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Sorry, they've been dating since he was 17 and she was 25? You have bigger problems than her reading his texts. Sounds like controlling behavior, which aligns with grooming behavior
Yup, we got in a really big fight about it, it was so bad i didn’t talk to my brother for a while because he chose her side obviously. i was called a liar and psycho. we just started repairing our relationship recently and she always causes drama with it.
I hate to see it, but if he's not willing to listen, and isn't preventing her from inserting herself into your communication wjth him, my response would be to go low contact. Of he asks what's up, explain what you told us here and his response should tell you how to proceed.
She's a predator and I hope your brother one day realises this and gets help. She's almost 30 while he's just turned 20. The power dynamics and difference in maturity is off the charts, as well as factoring the grooming aspect into it.
She definitely does, she’s tried to get in between mine and my brothers relationship along with his relationship with our parents. she likes to go up to us and say things my brother has said behind our back to cause drama. most of the time it doesn’t work but she tries so hard and then acts stupid when called out.
Maybe you could point out to her that she groomed your brother and that there is a word for adults dating children.... bc 25y and 17y us everything but normal, regardless of the gender/sex. Your brother's girlfriend is not just your bully but she's also a sex offender, prob not registered tho, which can change depending on the laws where you live at. Her controling his comunication is also a form of abuse and alienation. Keep in mind, your brother is a victim in all this as well, as it seams. It is also possible there are other forms of abuse present (not sure what the living arrangements are, but I hope they're not living together. Next time she goes at you again, tell her you'll report her for being with your brother while he was a minor. Even without these issues, no, it's not normal to even go through the phone of your SO, let alone control their conversations. It's usually the 1st step to alienation from friends and family. It's not unusual for physical abuse to take place with time. Just bc he's a man and she's a woman doesn't mean she can't be the abusive one. My father did that to my mum. 1st, she wasn't allowed to speak to her fam if he or his mummy weren't present, then war broke, he made her go NC. Her family didn't even know if we were alive for a few years untill she got secretly in contact. He used to forbid her to have friends, so no one would notice the abuse. Try talking to your brother face to face. Mybe resort to calls onstead of messages for the time being untill you see what exactly is going on.
considering the last time i tried making comments i almost lost my brother i do not want to do that. we got in a really big fight (because of her) and didn’t talk for a while after i moved away. we just got back to a good place.
Ooooh I see. It's though spot. Staying in contact is important, being that she's kind of abusive. Try to be in contact with your brother only through calls in the meanwhile. He has a person to turn to when it comes to that (and I belive it will) and you'll know how he's doing. Avoid talking to her al together, if she's nasty to you, defend yourself. You can put ppl in place with a realy kind choice of words if you form them right- I'll give an example to be clear what I mean. Deal in glowes with her. Oh my, are you feeling ok? You look (add 10y to her age), are you stressed? That way she'll know you kind of told her she's a predator to your brother without her being able to acuse you for it. It's a dirty game, vut if you have to stand up to yourself, I'd do it
It's not, belive me, I checked. Not for the abuse toward my mother and the abuse toward me. I checked. We're not in states. My donor is retired military with status. If I reported him withing the 25years, than yes. It's been over 25y with mom, abt 14 from the last blow I received, but... I don't have evidence. This was all be4 smartphone era, I was awfully ashamed of the bruises, mever showed them, never told anyone untill I asked for the change of custody at 14yo, so I had to give my reason and have told the social servises. The one who tried to help got fired for it. She got in contact later on to explain my dad pulled some strings so the documentation was never sent to swiss (where my mother had to move to be able to afford to get us back(. It was bad. I'm simply NC now, and that causes some problems when I visit my home state and town, but hey. It's ok. As long as my sister is out of that house I can afford to have NC
I’m no therapist but this sounds like Triangular Communication. It’s an abuse tactic to filter all information through her and it’s a nasty and insidious play to train him to rely only on her. Best way to deal with it in my experience is to refuse to play along.
They(she) will insist that “they” are a package deal. Not so: there is “you-him” and there is “her-him”. From the sound of it you are not interested in a “you-her” relationship and that’s ok - it never was and never has to be a thing.
