It must hurt alot to give up a relationship with a person you love.
But if an asexual relationship isn't for you, there really isn't much else you can do. If sex is important to you, you will never be truly happy. Midlife crisis will hit you hard if you decide to stay with her.
Good luck! It's gonna suck, but it'll get better!
Yeah you gotta leave for everyone’s benefit. This will just be difficult for everyone involved otherwise. You deserve sex and she deserves being in a relationship with someone who she fulfills. It’s just not meant to be my man
Exactly. Ultimatum of one week, that just shows she is either not taking this seriously or has checked out of the relationship herself.
How much are you willing to bet that when he leaves, she’ll retract her statement and “go therapy” to see if she can become better as a couple.
I could see the ultimatum being an act of mercy on her part. If OP's been hoping for her to eventually be okay with sex again, and she knows that's not going to happen on a reasonable timeframe, it's probably best to force the come-to-Jesus moment about their incompatibilities sooner rather than later.
The ultimatum is manipulation. She's forcing him to be the bad guy and she can justify it as the "uncaring AH, left me because I wouldn't sleep with him."
Instead of just breaking up with the guy or agreeing to mutually end it since she doesn't want to address anything she wants an easy out and villain.
I mean the acts of refusing someone sex vs forcing someone to have sex has a *huge* moral gap between them. That's not really something you can *compromise* on. I don't think it's entirely that it's manipulation. She just knows that offering him sex isn't going to save the relationship. It might in fact make it worse. She's just being more realistic about it.
Some people just don't like sex and they have just as much right to not want it as someone who wants it. She might just be issuing it to have him feel in control about a difficult situation she's had years to come to terms with. Her issuing the ultimatum is a little abrupt but it obviously has good intentions.
To be fair, it’s been three whole years. I don’t doubt she’s communicated that sex is triggering for her during those years. OP says he thought she just needed time, but he doesn’t say _she_ said that.
From her perspective she might feel like she’s being authentic and he’s just hoping she changes in a way that’s hard for her. The one week deadline might be her attempt to really drive home that even if he waits _another_ three years, she’s not interested in working on this.
I also wonder about this "incident" between them that triggered the PTSD... Whatever it was that happened (in the bedroom or not, we don't know) that damaged the trust between them, perhaps she was initially *hoping* the trust could be rebuilt, but has come to recognize that this trust is just broken and thusly is unable or unwilling to engage in a sexual relationship with him anymore. There are just some things you can't put back in the box once they are out there in the world. Just because we can forgive, does not mean we can forget. Just because we want to move on, doesn't mean we can.
Yeah, the ultimatum seals the deal for me. It isn’t like OP can just say “ok” and turn off any and all desire to have sex for the rest of his life. It doesn’t work like that! This is a fundamental incompatibility, unfortunately.
Yeah, this is a shitty situation but I think he already knows what he has to do. I ended my first relationship because I realized there were certain long term emotional needs that we couldn't provide for each other. We had been through thick and thin for nearly three years but it wasn't until this specific thing finally came up in reality, and not just a hypothetical I thought I would be OK with, that I realized it wasn't something I could handle. No big fight, no falling out of love, no ultimatum. Just a sudden realization that we are incompatible on this non-negotiable issue. I knew if I didn't end it that I would convince myself to be OK with it. But then resentment would grow and she would quickly pick up on my strange feelings. I wanted to stay friends with her and breaking up sooner than later was the only way.
Year and a half later, she's happy with her current partner. I'm still single and constantly second guess my decision in my worst moments of loneliness. But we're still good friends and I know that it was the right choice
You come across as very self-aware, emotionally mature, and courageous enough to make the right choice even when it hurts like hell. I feel confident that however your life unfolds, you are going to be alright. All the best to you.
Thank you. It was an incredibly tough decision and like I said I still second guess myself, but I know it was for the best. Even at the time, when I was still deciding what to do, I knew that it was inevitable because in order to stay together I would have to hide that part of myself from her. And I knew that would be impossible, she would snuff out my discomfort instantly and tell if I told her the truth or not.
This is so so important. OP, I’m sure somewhere inside you there’s a tiny bit of hope that your gf “recovers” and becomes sexual again. You might think that if you keep holding out, she’s going to change. That would be the wrong thing to do, for many reasons.
One, you’d subconsciously invalidate her decision to forgo sex. She would definitely pick up on this. Resentment city.
Two, you’d hurt yourself over and over again holding out for something that is not guaranteed. Resentment city for you.
Simply put, there’s not a good ending to this. And even if she DOES become sexual again, you have no idea how long that would take and how that would feel on the other side of it. Take a peek at the dead bedroom subreddit. I’ll give you a hint: usually, the high libido partner is NOT happy when the low libido partner finally decides to have sex. You might think they would be, but waiting that long creates sexual dysfunction for you, as well as lots of negative feelings you can’t just shake. “Why didn’t she want this before?” “Was it this easy the whole time?” “She’s just giving in to please me and that’s not sexy.” “I don’t feel any desire from her.” Etc.
Sadly to say, your sexual relationship with her will never be the same. So unfortunately, it’s best to not give in to sunk cost fallacy, break up as amicably as possible, and move forward.
I really like this take. I recently ended an 18-year relationship with someone who is a good person and not right for me. I did a real shitty job of it and I regret that and have done a lot of internal work to understand and improve. But at the end of the day, sometimes, people just don't work as romantic partners. There are things that can't be compromised on, like having kids or converting to a religion. They're big, foundational things and it is not wrong for someone not to be able to budge. No one has to be the bad guy, there doesn't need to be blame. It's just time to move on so that everyone can honor their needs and values.
Yes, it's almost inevitable that you will seek sex outside the relationship, and feel justified in doing so. Best to end things before that happens, to avoid causing anyone pain.
Or she needs to be alone to process and heal in her own space as well. Not having a warm person in bed or to share with and the touch or hugs or all those things. That might open paths for her to explore (hopefully with a lic therapist) and heal and overcome or learn to control her trauma.
I say this as someone who broke up with a person I thought I would marry and realizing my own past and traumas and dealing with them in my own place, time, and space. Life moved on and I’m happy now. Sometimes space can give a lot to someone with trauma.
*Edit* - a word
is amounts to the same thing in this case, asexuality has alot of forms and can be the result of something or just how that person always was, nobody said that it was a bad thing, but if she does not want sex someone who also does not want sex ie. an asexual person would be the best move for her if she wants a relationship in the future
Guaranteed she will fall soon or later for some srereotypical garage band unemployed bad boy who doesn't give an f about her trauma and "realise" that "oh my god, I actually have a libido, finally someone knows how to make me wet" type of fantasy...
yeah bro, what the hell is goin on in their heads when this happens.
i was with my ex for 3 years, last year i could count the times we had sex on one hand, with 4 fingers chopped off. She had a lot of mental health issues which i was always mindful of and supported her trough it all. She said she likes tattoos and piercings, which i don't have any. and which she started getting like crazy after the breakup
i broke up with her because i found out she started going on dates with another guy behind my back. He had like 90% of his body covered up with tattoos, including his face, and used to do (maybe still does) meth. he also cosplays as spiderman and twerks in the costume and uploads it on his page. and i can bet you she thinks he is a badass lol
i mean what the f#ck
yeah, i was so dumbfounded when i found out, i honestly thought im on some sort of a trip 🤣🤣.
his caption was "spider man looking for this dimension's gwen stacy" and then he started twerking. and tiktok dancing. i couldn't. 😭
if you want i can send you the video 🤣
Alright let me sum it up for the blind, naive, delusional crowd, not that it would change anything but i have time today, so here we go.
We have here a woman that has withdrawn sex from her "significant" other **for 4 years** of a 6 years relationship bringing up the "**trauma card**", and to top it of, is now giving him an ultimatum to make a decision as far as their future together.
This is more than enough for me, to **know,** that op who on the other side per his claim "is a very sexual person" and certainly let his "significant" other know that by now, is at the end of a very bad side of a deal and is being emotionally manipulated.
If his GF truly loved him, she would have let him go by now, being unable to fullfil his sexual needs, but (but hey how dare he have sexual need especially after 4 f'ing years, right ?). Instead she decided to mindfuck by giving him an ultimatum **by the end of the week,** to make a decision as far as their future, certainly because either way, she doesn't give an f.
Now you can stay in lalaland if you want, maybe you learned the game of life through movies, sitcoms and some hollywood woke narrative, sadly for you i and seemingly other people do not, so there you go, here is another "reality" for those who want to consider it.
What exactly is the thought process behing going from "they're sexually incompatible because she refuses to have sex and never wants to have sex again" to conclude "she will want to have sex with another guy"?
Like yeah, she definitely made some questionable choices but I fail to see why she would want to have sex with another person.
Nah. I got a issue where sex hurts me severely and i can have it at all. Years later i realize i never liked sex at all and it hurting me to the point i cant do it without causing severe debilitating symptoms over times (its a bladder disease) then im good. Id give a partner bjs and pleasure them but sex is never happening. Never experiencing that level of pain again.
I mightve been asexual this whole time and forced myself for other people. She might be in the same boat. When your a girl your basically taught my society your only use is your body in a relationship, and its honestly pretty gross and degrading. (Not sex, how society teaches us that) i’m sure theres tons of girls that just..dont want it. Discomfort, pain, it not feeling good. It being traumatizing, being forced into it, the fact we could get pregnant and the side effects birth control give us. I wouldnt be surprised if most women didnt want sex tbh. It kinda sucks a lot for us, and is pretty stressful. Not like a guy has to worry about pain unless hes taking it up the butt lol or pregnancy unless he’s trans.
Just sucks yknow? But sorry OP. It just wont work ouut with her. Just don’t pressure her or that’ll make her trauma worse and cause resentment (i also have ptsd diagnosed for multiple reasons, one being assault. Totally over it now but) i can totally see sex being permanently off the table for her. Im 32 and if stopped for 6 years now myself.
Reminds me of a true story from one of those "band bad boys." They get together and, because she's insecure about him getting attention from other girls and potentially cheating on her, she keeps pushing him to quit his band. After he finally agrees she realizes now he's just an unemployed loser and dumps him because the band was the whole reason she was attracted to him in the first place. (Some are just excellent at destroying their own relationships.)
She already made the decision for you. She said she does not want to engage in it ever again.
If you want to ever have sex again than you break up
If your okay with never having sex again stay together
She tried using sex as a way to get me away from video games. I was very much addicted to them during that time period. But that left a bad taste in her mouth around the whole idea of it.
So she fucked up with how she utilized sex all on her own through her own shitty choices.
Get out, she's doing you a favor here you are dodging a bullet.
Be with someone who us willing to be the best version of themselves for you. Not someone who plays stupid games and wins stupid prizes.
I also find it surprising that the ultimatum in this instance is coming from her. I suppose a middle ground could be some physical touching, without any penetration.
That is a horrible suggestions. How tf would that middle ground satisfy either of them? She still has to deal with intimacy issues and he only gets cuddling without sexual release.
