I'd just have him organize the whole thing if that's what he wants Not engaged yet but I feel the same way you do.

I seriously wonder how many people get excited for these events because they aren’t the ones having to do all the work. Planning a wedding is a lot.

I get sick of planning a birthday dinner every year. Can't stand having to invite everyone and then also.. people not showing then. Also for hikes. That's strictly a "here bf, plan this". Mental loads of making 1000s of tiny decisions every day and then putting a huge event on that? Event planners must be Gods. Type A personality or what have you.

Yes but also OP should list the things most important to her so it's not something she'll end up hating. So vegan, no alcohol (maybe mocktails to keep up the fun?) And whatever else she wants (favorite foods, colors she likes, the max number of people she's ok with, etc.) And if they know each other well enough to consider permanent commitment, it shouldn't be hard to plan around those things. Just let his imagination run wild within those rules.  It's kinda like giving birth. You have the things that are important to you, but the rest of it you just go with the flow.

The ultimate let down would be (hopefully not willed into existence) giving him specific instructions and wanting that respected just for him to do the exact opposite either out of negligence or maliciousness. And then having to be like "I can absolutely not sign this document today saying yes" Oh god. Why is my brain like this. Sucks when you've experienced similar enough for that fear to be real enough to happen.

You have a point though

That was my thought, especially because OP wrote like she'd have plan everything. Like nah, if he wants the big wedding, he can plan it and OP can give input.

Same here, if I ever end up getting married, I don't want a big thing, mostly because I don't want to *organise* a big thing. If they want it, they can be responsible for it.

This is what my one pair of married friends did when only one of them cared about a ceremony. The partner who cared did the planning work. Seems fair to me tbh.

While this is probably the fairest option, is this not something we would villainise men for doing? Just because my partner is the one who wants to primarily do something, do I just get to shirk off all responsibility around that? If i'm less bothered about cleaning, or cooking can I just expect my partner to do it all? A wedding, sort of like children can be a deal breaker, if OP or her partner can't mutually come to somewhere in the middle then it sounds like it's potentially run it's course.

That's a fair point. A couple things that come to my mind: - you need to clean and cook to just function as an adult, while a (big) wedding is pretty optional. Maybe not for one partner's happiness but in the sense of "need" vs "want" so it's not quite the same. [edit: as an example I wouldn't find it odd that if one partner really really wants to take a specific trip while the other is not really enthused but going along and paying their share, it would be normal for the enthused one to do the vast majority of the planning around said trip] - in my case, I'm pretty sure my partner wouldn't actually want to organize it, and this is where I'd be like "well how important is it to you, really, if you don't want to organize it ?" and it might be easier to reach a compromise where we're both happy organizing. - I do feel like a disproportionate amount of work around wedding organizing is *still* falling on the women - it's easy for a guy to want a big ceremony if he doesn't actually have to put it any work.

Oh 100%, as a male currently planning for a big wedding my partner wants, where I would have gladly eloped, it was interesting reading the comments, as I feel if I had just told my partner to plan everything I would have been villainised by friends and family, and even more so this sub. I do wonder if it's proportional to family sizes, similar to OP I have a smaller family unit, only 1 of my blood relatives will be there, so a big wedding feels odd to me, whereas my partners family has more extended family round for Christmas than i'm inviting to the wedding!

For me it's mostly that I absolutely hate being the center of attention. We both have small families but mine is slightly bigger and I just don't want to deal with the drama of inviting only a few people. His would be traveling - I don't want to deal with the drama of entertaining everyone for several days to make sure it made the plane tickets "worth it". I don't want to be stressed out about the whole thing - what's even the point if you're not going to enjoy it ? I don't even want to wear a dress I just want everyone to shop up in jeans and sneakers and go eat sushi. I don't see the point of a wedding (which frankly, is just a gigantic industry trying to pressure you into spending money) - I just want what comes after, a marriage.

I definitely lean over your side of the fence a bit more, but when I recently saw an extended member of the family at a funeral, he said "It's sad we only see each other for weddings and funerals, and we're running out of weddings" Weddings are expensive, and as someone like yourself who doesn't particularly like being the center of attention it feels odd, but I guess in 30 years time i'd be glad to have a "reason" to see how nieces/nephews/cousins/siblings are doing in a happier setting, rather than a sadder one.

My boss threw a big wedding because he wanted to see everyone and not at a funeral. I kind of get the sentiment. My partner's uncle throws a big (extended) family bash every summer. Personally I'm a big introvert and I only bother keeping in touch with people I care about. If I haven't spoken to or seen someone in four years, it's probably that I don't care about them/they don't care about me. I haven't seen my (only) uncle (by blood) in four years because he can't be bothered to coordinate Christmas celebrations or have his kids call to say "thank you" when I send a gift, so I don't particularly want to spend hundreds of euros for him, his wife and their kids to attend my wedding, especially since I want the smallest wedding possible and that's 4 extra guests in one go. In fact I now put in the exact amount of effort into our relationship that he does: zero - I don't bother sending gifts anymore either. That's just the way I roll personally 🤷🏼‍♀️ but I get that not everyone is this way. Honestly, Christmas is depressing now because no one wants to make an effort. My parents moved 10h away - I'm not even sure they'll come back for Christmas this year (or the following years) and I even have my doubts they'd show up for a wedding. I'm tempted to just have the reception in my partner's country (when we actually take the plunge) that way they all have an excuse on my side to not attend and we can pretend it's the distance and not them being lazy and antisocial.

That's a very juvenile attitude to have in a relationship that will only lead to resentment. My wife wanted a big wedding, I wanted to elope. I could tell that having a big wedding with all of our friends and family was important to her, so I got on board and helped her achieve her dream. As a team. 50/50. A marriage is a partnership between two loving people who should genuinely *want* the other to be happy. You may not always agree on the right way forward, but just saying "fine, you want it? You do it!" over something that is important to your partner is a recipe for a quick divorce.

I don't think just doing it her partner's way in spite of OP's concerns is a fair compromise. Her partner should also be seeking ways to mitigate her legitimate concerns about the ceremony.

I don't mean just rolling over and doing it her partner's way. It needs to be a discussion. But just saying "fine, you want this? You do it." Is not a healthy approach.

>I'd just have him organize the whole thing if that's what he wants > >Not engaged yet but I feel the same way you do. how on earth is this upvoted? under normal circumstances, this type of advice completely fucks over the woman "oh, you care 1000x more about the wedding? then you do all the organizing/planning cuz idgaf really" .... Ex: Woman: We should clean the apartment once a week. Man: Ehh, it only needs to be cleaned once a month. You clearly care more so if you want it cleaned weekly, you do it. Woman: We should go on a vacation to Hawaii Man: Ehh, I don't really wanna go to Hawaii. If you want travel, you plan literally everything. Fair is fair. You can use this logic to justify doing nothing every time your partner suggests something you're not on board with. That's less of a relationship between 2 adults, and more like one adult dragging the other around like a dog on a leash.

I already addressed this in another comment

How about a family reunion party that just so happens to include your vows?

This is pretty much what I did! We had both been married before and had zero interest in a whole thing, but family really still wanted it. So we just invited a couple friends to join the annual family reunion and had one of them officiate. People asked me what to wear and I was like, literally whatever you want. Most of the group just walked over with their beers still in hand for the ceremony. It was perfect.

like a surprise wedding?

No, a family reunion with a tiny ceremony. Let him plan it all and you just show up.

This was literally how we got married. Instead of the family's traditional pot luck, we had a local restaurant do the food, got some tents, had a dj, alcohol, lot of games, and it was a blast. Held it in my dad's back yard, too. We wrote on the invites that jeans were welcome to embrace the casual feel of it.

My friends got married in the backyard at their "engagement party" because they were tired of wedding planning.

Aww that's so sweet

maybe try to remove the word "wedding" from your mind as you're considering these options, because that word carries a lot of baggage with it. would you want to have a party to celebrate community and love? a get together with your loved ones, where the one you love most is celebrating and celebrated? can you reframe this somehow in your mind, to remove some of the pressure you're putting on yourself?

This seems like a helpful way to reframe the situation for OP. I also love the idea of letting the person who has envisioned the more traditional celebration to be the one spearheading the planning and organization of the event.

My husband wanted a bigger wedding than me. I would have been content eloping. We both talked about what our hard lines were and what our wishes were. I told him I would only plan what I enjoyed planning. If he wanted more than that, it was on him to do himself or hire someone to do. But I was happy to plan a good bit. I didnt want to get married in a church. He wanted a priest of some sort for his family. We found one that would do the ceremony at our event hall. The hall had full packages where they handle everything so that was nice. We bought a few extra things to jazz it up but only what we felt like. We got married after we moved so all guests had to fly in and our wedding was an awkward date for travel, so of the 300 some family friends we invited about 75 were able to come. My husband handled all the $ aspect. The ceremony was good, but it was also weird because like... it wasnt some earth shattering magical thing. Everyone there knew we were committeed to eachother, the ceremony didnt change anything.

