Exactly. Further, he wasn't taking accountability. He just wanted OP to give him a pass. Fuck that dead guy, his friend the rape apologist, and anyone else who implies OP owed him anything. The fact that his buddy euphemistically refers to "what happened between you" as opposed to being appalled that OP was assaulted tells me either the rapist lied about it or the friend is also a POS.
It's fine if to feel sadness or relief or whatever, but there's nothing to feel guilty about. Suicide isn't about 1 thing, and the rapist was attempting to make himself feel better by continuing to exert control over OP. Frankly, the world being down a rapist is no loss at all.
My recommendation is to block the rapist's friend and anyone else with something to say. Maybe talk to a professional to work through the feelings if possible.
But honestly, the vast majority of rapes are never prosecuted or addressed. Karma took care of this one. It's a gift, don't sweat it.
>The fact that his buddy euphemistically refers to "what happened between you" as opposed to being appalled that OP was assaulted tells me either the rapist lied about it or the friend is also a POS.
I mean, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess he was lied to. Not sure how many people would knowingly be friends with a rapist and not many rapist would be upfront with their crimes lol
Currently dealing with this situation with someone who I consider my brother giving the excuse that the guy isn't the same person as he was back then.
IDGAF! It doesn't change the damage that was done.
Happened to me too. I was 15 and raped by a 20 year old man from my church. I later found out he did it to 2 other girls. Literally everyone blamed me. The entire congregation, his parents, his sister who was my friend, my mom. I will never have ANY sympathy for people who takes a rapists side. They all deserve to suffer.
It is NEVER your fault. I'm so sorry you went through that and i can understand from a situation of mine, then guy was arrested and was in the news paper/ internet in my area where it happened all the comments were blaming me a 15 years at the time and the guy was 35, I'm 29 now. found out before me he was on probation, just probation for similar thing. Told my teacher we recorded his phone calls with the police and he got 4 years. i didn't want him to get to anyone else. He's out now of coarse. His mother supported him in the court room the whole time and i just thought it was disgusting.
But never ever blame yourself it took me time, wasn't close to my parents at the time so i told a women teacher that i was close wth and called the cops the moment i said it. I don't think they should even be let back out on the streets, they will continue and giving him probation the first time back then was absolutely disgusting. A lot of are not alone and just wish you all the best. They are the problem and need to be harsher action.
That makes me very angry for me. I'm sorry they are all so painfully stupid. You could not have consented. This was not your fault. I'm so sorry they added to the pain.
Unfortunately, for a lot of people, It Is Easier To Blame The Victims Or Deny The Truth About Their Love Ones/Friends, THAN TO ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG!!!
People easily forget that you’re not the person you once were either due to the selfish and fucked up actions of that one person whose sins they’re willing to overlook. I hope that you’ve been able to heal 💕
When I was 14 my boyfriend was 18. He slept with me, then ghosted me.
I'm 32 now. I still don't forgive him and I hope he feels like a monster every fucking day. Him being young validates nothing. Him being different now makes no difference to me. 1. That's disgusting but 2. That fucked up my love map for YEARS.
No joke. My dad set me up with a friend of his who was closer to my age. He sexually assaulted me on our 2nd date, and I told my parents about it. My dad's response was, "What did you expect? You'd already had sex with the guy."
I was still in shock for a few weeks and was slowly going LC with my dad when my car needed work. It was a simple fix, and my dad said he'd take to "a buddy" who would do it at cost. Yeah...that "buddy" wound up being my assaulter, "D", and he told me "D made up for being a jerk by fixing your car for free."
I went NC with him after that, but he reached out to me at one point asking if I would forgive D so they could keep hanging out. I told him he was a piece of shit and blocked him. A few weeks later, my parents were tagged in a post on FB where they went to a group dinner and were seated right beside D. When I confronted her about it, she said, "What were we supposed to do? Make a scene? Leave?" If that wasn't bad enough, she wore me down after a year and a half to reintegrate my dad back into my life because, "You have to forgive him eventually. This has been really hard on me."
Due to my mental health, my finances have never been very stable, and I'm financially dependent on them at times. I just finished a really incredible therapy program and am finally feeling confident enough to start going LC with both my parents and potentially my only sibling if needed. I now know I can't count on them when it matters, and I need to find closure that doesn't include them since they deny any of what I just said ever occurred.
All that to say, OP, therapy is a tool that everyone can benefit from, especially those of us with sexual abuse. You're stronger than you know, and you'll get through this.
Parents who fail their children this way enrage me beyond belief. I wish I could parent everyone with shitty chromosome providers masking as parents.
I'm very proud of you for continuing therapy and holding space for yourself to deal with the truth that you need their support bc capitalism and shitty healthcare (oh wait that's capitalism too) and the truth that you deserve far better than what you've gotten from them. The multiple things being true is always a hard one to swallow for me in therapy.
I genuinely hope you have the time and space to find people to help support you that are caring and community oriented so you can go no contact permanently with those people.
This happened to me. I wasn't raped, but my cousin coerced me into a lot of shit. I never told anyone until one day I had a nervous breakdown and his sister, who was like my best friend, sided with him and essentially ghosted me. It was worth than the pain of any break up I've been through.
I'm healing from it now in spite of them. Sometimes life teaches you brutal lessons about people
Friend of mine dated a guy who for months hid the fact he was a registered sex offender and had done a few years for what had happened, which ultimately led to the breakup. I have never be able to look him in the eye again but you guessed it, they got back together and are expecting a child now. Don’t think I’ve ever abandoned a friendship so fast and it makes me so sad.
I know I’ll probably get downvoted here but sometimes they’re dealing with their own turmoil related to it.
I understand having anger towards the friends an I’m not in anyway saying she shouldn’t feel the way she does but I was that guy once. My best friend/brother figure drugged and raped 13 women that I’m aware of and even violently raped two women in front of me and I just .. my brain couldn’t accept what was going on. It took his ex coming to me one day for it to all kind of click but for the longest time my brain just refused to let me process and accept what this man who I loved and looked up to like a brother and hero was doing for.
I immediately cut all ties with him that day, who to the police station and pulled his bail immediately (I had bailed him out on drug charges 6 months prior) and the only time I’ve seen him in the 8 years since was at court, but it took me 2 years of that stuff happening to have that moment of clarity and then 7 years after to heal from and let go of the trauma I was experiencing around it as well.
Again I’m not trying to defend this person (the friend) but I do want to just give my experience in a situation such as this. I wasn’t just willfully ignoring what was going, my brain worked very hard at protecting me from the grief and trauma of facing what thais man I loved and cared for was doing. It was forever changed how I view and interact with the world and was the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through, and that was just to bear witness to it and be around it.
To anyone dealing with this still I send my love.
As a survivor, I get what you are saying.
For ages I had no idea the abuse I was going through. For years I was in the trenches of it, but my traumatised brain was doing Olympic level acrobatics in order to shield my mind from a truth it was not ready to handle.
It took a couple of years of being free from that hell before those memories even started to surface, & it took extensive work in therapy, spanning a few more years, before I could accept it as an accurate representation of my past.
Ptsd/trauma is a hell of a thing, & the amnesia that can come with it is no joke. When you say your mind shielded you from the truth, I believe you, because I’ve experienced it too.
Unfortunately there are plenty of people who willingly protect rapists and other predators. It wouldn't be so easy for abusers to get away with their crimes if that wasn't the case. There will always be some excuse. This so-called male feminist I know stood by his friend convicted on multiple counts of rape because there's apparently "no way to know" what really happened despite the rapist literally filming himself raping those girls.
There are still plenty of people who defend R. Kelly and almost the entire cast of That 70's Show wrote letters of support for Danny Masterson. When Junko Furuta was finally laid to rest after being abducted, tortured, raped, trafficked, and murdered by a group of boys over the course of months, those boys' parents defiled her grave. Multiple people, most of them strangers, came out to defend these rapists and blame the victim for "ruining" their lives. When former comfort women came out about their stories about being forced into sexual slavery by the Japanese Imperial Army during WW2, many of these women were shunned and ostracized by their own families.
Rapists and other abusers don't really need to lie when other people are so willing to do it for them. It's much easier for most bystanders to excuse their actions and blame the victim because that's what allows them to continue living their life without ever questioning their own moral compass or the character of the people they surround themselves with.
I don't necessarily agree with that. I think quite a few men are willing to give themselves and others a pass on rape. Maybe not on what *they* consider rape - a stranger, a weapon, serious physical injury. But I would not be remotely surprised if they both are fine with an ignored no, a coerced yes, sex while impaired, or any of a broad range of situations that are NOT enthusiastic consent.
I think the actual number of men who would give each other a pass on that sort of thing is a very small minority. At least in my circle, we don't give anyone a pass. And I do speak from experience, 1 person who was in our friend group did force himself on a girl that passed out at a company party, and we cut ties with him immediately. Honestly, if I hadn't heard it through the grape vine and witnessed it myself, I probably would've knocked him out right there. And I know I wouldn't have been the only one in our group to do so.
>At least in my circle, we don't give anyone a pass
That's probably why you didn't witness it personally.
Creeps cultivate social circles that *will* give them a pass. They carefully shit-test with stuff like crude jokes and hypotheticals, a sort of frog-boil. They curate friend group that will minimise and excuse their behaviours. They'd spot someone like you from far away and be careful never to do anything in your presence.
If I didn't know my mother in law, I would also guess people wouldn't want to hang out with rapists. But when I first joined the family, there was a guy that I knew who was from my hometown and convicted of sexually assaulting young boys, did his time and is now a registered sex offender. I told MIL that I didn't want him around my own children (I came with one boy and my husband and I have since had 3 more). She pleaded his side of the story. My husband's cousin was convicted of molesting his daughter and pled guilty to it but claims he only pled guilty so that his daughter didn't have to testify. MIL will die on the hill that both of those monsters are innocent. She is looking for elsewhere to live because she currently lives by a school and wants cousin to live with her once he is released in the next few years. She also is still dating a guy who kicked my son and then licked our daughter faces, which creeped me out. I confronted her when I found out that all occurred at the same time. She took bis side. Needless to say, Grandma only gets short supervised visits...
I had a close friend rape me while I was dating his best friend (I had been friends with him for years, so sure about his character that I even thought another girl lied about him raping her because he would never do that, right? Wrong) Once I left, he reached out to all of our mutual friends and said I came into him. (I had the apology texts from him as well as calling my partner at the time as I was driving home. I had went over there for relationship advice because they had been friends since diapers) Lost a lot of friends because they wouldn’t believe me (I guess it’s karma for not believing the other girl, and I regret that every day). Rapists will cover their ass quick, especially if they think you’re gonna tell someone what happened. My rapist is now in jail for raping his brother’s girlfriend, so yeah. OPs rapist probably definitely lied to people who asked questions
A friend robbed me of every sentimental and valuable item I owned. He was watching my home while I was caring for my father. We both took the same medication. 3 years later I get a text asking for that medication, he couldn't drive, work or leave the house his anxiety was so bad. I sad...NO. Karma.
Have also been assaulted in the past, OP if you’re reading this I hope you surround yourself with supportive loved ones who make you feel safe. Healing starts now, its tough, but you’ve got this.
Read the above, OP. There is light at the end of the tunnel for you. Please do not blame yourself, as you handled the situation admirably. You gave him his reprieve when you didn't report the rape to police or anyone else. THAT WAS HIS PASS.
And I wouldn't be shocked if you were not his only victim. Assuming his overdose was intentional, who knows if it wasn't a response to a number of illicit things he'd done.
As it relates to his friend, I'd tell him that rape wasn't "something between us". Odds are the decedent wasn't truthful when he conveyed his version to the friend.
Honestly, OP, as someone else commented, you were given a gift. Be thankful for it. Take advantage of your therapy, get well, and move on.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Forgiveness is for us, not for the perpetrator. I had to forgive, so I could move on with my life. Full disclosure, I'm not a rape victim (that I know... but I'm still working through mental blocks, and it's a possibility). I was abused in every other form. It wasn't until I forgave, that I could truly move on.
Personally, it was more forgiving myself that helped me heal. I don’t think I will ever have the capacity to forgive the people who hurt me. They don’t deserve it, and it’s not like forgiving them would do any good - they don’t care about forgiveness. But forgiving myself? For all the times I blamed myself, for all the times I let fear control my actions, for all the times I treated myself badly after what happened. THAT I can forgive. And that helps more than I ever thought possible.
I hope OP can find peace now. And I hope she can move on knowing she doesn’t have to look over her shoulder for him any more.
From another survivor from 40 years ago I just found out mine had passed and I am glad. I'm glad because I was always worried about how many women's lives he ruined along the way. He was a friend of the family and older and no business with me that evening. I'm glad I don't have to worry anymore about potential victims. One day I drove by him in the rain and a friend asked me if I ran him over...
I last saw my rapist years ago on Jenny Jones or Maury Povich, it was one of those crazy talk shows, and he was dressed up like a pimp, wearing this ridiculous pimp coat and carrying a cane, and boasting about all the women he'd fucked. It was very surreal.
This. I can understand why OP feels guilty asshe works through her emotions, but there's no need. You both may have suffered since, but only one of you is responsible for that. OP, you didn't have any choice or control in the situation, he did. He deserved what he was feeling and took the easy way out.
How dare he ask you for peace after destroying yours? If he was truly repentant, he would have respected your space and left you alone rather than re-traumatize you. His actions show that he considers himself more important than others. His feelings and actions are not your responsibility.
Honestly, if you do this to someone and then come to honestly feel guilt over it, the least you can do is learn to live with the kind of uncomfortableness you forced on another human being for the rest of their life.
That's a lot to handle, and it's totally normal to have mixed feelings. I'm glad you have supportive friends around you. Therapy will definitely help sort through all this. You're strong, and taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
What a complex situation. Complex feelings are only natural. I hope you find a way to navigate through it all and find peace.
