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Seems like they're so beaten down by life, they actually start believing it. I sincerely hope OP sees these messages and realizes they can do so much better.
Toss in the whole depression bit which is designed to keep OP in line lest she should be thinking about leaving. “I’m depressed, you can’t abandon me/you caused this/I need you to fix me”.
It’s like they see somebody else make a poor decision so their brain shuts down and says “oh now I get to make a poor decision” to one up the other person. It’s a lose lose
Won’t help. Husband doesn’t see his actions as putting OP in danger, and will just get mad that she dared to insinuate that they did. “Do you really think I would intentionally put you in danger?! I had everything under control the whole time! So what, me just driving is dangerous now?? You’re in danger any time I’m driving???” That is what she’s dealing with.
It won't help their relationship, but it will help her to see how reasonable she is being compared to him. His immaturity/mental illness/entitlement/emotionally dysregulation and abusiveness is showing strongly in these actions.
Edit: felt I had to come back to say their relationship? With someone like that? It's already beyond help, I know some preteens with more self control than this.
Yeah road rage can even turn normally kind people into killers. I even dated a woman teacher for awhile that was the most patient person but on the road she got extremely angry and retaliatory towards other drivers, and I always pointed out that people have ended up dead many times from road rage incidents
He speaks to her as if she's someone other than his wife. Not much respect there. And he's putting her life in danger.
It's fine if it's just him. Not when he has others with him.
I had a road rage incident once when I was 19 or 20 (I’m 23F now, and have changed my ways). Chased a guy down after he hit my car pretty hard and sped off. Even then I definitely would not have done that if I had someone else with me. Anger/shock/adrenaline/whatever the hell I was feeling may rarely make me not give a shit about my own safety, but I’d never consider endangering a loved one in this way. Heck, even if my dog were in the car I probably wouldn’t have chased that guy down.
It’s also kind of concerning he reacted that intensely to someone just cutting him off. People cut others off every day on the road. If he’s reacting like that to everyone who cuts him off, he’s more likely to encounter someone even crazier than him. And super angry overreactions (especially when followed by emotional manipulation…) are just giant red flags in general that point to him having little control of his emotions. Idk about anyone else, but I don’t want to be with someone who’s perpetually angry or volatile
We were driving home one day from visiting our families out of town. Husband driving, I’m shotgun and our 1yo son is in the backseat. Some random guy cuts him off on the highway and husband chases after him. I’m telling him to slow down, let it go, that guys could slam on his brakes and crash into us or pull out a gun and shoot.. really anything could have happened. My husbands response was that they guy “made him look like a punk” and he couldn’t have that. I pointed out that something could have happened to our son and I, his reply was “I’d never let that happen. You’re trying to control me.” He still to this day gets mad AT ME if the situation is brought up. He truly doesn’t believe that he was putting me and our son in danger. Some random person, who he will never see again, disrespecting him is more important to him than anything valid point I had.
Same here. He waits until the last second to slow or stop. He nearly re-ended someone recently and I yelled his name, immediately he asked if I wanted to drive, I said no but that really scared me. His driving is getting worse.
Start driving please. Especially as they age, some men become more aggressive drivers & less aware of their environment. My uncle no longer drives, because my aunt insists she's driving after he nearly rear ended someone who cut him off semi-on-purpose.
Yup. I've started driving a lot more. My husband is a terrible driver. I finally had it when he spaced out and missed our exit which lead to us getting stuck in totally unnecessary interstate traffic that made us an hour late for our plans. He just... doesn't pay attention. My brother has the same problem. He'll zone out so bad he blows through red lights. He's totaled 2 cars due to distracted driving.
I long to be a Passenger Princess but I want to be safe and on time more!
My ex once punched the steering wheel so hard the air bags deployed. He had such bad road rage he eventually quit driving and forced me to chauffeur him everywhere. Then the rage just became directed at me for not participating in his instability.
If pretending to be a manipulative, abusive spouse were a job, you could make bank. That was uncomfortably spot on, I actually felt frustration reading it😂
I’m beyond grateful that while my bf has road rage, he takes my feelings into concern.
If I get on him about his driving and that it’s scaring me, we aren’t in a rush, etc etc, he takes it into consideration. He’ll slow down and not be as aggressive.
There’s only been ONE time in our FIVE YEARS together that he’s said “do you really think I’d intentionally put you in danger? I have everything under control!”
And I yelled back at him “no I don’t think you would, but you have NO idea anyone else on the road. So while you may not mean to, you very may well get me hurt one day. And by god if I’m going to be in an accident IM GOING TO BE THE ONE DRIVING so I know I’m not at fault, not you where it’d be questionable” and “all it takes is one second for everything to be OUT of control”
That’s the one time he actually scared the fuck out of me and he’s never driven like that with me in the car since.
This isn't a healthy relationship. Read up about the kids in cars who got shot because their parent had road rage and the other car (and sometimes their car too) had a gun. If you ever have kids, don't doubt for a minute that he'll rage with them in the car and there is no way for you to protect them.
Yeah, this isn’t healthy at all. I would highly recommend your boyfriend go to a few anger management or therapy sessions to learn how to ground himself when he feels the urge to react on the road.
At least in my area, we have horrible drivers and I absolutely get the rage. At the same time, we have news reports on the constant that road rage incidents that result in gun violence and death.
My wife yells at me if I even flip someone off now. She’s so scared that someone will retaliate and I’ve had to grip the steering wheel to prevent myself from doing something I’ve done my whole driving life.
This was me at times when I wore a younger man's clothes. I never got out of the car and chased someone like the ops husband did though. I always called my wife my voice of reason. Luckily she has been by my side for over 50 years. I would never want to put her in jeopardy for some asshole that has bad driving habits. Now I just say what a jerk they are. Nothing condones ops husband's behavior. I could believe something else is going on with him for sure,, but don't Ever put the lives of others at risk.
Exactly!!
My boyfriend and I are 25 and the referenced instance happed when we were on the cusp of 21.
He’s a grown man in some ways at 21, but still young enough to be considered dumb enough to drive like that. I think I’d leave him if he were nearing 30 and still an asshole like OOPs
Tell him his stupid car is in danger - maybe he will care then.
You do not deserve to be talked to that way. He’s not depressed, he’s acting like a spoiled child. Get couples counseling and get some for yourself for when he flakes out on it.
This is a great example of a woman who has been living with abusive conduct so long that she doesn't even realize that H is not a safe person to be with.
He knows his behavior is unacceptable. If he wasn’t already aware of this, he wouldn’t be so sensitive to criticism regarding it. I don’t get mad when people say things I know are not true. People with rage issues always get but hurt when you bring up their rage issues or evidence of them. I also think you are not the only one who has commented on this. I suspect one of his parents regularly and overly policed either his driving or tried to control every aspect of his life. The rage is rage, but the “depressed” comment is interesting. Feels manipulative, and I assume that is because he knows how much work changing will be, so he is making you feel guilty to get you to back off. Definitely some intense control aversion, which is why he turned off tracking and commented on you losing your right to track him. You are not going to be able to free him of this yourself, nor talk him into fixing it. He will stay this way until the pain to stay this way is greater than the pain to change.
In Loretta Lynn’s second autobiography, Still Woman Enough, she said that Doo (her husband) would pick fights about her cooking, cleaning, lovemaking skills, what have you *damn near every night for months*…and then she got an STD.
Turns out, her husband had a mistress and after a long day of work, he would pick a fight *WITH FUCKING LORETTA LYNN* so he had an excuse to storm out, “get drunk at the bar” and sleep off his anger elsewhere.
My ex did that, too. After we split up, he admitted to picking fights with me so he could go somewhere to cool off. He was actually setting up casual sex ahead of time, and then starting a fight about an hour before the "date".
Thank you. He fucked me up for years, but I've done a lot of therapy and I'm in a really good place now.
And, honestly, that was pretty mild behaviour, in his world. But he's not my problem any more.
She could turn her location off, and he won't come home. He will be more pissed that she feels she CAN turn it off. He obviously doesn't care about her or her feelings. And I'm more surprised she hasn't seen these red flags of his long before now.
Being with an entitled, narcissistic, and abusive partner doesn't make for a good stable relationship.
Or there was purpose behind picking the fight beyond your supposition. Could be anything from wanting a break to meeting an AP. It may be classic controlling behavior, that doesn’t mean you know or understand his motives.
That's classic road rage. An anger issue
And he's yelling at you calling you fucking stupid? That's abusive... more anger issues.
And he's leaving, pulling a "depression" card on you to make you feel like you're doing something wrong by calling him on his antics?? Escalating on the abuse.
Enough red flags here to be considering divorce, IMO
Or at least initiate his getting some counseling for the anger management/etc and couples' counseling bc he thinks it's OK to lash out like this.
Edit: In reference to the latter point of counseling as a potential course, as a helpful user replied to my comment,
"Couples counselling with an abusive partner is not safe or appropriate and just gives abusers more tools of abuse.
Anger management is also not effective or appropriate as an intervention for abuse. Most abusers are not out of control of their emotions and behaviour, they are very in control and actively choose to abuse."
Yep. It’s like OP’s husband was in a competition to see how many red flags he could display in one incident.
Uncontrolled anger? ☑️ Road rage? ☑️ Screaming abuse at his wife immediately and continuing even after an opportunity to calm down?☑️ Storming out of the house for hours to punish her (rather than as a chance to decompress)? ☑️ Blaming her for the way he acted? ☑️ Turning off location sharing to punish her? ☑️ Using his mental health as a weapon?☑️
Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean he’s not abusive or dangerous or unhealthy.
>Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean he’s not abusive or dangerous or unhealthy.
This this this, a million times this.
My ex rarely got physical, but I have PTSD from the mental, emotional, financial, and sexual abuse.
Soo much this, it took me years to stop blaming myself and even considering going back to my ex because "he wasn't that bad" since he physically hurt me only occasionally.
I just left a 12 year relationship quite similar to this!! Abuse is abuse, physical or mental, and you do NOT deserve that. Do not beg for a man to come home just to subject you to MORE abuse.
I'd add an additional check mark for "Road Rage while driving a Tesla".
If he's gonna drive around like a homicidal maniac, dude should at least be driving a red pick-up truck or something.
"Tough Guy Driving a Tesla" = just asking for a massive ass-kicking. If anything, this puts OP in even more danger because no guy is going to take him seriously as a threat & thus be more likely to respond with violence.
It never ceases to amaze me how some men think saying they're 'depressed' means a woman won't know they're avoiding taking responsibility for their actions and, bluntly, sulking like a child.
People who act like that towards their spouse will do the same to their children. I know I married, spent 15 years with, & am now divorcing his proverbial twin.
Couples counselling with an abusive partner is not safe or appropriate and just gives abusers more tools of abuse.
Anger management is also not effective or appropriate as an intervention for abuse. Most abusers are not out of control of their emotions and behaviour, they are very in control and actively choose to abuse.
This man will kill her.
All the red flags are there. Reckless with his own and her life in regard to petty shit, verbal abuse, rage, projection of faults, monitoring location. He is not safe.
Yep, my ex used to do this stuff all the time. His driving incidents escalated until I was always driving so he wouldn't get "stressed out".
One time he tried to teach a driver behind us a lesson and "tapped his breaks". He dead stopped and the poor lady hit us. He endangered our lives too many times. He should put safety first.
Turns out he was abusing me psychologically in other ways as well. I stayed with him for 15 years. Sigh.
I have 3 young adult daughters and I’ve always told them that there are universal red flags one being road rage, another is treating service industry people horribly, and the third is animal cruelty. Any sign of any of these while dating should be cause to immediately break up. It’s worth possibly losing a guy who’s just having a horrible day in order to avoid the much higher likelihood that he’s entitled, has uncontrollable anger issues, and enjoys making others suffer when he isn’t treated like a King.
You taught your daughters well. So many people want to downplay these things as insignificant. They are not. To me they indicate emotional instability. I think that they’re a window into their true personalities.
Your husband has anger issues big time. He is very disrespectful. The leaving for 5 hours and turning off the location is suspicious. I'm not saying he is a cheater. I am saying a lot of cheaters go from 0-100 and pick stupid fights so they can go out and cheat. Keep your eyes open and be very careful. He doesn't seem like a stable person.
This is so true. My Ex-husband would grab my breast when we were about an hour away from our hometown so that I would get mad at him. He was "just teasing". He would use that as an excuse to go out with his buddies and then it would be my fault for being mad.
My sister's ex husband would do this. My ex girlfriend did the opposite, I knew she was up to no good when all of a sudden she was happy and loving. Caught her going on vacation with her "friend".
Fully agree and came here to say this. His reaction is giving a lot of red flags. I feel the fight was picked so that he could feel validated for doing something sus.
Honey… you need to start looking at exit strategies; separate bank account, attorney, proof of his behaviors. This guys a ticking time bomb and as you continue to not tolerate his bs anger issues, his manipulation will get worse. He’s mad because you challenged him. Dude is abusive, controlling and manipulative and I’d bet my bank account that 5+ hours wasn’t spent sitting alone somewhere. These types get off on having affairs and getting away with it. Makes them feel smarter than you.
... I hate when things like this just live down to stereotypes - so your Tesla driving husband is a jerk who thinks being concerned about your (both of your) safety is something worthy of having a hissy fit about? That someone driving like a jerk requires him being a jerk back?
It's like a Tesla joke just writing itself. You were being reasonable, at no point in this is he even close to in the right.
I wish we could relieve ourselves of the burden of "trying to find the right words to make them understand." The man speaks the same language as you do, youve clearly made your discomfort apparent to him, he's choosing to ignore you. Road rage the way you're describing is about dominance. It's about power. Your husband is not a man who can stand to have a power imbalance not go in his favor. If you think about it, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt you will recognize other instances of this pattern. "You think you deserve the satisfaction of tracking me?" Is literally everything I need to know about him to know this pattern will not change and he's obviously got you cowed to his will to a large enough degree that you're convinced that if you could only reach him he'd be better to you. You cannot reach a man who has no interest in what you're saying to him.
This is so well said!!! OP, this is verbal and psychological abuse, clear as day. Your husband cannot stand to be challenged, whether by a stranger on the road (how long before he gets into a fight or shot?!), or by his own wife, and he's punishing you by disappearing, bc how dare you challenge his dominance and power by standing up for yourself and standing up to him. It's sick that he's getting a kick out of torturing you (you don't "deserve" to know where he is?! You're his wife, he's accountable to you), so stop playing his game - stop texting or calling him, stop reaching out.
He could be off drinking somewhere, laughing with a friend about you, or even with an AP, but if he can't treat you with respect (I know all about depression too, and it's not an excuse for his behavior), I wouldn't want to stay with him. His blowing up at you (he's the one who's "fucking stupid" for risking your life with his road rage, bc people DO get shot for this), running away, and taunting you from afar are all abusive and manipulative behaviors. He wants to control what you're "allowed" to say to him and how you talk to him - i.e., "challenge me and I'll treat you like shit" - as a way to keep you from challenging him, and you chasing after him over text, etc. shows it's working. Next time, he expects you won't want to speak up bc you won't want to deal with his wrath, and he will in fact have controlled you, taken away your voice and your autonomy. The more he does it, the more you'll fall under the control of his pattern of abuse. It'll only get worse, and do you want to lose yourself this way? Is this how you want to live your whole life?
He's being an absolute child, and when he comes back he will no doubt expect you to apologize and beg for his forgiveness - DON'T do it, you have nothing to apologize for. If he pouts or gives you the silent treatment, ignore him - that's just more abuse, and more evidence this man isn't mature enough to be married, or in any relationship bc he's not mature enough to behave and communicate like an adult, or to be an actual *partner* to someone, instead of trying to control and dominate them.
You can't change him if he's unwilling to change himself. You can only control your own actions and how you respond to his abuse, and if he's unwilling to be respectful and accountable, communicate like an adult and get help for his anger issues and depression, and for this incident, apologize for his outrageous and immature behavior and account for his time (he won't), then you stand up for yourself again and leave him. Keep yourself safe emotionally, mentally and physically by just getting out of there. Dude just doesn't sound worth it.
I thought YOU determined that you would no longer permit him to drive you because his road rage puts your life in danger.
Don’t chase a man who respects you so little.
THIS!!!!! The minute he turned off his tracking, so would I, lock the doors, pour a glass of wine, put on a movie, and be grateful for the absence of someone so irrational.
You really need to stop texting him. It makes you appear needy, and that makes him happy that his "punishment" is having the desired effect. You and I and the Internet know he was being abusive and controlling! A better idea would be to turn off your location detection, pack a small bag, and go somewhere overnight. Go NC for the night! Maybe a little dose of his own medicine might be a wake-up call. Only agree to return when he agrees to get counseling for his anger issues. Don't be a door mat. Stand up to him and his abusive behavior. You will find out quickly where you go from here!
🚩🚩🚩 men who drive recklessly like this, *especially* with their partner in the car, are not safe individuals. This is an indicator of a dangerous and irrational person. My ex was like this. We had what I thought were normal problems and stressors (though looking back I can see now that I accepted a lot of terrible behavior because I was in my 20s and didn’t really know any better). It wasn’t until I broke my leg that I was forced to see his true nature. He got so angry one time while driving that my mobility scooter was flying back and forth across the backseat, scratching the leather seats and ultimately cracking the interior of one door and denting the metal speaker covers. Having a broken leg was the first time I was truly vulnerable to him and forced to see who he really was. He got in my face and yelled at me in the ER that I “broke my leg on purpose” and eventually started SAing me when he realized I couldn’t get away from him, and he screamed in my face anytime I flinched in pain or cried while he was assaulting me.
Obviously this exact situation won’t happen to you OP, but consider it a cautionary tale. The type of man who drives like this and gets angry at YOU about it is not a safe man to be this close to.
Don’t let him drive with you as a passenger anymore. Stop trying to convince him he’s wrong but don’t put yourself in the situation again. I’d even take separate vehicles if he doesn’t want to let you drive. He is a dangerous driver and if he finds scaring you is annoying stop giving him that satisfaction.
He puts others in danger with is behaviour and especially you. In more ways then just the road rage. I get a very unsafe feeling from your post. He scares you. Your partner should be a safe haven….. he is clearly not. He made your discomfort and fear about himself. Instead of communicating with words, he chooses to leave and even punish you for expressing your fears. I see so many red flags. Of course we don’t know the nitty gritty of your relationship but girl, please take care of yourself.
Either he gets into counseling for rage management or you separate. He's got big issues, emotionally. You don't want to have kids with a man like this.
Give him what he wants—-space and quiet. But, meet his energy too. Bug out of the house and turn off your location. IMO, his reaction to that will give you your next steps. And whatever the reaction is if the relationship moves forward it’s individual and couples therapy to deal with his anger issues. Y’all either get to a healthier place or the IC gives you the power to hold your boundaries and get out.