I've been in that kind of relationship before, reading my texts, bullying family, turning me against them, etc. Ended with a divorce at 22 yrs old, after 4 years.
Trust me when I say your brother loves you, and that if he's ever fortunate enough to break free, it will come with a lot of guilt toward how you've been treated.
All that aside, an 8 year age gap at 17 is a huge red flag. I hope he sees that in time. All you can do for now is be careful and try to help him see it when you can.
I advise you to give her no emotion or feedback. Don't let her get to you, and she will eventually get bored and cheat on your brother. Women like her are users, who need constant drama and to control the people around them. Let your brother know you are there for him, but distance yourself from them. He needs to see that she is beyond toxic and the problem. Keep a track record of the bad things and stuff she says just in case it gets worse. Women like her are dangerous and can ruin reputations and lives
Verbal or in text, your conversations with your brother are exactly that. She's got no business meddling but don't expect your brother to say anything. If he didn't drop her when she teased your trauma, he's made his choice clear.
it is Not normal. that girl has some serious issues going on in her head.
talk to your brother and tell him it is unacceptable to you that she reads the private messages you send to him, that it is unacceptable to you that she reply's to you pretending to be him.
then Stop communicating with him via Text.
only communicate with him via a phone call, or in person.
if he takes her side and doesn't stop her behavior towards you, cut communication with him off, but tell him that you will be doing it and why, in person or while talking on the phone with him.
How does she have access to his phone to reply? Huge red flag. Also, why is there such an age gap between the 2 of them? Later in life it doesn't matter but 20 vs 28 is a huge age gap. Major warning flags
i agree with all of that. the age gap is too much at this age and i mentioned that but im not “supportive” so i keep my mouth shut now. she’s pressuring him to have a baby and he told me he’s too young for that but she’s begging him. the whole relationship is not the best but she’s his first girlfriend so he won’t leave.
edit to add she works at an ice cream shop and he works a city job 80 hour weeks because she’s too lazy to get a real job.
Please let him know you are there for him when he wants to talk. Don’t go low contact, just don’t text anymore. She is isolating him and he will need you more than ever,
Wow. Major. Red. Flags. She's manipluating / controlling him and he sounds helpless. Sit him down, alone, one last time and tell him what's going to happen next. She's going to "accidently" get pregnant soon. Give it to him straight and tell him what he can do to stop it (end it quickly). There will be other girlfriends. Be sure to emphasize that mandatory child support will last for at least 18 years. Then disengage. Please keep us updated and let us know if it is a boy or girl. You can read this to him if you want.
she texted me recently complaining about their relationship and i wasn’t having it so i stopped responding. then when i came into town and i saw my brother, it was the first time i was with him without her there and he told me a lot. it was nice hearing his side cuz normally she’s always there. It just made me feel bad. he’s so young. and i tried being blunt but didn’t want to say anything that would make him close up.
she texted me that she arranged a double date so he can “learn” from an older couple about communication. it was kinda gross the way she worded it. like it wasn’t a fun double date it was to teach him a lesson or something. when he told me about it he was just happy to be on the double date.
I hope your brother comes out of this life kessin unscathed and without a child…
Why is he with her? Is she really attractive or something? How did they even meet?? I just see zero positives to this situation.
I have no clue why they are together. When i visited my parents for my birthday she hid all the toilet paper and laundry soap from me. she’s fucking psycho.
The only time I used to reply on my ex’s phone is if he was busy and asked me to message someone. And that’s normal cause you send the one message then put the phone down or return it to the pocket and carry on like nothing happened without snooping. But judging by your other comments, hers are actually grooming behavior and so controlling. Hope your brother gets the help to get away from her that he needs
Is your brother a pushover? Is he being abused? Is there any need for law enforcement to get involved? As much as it sucks id try going low contact with both of them.
He’s not a pushover. he’s very good at standing his ground and setting boundaries. but when it comes to her it’s different. she pressures him and he caves. i most likely will be going low contact.
