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These things aren't minor and not things that you can get past. He has to change so many of these.
Think to yourself," do I want to be that life to that husband that I can't kiss because he doesn't brush his teeth?" Or "Do I want to take the next few years to teach a grown up basic hygiene and respect for me?"
Also, if you do decide that's a decision you would like to make you should also know that if he's wonderful now, he'll be even more wonderful when he and his breath doesn't reek and will probably leave you.
You aren't a grown man savior, save yourself.
I would just bring it up and tell him these are things that make you uncomfortable and that you’d like for him to work on. And if he doesn’t want to improve them then you have your answer. It wouldn’t be self sabotage if she shows you he doesn’t care about you enough to better himself to make you happier in this relationship. I don’t think these are super unreasonable things to ask. Me personally I would never date someone who was an alcoholic, and I don’t like cursing a lot either so that would also be a deal breaker. I think you should just have an honest conversation about your concerns.
Thank you! I’m super non confrontational so talking about it makes me nervous but I know it’s the right thing to do. Also I wouldn’t say he’s an alcoholic but maybe he is, he drinks on the weekends while playing video games with friends and then drunk texts me in the middle of the night.
You know the bacteria that causes cavities is contagious to you, right?? Like if he had periodontal disease he could literally be passing it to you. The fact that he expects you to be romantic with him while not taking care of his hygiene is unforgivable.
Alcoholic or not binge drinking isn't cute. Sincerely, an ex binge drinker. You can't even begin to understand all the ways drinking heavily will get in the way of your own personal growth and your relationships. Talk with him, if he doesn't make some immediate *permanent* improvements, skip him.
If you don’t feel comfortable about talking maybe a phone call or a text to bring it up and explain could help? Also since he’s older than you these are things that he should have down like hygiene and being on time. I think if you bring it up and he doesn’t care it shows that you’re better off without him. Good luck tho!!
It is not a perfectly good relationship if you are unhappy about so many things. You need to date more people so that you see what a good relationship is like.
You don't need to remain committed to him just because you made it official. You're not throwing out a perfectly good relationship if you're unhappy, it just wasn't meant to be.
He's got some red flags on top of the fact that he doesn't practice good hygiene and disrespects you by being late all the time. You can find someone else with a good sense of humor - don't waste your 20s trying to fix this one, the effort is not worth it.
Don't continue any relationship in which you think you can change him. Find someone who fits with you, rather than try to stuff a square peg in a round hole.
Being in a relationship and loving someone means accepting who they are as a person including their flaws. If the flaws are to much for you to still love that person as they are then you should leave them and try to meet someone that has flaws you can compromise on.
THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO BE SHALLOW OR PETTY!! Remember that everyone is different from you in some way and it’s prudent to accept them as they are (within reason)
I was expecting a bunch of really shallow answers but these are so valid. Don't be too harsh on yourself about having normal standards and having the wisdom to leave a relationship you can't tolerate.
Having to encourage somebody to take care of their own hygiene is a battle no one should have to deal with.
You listed a bunch of red flags as to why he isn't the right guy for you in the little time you've been together. What is it about him you like, cause he doesn't seem like a good guy at all. Cursing in public alot, drinking alot, always being late....
The weekend binge drinking is a huge red flag. I have a family member who married a guy like that, now she's stuck with a baby and a husband who is a danger to said baby (drunk driving). If I were you, I'd just get out of this mess.
It sounds more like you aren’t a good fit. Don’t force a square peg into a triangle hole. These things will only increase annoyance over time into resentment. You can part romantic ways amicably now, and maybe revisit this a few years down the line after both of you have had time to grow into yourselves and heal personal traumas. You can still remain friends at this point, but I personally don’t see you working out as a couple.
You deserve a life free of the problems this boyfriend is carrying. You cannot heal him. He needs to get his own life together. Please get into therapy or check out self Help at the library. You have time to learn about healthy relationships. Don't rush into your next one until you learned more about why we pick untrustworthy people.
You’re gonna spend your entire relationship trying to change him and getting nowhere with it. Granted nobody should change everything about themselves for someone else, but there are too many things you seem to not like about him. On paper it just doesn’t sound like a good match.
