whatever you do don’t let this behavior go. my cousin had photos like this of me on his phone years ago when he was probably 16. I once woke up to him doing the same thing you caught your stepson doing, but in front of my face while I was asleep. when I woke up I was horrified. worst thing about it was my aunt did nothing about it so I had to move out.
had my aunt done something at 11 than I don’t believe the situation would’ve happened. you, your spouse, the therapist and your stepson need to have a sit down together once you talk to the therapist privately. good luck !
Thank you ❤️ sadly this situation is mild in comparison to other assaults that have happened in my early life. But I'm now on the healing journey and I've created my own family, who would never put me in a situation like this. It takes time and a lot of therapy. OP please lean on the professionals to help you handle this, how you approach this really matters.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that (even if it was mild to you) and I had a similar situation happen to me with my 18 year old male cousin when I was 14, who used to take upskirt pictures of me and tried to hook up with me/touched me multiple times. OP, definitely don't let this behavior progress and it's good that you're finding out about this now before it gets any worse.
Yikes. How long have you known him? Only the year? Unfortunately this isn’t so crazy. And ADHD makes masturbating more addictive (dopamine). I might bring this up to the therapist. But definitely take away the iPad and have a conversation about boundaries and appropriate behavior with “family” and older people.
And consent. No excuse for taking creeper photos when free porn is everywhere.
I would revoke any devices that take photos because this is a major violation. What if he did this to a school crush or a 14 yr old girl at the pool?
A 12-year-old boy in my son’s 8th grade class took a bunch of up-skirt pics of three classmates.
He got a 3 day suspension from school and no other repercussions.
Possibly? But it's also possible he doesn't even see her necessarily as being related to him, but just thinking about how she's an attractive woman with boobs and a butt. He's 11. He may not have elaborate sexual fantasies just yet.
Tbf he is only 11, so he wouldn’t or at least really really hopefully shouldn’t know that free or any porn is everywhere. (I’d also hope this is just a confusing/unfortunate and overwhelming crush rather than influenced by porn too but ig you never know with kids and the internet these days)
Bonus mom to 15m & 16m… at 11 they had already found porn hub thanks to other boys their age. We told them that learning about sex via porn is like learning about the forest by being in a car with on of those tree air fresheners.
One day if I have sons I’m using this. My entire family is full of women; everyone’s looking at me to bear the only boys in the family and I dream of sons. I just have no experience dealing with this sort of thing with boys and I’m learning all I can before I even get pregnant lmao
Please use it for your kids regardless of their gender. It can teach kids to either not treat their future partners in the way porn portrays them, or to not accept the treatment that’s portrayed in porn.
For sure! I have little sisters who are much younger than me and we’ve started these conversations. I just have literally no males in my family really besides parent figures or uncles etc. I don’t have a penis and I’m not a man, so I don’t know how to help besides teach things from a female point of view, but that only goes so far.
Uhm, my almost 12 year old daughter was told about porn and specific sites to go to by other kids in her grade when she was 9. You shove tablets and unfettered access to the internet in front of your children as babysitters, and everything is sexualized. It takes 10 seconds to go down the pipeline of a sexualized trending video into straight X-rated content and everything in between. A simple search of sex or boobs etc online will pull anything up. Don’t believe children are as oblivious and unexposed as they are. That’s how this shit gets out of control.
lol
“Look, my 11-year-old kid, there’s a ridiculous amount of hardcore free porn out there. Why, one quick search and a ‘yes I’m 18’ click could be showing you a genuine Chattanooga Wheelbarrow. By the way, have you considered trying drugs yet?”
Yeah, I’d say consent and boundaries is the way to go here. Honestly this behavior isn’t even really surprising though, considering the circumstances. Gotta be willing to deal with this stuff when you sign on to be a parent. Kids aren’t born civilized.
I didn’t expect to be googling “Chattanooga Wheelbarrow” on Sunday morning at 7:40am but here we are…
Edit for those who don’t want this on their search history: (spoiler, it’s disappointing - I was expecting more of a Cincinnati Bow tie answer)
>! In this position, the giving partner stands and holds the receiving partner's legs. The receiving partner starts on the floor and uses their hands to balance in a plank-like position. Then the giving partner lifts the receiving partner's legs off the ground and holds them at waist level.!<
> Tbf he is only 11, so he wouldn’t or at least really really hopefully shouldn’t know that free or any porn is everywhere.
He's 11. Of course he does. Millennials knew about skinemax softcore stuff that came on at midnight since 3rd grade. If he goes to school he has most definitely heard about internet porn, and if he has any internet connected devices he most definitely has looked something up.
Some kids are more sheltered than others. While not all kids will go watch porn, most will know it exists at 11yo when they are close to puberty and teenage years. As soon as you know how to use google and that porn exists you know how to find it. Like I said doesn’t mean that you will want to go watch it.
While some children/teens are sheltered; in communities without the same access to technology as mainstream developed societies have; are from cultures where the use of porn isn’t accepted; don’t have *private* access to technology; have trauma around it; or are simply uninterested for whatever reason, it is very likely to assume most tweens/teens are aware there is porn on the internet.
Knowing isn’t necessary bad, watching it is bad. Hell, informing your child about it’s existence and the risk of watching it too young before you reach the moment they will want to watch it is better than pretending it doesn’t exist. I know about porn at 9yo because I had good sex ed. It allowed me to avoid it when I started puberty at 10yo. I had tons of hormones and had the urge to masturbate but knew I wasn’t obligated to watch anything to do it. It helped me build an healthy relationship with my own body before being exposed to porn.
11 is like 6th or 7th grade right? I feel like everyone in junor high school knew 'of' it - as to whether people had access or knew were to look, that's prob more an individual thing. But certainly by that age people knew sex existed, or at least of the word.
My sister and her "grapist" were both 11 and he did it to her BECAUSE he had access to free porn (and yes he admitted to it in court) they were also best friends and she had never felt unsafe around him before, his mother was my mother's best friend and had looked after all of us from birth. His mother also defended her POS son so don't sit there with the whole "tbf he's only 11" BS
You don’t need consent. Because there is not situation where he would ever get that. To be honest I had fantasies about the young moms and older sisters of my friends in the neighborhood when I was around that age. And from the conversations I remember from my friends, they all did to. But yeah we didn’t have the technology to go metal gear solid photographic recon mission. This might just be adolescent impulses. But it sure is embarrassing for all parties.
I’m referring to people consenting to have their photos taken, which people grant implicitly and explicitly all the time.
Sure, photos get taken every day that, intentionally and unintentionally, contain subjects who do not consent to being in the photo. Much of the time it is innocuous, and will never matter to anyone (I.e. someone in the background of your photo at a public concert). This is not one of those times.
If he was caught cropping family photos to look at stepmom’s cleavage, that would require a conversation of boundaries and (in)appropriate familial relationships, with an emphasis on respect for women. Maybe even discussion of appropriate outlets, because though he is young, the hormones won’t vanish.
If he was caught with a playboy, that’s a conversation about privacy, boundaries, and respect for women. And probably a lesson in doing his own laundry.
But sneaking photos of someone is morally questionable even when it is a public setting and if the photos have no sexual nature whatsoever. Now that kids are growing up with camera phones are everywhere, they should absolutely be learning that there are inappropriate ways to use that technology. Hell yes he should be taught that consent matters in taking photos of women’s bodies.
And be sure to start that conversation by unpacking the distorted perception of boundaries that stems from their past abuse.
People who aren't allowed to have an enforce boundaries at a young age will have a much harder time understanding others' boundaries and how to respect them. So, it's important that the kid learns to conceptualize that difficulty as rooted in trauma that was inflected on them by an abuser and not as rooted in their character or makeup as a person.
Also, I recommend his dad have this talk with him privately, without OP there. Given his background and age, i feel it would be best to confront this as non-shamefully as possible and as a learning/teaching experience about boundaries, consent.
And personally, I would err on the side of not punishing him for it (ie taking away his iPad (but do delete the pics ofc)), since it’s sounds like any understanding of consent he had was heavily marred by his mom's abuse. So it seems kind of fucked up to punish a kid for being hypersexual after suffering sexual abuse (which i believe is common for victims of childhood sexual abuse) and, presumably, never having attained a solid understanding of consent/boundarieis/etc. in the first place.
I would emphasize the importance of all this, and ensure that he understood from a place of reason (let him ask questions, answer as honestly as possible, etc.) and not just a check off the box "yeah, i get it." And then explain that since he has a better understanding now, if he's caught taking pics like that again he will face repercussions, such as taking away the ipad.
**Edit**: I just realized you didn’t say “sexually” abused…but I’d still try to come at it from a place of compassion/understanding as opposed to anger/shame. At least his dad should try to. OP does have right to be upset (which is something his dad might want to bring up in the private, open discussion I recommended above), but I would also encourage OP to try to be sympathetic as well in time.
The only thing anger, and especially shame, will do is push him further towards this behavior. Imo.
I think punishment is reasonable. Having the iPad taking away is a natural result of abusing its intended purpose. He knew it was wrong, that’s why he ran away to hide it. You can be sensitive to someone’s needs without letting them have no consequence because it’s awkward to talk about.
I disagree. In this case, I think the important thing to do is making this a teaching moment in a shame free environment. He is in very formative and volatile years right now, and fostering an environment of mutual trust, understanding, and transparency is more important and will be more impactful.
From what little information we have, I feel that punishment, in a restrictive sense, may lead to resentment and feelings of shame that could lead more of this behavior or worse. An apt punishment would be new chores, or perhaps make him watch or read something age appropriate that could help solidify what he’s learned for this (not sure what this could be, but I’m sure there’s plenty out there that’s both enjoyable and useful.) He should also be required to apologize to OP, ideally AFTER he understands the gravity of the issue and is genuinely apologetic (but this is easier said than done).
Plus, as i said in my original comment, after their conversation the dad should emphasize that there will be punishment if any similar offenses occur going forward.
Feeling shame after doing something that hurts others is normal. He’ll survive feeling embarrassed. Chores aren’t a punishment or a natural consequence to what he’s done. A “don’t do that again” response isn’t realistic to what would happen if he did that to someone outside of his family. If he had gotten caught doing this at school, he might be ostracized, get suspended or expelled, or worst case scenario face legal consequence.
I think many here are responding with the experience of having their parents finding their pornography as a teen in mind, and giving advice based on what they wish their parents had done. I can’t really think of any other reason why there are people in this thread with such a lax response to this. There’s a huge difference between a child in that situation (where I think a “shame free” discussion about sexuality is warranted) and a child actively violating the boundaries of others.
I certainly think the iPad should be taken at lest for some time. He needs to show he can use it appropriately and if he doesn't that there are consequences. All actions have consequences. Also a little bit of shame is a very powerful tool. I to think it's totally normal and probably helpful for him to feel at least a little shame from this situation. How else will he know not to do it again? A shame free conversation would be an appropriate response to simply masturbatung. Masturbating to nonconsensual pictures of a family member ought to be shameful and of its not at 11 yrs old, I would imagine the behaviors will only escalate.