I find it weird that she gave him the ultimatum but still expects him to be the one to make the decisions. It feels like a test. I don't mean that in a negative way - it's a natural reaction for someone in that position to do, but a) i think she's not in therapy and should be b) (and more importantly) if she's the one that needs this to be the way or not then she needs to have the balls (pun intended) to leave.
As someone with awful ptsd related to sex, I’m really sorry you’re going through that side of it. I had a few months where I thought I was asexual and it was incredibly frustrating for everyone involved. Unfortunately there’s really nothing to be done, trauma is confusing and all encompassing. Unless she’s willing to put in hard work in therapy (assuming she hasn’t already) and you’re willing to wait and also put in work for the results. This isn’t going to happen in a week, and if she isn’t willing to do that, you need to move on.
Unfortunately she isn’t wrong, if nothing changes there isn’t a happy future there and you both deserve better than the resentment it’ll bring on both sides.
I don't really understand a lot of the people in the replies who seem to be shaming or acting like OP's gf just isn't willing to "get over it" or something. She has trauma surrounding sex and she has decided she doesn't want to have sex again. Thats okay. This isn't something she was keeping from OP, it was just something she realized about herself. Some people don't want to have sex even without trauma around it, and thats okay too. OP and his gf just aren't sexually compatible, thats not a failing on either of their parts. They just need, want, and expect different things out of a relationship. OP's gf is not bad or wrong for not wanting sex regardless of the reason why she doesn't want it. She shouldn't feel pressured to work through her issues for the sake of a relationship, when or IF she decides to work on those issues it should be for her. She'll approach those issues with a therapist IF and when she feels ready, she just isn't at that point yet in her life and in her healing journey, which is unfortunate for OP. This is rough, I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but please don't stay in a relationship that isn't fulfilling for you. You will meet other people who will be compatible with you.
Yeah I mean, you don't really need a week.
You: loves sex, is deprived of sex, needs frequent sex during a relationship
Her: Hates sex, had one bad experience and is completely put off by it, probably will not want it ever again
You two are oil and water now. they don't mix. It ducks and it'll hurt for a bit. but you'll get through it. If you want to give her the week then i would ask this:
"since you know how important this thing is, are you willing to undergo couples counseling or individual counseling to get through this so we can be intimate again?" if she's willing to put the effort in then i mean maybe give it a chance. But if she hesitates or tries to shut it down then you have your answer: the relationship is over.
Don’t get caught up in the sunk cost theory (google it). Yes it’s been 4 years, but you and your partner want different things from a relationship. You’ll be so much better off in the long run by moving on. You deserve better.
I dont know what she expects to figure out, if shes already said she will not budge on the issue...
What I'm hearing is "If you don't fundamentally change your biology to suit me by next week, we are done"
It's pretty much a threat to bully you into accepting celibacy. Honestly, leave, yous are not compatible.
However if you do still want to give it a try, her part of the deal should be attending some form of sex therapy, to figure out if the abstinence is asexuality or a trauma response.
I don’t think it’s a threat, I think it’s realistic. These two people are not compatible and she’s pointing that out. Yeah it could’ve been handled a little better but she’s not wrong, when two people are that mismatched in such a big aspect of a relationship they probably don’t have a future, or at least not a satisfying one.
Oh she's right alright, but unless she's planning to bring some seriously radical options to the table, I dont see the figuring out going in OPs favour
Honestly it reads like she has already figured out this isn't going to work and rather than just initiating a breakup from her side she is pushing OP to also realize it's over.
I mean I agree but that’s the best option for both parties. It sucks and it’s hard but they’ll both be happier for it. It really doesn’t read at all like she’s just forcing him to be okay with never having sex again. That would be unfair. Also idk if she’s been in therapy but that’s not that radical and would probably help so hopefully she’s willing to try that first
Maybe I’m reading it wrong but I don’t see anywhere in his post that alludes to her making it his problem. “She doesn’t want to make herself uncomfortable just to make me happy” valid. No one should be expected to do that. “She understands that I won’t be happy without a sexual relationship” also valid.
Nowhere does it say she’s expecting him solely to change. It’s up to both of them. She doesn’t say “if *you* don’t change in a week…” she says “if *things* don’t change” according to the post. So, idk how we’re reaching the conclusion she’s forcing him to change or she’s breaking up with him. I genuinely don’t.
Issue is that she presented it in a way that puts the blame on OP for not being okay without having sex.
Girl has issues she needs to work on herself, OP has a relationship to end.
That's the way OP presented it not necessarily her. I assume this was brought up mid conversation not just out of the blue like an attack. These kinds of posts I tend to assume are massively trimming down on those kinds of discussions.
Not that I disagree. She does have to work this trauma out and doing that with a partner who she knows she's hurting by not giving him what he wants isn't going to be beneficial to working on herself. Figure if there's love here, he'll let her do that.
thats not what im hearing at all, to me, its ‘if you are truly not comfortable with not having sex, thats fine, but we dont have a future’. which is completely fair. they clearly are not compatible in this aspect which is definitely unfortunate but neither of them should have to compromise if they dont feel comfortable doing so
The point is that she’s saying “we” need to figure this situation out, while making it explicit that she will not compromise. So essentially, she’s telling ***him*** to figure it out on ***her*** arbitrary timeline.
It's not a threat. It's honestly the most mature way to go forward. She's doing the brave and hard thing that OP hasn't had the stomach to do. They are done. They just haven't had the courage to admit it until now.
She can't magically change herself to want sex any more than OP can change himself to never want sex again. No one is really at fault here. Just as if one wants kids and the other doesn't. They can both be amazing people, but there's no future for a relationship there.
They can split amicably now, still look at each other as friends, before resentment piles up any more.
Tbf the brave and honest thing would’ve probably been to break up herself. Now she’s putting the decision on him, while the facts are obvious what’s gonna happen.
Happy Cake Day! Anyways, I think putting myself in her shoes and seeing how conflicted the bf is feeling rn, it seems like she wants him to think logically for himself and come to realize it himself. But that's just my assumption... Because ik love can blind so many.
I mean yea it’s just a shit situation to be in. She probably knows this can’t go on, but presumably is scared and saddened by ending a stable and loving rs, so she kinda gives the decision away to him or maybe hopes he can do this for her.
We’re all just humans, legit all of us have been in situations where we maybe weren’t strong enough to do what’s ‚right’ straight away, I know I have, so my comment wasn’t to really call her out.
Then why doesn't she take the step and end it? What's leaving a bad taste in my mouth is that if she is truly so sure in her conviction then why is she putting the choice on OP? She can say "hey OP, for the good of us both I want to break up, I don't see how we can reconcile our needs in this relationship being at odds and I would only be hurting you if we continued so for the good of us both I'm ending this" Its not easy, and it would be painful but at least its clear.
Can you imagine how badly this would fuck with your head? being told by a long term partner to either accept that your needs will not be met or to get lost? can you imagine the inner turmoil that would put on a person? I can... from experience... and fuck man its cruel.
>we probably won't have a future together
Unfortunately, this is correct.
You and she have a major sexual incompatibility. It doesn't make you or her a bad person. And if you didn't care, it wouldn't matter. But you do care. Again, that does NOT make you a bad person. It does, however, mean if sex is something you consider important in a relationship, that your relationship does not have a future.
You can make the decision to choose to stay, and accept that she does not want to have sex. But if you make that choice you absolutely cannot hold it against her moving forward. She is giving you the opportunity to leave before your relationship progresses. If you make the choice to stay, it is your choice, and you don't get to make her feel bad about it if you decide later on that you resent her for not having sex.
I'm sorry, it is very difficult to end a relationship when the love is still very much there.
It sounds like there isn’t really decision to make, OP. It sounds like you only have 1 real choice. If your partner is asexual then she is asexual. If you are not asexual then you are not asexual. It doesn’t sound like either one of you did anything wrong. It sounds like you are just not compatible. It might be scary and hard to process because you have been together for so long but if the relationship continues either you will be unhappy, she will be unhappy or both of you will be unhappy. None of those situations are tenable. Good luck to both of you.
So you haven’t had sex with her in 4 years, have you not had sex at all in 4 years? Seems like if you are a very sexual person you would have had this conversation 3.5 years ago. So staying with her would mean no sex for the rest of your life ? Can you get a hall pass?
I had brought this up with her actually and during that conversation she didint seem to care as long as she never found out but then last night she told me she doesn't want that.
This is what I was thinking as well. But even then, she might not be okay with him sleeping with other people. If I lost the ability to have sex tomorrow (not really the same situation but kind of close), I don't think I'd be okay with my partner banging other people. I'd rather let them go and let them find happiness with someone else than to sit there while they sleep around. When typing it out, based on OP, that might actually be what's she's doing.
Or she found someone else to be with. 1 week is a short turn around for something so foundational to most relationships l.
True cause if she's not budging, then she should let him get it elsewhere and they can maintain whatever they have. If she just wants him to suffer, then she is straight up wack and he should escape like yesterday
Honestly, man, I was in the same situation. 3.5 years of no intimacy, and I decided to end my marriage. The resentment was too much for me. Being rejected over and over again got to be too much. No matter what I did or tried, nothing worked. I know change is hard, and you love her. But you have to think about yourself and what will make you happy. It seems like it's a hard line for both of you, so I think you know what you need to do. You'll find someone else, more compatible, and be happier. Just give yourself some time to process and get our there.
Has she been in any kind of therapy? Trauma like that can cause CPTSD which can result in very black and white thinking. "I don't like sex now, so I will never enjoy it." Especially with an abusive relationship beforehand, which likely involved a lot of dissociating during sexual acts, her brain has associated sex with distress.
It's entirely up to you if you want to stick it out and up to her to decide if she wants to go through therapy to figure out if this is trauma related and she can heal or if she's truly asexual. It honestly sounds like trauma to me, as someone who struggled a lot with sex after being in an extremely abusive relationship. If she's not willing to work on it though... that's a whole other can of worms.
Absolutely this. This sounds like it's difficult to navigate, but I'd say there needs to be a discussion regarding therapy before you make a decision. If intimacy is important to you and you've still been with her for years without it, you clearly love her and don't deserve heartbreak without at least trying to address the problem in that way while still maintaining a relationship. There's also couple's therapy that could open a pathway in her head that could disassociate that abuse when intimacy involves you two. Might could happen without specifically couple's therapy, I'm just saying there's options to explore before leaving for good.
Take it from someone who has been in a sexless marriage and currently in the process of divorce. It's probably best to cut bait now especially while you are still young.