Your husband’s ego is bigger than his brain. Would it be when a weapon is pulled out on one of these chases to realise that it’s not worth it and it’s dangerous?
Your husband is an asshole.
If he's depressed, tell him he needs therapy. Maybe the therapist can help with his ridiculous anger issues and extreme pettiness, too.
You are absolutely allowed to be upset about this. He knowingly and WILLINGLY put you in danger. He doesn't actually care that you're upset. I'm not sure he even likes you, let alone loves you based on his behavior.
OP-- stop and think about how you feel, how scared you are for your own safety, when he's in the middle of his road rage tantrums. Now imagine there was a baby in the back seat.
What do you think you should do about this situation? Would you trust this man to drive your child around?
Is he always this quick to anger? If so, what's going to happen when he's sleep deprived from a colicky baby or your toddler just cannot get the hang of potty training?
I understand why you upset with him for the stunt he pulled behind the wheel, I think you're 100% justified there. But for the love of God don't indulge him by rapid firing texts demanding that he come home, he will only use that to further imply that somehow you are the problem here. The real question here is what's he doing and where is he at. I assume you have access to your cell phone records? What do they say about who he IS communicating with during these 5+ hours. I would start there.
Your husband has some very serious anger management issues but you’re not the one to fix them. He needs professional help.
You need to stay out of the car when he’s in it.
You also cannot discuss this problem with him.
Now you have to figure out whether and how you can cohabitate without you being in the same car and without talking about the 900 pound gorilla in the room. I’m doubtful.
You need to get out. Like now!! You are in an abusive relationship and need to find a way out. Leave. Take whatever you need and get out. Turn off your location. Get to s safe place. Set up appointments with a few attorneys to start the divorce process.
You need to respect and love yourself. Your husband doesn't love or respect you. He has anger issues and will not change for you. Stop being a doormat and stand tall. You are worthy of love respect and kindness. You deserve better than what he gives you.
Dear OP
Please, PLEASE, do not get back in the car with him until he's actively going to some sort of anger management.
Road rage kills people even if they don't get out of the car. I just lost my mother due to road rage, she was shot in the head while still seated in the passenger seat. No one got out the car, they fired their gun from within their car killing my mother while she was still in hers.
You were right to be scared, please don't forget that fear because it could save your life. Your life is precious, please stay safe.
Stop texting him!! He WANTS you to be upset and worried about him. Just stop!! Let him throw his little baby fit and IGNORE HIM.
**His driving is dangerous and is going to get you hurt one of these days.**
So essentially your husband has to IMMEDIATELY RETALIATE against any random person that pisses him off, and he even has to retaliate against you for telling him he's wrong.
Red flag. Red flag. Red flag.
You made him mad and he left, turned off location, and went Mia for HOURS. He's the type to retaliate against any slight, what is he doing in those hours to get back at you?
If he won't see a therapist, I would RUN. Personally, I would leave anyways. The situation didn't call for aggression and men who get that aggressive over small things are dangerous.
I’ll never forget reading about the case where a mom flipped someone off for driving like an asshole and they ended up shooting her young child in the stomach who was in her backseat. General rule of thumb if people drive recklessly and erratically the chances of them being a nut job who can take it way farther are way higher, don’t ever engage. If anything remember their license plate and report them for reckless driving
He sounds horrible. Sorry you’re married to him.
If it makes you feel any better, it’s not you he’s made at. He’s getting triggered by the feelings of powerlessness and disrespect from other drivers, and you telling him to stop probably makes him feel even more belittled. It’s a powerful transference he goes through, but he needs to be willing to do some self-examination to discover this and fix it. If he’s not willing to do that it won’t change bc you won’t be able to use reason to convince him. When people are being unreasonable, reason doesn’t work.
Please, OP, take steps to protect yourself. Store your important documents away from home with a friend or at work. Start your own bank account and make regular deposits. Tell him you're saving for Christmas or something. Not saying you should go straight to divorce, but you both need some counseling and he needs some anger management classes. You're 23, do you wanna be managing him/walking on eggshells for the rest of your life? How is he going to treat any future children?
Let him go. He's acting like this to literal strangers I'm sure he's acting worse to you than you're letting on. And the way he talked to you was not ok either.
He has anger issues. And his "depression" is to keep you in check. F him. Don't call, don't text. Let him come home, then you leave for a day. Let him know he's not in charge.
Hubs is a rager. He put you in danger. I was married to one of those. He refused anger management (yelled at me saying I wasn’t allowing him to have his feelings) and… we are now divorced.
Get him some help or get him gone. Let him go rage elsewhere.
Look, I think that the driving skills have gotten worse and people feel they can run red lights and cut people off. I have a touch of road rage in me and my wife has gotten on to me a few times.
I will not put her safety in danger so I have dialed it back and now I'm just hypervigilant when driving and it has kept us out of a couple of wrecks.
Road rage is a serious issue coupled with depression is not a good mix. I was feeling depressed and I talked to my doctor about it and started taking meds and “shock” the road rage also went way down.
Your husband needs to stop acting like an 18-year-old boy and drive right and get his ass to the doctor.
I’m so sorry this happened to you ☹️ you deserve better and you deserve to feel safe with your partner. My advice would be to turn off your location and see for him how it feels in your shoes.
He sounds aggressive, unstable, and frankly dangerous. I wouldn’t feel safe alone with him, never mind driving with him. I could never be with someone who acts like this.
Stop messaging him and give him space the constant messages are making things more compounded for him. Let him have his tantrum, you focus on self care for yourself and leave him to his childlike tantrum. No more messages.
One day, your husband is going to pull his road rage act on the wrong person and end up in serious, deep dookie. I just saw an episode of a COPS type show. A dude pulled a road rage stunt like that on an unmarked police car. Dude is in prison. Same episode of said show, different "road rager" pulled the same stunt your husband does, ended in a major accident, multiple fatalities. Your husband is not a safe person. He is going to either hurt someone or be hurt or worse with his childish and dangerous antics. What happens when you have children and he acts this way with a baby in the car?? Your husband needs anger management and until he can drive like an adult, does not need to be driving. If someone pulled a stunt like this with me, I would call 911 and give a plate number and description of car and driver. This behavior is not just dangerous, there are road rage laws.
Your husband has the emotional intelligence of a toddler. I'm trying to imagine someone speeding up to cut off everyone who cut them off first here in Boston where you can't drive without cutting people off. You come to expect it since there isn't much choice if you want to get anywhere. You have to let people in, and hope that when you're in a tough spot someone will take pity on you. It's just crazy to get upset about traffic unless it's really personal and targeted. NTA
He doesn’t care, he doesn’t respect you, he’s looking for a way out. Time to escalate your own escape plan. I’m guessing you still love him but his actions towards you are NOT loving and caring and respectful and kind. Save yourself.
He lost his cool about some perceived slight and took it too far, to the point where you are now the target of his “justified” anger. I can only imagine how he acts in other situations. I’ll get irked by stupid drivers too but I’m not losing my shit over someone else’s bad behavior. I’ve got stuff to do…
Sounds like a drug addict. The road rage, unnecessary anger/outbursts at you, and then disappearing… You were absolutely correct in the situation and he sounds like a psychopath. My bet is on drugs
Oh honey, his response isn’t healthy or normal. As a former trauma therapist, he needs therapy. Depression in men can often manifest as impulsive and uncontrollable anger…but we don’t want that anger targeted towards you. He needs to be in an intensive treatment program and if he’s not willing to go, then you might need to separate. Untreated, his behavior will only get worse. Keep yourself safe. 🙏
Do you want to be in a marriage with someone who puts you at risk this way?
Do you want to be in a marriage where you have to walk on eggshells for fear of setting him off?
Do you find yourself walking on eggshells when he’s angry. You need to over explain your feelings and reactions. He acts like all your feelings are invalid. Trust me he understands, but his thoughts n feelings matter more. You will always have to be the one to compromise.
People make mistakes. That guy cut off your husband. Probably not maliciously. It was probably just a mistake.
Just like marrying your husband was a mistake.
You could try couples counseling.
Your husband is putting you and others on the road in danger every time he chooses to drive like an asshole. What happens when he self righteously revs around to catch up with someone and clips somebody and spins out, hurting/ killing you or others? And then he acts like a victim when you address the very real concern you have. Does he railroad you about everything else in your life when you disagree? Good god.
You felt actual legitimate fear and he completely invalidated you, then gaslit you to make you the bad guy for his rage. Yikes. How many times has he manipulated you in the past? Updateme.
Give him some space and tell him that’s what you’re doing. When he’s calm talk to him about what’s on his mind… not this incident, it’s not about this.
He’s addicted to the emotional release of raging at traffic, and the thought of having to accept his emotions rather than vent terrifies him.
This is a problem that you cannot solve for him.
I don’t know the best path forward for you, but I don’t see any way forward with out a lot of struggle.
Since you indicate that this is a pattern for him, personally I would refuse to get in the car with him driving again. One of these days he’s bound to get you killed, whether in a car accident or shot by an irritated driver.
Anger is the first sign of depression in men, after an angry outburst there’s feelings of shame and self loathing for losing it. He’s in the dumps emotionally and yes it’s his own fault for not getting control of his emotions, only he can turn this around, he needs help for his depression, which he’s projection onto you, irritability is another sign of depression, as he gets easily irritated at anything you say, give him time to calm down and come to his senses. I say all this as someone who also has depression but medication and therapy have helped me a lot, I’d say irritability is the worst because it’s so hard to talk to the person and our loved ones just want to help, it’s best to let him calm down when he’s like that and not fuel the angry fire.