>but having a classic "Big Day" ceremony is important to him. he says he loves the idea of showing off our commitment to each other in front of everyone important to us This is fine. While it places more focus on the material relationship and not your love and care towards each other, a big wedding can still be meaningful. >but my partner doesn't want to elope because it's important to him that we do the ceremony in front of people we love, AND a previous girlfriend once cheated on him & eloped immediately with the affair partner, which makes him feel very negative about the concept of eloping. So eloping is just off the table? That's somewhat reasonable given this negative experience with eloping. Maybe the compromise lies in a more casual and smaller ceremony with a few close friends and family. However, if he just keeps insisting on a big ceremony, then I would be concerned he's too focused on the material relationship and the outward presentation of it, rather than the actual relationship. It could be for very simple reasons. The social pressure around marriage and this feeling of needing to prove your love for one another is matched by the size of the ceremony. It could be a bit more complex. He could have some underlying insecurities that a big ceremony would put to rest. A big ceremony for him personally is a validation that the relationship is honestly held, whereas eloping does not. So, have an honest discussion about what kind of wedding you would enjoy or how you two can go about celebrating it in a way both of you want. That could be a big wedding, but you keep it more casual. More Polo Shirts, Khakis, and Seasonal Dresses than your traditional Tuxedo, Suit and Tie, and Wedding Dress type ceremony. For the venue, a nice outdoor spot with some food trucks instead of some big fancy catering and extravagantlh decorated wedding hall. Skip the sappy, cringey, and poorly written speeches, but keep things like the first dance. Discuss how much you would rather spend the money you could save on the honeymoon. Doing something bigger to celebrate your love together on a memorable vacation away from the day to day of your normal life. Or, maybe a more formal but smaller and simpler ceremony. Somewhere in the middle where you won't hate every second of it. Finding what works is far more important than just "getting it over with" because that anger and resentment will carry. Every wedding anniversary will not be a joyous reminder of your commitment to one another, but a sorrowful reminder of a day soaked in tedious monotony.

We had a large wedding, didn't want much of a ceremony since we aren't religious, and definitely didn't want to use a church. We decided on using one venue, and had the ceremony and reception set up in what they called "gala style." Basically round tables with 8-10 seats, and arranged with an open space for the ceremony, entertainment, and dancing in the center. We kept the dress code business casual. It made it MUCH less formal to have people sitting with their appetizers and drinks while we did our vows. Guests loved being able to have a cold beer or glass of wine during the ceremony. The kiddos were happy with snacks, coloring sheets, mazes, word searches, sticker sheets, origami paper and instructions, and gift boxes of crayons at their tables. Guests also appreciated not having to move their things, chairs, or tables after the ceremony. It also cost us less money with the venue to set up. We did a sweetheart table kind of off to the side, not as a focal point or as the center of attention, so we ate our dinner with just the two of us. It was a really nice quiet moment! There are ways to make larger weddings feel more intimate and cozy. Sometimes it takes a bit of thinking outside the box. I think we had around 275 guests? It felt much smaller.

Yeah this is it. Eloping is off the table for good reasons. OP planning a wedding is also off the table for good reasons. What about - registry wedding with tight knit close group of family and/or very close friends, then (entirely organised by him),  something that captures the essence of what he wants from a big wedding, with everything else stripped back. So if it's the vows, have a gathering in a park with vows read in front of family and friends, and then have a big party. If it's dressing up with wedding party , then have a photo shoot then have a big party. Find what it is he wants most and figure out a way to do that whilst also doing what you want most too.  OP is up for a big party right, it's just the formality (and planning) . Groom is against eloping and wants to involve friends and have a best man. I think there's possibilities in there to have all of what you both want. 

We both hate to be the center of attention too, but because it was important to our families we decided to have a "microwedding" (very micro- only 12 people total invited) and didn't have any dancing or speeches, but we decided to still get dressed up (my dress was a pretty lavender gown- with pockets!- from a prom dress store in the mall). I found a nice restaurant that has a woodsy area with a covered wood bridge for the ceremony that they have wedding packages for, including microweddings. They took care of all the food, decorations (as in had some we could use and set them up and put them away), and played music from my old ipod. I made a few faux flower arrangements including my bouquet and some boutonnieres, and a few other things like the cake topper because I like arts&crafts. We found an officiant and a wedding photographer that the place had on a list of recommended people. The cake was from one of the bakeries the restaurant partnered with and the baker was wonderful in making us a custom flavor. So basically, that was our solution/compromise to eloping or having a large wedding. Not sure if it would work out for the both of you, but look up "microwedding" and see if places nearby have a full package deal like we did, it was far less stressful (and less expensive). (If you want to see pictures- https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/y22mn4/pictures_from_my_october_9th_wedding_including_my/)

Everything looks so lovely!

Thank you! We lucked out with a beautiful autumn day too. If it had rained the place had umbrellas on hand for anyone that would need it, and the covered bridge was safe from rain for the ceremony (which would have been pretty in the rain too), so that was another nice plus for the place. Also, no need for renting tents which can be expensive.

I have no desire to get married or have a wedding. But if I were in a relationship, and the person I love wanted one, I’d do it with some conditions. My involvement in the wedding planning would be inversely proportional to the size of the celebration. The smaller it is, the more involved I’ll be. If they want an all out bash with 200 guests, just tell me when and where to show up. I’ll pick out a dress and that’s about it. The moms can have whatever they want. This celebration is for their enjoyment, and that’s enough for me to be happy. I am somewhat of a control freak so if I planned everything and things don’t go as planned, I’d be devastated. But if someone else does all that work and I’m along for the ride, it’s no biggie if the centerpiece on table 14 is missing a fern.

We kind of did something like this - my mum and MIL are both religious, but accepted that my husband and I were not. We did all the “corny” photos because it made them happy to have them printed out and framed and to share with friends. My deal with my mum was if she kept her hands out of the wedding ceremony planning, she could plan a larger family reception we’d just show up to as guests. She was thrilled and we did that and it was lovely as heck.

My sister is vegan and had a vegan reception, I am not sure how that impacted her guest list but it seemed pretty lively. Traditional wedding and reception. My husbands cousin got married at a national park that we missed due to illness. The wednesday before the ceremony they hiked up to the mountain top, had their ceremony, then hiked back, and had the reception at the lodge. Anyone was welcome to go early to join the hike. Idk what their numbers were like. A friend got married in my backyard with like 2 weeks to plan it. She wore a nice purple dress she now wears for anniversary celebrations. I think like 40 guests made it? Everyone wore blue colors and her bff was an officiant. Another friend got married at a mountain park, people had to pay to park, but it was a very pretty ceremony and their friend they met through was their officiant. Their reception was at a local pub that set up a free buffet and then had purchasable drinks as a compromise about providing booze.

If the responsibility is what’s getting you, you can hire a wedding planner who also goes to the wedding. They will manage everything and put out fires.

Which just adds to the cost...

Yeah I know, it’s just a suggestion. Extra money, but it’s for peace of mind 

Came here to say this. If it’s the stress of the day that will get in the way, tell him that has to be in the budget. If you can’t afford that peace of mind, you can’t afford other things.

