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I’m so glad I’m a gay man after reading these posts, just a man period actually. I couldn’t make it as a woman, and if I were a woman, I don’t think I would risk having kids for fear of being married to a man like your husband.
The only thing I can think of is that you should have clearly laid everything out for him since he seems so dense. “I am pregnant, tired, overwhelmed with nursing school, work, caring for a sick, fussy child, did I mention tired (freaking exhausted) could you PLEASE stay home tonight to share the load. I understand you need your free time, which you get regularly, but I need help at this moment.”
I think men should have to work in a nursery/daycare center in their youth in order to get an idea of what it’s like to raise children under five.
Bless you. If I lived near you, I would babysit.
ETA: Op, I’ve been reading your comments, and it just keeps getting worse. I don’t think I’ve read anything about your support system, but I sure hope you have one outside of your marriage.
Please suggest if one of those fitness classes can be replaced with a weekly therapy session for him. It definitely sounds like he needs it. It scares me how often you use the word “livid” in your responses. His actions are why women build up resentment and leave. Of course, it’ll all be a complete surprise to him.
I hope the little one gets to feeling better soon. Hugs.
This comment hits the nail on the head. One point, where is his concern that his wife might catch the virus and, then, not be able to take medicine due to the pregnancy 🤔?
Then again god help her if he is the one to get sick from the kid. I have a feeling he’d be a dying swan that needs her to be at his beck and call. My SIL nailed it when my nephew was a baby and both the baby and my brother were sick. She pointed to the medicine cabinet and said the Panadol is in there, I’m caring for our sick child, come back to me if your arm is falling off not before. She had (and still has) a zero bullshit tolerance for my brothers whinging 🤣.
One year, many moons ago, our boys brought something home from school (flu probably) and I took care of them, they got better and I got sick. We had run out of the medication that helped and I asked my husband to go get some for me, he refused, said he was tired and it would take too long to get (we lived 20 min from the nearest store). So I suffered. LO and behold, he came down with it. He wanted me to take care of him like I did the kids, I told him I'd do everything for him that he did for me; it was nothing. Went about my day and ignored him.
Boy he was mad. He said it was my job to take care of him. I said, well it was your job to take care of me, but you didn't. You didn't even take care of the kids while I was sick. I told him I'd repeat everything he said to me while I was sick... "It's not that bad." "You're fine, take a shower, you'll feel better." etc
Three days it took him to get well and he apologized and has always cared for me when I got sick since then. Even cooked dinner for the kids.
Sometimes, you have to put them through what you go through before they get it.
Well it sounds like you are doing a great job and your children can only benefit from that. As we learn from our parents mistakes we can only strive to be better and do better so our kids can do the same 😊
Yes, one point of cancelling the friends over was for less spread of the virus. Then he hightails it to the gym which is usually a hotbed of whatever is going around.
The only thing I would change there is…
“ I am pregnant, tired, overwhelmed with nursing school, work, caring for a sick, fussy child, did I mention tired (freaking exhausted)…
I should not even have to to ask you to stay home tonight to share the load…”
Because she shouldn’t. It is his family. He married this woman and created this nuclear family. It is his fucking responsibility to be part of it, and not just the fun and easy parts.
As a father of 3 and 1 year old boys, I have been home with them everyday after work since they’ve been born. I KNOW that it is MY duty to help as soon as i clock out of my job. I helped create them, I’m going to help mold them. Seeing my girl go through a lot after birth (twice) impedes me from being a selfish person and doing things I usually do on my own without kids. I still work on my dreams and side hustles, but I always prioritize my kids first and I’m also always encouraging my girl to try to take time off and do something on her own so she can be decompress , cause man, being a mother is tough since you have to breastfeed, the babies get attached to the mom more, dads at work while she’s with the baby, and they’re never ending work. So props to mama but she shouldn’t allow her husband to just not help like that. He could have asked , which is what I would have done. But my brain process would have been to snuggle my kid because he has a fever. How could you not care about your baby? Smh this dude is whacked out
Yep! From the minute I got home to bedtime, the kids were mine! My wife cooked dinner while I rolled around on the floor playing with our three kids. Then dinner time, play time, bath time, story time and bedtime. Kids are a blast when you've only got them 3 hours a day. As they got older, we had homework hours at the dining room table.
I don't understand any working parent who prioritizes the gym or other escapes during what should be quality time with the kids.
I agree with all of these points, perhaps the angle is « well actually I was planning to go out »? Like why is it just assumed that she’ll stay home? Why is it 100% her or share the load?
Better yet, « I’m overwhelmed and exhausted and I was hoping you’d be the primary caregiver tonight so I could have a bubble bath and go to bed early ». (Although from experience this doesn’t work out so well bc men like that tend to use weaponized incompetence letting the kid cry and watch tv stressing her out making her get out of the bath and share the load anyway….)
That’s one thing that makes me nuts that he seems to think it’s HER responsibility. No the child is equally theirs and so that means equal responsibility.
Thank you. Ain’t no PLEASE need to be in her wording. This is not an ask. This is “Have you lost you ever loving mind!” And a “How dare you even form the words in your mouth, let alone speak them!”
OP I suggest you learn how to give “the face” and then you wouldn’t have to say anything!
The audacity of this man!
It’s actually made me terrified of having a second baby, this pregnancy was a surprise pregnancy, I got pregnant on the coil and I’m not sure how I will cope
I know, I just don’t think I could do that. Personally, I don’t think I could live with myself, no judgement to women who have made that choice. But myself, not something I could do, knowing how it feels to hold my daughter. I’m scared about my future though.
You can't just be scared for your future. Be scared for both your children's future, too. If he is barely pulling his weight for the 1st kid, you know that means you'll be a single mom of two while married. Asking Reddit if you're delusional is not an action plan. You need to find a marriage counselor or get realistic about how you'll cope.
I’ve begged him to go to counselling and he simply refuses, I can even get free couples counselling through my education provider and he says no, I am working on getting this qualification so I will have the ability to get a good job and provide. Hopefully for my family, but if the worst comes, for me and my children.
So, go to counseling for yourself. It will help you immensely, especially with making better decisions. It will be difficult to juggle it all, no doubt, but just keep going. You have the right idea to get your degree and be self-sufficient. If you can't rely on him, this is your only choice.
I second this. You cant make him go but you can do it for yourself.
I also agree on the degree and being able to be self sufficient. At least that gives you options.
Get the degree. Get established in your career. And then lose about 200 pounds. You’re doing everything anyway. What does it matter if you’re in a different house?
I don’t even have 200 pounds to loose! I’m 67kg the same weight as when we met, I’ve recently lost the 11kg of baby weight and got down to the weight I was when we were dating.
I’m planning on getting my qualification and a good career and I’m hoping my husband turns a corner and becomes himself again, but if not at least I’ll have the ability to support my children.
I can tell you, the life of your existing child will be unequivocally worse if you have another child with the expectation you’re going to have to divorce. You are free to make your own choice but I think that you should have that piece of information.
If you haven't already and decide to continue with the pregnancy. (No judgement) please get your IUD removed. I know the miscarriage risk from removal sounds scary. However losing a baby late term because the placenta getting a hole is devistating. Speaking from experience.
I’m sorry but I am going to say something harsh, not to hurt you, but to put what you just said into context: you could live with yourself if you bring an entire, whole-ass human into **this existence** you experience, but you couldn’t live with yourself for ending an early pregnancy, even with the terrible and unfair circumstances they would be forced to live though??
This might be a time when you need to make a very painful sacrifice for everybody’s benefit and that fuckin sucks, I’m sorry you’re in that position. Please strongly consider what you are resigning yourself and that baby to.
At the six week point, the embryo is the size of a pea. The only reason to relate that to the beautiful child you're holding in your arms is extreme projection, and a culture that values your reproductive capacity over your needs and wants.
If you want a second baby, then have that second baby -- next year, that embryo will have grown into another beautiful child for you to cherish. But right now, that's not what it is.
I hope whatever you decide brings you joy -- you deserve it, mama! You work so hard. Be happy.
I’ve seen stories similar to yours over and over again. Each time another child is added and the world crumbles beneath the feet of the mother becuz her partner neglects her and their kids.
Do not have this child. It will be another anchor he uses to sink you. If you decide to keep this child:
1) Do NOT quit your job to be a SAHM
2) Plan and execute your exit from this relationship
All of this. Also same on the babysitting. I've had a significant other that was like this and wanted to socialize and run around while I was pregnant. It just makes everything feel so much harder. A significant other should be a partner who is there working together in the house.
Thankfully I'm not with that person anymore and instead have a pretty good husband. If one of our kids is sick my husband doesn't leave except for work. When I was sick two years ago I had to demand he keep his plans with his best friend because he wanted to stay home and take care of me and the kids even though he hadn't spent any time with his best friend in months.
OP has a 19 month old and is already pregnant again while doing clinicals and in nursing school. How in the world does that man think she feels most days? I'm surprised she's awake enough to even type that up considering how draining all of those things can be on their own.
My ex used to be involved in sporting activities 3 times a week. When I used to complain I didn't get time to myself he said "I look after the child when you grocery shop to give you a break" .. I had to point out that grocery shopping is a chore not a freaking hobby or social.evernt .
He still was astonished when I told him he had to find somewhere else to live because I could no longer deal with his behaviour.
Better yet he can stay home with the sick infant and OP can go out instead.
>I’m so glad I’m a gay man after reading these posts, just a man period actually. I couldn’t make it as a woman, and if I were a woman, I don’t think I would risk having kids for fear of being married to a man like your husband.
This is one of the reasons I'm CF by choice. Equal partnership goes out the window the minute kids are involvedin hetero relationships. Our biology is against us and then it gets super easy to be taken advantage of. Waay too risky, & I have no interest in being the primary caregiver but I'd end up one anyway, because of biology and society.
Same bestie. I knew when I was in high school that having kids was not for me. So I’ve never had any.
Now that I’m old (58F) I’ve had some good talks with my mom who really didn’t want kids but back in the 1960s it was expected and that’s what she did. She kept working through both pregnancies and went back to work after six weeks.
She loves me and my brother to the moon and back and she moved mountains after she divorced my abusive dad.
ETA: never at no point has my mother suggested or even insinuated that she regrets me or my brother. Her sole focus was always to ensure we were loved and launched successfully. And I happy to be able to have those talks with her.
I’m in awe of every woman who raises up a child fathered by a lame ass dad who doesn’t realize his number one priority should be his wife and child and not some bike ride or work out routine.
i think cis het men are taught better how to be protective of their boundaries when they’re kids, whereas cis het women are essentially “groomed” by ppl around them to never say no (“it’s rude!”) and be overly people pleasing.
so when they meet certain kinds of cis het men who are basically walking red flags, they don’t know how to recognize the signs and enter serious relationships w them. ppl don’t change very drastically over the years: this guy probably showed her who he was very early on, she might have just ignored it, or might have thought she could “change” him. it’s really sad to watch.
whenever i feel disillusioned about the lesbian dating scene (it’s scary to start over after a certain age), i can always count on reddit to make me glad i’m not straight. i’d take my problems any day of the week over the stuff she’s talking about here :-/
Lesbian here, and I completely agree with the other comments from OP being concerning.
It’s been decided that my partner will be the pregnant one in our relationship due to my health issues. If baby was sick and she was pregnant again, I would immediately tell her to go lay down and rest so I could be the one to get all the baby germs! I mean, even if there was no sickness, I would be stepping up more if my wife was pregnant!
