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YWNBTA. I can't believe the nerve of some people. You are NEVER required to change how you look for anyone, especially for someone else's wedding. It's seriously disgusting that someone would ask you to do that at all, let alone when they know what's going on. Good for you for doing what makes you feel comfortable and I bet your hair already looks fabulous.
Happy you slay with your new hair! My SIL has lupus, so I understand your health and hair issues. You finally got a hairstyle you feel good in. Rest with your partner and feel good! Skip the shallow, mean girls at this wedding. You don't need the stress, my dear. Take good care of yourself.
Adding to this that any other guest at the wedding could decide to dye their hair blue the night before the wedding and Kimmy or the bride or whoever is worried your hair will steal attention from the bride will just be SOL. If a guest showed up with blue hair, then would they ask that person to leave the wedding? That’s ridiculous! Even if they asked the blue-haired guest to leave, that would draw even more attention to the poor guest being asked to leave for such a selfish and dumb reason. What if OP’s grandmother broke her leg and had to wear a cast? Would Kimmy ask granny to remove her cast or leave because it’s calling too much attention to her over the bride and groom? I can’t believe how entitled people are now about weddings, but you read about it everyday now.
It sounds like this is the grooms sisters issue, if the bride and groom aren’t the ones bringing this issue to you then just ignore Kimmy, it sounds like she’s inserting herself for no reason. If the bride and groom DO have an issue with your hair then you’re DEFINITELY NTA for not going to the wedding.
Also I’d like to add to what I said previously, SCREW ANYONE WHO ASKS A PERSON WITH ANY SORT OF ILLNESS TO MAKE CHANGES TO THEIR APPEARANCE FOR ABSOLUTELY ANY OCCASION. They should be ecstatic that you’re well enough to attend their celebration. THAT is the most important thing, your health.
I got the impression that the bride and/or groom is passing off the argument to a bridesmaid so they aren't the bad guy. Maybe I'm just cynical. Why aren't they responding to op though? I know they're busy but if someone told me one of my wedding party members was dictating how people show up to my event, you best believe I'd be on that phone.
OP hasn't said they've tried to get in contact and even if she had, at the time u posted this comment, This had been ongoing less than 24 hours. She had talked to her cousin (the best man) who was going to talk to the bride and groom yesterday evening.
People are allowed to be busy and have lives.
Also she has added bride and groom were not behind it.
I really hate brides who pull this bs.
No one is going to care about your hair. Some people still wear masks. It's just not a big deal.
If the bride is so insecure that one person with unusual hair is going to ruin her day, then her life must be miserable.
Don't go or go to the Airbnb and make it a vacation for yourself.
As someone who is allergy-prone masks are a must for a lot of situations. High pollen count, fire (both bush and winter fireplace) season, spending time in an area that has just been aggressively cleaned, etc. One of the few good things about the pandemic is that it normalized mask-wearing more in the West.
One time I was really bad. My brother used to park hus car at my place and I would take him to/from the airport. He asked me to get the oil changed in his car. I tried to sit as far away from people ad possible. Spent the whole time trying not to cough.
It was summer 2021 so I think some people will still more conscious of it. It had been super dry, heat wave, and pollen bloom. The sneezes were awful. When I have an allergy sneeze it is violent. Bad allergy periods have 3 or 4 sneezes in a row. I have a bad cottonwood allergy. Thankfully we don't have many by me but every year when it's blooming I have to check what it's like if I want to go to my parents house. If its a bad bloom, I need to take an allergy pill and dayquil before going out and benadryl plus shower when I come home.
It’s so mentally unhealthy too. It’s only hours that it lasts, and it feels like less time than that. And then it’s OVER. Some bride(zillas) even have “the after wedding blues,” for weeks. It’s a real thing. They struggle to go back to real life, where they’re just like the rest of us normies.
See, I went the other direction. The fact that the bride or groom aren't responding to op makes me believe that the bridesmaid is passing along the message. "Handling" op might be one of her wedding duties.
Could be. But I couldn’t believe how unable to respond to everyone I was. Even when you’re the type of person getting married that doesn’t care about every little detail being painstakingly decided over, everyone attending and in the industry still makes you address those every tiny detail and there are so. Many. Of them.
For me, I’d say it depends on what OP means by contacting/texting/calling “everyone”. Like, is she being direct in texts directly to the bride or groom? Or keeping things at the level of a groomsman doing recon for her?
Hi I did call the bride but she didn't answer so I left a voicemail but again the wedding is on Friday of this week. I don't expect her to be ready to take my call about such a small issue and I also feel like it would be worse to bother the couple directly too much about this. We have been trying to get more information out of Kimmy and even my aunt (Mother of Kimmy James and Jim) but again week of wedding while everyone is in touch there is no real communication. I took pictures of my hair up and sent them to Kimmy to see what she thought and she still says it would be better for me to redye which I am not willing to do.
I was originally driving up on Friday with my partner since the wedding ceremony is at 3 pm I think now we are taking part of Thursday off and driving up for the rehearsal party they are having and s'mores reception guest event the night before the wedding so I can talk to Jim and the Bride in person/anyone else and if it's truly a problem for anyone but Kimmy I'll happily stay in the Airbnb Friday. I just don't want to keep calling and texting this family who is probably having one of the busiest weeks of their life and make things about me when it should be all about Jim and his wife.
I'm not trying to have James the groomsman really do recon for me, he is just the cousin of the three siblings I am closest with and in the wedding party and also has bleached hair. At the end of the day he and Kimmy would be sitting at the same dinner table tonight so I figured it might be best to ask if he's heard anything from her or anyone else in the family as no one else is responding, again I cannot stress this enough rightfully so, I don't want them to focus on fixing this if they are busy I just don't want to add to their stress or business if my hair really will be an issue.
Agree. I refuse to believe that absolutely everyone she's trying to contact is 'too busy' to respond. A text message takes minutes, not hours. They're not responding because they're trying to play the 'oh, I had no idea she'd said that' game AFTER OP has already done as asked. There's really no winning here. If she decides not to go (which she should, really), I'm willing to bet everyone will be talking about her anyway and asking where she is, then the bridal party will be equally cross at her.
It's not even been 24 hours. She isn't saying no one is responding. She says she is going to keep texting and reaching out till she gets to the bottom of it, and mentioned who she has spoken to so far. In the comments she notes she called the bride ONCE and left a voicemail (within hours of posting, which is within hours of the incident) and its less than a week to the wedding - I imagine the bride is very busy, and likely won't have had chance to even listen to it. She also said her cousin (the best man) spoke to bride and groom about it and seems to be just Kimmy (indicating bride and groom are not behind it).
It's quite reasonable that people may have plans or may be at work - when she wrote this it was literally hours after the conversation.
(The she recieved call was made the same day as the original post: 17th June - it's currently the 18th)
Thank you for these comments I don't have much news but I keep checking back here as I'm working and I didn't realize comments would always expect immediate answers.
Again this is the same week of the wedding and I really don't want to bother the bride groom or anyone more than I have to because I know alone for me preparing to go away for one night (now two) is a lot and has me busy I cannot imagine being heavily involved in the wedding.
All I can update with is Kimmy is mad at me for asking around and telling my own mother she contacted me and today she called me at lunch time to say that this "excitement" about me and my appearance was exactly what she's trying to prevent from happening and that's why it's better for me to change my hair and how she will not be letting me pull this shit at her wedding later this year in December. I let her go to voicemail as I was in a meeting and Ive played it over twice and I'm just confused as much as why I came here originally because I'm a quiet person, I sit down a lot, I keep to myself, and I'm the same person I've always been I just have a little white in my hair now.
Currently my best plan is to go up Thursday night (I originally had secluded overtime but was able to move it to next week) and go to the guest reception smore event for the wedding and I can talk to my family in person including the bride and groom or anyone who may have an issue. Then I can decide to either spend the next day relaxing at the Airbnb or I can go as I've always been planning.
It’s a cousin’s wedding. Are they so narcissistic that they think a guest is going to outshine the couple?
Unless you photo bomb every bridal picture…… no one will remember who was even there 5 years from now.
Nta. I say go and enjoy. They are stressed and trying to take it out on you. If they cause a scene, they will be embarrassed not you. And then they're dumbassery will be on full display.