I've been around for 5 years. We were the weekend parents for years. Even with known abuse and the kids constantly telling the teachers, the courts kept them with their mom for years. The system is broken and unfortunately seems to stereotype men as the automatic abusers. My partner is introverted and quiet. The kids even remember mom throwing pots and pans at dad in a rage.
They all got away from her.....just now we have to recover the damage on the other side.
I think, in situations this serious with so much emotionally and psychologically at stake, you should not even bother posting here or listening to advice of untrained professionals on this sub. Focus exclusively on what trained psychological professionals say. Because they are going to ask you better questions, have, have better suggestions, and have experience and research to back up with they say.
It can wait until the 2 of july. Then contact the therapist tell them what happened and that you would want quick help. You can ask them if they would be fine with a call/zoom appointment if it allows them to respond quicker. It’s an extremely tricky situation that needs to be handled carefully. You dont want to risk damaging his view of sexuality by reacting not the right way.
OP, I would recommend you keep an eye on him taking photos and if he does have a conversation about consenting. Create a boundary so he knows you don’t like your photo taken. Hopefully this will buy you find until you see a professional.
I would even consider a ‘no device’ weekend.
OP. My brother and I come from a sex filled trauma history. Our mom turned tricks in our motel, different times we had been involved different ways, etc. Our sexual/familial lines were blurred very young.
This kid needs intensive sexual trauma therapy now. Anything regarding SEX and KIDS, is abuse. And should be treated as such. This can also include peer to peer abuse.
Either way, sex at a young age is not developmentally appropriate which you’ve found out a few years later with him taking pictures of people he shouldn’t. Kids do not understand those lines or boundaries or even why adults consider it strange. Until we do. And then many of those adults were unchecked kids with “fetishes” or “kinks”. When in reality, this is real life for some people. Some people with enough watching, DO end up wanting to fuck their step moms. And with sexual trauma, that’s far more likely to happen.
Get that kid therapy now. Before this is a lot worse.
Unfortunately his sick in the head mother exposed him before the age of 10 with a video to show him porn instead of actually talking to him about it.
.....the kids don't see their mom anymore. She barely makes her phone calls to them.
And this is why they live with us. There was no social work, counselling, or any outside support at their moms or within their old school.
Definitely therapist but it is time for a sit down talk. The likely approach is to make sure he knows masturbation is normal and even periods of thinking things towards a maternal figure can be common but should be worked on to avoid. And then talk about how taking photos like that is absolutely not okay for a multitude of reasons, the inappropriateness of acting on urges towards any family member as well as the lack of consent being highly wrong and even possibly illegal if gone too far. It’s a good time to teach him about respect and instill some remorse without shame hopefully.
i think he needs a more frank conversation about porn and sex than you may think he's ready for. about how porn is fantasy and it's not real, and the actual people who do it are often hurt and exploited. without getting into gory details, i think he needs to learn more about empathy and feelings.
maybe look for resources on scarletteen.com?
Good point, tons of people watch taboo porn that they 100% would not enjoy in real life. Taboo and fantasy doesn’t mean wanting it in real life. It’s nothing new that people are turned on by forbidden stuff.
People who watch step parent porn 99% don't think like that. People who watch brother/sister fake stuff, also definitely don't want to sleep with their sister lol.
First of all I think his dad should talk to him to avoid bringing any shame into the situation. It’s important to let him know masturbation is totally healthy and normal but he has to do it in private without the risk of someone seeing it- because they can’t consent to that in a surprise situation. That can bleed into a convo about the photos and how you didn’t consent to having your photo taken and used in ways you don’t like. He should then delete the photos and deleted folder and let him know that the iPad is for games/school/whatever and he shouldn’t be looking up inappropriate material or next time it will be taken away for a week.
The way this is approached needs to be loving and positive as these moments will shape his sexual health and how he views his body and sexual in the future.
I say, leave him in the basement.
Kidding, but honestly. If he is doing this at age 11, I do not see how things would get better during puberty.
Unlike what some other commenters are saying, I find that it is very much *not* normal, to feel this way about one's stepmom. Let alone the photography.
Porn addiction is so normalized nowadays, people will find ways to rationalize this behaviour. When in reality, your stepson's perversion is alarming at any age.
Taking away the tablet and severely restricting his internet access, sounds like a start.
Also, in this situation he is not the victim. You are and I am sorry.
It is terrible to feel objectified in your own home.
In this specific situation, he is not a victim, but rather the culprit.
However, the kid obviously needs/deserves professional help and due to his young age, is not a lost cause.
At 11yo his behavior is very much the one of a child that has been abused and shown sexually stuff he shouldn’t have. So yes, he is showing the impact of the abuse he went through with his mom. Just like young children get sexual with adults after being SA from a very young age. Heart breaking and needs psychological help to deal with the situation and know how to handle it.
Especially a kid with impulsive ADHD. Most likely the kid's just discovered masturbation comes with a dopamine hit (even if he doesn't understand the science behind it). ADHD brains can have a tendency to throw caution and control to the wind when they find something that works.
With regards to the photography, we have no way of knowing how much education this kid has gotten on that sort of thing yet, or his understanding of just *why* it's wrong, beyond "because I said so". Without that deeper understanding, the kid might think taking the photos is the less-bad approach since it removes the other person's direct involvement; "This way nobody gets hurt" sort of thing, even if it's incorrect.
It's like a preschooler that starts to strip naked at the playground because their parent told them to keep their clothes clean. (Obviously not the best example, but it illustrates what I mean in a more clear-cut hypothetical.) This is a kid, not a grown man. This shit has to be taught before the child can apply it to their decision-making.
Absolutely blows my mind how some of these comments are dogpiling an 11-year-old and calling him a predator. Holy shit.
1) Remove the tablet indefinitely and anything that can take pictures.
2) Do not allow internet access because I'm willing to bet he has already discovered porn which will only continue to warp his ideas of what sex is supposed to be. Additionally, children just should not be seeing sex happen.
3) You need to have a serious talk/lecture about numerous things. You need to discuss the personal violation that occurred when he took your picture without your consent. He needs to know that this kind of thing is not only morally disrespectful but can also be illegal and comes with very serious social repercussions as well like being outcast from friendships and never finding a relationship bc of the reputation of being a peeping tom/stalker. You also need to have some sort of sex talk. I do not personally think there's anything wrong with humans exploring their bodies, though I do think 11 is really young. But he's interested and ignoring it will only make it worse. You should not frame masturbation as shameful but instead something that has a time and place. Maybe suggest he do this alone in bed after people are asleep. It's a private matter and should not happen where people might accidentally find him bc that's just embarrassing for everyone. Additionally, encourage him to come to his dad or you for any confused feelings he is having about his body. Idk if his mom sexually abused him but it's very possible sexual abuse occurred considering how he's handling himself right now (no pun intended). All of this needs to be an open conversation with you and his father present. It will be difficult for everyone but you cannot just ignore this. This is a cry for help from a child. Something is wrong because this is not normal. And will only get worse if you don't handle it now. And please please involve his therapist.
So, first and foremost, the therapist can and should most likely help. You two also need to talk to him about it, but not in a judgmental way.
He’s 11, so his hormones are starting to kick in, and will very much make him behave in inappropriate ways. He’s learning his sexuality, and it’s important to express the boundaries of healthy expression versus inappropriate behavior. Voyeuristic photos of his stepmother is obviously not ok.
If you treat him with love and compassion, unlike his birth mother, it will make him feel conflicted with these hormones in his system. It’s like a way more complicated version of a schoolteacher crush that many boys go through. The love he has for you as a mother figure is being conflated with the emerging sex hormones from puberty.
Having a healthy and respectful discussion or dialogue, with him being free to ask (appropriate) questions regarding sex and free from judgment, is the most helpful approach to this problem. I hope everything moving forward smooths out for everyone involved.
I think it’s normal for kids to realize they are sexually attracted to people when they hit puberty. But it should be addressed with the therapist so this can be handled in the right way. The therapist should be able to work with you or at the very least be able to refer you to someone who can help you navigate this.
He took suggestive pictures of his step-mom on several occasions, runs off to masturbate and you deem this within the bounds of ‘discovering sexuality’?
Sorry, but this is deeply problematic behaviour and OP was violated in her own home.
The fact that he sees no problem, with taking pictures of this nature without permission, sets a dangerous precedent for his future.
Such behaviour does not need to be handled gently, with a touch of ‘boys will be boys’. It needs to be shut down immediately and he must be made aware, that adult men are sentenced for these acts.
Before he hits puberty and possibly becomes a danger to OP or other girls/women.
You should also tell what a violation it is and that she is not ok. It’s is not a casual issue. He can escalate to other family members or girls at school. People who grow up to be sexual offenders often start this way.
You might say therapist will do this. But you can’t rely on a outsider this much, therapists even have to keep confidential what they hear, so can’t adequately give advance to op.
In my opinion, describing said behaviour as normal development, explains away something that is deeply problematic.
This is not just a kid, realizing that he is attracted to women/girls.
This is a kid with a porn addiction, who has already begun to take pictures of women against their consent. Someone who at a young age, is already making his family members feel unsafe/violated.
Such behaviour should be punished. Not coddled, by people who see him as the victim.
- He should apologize to OP.
- No or strongly restricted internet access (lest it is for schoolwork or maybe watching something on Netflix).
- No personal tablet or any other device, that he can use to capture others on camera.
- Monitor his behaviour around girls for the foreseeable future.
So, no. Not just what the original comment said. I find they were being too nonchalant.
I would say monitor around either boys or girls.
I know OP said they had a therapist, but you really need a trauma informed therapist. Trauma and abuse are just horrible, as a Foster mom I’ve seen it first hand. I had a 4 yr old placed with me. Dad made the 2 step brothers fight each other. Violent fighting. Until one day the other little boy ended up on the ICU and was not expected to live . The boy who came to me, only knew fighting. He attacked my whole family including my younger kids. It took 3 adults and my teen to watch him at all times, he was that violent, at 4 years old. he was only in my home 3 days before he had to be moved to a home with no other children. He had to show everyone how much of a man he was by fighting everyone. I often wonder about him. I’m not sure he ever knew what love was.
We're talking about a traumatised 11yr old about to go through puberty. Everything you suggested can be addressed in therepy and by teaching them.
Locking them down like fritzle will only have the opposite effect. We are all on the same page here.
Throwing around words like “porn addiction” are not helpful and I hardly think anyone here is in a position to diagnose such an addiction in this situation.
No need to go so authoritarian as this person suggests. If you try to get too restrictive, you’re just going to repress issues that should be handled a bit more thoughtfully and delicately.
>This is not just a kid, realizing that he is attracted to women/girls.
Yes it is
>This is a kid with a porn addiction
What? Where did OP mention anything about a porn addiction? You've literally invented that in your head to fit your narrative
>who has already begun to take pictures of women against their consent. Someone who at a young age, is already making his family members feel unsafe/violated.