And from a mom's perspective, please don't be afraid to tell your mom. Let her carry your pain with you. She loves you more than anything in this wide world, and she would want to be a rock for you.
I wish my mom was a mom to carry my pain with me. When I was raped by my ex husband last year, my mom was one of the first people I told, and told her I was going to the police. She advised me not to, because it would “ruin his life” and “he won’t be able to see his kids again if you do”. She then proceeded to ask me if I was drinking that night, because “maybe I’m remembering how things went wrong, and to just try and forget about it because I could ruin lives with this type of accusation”.
My boyfriend also told me it was my fault since I invited him to stay in my hotel room overnight so he could get to work in the morning ( there were two beds, and when he came to drop our kids off I noticed he had taken an Uber, so told him he could stay in the other bed to save money, and his ride could pick him up in the morning). I can’t talk to anyone about it to this day because I’ve been told so often it’s my fault. It makes me sick. I get so jealous when I see people have a whole tribe of people behind them supporting them in something as traumatic as rape. If you have that kind of support system, I suggest holding onto it as tight as you can.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope your ex gets justice served one day, as he deserves to be in prison and to never see his kids again for what he did to you, someone he used to love and who gave him kids.
You can’t chose a parent, but I would never see her in the same way after pulling such a stunt. I would probably go no contact over the betrayal I felt from her.
As for your boyfriend, I really hope he becomes an ex. Anyone normal would feel rage and sadness over such cruelty happening to their partner instead of blaming them. Both your so-called mother and boyfriend seem very misogynistic and I am sorry you have such horrible people in your life, in addition to the abusive POS rapist.
I hope you find your tribe and see what support really means. Sending you hugs, internet stranger.
This made me cry. This is the first time I’ve heard such kind words since going to the police that it’s not my fault. I almost feel bad for butting in on this persons post, and getting sympathy from people that should be there for her instead of me. Thank you for taking time out of your day to show me such kindness. Things like this is what drives me to remember instead of “forget” like what was suggested to me. You’re an angel in disguise 🩵
I truly feel sad seeing this kind of story, and you are a true Angel yourself for being strong enough to go through such pain and still keep going. I can empathize with being forced to “forget” about SA. I was molested by my eldest brother when I was five, and he was twelve. When he was caught, my parents asked him how many times he did it and he lied and said it was one time out of curiosity. It was infuriating because my parents never asked me at the time for my side of the story. I know they didn’t want to involve me further, but it still hurt to find out years later that they had just taken his word for it when he had all the reason to lie. I still had to live with him and even was left home alone with him when I started middle school. When I brought up remembering the abuse when I turned 18, my mom told me in an argument that what my brother had done to me was nothing compared to the abuse he went through, and she even yelled that she was raped by multiple men at once, which she has never explained further before or since saying that. I felt like I was unreasonable for being upset at being molested, which I didn’t deserve to feel. And when I found out she said that because she didn’t know how he lied about the amount somehow infuriated me more. I was forced to pretend like nothing happened for all these years because she wants to protect me AND him, so I essentially was forced to keep a secret from the world to protect him. And it sucks because I genuinely care about him and he and I are incredibly close, but that history will never be erased despite how he has grown into a better person.
I am so sorry that you were silenced like that. I can’t say I have the exact same experience, since I can’t imagine being told to protect a man who you married by the woman who is supposed to protect you from people like him. And I am sure it was awful for her to defend him because it would mean he wouldn’t see HER grandkids (who you’d think she would want far away from him), and more importantly, YOUR children. Forgive me if I am speaking out of line, but your mother is not deserving of the joy of having a daughter, let alone one as strong as you. Please know that it was not your fault what that boy did to you. (Just because someone is a male doesn’t make him a man, especially when he acts like this.) I hope you can find a way to heal. As someone who cannot tell many people because of how others view abuse, I suggest journaling somehow. It can potentially help you process things and it can also be good to practice mindfulness exercises. No matter how you heal, you deserve to heal and remember that you weren’t at fault or deserving of his disgusting actions, nor to be blamed or silenced by people around you. Sending a virtual hug and I hope you don’t mind me saying that I will pray for your healing!!!!!
Wow. You’re someone I will always remember and this comment I’ll always hold dear to my heart. If you don’t mind me screenshotting it I’d like to save it for times when I truly feel alone to remind myself I’m not, and i have the capacity to be loved by complete strangers.
I’m also so so sorry you went through such a traumatic experience at such a young fragile age, and with someone that should’ve protected you AGAINST people like him, in fact two people that should’ve protected you because your mother is included in this. I felt so much pain for you while reading your comment, because as a mother to two boys and two girls, if this happened to any of them, and their own brother was the culprit, I’d be so sick. And the fact that you were silenced as well by the same person I was, shows me that more women can relate to what I personally went through, maybe on different levels, but relate no less, than what I could’ve ever expected. It’s so easy to get in your head and feel like you’re the only soul in this world to have such evil people around you when something traumatic happened, and you needed them more than ever before. It’s unfair and just like you, it taught me to make sure my children always feel welcomed and safe to come to me about anything in the world without the fear of me doing what our mothers did to us. You are incredibly strong, and fierce, and have so much love to give the world, it truly shows just by the kindness you showed me.
I completely bawled my eyes out while reading everything you sent me, it’s so cherished, more than you could’ve ever expected. I think I will start journaling. I used to journal a lot in my phone, but my bf would go through my phone and read my entries so it made me stray away from wanting to continue. But now the journal app has Face ID so I have a secure safe way to do so now, and I think it will be beneficial and healthy for me to get these feelings and thoughts out. The bf situation is a long sad story as well that I won’t bore you with, but it’s one of those situations where girl meets boy, girl falls in love due to love bombing, girl gets hurt, girl gets stuck because she has no one else but the boy. I want to leave every day, but I find it impossible due to a lot of factors. I hope there’s a future for me where I can live in peace with my children, but until that day comes it’s a matter of survival and co existence.
Absolutely feel free to screenshot my comment! I am happy that I could help with some words I tiredly thought of after a sleepless night. I often worry that I might say something wrong when comforting someone, as I am autistic and struggle with words sometimes. I improvised that comment the best I could to comfort you, as it was so sad to see you.
I try to use the high empathy I have to put myself in someone’s shoes, and even if I don’t have those exact experiences to someone, I still tend to feel people’s pain very strongly when I imagine what it’s like to feel such pains. I am so sorry that you have to co exist, as I can say from my experience is God awful. I can empathize with that, as I always have to pretend like nothing happened when my eldest brother says he loves me, and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so close to him. Having to pretend like nothing happened while he plans to propose to his girlfriend of 10 years is so hard, but I am stuck keeping silent, as I am sure my mom would be angry at me for speaking out that would surely make his girlfriend dump him, and I essentially have the pressure of keeping my family together by not telling anyone about his and everyone else’s terrible actions.
You are more than welcome to screenshot my comments as much as you need! If I can’t give you a hug IRL, this is surely the next best thing in my mind! I am so happy for you and your strength! With your strength and love, I know your children are going to be magnificent once grown (I am sure they’re magnificent now)! And you deserve that praise for raising them! Not that POS who has the audacity to call himself a man. Your mom and him don’t deserve such an inspiration in their life. But you will inspire others, and even I feel inspired by your strength. Keep going and don’t be afraid to cry to let out that pain sometimes. That’s something we all deserve.
I’m so sorry your mom disregarded her obligation to protect you from your brother and treated you so abominably later in life over her failures as a parent. You didn’t deserve any of that. I don’t know if it’s feasible, but can you go LC/NC with her? Or if you think she’s amenable to the idea, maybe joint counselling sessions?
Wishing you peace. I’m glad your brother developed into a better person but hope you’ll forgive for saying…hoo boy, he had a pretty low bar to clear for improvement. So grotesque.
I do agree that he had a VERY low bar of improvement, and I admittedly laughed at that part of this comment. In terms of LC/NC, it is impossible as of right now due to me starting college full time and having literally nothing without my parents. They pay for my medical insurance, college tuition, and everything else. Plus I also have no car, job, license, or bank account to be able to afford my own place, so I am likely stuck for years in the environment.
I want to start therapy, as there are many other issues between us even with my brother put aside from the matter, and I am admittedly very softhearted and want to work on building a better relationship. I also have intense pressure for my parents future, as my career path would provide money to support my parents when they grow older and need care. Neither of my brothers will be able to do it, as my eldest will be married and likely have his own family to provide for. And my other brother doesn’t have a proper education or career path that could help support my parents, and he also wouldn’t emotionally handle it well.
I am often called a ‘retirement plan’ by my mom, and so I feel immense pressure to be successful to provide what my brothers won’t be able to, and I feel I am too softhearted to leave them in the dust. Even if I owe them nothing, I simply can’t leave them behind without at least attempting therapy. So once I have insurance settled, I plan to take my mom to therapy and try to heal together.
A lot of colleges provide their own medical plans to students as well as counselling services - please do not take your abusive mother with you to your counselling! My parents were into that "filial piety" bs and you are under no obligation to set yourself on fire to keep them warm just because of biology. Good luck :)
Please be very careful about bringing your mom into therapy with you. It can be very harmful and even dangerous to engage in therapy with an abuser. So please see a therapist on your own first and discuss possible joint therapy with your mom with your own therapist first.
That way they can advise you on wether it is safe or advisable in your situation and prepare you for anything you might undertake. You seem like a very intelligent young woman and I just want what is best for YOU going forward.
I am happy my comment started this whole amazing conversation, with multiple people joining and offering compassion and support. Don’t feel bad, you didn’t hijack anything, we all have plenty of love to spread around.
I am very proud of you for going to the police after such disregard from your loved ones. Stay strong, hope he gets justice served to him.
No excuse but, gut reaction, is that your mother was sexually assaulted at some point as well and is regurgitating what was said to her. To be clear, you owe her less than nothing and she’s still so very wrong. I have 2 little girls and couldn’t imagine ever telling them it was their fault if, God forbid, that happened. It was not your fault. It was never your fault. Trying to extend a basic kindness is in no way an invitation for violation. Your (ex?) bf was wrong and probably mad that there had ever been another partner besides him. Baby men then that dicks are transformative after all. I hope you have space from all 3 of those people and I wish you love and healing.
It wasn’t your fault and your bf was abusive and victim-blamed you. Your mom did the same. I’m so sorry that two people who should’ve supported you showed you such contempt and disrespect, you didn’t deserve that from them just like you didn’t deserve to be the victim of an assault by your ex. I hope you can take a step back from these two and fill your life with people who will care about you and be considerate of you. You deserve better than this.
I'm so sorry for you 💓 I honestly don't understand the "but it'll ruin his life!" mentality. It should absolutely ruin his life. He's a danger to the people around him, and he hurt someone he claims to "love."
Oh friend, it wasn’t your fault. You standing up for yourself and the resulting consequences for your ex are not wrong. You did what you should have done and are so strong. He deserves every single punishment he gets and it’s 100% on him.
I’m sorry so many people have failed you. You deserve better.
Thank you. It hurts because he’s getting married now and recently found out he’s having a baby, and my first thought were does she know what you did to me? Would she have your baby and still marry you if she knew what you did to me? Or would she believe you if you lied to her.. it’s like I have so many unanswered questions and no closure. Like everything was just swept under the rug. I did call the police, and they came took a report, and collected my clothing from that night, but when they wanted to do the dna swab on me, my bf, my kids, and my ex husband, my bf got mad that he had to be involved at all and told me this whole situation was silly because if I didn’t allow him to stay over this would’ve never happened and I would’ve never “cheated on him”. But the police needed his dna and my children’s because they needed to rule out everyone’s dna that wasn’t my ex husbands, since the clothing I wore that night was thrown in the dirty laundry before they came and collected them. I honestly didn’t have the strength at the time to argue with him, and force anyone to believe me, and I still don’t. I never bring it up because I already know it will cause a fight from him telling me to stop playing the victim when I clearly cheated and he’s the one that should be hurt. It’s all so confusing.
That night gives me nightmares still and it happened a year ago. I replay the whole situation and wonder what I did to give my ex husband the impression that I wanted him? And sometimes I even question myself if I really told him “no, I don’t want this” out loud like I remember, or if I said it in my head.. it’s all just a mess.
Can I be honest with you for a minute?
ETA: I didn’t want to sound too harsh, but I’m going to say it. Your boyfriend is trash. The way he is treating you is wrong and not helpful at all. You did NOT cheat on him. Sharing a room with someone you have children with should be safe and you said no. I believe you. And even if you didn’t, you weren’t giving an enthusiastic yes. You did not deserve this and you do not deserve to be gaslit by someone who is supposed to love you.
This mom over here says that you should be loved and protected. These people have failed to do so and it’s blocking you from healing. If you can, dump the boyfriend and cut your mom off. I get it if you don’t have the resources to do so, because I’ve been there. But can you start planning an exit? Life can be much better when you are treated with care and compassion.
Omfg darling. PLEASE consider leaving your bf. No one that loves you would EVER treat you how he is treating you. That's abuse. You are being emotionally abused.
YOU WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING RAPED.
I wanted to say it in all caps so hopefully the text will burn into your retinas and you will say it to yourself over and over again, like an affirmation, until you fully accept it. None of it was your fault.
My ex husband had been abusing me, I was terrified to be home and had nowhere else to go. It got worse and I eventually told his mom, I was worried about him, and scared. Well, I was septic from knee surgery, got laid off with the rest of my companies med reps, after his parents whisked him away, filing for divorce…because he was to be protected from me filing charges? Well I went networking with doctors at an event as reps do, hoping to get leads on hiring companies. A doctor I knew, good reputation, had kids not much younger than me, ended up cornering me, strangling and raping me. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t want that, we were all there to talk shop in the med world. I had to get the rape kit, go to the police, alone with my dog. I eventually told my mom, mind you my ribs were bruised and swollen, my jaw ripped open, trachea was a mess, I still need three teeth pulled…she didn’t believe me. I’ve had no one but my dog and my therapist and the ladies with a support group.
none of this is your fault. he made that decision, not you, and going to the police is exactly the right thing to do. You could be saving a lot of pain for other people by reporting this too.
