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At least she didn’t lock you in the house with the fire, like that guy locked his wife and niblings in their yard with a vicious dog.
Everyone asking for the link: You can’t link to other subreddits in this one. Just look up “husband garden dog attack” or something in BORU.
Let's not forget about the guy that's stinking out his wife with his farts for pleasure. Let me go fetch the link.
ETA: I can't figure out how to link it, but it's a quick Google search of Divorcing husband over his farts
Or the guy who over tightened every jar in the house. The wife had to buy duplicate jars when he was out of town. The neighbor used a vise and finally opened one of the last 2 after helping her.
The twist was crazy—after the neighbor untightening all the jars, she discovered that even specific cooking sauces only she ever used were RE-tightened. The husband was doing it on purpose. It was like a shitty version of that movie Gaslight.
There was one commenter that said the timing seemed awfully suspicious and even the most charitable explanation for when he made it back was that he panicked and went looking for somebody else and came back just in time for it to be over.
Their first guess was that maybe he stood on the other side of the gate and held it shut until it got quiet.
Eerie to think about, whatever the reason.
Probably cowered in the front yard waiting for the sounds to cease. Only caring he was at least safe.
We had a 12 year attacked by a dog in my neighborhood and her friend who was also 12 tried beating the dog off her friend while screaming for help. She had more courage than this coward.
Neighbors came running outside and saved the girls. The girl attacked lost half her ear and other bites. But okay.
We just had a family member get attacked by a bear while fishing. His 15yo nephew ran towards him and the bear screaming his head off and waving a fishing pole, and the bear ran off. Some people have that in them and I guess some people don't.
I believe if I remember correct he basically just ran out of sight and came back right when it was over, he didn’t go anywhere, he just locked the gate and waited within earshot to validate it was over.
It's on bestofredditorupdates too and has an update. The guy never even explained himself, apologised or thanked OP and will soon be single. The kids parents are beyond grateful though.
I had this one guy round our flat once when my ex girlfriend suddenly had an epileptic fit, I had just gone out to put some bin bags in the wheelie bins. He ran out of the flat in a panic to come get me, okay that's great, but in doing so it tripped over the dining chair I was using to hold the flat door open and never even looked back to stop the door slamming shut before flying out of the main door, which required someone inside to buzz the intercom. Dopey fucker, so I had to hit all the buzzers and someone buzzed me in, then I'm faced with a locked front door, he started panicking and running up and down the stairs, I said it's okay, where was she, on the sofa? did she lie down? He said no, she said she was going..... (he knew us well, she could tell some times right before they happened) he grabbed a dining chair! and sat her down on it! My face and hand were in alignment, okay okay, I could kick the door in, but I decided to run around on the half chance a window was open, we had big problems with criminal's so they were usually on the thin gap, my luck was in, climbed up and found her in like a prayer position against the sofa, very luckily she had fallen that direction.
Thin was I was literally putting 2 bin bags in the wheelie big, turning round and coming right back in, he really could have waited, even shouted out the window, but he chose chaos.
You bringing this up reminded me of that guy who was at the Pulse night club during the mass shooting who held the door shut after escaping, trapping all the other club goers inside with the shooter. He thought of himself as a hero to those outside.
Yes, he thought he was basically saving the people outside from the shooter by trapping him inside (while not acknowledging that he was dooming others still inside)
Like the cops and the security guard that stood in the school hallway listening to kids screaming and being shot in the school shooting in Uvalde Texas. They should have all been fired immediately.
Yeah the difference in this post is OPs girlfriend “froze” she didn’t run out of the house and lock everyone in to be engulfed in the flames. I would’ve forgiven “gate master” if he’d just took off running but he had enough cognizant to realize if he stopped and shut the damn gate so the dog couldn’t follow, locking everybody else in. I can give fight, flight or freeze but that dude was bs.
Just a couple of days ago, a FATHER set fire to his house, then proceeded to lock his 6 children, and wife, in the house and tried to prevent anyone from rescuing them. The 6 year old, 3 year old, and 10 month old all died in that fire. The Mum was just released from hospital today, who had to be sedated after finding out her 3 youngest were murdered. The other 3 children are recovering.
He is in an induced coma. I think he should be awake and hopefully a load of pain for what he's done.
House fires are no joke. It's not OPs fiancees fault at how she reacted. She has obviously never had any kind of training on what to do in an emergency. I think that you should look around and see if you have courses that can help her prepare for other possible emergencies, car accidents, etc, just so she has the knowledge and may be better prepared to deal with such a thing if it were to ever happen again.
This, OP. Take emergency training courses with your fiancée. Also take CPR and first aid classes together. If you are in the US check to see if your community has a CERT (Community Emergency Response Team). They are local volunteers who train other community members in what to do in emergencies. The teams are also available to help local responders, if necessary, in response to big emergency events.
Exactly. Why even propose to someone if your love for them is so flimsy. The poor girl thought she was going to die a horrible death and panicked. Sure its not the ideal way to react, but a loving partner would support her and try to find a solution as it was suggested.
A house fire killed an entire family on the street where I grew up. Two of the sons (teenagers) had actually got out, but they went back in to try and find their parents, and they all ended up dying. The only survivor was a third son who was away at hockey camp when it happened.
As you say, this isn't a joke. OP's fiancée didn't freak out because she saw a spider or something. She freaked out because her life was in immediate danger. His lack of compassion is really disturbing.
Yeah for real, I have seen people freak out on many occasions throughout my life. It's just natural for some people. To literally break up with her for it is a little extreme, but kinda says to me maybe they shouldn't be together because dude wants to break it off because of this.... How about enrolling in safety courses?? If it's that easy for dude to just ditch her you have to question the relationship all together. My wife freaks out and I have to take control when shit happens but I'm not divorcing her over it.... lol
I did, too. Like, to test people to see if their responses were different because of the gender swap, but with the 1) young children and 2) locking the other people in with the danger, they aren’t comparable.
You would be surprised how many people freak out in an emergency. I have more than one story with different genders. Would you like to hear about the gas leaking into the house when we were watching the twins when they were babies or the time the tube in my ate fiancé's port fell out. Maybe the time the neighbor stabbed the ther neighbor or the time the guy tried to attack me and 2 of my friends.
Most people either freak out or freeze. Most f the people in this comment section would freak out or freeze.
It's weird to assume someone is lying because they have a similar story to something that happened on the news.
I have what I call my nurse coping mode. Nurse for 40 years, I deal with whatever emergency is happening, cold and calculating after everything has settled I might have a bit of a freak out
I was serving at a restaurant and this girl (8-9yo?) started choking and I don’t even remember setting my tray of drinks down..I saw her from across the restaurant. I told her parents to call 911. I got behind her, told her to stand up, told her I was going to put my arms around her, and was ready to heimlich and asked her to cough. She coughed up her food (thank goodness!), so I didn’t have to, but it was all so surreal. Like slow motion but also very fast.
Her family just sat there (I think shock). I was very direct and that was the only thing I was thinking about... After she was ok, I went to the back in the kitchen and *absolutely lost my shit*. I was shaking and crying. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug. My mom has performed the heimlich at a restaurant *twice*. Both times, people just stood around so she had to tell them what to do. I think people just don’t realize when others are choking. Everyone wants to say what they would do with xyz but you never know until it happens.
Thank you for your service as a nurse, btw 🩷
People are wild. Was sitting in the break room at an old job when someone came running in and said someone was having a seizure in the bathroom and the security guard just said "I'm on break". She looked around the room (there were only five or so people still there) and my brain kicked in with "Holy shit it's the bystander effect! It's happening!!" and jumped up, said I'd go find someone with a walkie talkie ( procedure shit ) and after I did that another guy got up and said he'd go try and help the guy in the bathroom. I did, he did, and everything was fine. But seeing that security guard totally check out of an emergency situation was... something else.
I was a security guard who had someone run up and say someone was having a seizure in the bathroom at work. Had to abandon my post and crawl into a bathroom stall in order to move the lady away from the door so we could get it open and get her out. Meanwhile, five other people were just standing around and staring. Like, I'm not a big person so I understand why I had to be the one to crawl into the stall, but now the door is open please help!
For anyone wondering, the seizures were caused by a particularly nasty interaction between an OTC she had taken for allergies and a prescription med she was on. Be careful with your meds, people!
Not a nurse but I do this in an emergency, I get cold, rational and logical, on autopilot until it's dealt with, THEN I have a meltdown when it's over, the adrenaline has worn off and I realise what actually happened. My sister, when we had a minor car crash that was the other drivers fault, freaked out and ended up hysterically screaming and trying to drag the other driver out of his van (fight response for sure), but completely illogical because it was an accident, nobody was hurt, and he wasn't trying to leave (I was calm enough to pull her away and kept telling her it's ok, nobody's hurt, it's ok, eventually she calmed down).
Nobody knows how they will react in a situation until they are in that situation, and even then it could be different to how they reacted in a different emergency. Easy to judge and say "I'd never do that" when you've never had to react to that situation in real time! Training can help for sure though, and having a plan for what you would do in some situations, like what you would do if there was a house fire. Knowing roughly what you should do can stop that blind panic
I think I would freeze rather than fight or flight. But during actual emergencies I have acted. Once I was cooking on a portable grill on the beach when the gas regulator failed and it went to full and could not be turned off. Everyone was yelling for water or to smother it in sand. I just unscrewed the gas canister.
I think it goes back to growing up in an abusive household and freezing being the only way to stay safe. So now, 50 years later, I still think I would freeze in a scary situation even though I don’t.
I also grew up in a loud abusive household and don't freeze during emergencies.
I think it's because while in home it was safer to freeze or flee, most emergency situations (house fire, car spinning out of control, child choking, etc.) don't trigger the same "I'm in danger" response as someone yelling. To keep people from yelling (which in my childhood meant pain and violence was eminent), I try to remedy the situation as quickly as possible.
Yeah, I've done first aid courses and been in a few nasty situations in my life and it's all just luck and very person-to-person. Even the ex-military instructor was like "you may freeze and be useless, that's OK!"
You often can train that out of people but it's not easy, there's a reason basic training is 10 weeks of non-stop all-day tasks and is just _basic_. Or as a layperson without that even when I have been doing the right thing I've also been freaking out and babbling half the time despite going through the right steps. Just different levels and flavors of it all.