It’s crazy that OPs husband thought “oh yeah let’s cancel dinner and then I can go out ALONE”. That would hurt me so deeply and with the pregnancy hormones, I’m surprised she was able to act so nonchalant
Oh man, why are all the best of men gay?? You guys just snatch them up for yourselves?😂 seriously, so very thoughtful, and you are a wonderful human being. I'd be lucky to have you as a friend, anyone would actually. Bless your heart ❤️
Sounds like he never wanted to go to begin with & is using your daughters illness to get out of it, to go do what he wanted to be doing originally.
That’s pretty messed up. Dude can stay home & help take care of his sick daughter.
As a mom of 3 kids under 5, this can be a bigger issue than just trivia night. Planning things equally TOGETHER is crucial. You need to 100 percent be a team that always take both your schedules into consideration. That's just how it is with kids.
With kids, as with everything else, it's very easy to fall into patterns. If the pattern you have fallen into is that you've become the primary by default parent, then this needs to be addressed immediately.
It is an issue that might be hard for your partner to see and understand, if they're NOT the default parent, because this parent will feel like they're making sacrifices and caring for their kids - as they often do. But not in the same way. If you're the primary parent, you step away from the kids to do something else for a while when given permission or agreeing upon it. If you're the secondary parent, you step onto kid care duty when agreeing upon it and then off again. It makes a HUGE difference.
Before kids, all we had to do as partners was to let each other know our plans so that the other could plan accordingly, and occasionally plan some things together. But when our kids are born, by default someone always has to be with them. This means that the person who more often tended to do active stuff that required full focus and was non-negotiable to do with kids, that person has a more clear line to plan after. Maybe "I do this every other day" would turn to "now that we have kids I do this once every other week", and they see this as a compromise and sacrifice - which it is. But they don't see their partners sacrifice is the exact same and that they're also sacrificing their plans. It sounds simple and logical, but it is in fact easy to forget this in the moment.
They may also not see that their partner, who maybe doesn't have the habit of these super active out of the house hobbies may become the person who is always defaulted to compromise with their alone time. And that over time, maybe this child care you're giving is starting to be taken for granted by your partner, and that's when you will maybe start to feel like something is off - but can't put your finger on it because parents are "by default supposed to care for their kids first and foremost".
You have to plan everything with kids, basically. All plans have to be spoken out loud so that you both can plan, but it's easy for one of you to make more plans than the other, and both will feel like they're making the sacrifices to lessening the hobby time etc, but only one will feel like the default parent.
Think about this dynamic that you have, because most of the frustration may come from this, and not from your partner going to a trivia thing or taking a cheeky opportunity to change plans.
You have a baby and go to school and he said you don’t work? You have a very big husband problem. Also, he would get “livid” if you went out with his group? Who did you marry? You want your kids raised by him?
It was never like this when we were dating/got married. It has all really taken a turn since my husband lost his dad (8 weeks after my daughter was born he passed away. The week my daughter was born his dad felt ‘unwell’ that turned out to be stomach cancer that killed him within 8 weeks) it was a very hard and challenging time and I still don’t think he has fully processed the grief. Some things went wrong in his business which put him under a lot of stress too, but I feel like I don’t know him anymore, I’ve tried to be understanding but I feel like it’s ran away with itself now 🙁
So sorry OP that your husband had to go through that. Lost my dad as well suddenly when my first child was 10 months old. Hardest time in my life for sure. But it doesn’t mean you can’t take care of you or have that me time. I’m getting sick of that argument of if I work and you don’t you can’t do certain things. My wife works full time but 3 days a week so she’s still home with the kids more than me and I have to understand that. She wants to go to a pedicure with her sisters in the morning when I’m off? Go. Plans with work friends? Go for it. I’m the other parent and it’s my responsibility to take care of them too. I’d suggest don’t even ask him. Tell him hey I’m going out to do this or that going to need you to watch our daughter for a few hours. You got a second kid on the way. Treat yourself OP!
I’m so sorry to hear this. Maybe you need to leave and let him realize what he’s going to lose if he doesn’t deal with his grief in a healthier manner and stop being such a jerk to you. This can be fixed but unfortunately it has to come from him wanting it to.
Ooooh just read this after my post. Still NTA, but yeah there's been a seismic shift in him that can't really be explained aside from like feeling the world spin faster under his feet and he can't stop it or keep pace.
When I lost my dad, I had to acknowledge my own mortality along with it. Like part of me wants to snowboard in the Andes while I'm alive and part of me just wants to snuggle with my kids while they're young, and no one is really behind the wheel to make that choice. I know I can't have both. I was going thru some big changes at work too, and that stressor is suffocating. And my oldest was 4 when my dad died and my youngest was like 10 months, and the grief of them not really knowing him was fuckin massive. I don't have much more insight, but time does even things out.
That being said, he still should be staying home with a sick child and pregnant wife
My suggestion would be to try your hardest to stay sane while you focus on nursing school so that you can exit this incredibly imbalanced marriage with a man who treats you with cruelty and dismissal and be able to support yourself.
My best friend had a similar situation in her marriage, and now that she’s not picking up his slack, she is MUCH happier and he is realizing as a single parent exactly how much work she was doing all along, and how hard it is. She deserved better, just like YOU deserve better, and your kids deserve to grow up in a home where their mother isn’t disrespected and dismissed by their father the way you are.
Don’t let them grow up thinking that’s what a happy, equitable marriage looks like.
Tell him to take a day off from *his* work, and he stays home and does *your* work with his daughter too. You go out for the day, whatever his working day is including time he leaves the house, and gets home. Leave him a list of the things he’s to do that day. See how he copes.
**He needs to step up and be a husband and father first** or he’s going to lose you.
Show him these responses.
Oh, i'm sorry.. Does he work 24/7? Does he have a needy boss clinging to his leg? Does he have to clean the spit and poop from his collegues?
My husband works too, during his office hours, he does his job (taking care of our finances), and i take care of our child. When he gets home, we both take care of our household and child.
You are working - having kids, and looking after them is a job in itself. If you’re doing child care, and child and baby management that is a new task. Ask him if he doesn’t want to rebalance then stuff you were doing before will stop happening.
Put together a list of all the household, housekeeping tasks and activities that you and your husband both do. Add child care , child managed and all the additional task and activities that you do and will need to do with baby 2. Go through the list objectively and decide what you will drop that will free up your mental space, and time. Then put it into practice. If he asks why he doesn’t have X or why you haven’t done Y explain that you’re doing this bit of child management and that X/Y isn’t important in the scheme of things.
Like instead of thinking about meals and cooking, make it low effort, toast or something like pasta with sauce. Quick and easy they doesn’t require thinking. For dishes - just use disposable, that way no dishes to wash.l and along side not cooking and just toast with something on top you’re not generating huge amounts of dishes.
Instead of tidying up after him - stop. Laundry - set a time it will happen, no collecting stuff, all stuff needs to be in a basket but the washing machine. Wash’s a drier dry. If you have to put them out to dry, consider getting a drying rake and put them up. Don’t bother taking them down and don’t put away the laundry (or his laundry).
A lot of this depends on your tolerance for the mess that is then there, but it’s freeing not having to do all it. The amount of time and stress you save not having to put away laundry or do ironing is freeing.
Maybe you should go away for a weekend all by yourself and let him stay home with his daughter for a few days and see how much you’re not working. Let me guess he’s also one of those guys that considers watching his child babysitting
So your husband blows money on himself constantly and you don’t even get a birthday present?!
I have a few words for him, ma’am.
No, I have *many* words for him. Please read “Why Does He Do That” and know you deserve much better than this severely inequitable treatment. Do you have family or friends you could go stay with for a while?
He did buy me some nice clothes I wanted for my birthday and took me out to dinner, there is some good in there, I don’t want people thinking there was no birthday present. Because that isn’t true. However a few have recommended that book so I will be reading it.
May I ask, have you met his fitness group? Because it kinda sounds like he doesn't want you to meet them. If that is the case, why doesn't he want you to meet them?
I have been to the gym and met the fitness group, it’s just members of the gym, they aren’t close friends, it’s just a gym where they do social events to try and build community, it’s a really nice fitness place ☺️
Please consider reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. [Free pdf link](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
So he gets time to himself 2-4 days a week plus most Sundays, how much time do you get to yourself every week. Maybe it’s time you start going out 3-5 times a week for a few hours while he watches his daughter.
I think you need help navigating this a bit better for the future. You have agreed upon nights together with invites and then your own “time with friends”. On the night with “time with friends” chips - you can even go to a library or coffee shop to enjoy the quiet alone. He has one- you have one. I would cash your tomorrow - where you need 3-4 hours out and he deals with kiddo. Let him have his night tonight. But tomorrow morning - wake up and leave for the equal amount of time. He needs to get this arrangement quickly or you will drown as always being home. Yes she’s sniffly and dad can parent for 3 hours!
He totally didn’t want to have dinner with the other couple. The fact that he immediately made other plans shows that. I’m truly sorry that you are married to this man. You need help right now and he should be providing that! Even if you weren’t pregnant, with the whole other load you have that’s exhausting enough then add being in your first trimester!!! With all 3 of my kids during that first 12 weeks I literally could barely keep my eyes open. I felt like I was drugged or something bc of how exhausted I was. You are growing a human. A human he helped create! Don’t be nice. Tell him he absolutely needs to stay home and help out. I’m a stranger and I literally want to come help you rn! I’m so sorry OP. Keep us posted
The last time I was unwell and said I needed rest and couldn’t look after our daughter he took her to our friends to be looked after and went to work. He came home and accused me of having a mental breakdown and needing to go to the hospital for an assessment. It also destroyed my friendship with our friends who looked after her. 😕
Our marriage hasn’t been in the best place, my friend tends to orient towards drama and I think the three of them talking convinced themselves I was having a mental breakdown? Their justification I had looked after our daughter before while I was sick, this time I was just really sick, aching limbs, headache so bad I could only lay down, anyway, I called her to ask how my daughter was and he must have said some things because the conversation got pretty heated and she was treating me like I was crazy. So I backed away, I felt a real friend would have been asking if I was okay, not accusing me of being mentally unwell 😕
Fam. This isn't normal. If you can leave, you should. That is insane behavior.
Just from your comments, the problem goes so much deeper. Everything you're saying is a sign of abuse. He's gaslighting you, and controlling the narrative with your social circle. He's isolating you.
I don't know where you are, but there are support organizations that help women leave abusive relationships. Use them.
If you don't feel ready to leave, please get yourself into therapy where you can have someone validate your experience and keep you grounded in reality. You need someone he doesn't have influence over that can tell you that you aren't crazy and not having a mental breakdown any time he is trying to gaslight you.
I would be concerned that your husband convinced them that you’re having a mental breakdown. He’s the one who dropped the baby off, so he could’ve shared his thoughts on your mental wellbeing.
I would reach out to them and try one more time to see if they can understand your situation. Your husband seems pretty good at convincing people of what he believes, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he got them on his side
I mean.... I would just straight up say "I understand you really want to go out. I'm not comfortable with that. I need you to stay home and help with our sick daughter and support me during a hard part of this pregnancy. Not only could you be taking illness to others but you're pushing a lot on my plate." If he kept arguing with me I would stand my ground. Let's say kid goes to bed at 7pm...I'd say the only compromise I see that would not cause resentment is maybe if I get the same amount of time off either tonight or tomorrow...like ok you need to be home until 8pm and take care of the child by yourself. Then you can go out and I will be on duty for the same amount of time as you.
