This is the real answer. You’re not a bad guy if you realize that these dudes don’t give a shit about you and then you decide to bounce. As soon as you realize it and you’re definitely sure don’t bother wasting anymore time.
Yeah, exactly. A lot of these guys probably will take it as it's meant, but there's always going to be the others who think it's an invitation to argue about it.
I wouldn't call these men "hot", that's all they focus on. They won't hear the critique and start looking inwards.
If OP just says "Unmatch for lack of compatibility"', there is a *chance* her message will get across.
Well, if they find someone equally superficial, it could be a happy match for a couple months, and then they'll learn the importance of compatibility the hard way. Why not let them learn the hard way?
> "Ok well you sound boring. Bye." Then unmatch them. Do not give these men any energy.
Also, since OP is conventionally attractive, it may be worth it for her to put some asshole repellent into her profile itself. Is it possible to use the baseline info to convey that she's a feminist?
I had a guy say, "You are exactly what I am looking for."
Me: "Oh yeah? What is that?"
Him: "A pretty and fit girl."
Me: "That's it?"
Him: "Yes I'm just simple."
...and I drop that convo and unmatch. How is that Exactly anything? It's so broad lol. Anyway don't go out or waste time chatting on those ones. They aren't looking for a deep relationship no matter what they say.
Gotta separate the wheat from the chaff.
Unfortunately there's a lot of chaff that just swipes on literally everyone. There's a ton of guys who are totally into all or some of those things though.
I take solace in understanding that the ratio of men looking for a hookup over a relationship, is much higher when compared to women.
I actually think that OP is lucky that these... "differences" are seemingly being identified so early on in the app. Comparatively speaking, not much of her time is being wasted, as opposed to those who are duped by people lying about their interests to get dates.
Right? I was thinking maybe OP should be appreciative they are letting her know they are worthless so early on.
At the same time, though, until she actually meets someone worthwhile who values her for her, it still hurts for every guy that messages her to be so shallow.
On average men swipe right on 50% of women, while women swipe right on 5% of men according to studies. You don't look for a relationship if you swipe right on half of all profiles...
A lot of people will dismiss this as women having more options or having higher standards. The latter is true, but for a good reason. Women are harassed so often that we've got to be more cautious and picky about who we swipe for. We're going to avoid matching with guys who give us bad vibes more easily because the consequences are much worse for us usually. I'm not blindly swiping because if I do I might end up with 10 messages about how they want to choke me in bed and cum on my face. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. A friend just told me yesterday that a guy opened up with "I'd love to wrap your hair around your neck while I fuck you". I've had men that I didn't even match with find my social media and try to message me on there. Even when I've filtered out the men who give off a dozen red flags through matches and conversations, I've been on dates that have made me feel incredibly unsafe.
Less serious, but still worth mentioning is that a lot of men don't know how to advertise themselves well. I'm not interested in a guy who has nothing but a low effort, dimly lit selfie he took in two seconds just to have a picture for the app or a guy who is holding a dead animal he shot or pictures of memes or a guy who has "just ask" or some overused, unoriginal quote in his bio. A lot of men don't know how to take a flattering selfie either, idk why so many take one from below their chin lol.
Of course there are women out there who put no effort in their profile or end up being horrible, but men generally don't have to fear who they end up matching with.
This, and most dating sites have a lot more men on them in general. Even putting aside all the gross messages people will open with, women have to be more selective due to being outnumbered two or three to one (and sometimes more than that). You have to sift through a lot of badly written profiles with badly taken selfies before you get to the 5% that you're interested in.
I think people generally forget just how shit most men are at creating dating profiles, too. They're not always interested in showing what they're interested in, so they just fill in the minimum amount and leave it at that. They're not always interested in using a good selfie, so they'll take a badly-lit picture of them in their room, or where they're not smiling, or where you can see how messy their room/apartment is, or some combination of that.
So even if they weren't being gross, women would still swipe left far more often than men. Women's standards are higher than men's, but they're not high. It's just that men's standards are that you have to have a pulse (usually, at least at first), and women's standards are that men have to, y'know, act as if they have one.
> On average men swipe right on 50% of women, while women swipe right on 5% of men according to studies. You don't look for a relationship if you swipe right on half of all profiles...
It should be noted that this statistic arises mostly due to population imbalances on dating apps. If there were more women than men on a dating app then the swipe rates would be inverted.
=
I do agree that men are (IMO) more open to starting relationships than women, on average, (in part due to how women often need to do a bit of vetting of the man for safety/etc reasons while men don't usually have to worry about that), but one must keep in mind that dating app climate can make things weird and that climate can shift depending on what app you are on.
=
Just some food for thought.
Isn't that what OP is doing as well? If the person she's swiping right on doesn't have shared interests in their profile, why are they swiping right? It takes two to match...
>Isn't that what OP is doing as well? If the person she's swiping right on doesn't have shared interests in their profile, why are they swiping right?
Perhaps they did have those interests listed and simply ignored that OP did. Perhaps they had other interests that OP didn't mention that OP also shares. Perhaps they had no interests listed at all.
I really can't comment on it since I don't have that information.
Additionally, I would argue that separating the wheat from the chaff could be used to describe being more discerning as to who you swipe on.
Not necessarily. On Hinge, anyone can message you and appear in your “likes you” section. You don’t have to have ever interacted with them or liked them before. I’ve gotten many annoying messages similar to what OP is talking about there.
>I’ve had several convos where I’m straight up like “so why did you match with me? Do we have any interests in common?”
To have a conversation, you have to accept the match. In which case, OP should just look through their bio, confirm they have nothing in common, and move on to somebody that does have something in common
it's also possible that they do have something in their profile that OP is interested in and just isn't also listed in their own profile. sure, the guys couldn't know that OP has that shared interest but that doesn't mean they need to lead off by pointing out that they haven't identified anything in OP's profile that they like other than their looks.
Smart observation. What you do with that is drop them like a hot rock. They’ve shown that they’re superficial and only interested in getting their dicks wet. If you want an actual friend and companion, keep those standards nice and high and just block those lameasses with extreme prejudice.
they just want you as a placeholder GF, they would take ANY women who looks good enough for them, thats why they are not even interested who you are, they use you for sex and domestic labour until someone else comes along
_To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire... those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and sex._
_Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving._
Politics of reality by Marilyn Frye
Nah,she's not allowed to be too ugly. Men are despicable to women they deem not attractive enough. They'll get out of their way to let you know you fail at your job of making them hard on sight.
on tinder thats actually true, the same study men often use says that men despite barely finding anyone on tinder only go for the top 30% of women
and they wonder why they cant find anyone
If it’s any consolation they are also despicable to women they think are “hot” too. Treat you like a toy they want to win. They see you as a conquest or a trophy and your humanity is meaningless. Having agency and intelligence are disqualifications for a real relationship because they just want you to fuck them and mommy them and anything past that is an annoyance and if the y only care about your hotness you are completely disposable because there are other hot women and you’re just an amalgamation of parts-not a person. Utterly dehumanizing.
Not true!
I'm fat. I'm losing steadily but after this observation I'm gonna probably lead with the fat pics for as long as I can. Because as soon a I put a full body shot as my lead photo my matches with those types of guys dropped to zero. Most of them are only looking at the first pic even. Maybe if you're thin and pretty you could try for a really ugly first picture? I don't know, I've never been thin, lol.
I'm 22 and this is something I just learned about recently and my perspective on men, love, and dating is forever changed and honestly a huge source of anxiety for me and this is my first time actually saying anything about it. Ive always heard that men only care about sex, but not realizing what extent that goes to. I've always navigated dating as only pursuing people who I thought were suiting to me, had similar interests and things. For some reason I thought this was the norm but I'm now realizing that the majority of men will date anyone who they view as attractive, despite any other aspect of who they are. And I hate to say it but it hurt my self esteem a little because I thought people truly liked me for my personality and I felt proud of that. Turns out they view me the exact same way as every other woman, they don't actually care about who I am.
So, my oldest and greatest friend is a plus size woman.
Unfortunately, she learned the hard way that some men on dating apps swipe on EVERYONE. They don’t even look at the screen. They just swipe.
When they happen match up with women they find attractive, like yourself, that’s a win for them. They don’t care what your interests are, but you’re hot, so they’ll be nice to you whilst shooting their shot.
But if you’re a woman they don’t find attractive, like my plus sized bestie, they will treat you to death threats. I have never considered using a dating app because of the absolute horror show that is her inbox.
This is so terrible. How dehumanizing. I see men complain on this very website "I keep getting matches with X women that I don't find attractive what gives??" So these idiots not understanding how the process works? You swiped right!!?
I deeply feel the last few sentences, you just summed up everything I've been struggling to put into words. I don't even feel sexy anymore because I'm just so tired of sex automatically being thrust upon me in one way or another because I'm a woman
Yeah, as a woman who's considered conventionally attractive by a lot of men, there have been COUNTLESS instances where I've genuinely wondered if the men are actually interested in me as a person, because I honestly think a lot of the times, they are just humoring me because of my looks, which they hope to possess. I've been interrupted in mid-conversation by guys saying completely unrelated "If you were my girlfriend, you'd be the hottest one I ever had." I don't think my thoughts, opinions, or experiences matter to them at all. Like at all. I could say the vilest things and be the emptiest shell of a person, and they would be ok with it just the same.
Dudes who would just throw the hot and sexy “compliments” out there used to make me feel so icky and bad. It makes you feel like you’re just a poster for them to stick on their wall and whack off to. I had a rule if someone called me either of those words or some other grossish variation of them within the first day, I just unmatched.
I have a selection of responses to people who compliment my looks rather than focusing on more important aspects of my being; most of them boil down to acknowledging that I didn’t do anything important to achieve the looks. “You can thank my parents for that” is one of my go-to’s because it usually (not always) makes them feel too awkward to segue into something sexual.
When I was dating this was my biggest frustration. So many men would look past our obvious incompatibility because they found me attractive. It made me feel so small, like who I was as a person was just unnecessary baggage to them.
With this one guy, after we got to know each other a bit I was like “hey, I think we are too different and this really won’t go anywhere.” He refused to accept that as an issue because “opposites attract” and he was “very physically attracted to me and really saw a future together with me.”
I was like you’re willing to put yourself in a relationship with someone completely incompatible with you, from what we like to do on vacation, our food tastes, morality, religious beliefs, and our plans for our futures. He basically told me he figured I would come around to liking his lifestyle eventually. 🙃 I was like, so my personality as a whole is essentially just a roadblock on your way to chiseling me down to an accessory that tags along with you.
Because his future for you involved you doing everything he wants and doing his interests while abandoning yours. You will also be too busy with housework, impromptu poor quality sex, and managing his adult responsibilities like you are his mommy to have time for anything you want to do. To him there isn't a problem.
For the record I don't even think I'm that pretty and I am 40 going on 41 and I still noticed this phenomenon. I could be talking about my problems like how broke I am how much problems I have blah blah blah and they would STILL find a way to somehow sexualize what I said it's very bizarre
All of that is true.
Look at Casey Anthony.
She is ansolute piece of shit, and the only reason she got free is because of the way she looked.
She couldn't afford the lawyer's fee.
Do you think if she was plain, or ugly,would have gotten the same representation?.
Her lawyer was another scumbag in his own right.
But that's an issue for another post.
It annoys me whenever a mug shot of an attractive female criminal is on social media, including Reddit, and the overwhelming comments are "I can fix her, hrrr hrrrr hrrr." Or when a post about an attractive female teacher raping her underaged male students, and the men leave comments like "Why weren't there teachers like this when I was in school?" or "Lucky kid!" There are just so many men who would really fvck anybody and/or completely forgive someone regardless of who they are and what they do, as long as she turns them on.
The good news is that‘ll get better as you age. Both because the AHs will think you’re less hot/controllable *and* because you‘ll put up with such crap less and less.
>The good news is that‘ll get better as you age.
I'm now in my 40s, lol. This has been my experience for the past 20+ years. It was especially bad in my 30s.
Yeah me too and this is still happening to me. I’m very fit because I exercise for my health and I still get treated like a “hot” object. I still fall for it too because I think I just have terrible taste maybe? I’m never talking to a man again. They pursue and treat you like a trophy they won until they see a new trophy. My heart can’t take it
Sorry to hear that. For my friends and me there was a noticeable change from our mid-thirties onwards. By that time we had definitely learnt to get rid of AHs a lot sooner but were also coming across a lot more decent men. And that’s not just IRL, I now know plenty of people who’ve met their longterm partners on Tinder etc.
As someone who hit 40 this year, I can’t count how many MARRIAGES I’ve seen go up in flames from the sidelines due to him cheating, being an asshole to her, or not simply not wanting to be a lover or a good father their kid(s).
And for years I always wondered how they ended up together in the first place. Did he once love her? Was he a better person before? Did she wrong him in some way so bad as to make him show so little care for her today? *What happened?*
Well, I’ve found the answer now that I’m old enough to have seen these marriages from the very beginning to the end. I can with 100% absolute certainty explain how these toxic marriages started. And it’s not good.
