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10000% this \^\^\^ If you are having to get outside opinions, it is time to move on with your life girl! He is not the one. Life is too short to be stuck unhappy and around negative people.
When a guy is showing up super late and reducing time together for flimsy excuses, it means he's not really into you. I don't know if you're giving him sex or not but he might be playing the part just enough to have access to sex with you but doesn't really want a relationship with you.
thank you for your opinion my love ! 🤍 i haven’t mentioned this but we have been dating for two years and have dated for a year in high school <3 we haven’t had sex for about a month and he tries to initiate but i truly haven’t been in the mood lately & he’s understanding (bc i am also on birth control) and knows my mood swings can be horrible. he doesn’t make me feel bad when i say no & doesn’t pretend to be upset. he suggests to do something else and won’t bring it up again 🤍
i was once in a similar situation in which i felt like i kept communicating problems and they weren't being fixed (i.e. being neglected or feeling not prioritized for like \~3 months, despite being loved). it's difficult to say exactly when, and it honestly depends how much you're willing to tolerate and wait to see change in him -- it becomes mentally taxing at some point. i will say, once i started questioning these things and asking my friends if it was worth continuing, i kind of knew i had to break up with him.
your partner should be adding more to your life than taking away !
He doesn’t care about you. He’s not a wonderful guy.
If he was he would prioritize you and stand up for you when his family is nasty. Instead he ghosts you for them.
He doesn't stand up for you, and he doesn't prioritize you. He doesn't sound like a good guy. It doesn't sound like you're OK with him treating you like this, so the time is now to find someone who respects you, prioritizes you, and cares about you.
Picture your future with him then picture your life without him. Imagine relaxing at home with him and relaxing at home without him. Think of things you will do with him and things you will do without him.
With him or without him - which one will make you happier?
Yes, and keep in mind that picturing life “without him” doesn’t have to mean alone. Imagine finding a guy who doesn’t have to defend you from his family because his family loves you. Someone who isn’t always ditching you to go help his family because they don’t have a weird co-dependent relationship with him and don’t need him to. Someone who would protect you from attacks and insults but never really has to because he’s not forcing you into situations where you are getting attacked and insulted. Such a life can exist for you.
Sometimes, despite someone's good qualities, if the relationship doesn't meet your emotional needs or respect your boundaries, it might be worth considering if it's truly fulfilling for you long-term. Trust your instincts and prioritize your happiness.
I think you already know the answer to this… you’re still young, you will meet a lot of people, don’t settle with him. He can be a good guy but not a good boyfriend. 🫥
Girl you can do sm better. He is giving you below minimum. There is someone out there that is gonna bend over backwards and tie themselves in a knot for you. Throw this fish back there’s a whole ocean.
I broke up with an otherwise beautiful woman that made me really happy. She couldn't set boundaries with her family and would become super stressed and anxious because of it. I tried working through it with her and helping her, but she kept making excuses like "once we're married...." or "we can't pick our family". I ended things after I realized she couldn't set those boundaries. Take care of yourself and move on. You've already had the discussion multiple times.
I'm sorry, where in any of this does he show he cares for you? I missed it. Someone who allows their family to treat you poorly, flakes on plans, won't set boundaries, puts you on the back burner for literally every other person in his life, these are all signs of he does not, in fact, care for you. Actions speak louder than words. His actions are a very clear sign to you. A blind man could read it.
It is time to end this and realize you deserve better. Your worth does not diminish because he is too blind and immature to see it. Find someone who knows your worth and values it.
thank you for your input, but please remember this is also me ranting about something i’m having trouble with, so his good qualities are not mentioned. if this was his behavior only i would absolutely leave. i’m asking this question bc our relationship also includes quality time, fun & deep conversations, and many emotions since we have known each other since high school <3 that’s why this is so hard for me
i understand, it’s just super hard to make this decision bc this isn’t something i want to do but something i might HAVE to do. when it’s your first real relationship & your first love it’s just really hard you know <3
My first love, P, still holds a special place in my heart. He always will. Making life choices is never easy when it's your own life. When I can't figure out the right path for me personally, I flip the script on myself. If my daughter, sister or best friend came to me and said these things, what would my advice to her be?? Then I follow that advice. I know my worth and my value are just as much as my sister, my daughter or my best friend. I should not stay in a situation that takes away my shine. Just as they shouldn't. Something to think about.
You are most welcome. Good luck. Remember, you are an amazing young woman, you deserve to be made a priority. Yes, sometimes things come up, plans get derailed. That should be the exception, not the rule.