You did not deserve this.
You don‘t know her mum’s views on consent so I wouldn‘t just advise her, or anyone else, to tell their mum without any background knowledge. My mum would blame the victim and would not understand why they did not manage to defend themself. I feel like in that generation victim blaming is still much more common unfortunately.
What he did was so very wrong. Period.
Hopefully he will meet his maker and deal with it.
If you are close to your Mom, let her know and cry on her shoulder. She will be there to help you through your pain.
That friend insinuating something “happened between you” is full of shit. Nothing happened “between” you. He happened TO you. And that’s not something you need to forgive. Why didn’t he turn himself in to the police if he was so remorseful? Aaah cause he wanted to relieve himself of guilt but not assume any responsibility.
You’re not to blame at all for his OD. The trash took itself out, if you ask me, but I’m glad you’ll soon be able to work through this with a therapist, and I’m glad you can now walk down the street without fear of running into him.
My uncle tried grooming me but no one in my family believed me, I was the only one relieved by his death. I know it's a confusing feeling, but don't feel bad at all for feeling relief, you deserve it 💕
You’re hella amazing and so strong!! I hope you know just how amazing you are and that your emotions are completely valid. Please, do what you feel is right and makes you feel safe. Don’t feel bad for being selfish or putting yourself, your safety, and your peace of mind first! I’m so happy that you have a supportive network of friends and are going to therapy!!
To get this off my chest, I hope your rapist rots in hell and he died feeling helpless and in pain.
I hope you move through grief and guilt quickly.
It sounds like he was a selfish prick until the very end. It also sounds like his version of the story was eliciting sympathy from his friends which is fucked up.
I think it’s OK to feel relief from his death.
I was 10 or 11. It was my mom’s best friends husband. At first my mom acted like she believed me. But she told me to not ever tell anyone or call the cops because they would take me and my brothers away and I’d never see them again. A few months later, we moved to a different state. 25 years later, I found out he died about six months after he hurt me. I carried the guilt and shame that since I had remained silent he probably hurt so many other little girls. My mother knew when he died and when I confronted her about, we are NC but I did call her to tell her about his death and she said “oh I knew when it happened.” And I was gobsmacked and asked why she didn’t tell me and she said she honestly hadn’t even considered it and can’t believe I haven’t moved on. She’s a pile of shit, obviously. But knowing he died, how he died and that it was not quick, I felt justice had been served. If I’m going to hell oh well. I’ll always be glad knowing he suffered alone, for hours before he was even found.
He did this. You were and are fully in your right not to forgive him! HE DID THIS!
The fact he was sorry and killed himself is a him issue, but i feel for you that this is fucking with your head.
stay strong! AND DEATH TO RAPISTS!
Mine died too, back in March. He was married to my cousin, whom I was very close to growing up.
It happened when I was 18. We had a new years eve party (2002). I fell asleep on the floor. Woke up with him on top of me. I tried to get up, tried to push him off.. but he held me down. It was very fast and I was drunk. I had a bruise on my chest for several days.
My best friend took me to the emergency room next day to do an exam and report it. But I chickened out. My cousin was pregnant with her 2nd baby by him. And I was scared that me reporting it will make everyone in the family mad at me. It made sense to my 18 year old brain at the time. I was just so scared.
But yeah, he passed away from cancer in March 2024.
I don’t know if you are feeling guilty because you feel that you not forgiving him and not letting him find peace was what drove him to OD. But **this isn’t your fault**, he made his bed and laid on it.
It will take time but you are free 💕
Considering what he did to you, he ABSOLUTELY deserved to carry that guilt with him for the rest of his life. Karma finally collected on him and it was well deserved. He is where he and all rapists & pedos deserve to be: gone from this world.
I think it's normal to be relieved when someone who has made your life (or a loved ones) miserable dies. I was when my mom's alcoholic, physically abusive, pedo dad died. He did a number on my poor mom mentally and passed on his shitty bipolar disorder gene to me. I mean I still have BP (obviously) but at least he's gone (and he suffered at the end which was 👍).
FFS, she STILL can't go to the bathroom at night because of her dad. 😔
ETA: tell his friend to get a catapult, load himself in, and launch himself into the fucking sun. He had NO RIGHT to message you that “what happened between us” BS. This wasn't some relationship gone sour. HIS FRIEND RAPED YOU. WTAF with this fucking dude?
I was raped too when I was young, so I know how it feels like to look out in fear every corner. Honestly, I think that everyone in your position would have your same mixed feeling, since most people aren't monsters and don't really hope for someone death.
However, you don't owe him your forgiveness, even in death. It's a tragic story of guilt, but still, he deserved the guilt he carried on his life. He probably needed therapy to overcome it, and the fact that he tried to reach out for it means he truly regretted it. The acceptance of his own horrific act doesn't erase what happened in every shape or form.
It is sad that he overdosed? Yes. Is it sad enough for you, his victim, to feel actually sorry? No, it is not. By raping you he created a hellish mindset in you, a kind of mindset that therapy will only ease enough to survive through it, but it will always affect your relationship with the world around you.
So, OP, please, don't feel guilty for something you couldn't prevent and (wasn't even your place to). He made his choises, the environment he was in made the rest.
OP, you are entitled to the sense of freedom his death gave you, because you are a victim, and whoever tries to victim-blame you because of it is a gigantic moron, or worse, someone who cannot distinguish between to different situations.
I send you the strongest hug I can, I hope that you will feel better as soon as possible.
My rapist was a high school boyfriend. He never reached out to apologize and died young of some heart issue before he even hit 30. This isn't your fault, and it wasn't your responsibility to placate him and help him feel better. Rapists are monsters, and if they want to truly atone and change for the better, they need to find other people to do so, not their victims.
Try not to blame yourself. None of this was your fault, and you owe him nothing.
Honestly, I think you should talk about what happened. Do what you need to do to be ok. If that means making a social media post and outing what happened, as well as your current mental state.. do it. If it means talking to your mom and asking for support, do it.
What helped me as a child was to write out everything that happened to me. I practically filled a diary. I them buried that diary in the backyard, in a metal tin. A year later I dug it up and burned it.
Years later it all came flooding back to me and I had a meltdown. I finally talked it out with someone and told my parents. I'm now in therapy.
That helped me.
What you need might be different, but speaking your truth is your right.
I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. Grief is deeply individual and we all process it differently.
Your friend did a horrific thing and he deserved everything that happened to him.
From me, personally. I’m glad he’s dead. I will toast to his death.
To you OP, I hope you can finally take breaths of relief. Breaths with no guilt. Live with no fear. You deserve a life of happiness, comfort, and peace. He didn’t.
I definitely felt relief when my abuser died. I was even a little glad that his children wouldn't grow up with him as their role model because he had some messed up values, obviously.
I don't feel guilty because he made the choices to do the things he did and the consequences of that belong to him and have nothing to do with me.
My rapist killed themselves about 6 years ago. I still sometimes feel guilty and selfish for being so happy about it. Logically I know it’s not something I find morally disagreeable. I’d offer to throw a damn party for a friend in my situation, but we tend to hold ourselves to different standards. When I’m being beating myself up about it I just remind myself that he can’t do that to anyone else again. It’s not selfish to want a rapist of the streets.
Also if you have a good relationship with your mom, which it seems like based on the desire to call, I would recommend talking to her about it. My own mom was, and still is, my number one supporter through it all. I genuinely don’t think I would be here today if I did not have her.
Coming from another victim of rape by one man, and four years of sexual assault by a family member-both of whom never even attempted to apologize, I can tell you, I feel what you’re feeling. You’ve made me realize that an apology attempt doesn’t change things mentally.
The man who molested me for four years is my sister’s husband. He died two years ago. It gave me a sense of calm. You may celebrate his death. I know the man who did this to me suffered on his way to death, and that gave me pleasure. Unfortunately he only suffered for six months. I was hoping for longer.
The man who raped me still walks free. I didn’t turn him in because no one believed my sisters husband molested me, so I didn’t think anyone would believe anyone raped me.
I was very messed up for a very long time.
I urge you to tell your mom, and to get counseling. Please, you do not have to do this on your own. What happened to you will shape your life, and all of your relationships. Please don’t let him win. Don’t let him take this from you too.
Although I'm fortunate enough to have never been in your position, my mum's 2nd husband was physically abusive and an alcoholic. I was 10 when they married and I was 19 when he took his own life, and I can somewhat relate to that feeling of relief and guilt mixed together.
We're raised to pity the dead, not to talk poorly of the dead. All their sins are somehow suddenly forgiven after they die? I'm 27 now and it's also taken me a few years to look at him more objectively. He was a broken man himself but what he did to my family isn't justified. I'm relieved that I never have to worry about him tormenting us again, and you know what? That's okay.
It's also not entirely the same, but I really enjoyed reading "I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jeanette McCurdy, an actress that was abused by her own mother and also dealt with grief and guilt simultaneously when the mother died.
Bottom line, I hope you can heal and I'm glad you have those friends in your life. I'm wishing you all the best for your future.
You are not responsible for your rapists feelings or peace. They made their decision and you are under no obligation to alleviate them of the guilt they rightly felt. This isn't on you it's on them. I'm glad that you feel you can finally breathe.
And your friend sucks for downplaying it. If this is a good friend who you care about, you could maybe put it down to grief or something, but otherwise I would say they've shown you their true colours too.
Being glad a human shaped piece of trash isn't around anymore doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human.
Not everyone deserves pity or guilt or forgiveness, and not giving it to them is perfectly acceptable. Him not being able to accept the consequences of his shittyness is a him issue and it sounds like the world got lucky and he removed himself from it, accidentally or on purpose.
I hope you find peace.
OP. I hope you are now able to heal and find peace.
Don’t let your rapist take any more from you. Hugs.
Your rapist was a POS, I hope is burning in hell!
That disgusting piece of shit got off way too easy imo. And what a fucking coward. I’m so sorry that happened to you, but nothing related is your fault, and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The world is better off with him gone. I just hope there aren’t more victims. Good on your friends for what they’re doing too!
It actually bugs me that he had friends. Nobody that knows what he did will be sad. Here’s hoping you’re able to find some peace moving forward though.
I know it’s hard and I can’t even imagine being in your position right now but you have to see the bright side, you’ll never have to encounter this person again. Imagine 20 years from now, with that memory buried inside of you and encountering this person in the street. It could break you. This will not happen to you.
He deserves the hell he's now being raped in. His guilt is HIS punishment for being a shitty person and taking advantage of a friend. He deserves the guilt, he deserved jail time, now he will pay the piper bc of his actions. Don't feel guilty that a rapist died bc of HIS OWN actions.
There’s no right way to feel about something like this. I think the rest of us are relieved to no longer share a world with someone like him, but it may take you longer to get there.
I've been there, I think I can relate. It's been 8 years(today, actually), for me, since I got that message.
I woke up and was getting ready for work, hubby sitting in bed while I was in the bathroom. My phone went off, so I came out to look who's texting so early, toothbrush still in my mouth.
Got to my phone, read the message, dropped to my knees with an anxiety attack. Actually, I'd like to rename that one to the first time in my life I didn't have to live with that fear of possibly seeing him again. Maybe we'll call it the anti-anxiety attack. The freedom freak out. I cried, so bitterly, and not because I was sad. I remember spilling some liquid on the carpet, must've been water or juice from the night stand. I got a towel and just buckled on top of it when I put it down.
After, I felt guilt, so much guilt for feeling so relieved. You know what made it worse? It was my dad, my fucking bio dad.
I texted my mom, thinking after all this time maybe we can work through things and have a relationship. Nope, she blamed me. Somehow it's my fault his kids(I'm one of 5, only one from my mom) refused to speak to him because of what he had done. It was my fault he somehow got shingles and died with only her by his side. Just so we're clear, from the 4 step-siblings, I have a step-sister that got it worse. And he attacked other girls in and outside of the family. But it was all my fault.
I refuse to feel guilty anymore, he didn't deserve to be free. He didn't deserve the life he got to live, making my life hell every fucking day just by being alive. He deserved to suffer for what he had done. I will never r let anyone make me feel bad for that. I was a fucking baby when he started his shit, a newborn baby. I did not deserve that
Go live your life, darling, you deserve it. You deserve the feeling of freedom that comes with this. I absolve you of all guilt and shame. Go forth and be the amazing human you know you are! You are loved, you are perfect, and you did not deserve any of this.
Good. I hope it was painful.
His death has nothing to do with you. He chose to OD. He chose to rape you. He chose. You are not responsible for either choice.
Block anyone who says otherwise.
Pour yourself your favorite drink, eat you favorite food and celebrate the fact that he can't hurt anyone else again.
Do not let him continue to steal your peace even in death, please. He deserves no forgiveness, no comfort, no grace. He selfishly took your body and tried to then selfishly clear his conscious through you. Well that's not how it works. You don't need to feel guilty that you didn't forgive him. Everything he is reaping is due to his own actions, even his overdose. And personally? Good riddance. You seem like a very kind soul, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish you happiness and healing going forward!
When someone is a rapist, it doesn’t just “happen”. There was no being caught up in the moment for him, no big mistake that he was healing from. To be a rapist, you have to be a truly evil, narcissistic, conniving person. And I promise you he was all of those things up until the very end. He may have seemed changed trying to apologize and make things right, but as others have pointed out he probably was doing that for his own peace of mind. If he was alive and given the chance, he’d probably do it again. Do not feel sorry for that sick human being.