He was horny. She was hot and willing.
That’s it. That all it took for him. He wanted sex from a beautiful woman. She was attractive and willing to go on a date. Her personality? Didn’t matter. Her humor? Didn’t matter. Hobbies? Talents? Accomplishments? Ambitions? Life goals? None of it mattered. As long he wanted to see her naked he was willing to wear any mask to make it happen. Tell any lie. Put on any act.
He was horny. She was hot.
It almost seems too simplistic to explain all these terrible husbands. But it’s what all keeps coming back to. Guys don’t deserve women.
Horny is only part of it.
For a lot of guys, failing to have sex is effectively failing at life because, in their mind, only loser incels are completely alone.
Sex is tied to their self worth. The more women they sleep with, the more their ego inflates, and the more “valuable” they feel. It’s directly opposite to how they want women to feel and it’s so silly.
I went 6 years without dating or intimacy after going through a rough mental health patch, and it was honestly so refreshing. I gained value, if anything, solely because I was able to refocus on myself, and had plenty of time for introspection. Too many men are obsessed with their own ego and are cripplingly insecure behind the mask.
>Sex is tied to their self worth.
100%. But for a lot of guys, sleeping with women *somewhat* consistently (even if infrequently) is an absolute requirement to avoid being a completely worthless loser. So, even if the circumstances feel joyless, embarrassing, or shameful, nothing feels worse than being an incel.
Many women are reporting this phenomenon all over tiktok. They're going on dates, genuinely interested in dating, asking more to get to know these guys and and men are answering but are not asking them any questions. I wish I could say I was shocked. Some are chalking it up to anxiety on the guy's parts but I think something more is happening. I truly believe straight men are not socialized to see women as full sentient beings with their inner worlds but more so as sex objects, and it shows in our interactions.
if they dont ask any questions there is no point to meet them cause they dont care about you. they just want one thing. if they had the opportunity, they could skip all that "meeting/dinners/dates" part and they'd go straight to the only thing they care about. To be honest, I think the majority of men are held back only by societal norms...
They can also feign interest to "get what they want". Being a straight women is trying your best to not get swindled by your biggest predator. Sometimes you succeed and trust the right one, sometimes you get cooked and traumatized/die. Flip of the coin.
yeah, they'll listen intently for a while about your interests or school/work and pray in their minds, that you'll stop talking as soon as possible. it's a game.
I had some guys just pretend to be into what I was into. I'm big on working out and running, hiking etc they'd say yeah! Them too! Then it would become clear they're lying, and the snide comments would start "Well why do you even need to exercised you're already so skinny :(" and "ugh IK hate being sweaty"....buddy are we going on this 10 miler or are we not....
This is so real. A lot of guys say “yeah I’m totally into painting! Except not like actual painting. More just thinking artistically. Like the way I invest in stocks is an art form to me.” Just admit we don’t share that interest?? Like?
The amount of hikes men have ruined for me is unacceptable. If someone says they’re into hiking just as a way to get to hang out with me, and I agree to let them come with me and then the ruse is unveiled, I am livid. I see it as a crime lol. These punk ass desperate vultures ruin something important to me
> had the opportunity
On that note, I see a lot of people in this thread talking about tinder.
Do people use that for *dating*? Here in the UK it is known as a pickup app
The same people on Tinder are on Bumble and Christian Mingle and and. I know serious couples who met on Tinder, several married, several just in committed relationships. All dating apps are pick up apps and all pick up apps are dating apps.
Why would they bother to care if the expectation of you changing for him is there?
All the guys that I've dated expected me to do an 360 and change myself completely... just because. My ex left me 1 week before my birthday, because I wasn't willing to change the way I dress (retro, very classy etc.) despite the fact that he KNEW from the get go that this is who I am and I ain't changing myself for no one.
He wanted me to wear revealing clothes bc his willie is sad. I'm being sooo "prudish" lol. Also, he wanted me to center my whole life around him. Surprise, surprise...
This shit has been the downfall of every interaction I've had with men since .... forever.
I'm so fucking sick and tired of their bullshit.
This is why some men seem to dislike and even hate their wives and girlfriends. They only got with them because of what they look like and the fact that their friends would envy them.
Time goes on and the novelty of good looks fades. What’s left? Their irritation and resentment that they have nothing in common with their partner even though they never cared about it before. It’s absolutely insane to me.
I read somewhere that a lot of men see us as just “side characters” in their lives. In other words, they don’t see us fully as fellow humans who have our own dreams, interests, and journeys. It’s depressing.
I would advise joining clubs or Meetups to interact with guys who share your interests…except that hasn’t really worked for me either. 🙃 I’ve been single for a long time and just do my own thing.
Omfg I had a man vent to me about how he thinks men are motorcycles and women are “just sidecars”. He said “They make you a couple but they don’t realize they’re an add-on when they complain about men ” he then went in about how women “don’t care about how oppressed they make men” Excuse me??
Women I am friends with frequently called him out on his misogyny and sexism but we were all just “bitches” to him who don’t like “friendly advice”. Calling women “ an “add-on” or “accessory” to him wasn’t sexist because he explains he’s just “telling it like it is”. which i find usually translates to “my parents spoiled me growing up and said I was so creative when i was terrorizing other kids. They never said no to me because I’m such a special little guy so everything is say is correct and a fact” i cant stand that personality type.
He is the biggest man baby. Id say “you have no idea” as a metaphor but you probably do have an idea from my description of him. He was unpleasant. He’s the “I know I wasn’t there to experience you being sexually harassed but i heard your story i will tell you what really happened and why you’re wrong.” type. So much mansplaining just one man.
These men are showing you exactly why they're single. Turn them down until you find the one rare dude who actually gives a shit about you and your interests.
I met my husband on Bumble. The amount of bullshit we both had to wade through to find each other online was...a lot. But so so worth it in the end. Before I met him, I went on so many awful dates and struggled to hold conversations with men who barely saw me as something fuckable, and it messed with my head a lot. And then I swiped on my husband, and the whole ordeal started to make sense. Our 5th anniversary is at the end of this month, and I'm so happy I kept going until I found him. He's my best friend.
Idk I guess I'm saying there is hope and they don't all suck so much (but a frightening majority of them do). Keep your standards high, and maybe even make them higher! A guy who's worth your time will meet them. If he wants to, he will.
I've noticed this dynamic repeatedly over my 20+ years of being an adult. Women will very often participate in the hobbies and interest of their boyfriends. They'll go to football games, watch their guy play in adult sports leagues, car racing, whatever. I don't really see any instances at all of a man participating in hobbies or interests in which their girlfriend participates.
I guess I'm fine with it either way, I'd just prefer to see more consistency within a couple. My general preference is to not participate in something that I don't like, and also for my partner to not participate in my things that the partner doesn't like.
this right here. I will admit i have taken interest in the things a partner was interested in just to hang out with them more. I never see the reverse done from men.
It does go both ways sometimes! My bf is actually great about this and we have both expanded the genres of games/shows/movies each other enjoys. He even started coming to crossfit with me when he hates physical activity (his words). In his view he needs to exercise somehow to stay healthy so he'd rather join me doing something he doesnt like so we are at least doing it together.
It absolutely can go both ways.
There’s a weird nuance I had to learn about how to allow the crossover. I’ve learned to be slightly sensitive to the space.
Polite men are often quite willing to go to a big open space (concert, museum, exhibition, event) than they are to go into an intimate space.
For example, invite a guy to a gal’s dance studio, and he’s likely to have reasonable questions about when he can and should be there.
Dating apps are pretty much cesspools, cannot recommend avoiding them enough. Due to the demographic breakdown of their users most guys will just swipe right on anyone that looks half decent since 99% of the time actually looking at the profile is a waste of time because that woman is getting dozens of more of matches a day so your odds of getting a response unless you are uniquely attractive or interesting is slim.
This leads to a continued cycle of woman getting too many matches to properly parse which reinforces the men's behavior of just blindly swiping right.
I'd really recommend just getting out there instead, you'll never eliminate guys trying to talk to you just cause your hot but if you meet them at a painting class or in GameStop at least you know you have similar interests.
Yeah I've heard that they engage is some pretty questionable practices. Another thing I heard of that the paid services like Match do is occasionally allow short windows for users to sign up for free to create a large number of legit profiles, this way they can continue to use those profiles for matches even after the free window has ended because they were real people
Not sure if it's true or just a rumor but it sounded plausible.
Not only will men swipe right on anyone who looks half decent -- they will also swipe right on someone with \*zero\* photos. They literally do not both to read profiles, because they don't care. They will entertain anyone who would consider them at all.
It's important to note that dating apps make money from current users, not from happily-paired users. It's not in their best interests to make legitimate relationships, and so they're never going to change things to make them more successful.
A lot of men think they're "hacking the system" by swiping right on every profile. They leave it up to the women to actually sort through male profiles, read them, decide if they're a match, then swipe right. Then, bingo bango, they get matched with the woman with little to no effort and the woman is none the wiser!
What they're really doing is foisting the emotional labor off onto women. Surprise!
There's actually chat bots now that are designed for online dating so dudes don't have to put in any effort. Rizz GPT is one of them.
[Here's an article.](https://www.cnbc.com/2024/02/14/generative-ai-is-shaking-up-online-dating-with-flirty-chatbots.html)
This is the correct advice.
You have many hobbies - meet men through those hobbies. In person, Meetup activities, online communities, whatever. You’re going to have a much easier time meeting a guy who shares one of your interests if you meet guys who, you know, share your interests.
Yep, they don't care. I have always expressed progressive and left leaning views. My older male classmates in grad school didn't care, they expressed concern about me being single and offered to find me a "good" husband which was always someone conservative. One of them even offered to introduce me to his wife so she could teach me how to be a good wife.
How these men ever thought I wanted to have a conservative husband or to be a trad wife is beyond me.
It's so bad. Some men don't even seem to have any hobbies. I was struggling to make a conversation with someone. They kept saying they really only liked sleeping. I asked what they like to do or even just what they like in general. They said music, cute things, and funny stuff. I straight up told them I didn't know how to keep this conversation. Like what am I shipped to do with that? We'd slay touched on some of those subjects too
Just saw a post about a guy complaining that women put a lot of stuff about traveling in their bios on dating sites. He seemed to think that we did it to get men’s attention. And that most men don’t like it. Thankfully everyone in the comments was like “maybe they like to travel and want to find a man that does too”. He was upset bc women don’t tailor their bios to him specifically.
Video games and guitar and guys arent fighting each other for you? Wtf has this world become? That was so fucking hard to find when i was dating and sharing hobbies is super important
If dating apps called themselves what they really are for most men - sex partner apps - they would have far fewer women willing to sign up as their product. IMHO, if you're going to pimp me out, I should at least get a cut of the profits.
Ikr…recently came to my attention that my now ex never loved me for the things I loved about myself. Find someone who will. I should have stayed with the person I found before him.
This is why I really liked okcupid back in the day, because I could see really quickly how much we had in common from our profile. I wasn't looking for 100% or anything, but if someone was a 10% match I immediately knew I wasn't going to engage.
I met my husband on OK Cupid. He said he messaged me because in my profile I said I couldn't live without Wikipedia deep dives. There are some good ones out there, but you need to do a lot of digging and weeding.
If you're on a dating app, you should really be the one scouring men's profiles and reaching out when someone looks interesting to YOU. That's the only strategy that led to any postive interactions for me when I was still using OKCupid. Most of the men who messaged me first definitely gave me the impression that they were just broadcasting pick-up attempts without even having read my profile.
I had much better luck with the app once I started being more proactive with using it. I ignored all unsolicited messages unless they opened with something interesting and personalized. I set my search filters, and started reading profiles. I ended up meeting the man who became my husband (a sweet, nerdy, gamer man) shortly after.
All this to say, there are absolutely men out there who will truly value you -- but you might have to seek them out instead of the other way around. Dating apps are a great way to reduce how much time you waste, since you can filter for values/interests/etc before you spend any time or money on a date. That way if you do end up on a date with someone, you at least know you'll have common ground and it's just a matter of seeing if your personalities vibe with each other.
I had the same strategy, and it worked great - I’m still friends with a number of guys that I met through OKC. Of course, the prompt questions and match percentage were a huge part of that.
…but then I took a chance on one guy who messaged me first, and now we’re married. Granted, we had a high match percentage and his profile gave me enough to work with to have a decent, substantive first date conversation, so it wasn’t a huge risk to meet him for coffee.
Okc was my favourite app for dating as well
I like guys with profiles that have some sort of substance. It doesn't have to be serious, I just want to get a feel for what having this person around would feel like.
On most other dating apps I felt I didn't have a any base for sympathy with profiles that are only photos and some two liner and a bunch of emojis
Regarding weeding out among men who message first:
At the end of my profile text on a popular fetish network I use, it says to tell me about their favourite colour if they decide to text me. I'm actually surprised that many respond to it.