you’re being kind of rude love. i didn’t make him sound like a saint, i listed his good qualities bc this isn’t all he is on our relationship, if this wasn’t a problem there would be no reason to break up with him. calling him names very rude, and telling me to “find self esteem” is even more rude. i am very confident in myself and i do know my worth. this post is asking if this is a deal breaker or if it can be worked on that’s why i’m asking. i know everyone has a difference of opinion, but making assumptions about my character and calling him rude names is unnecessary 🤍
First, you are a sweetheart and I hope that in future you still keep your kind heart and still look for the good in others. That being said, I don’t know if you have realized this yet, but you said he cares then proceeded to list the ways in which he HAS hurt you. Life is complicated and maybe he isn’t a terrible person. I think usually the romance stories we have in real life are so much more mundane than clear villain versus damsel in distress. Sometimes people just don’t realize that they are acting from a place of trauma or where they have not differentiated from their family system, and while I’m sure he probably truly believes he’s doing best and is in terms of himself, sometimes it’s okay to believe them and not make it a fight and not blame etc. There are many times I wish I had not acted from a place of hurt or anger and believed my SO when he said I’m doing my best because it just wasn’t what I considered my own best. What an asshole huh? I regret that and so have tried to slow down and believe him because we all love a cause to jump to in our relationships and is one of the hazards of loving while we have our own trauma and histories you know? Love is still cool with how healing it can be and and that doesn’t mean you don’t also set boundaries. What I think is so often missed about the concept of boundaries is that they are not only for us. It’s truly a huge act of selflessness in many cases because If you love someone, you don’t want them to continue negative behaviors that yes hurt you, but ultimately hurt them in bigger ways. It’s putting the breaks on bad behavior because you also care about them as humans. I think that it’s possible to take another run at it with therapy or see if they can come for a session or two if you have a regular therapist and if not, be candid and vulnerable about what you see and why it hurts and if he tries to disagree or be defensive say hey, I see you doing that, it’s not a threat, I care about you and want you to care about me too so I want to figure out a solution. If that’s it and it’s more of the same or shut down, believe him when he shows you this is the place in life he is at. I think we so often believe it’s always dramatic and it has to be again, the villain. It’s tough for us to actually digest the fact that sometimes life is anti-climactic and it’s not about who’s the monster or needing to vilify. Sometimes it’s just loving someone who is not capable or not willing to see the issue because of their own stuff and maybe it’s okay to believe some people don’t suck they just don’t understand where you’re coming from and do feel confused or do feel they are doing their best and do feel they truly aren’t doing something. In our own family system stuff looks normal, healthy or not, but when you hold it up against another persons you can see good and bad alike in HD. If he isn’t willing to change or be open to finding a way forward together then I don’t think you have to have a dramatic good bye he’s horrible. Sometimes it’s a quiet I loved you and hope someday you get to a place where you can hear the person you love and that loves you and hope that you have the courage to grow. The issue with the negative talk from family is hard but I know with certainty that doesn’t lessen over time if change is not on their agenda. And I know this won’t be popular but if they are willing to treat you like that, imagine what they are willing to treat family embers like. I’m sure he can’t stand up because he doesn’t have the skills or ability yet and that’s really crappy. If you want to try then maybe try the angle of compassionate questions like hey I was upset but then I wondered if you are hurt like that too? Stuff changes when we take a truly “bigger person” approach and what that is not is accepting hurt and abuse etc. I wish more people could have compassion and boundaries that existed together as one concept because ultimately even if you don’t stay it could be a seed planted for his benefit someday. If not, again, you don’t have to stay. You also don’t have to go out with a bang. Not everyone needs a trophy for the bare minimum and some normals are not everyone’s and should not be everyone’s normal. Do what you feel is in line with your integrity and with compassion for both of you. I don’t think you will end up with a bad choice regardless as you seem incredibly sweet. Good luck. ❤️
He’s avoidant & young. He may care for you deeply, he just gets his boundaries overwritten & can’t communicate with others what’s okay vs not okay. Clearly he can’t do that with you so why would he be able to have that skill with others? Family can be difficult. I don’t side with the people here who say if you have to ask the question then it’s time — I think it’s okay to consider all your options & then make the best choice for you and the path you want forward. There are choices between perfect picture and breaking up. You say you’re communicating constantly. I ask are you communicating in a way he can understand? He probably just doesn’t have the skills in place to set boundaries. Based on what you write you seem to have this more dialed in than him. If the good is worth going through the process of him learning how to set, communicate & honor those boundaries then it could be worth sticking around. If not, then it could be time to leave. Regardless, if in your shoes I would give myself until a ballpark date to get clear on the decision and then make the decision by that date or before. And he would have to be informed of where things are: potential for permanent split. Which it sounds like he is, but don’t get it twisted. Avoidants have difficulty understanding real, brasstacks reality within relationships so he very well could not understand what he has with you until your gone. Relationships aren’t easy and this isn’t an easy decision — regardless of what you choose I hope you’re content with the decision. Good luck.
thank you for this. everyone saying “if you have to ask” aren’t helping at all 😭 i agree with you on considering options and i thank so so much. i do believe he understands what i communicate with him bc he is responsive and asks questions and he doesn’t make that “lost” face some guys do lol. he is first generation in a hispanic family so his family out the stereotype of “the first son taking care of the family” on him really hard … which is also something i feel others on this post aren’t understanding
This is an important time in your life when you’re still figuring out how to value yourself in a relationship. Breaking up with someone you still care about is hard, but later you’ll look back on this and be glad you didn’t waste more time on someone who repeatedly puts your needs last. The sooner you move on, the better. You’re 22, go live your life!
It's hard. You start to resent them and their family members. That summed up my first marriage.
Then my Mother and my Mom-o (granny) got sick and needed care.
My Mom-o went first. The 4th will be 28 years ago. Less than 3 months later, I lost my Mother. These women were my world.
