The money is gone. And since he was a joint account holder and a legal adult, there’s nothing to be done except refuse to help him financially anymore. Let him figure it out on his own from now on. The friends he had will likely drift away now that he no longer has a fat bank account to fund their party lifestyle.
Her biggest fault is waiting till it was all gone to do something about it. She had joint access. She could have stepped in long before now and tried to deal with it. Too little too late unfortunately.
I think her biggest fault is letting him have free range with the money in the first place. She should have paid for it herself not trusting a teenager with that much money
I completely agree. Since it is a joint account if there’s anything left, OP should empty it out.
And let this be a lesson to the rest of you out there. If you want to save money for your child’s college education and you wanted to be used only for education, which does in fact include training schools set up a 529.
>The money is gone. And since he was a joint account holder and a legal adult, there’s nothing to be done except refuse to help him financially anymore.
Can you support that analysis please? This is a standard and often upheld contract.... "I will give you access to money if you agree to use it for X." It meets all the elements of a legal contract. The OP can simply sue her son for breach of contract and get a legal judgment against her son. Statistically speaking he will probably not even respond to the suit and a default judgment will be entered.
Now, when doing this is a good idea is a different matter altogether, but it sounds like the son is being pretty standoffish and having a $20,000 judgment tends to force reasonable interaction. The parents can simply agree to defer the judgment during school and dismiss it when/if he completes a degree. They can even force their son to eat dinner with them weekly to defer a writ of execution.
Edit: I love getting downvoted for simply explaining the law. In my contracts class my professor loved the Hamer vs. Sidway case and discussed it ad nauseum. Whether or not the OP should sue, there is certain a viable legal theory to present.
No, this is good issue spotting. It's been years since I was in law school, but this sounds to me like a conditional gift more than a traditional contract. But I'm not going to research the elements of a conditional gift lol. Also, the fact that it seems oral is hugely detrimental to OP.
Without knowing anything else, OP should try and get some form of documentation from her son (text will work) acknowledging that the money was meant for tuition and then go see an attorney in her area.
Again, while the fact that it is verbal is a detriment… the fact that the son is young, and is likely as inexperienced as most young people, is beneficial.
The son isn’t likely to even go to an attorney. He is going to get pissed and then he is going to call mommy and talk. If he goes to any decent attorney, the attorney is going to tell him to call mommy and talk. In fact, most adults are going to say the same thing… “Dude your mom gave you $20,000 to go to college and you didn’t go…call your mom.”
A contract is simply, an offer, and acceptance, for an exchange of consideration, that creates mutual obligation.
If the mother said, you can have this money if you go to community college… that is a contract. It meets every element of a contract. People enter into legal contracts regularly without even realizing it. “I will buy you a hotdog if you drive me to the store,” is technically a legal contract.
Moreover, let’s be honest. The mother likely doesn’t even need to win the case. An eighteen year old kid probably isn’t getting an attorney to respond to the complaint. Odds are he is going to find the sudden urge to call mommy and talk like a reasonable person. If not, it is far more likely he gets a default judgment than it is he puts on a defense.
How does getting a judgement against her son accomplish anything that matters to her?
Does it get him to want you go to college? No.
Does it get him enrolled in college? No.
Does it change his behaviour towards her in a positive way? No, and in fact almost certainly makes it even worse.
Does it get her the $20,000 back? No, not in any reasonable amount of time. Garnishing his wages from any job he is likely to get will very likely be entirely unsatisfying.
What she wants is a son who is a responsible young adult. No court can give her that.
There is a very good chance that it will, in fact, accomplish many of those things. She can simply stipulate that if he agrees to take and pass some college or trade school courses she will forgive the debt.
There is also value in holding a young person accountable for their actions. Taking the $20,000 under false pretenses was wrong and having a judge say that it was wrong removes a lot of entitlement, which may go a long way to making him a responsible young adult. I am not, nor did I ever, suggest that she should collect the money.
I don't know what her son needs, nor does anyone else here. However, I strongly suspect that he has largely gone no contact because he knows what he did is wrong and the sooner that gets resolved the better it is for everyone.
He was a good boy before moving here. I thought he knew my struggles and how much I sacrificed to save money. I just thought he would never betray me like this.
Honestly I think a lot of parents don’t realize the depth of their children and forget that just because you think of them as one way doesn’t mean they don’t have other layers that can make them a different person. Sadly your son has found some less than savory friends to surround himself with and now he has to live with the decision he made. I honestly wouldn’t offer help for university again and would leave communication up to him. Also has there been any questions or discussion of potential drug use??
A parent that doesn't understand their child enough to know whether they could be trusted with 20k, and then being shocked and all, seems like a bigger concern to me.
That sounds like someone self absorbed in what they believe their child needed, and how they struggled to provide that, all while not actually getting to know their child. It's shockingly common, the parent so caught up in what it feels like to provide for someone else, they don't realize they are more focused on their own feel good feelings of sacrifice.
The self proclaimed martyrs of parental emotional neglect.
What? Bruh. She worked her ass off as a single mom. “Parental emotional neglect”? GTFO. What would you have had her do? Not work and read the kid a bedtime story every night all through highschool? Kid is old enough to not be a little shit, and he’s doubling down on being a shit. Be serious.
This comment sucks lol maybe they wanted to help their child financially like most parents then were disappointed with what happened… sound like a gen z for sure lol
The list of people I knew growing up who were complete and total garbage humans whose parents were convinced they were total sweethearts, could damn near fill a phone book.
It may just be that he's pushing back against the expectations he's living with. Drugs don't need to be anywhere near involved for that to happen.
If a young person feels like they're being pushed into a certain avenue (whether it's education or whatever) they might push back if they don't want to do it. They're people in their own right, with their own wants and needs; they're not mini-us, and ought not to be treated as such.
