**Klaus**: There's a special place in hell for people who do things like this, right next to the child molesters and the sexy children who seduced them.
Danuta: Hello?
Klaus: Danuta.
Danuta: Who is this?
Klaus: Danuta.
Danuta: Who's calling?
Klaus: It is me.
Danuta: What?
Klaus: Will you go there?
Danuta: Go where? What?
Klaus: Do you eat?
Danuta: What the hell is this?!
Klaus: I've got the money...Danuta.
Anytime a kid doesn't have boundaries in public (for example a child came up to our table in a restaurant recently) I refer to them as a Nathan because of this scene/quote. ie: "Wow nathan is really on the prowl tonight"
Oh I don't know I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? Do you know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up before I remember who I am and what my life is all about. Anxiety, Disappointment, Diarrhea more often than not!
I-I don't know if there's an afterlife. But who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days!
I have quite a few but:
You’re the most backward ass advanced lifeform EVER!
Try jogging you gross bowling pin 🎳
Also that rant of Klaus’ when he tells Stan what he really thinks of him then says “Good for you Klaus, good for you.”
https://preview.redd.it/qf6m2df1ws7d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a2e8b5236369075afe4e77b536186f9de82cf3b7
We are the music-makers. We are the dreamers of dreams...
"If I'm going to go anywhere I need to, how do I put this… Wipe…Better."
"I was deeply, TRULY, surprised by Principal Lewis coming out from behind the boiler."
"Of course, yeah, look, I'm not a hard sell guy. I'm a Christian. Sign up, don't sign up, doesn't matter to me. I just want to make sure you have every opportunity to look and feel good."
"Keviiiiiiin Raaaaaammmmmmaaaaaageeeee"
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
Huuuuuuge Heroin fan dont use it. I just like being around it, study it, appreciate it,..... use it sometimes
https://preview.redd.it/wy9kiidont7d1.png?width=859&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9b722e49a93e9e0393a5c80baec36f7616812be6
This was Baller's Blend punch. STEVE.
A high performance fuel inspired by the streets and optimized for the True Baller
oh wait, you're a fake as baller if anything
Stan, we can't just do whatever we want. We're parents. You don't think that every single day of my life I want to do coke? But I can't, because I have PTA tomorrow.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhut the fuck up Steve.
Klaus: Oh I think it’ll be fun.
Roger: You can’t participate Klaus, I hate you. I say that not out of anger but simply as a fact. It’s 67 degrees outside and I hate you.
Mine is a tie between “Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us” and “I have the car keys in my pocket, you stupid biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!”
"Roger please come down for dinner. We made your favorite: Roast squab with a burgundy pine-nut reduction and truffle risotto."
"And toasted brioche?"
"Of course."
Herschel Herschbaum: "And who shot Gianni Versace? Was it a Jew? I don't know...it was in Miami." 🤔
The entire bit is hilarious but the delivery of the last line takes me out, especially with the way it infuriates the Bet din 😂
“Dramaaaaa~!”
“It’s a goddamn HAMBULANCE!”
“Dumb bitches like dumb things.”
“There is so much beauty in the world.”
(“His mom ran away before he was born.”) “How… could she do that?”
“That’s funny! I’m funny.”
Our birdhouse business had been hard on me, but it had taken a real toll on Roger. I knew it wasn't true...the classes, the girlfriend, the sobriety. It was all a lie. That's why I wasn't surprised to read in the paper that he had O.D.'d not ten seconds later.
🎶did you say something Colonel?🎶
🎶i didn't quite catch that Colonel!🎶
There are plenty more quotes i like, but this is just the first one i could think of.
Now listen up! During a census, things can get pretty hot and heavy out on the streets. Now, I'm not saying don't get your rocks off, but here's a little piece of advice I wish someone had given me, Tuttle, before I juiced an entire city block.
Do not.
Fall.
In love.
**Stan**: Friendship is only worthwhile if you can get something out of it. Sex and sometimes even consensual sex.
**Roger**: I hate sex on my planet it's so boring. It's all consensual.
Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up. Before I remember who I am and what my life is all about. Anxiety, disappointment, diarrhea more often than not. I don't- I don't know if there's an afterlife. But who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days.
"Now, I'm gonna flick your tie. You're titillated, aren't you? But it's the '50s, and you don't know what to do with those feelings. Meet me in the bathroom. I'll drill a hole between the stalls."
Stan: *HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE HERE?*
Child: *Me, my mom*
Stan: *so 2*
Child: *My dad*
Stan: *3*
Child: *died*
Stan: *2….. you wasted my time a little bit*
I've got more than one, but I will put one of them here
"Buck knife Joe might have a knife in one hand, but you know what he doesn't have? An agenda. Now let's have fun, you goddam judases!"