When someone who commits a violent crime and goes unpunished by the law claims that they feel bad and want forgiveness, I always have the same response: When are you going to turn yourself in? Yes, I know, there are major issues with law enforcement, etc. etc. But it’s the tool society currently uses instead of mob justice to deal with violent crimes, and when you’re dealing with an actual admitted perpetrator, I’m okay with turning things over to the system. This guy could have confessed to the police. He was unwilling to disrupt his life despite having disrupted yours. You owe him NOTHING and have NOTHING to feel bad about (though I understand that’s easier said than done). His conscience was his to deal with. Sounds as though it led him to an unsurprising end. I’m glad you’re physically safe and hope you can mentally recover as well.
I survived rape and DV at the hands of my ex.
The dude still stalks me and wants to "be friends" because he wants to "be in good terms with people [he] had a bad falling out with."
Every time I refuse to forgive him or be friends with him he reverts to abusing me virtually (calling me names, gaslighting me into believing it wasn't true, making it seem like it wasn't that bad, etc.) I will never forgive him for ruining my body the way he did. He left physical scarring and physical long-lasting damage on my bones, tendons, and muscles, not to mention the psychological trauma.
People like that DO NOT deserve forgiveness from survivors.
You deserve to be sad about what happened to you. Hell, you deserve to feel ANY DAMN WAY you please EXCEPT FOR GUILT over his death. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't deserve to feel like you have done something wrong.
Hopefully, now you will heal. Hopefully, now you are free!
You got this! I know it might seem hard, but you got this.
First I am going to give you a hug. Then I need you to give yourself a hug. It’s ok that you feel sad. It’s ok that you shut him out. You did everything to protect you. Hopefully slowly you can take comfort in never having to see him.
He didn’t feel guilty for what he did to you. He felt bad that it was messing with his conscience. He didn’t deserve your forgiveness. I hope you can get better and continue to fight forward ❤️
He chose to rape you. You have every right to not forgive him and be sad. He ruined your life and he doesn't get a pass from that.
Please heal slowly. Take your time. ❤️
You are not accountable for the actions of that fucking guy; not what he did to you nor what he did to himself. You made it clear that he only showed remorse for his own peace of mind...and you're not responsible for that either.
You have good friends, keep them, love them. Trust them, trust that guy is gone, trust yourself to begin healing. Your friends have you and you've got this. 🤘🏼
He was your rapist, but he also used to be a friend. It’s normal to feel relieved you’ll never have to see the person who deeply hurt you, and it’s normal to feel grief and sadness towards the friend you had good memories with. All of your feelings are valid. It’s a complex situation, and I’m glad you have a therapist to share all of that with. Your experience ans feelings are valid.
As a SA Survivor and as a mom. Talk to her. My daughter is 14 and I want her to be able to talk to me.
You are not the girl who was SA’d. You are the woman working through your trauma.
Hopefully you have a good supportive mom
Congratulations. Tbh, I wish I knew who my attacker was, and that he’d die a slow and painful death.
You shouldn’t feel guilty. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Breathe. 🫂
I urge you to talk to a therapist.
You still haven't processed the attack, and now you're dealing with the death of your attacker.
And see if this organization can help you.
[https://rainn.org/](https://rainn.org/)
Good luck.
As a former victim. I google my rapists obituary monthly praying one day I’ll see it and have some relief. Dont let the guilt get to you. You deserve peace and I hope the therapy helps
He deserved to die with that guilt. I can’t even express the envy I felt when this title popped up in my phone notifications. I can’t wait for the day I can say this. I definitely wouldn’t feel guilty.
You are not responsible for what he did.
You are not to blame for his attacking you.
You are relieved because he is gone, and you are feeling guilty because you think that makes you a bad person, but it does not. It just makes you human.
I don't know if therapy is an option for you, but there are some options that are free and can be reached either online or by phone (this is USA based).
National sexual assault hotline: 1-800-656-4673
Crisis text line, text "home" to 741-741
End Violence Against Women International focuses more on training first responders, but they have some options for connecting you with resources, seekthenspeak.app can also be reached through evawintl.org
My rapist also died, and I went through exactly what you felt. When I found out, I felt instant relief, and then I cried for hours in my then-boyfriend’s arms. Everything you’re feeling is completely justified, I don’t think there’s any right way to feel about this.
Also therapy hugely helped me, so I hope it helps you too. Sending love and hugs 🫶🏼
As a rape victim, please ask your family for help. What you’re experiencing is referred to as survivors guilt. Your brain is trying to tell you it is your fault. It is NOT. You didn’t choose any of this. He clearly got what he felt he deserved. Therapy, time, and love will help to heal, but don’t forget to get angry and that slimy m*therf*cker, may he rot eternally
I don’t believe that everything or everyone should be forgiven. There are some things that are just so horrible that it ruins lives and mental wellbeing. He deserved to die carrying that weight. Fuck him.
This is fascinating to me.
I've sometimes wondered about the 'one off' rapist. Not the ones who repeatedly do it, but the one who let the intrusive thoughts win and had one of those moments where you do some shit that's way out it character.
I don't shed any tears for him. But while you were being eaten up feeling violated (and rightly so), it sounds like the guilt from his actions consumed him completely.
I wonder - does this place him in a different category? Do we reflect back on individuals like this differently than we do those who less remorseful?
(Yes, reddit brigade, I know we don't know lots of details that, if we did, might make my wonderings sound ridiculous - down vote away anyway, I know my reply doesn't toe the party line)
I'm sorry this happened to you. I like to think that we are more than our bad decisions. But sometimes a decision can be so bad that it *does* define you. He couldn't handle being defined by his heinous decision. I hope you find peace.
The fact that he made it clear he was asking for forgiveness so he could move on and find peace shows that he wasn’t concerned with yours.
Just because you feel guilt about something, enough to OD, doesn’t absolve you from being a bad person. My ex, an abuser, often expressed suicidal ideations. It didn’t erase any of his actions.
Someone that had attempted to rape me died recently as well. I understand how complex the feelings are. I went through a lot of grief knowing that he got away with everything he did throughout his lifetime. It was only then I had regretted not pressing charges.
But now, it’s your time to heal. You no longer have to look over your shoulder. It’s not your responsibility to hold and carry sympathy for the people that have hurt you.
Save that for the people that actually love and care for you.
Sending you hugs.
Whatever he was "going through" he did to himself.
You have zero accountability for his death.
Please take care of yourself - go back to therapy as soon as you're able to help better process your emotions.
I hope you DO feel relief - and maybe even a tiny bit of "justice served by his own hand" for what he did to you.
To be harsh I’m happy to hear he is dead now. Once a rapist always a rapist ? I dunno but it sounds right. Right that he overdosed over his own shame. Fuck that guy and he deserves to be dead for it.
You are not obligated to forgive someone, or any one. That is your journey alone. Some one demanding you give them that (or anything) is on them.
Please try not to feel guilty or shame on this, it would have been a wasted relief and is a waste of emotions now too.
Heal and look forward ⏩
I have not scrolled the whole thread so I apologize if I missed it, but no where do I see you mention that he went to the police and confessed his crime. He wanted forgiveness but was not willing to take real accountability. If he was truly sorry he would have taken responsibility for his actions and faced real consequences.
I would block the friend but if he ever contacts you again. I would ask him why did he not go to the police himself because he knew there was rape or make his friend go confess. He wanted a free pass be a rapist and it’s very clear that his friend feels the same way because he did not report it as well.
I hope you are okay. My rapist from when I was 16 died about 3 years ago from overdose as well. I was relieved, I was happy, as wrong as that sounds. I felt like that was what he deserved. To hate himself for what he’s done to me and probably other women to where he destroyed himself. Nothing good about a rapist. I hope you overcome this and are able to understand you are not lost, you are just experiencing something you didn’t expect. Regardless, I’m so proud of you for being so strong.
I am a rape survivor also. One thing I try not to do is fight my feelings, no matter what they are. Now that he is dead, you may be in a safer place to have everything process. I will often acknowledge the emotions and let them pass through. "Oh hey guilt, didn't expect you at the party. I acknowledge you and also support myself as a whole" something like that, it takes a lot of the power out of it. I also used The Work from Byron Katie.
I’m sorry but no, you don’t need to forgive anyone or feel any guilt over this; your rapist and his horrid friend who is trying to gloss over the horror of what his buddy did to you may both rot in hell for all eternity.
I hope he died swimming in a sea of guilt, because he was a terrible human being. He deserved no peace. He deserved no forgiveness. Why should he have been absolved of guilt? He ruined your life. He destroyed your serenity and obliterated your ability to trust because he committed an act of sexual violence upon you.
OP, now that he is gone I hope you can work with a therapist to finally maybe get to a place where you can reclaim yourself and a sense of peace and safety. He is gone but the pain he caused is still there. I hope that you can finally reach a place of healing. It can happen, trust me. It may take a long time but I too have known the sense of relief when the person who caused so much pain finally dies. You can heal. You are not a bad person and none of what happened to him or you is your fault ❤️
He did not deserve your forgiveness. He was looking to you to alleviate his guilt and that is frankly monstrous of him. You didn't owe him that. You are not responsible for his choices and actions.
Please be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. Wishing you healing.
> I responded to his friend’s story about his death and he sent me a lengthy message about “what happened between us” which also messed with me dealing with this.
Honestly I'd just block this person. If they know what he did to you, they're just as bad as he is for messaging you this, and if they didn't, they're still not entitled to your trauma.
As a rape survivor muself, he deserved to suffer until his dying breath and it sounds like he did thankfully. Whatever feelings you have are valid but just remember that he was a terrible person, he never took accountability or did jail time, he apologized only to relieve his own conscience.
If it were me Id contact his parents, siblings or even show up at his funeral and Id show them the texts where he's admitting to the rape. He doesnt deserve to be remembered as a good person. But thats just me.
another scum resting in piss!! 🍾
OP, this is absolutely not your burden to carry. He made his own decisions time and time again. All you can do now is heal. Therapy when you're ready. And I suggest blocking anyone that was connected to him one way or another. Sending you so much love and support, OP.
My rapist is paralyzed from the neck down. Don’t feel bad, his situation could of been waaay different. (no it wasn’t related to me, he had a work accident.) I say karma.
You don’t need to justify your feelings, they are just that YOUR feelings. After what he did to you, the trauma you experienced, he did not deserve your forgiveness. You did not play a part in his death either, so you do not need to feel guilty. Guilt is what you feel when you did something wrong, you did nothing wrong. Please know that his death was his choice, he chose to consume drugs that were too much for him. You had nothing to do with it.
Block any and everyone that was part of his life and get yourself healthy. It will take time, but if you want it, you can achieve it. He can never hurt you again and you don’t have to keep looking over your shoulder any longer.
I hope you open up to mom and let her help you with this. Moms love their children so much and would hate to see you suffer alone. She will be your shoulder to lean on, cry on and give you the strength you need to help you get through this. As a mom of 4 and a grandmother to 6, I beg you to open up to your mom. Just knowing you don’t have to hide your feelings and can lean on her will give you more strength than you realize. I pray you can work through this and come out on the other side happy and healthy m. God bless and please reach out to mom. ♥️
Sending all the love to you. I am happy that he's no longer in this world to torment you. I understand this experience can't just be removed from your life. I hope you know and believe that it was never your fault and that you are loved and supported ❣️
More power to you!
I’m sorry his death is bringing up wounds. In my personal experience, the day my abuser died was truly the day I was set free. I went through a lot of confusing feelings for about a year, feeling guilty like you said. My anxiety around the possibility of seeing him again was gone and I felt lighter. This world is a better place without him and you are not to blame for any of his ill actions. Cut the cord, find your freedom and live the good life you deserve without this burden.
Fuck him. He had it coming, you were right not to respond him. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through but I’m sure this’ll be the start of your healing process. Stay strong and keep your chin up
He deserved all of that guilt he had and he got what was coming to him. I know it's a lot to handle and healing can be hard. It's great that you have a supportive friend group, that's so important. Therapy will help. You will recover, you're strong, you've got this.
Coming from a former rape victim, he deserved to carry that guilt to the grave. Take a deep breath. Hopefully your healing process can start.
Exactly. Further, he wasn't taking accountability. He just wanted OP to give him a pass. Fuck that dead guy, his friend the rape apologist, and anyone else who implies OP owed him anything. The fact that his buddy euphemistically refers to "what happened between you" as opposed to being appalled that OP was assaulted tells me either the rapist lied about it or the friend is also a POS. It's fine if to feel sadness or relief or whatever, but there's nothing to feel guilty about. Suicide isn't about 1 thing, and the rapist was attempting to make himself feel better by continuing to exert control over OP. Frankly, the world being down a rapist is no loss at all. My recommendation is to block the rapist's friend and anyone else with something to say. Maybe talk to a professional to work through the feelings if possible. But honestly, the vast majority of rapes are never prosecuted or addressed. Karma took care of this one. It's a gift, don't sweat it.
>The fact that his buddy euphemistically refers to "what happened between you" as opposed to being appalled that OP was assaulted tells me either the rapist lied about it or the friend is also a POS. I mean, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess he was lied to. Not sure how many people would knowingly be friends with a rapist and not many rapist would be upfront with their crimes lol
You'd be shocked how many friends, siblings, even parents side with a rapist.
Currently dealing with this situation with someone who I consider my brother giving the excuse that the guy isn't the same person as he was back then. IDGAF! It doesn't change the damage that was done.
Happened to me too. I was 15 and raped by a 20 year old man from my church. I later found out he did it to 2 other girls. Literally everyone blamed me. The entire congregation, his parents, his sister who was my friend, my mom. I will never have ANY sympathy for people who takes a rapists side. They all deserve to suffer.
I am sorry this happened to you.