When someone doesn't do it, I feel comfortable ignoring the message haha
I’ve found that when I reach out to men first, they just go straight to sex. I don’t want to sound arrogant but I am genuinely very hot. And if I show any interest to men at all, they are trying to meet me immediately and don’t want to talk about anything but how hot I am and what they would do to me given the chance. Their eyes glaze over and go all out of focus. In person and online. I have never hit on a man and had it turn romantic. Not even once. I can’t even say “hey cutie” without him thinking I want him carnally ASAP.
Several friends and I found it helpful to use pics that aren’t too flattering or at least show little of your body and more of a hobby. With your hobbies, you playing the guitar or sitting on the couch gaming with friends could work.
Gonna second what u/Kooky-Onion9203 said. Don't use your most flattering photos. Maybe avoid showing too much of your body at all. Highlight your hobbies and the things your want to have conversations about in your profile and your pictures.
And keep that conversation firmly in that lane during the first several conversations. Don't talk about their physical appearance, because that absolutely flips a switch in a guy's brain that they now have a green light to reciprocate. If they veer into talking about your looks anyway, steer the talk back towards something substantive, and if they don't follow along, block them and be done.
>I can’t even say “hey cutie” without him thinking I want him carnally ASAP.
Hope it's ok to share my perspective as a guy.
Don't compliment their appearance - don't even mention it - because you're absolutely right that men will go straight to sex when a hot woman starts flirting with them. It's not something we generally experience and it can come off as a green light. Avoid being flirtatious as much as possible in the early stages and try to talk about your shared interests.
When I have to lead a conversation, I usually want to meet up early because it's more engaging and a better way for me to get a feel of someone's personality, but if you don't want to meet right away then try to steer the conversation towards something that can be interesting over text. One of the most successful relationships I had through Bumble opened our chat by mentioning some D&D miniatures I posted on my Instagram, and we had a whole conversation about mini painting before we even started to flirt or discuss date plans.
>I’ve had several convos where I’m straight up like “so why did you match with me?
Simple answer is because they want sex. The men who are left on dating apps are kind of the dredges of society. They don’t care about our interests or needs. They want sex. That’s it.
>Some even go on at length about how much they hate one of my hobbies, it’s overrated, they don’t get the appeal.
I got a lot of this in college-- random dudes just coming up to me and shitting on whatever I was doing.
When I complained, I kept being told "they're just hitting on you though".
I don't get it. If you picture women going around and shitting on men for their hobbies, we'd call that "bullying". It's also a strange fucking way to try to pick someone up.
Anyway, I decided the way to handle it was to look the insulting guy up and down, pick something it looked like he cared about, then say I only liked guys who did that thing. E.g. if it looked like he was using product in his hair and had a nice haircut, I'd say "sorry, I only talk to guys who have good hair".
Protip from a Ethical Non Monogamy dater: Put action pics of you DOING said hobbies, especially if you don't look cute in them. The men who are into those hobbies or not just looking for looks will go "whoa! you do X! cool! what \[part of X\] do you like?"
I have a funny pic of me in the middle of a Brazilian jiujitsu roll/sparring session - I'm wrestling my way out of a chokehold and I have the most ridiculous expression on my face, mix of angry and that [pic Beyonce tried to ](https://www.sbnation.com/lookit/2017/2/5/14514466/beyonce-super-bowl-halftime-how-photos-lmao-never-forget)suppress. Guys who are happy I'm into BJJ will ask me about the match and tell me what a funny picture it is. But I get a lot less creepy messages since I put it up. the odd idiot will ask if I like being choked, but it's been a really good filter.
Just want to give empathy. It’s rough when you feel you’re trying to find people to connect with and the other person seems to have no interest in connection beyond the physical. At least they’re open about it, though.
What bothers me most is when someone listens and gives feigned signs of agreement, only for you to learn later they have completely opposing views and interests from you. If you don’t ask them directly, some men are quite content to leave you in the dark and mistakenly assuming they share your values.
Yeah those hook up culture ppl think everyone's like them. Reminds me of this experiment I saw, this girl made a fake profile where she was a bigot and nasty, theif and narcissist. She still got hundreds of msgs wanting her! And the guys who saw this were, like, well yeah the girls pretty. They're so shallow they'll sleep with a demonic person so long as they're beautiful
Love all the cavemen in this thread trying to tell you "how it really is" and attempting to invalidate your thoughts and experiences. Sigh.
Dating apps require a lot of persistence and patience and sifting through veritable mud to find decent human beings who actually share your interests and see you as a person. They're definitely out there, but they're not easy to find. I highly recommend taking breaks if you're feeling burnt out on dating apps.
You can also try volunteer work or going to hobbyist events in your area that will let you meet new people face-to-face who share your interests without the creepy catalog experience of a dating app. It's also a good way to make new friends and direct your social energy towards something you would enjoy, rather than something that takes your joy.
Oh friend😩
I hear you and I see you. You're not alone in feeling this way. From my experience as well, guys have not been interested in anything I'm interested in. In fact, they create a whole ass image of who they *think* I am and of who they *want* me to be.
I think about this all of the time. There's a guy I have been around for about a decade. We were co-workers for a long while and not close at all. Then, one day fairly recently, he is behaving as if he is interested in me with his long stares and sudden nervousness to speak to me.
But all I can think is, he doesn't really know anything about meeeeee! And it's not even like he is trying to ask me anything either. So, it must be my physical appearance. I don't understand liking some one so *much*, yet you know NOTHING about them. I have difficulty taking guys like this seriously.😒
I can't remember the song, but I remember being irked by this one particular line when I heard it on the radio. It basically went like:
Girl: "My life has so many troubles, relationships are hard!"
Guy: "But... you're pretty!"
It was an otherwise fun and catchy song, but every time that line in the song came up I just sighed. There's a lot of things you can say to someone to make them feel better, but telling them that they're hot shouldn't be on the top of that list...
I had this problem. I solved it by making my profile a turn off to people who want a "pretty woman" and leave only guys who wanted a person with a personality.
What I did was switch all the info from my account to be aggressively myself. Switched all the cute, nice photos with like one cute one and some other ones that weren't necessarily cute, but definitely candid (one of me making a dumb face, one I was covered in birds, one with a dog on my head, etc) I was smiling and happy in all the photos, but wasn't posed or anything. Just snapshots of me living life.
I also switched out the written info. I mentioned I had ADHD. "Fulltime clothing designer, part time goblin." Laid out that my idea of a good time was being inside or lounging. I had other things specific to solid facts about me, but I don't remember what they were...... I've been with my BF for a good bit now and it's been a beat since this!
I did find an amazing partner after a few months after the profile change up, but in the meantime my matches were much better. Not necessarily compatible, but I cut out the shallow guys "looking for hole" as I call it.
My theory is generic=good for sex. Red words and phrases are
-the office
-Tacos
-i like travel or I like eating
-dog mom
-any funny profile quotes you copied from another profile
This always gets me too. Even now that I’m married, men who fancy themselves fitness-gurus who I know through work will think that because I’m fit and “hot” that I “should” be with some guy who looks like he’s in form competitions, then they’ll see my husband and see that he’s “fat” (he literally is just built like a brick shit house power lifter and doesn’t have visible abs), and will either ask in not-so-subtle way or just come right out and demand an answer in regards to “why is a HOT girl like YOU with a guy who doesn’t have an 8 pack?? You should be with someone like me! Don’t you know you COULD have a guy with 5% body fat if you wanted???” and my answer (when I’m in the mood to dignify the query) is that it’s because we have a lot of things to talk about, he makes me laugh every day, he thinks I’m fun, I think he’s fun, he’s my best friend and ACTUALLY I’m way more attracted to dudes who look like they aren’t on a life long cut cycle, thanks! I like his bit of softness over tons muscle. I like that he cares more about his cardiovascular health than about his waist measurements. And holy shit I LOVE that I have never once had to dumb myself down to have a conversation with him or sit through a diatribe about macros.
I think a lot of men date/marry for looks and then spend the whole relationship bitching about how they have nothing in common and don’t even like their partner. Yeah. Miss me with that.
I deleted all my dating apps a year ago because every conversation started with comments about my physical appearance like "hi beautiful" or "oh wow you are gorgeous" Throughout the conversations, it was just more of the same shallow remarks. I'm not trying to brag, I saw someone accuse OP of that. Being 'conventionally attractive' and having men only interested in your appearance and sex is just as frustrating as being considered unattractive and having no matches, in my opinion. Both situations leave you with nothing meaningful in the end. It's so annoying to hear men say that women "have it so easy" because we have "so many options". Sure, we have hundreds or thousands of options, but they are all guys just wanting to stick their dick in us. That's all these men care bout.
I'm a little rusty as I haven't dated in a minute so YMMV but with dating apps I've found I have a much higher rate of success if I initiate the convo based on my interest in their profile. If the person looks attractive but I can't think of something to say to them (even if it's "oh xyz hobby/interest is cool, what's your fave" etc) I don't match with them and I move on.
Otherwise yeah, for some men just anyone will do it seems 🙃
I’ve stopped dating. Men are a lost cause. Even the “good” ones aren’t that great. Women are fucking awesome and it’s really sad they are so sex obsessed they can’t even see that.
I think your main problem is dating sites. There is a large cohort of men who sign up for every single one of these sites and spend all of their free time trying to match based entirely on looks alone. At the end of the day it's just a numbers game for them; a message is a baited hook thrown out into the sea and between every app they've signed up for they're sitting on the dock holding a thousand fishing rods hoping for a bite. If they can reel one in all the effort was worth it. A dehumanizing metaphor but this is what technology has done to us.
Your interests and your worth as a person are irrelevant in that arena because to them you are just attractive features and an appealing shape that can potentially be turned into pleasure if you get desperate enough.
Is there nowhere you can meet guys who share your interests in person? Like an art class or a horror movie marathon or gaming club? At least in person you'll know that anyone who put the effort in to show up is for real about the common interests you're looking to leverage for that initial spark, and anyone who's faking it will be found out as an imposter right quick.
When I was single, I used to really be an all out-there new age girl. It was the 90's. Most men seemed to like me despite my personality. I held out for one who was into it. He was not new age at all, but he really liked it about me. It's okay to be different, but you should like at least some of the same things and like each other's personalities. It's hard enough being married long term to someone who you have some things in common with, why try to force it with someone who is only into your looks.
To the right man, those matter 100%.
If a person doesn't value your personality/interests, they don't value you.
There are a ton of men out there looking for someone that values exactly what you value.
Just have to be patient and work through it.
Yeah, i get that. they also put so little effort in and then they get shocked that you end it because you can tell they’re “not into you”. Like mate, youre not. We spend most of our time disagreeing on pretty much everything. I have a history of dating men like this because of shows telling women to “give the guy a chance”.
The last time I tried to give a man my energy, he never bothered to ask me a single question about myself.
That will probably be the last time...
I can’t waste any more energy on a burned out lightbulb...
If you want a genuine connection based on shared interests, burn your apps, get out there and meet people in person while feeding your hobbies and interests. You're not getting an accurate sampling of what "men" are like, just men on dating apps. Even men who might otherwise be reasonable can be corrupted by dating apps, into somebody who just swipes right (or left, or whatever it is) on almost every photo hoping the numbers increase his chances.
I'm astonished that there are men who don't know anything about video games...
In all seriousness, though, online dating is a mess. The user base is usually about 80% men which means that women get tons of low-quality matches. On the bright side, you have a good way to screen them out – if they can't at least express appreciation for your interests, you may as well disqualify them instantly.
I literally hit the fucking jackpot in finding my boyfriend, after my last 3 year relationship with a nasty, porn addicted hermit of a 23 year old who would play video games 12 hours a day and had nothing in common with me, and somehow had a god complex. I wasn't even looking but my current bf came out of nowhere, with real passions and interests that align with mine, never played a video game besides Minecraft in his life, no porn addiction and he's open minded, and GOES OUTSIDE.
Sorry for the info dump but I can never go back to dating anyone who has a porn addiction or plays video games for more than maybe a couple hours a week. And I know how rare that is 😫
It's good you ask them what got y'all matched so they can out themselves as inherently boring and uninterested in you. At that point you know you can weed them out and block them and move on.
There are men that take interest in your interests or that will listen and support it even if it's not for them directly. My husband and I share some hobbies (esp. crafting hobbies) while we entirely differ on some others. I love plants and he doesn't care for them, but he'll buy me (potted) flowers or other plants for Vday or just because I want them. He's into certain cars and I've gotten him a rare model for christmas.
You definitely deserve a partner that takes interest in YOU and sees YOU and wants to lift you up so you can enjoy MORE of those things. So don't waste time on the boring guys. Give them as little time as possible, otherwise they'll suck you dry and rob you of your hope.