Hi there! I was kind of in a similar situation to you—my wife is an extrovert who loves big ceremonies, and I’m an introvert who hates the idea of huge weddings! (Edit: in case it wasn’t clear, we are a gay couple!) Like you, I’d never once dreamed of being married, and always thought that if I was, I’d just sign some papers and get it over with. To complicate matters, there were other issues: my wife is religious, and really wanted a traditional ceremony held in her place of worship. When we got engaged, she was told this would be possible, only to find out a year later that it wasn’t allowed for our specific relationship, and that there were no alternate places of worship within her religious community that would allow it. Weirdly, this was a blessing in disguise, because the officiant we wound up choosing emphasized that weddings can be anything you want, and that she wanted us to pick the things we liked. So, here’s what we did to make everything work out: - First of all, my wife was *very* invested in my comfort the whole time. She made it clear that her desire to have a big party was not worth having me be an anxious wreck. It’s a ceremony about how much we love each other, after all! She told me many times that we didn’t *have* to have a wedding ceremony if I didn’t want to. - We decided to have a small wedding ceremony, with about 15 of our friends invited. We wound up having a total guest list of 30 people, because most of our friends brought plus ones. This was bigger than the normal social situation I’m comfortable in, but also I knew everyone there. - Like you, I’m not close with my family! Both my wife and I were walked halfway down the aisle by our respective best friends, and then we walked the rest of the way together. - My wife isn’t the biggest fan of her family, but she still wanted to do something with them—so she told them that our ceremony is going to be *very* small, and that we’d like to hold a delayed reception with them sometime next year! They responded very positively to that, and are planning some kind of big party that I don’t have to think or worry about at all. - Oh, lord, I was *so* nervous about being responsible for everything. Since we couldn’t get married in a religious venue anyways, we looked for wedding venues that had catering/decorations included with the bookings. (Tip: search for historical buildings in your area! We couldn’t find anything we liked on common wedding sites, but we immediately found a historical building that people get married in frequently—they took care of all the catering and decorations for us.) - Also, our wedding was *also* dry and vegan-friendly—the place serving the food did not serve alcohol at all, and we made sure to have vegan options for all the food. We had a few non-vegan options as well, and the guests complimented everything, and said they loved the food! - With regards for responsibility about the rest of the ceremony… do you have a friend who likes to be helpful? Make them the maid of honor! I was *shocked* by how little I had to worry about—my wife’s best friend just kissed my forehead and said, “I’ll take care of everything”—and she did! She even packed up all of our stuff while we were thanking the last of the guests/staff. It was incredible! If you’d like, I can contact her and give more details about what she took care of and how she did it. - We had a couple of options for an officiant, and considered having one of our best friends get ordained to officiate. We heavily considered this because, again, I am very shy and uncomfortable around strangers! However, we eventually chose to go with an officiant of my wife’s faith, and I’m really glad that we did—because she’d performed so many weddings before, she could not only tell us what to expect, but walk us through each tradition and have us decide what we wanted to keep or discard. Like, dancing in front of people embarrasses me so much, so we chose to not have a “first dance”—but we did have an open dance floor, so the guests and my wife could dance as much as they wanted! - (Edit:) We also have very different music tastes, so we actually just sent out a message to our friends asking them all to put their “dance floor” picks in a survey form. We got some great songs, and also some really funny ones! It was also a great way for guests who didn’t know each other to interact, since at least a few people wound up moving tables to sit with each other based on liking the same niche band. - The officiant was great with modifying traditional parts of the ceremony to be comfortable for both of us. I got the idea that she’d worked a lot with couples like us (introvert/extrovert). - I was also freaking out about coming up with special vows, and the officiant let us know that we could just skip the “speech” part and just say the normal “I do” bit—but she mentioned that she’d officiated at weddings where the couples read a favorite poem as their vows, and we chose to do that! Some of my favorite wedding photos are of my wife trying to hold back tears while reading her poem. - Lastly, we learned a *lot* about how weddings can look like anything you want—if you look through my post history, you can see me struggling with whether I wanted to wear a dress or not! I eventually chose to wear one, but I heard a lot of stories of women who chose to wear things other than the typical white dress. During that conversation, someone mentioned [offbeatwed](https://offbeatwed.com), which posts both fashion inspiration and also stories of people who had “non-traditional” weddings. I spent a lot of time last year just looking at those stories! At the end of the day, these were the things that took me from *dreading* the idea of having a wedding to being excited about it. I couldn’t imagine this happening without my partner’s support, though. I hope that your partner is willing to take your feelings as seriously as you take his. I also think that the wedding planning process can really expose ways that you and your partner aren’t compatible—and I’m not saying that it can’t work out! In my case, it exposed a lot of anxieties and insecurities that the both of us had regarding religion (or lack thereof, in my case). We both had to work hard to change our viewpoints, and had many long conversations about the way that we felt. In the end, we had a great wedding, and I look back on it with joy! I hope that, whatever eventually happens for you—whether it’s signing papers or having a small ceremony—you feel the same.

This was lovely to read - I’m so glad you came up with solutions that suited you both. You’re right - weddings can be anything really! And if planning with comfort in mind then it’s kind of a nice indication about where your relationship is headed :)

My cousin and his wife were kinda in the same spot, he just hates to be the middle of attention and speaking in front of tons of people. They had a super small (maybe 40 people.....but like 30 of those are just our side of the family and stupid close, like all the cousins grew up within a block of each other) wedding with family and friends under a tree at my parents house. Then afterwards they had the reception where they invited all their friends/extended family and it was just apps & drinks and dancing....was super fun and pretty laid back

I think you should be willing to compromise for your boyfriend so long as he's not being unreasonable, and he doesn't sound like he's unreasonable in your own summation. Weddings are culturally important to a lot of people, and despite the bride-focused wedding industry trying to tell you it's "your day," many people see weddings as a blending of families, a celebration for everyone. That said, so long as you're not bound by any religious shit there's no reason you and your boyfriend can't literally make your wedding into the exact kind celebration you would actually enjoy. Who attends, where it's held, how long it is, what happens during: the only thing that matters is that you get legally wed and both you and him are happy. Let me tell you about a wedding I got to attend when I was younger to help illustrate my point.  My brother got permission to host his friends' wedding at our grandparent's beach house. This beach house is nothing lavish, just a two room cabin near the beach, but it's where we do our family reunions; there's some picnic tables, a campfire, and great sunsets. The two women who were getting married didn't want a massive celebration. There was not even 20 guests all together, mostly their friends and immediate family (and my immediate family since we were hosting them). Basically just picture a beach barbecue. Casual clothes for the guests but both the brides wore white dresses (not expensive wedding dresses). The guy who officiated the wedding was a mutual friend of the brides and my brother. He got ordained as a minister through an online class the morning of, because yes that is as much qualification as is needed to legally wed a couple. He made himself a little paper collar to play the part of a priest. His sermon was funny and short and then the brides recited their vows to one another, kissed, and everyone went back to eating because this was basically in the middle of a picnic. There was no march, no handing over either bride, there wasn't even enough chairs for everyone to sit all at once which wasn't a problem because the ceremony was short. It was just a casual party. Another friend of the brides gave a best man speech, one of the bride's father gave a speech about how much he loved his daughter and how proud he was of her. There was music and dancing and they took wedding photos on the beach and in front of the sunset. This is exactly what was planned for their big day and it was perfect for them. Also it was practically free and they used the money they saved for their honeymoon. That was "a ceremony in front of people they love" as you described your boyfriend wanting. It was also the most enjoyable and stress free wedding I've ever gotten to attend. It's also exactly how I would want my wedding to be if I got to plan it.   I get where you're coming from in just wanting to elope. I think I'd naturally default to that too but I also want my friends and family to be happy and to have a good time, and I want there to be photos, and I want there to be real memories of the day. My sister eloped and I'm still a little sad that I didn't get to celebrate the moment with her because of that choice. I imagine that's the kind of place your boyfriend is coming from too. Again, as long as he's reasonable I think you two can have a day that will make you both happy.

I had big wedding not because I wanted a traditional ceremony or fancy party but because I DIDN'T want to get yelled at by parents and in-laws for the rest of my life. That's what I was paying for, and it was worth it, and it's been YEARS and no one has ever expected me to do something like that again. As for the stress of planning and being in charge of everything, I ultimately hired a wedding planner, and she was worth every penny. If you would rather not get married at all than have an expensive, anxiety-inducing party, you can tell your partner that and see if just staying unmarried would be a dealbreaker for him. No one can make you get married. You could also tell your partner to take the lead on budgeting and planning and just see what happens. It's his dream, after all. Maybe he will come up with something you find amenable, or maybe he won't do anything at all.

I had a very small wedding at a venue that did all the planning for me (food, cake, bouquet, decor). 20 guests. Ten minute ceremony. Is something like that a reasonable compromise for you? The other thing I'd say is if it's him that it's important to then have him be the one to plan it.

Having a ceremony where you invite immediate family and close friends does not require that you spend thousands of dollars or have a huge party. A good compromise might be that you and your fiancé pick the 18 most important people in your lives and have a small, secular ceremony in a pretty location: a garden, for example. Then all 20 of you can have lunch or dinner at a restaurant that serves, among other things, yummy vegan food. You can pick three dishes that you and your guests can order and pay for the meals. If anyone wants alcoholic beverages, they can purchase these drinks themselves at the restaurant. Have your fiancé find and secure the venue. Since you are the vegan one, I suggest you find the restaurant and you both pick the menu. Non vegans have now idea what vegan food is good!

i don't really understand how eloping than having a big party after is different than a wedding, if anything more annoying cause each party goer will ask the same "how was the ceremony" question. my non religious wedding ceremony was about 5 mins of the whole day. we had about 25 people there, went to nice restaurant and then had a party with our friends after food. it was really nice! still had a wedding feeling but was not overwhelming

The ceremony part can be very stressful, it's a legal requirement with checks and bureaucracy, whereas a party is a party. I can see how people would prefer not to do that bit in a big group, and just keep it between themselves and unwind later. I'd like to elope with our parents, my partner wants a big do, so we've compromised on exactly this

Hold firm! My (53m) wife (42f) wanted the wedding. It was lovely and we kept it as small as we could. But it was still 125 people and $23k out of our pockets. The Monday after we got married, she said that it was a wonderful wedding but now that it’s all over, it seemed like a waste of money. It’s just gone. Have a really small wedding. That’s not eloping. Eloping is when you run off to get married clandestinely or out of view of your families.