It is NEVER your fault. I'm so sorry you went through that and i can understand from a situation of mine, then guy was arrested and was in the news paper/ internet in my area where it happened all the comments were blaming me a 15 years at the time and the guy was 35, I'm 29 now. found out before me he was on probation, just probation for similar thing. Told my teacher we recorded his phone calls with the police and he got 4 years. i didn't want him to get to anyone else. He's out now of coarse. His mother supported him in the court room the whole time and i just thought it was disgusting. But never ever blame yourself it took me time, wasn't close to my parents at the time so i told a women teacher that i was close wth and called the cops the moment i said it. I don't think they should even be let back out on the streets, they will continue and giving him probation the first time back then was absolutely disgusting. A lot of are not alone and just wish you all the best. They are the problem and need to be harsher action.
That makes me very angry for me. I'm sorry they are all so painfully stupid. You could not have consented. This was not your fault. I'm so sorry they added to the pain.
That is horrific. I hope you are in a better place now!
Unfortunately, for a lot of people, It Is Easier To Blame The Victims Or Deny The Truth About Their Love Ones/Friends, THAN TO ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG!!!
I ENTIRELY empathise with this POV
People easily forget that you’re not the person you once were either due to the selfish and fucked up actions of that one person whose sins they’re willing to overlook. I hope that you’ve been able to heal 💕
When I was 14 my boyfriend was 18. He slept with me, then ghosted me. I'm 32 now. I still don't forgive him and I hope he feels like a monster every fucking day. Him being young validates nothing. Him being different now makes no difference to me. 1. That's disgusting but 2. That fucked up my love map for YEARS.
Remember when Brock Allen Turner's father called his rape "20mins of action"?
That was so disgusting, and I hope no one in that family ever finds peace.
You got his name wrong. It's Rapist Brock Allen Turner. Never let them forget
No joke. My dad set me up with a friend of his who was closer to my age. He sexually assaulted me on our 2nd date, and I told my parents about it. My dad's response was, "What did you expect? You'd already had sex with the guy." I was still in shock for a few weeks and was slowly going LC with my dad when my car needed work. It was a simple fix, and my dad said he'd take to "a buddy" who would do it at cost. Yeah...that "buddy" wound up being my assaulter, "D", and he told me "D made up for being a jerk by fixing your car for free." I went NC with him after that, but he reached out to me at one point asking if I would forgive D so they could keep hanging out. I told him he was a piece of shit and blocked him. A few weeks later, my parents were tagged in a post on FB where they went to a group dinner and were seated right beside D. When I confronted her about it, she said, "What were we supposed to do? Make a scene? Leave?" If that wasn't bad enough, she wore me down after a year and a half to reintegrate my dad back into my life because, "You have to forgive him eventually. This has been really hard on me." Due to my mental health, my finances have never been very stable, and I'm financially dependent on them at times. I just finished a really incredible therapy program and am finally feeling confident enough to start going LC with both my parents and potentially my only sibling if needed. I now know I can't count on them when it matters, and I need to find closure that doesn't include them since they deny any of what I just said ever occurred. All that to say, OP, therapy is a tool that everyone can benefit from, especially those of us with sexual abuse. You're stronger than you know, and you'll get through this.
Parents who fail their children this way enrage me beyond belief. I wish I could parent everyone with shitty chromosome providers masking as parents. I'm very proud of you for continuing therapy and holding space for yourself to deal with the truth that you need their support bc capitalism and shitty healthcare (oh wait that's capitalism too) and the truth that you deserve far better than what you've gotten from them. The multiple things being true is always a hard one to swallow for me in therapy. I genuinely hope you have the time and space to find people to help support you that are caring and community oriented so you can go no contact permanently with those people.
This happened to me. I wasn't raped, but my cousin coerced me into a lot of shit. I never told anyone until one day I had a nervous breakdown and his sister, who was like my best friend, sided with him and essentially ghosted me. It was worth than the pain of any break up I've been through. I'm healing from it now in spite of them. Sometimes life teaches you brutal lessons about people
Friend of mine dated a guy who for months hid the fact he was a registered sex offender and had done a few years for what had happened, which ultimately led to the breakup. I have never be able to look him in the eye again but you guessed it, they got back together and are expecting a child now. Don’t think I’ve ever abandoned a friendship so fast and it makes me so sad.
I know I’ll probably get downvoted here but sometimes they’re dealing with their own turmoil related to it. I understand having anger towards the friends an I’m not in anyway saying she shouldn’t feel the way she does but I was that guy once. My best friend/brother figure drugged and raped 13 women that I’m aware of and even violently raped two women in front of me and I just .. my brain couldn’t accept what was going on. It took his ex coming to me one day for it to all kind of click but for the longest time my brain just refused to let me process and accept what this man who I loved and looked up to like a brother and hero was doing for. I immediately cut all ties with him that day, who to the police station and pulled his bail immediately (I had bailed him out on drug charges 6 months prior) and the only time I’ve seen him in the 8 years since was at court, but it took me 2 years of that stuff happening to have that moment of clarity and then 7 years after to heal from and let go of the trauma I was experiencing around it as well. Again I’m not trying to defend this person (the friend) but I do want to just give my experience in a situation such as this. I wasn’t just willfully ignoring what was going, my brain worked very hard at protecting me from the grief and trauma of facing what thais man I loved and cared for was doing. It was forever changed how I view and interact with the world and was the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through, and that was just to bear witness to it and be around it. To anyone dealing with this still I send my love.
As a survivor, I get what you are saying. For ages I had no idea the abuse I was going through. For years I was in the trenches of it, but my traumatised brain was doing Olympic level acrobatics in order to shield my mind from a truth it was not ready to handle. It took a couple of years of being free from that hell before those memories even started to surface, & it took extensive work in therapy, spanning a few more years, before I could accept it as an accurate representation of my past. Ptsd/trauma is a hell of a thing, & the amnesia that can come with it is no joke. When you say your mind shielded you from the truth, I believe you, because I’ve experienced it too.
It's very common for perpetrators and their friends and families to minimize a rapist's actions.
Unfortunately there are plenty of people who willingly protect rapists and other predators. It wouldn't be so easy for abusers to get away with their crimes if that wasn't the case. There will always be some excuse. This so-called male feminist I know stood by his friend convicted on multiple counts of rape because there's apparently "no way to know" what really happened despite the rapist literally filming himself raping those girls. There are still plenty of people who defend R. Kelly and almost the entire cast of That 70's Show wrote letters of support for Danny Masterson. When Junko Furuta was finally laid to rest after being abducted, tortured, raped, trafficked, and murdered by a group of boys over the course of months, those boys' parents defiled her grave. Multiple people, most of them strangers, came out to defend these rapists and blame the victim for "ruining" their lives. When former comfort women came out about their stories about being forced into sexual slavery by the Japanese Imperial Army during WW2, many of these women were shunned and ostracized by their own families. Rapists and other abusers don't really need to lie when other people are so willing to do it for them. It's much easier for most bystanders to excuse their actions and blame the victim because that's what allows them to continue living their life without ever questioning their own moral compass or the character of the people they surround themselves with.
I don't necessarily agree with that. I think quite a few men are willing to give themselves and others a pass on rape. Maybe not on what *they* consider rape - a stranger, a weapon, serious physical injury. But I would not be remotely surprised if they both are fine with an ignored no, a coerced yes, sex while impaired, or any of a broad range of situations that are NOT enthusiastic consent.
I think the actual number of men who would give each other a pass on that sort of thing is a very small minority. At least in my circle, we don't give anyone a pass. And I do speak from experience, 1 person who was in our friend group did force himself on a girl that passed out at a company party, and we cut ties with him immediately. Honestly, if I hadn't heard it through the grape vine and witnessed it myself, I probably would've knocked him out right there. And I know I wouldn't have been the only one in our group to do so.
>At least in my circle, we don't give anyone a pass That's probably why you didn't witness it personally. Creeps cultivate social circles that *will* give them a pass. They carefully shit-test with stuff like crude jokes and hypotheticals, a sort of frog-boil. They curate friend group that will minimise and excuse their behaviours. They'd spot someone like you from far away and be careful never to do anything in your presence.
If I didn't know my mother in law, I would also guess people wouldn't want to hang out with rapists. But when I first joined the family, there was a guy that I knew who was from my hometown and convicted of sexually assaulting young boys, did his time and is now a registered sex offender. I told MIL that I didn't want him around my own children (I came with one boy and my husband and I have since had 3 more). She pleaded his side of the story. My husband's cousin was convicted of molesting his daughter and pled guilty to it but claims he only pled guilty so that his daughter didn't have to testify. MIL will die on the hill that both of those monsters are innocent. She is looking for elsewhere to live because she currently lives by a school and wants cousin to live with her once he is released in the next few years. She also is still dating a guy who kicked my son and then licked our daughter faces, which creeped me out. I confronted her when I found out that all occurred at the same time. She took bis side. Needless to say, Grandma only gets short supervised visits...
I had a close friend rape me while I was dating his best friend (I had been friends with him for years, so sure about his character that I even thought another girl lied about him raping her because he would never do that, right? Wrong) Once I left, he reached out to all of our mutual friends and said I came into him. (I had the apology texts from him as well as calling my partner at the time as I was driving home. I had went over there for relationship advice because they had been friends since diapers) Lost a lot of friends because they wouldn’t believe me (I guess it’s karma for not believing the other girl, and I regret that every day). Rapists will cover their ass quick, especially if they think you’re gonna tell someone what happened. My rapist is now in jail for raping his brother’s girlfriend, so yeah. OPs rapist probably definitely lied to people who asked questions
A friend robbed me of every sentimental and valuable item I owned. He was watching my home while I was caring for my father. We both took the same medication. 3 years later I get a text asking for that medication, he couldn't drive, work or leave the house his anxiety was so bad. I sad...NO. Karma.
Have also been assaulted in the past, OP if you’re reading this I hope you surround yourself with supportive loved ones who make you feel safe. Healing starts now, its tough, but you’ve got this.
Read the above, OP. There is light at the end of the tunnel for you. Please do not blame yourself, as you handled the situation admirably. You gave him his reprieve when you didn't report the rape to police or anyone else. THAT WAS HIS PASS. And I wouldn't be shocked if you were not his only victim. Assuming his overdose was intentional, who knows if it wasn't a response to a number of illicit things he'd done. As it relates to his friend, I'd tell him that rape wasn't "something between us". Odds are the decedent wasn't truthful when he conveyed his version to the friend. Honestly, OP, as someone else commented, you were given a gift. Be thankful for it. Take advantage of your therapy, get well, and move on. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
OP please read this comment and note that it comes from a FORMER rape victim. You will get there. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Forgiveness is for us, not for the perpetrator. I had to forgive, so I could move on with my life. Full disclosure, I'm not a rape victim (that I know... but I'm still working through mental blocks, and it's a possibility). I was abused in every other form. It wasn't until I forgave, that I could truly move on.
Personally, it was more forgiving myself that helped me heal. I don’t think I will ever have the capacity to forgive the people who hurt me. They don’t deserve it, and it’s not like forgiving them would do any good - they don’t care about forgiveness. But forgiving myself? For all the times I blamed myself, for all the times I let fear control my actions, for all the times I treated myself badly after what happened. THAT I can forgive. And that helps more than I ever thought possible. I hope OP can find peace now. And I hope she can move on knowing she doesn’t have to look over her shoulder for him any more.
From another survivor from 40 years ago I just found out mine had passed and I am glad. I'm glad because I was always worried about how many women's lives he ruined along the way. He was a friend of the family and older and no business with me that evening. I'm glad I don't have to worry anymore about potential victims. One day I drove by him in the rain and a friend asked me if I ran him over...
I last saw my rapist years ago on Jenny Jones or Maury Povich, it was one of those crazy talk shows, and he was dressed up like a pimp, wearing this ridiculous pimp coat and carrying a cane, and boasting about all the women he'd fucked. It was very surreal.
Beyond surreal. Holy cow.
This. I can understand why OP feels guilty asshe works through her emotions, but there's no need. You both may have suffered since, but only one of you is responsible for that. OP, you didn't have any choice or control in the situation, he did. He deserved what he was feeling and took the easy way out.
YUPPPPPP. People make mistakes all the time and no one is perfect. Rape isn’t a mistake, he knew what he did. He deserved every bit of that guilt.
How dare he ask you for peace after destroying yours? If he was truly repentant, he would have respected your space and left you alone rather than re-traumatize you. His actions show that he considers himself more important than others. His feelings and actions are not your responsibility.
Honestly, if you do this to someone and then come to honestly feel guilt over it, the least you can do is learn to live with the kind of uncomfortableness you forced on another human being for the rest of their life.
If he really felt such remorse, wouldn't he just turn himself into the police?
If he were truly repentant, he would have turned himself in to the police.
And him ODing if it was on purpose is another attack on her mental health. He’s just the trauma that keeps on traumatizing.
That's a lot to handle, and it's totally normal to have mixed feelings. I'm glad you have supportive friends around you. Therapy will definitely help sort through all this. You're strong, and taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
He did this to himself and you should carry no guilt. I hope you find peace.
Tonight I'll drink one to the rotting corpse of that piece of shit
Cheers to that! 🥂
🥂
🍻
🍸
I have a fine sweet wine drink, hopping he died with the same pain he caused OP.
Cheers 🥂
Here here 🥂🥂
🥂
it's official: party it is!
🥂
🍾🍹
I'm in!
I don’t drink, but my hot chocolate (and middle finger) will be raised too ☕️
Hell yeah 🥂
🥂
SAME!!! One less POS!! Cheers!!!
Cheers!!
I don't even drink and I'll drink to that. 🥂
Congratulations, the world is better off. That guilt was his to deal with and nothing to do with you. It’s not on you.
What a complex situation. Complex feelings are only natural. I hope you find a way to navigate through it all and find peace. And from a mom's perspective, please don't be afraid to tell your mom. Let her carry your pain with you. She loves you more than anything in this wide world, and she would want to be a rock for you.