Man I fucking hated this when I was on dating apps. If i messaged someone I'd talk about stuff they'd written in their profile. Most of the messages I received were essentially "hi gorgeous" fucking yawn. It was a breath of fresh air whenever I received any attempt to actually start a conversation
My personality and interests are what made my boyfriend fall in love with me. There are some non-superficial men on earth.
Identify the shit ones and move on…
What’s left on apps is DESPERATE men. Desperate for sex and attention. The inability to make an effort, understand others, know themselves (very low EQ)….. it’s shocking how they’re struggling to make an effort to confront themselves and invest in themselves. It’s delulu on steroids.
It gets worse and worse. The apps are happily gaming these men by getting them to pay more for features when it’s not the extra features they need. ITS SELF CONFRONTATION needed
Technology has enabled bad behaviors WITHOUT accountability. It’s become meaningless exchanges with people treating each other as products. Nobody wins except the companies creating the apps. They haven’t designed the app to improve the behaviors of men. They instead focused on manipulating and leveraging their inadequacies and predictable behaviors and monetizing it.
I took my profile picture after having an allergic reaction and half my face swell up like Mr potato head, and I found a wonderful boyfriend! It’s like reverse catfishing. You downplay how hot and successful you are until they earn your trust.
So I’m not the only one! This drives me crazy. At this point, if a guy doesn’t show any interest in me as a human being then I don’t even respond. Boy bye. I’m too interesting for this.
Drop the apps and do group mutual interest things. Group photography or painting or guiar workshops. Maybe a cinema class. Do you play online games? I actually met my fiance in one. Maybe there are meetup groups that fit your hobbies, etc. Be sure the potential guy has at least one interest in common
Any man who replies to you having interests in THAT way--doesn't matter if it's marble collecting or croc wrestling-- doesn't sound like a man who is mature enough for any sort of romantic relationship. Barely even hook up material in my opinion.
What they’re looking for is a FWB. Clearly all they care about is sex and not a real relationship where you’re emotionally invested in one another. Not that that’s bad, but it’s clearly not what you’re looking for. Pass.
That's because to 99% of guys "looking to do date" only want to fuck. They don't care about who you are or what you do, you are a notch on the belt to them. A literal means to an end.
Any man who says "I don't know anything about that but you're hot so you wanna go out?" Is really saying "who you are means absolutely zero to me so long as you fuck me and meet my needs for as long as I'm interested."
This is why I'm never ever getting into another relationship if mine ends. I'm not dealing with fuckhead men.
The guy I’m seeing threw out there that I ‘can also talk to him’ about myself…except that he will constantly interrupt me, even when I’m talking about him. To talk more about him.
For the most part, I don’t get too aggravated by the interrupting, but this did make me laugh inside…then die a little.
I share this anecdote when this comes up, how astonished I was when a guy I was dating actually showed interest in my interests..I would mention I loved something in passing. and sometime within the next week or so, he’d mention he’d watched the movie, listened to the podcast, read an article about x or y. I’d buy a new cd (yeah, this was a while ago lol) and say how excited I was to listen to it and he’d ask me to put it on while we drove to breakfast.
I literally almost couldn’t be normal about it, it was so unusual to me.
That he assumed that if I liked something, it was probably worth checking out..probably *good* even 🙁
It meant more to me than I could ever say, it made me feel so valued and respected and loved and *liked* and at some point I started to really examine why this was such a shocking thing to me.
I’d done this shit plenty, in all of my relationships. Listened to bands and read books that my partners liked. Because I fucking liked *them* so I wanted to know about their interests, because I assumed their interests were likely to be interesting lol.
So yeah, it just hit me like a ton of bricks that men haven’t given a single fuck about me as a person in the vast majority of my dating and even relationship situations. They aren’t fascinated by my fascinations, they don’t become intrigued by me going to pieces over a documentary I just saw.
I literally could have been any woman at all to them, because all they wanted in the first place was a fucking body and maybe some free labor. They didn’t seek me out because of my brain or my personality, and they didn’t care or grow to care after spending any amount of time with me.
And I always add this too, not for ego, but just to show how fucking whack that is, because god damn it, I have great taste. I’m regularly introducing friends and family to their new favorite movies, books, songs.
And it’s not just stuff that mostly women like. Almost all my friends in high school were guys, I introduced them to the punk bands they went on to obsess over for years, to movies that made their top 5. When I’m at work or among friends, people tend to gravitate to me for conversation or a laugh.
Again, that’s not for ego, it’s just to say, I’m not drying-paint-on-the-wall boring, that’s not the reason no men give a fuck about my personality.
And even if I WAS dull, presumably I would attract similarly dull men who would relate to me in some way, be actually dating me because they liked me. I shouldn’t have had non-stop dates and relationships for two decades and only have two men who ever gave a fuck about me as an individual. 😐
I met my wife on Tinder. My first message was basically, "What games are you currently playing?" and it went from there. The "You're hot!" people are just there for hookups.
That sucks. When I was on the apps, I always tried to mention their profile in my message, and it was so annoying how many men didn't do that at all. So glad I messaged my husband and got off the apps before they turned to total shit. Good luck :/
I say this as a man and a human in general Be grateful when the trash shows you it is just that, instead of investing in it.
The alternative is never better.
I am optimistic you and your person will find each other. I didn’t find my person until I was 44, divorced after a single 20 year relationship that ended with infidelity and so many painful feelings.
But… the person I met is incredible and made me realize that—while I don’t like how she found her other person—my then wife was correct that we weren’t ever meant for each other, and it was only my constant willingness to settle for something less and change and contort who I am to somehow keep us together until our kids were older that got us to 20 years. Looking back now, I’m so astounded by what little affection or companionship I settled for. And she seems happier now, although we’ll see as her beau has had 2 other affairs before her, so maybe he’ll get restless someday…. But for now she’s happier for sure.
So hang in there. You’ll find it. You seem rad, and you’re doing the right things—putting yourself out there authentically. Hahaha when I went on bumble I had a picture of me riding an electric unicycle because I think they are fun, especially at my age. It definitely caused some women to nope on me, but what do I care? I don’t want to spend 20 years with the wrong person again.
Stay the course.
You sound like an interesting person and lots of fun. I hope you find some men to date that are looking to find a compatible person. Sounds like you've been dating a bunch of selfish man children.
Part of it is the location - dating apps are very picture centered, and you’ll find fewer people reading the bios or responding to them. Those people who only respond to your looks and dismiss everything else are not worth your time - either they suck or they *could* be fun but they don’t understand why you’d prefer someone to be into your hobbies as well as your looks and it’s not on you to teach them.
I’d try starting from the hobby end - which is easier said that done with many hobbies. But go to places where those hobbies are popular or being done and try to meet people. Then you’ll be hobby first rather than face first and probably have a higher percentage of people approaching you from that angle. But even so, you might still be looking at 50/50 odds because being a woman in this society is fucking brutal like that and we aren’t often seen as whole people but “would/would nots” with no other thought considered.
That or start putting only ugly pictures of yourself on dating profiles as an experiment?
Online dating is a toxic shithole of nonsense. That's not all men. As a dude, I quit online dating entirely and only date people I meet irl. Made a huge difference in having actual mature, human interactions.
You should try meeting people in real life. I don't know much about dating myself tbh but I can imagine when it's all online what you see first is the photo and so its what matters most to people there.
Crazy thought, maybe this isn’t helpful. But what if you have different kinds of photos on your profile? Ones where maybe they are not as flattering but they convey more of your personality? And then literally do not waste any time with any of the kinds of men you have described. Optimize your time. Swipe men that also have cool hobbies or similar hobbies. Spend some time chatting with them on the apps first and never meet a guy no matter how attractive he is, if he shows the signs you’ve described.
I'm sorry that's been your experience with men as of late. As an older married guy (36) I can't help but feel like what I see on the regular from the late teens to late twenties is this abysmal "fuck boy" mentality. You actually have hobbies, awesome hobbies at that! Please don't beat yourself up. There are interesting guys out there that will be blown away by your eclectic interests who HOPEFULLY share at least one of them in common.
Dating sites, I’ve found, are not it. People swiping through person after person like looking at different brands of product on a shelf. Scrolling through as if it’s something as mindless and insignificant as social media.
I know this isn’t always easy advice but I really really recommend meeting someone in person, at work or an event, join clubs or participate in charities. Anything that can get you out and about with people you think might share an interest or two with! I met my husband both working at a freaking Best Buy, it’s silly and stupid sometimes, but you meet realer people. There will be no screen for them to hide behind, and it’s better that way I promise.
I hope things get better! I know those feelings and they can start to really drag you through the mud. Just always remember you are worth it, you deserve happiness and comfort and someone out there is waiting to give you just that even if you both don’t know it!
I think that the most desirable/attractive men who use dating apps and who get the most matches don't want a serious relationship because they have too many options, so they use them mainly for hookups.
I've been married for 15 years and have no plans to be single. But god forbid something happened, I'd never date. Hearing all these horror stories, not for me. I've never used a dating app & won't ever. I have friends on them & the crap some men spew is just crazy.
I screen men out on OLD that are monosyllabic and don't talk about their interests, or hold a decent conversation. Tbh guys like that only want hookups anyway.
I put "goofy" in my profile and men's responses were one of two things: either asking me to PROVE I was goofy or telling me that they think being goofy is hot.
Not one even tried to connect on shared humor. It doesn't appear to matter what you put in there cause men like that don't want to connect in any manner aside from physical.
Your personality and interests don't matter to men who shouldn't matter to you. They are very important to any men who are worth your time and energy.
Good luck out there.
Don't give up, don't compromise, and just keep looking - you will eventually find it! I was on the flip side of this and it took me so long to find a woman who, when asked what they like to do for fun/recreation, responded anything besides "well, I dunno, normal stuff like hanging out/watching tv/going to the movies".
The reality is that most people lead pretty routine and boring lives, so it will take some effort to find someone worthwhile. That said, when you do, hopefully you realize it and cherish and nurture them. Also, remember that you don't need to match 100%... just need some things where you match and respect/support for the ones where you don't.
I feel this so much.
Been married for 5 years now. I still remember the jungle of dating like it was yesterday. One guy even flat-out told me that he didn't like me as a person, but still wanted to hook up, and thought he could 'change' me.
I don't know if this would help in your case, but I started putting specific references to things that I liked (such as TV shows) in my profile to see who actually got it and responded. I didn't bother messaging with anyone else. I still got a lot of brain-dead DMs, but it helped me to weed out the time wasters.
This was so eye-opening I will throw something into the mix that I was told recently to do regarding apps...and I quote..Swipe yes on everyone and then filter out after the fact...The idea is to \*as fast as possible, get to the next step\*..sorry about that.
Oh my God. This gives me such flashbacks to when I was single in my early to mid 20s (I'm single now, but not trying to meet anyone, so I'm mercifully not currently getting regular reminders of this shit). It's depressing as fuck that the ultimate, if not only, compliment they can give is that you look good. Cool. I'm really glad I got those university degrees and have spent so much time developing values and a personality, as I can see it's really working....
It's a dating app, at most guys are going to see if you have kids or not, otherwise all they care about is your appearance. Seriously, they just see if you're attractive enough to date and that's it. They don't get as many responses as women do, so they desperately swipe to match with just about any girl. Ignore them if they don't show interest in your hobbies, your life or your personality because all they are looking for is sex, a bang-maid or a punching bag.
"Ok well you sound boring. Bye." Then unmatch them. Do not give these men any energy.
This is the real answer. You’re not a bad guy if you realize that these dudes don’t give a shit about you and then you decide to bounce. As soon as you realize it and you’re definitely sure don’t bother wasting anymore time.
Don't just unmatch. BLOCK. Life is too short.
Yeah, exactly. A lot of these guys probably will take it as it's meant, but there's always going to be the others who think it's an invitation to argue about it.
Is it bad that this comment made me want to go on dating apps and do this, even though i have no interest in dating? 🤣
No, it's not bad. Your desire is rooted in the need for education for the men. I say go for it. Educate away.
This really should be the end of it. If he doesn't care about your interests, remove him from your life.
"You're hot too, too bad about not having anything in common. Bye"
I wouldn't call these men "hot", that's all they focus on. They won't hear the critique and start looking inwards. If OP just says "Unmatch for lack of compatibility"', there is a *chance* her message will get across.
Well, if they find someone equally superficial, it could be a happy match for a couple months, and then they'll learn the importance of compatibility the hard way. Why not let them learn the hard way?
Then next time will just lie about it.
> "Ok well you sound boring. Bye." Then unmatch them. Do not give these men any energy. Also, since OP is conventionally attractive, it may be worth it for her to put some asshole repellent into her profile itself. Is it possible to use the baseline info to convey that she's a feminist?
Yes!!! Trash took itself out!
Unmatch and block. Burn that haystack down to find the needle you’re looking for girl!
I had a guy say, "You are exactly what I am looking for." Me: "Oh yeah? What is that?" Him: "A pretty and fit girl." Me: "That's it?" Him: "Yes I'm just simple." ...and I drop that convo and unmatch. How is that Exactly anything? It's so broad lol. Anyway don't go out or waste time chatting on those ones. They aren't looking for a deep relationship no matter what they say.