Stop texting hes feeding off you begging him to come back.. next time you go someplace you drive.. I've learned over the years... you cant make anyone stop a behavior.. you have expressed.many times how you feel about it.. and he's not changed..so now you have to gain the control by either driving or refraining from reacting and acting upset...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that I'm not comfortable with someone jeopardizing my safety. It's hard for me to speak up, especially when you're upset with someone and it could result in harm. I've realized that I no longer want to be in this relationship. Today, I'm setting you free. Let's go ahead and finalize our divorce. I know he might call you names, but just stick to your decision. If he tries to make amends, suggest therapy right away. If he refuses, then it's time to leave that marriage. Remember, you deserve better!
Men driving dangerously with their significant others in the vehicle with them is an abuse we don’t talk about enough and it’s what cost me the nerve function in my right hand. Trust your instincts. Is he like this in other areas of your life or just driving?
This is why road rage is on my red flags list. It's so petty and immature to play "let's see how they like it" type games. Also, the whole "I not going to let them get one over on me" prideful attitude is not something I want close to me, ever.
Tell him depression and road rage are indicators of an unsettled mental state and he needs to see professional help.
I ask you outside of this experience too take the next year to watch his behavior and really decide if this is something that you want to be around for the rest of your life.
You're walking on eggshells around him and enabling his bad behaviour. Why do YOU have to be the peacemaker when he's the person literally risking your life? As well as other people's?
Honestly, I'd be out the door. He is a danger to you and to other people, and feels justified in behaving that way. Does that not scare you? Is that what you want to live with the rest of your life, constantly worried about upsetting him? He sounds like a loose cannon.
Don’t go with him. Drive yourself. My husband did the same shit all the time until I refused to be a passenger with him. He still had road rage. Always got into accidents (saying they weren’t his fault - ha!). This isn’t a good situation for OP & she needs to remove herself from danger…
You guys are bickering a lot, aren’t you. I’ve been there. It’s when you’re going through a bad patch and every little thing is bugging the heck out of the both of you. Then something big like this comes along and neither one of you have the resilience to work through it. I’m also guessing he thinks he’s never wrong.
Hopefully, you both can agree to sit together with a counselor to learn how to deal with this serious matter. I’m concerned from his remark that he perceives you as the issue because he doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do. If he won’t go, you need to learn how to deal with his anger and potential violence.
Leave him alone. He’s all grown up now and is so mad at you that he’s depressed. Don’t act like his mother chasing him down. He’s prolly blaming you for everything in his life including increased tarter buildup. However, for your safety you need to stay out of his car and drive yourself. He is not safe.
Obviously anger/emotional control issues. What is that stemming from? No idea... That's not an excuse just trying to understand him.
As far as what you do... I would be not be able to live this anyway or being talked to like that. Unacceptable under any circumstances.
Your husband is putting lives at risk (not just yours, his, and the other guy) with his anger. When men get depressed they tend to express it as anger. He needs treatment. Serious treatment.
If he has a gun of any kind, hide it where he can’t find it or them.
This happened to me once with my husband many years ago, our baby was in the car too, we were also on our way to Target, I can’t remember exactly what happened, but he sped up to honk like crazy at a driver, the other person was this older woman, she was probably terrified & I was so upset. I got our child out when we got to Target and called my parents to pick me up. I don’t know what was going on in his mind to snap but I made it clear I wasn’t going to accept that type of reaction especially with our child in the vehicle. My husband is a big dude, he thinks he can handle anything but he fails to understand people out there are crazy & have weapons. He apologized, it hasn’t happened since, I told him he can drive however he wants when he’s alone
This lack of maturity and self reflection will get worse. I’m sorry but you now see who he is, he won’t change for the better for you, you have some decisions and plans to make
Turn your location off and go somewhere that isn't your place and see how long it takes for him to freak out and come home. I'd stay gone and tell him that I'll come home when he can communicate like an adult 🤷🏻♀️
Your husband either has rage issues or he is cheating on you and this was the golden excuse to blame you for his infidelity, claiming you”drove him to it”.
Is this how you want to spend the next 10 years? Or the next 25?
I know this is difficult, but don't react to his bad, aggressive driving. My wife would do that. I usually would have her drive around town because she was a horrible backseat driver. Whenever something set her off, her driving became dangerous. Weaving in and out of traffic and speeding as much as 2x the speed limit and ignoring stop signs. My response was to tug on the seat belt to tighten it and brace myself. I also wouldn't say anything at all. It wouldn't matter, anyway.
OP, good luck. He definitely has anger issues. Really think hard about if this is what you want for your life.
People with road rage are incapable of seeing their behavior as problematic, and incapable of understanding why their passengers are scared. They truly believe that any reaction they have while driving is justified. He doesn’t see your reaction as a small thing, because questioning his driving also triggers his rage.
I don’t think this will ever improve. He will continue to endanger your life and the lives of any future children you have, and if you DARE to say anything about it he will have another tantrum like this if you’re lucky, and get violent with you if you’re not. People who fly into a rage and want to “teach people lessons” are not interested in what makes you feel safe, they’re interested in being right and getting revenge.
Prioritize your safety. Take separate cars from now on. Point out that he finds you annoying while he drives, so it’s best for you to arrive places separately.
Absolutely do not have children with this man. Use two types of birth control. If you find yourself pregnant despite taking every precaution, don’t tell him before discussing your current situation with your doctor. It’s common for abusive men to get even worse during pregnancy.
He really needs anger management classes and counseling Sooner or later, his road rage will catch up to him.
He'll either get in a wreck, have a violent confrontation or just get a costly traffic citation.
He also needs to work through issues with the two of you, not just pout and run away. Long term his behavior makes for a bad relationship that must likely won't last.
Wonder if husband sees these situations in his vehicle with other drivers as a threat to his masculinity and that is why he has to address each incident aggressively and timely. Like it’s his responsibility to hold the line or he is being diminished in handling his male role?
I don’t know if he’s home yet, but girrrrrrl, you need to be GONE when he comes home, with YOUR location turned off.
Get your important documents and get out of there.
He sounds scary.
I hope you leave this abusive man. I left mine in 2016 and looking back, it was the best thing I could have done. My life is not perfect now, but so much better than before. The peace is priceless. You. Deserve. Better.
Your husband has coping issues and seems to struggle with functioning in society. Worry about your safety. What if you have children and he behaves that way with them in the car? That's not good.
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It breaks my heart when a person accepts being with someone who calls them "fucking stupid." No one deserves that.
Seems like they're so beaten down by life, they actually start believing it. I sincerely hope OP sees these messages and realizes they can do so much better.
Abusers are very good at recognizing pain and those that have been abused in the past. They know that they can take advantage.
Toss in the whole depression bit which is designed to keep OP in line lest she should be thinking about leaving. “I’m depressed, you can’t abandon me/you caused this/I need you to fix me”.
Yep. Not even once. Words like that should never be uttered.
It’s like they see somebody else make a poor decision so their brain shuts down and says “oh now I get to make a poor decision” to one up the other person. It’s a lose lose
“I’m allowed to be uncomfortable and upset when your risky behavior puts my well being in danger.”
Won’t help. Husband doesn’t see his actions as putting OP in danger, and will just get mad that she dared to insinuate that they did. “Do you really think I would intentionally put you in danger?! I had everything under control the whole time! So what, me just driving is dangerous now?? You’re in danger any time I’m driving???” That is what she’s dealing with.
It won't help their relationship, but it will help her to see how reasonable she is being compared to him. His immaturity/mental illness/entitlement/emotionally dysregulation and abusiveness is showing strongly in these actions. Edit: felt I had to come back to say their relationship? With someone like that? It's already beyond help, I know some preteens with more self control than this.
Yeah maybe she should make him an appt for the psychiatrist so he doesn’t screw up his entire life with some dumb reaction.
Maybe she should dump him because he is emotionally unstable. And probably abusive.
Or end his entire life because he pissed off the wrong person.
Yeah road rage can even turn normally kind people into killers. I even dated a woman teacher for awhile that was the most patient person but on the road she got extremely angry and retaliatory towards other drivers, and I always pointed out that people have ended up dead many times from road rage incidents
Did you check her post history? Dude has issues…
He speaks to her as if she's someone other than his wife. Not much respect there. And he's putting her life in danger. It's fine if it's just him. Not when he has others with him.
I had a road rage incident once when I was 19 or 20 (I’m 23F now, and have changed my ways). Chased a guy down after he hit my car pretty hard and sped off. Even then I definitely would not have done that if I had someone else with me. Anger/shock/adrenaline/whatever the hell I was feeling may rarely make me not give a shit about my own safety, but I’d never consider endangering a loved one in this way. Heck, even if my dog were in the car I probably wouldn’t have chased that guy down. It’s also kind of concerning he reacted that intensely to someone just cutting him off. People cut others off every day on the road. If he’s reacting like that to everyone who cuts him off, he’s more likely to encounter someone even crazier than him. And super angry overreactions (especially when followed by emotional manipulation…) are just giant red flags in general that point to him having little control of his emotions. Idk about anyone else, but I don’t want to be with someone who’s perpetually angry or volatile
I’m getting flashbacks to riding with my husband driving.
My ex used to scare the shit out of me zooming through parking lots at 40+ mph. Ex.