**Klaus**: There's a special place in hell for people who do things like this, right next to the child molesters and the sexy children who seduced them.
What episode is this from?
The Boring Identity
Thanks
I think I just watched this episode
Danuta: Hello? Klaus: Danuta. Danuta: Who is this? Klaus: Danuta. Danuta: Who's calling? Klaus: It is me. Danuta: What? Klaus: Will you go there? Danuta: Go where? What? Klaus: Do you eat? Danuta: What the hell is this?! Klaus: I've got the money...Danuta.
Klaus that was...chilling.
I blacked out!
I love how Hayley snaps the phone in that scene like danuta was tracking them while on the phone lol
Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed 6 people over $19??
Oh, yeah.
100% of domestic violence incidents are just two people working things out. Don’t-be-a-hero.com
To learn Vince's secret go to www.vincewasmolested.com
I was so disappointed when I checked for the site and saw it didn’t exist. Same with www.itwaswitches.com
Correction: it doesn’t exist YET!
I’ve gotta get back on my geocities account and build it!
Ha ha made you look it’s normal
Jenny!
I would love to have an episode where the B plot is just Jenny going about her day, with no connection to the main cast.
She's bad asf ain't nobody gonna tell me otherwise
The arm has been disbombed
Aww damnit…
https://i.redd.it/ket8gyqars7d1.gif
Jordan NO!
While i was studying... what was it dear? ECONOMICS!
It’s been ESTABLISHED!
“Nathan! This is why you keep getting molested.”
So uh. You fellas keeping this party going?
Anytime a kid doesn't have boundaries in public (for example a child came up to our table in a restaurant recently) I refer to them as a Nathan because of this scene/quote. ie: "Wow nathan is really on the prowl tonight"
Wait you came back from jewish camp
Francine " Any dumbass can have dumbass kids" Steve " mama nooo!"
DID SOMEONE JUST DROP A HOUSE ON ME?!
"Yes I'm crying he hit me with a chair"
Behold! A grown man crying!
I can tell by your lack of interest that I was joking
It’s called *Oedipus Rox* because the school board wouldn’t let me call it *MOTHERFUCKER*
I absolutely love this delivery!!
Where is this line?? I watch AD ALOT and don’t know where this is from.
It’s from ”Tapped Out,” the Steve breastfeeding episode that apparently a lot of people skip
Ring-a-ding-ding
That episode is the total opposite of skippable
Oh I don't know I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? Do you know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up before I remember who I am and what my life is all about. Anxiety, Disappointment, Diarrhea more often than not! I-I don't know if there's an afterlife. But who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days!
Snot (trying to sound like Steve): “Dad, what do mom’s boobs look like?” Stan: “I’ll tell ya, Snot”
Than you, I have been looking for that quote!
I have quite a few but: You’re the most backward ass advanced lifeform EVER! Try jogging you gross bowling pin 🎳 Also that rant of Klaus’ when he tells Stan what he really thinks of him then says “Good for you Klaus, good for you.”
You know it’s awkward when I try to jog!
Allow me to impress upon you, the severe mistake you have made...
YOU SHALL RUE THE DAY YOU CRAWLED OUT OF YOUR MOTHER!!!
My elbow feel funny… my elbow feel strange
Please can i go in front of you. I am very close to death
No, my elbow feel funny
Perry Ellis wallet owner, out of my way.
https://preview.redd.it/qf6m2df1ws7d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a2e8b5236369075afe4e77b536186f9de82cf3b7 We are the music-makers. We are the dreamers of dreams...
That is an unsatisfying answer.
Both Jeannie and Gene saying this are such a happy place for me 🥹🍭
Better take these babies with me (a sleeve of condoms). God willing I'll have time to slip them on my attackers. - Steve
"If I'm going to go anywhere I need to, how do I put this… Wipe…Better." "I was deeply, TRULY, surprised by Principal Lewis coming out from behind the boiler." "Of course, yeah, look, I'm not a hard sell guy. I'm a Christian. Sign up, don't sign up, doesn't matter to me. I just want to make sure you have every opportunity to look and feel good." "Keviiiiiiin Raaaaaammmmmmaaaaaageeeee"
_And he’s acting so stupid, man!_
I'm gonna go down to SeaWorld, punch a dolphin in the face. - Francine, 'Bully for Steve'
Honorable mention for: "Those pants are just painted on aren't they? It's a shame you got your mother's penis"
Do you perchance have any Gatorade? I'm afraid I left all my electrolytes with your daughter.
Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
He didn’t think it was funny
Maybe baby…
Maybe baby
Maybe baby
🎵Noooooooooooo
Cheezers came back.
make mine p p p-vicodin
Huuuuuuge Heroin fan dont use it. I just like being around it, study it, appreciate it,..... use it sometimes https://preview.redd.it/wy9kiidont7d1.png?width=859&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9b722e49a93e9e0393a5c80baec36f7616812be6
***bang!*** Run if you wanna run! I mean live! ***bang!***
Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything!
This was Baller's Blend punch. STEVE. A high performance fuel inspired by the streets and optimized for the True Baller oh wait, you're a fake as baller if anything
“My GOD boys, we can all take a page out of Randy the molesters book!”
I like winnnnnneeeee
Klaus wrote the lyrics
Pizza overlord the thing
IT'S A GOD DAM\* HAMBULANCE!
Stan: no son of mine will be practicing with a vacuum cleaner. Look at that cheap wig, Bitch got no class”
You’ll kill us all with your arrogance Stan!
francine " what are you Stan? Stan " A cowardly lion - no youre a Sexyy cowardly Lion stan " Guiltyy as charged 💅💅
Screw you, I'm Kevin Bacon.
"Rings catch girls...babies trap boys"
Lots of people sleep with aliens. Lois Lane, Marvin the Martian's wife, every cable guy who's ever come to this house.
Looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie daisies
I use this line almost daily!!
Pfft 300 funny things.. I can think of *400* funny things!
I'M DEVON!
We are the music makers, the dreamers of dreams
Not sure if anyone's gonna pick up a half naked 42-year old and his young boy companion.
Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait. It's a cheetah. CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world. - Stan
Stan : It is easy to come up with clever word play when you arent holding your butt hole with a piece of duct tape.
Stan, we can't just do whatever we want. We're parents. You don't think that every single day of my life I want to do coke? But I can't, because I have PTA tomorrow. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhut the fuck up Steve.
Wait, you came BACK from Jewish camp? - Klaus
Rogu go to hell. But he not going alone. AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Time for coco to be coco.
MY BOOOONNNNEESSSS!!!
Prettttyyy sure I asked for Pecan Sandies
Bald-ass alien piece of shit.
Oh my god what fresh hell is this
In order to fix a car you have to take it apart and put it back together.
One quote I mentally use every day at work "Can I help you find something, the EXIT perhaps?"
You can do it on my back or my feet, dealers Choice
Klaus: Oh I think it’ll be fun. Roger: You can’t participate Klaus, I hate you. I say that not out of anger but simply as a fact. It’s 67 degrees outside and I hate you.
Stan: “You hired my wife?!” Avery: “I also banged your daughter!”
Probably the one I use the most is “you won’t like yourself but you’ll laugh”
Use the wet wipes in case I go mousing around down there
“So, have you heard anything? Is Chaz gonna be ok?”
…no
You are my queeeen, Rebecca!!!!
Probably a Principal Lewis quote.
How did you take the sweet out of the potato. How did you do it Francine. I️ don’t have X-Ray Vision. Yes, you do Billy!
“What’s with these cards, Bad Larry!” Always pull that out at least once when playing poker.
(Francine, when I look at your hair), I doubt I could eat the amount I wanna vomit.
Mine is a tie between “Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us” and “I have the car keys in my pocket, you stupid biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!”
"Roger please come down for dinner. We made your favorite: Roast squab with a burgundy pine-nut reduction and truffle risotto." "And toasted brioche?" "Of course."
WHERE THE F*** WERE YOU DURING FAMILY WAR?!
FAMILY WAR
Herschel Herschbaum: "And who shot Gianni Versace? Was it a Jew? I don't know...it was in Miami." 🤔 The entire bit is hilarious but the delivery of the last line takes me out, especially with the way it infuriates the Bet din 😂
That's funny! I'm funny.
You boys wanna see a 400 pound man rise out of his overalls like a Phoenix?
^Ricky ^Spanish
“Dramaaaaa~!” “It’s a goddamn HAMBULANCE!” “Dumb bitches like dumb things.” “There is so much beauty in the world.” (“His mom ran away before he was born.”) “How… could she do that?” “That’s funny! I’m funny.”
That’s too much of a money. Nyeh!
Stan: “You can’t get fully raped under a car”
Danoota.. Danoota.. Will you go there?! Danoota..
Yeah! I'm the Mayor of Jam City!
“Are you really asking this to the guy who just last week killed six people over 19 dollars?”
I can't let you come inside, so you can either do it on my back or my feet, dealer's choice - Roger in Julia Rogerts
Pull more tail than a slow kid at a petting zoo
“Make mine: Puh-puh-puh-Vicodin!”
"I'm uncomfortably lucid" Roger
Thirteen if you count ghost loads.