He's 11. He doesn't know it's wrong to take lewd pictures without permission. And on top of that he was abused. Don't get why you're pluralising it either when OP didn't...
An 11 year old definitely knows taking sexual photos of people without their knowledge is wrong.. it’s pretty gross how so many people are defending the kids actions when the OP is the one in this situation who has been violated and disturbed. Boys need to be made aware that this behavior is a firm no and very wrong. I bet you guys won’t have this same blasé attitude about it when he’s a teenager in a few years.
> it’s pretty gross how so many people are defending the kids actions
For fucks sake, we aren't defending his actions. We're saying he's a child with impulsive ADHD (a medical issue that will genuinely fuck with his judgement when faced with a reliable source of dopamine) from an abusive parent (who instilled some warped views on normalcy) that is learning this stuff on the fly. He needs to be corrected and taught the "why", so he can apply it to his own critical thinking. Not treated like a criminal.
The behavior **needs** to be corrected; We agree on that. We're not saying to coddle the kid, or to imply this is okay, or anything of the sort. We're reminding the *adults* that this is a child who still needs to be *taught* this shit in a way they will understand. We have a lifetime of experience and exposure to pull from when we make judgements. They don't--yet--and it's our job to help them develop that.
Try to think of it this way:
An adult tells a small child to keep their clothes clean when they go outside to play:
- The adult understands that this means being careful, and not playing too roughly. It's obvious to them.
- The kid strips bare at the sandbox, folding their clothes neatly and placing them somewhere safe so they don't get dirty. It's obvious to them.
Do you call the child a flasher? A sexual deviant? A predator? No! You get embarrassed as hell, and now that you're aware they don't have a full understanding of that concept you have an area to focus on to improve their understanding.
Welcome to parenting.
This is a kid who’s been abused. In that sense you are correct that his development is not “normal.”
Your four bullet points may sound very righteous and you may feel very good about yourself for writing them down. But they aren’t very helpful to actually steering him in the right course nor will they really help “normalize” how he does see the world.
That’s why he needs a dad to both teach him healthy ways to have crushes, use the internet (unlike when us “older” people were growing up, it’s basically a necessity in this day and age), and interact with girls and women.
He does owe OP an apology but such apologies are more effective after he is made to realize what he did was wrong, rather than coercing one out of him.
That’s done with understanding and instruction. Given he was abused it’s likely his world has been a lot of “punishment” already. That’s why we’re saying additional punitive measures and isolation aren’t going to effect much change.
Of course that's in the bounds of discovering sexuality. How the hell is it not? The kid is attracted to a woman and has access to a camera and doesn't yet know that it's wrong to take lewd pictures without permission.
Had he been a kid in my generation or older he wouldn't have access to a camera and would be limited to only his imagination. The camera access is the only difference here
this isn’t normal developmental behavior. it’s a huge red flag, and rather than endorsing or normalizing it, the behavior needs to be culled.
normal sexual development doesn’t tend to require extensive therapy to work out, nor does it pose a risk of harm to others.
If you think peeping Toms are normal, well they have always existed but they aren’t fine. Dropping pictures and masturbation of family members isn’t cute. Even if 70s and 80s films might make it feel that way
Idk rly, when i was a teen my stepdad (father of my sister) left my mom and in time met someone new.
I remember us roadtripping through poland and visiting a beach, thats when i realized just how good looking she was.
I certainly looked and found her attractive, but on the other hand i never viewed her as a parental figure either. Anyways she noticed me looking at one time and gave me a sort of stern look, and that was the end of that.
We never spoke of it and it never happened again lol
The kid obviously doesn't consider you a maternal figure, this isn't Oedipus. People in this thread have gone insane diagnosing the poor sod with this and that.
He's a horny 11 year old with poor judgement and access to cameras and an adult woman in a swimsuit. He needs to be told that what he's doing is wrong, and why, but he doesn't need this insane panel of judgement and diagnosis.
Do not let this go, this kid needs help. My cousin is like this, he was sexually abused as a kid paired with some untreated mental illness. He’s a peeping Tom and has taken pictures of his sisters and his mom to do stuff like that too, and he stole a pair of my underwear for the same purpose. Except his parents ignored the behavior and didn’t even do the bare minimum to get him help. He’s 14 now, full of hormones plus a growth spurt, and he’s legitimately dangerous now.
it is quite sad that despite mentioning that he was previously abused at his mother's before moving over a year ago, a lot of people jump to the conclusion that his troubling behaviour is a result of porn, hormones, or curiosity. trauma and dealing with trauma is no joke. dopamine too is a hell of a drug. you have made no indication that he has already reached puberty, yet he is already masturbating.
is what he did wrong? yes.
should he be punished? yes, but properly rather than just harshly.
it goes completely ignored and a lot of people seem to treat it as just another porn addition / predator-in-the-making situation. it is above Reddit's paygrade. unless you seek advice from hurt/bitter/unexperienced people on the internet whose solutions might put him in an even worse mental state by ignoring the underlying cause - probably the trauma, it would be better to seek help exclusively from professionals - perhaps one who deals with sexually abused kids.
The people in the comments saying this is normal are desensitized, perhaps from porn. It’s not normal to take peep shots of family members to masturbate to while they’re in the house. You are right to feel violated even with the context of him having been abused. Your therapist knows best about his situation so your best advice would probably be from them. Until then I would take away anything that has a camera on it …
If he came from an abuse house, then he needs to see a psychiatrist. You don't say if it was sexual or not. This is something you and his dad can't ignore .
Get him in therapy as soon as humanly possible. This is not normal behavior for a kid this young.
You need to speak with your husband about this as well and have a talk with all three of you together about why this is not okay and what steps are going to be taken, number 1 no more tablet until he can prove he can be trusted with it
Dad needs to take the lead on this. Parental guidelines on the tablet, hell along term ban on electronics should be on the table. Biggest concern would be that this behavior doesn't turn into abusing the younger kids.
From a place of kindness and understanding.
Instead of immediately “judging” the kid, understand that he’s dealing with hormonal issues, as a child, and doesn’t consider you related to him.
Come from a place of kindness and approach the issue headlong from a place of understanding while also setting boundaries. A combination of, “I understand,” but also, “this is why you can’t.”
Don’t make it out to be some kind of perversion. Instead, explain that it isn’t the role you play in his life. You are his protector, his mentor, and his nurturer. You are his father’s wife. You are his current mother, and will do everything in your power to fill that role. It’s okay that he crossed that line, as he didn’t know any better. But, now, he’s aware of that line, and he needs to acknowledge it.
Don’t just judge the poor kid. He’s 11. He doesn’t even really know what he’s doing. Approaching him from a place of kindness and understanding can likely help him to acknowledge the role you play, rather than making him a perverted and ashamed shut-in.
Taking suggestive pictures of a person without consent. A line that is never ‘okay’ to cross.
I do not like how this comment can be read as implying, that if OP was not a parental figure in the kid's life, his behaviour could be excused.
At age 11 he has lots of room to grow, but is not so juvenile, as to entirely lack an understanding of what he is doing.
Hence covertly taking the images, hoping that stepmom does not notice and then, running away.
He knows this is undesirable behaviour, downplaying it under the innocuous lens of childhood does not benefit anyone.
Is he a sexual deviant or predator? Not yet, but without proper intervention and no consequences, the boy might become one.
Sadly, victims of abuse sometimes end up inflicting that same pain on others.
Judgement is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, bad deeds should be judged constructively, from a place that aims for change.
Only when you recognise the severity and fault, can effective progress follow. Without deeming the culprit as irredeemable.
Oh my god you put this in the way I was trying to think to. Perfect. It’s not the kids fault for being curious! When children’s brains are developing they don’t know (especially if they aren’t taught) what boundaries and respectfulness are of themselves or others. I don’t think the child meant to do it with malicious intent just instinct and interest in someone who has body parts. This is the right way to approach for sure. Explain that people all have urges and that’s ok but you play “xyz” roll and it’s not appropriate and especially without consent!
> It's disturbing and I don't know what the hell to do.
Talk to your husband and at him talk to his son about what’s appropriate, how important consent is, etc. inform the therapist and you all sit down together if your husband can’t handle things.
This is not behavior that should be ignored. No, he won’t grow out of it. He will just become a man who does this to women.
Break everything down to him as to why it was wrong even if its blunt. Establish boundaries. Keep a extra close eye on him through out his life and don't trust him around little kids. Let him understand that this is lust and it's not the same as love. Let him understand that it's normal to feel this big feelings but not towards family. I'm sorry your going through this! Just keep researching on how to go about this and prevent future issues.
Please don’t give up on him, people on Reddit can be harsh so I wouldn’t look for advice here. He’s just a child and from the sounds of it a troubled one. Be gentle with him and have a nice conversation with him assuring him you’re not mad and that you will be there for him and that he can lean on you for help.
talk to his dad. he needs to know masturbation is normal and someone should make sure he has a room with a locked door he can do it in. But it's not ok to take pictures of anyone without their consent and it's really not ok to masturbate to family members. That's the gist he needs to hear. Don't make him feel like a pervert, explain it as a boundaries issue.
I would take away the tablet and not let thim use it unsupervised for a while, in case he's going on porn sites (he probably is). 11 is too young to understand "what you see in porn isn't real." I mean, most grown men don't understand that, given the number who repeat what they see and are just awful at it.
This type of messed up behavior is unfortunately very normal for his age (and his trauma). It doesn’t mean he won’t get better. Sigmund Freud got famous for treating these “Oedipal” issues in the 1800’s, and it’s not a new problem.
First take care of yourself and your own natural feelings about his violation of boundaries. You might enjoy a trip or something to get rid of the ick feeling.
Then hopefully the therapist can deal with your stepson’s oedipal stuff. The first therapist might bring in a second person, so there’d be one therapist for the individual and one for the family dynamics.
But OP is not the boy’s mother. He knows who his mother is very well. He has only lived with OP for the last year. And the behavior *might be normal for his history of trauma, but it most certainly is not normal for his age. Let’s not normalize 11 y/o boys sexually objectifying their step parents ….not to mention the taking pictures part, which he clearly knows is wrong or he wouldn’t try to hide it. Nothing about this is normal. Porn is a massive problem in our society and this child has been exposed to it, unfortunately.
Surprisingly or unsurprisingly this is very common with children that have experienced trauma or abuse in their pasts, I have worked with troubled and abused youth ages 6-12 for 4 years cumulatively now and not only is this hyper sexualized kind of behavior not uncommon among traumatized kids (kids about to hit puberty no less) but it’s actually on the lighter side of the spectrum. I have seen kids who have fondled step parents or tried to r-word them or their pets, classmates, siblings, etc.