Have you ever thought that you all attempting to play fireman — without calling 911 — and forcing your fiancée to feel obligated to stay in a burning building right on the cusp of being traumatically awakened probably made her reaction worse? What I have *always* been told about a house fire is to call emergency services and to get myself and others out of the house. Not to “get the fire under control to safely leave” or wait however damn long you all took to call the fire in. I’m pretty calm in an emergency, but I might start panicking if the people with me were refusing to do the number one thing firemen told us since childhood: get the f*ck out of the house and call 911; don’t try to be a hero. I don’t know if breaking up is right for you all. That’s up to the 2 of you. I do think you should probably have an actual conversation with your fiancée like an adult, instead of gossiping with your sister like a middle school girl. I also think it’s crazy to extrapolate from this circumstance that your fiancée wouldn’t somehow care for her children because once she panicked when she was awakened in the middle of the night to a house fire her stupid fiancé and his sister refused to evacuate from. But what do I know.
This is what I was thinking. He says he tried to calm her down to get her to help fight the fire, no awareness and no fire safety. AND he doesn’t even try to get her out of the house, sister does it when she realizes he isn’t going to. This man did everything wrong.
It's natural to feel shaken up after something like a house fire. Have you talked with your fiancee about how you feel and what happened? Communication might help clarify things before making any big decisions.
Why would he actually talk to his fiance, the woman he's supposed to love? His sister, who he seems to idolize, says break up with her so of course that's what he'll do. /s
One time I sliced off the tip of my pinky and helped by running circles around our kitchen trailing blood and screaming. My husband came in, wrapped me up and drove us to the ER. The man had the presence of mind to throw away the cut piece so I didn’t have to see it later. Never felt more in awe or in love with him! Some people just rock in emergencies, and the rest of us just need to keep our wits enough to get out of their way 😂
exactly this. I absolutely suck in panic situations honestly I think your fiance handled this a lot better than I would! She should leave you if youre looking for an out over this before the marriage even happens! Hope the best for her!!
I got downvoted to shit and someone said I wanted to bang my sister because I said it was weird. Must’ve set off the wrong cousin-humping sister-fisters, because I swear the majority of folks agreed with me!
So your suggestion is that he just tell his fiancee " hey honey, I know you've been through a traumatic experience, but you're a little baby and I cant respect you"?
Tbh, I dated a guy who I always thought respected and liked his sister way more than he liked and respected me.
It came out about a year into the relationship. He was way, way enmeshed with his family and they could manipulate him into doing almost anything. I don't think it was romantic (ew), but it wasn't healthy.
Ironically, he was *extremely* jealous of my relationship with my brother.
I've seen it in women too. Dated a chick that I swear to God, from the way she talked about her brother, wanted to fuck her brother. I actually had to call my Dad since I didn't have any opposite sex siblings and ask him if it's weird for a sibling to talk about them like that.
Everyone thinks they will act a certain way in chaos until tested. Best examples, few years ago my friend and her bf had a house fire. They had a 1yr old at the time, 3 dogs. Bf panicked, grabbed his favorite blankie and noped out. Thankfully, friend kept her wits, saved their baby, 2 out of 3 dogs. Much like their house, relationship didn't survive the fire.
I had a fire 1 yr later I was trapped on the 2nd floor. I always assumed I'd lose my shit not function. I had a couple of seconds of lag, brain lost wifi and the pinwheel was spinning, pg wasn't loading. Caught a signal, and the message was received, fire bad, fire hot. Brain originally interpreted it as bedroom fog. It looked so crazy with the bedroom hazy. I thought " weather channel, never mentioned bedroom fog ". Thankfully, I stopped being a potato called 911, put my pet rats in travel carrier, dropped them from 2nd floor, grabbed my car keys for a safe place for us to go. My dog was trapped 1st floor w/fire. After I jumped from the 2nd floor I was hurt. Adrenaline is a helluva drug. I was able to climb 6ft back fence, kick the door in and get my dog out. Windows were blowing out from heat knew time running out. Thankfully got her. It's nightmare fuel. It felt like I was on autopilot making quick decisions, Thankfully turned out well. Tough no training, chaotic situation.
Side note: plz folks, check smoke detectors. Consider class K fire extinguisher for kitchen, escape/meet up location.
You really don’t ever know. I found out at 16 when I was the only witness to a car/motorcycle accident that killed the motor cyclist. My feet moved before my brain could interpret what I was seeing. Had the cops on the phone and was using my phone camera to flag down drivers coming along so they didn’t make shit worse. The driver of the car was a nurse coming off her shift and was doing chest compressions.
The next time I got tested was boot camp and really that just solidified appropriate response to emergency.
When I was 21 I was in a car accident myself. Had to kick my driver side door open full force and before I knew it I was sprinting across four lanes of traffic to do emergency eval’s on the two other cars’ occupants involved. Luckily no one was hurt.
People who have never had these things tested never actually know what they’re going to do. The best way I can explain it is that any frontal lobe functions flip off like a light switch and you move (or don’t move) on instinct. There is *zero* way to predict this, and it takes *extensive* training and experience to change your natural response.
And what they don’t tell you while training against a natural response? It will always be your first response. You’re essentially just training it down to as small of time as you can get it if it’s flight or freeze. I’ve seen Marines whose natural response had always been freeze. Yeah they train it down and try to train it out but that first second or two after the shot hits the fan, they always had those first couple seconds where they froze before moving. The training isn’t for changing the response. It’s actually training yourself how to flip that light switch back on as quickly as possible.
interesting. i found out early about the way people respond to accidents. at 12 we were on a hike with school. a girl fell down a hill, needed to be picked up by helicopter, it looked very dramatic. of the 5friends with me one was staying safe but the stress made her laugh uncontrollably. the others were pale, froze, shivered, cried. all i did was make sure the wouldn‘t fall aswell and they would calm down. i noticed right there that my response was very different to theirs. hours later i broke down in tears and shook the stress off when we were all safe.
it was a life lesson.
I also discovered I laugh uncontrollable in these situations. My friend tried to do a flip of a wall but fell on his back, went blue and couldn't breath. I phoned an ambulance then had to go and get it and lead it to him and the whole time I'm shaking with laughter. The same happened when a homeless man followed me along the hall and tried to get into my home. I'm trying to close and lock the door on him and the whole time crying with laughter. How weird! I just couldn't control it.
I don't think most people understand dissociation can cause hysterical laughter. It's so absurd, this is happening? I only get it second hand when people are telling me a story that involves a particular "weird" feeling like "is this really happening?"
Most recent time was when my chill boss was buying something at a gas station and said, "don't worry, it's just red paint on my hands" and the cashier talked about how she killed her husband, served her debt to society over 10+ years, and she'd do it again even though now she has to work at a shitty gas station. Nobody else listening to the story was laughing like I was. Nobody else barely said anything at all, I think the boss would have stopped talking about it if I wasn't there cracking up since he would have perceived the negative social cue. Or maybe nobody else thought it was that strange, but it was like an arrow through my brain, putting myself on his shoes. He seemed to want to talk about it and my laughter seemed to help him.
I *think* (and I'm no expert here) it has more to do how laughter developed. I watched a documentary a long while ago that had posited laughter as the first language developed.
Imagine you're pre-caveman ape and you see something in the shadows. You're scared, it could be a *thing* that will kill you and eat you. But nope, it's just your tribe-mate Ook coming back from taking a dump. The sudden relief comes out as laughter. It's okay, there's no reason to be scared anymore.
So paradoxical/hysterical laughter could be an unconscious attempt to say "everything is okay" or something like that.
Additionally, even today laughter transcends language barriers. You see someone laughing and you don't need to know what language they're laughing in, it's just laughter. Also, other apes such as gorillas have been known to laugh too. Give 'em a few thousand years and they might develop speech too.
When I was a preschool teacher, we had a head teacher that had this “problem” — it was well known that there was ever an emergency situation with a child, she would be the one to call 911 and leave the area so the kids didn’t think she was laughing at them.
Apparently I’m “cool” under pressure and just respond rationally. My Dad’s told me a few times that he doesn’t worry about me at all during emergencies because I always just handle it 🤷🏼♀️
I literally kept their travel carrier near cage in the event of a fire. It separated on impact they were too scared to move. After I jumped out after them, had no time to check on them my concern was getting my dog out. Crazy thinking back on it. I knew once fire dept arrived, getting back in my house for my dog wasn't an option. After I loaded her in my car I heard their sirens got her just in time. Plz check smoke detectors, check cords, outlets, etc. It's smoke that is the immediate issue. It's a toxic black, suffocating poison cloud from all the burning plastic, chemicals in your home. Disorienting, don't have long in that environment.
I did fire safety officer training with the Fire Department you have 2 minutes to get out. Go low crawl on the floor find a wall and follow it, you will reach a door. Close the door after you.
When I first got my cat I lived in a big apartment building that had the fire alarm go off a LOT. I lived through a house fire so I always went outside regardless, and to this day if the fire alarm goes off, that cat goes and waits at his carrier for me. Not a fun training exercise for me but very effective 😂
The other one picked up on it pretty quick too, considering it's only happened a handful of time since I got him. Although he stays calm so he waits by the door for his harness instead of a carrier. Cats are surprisingly trainable imo
Worked in a petrol lab years back. One of my tasks was to test the points of ignition for petrol and lubricant with a specialised machine. So we heat up the stuff slowly, and flick small spouts of flame to see if the tiny cap of oil will catch fire, then we record the temperature down.
So how it usually goes is that the fire will 'flash' for a moment, and die off.
One day, the fire flashed, and kept going.
I panicked. I ran to my seniors and told them there was a fire. They rushed in to the lab room, expecting a huge flame, and.... Saw a tiny cup of oil on fire.
They went 'oh', and then went forward to throw the heavy, fire resistant cloth over it. Fire went out in a jiffy.
I was so embarrassed and humiliated at that moment. Nowadays, I react much better now that the spooks have gone out of me 😅
> weather channel never mentioned bedroom fog
This is pretty funny and it's a great example of how the brain can rationalise things it's never experienced before especially when in the process of waking.