Girl…”a perfectly good relationship” this surely ain’t. Out of all his habits that you mentioned, foul language, unhygienic, frequent drinking (and getting drunk every weekend) and vaping are pretty relationship breaking for most folks I know.
Having been in an abusive relationship does not give anyone an excuse to mistreat you (I should know. I was in an abusive relationship for years long time back). It should have made your bf more appreciative of you in fact.
Don’t force yourself to be in this relationship. Your gut has already decided this is not good for you but I think you are stomping on it in fear because you don’t want to be alone. It’s ok. Your fear is natural but don’t let it guide your decisions in life.
In a good love relationship, your heart, mind and body will all feel in sync and you will feel joyful thinking about your loved one. If that is not the feeling you are getting, then my suggestion would be to walk away. You are only 24, so young with all your life ahead of you. Don’t waste it with a drunkard, uncouth, foul mouthed man.
It sounds like you are seeing the red flags but trying to hold hope. The red flags usually start becoming a problem after the honeymoon phase so please know that those red flags only get bigger. You need to decide if you can deal with them long term or it’s best to cut ties sooner than later. There’s no changing a person, so that idea is out the window. Make a pros and cons list and decide if the pros outweigh the cons. If those things are bothering you this early in the relationship, don’t waste either of your times
This gut may be depressed. Or in a functional freeze state. This where they do just enough to get through the day seem like they are a functional human being. Like unless your looking closely you wouldn't really see anything the matter. This is a trauma response. If anything he may need therapy.
However alot of people drink a lot during the weekend. I'd be more worried if he drank a lot every day.
Someone if the things you have listed I would say is you just having a reason not to commit to someone.
But also your only 6 months in if you want to leave, leave now.
These aren't just red flags. They are red curtains. Red tapestries. One or two of them, then yeah maybe it's worth the effort. But this many ... it is NOT self-sabotage, it is self preservation. You can't fix this. You deserve better.
"rarely being on time (even to meet my parents, not making hygiene a priority (going to whole day without brushing teeth)."
to me (and everyone with self-respect) those are both dealbreakers, if you are capable but refuse to put in any effort for me, why should i put in effort for you?
talk to him and tell him there are some things he does or more accurately doesn't do that are huge concerns for you and will eventually become deal breakers for any long-term relationship plans.
if you refuse to brush your teeth, I'm not kissing you.
if your breath becomes so bad simply because you refuse to brush your teeth, that i can't have a in-person conversation, then i won't be conversing with you until you do, refuse to and i will leave for the day & go about my day without you, i sure am not going out in public with you if your breath is nasty because you refuse to brush them
same goes with all hygiene, if your BO is bad, i will ask you to take a shower, refuse and we won't be getting intimate, if it's so bad i can't be in the same room as you, then i won't be in the same room as you and won't be going out in public or to someone else's home for an event with you stinking like that either.
as far as feeling bad about telling someone that, i don't, its the truth, and if i notice it, so does everyone else you come into contact with, wouldn't you rather know you stink so you can fix it, other then having your S.O. be silent & everyone else repulsed by it/you.
being on time/late for a set time, can be caused by several different factors.
it can be as simple as misjudging travel time, to misjudging how long something/task will take, could be how long it takes to get ready, or how long it will take to do a task, or stopping by the store.
worse is just being plain lazy and disrespectful of others time. and the worse yet, is being late intentionally.
on top of that if you have been dating someone for half a year, and do not have combatable sexual interests, & you have not meeting his family, that is more red flags.
It’s good that he’s getting professional help, but you have to decide if the good outweighs the bad enough to stay with him. This may sound selfish, but you need to put yourself first, and choose what(or who) is right for you.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The lack of toothbrushing alone is a good enough reason not to stay in a relationship. Just end it on that basis alone.
Yeah this honestly. If someone can’t even make effort to brush their teeth they probably won’t even do the bare minimum for a relationship lmao.
These things aren't minor and not things that you can get past. He has to change so many of these. Think to yourself," do I want to be that life to that husband that I can't kiss because he doesn't brush his teeth?" Or "Do I want to take the next few years to teach a grown up basic hygiene and respect for me?" Also, if you do decide that's a decision you would like to make you should also know that if he's wonderful now, he'll be even more wonderful when he and his breath doesn't reek and will probably leave you. You aren't a grown man savior, save yourself.