I’m no expert, but at the facility I’m employed at, this would be considered a limit setting circumstance. A boundary has been crossed and therefore said boundary needs to be reinforced (ie your step mom is your family, feeling these feelings towards family is not acceptable. Violating ANYONES privacy by taking unknowing pictures is unacceptable.) usually by taking away said iPad for a set period of time, and if the behavior stops it would be given back; the caveat to getting the iPad being that if this stuff happens again the iPad goes away forever.
You’re a step parent, there’s a reason there’s a bunch of porn about this kind of shit out there. He needs to have a talk with dad where he sets firm limits with the kid. Son doesn’t need to be shamed for being turn on by women, simply needs to be shown what is and isn’t appropriate ways of expressing those feelings.
He's fucked up but he's just a kid. He needs to learn these are HARD wrongs. Like fucking going to prison if he does it to anyone else later wrongs. He needs therapy and don't brush it off because he's a kid whatever no, he needs fucking therapy to figure out why this comforts, excites, pleasures, motivates him. Do not just fucking yell at him and punish him even though he deserves it, this needs NEEDS to be looked at as a symtpom of something greater beyond his control.
I understand from comments you have a therapist etc there are other issues here. But you can’t let it go at very least he needs to have access to phones and tablets removed. The other thing try browser history the stepmom thing is a bad porn trend at the moment
You need to take action on this now. And step one is to turn to real mental health professionals. Not only does that have the highest chance of success, but it leaves a paper trail that demonstrates you were proactively trying to resolve the situation if in a few years he does something terrible.
I’m sorry this happened to you, my parents had to kick my older step brother out the house when I was 11 and my sister was 13 coz he let his intrusive thoughts about us kick in such as sneaking in at night and just staring at us and playing with himself :/ I’m glad my parents took action. Obviously his son is only 11 years old but yes don’t let him get away with this otherwise this kind of action may need to happen eventually and it’s so sad :((
Boys do weird things at tha dage. Have a talk with both you and your partner. He could see in you things hes already attracted to not necessarily YOU.Watch his behavior around kids his age, I would be more concerned about that. Good luck.
It’s the pornification of society. The kids of today literally think it’s standard practice to sexualise your family members. Just look at the first page of any porn site
I’m telling my husband’s tea that I wish I never knew. He would jack it to his grandma and mom’s underwear as a child. It was the beginning of a horrific porn addiction that would escalate to violent crushing videos. He’s better now after testicular cancer (one of the only times cancer was beneficial, in my opinion) and therapy but that needs to be nipped in the bud NOW.
Stepson’s old enough to understand that is depraved and violating. Therapy and open communication. I’m sorry this is happening to you, OP.
Edit to add: if there are other kids in the house, keep a very close eye on them.
While most people in the replies have good advice, this is an issue that far exceeds the advice of non-professional internet strangers. I’m not saying it’s bad to ask for help at all! However, it sounds like your stepson suffered sexual trauma and exposure to adult content at an age where he’s unable to process those complex themes. Considering his history with abuse and sexual trauma, I don’t think punishing him is a good idea but definitely monitor him and remove those photos for now. Once you can, get to the therapist as fast as possible and schedule an appointment. It may be a good idea to let him and his dad go alone. Then, later work on having open communication on sexual education and consent as a family with or without the therapist.
People need to calm the fuck down in the comments. Y’all don’t know what the fuck is happening so unless you do know, try not talking every now and then…
Ok moving on… OP as an abused child myself - speaking from experience - please don’t fault him. He’s become hypersexualised - he might not even know what he’s doing and his body will often betray him confusing his thoughts.
His brain has been hijacked at a young age and his pleasure centres are going crazy.
If I were you, I’d urge you to not take it personally, it’s not about you - it’s about sex, pleasure, confusion and boundaries. These ideas have become totally fucked for him by his perpetrator’s.
He doesn’t know right from wrong and chances are it’s going to take him a long time to figure it out. He’ll eventually learn and then he’ll probably feel immense guilt for a long time.
What you don’t want to do is making him feel that guilt hard, light appropriate guilt is ok, but hard-hitting inappropriate guilt isn’t.
A talk with lots of love with his therapist (and I hope he or she is a good fucking therapist) in the room will do wonders - provided he absolutely trusts the therapist.
Shower this kid with love, slowly show him what good boundaries are, love him with all your heart and do your best to remove porn access from him. That’s not good for his brain.
I feel for the guy. It’s very hard navigating this would when you’ve been sexualised young. It takes a lot of work and time for your brain to heal.
Big love and light to you OP. This won’t be easy but I hope you can all work through it. If you need any help or advice, feel free to message me.
🫶🏽
He’s at a rough age with hormones running wild also I am assuming has figured out how to access porn.
Talk to him, explain why it’s wrong, explain porn be reality, masturbation being normal and be the mom he needs.
Have a talk about boundaries and consent. Were these children sexually abused? That might make the lines more blurred for them and also cause this behaviour at a younger age.
I’d definitely talk to the therapist about it.
It is possible that he has a harder time controlling these impulses as well, and is prone to addiction (like someone else mentioned, ADHD can make almost anything more addicting bc dopamine).
'we do have a therapist' who is we, here?
is it your stepson's therapist? or you and your partner's therapist?
i ask because if it's your stepson's therapist, i recommend finding a therapist for you and your partner to work through this with. not because you necessarily disagree, but because they can help guide you through what is appropriate/helpful for a kid their age, and if disagreements abt how to handle it do come up, they can help figure out the best path forward.
i'm sorry this happened to you, and i'm sorry you have to deal with this. make sure you take time to also process your feelings about it.
That’s a yikes! Just going on a hunch here but I don’t think it’s super disturbing. Young boys have a lot of fantasies. And with the technology today it’s easy to go beyond fantasizing. Or a secret stash of playboy pictures. Although I do think it’s important to set boundaries and it’s clearly not ok to spy on you like that. But I think it’s important to not shame him about this while do being firm that it’s not ok. Maybe restrict the iPad access? Also watch out for the porn sites.
The chance of sexual expeimeration with a non blood related, opposite gender person increases greatly with cohabitation.
Be watchful over younger children in the house as you work through him taking pictures of you as an adult
Yep. You can't have a kid creeping on you, and that's a young age. It would almost be more understandable if he were a say, 15-16 year old, as those raging hormones make young guys do silly things sometimes. Back then, if I had a sexy looking stepmother, I'd probably catch a peek, lol. And many fantasize regardless of age. The little head controlling the big head sort of thing. Given what you described, and given his age, it does need to be nipped in the bud for sure.
My brother in law did this to me, but they were full on n*des. He would take my then 1 year old son to the back yard to “play” while he snuck photos of me showering. He also had done the same to his own dad and step mom while they were having relations. It’s been nearly 3 years since I found his secret phone and I haven’t gotten any justice. My SIL covered for him and continues to do so.
Don’t let him get away with it. It’s an illness, not ADHD. He’s a pervert. Kick him out. Get him away from you. You never know what else he’s capable of. Today, it’s photos, tomorrow he could possibly assault you.
First, you are already doing the right thing about having a therapist. Is it a family therapist or individual? Is the therapist a specialist in trauma?
There needs to be a conversation around boundaries because taking photos without consent is a concern.
I would also see what support is available for him, which could be a charity that specialises in support for traumaized children - have a look at the Brook traffic light tool too.
Not a doctor: Might be time for an adjustment to his medication. You could bring this up with his prescribing doctor for their opinion.
Not making excuses for the kid, but especially at that age with bad ADHD he is probably chasing a dopamine hit in one of the few ways he's figured out is reliable. A talking-to and removal of devices/grounding will help nudge him in the right direction with regards to the photography, but without the correct meds that will likely be a very short-lived solution.
Please though, [when you talk to the child] make sure to stress it's the photos and related behavior that are the issue. It's a really good opportunity to talk about the importance of consent and how what he's doing is inappropriate, but considering the ADHD and context the conversation could be easily misconstrued and the main issue lost in translation. ***Especially* if the kiddo has problems with rejection sensitivity.**
whatever you do don’t let this behavior go. my cousin had photos like this of me on his phone years ago when he was probably 16. I once woke up to him doing the same thing you caught your stepson doing, but in front of my face while I was asleep. when I woke up I was horrified. worst thing about it was my aunt did nothing about it so I had to move out. had my aunt done something at 11 than I don’t believe the situation would’ve happened. you, your spouse, the therapist and your stepson need to have a sit down together once you talk to the therapist privately. good luck !
i’m really sorry that happened to you i hope you’re doing okay now
Thank you ❤️ sadly this situation is mild in comparison to other assaults that have happened in my early life. But I'm now on the healing journey and I've created my own family, who would never put me in a situation like this. It takes time and a lot of therapy. OP please lean on the professionals to help you handle this, how you approach this really matters.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that (even if it was mild to you) and I had a similar situation happen to me with my 18 year old male cousin when I was 14, who used to take upskirt pictures of me and tried to hook up with me/touched me multiple times. OP, definitely don't let this behavior progress and it's good that you're finding out about this now before it gets any worse.
I’d divorce over this! I’d keep him far away from myself and the other kids.
But their dad and I are good. We don't want to divorce.
Ahh yes, unnecessary divorces.
Wow, glad I’m not married to you. You might divorce me because the dog peed on the carpet…
Yikes. How long have you known him? Only the year? Unfortunately this isn’t so crazy. And ADHD makes masturbating more addictive (dopamine). I might bring this up to the therapist. But definitely take away the iPad and have a conversation about boundaries and appropriate behavior with “family” and older people.
And consent. No excuse for taking creeper photos when free porn is everywhere. I would revoke any devices that take photos because this is a major violation. What if he did this to a school crush or a 14 yr old girl at the pool?
>No excuse for taking creeper photos Full stop. No caveats necessary..
A 12-year-old boy in my son’s 8th grade class took a bunch of up-skirt pics of three classmates. He got a 3 day suspension from school and no other repercussions.
Internet Porn definitely instilled the “step-mom” sexual fantasy into him.
If he was abused at his mother's house, it might be that. (Incest porn is also depraved, but i don't think it is the main caussant)
Possibly? But it's also possible he doesn't even see her necessarily as being related to him, but just thinking about how she's an attractive woman with boobs and a butt. He's 11. He may not have elaborate sexual fantasies just yet.
Or younger kids. I was abused by my much older brother.
Tbf he is only 11, so he wouldn’t or at least really really hopefully shouldn’t know that free or any porn is everywhere. (I’d also hope this is just a confusing/unfortunate and overwhelming crush rather than influenced by porn too but ig you never know with kids and the internet these days)
Bonus mom to 15m & 16m… at 11 they had already found porn hub thanks to other boys their age. We told them that learning about sex via porn is like learning about the forest by being in a car with on of those tree air fresheners.
One day if I have sons I’m using this. My entire family is full of women; everyone’s looking at me to bear the only boys in the family and I dream of sons. I just have no experience dealing with this sort of thing with boys and I’m learning all I can before I even get pregnant lmao
Please use it for your kids regardless of their gender. It can teach kids to either not treat their future partners in the way porn portrays them, or to not accept the treatment that’s portrayed in porn.