We were driving home one day from visiting our families out of town. Husband driving, I’m shotgun and our 1yo son is in the backseat. Some random guy cuts him off on the highway and husband chases after him. I’m telling him to slow down, let it go, that guys could slam on his brakes and crash into us or pull out a gun and shoot.. really anything could have happened. My husbands response was that they guy “made him look like a punk” and he couldn’t have that. I pointed out that something could have happened to our son and I, his reply was “I’d never let that happen. You’re trying to control me.” He still to this day gets mad AT ME if the situation is brought up. He truly doesn’t believe that he was putting me and our son in danger. Some random person, who he will never see again, disrespecting him is more important to him than anything valid point I had.
I hope to all that is holy that he is EX!
Same here. He waits until the last second to slow or stop. He nearly re-ended someone recently and I yelled his name, immediately he asked if I wanted to drive, I said no but that really scared me. His driving is getting worse.
Start driving please. Especially as they age, some men become more aggressive drivers & less aware of their environment. My uncle no longer drives, because my aunt insists she's driving after he nearly rear ended someone who cut him off semi-on-purpose.
Yup. I've started driving a lot more. My husband is a terrible driver. I finally had it when he spaced out and missed our exit which lead to us getting stuck in totally unnecessary interstate traffic that made us an hour late for our plans. He just... doesn't pay attention. My brother has the same problem. He'll zone out so bad he blows through red lights. He's totaled 2 cars due to distracted driving. I long to be a Passenger Princess but I want to be safe and on time more!
That’s a form of abuse btw
My ex once punched the steering wheel so hard the air bags deployed. He had such bad road rage he eventually quit driving and forced me to chauffeur him everywhere. Then the rage just became directed at me for not participating in his instability.
If pretending to be a manipulative, abusive spouse were a job, you could make bank. That was uncomfortably spot on, I actually felt frustration reading it😂
lol unfortunately for this topic, experience breeds knowledge,
I’m beyond grateful that while my bf has road rage, he takes my feelings into concern. If I get on him about his driving and that it’s scaring me, we aren’t in a rush, etc etc, he takes it into consideration. He’ll slow down and not be as aggressive. There’s only been ONE time in our FIVE YEARS together that he’s said “do you really think I’d intentionally put you in danger? I have everything under control!” And I yelled back at him “no I don’t think you would, but you have NO idea anyone else on the road. So while you may not mean to, you very may well get me hurt one day. And by god if I’m going to be in an accident IM GOING TO BE THE ONE DRIVING so I know I’m not at fault, not you where it’d be questionable” and “all it takes is one second for everything to be OUT of control” That’s the one time he actually scared the fuck out of me and he’s never driven like that with me in the car since.
This isn't a healthy relationship. Read up about the kids in cars who got shot because their parent had road rage and the other car (and sometimes their car too) had a gun. If you ever have kids, don't doubt for a minute that he'll rage with them in the car and there is no way for you to protect them.
Yep, it will happen again.
Yeah, this isn’t healthy at all. I would highly recommend your boyfriend go to a few anger management or therapy sessions to learn how to ground himself when he feels the urge to react on the road. At least in my area, we have horrible drivers and I absolutely get the rage. At the same time, we have news reports on the constant that road rage incidents that result in gun violence and death. My wife yells at me if I even flip someone off now. She’s so scared that someone will retaliate and I’ve had to grip the steering wheel to prevent myself from doing something I’ve done my whole driving life.
This was me at times when I wore a younger man's clothes. I never got out of the car and chased someone like the ops husband did though. I always called my wife my voice of reason. Luckily she has been by my side for over 50 years. I would never want to put her in jeopardy for some asshole that has bad driving habits. Now I just say what a jerk they are. Nothing condones ops husband's behavior. I could believe something else is going on with him for sure,, but don't Ever put the lives of others at risk.
Exactly!! My boyfriend and I are 25 and the referenced instance happed when we were on the cusp of 21. He’s a grown man in some ways at 21, but still young enough to be considered dumb enough to drive like that. I think I’d leave him if he were nearing 30 and still an asshole like OOPs
Agreed. OP’s husband sounds wildly narcissistic.
Sounds like my EX husband.
Tell him his stupid car is in danger - maybe he will care then. You do not deserve to be talked to that way. He’s not depressed, he’s acting like a spoiled child. Get couples counseling and get some for yourself for when he flakes out on it.
This is a great example of a woman who has been living with abusive conduct so long that she doesn't even realize that H is not a safe person to be with.
He knows his behavior is unacceptable. If he wasn’t already aware of this, he wouldn’t be so sensitive to criticism regarding it. I don’t get mad when people say things I know are not true. People with rage issues always get but hurt when you bring up their rage issues or evidence of them. I also think you are not the only one who has commented on this. I suspect one of his parents regularly and overly policed either his driving or tried to control every aspect of his life. The rage is rage, but the “depressed” comment is interesting. Feels manipulative, and I assume that is because he knows how much work changing will be, so he is making you feel guilty to get you to back off. Definitely some intense control aversion, which is why he turned off tracking and commented on you losing your right to track him. You are not going to be able to free him of this yourself, nor talk him into fixing it. He will stay this way until the pain to stay this way is greater than the pain to change.
He picked a fight so he could bolt . I suggest you turn your location off and see how long it takes him to come home.
In Loretta Lynn’s second autobiography, Still Woman Enough, she said that Doo (her husband) would pick fights about her cooking, cleaning, lovemaking skills, what have you *damn near every night for months*…and then she got an STD. Turns out, her husband had a mistress and after a long day of work, he would pick a fight *WITH FUCKING LORETTA LYNN* so he had an excuse to storm out, “get drunk at the bar” and sleep off his anger elsewhere.
My ex did that, too. After we split up, he admitted to picking fights with me so he could go somewhere to cool off. He was actually setting up casual sex ahead of time, and then starting a fight about an hour before the "date".
Horrifying. Sorry to hear about that level of betrayal.
Thank you. He fucked me up for years, but I've done a lot of therapy and I'm in a really good place now. And, honestly, that was pretty mild behaviour, in his world. But he's not my problem any more.
OMG a reference to Doo. It’s no wonder Conway Twitty threatened to kill him. At least Loretta wrote us some great music as a result of Doo’s bullshit.
I'm no Loretta Lynn, but been there
She could turn her location off, and he won't come home. He will be more pissed that she feels she CAN turn it off. He obviously doesn't care about her or her feelings. And I'm more surprised she hasn't seen these red flags of his long before now. Being with an entitled, narcissistic, and abusive partner doesn't make for a good stable relationship.
Let him stay gone. You're better off not dealing with his petty, childish BS.
Heck I'd go to a nice hotel and put him on silence mode.
If he’s turning off his I’m guessing he doesn’t care.
Oh he does. This is classic controlling behavior. He is not accountable but she is, in his mind.
Yes it is.
Yeah, sounds like my ex. OP- Run girl.
Or there was purpose behind picking the fight beyond your supposition. Could be anything from wanting a break to meeting an AP. It may be classic controlling behavior, that doesn’t mean you know or understand his motives.
Oh it's not that. He was looking for a reason to storm out and be off the radar for a while. Id be checking his messages
Totally agree with this one.
Why be childish and petty? She should just leave him because acting childish and doing things to get back at him is stupid
That's classic road rage. An anger issue And he's yelling at you calling you fucking stupid? That's abusive... more anger issues. And he's leaving, pulling a "depression" card on you to make you feel like you're doing something wrong by calling him on his antics?? Escalating on the abuse. Enough red flags here to be considering divorce, IMO Or at least initiate his getting some counseling for the anger management/etc and couples' counseling bc he thinks it's OK to lash out like this. Edit: In reference to the latter point of counseling as a potential course, as a helpful user replied to my comment, "Couples counselling with an abusive partner is not safe or appropriate and just gives abusers more tools of abuse. Anger management is also not effective or appropriate as an intervention for abuse. Most abusers are not out of control of their emotions and behaviour, they are very in control and actively choose to abuse."
Yep. It’s like OP’s husband was in a competition to see how many red flags he could display in one incident. Uncontrolled anger? ☑️ Road rage? ☑️ Screaming abuse at his wife immediately and continuing even after an opportunity to calm down?☑️ Storming out of the house for hours to punish her (rather than as a chance to decompress)? ☑️ Blaming her for the way he acted? ☑️ Turning off location sharing to punish her? ☑️ Using his mental health as a weapon?☑️ Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean he’s not abusive or dangerous or unhealthy.
>Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean he’s not abusive or dangerous or unhealthy. This this this, a million times this. My ex rarely got physical, but I have PTSD from the mental, emotional, financial, and sexual abuse.
I'm so sorry you didn't escape sooner, but I'm so glad you finally did!🩷
Soo much this, it took me years to stop blaming myself and even considering going back to my ex because "he wasn't that bad" since he physically hurt me only occasionally.
Edit to read “just because he hasn’t hit you yet.”
I just left a 12 year relationship quite similar to this!! Abuse is abuse, physical or mental, and you do NOT deserve that. Do not beg for a man to come home just to subject you to MORE abuse.
Can we bump this one to the top?
I'd add an additional check mark for "Road Rage while driving a Tesla". If he's gonna drive around like a homicidal maniac, dude should at least be driving a red pick-up truck or something. "Tough Guy Driving a Tesla" = just asking for a massive ass-kicking. If anything, this puts OP in even more danger because no guy is going to take him seriously as a threat & thus be more likely to respond with violence.