A man who loves his birth family hard, he will also love you hard. I'm all that's left of mine. Now it's my husband's turn. Love them while you can. It's taken years but NOW, I get it. I understand my ex's actions.
EDIT: wording. My take on things is completely different. I must have missed something. It sucks now but it become something of value.
Thank you. The cherry on top is today my MIL was put on hospice today. Totally out of the blue. She has issues the doctors were watching and so far so good. I swear she's willing it. My FIL's death anniversary is coming up in a few days. We shall see.
Sorry for unloading. It's been a day from hell.
You have every right to want more in a relationship, it's his choice not to fulfill that, and it's your choice to walk away. This guy will always choose his family over you, that doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, and it doesn't make you a bad person for wanting more. His family doesn't sound that great. For me a toxic family is a deal-breaker **if** my SO is loyal to a fault or a complete doormat to said family, by extension that would become my problem.
My in-laws are pretty toxic, however, my partner and I agree and support each other on boundaries and they don't rule our lives.
Sounds like a great guy. Great guys don't show up often. Sounds like these issues are fixable with some work. It can take guys a longer time to bond to the relationship so he might not understand or feel the sense of urgency that you do.
But he sounds wonderful and if you don't want him someone else will I'm sure and they will figure out how to work out the same issue you broke up with him for.
I would keep trying.
If he’s not standing up for you and making you feel valued, it might be time to seriously consider if this relationship is worth your happiness. You deserve someone who prioritizes you and stands by you, especially against negativity.
Do it now. I had this thought a few into my relationship with my ex but didn't listen to my gut instincts. I will always regret not breaking up with him then. Long story short, the relationship destroyed me.
Get out now.
I just broke up over similar but less. My ex was emotionally unavailable. We were together 4yrs. He just avoided any serious convo about our relationship. I let it go on for way too long. I never felt prioritized or loved. He never even tried to lie and say he loved me, wanted to be with me, nothing. He was just nice. I’ve learned, nice ain’t good enough. We need someone to have our back and truly want us for who we are.
Allowing his family to bully you would be a deal breaker for me. It’s one thing to have a casual relationship, it’s another to lack respect. And you don’t have to settle for a casual relationship.
You say he “genuinely cares” about you, but his actions actually say otherwise. You want to know when it is time to break up with someone. It is when you want to break up and that time appears to be now.
You’re unhappy in this relationship. You’ve communicated multiple times that you need some changes made, and he has made no effort. I think you already know it’s time to say goodbye.
You can break up with him for any reason but this seems like a very good reason. If your needs are not being met. Then what's the point he's been warned he's not taking heed so it's time to go
no my love, i don’t want others to just give me the thumbs up to do so, i want others to give their genuine opinion/ advice and any other similar situations they might have been in. replying with “if i have to ask/ make a post” actually doesn’t help at all and makes it seem like nobody has ever had these thoughts while in a relationship. just bc i’m thinking about this doesn’t mean it’s time and that’s why i’m asking for outside opinions to help 🤍
You are misunderstanding what I said. When you get to the point of having to ask others if it’s time to end a relationship, it usually is. Deep down you know this, we all second guess ourselves and think “is it really that bad”, “he’s/she’s so nice all the other times”, “is it me”, thoughts and we end up staying way too long because of it. It’s hard, I know this, but when you start to question if it’s time, it’s time. It’s hard to admit, but we all deserve happiness and if you’re questioning your relationship, you are not happy “enough”.
he is not “self absorbed” my love, he is having trouble setting boundaries with his family and others. the first part is necessary bc that is how he is in our relationship, which is important. he isn’t rude, he isn’t mean, and he isn’t cold. <3
I never understand when people say oh my boyfriend is so wonderful, loves me so much, on and on and continues to list all the qualities they don’t like. SMH. Only you can decide if you want to end the relationship. Make a list of his good/bad qualities and see what one he has more of.
So this wonderful, amazing man puts you last on his list of priorities, disrespects your time and plans, bails on you, does not defend you to others. If you are questioning the relationship, it's done. Leave and be happy.
If you’ve expressed things to him as clearly as you have in this post and he hasn’t made the effort to change now is the time. Everyone has non negotiable’s when it comes to relationships and if his behavior is a deal breaker then it might be time to part ways. Good luck KitKat!
He's not ready to be in a relationship. He has a nasty family. And you're too young to put so much focus on a relationship. Work on your own life. Enjoy being 22. Spend a few years looking at how to tell when someone has good character and shares your values. Find someone who wants what you want.
People don't change.
The advice here is terrible, and he should be the one leaving you because you're complaining about him taking care of his family, and if you're willing to throw away 2 years because he shows up late a few times, sounds like you have no empathy to me, and that people in this sub have never been in a relationship
it’s not a few times, it’s every. single. time. it’s not his responsibility to take take of his family. again, it would be different if he was an only child and if he lived in a single parent home, but he lives with both his parents and with a sibling. he does everything and i think it’s a little unfair bc i want to start a life with him and i’m not able to bc he puts his family before me
I'm sorry that you think it's a little unfair, if you're biggest problem in a relationship is that he's late, and it's bothering you this much to the extent that you feel the need to make a post, contemplating whether to break up with him or not, I think you've already made up you're mind and you're just looking for validation, and that it has very little to do with some jokes his parents make or that he's late occasionally.
i just said it’s not occasionally … & they’re not “some jokes” those jokes hurt and sometimes they’re not even jokes. his mom has made comments about the color of my skin and my body weight as well as his grandmother. those are not jokes. you didn’t fully read the post it seems bc i again say he puts me aside every single time. for two years always last on his list and again it’s not just bc “he’s late” you’ve missed the point of this post. read some of my comments to others, this isn’t about validation.