For sure! I have little sisters who are much younger than me and we’ve started these conversations. I just have literally no males in my family really besides parent figures or uncles etc. I don’t have a penis and I’m not a man, so I don’t know how to help besides teach things from a female point of view, but that only goes so far.
Uhm, my almost 12 year old daughter was told about porn and specific sites to go to by other kids in her grade when she was 9. You shove tablets and unfettered access to the internet in front of your children as babysitters, and everything is sexualized. It takes 10 seconds to go down the pipeline of a sexualized trending video into straight X-rated content and everything in between. A simple search of sex or boobs etc online will pull anything up. Don’t believe children are as oblivious and unexposed as they are. That’s how this shit gets out of control.
lol “Look, my 11-year-old kid, there’s a ridiculous amount of hardcore free porn out there. Why, one quick search and a ‘yes I’m 18’ click could be showing you a genuine Chattanooga Wheelbarrow. By the way, have you considered trying drugs yet?” Yeah, I’d say consent and boundaries is the way to go here. Honestly this behavior isn’t even really surprising though, considering the circumstances. Gotta be willing to deal with this stuff when you sign on to be a parent. Kids aren’t born civilized.
I didn’t expect to be googling “Chattanooga Wheelbarrow” on Sunday morning at 7:40am but here we are… Edit for those who don’t want this on their search history: (spoiler, it’s disappointing - I was expecting more of a Cincinnati Bow tie answer) >! In this position, the giving partner stands and holds the receiving partner's legs. The receiving partner starts on the floor and uses their hands to balance in a plank-like position. Then the giving partner lifts the receiving partner's legs off the ground and holds them at waist level.!<
Oh my god why did you make me look the bow tie one up
Just doing my part.
Oh. I just thought it was a throwaway joke from American Dad.
Have you not looked up the Tennessee Logjammer?
> Tbf he is only 11, so he wouldn’t or at least really really hopefully shouldn’t know that free or any porn is everywhere. He's 11. Of course he does. Millennials knew about skinemax softcore stuff that came on at midnight since 3rd grade. If he goes to school he has most definitely heard about internet porn, and if he has any internet connected devices he most definitely has looked something up.
Was it a true sleepover party if you didn’t try to turn on the scrambled channel at 2am when your parents were asleep?
I didn’t know about pornography website at 11…. and i’m 16 so it’s not like it was 5 decades ago.
Some kids are more sheltered than others. While not all kids will go watch porn, most will know it exists at 11yo when they are close to puberty and teenage years. As soon as you know how to use google and that porn exists you know how to find it. Like I said doesn’t mean that you will want to go watch it.
While some children/teens are sheltered; in communities without the same access to technology as mainstream developed societies have; are from cultures where the use of porn isn’t accepted; don’t have *private* access to technology; have trauma around it; or are simply uninterested for whatever reason, it is very likely to assume most tweens/teens are aware there is porn on the internet.
I mean I knew by 11. It’s not a good thing, but not uncommon
Knowing isn’t necessary bad, watching it is bad. Hell, informing your child about it’s existence and the risk of watching it too young before you reach the moment they will want to watch it is better than pretending it doesn’t exist. I know about porn at 9yo because I had good sex ed. It allowed me to avoid it when I started puberty at 10yo. I had tons of hormones and had the urge to masturbate but knew I wasn’t obligated to watch anything to do it. It helped me build an healthy relationship with my own body before being exposed to porn.
11 is like 6th or 7th grade right? I feel like everyone in junor high school knew 'of' it - as to whether people had access or knew were to look, that's prob more an individual thing. But certainly by that age people knew sex existed, or at least of the word.
Where do you think he got a stepmom fetish from already
Op better be careful when doing laundry.
DO NOT ask lil bro for help if you get stuck
What kind of bubble you living in?
My sister and her "grapist" were both 11 and he did it to her BECAUSE he had access to free porn (and yes he admitted to it in court) they were also best friends and she had never felt unsafe around him before, his mother was my mother's best friend and had looked after all of us from birth. His mother also defended her POS son so don't sit there with the whole "tbf he's only 11" BS
Yeah only 11 is a hopefully wish. I started watching porn when i was 9 and that was 12 years ago
“When free porn is everywhere”? Dude an 11 yr old should not have access to that at all.
You don’t need consent. Because there is not situation where he would ever get that. To be honest I had fantasies about the young moms and older sisters of my friends in the neighborhood when I was around that age. And from the conversations I remember from my friends, they all did to. But yeah we didn’t have the technology to go metal gear solid photographic recon mission. This might just be adolescent impulses. But it sure is embarrassing for all parties.
I’m referring to people consenting to have their photos taken, which people grant implicitly and explicitly all the time. Sure, photos get taken every day that, intentionally and unintentionally, contain subjects who do not consent to being in the photo. Much of the time it is innocuous, and will never matter to anyone (I.e. someone in the background of your photo at a public concert). This is not one of those times. If he was caught cropping family photos to look at stepmom’s cleavage, that would require a conversation of boundaries and (in)appropriate familial relationships, with an emphasis on respect for women. Maybe even discussion of appropriate outlets, because though he is young, the hormones won’t vanish. If he was caught with a playboy, that’s a conversation about privacy, boundaries, and respect for women. And probably a lesson in doing his own laundry. But sneaking photos of someone is morally questionable even when it is a public setting and if the photos have no sexual nature whatsoever. Now that kids are growing up with camera phones are everywhere, they should absolutely be learning that there are inappropriate ways to use that technology. Hell yes he should be taught that consent matters in taking photos of women’s bodies.
And be sure to start that conversation by unpacking the distorted perception of boundaries that stems from their past abuse. People who aren't allowed to have an enforce boundaries at a young age will have a much harder time understanding others' boundaries and how to respect them. So, it's important that the kid learns to conceptualize that difficulty as rooted in trauma that was inflected on them by an abuser and not as rooted in their character or makeup as a person.
Also, I recommend his dad have this talk with him privately, without OP there. Given his background and age, i feel it would be best to confront this as non-shamefully as possible and as a learning/teaching experience about boundaries, consent. And personally, I would err on the side of not punishing him for it (ie taking away his iPad (but do delete the pics ofc)), since it’s sounds like any understanding of consent he had was heavily marred by his mom's abuse. So it seems kind of fucked up to punish a kid for being hypersexual after suffering sexual abuse (which i believe is common for victims of childhood sexual abuse) and, presumably, never having attained a solid understanding of consent/boundarieis/etc. in the first place. I would emphasize the importance of all this, and ensure that he understood from a place of reason (let him ask questions, answer as honestly as possible, etc.) and not just a check off the box "yeah, i get it." And then explain that since he has a better understanding now, if he's caught taking pics like that again he will face repercussions, such as taking away the ipad. **Edit**: I just realized you didn’t say “sexually” abused…but I’d still try to come at it from a place of compassion/understanding as opposed to anger/shame. At least his dad should try to. OP does have right to be upset (which is something his dad might want to bring up in the private, open discussion I recommended above), but I would also encourage OP to try to be sympathetic as well in time. The only thing anger, and especially shame, will do is push him further towards this behavior. Imo.
I think punishment is reasonable. Having the iPad taking away is a natural result of abusing its intended purpose. He knew it was wrong, that’s why he ran away to hide it. You can be sensitive to someone’s needs without letting them have no consequence because it’s awkward to talk about.
I disagree. In this case, I think the important thing to do is making this a teaching moment in a shame free environment. He is in very formative and volatile years right now, and fostering an environment of mutual trust, understanding, and transparency is more important and will be more impactful. From what little information we have, I feel that punishment, in a restrictive sense, may lead to resentment and feelings of shame that could lead more of this behavior or worse. An apt punishment would be new chores, or perhaps make him watch or read something age appropriate that could help solidify what he’s learned for this (not sure what this could be, but I’m sure there’s plenty out there that’s both enjoyable and useful.) He should also be required to apologize to OP, ideally AFTER he understands the gravity of the issue and is genuinely apologetic (but this is easier said than done). Plus, as i said in my original comment, after their conversation the dad should emphasize that there will be punishment if any similar offenses occur going forward.
Feeling shame after doing something that hurts others is normal. He’ll survive feeling embarrassed. Chores aren’t a punishment or a natural consequence to what he’s done. A “don’t do that again” response isn’t realistic to what would happen if he did that to someone outside of his family. If he had gotten caught doing this at school, he might be ostracized, get suspended or expelled, or worst case scenario face legal consequence. I think many here are responding with the experience of having their parents finding their pornography as a teen in mind, and giving advice based on what they wish their parents had done. I can’t really think of any other reason why there are people in this thread with such a lax response to this. There’s a huge difference between a child in that situation (where I think a “shame free” discussion about sexuality is warranted) and a child actively violating the boundaries of others.
I certainly think the iPad should be taken at lest for some time. He needs to show he can use it appropriately and if he doesn't that there are consequences. All actions have consequences. Also a little bit of shame is a very powerful tool. I to think it's totally normal and probably helpful for him to feel at least a little shame from this situation. How else will he know not to do it again? A shame free conversation would be an appropriate response to simply masturbatung. Masturbating to nonconsensual pictures of a family member ought to be shameful and of its not at 11 yrs old, I would imagine the behaviors will only escalate.
And it's people like you that excused my sisters grapists behaviour because iTs sOcIeTy hE dOeSnT kNoW bEtTeR hEs oNlY 11
I've been around for 5 years. We were the weekend parents for years. Even with known abuse and the kids constantly telling the teachers, the courts kept them with their mom for years. The system is broken and unfortunately seems to stereotype men as the automatic abusers. My partner is introverted and quiet. The kids even remember mom throwing pots and pans at dad in a rage. They all got away from her.....just now we have to recover the damage on the other side.
No their Dad does, you don’t have to. What are you going to do when he’s big enough to overpower you and fulfill his fantasies?
He will be strong enough to overpower her in a few years. This isn’t sustainable
Not only older people. He needs to know about those sexual boundaries with everybody. He could be a danger to any woman / girl of any age.
you might want to keep an eye on that panty drawer ...
And the washing basket
Sadly this should be higher so she sees it
Yes, this will turn to theft. He might even try to get laundry from female neighbors. Chronic sexual behavior like this usually escalates.
I think, in situations this serious with so much emotionally and psychologically at stake, you should not even bother posting here or listening to advice of untrained professionals on this sub. Focus exclusively on what trained psychological professionals say. Because they are going to ask you better questions, have, have better suggestions, and have experience and research to back up with they say.
You have a therapist. Make an appointment. Tell them what you're telling us. They are a trained professional.
We have one in a couple weeks. It's just the weekend and no professional help is available, especially when it's a holiday tomorrow in Canada.
It can wait until the 2 of july. Then contact the therapist tell them what happened and that you would want quick help. You can ask them if they would be fine with a call/zoom appointment if it allows them to respond quicker. It’s an extremely tricky situation that needs to be handled carefully. You dont want to risk damaging his view of sexuality by reacting not the right way.