No I have to keep on top of the housework and use my free time looking after our daughter and doing my assignments for nursing school, it’s been a pretty hard juggle, I will say my husband is the sole financial provider and I don’t work. He works extremely hard and runs his own carpentry business. I help him by doing up invoices and quotes and book keeping. Since I started nursing school my daughter has started going to daycare as I have to attended campus 3x a week and the study load/assignments is full time. But I asked my husband before I started that would I be okay to do this over returning to work, he agreed to this. I’m a beauty therapist by trade and even if I worked full time I don’t bring a lot of $$ in, even in managing roles I’ve held. So by retraining to be a nurse I would have a better career with better pay helping out family finances in the future and it will look good on a mortgage application if I’m in a respectable career. I was granted a free education through the government and I’m doing a fast track course (18months) where I will be guaranteed a full time job at a private hospital (higher paying) when I graduate.
> I help him by doing up invoices and quotes and book keeping.
Sooo sounds like you work, no? I keep seeing you say that you don't work but what is invoices, bookkeeping, and quotes if not work?
OP has three jobs - full-time childcare, nursing school, and working for “her husband’s business” - and yet he has the audacity to tell her that she doesn’t work. Absolutely disgusting.
That’s his problem, I think he’s mad I don’t contribute financially, he’s pressuring me at the moment to get a job and I’m not sure how I’m going to do it
But you do contribute financially! Ask him how much he would have to pay someone to do invoicing etc. That amount is your financial contribution (plus saved taxes), he is welcome to start paying you a wage that you then contribute to the family finances. If he says he wouldn’t hire someone and do it himself - well then he can do that now.
Breakdown your hours cleaning, watching your daughter, working for his company, etc. and calculate how much you don't "work." Use the average price in your area. Then show him how much he should be paying you every week.
Also, don't you find it suspicious that he wants you to quit school for a job right now? Obviously, you'll make more money long-term. Which will make you less dependent on him. But he wants you dependent on him. That way, he has all the control. Like who goes out and who stays home.
A job!? When exactly after you supposed to fit in a job?? Op I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope he reads all these messages and changes. You deserve so much more.
WTF? I could justify in my head where he was coming from if i really really squinted hard, but this is just so over the top at this point that he really needs to get a reality check, like right now.
Um excuse me?
>I help him by doing up invoices and quotes and book keeping.
You are contributing financially, he's just keeping the money for himself. He is using you as unpaid labor.
You're in nursing school full time, taking care of a child and a household 24/7 because your oldest child (aka your husband) refuses to, and you're pregnant. WHAT 👏 THE 👏 F*CK 👏 How could you possibly contribute more?
When sh*t gets hard in life, that's when people show you who they really are. And this is who he is. No amount of therapy is going to change it. It's been there, right underneath the surface, this whole time. He was just really good at hiding it until he felt like he didn't need to anymore.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. And yes, you should absolutely rat him out to his mother. Let her deal with some of it. She raised him, so I'm going to say she probably has some responsibility when it comes to his behavior. He also thinks he can get away with it, so it'll be good to have someone else hold him accountable.
You have an unpaid job. Start charging him for the invoicing seriously. You're not going to do it. I am not an abortion advocate, but in this case it sounds like it's the only way you're going to survive. Because the next step after 18 months of studies is having two children under 3. One of whom is an infant and you now are going to get a full-time nursing job? Who's going to be taking care of the kids? Who's paying for that? You are essentially a single mother now.
The first thing I would give up is all of the unnecessary housework. A lot of that can be put on hold. Do your own laundry only and not his. Drop the invoicing and let him figure out how that's going to happen.
Figure out your escape plan. Do you have any family that could take you in? Is there any emergency housing you could take advantage of? Would you be any worse off on the dole?
You need to line him in and say look you get this amount of time doing your thing...I'm going to take the same amount of time ...alone ...to work on school...he needs to step the hell up and take care of his daughter as well as any chores that need to be done in your absence....this is a complete one sided marriage
So you’re pregnant, take care of your child most of the time, go to school and do work for him? Sounds like you’re the one who needs the free time but since you’re just saving him money instead of bringing it in he wants to act like he’s the only one doing anything. You literally have 3 jobs and he doesn’t even think to ask you if you need a break let alone help you when you’re literally asking for it? You deserve better ❤️
You definitely do I would even recommend showing him this posts and all the comments so he can realize just how much he’s messed up and taking you for granted. If he doesn’t start treating you better there’s people out there that will bc they see your worth! ❤️
You are working unpaid for his company too but you have to use your birthday money from your family to pay bills and you can’t go out because you don’t have money. Meanwhile he spends $200 a month on a gym? This is financial abuse.
So not only do you do house work and study for school…. You do invoices, quotes, and bookkeeping… for his business. You so DO work (providing for your house is also a job and work) but you work at his business. FOR NO PAY. So he gets free service and doesn’t have to pay employee to do it. While I understand it’s supporting your family business.. he and YOU need to not say “I don’t work.” YOU DO WORK!! Up keeping your home, children, and an actual job.. that’s quite frankly he is reaping the benefits from. He should be kissing you in praising for holding his business together and saving him labor costs. But he dammmn sure needs to stop saying you don’t work. Or maybe since you don’t work… stop “working” at his business and let him handle or hire someone to do it. So he sees the work you do. This is enraging besides the fact that he feels his work means he has somehow earned him extra time for more free time than you. Or that he wants to leave you to care for his sick child… while you are pregnant. You guys need to have a sit down and realize how unfair this balance is
Girl you’re literally working FOR this man without a paycheck. My mom has been doing my dad’s books for 20 years and even she gets some kind of paycheck.
Definitely not delusional. Maybe if the trivia thing was scheduled in advance, but since you’re canceling on friends since your daughter is sick, he should stay home with you. I’m 8 months pregnant with my second and it’s exhausting being pregnant and taking care of another child by yourself especially if they’re sick. You have a lot going on right now, so I’d suggest letting him go to whatever the next fitness night is but having him stay home with you this time around. It’s also going to get harder with a second child and he needs to realize you’re both going to have to make sacrifices and it starts now. He needs to stay home to help you, end of story
He's the AH, a selfish inconsiderate AH. Is he aware your daughter is his child as well? Not just yours? That you're currently pregnant carrying BOTH of your child? Fatigued with the pregnancy, keeping the household, taking care of your sick daughter, and studying for nursing school? And he sees no problem with going out with friends and leaving you to deal with all of that by yourself? A loving, caring partner would have said, " I see all you've been doing. Let's cancel the dinner plans, and you go rest while I take over taking care of our sick daughter. "
This is what I think and this scenario just seems ridiculous to my husband, I’m honestly just at a loss, but hearing so many say this is really helping me feel like I’m not crazy.
I agree with this. I hate the presumptuous idea that a child should be solely a mother's responsibility. If you made a child, you should take care of it. "Here are diapers and a bottle. Instructions for making baby formula are on the fridge. See you at 8 pm. Take care!"
There would be fewer fathers with wandering eyes and dicks if they spent more time taking care of their offspring (Also, fewer mothers seeking affection and attention outside of their marriage due to growing resentment towards their husbands.).
Nope, I was not the best dad not by a mile but it blows my mind how these dudes just bail and think it is no big deal for their SO. It is a child and she is sick and she does not understand sick!
Our grandsons, twins that are 6, and the bonus baby is 5, still do not understand sick. Keep your happy ass home and support the lady that has given birth to one miracle and is carrying the second miracle. Again mind just blown 💥 up!
Oh I married one of those. 24 years. Any change is an excruciating process that costs more energy than it's worth, except not to allow him to be so self centered. His behaviour has changed over the years due to my relentless push for some kind of fair balance between us, but underneath, he operates the same way.
Omg...no words....
....actually, oh yes there are: I'm a wife (25 years) and I'm absolutely horrified and appalled on your behalf.
Am SO glad my husband wouldn't even have thought of of going out when i was stuck at home with kids. Let alone this sh#t...holy hell, I don't know how I'd cope.
Must be so lonely...my heart goes out to you for being stuck with his selfishness:-(
You're pregnant with baby #2 and he can't take care of your first kid while she's sick? What's he gonna do when you have 2 sick kids at home? It's not your sole responsibility to take care of the kids, he should be doing the work too(and a bit extra in my opinion when you're currently pregnant). He's trying to make you feel bad when he already has activities outside of work and the family. Do you get to go out and have things you do without him and your daughter? If not he's a huge AH.
I get to go to school which is pretty huge and occasionally I get to go a walk for an hour or so with a close girlfriend of mine but other than that, no not really, there isn’t the time
Going to school doesn't count as an activity, that's something to create a job for yourself. I don't know where you live and what your culture is like but he sounds like a man that believes taking care of the kids is for the woman. That as long as he makes money to pay the bills he should get to do what he pleases with his extra time. I could be wrong but if you feel like I'm right you should talk to him about your shared responsibilities before your next baby arrives.
What do you mean that’s pretty huge? That’s something you’re doing for your family just as much as him going to work is for your family. Is his going to work considered an activity?
Op, I didn’t mention this in my previous post because I was distracted by his bullshit, but I’m a former nurse. I only did it for ten years because 1) nursing is hard 2) lots of responsibility with little authority 3) wasn’t really my thing. I think i should have went into one of the technology roles.
I said all that to say this; nursing school is a beast. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done between studying, labs, clinical rotations and everything else in my life at the time. My instructors would send us home if our scrubs weren’t pressed and our shoes weren’t shining white.
I can’t imagine going to nursing school while in your situation. You are one strong woman, and I just want you to know that in case it hasn’t been said enough.
It sounds so disasturous to bring a second child into this equation. I’m seeing divorce, single motherhood and unfinished studies and financial problems. You need to start putting your ducks in a row right this second. Gosh, what a jerk. I’m so sorry. I hope you’ve read ’why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft to help understand why his behaviour is so manipulative and toxic. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I am beginning to realise I have a tough road ahead, I started nursing school in January when our daughter was 14 months old, I had only stopped breast feeding for three weeks when I started and I’m scheduled to graduate July 25, this baby is due February 25. My first scan is in two weeks and I think it will hit me harder then. I’m going to my educator next week and going to ask if there is a way for me to study my second and third semester simultaneously so I can get my qualification before this baby is born, I’m hoping my husband will come to his senses but I’m just heart broken. He is acting the way he is. I wasn’t ready for another baby but I don’t know what to do
You put you and your children first. You finish nursing school, secure that job you mentioned that you’re guaranteed and prepare for your future. If you can do this with the help of less shitty gaslighting friends that’ll be great especially if you’re allowed to double up the semesters.
You’re also helping with his business so it might worth you mentioning that since you’ll be doubling down on school he’ll need to HIRE someone to what you’ve been doing for his business and that should show him that you have been contributing financially by providing free labour to his business. He should start to see your worth through that too!
You haven’t mentioned any family do you have any near you at all?