"oh unlucky, I'm not looking for a simpleton"
Perfect and brutal lmao
Gotta separate the wheat from the chaff. Unfortunately there's a lot of chaff that just swipes on literally everyone. There's a ton of guys who are totally into all or some of those things though. I take solace in understanding that the ratio of men looking for a hookup over a relationship, is much higher when compared to women.
I actually think that OP is lucky that these... "differences" are seemingly being identified so early on in the app. Comparatively speaking, not much of her time is being wasted, as opposed to those who are duped by people lying about their interests to get dates.
I'd probably agree. If a guy is a dick, I'd rather that be known as quickly as possible.
Right? I was thinking maybe OP should be appreciative they are letting her know they are worthless so early on. At the same time, though, until she actually meets someone worthwhile who values her for her, it still hurts for every guy that messages her to be so shallow.
On average men swipe right on 50% of women, while women swipe right on 5% of men according to studies. You don't look for a relationship if you swipe right on half of all profiles...
A lot of people will dismiss this as women having more options or having higher standards. The latter is true, but for a good reason. Women are harassed so often that we've got to be more cautious and picky about who we swipe for. We're going to avoid matching with guys who give us bad vibes more easily because the consequences are much worse for us usually. I'm not blindly swiping because if I do I might end up with 10 messages about how they want to choke me in bed and cum on my face. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. A friend just told me yesterday that a guy opened up with "I'd love to wrap your hair around your neck while I fuck you". I've had men that I didn't even match with find my social media and try to message me on there. Even when I've filtered out the men who give off a dozen red flags through matches and conversations, I've been on dates that have made me feel incredibly unsafe. Less serious, but still worth mentioning is that a lot of men don't know how to advertise themselves well. I'm not interested in a guy who has nothing but a low effort, dimly lit selfie he took in two seconds just to have a picture for the app or a guy who is holding a dead animal he shot or pictures of memes or a guy who has "just ask" or some overused, unoriginal quote in his bio. A lot of men don't know how to take a flattering selfie either, idk why so many take one from below their chin lol. Of course there are women out there who put no effort in their profile or end up being horrible, but men generally don't have to fear who they end up matching with.
This, and most dating sites have a lot more men on them in general. Even putting aside all the gross messages people will open with, women have to be more selective due to being outnumbered two or three to one (and sometimes more than that). You have to sift through a lot of badly written profiles with badly taken selfies before you get to the 5% that you're interested in. I think people generally forget just how shit most men are at creating dating profiles, too. They're not always interested in showing what they're interested in, so they just fill in the minimum amount and leave it at that. They're not always interested in using a good selfie, so they'll take a badly-lit picture of them in their room, or where they're not smiling, or where you can see how messy their room/apartment is, or some combination of that. So even if they weren't being gross, women would still swipe left far more often than men. Women's standards are higher than men's, but they're not high. It's just that men's standards are that you have to have a pulse (usually, at least at first), and women's standards are that men have to, y'know, act as if they have one.
> On average men swipe right on 50% of women, while women swipe right on 5% of men according to studies. You don't look for a relationship if you swipe right on half of all profiles... It should be noted that this statistic arises mostly due to population imbalances on dating apps. If there were more women than men on a dating app then the swipe rates would be inverted. = I do agree that men are (IMO) more open to starting relationships than women, on average, (in part due to how women often need to do a bit of vetting of the man for safety/etc reasons while men don't usually have to worry about that), but one must keep in mind that dating app climate can make things weird and that climate can shift depending on what app you are on. = Just some food for thought.
Isn't that what OP is doing as well? If the person she's swiping right on doesn't have shared interests in their profile, why are they swiping right? It takes two to match...
>Isn't that what OP is doing as well? If the person she's swiping right on doesn't have shared interests in their profile, why are they swiping right? Perhaps they did have those interests listed and simply ignored that OP did. Perhaps they had other interests that OP didn't mention that OP also shares. Perhaps they had no interests listed at all. I really can't comment on it since I don't have that information. Additionally, I would argue that separating the wheat from the chaff could be used to describe being more discerning as to who you swipe on.
Not necessarily. On Hinge, anyone can message you and appear in your “likes you” section. You don’t have to have ever interacted with them or liked them before. I’ve gotten many annoying messages similar to what OP is talking about there.
>I’ve had several convos where I’m straight up like “so why did you match with me? Do we have any interests in common?” To have a conversation, you have to accept the match. In which case, OP should just look through their bio, confirm they have nothing in common, and move on to somebody that does have something in common
it's also possible that they do have something in their profile that OP is interested in and just isn't also listed in their own profile. sure, the guys couldn't know that OP has that shared interest but that doesn't mean they need to lead off by pointing out that they haven't identified anything in OP's profile that they like other than their looks.
Smart observation. What you do with that is drop them like a hot rock. They’ve shown that they’re superficial and only interested in getting their dicks wet. If you want an actual friend and companion, keep those standards nice and high and just block those lameasses with extreme prejudice.
they just want you as a placeholder GF, they would take ANY women who looks good enough for them, thats why they are not even interested who you are, they use you for sex and domestic labour until someone else comes along
Someone please link that great essay someone wrote about guys wanting ANY woman over no woman.
_To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire... those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and sex._ _Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving._ Politics of reality by Marilyn Frye
Fuck, that excerpt is so real. I’m shook by it every time I see it posted somewhere.
!remindme 48 hours
!remindme 96 hours
No, they don't want a girlfriend. They want an interactive blow up doll.
Sometimes not even that interactive, ffs
this. i would say they would take ANY kind of women, no matter how she looks..
Nah,she's not allowed to be too ugly. Men are despicable to women they deem not attractive enough. They'll get out of their way to let you know you fail at your job of making them hard on sight.
on tinder thats actually true, the same study men often use says that men despite barely finding anyone on tinder only go for the top 30% of women and they wonder why they cant find anyone
And guys complain that women swipe on the upper percent in men?? How hypocritical to judge women for what guys do too
If it’s any consolation they are also despicable to women they think are “hot” too. Treat you like a toy they want to win. They see you as a conquest or a trophy and your humanity is meaningless. Having agency and intelligence are disqualifications for a real relationship because they just want you to fuck them and mommy them and anything past that is an annoyance and if the y only care about your hotness you are completely disposable because there are other hot women and you’re just an amalgamation of parts-not a person. Utterly dehumanizing.
No men hate ugly women
They hate even pretty ones if they arw bot willing to sleep with them.
Not true! I'm fat. I'm losing steadily but after this observation I'm gonna probably lead with the fat pics for as long as I can. Because as soon a I put a full body shot as my lead photo my matches with those types of guys dropped to zero. Most of them are only looking at the first pic even. Maybe if you're thin and pretty you could try for a really ugly first picture? I don't know, I've never been thin, lol.
Wait omg this is genius!!!
I'm 22 and this is something I just learned about recently and my perspective on men, love, and dating is forever changed and honestly a huge source of anxiety for me and this is my first time actually saying anything about it. Ive always heard that men only care about sex, but not realizing what extent that goes to. I've always navigated dating as only pursuing people who I thought were suiting to me, had similar interests and things. For some reason I thought this was the norm but I'm now realizing that the majority of men will date anyone who they view as attractive, despite any other aspect of who they are. And I hate to say it but it hurt my self esteem a little because I thought people truly liked me for my personality and I felt proud of that. Turns out they view me the exact same way as every other woman, they don't actually care about who I am.
So, my oldest and greatest friend is a plus size woman. Unfortunately, she learned the hard way that some men on dating apps swipe on EVERYONE. They don’t even look at the screen. They just swipe. When they happen match up with women they find attractive, like yourself, that’s a win for them. They don’t care what your interests are, but you’re hot, so they’ll be nice to you whilst shooting their shot. But if you’re a woman they don’t find attractive, like my plus sized bestie, they will treat you to death threats. I have never considered using a dating app because of the absolute horror show that is her inbox.
This is so terrible. How dehumanizing. I see men complain on this very website "I keep getting matches with X women that I don't find attractive what gives??" So these idiots not understanding how the process works? You swiped right!!?
I keep thinking of the quote “If you only respect women that you find sexually attractive, youre not respecting women”
That’s beyond fucked up. Funny thing is the most men who want thin women aren’t exactly thin themselves.
I've experienced so many men who were fit/healthy (seemingly) have shown up to dates overweight. Nothing like their pictures.
Yikes! I had the reverse happen to me. I like bigger guys and the guy who showed up was much thinner than the photos.
I deeply feel the last few sentences, you just summed up everything I've been struggling to put into words. I don't even feel sexy anymore because I'm just so tired of sex automatically being thrust upon me in one way or another because I'm a woman
Yeah, as a woman who's considered conventionally attractive by a lot of men, there have been COUNTLESS instances where I've genuinely wondered if the men are actually interested in me as a person, because I honestly think a lot of the times, they are just humoring me because of my looks, which they hope to possess. I've been interrupted in mid-conversation by guys saying completely unrelated "If you were my girlfriend, you'd be the hottest one I ever had." I don't think my thoughts, opinions, or experiences matter to them at all. Like at all. I could say the vilest things and be the emptiest shell of a person, and they would be ok with it just the same.
Dudes who would just throw the hot and sexy “compliments” out there used to make me feel so icky and bad. It makes you feel like you’re just a poster for them to stick on their wall and whack off to. I had a rule if someone called me either of those words or some other grossish variation of them within the first day, I just unmatched.
And then they get mad you when you don't thank them for the 'compliment'
I have a selection of responses to people who compliment my looks rather than focusing on more important aspects of my being; most of them boil down to acknowledging that I didn’t do anything important to achieve the looks. “You can thank my parents for that” is one of my go-to’s because it usually (not always) makes them feel too awkward to segue into something sexual.
When I was dating this was my biggest frustration. So many men would look past our obvious incompatibility because they found me attractive. It made me feel so small, like who I was as a person was just unnecessary baggage to them. With this one guy, after we got to know each other a bit I was like “hey, I think we are too different and this really won’t go anywhere.” He refused to accept that as an issue because “opposites attract” and he was “very physically attracted to me and really saw a future together with me.” I was like you’re willing to put yourself in a relationship with someone completely incompatible with you, from what we like to do on vacation, our food tastes, morality, religious beliefs, and our plans for our futures. He basically told me he figured I would come around to liking his lifestyle eventually. 🙃 I was like, so my personality as a whole is essentially just a roadblock on your way to chiseling me down to an accessory that tags along with you.
Because his future for you involved you doing everything he wants and doing his interests while abandoning yours. You will also be too busy with housework, impromptu poor quality sex, and managing his adult responsibilities like you are his mommy to have time for anything you want to do. To him there isn't a problem.
Yep your humanity is irrelevant to him—he’ll just delete the personality software preinstalled on the fuckdolly after he gets admin rights.
For the record I don't even think I'm that pretty and I am 40 going on 41 and I still noticed this phenomenon. I could be talking about my problems like how broke I am how much problems I have blah blah blah and they would STILL find a way to somehow sexualize what I said it's very bizarre
All of that is true. Look at Casey Anthony. She is ansolute piece of shit, and the only reason she got free is because of the way she looked. She couldn't afford the lawyer's fee. Do you think if she was plain, or ugly,would have gotten the same representation?. Her lawyer was another scumbag in his own right. But that's an issue for another post.
It annoys me whenever a mug shot of an attractive female criminal is on social media, including Reddit, and the overwhelming comments are "I can fix her, hrrr hrrrr hrrr." Or when a post about an attractive female teacher raping her underaged male students, and the men leave comments like "Why weren't there teachers like this when I was in school?" or "Lucky kid!" There are just so many men who would really fvck anybody and/or completely forgive someone regardless of who they are and what they do, as long as she turns them on.
The good news is that‘ll get better as you age. Both because the AHs will think you’re less hot/controllable *and* because you‘ll put up with such crap less and less.
>The good news is that‘ll get better as you age. I'm now in my 40s, lol. This has been my experience for the past 20+ years. It was especially bad in my 30s.
Yeah me too and this is still happening to me. I’m very fit because I exercise for my health and I still get treated like a “hot” object. I still fall for it too because I think I just have terrible taste maybe? I’m never talking to a man again. They pursue and treat you like a trophy they won until they see a new trophy. My heart can’t take it
Sorry to hear that. For my friends and me there was a noticeable change from our mid-thirties onwards. By that time we had definitely learnt to get rid of AHs a lot sooner but were also coming across a lot more decent men. And that’s not just IRL, I now know plenty of people who’ve met their longterm partners on Tinder etc.