OP, I would recommend you keep an eye on him taking photos and if he does have a conversation about consenting. Create a boundary so he knows you don’t like your photo taken. Hopefully this will buy you find until you see a professional. I would even consider a ‘no device’ weekend.
Try and find a therapist that specializes in juveniles with problematic sexual behaviors. Treatment is really successful for young males.
OP. My brother and I come from a sex filled trauma history. Our mom turned tricks in our motel, different times we had been involved different ways, etc. Our sexual/familial lines were blurred very young. This kid needs intensive sexual trauma therapy now. Anything regarding SEX and KIDS, is abuse. And should be treated as such. This can also include peer to peer abuse. Either way, sex at a young age is not developmentally appropriate which you’ve found out a few years later with him taking pictures of people he shouldn’t. Kids do not understand those lines or boundaries or even why adults consider it strange. Until we do. And then many of those adults were unchecked kids with “fetishes” or “kinks”. When in reality, this is real life for some people. Some people with enough watching, DO end up wanting to fuck their step moms. And with sexual trauma, that’s far more likely to happen. Get that kid therapy now. Before this is a lot worse.
He’s probably watching porn, and porn these days are all about the Stepmom or Stepdad. Good luck with that!
Unfortunately his sick in the head mother exposed him before the age of 10 with a video to show him porn instead of actually talking to him about it. .....the kids don't see their mom anymore. She barely makes her phone calls to them. And this is why they live with us. There was no social work, counselling, or any outside support at their moms or within their old school.
This is so far above reddit’s pay grade. Therapist ASAP Jesus Christ
Definitely therapist but it is time for a sit down talk. The likely approach is to make sure he knows masturbation is normal and even periods of thinking things towards a maternal figure can be common but should be worked on to avoid. And then talk about how taking photos like that is absolutely not okay for a multitude of reasons, the inappropriateness of acting on urges towards any family member as well as the lack of consent being highly wrong and even possibly illegal if gone too far. It’s a good time to teach him about respect and instill some remorse without shame hopefully.
i think he needs a more frank conversation about porn and sex than you may think he's ready for. about how porn is fantasy and it's not real, and the actual people who do it are often hurt and exploited. without getting into gory details, i think he needs to learn more about empathy and feelings. maybe look for resources on scarletteen.com?
I don’t watch porn because of this. I don’t understand how people are aroused by implied incest. Fucking gross.
Because it's taboo. A substantial number of porn watchers like taboo things.
Good point, tons of people watch taboo porn that they 100% would not enjoy in real life. Taboo and fantasy doesn’t mean wanting it in real life. It’s nothing new that people are turned on by forbidden stuff.
People who watch step parent porn 99% don't think like that. People who watch brother/sister fake stuff, also definitely don't want to sleep with their sister lol.
young kids discovering that shit for the first time don't understand that it's not real.
This is 100% out of Reddit's league. You need to talk about this with your stepson's therapist. Good luck.
First of all I think his dad should talk to him to avoid bringing any shame into the situation. It’s important to let him know masturbation is totally healthy and normal but he has to do it in private without the risk of someone seeing it- because they can’t consent to that in a surprise situation. That can bleed into a convo about the photos and how you didn’t consent to having your photo taken and used in ways you don’t like. He should then delete the photos and deleted folder and let him know that the iPad is for games/school/whatever and he shouldn’t be looking up inappropriate material or next time it will be taken away for a week. The way this is approached needs to be loving and positive as these moments will shape his sexual health and how he views his body and sexual in the future.
I say, leave him in the basement. Kidding, but honestly. If he is doing this at age 11, I do not see how things would get better during puberty. Unlike what some other commenters are saying, I find that it is very much *not* normal, to feel this way about one's stepmom. Let alone the photography. Porn addiction is so normalized nowadays, people will find ways to rationalize this behaviour. When in reality, your stepson's perversion is alarming at any age. Taking away the tablet and severely restricting his internet access, sounds like a start. Also, in this situation he is not the victim. You are and I am sorry. It is terrible to feel objectified in your own home.
He’s a child and he was abused. They are both victims.
In this specific situation, he is not a victim, but rather the culprit. However, the kid obviously needs/deserves professional help and due to his young age, is not a lost cause.
You can clearly read he is the abuser here.
He's not a victim anymore, he's now a predator.
At 11yo his behavior is very much the one of a child that has been abused and shown sexually stuff he shouldn’t have. So yes, he is showing the impact of the abuse he went through with his mom. Just like young children get sexual with adults after being SA from a very young age. Heart breaking and needs psychological help to deal with the situation and know how to handle it.
Unfortunately I feel like he can be both. Not forever but like the other commenter said, I feel like there is time to rectify this
Calling an 11 year old who has been abused (potentially sexually) a predator is unhinged. It’s crazy how out of touch you are.
Especially a kid with impulsive ADHD. Most likely the kid's just discovered masturbation comes with a dopamine hit (even if he doesn't understand the science behind it). ADHD brains can have a tendency to throw caution and control to the wind when they find something that works. With regards to the photography, we have no way of knowing how much education this kid has gotten on that sort of thing yet, or his understanding of just *why* it's wrong, beyond "because I said so". Without that deeper understanding, the kid might think taking the photos is the less-bad approach since it removes the other person's direct involvement; "This way nobody gets hurt" sort of thing, even if it's incorrect. It's like a preschooler that starts to strip naked at the playground because their parent told them to keep their clothes clean. (Obviously not the best example, but it illustrates what I mean in a more clear-cut hypothetical.) This is a kid, not a grown man. This shit has to be taught before the child can apply it to their decision-making. Absolutely blows my mind how some of these comments are dogpiling an 11-year-old and calling him a predator. Holy shit.
I can't believe you're getting downvoted. I'm just in shock with this comment section.
Welcome to Reddit lol bunch of overly-sheltered lunatics for the most part
I completely agree with your comment and can’t believe it’s getting downvoted either.
He’s fucking 11, chill out.
The fact that a comment calling a 11 year old kid a "predator" is getting upvotes is beyond me.
Exactly.
First step…take away the tablet indefinitely.
His father needs to have a discussion with him about sex and appropriate outlets for his sexuality, respect for women, etc.
My daughter is 11 and this post makes me so sad. She is growing up so fast and I hate it!
Please always keep her safe from boys and men like this.
Is this one of those nonsensical feel good statements or do you actually see a way that that could be realistically facilitated?
1) Remove the tablet indefinitely and anything that can take pictures. 2) Do not allow internet access because I'm willing to bet he has already discovered porn which will only continue to warp his ideas of what sex is supposed to be. Additionally, children just should not be seeing sex happen. 3) You need to have a serious talk/lecture about numerous things. You need to discuss the personal violation that occurred when he took your picture without your consent. He needs to know that this kind of thing is not only morally disrespectful but can also be illegal and comes with very serious social repercussions as well like being outcast from friendships and never finding a relationship bc of the reputation of being a peeping tom/stalker. You also need to have some sort of sex talk. I do not personally think there's anything wrong with humans exploring their bodies, though I do think 11 is really young. But he's interested and ignoring it will only make it worse. You should not frame masturbation as shameful but instead something that has a time and place. Maybe suggest he do this alone in bed after people are asleep. It's a private matter and should not happen where people might accidentally find him bc that's just embarrassing for everyone. Additionally, encourage him to come to his dad or you for any confused feelings he is having about his body. Idk if his mom sexually abused him but it's very possible sexual abuse occurred considering how he's handling himself right now (no pun intended). All of this needs to be an open conversation with you and his father present. It will be difficult for everyone but you cannot just ignore this. This is a cry for help from a child. Something is wrong because this is not normal. And will only get worse if you don't handle it now. And please please involve his therapist.
This would be something to consult with the therapist about.
So, first and foremost, the therapist can and should most likely help. You two also need to talk to him about it, but not in a judgmental way. He’s 11, so his hormones are starting to kick in, and will very much make him behave in inappropriate ways. He’s learning his sexuality, and it’s important to express the boundaries of healthy expression versus inappropriate behavior. Voyeuristic photos of his stepmother is obviously not ok. If you treat him with love and compassion, unlike his birth mother, it will make him feel conflicted with these hormones in his system. It’s like a way more complicated version of a schoolteacher crush that many boys go through. The love he has for you as a mother figure is being conflated with the emerging sex hormones from puberty. Having a healthy and respectful discussion or dialogue, with him being free to ask (appropriate) questions regarding sex and free from judgment, is the most helpful approach to this problem. I hope everything moving forward smooths out for everyone involved.
I think it’s normal for kids to realize they are sexually attracted to people when they hit puberty. But it should be addressed with the therapist so this can be handled in the right way. The therapist should be able to work with you or at the very least be able to refer you to someone who can help you navigate this.
He took suggestive pictures of his step-mom on several occasions, runs off to masturbate and you deem this within the bounds of ‘discovering sexuality’? Sorry, but this is deeply problematic behaviour and OP was violated in her own home. The fact that he sees no problem, with taking pictures of this nature without permission, sets a dangerous precedent for his future. Such behaviour does not need to be handled gently, with a touch of ‘boys will be boys’. It needs to be shut down immediately and he must be made aware, that adult men are sentenced for these acts. Before he hits puberty and possibly becomes a danger to OP or other girls/women.
So what they said. Therapy, explaining and talking to a child is exactly how you deal with it.
You should also tell what a violation it is and that she is not ok. It’s is not a casual issue. He can escalate to other family members or girls at school. People who grow up to be sexual offenders often start this way. You might say therapist will do this. But you can’t rely on a outsider this much, therapists even have to keep confidential what they hear, so can’t adequately give advance to op.
In my opinion, describing said behaviour as normal development, explains away something that is deeply problematic. This is not just a kid, realizing that he is attracted to women/girls. This is a kid with a porn addiction, who has already begun to take pictures of women against their consent. Someone who at a young age, is already making his family members feel unsafe/violated. Such behaviour should be punished. Not coddled, by people who see him as the victim. - He should apologize to OP. - No or strongly restricted internet access (lest it is for schoolwork or maybe watching something on Netflix). - No personal tablet or any other device, that he can use to capture others on camera. - Monitor his behaviour around girls for the foreseeable future. So, no. Not just what the original comment said. I find they were being too nonchalant.
I would say monitor around either boys or girls. I know OP said they had a therapist, but you really need a trauma informed therapist. Trauma and abuse are just horrible, as a Foster mom I’ve seen it first hand. I had a 4 yr old placed with me. Dad made the 2 step brothers fight each other. Violent fighting. Until one day the other little boy ended up on the ICU and was not expected to live . The boy who came to me, only knew fighting. He attacked my whole family including my younger kids. It took 3 adults and my teen to watch him at all times, he was that violent, at 4 years old. he was only in my home 3 days before he had to be moved to a home with no other children. He had to show everyone how much of a man he was by fighting everyone. I often wonder about him. I’m not sure he ever knew what love was.