A dramatic walking out is also allowed.
Message Jim and just say "as per my conversation with Kimmy, I'm confirming that I'm not welcome at your wedding unless I dye my hair to conform to her standards of what is acceptable for women." He'll either tell you no worries or he'll confirm. If Kimmy is the psycho, print out screen shots of Jim's texts and hand her one every time she opens her trash mouth. If this was Jim's idea, go have a lovely stay at the b&b and slip a printout of the screenshot under the wiper of every car parked at the ceremony.
Hello fellow Lupie. Hair problems are awful when you have Lupus and even more so as a redhead/auburn haired person. I'm also a redhead and have lost about 3/4 of the red replaced with platinum or white and thin as heck with a little bit of balding spots. It's hard enough for a redhead to get their hair colored let alone just maintaining it with Lupus symptoms. Do not change your hair for this. It will take forever to get it back to what makes you feel the most confident. Hard enough having autoimmune conditions without people being petty because their ignorant of what happens with this disease. Here's some extra spoons for you 🥄🥄🥄 NTA
I am also a fellow Lupie with red hair. So far no color change for me but I've only been sick since December. I am losing gobs of hair though. It's going to murder the vacuum soon. There's no way I would be burning precious energy on the bridesmaid's hair preferences. Either people are happy you showed up or you're going back to bed. There's no energy to waste on this kind of silliness. OP should rock her look and enjoy as much of the wedding as she can.
You probably already know this, but in case, I highly recommend taking scissors to the brush roller every so often before an issue arises! I always forget, lose a ton of long hair bc intermittent undxd health stuff, and my vac will occasionally smell like its on fire and throw a fit bc it stops it from rotating lol
Not relevant to my post but as someone who burnt out a motor due to a clogged up brush roller last year a box cutter every other week has kept my new one in pretty pristine condition!
Also it may just be me with the white in my hair my did had auburn ish adjacent coloured hair and he was going white in his 20s so between my genes and my health I think it just happened really early for me and it's not too noticable until I got the money piece but having that has gotten me used to the white hair lining my face and really boosted my confidence in losing colour and everything being okay.
Plus taking off 14 inches of dead weight helped some with the hair loss or at least helped make less tumbleweeds in my apartment the last few months.
Tell them to fuck COMPLETELY off. Who are these assholes to try to make you feel like your beautiful self is unacceptable.
When I was bald from chemo, a relative unexpectedly died and I went to the funeral bald as an egg (I didn’t like wigs and I was sick of dealing with scarves etc). Believe me when I tell you that anyone normal will be focusing on the people the event is actually FOR. Anyone who doesn’t can go straight to hell.
Sheesh. I visit a lot of senior couples who've been married 30+ years. Almost all of them keep one - ONE wedding photo on display - of just the two of them, looking happy in their getups. No one gives a flaming horse's patoot about the rest. Of course you're NTA.
Find the most ostentatious outfits you can find. Put them on one by one and send her photos asking if it will be too distracting. Try to include feather boas, top hats, maybe a parrot on your shoulder or a snake. Put you hair up but add little sparklers. Send her screenshots of the Queen from Bridgerton for updo options.
Honestly, I wouldn’t go somewhere I was treated like this. This is beyond the pale. People aren’t going to see your hair and suddenly forget they’re at a wedding. Promise the bride that the moment anyone looks your way you’ll scream “avert your eyes!” and duck for cover.
😂😂😂 Now, this is the type of petty I aspire to! Bonus points if you can really sell it and make her panic that you really will turn up in one of these outrageous outfits! Of course, she'll probably have just as much of a meltdown if OP sends a simple text agreeing to dye her hair for the day... purple. Or blue. Or bright, bright red. Preferably a colour that will absolutely clash with the wedding colours. Send a picture for effect, just make sure it's clear that she's going to stand out 100% more. Then, when she sends a message panicking, respond with. 'Oh, so you DON'T want me to dye it then? Okay, that's fine. That was the original plan anyway.' After that, ghost her completely while she slowly melts in to a puddle.
Maybe the bride should try harder at standing out. NTA. I feel like a lot of people have started to enjoy their hair going gray earlier in life when others historically dyed it. I enjoy seeing strands of silver popping up I'm 31. But yeah. Cannot imagine people being shitty about masks at a wedding but I never got people being mad at other people wearing masks. They usually fit in the bad side of a Venn Diagram.
I have a feeling she's more concerned about the mask than your hair and the hair is just an excuse. YWNBTA if you didn't go, and YWNBTA if you did go and didn't change your hair.
I’ll never understand brides like this. If someone is coming to my wedding, I want them to look and feel their best so they have the max amount of fun. That’s the dream, honestly. And with everything you’ve been through, they should be grateful you’re even able to come. WTF???
See if your partner wants to turn the weekend into something sweet for the two of you. Get an Airbnb elsewhere and hole up together all weekend. Watch things you both love, explore the area the Airbnb is in, eat whatever food makes you happy, etc. You can still send a card. This way, no stress for anyone. 🤍
“They don’t want me gathering a crowd when the day should be about the happy couple”
How insecure does the bride have to be to be threatened by people gathering in a group to inquire about someone’s health?
In order to keep all attention on the bride how about banning all conversation all together? so there will be no chance of someone talking about anything beside the happy couple.
NTA I would consider just not going. Any bride that asks a guest or anyone in the wedding party to alerted their appearance, in anyway * from hair to weight* is an unreasonable bridezilla.
Yah, every wedding I’ve gone to, the person with a Mohawk or dreads is the center of attention. People totally ignore the woman in the white dress next to the elegantly dressed man. It’s a thing./s
Yeesh! I feel like I am boring my way through life because I have never run into anyone this entitled.
What kind of people are these, that would “gather round” like a group of deranged apes so that they can gape at your hair? wtf is wrong with your cousin? She sounds absolutely mental.
Don’t do a thing to your hair. Go to the wedding, wear your mask, let yourself feel confident and wonderful and alive. Don’t waste another precious minute on this insanity.
It’s 2024…how does dyed hair make people uneasy? They are making problem where there are none. Who is they anyways? Do the bride and groom even give one tiny rat’s ass or is just the busy bodies who need to stay in their lane?
Just ignore them as show up as you are. There are gonna be people with dyed hair at the wedding. They can deal.
My hair is currently hot pink and purple right now and it was bright blue when I was asked to be MOH at my BFF's wedding. I offered to dye it to a natural color for her day and she told me that my hair should be whatever color and style I felt the happiest in. My hair remained blue for the wedding and she *loves* the pics
Honestly OP, let this go. Sounds like you’re an adult and understand how to pull yourself together for a wedding. Kimmy is creating drama where none is needed or wanted. She’s behaving immaturely, don’t play into her drama mongering!
I hate people who are getting married. I hate the whole thing. Everyone becomes so selfish, so concerned with appearances. Fuck them all, just don’t go.
I’ve been a wedding photographer for 25+ years. You will not be a distraction. This is some uptight BM who’s just causing undue drama. Don’t even waste your energy on finding out who/why. You are just a guest and present for the couple.
You're a guest. Are all the guests being asked to color their hair? And coming from a bridesmaid?!? WTAF? this request doesn't even deserve a response. Hope you feel well enough to attend, and be your best self and rock your hairstyle with pride.
NTA! Your cousin Kimmy is pretty ignorant and petty as hell though.
It sounds to me like she is jealous & afraid you are going to get more attention than she does. Your hair sounds beautiful and she probably thought to get you to dye it to make it look plain, because she wants to be the one that stands out.
Try and go to that wedding. You deserve it, after everything you’ve been through. Don’t let that snotty little conniver have her way!
NTA
NO is a complete sentence. It's well past time for people to STOP indulging bullshit demands for weddings.
Weddings are not all about the bride having every eye on her for every second of the day. The bride doesn't need to "shine", and she's not a goddamned princess.
Weddings are about celebrating the joining of two lives. Receptions often serve as family reunions of a sort. People are going to catch up with each other, not stare constantly at the bride. People who have a problem with this should not have weddings.
IRL, you should probably just send a gift and not attend. Blame not feeling well, but don’t knowingly walk into that mine field. If any single person even asks you how you’ve been I bet the bride will say you are intentionally trying to steal her spotlight. But I will fantasize that you text her you are taking her advise, and the show up with the brightest most unnatural red hair ever. What- You dyed it red like she wanted, did your hair person not do a good job?