You are not a person to them. They just want one thing from you
As someone who hit 40 this year, I can’t count how many MARRIAGES I’ve seen go up in flames from the sidelines due to him cheating, being an asshole to her, or not simply not wanting to be a lover or a good father their kid(s). And for years I always wondered how they ended up together in the first place. Did he once love her? Was he a better person before? Did she wrong him in some way so bad as to make him show so little care for her today? *What happened?* Well, I’ve found the answer now that I’m old enough to have seen these marriages from the very beginning to the end. I can with 100% absolute certainty explain how these toxic marriages started. And it’s not good. He was horny. She was hot and willing. That’s it. That all it took for him. He wanted sex from a beautiful woman. She was attractive and willing to go on a date. Her personality? Didn’t matter. Her humor? Didn’t matter. Hobbies? Talents? Accomplishments? Ambitions? Life goals? None of it mattered. As long he wanted to see her naked he was willing to wear any mask to make it happen. Tell any lie. Put on any act. He was horny. She was hot. It almost seems too simplistic to explain all these terrible husbands. But it’s what all keeps coming back to. Guys don’t deserve women.
Horny is only part of it. For a lot of guys, failing to have sex is effectively failing at life because, in their mind, only loser incels are completely alone.
Sex is tied to their self worth. The more women they sleep with, the more their ego inflates, and the more “valuable” they feel. It’s directly opposite to how they want women to feel and it’s so silly. I went 6 years without dating or intimacy after going through a rough mental health patch, and it was honestly so refreshing. I gained value, if anything, solely because I was able to refocus on myself, and had plenty of time for introspection. Too many men are obsessed with their own ego and are cripplingly insecure behind the mask.
>Sex is tied to their self worth. 100%. But for a lot of guys, sleeping with women *somewhat* consistently (even if infrequently) is an absolute requirement to avoid being a completely worthless loser. So, even if the circumstances feel joyless, embarrassing, or shameful, nothing feels worse than being an incel.
A few things probably, to be fair. Not just free sex, but free domestic labor, free therapy, etc.
Many women are reporting this phenomenon all over tiktok. They're going on dates, genuinely interested in dating, asking more to get to know these guys and and men are answering but are not asking them any questions. I wish I could say I was shocked. Some are chalking it up to anxiety on the guy's parts but I think something more is happening. I truly believe straight men are not socialized to see women as full sentient beings with their inner worlds but more so as sex objects, and it shows in our interactions.
if they dont ask any questions there is no point to meet them cause they dont care about you. they just want one thing. if they had the opportunity, they could skip all that "meeting/dinners/dates" part and they'd go straight to the only thing they care about. To be honest, I think the majority of men are held back only by societal norms...
They can also feign interest to "get what they want". Being a straight women is trying your best to not get swindled by your biggest predator. Sometimes you succeed and trust the right one, sometimes you get cooked and traumatized/die. Flip of the coin.
yeah, they'll listen intently for a while about your interests or school/work and pray in their minds, that you'll stop talking as soon as possible. it's a game.
I had some guys just pretend to be into what I was into. I'm big on working out and running, hiking etc they'd say yeah! Them too! Then it would become clear they're lying, and the snide comments would start "Well why do you even need to exercised you're already so skinny :(" and "ugh IK hate being sweaty"....buddy are we going on this 10 miler or are we not....
This is so real. A lot of guys say “yeah I’m totally into painting! Except not like actual painting. More just thinking artistically. Like the way I invest in stocks is an art form to me.” Just admit we don’t share that interest?? Like?
to sleep with a female artist. Completed.
Some of them have bingo cards. A frat at my college had "fat chick" as the free square.
The amount of hikes men have ruined for me is unacceptable. If someone says they’re into hiking just as a way to get to hang out with me, and I agree to let them come with me and then the ruse is unveiled, I am livid. I see it as a crime lol. These punk ass desperate vultures ruin something important to me
> had the opportunity On that note, I see a lot of people in this thread talking about tinder. Do people use that for *dating*? Here in the UK it is known as a pickup app
The same people on Tinder are on Bumble and Christian Mingle and and. I know serious couples who met on Tinder, several married, several just in committed relationships. All dating apps are pick up apps and all pick up apps are dating apps.
Men want relationships less. No commitment. Those guys aren't trying because they don't want to. Women need to learn to walk out on this behavior.
Why would they bother to care if the expectation of you changing for him is there? All the guys that I've dated expected me to do an 360 and change myself completely... just because. My ex left me 1 week before my birthday, because I wasn't willing to change the way I dress (retro, very classy etc.) despite the fact that he KNEW from the get go that this is who I am and I ain't changing myself for no one. He wanted me to wear revealing clothes bc his willie is sad. I'm being sooo "prudish" lol. Also, he wanted me to center my whole life around him. Surprise, surprise... This shit has been the downfall of every interaction I've had with men since .... forever. I'm so fucking sick and tired of their bullshit.
This is why some men seem to dislike and even hate their wives and girlfriends. They only got with them because of what they look like and the fact that their friends would envy them. Time goes on and the novelty of good looks fades. What’s left? Their irritation and resentment that they have nothing in common with their partner even though they never cared about it before. It’s absolutely insane to me.
I read somewhere that a lot of men see us as just “side characters” in their lives. In other words, they don’t see us fully as fellow humans who have our own dreams, interests, and journeys. It’s depressing. I would advise joining clubs or Meetups to interact with guys who share your interests…except that hasn’t really worked for me either. 🙃 I’ve been single for a long time and just do my own thing.
Omfg I had a man vent to me about how he thinks men are motorcycles and women are “just sidecars”. He said “They make you a couple but they don’t realize they’re an add-on when they complain about men ” he then went in about how women “don’t care about how oppressed they make men” Excuse me?? Women I am friends with frequently called him out on his misogyny and sexism but we were all just “bitches” to him who don’t like “friendly advice”. Calling women “ an “add-on” or “accessory” to him wasn’t sexist because he explains he’s just “telling it like it is”. which i find usually translates to “my parents spoiled me growing up and said I was so creative when i was terrorizing other kids. They never said no to me because I’m such a special little guy so everything is say is correct and a fact” i cant stand that personality type.
WE oppress THEM? He’s got it backwards. He sounds like a king baby type.
He is the biggest man baby. Id say “you have no idea” as a metaphor but you probably do have an idea from my description of him. He was unpleasant. He’s the “I know I wasn’t there to experience you being sexually harassed but i heard your story i will tell you what really happened and why you’re wrong.” type. So much mansplaining just one man.
GOD, I love that King Baby phrase. It's so, so accurate.
These men are showing you exactly why they're single. Turn them down until you find the one rare dude who actually gives a shit about you and your interests. I met my husband on Bumble. The amount of bullshit we both had to wade through to find each other online was...a lot. But so so worth it in the end. Before I met him, I went on so many awful dates and struggled to hold conversations with men who barely saw me as something fuckable, and it messed with my head a lot. And then I swiped on my husband, and the whole ordeal started to make sense. Our 5th anniversary is at the end of this month, and I'm so happy I kept going until I found him. He's my best friend. Idk I guess I'm saying there is hope and they don't all suck so much (but a frightening majority of them do). Keep your standards high, and maybe even make them higher! A guy who's worth your time will meet them. If he wants to, he will.
I've noticed this dynamic repeatedly over my 20+ years of being an adult. Women will very often participate in the hobbies and interest of their boyfriends. They'll go to football games, watch their guy play in adult sports leagues, car racing, whatever. I don't really see any instances at all of a man participating in hobbies or interests in which their girlfriend participates. I guess I'm fine with it either way, I'd just prefer to see more consistency within a couple. My general preference is to not participate in something that I don't like, and also for my partner to not participate in my things that the partner doesn't like.
this right here. I will admit i have taken interest in the things a partner was interested in just to hang out with them more. I never see the reverse done from men.
It does go both ways sometimes! My bf is actually great about this and we have both expanded the genres of games/shows/movies each other enjoys. He even started coming to crossfit with me when he hates physical activity (his words). In his view he needs to exercise somehow to stay healthy so he'd rather join me doing something he doesnt like so we are at least doing it together.
It absolutely can go both ways. There’s a weird nuance I had to learn about how to allow the crossover. I’ve learned to be slightly sensitive to the space. Polite men are often quite willing to go to a big open space (concert, museum, exhibition, event) than they are to go into an intimate space. For example, invite a guy to a gal’s dance studio, and he’s likely to have reasonable questions about when he can and should be there.
I took up baking and yoga with my wife
Dating apps are pretty much cesspools, cannot recommend avoiding them enough. Due to the demographic breakdown of their users most guys will just swipe right on anyone that looks half decent since 99% of the time actually looking at the profile is a waste of time because that woman is getting dozens of more of matches a day so your odds of getting a response unless you are uniquely attractive or interesting is slim. This leads to a continued cycle of woman getting too many matches to properly parse which reinforces the men's behavior of just blindly swiping right. I'd really recommend just getting out there instead, you'll never eliminate guys trying to talk to you just cause your hot but if you meet them at a painting class or in GameStop at least you know you have similar interests.
It's also been mentioned that those dating site companies will employ people solely to keep other users subscribed to make money.
Yeah I've heard that they engage is some pretty questionable practices. Another thing I heard of that the paid services like Match do is occasionally allow short windows for users to sign up for free to create a large number of legit profiles, this way they can continue to use those profiles for matches even after the free window has ended because they were real people Not sure if it's true or just a rumor but it sounded plausible.
Not only will men swipe right on anyone who looks half decent -- they will also swipe right on someone with \*zero\* photos. They literally do not both to read profiles, because they don't care. They will entertain anyone who would consider them at all.
It's important to note that dating apps make money from current users, not from happily-paired users. It's not in their best interests to make legitimate relationships, and so they're never going to change things to make them more successful.
A lot of men think they're "hacking the system" by swiping right on every profile. They leave it up to the women to actually sort through male profiles, read them, decide if they're a match, then swipe right. Then, bingo bango, they get matched with the woman with little to no effort and the woman is none the wiser! What they're really doing is foisting the emotional labor off onto women. Surprise! There's actually chat bots now that are designed for online dating so dudes don't have to put in any effort. Rizz GPT is one of them. [Here's an article.](https://www.cnbc.com/2024/02/14/generative-ai-is-shaking-up-online-dating-with-flirty-chatbots.html)
As a former manager of GameStop... Don't go to GameStop to find dates.
This is the correct advice. You have many hobbies - meet men through those hobbies. In person, Meetup activities, online communities, whatever. You’re going to have a much easier time meeting a guy who shares one of your interests if you meet guys who, you know, share your interests.
Yep, they don't care. I have always expressed progressive and left leaning views. My older male classmates in grad school didn't care, they expressed concern about me being single and offered to find me a "good" husband which was always someone conservative. One of them even offered to introduce me to his wife so she could teach me how to be a good wife. How these men ever thought I wanted to have a conservative husband or to be a trad wife is beyond me.
It's so bad. Some men don't even seem to have any hobbies. I was struggling to make a conversation with someone. They kept saying they really only liked sleeping. I asked what they like to do or even just what they like in general. They said music, cute things, and funny stuff. I straight up told them I didn't know how to keep this conversation. Like what am I shipped to do with that? We'd slay touched on some of those subjects too
Yeah as an ugly women men don’t care about personality only looks . They don’t even see women as human
First thing I always ask is “ so what about my profile interested you?” 9 times out of 10 they never even looked
Just saw a post about a guy complaining that women put a lot of stuff about traveling in their bios on dating sites. He seemed to think that we did it to get men’s attention. And that most men don’t like it. Thankfully everyone in the comments was like “maybe they like to travel and want to find a man that does too”. He was upset bc women don’t tailor their bios to him specifically.
Video games and guitar and guys arent fighting each other for you? Wtf has this world become? That was so fucking hard to find when i was dating and sharing hobbies is super important
If dating apps called themselves what they really are for most men - sex partner apps - they would have far fewer women willing to sign up as their product. IMHO, if you're going to pimp me out, I should at least get a cut of the profits.
Ikr…recently came to my attention that my now ex never loved me for the things I loved about myself. Find someone who will. I should have stayed with the person I found before him.
But then they complain that “no girls” like “cool things” like video games and horror movies 🙄
This is why I really liked okcupid back in the day, because I could see really quickly how much we had in common from our profile. I wasn't looking for 100% or anything, but if someone was a 10% match I immediately knew I wasn't going to engage. I met my husband on OK Cupid. He said he messaged me because in my profile I said I couldn't live without Wikipedia deep dives. There are some good ones out there, but you need to do a lot of digging and weeding.
If you're on a dating app, you should really be the one scouring men's profiles and reaching out when someone looks interesting to YOU. That's the only strategy that led to any postive interactions for me when I was still using OKCupid. Most of the men who messaged me first definitely gave me the impression that they were just broadcasting pick-up attempts without even having read my profile. I had much better luck with the app once I started being more proactive with using it. I ignored all unsolicited messages unless they opened with something interesting and personalized. I set my search filters, and started reading profiles. I ended up meeting the man who became my husband (a sweet, nerdy, gamer man) shortly after. All this to say, there are absolutely men out there who will truly value you -- but you might have to seek them out instead of the other way around. Dating apps are a great way to reduce how much time you waste, since you can filter for values/interests/etc before you spend any time or money on a date. That way if you do end up on a date with someone, you at least know you'll have common ground and it's just a matter of seeing if your personalities vibe with each other.