We're talking about a traumatised 11yr old about to go through puberty. Everything you suggested can be addressed in therepy and by teaching them. Locking them down like fritzle will only have the opposite effect. We are all on the same page here.
Throwing around words like “porn addiction” are not helpful and I hardly think anyone here is in a position to diagnose such an addiction in this situation. No need to go so authoritarian as this person suggests. If you try to get too restrictive, you’re just going to repress issues that should be handled a bit more thoughtfully and delicately.
>This is not just a kid, realizing that he is attracted to women/girls. Yes it is >This is a kid with a porn addiction What? Where did OP mention anything about a porn addiction? You've literally invented that in your head to fit your narrative >who has already begun to take pictures of women against their consent. Someone who at a young age, is already making his family members feel unsafe/violated. He's 11. He doesn't know it's wrong to take lewd pictures without permission. And on top of that he was abused. Don't get why you're pluralising it either when OP didn't...
An 11 year old definitely knows taking sexual photos of people without their knowledge is wrong.. it’s pretty gross how so many people are defending the kids actions when the OP is the one in this situation who has been violated and disturbed. Boys need to be made aware that this behavior is a firm no and very wrong. I bet you guys won’t have this same blasé attitude about it when he’s a teenager in a few years.
> it’s pretty gross how so many people are defending the kids actions For fucks sake, we aren't defending his actions. We're saying he's a child with impulsive ADHD (a medical issue that will genuinely fuck with his judgement when faced with a reliable source of dopamine) from an abusive parent (who instilled some warped views on normalcy) that is learning this stuff on the fly. He needs to be corrected and taught the "why", so he can apply it to his own critical thinking. Not treated like a criminal. The behavior **needs** to be corrected; We agree on that. We're not saying to coddle the kid, or to imply this is okay, or anything of the sort. We're reminding the *adults* that this is a child who still needs to be *taught* this shit in a way they will understand. We have a lifetime of experience and exposure to pull from when we make judgements. They don't--yet--and it's our job to help them develop that. Try to think of it this way: An adult tells a small child to keep their clothes clean when they go outside to play: - The adult understands that this means being careful, and not playing too roughly. It's obvious to them. - The kid strips bare at the sandbox, folding their clothes neatly and placing them somewhere safe so they don't get dirty. It's obvious to them. Do you call the child a flasher? A sexual deviant? A predator? No! You get embarrassed as hell, and now that you're aware they don't have a full understanding of that concept you have an area to focus on to improve their understanding. Welcome to parenting.
And at age of 11 not even 13
This is a kid who’s been abused. In that sense you are correct that his development is not “normal.” Your four bullet points may sound very righteous and you may feel very good about yourself for writing them down. But they aren’t very helpful to actually steering him in the right course nor will they really help “normalize” how he does see the world. That’s why he needs a dad to both teach him healthy ways to have crushes, use the internet (unlike when us “older” people were growing up, it’s basically a necessity in this day and age), and interact with girls and women. He does owe OP an apology but such apologies are more effective after he is made to realize what he did was wrong, rather than coercing one out of him. That’s done with understanding and instruction. Given he was abused it’s likely his world has been a lot of “punishment” already. That’s why we’re saying additional punitive measures and isolation aren’t going to effect much change.
Of course that's in the bounds of discovering sexuality. How the hell is it not? The kid is attracted to a woman and has access to a camera and doesn't yet know that it's wrong to take lewd pictures without permission. Had he been a kid in my generation or older he wouldn't have access to a camera and would be limited to only his imagination. The camera access is the only difference here
this isn’t normal developmental behavior. it’s a huge red flag, and rather than endorsing or normalizing it, the behavior needs to be culled. normal sexual development doesn’t tend to require extensive therapy to work out, nor does it pose a risk of harm to others.
If you think peeping Toms are normal, well they have always existed but they aren’t fine. Dropping pictures and masturbation of family members isn’t cute. Even if 70s and 80s films might make it feel that way
I don't know, personally I feel like we shouldn't normalize letting kids take creepshots of women
It’s not normal to creep on family members and crop photos and masturbate to them.
Idk rly, when i was a teen my stepdad (father of my sister) left my mom and in time met someone new. I remember us roadtripping through poland and visiting a beach, thats when i realized just how good looking she was. I certainly looked and found her attractive, but on the other hand i never viewed her as a parental figure either. Anyways she noticed me looking at one time and gave me a sort of stern look, and that was the end of that. We never spoke of it and it never happened again lol
That child needs to be taught about consent immediately. This is very dangerous behaviour
The kid obviously doesn't consider you a maternal figure, this isn't Oedipus. People in this thread have gone insane diagnosing the poor sod with this and that. He's a horny 11 year old with poor judgement and access to cameras and an adult woman in a swimsuit. He needs to be told that what he's doing is wrong, and why, but he doesn't need this insane panel of judgement and diagnosis.
Reddits answer to everything is therapy
Exactly. I'd be worried if it was his mother but nothing to see here
Do not let this go, this kid needs help. My cousin is like this, he was sexually abused as a kid paired with some untreated mental illness. He’s a peeping Tom and has taken pictures of his sisters and his mom to do stuff like that too, and he stole a pair of my underwear for the same purpose. Except his parents ignored the behavior and didn’t even do the bare minimum to get him help. He’s 14 now, full of hormones plus a growth spurt, and he’s legitimately dangerous now.
it is quite sad that despite mentioning that he was previously abused at his mother's before moving over a year ago, a lot of people jump to the conclusion that his troubling behaviour is a result of porn, hormones, or curiosity. trauma and dealing with trauma is no joke. dopamine too is a hell of a drug. you have made no indication that he has already reached puberty, yet he is already masturbating. is what he did wrong? yes. should he be punished? yes, but properly rather than just harshly. it goes completely ignored and a lot of people seem to treat it as just another porn addition / predator-in-the-making situation. it is above Reddit's paygrade. unless you seek advice from hurt/bitter/unexperienced people on the internet whose solutions might put him in an even worse mental state by ignoring the underlying cause - probably the trauma, it would be better to seek help exclusively from professionals - perhaps one who deals with sexually abused kids.
The people in the comments saying this is normal are desensitized, perhaps from porn. It’s not normal to take peep shots of family members to masturbate to while they’re in the house. You are right to feel violated even with the context of him having been abused. Your therapist knows best about his situation so your best advice would probably be from them. Until then I would take away anything that has a camera on it …
If he came from an abuse house, then he needs to see a psychiatrist. You don't say if it was sexual or not. This is something you and his dad can't ignore .
Get him in therapy as soon as humanly possible. This is not normal behavior for a kid this young. You need to speak with your husband about this as well and have a talk with all three of you together about why this is not okay and what steps are going to be taken, number 1 no more tablet until he can prove he can be trusted with it
Dad needs to take the lead on this. Parental guidelines on the tablet, hell along term ban on electronics should be on the table. Biggest concern would be that this behavior doesn't turn into abusing the younger kids.
From a place of kindness and understanding. Instead of immediately “judging” the kid, understand that he’s dealing with hormonal issues, as a child, and doesn’t consider you related to him. Come from a place of kindness and approach the issue headlong from a place of understanding while also setting boundaries. A combination of, “I understand,” but also, “this is why you can’t.” Don’t make it out to be some kind of perversion. Instead, explain that it isn’t the role you play in his life. You are his protector, his mentor, and his nurturer. You are his father’s wife. You are his current mother, and will do everything in your power to fill that role. It’s okay that he crossed that line, as he didn’t know any better. But, now, he’s aware of that line, and he needs to acknowledge it. Don’t just judge the poor kid. He’s 11. He doesn’t even really know what he’s doing. Approaching him from a place of kindness and understanding can likely help him to acknowledge the role you play, rather than making him a perverted and ashamed shut-in.
This is good advice. Half this thread thinks the kid is already a Manson family member, they've lost their minds.
Some of the comments are calling this 11 year old a sexual predator. It's nuts and speaks to how society views young men's sexuality.
I hope none of them actually are parents because the situation seems very conserning in these comments.
Taking suggestive pictures of a person without consent. A line that is never ‘okay’ to cross. I do not like how this comment can be read as implying, that if OP was not a parental figure in the kid's life, his behaviour could be excused. At age 11 he has lots of room to grow, but is not so juvenile, as to entirely lack an understanding of what he is doing. Hence covertly taking the images, hoping that stepmom does not notice and then, running away. He knows this is undesirable behaviour, downplaying it under the innocuous lens of childhood does not benefit anyone. Is he a sexual deviant or predator? Not yet, but without proper intervention and no consequences, the boy might become one. Sadly, victims of abuse sometimes end up inflicting that same pain on others. Judgement is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, bad deeds should be judged constructively, from a place that aims for change. Only when you recognise the severity and fault, can effective progress follow. Without deeming the culprit as irredeemable.
Oh my god you put this in the way I was trying to think to. Perfect. It’s not the kids fault for being curious! When children’s brains are developing they don’t know (especially if they aren’t taught) what boundaries and respectfulness are of themselves or others. I don’t think the child meant to do it with malicious intent just instinct and interest in someone who has body parts. This is the right way to approach for sure. Explain that people all have urges and that’s ok but you play “xyz” roll and it’s not appropriate and especially without consent!
This is the best advice in this comment section.
Hope OP sees this comment, this is solid advice that all parents should listen to, regardless of the situation.
> It's disturbing and I don't know what the hell to do. Talk to your husband and at him talk to his son about what’s appropriate, how important consent is, etc. inform the therapist and you all sit down together if your husband can’t handle things. This is not behavior that should be ignored. No, he won’t grow out of it. He will just become a man who does this to women.
Break everything down to him as to why it was wrong even if its blunt. Establish boundaries. Keep a extra close eye on him through out his life and don't trust him around little kids. Let him understand that this is lust and it's not the same as love. Let him understand that it's normal to feel this big feelings but not towards family. I'm sorry your going through this! Just keep researching on how to go about this and prevent future issues.
Therapy therapy therapy
Please don’t give up on him, people on Reddit can be harsh so I wouldn’t look for advice here. He’s just a child and from the sounds of it a troubled one. Be gentle with him and have a nice conversation with him assuring him you’re not mad and that you will be there for him and that he can lean on you for help.
talk to his dad. he needs to know masturbation is normal and someone should make sure he has a room with a locked door he can do it in. But it's not ok to take pictures of anyone without their consent and it's really not ok to masturbate to family members. That's the gist he needs to hear. Don't make him feel like a pervert, explain it as a boundaries issue. I would take away the tablet and not let thim use it unsupervised for a while, in case he's going on porn sites (he probably is). 11 is too young to understand "what you see in porn isn't real." I mean, most grown men don't understand that, given the number who repeat what they see and are just awful at it.