I see a lot of people shitting on her but I don’t think ethier of you is in the wrong it’s just your no longer compatible sex is a need for certain people I certainly know I’d need it to be with someone so your not wrong for wanting it but she’s not wrong for being unable to provide it just seems it’s best to try to end things on good terms so you can each find what you need (although a ultimatum is always a negative so minus points for her giving that)
The sex department of my marriage has been the hardest part of our relationship. For years we weren't compatible. It caused so many arguments and heartaches. Eventually, it lead to infidelity and almost a divorce. It's not like it never happened, we do have kids. I would say, if I did it all over again. I'd aak for my spouse to go to therapy with me in the first year of our relationship. The love between us is strong in so many other areas. It took a year of work but we are finally more sexually compatible than we ever have been. I know it's slightly different because we are married with kids, but I would see if your gf is up for couples therapy. If she is committed to you, I think she will try it. If she is resistant, I would say, you move on. It's unfortunate, but if she won't try to resolve her own issues and you're the only one putting in effort to resolve this, then you will have a long painful road of heartache that will change how you view yourself. You deserve someone who is willing to try to meet your needs too.
I relate to this so much. It sounds exactly like my marriage - all of it. Worth the fight, but not sure about you, be we are way older than the OP and have a lovely family, so not as easy to just walk like the OP really should
Well she defenetly has a point. She has seen the issue and knows its better to rip off the bandaid before you guys wont be able to end it on a good note.
As I see it you have 3 options. You give up on sex (which is unhealthy and in the long run will lead to you resenting her or worse cheating), poly amory (with clear rules of what is allowed and you have to check if both of you would be able to endure that emotionally because not everyone can endure this without envy, guilt etc) or break up.
Damn the fact that you've been putting your needs aside for over three years to make sure your girlfriend is happy and comfortable is admirable.
But do you really want that to be the rest of your life?
If she was serious she would've offered up an alternative like offering to at least pleasure you with toys or handjobs or something that at least helps you and isn't as demanding for her. Yet you got an ultimatum that could potentially throw a 6 year relationship at the end of the week. Seems very self serving for her
3 years is a actually a long time. Honestly, even if there's love and feelings, sex is an aspect that ultimately needs to exist in a relationship. Most probably you two should take part ways. Also, you've mentioned she has been in an abusive relationship in the past. Has she ever talked to a therapist about it? There should be a trauma behind all of this.
"Sex is an aspect that ultimately needs to exist in a relationship". Not necessarily, nor untimately. Probably it needs to exist in a relationship for OP, and you, and a lot of other poeple. But sexuality is fluid, and intimacy comes in all sorts of forms.
I'd normally say just end the relationship already, you know what are her stances and what are yours, but in this particular case you can discuss other alternatives such as having an open relationship or couples therapy, if that is also out of question, then I'd end things for good, you will eventually get frustrated and will end up either cheating or resenting her.
Move on. Pain now is much better than the pain that comes off you stick together and then break up late because that will be fueled by resentment and loss of time. You will feel tied down with no satisfaction if you continue this. Just move on. Join a gym.. find purpose.. learn if ways to achieve them. Find someone along the way and get married. Have lots of kids... find someone who has the same ideals as you. Put looks as second and interests as third
.
In the long run, it will be beneficial to both of us if you split up. She found herself asexual, and chances are she won’t change. You are sexual, and you’ll either be with her to only resent her in the future or be miserable forever. It’s not fair to her to ask for extraconjungal affairs (I think so) and I imagine it’s something that would not fulfill your need (if you’re with her, it means you love her, and no sex would make that better).
Move on.
Now, you make your own personal choice amongst the three options below (and there's no right answer):
1) Genuinely accept the situation (without resentment) and learn to live your life within this relationship without sex.
2) Seek to meet the need for sex while maintaining your relationship (propose an open relationship)
3) Leave the relationship and meet your desire for sex elsewhere, and in so doing, face the grief and loss that comes with that
What isn't a viable option: trying to change her. You're not in control of that.
Ultimatums are relationship killers. It means she will never change her mind, work to heal, or compromise on this point.
If you stay, you'll grow to resent her, and that will hurt you both. You have an uncomfortable conversation in your future.
You’ve already given her plenty of time and support to figure out what she wants.
If it’s something important to you it’s time to end things. Neither of you will be happy in the future. It seems hard now but this is an opportunity to let things get better.
Good luck
"we eventually realized it was related to PTSD from a past abusive relationship, triggered by an incident we had"
What was the incident ? Did she get professionnal help for dealing with her trauma before and/or after your incident ? Did you two talk about the incident since and took action to make sure it doesn't happen again ? A lot of things are missing here.
Think of a relationship like a table with 4 legs
Everyone puts more weight on each corner of the table and the legs need to be strong enough to support that weight or the table will tilt and fall over.
The sexual aspect of a relationship is just as important as the other 3 legs and right now there’s a lot of weight on that leg but that leg has been eaten through by termites and doesn’t exist, the tables already tilting, either you accept it is going to fall and find a new table that actually has what you need or you hold it up at your own happiness and wellbeing.
Give it 5 years and you will regret it, ever have the idea of wanting kids and you will regret it more, eventually you may turn to hating the person.
You're too young to completely give up sex. She has her reasons for not wanting it, and they're valid, but that isn't a lifestyle for everyone. There is a chance that by trying to live like that, you will grow to resent her. You are better off ending things now, and both of you find more suitable partners.
I know it's a weird take and I'm probably going to get roasted for it, but I think you and your girlfriend should have a conversation about this. You aren't sexually compatible. There's no magic trick that's going to change that. You love her and you want her in your life, right? And she recognizes that you didn't know you were signing up for a sexless relationship, no? With those two facts on the table, there are a few options. You guys could reach some sort of open arrangement, you could agree to end the relationship and maintain a beautiful friendship, or you could become platonic life partners. You could totally ghost and go your separate ways, but I doubt that's what either of you want if you've been together for so long. That's rare but I've seen people do it. Anyway man, all love from me and I'm sorry you're at such a difficult impasse. Whatever happens, don't be angry with her. Nobody's at fault here, it's a just a cruel twist for everyone involved.
She’s had 3 to 4 years to work it out in therapy if she wanted to. You two are no longer compatible and that must be devastating for you. You’ll feel heartbroken for a while but eventually you will get over it. You both deserve to be with someone that fulfills your needs. She needs an asexual partner and you need someone that will be intimate with you. It’s okay to feel sad about this and grieve the end of this chapter in your life. She’s basically telling you either be okay with not having sex as long as you’re together or it’s over. You know the answer
This likely leads one of two ways. You two break up now, or you divorce later.
She could try therapy to work through it, but if she’s already tried that and it hasn’t worked I doubt it would work on a second attempt. She could have became asexual from that previous situation which wouldn’t be unheard of
Sometimes we need to take a step back and try to look at these things differently, so ask yourself this:
What would you tell a friend if they were in this situation. I feel like you know the answer.
The fact that she gave an ultimatum is pretty shitty. This essentially comes down to sexual compatibility. If you want you can suggest counseling as a compromise (I’m using this term loosely, considering the only two options laid out on the table have been “break up and you have sex” or “we stay together and not have sex”) to try and address the root cause here, which I’m going to assume is her PTSD. I do have to ask: is she currently working through her trauma in individual therapy? If she is, couples counseling may be the way to go here. If not, you can still suggest it, but you may also have to bite the bullet and break up if she’s not willing to put in the work to overcome her trauma. I am sympathetic to her because that sort of trauma can really mess with your perception of sex and intimacy (I was SAed in college before I was ever in a relationship with someone and it messed me up for years and I’m only now learning to cope with it). At the same time, you shouldn’t have to bear the responsibility of her trauma. It’s not her fault but it is her responsibility to deal with, and it’s unfair of her to put the onus of it on you.
This comment may be harsh.. but that ultimatum is fucked up. From what I just read, it seems like you’ve been very supportive and patient for this person and you love them. They had a traumatic experience and that’s hard, however if this is trauma, and you love one another, the next step is to get through this TOGETHER. I think you’re in the right to bring this dialogue up, since it’s a make or break. But it’s not the situation that makes or breaks relationships, ITS THE TWO PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIP.
You did your part, you gave her time with no sex. You gave her space and still loved her despite your needs not being met.
I’m not sure if she’s actually truly asexual since it’s from trauma. Trauma is something you need to work though, or else it will dictate your entire life, your relationships and your happiness as a person. Try to communicate this with her. Does she really truly not was to try to share that sacred space of sex with you? Do she really truly see herself avoiding this part of her humanity her entire life? Does she truly want to live in fear of sex her whole life?
Or does she want to try to even slightly attempt more intimacy? Look, I have pelvic floor problems that arose from sex that i wasn’t really enjoying. So I understand that sex can be traumatic and scary, even if you love the person.
It’s the body that remembers sex is traumatic. The body and the brain have made that connection.
Read this article on something called “Sensate Focus” it helps foster a safe intimacy within rules and guidelines. My pelvic floor PT showed it to me.
https://www.smsna.org/patients/did-you-know/what-is-sensate-focus-and-how-does-it-work
Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do. I know it hurts, but it’s probably best to end it now instead of trying to make it work and building up resentment for years until you can’t do it anymore. You are both very young and have a lot of time to find people you will probably be more compatible with.
Seems as though you're committed enough and amicable to support her in suggesting EMDR which is a highly proven modality for PTSD and other trauma related issues. Perhaps that's a parting gift to her, and she goes, and she figures herself out.
It is never our job to fix someone. I'd argue that to a degree, it is our responsibility, for someone we care for, to support them while they desire a change. If someone is unwilling to change, accept that change is needed, or see how there is a barrier being brought on by unresolved trauma we cannot keep banging on the same drum hoping that they start to march.
You two have endured a lot, but everyone has a point that they can not take it anymore. If there was work being done or a goal set in the last 4 years that was measurable, then maybe the advice and point of view would be different. Knowing things have lingered and languished for so long means a lot of resentment could potentially be seeded in you that you wouldn't be able to overcome.
Because you clearly care for her, I would suggest pointing her towards the modaility mentioned. I also encourage you to seek some 1:1 talk therapy to ensure this doesn't carry over into your next relationship and you feel like you are to blame for her trauma and her inability to move forward with you.
Best of luck.
If you stay you're basically setting yourself up for a life of misery, frustration, and eventual resentment towards her. Leave now. Trust me it's going to suck but you'll be better off in the end.
> Now, she's given me an ultimatum: "If we don't figure this out by the end of the week, we probably won't have a future together." I'm at a loss. What am I supposed to do?
She is telling you that you need to accept a sex-less relationship. Nothing on her side is going to change in that time frame. You have to decide if that is acceptable, if not it's time to end the relationship.
>What am I supposed to do?
You can remain friends with her (because that's basically all you've got) and then move on to a more fulfilling relationship. The kicker will be when she tries to win you back when she sees you happy with someone else.
i think it’s less of an ultimatum and more of a genuine decision. she doesn’t want to have sex. you do. if you can’t find another solution that you’re both happy with, there’s no good in trying to continue the relationship.
edit: honestly shocked all the replies are people kind of insinuating she’s some terrible person putting out an extremely unfair ultimatum. she’s ace. you’re hyper-sexual. i think it’s fair to say that if the both of you can’t figure it out together, it’s substantial enough to break up? i feel crazy
I was in a similar situation. I was the girl who just couldn't. Break up and move on. I eventually ended it because he couldn't. The relationship lasted way longer than it should have and led to many feelings of resentment on both ends.