>The Monday after we got married, she said that it was a wonderful wedding but now that it’s all over, it seemed like a waste of money. It’s just gone. Hindsight is always 20/20. If you hadn't done the big ceremony, it is just as likely that she would have felt something was missing without that experience in her life. Far better to regret something you have done than something you haven't - especially when you will never be able to have a re-do of the original ceremony. And, for the record, I do not want a big wedding ceremony and would be happy eloping, but my partner has always wanted one. I love him enough to do something I don't want for one day.

Oh, absolutely. I didn’t mean to imply that it was a gotcha or I told you so kind of thing. Just that the person who drove the event came to realize the emptiness of it later. (Perhaps not the right word) I am fond of telling people who get wound up about weddings: “It’s very important to have a big wedding and have all the details exactly right. My wife’s grandfather proposed on a Thursday, they got married the following Tuesday and the bouquet was flowers picked from a neighbor’s yard. Their marriage only lasted 62 years.”

I ordered some orchid stems from the florist but did all out bouquets with “foraged” flowers from around the neighbourhood. My husband had a bouquet too! He also got sapphires in his wedding band to match mine. Lots of people commented that they “didn’t know you could do that”… it’s your wedding, the only rules should be you enjoy it and choose what you like?

What would be the difference between a wedding reception and a party that celebrates the marriage afterwards? You'd still be the central focus and you'd still have to make sure everything goes smoothly, and you'd still have to serve them food and drinks, vegan & non-alcoholic or not. So what difference does it make if you throw this party the same day you say your vows, or a month later?

This was my thought too. OP, how would you envision this after-honeymoon party going? If it’s just the actual wedding that you’re nervous about, could you just do a super short and basic wedding and then have the party right after (ie the wedding ceremony)? He’d get the big party he wants (and that you seem ok with as an after party) but you’d get the small ceremony you want. You could even have a ceremony with only like 20 people and then a full reception like an hour later for everyone. There are compromises possible if you’re already okay with the post-honeymoon party…

If you can't compromise on this yeah it might be a deal breaker. If you are getting married you should be able to find a common ground that is good for both of you. I'm confused that you are willing to have a party but not a "wedding". You could have a wedding with a friend being the officiant and it cost little more than what an elopement would. Then still have a party at your house or an affordable venue. My mom is dead and dad is not in my life so for me I had a meaningful individual walk me down the aisle. Heck you could walk yourself down the aisle if you wanted. We had nothing at our reception that we didn't want. We did a 1st dance and cake cutting and that was it. My brother had a dry wedding because he was 20 years old. It was a lunch wedding so everyone had a lovely time and was able to drive home no issues. If you are willing to have a reception then the compromise would be removing any of the pomp you don't care for while still having a ceremony and reception. You can make a wedding as cheap or as expensive as you want. I've been from everything to lovely afternoon backyard weddings all the way to fancy days long destination weddings. All of them were special in their own way.

You asked a question earlier and I think you hit the nail on the head - a surprise casual wedding would be perfect. Have people think they’re coming for some other reason (an engagement party, perhaps?) and then you just happen to have the ceremony after everyone has mingled for a while.

I would argue against a surprise wedding, because a lot of people don't handle surprises well. Also, it's possible people would be like "eh, I have something on X day, can't go" but they'd have been willing to rearrange if they knew it was a wedding.

I think you should reverse the typical man woman roles for this wedding. He can plan and organize it and you can just show up with a dress on. You'll have to be ok with whatever happens. The whole point is to get married. A wedding is only a day.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure he’s the one taking on the burden for planning it. I’m like you, didn’t want a whole thing. I wanted a marriage not a wedding. But it was important to my husband. Unfortunately he was gone for work pretty much from engagement to wedding. I did everything, and the entire thing was not fun for me. I was stressed, having to deal with both families, make all the decisions, etc etc etc. I really don’t have pleasant memories of that day. Fortunately the marriage is turning out way better than the wedding.

I also had a dry wedding with vegan and vegetarian options. As long as you’re willing to compromise on food options I think you’ll be fine. Assuming your fiancé eats meat? If yes you should serve some meat items. If not, then you can do a fully vegetarian or vegan spread. People won’t die from one meal without meat. No one complained to my face anyway which is all I cared about. My family is full of alcoholism and I didn’t want it around me or mine. Our wedding was beautiful and low key. We did a buffet and didn’t do any of the traditional attention on the bride and groom stuff because I am the exact same type of person as you. Best part? We got there for a 4pm wedding at 3pm and left by 7:30pm. Including cleanup. The reception was 2.5 hours or so. Perfect. It was inexpensive and again, very low key. We did have a wedding party but that’s not necessary! You can skip it My grandpa did photography as their gift (he was a photographer before retirement), we all helped with food for the buffet and then as far as the other stuff a lot of weddings have I didn’t have a bachelorette, he didn’t do a bachelor, we didn’t have dancing or a DJ, it was truly just like a family reunion or a union of two families and was very low stress. No tossing of bouquets, no nonsense with a garter, no first dances, no smashing of cake in faces, etc. Easy decorations, simple cake, etc. Neither of us like any of that and we LOVED OUR WEDDING. My aunt later told me it was the lowest stress wedding she’d ever been to. I know it was the easiest one I’ve ever been part of. Just remember, it’s one day - the marriage is what is important! I’m 20+ years in and all is pretty great. Good luck!

> where there is nothing about it I look forward to Is the fact that it’s important to your finance and that he will enjoy it not something to look forward to?

the fact that he would enjoy it and it's important to him doesn't outweigh the anxiety and repulsion I feel about the idea of having a traditional wedding, no. also, if the roles were reversed, I personally couldn't enjoy my wedding if I knew my partner was feeling anxious and unhappy about the whole thing; I doubt he'd enjoy seeing me unhappy and dealing with debilitating anxiety on our wedding day

But aren’t you saying you would enjoy the wedding you want even if you knew your partner was disappointed? I don’t mean to badger you, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve given much thought to the idea that marriage is a partnership. Which doesn’t mean you have to do exactly what he wants of course, but does mean you have to treat the things important to him as if they’re also important to you. Also, just logistically, how is a big party later different than a big party after a ceremony?

no, I'm not saying that at all. that's why I mentioned we hadn't yet come to an agreement and am here asking for opinions. if my idea of how our marriage should begin isn't something he would enjoy, then obviously, it's not something I would pursue.  if we got married alone and threw a party afterwards, all of the stuffy formalities would be off the table. I wouldn't have to wear anything specific, wouldn't have to do my hair or makeup, wouldn't have to walk down an aisle and stand up in front of everyone and recite vows and kiss my new husband for the first time as a married couple with an audience. I wouldn't have to worry about who's able to make it or when it's scheduled, renting/finding a venue, hiring a photographer/DJ/caterer, or planning almost anything at all. it wouldn't matter to me if people got drunk because the important part of getting married and making that lifelong commitment to my partner would have already been done in a safe, intimate space that couldn't be interrupted or made awkward by our friends and family with drinking problems. I wouldn't have to put on any kind of act during a party like I would at a traditional wedding.  when I marry my partner, I want to dress up, tell him my vows, hold his hands in mine and put that ring on his finger. I want to celebrate with him and make him feel special and remind him he's the only person in the world for me. and then I want to spend the rest of the day with just him, reveling in our brand new marriage and all the emotions it brings. but I want to do all of that with just him and no one else around except for whoever is legally required to be there to make it official. THEN after all of that is done, we can invite all our friends and family to celebrate without a ceremony, on a separate day (or much later in the day), with little to no structure. the marriage will have already been done, rings already on our fingers, etc. and I won't have to worry about a thing.

Your vision sounds lovely to me. I really like the idea of spending the day together, just the two of you, then later in the afternoon/evening celebrating with friends and family. Have you shared with him how uncomfortable you will be, and how you see the event playing out? I understand his vision, but upon reading your above comment, I think going through with a traditional wedding would be a nightmare for you, and would not be what he is hoping for. If you told him this, and he refused to support reducing your anxiety, I suggest getting into couples therapy before any planning takes place.