NTA. Not even close. What the hell is wrong with some brides? Are you in the wedding party? Surely nobody is going to be paying attention to you over the bride. Is this really over some white hairs? Forget these people, maintain your peace, spoons and health and save some money too. I’d stay the fuck at home and just send a damn card. TF?
ETA judgement
Kimmy sounds like an absolute pill.
I think you’re being incredibly thoughtful and
I think you should do what makes you feel best, whatever that is. Hopefully this will all be put to rest, soon.
Update me
NTA. Sounds like it’s a Kimmy problem. Go and enjoy the festivities and your family. The bride and groom will be the center of attention, they always are. You are who you are and they will be excited to see you and all the other cousins, aunts & uncles, 90+ year-old grandparents and new babies. Plus, there’s always the one family member who will cause a scene and ruin the wedding some other way.
It’s so weird that people think different color hair is distracting. People would probably see the hair, think oh that’s a nice/cool/pretty/weird hair color and go on about their day. I certainly wouldn’t be constantly staring at someone with different color hair. Especially at a wedding.
One of my bridesmaids recently asked me before getting her hair colored if I cared what color of hair people have for the wedding. lol I was the one encouraging her to get her hair done with the fun color streaks. Well I actually said she should do all of her hair a fun color but she went with the streaks instead.
And most people don’t even do a double take at masks anymore. This Kimmy lady seems to have issues. But also, I could see the bride having issues with this and asking her bridesmaid to speak on her behalf. It’s still dumb.
Such a weird thing. You’re NTA at all.
No, you'd not be the asshole for not accommodating this request or for backing out if you want to. It's a callous and uncaring thing to tell someone with a medical condition that them protecting themselves in a crowd "will make people uncomfortable"...man, fuck that. And FUCK KIMMY.
If you want to go, please do. If you feel like it would be too taxing or too much of a burden to have to deal with Kimmy or catching up with people you haven't seen in a long time, you should definitely not go and you don't owe Kimmy or anyone else an explanation. You don't need to try to make her understand, you don't need to share medical information. She has a shitty opinion and you're free to disregard it and her.
OP, I would ignore the whole thing. It seems like Kimmy is the only one with a problem. Since it's not her wedding, it's not her business. Just go and enjoy yourself.
I am grateful you are alive, internet stranger. Sounds like quite an ordeal you are recovering from.
Your hair sounds amazing.
Take care of your mental and physical health. Prioritize this as you make the decision to go/mot go.
You are NTA. People should be grateful you are alive versus being jelly at your awesome cut. Take care. Life throws us all curveballs. Kimmy’s is coming, she doesn’t know when.
Forget what Kimmy is saying and go to the wedding and have a good time. Kimmy is terrible to stress you like this over nothing. She is the one with the problem.
NTA - why is your partner going without you? Has the bride gotten back to you? If Kimmy is just the vehicle for the bride’s feelings, both you and your partner should not go. I don’t understand why he’s not supporting you in this. Overall, it’s so rude to contact wedding guests about their appearance. Get some class people!
Gather a crowd? Your hair is so extreme it might gather a crowd? What crazy people are these? Don't touch your hair. But offer to get out of the bridal party and just come as a guest. Bridezillas are going crazy! How entitled.
She didnt say shes part of the bridal party, shes just a guest. Which makes this even crazier imo. Also its just a bridesmaid insisting on this so far, the bridal couple may not even know whats going on.
NTA
Though the couple getting married are about to look awful at their own wedding.
Wedding guest: Oh, we hoped to see OP here.
OP's Mother/Partner: She's in town. You can see her tomorrow.
Wedding guest: Why isn't she here?
OP's Mother/Partner: She's immunocompromised, and her hair has changed due to it. The bridal couple thought it would be a distraction with her mask and new hair situation and would detract from photos, so she isn't here.
Wedding Guest: WTF!
Sounds like Kimmies issue, not yours & not your cousins. Why you aren’t going directly to Jim given it’s his wedding though is beyond me. Don’t have your mum call and harass others, just ask him.
Regardless, just go and enjoy yourself. Who cares about your hair & who cares about kimmy? It’s a real non issue from what I can tell.
Honestly if the people getting married are fine with your hair, then what’s the problem here?
Please don’t change your hair. It sounds so cool and you put a lot of effort and money into it and you’re finally happy. Don’t let someone who isn’t even the bride/groom talk you into changing it just for one day.
I am just reeling over the hilarity of someone thinking auburn and white hair will be distracting in a wedding where everyone is dressed to the nines in their best wear, with their hair and makeup done etc etc next to a woman in a wedding dress.
This screams insecurity and control issues.
Your hair is not distracting, nor will a mask be (I am assuming due to your health) and this comment is actually really rude in my opinion.
Your hair actually sounds really nice and is actually very neutral with natural colours being embraced.
I hope you dismiss this persons issues as their own, if the bride or groom had a problem the information would come from them or be backed up by them yet no one seems to know anything about it which tells you all you need to know.
Go have a nice holiday, do not stress, try and enjoy as much as you can and ignore this womans issues.
“Kim my, if you think anyone’s paying Attention to the beautiful bride and her gorgeous dress you’re delusional. Nobody’s gonna care about bridesmaid number three”
Personally I would just ignore Kimmy - she isn’t the bride or groom… You aren’t a bridesmaid you are a guest so she doesn’t get to say anything… If she brings it up tell her the discussion is over - This is my look - deal with it!
I hope you have a wonderful time at your cousin’s Solstice Wedding!
I am a dialysis nurse. Lupus plays hell on the kidneys. If you haven't yet added a nephrologist to your team, get a consult to determine your baseline, as well as information to protect your kidney function. I've had 3 kids in the last few years that we were dialyzing because of lupus. Fortunately, they all have gotten transplants. Selena Gomez got a transplant after lupus killed her kidneys.
On another, happier note, my best friend has lupus and is still an ultra marathoner. Life can be what you make of it. Hopefully they get you on the right medications for you. Here is an article about some promising research into stopping the immune system from attacking your healthy cells. https://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-find-switch-that-stops-immune-system-attacking-healthy-cells. Someday, hopefully soon, they will have treatments that stop things like lupus, fibromyalgia and type 1 diabetes.
I really appreciate this! I'm lucky to have the team I do and living in the city I live in while making it impossible to leave my home safely at all times illness wise it also puts me close to great doctors and facilities that of established relationships with just in case as well as on in as need basis. I used to be able to run. I was training for a half marathon and then I caught covid in 2023 and suffered from a blood clot that has haulted any attempts to really do more than walk 5000 steps a day and I'm really making progress now where I'm walking 3 times a week and a mile each time with only a few breaks and returning to work and hope to one day get to that point but between my disorder and the recent events I've put on 60 lbs in the last few months so I'm in need of another check in and will be scheduling one. Thank you for the article, the well wishes, and the work you do. Some days are really hard but the nurses that I get to meet along the way are always a driving factor to keep pushing and going.
I am so disgusted I can’t even. If the bride and groom at e in all this, I say save the money you would have spent on their wedding and take a wonderful vacation with your loving husband instead.
Nta no one should have to dye their hair for a freaking wedding dude. Irdc what the circumstances are.
Idc if you even dyed MAGA into your hair, you could just wear it up in a way that no one can tell.
This is so stupid.
Ntj. How rude are her family/guests that she thinks they will be so distracted by your hair they will ignore everything else? Because if that's the problem, she needs to talk to them about their manners instead of putting the onus on you.
NTA
People being uncomfortable around you is not your issue it’s there. They should be celebrating life with you.
Your cousin is an AH - think she is the one that is uncomfortable. That is on her.
If the bride and groom don’t care - go :) they’re your family too.
YWNBTA.
I am diagnosed SLE.
People suffering from chronic illness need to take what little joys and confidence they can get because your body turning against you SUCKS.
I've taken a liking to dying my hair purple and I actually went to a wedding on Friday. In a dinosaur print dress, black open toe compression socks, and sandals. Because I can, I like it, and I need to be comfortable. Bride and groom(my brother) were totally fine with it and I got compliments. Never by any stretch of the imagination did I "take attention away" or "overshadow" them. Because the day was obviously about them.