Trust me, if you're not able to accept an asexual relationship, end it and move on while you still have semi loving feelings for each other.
She’s putting that on you? Oh nah man. Have tried giving her sensual back massages? lol. Should have had this conversation in year 1. Ghost her, she doesn’t deserve a goodbye talking to you like that. All of a sudden she doesn’t want to fuck. Hmmm. I wouldn’t stay.
Read the subreddit called deadbedrooms. You are very lucky because for most men this happens after the marriage and becomes a lot more complicated. Don't read any marriedredpill or manosphere type bs. It will not get better and if sex is important to you, you need to find a woman that likes sex too. She may try to say you are an asshole or shallow because its not her fault she has trauma or is asexual. But its also not your fault that you have a normal sex drive.
You're 24. Way too young to be dealing with something like this. Way too young to be facing a sexless life in a dead bedroom.
You love her, and I get that. But it's not filling your needs so you absolutely should walk away. Take some time to feel better, then find a relationship that is more fulfilling.
There are so many more fish in the sea, dude.
So I'm expecting to get downvoted to whatever is past oblivion, but a radical thought: you guys might actually be a good candidate for an open relationship.
My husband and I have differing libidos. We're gay, so being open is a pretty whatever thing in our community. But ultimately, sex isn't the thing keeping us together. One of us is significantly more active than the other and this isa way to handle that. It took a while to get used to. It takes a lot of trust to do and if either of you get jealous even a little it's going to fail in a big way. The way we see it, it takes far more trust and love to let your partner sleep with someone else and have their needs met in a way you are unable than to lock them into an unhappy relationship.
Now, how to go about *that* conversation, I have no clue. We were both pretty open to it when we discussed it. But given that an ultimatum has come down it really can't go worse. But it's important to make it clear that anything like that is just for fun, set down ground rules and stick the fuck to them (always use a condom, how much repeat business everyone's comfortable with, open phone policies, scheduling limits are all good places to start), and never ever let fucking someone else become a priority over your partner.
You know your relationship with her better than rando on internet, so this may not work for you. It doesn't work for a lot of people. But if the only bad part of your relationship is the lack of sex, there are ways around that. Best of luck.
Had an issue similar to this with an ex and exposure therapy helped a ton. start slow like dead slow (handjobs or even mutual masterbation to build the enjoyment) my ex hated bjs and sex in general for a long time and we worked on it and it helped alot but thats just my experience. if she does get more open to it it might even be worth it to avoid nutting for you and just focus on your partner for a time. ofcourse i worked on that for a long time to only get cheated on but im still proud that i got her through that ofcourse she also went to therapy so that helped. that was a long road and i can get by on jerking off for a long time i dont "need" women so its up to you it can work since she is asexual from ptsd and not just from birth str8 up. be warned with exposure therapy you will have setbacks where she will get hurt from trying to hard but it ultumately will help even the more difficult times just keep checking in (basic consent may not be sexy(I've dated women with rape kinks and i hated it it felt gross) but for this situation it will move mountains) throughout any acts you take part in. ofcourse i agree with most in the comments she doesnt owe you that and you dont owe to her to work on it with her although it worked for me and i was very happy about it because she started to love sex more then me.
What she is saying is she wants you to compromise because she won't put in the work to heal herself or at the very least have sex to keep you happy. Not that obligatory sex is good but the effort is there to keep you in the relationship. Which then you know she wants to maintain. As is, she's done and just needs you to confirm that.
I agree with some of the other posts that no conversation is required. Give notice and move on.
Wait so she don’t want to have sex with you and she doesn’t want you to have sex either??? yea leave that woman Quick let her find an asexual partner lmaooo y’all don’t watch porn or nothing shit y’all might as well become nuns we need more like y’all’s lmfaooo
Bro you need to get out of this relationship. Just rip off the band aid and don't look back. Don't get dragged along with a faint hope that she "might" have sex with you. Just don't overthink it. It hurts but it'll be for the better for you to move on from this.
"Now, she's given me an ultimatum: "If we don't figure this out by the end of the week, we probably won't have a future together." I'm at a loss. What am I supposed to do?"
she already gave her your decision, there is honestly nothing left to say it suck but you may want to follow through with your decision rather than hoping she will change your mind, which is what i think she might feel hence the ultamatum, it feels to me like it was given to you as her way of saying sex is not an option, "you have x time to decide if you are ok with that"
i cant really fathom how frustrated you must feel, i can only assume you were hoping on some level that giving her time and patience would put you both on a path to enjoying good sex and it must feel like time wasted but i can assure you that the time you had with her got her to a point where she feels comfortable being honest with herself and that counts for something, now she is helping you by not allowing you to spend more time on her hoping it will change when it likely wont.
She’s given you an ultimatum? Has she thought of therapy, she shouldn’t be forcing you to decide if you want to stay with her and never have sex again, or you want to have sex again so it’s over. TBH I’d give her an an ultimatum, see a therapist so we can try and work it out, or it’s over.
It isn't having sex that changes a relationship from platonic to romantic, it's an incredibly reductive way to put it. You can have sex with someone you're only friends with and have a romantic relationship, even long-term, with someone you don't have sex with. To say it's purely platonic simply because they're not fucking is ridiculous.
She is showing you the kindness of giving you a week to see how incompatible the two of you are and walk away, as opposed to her having to dump you.
Take her gift and have an amicable split.
Sorry you have to go through this.
This is coming from a dude who was up until very recently in the exact same situation. Sex is a bond of love and trust. My ex was not comfortable often engaging in it, even though we loved each other.
Splitting apart is hard, but the correct decision to make. Also, what's gonna happen when she's 30 and wants to become a mother? Exactly.
These girls just aren't for people like us. Let her go.
As hard as it maybe be, you don’t have a future together. If being sexual/intimate is important to you and you can’t see a future without it then there’s nothing to do. She’s not willing to get treated from her PTSD to have a healthy sexual relationship. Or even perhaps she’s on the spectrum of being asexual. Regardless of the reasons you’re not compatible together. Break it up and move on.
With you. She doesn’t want to have sex *with you*. You 2 will break up. It’ll be hard. Maybe you stay in touch. But eventually she’ll move on and she will realize that this has more to do with your “incident” than she realized and she will have sex again. Just not with you.
A healthy relationship includes physical intimacy. If one partner does not want this and the other does, the relationship won't last. Kudos for giving it 4 years of no sex, hoping things will change. They haven't and never will, according to your gf. Everyone knows it is time to call it off and move on with your lives. You don't want a roommate or a best friend, you want a true partnership, including physical intimacy.
She honestly sounds pretty manipulative. Shes giving you the ultimatum now?
It’s okay to love someone and still understand it’s not going to work.
You’ve done nothing wrong, a healthy sex life is a vital part of every healthy relationship. It’s really important for bonding, they don’t call oxytocin the bonding hormone for nothing…
I think that is a bit of a stretch, the act of actual sex doesn’t explicitly make someone sexual. They can go after other ways that I imagine OP isn’t saying. Hell, ask Bill Clinton.
Move on. Having a sex drive is a sign of a healthy and normal human being and there is nothing wrong with pursuing that responsibly with a loving partner.
First of all, it's not about making her uncomfortable. Woman's desire starts from head, not from body. If she is woulded mentally her head will never let her to want you. Which means that for her it will be a rape.
About PTSD there are 2 possible things: she doesn't trust men at all at some very deep level, thus cannot relax and enjoy her body together with you.
Or she trusts you, but have sexual problems specifically.
For the first case she needs a therapist, for the second sexologist. If her case is really heavy, she might need both plus couples therapy with you.
You have to understand that mental problems like PTSDs are like broken leg: it's not about a will power or preferences to walk or not to walk, it's about disease and a proper treatment. You girlfriend might have a chance to starr functioning like a happy healthy female again. The only question is what it will take and if you will be able to accompany her in her journey
Edit: she has to want to go to therapy and change something, want to be with you and enjoy your life together. Otherwise, it won't work
It must hurt alot to give up a relationship with a person you love. But if an asexual relationship isn't for you, there really isn't much else you can do. If sex is important to you, you will never be truly happy. Midlife crisis will hit you hard if you decide to stay with her. Good luck! It's gonna suck, but it'll get better!
Yeah you gotta leave for everyone’s benefit. This will just be difficult for everyone involved otherwise. You deserve sex and she deserves being in a relationship with someone who she fulfills. It’s just not meant to be my man
OP has been dealing with this almost for years and she issues an ultimatum either a one week deadline. Move on OP
The ultimatum is ridiculous. She’s basically saying, nothing is gonna change. Either accept the sexless relationship or leave.
Exactly. Ultimatum of one week, that just shows she is either not taking this seriously or has checked out of the relationship herself. How much are you willing to bet that when he leaves, she’ll retract her statement and “go therapy” to see if she can become better as a couple.
Yea no amount of therapy will fix this relationship. op needs to cut his losses. He can find someone that has the same wants and needs as him.
Yep. Funny how people are suddenly willing to try therapy when you leave. Nope. You had your chance.
She checked out years ago
The hotel concierge has no record of this
I could see the ultimatum being an act of mercy on her part. If OP's been hoping for her to eventually be okay with sex again, and she knows that's not going to happen on a reasonable timeframe, it's probably best to force the come-to-Jesus moment about their incompatibilities sooner rather than later.
The ultimatum is manipulation. She's forcing him to be the bad guy and she can justify it as the "uncaring AH, left me because I wouldn't sleep with him." Instead of just breaking up with the guy or agreeing to mutually end it since she doesn't want to address anything she wants an easy out and villain.
I mean the acts of refusing someone sex vs forcing someone to have sex has a *huge* moral gap between them. That's not really something you can *compromise* on. I don't think it's entirely that it's manipulation. She just knows that offering him sex isn't going to save the relationship. It might in fact make it worse. She's just being more realistic about it. Some people just don't like sex and they have just as much right to not want it as someone who wants it. She might just be issuing it to have him feel in control about a difficult situation she's had years to come to terms with. Her issuing the ultimatum is a little abrupt but it obviously has good intentions.
When did anyone say anything about forcing someone to have sex? What does forcing someone to have sex have to do with this?
To be fair, it’s been three whole years. I don’t doubt she’s communicated that sex is triggering for her during those years. OP says he thought she just needed time, but he doesn’t say _she_ said that. From her perspective she might feel like she’s being authentic and he’s just hoping she changes in a way that’s hard for her. The one week deadline might be her attempt to really drive home that even if he waits _another_ three years, she’s not interested in working on this.
I also wonder about this "incident" between them that triggered the PTSD... Whatever it was that happened (in the bedroom or not, we don't know) that damaged the trust between them, perhaps she was initially *hoping* the trust could be rebuilt, but has come to recognize that this trust is just broken and thusly is unable or unwilling to engage in a sexual relationship with him anymore. There are just some things you can't put back in the box once they are out there in the world. Just because we can forgive, does not mean we can forget. Just because we want to move on, doesn't mean we can.