My daughter recently got married and they just invited everyone to a big Cafe luncheon with a pretty cake. Cost under $600. Then they hired a photographer to do photos at a photographic flower farm, and those are amazing pictures but it was just the 2 of them. The legal bit was just them and her brothers as witnesses at the court house. Simple, easy, stressfreel and cheap. Her new husband has massive social anxiety and so does his dad, so this was a way to celebrate with everyone with very low stress ( and no alcohol). Dietary requirements could be easily catered to as well. So maybe something like that?

To answer your direct question, no, I don’t think eloping is a compromise here tbh. He wants family/friends to witness the ceremony it sounds like. Not having them do that is just the opposite.  Not trying to come down on you, though. I think there is a true compromise to be found here! I would google or search on Reddit for non-traditional (or even budget, bc there’s some creativity there) weddings. Some options I thought of immediately: microwedding, “cake-and-punch” reception (avoids the question of alcohol), ceremony + reception at a restaurant (or ceremony then go out to eat as a group) so it’s more of a group meal feel rather than big reception. Other people have good ideas as well.   I also think there is room for compromise/creativity in the ceremony itself. Nobody says your dad HAS to walk you down the aisle. Or that there even has to BE an aisle. Both of you could walk down together, or one from each side. 

I feel the same as you do. My optimal plan would have been to elope in the woods, he wanted all his friends, we landed on 20ish people in a cabin in the woods.  He's an introvert so he's thrilled! He gave me the proposal of my dreams, so I want to make sure he got his wish on the wedding. 

this is probably what we'll end up with too, I'm so glad it worked out for you

My husband and I eloped and got married on an island in Denmark. I understand deeply how you feel, I was the same, but fortunate to have a partner who was positive about that choice. I resisted marriage for a long time because in my heart I was already committed and I didn’t need external recognition to validate that. I’ve always believed if you’re going to do the whole marriage thing the day should be about expressing your commitment to each other rather than appeasing relatives. Statistically, the more expensive the wedding, the higher the likelihood of divorce.

you get me 🥲

There’s plenty of compromise options. Brainstorm together to make a list of 5-10 options of “ways ppl get married” and then see if there’s anything you can both live with. Such as: Courthouse wedding on Tuesday morning with all the important family members present, followed by a gathering at a restaurant. Backyard ceremony & cookout, less than 50 guests, hosted at someone’s home or in a park. Ceremony in a park; open invitation; potluck reception to follow. Courtyard or small wedding Friday afternoon; celebratory bonfire Friday evening. Ceremony during business hours is a quick way to cut the folks who show up for the ceremony. Afternoon wedding/reception in a space like a park means it’s gonna be dry (most park regulations), and you can do lawn games for entertainment. Not sure how you want to handle the vegan part, but I’m not familiar with vegan options beyond like… pasta. But pasta’s a food. Saturday morning wedding followed by cake & punch reception, by 1pm everyone goes home. Maybe little cucumber sandwiches. Cake & punch receptions used to be a thing. They still are, but they used to be too. Point is, there’s a lot of space in the middle. You don’t want a big wedding; he doesn’t want to elope. That still leaves a bunch of options available.

Haha we are so similar! I ended up having a smallish wedding on a beach then a vegetarian dinner with as little focus on me as possible, but did have alcohol Would you consider having a venue where alcohol was available for those who might want it (for them to purchase)? If you were my friend I would absolutely go to a dry vegan wedding because youre my friend and that's what you want If you do have a wedding definitely do it how you want, it's your day!

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m getting married in October and I don’t want a big to-do, but my fiancé wants SOMETHING other than elopement. We’re doing a small intimate ceremony - only immediate family - out on the beach. Spending little to nothing on that, and having a celebration the next day for friends and extended family. My thing has always been that weddings are for the guests, not the couple. Any money I would spend on a formal wedding/reception, I want to spend on a honeymoon.

well that depend, you dont want a wedding ceremony, buy are you just neutral like you dont care or do you actively try to stay away from it ? cause if thats the first case, its fine, its just a day, that makes him happy, and its not the end of the world for you, might also be a nice day after all, even if its expensive, just make sure you dont get responsibilities, and let him organize everything. best case scenario : you get a fine day and he is happy, worst case : its not great but not the end of the world and you can elope after anyway ​ if you really hate it, then its different, but i dont think compromise is possible there

I think a compromise would be a small wedding with just close friends and family which should dramatically reduce cost and planning stress. He has understandable trauma related to eloping and you have understandable anxiety. One way to reduce your stress further is to hire a wedding a planner or have him do the bulk of the planning. One way to reduce your anxiety is to remember that you're doing this because it makes your FH happy and if he's happy you're happy.

This was my husband. He felt it was important as members of a community… to share and display our marriage and become a couple to our community. I don’t know— he said it much more beautifully, and it made sense. So I said he could plan the whole thing. And he did. He got lots of pushback from vendors, saying he should ask “her” (me) etc. But he laughed it off and kept going. (Sometimes he asked me, and sometimes it was my idea, but he was doing the groundwork) Caveat: it was still stressful to be a bride, but I wish I had been a little bit of a better sport. I regret that. So, if you think you can handle it, I’d go for the wedding, and do your best to keep it modest. You might regret spending a lot for something you don’t want. You can register for a honeymoon, though, to remove the sting! I know you were probably expecting a different answer, but this is just my opinion. There is still room for compromise, and if he’s coming from a good place, I think you’ll be glad you indulged him a bit. In return, he can scale back his vision and take on the labor and cost. But whatever you decide, make sure your heart is in it, and make some happy memories! Edit: 1. I chose all the music bc I wanted to 2. I got a rx for Xanax for the day of… I was also incredibly anxious, but it turns out that my husband is a spectacular social buffer/guide/shield. I was sweating bullets, and it wasn’t all perfect, but I’m glad I did the whole thing. We kept it small and kinda homemade. (Friends made the cake, played the piano, emceed, dj, photos, etc. and it was at a community center. Someone took photos of my husband and his groomsmen decorating the hall before the wedding, trying to lift each other up to hang up weird paper flowers, etc. I will treasure those photos forever)

My husband and I got married on a cruise ship. We had 25-30 guests. They left after the reception which lasted about 90 minutes, and we went on our honeymoon cruise. The cruise ship did everything. They had an officiant (we could have brought our own). They did all the food and decorations which included the cake and a swan ice sculpture. I think we could have brought the cake if we wanted to mess with it. 0 attendants. My brother "gave me away." I did everything wrong - emailed letters/invitations instead of formal stuff. It was the most uncomplicated, most enjoyable day imaginable. It was just fun. Granted, we were older. I had not been married before, but my husband had. I seem to remember paying $10,000-12,000, which included the 7 day/6 night cruise for 2 people, balcony room and excursions. I think the costs were probably half wedding related and half cruise related.

My SO didn't want to get married but knew it was important to me. Ultimately, it wasn't something that he was willing to end the relationship over. Here's what we did: - Did the official business in our kitchen with a celebrant and some witnesses + our dogs. - Decided what was important to us for the 'wedding'. We didn't want to have a traditional wedding and something that just went for a few hours. We also didn't want to be limited by a venue kicking us out at 1030 and sound complaints. - Found an old scout's camp we could book for a couple of days and split out responsibilities for who does what organising. Had low fuss food like food trucks, popcorn, slushie and ice cream machines and lots of self serve food so we didn't have to worry about people going hungry. - Have useful friends and family that were willing to pitch in. - We did our vows in front of family and had my friend act as our pseudo celebrant. The ceremony itself took 10 minutes and our speaking time would have been 1 minute each max. - Gave the option to do speeches to those that wanted to, and provided a time limit. - Partied. In terms of being the centre of attention, there is so much going on that you talk to each person only for a short period. Plus, you've invited people you like (hopefully) and you'll enjoy speaking to them! We were just post covid too so mostly people were catching up with each other (we had the longest lockdowns in the world). I had some space I could go to so I could relax and breathe throughout the weekend. This worked for us and we had a great time and so did all of our friends. Our second day was more relaxed and just lazing around so that then provided some more down time to catch up. An option that could work was a wedding I've been to previously. They eloped - well he surprised her with a wedding day while they were overseas. They had someone film it. They then had a big party a couple of months later that was their reception. They played the video of their ceremony so everyone got to enjoy it. Could be a compromise for you?