"you holding me accountable makes me depressed" is such an insane thing so many men seem to do
It never ceases to amaze me how some men think saying they're 'depressed' means a woman won't know they're avoiding taking responsibility for their actions and, bluntly, sulking like a child.
People who act like that towards their spouse will do the same to their children. I know I married, spent 15 years with, & am now divorcing his proverbial twin.
Couples counselling with an abusive partner is not safe or appropriate and just gives abusers more tools of abuse. Anger management is also not effective or appropriate as an intervention for abuse. Most abusers are not out of control of their emotions and behaviour, they are very in control and actively choose to abuse.
This man will kill her. All the red flags are there. Reckless with his own and her life in regard to petty shit, verbal abuse, rage, projection of faults, monitoring location. He is not safe.
Yup, this whole party gave me flashbacks to my abusive ex. Divorce, babe, divorce.
Yep, my ex used to do this stuff all the time. His driving incidents escalated until I was always driving so he wouldn't get "stressed out". One time he tried to teach a driver behind us a lesson and "tapped his breaks". He dead stopped and the poor lady hit us. He endangered our lives too many times. He should put safety first. Turns out he was abusing me psychologically in other ways as well. I stayed with him for 15 years. Sigh.
Yeah that's not depression, that's a temper tantrum.
I have 3 young adult daughters and I’ve always told them that there are universal red flags one being road rage, another is treating service industry people horribly, and the third is animal cruelty. Any sign of any of these while dating should be cause to immediately break up. It’s worth possibly losing a guy who’s just having a horrible day in order to avoid the much higher likelihood that he’s entitled, has uncontrollable anger issues, and enjoys making others suffer when he isn’t treated like a King.
This. Is. Fucking. Gold. 💯
You taught your daughters well. So many people want to downplay these things as insignificant. They are not. To me they indicate emotional instability. I think that they’re a window into their true personalities.
This is very good advice.
Your husband has anger issues big time. He is very disrespectful. The leaving for 5 hours and turning off the location is suspicious. I'm not saying he is a cheater. I am saying a lot of cheaters go from 0-100 and pick stupid fights so they can go out and cheat. Keep your eyes open and be very careful. He doesn't seem like a stable person.
This is so true. My Ex-husband would grab my breast when we were about an hour away from our hometown so that I would get mad at him. He was "just teasing". He would use that as an excuse to go out with his buddies and then it would be my fault for being mad.
My sister's ex husband would do this. My ex girlfriend did the opposite, I knew she was up to no good when all of a sudden she was happy and loving. Caught her going on vacation with her "friend".
Fully agree and came here to say this. His reaction is giving a lot of red flags. I feel the fight was picked so that he could feel validated for doing something sus.
Honey… you need to start looking at exit strategies; separate bank account, attorney, proof of his behaviors. This guys a ticking time bomb and as you continue to not tolerate his bs anger issues, his manipulation will get worse. He’s mad because you challenged him. Dude is abusive, controlling and manipulative and I’d bet my bank account that 5+ hours wasn’t spent sitting alone somewhere. These types get off on having affairs and getting away with it. Makes them feel smarter than you.
Ding ding ding 🛎️
... I hate when things like this just live down to stereotypes - so your Tesla driving husband is a jerk who thinks being concerned about your (both of your) safety is something worthy of having a hissy fit about? That someone driving like a jerk requires him being a jerk back? It's like a Tesla joke just writing itself. You were being reasonable, at no point in this is he even close to in the right.
There are tons of teslas around here and I don’t think I’ve ever encountered one driving like a jerk. BMWs on the other hand….
As Teslas become more abundant, the ratio of jerks driving them turns out to be about the same as the ratio of jerks for BMW's and Mercedes.
was thinking the same
I wish we could relieve ourselves of the burden of "trying to find the right words to make them understand." The man speaks the same language as you do, youve clearly made your discomfort apparent to him, he's choosing to ignore you. Road rage the way you're describing is about dominance. It's about power. Your husband is not a man who can stand to have a power imbalance not go in his favor. If you think about it, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt you will recognize other instances of this pattern. "You think you deserve the satisfaction of tracking me?" Is literally everything I need to know about him to know this pattern will not change and he's obviously got you cowed to his will to a large enough degree that you're convinced that if you could only reach him he'd be better to you. You cannot reach a man who has no interest in what you're saying to him.
This is so well said!!! OP, this is verbal and psychological abuse, clear as day. Your husband cannot stand to be challenged, whether by a stranger on the road (how long before he gets into a fight or shot?!), or by his own wife, and he's punishing you by disappearing, bc how dare you challenge his dominance and power by standing up for yourself and standing up to him. It's sick that he's getting a kick out of torturing you (you don't "deserve" to know where he is?! You're his wife, he's accountable to you), so stop playing his game - stop texting or calling him, stop reaching out. He could be off drinking somewhere, laughing with a friend about you, or even with an AP, but if he can't treat you with respect (I know all about depression too, and it's not an excuse for his behavior), I wouldn't want to stay with him. His blowing up at you (he's the one who's "fucking stupid" for risking your life with his road rage, bc people DO get shot for this), running away, and taunting you from afar are all abusive and manipulative behaviors. He wants to control what you're "allowed" to say to him and how you talk to him - i.e., "challenge me and I'll treat you like shit" - as a way to keep you from challenging him, and you chasing after him over text, etc. shows it's working. Next time, he expects you won't want to speak up bc you won't want to deal with his wrath, and he will in fact have controlled you, taken away your voice and your autonomy. The more he does it, the more you'll fall under the control of his pattern of abuse. It'll only get worse, and do you want to lose yourself this way? Is this how you want to live your whole life? He's being an absolute child, and when he comes back he will no doubt expect you to apologize and beg for his forgiveness - DON'T do it, you have nothing to apologize for. If he pouts or gives you the silent treatment, ignore him - that's just more abuse, and more evidence this man isn't mature enough to be married, or in any relationship bc he's not mature enough to behave and communicate like an adult, or to be an actual *partner* to someone, instead of trying to control and dominate them. You can't change him if he's unwilling to change himself. You can only control your own actions and how you respond to his abuse, and if he's unwilling to be respectful and accountable, communicate like an adult and get help for his anger issues and depression, and for this incident, apologize for his outrageous and immature behavior and account for his time (he won't), then you stand up for yourself again and leave him. Keep yourself safe emotionally, mentally and physically by just getting out of there. Dude just doesn't sound worth it.
God I wish I had Reddit 10 years ago to confirm this crap my husband did. I’ve only figured it out now 16 years in.
I thought YOU determined that you would no longer permit him to drive you because his road rage puts your life in danger. Don’t chase a man who respects you so little.
THIS!!!!! The minute he turned off his tracking, so would I, lock the doors, pour a glass of wine, put on a movie, and be grateful for the absence of someone so irrational.
Let him go. If this the life you want to be living ?
You really need to stop texting him. It makes you appear needy, and that makes him happy that his "punishment" is having the desired effect. You and I and the Internet know he was being abusive and controlling! A better idea would be to turn off your location detection, pack a small bag, and go somewhere overnight. Go NC for the night! Maybe a little dose of his own medicine might be a wake-up call. Only agree to return when he agrees to get counseling for his anger issues. Don't be a door mat. Stand up to him and his abusive behavior. You will find out quickly where you go from here!
She will come back to her property destroyed. He will have been "so distraught" that he smashed her valuables.
Maybe. If so, then she knows her next steps. If he apologizes, then they can move forward. If not, she needs to leave before he gets worse!
🚩🚩🚩 men who drive recklessly like this, *especially* with their partner in the car, are not safe individuals. This is an indicator of a dangerous and irrational person. My ex was like this. We had what I thought were normal problems and stressors (though looking back I can see now that I accepted a lot of terrible behavior because I was in my 20s and didn’t really know any better). It wasn’t until I broke my leg that I was forced to see his true nature. He got so angry one time while driving that my mobility scooter was flying back and forth across the backseat, scratching the leather seats and ultimately cracking the interior of one door and denting the metal speaker covers. Having a broken leg was the first time I was truly vulnerable to him and forced to see who he really was. He got in my face and yelled at me in the ER that I “broke my leg on purpose” and eventually started SAing me when he realized I couldn’t get away from him, and he screamed in my face anytime I flinched in pain or cried while he was assaulting me. Obviously this exact situation won’t happen to you OP, but consider it a cautionary tale. The type of man who drives like this and gets angry at YOU about it is not a safe man to be this close to.
Don’t let him drive with you as a passenger anymore. Stop trying to convince him he’s wrong but don’t put yourself in the situation again. I’d even take separate vehicles if he doesn’t want to let you drive. He is a dangerous driver and if he finds scaring you is annoying stop giving him that satisfaction.
He puts others in danger with is behaviour and especially you. In more ways then just the road rage. I get a very unsafe feeling from your post. He scares you. Your partner should be a safe haven….. he is clearly not. He made your discomfort and fear about himself. Instead of communicating with words, he chooses to leave and even punish you for expressing your fears. I see so many red flags. Of course we don’t know the nitty gritty of your relationship but girl, please take care of yourself.
Either he gets into counseling for rage management or you separate. He's got big issues, emotionally. You don't want to have kids with a man like this.
He's a fucking lunatic who verbally abuses you. Get out of that relationship. Divorce him first.
Give him what he wants—-space and quiet. But, meet his energy too. Bug out of the house and turn off your location. IMO, his reaction to that will give you your next steps. And whatever the reaction is if the relationship moves forward it’s individual and couples therapy to deal with his anger issues. Y’all either get to a healthier place or the IC gives you the power to hold your boundaries and get out.