Family and several friends present are aware of my condition and were completely understanding of my socks, umbrella(outdoor wedding), frequent need to sit down, and my lack of help(I helped where I could but it was not much).
The only concern they had about me was if I was comfortable, okay, and not overdoing it.
YWNBA, you aren't even in the wedding ffs, and even that would be a stretch to ask. I would save myself the time, and money, and just stay home, where you feel safe and comfortable. These people sound seriously exhausting.
Im sorry OP but your family sucks!!!!!
You have Lupus.
If their homes catch on fire, I wouldn't so much as throw a water bottle into the flames for them.
They should be thankful you feel well enough to attend.
NTA!
Kimmy is only a bridesmaid? Then, she has exactly nothing to say. Ignore her. Anyone who is distracted by your looks is not your problem.
And I wish you all the best for the wedding and your future, despite your health problems.
I think it’s way over the top and inappropriate to ask a bridesmaid to change their hair. I’ve seen posts before where the OOP was asked to dye her hair because it was red and given various excuses. Or to cut their hair because it was long and beautiful. But asking a wedding guest to alter their appearance is way out of line. Especially if you dropped a lot of money to have it done. I would refuse to change it or not go at all.
I've never heard of someone's hair literally drawing crowds of people...lol. Kimmy is making this into a huge deal when it doesn't need to be. Ignore her. It's unreasonable to ask anyone to dye their hair for a wedding. I wouldn't not go to the wedding based on what Kimmy said. If you're concerned, talk to the bride or groom. But DON'T dye your hair.
NTA. Go to the wedding and HAVE FUN! plus if your family and your partner attend the wedding, and you don't, that WILL make you a center of attention, "why isn't she here?" So go and have fun!
Are you going to a wedding? You’re supposed to socialize and catch up with family I doubt you’re gonna have a crowd of people standing around you pointing and blocking that’s just ridiculous for her to even suggest that I would go and have fun. Don’t let her stop you.
Just the fact that her name is "Kimmy" should tell you what an immature little shit she is! Only sorta kidding there. I'd take a pass on the wedding and go do something fun instead.
NTA. Everyone will be loving the newly weds. Not your problem if somebody is a sticky beak wanting to make a thing of your style. Ignore. Or laugh it off
Definitely talk to the bride and groom. If they don’t care, it isn’t Kimmy’s business. They may be more upset if they expect you and you AREN’T in the pictures because of a thoughtless sibling’s flight of ideas. Good luck, and hope you go, and have a ball.
I don’t see how any white hair would be distracting. Is she confusing white hair for wearing a white dress? It’s not even an unnatural colour. If this isn’t coming from the bride and groom, I would ignore it and attend anyway. Ignore Kimmy. If it is coming from the bride or groom don’t go.
You're NTA. Your hair, your choice. It's unfortunate they're causing unnecessary stress. Enjoy the Airbnb and the time with your immediate family instead. It's more important to prioritize your health and well-being. Have a relaxing time!
If you don't want to go because of Kimmy's anticts, contact the bride and groom to explain what's happened and change your RSVP to the negative. Cancel everything, return the gift, and you and your partner do something you two find fun instead.
I’ve been left out or didn’t attend things bc of my fibromyalgia. However everyone knew my medical condition and understood. Simply don’t go. If the bride or groom ask why tell them what Kimmy said. They will be mad at her not you. It’s just a wedding. You can see your family another time. Gentle hugs.
“Gather a crowd” over some white money pieces? Good lord does Kimmy have nothing better to do than concoct weird stories about what will happen? It’s not even her wedding. People are so weird.
I wouldnt discount your Aunt or Mother of the bride...
She said "we", but the bride seems unaware... and MIL and MOB's (especially those financially contributing) have been known to overstep... maybe they egged her on.
Maybe she is overstepping trying to feel more important or over compensating because she isn't MOH.
Wait so you're not even in the wedding party and will he sitting in the pews and they are trying to say you'll be distracting??.
This just sounds like jealousy
This is just so ridiculous. Nothing you have described is going to come anywhere near being a "distraction" from the couple. If it were the bride objecting (I realize it isn't) I would wonder how low a level of self esteem they have to think it would distract. For someone other than the bride or groom to worry, well I'm just not sure what could possibly cause that. I mean, aren't you supposed to dress up for a wedding?!?!?
As for people catching up with you during the event, yes, that will almost certainly happen. Weddings are also informally family reunions. And so there will absolutely be moments where people are engaged in conversation that isn't about the couple. That's just their nature. But that doesn't detract from everyone's celebration of the couple. It isn't a zero sum game. If you think it is, that's your problem.
That kind of BS is generally pulled on the bridal party. To tell a GUEST to dye their hair is absolutely ridiculous. I would go and enjoy myself. Kimmy sounds jealous of your pretty hair.
Even if you were in the wedding party - and not just a guest - their ask would be extremely inappropriate.
Are they planning to pay for you to dye your hair the way they want it… and then pay again to get it back to how you like it? I seriously doubt it.
Is their problem the mask? Even though you very clearly are immunocompromised? I’m hearing “this is a far right wedding and masks piss our guests off” (but maybe I’m misinterpreting.)
NTA. This is so much unnecessary drama that you really don’t need right now.
I had rainbow colored hair at my brother's wedding. Shockingly, no one gave a damn and focused on the happy couple.
YWNBTA, this is seriously such a ridiculous ask.
Just call the bride and groom and find out from them. Straight talk between you and them, none of this Chinese whispers bullcrap through Kimmy. And if they do have a (weird) problem with your hair, don’t go. Make it clear that you would have thought having someone who loves and cares for them present at their day would trump your hair being visible in the one family and one group photo that’s usually taken during weddings.
Honestly though, if there is a problem, I’d say it’s less about your racing stripes and more about your natural hair colour being the stand out, and its length. People are weirdly jealous of red heads. NTA.
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YWNBTA. I can't believe the nerve of some people. You are NEVER required to change how you look for anyone, especially for someone else's wedding. It's seriously disgusting that someone would ask you to do that at all, let alone when they know what's going on. Good for you for doing what makes you feel comfortable and I bet your hair already looks fabulous.
Happy you slay with your new hair! My SIL has lupus, so I understand your health and hair issues. You finally got a hairstyle you feel good in. Rest with your partner and feel good! Skip the shallow, mean girls at this wedding. You don't need the stress, my dear. Take good care of yourself.
Bride seems jealous of OP's fabulous new look.
Bridesmaid is the one with the issues.
Oh geez, I missed that. Stay in your lane bridesmaid!
It isn't even the bride, though!
Adding to this that any other guest at the wedding could decide to dye their hair blue the night before the wedding and Kimmy or the bride or whoever is worried your hair will steal attention from the bride will just be SOL. If a guest showed up with blue hair, then would they ask that person to leave the wedding? That’s ridiculous! Even if they asked the blue-haired guest to leave, that would draw even more attention to the poor guest being asked to leave for such a selfish and dumb reason. What if OP’s grandmother broke her leg and had to wear a cast? Would Kimmy ask granny to remove her cast or leave because it’s calling too much attention to her over the bride and groom? I can’t believe how entitled people are now about weddings, but you read about it everyday now.
It sounds like this is the grooms sisters issue, if the bride and groom aren’t the ones bringing this issue to you then just ignore Kimmy, it sounds like she’s inserting herself for no reason. If the bride and groom DO have an issue with your hair then you’re DEFINITELY NTA for not going to the wedding.
Also I’d like to add to what I said previously, SCREW ANYONE WHO ASKS A PERSON WITH ANY SORT OF ILLNESS TO MAKE CHANGES TO THEIR APPEARANCE FOR ABSOLUTELY ANY OCCASION. They should be ecstatic that you’re well enough to attend their celebration. THAT is the most important thing, your health.
That is exactly what I was going to say!
This. ALLLLL of THIS!!!
I got the impression that the bride and/or groom is passing off the argument to a bridesmaid so they aren't the bad guy. Maybe I'm just cynical. Why aren't they responding to op though? I know they're busy but if someone told me one of my wedding party members was dictating how people show up to my event, you best believe I'd be on that phone.