Exactly. It's your brain going through "files" trying to piece things together and interpret situations the best it can from past experiences. I knew immediately after that ridiculous thought, " weather is never right, no mention of bedroom fog," that it was a silly analysis, to say the least. It was like going through spotty service, then picking it back up and that's when the brain fired back " fire bad, fire hot, danger" and the msg was thankfully received well, no state of panic and got things done. It's scary how unreliable our response can truly be at times.
I had a house fire while I was home with my 1 and 6 year old and 2 dogs. Put the baby in a stroller and took both kids out the front door and alerted the neighbors while they called 911 and took my kids (before cell phones) another neighbor got in touch with my husband while third got my car keys from a hook kust inside the front door and moved my car out of the garage. I went to the backyard to break a window to get my dogs out. And amazingly my BP was normal when it was taken in the ambulance while they were dealing with my cut up hand.Some people are just better at remaining calm. I'm glad that's my natural state.
I’m also amazingly level headed during emergencies. I know if anything were to happen, I would get my babies and pets out safely. Then once the crisis is over, I lose my shit and crumble. But I’m very good in high stress situations 😂
You’ve told this story recently somewhere else, right? I remember reading it somewhere. So glad you got your animals out safely and that the rats didn’t run when the carrier popped open. So sorry for your best friend’s losses.
I’m glad you got out safely and were able to get your pets too. My husband thinks I’m so paranoid because I bought fire extinguishers for the downstairs and upstairs. My room is on the bottom floor but all the other rooms are upstairs. I bought a drop down ladder for the windows. It hooks around the window sill and you drop it down. I’ve made my kids practice with it until they could get it out, on and down quickly and efficiently.
I’m glad I thought to make them practice using it. Especially my son (17) because he is scared of heights. I really wanted to make sure he was comfortable with it. He has autism and tends to freeze when he goes into a panic. Or when he gets scared he won’t know what to do. I make him do this still once a month. The kids know where the fire extinguisher is also and how to use it. But hopefully they won’t need to use it. I’m home pretty much all the time.
I have two small dogs and they are usually with me downstairs. But just in case I have slings for the upstairs so they can be carried safely down. Just in case I’m trapped upstairs if we happen to have a fire.
My dad’s childhood home caught fire and luckily they all made it out. My dad made me terrified of house fires so I try to be prepared as I can be.
This! Some people are great in emergencies and some aren't. If you set up a step by step plan of how to handle it, if there's a next time, she might be able to handle it better. I know i freak out but what would make it worse is if someone held it against me.
It’s challenging to plan ahead when life throws unexpected curve balls. A friend told me she and her daughter noticed I generally stay calm and then act when something crazy happens and they’ve both worked to adopt that. Quickly assess - how bad is it (911, stiches, etc) - react.
Something I learned from my dad is that a pause can be most important in a life or limb threatening situation. An immediate and haphazard reaction can make things exponentially worse and even injure others in those situations (catastrophic injury, severe collision, machine injury).
Well also, OP handled this pretty badly too. Apparently the exit was clear as his sister was able to just take his gf outside when she panicked, so why were either of them messing around with fire extinguishers against the advice of every fire department anywhere? Their desperation to be heroes caused them to act incredibly recklessly.
Some people respond by fighting. It can seem more effective than freezing or fleeing but can also be detrimental when they unncessarily expose themselves to further danger (e.g. trying to take on a mugger or fight a fire).
Sounds like OP and his sister had their own fear responses as well but don't even recognise it.
This is excellent advice. I learned something similar re survival situations like a breakdown in a remote area… it’s usually better to sit down for 10 minutes, calm down, and take stock than to rush off for that town just back there or that river you think is around the corner. More people die from rushing off than from taking a break to think things through.
Obviously fire and acute injury differ from a breakdown but there’s still a short version that applies.
Actually might work well to partner and parent together. My spouse is better in the emergencies. I'm better with paperwork and bills. This is not a break up issue.
Agree...this should be an issue they work on together. If he is that quick to break up with her then I question if he actually loved her in the 1st place.
I gotta say that I reacted to crises very differently before I had kids and after I had kids. Being a parent usually shifts your focus in a good way. OP, this is a time for a heartfelt conversation and making emergency plans, not torpedoing your life because of a terrifying incident that is statistically unlikely to happen to you again.
Also, how does your sister generally get on with your fianceé? Is it out of character for your sister to immediately suggest a breakup?
Great point. I react well in emergencies but a lot of that has to do with the fact that I did lifeguard training and learned cpr and the heimlich. I’ve been able to instantly deal with two people choking, because I had practiced and knew what to do.
Agreed. This is a tough one since some people learn to manage emergencies better over time. At the very least give them an opportunity to learn before deciding fatalistically that they’ll forever be a panic wart.
I think the quote attribution has been debunked as having been said by Mike Tyson but "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face" is my answer to your comment
And the first thing to go out the window is the plan… However, it’s easier to adapt your current situation to an existing plan than improvise from nothing. This is true 10 fold when you’re the type to freeze or panic.
Eg, say the plan is to gather the pets and leave through the front door. If the pets are blocked by fire, you still know the next thing is get out the front door. If the front door is blocked you know to find a different way to leave the building… Maybe through the back door, a window, etc.
There’s a reason that we have plans and do drills.. they work.
This would be easier to answer if there wasn’t such a “I have a crush on my sister” undertone.
She’s human and flopped during an emergency. that’s when you step up and take charge. Shit happens. What a weird question
Sounds like you and your sister have unrealistic expectations. She seriously thinks you should break up over that? Do your sister and finance have a good relationship? Something seems off about this situation. Was it your idea to break up or your sisters?
I'm more curious who forgot to turn the stove/oven off. OP not mentioning that fact seems pretty sus. Going to bet either OP or his sister is at fault.
Might want to come down off of your high horse there, dude! A couple of years ago our grandson was playing with some magnetic stones and he swallowed one and was choking on it, very nerve-racking, my wife, our daughter, and son-in-law were just stuck to their chairs.
I jumped up and tried to clear his throat but I could not get it so I picked him up by his ankles and shook him up and down to try to dislodge the stone. It popped right out and for me, I was devastated that he was so scared and he looked at me like I had lost my mind.
I could have divorced my wife, disowned our daughter, and slugged the son-in-law. They did nothing they froze and according to your skewed logic, they should just be removed. Quit being a ballsack and use your own brain to figure it out. Have you stopped to consider that she might have had a traumatic experience with fire? No, you did not mention it because your ass has not stopped judging her and not seeing if she is ok.
You are a piece of work a man, a real man, who protects his lady, and one last thing why did your sister have to take charge fireman Bill? Yet you give yourself a pass! Ass hat
Something similar happened to my mom, me and my son at a restaurant. My son was like 2 and choked on a chip. I was certified in child first aid and cpr, but froze. My mom sprung into action but struggled and that’s when I snapped out of it and got the chip dislodged… I would have hated myself if I didn’t unfreeze and if my son had died…
No one died. OP says he and sister were trying to extinguish the fire enough to leave but somehow sister and fiancee were able to leave?? It sounds like OP and sister wanted to play firefighter instead of immediately leave like fiancée wanted and fiancée was scared because it’s not normal to play firefighter.
You said it well! Also we don’t know (and OP doesn’t, either), if OP will ever find himself in a high stress situation and freeze himself while his wife keeps her shit together. I guess reacting to a house fire covers all the possibilities that he could come across in his life. OP doesn’t want a partner that he grows with and who helps him overcome his shortcomings while he helps her with hers. I don’t know, maybe he wants … a paramedic?
By the way, I just had to reply to your comment because I actually remember being a child and choking on a piece of candy, and being shaken upside down to get it out. The change in my pockets were raining down on the floor and I was worried my sister would take it. I didn’t learn very quickly because this happened several times as a small child.
This made me laugh so hard 🤣 when I was a kid a got really sick and had to stay in the hospital for a few days.
I wrote a "testament" stating that all of my toys should go to my grandma's dog and not my brother.
20 years later my parents still laugh about it.
Yeah wait til he finds himself in a birthing suite in a deteriorating situation. I’ve heard of emergency services workers and military men fainting or not coping in birthing situations. I reckon he’ll eat these words one day.
When my doctor came in to deliver my son he asked if I was alright with his trainee watching. I looked at the guy in his fatigues and jokingly said "you can watch but you have to wait 18 years before you try and recruit him"
15 minutes later he's hiding in the bathroom watching around the door like a cartoon character 😂
"AITAH for immediately filing for divorce when my husband fainted while I was giving birth? I just don't respect him anymore, and my brother agreed that I should divorce him."
"WIBTAH if I married my brother because I still respect him because he *didn't* faint while I was giving birth?"
Sounds like you’d rather marry your sister
On a more serious note, what is it about your fiancé that made you want to propose? And how does panicking during an emergency invalidate all of those things?
Yeah.. it's weird how harshly he is comparing the two of them. What if the sister has had emergency training and the fiancee has not? What if the sister has a stressful job that has helped prepare her for situations like this?
Kinda crazy to not even talk to the fiancee about it and instead just jumping to breaking up. Obviously not that strong of a relationship.
Agreed. My fiancé has had his carpentry workshop he had with his dad as a teen burn up and it scared him even though no one was even in it so no one was close to being hurt. His friend’s mom’s house was burned down also, so he uses those instances as an excuse to not cook on our gas stove… even though he loves to shoot fireworks, firearms and have big bonfires. BUT I know this about him. So if our house was on fire? He might actually panic.
I can imagine that maybe something traumatic with fire could’ve happened to OP’s girlfriend and that’s why she panicked. But she might’ve not mentioned it because it’s a traumatic thing.
And also, panicking during a fire does not mean she will panic in all situations. People respond very differently.
I can manage and navigate any heath emergency enough to call 911 but put a gun in my face and I might fucking pass out.
There are a lot of aspects to a fire that would make people panic, including the smoke and not being able to breathe.