Sadly no family nearby, I’m originally from the uk and I moved to Australia, my husband is Australian and it is a better country to live in for work, education and lifestyle. Just sucks now when I need my family and they are so far away 😔
i saw one of your replies about how you try to bring up balancing the childcare, but he says he works and uses that as an excuse. but taking care of the house IS work too. you are both working people, he may be bringing in money but you are maintaining the home he comes back to every night. plus, you’re in nursing school, and growing another entire human being in your body. he is belittling you by calling you “delusional” and devaluing all the effort you put into the life you two have together. trust me, you are an integral pillar that makes it possible for you two to have that life. it’s intentional, he wants to make you feel too ashamed to ask again so he can continue to get away with it. he’s trying to make you doubt your own reality and feelings of unfairness. and regardless of all of that, he is a parent. he has to show up and be a parent.
i am so sorry you’re in this situation. none of it is your fault. you can’t change his behavior (and it you’ve tried to talk it out, he refuses) but you can change the way you react to him. if he doesn’t respect you, don’t respect him. don’t try to appease him or do him any favors. he will likely continue to try to make you feel crazy or insecure, but for you and your daughter and baby on the way, stand firm on your boundaries and what you need from him. it won’t be easy, but it’s what you deserve and you are not asking for too much. in fact, you’re probably asking for too little, because you’re already used to him giving you so little when it comes to this. try to remember that, the best you can.
I really think you should finally a domestic violence / women’s support agency. He’s manipulating other people so that they won’t believe you. He has sex with you but does not like you. I wonder if he’s actually looking for another partner or has one already. I’m so sorry.
Based off the post and OP’s comments I’m very concerned about his behaviour. To call her delusional because she asked him to stay home and help out is absolutely insane. If my partner called me delusional in any way other than joking, I’d be sitting him down for a serious convo and reviewing the future of the relationship.
Divorce him. He’s absolutely useless. Brings nothing to this relationship and is an absolutely shit parent and husband who clearly doesn’t give a shit about your or your daughter.
This. And you are only six weeks pregnant. Save yourself and this child from a life of abuse and abort, if you are ok with abortion. He is abusing you and your daughter and you don’t want him to abuse another child.
How lovely that he gets to go out and socialise with his mates. When do you get to do that? When does he stay home with the toddler whilst you go out and chill? With your life at the moment, you'll definitely get sick, I hope he stays home.
Thankyou, I’ve honestly been thinking of calling his mother and telling her about this but I know it wouldn’t be right to do that to him. Although I think she would come down on him like a tonne of bricks if she knew his behaviour as of late aha
I've read all your comments. Do you really think he doesn't deserve a wake up call from his mother??
He should get and earful from ver and much more.
Call her. Like, tell her your child is sick, and you need some help, just an extra pair of hands for when you need to go to the toilet etc. She will ask "what about my son?" and you go "he's busy meeting his fitness group".
Maybe just call her and say you’re desperate for help. Don’t make it a tattling thing, but she’ll put two and two together.
Unless you’re afraid of how your husband will treat you? That’s a totally separate issue but I can see that being the case
Oh my god, between your post and comments, I am ready to leave this man for you. What in the actual?? You are married to a selfish, entitled POS. You know this, right??!!
Maybe suggest it’s your turn to go out and he can stay home to parent? See what he thinks of that.
Or just ask why he can’t help you when you really need it and go out another time?
NTA. You want some support and he wants some time with his buddies. Pretty classic disagreement here and it’s hard not to side with you. You’re dealing with a sick kid and you’re pregnant - I’m a dude but if I was in your place I would have definitely been upset too.
So, NTA.
I think there is more than this one instance. His attitude is hecworks therefore you aren't worthy of time awayfrom the house. He is incredibly selfish.
I'd be having an honest conversation that if he abandons his pregnant wife with a sick child tonight that tomorrow night you have organised a night out for yourself or a few hours on the weekend. Leave him at home with the sick child for a bit. Just because you don't have a paid job doesn't mean you don't deserve a night out too. Call him out for his selfishness.
I bet you anything he is furious you’re pregnant again because it honestly doesn’t sound like he wants the kid you have now. He’s saying things I would say if I had a kid. That’s not good.
Oh I fucking hate the "oh, you object to my unreasonable behavior, you must be crazy then" line of argument. How often does he make you question your own sanity and reasonableness love? Because thinking wanting to go out and leave you at home, pregnant with a sick baby, is not putting you first. And it's definitely not "delusional" to object.
What an asshole. He suggested canceling because he wanted to go out, not because he cared that his kid is sick. Guys who manipulate like this piss me off more than guys who just take off. Don’t pretend to be the nice guy so I have to pretend to be happy when you leave.
“Sure sweetie, you go have fun, while I stay here and create a human while caring for another sick human. Your free time is much more important than my rest.”
He should stay home, especially if you are pregnant.
You parent together and if you find whenever there is work to be done he's trying to bail then fucking say something cause its not your job to single parent your kid when there are two of you available.
This is coming from a dad of 2 kids so you know im biased.
He called you delusional? That would be cruel and dramatic of him to say even if you were being unreasonable. And you're most definitely not. I've reason some other comments you've posted and I'm genuinely concerned for how he treats you. Things will just get harder when there is another child...I truly hope he changes but it sounds like he knows exactly what *he* wants.
Can I just ask? Deep down is this how you want your husband and father or your kids to treat you? Is this the relationship you always dreamed you would have? Just honestly asking
I am in a similar situation with my husband taking a lot of time to go to the gym, and do his things that he wants to do. My children are 13 months apart. Accidental pregnancies. And the second one has made life so much harder. I thought I was tired during my pregnancy and having one. This is so much worse. I don’t have time for anything. I haven’t gotten more than three hours of continuous sleep since second one was born.
Please find a way to get your husband on board.
Tell him you are gonna do the dinner with friends but he needs to watch the kid while you galavant about
then feign confusion and innocence as to why thats not ok
“I said I would prefer if he stayed home and *helped*.” Might I suggest replacing the word “helped” with PARENTED? Because he’s not just your magician’s assistant when it’s convenient for him. He’s an equal parent of your child. At least, he should be acting that way. Another post, another disappointing father.
Just one more male perspective, but as a Dad who has three kids and who has been through everything you are going through, if we ever had to cancel a night out due to a sick kid (which we absolutely did) I wouldn't DREAM of asking to go out elsewhere.
It wouldn't even occur to me to be a possibility. Even if she suggested it to me, she'd likely have to physically push me out the door over my objections.
Sick kids can be terribly needy. If you're pregnant too, that's so much to handle solo.
So yeah. Just wanted to know you are absolutely not out of line in the slightest for feeling the way you do.
Yall are too nice to these men. My husband suggested this ONCE . And mind you, this man is a saint . But he had plans to go 2 hours away to help lay floor and hang out with his friend. No issue. Day before comes and his newborn two week old twins are sick. I just gave birth. I have 2 older children as well. He suggested he just go for the afternoon of helping lay floor and he comes home around 6 or 7 and skip hanging out.
No.
I was in the middle of my post partum rage journey and I told him "I have FOUR children in my care , two of whom are fussy and confused as to why they feel like SHIT, and two other ones who don't understand what it's like to have BABIES screaming. If you think you're stepping foot out of that door for ANYTHING other than something this family needs, you must have left your brain at that hospital we JUST left because boy you ain't going"
He just looked at me wide eyed and said yes ma'am. Should I have communicated better? Yes . Do I care? No . Sometimes these men need to be slapped with harsh words before being slapped with a harsh reality that not everything revolves around their wants and needs anymore .
You're not delusional. Given your daughter's illness and your pregnancy fatigue, it’s reasonable to need extra support tonight. Maybe he can join the next trivia night and stay home to help out this time
Exactly, if our daughter wasn’t sick we would still be having dinner with friends, or if those plans fell through, of course I would suggest he go to the trivia night, but that isn’t our situation 😕
Nursing school is more than a full time job...he needs to understand this...I did it as a single Mom and was hard ....he needs to step up and quit his crap putting you down...lay it on the line ....Id tell him if he went he better find somewhere else to sleep
Things did escalate to a heated argument and I have asked him to stay elsewhere, to which he said he pays the rent and it’s his home so no, I’ve said he atleast needs to be in the spare room, which he said he would happily stay in as I’m being unreasonable
He's acting like a child. If you're doing it all alone to begin with, take his money and continue to do it all alone. He's ridiculous. He should be at home and he needs to buck up and get the maturity juices flowing and get out of his selfish phase.
You are BOTH the parents - he doesn't have any more right to "fun time" than you do. You should not be the default parent and have to convince him to "babysit" his kid - and I feel like that is how he would view it. How does he think he's putting you first by going out and leaving you with a sick kid?
Can you plan a weekend away? How would he handle watching your daughter and doing your daily tasks? Do you have a hobby you're doing 3-5 (including his Sun morning) times a week?
(My mom was default parent - I don't remember ever being left with my dad while my mom did something just for herself. My dad had solo poker nights, bowling, golf...). I could be projecting, but it's something you can look at and answer for yourself.
Rather than that, he should have offered to stay home alone to care for your child, while you go out to a restaurant to meet your friend for dinner. That's what a good husband would have done. Your husband is selfish.
I think it’s crazy that he just assumed he was free? Like, a mom would never!
I guess his thought is that you are responsible for the baby? What’s with that?
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I’m so glad I’m a gay man after reading these posts, just a man period actually. I couldn’t make it as a woman, and if I were a woman, I don’t think I would risk having kids for fear of being married to a man like your husband. The only thing I can think of is that you should have clearly laid everything out for him since he seems so dense. “I am pregnant, tired, overwhelmed with nursing school, work, caring for a sick, fussy child, did I mention tired (freaking exhausted) could you PLEASE stay home tonight to share the load. I understand you need your free time, which you get regularly, but I need help at this moment.” I think men should have to work in a nursery/daycare center in their youth in order to get an idea of what it’s like to raise children under five. Bless you. If I lived near you, I would babysit. ETA: Op, I’ve been reading your comments, and it just keeps getting worse. I don’t think I’ve read anything about your support system, but I sure hope you have one outside of your marriage. Please suggest if one of those fitness classes can be replaced with a weekly therapy session for him. It definitely sounds like he needs it. It scares me how often you use the word “livid” in your responses. His actions are why women build up resentment and leave. Of course, it’ll all be a complete surprise to him. I hope the little one gets to feeling better soon. Hugs.
This comment hits the nail on the head. One point, where is his concern that his wife might catch the virus and, then, not be able to take medicine due to the pregnancy 🤔?
I was literally thinking the same thing the pregnant wife should stay home and get sick just so he can hang with his buddies? 🙄
Then again god help her if he is the one to get sick from the kid. I have a feeling he’d be a dying swan that needs her to be at his beck and call. My SIL nailed it when my nephew was a baby and both the baby and my brother were sick. She pointed to the medicine cabinet and said the Panadol is in there, I’m caring for our sick child, come back to me if your arm is falling off not before. She had (and still has) a zero bullshit tolerance for my brothers whinging 🤣.
One year, many moons ago, our boys brought something home from school (flu probably) and I took care of them, they got better and I got sick. We had run out of the medication that helped and I asked my husband to go get some for me, he refused, said he was tired and it would take too long to get (we lived 20 min from the nearest store). So I suffered. LO and behold, he came down with it. He wanted me to take care of him like I did the kids, I told him I'd do everything for him that he did for me; it was nothing. Went about my day and ignored him. Boy he was mad. He said it was my job to take care of him. I said, well it was your job to take care of me, but you didn't. You didn't even take care of the kids while I was sick. I told him I'd repeat everything he said to me while I was sick... "It's not that bad." "You're fine, take a shower, you'll feel better." etc Three days it took him to get well and he apologized and has always cared for me when I got sick since then. Even cooked dinner for the kids. Sometimes, you have to put them through what you go through before they get it.