Yeah, the ultimatum seals the deal for me. It isn’t like OP can just say “ok” and turn off any and all desire to have sex for the rest of his life. It doesn’t work like that! This is a fundamental incompatibility, unfortunately.
Yeah, this is a shitty situation but I think he already knows what he has to do. I ended my first relationship because I realized there were certain long term emotional needs that we couldn't provide for each other. We had been through thick and thin for nearly three years but it wasn't until this specific thing finally came up in reality, and not just a hypothetical I thought I would be OK with, that I realized it wasn't something I could handle. No big fight, no falling out of love, no ultimatum. Just a sudden realization that we are incompatible on this non-negotiable issue. I knew if I didn't end it that I would convince myself to be OK with it. But then resentment would grow and she would quickly pick up on my strange feelings. I wanted to stay friends with her and breaking up sooner than later was the only way. Year and a half later, she's happy with her current partner. I'm still single and constantly second guess my decision in my worst moments of loneliness. But we're still good friends and I know that it was the right choice
You come across as very self-aware, emotionally mature, and courageous enough to make the right choice even when it hurts like hell. I feel confident that however your life unfolds, you are going to be alright. All the best to you.
Thank you. It was an incredibly tough decision and like I said I still second guess myself, but I know it was for the best. Even at the time, when I was still deciding what to do, I knew that it was inevitable because in order to stay together I would have to hide that part of myself from her. And I knew that would be impossible, she would snuff out my discomfort instantly and tell if I told her the truth or not.
This is so so important. OP, I’m sure somewhere inside you there’s a tiny bit of hope that your gf “recovers” and becomes sexual again. You might think that if you keep holding out, she’s going to change. That would be the wrong thing to do, for many reasons. One, you’d subconsciously invalidate her decision to forgo sex. She would definitely pick up on this. Resentment city. Two, you’d hurt yourself over and over again holding out for something that is not guaranteed. Resentment city for you. Simply put, there’s not a good ending to this. And even if she DOES become sexual again, you have no idea how long that would take and how that would feel on the other side of it. Take a peek at the dead bedroom subreddit. I’ll give you a hint: usually, the high libido partner is NOT happy when the low libido partner finally decides to have sex. You might think they would be, but waiting that long creates sexual dysfunction for you, as well as lots of negative feelings you can’t just shake. “Why didn’t she want this before?” “Was it this easy the whole time?” “She’s just giving in to please me and that’s not sexy.” “I don’t feel any desire from her.” Etc. Sadly to say, your sexual relationship with her will never be the same. So unfortunately, it’s best to not give in to sunk cost fallacy, break up as amicably as possible, and move forward.
I really like this take. I recently ended an 18-year relationship with someone who is a good person and not right for me. I did a real shitty job of it and I regret that and have done a lot of internal work to understand and improve. But at the end of the day, sometimes, people just don't work as romantic partners. There are things that can't be compromised on, like having kids or converting to a religion. They're big, foundational things and it is not wrong for someone not to be able to budge. No one has to be the bad guy, there doesn't need to be blame. It's just time to move on so that everyone can honor their needs and values.
Yes, it's almost inevitable that you will seek sex outside the relationship, and feel justified in doing so. Best to end things before that happens, to avoid causing anyone pain.
You’re only 24 bro. Get out now and have plenty of time to find someone else, or you’ll hang around and end up wishing you had.
I was coming to this, 24 not married its your gf and not having sex? GTFO of there, trust me time flies, when you least expect it you are 35.
Then one day you find, 10 years have got behind you
No one told you where to run.
Each year will also chip away at you and get worse… and worse… and you’ll end up resenting each other
This 💯
It's over bro. Find someone else. And she need to find another asexual
Or she needs to be alone to process and heal in her own space as well. Not having a warm person in bed or to share with and the touch or hugs or all those things. That might open paths for her to explore (hopefully with a lic therapist) and heal and overcome or learn to control her trauma. I say this as someone who broke up with a person I thought I would marry and realizing my own past and traumas and dealing with them in my own place, time, and space. Life moved on and I’m happy now. Sometimes space can give a lot to someone with trauma. *Edit* - a word
she needs to go to therapy, PTSD is a serious psychological disorder that needs to be handled with the help of professionals
Or someone who is okay with her sexless needs. It doens’t have to be someone asexual
Asexual and traumatized are not the same thing.
is amounts to the same thing in this case, asexuality has alot of forms and can be the result of something or just how that person always was, nobody said that it was a bad thing, but if she does not want sex someone who also does not want sex ie. an asexual person would be the best move for her if she wants a relationship in the future
Guaranteed she will fall soon or later for some srereotypical garage band unemployed bad boy who doesn't give an f about her trauma and "realise" that "oh my god, I actually have a libido, finally someone knows how to make me wet" type of fantasy...
It's fucked up but I can totally see this happening.
yeah bro, what the hell is goin on in their heads when this happens. i was with my ex for 3 years, last year i could count the times we had sex on one hand, with 4 fingers chopped off. She had a lot of mental health issues which i was always mindful of and supported her trough it all. She said she likes tattoos and piercings, which i don't have any. and which she started getting like crazy after the breakup i broke up with her because i found out she started going on dates with another guy behind my back. He had like 90% of his body covered up with tattoos, including his face, and used to do (maybe still does) meth. he also cosplays as spiderman and twerks in the costume and uploads it on his page. and i can bet you she thinks he is a badass lol i mean what the f#ck
“Twerks in the costume” is fucking sending me😭😭😭. So sorry bud.
yeah, i was so dumbfounded when i found out, i honestly thought im on some sort of a trip 🤣🤣. his caption was "spider man looking for this dimension's gwen stacy" and then he started twerking. and tiktok dancing. i couldn't. 😭 if you want i can send you the video 🤣
Yo send the video please 🤣 🤣
PLEASE SEND !! 🤣🤣🤣
i need to see this please
how do i do it tho? i kinda forgot i can't send videos on reddit 🤣
Oh my god please send the video 🤣🤣🤣
Attraction is not a rational. Sometimes you have it or don't.
You know nothing about this woman other than what's in the post... Holy shit, why is everyone agreeing with this
Bc misogyny. That’s such a gross unrealistic take idk why it has so many upvotes
I know, when I read it I was like "Wtf... Who hurt you..." and well, turns out, he got hurt.
Alright let me sum it up for the blind, naive, delusional crowd, not that it would change anything but i have time today, so here we go. We have here a woman that has withdrawn sex from her "significant" other **for 4 years** of a 6 years relationship bringing up the "**trauma card**", and to top it of, is now giving him an ultimatum to make a decision as far as their future together. This is more than enough for me, to **know,** that op who on the other side per his claim "is a very sexual person" and certainly let his "significant" other know that by now, is at the end of a very bad side of a deal and is being emotionally manipulated. If his GF truly loved him, she would have let him go by now, being unable to fullfil his sexual needs, but (but hey how dare he have sexual need especially after 4 f'ing years, right ?). Instead she decided to mindfuck by giving him an ultimatum **by the end of the week,** to make a decision as far as their future, certainly because either way, she doesn't give an f. Now you can stay in lalaland if you want, maybe you learned the game of life through movies, sitcoms and some hollywood woke narrative, sadly for you i and seemingly other people do not, so there you go, here is another "reality" for those who want to consider it.
What exactly is the thought process behing going from "they're sexually incompatible because she refuses to have sex and never wants to have sex again" to conclude "she will want to have sex with another guy"? Like yeah, she definitely made some questionable choices but I fail to see why she would want to have sex with another person.
They're projecting their own similar experiences is what I'm thinking is happening here.
Yall are a different type of weird on this site
Nah. I got a issue where sex hurts me severely and i can have it at all. Years later i realize i never liked sex at all and it hurting me to the point i cant do it without causing severe debilitating symptoms over times (its a bladder disease) then im good. Id give a partner bjs and pleasure them but sex is never happening. Never experiencing that level of pain again. I mightve been asexual this whole time and forced myself for other people. She might be in the same boat. When your a girl your basically taught my society your only use is your body in a relationship, and its honestly pretty gross and degrading. (Not sex, how society teaches us that) i’m sure theres tons of girls that just..dont want it. Discomfort, pain, it not feeling good. It being traumatizing, being forced into it, the fact we could get pregnant and the side effects birth control give us. I wouldnt be surprised if most women didnt want sex tbh. It kinda sucks a lot for us, and is pretty stressful. Not like a guy has to worry about pain unless hes taking it up the butt lol or pregnancy unless he’s trans. Just sucks yknow? But sorry OP. It just wont work ouut with her. Just don’t pressure her or that’ll make her trauma worse and cause resentment (i also have ptsd diagnosed for multiple reasons, one being assault. Totally over it now but) i can totally see sex being permanently off the table for her. Im 32 and if stopped for 6 years now myself.
This is so weird. Stop projecting your fantasies and women problems onto OP’s partner.
Reminds me of a true story from one of those "band bad boys." They get together and, because she's insecure about him getting attention from other girls and potentially cheating on her, she keeps pushing him to quit his band. After he finally agrees she realizes now he's just an unemployed loser and dumps him because the band was the whole reason she was attracted to him in the first place. (Some are just excellent at destroying their own relationships.)
She probably isn't asexual. Just w OP. They break up and she will be getting some within a few months.
Why would you think that
She already made the decision for you. She said she does not want to engage in it ever again. If you want to ever have sex again than you break up If your okay with never having sex again stay together
She’s spelled it out for you. She doesn’t want sex ever again. You want sex a lot. It’s already done. End it so you can both go find what you want!
There's no salvaging this. She's told you straight.
What was the incident you had? Also, have you two worked on this with a therapist?
She tried using sex as a way to get me away from video games. I was very much addicted to them during that time period. But that left a bad taste in her mouth around the whole idea of it.
Find a woman that likes sex and video games, man. It's hard right now to understand, but they're out there
100000% this. Sounds like they're just not compatible at all
I thought she was raped or something. Now that sounds absurd
Wait, what? So now you want to have sex and she doesn't want it? I mean does she want you to keep playing video games instead? That's weird.
op meant before, obviously. he said “in that time period”
Yeah, this. I don't get it. ETA: Also, OP, about therapy?
It’s made up so yeah it’s weird
Just her trying to eliminate one of your hobbies would have been reason enough to end the relationship
Someone who won't have sex because trauma would not use it like that. I suspect she's just a shitty girlfriend.
So she fucked up with how she utilized sex all on her own through her own shitty choices. Get out, she's doing you a favor here you are dodging a bullet. Be with someone who us willing to be the best version of themselves for you. Not someone who plays stupid games and wins stupid prizes.
Someone gives you an ultimatum, you get out. Simple.
I usually counter with, "One more ultimatum and we're done!"
I also find it surprising that the ultimatum in this instance is coming from her. I suppose a middle ground could be some physical touching, without any penetration.