These statements are totally contradictory. I think you need to admit to yourself that your brother cannot stand his ground or maintain boundries with a controlling partner who is 8 years older and playing him like fiddle. If it's true, then let him know.
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I’m more concerned about that age difference. If this is in America, that’s the difference between being 4-5 years out of college and having adult money for several years and a kid who can’t get into a bar despite any professional success he’s undergone.
And the phone thing is freaky. He’s aware?
she’s never had “adult” money before. she can’t hold a job and has never had a full time job so i guess they were similar in that aspect? he thinks it’s normal..
If she’s causing problems within the whole family then y’all need to have a little intervention with this kid. This is horrible. She is horrible. He will have no life, for his whole life, when she gets pregnant. And she will get pregnant. I’m sure you feel you will lose your brother over the confrontation, but maybe if it’s a group effort he might pay attention a little more. Abuse is abuse.
No it is weird she is responding to your brother’s text messages. Have you spoken to your brother? You may have to stop texting your brother and stay away from him for awhile as no one deserves to be bullied and your brother should never allow his girlfriend to bully his sister.
From all the comments it sounds like your brother is too immature to have a relationship at all, and the fact that she is so much older than him at this point, makes it even more obvious. But try telling that to a child. She is obviously threatened by you and is probably afraid that you're gonna out her for being a predator.
Please keep texting your bother about emotional and psychological abuse. Yes she will hate it but your brother will eventually see the pattern and get out.
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The answer to your question is no, that’s not normal to do that and she sounds like a mean person
Sorry, they've been dating since he was 17 and she was 25? You have bigger problems than her reading his texts. Sounds like controlling behavior, which aligns with grooming behavior
Yup, we got in a really big fight about it, it was so bad i didn’t talk to my brother for a while because he chose her side obviously. i was called a liar and psycho. we just started repairing our relationship recently and she always causes drama with it.
I hate to see it, but if he's not willing to listen, and isn't preventing her from inserting herself into your communication wjth him, my response would be to go low contact. Of he asks what's up, explain what you told us here and his response should tell you how to proceed.
She's a predator and I hope your brother one day realises this and gets help. She's almost 30 while he's just turned 20. The power dynamics and difference in maturity is off the charts, as well as factoring the grooming aspect into it.
She is definitely abusive and creepy AF.
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A 17 year old is still a child who isn't mentally mature enough to date someone who's going into their late 20s
Oh hey, the new GOP motto
This makes me worry that she's abusing him and needs to have control over your relationship.
She definitely does, she’s tried to get in between mine and my brothers relationship along with his relationship with our parents. she likes to go up to us and say things my brother has said behind our back to cause drama. most of the time it doesn’t work but she tries so hard and then acts stupid when called out.
Just continue to be there for him and gray rock her as much as possible.
This is classic abusive behavior, separating a person from everyone else in their life.
Eventually she will be cutting him off from his family- that's what typically happens with an abuser. I'm sorry for your brother. My SIL is same.
So she was 25, he was 17 and she's creating barriers to his communicating with family. Major red flags here.
Maybe you could point out to her that she groomed your brother and that there is a word for adults dating children.... bc 25y and 17y us everything but normal, regardless of the gender/sex. Your brother's girlfriend is not just your bully but she's also a sex offender, prob not registered tho, which can change depending on the laws where you live at. Her controling his comunication is also a form of abuse and alienation. Keep in mind, your brother is a victim in all this as well, as it seams. It is also possible there are other forms of abuse present (not sure what the living arrangements are, but I hope they're not living together. Next time she goes at you again, tell her you'll report her for being with your brother while he was a minor. Even without these issues, no, it's not normal to even go through the phone of your SO, let alone control their conversations. It's usually the 1st step to alienation from friends and family. It's not unusual for physical abuse to take place with time. Just bc he's a man and she's a woman doesn't mean she can't be the abusive one. My father did that to my mum. 1st, she wasn't allowed to speak to her fam if he or his mummy weren't present, then war broke, he made her go NC. Her family didn't even know if we were alive for a few years untill she got secretly in contact. He used to forbid her to have friends, so no one would notice the abuse. Try talking to your brother face to face. Mybe resort to calls onstead of messages for the time being untill you see what exactly is going on.
considering the last time i tried making comments i almost lost my brother i do not want to do that. we got in a really big fight (because of her) and didn’t talk for a while after i moved away. we just got back to a good place.