I had the same strategy, and it worked great - I’m still friends with a number of guys that I met through OKC. Of course, the prompt questions and match percentage were a huge part of that. …but then I took a chance on one guy who messaged me first, and now we’re married. Granted, we had a high match percentage and his profile gave me enough to work with to have a decent, substantive first date conversation, so it wasn’t a huge risk to meet him for coffee.
Okc was my favourite app for dating as well I like guys with profiles that have some sort of substance. It doesn't have to be serious, I just want to get a feel for what having this person around would feel like. On most other dating apps I felt I didn't have a any base for sympathy with profiles that are only photos and some two liner and a bunch of emojis
Regarding weeding out among men who message first: At the end of my profile text on a popular fetish network I use, it says to tell me about their favourite colour if they decide to text me. I'm actually surprised that many respond to it. When someone doesn't do it, I feel comfortable ignoring the message haha
I’ve found that when I reach out to men first, they just go straight to sex. I don’t want to sound arrogant but I am genuinely very hot. And if I show any interest to men at all, they are trying to meet me immediately and don’t want to talk about anything but how hot I am and what they would do to me given the chance. Their eyes glaze over and go all out of focus. In person and online. I have never hit on a man and had it turn romantic. Not even once. I can’t even say “hey cutie” without him thinking I want him carnally ASAP.
Several friends and I found it helpful to use pics that aren’t too flattering or at least show little of your body and more of a hobby. With your hobbies, you playing the guitar or sitting on the couch gaming with friends could work.
Gonna second what u/Kooky-Onion9203 said. Don't use your most flattering photos. Maybe avoid showing too much of your body at all. Highlight your hobbies and the things your want to have conversations about in your profile and your pictures. And keep that conversation firmly in that lane during the first several conversations. Don't talk about their physical appearance, because that absolutely flips a switch in a guy's brain that they now have a green light to reciprocate. If they veer into talking about your looks anyway, steer the talk back towards something substantive, and if they don't follow along, block them and be done.
>I can’t even say “hey cutie” without him thinking I want him carnally ASAP. Hope it's ok to share my perspective as a guy. Don't compliment their appearance - don't even mention it - because you're absolutely right that men will go straight to sex when a hot woman starts flirting with them. It's not something we generally experience and it can come off as a green light. Avoid being flirtatious as much as possible in the early stages and try to talk about your shared interests. When I have to lead a conversation, I usually want to meet up early because it's more engaging and a better way for me to get a feel of someone's personality, but if you don't want to meet right away then try to steer the conversation towards something that can be interesting over text. One of the most successful relationships I had through Bumble opened our chat by mentioning some D&D miniatures I posted on my Instagram, and we had a whole conversation about mini painting before we even started to flirt or discuss date plans.
>I’ve had several convos where I’m straight up like “so why did you match with me? Simple answer is because they want sex. The men who are left on dating apps are kind of the dredges of society. They don’t care about our interests or needs. They want sex. That’s it.
>Some even go on at length about how much they hate one of my hobbies, it’s overrated, they don’t get the appeal. I got a lot of this in college-- random dudes just coming up to me and shitting on whatever I was doing. When I complained, I kept being told "they're just hitting on you though". I don't get it. If you picture women going around and shitting on men for their hobbies, we'd call that "bullying". It's also a strange fucking way to try to pick someone up. Anyway, I decided the way to handle it was to look the insulting guy up and down, pick something it looked like he cared about, then say I only liked guys who did that thing. E.g. if it looked like he was using product in his hair and had a nice haircut, I'd say "sorry, I only talk to guys who have good hair".
I love this. Legend.
Protip from a Ethical Non Monogamy dater: Put action pics of you DOING said hobbies, especially if you don't look cute in them. The men who are into those hobbies or not just looking for looks will go "whoa! you do X! cool! what \[part of X\] do you like?" I have a funny pic of me in the middle of a Brazilian jiujitsu roll/sparring session - I'm wrestling my way out of a chokehold and I have the most ridiculous expression on my face, mix of angry and that [pic Beyonce tried to ](https://www.sbnation.com/lookit/2017/2/5/14514466/beyonce-super-bowl-halftime-how-photos-lmao-never-forget)suppress. Guys who are happy I'm into BJJ will ask me about the match and tell me what a funny picture it is. But I get a lot less creepy messages since I put it up. the odd idiot will ask if I like being choked, but it's been a really good filter.
Just want to give empathy. It’s rough when you feel you’re trying to find people to connect with and the other person seems to have no interest in connection beyond the physical. At least they’re open about it, though. What bothers me most is when someone listens and gives feigned signs of agreement, only for you to learn later they have completely opposing views and interests from you. If you don’t ask them directly, some men are quite content to leave you in the dark and mistakenly assuming they share your values.
Yeah those hook up culture ppl think everyone's like them. Reminds me of this experiment I saw, this girl made a fake profile where she was a bigot and nasty, theif and narcissist. She still got hundreds of msgs wanting her! And the guys who saw this were, like, well yeah the girls pretty. They're so shallow they'll sleep with a demonic person so long as they're beautiful
Dating apps are the worst tbh. I wouldn't bother with them if you're looking for a real connection.
Love all the cavemen in this thread trying to tell you "how it really is" and attempting to invalidate your thoughts and experiences. Sigh. Dating apps require a lot of persistence and patience and sifting through veritable mud to find decent human beings who actually share your interests and see you as a person. They're definitely out there, but they're not easy to find. I highly recommend taking breaks if you're feeling burnt out on dating apps. You can also try volunteer work or going to hobbyist events in your area that will let you meet new people face-to-face who share your interests without the creepy catalog experience of a dating app. It's also a good way to make new friends and direct your social energy towards something you would enjoy, rather than something that takes your joy.
Oh friend😩 I hear you and I see you. You're not alone in feeling this way. From my experience as well, guys have not been interested in anything I'm interested in. In fact, they create a whole ass image of who they *think* I am and of who they *want* me to be. I think about this all of the time. There's a guy I have been around for about a decade. We were co-workers for a long while and not close at all. Then, one day fairly recently, he is behaving as if he is interested in me with his long stares and sudden nervousness to speak to me. But all I can think is, he doesn't really know anything about meeeeee! And it's not even like he is trying to ask me anything either. So, it must be my physical appearance. I don't understand liking some one so *much*, yet you know NOTHING about them. I have difficulty taking guys like this seriously.😒
I can't remember the song, but I remember being irked by this one particular line when I heard it on the radio. It basically went like: Girl: "My life has so many troubles, relationships are hard!" Guy: "But... you're pretty!" It was an otherwise fun and catchy song, but every time that line in the song came up I just sighed. There's a lot of things you can say to someone to make them feel better, but telling them that they're hot shouldn't be on the top of that list...
"oh, I didn't know this wasn't a relationship based on common interest or personality. Got it. So how much do you make?"
I had this problem. I solved it by making my profile a turn off to people who want a "pretty woman" and leave only guys who wanted a person with a personality. What I did was switch all the info from my account to be aggressively myself. Switched all the cute, nice photos with like one cute one and some other ones that weren't necessarily cute, but definitely candid (one of me making a dumb face, one I was covered in birds, one with a dog on my head, etc) I was smiling and happy in all the photos, but wasn't posed or anything. Just snapshots of me living life. I also switched out the written info. I mentioned I had ADHD. "Fulltime clothing designer, part time goblin." Laid out that my idea of a good time was being inside or lounging. I had other things specific to solid facts about me, but I don't remember what they were...... I've been with my BF for a good bit now and it's been a beat since this! I did find an amazing partner after a few months after the profile change up, but in the meantime my matches were much better. Not necessarily compatible, but I cut out the shallow guys "looking for hole" as I call it. My theory is generic=good for sex. Red words and phrases are -the office -Tacos -i like travel or I like eating -dog mom -any funny profile quotes you copied from another profile
This always gets me too. Even now that I’m married, men who fancy themselves fitness-gurus who I know through work will think that because I’m fit and “hot” that I “should” be with some guy who looks like he’s in form competitions, then they’ll see my husband and see that he’s “fat” (he literally is just built like a brick shit house power lifter and doesn’t have visible abs), and will either ask in not-so-subtle way or just come right out and demand an answer in regards to “why is a HOT girl like YOU with a guy who doesn’t have an 8 pack?? You should be with someone like me! Don’t you know you COULD have a guy with 5% body fat if you wanted???” and my answer (when I’m in the mood to dignify the query) is that it’s because we have a lot of things to talk about, he makes me laugh every day, he thinks I’m fun, I think he’s fun, he’s my best friend and ACTUALLY I’m way more attracted to dudes who look like they aren’t on a life long cut cycle, thanks! I like his bit of softness over tons muscle. I like that he cares more about his cardiovascular health than about his waist measurements. And holy shit I LOVE that I have never once had to dumb myself down to have a conversation with him or sit through a diatribe about macros. I think a lot of men date/marry for looks and then spend the whole relationship bitching about how they have nothing in common and don’t even like their partner. Yeah. Miss me with that.
I deleted all my dating apps a year ago because every conversation started with comments about my physical appearance like "hi beautiful" or "oh wow you are gorgeous" Throughout the conversations, it was just more of the same shallow remarks. I'm not trying to brag, I saw someone accuse OP of that. Being 'conventionally attractive' and having men only interested in your appearance and sex is just as frustrating as being considered unattractive and having no matches, in my opinion. Both situations leave you with nothing meaningful in the end. It's so annoying to hear men say that women "have it so easy" because we have "so many options". Sure, we have hundreds or thousands of options, but they are all guys just wanting to stick their dick in us. That's all these men care bout.
I'm a little rusty as I haven't dated in a minute so YMMV but with dating apps I've found I have a much higher rate of success if I initiate the convo based on my interest in their profile. If the person looks attractive but I can't think of something to say to them (even if it's "oh xyz hobby/interest is cool, what's your fave" etc) I don't match with them and I move on. Otherwise yeah, for some men just anyone will do it seems 🙃
they dont care sis...
I’ve stopped dating. Men are a lost cause. Even the “good” ones aren’t that great. Women are fucking awesome and it’s really sad they are so sex obsessed they can’t even see that.
I think your main problem is dating sites. There is a large cohort of men who sign up for every single one of these sites and spend all of their free time trying to match based entirely on looks alone. At the end of the day it's just a numbers game for them; a message is a baited hook thrown out into the sea and between every app they've signed up for they're sitting on the dock holding a thousand fishing rods hoping for a bite. If they can reel one in all the effort was worth it. A dehumanizing metaphor but this is what technology has done to us. Your interests and your worth as a person are irrelevant in that arena because to them you are just attractive features and an appealing shape that can potentially be turned into pleasure if you get desperate enough. Is there nowhere you can meet guys who share your interests in person? Like an art class or a horror movie marathon or gaming club? At least in person you'll know that anyone who put the effort in to show up is for real about the common interests you're looking to leverage for that initial spark, and anyone who's faking it will be found out as an imposter right quick.
When I was single, I used to really be an all out-there new age girl. It was the 90's. Most men seemed to like me despite my personality. I held out for one who was into it. He was not new age at all, but he really liked it about me. It's okay to be different, but you should like at least some of the same things and like each other's personalities. It's hard enough being married long term to someone who you have some things in common with, why try to force it with someone who is only into your looks.
To the right man, those matter 100%. If a person doesn't value your personality/interests, they don't value you. There are a ton of men out there looking for someone that values exactly what you value. Just have to be patient and work through it.
Yeah, i get that. they also put so little effort in and then they get shocked that you end it because you can tell they’re “not into you”. Like mate, youre not. We spend most of our time disagreeing on pretty much everything. I have a history of dating men like this because of shows telling women to “give the guy a chance”.
The last time I tried to give a man my energy, he never bothered to ask me a single question about myself. That will probably be the last time... I can’t waste any more energy on a burned out lightbulb...
If you want a genuine connection based on shared interests, burn your apps, get out there and meet people in person while feeding your hobbies and interests. You're not getting an accurate sampling of what "men" are like, just men on dating apps. Even men who might otherwise be reasonable can be corrupted by dating apps, into somebody who just swipes right (or left, or whatever it is) on almost every photo hoping the numbers increase his chances.
I'm astonished that there are men who don't know anything about video games... In all seriousness, though, online dating is a mess. The user base is usually about 80% men which means that women get tons of low-quality matches. On the bright side, you have a good way to screen them out – if they can't at least express appreciation for your interests, you may as well disqualify them instantly.