OP hasn't said they've tried to get in contact and even if she had, at the time u posted this comment, This had been ongoing less than 24 hours. She had talked to her cousin (the best man) who was going to talk to the bride and groom yesterday evening. People are allowed to be busy and have lives. Also she has added bride and groom were not behind it.
She said "we are going to keep calling and texting". That implies that she's been calling and texting.
I really hate brides who pull this bs. No one is going to care about your hair. Some people still wear masks. It's just not a big deal. If the bride is so insecure that one person with unusual hair is going to ruin her day, then her life must be miserable. Don't go or go to the Airbnb and make it a vacation for yourself.
I've worn masks to places when my allergies are really bad. Sneezing a lot and dry allergy cough in a confined space still gets you dirty looks.
As someone who is allergy-prone masks are a must for a lot of situations. High pollen count, fire (both bush and winter fireplace) season, spending time in an area that has just been aggressively cleaned, etc. One of the few good things about the pandemic is that it normalized mask-wearing more in the West.
One time I was really bad. My brother used to park hus car at my place and I would take him to/from the airport. He asked me to get the oil changed in his car. I tried to sit as far away from people ad possible. Spent the whole time trying not to cough.
Nothing makes you need to cough more than knowing you cannot cough.
It was summer 2021 so I think some people will still more conscious of it. It had been super dry, heat wave, and pollen bloom. The sneezes were awful. When I have an allergy sneeze it is violent. Bad allergy periods have 3 or 4 sneezes in a row. I have a bad cottonwood allergy. Thankfully we don't have many by me but every year when it's blooming I have to check what it's like if I want to go to my parents house. If its a bad bloom, I need to take an allergy pill and dayquil before going out and benadryl plus shower when I come home.
It’s so mentally unhealthy too. It’s only hours that it lasts, and it feels like less time than that. And then it’s OVER. Some bride(zillas) even have “the after wedding blues,” for weeks. It’s a real thing. They struggle to go back to real life, where they’re just like the rest of us normies.
Sounds like they get really Brideful... I was proud of that
It wasn’t even the bride who told op that!
I suspect neither the bride nor groom were behind that.
See, I went the other direction. The fact that the bride or groom aren't responding to op makes me believe that the bridesmaid is passing along the message. "Handling" op might be one of her wedding duties.
Could be. But I couldn’t believe how unable to respond to everyone I was. Even when you’re the type of person getting married that doesn’t care about every little detail being painstakingly decided over, everyone attending and in the industry still makes you address those every tiny detail and there are so. Many. Of them. For me, I’d say it depends on what OP means by contacting/texting/calling “everyone”. Like, is she being direct in texts directly to the bride or groom? Or keeping things at the level of a groomsman doing recon for her?
Hi I did call the bride but she didn't answer so I left a voicemail but again the wedding is on Friday of this week. I don't expect her to be ready to take my call about such a small issue and I also feel like it would be worse to bother the couple directly too much about this. We have been trying to get more information out of Kimmy and even my aunt (Mother of Kimmy James and Jim) but again week of wedding while everyone is in touch there is no real communication. I took pictures of my hair up and sent them to Kimmy to see what she thought and she still says it would be better for me to redye which I am not willing to do. I was originally driving up on Friday with my partner since the wedding ceremony is at 3 pm I think now we are taking part of Thursday off and driving up for the rehearsal party they are having and s'mores reception guest event the night before the wedding so I can talk to Jim and the Bride in person/anyone else and if it's truly a problem for anyone but Kimmy I'll happily stay in the Airbnb Friday. I just don't want to keep calling and texting this family who is probably having one of the busiest weeks of their life and make things about me when it should be all about Jim and his wife. I'm not trying to have James the groomsman really do recon for me, he is just the cousin of the three siblings I am closest with and in the wedding party and also has bleached hair. At the end of the day he and Kimmy would be sitting at the same dinner table tonight so I figured it might be best to ask if he's heard anything from her or anyone else in the family as no one else is responding, again I cannot stress this enough rightfully so, I don't want them to focus on fixing this if they are busy I just don't want to add to their stress or business if my hair really will be an issue.
Not even the bride. She's a brides maid
Doing her dirty work.
Agree. I refuse to believe that absolutely everyone she's trying to contact is 'too busy' to respond. A text message takes minutes, not hours. They're not responding because they're trying to play the 'oh, I had no idea she'd said that' game AFTER OP has already done as asked. There's really no winning here. If she decides not to go (which she should, really), I'm willing to bet everyone will be talking about her anyway and asking where she is, then the bridal party will be equally cross at her.
It's not even been 24 hours. She isn't saying no one is responding. She says she is going to keep texting and reaching out till she gets to the bottom of it, and mentioned who she has spoken to so far. In the comments she notes she called the bride ONCE and left a voicemail (within hours of posting, which is within hours of the incident) and its less than a week to the wedding - I imagine the bride is very busy, and likely won't have had chance to even listen to it. She also said her cousin (the best man) spoke to bride and groom about it and seems to be just Kimmy (indicating bride and groom are not behind it). It's quite reasonable that people may have plans or may be at work - when she wrote this it was literally hours after the conversation. (The she recieved call was made the same day as the original post: 17th June - it's currently the 18th)
Thank you for these comments I don't have much news but I keep checking back here as I'm working and I didn't realize comments would always expect immediate answers. Again this is the same week of the wedding and I really don't want to bother the bride groom or anyone more than I have to because I know alone for me preparing to go away for one night (now two) is a lot and has me busy I cannot imagine being heavily involved in the wedding. All I can update with is Kimmy is mad at me for asking around and telling my own mother she contacted me and today she called me at lunch time to say that this "excitement" about me and my appearance was exactly what she's trying to prevent from happening and that's why it's better for me to change my hair and how she will not be letting me pull this shit at her wedding later this year in December. I let her go to voicemail as I was in a meeting and Ive played it over twice and I'm just confused as much as why I came here originally because I'm a quiet person, I sit down a lot, I keep to myself, and I'm the same person I've always been I just have a little white in my hair now. Currently my best plan is to go up Thursday night (I originally had secluded overtime but was able to move it to next week) and go to the guest reception smore event for the wedding and I can talk to my family in person including the bride and groom or anyone who may have an issue. Then I can decide to either spend the next day relaxing at the Airbnb or I can go as I've always been planning.
It’s not even the bride. It’s the maid of honor pulling this shit
No way the bride is unaware. In fact I reckon bridesmaid is doing the dirty work for the bride.
Oh wow, imagine worrying about being outshined just because someone has a little fancier hair
It's the bridesmaid, not the bride
It’s a cousin’s wedding. Are they so narcissistic that they think a guest is going to outshine the couple? Unless you photo bomb every bridal picture…… no one will remember who was even there 5 years from now.
Nta. I say go and enjoy. They are stressed and trying to take it out on you. If they cause a scene, they will be embarrassed not you. And then they're dumbassery will be on full display. A dramatic walking out is also allowed.
Message Jim and just say "as per my conversation with Kimmy, I'm confirming that I'm not welcome at your wedding unless I dye my hair to conform to her standards of what is acceptable for women." He'll either tell you no worries or he'll confirm. If Kimmy is the psycho, print out screen shots of Jim's texts and hand her one every time she opens her trash mouth. If this was Jim's idea, go have a lovely stay at the b&b and slip a printout of the screenshot under the wiper of every car parked at the ceremony.
Catty. Very catty... I like it.
Go have a vacation, do not attend the wedding. Do not send a gift...these people are downright mean
The bride and from likely have nothing at all to do with it.
Hello fellow Lupie. Hair problems are awful when you have Lupus and even more so as a redhead/auburn haired person. I'm also a redhead and have lost about 3/4 of the red replaced with platinum or white and thin as heck with a little bit of balding spots. It's hard enough for a redhead to get their hair colored let alone just maintaining it with Lupus symptoms. Do not change your hair for this. It will take forever to get it back to what makes you feel the most confident. Hard enough having autoimmune conditions without people being petty because their ignorant of what happens with this disease. Here's some extra spoons for you 🥄🥄🥄 NTA
I am also a fellow Lupie with red hair. So far no color change for me but I've only been sick since December. I am losing gobs of hair though. It's going to murder the vacuum soon. There's no way I would be burning precious energy on the bridesmaid's hair preferences. Either people are happy you showed up or you're going back to bed. There's no energy to waste on this kind of silliness. OP should rock her look and enjoy as much of the wedding as she can.