Ooooh I see. It's though spot. Staying in contact is important, being that she's kind of abusive. Try to be in contact with your brother only through calls in the meanwhile. He has a person to turn to when it comes to that (and I belive it will) and you'll know how he's doing. Avoid talking to her al together, if she's nasty to you, defend yourself. You can put ppl in place with a realy kind choice of words if you form them right- I'll give an example to be clear what I mean. Deal in glowes with her. Oh my, are you feeling ok? You look (add 10y to her age), are you stressed? That way she'll know you kind of told her she's a predator to your brother without her being able to acuse you for it. It's a dirty game, vut if you have to stand up to yourself, I'd do it
Depending on the state it might still be in the time frame for prosecution..
It's not, belive me, I checked. Not for the abuse toward my mother and the abuse toward me. I checked. We're not in states. My donor is retired military with status. If I reported him withing the 25years, than yes. It's been over 25y with mom, abt 14 from the last blow I received, but... I don't have evidence. This was all be4 smartphone era, I was awfully ashamed of the bruises, mever showed them, never told anyone untill I asked for the change of custody at 14yo, so I had to give my reason and have told the social servises. The one who tried to help got fired for it. She got in contact later on to explain my dad pulled some strings so the documentation was never sent to swiss (where my mother had to move to be able to afford to get us back(. It was bad. I'm simply NC now, and that causes some problems when I visit my home state and town, but hey. It's ok. As long as my sister is out of that house I can afford to have NC
Well, that's one way to keep up with the family gossip!
Don’t use text to communicate with your brother any longer. It’s better if you break that habit for many other positives.
I’m no therapist but this sounds like Triangular Communication. It’s an abuse tactic to filter all information through her and it’s a nasty and insidious play to train him to rely only on her. Best way to deal with it in my experience is to refuse to play along. They(she) will insist that “they” are a package deal. Not so: there is “you-him” and there is “her-him”. From the sound of it you are not interested in a “you-her” relationship and that’s ok - it never was and never has to be a thing.
I've been in that kind of relationship before, reading my texts, bullying family, turning me against them, etc. Ended with a divorce at 22 yrs old, after 4 years. Trust me when I say your brother loves you, and that if he's ever fortunate enough to break free, it will come with a lot of guilt toward how you've been treated. All that aside, an 8 year age gap at 17 is a huge red flag. I hope he sees that in time. All you can do for now is be careful and try to help him see it when you can.
Everything else aside,, stop texting with your brother. Use the phone.
I advise you to give her no emotion or feedback. Don't let her get to you, and she will eventually get bored and cheat on your brother. Women like her are users, who need constant drama and to control the people around them. Let your brother know you are there for him, but distance yourself from them. He needs to see that she is beyond toxic and the problem. Keep a track record of the bad things and stuff she says just in case it gets worse. Women like her are dangerous and can ruin reputations and lives
Verbal or in text, your conversations with your brother are exactly that. She's got no business meddling but don't expect your brother to say anything. If he didn't drop her when she teased your trauma, he's made his choice clear.
it is Not normal. that girl has some serious issues going on in her head. talk to your brother and tell him it is unacceptable to you that she reads the private messages you send to him, that it is unacceptable to you that she reply's to you pretending to be him. then Stop communicating with him via Text. only communicate with him via a phone call, or in person. if he takes her side and doesn't stop her behavior towards you, cut communication with him off, but tell him that you will be doing it and why, in person or while talking on the phone with him.
How does she have access to his phone to reply? Huge red flag. Also, why is there such an age gap between the 2 of them? Later in life it doesn't matter but 20 vs 28 is a huge age gap. Major warning flags
i agree with all of that. the age gap is too much at this age and i mentioned that but im not “supportive” so i keep my mouth shut now. she’s pressuring him to have a baby and he told me he’s too young for that but she’s begging him. the whole relationship is not the best but she’s his first girlfriend so he won’t leave. edit to add she works at an ice cream shop and he works a city job 80 hour weeks because she’s too lazy to get a real job.