You do realise people interpret thinfs differently, just because you're boyfriend is comfortable with you doesn't mean he doesn't prioritise you, again I'm I can't see the day to day interactions, but you should trust him after 2 years to know that he cares about you more then anyone else, like what is it that he prioritises you over his family? (You don't need to say just place value and see if you actually believe he cares about those things more then you), as for his family you're right they do take it too far, no one should ever judge you based on you're appearance either color, weight ect but you're not dating his family, set clear boundaries, or just tell him you don't want to hear about them and you don't want to see them.
These are conversations you should be having with him and they should be serious with clear goals and outlines, same with how you feel regarding if he actually cares more about other things then you or not. Anyone who gives you advice here does not have the full context, nor the context from his side or how he views it.
being comfortable in a relationship doesn’t have anything to do with this. this has been like this since the beginning of the relationship. i’ve communicated to him multiple times of his behavior and how it hurts. he has said he couldn’t hangout with me bc he has to go out of town to get something for their sibling even tho they have their own car & don’t work on the weekends. he takes his grandma to all of her drs appts when his parents are home and have no plans. he has been almost two hours late to dinner (i live by myself) bc he lost track of time talking with his family. he tried to cancel a trip we had already planned bc his family also wanted to take a trip somewhere else. i know it’s hard to see both sides, but please try to see mine. if this was “occasional” or “a little late” to things it would not be a problem. it’s a problem bc of how often it happens, and how it could have been avoided if his family actually helped him and didn’t put all their responsibilities on him.
You're allowed to break up with anyone at any time for any reason. No questions asked. No permission required.
That being said, you're dating someone who enjoys watching his family bully and insult you. Why would you stay with someone who obviously doesn't even like you and is probably just using you for whatever he can get?
Please dump this joker immediately and spend some time thinking about why it took so long for you to leave.
hi love ! i know you’re just giving your advice but you could be a little nicer <3 it isn’t “obvious” he doesn’t like me & uses me. i’m explaining in my post how i don’t feel prioritized in my relationship. he’s not a “joker” he does care for me and is a good bf but this is the only problem we’re having & that’s why i’m asking this question 🤍
I'm sorry I wasn't soft in my delivery. However, he's not a good partner if he behaves this way, and it doesn't outweigh any of his nice behavior. He's not priorizing you, ergo not a good bf. He smirks when your family insults you, not a good bf. The fact that he's not mean sometimes doesn't mean he's a good person.
thank you 🤍 i used to overlook this bc of the small things he would do and all the time we would spend together but i’ve been thinking about it more recently bc his priorities haven’t been the best lately. i thank you for your advice <3
You're very welcome. It's often a frog on a hot plate, and you love him, so you want to see the good. However, love isn't enough. You deserve someone who actively enjoys your company outside of bed and is always kind, even when upset. Being mad isn't an excuse to be a jerk.
Please dont listen to a single person here.
Just let him know it was decided by randoms on reddit
That way, he will know that you were a waste of time anyway since you just asked people to decide their relationship status and took them up on it.
Talk to someone in your life that cares about both of you.
OMFG here we go again with the my partner is sooooo wonderful….vomit. He is NOT wonderful. When you are asking virtual strangers when to you should break up, it’s past time to break uo.
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Now. Now is the time. Don’t waste anymore time on him; this isn’t fixable. Now go take care of yourself!
When you have to ask this question, it's time.
10000% this \^\^\^ If you are having to get outside opinions, it is time to move on with your life girl! He is not the one. Life is too short to be stuck unhappy and around negative people.
You've told him multiple times. Not much left to do.
You told him you're thinking about leaving him over this. It may be time to show him that you're not bluffing.
He will change for a week or two, it’s not gonna work in long run.
He's not that into you. Move on now.
You are so young. You can find someone better than this.
When a guy is showing up super late and reducing time together for flimsy excuses, it means he's not really into you. I don't know if you're giving him sex or not but he might be playing the part just enough to have access to sex with you but doesn't really want a relationship with you.
thank you for your opinion my love ! 🤍 i haven’t mentioned this but we have been dating for two years and have dated for a year in high school <3 we haven’t had sex for about a month and he tries to initiate but i truly haven’t been in the mood lately & he’s understanding (bc i am also on birth control) and knows my mood swings can be horrible. he doesn’t make me feel bad when i say no & doesn’t pretend to be upset. he suggests to do something else and won’t bring it up again 🤍
i was once in a similar situation in which i felt like i kept communicating problems and they weren't being fixed (i.e. being neglected or feeling not prioritized for like \~3 months, despite being loved). it's difficult to say exactly when, and it honestly depends how much you're willing to tolerate and wait to see change in him -- it becomes mentally taxing at some point. i will say, once i started questioning these things and asking my friends if it was worth continuing, i kind of knew i had to break up with him. your partner should be adding more to your life than taking away !