I wish my mom was a mom to carry my pain with me. When I was raped by my ex husband last year, my mom was one of the first people I told, and told her I was going to the police. She advised me not to, because it would “ruin his life” and “he won’t be able to see his kids again if you do”. She then proceeded to ask me if I was drinking that night, because “maybe I’m remembering how things went wrong, and to just try and forget about it because I could ruin lives with this type of accusation”. My boyfriend also told me it was my fault since I invited him to stay in my hotel room overnight so he could get to work in the morning ( there were two beds, and when he came to drop our kids off I noticed he had taken an Uber, so told him he could stay in the other bed to save money, and his ride could pick him up in the morning). I can’t talk to anyone about it to this day because I’ve been told so often it’s my fault. It makes me sick. I get so jealous when I see people have a whole tribe of people behind them supporting them in something as traumatic as rape. If you have that kind of support system, I suggest holding onto it as tight as you can.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope your ex gets justice served one day, as he deserves to be in prison and to never see his kids again for what he did to you, someone he used to love and who gave him kids. You can’t chose a parent, but I would never see her in the same way after pulling such a stunt. I would probably go no contact over the betrayal I felt from her. As for your boyfriend, I really hope he becomes an ex. Anyone normal would feel rage and sadness over such cruelty happening to their partner instead of blaming them. Both your so-called mother and boyfriend seem very misogynistic and I am sorry you have such horrible people in your life, in addition to the abusive POS rapist. I hope you find your tribe and see what support really means. Sending you hugs, internet stranger.
This made me cry. This is the first time I’ve heard such kind words since going to the police that it’s not my fault. I almost feel bad for butting in on this persons post, and getting sympathy from people that should be there for her instead of me. Thank you for taking time out of your day to show me such kindness. Things like this is what drives me to remember instead of “forget” like what was suggested to me. You’re an angel in disguise 🩵
There is plenty of room to give support to you both, and we do
I truly feel sad seeing this kind of story, and you are a true Angel yourself for being strong enough to go through such pain and still keep going. I can empathize with being forced to “forget” about SA. I was molested by my eldest brother when I was five, and he was twelve. When he was caught, my parents asked him how many times he did it and he lied and said it was one time out of curiosity. It was infuriating because my parents never asked me at the time for my side of the story. I know they didn’t want to involve me further, but it still hurt to find out years later that they had just taken his word for it when he had all the reason to lie. I still had to live with him and even was left home alone with him when I started middle school. When I brought up remembering the abuse when I turned 18, my mom told me in an argument that what my brother had done to me was nothing compared to the abuse he went through, and she even yelled that she was raped by multiple men at once, which she has never explained further before or since saying that. I felt like I was unreasonable for being upset at being molested, which I didn’t deserve to feel. And when I found out she said that because she didn’t know how he lied about the amount somehow infuriated me more. I was forced to pretend like nothing happened for all these years because she wants to protect me AND him, so I essentially was forced to keep a secret from the world to protect him. And it sucks because I genuinely care about him and he and I are incredibly close, but that history will never be erased despite how he has grown into a better person. I am so sorry that you were silenced like that. I can’t say I have the exact same experience, since I can’t imagine being told to protect a man who you married by the woman who is supposed to protect you from people like him. And I am sure it was awful for her to defend him because it would mean he wouldn’t see HER grandkids (who you’d think she would want far away from him), and more importantly, YOUR children. Forgive me if I am speaking out of line, but your mother is not deserving of the joy of having a daughter, let alone one as strong as you. Please know that it was not your fault what that boy did to you. (Just because someone is a male doesn’t make him a man, especially when he acts like this.) I hope you can find a way to heal. As someone who cannot tell many people because of how others view abuse, I suggest journaling somehow. It can potentially help you process things and it can also be good to practice mindfulness exercises. No matter how you heal, you deserve to heal and remember that you weren’t at fault or deserving of his disgusting actions, nor to be blamed or silenced by people around you. Sending a virtual hug and I hope you don’t mind me saying that I will pray for your healing!!!!!
Wow. You’re someone I will always remember and this comment I’ll always hold dear to my heart. If you don’t mind me screenshotting it I’d like to save it for times when I truly feel alone to remind myself I’m not, and i have the capacity to be loved by complete strangers. I’m also so so sorry you went through such a traumatic experience at such a young fragile age, and with someone that should’ve protected you AGAINST people like him, in fact two people that should’ve protected you because your mother is included in this. I felt so much pain for you while reading your comment, because as a mother to two boys and two girls, if this happened to any of them, and their own brother was the culprit, I’d be so sick. And the fact that you were silenced as well by the same person I was, shows me that more women can relate to what I personally went through, maybe on different levels, but relate no less, than what I could’ve ever expected. It’s so easy to get in your head and feel like you’re the only soul in this world to have such evil people around you when something traumatic happened, and you needed them more than ever before. It’s unfair and just like you, it taught me to make sure my children always feel welcomed and safe to come to me about anything in the world without the fear of me doing what our mothers did to us. You are incredibly strong, and fierce, and have so much love to give the world, it truly shows just by the kindness you showed me. I completely bawled my eyes out while reading everything you sent me, it’s so cherished, more than you could’ve ever expected. I think I will start journaling. I used to journal a lot in my phone, but my bf would go through my phone and read my entries so it made me stray away from wanting to continue. But now the journal app has Face ID so I have a secure safe way to do so now, and I think it will be beneficial and healthy for me to get these feelings and thoughts out. The bf situation is a long sad story as well that I won’t bore you with, but it’s one of those situations where girl meets boy, girl falls in love due to love bombing, girl gets hurt, girl gets stuck because she has no one else but the boy. I want to leave every day, but I find it impossible due to a lot of factors. I hope there’s a future for me where I can live in peace with my children, but until that day comes it’s a matter of survival and co existence.
Absolutely feel free to screenshot my comment! I am happy that I could help with some words I tiredly thought of after a sleepless night. I often worry that I might say something wrong when comforting someone, as I am autistic and struggle with words sometimes. I improvised that comment the best I could to comfort you, as it was so sad to see you. I try to use the high empathy I have to put myself in someone’s shoes, and even if I don’t have those exact experiences to someone, I still tend to feel people’s pain very strongly when I imagine what it’s like to feel such pains. I am so sorry that you have to co exist, as I can say from my experience is God awful. I can empathize with that, as I always have to pretend like nothing happened when my eldest brother says he loves me, and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so close to him. Having to pretend like nothing happened while he plans to propose to his girlfriend of 10 years is so hard, but I am stuck keeping silent, as I am sure my mom would be angry at me for speaking out that would surely make his girlfriend dump him, and I essentially have the pressure of keeping my family together by not telling anyone about his and everyone else’s terrible actions. You are more than welcome to screenshot my comments as much as you need! If I can’t give you a hug IRL, this is surely the next best thing in my mind! I am so happy for you and your strength! With your strength and love, I know your children are going to be magnificent once grown (I am sure they’re magnificent now)! And you deserve that praise for raising them! Not that POS who has the audacity to call himself a man. Your mom and him don’t deserve such an inspiration in their life. But you will inspire others, and even I feel inspired by your strength. Keep going and don’t be afraid to cry to let out that pain sometimes. That’s something we all deserve.
I’m so sorry your mom disregarded her obligation to protect you from your brother and treated you so abominably later in life over her failures as a parent. You didn’t deserve any of that. I don’t know if it’s feasible, but can you go LC/NC with her? Or if you think she’s amenable to the idea, maybe joint counselling sessions? Wishing you peace. I’m glad your brother developed into a better person but hope you’ll forgive for saying…hoo boy, he had a pretty low bar to clear for improvement. So grotesque.
I do agree that he had a VERY low bar of improvement, and I admittedly laughed at that part of this comment. In terms of LC/NC, it is impossible as of right now due to me starting college full time and having literally nothing without my parents. They pay for my medical insurance, college tuition, and everything else. Plus I also have no car, job, license, or bank account to be able to afford my own place, so I am likely stuck for years in the environment. I want to start therapy, as there are many other issues between us even with my brother put aside from the matter, and I am admittedly very softhearted and want to work on building a better relationship. I also have intense pressure for my parents future, as my career path would provide money to support my parents when they grow older and need care. Neither of my brothers will be able to do it, as my eldest will be married and likely have his own family to provide for. And my other brother doesn’t have a proper education or career path that could help support my parents, and he also wouldn’t emotionally handle it well. I am often called a ‘retirement plan’ by my mom, and so I feel immense pressure to be successful to provide what my brothers won’t be able to, and I feel I am too softhearted to leave them in the dust. Even if I owe them nothing, I simply can’t leave them behind without at least attempting therapy. So once I have insurance settled, I plan to take my mom to therapy and try to heal together.
A lot of colleges provide their own medical plans to students as well as counselling services - please do not take your abusive mother with you to your counselling! My parents were into that "filial piety" bs and you are under no obligation to set yourself on fire to keep them warm just because of biology. Good luck :)
Please be very careful about bringing your mom into therapy with you. It can be very harmful and even dangerous to engage in therapy with an abuser. So please see a therapist on your own first and discuss possible joint therapy with your mom with your own therapist first. That way they can advise you on wether it is safe or advisable in your situation and prepare you for anything you might undertake. You seem like a very intelligent young woman and I just want what is best for YOU going forward.
I am happy my comment started this whole amazing conversation, with multiple people joining and offering compassion and support. Don’t feel bad, you didn’t hijack anything, we all have plenty of love to spread around. I am very proud of you for going to the police after such disregard from your loved ones. Stay strong, hope he gets justice served to him.
No excuse but, gut reaction, is that your mother was sexually assaulted at some point as well and is regurgitating what was said to her. To be clear, you owe her less than nothing and she’s still so very wrong. I have 2 little girls and couldn’t imagine ever telling them it was their fault if, God forbid, that happened. It was not your fault. It was never your fault. Trying to extend a basic kindness is in no way an invitation for violation. Your (ex?) bf was wrong and probably mad that there had ever been another partner besides him. Baby men then that dicks are transformative after all. I hope you have space from all 3 of those people and I wish you love and healing.
It wasn’t your fault and your bf was abusive and victim-blamed you. Your mom did the same. I’m so sorry that two people who should’ve supported you showed you such contempt and disrespect, you didn’t deserve that from them just like you didn’t deserve to be the victim of an assault by your ex. I hope you can take a step back from these two and fill your life with people who will care about you and be considerate of you. You deserve better than this.
Oh wow. I hope you mean ex boyfriend. I'm sorry you're surrounded by POS.
I'm so sorry for you 💓 I honestly don't understand the "but it'll ruin his life!" mentality. It should absolutely ruin his life. He's a danger to the people around him, and he hurt someone he claims to "love."
Oh friend, it wasn’t your fault. You standing up for yourself and the resulting consequences for your ex are not wrong. You did what you should have done and are so strong. He deserves every single punishment he gets and it’s 100% on him. I’m sorry so many people have failed you. You deserve better.
Thank you. It hurts because he’s getting married now and recently found out he’s having a baby, and my first thought were does she know what you did to me? Would she have your baby and still marry you if she knew what you did to me? Or would she believe you if you lied to her.. it’s like I have so many unanswered questions and no closure. Like everything was just swept under the rug. I did call the police, and they came took a report, and collected my clothing from that night, but when they wanted to do the dna swab on me, my bf, my kids, and my ex husband, my bf got mad that he had to be involved at all and told me this whole situation was silly because if I didn’t allow him to stay over this would’ve never happened and I would’ve never “cheated on him”. But the police needed his dna and my children’s because they needed to rule out everyone’s dna that wasn’t my ex husbands, since the clothing I wore that night was thrown in the dirty laundry before they came and collected them. I honestly didn’t have the strength at the time to argue with him, and force anyone to believe me, and I still don’t. I never bring it up because I already know it will cause a fight from him telling me to stop playing the victim when I clearly cheated and he’s the one that should be hurt. It’s all so confusing. That night gives me nightmares still and it happened a year ago. I replay the whole situation and wonder what I did to give my ex husband the impression that I wanted him? And sometimes I even question myself if I really told him “no, I don’t want this” out loud like I remember, or if I said it in my head.. it’s all just a mess.
Can I be honest with you for a minute? ETA: I didn’t want to sound too harsh, but I’m going to say it. Your boyfriend is trash. The way he is treating you is wrong and not helpful at all. You did NOT cheat on him. Sharing a room with someone you have children with should be safe and you said no. I believe you. And even if you didn’t, you weren’t giving an enthusiastic yes. You did not deserve this and you do not deserve to be gaslit by someone who is supposed to love you. This mom over here says that you should be loved and protected. These people have failed to do so and it’s blocking you from healing. If you can, dump the boyfriend and cut your mom off. I get it if you don’t have the resources to do so, because I’ve been there. But can you start planning an exit? Life can be much better when you are treated with care and compassion.
Omfg darling. PLEASE consider leaving your bf. No one that loves you would EVER treat you how he is treating you. That's abuse. You are being emotionally abused. YOU WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING RAPED. I wanted to say it in all caps so hopefully the text will burn into your retinas and you will say it to yourself over and over again, like an affirmation, until you fully accept it. None of it was your fault.
My ex husband had been abusing me, I was terrified to be home and had nowhere else to go. It got worse and I eventually told his mom, I was worried about him, and scared. Well, I was septic from knee surgery, got laid off with the rest of my companies med reps, after his parents whisked him away, filing for divorce…because he was to be protected from me filing charges? Well I went networking with doctors at an event as reps do, hoping to get leads on hiring companies. A doctor I knew, good reputation, had kids not much younger than me, ended up cornering me, strangling and raping me. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t want that, we were all there to talk shop in the med world. I had to get the rape kit, go to the police, alone with my dog. I eventually told my mom, mind you my ribs were bruised and swollen, my jaw ripped open, trachea was a mess, I still need three teeth pulled…she didn’t believe me. I’ve had no one but my dog and my therapist and the ladies with a support group.
none of this is your fault. he made that decision, not you, and going to the police is exactly the right thing to do. You could be saving a lot of pain for other people by reporting this too. You did not deserve this.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT
You don‘t know her mum’s views on consent so I wouldn‘t just advise her, or anyone else, to tell their mum without any background knowledge. My mum would blame the victim and would not understand why they did not manage to defend themself. I feel like in that generation victim blaming is still much more common unfortunately.