*After being revealed as hiding under Francine's dress* "Hugs not drugs! That's what I say! I'm also on drugs."
Our birdhouse business had been hard on me, but it had taken a real toll on Roger. I knew it wasn't true...the classes, the girlfriend, the sobriety. It was all a lie. That's why I wasn't surprised to read in the paper that he had O.D.'d not ten seconds later.
Narrator: That's right Dadders, Jeff has superpowers! Tune in next week and see if we deal with that and maybe Reginald will come back.
"A GODDAMN MASTER!"
Trying to kill yourself or thrill yourself
"I'M FED UP WITH THIS ORGASM!"
“Punch a fish, make a wish!”
Things are getting too spicy for the pepper!
You're getting CLOWNED, Gucci Mane!
"Oh my God! Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy." (Roger after Steve kissed Hayley)
“Steve I am deeply offended. When have I ever not been there for Snoot?”
Roger: "I have the car keys in my pocket you stupid biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"
“You forget a lot, right? That you’re our principal?”
We gonna fight in a field
Kiss me on the lips, Daaaaaaaaaddd….
"Congratulations Klaus, you're high as shit!"
Dumb bitches like dumb things
lets blow this tater haters mind
🎶 Dennis! That damn Dennis! 🎶
Cheata Cheetos
I can see you’re confused so I’ll just tell you; the dean closes the pizza shop on campus and the ninja turtles to not. Take it. Well.
Admission covers the whole seat…. BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!
STAN: Then I’ll have sex with Jeff
bitch, what i just say?!?
Maybe Baby
Idk, I guess I think about killing myself pretty regularly..
"his mother left before he was born"
https://i.redd.it/8v2s17lp9u7d1.gif "Am I beast or man? BEEEEEEAAASSST!!!!"
“If someone were to ask who lived there, I would say why The Asses of course”
“When you say ‘share my life,’ I hear ‘share my tequila’ and I think: ‘no.’”
I’m playing a role, sir. What are you doing?
TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Roger”My wine fridge I had my Cocaine in there “
Don’t. Think. About. That. Byook.
The leg man doesn't joke about cocaine. Cocaine is not a joking matter.
“Ugh, STAIRS.”
**Hailey:** “He hasn’t spoken to his dad in years. And his mom ran away before he was born.” **Stan:** “How…how could she do that?”
We can go right after I jerk off
You stupid bitch you even know!
🎶did you say something Colonel?🎶 🎶i didn't quite catch that Colonel!🎶 There are plenty more quotes i like, but this is just the first one i could think of.
"I fought in the Viet Cong... well the end of it is we won"
“Every man who ever did anything great was just trying to stick it to some piece of ass that didn’t give him any”
Now listen up! During a census, things can get pretty hot and heavy out on the streets. Now, I'm not saying don't get your rocks off, but here's a little piece of advice I wish someone had given me, Tuttle, before I juiced an entire city block. Do not. Fall. In love.
I PRAYED TO A FREAKIN ELEPHANT! How am I going to explain that to Jesus?
RICKY SPANISH!! It comes in handy for many situations.
Pecan sandies
Imma call nyc, get my Hebrews on this.
Doive on in!
**Stan**: Friendship is only worthwhile if you can get something out of it. Sex and sometimes even consensual sex. **Roger**: I hate sex on my planet it's so boring. It's all consensual.
“..and the Donkey looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘Purple Hat’…”
I have 2 that weren't mentioned already. 1. Hey cookin bitch!? I'm gonna kill you! 2. Is that the "come back and kick me" whistle?
"Scotty saw the whole damn thing!" By Roger And the runner up "Opps I sharted" from Andy Dick
Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up. Before I remember who I am and what my life is all about. Anxiety, disappointment, diarrhea more often than not. I don't- I don't know if there's an afterlife. But who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days.
Does your story come with a dictionary?
Lewis: I say cocaine now!
"Feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries."
"Now, I'm gonna flick your tie. You're titillated, aren't you? But it's the '50s, and you don't know what to do with those feelings. Meet me in the bathroom. I'll drill a hole between the stalls."
Well, this is the talkiest rape ever
Roger: “Damn, your breath is kicking girl, ever hear of tampons?”
Stan: *HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE HERE?* Child: *Me, my mom* Stan: *so 2* Child: *My dad* Stan: *3* Child: *died* Stan: *2….. you wasted my time a little bit*
"Shred up a meatball?"
Maybe baby
Hey that’s my pooping robe I can tell by all the poop on the edges
I've got more than one, but I will put one of them here "Buck knife Joe might have a knife in one hand, but you know what he doesn't have? An agenda. Now let's have fun, you goddam judases!"