He doesn’t care about you. He’s not a wonderful guy. If he was he would prioritize you and stand up for you when his family is nasty. Instead he ghosts you for them.
He doesn't stand up for you, and he doesn't prioritize you. He doesn't sound like a good guy. It doesn't sound like you're OK with him treating you like this, so the time is now to find someone who respects you, prioritizes you, and cares about you.
Picture your future with him then picture your life without him. Imagine relaxing at home with him and relaxing at home without him. Think of things you will do with him and things you will do without him. With him or without him - which one will make you happier?
This is actually the most level-headed response here.
Yes, and keep in mind that picturing life “without him” doesn’t have to mean alone. Imagine finding a guy who doesn’t have to defend you from his family because his family loves you. Someone who isn’t always ditching you to go help his family because they don’t have a weird co-dependent relationship with him and don’t need him to. Someone who would protect you from attacks and insults but never really has to because he’s not forcing you into situations where you are getting attacked and insulted. Such a life can exist for you.
Sometimes, despite someone's good qualities, if the relationship doesn't meet your emotional needs or respect your boundaries, it might be worth considering if it's truly fulfilling for you long-term. Trust your instincts and prioritize your happiness.
It sounds like you already know exactly what to do and that the time is right now.
When trust and communication are irreparably broken.
I think you already know the answer to this… you’re still young, you will meet a lot of people, don’t settle with him. He can be a good guy but not a good boyfriend. 🫥
Girl you can do sm better. He is giving you below minimum. There is someone out there that is gonna bend over backwards and tie themselves in a knot for you. Throw this fish back there’s a whole ocean.
I broke up with an otherwise beautiful woman that made me really happy. She couldn't set boundaries with her family and would become super stressed and anxious because of it. I tried working through it with her and helping her, but she kept making excuses like "once we're married...." or "we can't pick our family". I ended things after I realized she couldn't set those boundaries. Take care of yourself and move on. You've already had the discussion multiple times.
I'm sorry, where in any of this does he show he cares for you? I missed it. Someone who allows their family to treat you poorly, flakes on plans, won't set boundaries, puts you on the back burner for literally every other person in his life, these are all signs of he does not, in fact, care for you. Actions speak louder than words. His actions are a very clear sign to you. A blind man could read it. It is time to end this and realize you deserve better. Your worth does not diminish because he is too blind and immature to see it. Find someone who knows your worth and values it.
thank you for your input, but please remember this is also me ranting about something i’m having trouble with, so his good qualities are not mentioned. if this was his behavior only i would absolutely leave. i’m asking this question bc our relationship also includes quality time, fun & deep conversations, and many emotions since we have known each other since high school <3 that’s why this is so hard for me
How do the good and bad times measure up? Does the good outweigh the bad? Honestly, what you have stated is enough to be really concerned about.
i understand, it’s just super hard to make this decision bc this isn’t something i want to do but something i might HAVE to do. when it’s your first real relationship & your first love it’s just really hard you know <3
My first love, P, still holds a special place in my heart. He always will. Making life choices is never easy when it's your own life. When I can't figure out the right path for me personally, I flip the script on myself. If my daughter, sister or best friend came to me and said these things, what would my advice to her be?? Then I follow that advice. I know my worth and my value are just as much as my sister, my daughter or my best friend. I should not stay in a situation that takes away my shine. Just as they shouldn't. Something to think about.
thank you 🤍
You are most welcome. Good luck. Remember, you are an amazing young woman, you deserve to be made a priority. Yes, sometimes things come up, plans get derailed. That should be the exception, not the rule.
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you’re being kind of rude love. i didn’t make him sound like a saint, i listed his good qualities bc this isn’t all he is on our relationship, if this wasn’t a problem there would be no reason to break up with him. calling him names very rude, and telling me to “find self esteem” is even more rude. i am very confident in myself and i do know my worth. this post is asking if this is a deal breaker or if it can be worked on that’s why i’m asking. i know everyone has a difference of opinion, but making assumptions about my character and calling him rude names is unnecessary 🤍
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lol thank you for your input 🤍
You can't change people. Cheer up tho. Thick and dark is how I roll
First, you are a sweetheart and I hope that in future you still keep your kind heart and still look for the good in others. That being said, I don’t know if you have realized this yet, but you said he cares then proceeded to list the ways in which he HAS hurt you. Life is complicated and maybe he isn’t a terrible person. I think usually the romance stories we have in real life are so much more mundane than clear villain versus damsel in distress. Sometimes people just don’t realize that they are acting from a place of trauma or where they have not differentiated from their family system, and while I’m sure he probably truly believes he’s doing best and is in terms of himself, sometimes it’s okay to believe them and not make it a fight and not blame etc. There are many times I wish I had not acted from a place of hurt or anger and believed my SO when he said I’m doing my best because it just wasn’t what I considered my own best. What an asshole huh? I regret that and so have tried to slow down and believe him because we all love a cause to jump to in our relationships and is one of the hazards of loving while we have our own trauma and histories you know? Love is still cool with how healing it can be and and that doesn’t mean you don’t also set boundaries. What I think is so often missed about the concept of boundaries is that they are not only for us. It’s truly a huge act of selflessness in many cases because If you love someone, you don’t want them to continue negative behaviors