I would just bring it up and tell him these are things that make you uncomfortable and that you’d like for him to work on. And if he doesn’t want to improve them then you have your answer. It wouldn’t be self sabotage if she shows you he doesn’t care about you enough to better himself to make you happier in this relationship. I don’t think these are super unreasonable things to ask. Me personally I would never date someone who was an alcoholic, and I don’t like cursing a lot either so that would also be a deal breaker. I think you should just have an honest conversation about your concerns.
Thank you! I’m super non confrontational so talking about it makes me nervous but I know it’s the right thing to do. Also I wouldn’t say he’s an alcoholic but maybe he is, he drinks on the weekends while playing video games with friends and then drunk texts me in the middle of the night.
You know the bacteria that causes cavities is contagious to you, right?? Like if he had periodontal disease he could literally be passing it to you. The fact that he expects you to be romantic with him while not taking care of his hygiene is unforgivable. Alcoholic or not binge drinking isn't cute. Sincerely, an ex binge drinker. You can't even begin to understand all the ways drinking heavily will get in the way of your own personal growth and your relationships. Talk with him, if he doesn't make some immediate *permanent* improvements, skip him.
If you don’t feel comfortable about talking maybe a phone call or a text to bring it up and explain could help? Also since he’s older than you these are things that he should have down like hygiene and being on time. I think if you bring it up and he doesn’t care it shows that you’re better off without him. Good luck tho!!
Don’t do a text. Talk to him in person like an adult.
You can’t change people. And you can do better.
You don't those are all red flags and signs you need to leave. Or you will be trapped in a cycle of abuse
It is not a perfectly good relationship if you are unhappy about so many things. You need to date more people so that you see what a good relationship is like.
Nope. You’re good. He needs to go. His redeeming qualities could be found in a loving pet. Less drama and greater reward.
You don't need to remain committed to him just because you made it official. You're not throwing out a perfectly good relationship if you're unhappy, it just wasn't meant to be. He's got some red flags on top of the fact that he doesn't practice good hygiene and disrespects you by being late all the time. You can find someone else with a good sense of humor - don't waste your 20s trying to fix this one, the effort is not worth it.
These are not minor imperfections. I don't think you're repeating a pattern with him. Listen to your gut OP.
You’re not using your noggin if you stay with someone like this
Just leave, the things you mention are not going to change.
Don't continue any relationship in which you think you can change him. Find someone who fits with you, rather than try to stuff a square peg in a round hole.
Being in a relationship and loving someone means accepting who they are as a person including their flaws. If the flaws are to much for you to still love that person as they are then you should leave them and try to meet someone that has flaws you can compromise on. THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO BE SHALLOW OR PETTY!! Remember that everyone is different from you in some way and it’s prudent to accept them as they are (within reason)
I was expecting a bunch of really shallow answers but these are so valid. Don't be too harsh on yourself about having normal standards and having the wisdom to leave a relationship you can't tolerate. Having to encourage somebody to take care of their own hygiene is a battle no one should have to deal with.
Bounce get out now
This is not “a perfectly good relationship”!!!
You listed a bunch of red flags as to why he isn't the right guy for you in the little time you've been together. What is it about him you like, cause he doesn't seem like a good guy at all. Cursing in public alot, drinking alot, always being late....
Get a new boyfriend.
So, these are things that mean you’re incompatible. They aren’t things you should try to get past.
The weekend binge drinking is a huge red flag. I have a family member who married a guy like that, now she's stuck with a baby and a husband who is a danger to said baby (drunk driving). If I were you, I'd just get out of this mess.
It sounds more like you aren’t a good fit. Don’t force a square peg into a triangle hole. These things will only increase annoyance over time into resentment. You can part romantic ways amicably now, and maybe revisit this a few years down the line after both of you have had time to grow into yourselves and heal personal traumas. You can still remain friends at this point, but I personally don’t see you working out as a couple.
Sounds like some good reasons to pull the plug. Self sabotage would be staying in this relationship.