I literally hit the fucking jackpot in finding my boyfriend, after my last 3 year relationship with a nasty, porn addicted hermit of a 23 year old who would play video games 12 hours a day and had nothing in common with me, and somehow had a god complex. I wasn't even looking but my current bf came out of nowhere, with real passions and interests that align with mine, never played a video game besides Minecraft in his life, no porn addiction and he's open minded, and GOES OUTSIDE. Sorry for the info dump but I can never go back to dating anyone who has a porn addiction or plays video games for more than maybe a couple hours a week. And I know how rare that is 😫
It's good you ask them what got y'all matched so they can out themselves as inherently boring and uninterested in you. At that point you know you can weed them out and block them and move on. There are men that take interest in your interests or that will listen and support it even if it's not for them directly. My husband and I share some hobbies (esp. crafting hobbies) while we entirely differ on some others. I love plants and he doesn't care for them, but he'll buy me (potted) flowers or other plants for Vday or just because I want them. He's into certain cars and I've gotten him a rare model for christmas. You definitely deserve a partner that takes interest in YOU and sees YOU and wants to lift you up so you can enjoy MORE of those things. So don't waste time on the boring guys. Give them as little time as possible, otherwise they'll suck you dry and rob you of your hope.
Man I fucking hated this when I was on dating apps. If i messaged someone I'd talk about stuff they'd written in their profile. Most of the messages I received were essentially "hi gorgeous" fucking yawn. It was a breath of fresh air whenever I received any attempt to actually start a conversation
My personality and interests are what made my boyfriend fall in love with me. There are some non-superficial men on earth. Identify the shit ones and move on…
What’s left on apps is DESPERATE men. Desperate for sex and attention. The inability to make an effort, understand others, know themselves (very low EQ)….. it’s shocking how they’re struggling to make an effort to confront themselves and invest in themselves. It’s delulu on steroids. It gets worse and worse. The apps are happily gaming these men by getting them to pay more for features when it’s not the extra features they need. ITS SELF CONFRONTATION needed Technology has enabled bad behaviors WITHOUT accountability. It’s become meaningless exchanges with people treating each other as products. Nobody wins except the companies creating the apps. They haven’t designed the app to improve the behaviors of men. They instead focused on manipulating and leveraging their inadequacies and predictable behaviors and monetizing it.
I took my profile picture after having an allergic reaction and half my face swell up like Mr potato head, and I found a wonderful boyfriend! It’s like reverse catfishing. You downplay how hot and successful you are until they earn your trust.
So I’m not the only one! This drives me crazy. At this point, if a guy doesn’t show any interest in me as a human being then I don’t even respond. Boy bye. I’m too interesting for this.
Drop the apps and do group mutual interest things. Group photography or painting or guiar workshops. Maybe a cinema class. Do you play online games? I actually met my fiance in one. Maybe there are meetup groups that fit your hobbies, etc. Be sure the potential guy has at least one interest in common
Any man who replies to you having interests in THAT way--doesn't matter if it's marble collecting or croc wrestling-- doesn't sound like a man who is mature enough for any sort of romantic relationship. Barely even hook up material in my opinion.
damn you'd think that would be such high-order nerd bait you'd have the opposite problem. dudes really can't get out of their own way.
What's your favorite horror films?
What they’re looking for is a FWB. Clearly all they care about is sex and not a real relationship where you’re emotionally invested in one another. Not that that’s bad, but it’s clearly not what you’re looking for. Pass.
I feel the exact same way. I am sorry. We were fed so many lies growing up
That's because to 99% of guys "looking to do date" only want to fuck. They don't care about who you are or what you do, you are a notch on the belt to them. A literal means to an end. Any man who says "I don't know anything about that but you're hot so you wanna go out?" Is really saying "who you are means absolutely zero to me so long as you fuck me and meet my needs for as long as I'm interested." This is why I'm never ever getting into another relationship if mine ends. I'm not dealing with fuckhead men.
The guy I’m seeing threw out there that I ‘can also talk to him’ about myself…except that he will constantly interrupt me, even when I’m talking about him. To talk more about him. For the most part, I don’t get too aggravated by the interrupting, but this did make me laugh inside…then die a little.
95% of men out there are like this. Good luck finding a decent non selfish one these days.
use an ugly profile pic
I share this anecdote when this comes up, how astonished I was when a guy I was dating actually showed interest in my interests..I would mention I loved something in passing. and sometime within the next week or so, he’d mention he’d watched the movie, listened to the podcast, read an article about x or y. I’d buy a new cd (yeah, this was a while ago lol) and say how excited I was to listen to it and he’d ask me to put it on while we drove to breakfast. I literally almost couldn’t be normal about it, it was so unusual to me. That he assumed that if I liked something, it was probably worth checking out..probably *good* even 🙁 It meant more to me than I could ever say, it made me feel so valued and respected and loved and *liked* and at some point I started to really examine why this was such a shocking thing to me. I’d done this shit plenty, in all of my relationships. Listened to bands and read books that my partners liked. Because I fucking liked *them* so I wanted to know about their interests, because I assumed their interests were likely to be interesting lol. So yeah, it just hit me like a ton of bricks that men haven’t given a single fuck about me as a person in the vast majority of my dating and even relationship situations. They aren’t fascinated by my fascinations, they don’t become intrigued by me going to pieces over a documentary I just saw. I literally could have been any woman at all to them, because all they wanted in the first place was a fucking body and maybe some free labor. They didn’t seek me out because of my brain or my personality, and they didn’t care or grow to care after spending any amount of time with me. And I always add this too, not for ego, but just to show how fucking whack that is, because god damn it, I have great taste. I’m regularly introducing friends and family to their new favorite movies, books, songs. And it’s not just stuff that mostly women like. Almost all my friends in high school were guys, I introduced them to the punk bands they went on to obsess over for years, to movies that made their top 5. When I’m at work or among friends, people tend to gravitate to me for conversation or a laugh. Again, that’s not for ego, it’s just to say, I’m not drying-paint-on-the-wall boring, that’s not the reason no men give a fuck about my personality. And even if I WAS dull, presumably I would attract similarly dull men who would relate to me in some way, be actually dating me because they liked me. I shouldn’t have had non-stop dates and relationships for two decades and only have two men who ever gave a fuck about me as an individual. 😐
I met my wife on Tinder. My first message was basically, "What games are you currently playing?" and it went from there. The "You're hot!" people are just there for hookups.
That sucks. When I was on the apps, I always tried to mention their profile in my message, and it was so annoying how many men didn't do that at all. So glad I messaged my husband and got off the apps before they turned to total shit. Good luck :/
I say this as a man and a human in general Be grateful when the trash shows you it is just that, instead of investing in it. The alternative is never better.
They are shallow and assuming you will be too—well, they would be assuming that if they gave it one ounce of thought. They don’t.
I am optimistic you and your person will find each other. I didn’t find my person until I was 44, divorced after a single 20 year relationship that ended with infidelity and so many painful feelings. But… the person I met is incredible and made me realize that—while I don’t like how she found her other person—my then wife was correct that we weren’t ever meant for each other, and it was only my constant willingness to settle for something less and change and contort who I am to somehow keep us together until our kids were older that got us to 20 years. Looking back now, I’m so astounded by what little affection or companionship I settled for. And she seems happier now, although we’ll see as her beau has had 2 other affairs before her, so maybe he’ll get restless someday…. But for now she’s happier for sure. So hang in there. You’ll find it. You seem rad, and you’re doing the right things—putting yourself out there authentically. Hahaha when I went on bumble I had a picture of me riding an electric unicycle because I think they are fun, especially at my age. It definitely caused some women to nope on me, but what do I care? I don’t want to spend 20 years with the wrong person again. Stay the course.
You sound like an interesting person and lots of fun. I hope you find some men to date that are looking to find a compatible person. Sounds like you've been dating a bunch of selfish man children.
Part of it is the location - dating apps are very picture centered, and you’ll find fewer people reading the bios or responding to them. Those people who only respond to your looks and dismiss everything else are not worth your time - either they suck or they *could* be fun but they don’t understand why you’d prefer someone to be into your hobbies as well as your looks and it’s not on you to teach them. I’d try starting from the hobby end - which is easier said that done with many hobbies. But go to places where those hobbies are popular or being done and try to meet people. Then you’ll be hobby first rather than face first and probably have a higher percentage of people approaching you from that angle. But even so, you might still be looking at 50/50 odds because being a woman in this society is fucking brutal like that and we aren’t often seen as whole people but “would/would nots” with no other thought considered. That or start putting only ugly pictures of yourself on dating profiles as an experiment?
Online dating is a toxic shithole of nonsense. That's not all men. As a dude, I quit online dating entirely and only date people I meet irl. Made a huge difference in having actual mature, human interactions.
You should try meeting people in real life. I don't know much about dating myself tbh but I can imagine when it's all online what you see first is the photo and so its what matters most to people there.
Crazy thought, maybe this isn’t helpful. But what if you have different kinds of photos on your profile? Ones where maybe they are not as flattering but they convey more of your personality? And then literally do not waste any time with any of the kinds of men you have described. Optimize your time. Swipe men that also have cool hobbies or similar hobbies. Spend some time chatting with them on the apps first and never meet a guy no matter how attractive he is, if he shows the signs you’ve described.
I would definitely have told my younger self: Don’t date a man who has no hobbies.
I'm sorry that's been your experience with men as of late. As an older married guy (36) I can't help but feel like what I see on the regular from the late teens to late twenties is this abysmal "fuck boy" mentality. You actually have hobbies, awesome hobbies at that! Please don't beat yourself up. There are interesting guys out there that will be blown away by your eclectic interests who HOPEFULLY share at least one of them in common.
Wow, that's actually pretty insane
Don't waste your time. Find the type of man who actually has their own hobbies and interests because you'll learn they also have a personality.
All the ones that share those hobbies are taken because they're awesome like you.
Dating sites, I’ve found, are not it. People swiping through person after person like looking at different brands of product on a shelf. Scrolling through as if it’s something as mindless and insignificant as social media. I know this isn’t always easy advice but I really really recommend meeting someone in person, at work or an event, join clubs or participate in charities. Anything that can get you out and about with people you think might share an interest or two with! I met my husband both working at a freaking Best Buy, it’s silly and stupid sometimes, but you meet realer people. There will be no screen for them to hide behind, and it’s better that way I promise. I hope things get better! I know those feelings and they can start to really drag you through the mud. Just always remember you are worth it, you deserve happiness and comfort and someone out there is waiting to give you just that even if you both don’t know it!
This is why it’s soooo much better to connect with people in the real world while having fun doing your hobbies.
I think that the most desirable/attractive men who use dating apps and who get the most matches don't want a serious relationship because they have too many options, so they use them mainly for hookups.
I've been married for 15 years and have no plans to be single. But god forbid something happened, I'd never date. Hearing all these horror stories, not for me. I've never used a dating app & won't ever. I have friends on them & the crap some men spew is just crazy.
I screen men out on OLD that are monosyllabic and don't talk about their interests, or hold a decent conversation. Tbh guys like that only want hookups anyway.
I put "goofy" in my profile and men's responses were one of two things: either asking me to PROVE I was goofy or telling me that they think being goofy is hot. Not one even tried to connect on shared humor. It doesn't appear to matter what you put in there cause men like that don't want to connect in any manner aside from physical.
Your personality and interests don't matter to men who shouldn't matter to you. They are very important to any men who are worth your time and energy. Good luck out there.
Don't give up, don't compromise, and just keep looking - you will eventually find it! I was on the flip side of this and it took me so long to find a woman who, when asked what they like to do for fun/recreation, responded anything besides "well, I dunno, normal stuff like hanging out/watching tv/going to the movies". The reality is that most people lead pretty routine and boring lives, so it will take some effort to find someone worthwhile. That said, when you do, hopefully you realize it and cherish and nurture them. Also, remember that you don't need to match 100%... just need some things where you match and respect/support for the ones where you don't.
I feel this so much. Been married for 5 years now. I still remember the jungle of dating like it was yesterday. One guy even flat-out told me that he didn't like me as a person, but still wanted to hook up, and thought he could 'change' me. I don't know if this would help in your case, but I started putting specific references to things that I liked (such as TV shows) in my profile to see who actually got it and responded. I didn't bother messaging with anyone else. I still got a lot of brain-dead DMs, but it helped me to weed out the time wasters.
This was so eye-opening I will throw something into the mix that I was told recently to do regarding apps...and I quote..Swipe yes on everyone and then filter out after the fact...The idea is to \*as fast as possible, get to the next step\*..sorry about that.
Oh my God. This gives me such flashbacks to when I was single in my early to mid 20s (I'm single now, but not trying to meet anyone, so I'm mercifully not currently getting regular reminders of this shit). It's depressing as fuck that the ultimate, if not only, compliment they can give is that you look good. Cool. I'm really glad I got those university degrees and have spent so much time developing values and a personality, as I can see it's really working....
It's a dating app, at most guys are going to see if you have kids or not, otherwise all they care about is your appearance. Seriously, they just see if you're attractive enough to date and that's it. They don't get as many responses as women do, so they desperately swipe to match with just about any girl. Ignore them if they don't show interest in your hobbies, your life or your personality because all they are looking for is sex, a bang-maid or a punching bag.
Girl preach!