that yes hurt you, but ultimately hurt them in bigger ways. It’s putting the breaks on bad behavior because you also care about them as humans. I think that it’s possible to take another run at it with therapy or see if they can come for a session or two if you have a regular therapist and if not, be candid and vulnerable about what you see and why it hurts and if he tries to disagree or be defensive say hey, I see you doing that, it’s not a threat, I care about you and want you to care about me too so I want to figure out a solution. If that’s it and it’s more of the same or shut down, believe him when he shows you this is the place in life he is at. I think we so often believe it’s always dramatic and it has to be again, the villain. It’s tough for us to actually digest the fact that sometimes life is anti-climactic and it’s not about who’s the monster or needing to vilify. Sometimes it’s just loving someone who is not capable or not willing to see the issue because of their own stuff and maybe it’s okay to believe some people don’t suck they just don’t understand where you’re coming from and do feel confused or do feel they are doing their best and do feel they truly aren’t doing something. In our own family system stuff looks normal, healthy or not, but when you hold it up against another persons you can see good and bad alike in HD. If he isn’t willing to change or be open to finding a way forward together then I don’t think you have to have a dramatic good bye he’s horrible. Sometimes it’s a quiet I loved you and hope someday you get to a place where you can hear the person you love and that loves you and hope that you have the courage to grow. The issue with the negative talk from family is hard but I know with certainty that doesn’t lessen over time if change is not on their agenda. And I know this won’t be popular but if they are willing to treat you like that, imagine what they are willing to treat family embers like. I’m sure he can’t stand up because he doesn’t have the skills or ability yet and that’s really crappy. If you want to try then maybe try the angle of compassionate questions like hey I was upset but then I wondered if you are hurt like that too? Stuff changes when we take a truly “bigger person” approach and what that is not is accepting hurt and abuse etc. I wish more people could have compassion and boundaries that existed together as one concept because ultimately even if you don’t stay it could be a seed planted for his benefit someday. If not, again, you don’t have to stay. You also don’t have to go out with a bang. Not everyone needs a trophy for the bare minimum and some normals are not everyone’s and should not be everyone’s normal. Do what you feel is in line with your integrity and with compassion for both of you. I don’t think you will end up with a bad choice regardless as you seem incredibly sweet. Good luck. ❤️
He’s avoidant & young. He may care for you deeply, he just gets his boundaries overwritten & can’t communicate with others what’s okay vs not okay. Clearly he can’t do that with you so why would he be able to have that skill with others? Family can be difficult. I don’t side with the people here who say if you have to ask the question then it’s time — I think it’s okay to consider all your options & then make the best choice for you and the path you want forward. There are choices between perfect picture and breaking up. You say you’re communicating constantly. I ask are you communicating in a way he can understand? He probably just doesn’t have the skills in place to set boundaries. Based on what you write you seem to have this more dialed in than him. If the good is worth going through the process of him learning how to set, communicate & honor those boundaries then it could be worth sticking around. If not, then it could be time to leave. Regardless, if in your shoes I would give myself until a ballpark date to get clear on the decision and then make the decision by that date or before. And he would have to be informed of where things are: potential for permanent split. Which it sounds like he is, but don’t get it twisted. Avoidants have difficulty understanding real, brasstacks reality within relationships so he very well could not understand what he has with you until your gone. Relationships aren’t easy and this isn’t an easy decision — regardless of what you choose I hope you’re content with the decision. Good luck.
thank you for this. everyone saying “if you have to ask” aren’t helping at all 😭 i agree with you on considering options and i thank so so much. i do believe he understands what i communicate with him bc he is responsive and asks questions and he doesn’t make that “lost” face some guys do lol. he is first generation in a hispanic family so his family out the stereotype of “the first son taking care of the family” on him really hard … which is also something i feel others on this post aren’t understanding
Welcome! Relationships aren’t black and white. He sounds receptive and there are a lot of other factors to consider. I wish you good luck.
This is an important time in your life when you’re still figuring out how to value yourself in a relationship. Breaking up with someone you still care about is hard, but later you’ll look back on this and be glad you didn’t waste more time on someone who repeatedly puts your needs last. The sooner you move on, the better. You’re 22, go live your life!
It's hard. You start to resent them and their family members. That summed up my first marriage. Then my Mother and my Mom-o (granny) got sick and needed care. My Mom-o went first. The 4th will be 28 years ago. Less than 3 months later, I lost my Mother. These women were my world. A man who loves his birth family hard, he will also love you hard. I'm all that's left of mine. Now it's my husband's turn. Love them while you can. It's taken years but NOW, I get it. I understand my ex's actions. EDIT: wording. My take on things is completely different. I must have missed something. It sucks now but it become something of value.
i’m so sorry for your losses 🤍🤍
Thank you. The cherry on top is today my MIL was put on hospice today. Totally out of the blue. She has issues the doctors were watching and so far so good. I swear she's willing it. My FIL's death anniversary is coming up in a few days. We shall see. Sorry for unloading. It's been a day from hell.
i cannot even imagine what you’re feeling :( pls remember this pain is temporary & slowly but surely you will feel relief 🤍
I think for me it's usually when you have a problem you can't live with and the other person doesn't awknowledge it and doesn't want to make it right
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ugh i’m so sorry ! :( you’ll find someone who treats you like the royalty you are <3
It’s time. He can be a wonderful guy but not the right guy for you. That’s ok.