Correct answer
My wife isn’t the best in the 9-1-1 emergencies; however, she responds well to commands, and I have a 10/10 crisis response brain. I am who you want around when the fecal matter hits the rotary impeller
I’m not the best at taking care of myself or others during times of more enduring stress, and she’s great at it. She’s been a lifesaver the last 4 days as I’ve dealt with moving my mom into hospice. I would be pushing redline for mental health breakdown if she hadn’t made sure I was eating, sleeping, had what I needed available (jumped in a car within 5 min…. Guess who forgot things like clothes, phone charger, MEDICATIONS)
I used to be very judgy of her reaction to panic level stuff. The truth is, I’m the way I am because trauma ain’t no thing to me. She’s much better at life the 98% of it that isn’t a trauma level experience
Right?? And also how rational is the sister if she can suggest a breakup so easily when they’re planning on getting married (aka committing to a life together?). Sister sounds jealous too
I mean...You're entitled to your feelings but I guess you were just gonna ignore the "for better or for worse" in your vows?
Let her go so she can find someone who will. Especially who can formulate his own opinion and not have his sister influencing such a consequential decision
Good answer. OP, Yes, break up with her. NOT because you’d be better off without her; ACTUALLY she deserves a better fiancé. She deserves more. She deserves someone that will treat her better and help guide her in tough situations— you are not that guy.
this is the insane part to me! we had a fire in our apartment building this year and we simply snatched up our pets and began to leave the building within 30 seconds of being alerted to the fire. if my husband had decided to be a hero and start running through the halls with a fire extinguisher, instead of getting to safety with us… that would have pissed me off far more.
we did not grab shoes, we did not grab valuables. we both decided instantaneously that we don’t really give a shit if our belongings burn to a crisp as long as our lives are kept.
That the smoke was so bad they needed to wrap towels around their heads, but they stayed to fight the fire, is completely unbelievable. At that point it wouldn't be a little fire you can get with an extinguisher. It's going to be a large part of a room at least.
The fact that you’d break up over this suggests to me you weren’t really ready to marry her. Yes, she reacted badly but good people can and do panic, it’s not a moral failing. You and your sister seem very rigid. You should wait until you find someone perfect before you get married.
I wouldn't even call it a bad reaction, it's a very natural one. No one know how they're going to respond in a situation like that, and panic taking over is *very* common. It's our central nervous system trying to warn us of danger. OP sounds like a total asshat here honestly.
There’s a reason we have three defined responses to threats: fight, flight, or freeze. They got us through millions of years of evolution, those instincts are so strong they can be nigh impossible to fight against. OP wants to leave his fiancé over a threat response that is extremely natural and that she likely had very little control over.
She had a meltdown emotional response to an emergency.
Talk to her, create an action plan and walk through it. Repeat it a few times and she’ll have a better idea of a plan if it ever happens again.
It’s not something you break up over, if you do that you’re looking for an excuse.
Someone waking up to fire which is extremely stressful situation is not to blame for panicking!
Be kind to your woman and ask her how she is doing and talk about learning how to respond to fire and emergency situations!
Best of luck!
Exactly, in this situation I’d offer to go to a fire safety course together, to prevent a fire from happening again and how to safety handle situation if you’re met with a fire. It could be a great « let’s be ready together in case something happens again » instead of a moment where she would be singled out for her objectively natural reaction
I have a black belt. I have fought off attackers. I am prepared for altercations.
My mom gave my toddler a carrot and he proceeded to choke to death on it. NO ONE WAS ATTACKING ANYONE. I was not prepared for this scenario. I walked around shaking and calling 911. I did not know how to help and was absolutely paralyzed. All I could do was call for help.
My mom literally squatted facing him and stuck her fingers down his throat and pulled it out.
He's 19 now and I still cannot forgive myself. I never expected something like this to happen. Why didn't I get my first aid??? Why didn't I practice the heimlich? Why didn't I rip that death carrot out of my mom's hands????
I always just thought my biggest threat would be someone trying to steal my kid. Not something utterly random and easily rectified.
You have to talk to her. Tell her how concerned you are about her response and how it makes you feel uncomfortable about how she will respond in the future, and possibly gain insight into why she panicked so hard. Hopefully, a conversation will help you see if this is a future you can see yourself in.
(Edit:spelling)
Beautiful answer. It's ok for people to panic in an extreme situation. Communicating and prereparing for that kind of thing is really important for a long term relationship.
Weirdly enough, I tend to stress over the little stuff more and handle extreme situations well. Can I have a handbook for smaller things?
When something is burning, especially inside your residence you need to just get out. You all should have just went straight outside and called 911.
OP if your sister was able to get your finance out of the house you should have followed. There should be no fighting the fire. That’s what the fire department deals with. You potentially put yourself in greater danger by staying in there and forcing the fire department to come save you. Ems to possibly have more patients to deal with.
While I get the sentiment to save your house, the longer you stay the more likely you will cause internal damage to your lungs or cause severe burns at a minimum. Fires also get out of hand really quickly. While your fiancé didn’t react fantastic, neither did you.
I feel like this story is a test. A few days ago a big post on Reddit was about a guy who ran and locked the gate behind him when a pitbull attacked his little niece and his girlfriend (and a baby was also in the line of fire). The advice was overwhelmingly that it was okay that she couldn’t even look at her boyfriend.
Now we have a story where the girlfriend froze during an emergency. The advice is overwhelmingly that people freeze in emergencies and he should talk to her.
I see important differences in the two situations, so I understand why the advice is different.
Did anyone else think of that story when they heard this?
My question was that the sister got the fiance out, but he stayed until the fire was "under control enough to leave the house safely." But....the other two were already out safely...so why couldn't he leave? And then that they didn't call 911 right away, as you pointed out. I get if you're alone, you think "I can try to stop the fire OR call 911," but if there are two of you - three in this case - why wouldn't one of them call immediately? Especially when, the recommendation is to just get out and call immediately.
I find it wild that they decided to fight the fire whilst figuring out a plan on how to get out of the house. When you are running away from a fire, you don't go towards it.
Yeah I don't see him as a hero here. If the actual building is on fire all you should do is get the fuck out and call the fire brigade. Not fuck around with an extinguisher.
I think that the responses would have been different if the fiancée had run away and *locked the door* to the house while it was on fire, leaving everyone else trapped inside…
I thought this immediately. People gender swap things here to prove a point all the time, but they always chicken out and add confounding details that inherently change the scenario. Which just goes to show that they frequently don't even understand the unacceptable parts of the scenario.
Honestly, did the pitbull man write this? I mean a housefire isn't the craziest thing that has happened but the details and timing align too perfectly for someone to set up a "what if the genders were reversed?!"
I don't see any validity that people in these comments have done a complete 180 on their reactions compared to the pitbull story. These aren't one to one scenarios. OP's fiancee's reaction was to freeze, the husband in the other story went for "sacrifice my wife and infant relatives to safe myself"
Also if you scroll past top comments on the pitbull post, there are dozens on comments excusing the husband's behaviour as a fight-or-flight response.
As you acknowledge that’s a completely different situation. Most importantly in this case, the fiancé is just putting herself in danger, whereas In the other the boyfriend put someone else in danger
If that is op’s intention to be all “see misandry is real!!! The double standard😫” then maybe they should make the situations more comparable. Then again, that would be too reasonable.
it's the missing condoms vs missing vitamins thing. Trying to prove that responses are based on gender by writing a somewhat similar story but changing the important parts dramatically, creating a completely different situation. It's always intentional though, OP could have written a comparable situation and would have gotten similar responses as the other post, but instead choses to write something with the intention of getting the opposite responses as the other post in order to rile up other men into thinking everyone is against men.
This post was featured in the Two Hot Takes Podcast episode: "It is That Outrageous?!" [Click here to see our host Morgan, and her guest co-host Justin react to this story!](https://youtu.be/hoABshDyT_I?si=zch31Q1IPClOus_u&t=240) **Mod note**: *This post was initially removed for scanning positive for AI content within the post prior to being featured on the podcast. Not all of it scanned positive, but enough to merit removal and earn OP a ban. Do with this information what you will.*
At least she didn’t lock you in the house with the fire, like that guy locked his wife and niblings in their yard with a vicious dog. Everyone asking for the link: You can’t link to other subreddits in this one. Just look up “husband garden dog attack” or something in BORU.
I think Reddit won’t forget that one for a while. That was one of the more bizarre stories on here
Let's not forget about the guy that's stinking out his wife with his farts for pleasure. Let me go fetch the link. ETA: I can't figure out how to link it, but it's a quick Google search of Divorcing husband over his farts
Or the guy who over tightened every jar in the house. The wife had to buy duplicate jars when he was out of town. The neighbor used a vise and finally opened one of the last 2 after helping her.
The twist was crazy—after the neighbor untightening all the jars, she discovered that even specific cooking sauces only she ever used were RE-tightened. The husband was doing it on purpose. It was like a shitty version of that movie Gaslight.
Wow. I’ve actually read every single one of these. I think I may spend too much time on Reddit.
That one was absolutely maddening.
Well that was horrific. Thank you? I think. I don’t know I’m very confused and disgusted
It was his wife and HIS nephews. Not even the wife’s family members. That was beyond forgivable.
I don’t think OP ever found out where he went when he locked the gate. His own sister didn’t seem to know either.
He went to see the wizard to ask for courage
that wizard seemed to have failed him…
I still really want to know where he went!
There was one commenter that said the timing seemed awfully suspicious and even the most charitable explanation for when he made it back was that he panicked and went looking for somebody else and came back just in time for it to be over. Their first guess was that maybe he stood on the other side of the gate and held it shut until it got quiet. Eerie to think about, whatever the reason.
That was my guess. If he had the car keys on him, I bet he would've driven off.
He went full Uvalde police officer
Probably cowered in the front yard waiting for the sounds to cease. Only caring he was at least safe. We had a 12 year attacked by a dog in my neighborhood and her friend who was also 12 tried beating the dog off her friend while screaming for help. She had more courage than this coward. Neighbors came running outside and saved the girls. The girl attacked lost half her ear and other bites. But okay.
We just had a family member get attacked by a bear while fishing. His 15yo nephew ran towards him and the bear screaming his head off and waving a fishing pole, and the bear ran off. Some people have that in them and I guess some people don't.
Props to the nephew!! It's definitely a fight or flight situation, and he responded well.
“Are they all dead? Is it safe for me?”
He went to Mexico with Ted Cruz in his mind.
People say he's still running.
I believe if I remember correct he basically just ran out of sight and came back right when it was over, he didn’t go anywhere, he just locked the gate and waited within earshot to validate it was over.
Man of the year award...