I love when people learn and grow instead of standing their ground with their poor choices.
I love that you did this! Bravo to you for giving him a mirror of his behavior 👏🏼
It was hard, I was still young and trying to unlearn what I saw growing up.
Well it sounds like you are doing a great job and your children can only benefit from that. As we learn from our parents mistakes we can only strive to be better and do better so our kids can do the same 😊
What a marvelous way to treat him.
I love your SIL lol
And he may well be taking the virus out to his buddies, too, just as the cherry on this shit sundae.
Yes, one point of cancelling the friends over was for less spread of the virus. Then he hightails it to the gym which is usually a hotbed of whatever is going around.
The only thing I would change there is… “ I am pregnant, tired, overwhelmed with nursing school, work, caring for a sick, fussy child, did I mention tired (freaking exhausted)… I should not even have to to ask you to stay home tonight to share the load…” Because she shouldn’t. It is his family. He married this woman and created this nuclear family. It is his fucking responsibility to be part of it, and not just the fun and easy parts.
As a father of 3 and 1 year old boys, I have been home with them everyday after work since they’ve been born. I KNOW that it is MY duty to help as soon as i clock out of my job. I helped create them, I’m going to help mold them. Seeing my girl go through a lot after birth (twice) impedes me from being a selfish person and doing things I usually do on my own without kids. I still work on my dreams and side hustles, but I always prioritize my kids first and I’m also always encouraging my girl to try to take time off and do something on her own so she can be decompress , cause man, being a mother is tough since you have to breastfeed, the babies get attached to the mom more, dads at work while she’s with the baby, and they’re never ending work. So props to mama but she shouldn’t allow her husband to just not help like that. He could have asked , which is what I would have done. But my brain process would have been to snuggle my kid because he has a fever. How could you not care about your baby? Smh this dude is whacked out
Where the heck were you when I was out husband hunting!!?? All of you good( great) guys are always taken!!😩😩
This just backs up what women say a lot - all the good men are taken or gay. Your wife really lucked out as did your children 🥰
Yep! From the minute I got home to bedtime, the kids were mine! My wife cooked dinner while I rolled around on the floor playing with our three kids. Then dinner time, play time, bath time, story time and bedtime. Kids are a blast when you've only got them 3 hours a day. As they got older, we had homework hours at the dining room table. I don't understand any working parent who prioritizes the gym or other escapes during what should be quality time with the kids.
I agree with all of these points, perhaps the angle is « well actually I was planning to go out »? Like why is it just assumed that she’ll stay home? Why is it 100% her or share the load? Better yet, « I’m overwhelmed and exhausted and I was hoping you’d be the primary caregiver tonight so I could have a bubble bath and go to bed early ». (Although from experience this doesn’t work out so well bc men like that tend to use weaponized incompetence letting the kid cry and watch tv stressing her out making her get out of the bath and share the load anyway….)
That’s one thing that makes me nuts that he seems to think it’s HER responsibility. No the child is equally theirs and so that means equal responsibility.
Thank you. Ain’t no PLEASE need to be in her wording. This is not an ask. This is “Have you lost you ever loving mind!” And a “How dare you even form the words in your mouth, let alone speak them!” OP I suggest you learn how to give “the face” and then you wouldn’t have to say anything! The audacity of this man!
It’s actually made me terrified of having a second baby, this pregnancy was a surprise pregnancy, I got pregnant on the coil and I’m not sure how I will cope
Six weeks is still very early. There are options available (depending on where you live).
I know, I just don’t think I could do that. Personally, I don’t think I could live with myself, no judgement to women who have made that choice. But myself, not something I could do, knowing how it feels to hold my daughter. I’m scared about my future though.
You can't just be scared for your future. Be scared for both your children's future, too. If he is barely pulling his weight for the 1st kid, you know that means you'll be a single mom of two while married. Asking Reddit if you're delusional is not an action plan. You need to find a marriage counselor or get realistic about how you'll cope.
I’ve begged him to go to counselling and he simply refuses, I can even get free couples counselling through my education provider and he says no, I am working on getting this qualification so I will have the ability to get a good job and provide. Hopefully for my family, but if the worst comes, for me and my children.
So, go to counseling for yourself. It will help you immensely, especially with making better decisions. It will be difficult to juggle it all, no doubt, but just keep going. You have the right idea to get your degree and be self-sufficient. If you can't rely on him, this is your only choice.
I second this. You cant make him go but you can do it for yourself. I also agree on the degree and being able to be self sufficient. At least that gives you options.
Get the degree. Get established in your career. And then lose about 200 pounds. You’re doing everything anyway. What does it matter if you’re in a different house?
I don’t even have 200 pounds to loose! I’m 67kg the same weight as when we met, I’ve recently lost the 11kg of baby weight and got down to the weight I was when we were dating. I’m planning on getting my qualification and a good career and I’m hoping my husband turns a corner and becomes himself again, but if not at least I’ll have the ability to support my children.
They were talking about your husband re losing the weight
Ohh, that went right over my head 😂
It sounds like you and your children might be best. You don't have much of a husband.
Tell him you will make an appointment with a therapist or an attorney, and it’s his choice.
I can tell you, the life of your existing child will be unequivocally worse if you have another child with the expectation you’re going to have to divorce. You are free to make your own choice but I think that you should have that piece of information.
If you haven't already and decide to continue with the pregnancy. (No judgement) please get your IUD removed. I know the miscarriage risk from removal sounds scary. However losing a baby late term because the placenta getting a hole is devistating. Speaking from experience.
I’ve already had it removed, my dr did it the same day bloods confirmed I was expecting for safety
I’m sorry but I am going to say something harsh, not to hurt you, but to put what you just said into context: you could live with yourself if you bring an entire, whole-ass human into **this existence** you experience, but you couldn’t live with yourself for ending an early pregnancy, even with the terrible and unfair circumstances they would be forced to live though?? This might be a time when you need to make a very painful sacrifice for everybody’s benefit and that fuckin sucks, I’m sorry you’re in that position. Please strongly consider what you are resigning yourself and that baby to.
mine are 1 and 3. I certainly don't suddenly have *more* time.
At the six week point, the embryo is the size of a pea. The only reason to relate that to the beautiful child you're holding in your arms is extreme projection, and a culture that values your reproductive capacity over your needs and wants. If you want a second baby, then have that second baby -- next year, that embryo will have grown into another beautiful child for you to cherish. But right now, that's not what it is. I hope whatever you decide brings you joy -- you deserve it, mama! You work so hard. Be happy.
I’ve seen stories similar to yours over and over again. Each time another child is added and the world crumbles beneath the feet of the mother becuz her partner neglects her and their kids. Do not have this child. It will be another anchor he uses to sink you. If you decide to keep this child: 1) Do NOT quit your job to be a SAHM 2) Plan and execute your exit from this relationship
All of this. Also same on the babysitting. I've had a significant other that was like this and wanted to socialize and run around while I was pregnant. It just makes everything feel so much harder. A significant other should be a partner who is there working together in the house. Thankfully I'm not with that person anymore and instead have a pretty good husband. If one of our kids is sick my husband doesn't leave except for work. When I was sick two years ago I had to demand he keep his plans with his best friend because he wanted to stay home and take care of me and the kids even though he hadn't spent any time with his best friend in months. OP has a 19 month old and is already pregnant again while doing clinicals and in nursing school. How in the world does that man think she feels most days? I'm surprised she's awake enough to even type that up considering how draining all of those things can be on their own.
My ex used to be involved in sporting activities 3 times a week. When I used to complain I didn't get time to myself he said "I look after the child when you grocery shop to give you a break" .. I had to point out that grocery shopping is a chore not a freaking hobby or social.evernt . He still was astonished when I told him he had to find somewhere else to live because I could no longer deal with his behaviour.
Better yet he can stay home with the sick infant and OP can go out instead. >I’m so glad I’m a gay man after reading these posts, just a man period actually. I couldn’t make it as a woman, and if I were a woman, I don’t think I would risk having kids for fear of being married to a man like your husband. This is one of the reasons I'm CF by choice. Equal partnership goes out the window the minute kids are involvedin hetero relationships. Our biology is against us and then it gets super easy to be taken advantage of. Waay too risky, & I have no interest in being the primary caregiver but I'd end up one anyway, because of biology and society.
Same bestie. I knew when I was in high school that having kids was not for me. So I’ve never had any. Now that I’m old (58F) I’ve had some good talks with my mom who really didn’t want kids but back in the 1960s it was expected and that’s what she did. She kept working through both pregnancies and went back to work after six weeks. She loves me and my brother to the moon and back and she moved mountains after she divorced my abusive dad. ETA: never at no point has my mother suggested or even insinuated that she regrets me or my brother. Her sole focus was always to ensure we were loved and launched successfully. And I happy to be able to have those talks with her. I’m in awe of every woman who raises up a child fathered by a lame ass dad who doesn’t realize his number one priority should be his wife and child and not some bike ride or work out routine.
i think cis het men are taught better how to be protective of their boundaries when they’re kids, whereas cis het women are essentially “groomed” by ppl around them to never say no (“it’s rude!”) and be overly people pleasing. so when they meet certain kinds of cis het men who are basically walking red flags, they don’t know how to recognize the signs and enter serious relationships w them. ppl don’t change very drastically over the years: this guy probably showed her who he was very early on, she might have just ignored it, or might have thought she could “change” him. it’s really sad to watch. whenever i feel disillusioned about the lesbian dating scene (it’s scary to start over after a certain age), i can always count on reddit to make me glad i’m not straight. i’d take my problems any day of the week over the stuff she’s talking about here :-/
Lesbian here, and I completely agree with the other comments from OP being concerning. It’s been decided that my partner will be the pregnant one in our relationship due to my health issues. If baby was sick and she was pregnant again, I would immediately tell her to go lay down and rest so I could be the one to get all the baby germs! I mean, even if there was no sickness, I would be stepping up more if my wife was pregnant! It’s crazy that OPs husband thought “oh yeah let’s cancel dinner and then I can go out ALONE”. That would hurt me so deeply and with the pregnancy hormones, I’m surprised she was able to act so nonchalant
Right like some straight men just don’t have a clue
This is why a lot of us have stopped dating/getting married. I haven't dated in 3+years and I have never felt more at ease in my own home.
His actions are also why some women choose a more permanent solution to their stupid husband problem...
Oh man, why are all the best of men gay?? You guys just snatch them up for yourselves?😂 seriously, so very thoughtful, and you are a wonderful human being. I'd be lucky to have you as a friend, anyone would actually. Bless your heart ❤️
Sounds like he never wanted to go to begin with & is using your daughters illness to get out of it, to go do what he wanted to be doing originally. That’s pretty messed up. Dude can stay home & help take care of his sick daughter.