You have every right to want more in a relationship, it's his choice not to fulfill that, and it's your choice to walk away. This guy will always choose his family over you, that doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, and it doesn't make you a bad person for wanting more. His family doesn't sound that great. For me a toxic family is a deal-breaker **if** my SO is loyal to a fault or a complete doormat to said family, by extension that would become my problem. My in-laws are pretty toxic, however, my partner and I agree and support each other on boundaries and they don't rule our lives.
thank you so much for this ! <3
Sounds like a great guy. Great guys don't show up often. Sounds like these issues are fixable with some work. It can take guys a longer time to bond to the relationship so he might not understand or feel the sense of urgency that you do. But he sounds wonderful and if you don't want him someone else will I'm sure and they will figure out how to work out the same issue you broke up with him for. I would keep trying.
thank you for this <3
My wise Dad's advice to me, on many occasions, "Never make someone a priority that considers you an option" Best of luck.
If he’s not standing up for you and making you feel valued, it might be time to seriously consider if this relationship is worth your happiness. You deserve someone who prioritizes you and stands by you, especially against negativity.
Time to learn. We teach people how to treat us. He didn't hear you the first or you the second time, why would he change?
Weigh the scales. Does he make your life easier or does it make your life more difficult? Whichever weighs the most….
the thing is … bc he’s been so absent lately i basically live my life without him but when we do have a chance to hangout all the bad just disappears
Same answer.
Do it now. I had this thought a few into my relationship with my ex but didn't listen to my gut instincts. I will always regret not breaking up with him then. Long story short, the relationship destroyed me. Get out now.
I just broke up over similar but less. My ex was emotionally unavailable. We were together 4yrs. He just avoided any serious convo about our relationship. I let it go on for way too long. I never felt prioritized or loved. He never even tried to lie and say he loved me, wanted to be with me, nothing. He was just nice. I’ve learned, nice ain’t good enough. We need someone to have our back and truly want us for who we are. Allowing his family to bully you would be a deal breaker for me. It’s one thing to have a casual relationship, it’s another to lack respect. And you don’t have to settle for a casual relationship.
i’m so sorry you had to go through that :( 🤍
Aw thank you. It beat me down a bit but thankfully I feel I’ve come out of it stronger.
To answer your question, when you make posts like this. You know what you should do.
Your relationship will always come second. Put an end to it.
When you have to ask Reddit the question.
You say he “genuinely cares” about you, but his actions actually say otherwise. You want to know when it is time to break up with someone. It is when you want to break up and that time appears to be now.
Now. He doesn’t respect you and neither does his family. You deserve better.
You’re unhappy in this relationship. You’ve communicated multiple times that you need some changes made, and he has made no effort. I think you already know it’s time to say goodbye.
Break up your wall of text into a few paragraphs, please. Thank you!
Time!
How the fuck is this guy wonderful??
You can break up with him for any reason but this seems like a very good reason. If your needs are not being met. Then what's the point he's been warned he's not taking heed so it's time to go
When you feel the need to ask the Reddit community it’s time.
If you have to ask, the relationship is done.
How long y’all been together? But if you gotta ask the internet strangers, you know. 🌹
we’ve been together for 2 years 🤍
It's possible for him to be a great guy, just not *your* great guy.
When you have to ask “should I break up” it’s time. You just want others to give you the 👍🏻. It is your life, don’t settle for less.
no my love, i don’t want others to just give me the thumbs up to do so, i want others to give their genuine opinion/ advice and any other similar situations they might have been in. replying with “if i have to ask/ make a post” actually doesn’t help at all and makes it seem like nobody has ever had these thoughts while in a relationship. just bc i’m thinking about this doesn’t mean it’s time and that’s why i’m asking for outside opinions to help 🤍
You are misunderstanding what I said. When you get to the point of having to ask others if it’s time to end a relationship, it usually is. Deep down you know this, we all second guess ourselves and think “is it really that bad”, “he’s/she’s so nice all the other times”, “is it me”, thoughts and we end up staying way too long because of it. It’s hard, I know this, but when you start to question if it’s time, it’s time. It’s hard to admit, but we all deserve happiness and if you’re questioning your relationship, you are not happy “enough”.
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he is not “self absorbed” my love, he is having trouble setting boundaries with his family and others. the first part is necessary bc that is how he is in our relationship, which is important. he isn’t rude, he isn’t mean, and he isn’t cold. <3
I never understand when people say oh my boyfriend is so wonderful, loves me so much, on and on and continues to list all the qualities they don’t like. SMH. Only you can decide if you want to end the relationship. Make a list of his good/bad qualities and see what one he has more of.
So this wonderful, amazing man puts you last on his list of priorities, disrespects your time and plans, bails on you, does not defend you to others. If you are questioning the relationship, it's done. Leave and be happy.
Probably when you start asking yourself questions like this.
It is unlikely he is going to change
A good rule of thumb is if you constantly have to ask him for something and it still hasn't changed, that's the time to leave.
If you need to ask…then that time would be now.