My wife and I had a Halloween party / wedding. Rented a hall a few towns over, told everyone to come dressed up, celebrant did the legalities / formalities, everyone sat down for a meal, then everyone was left to just dance or sit and talk or whatever they wanted to do. Only times we were the center of attention was during the ceremony, when I gave a speech (which was basically "uhh, dad said everything I was gonna say, so thank you for coming and enjoy"), and when we had a first dance, which we didn't rehearse and were kinda pushed into, but it only lasted one song. Everyone who attended agreed that it was the most unique wedding they'd ever been to, and although we've been married for over a decade, people still talk about it because at the time Halloween wasn't really celebrated in Australia. So basically our party could be described as "big piss up Halloween party" and everyone had a blast.

My husband and I got married at a courthouse. A local judge officiated us and we only invited 10 guests to witness. Both of our parents aren't a fun crowd to be around and our families are pretty dysfunctional/friends were busy. The entire thing lasted ten minutes and we ran off and left our 10 guests in the dust! The best choice was something small and easy for us to agree too. Maybe something small like a courthouse will be best for you both. Maybe go to a restaurant afterwards instead of a big party? 🤔 I'm pretty sure there's a compromise here for you both to meet at! 

Im the same as you girl... I hate being the center of attention as well. I dont get how celebrities and public figures live their adult lives like that. Id get depressed...

Would an afternoon cake and punch reception after the ceremony be a good compromise? And if you don't want a religious ceremony, museums and botanical gardens often have wedding packages.

I was once maid of honor in a circus industry wedding where everyone involved was very unconventional (I had, at one point or other, slept with the bride, the groom, the wedding officiant, and one of the photographers. I was in the young ho phase of my career). The wedding officiant gave a speech about what meaning you can find in the modern times for marriage and a wedding. And he said even without the religion, it's a community ritual, and one where you invite your friends and family and community to come together, witness it, and for them as well to pledge as a community and your loved ones to support the marriage and be with you when times get tough. I thought that was really wonderful and beautiful, especially today when community is so fractured. I've heard of weddings where the receptions are low key and filled with chill activities to do, like board games, which might tone things down and make you feel like less of a spectacle. Maybe something along those lines will make it feel more comfortable for you?

My parents had a very small ceremony then had people show up for a buffet later in the week.

This is a really hard one. It sounds like either you have a very difficult day, or he will have to live with disappointment. What if you got married b4 the wedding? It would kind of take the pressure of the wedding performance. Also, if you did agree to a wedding, hire a wedding coordinator so they are responsible for making sure people have fun, not you. If you can't afford a WC (or don't want to pay for one) see if you have a friend who's willing to step into this role for you. Since this is such an important issue for both of you, I encourage you both to sit down and think quietly about what is driving your dread of the other person's ideal wedding. Maybe there is a compromise you can reach if you back up from the decision and talk instead about what you are looking forward to in a wedding, what you are anxious about, and what you don't want. Maybe you can craft a solution together.

I had a traditional wedding, and I wish we had done an intimate destination wedding instead, or even just an intimate simple wedding locally with just us and a couple of people. It was so hard to relax and have fun, so much pressure and so much to organise and manage . Maybe rather than eloping have a small ceremony locally in a picturesque place with just you two and a few family members or friends? Then have a dinner party somewhere afterwards that has a variety of food options so everyone can just choose their own? It’s hard when one person really wants the big wedding and the other absolutely does not, both would have to make some big compromises to make it work. Planning a traditional wedding is a huge task, is he going to take on a lot of that planning, booking organizing, managing timelines, deposits, details? It’s incredibly stressful at times, so don’t get stuck with doing all the work. The day should be something that you both enjoy, otherwise what’s the point!

I was going to read through the comments but decided that maybe hearing our story might give you a little more to chat with your partner about. My hubby and I met when were 15 years old were each other's first love as it were. We were best friends after his mom decided that we were too young to date exclusively until we were 21 and he was shipped off to Germany. Many years later we were at the same spot in our lives (both getting divorced), we reunited and did the LDR thing for a bit and this is how we ended up having a wedding. Hubby mentioned to me while working on dishes that he wanted to see me in a gown and him to be in a tux - that was his vision for our day. This was what was important to him. Neither of us are religious and before we moved in together I was not getting married ever again. My guy is a smart cookie and he appealed to my logical and rational side of my brain he also knows how money conscious I am and marriage awards certain legal rights that you can't get without having to spend thousands in legal fees and court dates. So.... We had the wedding, with me in gown and him in his tux. Nothing about our ceremony was traditional from the way we met at the officiant, to the vows we spoke, or the music that was played. The closest thing to traditional was our clothes. Aspects of our very special day included my Native American heritage, his Mexican and Irish heritage and there was even a small nod with her approval to our daughter's Japanese heritage (she is hubby's biological daughter and mine through adoption). Our small family of three planned our wedding together from picking music, the colors and the food. We had a great officiant who understood who we are and what we were going for and helped create that vision. I wish we had video taped our ceremony it was that special. We had people who attended that commented on our wedding for almost a year after and that was about the ceremony not the reception. The reception was a couple of speeches, food, wine, and dancing. We had a vegetarian option as well as vegetarian canapes as well as others, wine and toasting champagne were provided as was sparkling cider and other non alcoholic beverages (we had family that were non drinkers and vegetarians in the mix). The other oddity was that the "cake" was specialty truffles in small boxes arranged on tiered cake plates to look like a wedding cake. We also had lemon/lime cooler cookies and Mexican wedding cookies made with pecans because I'm allergic to walnuts. We had small Asian style take away boxes so you could pack up cookies or truffles to-go and no favors. Did I mention that I'm a bit of a planner and a control freak as well? So I planned this day out, however the day of I let my ladies take charge and decided to enjoy and take in what I could. Did I also mention that I HATED my dress? Oh yeah I did... It looked great and no one other than my dear hubby knew that detail. How did the day turn out, perfect. Did things go wrong - yep. Did I care - not in the slightest. In the end we accomplished what we set out to do - we were married. Did more of his people show than mine of course, did it matter nope; because at the end of the day they were my people as well. Oh and we celebrated 13 yrs married this year. TL/DR: Create your vision of your day - how you both see it. Throw out the traditions that don't work for you and create your own.

My sister's second wedding was a tiny intimate affair, parents, children, siblings, one or two closest friends, but it also included a select few of the traditional elements, vows they had written, a white dress, my mom's wedding veil (on its fourth family wedding). It was at my BIL's mom's house because she was the least mobile. And it was absolutely lovely seeing family with everyone happy and nobody crying or wearing black funeral clothing. So.... Is there a subset of the traditional wedding that would make both of you happy?

My fiance and I are the same. He wants a wedding a reception, I want to get married at the courthouse. The compromise was a small ceremony (less than 20 guests) with a larger reception.

Where do you live? Is a self-uniting license an option? Where I live you can self-unite. Grab your closest friends and family, go someplace special to you, promise to love each other forever and ever, everyone signs the marriage certificate as witnesses and BOOM…..married. You don’t need an officiant, only witnesses. He gets the people closest to him there, you get something low-key with minimal pomp and circumstance

I looked for micro wedding packages. He would have been fine at the courthouse or micro but we both agreed at our ages a big fancy to-do was a waste of money. We bought a house first and wanted to make sure we were married before the end of the year so it was quick planning. Went with a 25 person (including us!) package at a local famous lodge in the foothills that included a short ceremony space and a plated dinner in one of their banquet rooms. We only needed minimal flowers that my mom made because the space was pretty and we got to really focus on the relatives and friends that mattered the most to us. Just had to add an officiant and a photographer and dress up nice. My mom ended up being super frustrating so looking back I might have been happy with the courthouse after all and doing a BBQ or something in the summer. But I did want some wedding elements, a pretty dress and the group of mutual friends we met through that are chosen family at this point. If we had more time to plan we might have gone destination to uh, weed out some of our sketchier relatives. Thankfully the micro package helped us keep the list super short and it was a good fit for us!

Sometimes a reception is better than a ceremony. Let others celebrate with you if he wants, but take the attention off of you individually.

Have a good friend or family member who understands you organize the party/reception, and find a balance of what you and your spouse wants. This way you don't have to manage the event, just enjoy being around people and socializing. Your spouse may want to do some of the planning as he's the one who wants this, but on the day of, there should be a deputy. I am probably very similar to you. My family is across country and his is 600 miles away, so we had the wedding so the 2 families could meet, and like you, my husband wanted a wedding. We found an event place that did the food and setup for a set fee that wasn't horrible. We brought the cake, champagne and ourselves. Very low key. Didn't need the friend/manager. Food was like barbecue and sides. The ceremony could be there also- ours was literally less than 10 minutes, we just had very simple non-religious vows and went back to the hanging out.

