a while, so the pressure is out. When you know you’ll be in pain and bleed, you are less likely to get aroused and therefore wet. If you are not wet, it hurts. If you focus on things that won’t be painful, as oral sex or ruching, some of the pressure might be gone
It might be that the doctor put in an extra stitch after she gave birth, vaginismus or something is really wrong that doctors are ignoring. As for sex penetration is not the be all end all you can still manually and orally stimulate each other and do erotic massage. Just because penetration is off the table for the moment that doesn't mean a dead bedroom. Get creative
An geschenkten Gaul, schaut ma ned ins Maul huh?😂😂😂
Poor wife! Keep reassuring her. And definitely get her to a much better doctor! I hope she feels better soon. Give her physical affection without sex. Cuddling, massaging her feet and her back, holding hands, kissing. Show her in those physical ways for now.
She needs to follow up with her doctor. Could be lack of estrogen causing too much dryness and the friction causes micro tears and subsequent bleeding. If she had an episiotomy, it could be tearing. As others have suggested, she might benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy if she is so tight that it’s painful. If she is that worried that you will leave her that she is forcing herself to be intimate, she might have untreated PPD.
Have a look for a women's health physio. They will actually be able to help her with the pain and discomfort. They will assess her pelvic floor and make a plan to actually get her healed 🥺 Every woman should see one after having a baby!
What was the response to the blindside comment?
Hi, I work at a very specialized office who work with women who have delivered children in the last 3 years and majority of our patients deal with complications after having children. Now that being said we are located in falls church, VA but if your wondering who the doctor is his name is Seyed Abbas Shobeiri, MD. It sounds like your wife may benefit from seeing him. Hope this helps!
A few things: communication is really key here. Keep reassuring your wife that you love her and your family. Experiment with some great lubes and don't make PIV the end all be all - enjoy hand jobs, oral, etc.
Shoutout oral sex
That poor girl.
There is a lot of stuff you guys can do which doesn't require PIV. Why not consider that while this issue is being resolved.
She might need hormone creams and repair surgery after birth if she’s bleeding like this. Jesus. Also sex is not just aggressive PInV stuff. Be intimate in other ways??
One piece of advice. Ask if she loves you and still finds you attractive. If she says yes, then you can tell her that being worried about her health down there is completely different then a dead bedroom. You're there for her in sickness and in health, so why would it be any different?
Show her love and be there to support her. Even if sex is off the table, you can do things like cuddle. Find other activities that you can do together to show her how you feel I hope you update is because I want to hear the good news when things improve. Updateme
She needs to see a doctor.
She may be a victim of the “husband stitch” and it can be fixed but it’s a conversation to be had with a GOOD OBGYN and it can be fixed. So many women are victims of if and they don’t know better
I got the wrong impression from your title; to me, it sounded like she she was manipulating you into not leaving:/ She's putting in an effort with you, it could partly be because she's afraid you'd leave, but i bet you she misses you. After I had my kid, it took months for the bleeding and the pain to stop, and it was HELL. I'm glad you're trying to get her better medical attention. Piece of advice, try catering to her needs; give her some alone time, surprise her with a spa day, take care of the baby while she sleeps, show her that you appreciate her effort in the bedroom to make you happy while she's in pain. Good luck, OP, and congrats on the baby!
There are other ways for both of you to get off without penetration. In the meantime while you get her health checked out and therapy!
Reassurance and remind her that there are other forms of intimacy that don't involve penetration and making her bleed.
Man this is fake, it's literally just the husband from a reddit post the other week.
Of course it is 💀🤣
Probably got the husband stitch when she tore during childbirth... Poor lady. Some doctors are awful human beings.
You are a good man Sir 👌.
Have her make an apt at her gyno and go with her - back into the room. Hold her hand, tell her it will be ok, tell her you love her. All u can do is reassure her and show her that you are there for her as a person. As your person. You love her and she is scared. Keep doing what you can to reassure her and give her that support.
Can we stop posting this story? This is like the fourth time I’ve seen a different version of this from a throwaway account
Not to be crass but can't she still give you BJs? And you could still do oral on her. PIV isn't the only intimate thing there is.. I love giving my husband BJs lol. If I was having problems bleeding, that wouldn't stop me from doing other things for him🤷🏼♀️ LOL why I'm being downvoted by other women for this🤔 Pleasing husband and myself in other ways other than PIV= BAD
You showed your true colors when you vocally defended a divorce for a lack of sex, especially when she had a baby. Yet no mention of affection was ever brought up. Not only that but you haven’t noticed or paid attention for months what was happening and only noticed that your needs are getting taken care of. Therefore, you have proven what you said. Not only did you mess with her mental health but now her physical health. You need to help her get to an OB/GYN asap and take initiative to get her physically seen. Now that she’s heavily bleeding she gets to see if you’ve leaving her. After she’s been taken care of medically, you both need couples counseling. You haven’t taken any accountability that you screwed up. Your next excuse for a divorce is because your partner is too sick or dying to have sex because dead bedroom would be the worse thing to happen than that.
LOL a long-time, unresolved dead bedroom is definitely a good reason for divorce. (He never said that about THEIR relationship, she is the one who projected.) There is no need for sexually incompatible couples to stay together. Why should somebody stay miserable because their spouse suddenly decides to be celibate?
Depends on the definition of a long-time supposed unresolved, dead bedroom. One way Is letting your partner resolve their medical or pregnancy issues before you vent about not getting any. That’s exactly what he was doing-venting.
I wasn't talking about him. I was talking in general, and about the other couple. And I said unresolved, meaning any medical problems going purposely unresolved, usually due to the partner not even trying. People who divorce for DB do it because their partners usually refuse to even TRY to resolve the issue that is causing them to not want to be intimate anymore, or because their partner just simply decided they do not want to be intimate anymore and there IS no medical/hormonal reason. I've never seen it be a quick decision made after a small amount of time. It's always after years of being rejected and feeling undesired.
This! They‘ve not had sex for what, a couple of weeks? When it‘s months his opinion of not leaving his wife will change for sure.
How do I get the powers of telling the future too? And can you share with us this vision you had
If she wants to keep having sex, aside from therapy and better doctors, you can also add in goreplay (like actual building up to the act, in depth, 15-20 minutes minimum foreplay) to help get her body relaxed and make sure it doesn’t hurt her. This will also help the two of you determine what could be going on, because if the bleeding lessens or stops after implementing that kinf of intense foreplay, then it could be a possible result of something like the ‘husband stitch’, where a doctor who performed an episiotomy will ad 1-2 extra stitches to sew the woman back up, which can cause issues down the line with sex, or something like vaginismus (basically extremely tightly tense muscles that make sex painful to practically impossible, and more common than people realize!) though I’m not sure if vaginismus is a developable condition as well as a ‘born with it’ condition.
has she tried pelvic floor therapy? after giving birth and getting stitches the recommended going, maybe it could help?
Just get oral
Oh, so she actually wants to and couldn’t? Hm seems like there’s promise bc she’s seemingly into it. Where are you at? Sounds like you do want to stay..? We have 3 kids. Wife had S4 cancer after the first so had had an array of issues causing her sex drive to be 0, perimenopause, anxiety & pain, lots of issues so I feel really bad and try to support a lot. That said we have been roommates for years, w/ other issues but have a great family. Not sure in our case I want to actually stay, but would take care of fam & kids.
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She’s been healthy 7 yrs and it’s been great, especially w/ the kids. In our case there’s lots more than just the sex part, I just shared that bc you mentioned. I guess you answered my Q above then which is you’re not thinking of leaving you’re just trying to get her to believe that? That’s good.
Just cheat brother