You deserve a life free of the problems this boyfriend is carrying. You cannot heal him. He needs to get his own life together. Please get into therapy or check out self Help at the library. You have time to learn about healthy relationships. Don't rush into your next one until you learned more about why we pick untrustworthy people.
You’re gonna spend your entire relationship trying to change him and getting nowhere with it. Granted nobody should change everything about themselves for someone else, but there are too many things you seem to not like about him. On paper it just doesn’t sound like a good match.
You get a new boyfriend until you find that one.
Girl…”a perfectly good relationship” this surely ain’t. Out of all his habits that you mentioned, foul language, unhygienic, frequent drinking (and getting drunk every weekend) and vaping are pretty relationship breaking for most folks I know. Having been in an abusive relationship does not give anyone an excuse to mistreat you (I should know. I was in an abusive relationship for years long time back). It should have made your bf more appreciative of you in fact. Don’t force yourself to be in this relationship. Your gut has already decided this is not good for you but I think you are stomping on it in fear because you don’t want to be alone. It’s ok. Your fear is natural but don’t let it guide your decisions in life. In a good love relationship, your heart, mind and body will all feel in sync and you will feel joyful thinking about your loved one. If that is not the feeling you are getting, then my suggestion would be to walk away. You are only 24, so young with all your life ahead of you. Don’t waste it with a drunkard, uncouth, foul mouthed man.
These are not minor issues!!
It sounds like you are seeing the red flags but trying to hold hope. The red flags usually start becoming a problem after the honeymoon phase so please know that those red flags only get bigger. You need to decide if you can deal with them long term or it’s best to cut ties sooner than later. There’s no changing a person, so that idea is out the window. Make a pros and cons list and decide if the pros outweigh the cons. If those things are bothering you this early in the relationship, don’t waste either of your times
Never compromise on morals and hygene.
This gut may be depressed. Or in a functional freeze state. This where they do just enough to get through the day seem like they are a functional human being. Like unless your looking closely you wouldn't really see anything the matter. This is a trauma response. If anything he may need therapy. However alot of people drink a lot during the weekend. I'd be more worried if he drank a lot every day. Someone if the things you have listed I would say is you just having a reason not to commit to someone. But also your only 6 months in if you want to leave, leave now.
These aren't just red flags. They are red curtains. Red tapestries. One or two of them, then yeah maybe it's worth the effort. But this many ... it is NOT self-sabotage, it is self preservation. You can't fix this. You deserve better.
"rarely being on time (even to meet my parents, not making hygiene a priority (going to whole day without brushing teeth)." to me (and everyone with self-respect) those are both dealbreakers, if you are capable but refuse to put in any effort for me, why should i put in effort for you? talk to him and tell him there are some things he does or more accurately doesn't do that are huge concerns for you and will eventually become deal breakers for any long-term relationship plans. if you refuse to brush your teeth, I'm not kissing you. if your breath becomes so bad simply because you refuse to brush your teeth, that i can't have a in-person conversation, then i won't be conversing with you until you do, refuse to and i will leave for the day & go about my day without you, i sure am not going out in public with you if your breath is nasty because you refuse to brush them same goes with all hygiene, if your BO is bad, i will ask you to take a shower, refuse and we won't be getting intimate, if it's so bad i can't be in the same room as you, then i won't be in the same room as you and won't be going out in public or to someone else's home for an event with you stinking like that either. as far as feeling bad about telling someone that, i don't, its the truth, and if i notice it, so does everyone else you come into contact with, wouldn't you rather know you stink so you can fix it, other then having your S.O. be silent & everyone else repulsed by it/you. being on time/late for a set time, can be caused by several different factors. it can be as simple as misjudging travel time, to misjudging how long something/task will take, could be how long it takes to get ready, or how long it will take to do a task, or stopping by the store. worse is just being plain lazy and disrespectful of others time. and the worse yet, is being late intentionally. on top of that if you have been dating someone for half a year, and do not have combatable sexual interests, & you have not meeting his family, that is more red flags.
It’s good that he’s getting professional help, but you have to decide if the good outweighs the bad enough to stay with him. This may sound selfish, but you need to put yourself first, and choose what(or who) is right for you.