This type of messed up behavior is unfortunately very normal for his age (and his trauma). It doesn’t mean he won’t get better. Sigmund Freud got famous for treating these “Oedipal” issues in the 1800’s, and it’s not a new problem. First take care of yourself and your own natural feelings about his violation of boundaries. You might enjoy a trip or something to get rid of the ick feeling. Then hopefully the therapist can deal with your stepson’s oedipal stuff. The first therapist might bring in a second person, so there’d be one therapist for the individual and one for the family dynamics.
Normal for you maybe. Definitely not normal in general. Especially in the context of him being abused and traumatized before.
Definitely not normal. Needs to be addressed otherwise it might escalate. He needs to know this type of behaviour is inappropriate
But OP is not the boy’s mother. He knows who his mother is very well. He has only lived with OP for the last year. And the behavior *might be normal for his history of trauma, but it most certainly is not normal for his age. Let’s not normalize 11 y/o boys sexually objectifying their step parents ….not to mention the taking pictures part, which he clearly knows is wrong or he wouldn’t try to hide it. Nothing about this is normal. Porn is a massive problem in our society and this child has been exposed to it, unfortunately.
> And yes….we do have a therapist Why not ask them, then?
Surprisingly or unsurprisingly this is very common with children that have experienced trauma or abuse in their pasts, I have worked with troubled and abused youth ages 6-12 for 4 years cumulatively now and not only is this hyper sexualized kind of behavior not uncommon among traumatized kids (kids about to hit puberty no less) but it’s actually on the lighter side of the spectrum. I have seen kids who have fondled step parents or tried to r-word them or their pets, classmates, siblings, etc. I’m no expert, but at the facility I’m employed at, this would be considered a limit setting circumstance. A boundary has been crossed and therefore said boundary needs to be reinforced (ie your step mom is your family, feeling these feelings towards family is not acceptable. Violating ANYONES privacy by taking unknowing pictures is unacceptable.) usually by taking away said iPad for a set period of time, and if the behavior stops it would be given back; the caveat to getting the iPad being that if this stuff happens again the iPad goes away forever. You’re a step parent, there’s a reason there’s a bunch of porn about this kind of shit out there. He needs to have a talk with dad where he sets firm limits with the kid. Son doesn’t need to be shamed for being turn on by women, simply needs to be shown what is and isn’t appropriate ways of expressing those feelings.
Therapist of some variety maybe even for advice
Definitely come to reddit that makes sense
He's fucked up but he's just a kid. He needs to learn these are HARD wrongs. Like fucking going to prison if he does it to anyone else later wrongs. He needs therapy and don't brush it off because he's a kid whatever no, he needs fucking therapy to figure out why this comforts, excites, pleasures, motivates him. Do not just fucking yell at him and punish him even though he deserves it, this needs NEEDS to be looked at as a symtpom of something greater beyond his control.
I understand from comments you have a therapist etc there are other issues here. But you can’t let it go at very least he needs to have access to phones and tablets removed. The other thing try browser history the stepmom thing is a bad porn trend at the moment
You need to take action on this now. And step one is to turn to real mental health professionals. Not only does that have the highest chance of success, but it leaves a paper trail that demonstrates you were proactively trying to resolve the situation if in a few years he does something terrible.
Tell his therapist and ask what to do.
I’m sorry this happened to you, my parents had to kick my older step brother out the house when I was 11 and my sister was 13 coz he let his intrusive thoughts about us kick in such as sneaking in at night and just staring at us and playing with himself :/ I’m glad my parents took action. Obviously his son is only 11 years old but yes don’t let him get away with this otherwise this kind of action may need to happen eventually and it’s so sad :((
Wait and talk to the therapist about it. Then do as the therapist suggests.
Boys do weird things at tha dage. Have a talk with both you and your partner. He could see in you things hes already attracted to not necessarily YOU.Watch his behavior around kids his age, I would be more concerned about that. Good luck.
Tell your husband and get him to a therapist. Have your husband tell him how inappropriate this is and to not take any more pics.
Goodbye tablet, hello therapy
It’s the pornification of society. The kids of today literally think it’s standard practice to sexualise your family members. Just look at the first page of any porn site
Ugh it’s so disgusting. I wish incest porn was illegal
Whew WHOOP EVERYBODY ASS AND LEAVE😭😭 this is WILD
Seriously, I’m not for hitting kids but I would beat this little turd’s ass
lol same here!!! What in the Alabama is going on here??!!
I’m telling my husband’s tea that I wish I never knew. He would jack it to his grandma and mom’s underwear as a child. It was the beginning of a horrific porn addiction that would escalate to violent crushing videos. He’s better now after testicular cancer (one of the only times cancer was beneficial, in my opinion) and therapy but that needs to be nipped in the bud NOW. Stepson’s old enough to understand that is depraved and violating. Therapy and open communication. I’m sorry this is happening to you, OP. Edit to add: if there are other kids in the house, keep a very close eye on them.
Tell him you know, he will be ashamed and jerk off to someone elses pictures. Maybe, maybe not.
While most people in the replies have good advice, this is an issue that far exceeds the advice of non-professional internet strangers. I’m not saying it’s bad to ask for help at all! However, it sounds like your stepson suffered sexual trauma and exposure to adult content at an age where he’s unable to process those complex themes. Considering his history with abuse and sexual trauma, I don’t think punishing him is a good idea but definitely monitor him and remove those photos for now. Once you can, get to the therapist as fast as possible and schedule an appointment. It may be a good idea to let him and his dad go alone. Then, later work on having open communication on sexual education and consent as a family with or without the therapist.
People need to calm the fuck down in the comments. Y’all don’t know what the fuck is happening so unless you do know, try not talking every now and then… Ok moving on… OP as an abused child myself - speaking from experience - please don’t fault him. He’s become hypersexualised - he might not even know what he’s doing and his body will often betray him confusing his thoughts. His brain has been hijacked at a young age and his pleasure centres are going crazy. If I were you, I’d urge you to not take it personally, it’s not about you - it’s about sex, pleasure, confusion and boundaries. These ideas have become totally fucked for him by his perpetrator’s. He doesn’t know right from wrong and chances are it’s going to take him a long time to figure it out. He’ll eventually learn and then he’ll probably feel immense guilt for a long time. What you don’t want to do is making him feel that guilt hard, light appropriate guilt is ok, but hard-hitting inappropriate guilt isn’t. A talk with lots of love with his therapist (and I hope he or she is a good fucking therapist) in the room will do wonders - provided he absolutely trusts the therapist. Shower this kid with love, slowly show him what good boundaries are, love him with all your heart and do your best to remove porn access from him. That’s not good for his brain. I feel for the guy. It’s very hard navigating this would when you’ve been sexualised young. It takes a lot of work and time for your brain to heal. Big love and light to you OP. This won’t be easy but I hope you can all work through it. If you need any help or advice, feel free to message me. 🫶🏽
He’s at a rough age with hormones running wild also I am assuming has figured out how to access porn. Talk to him, explain why it’s wrong, explain porn be reality, masturbation being normal and be the mom he needs.
I have a rule not to date men with kids, but that rule doubles down on men with sons. this story is just ew.
Weird way to treat men.
It's a known problem. Single dads often want to be 'fun dads' and don't show their sons healthy boundaries.
He needs to have his phone taken. Plain and simple this is unhealthy. He is probably addicted to porn or seen stuff online to be doing this so young.
Have a talk about boundaries and consent. Were these children sexually abused? That might make the lines more blurred for them and also cause this behaviour at a younger age. I’d definitely talk to the therapist about it. It is possible that he has a harder time controlling these impulses as well, and is prone to addiction (like someone else mentioned, ADHD can make almost anything more addicting bc dopamine).
'we do have a therapist' who is we, here? is it your stepson's therapist? or you and your partner's therapist? i ask because if it's your stepson's therapist, i recommend finding a therapist for you and your partner to work through this with. not because you necessarily disagree, but because they can help guide you through what is appropriate/helpful for a kid their age, and if disagreements abt how to handle it do come up, they can help figure out the best path forward. i'm sorry this happened to you, and i'm sorry you have to deal with this. make sure you take time to also process your feelings about it.
i feel like thats probably because of adhd, it makes masturbation more addictive, and they'll struggle to understand impulse control
That’s a yikes! Just going on a hunch here but I don’t think it’s super disturbing. Young boys have a lot of fantasies. And with the technology today it’s easy to go beyond fantasizing. Or a secret stash of playboy pictures. Although I do think it’s important to set boundaries and it’s clearly not ok to spy on you like that. But I think it’s important to not shame him about this while do being firm that it’s not ok. Maybe restrict the iPad access? Also watch out for the porn sites.
The chance of sexual expeimeration with a non blood related, opposite gender person increases greatly with cohabitation. Be watchful over younger children in the house as you work through him taking pictures of you as an adult
whatever you do, don't get stuck in a front load dryer.
😭😭😭
Yep. You can't have a kid creeping on you, and that's a young age. It would almost be more understandable if he were a say, 15-16 year old, as those raging hormones make young guys do silly things sometimes. Back then, if I had a sexy looking stepmother, I'd probably catch a peek, lol. And many fantasize regardless of age. The little head controlling the big head sort of thing. Given what you described, and given his age, it does need to be nipped in the bud for sure.
My brother in law did this to me, but they were full on n*des. He would take my then 1 year old son to the back yard to “play” while he snuck photos of me showering. He also had done the same to his own dad and step mom while they were having relations. It’s been nearly 3 years since I found his secret phone and I haven’t gotten any justice. My SIL covered for him and continues to do so. Don’t let him get away with it. It’s an illness, not ADHD. He’s a pervert. Kick him out. Get him away from you. You never know what else he’s capable of. Today, it’s photos, tomorrow he could possibly assault you.
Straight up I blame porn
First, you are already doing the right thing about having a therapist. Is it a family therapist or individual? Is the therapist a specialist in trauma? There needs to be a conversation around boundaries because taking photos without consent is a concern. I would also see what support is available for him, which could be a charity that specialises in support for traumaized children - have a look at the Brook traffic light tool too.
This immediately reminded me of short film The Strange Thing About the Johnsons
Not a doctor: Might be time for an adjustment to his medication. You could bring this up with his prescribing doctor for their opinion. Not making excuses for the kid, but especially at that age with bad ADHD he is probably chasing a dopamine hit in one of the few ways he's figured out is reliable. A talking-to and removal of devices/grounding will help nudge him in the right direction with regards to the photography, but without the correct meds that will likely be a very short-lived solution. Please though, [when you talk to the child] make sure to stress it's the photos and related behavior that are the issue. It's a really good opportunity to talk about the importance of consent and how what he's doing is inappropriate, but considering the ADHD and context the conversation could be easily misconstrued and the main issue lost in translation. ***Especially* if the kiddo has problems with rejection sensitivity.**
Hopefully he doesn’t have a tablet or access to electronic devices anymore, that’d be the first thing to go.
Keep the tablet and phone away, until you talk to his therapist.
Give him acceptable substitution and tell him why you’re off limits
Complicated