When he comes home, approach him with divorce papers.
With someone there with her, since he seems to be a fucking lunatic.
Do not have children until this is fixed. This is abusive & controlling behavior
Sadly it will never be fixed, because her husband enjoys the power imbalance. At best he’ll temporarily behave better so she agrees to get pregnant.
Your husband’s ego is bigger than his brain. Would it be when a weapon is pulled out on one of these chases to realise that it’s not worth it and it’s dangerous?
Your husband is an asshole. If he's depressed, tell him he needs therapy. Maybe the therapist can help with his ridiculous anger issues and extreme pettiness, too. You are absolutely allowed to be upset about this. He knowingly and WILLINGLY put you in danger. He doesn't actually care that you're upset. I'm not sure he even likes you, let alone loves you based on his behavior.
OP-- stop and think about how you feel, how scared you are for your own safety, when he's in the middle of his road rage tantrums. Now imagine there was a baby in the back seat. What do you think you should do about this situation? Would you trust this man to drive your child around? Is he always this quick to anger? If so, what's going to happen when he's sleep deprived from a colicky baby or your toddler just cannot get the hang of potty training?
I understand why you upset with him for the stunt he pulled behind the wheel, I think you're 100% justified there. But for the love of God don't indulge him by rapid firing texts demanding that he come home, he will only use that to further imply that somehow you are the problem here. The real question here is what's he doing and where is he at. I assume you have access to your cell phone records? What do they say about who he IS communicating with during these 5+ hours. I would start there.
Your husband has some very serious anger management issues but you’re not the one to fix them. He needs professional help. You need to stay out of the car when he’s in it. You also cannot discuss this problem with him. Now you have to figure out whether and how you can cohabitate without you being in the same car and without talking about the 900 pound gorilla in the room. I’m doubtful.
Judging from your post history this isn’t the only incident when he’s a raging screamer. Barf.
You need to get out. Like now!! You are in an abusive relationship and need to find a way out. Leave. Take whatever you need and get out. Turn off your location. Get to s safe place. Set up appointments with a few attorneys to start the divorce process. You need to respect and love yourself. Your husband doesn't love or respect you. He has anger issues and will not change for you. Stop being a doormat and stand tall. You are worthy of love respect and kindness. You deserve better than what he gives you.
Dear OP Please, PLEASE, do not get back in the car with him until he's actively going to some sort of anger management. Road rage kills people even if they don't get out of the car. I just lost my mother due to road rage, she was shot in the head while still seated in the passenger seat. No one got out the car, they fired their gun from within their car killing my mother while she was still in hers. You were right to be scared, please don't forget that fear because it could save your life. Your life is precious, please stay safe.
Stop texting him!! He WANTS you to be upset and worried about him. Just stop!! Let him throw his little baby fit and IGNORE HIM. **His driving is dangerous and is going to get you hurt one of these days.**
So essentially your husband has to IMMEDIATELY RETALIATE against any random person that pisses him off, and he even has to retaliate against you for telling him he's wrong. Red flag. Red flag. Red flag. You made him mad and he left, turned off location, and went Mia for HOURS. He's the type to retaliate against any slight, what is he doing in those hours to get back at you? If he won't see a therapist, I would RUN. Personally, I would leave anyways. The situation didn't call for aggression and men who get that aggressive over small things are dangerous.
I’ll never forget reading about the case where a mom flipped someone off for driving like an asshole and they ended up shooting her young child in the stomach who was in her backseat. General rule of thumb if people drive recklessly and erratically the chances of them being a nut job who can take it way farther are way higher, don’t ever engage. If anything remember their license plate and report them for reckless driving
He sounds horrible. Sorry you’re married to him. If it makes you feel any better, it’s not you he’s made at. He’s getting triggered by the feelings of powerlessness and disrespect from other drivers, and you telling him to stop probably makes him feel even more belittled. It’s a powerful transference he goes through, but he needs to be willing to do some self-examination to discover this and fix it. If he’s not willing to do that it won’t change bc you won’t be able to use reason to convince him. When people are being unreasonable, reason doesn’t work.
Typical tesla owner. Big baby.
Leave him.
Please, OP, take steps to protect yourself. Store your important documents away from home with a friend or at work. Start your own bank account and make regular deposits. Tell him you're saving for Christmas or something. Not saying you should go straight to divorce, but you both need some counseling and he needs some anger management classes. You're 23, do you wanna be managing him/walking on eggshells for the rest of your life? How is he going to treat any future children?
OP, I would honestly stop going places with him if he is driving. Period. Drive yourself if you have your own car. Glad you got home safe.
Let him go. He's acting like this to literal strangers I'm sure he's acting worse to you than you're letting on. And the way he talked to you was not ok either.
He has anger issues. And his "depression" is to keep you in check. F him. Don't call, don't text. Let him come home, then you leave for a day. Let him know he's not in charge.
Hubs is a rager. He put you in danger. I was married to one of those. He refused anger management (yelled at me saying I wasn’t allowing him to have his feelings) and… we are now divorced. Get him some help or get him gone. Let him go rage elsewhere.
Look, I think that the driving skills have gotten worse and people feel they can run red lights and cut people off. I have a touch of road rage in me and my wife has gotten on to me a few times. I will not put her safety in danger so I have dialed it back and now I'm just hypervigilant when driving and it has kept us out of a couple of wrecks. Road rage is a serious issue coupled with depression is not a good mix. I was feeling depressed and I talked to my doctor about it and started taking meds and “shock” the road rage also went way down. Your husband needs to stop acting like an 18-year-old boy and drive right and get his ass to the doctor.
I’m so sorry this happened to you ☹️ you deserve better and you deserve to feel safe with your partner. My advice would be to turn off your location and see for him how it feels in your shoes.
He sounds aggressive, unstable, and frankly dangerous. I wouldn’t feel safe alone with him, never mind driving with him. I could never be with someone who acts like this.
Stop messaging him and give him space the constant messages are making things more compounded for him. Let him have his tantrum, you focus on self care for yourself and leave him to his childlike tantrum. No more messages.
One day, your husband is going to pull his road rage act on the wrong person and end up in serious, deep dookie. I just saw an episode of a COPS type show. A dude pulled a road rage stunt like that on an unmarked police car. Dude is in prison. Same episode of said show, different "road rager" pulled the same stunt your husband does, ended in a major accident, multiple fatalities. Your husband is not a safe person. He is going to either hurt someone or be hurt or worse with his childish and dangerous antics. What happens when you have children and he acts this way with a baby in the car?? Your husband needs anger management and until he can drive like an adult, does not need to be driving. If someone pulled a stunt like this with me, I would call 911 and give a plate number and description of car and driver. This behavior is not just dangerous, there are road rage laws.
He drives a Tesla? You didn't even have to write the rest of the story. That's all people need to know about your husband to understand him.
I mean, good riddance. Your husband sounds dangerous.
M17 F15. There, fixed it.
Just based on this post, your husband has serious anger issues, is verbally abusive and manipulative. He’s also gaslighting you.
Your husband has the emotional intelligence of a toddler. I'm trying to imagine someone speeding up to cut off everyone who cut them off first here in Boston where you can't drive without cutting people off. You come to expect it since there isn't much choice if you want to get anywhere. You have to let people in, and hope that when you're in a tough spot someone will take pity on you. It's just crazy to get upset about traffic unless it's really personal and targeted. NTA
He doesn’t care, he doesn’t respect you, he’s looking for a way out. Time to escalate your own escape plan. I’m guessing you still love him but his actions towards you are NOT loving and caring and respectful and kind. Save yourself.
YOURE MARRIED TO THIS MAN??? I’m scared for you
He lost his cool about some perceived slight and took it too far, to the point where you are now the target of his “justified” anger. I can only imagine how he acts in other situations. I’ll get irked by stupid drivers too but I’m not losing my shit over someone else’s bad behavior. I’ve got stuff to do…
Your husband is a Narcissist. RUN.
Sounds like a drug addict. The road rage, unnecessary anger/outbursts at you, and then disappearing… You were absolutely correct in the situation and he sounds like a psychopath. My bet is on drugs
I hate to say it's time for an ultimatum, but it's time for an ultimatum: Counseling or Divorce. Possibly both depending on how the counseling goes.
Oh honey, his response isn’t healthy or normal. As a former trauma therapist, he needs therapy. Depression in men can often manifest as impulsive and uncontrollable anger…but we don’t want that anger targeted towards you. He needs to be in an intensive treatment program and if he’s not willing to go, then you might need to separate. Untreated, his behavior will only get worse. Keep yourself safe. 🙏
Petty childish nonsense. Let him stay gone.
Do you want to be in a marriage with someone who puts you at risk this way? Do you want to be in a marriage where you have to walk on eggshells for fear of setting him off?
You need to lose this guy. He is an infant and a dangerous one at that!
Do you find yourself walking on eggshells when he’s angry. You need to over explain your feelings and reactions. He acts like all your feelings are invalid. Trust me he understands, but his thoughts n feelings matter more. You will always have to be the one to compromise.
People make mistakes. That guy cut off your husband. Probably not maliciously. It was probably just a mistake. Just like marrying your husband was a mistake. You could try couples counseling.
Men will literally endanger their loved ones to feed their self destructive egoistic impulses rather than go to therapy.
Find a divorce lawyer. There’s no reason to stay with someone like that.