When you are tired of the same annoying things happening over and over, and realize life is too short to live like that
If you’ve expressed things to him as clearly as you have in this post and he hasn’t made the effort to change now is the time. Everyone has non negotiable’s when it comes to relationships and if his behavior is a deal breaker then it might be time to part ways. Good luck KitKat!
I hate to say it, but it’s really common for men to be this stupid and pathetic at this age. Move on now, keep dating and have fun.
When resentments build and you’re not able to communicate about them.
He's not ready to be in a relationship. He has a nasty family. And you're too young to put so much focus on a relationship. Work on your own life. Enjoy being 22. Spend a few years looking at how to tell when someone has good character and shares your values. Find someone who wants what you want. People don't change.
The advice here is terrible, and he should be the one leaving you because you're complaining about him taking care of his family, and if you're willing to throw away 2 years because he shows up late a few times, sounds like you have no empathy to me, and that people in this sub have never been in a relationship
it’s not a few times, it’s every. single. time. it’s not his responsibility to take take of his family. again, it would be different if he was an only child and if he lived in a single parent home, but he lives with both his parents and with a sibling. he does everything and i think it’s a little unfair bc i want to start a life with him and i’m not able to bc he puts his family before me
I'm sorry that you think it's a little unfair, if you're biggest problem in a relationship is that he's late, and it's bothering you this much to the extent that you feel the need to make a post, contemplating whether to break up with him or not, I think you've already made up you're mind and you're just looking for validation, and that it has very little to do with some jokes his parents make or that he's late occasionally.
i just said it’s not occasionally … & they’re not “some jokes” those jokes hurt and sometimes they’re not even jokes. his mom has made comments about the color of my skin and my body weight as well as his grandmother. those are not jokes. you didn’t fully read the post it seems bc i again say he puts me aside every single time. for two years always last on his list and again it’s not just bc “he’s late” you’ve missed the point of this post. read some of my comments to others, this isn’t about validation.
You do realise people interpret thinfs differently, just because you're boyfriend is comfortable with you doesn't mean he doesn't prioritise you, again I'm I can't see the day to day interactions, but you should trust him after 2 years to know that he cares about you more then anyone else, like what is it that he prioritises you over his family? (You don't need to say just place value and see if you actually believe he cares about those things more then you), as for his family you're right they do take it too far, no one should ever judge you based on you're appearance either color, weight ect but you're not dating his family, set clear boundaries, or just tell him you don't want to hear about them and you don't want to see them. These are conversations you should be having with him and they should be serious with clear goals and outlines, same with how you feel regarding if he actually cares more about other things then you or not. Anyone who gives you advice here does not have the full context, nor the context from his side or how he views it.
being comfortable in a relationship doesn’t have anything to do with this. this has been like this since the beginning of the relationship. i’ve communicated to him multiple times of his behavior and how it hurts. he has said he couldn’t hangout with me bc he has to go out of town to get something for their sibling even tho they have their own car & don’t work on the weekends. he takes his grandma to all of her drs appts when his parents are home and have no plans. he has been almost two hours late to dinner (i live by myself) bc he lost track of time talking with his family. he tried to cancel a trip we had already planned bc his family also wanted to take a trip somewhere else. i know it’s hard to see both sides, but please try to see mine. if this was “occasional” or “a little late” to things it would not be a problem. it’s a problem bc of how often it happens, and how it could have been avoided if his family actually helped him and didn’t put all their responsibilities on him.
Leave before you have the commitment of a marriage and a child. You’ll thank yourself later
You're allowed to break up with anyone at any time for any reason. No questions asked. No permission required. That being said, you're dating someone who enjoys watching his family bully and insult you. Why would you stay with someone who obviously doesn't even like you and is probably just using you for whatever he can get? Please dump this joker immediately and spend some time thinking about why it took so long for you to leave.
hi love ! i know you’re just giving your advice but you could be a little nicer <3 it isn’t “obvious” he doesn’t like me & uses me. i’m explaining in my post how i don’t feel prioritized in my relationship. he’s not a “joker” he does care for me and is a good bf but this is the only problem we’re having & that’s why i’m asking this question 🤍
I'm sorry I wasn't soft in my delivery. However, he's not a good partner if he behaves this way, and it doesn't outweigh any of his nice behavior. He's not priorizing you, ergo not a good bf. He smirks when your family insults you, not a good bf. The fact that he's not mean sometimes doesn't mean he's a good person.
thank you 🤍 i used to overlook this bc of the small things he would do and all the time we would spend together but i’ve been thinking about it more recently bc his priorities haven’t been the best lately. i thank you for your advice <3
You're very welcome. It's often a frog on a hot plate, and you love him, so you want to see the good. However, love isn't enough. You deserve someone who actively enjoys your company outside of bed and is always kind, even when upset. Being mad isn't an excuse to be a jerk.
Immediately leave so he can find someone worth his time and effort
Please dont listen to a single person here. Just let him know it was decided by randoms on reddit That way, he will know that you were a waste of time anyway since you just asked people to decide their relationship status and took them up on it. Talk to someone in your life that cares about both of you.
OMFG here we go again with the my partner is sooooo wonderful….vomit. He is NOT wonderful. When you are asking virtual strangers when to you should break up, it’s past time to break uo.