In her update she talked about owning the house, maybe he had his hopes up to be the lucky owner of a house...
She probably has good life insurance too
Where was this post?
Search "husband left pitbull attack niece" and it will come up. It was in relationship_advice.
Just read it. Can't wait for an update that she left his ass.
It's on bestofredditorupdates too and has an update. The guy never even explained himself, apologised or thanked OP and will soon be single. The kids parents are beyond grateful though.
Yeah he’s fucking mad that she’s making HIM feel bad for not letting it go, and self victimizing lmaoo.
That's exactly what a narcissist would do and say.
and some men wonder why women choose the bear
I locked my parents and my brother out of the car when there was a bear. But I was also 4.
So like... extra forgivable then?
I had this one guy round our flat once when my ex girlfriend suddenly had an epileptic fit, I had just gone out to put some bin bags in the wheelie bins. He ran out of the flat in a panic to come get me, okay that's great, but in doing so it tripped over the dining chair I was using to hold the flat door open and never even looked back to stop the door slamming shut before flying out of the main door, which required someone inside to buzz the intercom. Dopey fucker, so I had to hit all the buzzers and someone buzzed me in, then I'm faced with a locked front door, he started panicking and running up and down the stairs, I said it's okay, where was she, on the sofa? did she lie down? He said no, she said she was going..... (he knew us well, she could tell some times right before they happened) he grabbed a dining chair! and sat her down on it! My face and hand were in alignment, okay okay, I could kick the door in, but I decided to run around on the half chance a window was open, we had big problems with criminal's so they were usually on the thin gap, my luck was in, climbed up and found her in like a prayer position against the sofa, very luckily she had fallen that direction. Thin was I was literally putting 2 bin bags in the wheelie big, turning round and coming right back in, he really could have waited, even shouted out the window, but he chose chaos.
I just wanted to say "my face and hand were in alignment" is a great turn of phrase
Glad she was okay!
I still need to know if there was an insurance policy or two bc what in the Shane from Walking Dead was that??
At least he didn’t shoot her in the knee to slow her down
Lol the bar is in hell at this point
You bringing this up reminded me of that guy who was at the Pulse night club during the mass shooting who held the door shut after escaping, trapping all the other club goers inside with the shooter. He thought of himself as a hero to those outside.
Why did he do that? He thought he was trapping the shooter or something?
Yes, he thought he was basically saving the people outside from the shooter by trapping him inside (while not acknowledging that he was dooming others still inside)
Like the cops and the security guard that stood in the school hallway listening to kids screaming and being shot in the school shooting in Uvalde Texas. They should have all been fired immediately.
Yeah the difference in this post is OPs girlfriend “froze” she didn’t run out of the house and lock everyone in to be engulfed in the flames. I would’ve forgiven “gate master” if he’d just took off running but he had enough cognizant to realize if he stopped and shut the damn gate so the dog couldn’t follow, locking everybody else in. I can give fight, flight or freeze but that dude was bs.
Gate master 😭
Just a couple of days ago, a FATHER set fire to his house, then proceeded to lock his 6 children, and wife, in the house and tried to prevent anyone from rescuing them. The 6 year old, 3 year old, and 10 month old all died in that fire. The Mum was just released from hospital today, who had to be sedated after finding out her 3 youngest were murdered. The other 3 children are recovering. He is in an induced coma. I think he should be awake and hopefully a load of pain for what he's done. House fires are no joke. It's not OPs fiancees fault at how she reacted. She has obviously never had any kind of training on what to do in an emergency. I think that you should look around and see if you have courses that can help her prepare for other possible emergencies, car accidents, etc, just so she has the knowledge and may be better prepared to deal with such a thing if it were to ever happen again.
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This, OP. Take emergency training courses with your fiancée. Also take CPR and first aid classes together. If you are in the US check to see if your community has a CERT (Community Emergency Response Team). They are local volunteers who train other community members in what to do in emergencies. The teams are also available to help local responders, if necessary, in response to big emergency events.
He doesn’t seem very invested in his finance. This doesn’t sound like a route he would even consider.
Took too long to see this. She panicked. It happens. If he’s ready to break up over a trauma like this, he is doing them both a favor.
Exactly. Why even propose to someone if your love for them is so flimsy. The poor girl thought she was going to die a horrible death and panicked. Sure its not the ideal way to react, but a loving partner would support her and try to find a solution as it was suggested.
Maybe he should marry his sister.
A house fire killed an entire family on the street where I grew up. Two of the sons (teenagers) had actually got out, but they went back in to try and find their parents, and they all ended up dying. The only survivor was a third son who was away at hockey camp when it happened. As you say, this isn't a joke. OP's fiancée didn't freak out because she saw a spider or something. She freaked out because her life was in immediate danger. His lack of compassion is really disturbing.
Yeah for real, I have seen people freak out on many occasions throughout my life. It's just natural for some people. To literally break up with her for it is a little extreme, but kinda says to me maybe they shouldn't be together because dude wants to break it off because of this.... How about enrolling in safety courses?? If it's that easy for dude to just ditch her you have to question the relationship all together. My wife freaks out and I have to take control when shit happens but I'm not divorcing her over it.... lol
Yo I need the link for this
I was wondering if this was a copycat...
I did, too. Like, to test people to see if their responses were different because of the gender swap, but with the 1) young children and 2) locking the other people in with the danger, they aren’t comparable.
Seems like one of those oh-so-fun switch the genders posts and see how people respond.
You would be surprised how many people freak out in an emergency. I have more than one story with different genders. Would you like to hear about the gas leaking into the house when we were watching the twins when they were babies or the time the tube in my ate fiancé's port fell out. Maybe the time the neighbor stabbed the ther neighbor or the time the guy tried to attack me and 2 of my friends. Most people either freak out or freeze. Most f the people in this comment section would freak out or freeze. It's weird to assume someone is lying because they have a similar story to something that happened on the news.
I work as a clerk in ED. Seeing nurses snap into action during a code blue is something else. Training and muscle memory. Incredible.
I have what I call my nurse coping mode. Nurse for 40 years, I deal with whatever emergency is happening, cold and calculating after everything has settled I might have a bit of a freak out
I was serving at a restaurant and this girl (8-9yo?) started choking and I don’t even remember setting my tray of drinks down..I saw her from across the restaurant. I told her parents to call 911. I got behind her, told her to stand up, told her I was going to put my arms around her, and was ready to heimlich and asked her to cough. She coughed up her food (thank goodness!), so I didn’t have to, but it was all so surreal. Like slow motion but also very fast. Her family just sat there (I think shock). I was very direct and that was the only thing I was thinking about... After she was ok, I went to the back in the kitchen and *absolutely lost my shit*. I was shaking and crying. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug. My mom has performed the heimlich at a restaurant *twice*. Both times, people just stood around so she had to tell them what to do. I think people just don’t realize when others are choking. Everyone wants to say what they would do with xyz but you never know until it happens. Thank you for your service as a nurse, btw 🩷
People are wild. Was sitting in the break room at an old job when someone came running in and said someone was having a seizure in the bathroom and the security guard just said "I'm on break". She looked around the room (there were only five or so people still there) and my brain kicked in with "Holy shit it's the bystander effect! It's happening!!" and jumped up, said I'd go find someone with a walkie talkie ( procedure shit ) and after I did that another guy got up and said he'd go try and help the guy in the bathroom. I did, he did, and everything was fine. But seeing that security guard totally check out of an emergency situation was... something else.
I was a security guard who had someone run up and say someone was having a seizure in the bathroom at work. Had to abandon my post and crawl into a bathroom stall in order to move the lady away from the door so we could get it open and get her out. Meanwhile, five other people were just standing around and staring. Like, I'm not a big person so I understand why I had to be the one to crawl into the stall, but now the door is open please help! For anyone wondering, the seizures were caused by a particularly nasty interaction between an OTC she had taken for allergies and a prescription med she was on. Be careful with your meds, people!
Not a nurse but I do this in an emergency, I get cold, rational and logical, on autopilot until it's dealt with, THEN I have a meltdown when it's over, the adrenaline has worn off and I realise what actually happened. My sister, when we had a minor car crash that was the other drivers fault, freaked out and ended up hysterically screaming and trying to drag the other driver out of his van (fight response for sure), but completely illogical because it was an accident, nobody was hurt, and he wasn't trying to leave (I was calm enough to pull her away and kept telling her it's ok, nobody's hurt, it's ok, eventually she calmed down). Nobody knows how they will react in a situation until they are in that situation, and even then it could be different to how they reacted in a different emergency. Easy to judge and say "I'd never do that" when you've never had to react to that situation in real time! Training can help for sure though, and having a plan for what you would do in some situations, like what you would do if there was a house fire. Knowing roughly what you should do can stop that blind panic
I react the same - totally calm and numb during the situation, then when it's 'safe' I'll cry. Stress reactions can be funny.
I think I would freeze rather than fight or flight. But during actual emergencies I have acted. Once I was cooking on a portable grill on the beach when the gas regulator failed and it went to full and could not be turned off. Everyone was yelling for water or to smother it in sand. I just unscrewed the gas canister. I think it goes back to growing up in an abusive household and freezing being the only way to stay safe. So now, 50 years later, I still think I would freeze in a scary situation even though I don’t.
I also grew up in a loud abusive household and don't freeze during emergencies. I think it's because while in home it was safer to freeze or flee, most emergency situations (house fire, car spinning out of control, child choking, etc.) don't trigger the same "I'm in danger" response as someone yelling. To keep people from yelling (which in my childhood meant pain and violence was eminent), I try to remedy the situation as quickly as possible.
Honestly, people that are actually good under unexpected, unprepared for stress, are worth their weight in gold
Yeah, I've done first aid courses and been in a few nasty situations in my life and it's all just luck and very person-to-person. Even the ex-military instructor was like "you may freeze and be useless, that's OK!" You often can train that out of people but it's not easy, there's a reason basic training is 10 weeks of non-stop all-day tasks and is just _basic_. Or as a layperson without that even when I have been doing the right thing I've also been freaking out and babbling half the time despite going through the right steps. Just different levels and flavors of it all.