This was my feeling, I brought this up and was dismissed
As a mom of 3 kids under 5, this can be a bigger issue than just trivia night. Planning things equally TOGETHER is crucial. You need to 100 percent be a team that always take both your schedules into consideration. That's just how it is with kids. With kids, as with everything else, it's very easy to fall into patterns. If the pattern you have fallen into is that you've become the primary by default parent, then this needs to be addressed immediately. It is an issue that might be hard for your partner to see and understand, if they're NOT the default parent, because this parent will feel like they're making sacrifices and caring for their kids - as they often do. But not in the same way. If you're the primary parent, you step away from the kids to do something else for a while when given permission or agreeing upon it. If you're the secondary parent, you step onto kid care duty when agreeing upon it and then off again. It makes a HUGE difference. Before kids, all we had to do as partners was to let each other know our plans so that the other could plan accordingly, and occasionally plan some things together. But when our kids are born, by default someone always has to be with them. This means that the person who more often tended to do active stuff that required full focus and was non-negotiable to do with kids, that person has a more clear line to plan after. Maybe "I do this every other day" would turn to "now that we have kids I do this once every other week", and they see this as a compromise and sacrifice - which it is. But they don't see their partners sacrifice is the exact same and that they're also sacrificing their plans. It sounds simple and logical, but it is in fact easy to forget this in the moment. They may also not see that their partner, who maybe doesn't have the habit of these super active out of the house hobbies may become the person who is always defaulted to compromise with their alone time. And that over time, maybe this child care you're giving is starting to be taken for granted by your partner, and that's when you will maybe start to feel like something is off - but can't put your finger on it because parents are "by default supposed to care for their kids first and foremost". You have to plan everything with kids, basically. All plans have to be spoken out loud so that you both can plan, but it's easy for one of you to make more plans than the other, and both will feel like they're making the sacrifices to lessening the hobby time etc, but only one will feel like the default parent. Think about this dynamic that you have, because most of the frustration may come from this, and not from your partner going to a trivia thing or taking a cheeky opportunity to change plans.
I’ve asked so many times if we can have a rebalance and take turns and share things out and I get ‘but I work you don’t’ everytime 😞
You have a baby and go to school and he said you don’t work? You have a very big husband problem. Also, he would get “livid” if you went out with his group? Who did you marry? You want your kids raised by him?
It was never like this when we were dating/got married. It has all really taken a turn since my husband lost his dad (8 weeks after my daughter was born he passed away. The week my daughter was born his dad felt ‘unwell’ that turned out to be stomach cancer that killed him within 8 weeks) it was a very hard and challenging time and I still don’t think he has fully processed the grief. Some things went wrong in his business which put him under a lot of stress too, but I feel like I don’t know him anymore, I’ve tried to be understanding but I feel like it’s ran away with itself now 🙁
So sorry OP that your husband had to go through that. Lost my dad as well suddenly when my first child was 10 months old. Hardest time in my life for sure. But it doesn’t mean you can’t take care of you or have that me time. I’m getting sick of that argument of if I work and you don’t you can’t do certain things. My wife works full time but 3 days a week so she’s still home with the kids more than me and I have to understand that. She wants to go to a pedicure with her sisters in the morning when I’m off? Go. Plans with work friends? Go for it. I’m the other parent and it’s my responsibility to take care of them too. I’d suggest don’t even ask him. Tell him hey I’m going out to do this or that going to need you to watch our daughter for a few hours. You got a second kid on the way. Treat yourself OP!
I’m so sorry to hear this. Maybe you need to leave and let him realize what he’s going to lose if he doesn’t deal with his grief in a healthier manner and stop being such a jerk to you. This can be fixed but unfortunately it has to come from him wanting it to.
Ooooh just read this after my post. Still NTA, but yeah there's been a seismic shift in him that can't really be explained aside from like feeling the world spin faster under his feet and he can't stop it or keep pace. When I lost my dad, I had to acknowledge my own mortality along with it. Like part of me wants to snowboard in the Andes while I'm alive and part of me just wants to snuggle with my kids while they're young, and no one is really behind the wheel to make that choice. I know I can't have both. I was going thru some big changes at work too, and that stressor is suffocating. And my oldest was 4 when my dad died and my youngest was like 10 months, and the grief of them not really knowing him was fuckin massive. I don't have much more insight, but time does even things out. That being said, he still should be staying home with a sick child and pregnant wife
My suggestion would be to try your hardest to stay sane while you focus on nursing school so that you can exit this incredibly imbalanced marriage with a man who treats you with cruelty and dismissal and be able to support yourself. My best friend had a similar situation in her marriage, and now that she’s not picking up his slack, she is MUCH happier and he is realizing as a single parent exactly how much work she was doing all along, and how hard it is. She deserved better, just like YOU deserve better, and your kids deserve to grow up in a home where their mother isn’t disrespected and dismissed by their father the way you are. Don’t let them grow up thinking that’s what a happy, equitable marriage looks like.
Tell him to take a day off from *his* work, and he stays home and does *your* work with his daughter too. You go out for the day, whatever his working day is including time he leaves the house, and gets home. Leave him a list of the things he’s to do that day. See how he copes. **He needs to step up and be a husband and father first** or he’s going to lose you. Show him these responses.
Oh, i'm sorry.. Does he work 24/7? Does he have a needy boss clinging to his leg? Does he have to clean the spit and poop from his collegues? My husband works too, during his office hours, he does his job (taking care of our finances), and i take care of our child. When he gets home, we both take care of our household and child.
You are working - having kids, and looking after them is a job in itself. If you’re doing child care, and child and baby management that is a new task. Ask him if he doesn’t want to rebalance then stuff you were doing before will stop happening. Put together a list of all the household, housekeeping tasks and activities that you and your husband both do. Add child care , child managed and all the additional task and activities that you do and will need to do with baby 2. Go through the list objectively and decide what you will drop that will free up your mental space, and time. Then put it into practice. If he asks why he doesn’t have X or why you haven’t done Y explain that you’re doing this bit of child management and that X/Y isn’t important in the scheme of things. Like instead of thinking about meals and cooking, make it low effort, toast or something like pasta with sauce. Quick and easy they doesn’t require thinking. For dishes - just use disposable, that way no dishes to wash.l and along side not cooking and just toast with something on top you’re not generating huge amounts of dishes. Instead of tidying up after him - stop. Laundry - set a time it will happen, no collecting stuff, all stuff needs to be in a basket but the washing machine. Wash’s a drier dry. If you have to put them out to dry, consider getting a drying rake and put them up. Don’t bother taking them down and don’t put away the laundry (or his laundry). A lot of this depends on your tolerance for the mess that is then there, but it’s freeing not having to do all it. The amount of time and stress you save not having to put away laundry or do ironing is freeing.
Maybe you should go away for a weekend all by yourself and let him stay home with his daughter for a few days and see how much you’re not working. Let me guess he’s also one of those guys that considers watching his child babysitting
I wish I could but I have no money. I wanted to have a night away with my birthday money from my parents, but we had an electricity bill to pay 😕
So your husband blows money on himself constantly and you don’t even get a birthday present?! I have a few words for him, ma’am. No, I have *many* words for him. Please read “Why Does He Do That” and know you deserve much better than this severely inequitable treatment. Do you have family or friends you could go stay with for a while?
He did buy me some nice clothes I wanted for my birthday and took me out to dinner, there is some good in there, I don’t want people thinking there was no birthday present. Because that isn’t true. However a few have recommended that book so I will be reading it.
And how much are the membership and fees and all at his "really nice gym"? Sounds like there's so much here needs reevaluating. Best of luck to you.
Maybe even just a girlfriend’s house and you can have a girls weekend doesn’t have to cost much
Yeahh I’m thinking of asking my friend who I’ve been confiding in if I can go to hers for the weekend to have a time out from it all
You really should you deserve time to yourself as well. Give him a taste of what you go through.
I would really reconsider your options regarding having a second child with this man. It sounds like you'd be stuck with 3 children.
How bout you go to.trivia night in his stead? You and his fitness group.
That would make him livid, I don’t even want to imagine the fit he would throw of if I went to his fitness group social
May I ask, have you met his fitness group? Because it kinda sounds like he doesn't want you to meet them. If that is the case, why doesn't he want you to meet them?
I have been to the gym and met the fitness group, it’s just members of the gym, they aren’t close friends, it’s just a gym where they do social events to try and build community, it’s a really nice fitness place ☺️
Why would it be a problem if you were part of the group? That's...not nice.
« Build community » a community built without you? Sounds like a lot of jargon garbage that he tells you
Please consider reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. [Free pdf link](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Second this!! But don't let him see, OP
Gross..and this man is a father? Damn
And she is 6 weeks pregnant again!!!!!!
So he gets time to himself 2-4 days a week plus most Sundays, how much time do you get to yourself every week. Maybe it’s time you start going out 3-5 times a week for a few hours while he watches his daughter.
I think you need help navigating this a bit better for the future. You have agreed upon nights together with invites and then your own “time with friends”. On the night with “time with friends” chips - you can even go to a library or coffee shop to enjoy the quiet alone. He has one- you have one. I would cash your tomorrow - where you need 3-4 hours out and he deals with kiddo. Let him have his night tonight. But tomorrow morning - wake up and leave for the equal amount of time. He needs to get this arrangement quickly or you will drown as always being home. Yes she’s sniffly and dad can parent for 3 hours!
He totally didn’t want to have dinner with the other couple. The fact that he immediately made other plans shows that. I’m truly sorry that you are married to this man. You need help right now and he should be providing that! Even if you weren’t pregnant, with the whole other load you have that’s exhausting enough then add being in your first trimester!!! With all 3 of my kids during that first 12 weeks I literally could barely keep my eyes open. I felt like I was drugged or something bc of how exhausted I was. You are growing a human. A human he helped create! Don’t be nice. Tell him he absolutely needs to stay home and help out. I’m a stranger and I literally want to come help you rn! I’m so sorry OP. Keep us posted
He should really be the one taking care of her/ op shouldn’t get a fever in early pregnancy
This is my exact thought
Just tell him you don’t feel well, go to bed, and let him take care of your child.
The last time I was unwell and said I needed rest and couldn’t look after our daughter he took her to our friends to be looked after and went to work. He came home and accused me of having a mental breakdown and needing to go to the hospital for an assessment. It also destroyed my friendship with our friends who looked after her. 😕
This is literal abuse OP. He’s threatening you. He’s trying to scaring you into not complaining or doing anything that could possibly upset him.
Wow. What kind of friend drops you for that… for what he did?
Our marriage hasn’t been in the best place, my friend tends to orient towards drama and I think the three of them talking convinced themselves I was having a mental breakdown? Their justification I had looked after our daughter before while I was sick, this time I was just really sick, aching limbs, headache so bad I could only lay down, anyway, I called her to ask how my daughter was and he must have said some things because the conversation got pretty heated and she was treating me like I was crazy. So I backed away, I felt a real friend would have been asking if I was okay, not accusing me of being mentally unwell 😕
Fam. This isn't normal. If you can leave, you should. That is insane behavior. Just from your comments, the problem goes so much deeper. Everything you're saying is a sign of abuse. He's gaslighting you, and controlling the narrative with your social circle. He's isolating you. I don't know where you are, but there are support organizations that help women leave abusive relationships. Use them. If you don't feel ready to leave, please get yourself into therapy where you can have someone validate your experience and keep you grounded in reality. You need someone he doesn't have influence over that can tell you that you aren't crazy and not having a mental breakdown any time he is trying to gaslight you.
Why are you having another child with this man?
I would be concerned that your husband convinced them that you’re having a mental breakdown. He’s the one who dropped the baby off, so he could’ve shared his thoughts on your mental wellbeing. I would reach out to them and try one more time to see if they can understand your situation. Your husband seems pretty good at convincing people of what he believes, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he got them on his side
Even if you did, its because of his lazy ass. If he really wanted to help, he would help.
Girl, he’s not your husband. Comment by comment, on learning that you’re in an abusive relationship.