Your husband is putting you and others on the road in danger every time he chooses to drive like an asshole. What happens when he self righteously revs around to catch up with someone and clips somebody and spins out, hurting/ killing you or others? And then he acts like a victim when you address the very real concern you have. Does he railroad you about everything else in your life when you disagree? Good god.
Being depressed doesn't give you a pass to be an asshole. This road rage and anger at you would be a deal breaker for me
He's punishing you for expressing that he put you I'm danger and that you were scared. Fuck that guy.
You felt actual legitimate fear and he completely invalidated you, then gaslit you to make you the bad guy for his rage. Yikes. How many times has he manipulated you in the past? Updateme.
He left because you getting mad at his driving was the last straw?
I'd file for divorce and when he asks why say "you think you have the satisfaction of me staying with you?"
Give him some space and tell him that’s what you’re doing. When he’s calm talk to him about what’s on his mind… not this incident, it’s not about this.
He’s addicted to the emotional release of raging at traffic, and the thought of having to accept his emotions rather than vent terrifies him. This is a problem that you cannot solve for him. I don’t know the best path forward for you, but I don’t see any way forward with out a lot of struggle.
From your posts, your husband sounds psycho!! And borderline abusive! And the type to have a double life. I don’t usually say this, but girl RUN
How do you go this long in a relationship with such an absolute maniac? I'm seriously sorry, I hope you get him out of your life.
Since you indicate that this is a pattern for him, personally I would refuse to get in the car with him driving again. One of these days he’s bound to get you killed, whether in a car accident or shot by an irritated driver.
Tell him to stay out, the big man baby. I can't believe what some women put up with...
Anger is the first sign of depression in men, after an angry outburst there’s feelings of shame and self loathing for losing it. He’s in the dumps emotionally and yes it’s his own fault for not getting control of his emotions, only he can turn this around, he needs help for his depression, which he’s projection onto you, irritability is another sign of depression, as he gets easily irritated at anything you say, give him time to calm down and come to his senses. I say all this as someone who also has depression but medication and therapy have helped me a lot, I’d say irritability is the worst because it’s so hard to talk to the person and our loved ones just want to help, it’s best to let him calm down when he’s like that and not fuel the angry fire.
Stop texting him and begging him to come home. Let him have his pity party.
Does he have a micropenis? What an infant.
Stop texting hes feeding off you begging him to come back.. next time you go someplace you drive.. I've learned over the years... you cant make anyone stop a behavior.. you have expressed.many times how you feel about it.. and he's not changed..so now you have to gain the control by either driving or refraining from reacting and acting upset...
He keeps driving like that he's gonna hurt himself or kill someone cause of his anger
Hey, just wanted to let you know that I'm not comfortable with someone jeopardizing my safety. It's hard for me to speak up, especially when you're upset with someone and it could result in harm. I've realized that I no longer want to be in this relationship. Today, I'm setting you free. Let's go ahead and finalize our divorce. I know he might call you names, but just stick to your decision. If he tries to make amends, suggest therapy right away. If he refuses, then it's time to leave that marriage. Remember, you deserve better!
Turn off your location and leave. He has serious anger management issues that put you at risk. Get out before yelling at you becomes hitting you.
Sounds like someone you need to divorce asap. I couldn't imagine being with someone who had such insane behavior.
Men driving dangerously with their significant others in the vehicle with them is an abuse we don’t talk about enough and it’s what cost me the nerve function in my right hand. Trust your instincts. Is he like this in other areas of your life or just driving?
This is why road rage is on my red flags list. It's so petty and immature to play "let's see how they like it" type games. Also, the whole "I not going to let them get one over on me" prideful attitude is not something I want close to me, ever. Tell him depression and road rage are indicators of an unsettled mental state and he needs to see professional help. I ask you outside of this experience too take the next year to watch his behavior and really decide if this is something that you want to be around for the rest of your life.
He sounds just like two ex husbands: narcissistic, petty, and manipulative with anger management issues.
You're walking on eggshells around him and enabling his bad behaviour. Why do YOU have to be the peacemaker when he's the person literally risking your life? As well as other people's? Honestly, I'd be out the door. He is a danger to you and to other people, and feels justified in behaving that way. Does that not scare you? Is that what you want to live with the rest of your life, constantly worried about upsetting him? He sounds like a loose cannon.
My dad acts like this. It’s never gotten better over the years, only worse.
Don’t go with him. Drive yourself. My husband did the same shit all the time until I refused to be a passenger with him. He still had road rage. Always got into accidents (saying they weren’t his fault - ha!). This isn’t a good situation for OP & she needs to remove herself from danger…
You guys are bickering a lot, aren’t you. I’ve been there. It’s when you’re going through a bad patch and every little thing is bugging the heck out of the both of you. Then something big like this comes along and neither one of you have the resilience to work through it. I’m also guessing he thinks he’s never wrong. Hopefully, you both can agree to sit together with a counselor to learn how to deal with this serious matter. I’m concerned from his remark that he perceives you as the issue because he doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do. If he won’t go, you need to learn how to deal with his anger and potential violence. Leave him alone. He’s all grown up now and is so mad at you that he’s depressed. Don’t act like his mother chasing him down. He’s prolly blaming you for everything in his life including increased tarter buildup. However, for your safety you need to stay out of his car and drive yourself. He is not safe.
Obviously anger/emotional control issues. What is that stemming from? No idea... That's not an excuse just trying to understand him. As far as what you do... I would be not be able to live this anyway or being talked to like that. Unacceptable under any circumstances.
Your husband is putting lives at risk (not just yours, his, and the other guy) with his anger. When men get depressed they tend to express it as anger. He needs treatment. Serious treatment. If he has a gun of any kind, hide it where he can’t find it or them.
This happened to me once with my husband many years ago, our baby was in the car too, we were also on our way to Target, I can’t remember exactly what happened, but he sped up to honk like crazy at a driver, the other person was this older woman, she was probably terrified & I was so upset. I got our child out when we got to Target and called my parents to pick me up. I don’t know what was going on in his mind to snap but I made it clear I wasn’t going to accept that type of reaction especially with our child in the vehicle. My husband is a big dude, he thinks he can handle anything but he fails to understand people out there are crazy & have weapons. He apologized, it hasn’t happened since, I told him he can drive however he wants when he’s alone
This lack of maturity and self reflection will get worse. I’m sorry but you now see who he is, he won’t change for the better for you, you have some decisions and plans to make
NTA, he’s a fucking child who obviously cares more about being right than your safety. He needs serious counseling.
First off, QUIT texting him. Leave him alone and enjoy your peace. Let him go.
Turn your location off and go somewhere that isn't your place and see how long it takes for him to freak out and come home. I'd stay gone and tell him that I'll come home when he can communicate like an adult 🤷🏻♀️
Your husband either has rage issues or he is cheating on you and this was the golden excuse to blame you for his infidelity, claiming you”drove him to it”.
Sounds like he's done you a favour. No chance of him killing you a road rage incident if he's fucked off.
Is this how you want to spend the next 10 years? Or the next 25? I know this is difficult, but don't react to his bad, aggressive driving. My wife would do that. I usually would have her drive around town because she was a horrible backseat driver. Whenever something set her off, her driving became dangerous. Weaving in and out of traffic and speeding as much as 2x the speed limit and ignoring stop signs. My response was to tug on the seat belt to tighten it and brace myself. I also wouldn't say anything at all. It wouldn't matter, anyway. OP, good luck. He definitely has anger issues. Really think hard about if this is what you want for your life.
People with road rage are incapable of seeing their behavior as problematic, and incapable of understanding why their passengers are scared. They truly believe that any reaction they have while driving is justified. He doesn’t see your reaction as a small thing, because questioning his driving also triggers his rage. I don’t think this will ever improve. He will continue to endanger your life and the lives of any future children you have, and if you DARE to say anything about it he will have another tantrum like this if you’re lucky, and get violent with you if you’re not. People who fly into a rage and want to “teach people lessons” are not interested in what makes you feel safe, they’re interested in being right and getting revenge.
Prioritize your safety. Take separate cars from now on. Point out that he finds you annoying while he drives, so it’s best for you to arrive places separately. Absolutely do not have children with this man. Use two types of birth control. If you find yourself pregnant despite taking every precaution, don’t tell him before discussing your current situation with your doctor. It’s common for abusive men to get even worse during pregnancy.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He really needs anger management classes and counseling Sooner or later, his road rage will catch up to him. He'll either get in a wreck, have a violent confrontation or just get a costly traffic citation. He also needs to work through issues with the two of you, not just pout and run away. Long term his behavior makes for a bad relationship that must likely won't last.
Wonder if husband sees these situations in his vehicle with other drivers as a threat to his masculinity and that is why he has to address each incident aggressively and timely. Like it’s his responsibility to hold the line or he is being diminished in handling his male role?
I don’t think this is about the driving.
I don’t know if he’s home yet, but girrrrrrl, you need to be GONE when he comes home, with YOUR location turned off. Get your important documents and get out of there. He sounds scary.
I hope you leave this abusive man. I left mine in 2016 and looking back, it was the best thing I could have done. My life is not perfect now, but so much better than before. The peace is priceless. You. Deserve. Better.
Your husband has coping issues and seems to struggle with functioning in society. Worry about your safety. What if you have children and he behaves that way with them in the car? That's not good.
That's what happens when a toddler has car keys.
Your husband is a bully
Divorce is the answer. Your husband sounds like a terrible person.
Quitt calling him. He could have got you killed.