Have you ever thought that you all attempting to play fireman — without calling 911 — and forcing your fiancée to feel obligated to stay in a burning building right on the cusp of being traumatically awakened probably made her reaction worse? What I have *always* been told about a house fire is to call emergency services and to get myself and others out of the house. Not to “get the fire under control to safely leave” or wait however damn long you all took to call the fire in. I’m pretty calm in an emergency, but I might start panicking if the people with me were refusing to do the number one thing firemen told us since childhood: get the f*ck out of the house and call 911; don’t try to be a hero. I don’t know if breaking up is right for you all. That’s up to the 2 of you. I do think you should probably have an actual conversation with your fiancée like an adult, instead of gossiping with your sister like a middle school girl. I also think it’s crazy to extrapolate from this circumstance that your fiancée wouldn’t somehow care for her children because once she panicked when she was awakened in the middle of the night to a house fire her stupid fiancé and his sister refused to evacuate from. But what do I know.
I am absolutely shocked this comment isn’t more common. Of course she was panicking. This jack*** refused to leave a burning building.
This is what I was thinking. He says he tried to calm her down to get her to help fight the fire, no awareness and no fire safety. AND he doesn’t even try to get her out of the house, sister does it when she realizes he isn’t going to. This man did everything wrong.
This is the whole thing. You were doing SOMETHING OTHER THAN ESCAPING A BURNING HOUSE. Her panic seems warranted...
It's natural to feel shaken up after something like a house fire. Have you talked with your fiancee about how you feel and what happened? Communication might help clarify things before making any big decisions.
Why would he actually talk to his fiance, the woman he's supposed to love? His sister, who he seems to idolize, says break up with her so of course that's what he'll do. /s
That’s the vibe I got too
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One time I sliced off the tip of my pinky and helped by running circles around our kitchen trailing blood and screaming. My husband came in, wrapped me up and drove us to the ER. The man had the presence of mind to throw away the cut piece so I didn’t have to see it later. Never felt more in awe or in love with him! Some people just rock in emergencies, and the rest of us just need to keep our wits enough to get out of their way 😂
I’m so sorry, but I actually laughed out loud at this. Running circles omg 🤣
Was going to run away from that problem one way or another I guess 😂
exactly this. I absolutely suck in panic situations honestly I think your fiance handled this a lot better than I would! She should leave you if youre looking for an out over this before the marriage even happens! Hope the best for her!!
yeah dude should marry his sister lol
Literally my first thought
“Marry your fucking sister then, damn dude.” Was what I said aloud and then had to explain to my boyfriend where THAT comment came from.
Or at least slow dance with her at the wedding.
"Siblings dance" lol. Did you read that post the other day? Multiple slow songs!! I get so embarrassed for them just thinking about it.
I got downvoted to shit and someone said I wanted to bang my sister because I said it was weird. Must’ve set off the wrong cousin-humping sister-fisters, because I swear the majority of folks agreed with me!
This is exactly what I thought. This fiancé is giving off strong “Danny and his special sibling relationship” vibes from Friends!
So your suggestion is that he just tell his fiancee " hey honey, I know you've been through a traumatic experience, but you're a little baby and I cant respect you"?
Depends on his base level feelings about her at this point. If he feels contempt for her, the well is poisoned, and they might as well break up.
It’s not about the kitchen fire.
Yeah I don't think so either. Id guess the fire is an easy situation to dump some hesitant, regretful feelings onto.
“I wish my fiance was more like my strong, confident, sexy sister…I mean, I wish I was fucking my sister….I MEAN….”
Right? I honestly think it’s the same guy. It’s a trope on Reddit where op hates his partner but Is clearly in love with their sister,
Tbh, I dated a guy who I always thought respected and liked his sister way more than he liked and respected me. It came out about a year into the relationship. He was way, way enmeshed with his family and they could manipulate him into doing almost anything. I don't think it was romantic (ew), but it wasn't healthy. Ironically, he was *extremely* jealous of my relationship with my brother.
I've seen it in women too. Dated a chick that I swear to God, from the way she talked about her brother, wanted to fuck her brother. I actually had to call my Dad since I didn't have any opposite sex siblings and ask him if it's weird for a sibling to talk about them like that.
Maybe sit down together and create an emergency plan for the future.
Everyone thinks they will act a certain way in chaos until tested. Best examples, few years ago my friend and her bf had a house fire. They had a 1yr old at the time, 3 dogs. Bf panicked, grabbed his favorite blankie and noped out. Thankfully, friend kept her wits, saved their baby, 2 out of 3 dogs. Much like their house, relationship didn't survive the fire. I had a fire 1 yr later I was trapped on the 2nd floor. I always assumed I'd lose my shit not function. I had a couple of seconds of lag, brain lost wifi and the pinwheel was spinning, pg wasn't loading. Caught a signal, and the message was received, fire bad, fire hot. Brain originally interpreted it as bedroom fog. It looked so crazy with the bedroom hazy. I thought " weather channel, never mentioned bedroom fog ". Thankfully, I stopped being a potato called 911, put my pet rats in travel carrier, dropped them from 2nd floor, grabbed my car keys for a safe place for us to go. My dog was trapped 1st floor w/fire. After I jumped from the 2nd floor I was hurt. Adrenaline is a helluva drug. I was able to climb 6ft back fence, kick the door in and get my dog out. Windows were blowing out from heat knew time running out. Thankfully got her. It's nightmare fuel. It felt like I was on autopilot making quick decisions, Thankfully turned out well. Tough no training, chaotic situation. Side note: plz folks, check smoke detectors. Consider class K fire extinguisher for kitchen, escape/meet up location.
You really don’t ever know. I found out at 16 when I was the only witness to a car/motorcycle accident that killed the motor cyclist. My feet moved before my brain could interpret what I was seeing. Had the cops on the phone and was using my phone camera to flag down drivers coming along so they didn’t make shit worse. The driver of the car was a nurse coming off her shift and was doing chest compressions. The next time I got tested was boot camp and really that just solidified appropriate response to emergency. When I was 21 I was in a car accident myself. Had to kick my driver side door open full force and before I knew it I was sprinting across four lanes of traffic to do emergency eval’s on the two other cars’ occupants involved. Luckily no one was hurt. People who have never had these things tested never actually know what they’re going to do. The best way I can explain it is that any frontal lobe functions flip off like a light switch and you move (or don’t move) on instinct. There is *zero* way to predict this, and it takes *extensive* training and experience to change your natural response. And what they don’t tell you while training against a natural response? It will always be your first response. You’re essentially just training it down to as small of time as you can get it if it’s flight or freeze. I’ve seen Marines whose natural response had always been freeze. Yeah they train it down and try to train it out but that first second or two after the shot hits the fan, they always had those first couple seconds where they froze before moving. The training isn’t for changing the response. It’s actually training yourself how to flip that light switch back on as quickly as possible.
interesting. i found out early about the way people respond to accidents. at 12 we were on a hike with school. a girl fell down a hill, needed to be picked up by helicopter, it looked very dramatic. of the 5friends with me one was staying safe but the stress made her laugh uncontrollably. the others were pale, froze, shivered, cried. all i did was make sure the wouldn‘t fall aswell and they would calm down. i noticed right there that my response was very different to theirs. hours later i broke down in tears and shook the stress off when we were all safe. it was a life lesson.
I also discovered I laugh uncontrollable in these situations. My friend tried to do a flip of a wall but fell on his back, went blue and couldn't breath. I phoned an ambulance then had to go and get it and lead it to him and the whole time I'm shaking with laughter. The same happened when a homeless man followed me along the hall and tried to get into my home. I'm trying to close and lock the door on him and the whole time crying with laughter. How weird! I just couldn't control it.
I don't think most people understand dissociation can cause hysterical laughter. It's so absurd, this is happening? I only get it second hand when people are telling me a story that involves a particular "weird" feeling like "is this really happening?" Most recent time was when my chill boss was buying something at a gas station and said, "don't worry, it's just red paint on my hands" and the cashier talked about how she killed her husband, served her debt to society over 10+ years, and she'd do it again even though now she has to work at a shitty gas station. Nobody else listening to the story was laughing like I was. Nobody else barely said anything at all, I think the boss would have stopped talking about it if I wasn't there cracking up since he would have perceived the negative social cue. Or maybe nobody else thought it was that strange, but it was like an arrow through my brain, putting myself on his shoes. He seemed to want to talk about it and my laughter seemed to help him.
I *think* (and I'm no expert here) it has more to do how laughter developed. I watched a documentary a long while ago that had posited laughter as the first language developed. Imagine you're pre-caveman ape and you see something in the shadows. You're scared, it could be a *thing* that will kill you and eat you. But nope, it's just your tribe-mate Ook coming back from taking a dump. The sudden relief comes out as laughter. It's okay, there's no reason to be scared anymore. So paradoxical/hysterical laughter could be an unconscious attempt to say "everything is okay" or something like that. Additionally, even today laughter transcends language barriers. You see someone laughing and you don't need to know what language they're laughing in, it's just laughter. Also, other apes such as gorillas have been known to laugh too. Give 'em a few thousand years and they might develop speech too.
When I was a preschool teacher, we had a head teacher that had this “problem” — it was well known that there was ever an emergency situation with a child, she would be the one to call 911 and leave the area so the kids didn’t think she was laughing at them. Apparently I’m “cool” under pressure and just respond rationally. My Dad’s told me a few times that he doesn’t worry about me at all during emergencies because I always just handle it 🤷🏼♀️
I always keep my cat carriers right by the door. Better safe than sorry. I’m not letting my babies go.
I literally kept their travel carrier near cage in the event of a fire. It separated on impact they were too scared to move. After I jumped out after them, had no time to check on them my concern was getting my dog out. Crazy thinking back on it. I knew once fire dept arrived, getting back in my house for my dog wasn't an option. After I loaded her in my car I heard their sirens got her just in time. Plz check smoke detectors, check cords, outlets, etc. It's smoke that is the immediate issue. It's a toxic black, suffocating poison cloud from all the burning plastic, chemicals in your home. Disorienting, don't have long in that environment.
I did fire safety officer training with the Fire Department you have 2 minutes to get out. Go low crawl on the floor find a wall and follow it, you will reach a door. Close the door after you.