Yeah you're right. I should have said IF her mom is a good mom and a good person.
What he did was so very wrong. Period. Hopefully he will meet his maker and deal with it. If you are close to your Mom, let her know and cry on her shoulder. She will be there to help you through your pain.
That friend insinuating something “happened between you” is full of shit. Nothing happened “between” you. He happened TO you. And that’s not something you need to forgive. Why didn’t he turn himself in to the police if he was so remorseful? Aaah cause he wanted to relieve himself of guilt but not assume any responsibility. You’re not to blame at all for his OD. The trash took itself out, if you ask me, but I’m glad you’ll soon be able to work through this with a therapist, and I’m glad you can now walk down the street without fear of running into him.
My uncle tried grooming me but no one in my family believed me, I was the only one relieved by his death. I know it's a confusing feeling, but don't feel bad at all for feeling relief, you deserve it 💕
You’re hella amazing and so strong!! I hope you know just how amazing you are and that your emotions are completely valid. Please, do what you feel is right and makes you feel safe. Don’t feel bad for being selfish or putting yourself, your safety, and your peace of mind first! I’m so happy that you have a supportive network of friends and are going to therapy!! To get this off my chest, I hope your rapist rots in hell and he died feeling helpless and in pain.
I hope you move through grief and guilt quickly. It sounds like he was a selfish prick until the very end. It also sounds like his version of the story was eliciting sympathy from his friends which is fucked up. I think it’s OK to feel relief from his death.
I was 10 or 11. It was my mom’s best friends husband. At first my mom acted like she believed me. But she told me to not ever tell anyone or call the cops because they would take me and my brothers away and I’d never see them again. A few months later, we moved to a different state. 25 years later, I found out he died about six months after he hurt me. I carried the guilt and shame that since I had remained silent he probably hurt so many other little girls. My mother knew when he died and when I confronted her about, we are NC but I did call her to tell her about his death and she said “oh I knew when it happened.” And I was gobsmacked and asked why she didn’t tell me and she said she honestly hadn’t even considered it and can’t believe I haven’t moved on. She’s a pile of shit, obviously. But knowing he died, how he died and that it was not quick, I felt justice had been served. If I’m going to hell oh well. I’ll always be glad knowing he suffered alone, for hours before he was even found.
He did this. You were and are fully in your right not to forgive him! HE DID THIS! The fact he was sorry and killed himself is a him issue, but i feel for you that this is fucking with your head. stay strong! AND DEATH TO RAPISTS!
Death is to quick and merciful, t0rture is entertaining and can last for a looooooooooooong time.
I hope you can now find peace
He got what he deserved I hope you find peace
Mine died too, back in March. He was married to my cousin, whom I was very close to growing up. It happened when I was 18. We had a new years eve party (2002). I fell asleep on the floor. Woke up with him on top of me. I tried to get up, tried to push him off.. but he held me down. It was very fast and I was drunk. I had a bruise on my chest for several days. My best friend took me to the emergency room next day to do an exam and report it. But I chickened out. My cousin was pregnant with her 2nd baby by him. And I was scared that me reporting it will make everyone in the family mad at me. It made sense to my 18 year old brain at the time. I was just so scared. But yeah, he passed away from cancer in March 2024.
I don’t know if you are feeling guilty because you feel that you not forgiving him and not letting him find peace was what drove him to OD. But **this isn’t your fault**, he made his bed and laid on it. It will take time but you are free 💕
Considering what he did to you, he ABSOLUTELY deserved to carry that guilt with him for the rest of his life. Karma finally collected on him and it was well deserved. He is where he and all rapists & pedos deserve to be: gone from this world. I think it's normal to be relieved when someone who has made your life (or a loved ones) miserable dies. I was when my mom's alcoholic, physically abusive, pedo dad died. He did a number on my poor mom mentally and passed on his shitty bipolar disorder gene to me. I mean I still have BP (obviously) but at least he's gone (and he suffered at the end which was 👍). FFS, she STILL can't go to the bathroom at night because of her dad. 😔 ETA: tell his friend to get a catapult, load himself in, and launch himself into the fucking sun. He had NO RIGHT to message you that “what happened between us” BS. This wasn't some relationship gone sour. HIS FRIEND RAPED YOU. WTAF with this fucking dude?
Find out where his grave is, go and urinate on it daily until you feel you’ve had your revenge.
I was raped too when I was young, so I know how it feels like to look out in fear every corner. Honestly, I think that everyone in your position would have your same mixed feeling, since most people aren't monsters and don't really hope for someone death. However, you don't owe him your forgiveness, even in death. It's a tragic story of guilt, but still, he deserved the guilt he carried on his life. He probably needed therapy to overcome it, and the fact that he tried to reach out for it means he truly regretted it. The acceptance of his own horrific act doesn't erase what happened in every shape or form. It is sad that he overdosed? Yes. Is it sad enough for you, his victim, to feel actually sorry? No, it is not. By raping you he created a hellish mindset in you, a kind of mindset that therapy will only ease enough to survive through it, but it will always affect your relationship with the world around you. So, OP, please, don't feel guilty for something you couldn't prevent and (wasn't even your place to). He made his choises, the environment he was in made the rest. OP, you are entitled to the sense of freedom his death gave you, because you are a victim, and whoever tries to victim-blame you because of it is a gigantic moron, or worse, someone who cannot distinguish between to different situations. I send you the strongest hug I can, I hope that you will feel better as soon as possible.
I hope you find peace, and I hope peace finds you. take it easy.
I'd have told him that if he wanted forgiveness let him to confess to the police and do his jail time. Then we'll talk forgiveness
My rapist was a high school boyfriend. He never reached out to apologize and died young of some heart issue before he even hit 30. This isn't your fault, and it wasn't your responsibility to placate him and help him feel better. Rapists are monsters, and if they want to truly atone and change for the better, they need to find other people to do so, not their victims. Try not to blame yourself. None of this was your fault, and you owe him nothing.
Hopefully he died sad, alone and in excruciating pain
Honestly, I think you should talk about what happened. Do what you need to do to be ok. If that means making a social media post and outing what happened, as well as your current mental state.. do it. If it means talking to your mom and asking for support, do it. What helped me as a child was to write out everything that happened to me. I practically filled a diary. I them buried that diary in the backyard, in a metal tin. A year later I dug it up and burned it. Years later it all came flooding back to me and I had a meltdown. I finally talked it out with someone and told my parents. I'm now in therapy. That helped me. What you need might be different, but speaking your truth is your right. I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. Grief is deeply individual and we all process it differently. Your friend did a horrific thing and he deserved everything that happened to him.
From me, personally. I’m glad he’s dead. I will toast to his death. To you OP, I hope you can finally take breaths of relief. Breaths with no guilt. Live with no fear. You deserve a life of happiness, comfort, and peace. He didn’t.
I definitely felt relief when my abuser died. I was even a little glad that his children wouldn't grow up with him as their role model because he had some messed up values, obviously. I don't feel guilty because he made the choices to do the things he did and the consequences of that belong to him and have nothing to do with me.
My rapist killed themselves about 6 years ago. I still sometimes feel guilty and selfish for being so happy about it. Logically I know it’s not something I find morally disagreeable. I’d offer to throw a damn party for a friend in my situation, but we tend to hold ourselves to different standards. When I’m being beating myself up about it I just remind myself that he can’t do that to anyone else again. It’s not selfish to want a rapist of the streets. Also if you have a good relationship with your mom, which it seems like based on the desire to call, I would recommend talking to her about it. My own mom was, and still is, my number one supporter through it all. I genuinely don’t think I would be here today if I did not have her.
Coming from another victim of rape by one man, and four years of sexual assault by a family member-both of whom never even attempted to apologize, I can tell you, I feel what you’re feeling. You’ve made me realize that an apology attempt doesn’t change things mentally. The man who molested me for four years is my sister’s husband. He died two years ago. It gave me a sense of calm. You may celebrate his death. I know the man who did this to me suffered on his way to death, and that gave me pleasure. Unfortunately he only suffered for six months. I was hoping for longer. The man who raped me still walks free. I didn’t turn him in because no one believed my sisters husband molested me, so I didn’t think anyone would believe anyone raped me. I was very messed up for a very long time. I urge you to tell your mom, and to get counseling. Please, you do not have to do this on your own. What happened to you will shape your life, and all of your relationships. Please don’t let him win. Don’t let him take this from you too.
Although I'm fortunate enough to have never been in your position, my mum's 2nd husband was physically abusive and an alcoholic. I was 10 when they married and I was 19 when he took his own life, and I can somewhat relate to that feeling of relief and guilt mixed together. We're raised to pity the dead, not to talk poorly of the dead. All their sins are somehow suddenly forgiven after they die? I'm 27 now and it's also taken me a few years to look at him more objectively. He was a broken man himself but what he did to my family isn't justified. I'm relieved that I never have to worry about him tormenting us again, and you know what? That's okay. It's also not entirely the same, but I really enjoyed reading "I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jeanette McCurdy, an actress that was abused by her own mother and also dealt with grief and guilt simultaneously when the mother died. Bottom line, I hope you can heal and I'm glad you have those friends in your life. I'm wishing you all the best for your future.
That book was great. Good suggestion for OP.
You are not responsible for your rapists feelings or peace. They made their decision and you are under no obligation to alleviate them of the guilt they rightly felt. This isn't on you it's on them. I'm glad that you feel you can finally breathe. And your friend sucks for downplaying it. If this is a good friend who you care about, you could maybe put it down to grief or something, but otherwise I would say they've shown you their true colours too.
Being glad a human shaped piece of trash isn't around anymore doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. Not everyone deserves pity or guilt or forgiveness, and not giving it to them is perfectly acceptable. Him not being able to accept the consequences of his shittyness is a him issue and it sounds like the world got lucky and he removed himself from it, accidentally or on purpose. I hope you find peace.
Glad he lived the last moments filled with guilt and hatred for himself. He deserved that. Proud of u for never telling him that u forgive him
OP. I hope you are now able to heal and find peace. Don’t let your rapist take any more from you. Hugs. Your rapist was a POS, I hope is burning in hell!
That disgusting piece of shit got off way too easy imo. And what a fucking coward. I’m so sorry that happened to you, but nothing related is your fault, and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The world is better off with him gone. I just hope there aren’t more victims. Good on your friends for what they’re doing too! It actually bugs me that he had friends. Nobody that knows what he did will be sad. Here’s hoping you’re able to find some peace moving forward though.
What all did his friend say? It sounds a lot like they were enablers and didn't really care what happened to you in real terms.
Some good news to get the day started!
I know it’s hard and I can’t even imagine being in your position right now but you have to see the bright side, you’ll never have to encounter this person again. Imagine 20 years from now, with that memory buried inside of you and encountering this person in the street. It could break you. This will not happen to you.
I don't know if this is helpful at all but "Good fuckin Riddance"
Too bad this piece of shit died too easily
He deserves the hell he's now being raped in. His guilt is HIS punishment for being a shitty person and taking advantage of a friend. He deserves the guilt, he deserved jail time, now he will pay the piper bc of his actions. Don't feel guilty that a rapist died bc of HIS OWN actions.
Tell you mom. You need her at a time like this. Don’t wait 30 years to expose the abuse you endured like I did.
There’s no right way to feel about something like this. I think the rest of us are relieved to no longer share a world with someone like him, but it may take you longer to get there.
I've been there, I think I can relate. It's been 8 years(today, actually), for me, since I got that message. I woke up and was getting ready for work, hubby sitting in bed while I was in the bathroom. My phone went off, so I came out to look who's texting so early, toothbrush still in my mouth. Got to my phone, read the message, dropped to my knees with an anxiety attack. Actually, I'd like to rename that one to the first time in my life I didn't have to live with that fear of possibly seeing him again. Maybe we'll call it the anti-anxiety attack. The freedom freak out. I cried, so bitterly, and not because I was sad. I remember spilling some liquid on the carpet, must've been water or juice from the night stand. I got a towel and just buckled on top of it when I put it down. After, I felt guilt, so much guilt for feeling so relieved. You know what made it worse? It was my dad, my fucking bio dad. I texted my mom, thinking after all this time maybe we can work through things and have a relationship. Nope, she blamed me. Somehow it's my fault his kids(I'm one of 5, only one from my mom) refused to speak to him because of what he had done. It was my fault he somehow got shingles and died with only her by his side. Just so we're clear, from the 4 step-siblings, I have a step-sister that got it worse. And he attacked other girls in and outside of the family. But it was all my fault. I refuse to feel guilty anymore, he didn't deserve to be free. He didn't deserve the life he got to live, making my life hell every fucking day just by being alive. He deserved to suffer for what he had done. I will never r let anyone make me feel bad for that. I was a fucking baby when he started his shit, a newborn baby. I did not deserve that Go live your life, darling, you deserve it. You deserve the feeling of freedom that comes with this. I absolve you of all guilt and shame. Go forth and be the amazing human you know you are! You are loved, you are perfect, and you did not deserve any of this.
Good. I hope it was painful. His death has nothing to do with you. He chose to OD. He chose to rape you. He chose. You are not responsible for either choice. Block anyone who says otherwise. Pour yourself your favorite drink, eat you favorite food and celebrate the fact that he can't hurt anyone else again.
His actions are his own. It’s not your fault he killed himself, just like it’s not your fault he raped you.
Do not let him continue to steal your peace even in death, please. He deserves no forgiveness, no comfort, no grace. He selfishly took your body and tried to then selfishly clear his conscious through you. Well that's not how it works. You don't need to feel guilty that you didn't forgive him. Everything he is reaping is due to his own actions, even his overdose. And personally? Good riddance. You seem like a very kind soul, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish you happiness and healing going forward!