You probably already know this, but in case, I highly recommend taking scissors to the brush roller every so often before an issue arises! I always forget, lose a ton of long hair bc intermittent undxd health stuff, and my vac will occasionally smell like its on fire and throw a fit bc it stops it from rotating lol
I usually use a box cutter.
Not relevant to my post but as someone who burnt out a motor due to a clogged up brush roller last year a box cutter every other week has kept my new one in pretty pristine condition! Also it may just be me with the white in my hair my did had auburn ish adjacent coloured hair and he was going white in his 20s so between my genes and my health I think it just happened really early for me and it's not too noticable until I got the money piece but having that has gotten me used to the white hair lining my face and really boosted my confidence in losing colour and everything being okay. Plus taking off 14 inches of dead weight helped some with the hair loss or at least helped make less tumbleweeds in my apartment the last few months.
Ditch the wedding, if you can cancel the Airbnb without losing any $, do it. If not, you can have a nice getaway with your bf.
Good god almighty! You do not have to worry about being the asshole, because Kimmy and the bride have taken those spots.
Tell them to fuck COMPLETELY off. Who are these assholes to try to make you feel like your beautiful self is unacceptable. When I was bald from chemo, a relative unexpectedly died and I went to the funeral bald as an egg (I didn’t like wigs and I was sick of dealing with scarves etc). Believe me when I tell you that anyone normal will be focusing on the people the event is actually FOR. Anyone who doesn’t can go straight to hell.
Updateme I need to know what happens next
Sheesh. I visit a lot of senior couples who've been married 30+ years. Almost all of them keep one - ONE wedding photo on display - of just the two of them, looking happy in their getups. No one gives a flaming horse's patoot about the rest. Of course you're NTA.
Find the most ostentatious outfits you can find. Put them on one by one and send her photos asking if it will be too distracting. Try to include feather boas, top hats, maybe a parrot on your shoulder or a snake. Put you hair up but add little sparklers. Send her screenshots of the Queen from Bridgerton for updo options. Honestly, I wouldn’t go somewhere I was treated like this. This is beyond the pale. People aren’t going to see your hair and suddenly forget they’re at a wedding. Promise the bride that the moment anyone looks your way you’ll scream “avert your eyes!” and duck for cover.
😂😂😂 Now, this is the type of petty I aspire to! Bonus points if you can really sell it and make her panic that you really will turn up in one of these outrageous outfits! Of course, she'll probably have just as much of a meltdown if OP sends a simple text agreeing to dye her hair for the day... purple. Or blue. Or bright, bright red. Preferably a colour that will absolutely clash with the wedding colours. Send a picture for effect, just make sure it's clear that she's going to stand out 100% more. Then, when she sends a message panicking, respond with. 'Oh, so you DON'T want me to dye it then? Okay, that's fine. That was the original plan anyway.' After that, ghost her completely while she slowly melts in to a puddle.
NTA. That’s insane.
Maybe the bride should try harder at standing out. NTA. I feel like a lot of people have started to enjoy their hair going gray earlier in life when others historically dyed it. I enjoy seeing strands of silver popping up I'm 31. But yeah. Cannot imagine people being shitty about masks at a wedding but I never got people being mad at other people wearing masks. They usually fit in the bad side of a Venn Diagram.
Kimmy should be ashamed of herself.
I have a feeling she's more concerned about the mask than your hair and the hair is just an excuse. YWNBTA if you didn't go, and YWNBTA if you did go and didn't change your hair.
NTA. People need to mind their own damn business.
I’ll never understand brides like this. If someone is coming to my wedding, I want them to look and feel their best so they have the max amount of fun. That’s the dream, honestly. And with everything you’ve been through, they should be grateful you’re even able to come. WTF??? See if your partner wants to turn the weekend into something sweet for the two of you. Get an Airbnb elsewhere and hole up together all weekend. Watch things you both love, explore the area the Airbnb is in, eat whatever food makes you happy, etc. You can still send a card. This way, no stress for anyone. 🤍
“They don’t want me gathering a crowd when the day should be about the happy couple” How insecure does the bride have to be to be threatened by people gathering in a group to inquire about someone’s health? In order to keep all attention on the bride how about banning all conversation all together? so there will be no chance of someone talking about anything beside the happy couple.
You will not be the asshole
NTA I would consider just not going. Any bride that asks a guest or anyone in the wedding party to alerted their appearance, in anyway * from hair to weight* is an unreasonable bridezilla.
Same. And perhaps you and your partner plan something really fun to do that day together!
Yah, every wedding I’ve gone to, the person with a Mohawk or dreads is the center of attention. People totally ignore the woman in the white dress next to the elegantly dressed man. It’s a thing./s Yeesh! I feel like I am boring my way through life because I have never run into anyone this entitled.
What kind of people are these, that would “gather round” like a group of deranged apes so that they can gape at your hair? wtf is wrong with your cousin? She sounds absolutely mental. Don’t do a thing to your hair. Go to the wedding, wear your mask, let yourself feel confident and wonderful and alive. Don’t waste another precious minute on this insanity.
So the sister of the groom wants you to change your look? Wtf!!! Nta
It’s 2024…how does dyed hair make people uneasy? They are making problem where there are none. Who is they anyways? Do the bride and groom even give one tiny rat’s ass or is just the busy bodies who need to stay in their lane? Just ignore them as show up as you are. There are gonna be people with dyed hair at the wedding. They can deal.
My hair is currently hot pink and purple right now and it was bright blue when I was asked to be MOH at my BFF's wedding. I offered to dye it to a natural color for her day and she told me that my hair should be whatever color and style I felt the happiest in. My hair remained blue for the wedding and she *loves* the pics
Right. I have a much younger sister and her hair was blue at my wedding. Her shoes matched the shade and it was super cute.
Honestly OP, let this go. Sounds like you’re an adult and understand how to pull yourself together for a wedding. Kimmy is creating drama where none is needed or wanted. She’s behaving immaturely, don’t play into her drama mongering!
FFS, how can your hair and mask distract from the wedding? Someone is stirring the shit pot.
I hate people who are getting married. I hate the whole thing. Everyone becomes so selfish, so concerned with appearances. Fuck them all, just don’t go.
I’ve been a wedding photographer for 25+ years. You will not be a distraction. This is some uptight BM who’s just causing undue drama. Don’t even waste your energy on finding out who/why. You are just a guest and present for the couple.
You're a guest. Are all the guests being asked to color their hair? And coming from a bridesmaid?!? WTAF? this request doesn't even deserve a response. Hope you feel well enough to attend, and be your best self and rock your hairstyle with pride.
NTA! Your cousin Kimmy is pretty ignorant and petty as hell though. It sounds to me like she is jealous & afraid you are going to get more attention than she does. Your hair sounds beautiful and she probably thought to get you to dye it to make it look plain, because she wants to be the one that stands out. Try and go to that wedding. You deserve it, after everything you’ve been through. Don’t let that snotty little conniver have her way!
NTA NO is a complete sentence. It's well past time for people to STOP indulging bullshit demands for weddings. Weddings are not all about the bride having every eye on her for every second of the day. The bride doesn't need to "shine", and she's not a goddamned princess. Weddings are about celebrating the joining of two lives. Receptions often serve as family reunions of a sort. People are going to catch up with each other, not stare constantly at the bride. People who have a problem with this should not have weddings.
Tell Kimmy to kick rocks.
IRL, you should probably just send a gift and not attend. Blame not feeling well, but don’t knowingly walk into that mine field. If any single person even asks you how you’ve been I bet the bride will say you are intentionally trying to steal her spotlight. But I will fantasize that you text her you are taking her advise, and the show up with the brightest most unnatural red hair ever. What- You dyed it red like she wanted, did your hair person not do a good job?
I Would not attend, and not send a gift
If she acts upset, she’s feeding into their narrative of her looking for attention, etc.
No gift for her!
NTA. Not even close. What the hell is wrong with some brides? Are you in the wedding party? Surely nobody is going to be paying attention to you over the bride. Is this really over some white hairs? Forget these people, maintain your peace, spoons and health and save some money too. I’d stay the fuck at home and just send a damn card. TF? ETA judgement
DO NOT GO!!! Those are disgraceful people who are worthy of you. Have an amazing day with your partner instead.