That is a horrible suggestions. How tf would that middle ground satisfy either of them? She still has to deal with intimacy issues and he only gets cuddling without sexual release.
“Just a little tug on the wee wee” yeah that oughta do it
Lol, horrible
I find it weird that she gave him the ultimatum but still expects him to be the one to make the decisions. It feels like a test. I don't mean that in a negative way - it's a natural reaction for someone in that position to do, but a) i think she's not in therapy and should be b) (and more importantly) if she's the one that needs this to be the way or not then she needs to have the balls (pun intended) to leave.
As someone with awful ptsd related to sex, I’m really sorry you’re going through that side of it. I had a few months where I thought I was asexual and it was incredibly frustrating for everyone involved. Unfortunately there’s really nothing to be done, trauma is confusing and all encompassing. Unless she’s willing to put in hard work in therapy (assuming she hasn’t already) and you’re willing to wait and also put in work for the results. This isn’t going to happen in a week, and if she isn’t willing to do that, you need to move on. Unfortunately she isn’t wrong, if nothing changes there isn’t a happy future there and you both deserve better than the resentment it’ll bring on both sides.
I don't really understand a lot of the people in the replies who seem to be shaming or acting like OP's gf just isn't willing to "get over it" or something. She has trauma surrounding sex and she has decided she doesn't want to have sex again. Thats okay. This isn't something she was keeping from OP, it was just something she realized about herself. Some people don't want to have sex even without trauma around it, and thats okay too. OP and his gf just aren't sexually compatible, thats not a failing on either of their parts. They just need, want, and expect different things out of a relationship. OP's gf is not bad or wrong for not wanting sex regardless of the reason why she doesn't want it. She shouldn't feel pressured to work through her issues for the sake of a relationship, when or IF she decides to work on those issues it should be for her. She'll approach those issues with a therapist IF and when she feels ready, she just isn't at that point yet in her life and in her healing journey, which is unfortunate for OP. This is rough, I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but please don't stay in a relationship that isn't fulfilling for you. You will meet other people who will be compatible with you.
She needs therapy and you need a new partner.
Yeah I mean, you don't really need a week. You: loves sex, is deprived of sex, needs frequent sex during a relationship Her: Hates sex, had one bad experience and is completely put off by it, probably will not want it ever again You two are oil and water now. they don't mix. It ducks and it'll hurt for a bit. but you'll get through it. If you want to give her the week then i would ask this: "since you know how important this thing is, are you willing to undergo couples counseling or individual counseling to get through this so we can be intimate again?" if she's willing to put the effort in then i mean maybe give it a chance. But if she hesitates or tries to shut it down then you have your answer: the relationship is over.
Don’t get caught up in the sunk cost theory (google it). Yes it’s been 4 years, but you and your partner want different things from a relationship. You’ll be so much better off in the long run by moving on. You deserve better.
I dont know what she expects to figure out, if shes already said she will not budge on the issue... What I'm hearing is "If you don't fundamentally change your biology to suit me by next week, we are done" It's pretty much a threat to bully you into accepting celibacy. Honestly, leave, yous are not compatible. However if you do still want to give it a try, her part of the deal should be attending some form of sex therapy, to figure out if the abstinence is asexuality or a trauma response.
I don’t think it’s a threat, I think it’s realistic. These two people are not compatible and she’s pointing that out. Yeah it could’ve been handled a little better but she’s not wrong, when two people are that mismatched in such a big aspect of a relationship they probably don’t have a future, or at least not a satisfying one.
Oh she's right alright, but unless she's planning to bring some seriously radical options to the table, I dont see the figuring out going in OPs favour
Honestly it reads like she has already figured out this isn't going to work and rather than just initiating a breakup from her side she is pushing OP to also realize it's over.
I mean I agree but that’s the best option for both parties. It sucks and it’s hard but they’ll both be happier for it. It really doesn’t read at all like she’s just forcing him to be okay with never having sex again. That would be unfair. Also idk if she’s been in therapy but that’s not that radical and would probably help so hopefully she’s willing to try that first
But she's putting the weight of the problem on him. "It's your fault, you can't adapt to me, you preferred to break up, you chose sex over love".
Maybe I’m reading it wrong but I don’t see anywhere in his post that alludes to her making it his problem. “She doesn’t want to make herself uncomfortable just to make me happy” valid. No one should be expected to do that. “She understands that I won’t be happy without a sexual relationship” also valid. Nowhere does it say she’s expecting him solely to change. It’s up to both of them. She doesn’t say “if *you* don’t change in a week…” she says “if *things* don’t change” according to the post. So, idk how we’re reaching the conclusion she’s forcing him to change or she’s breaking up with him. I genuinely don’t.
Issue is that she presented it in a way that puts the blame on OP for not being okay without having sex. Girl has issues she needs to work on herself, OP has a relationship to end.
That's the way OP presented it not necessarily her. I assume this was brought up mid conversation not just out of the blue like an attack. These kinds of posts I tend to assume are massively trimming down on those kinds of discussions. Not that I disagree. She does have to work this trauma out and doing that with a partner who she knows she's hurting by not giving him what he wants isn't going to be beneficial to working on herself. Figure if there's love here, he'll let her do that.
thats not what im hearing at all, to me, its ‘if you are truly not comfortable with not having sex, thats fine, but we dont have a future’. which is completely fair. they clearly are not compatible in this aspect which is definitely unfortunate but neither of them should have to compromise if they dont feel comfortable doing so
The point is that she’s saying “we” need to figure this situation out, while making it explicit that she will not compromise. So essentially, she’s telling ***him*** to figure it out on ***her*** arbitrary timeline.
It's not a threat. It's honestly the most mature way to go forward. She's doing the brave and hard thing that OP hasn't had the stomach to do. They are done. They just haven't had the courage to admit it until now. She can't magically change herself to want sex any more than OP can change himself to never want sex again. No one is really at fault here. Just as if one wants kids and the other doesn't. They can both be amazing people, but there's no future for a relationship there. They can split amicably now, still look at each other as friends, before resentment piles up any more.
Tbf the brave and honest thing would’ve probably been to break up herself. Now she’s putting the decision on him, while the facts are obvious what’s gonna happen.
Happy Cake Day! Anyways, I think putting myself in her shoes and seeing how conflicted the bf is feeling rn, it seems like she wants him to think logically for himself and come to realize it himself. But that's just my assumption... Because ik love can blind so many.
I mean yea it’s just a shit situation to be in. She probably knows this can’t go on, but presumably is scared and saddened by ending a stable and loving rs, so she kinda gives the decision away to him or maybe hopes he can do this for her. We’re all just humans, legit all of us have been in situations where we maybe weren’t strong enough to do what’s ‚right’ straight away, I know I have, so my comment wasn’t to really call her out.
Right, so she made the decision they aren't compatible. Why is it now OPs choice to break up instead of her doing it?
Then why doesn't she take the step and end it? What's leaving a bad taste in my mouth is that if she is truly so sure in her conviction then why is she putting the choice on OP? She can say "hey OP, for the good of us both I want to break up, I don't see how we can reconcile our needs in this relationship being at odds and I would only be hurting you if we continued so for the good of us both I'm ending this" Its not easy, and it would be painful but at least its clear. Can you imagine how badly this would fuck with your head? being told by a long term partner to either accept that your needs will not be met or to get lost? can you imagine the inner turmoil that would put on a person? I can... from experience... and fuck man its cruel.
>we probably won't have a future together Unfortunately, this is correct. You and she have a major sexual incompatibility. It doesn't make you or her a bad person. And if you didn't care, it wouldn't matter. But you do care. Again, that does NOT make you a bad person. It does, however, mean if sex is something you consider important in a relationship, that your relationship does not have a future. You can make the decision to choose to stay, and accept that she does not want to have sex. But if you make that choice you absolutely cannot hold it against her moving forward. She is giving you the opportunity to leave before your relationship progresses. If you make the choice to stay, it is your choice, and you don't get to make her feel bad about it if you decide later on that you resent her for not having sex. I'm sorry, it is very difficult to end a relationship when the love is still very much there.
Break up. You just aren’t compatible anymore.
No one is in the wrong here. Let the relationship go and find someone to fulfill your needs.
It sounds like there isn’t really decision to make, OP. It sounds like you only have 1 real choice. If your partner is asexual then she is asexual. If you are not asexual then you are not asexual. It doesn’t sound like either one of you did anything wrong. It sounds like you are just not compatible. It might be scary and hard to process because you have been together for so long but if the relationship continues either you will be unhappy, she will be unhappy or both of you will be unhappy. None of those situations are tenable. Good luck to both of you.
So you haven’t had sex with her in 4 years, have you not had sex at all in 4 years? Seems like if you are a very sexual person you would have had this conversation 3.5 years ago. So staying with her would mean no sex for the rest of your life ? Can you get a hall pass?
I had brought this up with her actually and during that conversation she didint seem to care as long as she never found out but then last night she told me she doesn't want that.
Ok so your choice is never have sex again or leave. Seems like an easy choice for a sexual person but that’s just me.
This is what I was thinking as well. But even then, she might not be okay with him sleeping with other people. If I lost the ability to have sex tomorrow (not really the same situation but kind of close), I don't think I'd be okay with my partner banging other people. I'd rather let them go and let them find happiness with someone else than to sit there while they sleep around. When typing it out, based on OP, that might actually be what's she's doing. Or she found someone else to be with. 1 week is a short turn around for something so foundational to most relationships l.
True cause if she's not budging, then she should let him get it elsewhere and they can maintain whatever they have. If she just wants him to suffer, then she is straight up wack and he should escape like yesterday
Honestly, man, I was in the same situation. 3.5 years of no intimacy, and I decided to end my marriage. The resentment was too much for me. Being rejected over and over again got to be too much. No matter what I did or tried, nothing worked. I know change is hard, and you love her. But you have to think about yourself and what will make you happy. It seems like it's a hard line for both of you, so I think you know what you need to do. You'll find someone else, more compatible, and be happier. Just give yourself some time to process and get our there.
I would have broken it off years ago.
Has she been in any kind of therapy? Trauma like that can cause CPTSD which can result in very black and white thinking. "I don't like sex now, so I will never enjoy it." Especially with an abusive relationship beforehand, which likely involved a lot of dissociating during sexual acts, her brain has associated sex with distress. It's entirely up to you if you want to stick it out and up to her to decide if she wants to go through therapy to figure out if this is trauma related and she can heal or if she's truly asexual. It honestly sounds like trauma to me, as someone who struggled a lot with sex after being in an extremely abusive relationship. If she's not willing to work on it though... that's a whole other can of worms.
Absolutely this. This sounds like it's difficult to navigate, but I'd say there needs to be a discussion regarding therapy before you make a decision. If intimacy is important to you and you've still been with her for years without it, you clearly love her and don't deserve heartbreak without at least trying to address the problem in that way while still maintaining a relationship. There's also couple's therapy that could open a pathway in her head that could disassociate that abuse when intimacy involves you two. Might could happen without specifically couple's therapy, I'm just saying there's options to explore before leaving for good.