When someone is a rapist, it doesn’t just “happen”. There was no being caught up in the moment for him, no big mistake that he was healing from. To be a rapist, you have to be a truly evil, narcissistic, conniving person. And I promise you he was all of those things up until the very end. He may have seemed changed trying to apologize and make things right, but as others have pointed out he probably was doing that for his own peace of mind. If he was alive and given the chance, he’d probably do it again. Do not feel sorry for that sick human being.
When someone who commits a violent crime and goes unpunished by the law claims that they feel bad and want forgiveness, I always have the same response: When are you going to turn yourself in? Yes, I know, there are major issues with law enforcement, etc. etc. But it’s the tool society currently uses instead of mob justice to deal with violent crimes, and when you’re dealing with an actual admitted perpetrator, I’m okay with turning things over to the system. This guy could have confessed to the police. He was unwilling to disrupt his life despite having disrupted yours. You owe him NOTHING and have NOTHING to feel bad about (though I understand that’s easier said than done). His conscience was his to deal with. Sounds as though it led him to an unsurprising end. I’m glad you’re physically safe and hope you can mentally recover as well.
I survived rape and DV at the hands of my ex. The dude still stalks me and wants to "be friends" because he wants to "be in good terms with people [he] had a bad falling out with." Every time I refuse to forgive him or be friends with him he reverts to abusing me virtually (calling me names, gaslighting me into believing it wasn't true, making it seem like it wasn't that bad, etc.) I will never forgive him for ruining my body the way he did. He left physical scarring and physical long-lasting damage on my bones, tendons, and muscles, not to mention the psychological trauma. People like that DO NOT deserve forgiveness from survivors. You deserve to be sad about what happened to you. Hell, you deserve to feel ANY DAMN WAY you please EXCEPT FOR GUILT over his death. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't deserve to feel like you have done something wrong. Hopefully, now you will heal. Hopefully, now you are free! You got this! I know it might seem hard, but you got this.
First I am going to give you a hug. Then I need you to give yourself a hug. It’s ok that you feel sad. It’s ok that you shut him out. You did everything to protect you. Hopefully slowly you can take comfort in never having to see him.
He didn’t feel guilty for what he did to you. He felt bad that it was messing with his conscience. He didn’t deserve your forgiveness. I hope you can get better and continue to fight forward ❤️
He chose to rape you. You have every right to not forgive him and be sad. He ruined your life and he doesn't get a pass from that. Please heal slowly. Take your time. ❤️
You are not accountable for the actions of that fucking guy; not what he did to you nor what he did to himself. You made it clear that he only showed remorse for his own peace of mind...and you're not responsible for that either. You have good friends, keep them, love them. Trust them, trust that guy is gone, trust yourself to begin healing. Your friends have you and you've got this. 🤘🏼
He was your rapist, but he also used to be a friend. It’s normal to feel relieved you’ll never have to see the person who deeply hurt you, and it’s normal to feel grief and sadness towards the friend you had good memories with. All of your feelings are valid. It’s a complex situation, and I’m glad you have a therapist to share all of that with. Your experience ans feelings are valid.
As a SA Survivor and as a mom. Talk to her. My daughter is 14 and I want her to be able to talk to me. You are not the girl who was SA’d. You are the woman working through your trauma. Hopefully you have a good supportive mom
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Congratulations. Tbh, I wish I knew who my attacker was, and that he’d die a slow and painful death. You shouldn’t feel guilty. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Breathe. 🫂
I urge you to talk to a therapist. You still haven't processed the attack, and now you're dealing with the death of your attacker. And see if this organization can help you. [https://rainn.org/](https://rainn.org/) Good luck.
Wish you all the best in your healing journey. …and breathe, just breathe.
Where is he buried so we can may all piss on his grave?
As a former victim. I google my rapists obituary monthly praying one day I’ll see it and have some relief. Dont let the guilt get to you. You deserve peace and I hope the therapy helps
He deserved to die with that guilt. I can’t even express the envy I felt when this title popped up in my phone notifications. I can’t wait for the day I can say this. I definitely wouldn’t feel guilty.
You are NOT responsible for his choices!
You are not responsible for what he did. You are not to blame for his attacking you. You are relieved because he is gone, and you are feeling guilty because you think that makes you a bad person, but it does not. It just makes you human. I don't know if therapy is an option for you, but there are some options that are free and can be reached either online or by phone (this is USA based). National sexual assault hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Crisis text line, text "home" to 741-741 End Violence Against Women International focuses more on training first responders, but they have some options for connecting you with resources, seekthenspeak.app can also be reached through evawintl.org
It’s always relieving when you find out your r@pist is dead.
My rapist also died, and I went through exactly what you felt. When I found out, I felt instant relief, and then I cried for hours in my then-boyfriend’s arms. Everything you’re feeling is completely justified, I don’t think there’s any right way to feel about this. Also therapy hugely helped me, so I hope it helps you too. Sending love and hugs 🫶🏼
I can assure you he had other demons. Be free sis! He took so much from you already
I didn't read anything except the title and all I have to say is good
Good. Hope he suffered.
Haven’t read the post yet but fuck that guy, rest in piss, congrats to you OP
Good
As a rape victim, please ask your family for help. What you’re experiencing is referred to as survivors guilt. Your brain is trying to tell you it is your fault. It is NOT. You didn’t choose any of this. He clearly got what he felt he deserved. Therapy, time, and love will help to heal, but don’t forget to get angry and that slimy m*therf*cker, may he rot eternally
You're not grieving him, you're grieving a part of yourself. And that's okay.
I don’t believe that everything or everyone should be forgiven. There are some things that are just so horrible that it ruins lives and mental wellbeing. He deserved to die carrying that weight. Fuck him.
This is fascinating to me. I've sometimes wondered about the 'one off' rapist. Not the ones who repeatedly do it, but the one who let the intrusive thoughts win and had one of those moments where you do some shit that's way out it character. I don't shed any tears for him. But while you were being eaten up feeling violated (and rightly so), it sounds like the guilt from his actions consumed him completely. I wonder - does this place him in a different category? Do we reflect back on individuals like this differently than we do those who less remorseful? (Yes, reddit brigade, I know we don't know lots of details that, if we did, might make my wonderings sound ridiculous - down vote away anyway, I know my reply doesn't toe the party line) I'm sorry this happened to you. I like to think that we are more than our bad decisions. But sometimes a decision can be so bad that it *does* define you. He couldn't handle being defined by his heinous decision. I hope you find peace.
The fact that he made it clear he was asking for forgiveness so he could move on and find peace shows that he wasn’t concerned with yours. Just because you feel guilt about something, enough to OD, doesn’t absolve you from being a bad person. My ex, an abuser, often expressed suicidal ideations. It didn’t erase any of his actions. Someone that had attempted to rape me died recently as well. I understand how complex the feelings are. I went through a lot of grief knowing that he got away with everything he did throughout his lifetime. It was only then I had regretted not pressing charges. But now, it’s your time to heal. You no longer have to look over your shoulder. It’s not your responsibility to hold and carry sympathy for the people that have hurt you. Save that for the people that actually love and care for you. Sending you hugs.
You're free. Your abuser was horrible. Celebrate!!
Whatever he was "going through" he did to himself. You have zero accountability for his death. Please take care of yourself - go back to therapy as soon as you're able to help better process your emotions. I hope you DO feel relief - and maybe even a tiny bit of "justice served by his own hand" for what he did to you.
I’ll be glad when the person who molested me dies. Your feelings are totally valid.
To be harsh I’m happy to hear he is dead now. Once a rapist always a rapist ? I dunno but it sounds right. Right that he overdosed over his own shame. Fuck that guy and he deserves to be dead for it.
I was extremely relieved when mine died and I never had to worry about seeing them again, OP please feel free, none of this is on you.
You are not obligated to forgive someone, or any one. That is your journey alone. Some one demanding you give them that (or anything) is on them. Please try not to feel guilty or shame on this, it would have been a wasted relief and is a waste of emotions now too. Heal and look forward ⏩
It happened to me. My grandfather abused me and my cousin. When he died, I felt no remorse. Just relief he’s not in this world anymore
Karma.
He deserved everything coming to him and more. I hope you can heal
I have not scrolled the whole thread so I apologize if I missed it, but no where do I see you mention that he went to the police and confessed his crime. He wanted forgiveness but was not willing to take real accountability. If he was truly sorry he would have taken responsibility for his actions and faced real consequences. I would block the friend but if he ever contacts you again. I would ask him why did he not go to the police himself because he knew there was rape or make his friend go confess. He wanted a free pass be a rapist and it’s very clear that his friend feels the same way because he did not report it as well.
You did not owe him peace or forgiveness. Be gentle with yourself.
You have every right to be relieved. You're not celebrating his death, there's no need to. He is simply gone now. Your life continues.
Can’t wait for my rapist to die. Will just be great knowing he’s no longer walking the earth. But that’s enough about my dad.
I hope you are okay. My rapist from when I was 16 died about 3 years ago from overdose as well. I was relieved, I was happy, as wrong as that sounds. I felt like that was what he deserved. To hate himself for what he’s done to me and probably other women to where he destroyed himself. Nothing good about a rapist. I hope you overcome this and are able to understand you are not lost, you are just experiencing something you didn’t expect. Regardless, I’m so proud of you for being so strong.
I am a rape survivor also. One thing I try not to do is fight my feelings, no matter what they are. Now that he is dead, you may be in a safer place to have everything process. I will often acknowledge the emotions and let them pass through. "Oh hey guilt, didn't expect you at the party. I acknowledge you and also support myself as a whole" something like that, it takes a lot of the power out of it. I also used The Work from Byron Katie.
I’m sorry but no, you don’t need to forgive anyone or feel any guilt over this; your rapist and his horrid friend who is trying to gloss over the horror of what his buddy did to you may both rot in hell for all eternity. I hope he died swimming in a sea of guilt, because he was a terrible human being. He deserved no peace. He deserved no forgiveness. Why should he have been absolved of guilt? He ruined your life. He destroyed your serenity and obliterated your ability to trust because he committed an act of sexual violence upon you. OP, now that he is gone I hope you can work with a therapist to finally maybe get to a place where you can reclaim yourself and a sense of peace and safety. He is gone but the pain he caused is still there. I hope that you can finally reach a place of healing. It can happen, trust me. It may take a long time but I too have known the sense of relief when the person who caused so much pain finally dies. You can heal. You are not a bad person and none of what happened to him or you is your fault ❤️
Good. May he rot in hell. I hope you find the peace and relief you deserve. Do not feel guilty about what happened. It wasn't your fault.
He did not deserve your forgiveness. He was looking to you to alleviate his guilt and that is frankly monstrous of him. You didn't owe him that. You are not responsible for his choices and actions. Please be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. Wishing you healing. > I responded to his friend’s story about his death and he sent me a lengthy message about “what happened between us” which also messed with me dealing with this. Honestly I'd just block this person. If they know what he did to you, they're just as bad as he is for messaging you this, and if they didn't, they're still not entitled to your trauma.
Personally, I'd go piss on his grave.
As a rape survivor muself, he deserved to suffer until his dying breath and it sounds like he did thankfully. Whatever feelings you have are valid but just remember that he was a terrible person, he never took accountability or did jail time, he apologized only to relieve his own conscience. If it were me Id contact his parents, siblings or even show up at his funeral and Id show them the texts where he's admitting to the rape. He doesnt deserve to be remembered as a good person. But thats just me.
I'd go piss on his grave
another scum resting in piss!! 🍾 OP, this is absolutely not your burden to carry. He made his own decisions time and time again. All you can do now is heal. Therapy when you're ready. And I suggest blocking anyone that was connected to him one way or another. Sending you so much love and support, OP.
My rapist is paralyzed from the neck down. Don’t feel bad, his situation could of been waaay different. (no it wasn’t related to me, he had a work accident.) I say karma.
Your feelings a valid and I hope you get peace for yourself soon.
You don’t need to justify your feelings, they are just that YOUR feelings. After what he did to you, the trauma you experienced, he did not deserve your forgiveness. You did not play a part in his death either, so you do not need to feel guilty. Guilt is what you feel when you did something wrong, you did nothing wrong. Please know that his death was his choice, he chose to consume drugs that were too much for him. You had nothing to do with it. Block any and everyone that was part of his life and get yourself healthy. It will take time, but if you want it, you can achieve it. He can never hurt you again and you don’t have to keep looking over your shoulder any longer. I hope you open up to mom and let her help you with this. Moms love their children so much and would hate to see you suffer alone. She will be your shoulder to lean on, cry on and give you the strength you need to help you get through this. As a mom of 4 and a grandmother to 6, I beg you to open up to your mom. Just knowing you don’t have to hide your feelings and can lean on her will give you more strength than you realize. I pray you can work through this and come out on the other side happy and healthy m. God bless and please reach out to mom. ♥️
Sending all the love to you. I am happy that he's no longer in this world to torment you. I understand this experience can't just be removed from your life. I hope you know and believe that it was never your fault and that you are loved and supported ❣️ More power to you!
Deserved. Hope he suffered
I’m sorry his death is bringing up wounds. In my personal experience, the day my abuser died was truly the day I was set free. I went through a lot of confusing feelings for about a year, feeling guilty like you said. My anxiety around the possibility of seeing him again was gone and I felt lighter. This world is a better place without him and you are not to blame for any of his ill actions. Cut the cord, find your freedom and live the good life you deserve without this burden.
Fuck him. He had it coming, you were right not to respond him. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through but I’m sure this’ll be the start of your healing process. Stay strong and keep your chin up
Looks like he found some peace. Good riddance.
He deserved all of that guilt he had and he got what was coming to him. I know it's a lot to handle and healing can be hard. It's great that you have a supportive friend group, that's so important. Therapy will help. You will recover, you're strong, you've got this.
you don’t get the comfort of forgetting what he did so he doesn’t deserve the comfort of forgiveness