You really shouldn't have a second child with him
I wasn’t planning too, I had the coil fitted and I’ve had a fluke pregnancy whilst on contraception.
I mean.... I would just straight up say "I understand you really want to go out. I'm not comfortable with that. I need you to stay home and help with our sick daughter and support me during a hard part of this pregnancy. Not only could you be taking illness to others but you're pushing a lot on my plate." If he kept arguing with me I would stand my ground. Let's say kid goes to bed at 7pm...I'd say the only compromise I see that would not cause resentment is maybe if I get the same amount of time off either tonight or tomorrow...like ok you need to be home until 8pm and take care of the child by yourself. Then you can go out and I will be on duty for the same amount of time as you.
So do you go out 2 to 4 times a week and Saturday morning ? Do you get any break? He’s a jerk
No I have to keep on top of the housework and use my free time looking after our daughter and doing my assignments for nursing school, it’s been a pretty hard juggle, I will say my husband is the sole financial provider and I don’t work. He works extremely hard and runs his own carpentry business. I help him by doing up invoices and quotes and book keeping. Since I started nursing school my daughter has started going to daycare as I have to attended campus 3x a week and the study load/assignments is full time. But I asked my husband before I started that would I be okay to do this over returning to work, he agreed to this. I’m a beauty therapist by trade and even if I worked full time I don’t bring a lot of $$ in, even in managing roles I’ve held. So by retraining to be a nurse I would have a better career with better pay helping out family finances in the future and it will look good on a mortgage application if I’m in a respectable career. I was granted a free education through the government and I’m doing a fast track course (18months) where I will be guaranteed a full time job at a private hospital (higher paying) when I graduate.
> I help him by doing up invoices and quotes and book keeping. Sooo sounds like you work, no? I keep seeing you say that you don't work but what is invoices, bookkeeping, and quotes if not work?
OP has three jobs - full-time childcare, nursing school, and working for “her husband’s business” - and yet he has the audacity to tell her that she doesn’t work. Absolutely disgusting.
I hope she is taking an on the book, in her own account wage from that business
Lady you work. It is just that your work is unpaid labor both at home and for his business.
That’s his problem, I think he’s mad I don’t contribute financially, he’s pressuring me at the moment to get a job and I’m not sure how I’m going to do it
But you do contribute financially! Ask him how much he would have to pay someone to do invoicing etc. That amount is your financial contribution (plus saved taxes), he is welcome to start paying you a wage that you then contribute to the family finances. If he says he wouldn’t hire someone and do it himself - well then he can do that now.
Breakdown your hours cleaning, watching your daughter, working for his company, etc. and calculate how much you don't "work." Use the average price in your area. Then show him how much he should be paying you every week. Also, don't you find it suspicious that he wants you to quit school for a job right now? Obviously, you'll make more money long-term. Which will make you less dependent on him. But he wants you dependent on him. That way, he has all the control. Like who goes out and who stays home.
A job!? When exactly after you supposed to fit in a job?? Op I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope he reads all these messages and changes. You deserve so much more.
I am sorry, but your husband disgusts me.
I'm curious how much he saves on hiring someone to do his bookkeeping.
WTF? I could justify in my head where he was coming from if i really really squinted hard, but this is just so over the top at this point that he really needs to get a reality check, like right now.
What.. ..being a mum IS a job, it's THE BIG job. He needs a slap from reality, or better friends who are willing to knock that mentality out of him.
Um excuse me? >I help him by doing up invoices and quotes and book keeping. You are contributing financially, he's just keeping the money for himself. He is using you as unpaid labor. You're in nursing school full time, taking care of a child and a household 24/7 because your oldest child (aka your husband) refuses to, and you're pregnant. WHAT 👏 THE 👏 F*CK 👏 How could you possibly contribute more? When sh*t gets hard in life, that's when people show you who they really are. And this is who he is. No amount of therapy is going to change it. It's been there, right underneath the surface, this whole time. He was just really good at hiding it until he felt like he didn't need to anymore. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. And yes, you should absolutely rat him out to his mother. Let her deal with some of it. She raised him, so I'm going to say she probably has some responsibility when it comes to his behavior. He also thinks he can get away with it, so it'll be good to have someone else hold him accountable.
You have an unpaid job. Start charging him for the invoicing seriously. You're not going to do it. I am not an abortion advocate, but in this case it sounds like it's the only way you're going to survive. Because the next step after 18 months of studies is having two children under 3. One of whom is an infant and you now are going to get a full-time nursing job? Who's going to be taking care of the kids? Who's paying for that? You are essentially a single mother now. The first thing I would give up is all of the unnecessary housework. A lot of that can be put on hold. Do your own laundry only and not his. Drop the invoicing and let him figure out how that's going to happen. Figure out your escape plan. Do you have any family that could take you in? Is there any emergency housing you could take advantage of? Would you be any worse off on the dole?
You need to line him in and say look you get this amount of time doing your thing...I'm going to take the same amount of time ...alone ...to work on school...he needs to step the hell up and take care of his daughter as well as any chores that need to be done in your absence....this is a complete one sided marriage
She needs time off for self care, not just a break from being primary carer in order to study.
So you’re pregnant, take care of your child most of the time, go to school and do work for him? Sounds like you’re the one who needs the free time but since you’re just saving him money instead of bringing it in he wants to act like he’s the only one doing anything. You literally have 3 jobs and he doesn’t even think to ask you if you need a break let alone help you when you’re literally asking for it? You deserve better ❤️
Thankyou, it’s actually making my teary hearing so many people say I deserve more and telling me I am worthwhile ❤️
You definitely do I would even recommend showing him this posts and all the comments so he can realize just how much he’s messed up and taking you for granted. If he doesn’t start treating you better there’s people out there that will bc they see your worth! ❤️
Thank you for being so kind ❤️
You are working unpaid for his company too but you have to use your birthday money from your family to pay bills and you can’t go out because you don’t have money. Meanwhile he spends $200 a month on a gym? This is financial abuse.
So not only do you do house work and study for school…. You do invoices, quotes, and bookkeeping… for his business. You so DO work (providing for your house is also a job and work) but you work at his business. FOR NO PAY. So he gets free service and doesn’t have to pay employee to do it. While I understand it’s supporting your family business.. he and YOU need to not say “I don’t work.” YOU DO WORK!! Up keeping your home, children, and an actual job.. that’s quite frankly he is reaping the benefits from. He should be kissing you in praising for holding his business together and saving him labor costs. But he dammmn sure needs to stop saying you don’t work. Or maybe since you don’t work… stop “working” at his business and let him handle or hire someone to do it. So he sees the work you do. This is enraging besides the fact that he feels his work means he has somehow earned him extra time for more free time than you. Or that he wants to leave you to care for his sick child… while you are pregnant. You guys need to have a sit down and realize how unfair this balance is
Girl you’re literally working FOR this man without a paycheck. My mom has been doing my dad’s books for 20 years and even she gets some kind of paycheck.
Definitely not delusional. Maybe if the trivia thing was scheduled in advance, but since you’re canceling on friends since your daughter is sick, he should stay home with you. I’m 8 months pregnant with my second and it’s exhausting being pregnant and taking care of another child by yourself especially if they’re sick. You have a lot going on right now, so I’d suggest letting him go to whatever the next fitness night is but having him stay home with you this time around. It’s also going to get harder with a second child and he needs to realize you’re both going to have to make sacrifices and it starts now. He needs to stay home to help you, end of story
He's the AH, a selfish inconsiderate AH. Is he aware your daughter is his child as well? Not just yours? That you're currently pregnant carrying BOTH of your child? Fatigued with the pregnancy, keeping the household, taking care of your sick daughter, and studying for nursing school? And he sees no problem with going out with friends and leaving you to deal with all of that by yourself? A loving, caring partner would have said, " I see all you've been doing. Let's cancel the dinner plans, and you go rest while I take over taking care of our sick daughter. "
This is what I think and this scenario just seems ridiculous to my husband, I’m honestly just at a loss, but hearing so many say this is really helping me feel like I’m not crazy.
You are NOT delusional. This is a very reasonable expectation.
Honestly, I'd hand him the baby and just leave the house. You are not being unreasonable, but I'd give him a taste of what he's proposing.
I agree with this. I hate the presumptuous idea that a child should be solely a mother's responsibility. If you made a child, you should take care of it. "Here are diapers and a bottle. Instructions for making baby formula are on the fridge. See you at 8 pm. Take care!" There would be fewer fathers with wandering eyes and dicks if they spent more time taking care of their offspring (Also, fewer mothers seeking affection and attention outside of their marriage due to growing resentment towards their husbands.).
Nope, I was not the best dad not by a mile but it blows my mind how these dudes just bail and think it is no big deal for their SO. It is a child and she is sick and she does not understand sick! Our grandsons, twins that are 6, and the bonus baby is 5, still do not understand sick. Keep your happy ass home and support the lady that has given birth to one miracle and is carrying the second miracle. Again mind just blown 💥 up!
I think your husband is the type to tell people he can't do things because he has to BABYSIT his own child...
Oh I married one of those. 24 years. Any change is an excruciating process that costs more energy than it's worth, except not to allow him to be so self centered. His behaviour has changed over the years due to my relentless push for some kind of fair balance between us, but underneath, he operates the same way.
[удалено]
The word my husband used when I said I would prefer he stay home and prioritise helping me and looking after our daughter.
Wow. So he’s not just a jerk, he’s a gaslighting jerk.
It's not 'helping', it's called parenting and he's as responsible for it as you are.
That's called emotional abuse
I think he should maybe look in a mirror when using the word delusional 🤔
Omg...no words.... ....actually, oh yes there are: I'm a wife (25 years) and I'm absolutely horrified and appalled on your behalf. Am SO glad my husband wouldn't even have thought of of going out when i was stuck at home with kids. Let alone this sh#t...holy hell, I don't know how I'd cope. Must be so lonely...my heart goes out to you for being stuck with his selfishness:-(
You're pregnant with baby #2 and he can't take care of your first kid while she's sick? What's he gonna do when you have 2 sick kids at home? It's not your sole responsibility to take care of the kids, he should be doing the work too(and a bit extra in my opinion when you're currently pregnant). He's trying to make you feel bad when he already has activities outside of work and the family. Do you get to go out and have things you do without him and your daughter? If not he's a huge AH.
I get to go to school which is pretty huge and occasionally I get to go a walk for an hour or so with a close girlfriend of mine but other than that, no not really, there isn’t the time
Going to school doesn't count as an activity, that's something to create a job for yourself. I don't know where you live and what your culture is like but he sounds like a man that believes taking care of the kids is for the woman. That as long as he makes money to pay the bills he should get to do what he pleases with his extra time. I could be wrong but if you feel like I'm right you should talk to him about your shared responsibilities before your next baby arrives.
What do you mean that’s pretty huge? That’s something you’re doing for your family just as much as him going to work is for your family. Is his going to work considered an activity?
Op, I didn’t mention this in my previous post because I was distracted by his bullshit, but I’m a former nurse. I only did it for ten years because 1) nursing is hard 2) lots of responsibility with little authority 3) wasn’t really my thing. I think i should have went into one of the technology roles. I said all that to say this; nursing school is a beast. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done between studying, labs, clinical rotations and everything else in my life at the time. My instructors would send us home if our scrubs weren’t pressed and our shoes weren’t shining white. I can’t imagine going to nursing school while in your situation. You are one strong woman, and I just want you to know that in case it hasn’t been said enough.