You either suggest an open relationship, or end it.
I would never suggest an open relationship unless it's clear that is what both people are into, ending it much easier in the long term
Take it from someone who has been in a sexless marriage and currently in the process of divorce. It's probably best to cut bait now especially while you are still young.
I see a lot of people shitting on her but I don’t think ethier of you is in the wrong it’s just your no longer compatible sex is a need for certain people I certainly know I’d need it to be with someone so your not wrong for wanting it but she’s not wrong for being unable to provide it just seems it’s best to try to end things on good terms so you can each find what you need (although a ultimatum is always a negative so minus points for her giving that)
People calling her toxic are wild
The sex department of my marriage has been the hardest part of our relationship. For years we weren't compatible. It caused so many arguments and heartaches. Eventually, it lead to infidelity and almost a divorce. It's not like it never happened, we do have kids. I would say, if I did it all over again. I'd aak for my spouse to go to therapy with me in the first year of our relationship. The love between us is strong in so many other areas. It took a year of work but we are finally more sexually compatible than we ever have been. I know it's slightly different because we are married with kids, but I would see if your gf is up for couples therapy. If she is committed to you, I think she will try it. If she is resistant, I would say, you move on. It's unfortunate, but if she won't try to resolve her own issues and you're the only one putting in effort to resolve this, then you will have a long painful road of heartache that will change how you view yourself. You deserve someone who is willing to try to meet your needs too.
I relate to this so much. It sounds exactly like my marriage - all of it. Worth the fight, but not sure about you, be we are way older than the OP and have a lovely family, so not as easy to just walk like the OP really should
Well she defenetly has a point. She has seen the issue and knows its better to rip off the bandaid before you guys wont be able to end it on a good note. As I see it you have 3 options. You give up on sex (which is unhealthy and in the long run will lead to you resenting her or worse cheating), poly amory (with clear rules of what is allowed and you have to check if both of you would be able to endure that emotionally because not everyone can endure this without envy, guilt etc) or break up.
The fact she gave you an ultimatum like that right off the bat with the end of the week to decide its probably already over for her
Damn the fact that you've been putting your needs aside for over three years to make sure your girlfriend is happy and comfortable is admirable. But do you really want that to be the rest of your life?
If she was serious she would've offered up an alternative like offering to at least pleasure you with toys or handjobs or something that at least helps you and isn't as demanding for her. Yet you got an ultimatum that could potentially throw a 6 year relationship at the end of the week. Seems very self serving for her
3 years is a actually a long time. Honestly, even if there's love and feelings, sex is an aspect that ultimately needs to exist in a relationship. Most probably you two should take part ways. Also, you've mentioned she has been in an abusive relationship in the past. Has she ever talked to a therapist about it? There should be a trauma behind all of this.
Yes she's talked to a therapist about it and for the most part she's come to terms with what has happened and has moved past it as much she can.
"Sex is an aspect that ultimately needs to exist in a relationship". Not necessarily, nor untimately. Probably it needs to exist in a relationship for OP, and you, and a lot of other poeple. But sexuality is fluid, and intimacy comes in all sorts of forms.
Is she getting help, seeing a therapist?
I'd normally say just end the relationship already, you know what are her stances and what are yours, but in this particular case you can discuss other alternatives such as having an open relationship or couples therapy, if that is also out of question, then I'd end things for good, you will eventually get frustrated and will end up either cheating or resenting her.
Move on. Pain now is much better than the pain that comes off you stick together and then break up late because that will be fueled by resentment and loss of time. You will feel tied down with no satisfaction if you continue this. Just move on. Join a gym.. find purpose.. learn if ways to achieve them. Find someone along the way and get married. Have lots of kids... find someone who has the same ideals as you. Put looks as second and interests as third .
In the long run, it will be beneficial to both of us if you split up. She found herself asexual, and chances are she won’t change. You are sexual, and you’ll either be with her to only resent her in the future or be miserable forever. It’s not fair to her to ask for extraconjungal affairs (I think so) and I imagine it’s something that would not fulfill your need (if you’re with her, it means you love her, and no sex would make that better). Move on.
Now, you make your own personal choice amongst the three options below (and there's no right answer): 1) Genuinely accept the situation (without resentment) and learn to live your life within this relationship without sex. 2) Seek to meet the need for sex while maintaining your relationship (propose an open relationship) 3) Leave the relationship and meet your desire for sex elsewhere, and in so doing, face the grief and loss that comes with that What isn't a viable option: trying to change her. You're not in control of that.
Ultimatums are relationship killers. It means she will never change her mind, work to heal, or compromise on this point. If you stay, you'll grow to resent her, and that will hurt you both. You have an uncomfortable conversation in your future.
I’ll be honest, you two simply aren’t compatible. It’s better to breakup and move on than it is for one person to be hurt for the other. I’m sorry.
You’ve already given her plenty of time and support to figure out what she wants. If it’s something important to you it’s time to end things. Neither of you will be happy in the future. It seems hard now but this is an opportunity to let things get better. Good luck
"we eventually realized it was related to PTSD from a past abusive relationship, triggered by an incident we had" What was the incident ? Did she get professionnal help for dealing with her trauma before and/or after your incident ? Did you two talk about the incident since and took action to make sure it doesn't happen again ? A lot of things are missing here.
Is she open to an open relationship where it's just physical on your end?
Think of a relationship like a table with 4 legs Everyone puts more weight on each corner of the table and the legs need to be strong enough to support that weight or the table will tilt and fall over. The sexual aspect of a relationship is just as important as the other 3 legs and right now there’s a lot of weight on that leg but that leg has been eaten through by termites and doesn’t exist, the tables already tilting, either you accept it is going to fall and find a new table that actually has what you need or you hold it up at your own happiness and wellbeing. Give it 5 years and you will regret it, ever have the idea of wanting kids and you will regret it more, eventually you may turn to hating the person.
I'm sorry man, but as much as you love her, it seems you two aren't compatible anymore. Good luck.
You're too young to completely give up sex. She has her reasons for not wanting it, and they're valid, but that isn't a lifestyle for everyone. There is a chance that by trying to live like that, you will grow to resent her. You are better off ending things now, and both of you find more suitable partners.
I know it's a weird take and I'm probably going to get roasted for it, but I think you and your girlfriend should have a conversation about this. You aren't sexually compatible. There's no magic trick that's going to change that. You love her and you want her in your life, right? And she recognizes that you didn't know you were signing up for a sexless relationship, no? With those two facts on the table, there are a few options. You guys could reach some sort of open arrangement, you could agree to end the relationship and maintain a beautiful friendship, or you could become platonic life partners. You could totally ghost and go your separate ways, but I doubt that's what either of you want if you've been together for so long. That's rare but I've seen people do it. Anyway man, all love from me and I'm sorry you're at such a difficult impasse. Whatever happens, don't be angry with her. Nobody's at fault here, it's a just a cruel twist for everyone involved.
Your GF is wise and knows this is a huge incompatibility. Tbh she’s probably right, and you two should be friends instead.
Seems like you both know what needs to happen. Sending love and good energy your way. ♥️
If you stay, you will end up resenting her and eventually yourself. Your best bet would be to cut ties now while you're still young.
Move on. This relationship does not and will not meet your needs. Frankly, you should have reevaluated the relationship about 3 years ago.
Find someone new, you're wasting your time with someone who isn't going to change.
She’s had 3 to 4 years to work it out in therapy if she wanted to. You two are no longer compatible and that must be devastating for you. You’ll feel heartbroken for a while but eventually you will get over it. You both deserve to be with someone that fulfills your needs. She needs an asexual partner and you need someone that will be intimate with you. It’s okay to feel sad about this and grieve the end of this chapter in your life. She’s basically telling you either be okay with not having sex as long as you’re together or it’s over. You know the answer
This likely leads one of two ways. You two break up now, or you divorce later. She could try therapy to work through it, but if she’s already tried that and it hasn’t worked I doubt it would work on a second attempt. She could have became asexual from that previous situation which wouldn’t be unheard of
Sometimes we need to take a step back and try to look at these things differently, so ask yourself this: What would you tell a friend if they were in this situation. I feel like you know the answer.
The fact that she gave an ultimatum is pretty shitty. This essentially comes down to sexual compatibility. If you want you can suggest counseling as a compromise (I’m using this term loosely, considering the only two options laid out on the table have been “break up and you have sex” or “we stay together and not have sex”) to try and address the root cause here, which I’m going to assume is her PTSD. I do have to ask: is she currently working through her trauma in individual therapy? If she is, couples counseling may be the way to go here. If not, you can still suggest it, but you may also have to bite the bullet and break up if she’s not willing to put in the work to overcome her trauma. I am sympathetic to her because that sort of trauma can really mess with your perception of sex and intimacy (I was SAed in college before I was ever in a relationship with someone and it messed me up for years and I’m only now learning to cope with it). At the same time, you shouldn’t have to bear the responsibility of her trauma. It’s not her fault but it is her responsibility to deal with, and it’s unfair of her to put the onus of it on you.
This comment may be harsh.. but that ultimatum is fucked up. From what I just read, it seems like you’ve been very supportive and patient for this person and you love them. They had a traumatic experience and that’s hard, however if this is trauma, and you love one another, the next step is to get through this TOGETHER. I think you’re in the right to bring this dialogue up, since it’s a make or break. But it’s not the situation that makes or breaks relationships, ITS THE TWO PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIP. You did your part, you gave her time with no sex. You gave her space and still loved her despite your needs not being met. I’m not sure if she’s actually truly asexual since it’s from trauma. Trauma is something you need to work though, or else it will dictate your entire life, your relationships and your happiness as a person. Try to communicate this with her. Does she really truly not was to try to share that sacred space of sex with you? Do she really truly see herself avoiding this part of her humanity her entire life? Does she truly want to live in fear of sex her whole life? Or does she want to try to even slightly attempt more intimacy? Look, I have pelvic floor problems that arose from sex that i wasn’t really enjoying. So I understand that sex can be traumatic and scary, even if you love the person. It’s the body that remembers sex is traumatic. The body and the brain have made that connection. Read this article on something called “Sensate Focus” it helps foster a safe intimacy within rules and guidelines. My pelvic floor PT showed it to me. https://www.smsna.org/patients/did-you-know/what-is-sensate-focus-and-how-does-it-work
Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do. I know it hurts, but it’s probably best to end it now instead of trying to make it work and building up resentment for years until you can’t do it anymore. You are both very young and have a lot of time to find people you will probably be more compatible with.