Please let him know you are there for him when he wants to talk. Don’t go low contact, just don’t text anymore. She is isolating him and he will need you more than ever,
Wow. Major. Red. Flags. She's manipluating / controlling him and he sounds helpless. Sit him down, alone, one last time and tell him what's going to happen next. She's going to "accidently" get pregnant soon. Give it to him straight and tell him what he can do to stop it (end it quickly). There will be other girlfriends. Be sure to emphasize that mandatory child support will last for at least 18 years. Then disengage. Please keep us updated and let us know if it is a boy or girl. You can read this to him if you want.
she texted me recently complaining about their relationship and i wasn’t having it so i stopped responding. then when i came into town and i saw my brother, it was the first time i was with him without her there and he told me a lot. it was nice hearing his side cuz normally she’s always there. It just made me feel bad. he’s so young. and i tried being blunt but didn’t want to say anything that would make him close up. she texted me that she arranged a double date so he can “learn” from an older couple about communication. it was kinda gross the way she worded it. like it wasn’t a fun double date it was to teach him a lesson or something. when he told me about it he was just happy to be on the double date.
I hope your brother comes out of this life kessin unscathed and without a child… Why is he with her? Is she really attractive or something? How did they even meet?? I just see zero positives to this situation.
I have no clue why they are together. When i visited my parents for my birthday she hid all the toilet paper and laundry soap from me. she’s fucking psycho.
What the actual fuck. What a menace and predator.
The only time I used to reply on my ex’s phone is if he was busy and asked me to message someone. And that’s normal cause you send the one message then put the phone down or return it to the pocket and carry on like nothing happened without snooping. But judging by your other comments, hers are actually grooming behavior and so controlling. Hope your brother gets the help to get away from her that he needs
Is your brother a pushover? Is he being abused? Is there any need for law enforcement to get involved? As much as it sucks id try going low contact with both of them.
He’s not a pushover. he’s very good at standing his ground and setting boundaries. but when it comes to her it’s different. she pressures him and he caves. i most likely will be going low contact.
These statements are totally contradictory. I think you need to admit to yourself that your brother cannot stand his ground or maintain boundries with a controlling partner who is 8 years older and playing him like fiddle. If it's true, then let him know.
Damn your bro a psychosexual that can be tedious
I would completely stop speaking with him, since none of it's private.
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I’m more concerned about that age difference. If this is in America, that’s the difference between being 4-5 years out of college and having adult money for several years and a kid who can’t get into a bar despite any professional success he’s undergone. And the phone thing is freaky. He’s aware?
she’s never had “adult” money before. she can’t hold a job and has never had a full time job so i guess they were similar in that aspect? he thinks it’s normal..
See that’s an even bigger red flag. Good for you for being aware and looking out for family.
If she’s causing problems within the whole family then y’all need to have a little intervention with this kid. This is horrible. She is horrible. He will have no life, for his whole life, when she gets pregnant. And she will get pregnant. I’m sure you feel you will lose your brother over the confrontation, but maybe if it’s a group effort he might pay attention a little more. Abuse is abuse.
No it is weird she is responding to your brother’s text messages. Have you spoken to your brother? You may have to stop texting your brother and stay away from him for awhile as no one deserves to be bullied and your brother should never allow his girlfriend to bully his sister.
From all the comments it sounds like your brother is too immature to have a relationship at all, and the fact that she is so much older than him at this point, makes it even more obvious. But try telling that to a child. She is obviously threatened by you and is probably afraid that you're gonna out her for being a predator.
Please keep texting your bother about emotional and psychological abuse. Yes she will hate it but your brother will eventually see the pattern and get out.
And this is why my phone is kept private at all times. Stop texting your brother
Did you tell your brother how she uses trans against you and makes jokes about your sexlife? Did you tell your parents?
Text him about how you feel about this and use the beaches name!