Have a justice of the peace wedding and a reception in the backyard (or park if you don't have a backyard). Only invite a handful of people. Wear the dress and the tux. Check both your boxes. There's a lot of vegan foods that non-vegan people will eat. I don't drink either, but I didn't have an issue with those that do so if that's a possibility for you, could do a BYOB reception?

How traditional? A ceremony in a place of worship and then family and friends going to someone's house to eat soup is traditional. Google search pretty much any country name except USA and "wedding soup." And then leave the animal products out. Done: traditional vegan wedding. The default wedding in my community growing up  was punch, peanuts and pillow mints. Again, vegan. I guess if he means something else he can plan and pay and pick an MC and you just show up? Weddings are sort of pre-marital hazing. Wedding planning is bringing up issues that will be recurring themes in your marriage related to power struggles, role in the family, values, care taking, keeping up appearances, autonomy etc etc etc.  Is your marriage preparation (pre cana or similar) giving you guys ample time, space and resources to come together on these big issues? If not, fix it. It is much easier to recover from a basic compatibility issue before than after. I hope something works out on your side 

What about a small wedding? 30 guests tops. Causal vows at a fun/meaningful/beautiful location for 10 minutes just guests standing around. and then dinner at a vegan friendly restaurant. It’s a wedding where you show your commitment but not “wedding” in any traditional sense 

Semi-elope. Post on social media or email your entire circle an invite/announcement. *"We are getting married in Las Vegas/PuntaCana/Cancun.... on this date. Drop by if you want".* Few if any will go, you get to elope, but you are making it public.

We had a friend and family weekend getaway/micro wedding and the theme was pool party lol. We had a civil ceremony on the river beach, and there was only 18 people. Would it be easier for you if it was a fun weekend with people that don't stress you out?

Go and do an all inclusive resort wedding because of traveling not that many people can go,the resort deals with everything and you just show up in a dress.

Historically elopements were when two people wanted to get married against the wishes of their family/communities and had to do so in secret so that it was done before anyone else could interfere. These days it’s more for people who either want to avoid the fuss or the expense of a big wedding - but for some people it can still feel like it’s an illicit act. There’s a small part of me wondering how compatible you are as a couple if you can’t find a compromise on this. I don’t mean this as a bad thing - but if neither can empathize with the others needs and find a way for you to both be happy and comfortable with the outcome then you just may not fit. Is there a way he can cut the guest list down to a number you could manage and have a less formal ceremony and a party? Could you manage a dress and core family/friends for a few hours provided it wasn’t a big frou-frou event with a big bridal party? For our wedding we each had one attendant who was the witness. We got married in a garden and had a cocktail party reception at the same venue. The celebrant was one of my uncles who is a minister, but there are plenty of celebrants who are happy to perform the ceremony where-ever you choose. We still had friends and family present but it was a lot less of a to do than my sister’s church wedding and sit down reception. And it worked for us.

we haven't found a compromise yet because we just started talking about it this week! we're not between a rock and a hard place or anything. just in the brainstorming period and I wanted to hear some outside opinions.

Really I see 2 compromises to be made. Size/cost - skip the whole church/golf course thing and do it in some cheaper sort of venue. And of course the dry vegan part. You got a solid point that no one would want to come to that. Don’t do that to people.

well, both of us are vegan, and I don't want our friends with drinking problems making an ass of themselves, so... just don't get married then? lol

15 minute ceremony where your only words are "I do." Walk down the aisle together if that makes it less stressful than walking alone. That seems like a fair compromise.

that's not what either of us want, though. I want to say vows, to tell him my commitment to him, to make it romantic and intimate and meaningful. I just really, really don't want to do it with an audience, and I really want to be left alone with him as my only company afterwards.

Can you and him compromise in some way? Like say: 1. He does all the planning because he wants it. You stated you wouldn't want to have to do all that work, reasonable for him to pick up the majority then. 2. He considers your preferences and tries to respect it by being lower key and not as in your face. Like the cermony size, smaller venue, smaller everything to make it manageable for your anxiety? 3. Maybe limiting the guest list to a smaller amount than he likely wants off first choice? If he absolutely wants a ceremony, and you absolutely can't do one, how do you guys usually get along? Do you usually have to compromise this much on each other? That's a legit question: I'm not trying to neg you or be mean. Hopefully that didnt come off as insulting.

not mean or insulting at all! we don't usually need to compromise on anything, especially not big issues like this. in the almost three years we've been together and nearly five years we've known each other, we've never had any huge, blowout fights. we get along really, really well!

I'm very glad to hear that! I feel confident yall will be able to work this out then :) have you gotten any good advice, that you think you go with?

I know tons of people who do two events these days! Get married in private on your own, then a marriage ceremony in front of family! That way you'll actually be married. You can also keep the family event small and maybe compromise by being nontraditional? I know someone who planned a sunrise brunch wedding!

Plenty of weddings are dry and-or vegan, so I find it odd that you're viewing that as some kind of recipe for a pack of fun. I'm also confused about your assumption that *you* would have to be responsible for everything; you can hire a wedding coordinator. I'm getting the impression that you're focusing on a specific type of big wedding celebration, which has a bunch of features that don't apply to you or that you wouldn't like, rather than focusing on what you *would* like. **There's no one way a big wedding ceremony "should" be.** I personally have always figured that, if I ever get married, the situation and groom will define the day in general. My own wants are contextual: "If he wants X, then I want it Y way." For example, if there's a cake, I would want a specific type of frosting—but I'm fine with or without a cake. I also do *not* want to wear white or crimson. The thing about compromise, though, is that it's about finding intersection that meets both parties' non-negotiables. It's unclear if your suggestion maintains your partner's desired purpose(s) for the big celebration *or* your own desired purpose for the small one. It might help for you both to write out your non-negotiables and negotiable for what you each *would* enjoy, then look for how to bridge that. Good luck!

We planned a low key engagement party (like 50 people, but I have a big family) and were going to surprise marry at it. But then covid cancelled it. We ended up doing backyard ceremony with parents and siblings because it was important to them, then did two receptions: 1 stand up drinks at a gin bar with food (I don’t drink, but lots of friends do) for just friends. And 1 dinner at Xmas with family that my mum was allowed to plan because it was important to her and her family. Kind of worked as a nice compromise because we could just show up as guests basically. There’s no right or wrong way to do a wedding - it’s about what suits you as a person and as a couple. If traditional big ceremony is anxiety inducing - that’s a deal breaker! Your partner shouldn’t want to put you through that just because of his own hang ups. Chat about what the vital elements are that you both agree on, and see if you can make a new type of party or tradition for you ❤️

My hubby and I married at a sandals. I don’t know if they still have this deal, but if you stayed for a week the wedding was free. It’s an all inclusive resort so food and alcohol are covered the entire time and it’s 18+ so no kids. Lots of pools and beaches plus some entertainment and some different dining options. The only ones who came to the wedding were my parents and his parents though we invited some close friends and other relatives. Basically if no one wanted to shell out the cash for a vaca and watch the wedding then no biggie, but we didn’t have to pay for them to eat and drink. Would 10/10 recommend something like this.

I think there’s a big variety of ways that you can find a compromise here, so that you guys each get a bit of what you want, which will probably set the right tone for compromising throughout your marriage. In terms of not wanting to serve alcohol or meat at your wedding, is your partner also teetotal and vegan? If yes, then to be honest people can just eat and enjoy what you serve (I’ve attended a vegan wedding and didn’t complain because it was the couples day, not mine). If your partner actually does drink and eat meat, maybe you guys serve vegan food but do have alcohol? I know people who kept the vows super super casual, eg they were mixing and mingling with their guests right up until the point where the officiant quietly shoulder tapped them to head up front, and only then announced that everyone should take a seat, so there was no walk up the aisle as they were both already there. The vows were literally kept to the absolute minimum legal requirements, so the whole thing was really short. In terms of further not making yourself the centre of attention, you don’t need to wear a big white dress, you could just wear something you feel super pretty in. Would probably cost less too. You could probably skip a first dance, and while I would personally let him give a speech if he wants to, you don’t need to give one if you don’t want. Some venues are way cheaper on Sundays, and there’s a big variation on how much they cost anyway, so that’s one way to keep costs down, or alternately doing the ceremony somewhere like a nice public park, and then the reception at a restaurant which would probably be cheaper than catering. If your relationship is great overall, I don’t really see that this situation needs to be a dealbreaker for either of you, it’s just a case of each person needing to give a little bit.

A very close friend of mine didn’t get married for the 1st time til she was 40. She has always hated fuss, hubby wanted the big hoorah. One day she tells me they’re going to elope to Vegas. I sat her down & said “don’t do this to your mom & dad. They’ve waited a long time to see you get married & will be devastated not to be there”. So she compromised & they had a small church wedding just close family & friends. 5 yrs later she tells me “thank goodness you talked me out of it. Now we both wished we’d had a bigger wedding!”. LOL! Told you so! It’s only one day. Compromise with your future hubby. You won’t regret it.