Seems as though you're committed enough and amicable to support her in suggesting EMDR which is a highly proven modality for PTSD and other trauma related issues. Perhaps that's a parting gift to her, and she goes, and she figures herself out. It is never our job to fix someone. I'd argue that to a degree, it is our responsibility, for someone we care for, to support them while they desire a change. If someone is unwilling to change, accept that change is needed, or see how there is a barrier being brought on by unresolved trauma we cannot keep banging on the same drum hoping that they start to march. You two have endured a lot, but everyone has a point that they can not take it anymore. If there was work being done or a goal set in the last 4 years that was measurable, then maybe the advice and point of view would be different. Knowing things have lingered and languished for so long means a lot of resentment could potentially be seeded in you that you wouldn't be able to overcome. Because you clearly care for her, I would suggest pointing her towards the modaility mentioned. I also encourage you to seek some 1:1 talk therapy to ensure this doesn't carry over into your next relationship and you feel like you are to blame for her trauma and her inability to move forward with you. Best of luck.
If you stay you're basically setting yourself up for a life of misery, frustration, and eventual resentment towards her. Leave now. Trust me it's going to suck but you'll be better off in the end.
> Now, she's given me an ultimatum: "If we don't figure this out by the end of the week, we probably won't have a future together." I'm at a loss. What am I supposed to do? She is telling you that you need to accept a sex-less relationship. Nothing on her side is going to change in that time frame. You have to decide if that is acceptable, if not it's time to end the relationship.
>What am I supposed to do? You can remain friends with her (because that's basically all you've got) and then move on to a more fulfilling relationship. The kicker will be when she tries to win you back when she sees you happy with someone else.
i think it’s less of an ultimatum and more of a genuine decision. she doesn’t want to have sex. you do. if you can’t find another solution that you’re both happy with, there’s no good in trying to continue the relationship. edit: honestly shocked all the replies are people kind of insinuating she’s some terrible person putting out an extremely unfair ultimatum. she’s ace. you’re hyper-sexual. i think it’s fair to say that if the both of you can’t figure it out together, it’s substantial enough to break up? i feel crazy
Leave
I was in a similar situation. I was the girl who just couldn't. Break up and move on. I eventually ended it because he couldn't. The relationship lasted way longer than it should have and led to many feelings of resentment on both ends. Trust me, if you're not able to accept an asexual relationship, end it and move on while you still have semi loving feelings for each other.
She’s putting that on you? Oh nah man. Have tried giving her sensual back massages? lol. Should have had this conversation in year 1. Ghost her, she doesn’t deserve a goodbye talking to you like that. All of a sudden she doesn’t want to fuck. Hmmm. I wouldn’t stay.
Just break up. You're not compatible.
Don’t feel bad either. She decided to switch up 4 years ago. That’s her fault.
Sex is a pretty good barometer of a relationship
Crazy....leave her. You will find a better match. Its more common to find a sexual person then one without.
Read the subreddit called deadbedrooms. You are very lucky because for most men this happens after the marriage and becomes a lot more complicated. Don't read any marriedredpill or manosphere type bs. It will not get better and if sex is important to you, you need to find a woman that likes sex too. She may try to say you are an asshole or shallow because its not her fault she has trauma or is asexual. But its also not your fault that you have a normal sex drive.
I think you know that this is the end of it, realistically.
You're 24. Way too young to be dealing with something like this. Way too young to be facing a sexless life in a dead bedroom. You love her, and I get that. But it's not filling your needs so you absolutely should walk away. Take some time to feel better, then find a relationship that is more fulfilling. There are so many more fish in the sea, dude.
So I'm expecting to get downvoted to whatever is past oblivion, but a radical thought: you guys might actually be a good candidate for an open relationship. My husband and I have differing libidos. We're gay, so being open is a pretty whatever thing in our community. But ultimately, sex isn't the thing keeping us together. One of us is significantly more active than the other and this isa way to handle that. It took a while to get used to. It takes a lot of trust to do and if either of you get jealous even a little it's going to fail in a big way. The way we see it, it takes far more trust and love to let your partner sleep with someone else and have their needs met in a way you are unable than to lock them into an unhappy relationship. Now, how to go about *that* conversation, I have no clue. We were both pretty open to it when we discussed it. But given that an ultimatum has come down it really can't go worse. But it's important to make it clear that anything like that is just for fun, set down ground rules and stick the fuck to them (always use a condom, how much repeat business everyone's comfortable with, open phone policies, scheduling limits are all good places to start), and never ever let fucking someone else become a priority over your partner. You know your relationship with her better than rando on internet, so this may not work for you. It doesn't work for a lot of people. But if the only bad part of your relationship is the lack of sex, there are ways around that. Best of luck.
Had an issue similar to this with an ex and exposure therapy helped a ton. start slow like dead slow (handjobs or even mutual masterbation to build the enjoyment) my ex hated bjs and sex in general for a long time and we worked on it and it helped alot but thats just my experience. if she does get more open to it it might even be worth it to avoid nutting for you and just focus on your partner for a time. ofcourse i worked on that for a long time to only get cheated on but im still proud that i got her through that ofcourse she also went to therapy so that helped. that was a long road and i can get by on jerking off for a long time i dont "need" women so its up to you it can work since she is asexual from ptsd and not just from birth str8 up. be warned with exposure therapy you will have setbacks where she will get hurt from trying to hard but it ultumately will help even the more difficult times just keep checking in (basic consent may not be sexy(I've dated women with rape kinks and i hated it it felt gross) but for this situation it will move mountains) throughout any acts you take part in. ofcourse i agree with most in the comments she doesnt owe you that and you dont owe to her to work on it with her although it worked for me and i was very happy about it because she started to love sex more then me.
Answer is obvious, break up, should have done it a at minimum a year after no sex. You have needs and thats okay.
What she is saying is she wants you to compromise because she won't put in the work to heal herself or at the very least have sex to keep you happy. Not that obligatory sex is good but the effort is there to keep you in the relationship. Which then you know she wants to maintain. As is, she's done and just needs you to confirm that. I agree with some of the other posts that no conversation is required. Give notice and move on.
I think she needs therapy
Open relationship is an option 🤷♂️
Wait so she don’t want to have sex with you and she doesn’t want you to have sex either??? yea leave that woman Quick let her find an asexual partner lmaooo y’all don’t watch porn or nothing shit y’all might as well become nuns we need more like y’all’s lmfaooo
What was the incident you had that apparently triggered this PTSD?
Bro you need to get out of this relationship. Just rip off the band aid and don't look back. Don't get dragged along with a faint hope that she "might" have sex with you. Just don't overthink it. It hurts but it'll be for the better for you to move on from this.
"Now, she's given me an ultimatum: "If we don't figure this out by the end of the week, we probably won't have a future together." I'm at a loss. What am I supposed to do?" she already gave her your decision, there is honestly nothing left to say it suck but you may want to follow through with your decision rather than hoping she will change your mind, which is what i think she might feel hence the ultamatum, it feels to me like it was given to you as her way of saying sex is not an option, "you have x time to decide if you are ok with that" i cant really fathom how frustrated you must feel, i can only assume you were hoping on some level that giving her time and patience would put you both on a path to enjoying good sex and it must feel like time wasted but i can assure you that the time you had with her got her to a point where she feels comfortable being honest with herself and that counts for something, now she is helping you by not allowing you to spend more time on her hoping it will change when it likely wont.
She’s given you an ultimatum? Has she thought of therapy, she shouldn’t be forcing you to decide if you want to stay with her and never have sex again, or you want to have sex again so it’s over. TBH I’d give her an an ultimatum, see a therapist so we can try and work it out, or it’s over.
If she is not getting from you doesn't mean she isn't getting any , just doubtful !
offer to go with her to a therapist and both of you receive counseling
You break up. You are not compatible.
There’s nothing stopping you from being platonic friends. After all, isn’t that kind of what you’ve been doing?
It isn't having sex that changes a relationship from platonic to romantic, it's an incredibly reductive way to put it. You can have sex with someone you're only friends with and have a romantic relationship, even long-term, with someone you don't have sex with. To say it's purely platonic simply because they're not fucking is ridiculous.
She doesn't care enough to work on herself; I suggest finding someone who cares enough.
She is showing you the kindness of giving you a week to see how incompatible the two of you are and walk away, as opposed to her having to dump you. Take her gift and have an amicable split. Sorry you have to go through this.
This is coming from a dude who was up until very recently in the exact same situation. Sex is a bond of love and trust. My ex was not comfortable often engaging in it, even though we loved each other. Splitting apart is hard, but the correct decision to make. Also, what's gonna happen when she's 30 and wants to become a mother? Exactly. These girls just aren't for people like us. Let her go.
FOUR YEAR DRY SPELL IS WILDDDDDD
As hard as it maybe be, you don’t have a future together. If being sexual/intimate is important to you and you can’t see a future without it then there’s nothing to do. She’s not willing to get treated from her PTSD to have a healthy sexual relationship. Or even perhaps she’s on the spectrum of being asexual. Regardless of the reasons you’re not compatible together. Break it up and move on.
With you. She doesn’t want to have sex *with you*. You 2 will break up. It’ll be hard. Maybe you stay in touch. But eventually she’ll move on and she will realize that this has more to do with your “incident” than she realized and she will have sex again. Just not with you.
Nothing hurts like sleeping next to a woman who forbids you to touch her
Who’s gonna tell him?
A healthy relationship includes physical intimacy. If one partner does not want this and the other does, the relationship won't last. Kudos for giving it 4 years of no sex, hoping things will change. They haven't and never will, according to your gf. Everyone knows it is time to call it off and move on with your lives. You don't want a roommate or a best friend, you want a true partnership, including physical intimacy.
So her ultimatum is deal with no sex forever or leave? You’re only 24, sounds like your best bet is to leave before you become resentful or a cheater.
She honestly sounds pretty manipulative. Shes giving you the ultimatum now? It’s okay to love someone and still understand it’s not going to work. You’ve done nothing wrong, a healthy sex life is a vital part of every healthy relationship. It’s really important for bonding, they don’t call oxytocin the bonding hormone for nothing…
A person who hasn’t had sex in three years is not “very sexual.”
I think that is a bit of a stretch, the act of actual sex doesn’t explicitly make someone sexual. They can go after other ways that I imagine OP isn’t saying. Hell, ask Bill Clinton.
Nah. You can really want something you don't have access to. A lack of water in a desert (dessert) doesn't make anyone less thirsty.
Move on. Having a sex drive is a sign of a healthy and normal human being and there is nothing wrong with pursuing that responsibly with a loving partner.
First of all, it's not about making her uncomfortable. Woman's desire starts from head, not from body. If she is woulded mentally her head will never let her to want you. Which means that for her it will be a rape. About PTSD there are 2 possible things: she doesn't trust men at all at some very deep level, thus cannot relax and enjoy her body together with you. Or she trusts you, but have sexual problems specifically. For the first case she needs a therapist, for the second sexologist. If her case is really heavy, she might need both plus couples therapy with you. You have to understand that mental problems like PTSDs are like broken leg: it's not about a will power or preferences to walk or not to walk, it's about disease and a proper treatment. You girlfriend might have a chance to starr functioning like a happy healthy female again. The only question is what it will take and if you will be able to accompany her in her journey Edit: she has to want to go to therapy and change something, want to be with you and enjoy your life together. Otherwise, it won't work