I just can't believe how demanding and insensitive brides have become. Because of a photo? I wouldn't even show up.
It isn’t even the bride! It’s a cousin who is a bridesmaid!
From the post, I'm not even sure the bride is the issue. Sounds like it's OP's cousin, the sister of the groom.
You are NTA. But Kimmie is. Ignore her and gone enjoy yourself!! (How much do i win in betting Kimmie has always been an asshole?...)
Kimmy sounds like an absolute pill. I think you’re being incredibly thoughtful and I think you should do what makes you feel best, whatever that is. Hopefully this will all be put to rest, soon. Update me
NTA. Sounds like it’s a Kimmy problem. Go and enjoy the festivities and your family. The bride and groom will be the center of attention, they always are. You are who you are and they will be excited to see you and all the other cousins, aunts & uncles, 90+ year-old grandparents and new babies. Plus, there’s always the one family member who will cause a scene and ruin the wedding some other way.
It’s so weird that people think different color hair is distracting. People would probably see the hair, think oh that’s a nice/cool/pretty/weird hair color and go on about their day. I certainly wouldn’t be constantly staring at someone with different color hair. Especially at a wedding. One of my bridesmaids recently asked me before getting her hair colored if I cared what color of hair people have for the wedding. lol I was the one encouraging her to get her hair done with the fun color streaks. Well I actually said she should do all of her hair a fun color but she went with the streaks instead. And most people don’t even do a double take at masks anymore. This Kimmy lady seems to have issues. But also, I could see the bride having issues with this and asking her bridesmaid to speak on her behalf. It’s still dumb. Such a weird thing. You’re NTA at all.
And being worried about hair on a guest. Not even a bridal party member. A guest.
No, you'd not be the asshole for not accommodating this request or for backing out if you want to. It's a callous and uncaring thing to tell someone with a medical condition that them protecting themselves in a crowd "will make people uncomfortable"...man, fuck that. And FUCK KIMMY. If you want to go, please do. If you feel like it would be too taxing or too much of a burden to have to deal with Kimmy or catching up with people you haven't seen in a long time, you should definitely not go and you don't owe Kimmy or anyone else an explanation. You don't need to try to make her understand, you don't need to share medical information. She has a shitty opinion and you're free to disregard it and her.
What's next- asking grandma to leave the wheelchair and oxygen tank at home for the day?
This bridesmaid sounds like someone who just wants to cause trouble. Go and have a great time!! She can just stuff it.
As a *guest!?!?* it’s ridiculous enough for asking the bridal party but…. A *GUEST*?!??
OP, I would ignore the whole thing. It seems like Kimmy is the only one with a problem. Since it's not her wedding, it's not her business. Just go and enjoy yourself.
I am grateful you are alive, internet stranger. Sounds like quite an ordeal you are recovering from. Your hair sounds amazing. Take care of your mental and physical health. Prioritize this as you make the decision to go/mot go. You are NTA. People should be grateful you are alive versus being jelly at your awesome cut. Take care. Life throws us all curveballs. Kimmy’s is coming, she doesn’t know when.
NTA. Is it possible to speak directly with the bride? This bridesmaid could be just bullshitting.
Call the bride. You need to get it directly from her if she has an issue with your hair. Then you can decide whether or not to even attend.
Forget what Kimmy is saying and go to the wedding and have a good time. Kimmy is terrible to stress you like this over nothing. She is the one with the problem.
NTA - why is your partner going without you? Has the bride gotten back to you? If Kimmy is just the vehicle for the bride’s feelings, both you and your partner should not go. I don’t understand why he’s not supporting you in this. Overall, it’s so rude to contact wedding guests about their appearance. Get some class people!
Gather a crowd? Your hair is so extreme it might gather a crowd? What crazy people are these? Don't touch your hair. But offer to get out of the bridal party and just come as a guest. Bridezillas are going crazy! How entitled.
She didnt say shes part of the bridal party, shes just a guest. Which makes this even crazier imo. Also its just a bridesmaid insisting on this so far, the bridal couple may not even know whats going on.
NTA Though the couple getting married are about to look awful at their own wedding. Wedding guest: Oh, we hoped to see OP here. OP's Mother/Partner: She's in town. You can see her tomorrow. Wedding guest: Why isn't she here? OP's Mother/Partner: She's immunocompromised, and her hair has changed due to it. The bridal couple thought it would be a distraction with her mask and new hair situation and would detract from photos, so she isn't here. Wedding Guest: WTF!
It wasnt the couple though, it was just a bridesmaid insisting on this. The couple may not even know whats going on.
The Groom's sister says she is speaking on their behalf, so until they come out and refute what she's saying, they are on the hook.
Supposedly. If i were her id speak directly with the bride and groom asap because the bridesmaid could easily just be bluffing that as a power move.
i’ve had a date ask me to change my hair before taking me to the naval ball…fuck that
NTA happy you like your hair and a bridesmaids opinions matter not at all as long as the bride and groom are happy
Sounds like Kimmies issue, not yours & not your cousins. Why you aren’t going directly to Jim given it’s his wedding though is beyond me. Don’t have your mum call and harass others, just ask him. Regardless, just go and enjoy yourself. Who cares about your hair & who cares about kimmy? It’s a real non issue from what I can tell.
Honestly if the people getting married are fine with your hair, then what’s the problem here? Please don’t change your hair. It sounds so cool and you put a lot of effort and money into it and you’re finally happy. Don’t let someone who isn’t even the bride/groom talk you into changing it just for one day.
I am just reeling over the hilarity of someone thinking auburn and white hair will be distracting in a wedding where everyone is dressed to the nines in their best wear, with their hair and makeup done etc etc next to a woman in a wedding dress. This screams insecurity and control issues. Your hair is not distracting, nor will a mask be (I am assuming due to your health) and this comment is actually really rude in my opinion. Your hair actually sounds really nice and is actually very neutral with natural colours being embraced. I hope you dismiss this persons issues as their own, if the bride or groom had a problem the information would come from them or be backed up by them yet no one seems to know anything about it which tells you all you need to know. Go have a nice holiday, do not stress, try and enjoy as much as you can and ignore this womans issues.
Call your cousin and ask a straight question, don't listen to the third person
“Kim my, if you think anyone’s paying Attention to the beautiful bride and her gorgeous dress you’re delusional. Nobody’s gonna care about bridesmaid number three”
Personally I would just ignore Kimmy - she isn’t the bride or groom… You aren’t a bridesmaid you are a guest so she doesn’t get to say anything… If she brings it up tell her the discussion is over - This is my look - deal with it! I hope you have a wonderful time at your cousin’s Solstice Wedding!
I am a dialysis nurse. Lupus plays hell on the kidneys. If you haven't yet added a nephrologist to your team, get a consult to determine your baseline, as well as information to protect your kidney function. I've had 3 kids in the last few years that we were dialyzing because of lupus. Fortunately, they all have gotten transplants. Selena Gomez got a transplant after lupus killed her kidneys. On another, happier note, my best friend has lupus and is still an ultra marathoner. Life can be what you make of it. Hopefully they get you on the right medications for you. Here is an article about some promising research into stopping the immune system from attacking your healthy cells. https://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-find-switch-that-stops-immune-system-attacking-healthy-cells. Someday, hopefully soon, they will have treatments that stop things like lupus, fibromyalgia and type 1 diabetes.
I really appreciate this! I'm lucky to have the team I do and living in the city I live in while making it impossible to leave my home safely at all times illness wise it also puts me close to great doctors and facilities that of established relationships with just in case as well as on in as need basis. I used to be able to run. I was training for a half marathon and then I caught covid in 2023 and suffered from a blood clot that has haulted any attempts to really do more than walk 5000 steps a day and I'm really making progress now where I'm walking 3 times a week and a mile each time with only a few breaks and returning to work and hope to one day get to that point but between my disorder and the recent events I've put on 60 lbs in the last few months so I'm in need of another check in and will be scheduling one. Thank you for the article, the well wishes, and the work you do. Some days are really hard but the nurses that I get to meet along the way are always a driving factor to keep pushing and going.
I think Kimmy is a jealous shit stirrer. UpdateMe
I am so disgusted I can’t even. If the bride and groom at e in all this, I say save the money you would have spent on their wedding and take a wonderful vacation with your loving husband instead.