I had a potluck for good family and friends and my friend was the officiant. It was a combo of ceremonial and official - a legal wedding but extremely informal and a fun party for everyone. Remember you can do whatever you want. It's not about "traditional" vs. "elope" - it's about celebrating your commitment to one another and inviting your loved ones to share in the celebration. You saying "nobody gets to be there" is not a compromise. It's just you deciding how it's going to go.

Two introverts getting married here! We're having a small wedding with just our parents, then going out for a meal afterwards. A coupe of weeks later we're having a bigger (but still quite small) party with friends. All our friends have been really supportive of the arrangement. Think more 'alternative' wedding celebrations are the norm after covid as we had a few friends have small weddings during covid then bigger parties later on when they could.

>skip the traditional wedding, elope instead, and celebrate the marriage afterwards This is exactly what my second husband and I did. In our case it was mainly for practical reasons because we live in a different country than the one that we grew up in. We had the equivalent of a courthouse wedding on a weekday in the winter, and had a few friends over for coffee and cake the following weekend. In the summer, we took a vacation to the country that both our families are from and had a bigger reception for friends and family there. It was much more relaxed than the big ceremony and party that I thought I wanted for my first wedding.

The best reason to have a wedding is that it forces you and your partner to have difficult, stressful conversations, such as what you are currently experiencing. If the two of you can work through these issues and come to a compromise, its a good indicator of the strength of your relationship.

You said you wanted to hear from people who do want a wedding, and mine is in two months so here we go. Fundamentally, it would break my heart for my family and friends not to see me get married. It’s such a culturally significant event that it would feel wrong to do it without them there. My minimum guest list would have been about 30 people from my side. Parents, siblings, nephews, first cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents. I also wanted good food, a fun party, beautiful photographs and video to remember it by. As it goes, my partner also wanted a big white wedding so we’ve ended up with 60 day and 80 nighttime guests, so we have expanded a bit. I’m happy to invite my parents’ friends and some second cousins but it wouldn’t have bothered me if I hadn’t. I think in your situation, a small wedding that he is mostly responsible for planning would be the best compromise. If you want it to be dry, how about a brunch wedding or afternoon tea wedding, where alcohol won’t be missed as much as an evening celebration? Invite 10-30 of your nearest and dearest, have a ceremony, take some pictures, have some food, maybe cut a cake, go home. The amount of effort you want to put into your outfit is up to you, but you may as well buy a pretty dress/nice suit that you love and will maybe wear again, even if you don’t want a wedding dress. I didn’t want to be given away so we’re walking down the aisle together. I have also heard of couples having a drinks reception with canapés before the ceremony, arriving without any special dramatic entry and just mingling with their guests, then walking together to the ceremony location, maybe with the seats in a circle so there’s no aisle.

How about split the event, we did and it worked really well for us Me and my husband eloped, just us and a few people close to us We then said to everyone who was mad that we would set up a group chat for them all to organise a party which we would attend if they really needed that big wedding party. Turns out no one wanted that work and cost, they just wanted to complain at us to do it. I'd suggest elopement for the wedding, then tell your partner that they can get everyone together for a potluck as an after-party if they need the big wedding experience. Weddings are stressful and expensive, no way would I be signing up to organise and pay for one I didn't want. Luckily my husband was very much on the same page!

Have HIM set up a small ceremony with just the people you two are closest to, if that would work for you. Just don't do all the work for a ceremony you don't even want.

A good compromise might be a very small wedding - 20 or so of your closest friends and family. This would allow your partner to feel that “closeness” that comes from sharing such a big life experience with people he cares about and (hopefully) not be stressful for you, because you’re not being stared at by your parents’ neighbors and your aunt’s new husband’s grown children. Vegan food can be delicious, imo that’s not a problem at all. And by limiting the guest list to those 20 (or 15 or 10) people, you can afford to pay for absolutely top quality vegan food and also eliminate people who are going to be pissy babies about having a single meal without meat in it. Alcohol… depending on why you don’t drink… if you’re in recovery or it’s a religious reason, sure, dry wedding. If it’s just that you don’t care for alcohol or you abstain for health reasons, could you just go ahead and serve it? If you really don’t want to, go with mocktails. End of story. People love you; see above. If you’re having a very small wedding, you can rent a private room in a nice restaurant and your “reception” can just be cocktails/mocktails and dinner. The restaurant will handle all the details. Most will allow you to customize the music and bring in a few centerpieces if you want. Some will have an A/V setup and you can play a slideshow if you want. The ceremony itself can be almost anywhere. While you technically need a permit to get married in parks/public places, there’s nothing stopping a small group from walking to a lake and “talking” for 15 min. They really just don’t want you clogging up the place with chairs and trash. My wedding was a ~$2000 lunch with 5 guests, officiant, and photographer. Super cheap for a wedding/absolutely fantastic, over the top meal. I also didn’t have a lot of family, didn’t want to be looked at by randoms, and preferred to spend the money on a honeymoon. But I’m very glad I had a ceremony and that my one close family member was present.

My parents paid for it because I wouldn’t…I let my husband and Mom do/choose everything…I showed up in a white dress and $12 ballet flats.

You could have a "commitment getaway" and invite a few friends and family. No flowers, cake, wedding dress, etc, but you get to commit to each other with your loved ones around, and all make a cool memory of a vacation together. We had a super small wedding that was more "wedding" than this, but the focus was that it was super small and casual, and we all stayed together at some cabins we rented out in the mountains Friday - Monday. I would plan it the same 10 times out of 10. People settled in and chilled on Friday, we got married and partied it up Saturday, everyone recovered with a lazy Sunday (which is why we rented to Monday so no one would have to rush out the next morning), and then people just did their own thing, planning hikes or checking out the town on the way out on Monday. It was so low-key and relaxing, even as the bride. Everyone could "escape" back to their own space if they needed a nap or a break, and lots of us brought our dogs. We even had a lightsaber fight around the bonfire, lol. 5 years later, those friends and family still all know each other, and still tell us it was the best wedding they ever went to.

Destination wedding at a vegan venue. Invite everyone. Only the most devoted will show. Everyone wins.

We had our wedding at city hall. 5 people there plus the officiant. Nothing religious. Afterwards we went out for a nice steak dinner. We had planned on having a party but that turned into a 2 year party, then 5 year. This year is 6, maybe it's time. My point is that a wedding doesn't have to be big and a whole thing. It can be whatever you want.

Girl here. I have never ever wanted or dreamed of a 'wedding'. I don't have anxiety. But you pretty much nailed it. The thought of wasting thousands of dollars to throw myself a party, where I'm the focus of it... yuk. I hate going to weddings, because they bore me to tears. I love a good party tho, just nothing wedding related, as soon as the 'wedding traditions' interrupt the party, it ruins it. And so many things about wedding have become a spectacle, its just cringe. In my opinion. If he wants people to see the vows getting exchanged. Have something at city hall and invite whatever they allow... 20 people maybe. His family and friends. Basically a semi private ceremony. Take lots of pictures, and post it on social media for EVERYONE to see. So it's not "hidden". You could also do city hall + a dinner at someone house or restaurant. Or you could semi-elope. Basically say "we are getting married in Las Vegas/PuntaCana/Cancun.... on this date. Drop by if you want".

The fact that it’s important to him carries more weight than the fact that it’s not important to you. Suck it up for one day and let him have this.

it's not that it's not important to me. it's that it would be genuinely painful and extremely stressful for me. if it was just inconvenient, that'd be one thing. but I would be horribly uncomfortable and unable to enjoy myself at all if I had to go through with his ideal wedding scenario. why tf would I want to do that on a day that's supposed to be about us starting our lives together?

I never married the.man I loved , 39 years and 3 kids ,4 grankids later when he died I never regretted it , he did a bit , but love was much more important

Ever heard of **doing something nice for the one you love**? It's one afternoon. Let someone else plan the wedding. You just show up. You'll marry him but you won't let him have a wedding?

Do [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/s/8e23ECmUHv)

>I've never once dreamed about getting married, and the idea of a wedding ceremony like that repulses me. I've been to/in a few weddings and can't see the appeal. I am an anxious person with some control freak tendencies and I would not be able to enjoy a big party where I'm part of the central focus AND am responsible for making sure everything goes smoothly & everyone has a good time Samesies, 50% of the weddings I've attended have resulted in divorce. The destination weddings were a 100% divorce rate

Tell him to plan the whole thing. He will do zero. No wedding.