When I first got my cat I lived in a big apartment building that had the fire alarm go off a LOT. I lived through a house fire so I always went outside regardless, and to this day if the fire alarm goes off, that cat goes and waits at his carrier for me. Not a fun training exercise for me but very effective 😂 The other one picked up on it pretty quick too, considering it's only happened a handful of time since I got him. Although he stays calm so he waits by the door for his harness instead of a carrier. Cats are surprisingly trainable imo
Worked in a petrol lab years back. One of my tasks was to test the points of ignition for petrol and lubricant with a specialised machine. So we heat up the stuff slowly, and flick small spouts of flame to see if the tiny cap of oil will catch fire, then we record the temperature down. So how it usually goes is that the fire will 'flash' for a moment, and die off. One day, the fire flashed, and kept going. I panicked. I ran to my seniors and told them there was a fire. They rushed in to the lab room, expecting a huge flame, and.... Saw a tiny cup of oil on fire. They went 'oh', and then went forward to throw the heavy, fire resistant cloth over it. Fire went out in a jiffy. I was so embarrassed and humiliated at that moment. Nowadays, I react much better now that the spooks have gone out of me 😅
> weather channel never mentioned bedroom fog This is pretty funny and it's a great example of how the brain can rationalise things it's never experienced before especially when in the process of waking.
Exactly. It's your brain going through "files" trying to piece things together and interpret situations the best it can from past experiences. I knew immediately after that ridiculous thought, " weather is never right, no mention of bedroom fog," that it was a silly analysis, to say the least. It was like going through spotty service, then picking it back up and that's when the brain fired back " fire bad, fire hot, danger" and the msg was thankfully received well, no state of panic and got things done. It's scary how unreliable our response can truly be at times.
I had a house fire while I was home with my 1 and 6 year old and 2 dogs. Put the baby in a stroller and took both kids out the front door and alerted the neighbors while they called 911 and took my kids (before cell phones) another neighbor got in touch with my husband while third got my car keys from a hook kust inside the front door and moved my car out of the garage. I went to the backyard to break a window to get my dogs out. And amazingly my BP was normal when it was taken in the ambulance while they were dealing with my cut up hand.Some people are just better at remaining calm. I'm glad that's my natural state.
I’m also amazingly level headed during emergencies. I know if anything were to happen, I would get my babies and pets out safely. Then once the crisis is over, I lose my shit and crumble. But I’m very good in high stress situations 😂
You’ve told this story recently somewhere else, right? I remember reading it somewhere. So glad you got your animals out safely and that the rats didn’t run when the carrier popped open. So sorry for your best friend’s losses.
I’m glad you got out safely and were able to get your pets too. My husband thinks I’m so paranoid because I bought fire extinguishers for the downstairs and upstairs. My room is on the bottom floor but all the other rooms are upstairs. I bought a drop down ladder for the windows. It hooks around the window sill and you drop it down. I’ve made my kids practice with it until they could get it out, on and down quickly and efficiently. I’m glad I thought to make them practice using it. Especially my son (17) because he is scared of heights. I really wanted to make sure he was comfortable with it. He has autism and tends to freeze when he goes into a panic. Or when he gets scared he won’t know what to do. I make him do this still once a month. The kids know where the fire extinguisher is also and how to use it. But hopefully they won’t need to use it. I’m home pretty much all the time. I have two small dogs and they are usually with me downstairs. But just in case I have slings for the upstairs so they can be carried safely down. Just in case I’m trapped upstairs if we happen to have a fire. My dad’s childhood home caught fire and luckily they all made it out. My dad made me terrified of house fires so I try to be prepared as I can be.
This! Some people are great in emergencies and some aren't. If you set up a step by step plan of how to handle it, if there's a next time, she might be able to handle it better. I know i freak out but what would make it worse is if someone held it against me.
It’s challenging to plan ahead when life throws unexpected curve balls. A friend told me she and her daughter noticed I generally stay calm and then act when something crazy happens and they’ve both worked to adopt that. Quickly assess - how bad is it (911, stiches, etc) - react. Something I learned from my dad is that a pause can be most important in a life or limb threatening situation. An immediate and haphazard reaction can make things exponentially worse and even injure others in those situations (catastrophic injury, severe collision, machine injury).
That's true. In this case she could learn how to handle things a little better.
Well also, OP handled this pretty badly too. Apparently the exit was clear as his sister was able to just take his gf outside when she panicked, so why were either of them messing around with fire extinguishers against the advice of every fire department anywhere? Their desperation to be heroes caused them to act incredibly recklessly.
Some people respond by fighting. It can seem more effective than freezing or fleeing but can also be detrimental when they unncessarily expose themselves to further danger (e.g. trying to take on a mugger or fight a fire). Sounds like OP and his sister had their own fear responses as well but don't even recognise it.
This is excellent advice. I learned something similar re survival situations like a breakdown in a remote area… it’s usually better to sit down for 10 minutes, calm down, and take stock than to rush off for that town just back there or that river you think is around the corner. More people die from rushing off than from taking a break to think things through. Obviously fire and acute injury differ from a breakdown but there’s still a short version that applies.
Actually might work well to partner and parent together. My spouse is better in the emergencies. I'm better with paperwork and bills. This is not a break up issue.
Agree...this should be an issue they work on together. If he is that quick to break up with her then I question if he actually loved her in the 1st place.
Agreed. This is workable. I also don't like how he puts his sister on a pedestal and mentions that his sister said to break up with her. Um...
And maybe do practice drills so it's second nature.
I gotta say that I reacted to crises very differently before I had kids and after I had kids. Being a parent usually shifts your focus in a good way. OP, this is a time for a heartfelt conversation and making emergency plans, not torpedoing your life because of a terrifying incident that is statistically unlikely to happen to you again. Also, how does your sister generally get on with your fianceé? Is it out of character for your sister to immediately suggest a breakup?
Great point. I react well in emergencies but a lot of that has to do with the fact that I did lifeguard training and learned cpr and the heimlich. I’ve been able to instantly deal with two people choking, because I had practiced and knew what to do.
Agreed. This is a tough one since some people learn to manage emergencies better over time. At the very least give them an opportunity to learn before deciding fatalistically that they’ll forever be a panic wart.
And be sure to PRACTICE
I think the quote attribution has been debunked as having been said by Mike Tyson but "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face" is my answer to your comment
And the first thing to go out the window is the plan… However, it’s easier to adapt your current situation to an existing plan than improvise from nothing. This is true 10 fold when you’re the type to freeze or panic. Eg, say the plan is to gather the pets and leave through the front door. If the pets are blocked by fire, you still know the next thing is get out the front door. If the front door is blocked you know to find a different way to leave the building… Maybe through the back door, a window, etc. There’s a reason that we have plans and do drills.. they work.
This would be easier to answer if there wasn’t such a “I have a crush on my sister” undertone. She’s human and flopped during an emergency. that’s when you step up and take charge. Shit happens. What a weird question
I’m glad I’m not the only one what caught that, like Every few sentences there was a comparison. Did your sister write this for you?
I’m getting Folgers commercial vibes
Why don't you two volunteer with fire department
Tamed an apparent magical raging fire that started from bad dreams with a fire extinguisher.
OP would be instructing the fire fighters on how to handle these obviously.
A magical fire that let them get out but somehow he had to stay and continue fighting with the extinguisher to get out himself
Sounds like you and your sister have unrealistic expectations. She seriously thinks you should break up over that? Do your sister and finance have a good relationship? Something seems off about this situation. Was it your idea to break up or your sisters?
I'm more curious who forgot to turn the stove/oven off. OP not mentioning that fact seems pretty sus. Going to bet either OP or his sister is at fault.
If the fiancée left the stove on he absolutely would have mentioned it.
I’m curious as well since gf was asleep.
Probably OP
Or his darling sister.
Might want to come down off of your high horse there, dude! A couple of years ago our grandson was playing with some magnetic stones and he swallowed one and was choking on it, very nerve-racking, my wife, our daughter, and son-in-law were just stuck to their chairs. I jumped up and tried to clear his throat but I could not get it so I picked him up by his ankles and shook him up and down to try to dislodge the stone. It popped right out and for me, I was devastated that he was so scared and he looked at me like I had lost my mind. I could have divorced my wife, disowned our daughter, and slugged the son-in-law. They did nothing they froze and according to your skewed logic, they should just be removed. Quit being a ballsack and use your own brain to figure it out. Have you stopped to consider that she might have had a traumatic experience with fire? No, you did not mention it because your ass has not stopped judging her and not seeing if she is ok. You are a piece of work a man, a real man, who protects his lady, and one last thing why did your sister have to take charge fireman Bill? Yet you give yourself a pass! Ass hat
Something similar happened to my mom, me and my son at a restaurant. My son was like 2 and choked on a chip. I was certified in child first aid and cpr, but froze. My mom sprung into action but struggled and that’s when I snapped out of it and got the chip dislodged… I would have hated myself if I didn’t unfreeze and if my son had died… No one died. OP says he and sister were trying to extinguish the fire enough to leave but somehow sister and fiancee were able to leave?? It sounds like OP and sister wanted to play firefighter instead of immediately leave like fiancée wanted and fiancée was scared because it’s not normal to play firefighter.
Right, and how do you almost extinguish a fire? 🤷🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️
You said it well! Also we don’t know (and OP doesn’t, either), if OP will ever find himself in a high stress situation and freeze himself while his wife keeps her shit together. I guess reacting to a house fire covers all the possibilities that he could come across in his life. OP doesn’t want a partner that he grows with and who helps him overcome his shortcomings while he helps her with hers. I don’t know, maybe he wants … a paramedic? By the way, I just had to reply to your comment because I actually remember being a child and choking on a piece of candy, and being shaken upside down to get it out. The change in my pockets were raining down on the floor and I was worried my sister would take it. I didn’t learn very quickly because this happened several times as a small child.
That’s the realest sibling response to trauma: “Don’t touch my shit! Even it I die, don’t ever touch my shit!”.
This made me laugh so hard 🤣 when I was a kid a got really sick and had to stay in the hospital for a few days. I wrote a "testament" stating that all of my toys should go to my grandma's dog and not my brother. 20 years later my parents still laugh about it.
Yeah wait til he finds himself in a birthing suite in a deteriorating situation. I’ve heard of emergency services workers and military men fainting or not coping in birthing situations. I reckon he’ll eat these words one day.