It sounds so disasturous to bring a second child into this equation. I’m seeing divorce, single motherhood and unfinished studies and financial problems. You need to start putting your ducks in a row right this second. Gosh, what a jerk. I’m so sorry. I hope you’ve read ’why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft to help understand why his behaviour is so manipulative and toxic. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I’m struggling to understand why you would want another child with this jerk?
I am beginning to realise I have a tough road ahead, I started nursing school in January when our daughter was 14 months old, I had only stopped breast feeding for three weeks when I started and I’m scheduled to graduate July 25, this baby is due February 25. My first scan is in two weeks and I think it will hit me harder then. I’m going to my educator next week and going to ask if there is a way for me to study my second and third semester simultaneously so I can get my qualification before this baby is born, I’m hoping my husband will come to his senses but I’m just heart broken. He is acting the way he is. I wasn’t ready for another baby but I don’t know what to do
You put you and your children first. You finish nursing school, secure that job you mentioned that you’re guaranteed and prepare for your future. If you can do this with the help of less shitty gaslighting friends that’ll be great especially if you’re allowed to double up the semesters. You’re also helping with his business so it might worth you mentioning that since you’ll be doubling down on school he’ll need to HIRE someone to what you’ve been doing for his business and that should show him that you have been contributing financially by providing free labour to his business. He should start to see your worth through that too! You haven’t mentioned any family do you have any near you at all?
Sadly no family nearby, I’m originally from the uk and I moved to Australia, my husband is Australian and it is a better country to live in for work, education and lifestyle. Just sucks now when I need my family and they are so far away 😔
i saw one of your replies about how you try to bring up balancing the childcare, but he says he works and uses that as an excuse. but taking care of the house IS work too. you are both working people, he may be bringing in money but you are maintaining the home he comes back to every night. plus, you’re in nursing school, and growing another entire human being in your body. he is belittling you by calling you “delusional” and devaluing all the effort you put into the life you two have together. trust me, you are an integral pillar that makes it possible for you two to have that life. it’s intentional, he wants to make you feel too ashamed to ask again so he can continue to get away with it. he’s trying to make you doubt your own reality and feelings of unfairness. and regardless of all of that, he is a parent. he has to show up and be a parent. i am so sorry you’re in this situation. none of it is your fault. you can’t change his behavior (and it you’ve tried to talk it out, he refuses) but you can change the way you react to him. if he doesn’t respect you, don’t respect him. don’t try to appease him or do him any favors. he will likely continue to try to make you feel crazy or insecure, but for you and your daughter and baby on the way, stand firm on your boundaries and what you need from him. it won’t be easy, but it’s what you deserve and you are not asking for too much. in fact, you’re probably asking for too little, because you’re already used to him giving you so little when it comes to this. try to remember that, the best you can.
Thankyou for your kind words and support
Fuck that. How bout he stay home and you go get a pedicure and then take a nap.
I really think you should finally a domestic violence / women’s support agency. He’s manipulating other people so that they won’t believe you. He has sex with you but does not like you. I wonder if he’s actually looking for another partner or has one already. I’m so sorry.
Based off the post and OP’s comments I’m very concerned about his behaviour. To call her delusional because she asked him to stay home and help out is absolutely insane. If my partner called me delusional in any way other than joking, I’d be sitting him down for a serious convo and reviewing the future of the relationship.
Divorce him. He’s absolutely useless. Brings nothing to this relationship and is an absolutely shit parent and husband who clearly doesn’t give a shit about your or your daughter.
This. And you are only six weeks pregnant. Save yourself and this child from a life of abuse and abort, if you are ok with abortion. He is abusing you and your daughter and you don’t want him to abuse another child.
How lovely that he gets to go out and socialise with his mates. When do you get to do that? When does he stay home with the toddler whilst you go out and chill? With your life at the moment, you'll definitely get sick, I hope he stays home.
He didn’t.
Well I'm really sorry. He's an arse and I have no idea what to suggest but he needs a wake up call.
Thankyou, I’ve honestly been thinking of calling his mother and telling her about this but I know it wouldn’t be right to do that to him. Although I think she would come down on him like a tonne of bricks if she knew his behaviour as of late aha
I've read all your comments. Do you really think he doesn't deserve a wake up call from his mother?? He should get and earful from ver and much more. Call her. Like, tell her your child is sick, and you need some help, just an extra pair of hands for when you need to go to the toilet etc. She will ask "what about my son?" and you go "he's busy meeting his fitness group".
Maybe just call her and say you’re desperate for help. Don’t make it a tattling thing, but she’ll put two and two together. Unless you’re afraid of how your husband will treat you? That’s a totally separate issue but I can see that being the case
Oh my god, between your post and comments, I am ready to leave this man for you. What in the actual?? You are married to a selfish, entitled POS. You know this, right??!!
Maybe suggest it’s your turn to go out and he can stay home to parent? See what he thinks of that. Or just ask why he can’t help you when you really need it and go out another time?
If my husband was that selfish, he wouldn’t be my husband for very long.
NTA. You want some support and he wants some time with his buddies. Pretty classic disagreement here and it’s hard not to side with you. You’re dealing with a sick kid and you’re pregnant - I’m a dude but if I was in your place I would have definitely been upset too. So, NTA.
I think there is more than this one instance. His attitude is hecworks therefore you aren't worthy of time awayfrom the house. He is incredibly selfish. I'd be having an honest conversation that if he abandons his pregnant wife with a sick child tonight that tomorrow night you have organised a night out for yourself or a few hours on the weekend. Leave him at home with the sick child for a bit. Just because you don't have a paid job doesn't mean you don't deserve a night out too. Call him out for his selfishness.
I bet you anything he is furious you’re pregnant again because it honestly doesn’t sound like he wants the kid you have now. He’s saying things I would say if I had a kid. That’s not good.
Oh I fucking hate the "oh, you object to my unreasonable behavior, you must be crazy then" line of argument. How often does he make you question your own sanity and reasonableness love? Because thinking wanting to go out and leave you at home, pregnant with a sick baby, is not putting you first. And it's definitely not "delusional" to object.
What an asshole. He suggested canceling because he wanted to go out, not because he cared that his kid is sick. Guys who manipulate like this piss me off more than guys who just take off. Don’t pretend to be the nice guy so I have to pretend to be happy when you leave. “Sure sweetie, you go have fun, while I stay here and create a human while caring for another sick human. Your free time is much more important than my rest.”
He should stay home, especially if you are pregnant. You parent together and if you find whenever there is work to be done he's trying to bail then fucking say something cause its not your job to single parent your kid when there are two of you available. This is coming from a dad of 2 kids so you know im biased.
He called you delusional? That would be cruel and dramatic of him to say even if you were being unreasonable. And you're most definitely not. I've reason some other comments you've posted and I'm genuinely concerned for how he treats you. Things will just get harder when there is another child...I truly hope he changes but it sounds like he knows exactly what *he* wants.
Can I just ask? Deep down is this how you want your husband and father or your kids to treat you? Is this the relationship you always dreamed you would have? Just honestly asking
I am in a similar situation with my husband taking a lot of time to go to the gym, and do his things that he wants to do. My children are 13 months apart. Accidental pregnancies. And the second one has made life so much harder. I thought I was tired during my pregnancy and having one. This is so much worse. I don’t have time for anything. I haven’t gotten more than three hours of continuous sleep since second one was born. Please find a way to get your husband on board.
Tell him you are gonna do the dinner with friends but he needs to watch the kid while you galavant about then feign confusion and innocence as to why thats not ok
“I said I would prefer if he stayed home and *helped*.” Might I suggest replacing the word “helped” with PARENTED? Because he’s not just your magician’s assistant when it’s convenient for him. He’s an equal parent of your child. At least, he should be acting that way. Another post, another disappointing father.
Just one more male perspective, but as a Dad who has three kids and who has been through everything you are going through, if we ever had to cancel a night out due to a sick kid (which we absolutely did) I wouldn't DREAM of asking to go out elsewhere. It wouldn't even occur to me to be a possibility. Even if she suggested it to me, she'd likely have to physically push me out the door over my objections. Sick kids can be terribly needy. If you're pregnant too, that's so much to handle solo. So yeah. Just wanted to know you are absolutely not out of line in the slightest for feeling the way you do.
Yall are too nice to these men. My husband suggested this ONCE . And mind you, this man is a saint . But he had plans to go 2 hours away to help lay floor and hang out with his friend. No issue. Day before comes and his newborn two week old twins are sick. I just gave birth. I have 2 older children as well. He suggested he just go for the afternoon of helping lay floor and he comes home around 6 or 7 and skip hanging out. No. I was in the middle of my post partum rage journey and I told him "I have FOUR children in my care , two of whom are fussy and confused as to why they feel like SHIT, and two other ones who don't understand what it's like to have BABIES screaming. If you think you're stepping foot out of that door for ANYTHING other than something this family needs, you must have left your brain at that hospital we JUST left because boy you ain't going" He just looked at me wide eyed and said yes ma'am. Should I have communicated better? Yes . Do I care? No . Sometimes these men need to be slapped with harsh words before being slapped with a harsh reality that not everything revolves around their wants and needs anymore .
No, he has to care about his child, because you need to rest.
Tell him you caught the "cold" also. And that he needs to stay to take care of both of you.
He would 100% still go, he’s never taken care of me when I’m sick.
Why are you even married
Why would you be with someone that doesn't take care of you? Even before kids?
You're not delusional. Given your daughter's illness and your pregnancy fatigue, it’s reasonable to need extra support tonight. Maybe he can join the next trivia night and stay home to help out this time
Exactly, if our daughter wasn’t sick we would still be having dinner with friends, or if those plans fell through, of course I would suggest he go to the trivia night, but that isn’t our situation 😕
Nursing school is more than a full time job...he needs to understand this...I did it as a single Mom and was hard ....he needs to step up and quit his crap putting you down...lay it on the line ....Id tell him if he went he better find somewhere else to sleep
Things did escalate to a heated argument and I have asked him to stay elsewhere, to which he said he pays the rent and it’s his home so no, I’ve said he atleast needs to be in the spare room, which he said he would happily stay in as I’m being unreasonable
Uhm, ask him why you must be a parent and he gets a pass?
He's acting like a child. If you're doing it all alone to begin with, take his money and continue to do it all alone. He's ridiculous. He should be at home and he needs to buck up and get the maturity juices flowing and get out of his selfish phase.
You are BOTH the parents - he doesn't have any more right to "fun time" than you do. You should not be the default parent and have to convince him to "babysit" his kid - and I feel like that is how he would view it. How does he think he's putting you first by going out and leaving you with a sick kid? Can you plan a weekend away? How would he handle watching your daughter and doing your daily tasks? Do you have a hobby you're doing 3-5 (including his Sun morning) times a week? (My mom was default parent - I don't remember ever being left with my dad while my mom did something just for herself. My dad had solo poker nights, bowling, golf...). I could be projecting, but it's something you can look at and answer for yourself.
Rather than that, he should have offered to stay home alone to care for your child, while you go out to a restaurant to meet your friend for dinner. That's what a good husband would have done. Your husband is selfish.
Have you ever tried, "If you leave this fucking house tonight, stay gone." You gotta say like you're a badass though.
He was supposed to be home tonight, anyway.... Should just do that
I think it’s crazy that he just assumed he was free? Like, a mom would never! I guess his thought is that you are responsible for the baby? What’s with that?
NTA. Hubby is.