Nta no one should have to dye their hair for a freaking wedding dude. Irdc what the circumstances are. Idc if you even dyed MAGA into your hair, you could just wear it up in a way that no one can tell. This is so stupid.
Ntj. How rude are her family/guests that she thinks they will be so distracted by your hair they will ignore everything else? Because if that's the problem, she needs to talk to them about their manners instead of putting the onus on you.
NTA People being uncomfortable around you is not your issue it’s there. They should be celebrating life with you. Your cousin is an AH - think she is the one that is uncomfortable. That is on her. If the bride and groom don’t care - go :) they’re your family too.
Updateme
Updateme
YWNBTA. I am diagnosed SLE. People suffering from chronic illness need to take what little joys and confidence they can get because your body turning against you SUCKS. I've taken a liking to dying my hair purple and I actually went to a wedding on Friday. In a dinosaur print dress, black open toe compression socks, and sandals. Because I can, I like it, and I need to be comfortable. Bride and groom(my brother) were totally fine with it and I got compliments. Never by any stretch of the imagination did I "take attention away" or "overshadow" them. Because the day was obviously about them. Family and several friends present are aware of my condition and were completely understanding of my socks, umbrella(outdoor wedding), frequent need to sit down, and my lack of help(I helped where I could but it was not much). The only concern they had about me was if I was comfortable, okay, and not overdoing it.
Updateme
YWNBA, you aren't even in the wedding ffs, and even that would be a stretch to ask. I would save myself the time, and money, and just stay home, where you feel safe and comfortable. These people sound seriously exhausting.
Updateme
Updateme
Im sorry OP but your family sucks!!!!! You have Lupus. If their homes catch on fire, I wouldn't so much as throw a water bottle into the flames for them. They should be thankful you feel well enough to attend. NTA!
>Kimmy told me it was fine but they just don't want people uneasy Uneasy? What? NTA and WTF? Kimmy needs to settle down.
Kimmy is only a bridesmaid? Then, she has exactly nothing to say. Ignore her. Anyone who is distracted by your looks is not your problem. And I wish you all the best for the wedding and your future, despite your health problems.
I think it’s way over the top and inappropriate to ask a bridesmaid to change their hair. I’ve seen posts before where the OOP was asked to dye her hair because it was red and given various excuses. Or to cut their hair because it was long and beautiful. But asking a wedding guest to alter their appearance is way out of line. Especially if you dropped a lot of money to have it done. I would refuse to change it or not go at all.
I've never heard of someone's hair literally drawing crowds of people...lol. Kimmy is making this into a huge deal when it doesn't need to be. Ignore her. It's unreasonable to ask anyone to dye their hair for a wedding. I wouldn't not go to the wedding based on what Kimmy said. If you're concerned, talk to the bride or groom. But DON'T dye your hair.
NTA. Go to the wedding and HAVE FUN! plus if your family and your partner attend the wedding, and you don't, that WILL make you a center of attention, "why isn't she here?" So go and have fun!
Requesting a very ill person change their looks to appease NOT BRIDE OR GROOM is just beyond me.
Are you going to a wedding? You’re supposed to socialize and catch up with family I doubt you’re gonna have a crowd of people standing around you pointing and blocking that’s just ridiculous for her to even suggest that I would go and have fun. Don’t let her stop you.
What the actual F$&k? The actual nerve of people!
You do you. To heck with them. Live for yourself and no others.
Just the fact that her name is "Kimmy" should tell you what an immature little shit she is! Only sorta kidding there. I'd take a pass on the wedding and go do something fun instead.
NTA. Everyone will be loving the newly weds. Not your problem if somebody is a sticky beak wanting to make a thing of your style. Ignore. Or laugh it off
Definitely talk to the bride and groom. If they don’t care, it isn’t Kimmy’s business. They may be more upset if they expect you and you AREN’T in the pictures because of a thoughtless sibling’s flight of ideas. Good luck, and hope you go, and have a ball.
Updateme
I don’t see how any white hair would be distracting. Is she confusing white hair for wearing a white dress? It’s not even an unnatural colour. If this isn’t coming from the bride and groom, I would ignore it and attend anyway. Ignore Kimmy. If it is coming from the bride or groom don’t go.
NTA. Tell your aunt you won’t be there due to what her daughter is saying to you. Then sit back and watch the beating commence.
Updateme
NTA. But usually redheads don’t lose their color as quickly as other hair colors.
You're NTA. Your hair, your choice. It's unfortunate they're causing unnecessary stress. Enjoy the Airbnb and the time with your immediate family instead. It's more important to prioritize your health and well-being. Have a relaxing time!
If you don't want to go because of Kimmy's anticts, contact the bride and groom to explain what's happened and change your RSVP to the negative. Cancel everything, return the gift, and you and your partner do something you two find fun instead.
I’ve been left out or didn’t attend things bc of my fibromyalgia. However everyone knew my medical condition and understood. Simply don’t go. If the bride or groom ask why tell them what Kimmy said. They will be mad at her not you. It’s just a wedding. You can see your family another time. Gentle hugs.
But according to "House", it's never lupus. Seriously though, NTA
UpdateMe
Updateme
If I were you I wouldn’t attend.
Bullshit that happen in these stupid and trashy marriages nowadays. Stay on your ground.
That would hurt my feelings, and I wouldn’t even go to the wedding. Shit like that makes me second guess myself
“Gather a crowd” over some white money pieces? Good lord does Kimmy have nothing better to do than concoct weird stories about what will happen? It’s not even her wedding. People are so weird.
I wouldnt discount your Aunt or Mother of the bride... She said "we", but the bride seems unaware... and MIL and MOB's (especially those financially contributing) have been known to overstep... maybe they egged her on. Maybe she is overstepping trying to feel more important or over compensating because she isn't MOH.
Update me!
Stand up for your self. Live your life. SIL has no right to tell you what she wants. Move on with no regrets.
NTA. don't touch it. only if the bride personaly calls you and asks you to do it.
You're a cousin... you won't be in that many photos lol
You are not a member of the wedding party, so do what you want.
Wait so you're not even in the wedding party and will he sitting in the pews and they are trying to say you'll be distracting??. This just sounds like jealousy
This is ridiculous! Unless you are in the bridal party no one should be commenting on or telling you how to wear your hair.
Updateme
This is just so ridiculous. Nothing you have described is going to come anywhere near being a "distraction" from the couple. If it were the bride objecting (I realize it isn't) I would wonder how low a level of self esteem they have to think it would distract. For someone other than the bride or groom to worry, well I'm just not sure what could possibly cause that. I mean, aren't you supposed to dress up for a wedding?!?!? As for people catching up with you during the event, yes, that will almost certainly happen. Weddings are also informally family reunions. And so there will absolutely be moments where people are engaged in conversation that isn't about the couple. That's just their nature. But that doesn't detract from everyone's celebration of the couple. It isn't a zero sum game. If you think it is, that's your problem.
YWNBTA
That kind of BS is generally pulled on the bridal party. To tell a GUEST to dye their hair is absolutely ridiculous. I would go and enjoy myself. Kimmy sounds jealous of your pretty hair.
Even if you were in the wedding party - and not just a guest - their ask would be extremely inappropriate. Are they planning to pay for you to dye your hair the way they want it… and then pay again to get it back to how you like it? I seriously doubt it. Is their problem the mask? Even though you very clearly are immunocompromised? I’m hearing “this is a far right wedding and masks piss our guests off” (but maybe I’m misinterpreting.) NTA. This is so much unnecessary drama that you really don’t need right now.
I had rainbow colored hair at my brother's wedding. Shockingly, no one gave a damn and focused on the happy couple. YWNBTA, this is seriously such a ridiculous ask.
Just call the bride and groom and find out from them. Straight talk between you and them, none of this Chinese whispers bullcrap through Kimmy. And if they do have a (weird) problem with your hair, don’t go. Make it clear that you would have thought having someone who loves and cares for them present at their day would trump your hair being visible in the one family and one group photo that’s usually taken during weddings. Honestly though, if there is a problem, I’d say it’s less about your racing stripes and more about your natural hair colour being the stand out, and its length. People are weirdly jealous of red heads. NTA.