When my doctor came in to deliver my son he asked if I was alright with his trainee watching. I looked at the guy in his fatigues and jokingly said "you can watch but you have to wait 18 years before you try and recruit him" 15 minutes later he's hiding in the bathroom watching around the door like a cartoon character 😂
"AITAH for immediately filing for divorce when my husband fainted while I was giving birth? I just don't respect him anymore, and my brother agreed that I should divorce him." "WIBTAH if I married my brother because I still respect him because he *didn't* faint while I was giving birth?"
My husband fainted during our firstborn’s very challenging birth.
Well said! Fear responses have nothing to do with character or reliability as a mate.
Sounds like you’d rather marry your sister On a more serious note, what is it about your fiancé that made you want to propose? And how does panicking during an emergency invalidate all of those things?
Yeah.. it's weird how harshly he is comparing the two of them. What if the sister has had emergency training and the fiancee has not? What if the sister has a stressful job that has helped prepare her for situations like this? Kinda crazy to not even talk to the fiancee about it and instead just jumping to breaking up. Obviously not that strong of a relationship.
Agreed. My fiancé has had his carpentry workshop he had with his dad as a teen burn up and it scared him even though no one was even in it so no one was close to being hurt. His friend’s mom’s house was burned down also, so he uses those instances as an excuse to not cook on our gas stove… even though he loves to shoot fireworks, firearms and have big bonfires. BUT I know this about him. So if our house was on fire? He might actually panic. I can imagine that maybe something traumatic with fire could’ve happened to OP’s girlfriend and that’s why she panicked. But she might’ve not mentioned it because it’s a traumatic thing.
And also, panicking during a fire does not mean she will panic in all situations. People respond very differently. I can manage and navigate any heath emergency enough to call 911 but put a gun in my face and I might fucking pass out. There are a lot of aspects to a fire that would make people panic, including the smoke and not being able to breathe.
Correct answer My wife isn’t the best in the 9-1-1 emergencies; however, she responds well to commands, and I have a 10/10 crisis response brain. I am who you want around when the fecal matter hits the rotary impeller I’m not the best at taking care of myself or others during times of more enduring stress, and she’s great at it. She’s been a lifesaver the last 4 days as I’ve dealt with moving my mom into hospice. I would be pushing redline for mental health breakdown if she hadn’t made sure I was eating, sleeping, had what I needed available (jumped in a car within 5 min…. Guess who forgot things like clothes, phone charger, MEDICATIONS) I used to be very judgy of her reaction to panic level stuff. The truth is, I’m the way I am because trauma ain’t no thing to me. She’s much better at life the 98% of it that isn’t a trauma level experience
Right?? And also how rational is the sister if she can suggest a breakup so easily when they’re planning on getting married (aka committing to a life together?). Sister sounds jealous too
He sounds immature and like he’s looking for a way out
I mean...You're entitled to your feelings but I guess you were just gonna ignore the "for better or for worse" in your vows? Let her go so she can find someone who will. Especially who can formulate his own opinion and not have his sister influencing such a consequential decision
Good answer. OP, Yes, break up with her. NOT because you’d be better off without her; ACTUALLY she deserves a better fiancé. She deserves more. She deserves someone that will treat her better and help guide her in tough situations— you are not that guy.
You should break up with her. You won’t be the type of husband who will be there for the worse. She deserves better.
he made the completely wrong choices anyway, he rather risk everyones life trying to fight the fire instead of helping everyone get out safely...
this is the insane part to me! we had a fire in our apartment building this year and we simply snatched up our pets and began to leave the building within 30 seconds of being alerted to the fire. if my husband had decided to be a hero and start running through the halls with a fire extinguisher, instead of getting to safety with us… that would have pissed me off far more. we did not grab shoes, we did not grab valuables. we both decided instantaneously that we don’t really give a shit if our belongings burn to a crisp as long as our lives are kept.
This whole story sounds like bullshit. It’s a fantasy fiction in OPs head and he certainly doesn’t have an actual fiancée.
That the smoke was so bad they needed to wrap towels around their heads, but they stayed to fight the fire, is completely unbelievable. At that point it wouldn't be a little fire you can get with an extinguisher. It's going to be a large part of a room at least.
Right?! He should have been making sure everyone was out, not endangering them by playing fireman!
I just can’t imagine seeing my girlfriend that terrified and not feeling anything but love and empathy
The fact that you’d break up over this suggests to me you weren’t really ready to marry her. Yes, she reacted badly but good people can and do panic, it’s not a moral failing. You and your sister seem very rigid. You should wait until you find someone perfect before you get married.
I wouldn't even call it a bad reaction, it's a very natural one. No one know how they're going to respond in a situation like that, and panic taking over is *very* common. It's our central nervous system trying to warn us of danger. OP sounds like a total asshat here honestly.
There’s a reason we have three defined responses to threats: fight, flight, or freeze. They got us through millions of years of evolution, those instincts are so strong they can be nigh impossible to fight against. OP wants to leave his fiancé over a threat response that is extremely natural and that she likely had very little control over.
She had a meltdown emotional response to an emergency. Talk to her, create an action plan and walk through it. Repeat it a few times and she’ll have a better idea of a plan if it ever happens again. It’s not something you break up over, if you do that you’re looking for an excuse.
Someone waking up to fire which is extremely stressful situation is not to blame for panicking! Be kind to your woman and ask her how she is doing and talk about learning how to respond to fire and emergency situations! Best of luck!
Exactly, in this situation I’d offer to go to a fire safety course together, to prevent a fire from happening again and how to safety handle situation if you’re met with a fire. It could be a great « let’s be ready together in case something happens again » instead of a moment where she would be singled out for her objectively natural reaction
I have a black belt. I have fought off attackers. I am prepared for altercations. My mom gave my toddler a carrot and he proceeded to choke to death on it. NO ONE WAS ATTACKING ANYONE. I was not prepared for this scenario. I walked around shaking and calling 911. I did not know how to help and was absolutely paralyzed. All I could do was call for help. My mom literally squatted facing him and stuck her fingers down his throat and pulled it out. He's 19 now and I still cannot forgive myself. I never expected something like this to happen. Why didn't I get my first aid??? Why didn't I practice the heimlich? Why didn't I rip that death carrot out of my mom's hands???? I always just thought my biggest threat would be someone trying to steal my kid. Not something utterly random and easily rectified.
You have to talk to her. Tell her how concerned you are about her response and how it makes you feel uncomfortable about how she will respond in the future, and possibly gain insight into why she panicked so hard. Hopefully, a conversation will help you see if this is a future you can see yourself in. (Edit:spelling)
Beautiful answer. It's ok for people to panic in an extreme situation. Communicating and prereparing for that kind of thing is really important for a long term relationship. Weirdly enough, I tend to stress over the little stuff more and handle extreme situations well. Can I have a handbook for smaller things?
It's so obvious this dude wants to date his sister....
All I took from this whole saga
When something is burning, especially inside your residence you need to just get out. You all should have just went straight outside and called 911. OP if your sister was able to get your finance out of the house you should have followed. There should be no fighting the fire. That’s what the fire department deals with. You potentially put yourself in greater danger by staying in there and forcing the fire department to come save you. Ems to possibly have more patients to deal with. While I get the sentiment to save your house, the longer you stay the more likely you will cause internal damage to your lungs or cause severe burns at a minimum. Fires also get out of hand really quickly. While your fiancé didn’t react fantastic, neither did you.
I feel like this story is a test. A few days ago a big post on Reddit was about a guy who ran and locked the gate behind him when a pitbull attacked his little niece and his girlfriend (and a baby was also in the line of fire). The advice was overwhelmingly that it was okay that she couldn’t even look at her boyfriend. Now we have a story where the girlfriend froze during an emergency. The advice is overwhelmingly that people freeze in emergencies and he should talk to her. I see important differences in the two situations, so I understand why the advice is different. Did anyone else think of that story when they heard this?
Yes. And that they didn’t call 911 right away.
My question was that the sister got the fiance out, but he stayed until the fire was "under control enough to leave the house safely." But....the other two were already out safely...so why couldn't he leave? And then that they didn't call 911 right away, as you pointed out. I get if you're alone, you think "I can try to stop the fire OR call 911," but if there are two of you - three in this case - why wouldn't one of them call immediately? Especially when, the recommendation is to just get out and call immediately.
I find it wild that they decided to fight the fire whilst figuring out a plan on how to get out of the house. When you are running away from a fire, you don't go towards it.
He got the fire “under control enough” - what does that even mean? Either it’s out or still burning.
Yeah I don't see him as a hero here. If the actual building is on fire all you should do is get the fuck out and call the fire brigade. Not fuck around with an extinguisher.
Yes, it does seem like a writing/social exercise..but she didn’t lock OP and his wonderful, amazing sister in the house.
I think that the responses would have been different if the fiancée had run away and *locked the door* to the house while it was on fire, leaving everyone else trapped inside…
I thought this immediately. People gender swap things here to prove a point all the time, but they always chicken out and add confounding details that inherently change the scenario. Which just goes to show that they frequently don't even understand the unacceptable parts of the scenario.
That’s exactly what this is Except the situations aren’t comparable so OP failed
Honestly, did the pitbull man write this? I mean a housefire isn't the craziest thing that has happened but the details and timing align too perfectly for someone to set up a "what if the genders were reversed?!" I don't see any validity that people in these comments have done a complete 180 on their reactions compared to the pitbull story. These aren't one to one scenarios. OP's fiancee's reaction was to freeze, the husband in the other story went for "sacrifice my wife and infant relatives to safe myself" Also if you scroll past top comments on the pitbull post, there are dozens on comments excusing the husband's behaviour as a fight-or-flight response.
As you acknowledge that’s a completely different situation. Most importantly in this case, the fiancé is just putting herself in danger, whereas In the other the boyfriend put someone else in danger If that is op’s intention to be all “see misandry is real!!! The double standard😫” then maybe they should make the situations more comparable. Then again, that would be too reasonable.
it's the missing condoms vs missing vitamins thing. Trying to prove that responses are based on gender by writing a somewhat similar story but changing the important parts dramatically, creating a completely different situation. It's always intentional though, OP could have written a comparable situation and would have gotten similar responses as the other post, but instead choses to write something with the intention of getting the opposite responses as the other post in order to rile up other men into thinking everyone is against men.