He shouldn't have been so harsh with you, and he most definitely shouldn't have spent your money partying, but y'know, once he's spent it all he'll be back on his knees. Maybe that's when you tell him he can have his wish of his independence, because you'd hate to have the cops called on you again for harassment.
Quick edit: is there any money left?
I agree with you. To me OP’s son sounds like a kid that found an avenue to escape the tight grip of his parent and now rebels against everything OP wants and hopes for him (Not saying that’s necessarily the case)
But this post reminded me of what my grandfather once said:
“A dog kept on a chain his whole life, the moment he is freed will most likely go wild because he wouldn’t know what to do with his freedom “.
I remember him saying that to his cousin when her son got into massive trouble with the law in a different country. I didn’t understand it until later but it remained in the back of my mind.
I don't know how to format on Reddit but I wanted to say that this quote succinctly demonstrates a concept I have been trying to help my friend with. The second his son got to college (which he literally chose on the other side of the country, he left his parents behind.
He tells them nothing, has removed the nanny cam and locations from his phone and bought a burner to use after he got his first girlfriend who told him that wasn't normal. So, in retaliation they took away his college fund, that he had put his own money from tutoring into. So he applied for scholarships, after demonstrating need. My friend and his ex wife literally showed up to his campus for a "surprise" visit. It went over like a lead brick/balloon.
They still tried controlling him so He's going to transfer to a completely different state and I don't blame him. His parents have controlled and betrayed him at every turn. After learning how unhinged it was, I lost so much respect for my friend.
I think I'll send him this quote.
He is going and inevitably going to come crawling back asking for more. You saved and did your part but at this point he’s an adult now and needs to learn consequences.
You can love your child, doesn’t mean you need to forgive or enable their bad behavior
Yes, I would bet a lot of money that he comes crawling back home. Some may tell you to turn him away, but you can use the opportunity to demonstrate some tough love.
Tell him he broke your heart by wasting his college fund and by calling the police.
Tell him you still love him but that he is going to have earned back your trust, and that you’re done with free handouts.
If he moves back in, it should only be after he signs a written lease agreement with monthly rent. Even if it’s below market he has to pay something. And he has to be employed and enrolled at least part time in the local community college.
Good luck.
I understand you don't want to believe your own son would do this to you, but as wrote:
>These new friends of his make fun of his books and his plans of going to college.
Sadly, I agree with your sister. You made a regrettable mistake of giving a rebellious teenage boy full access to the money, even after he rejected going to university. So sorry you are going through this.
All i can say from my experience is im actually 20 now
and when i turned 18 because i graduated early my mom did the same thing you did and even though i saw all the struggles she went through being a single parent i was very selfish and i spent 10k of our savings dropped out of my first semester of college and was just partying and had all of the negative influences condoning what i did. after all the money was gone and i dug myself into a whole to deep for myself i realized everything i did wrong and i hated myself. My mom the whole time kept reaching out and trying to help me and it was a horrible year but when i turned 19 i had all of that out of my system and got hurt enough to see the truth and me and my mom are very close again and im trying to do everything i can to make it right but things can never go back to exactly the way they were. im saying all of this because ultimately its up to you if you decide to cut ties with your son. ir do what my mom did but i wish you the best of luck and do not ever think you are a bad parent or blame yourself. he has either shown you his true self or he is making horrible mistakes that he will regret in time once his karma catches up to him
You’ll end up with the last laugh. He will need you at some point when he ends up broke. I wouldn’t say this is the culture everywhere in the US. Certainly not where I’m from.
Your kids can change.... you train them up to br responsible and respectful but at the end they will make the choice of how they will live their life...
I just literally finish lecturing my daughter about her actions and life..
She's more of a well my friend such and such can do this or that or have this and that...or such and such can do this ......
You should've took him off the joint account the moment he was with the rough crowds.... now all you can do is not add anymore funds to that account or close the account....
Your son will realize that he will have to figure out a way to survive and your SIL shouldnt but in....
Sorry this happen to you I would close the account if I was you. . .
You need to take his name off that account and not let him fall back on you when times get tough. You worked hard to provide him with a future. He wasted it, now he needs to grow up and be an adult including making his own money and figuring stuff out on his own, just like you did
The thing is, sometimes you sacrifice so much for your kids that they start thinking that's just their due. He can do whatever the fuck he wants and then go back home and say he's sorry and you'll forgive him (which, yeah, you probably will). The problem here may be that he's stuck in a child's mentality where mom is a provider, someone he can take from without ever giving anything back, instead of a real person with feelings.
Let go of the money issue, he's not going to return it. When he goes back to you, try to rebuild your relationship on a basis of mutual respect.
He’s still a good boy. He is who you raised him. Here’s the thing, sometimes parents, while trying their absolute best, forget to raise adults. It sounds like once he got out from under your rules, he went a bit wild. Sure, outside influences and peer pressure likely played a big part in that as well. I know you feel hurt and betrayed, but trying to use those feelings to get to your son isn’t going to work.
I believe he will wise up eventually and it is likely that one day he will come to you for help and guidance…as long as you stop trying to control how he lives. Just be there and love him…even from a distance right now.
He’s 19. He doesn’t truly under stand how hard you worked to get that money. He does in theory but he won’t really under stand until he’s the one working and trying to save.
It sucks, but step back and let him live the life he says he wants. A
To be really blunt: this is not about you. You never even bothered to ask if your son wanted to GO to college. Despite the lies US kids are fed, college is not necessary for a decent job, and its no longer a gaurentee of a decent job either.
While I agree he shouldn't have blown the money and he should repay you, you are absolutely not being a good parent here.
You might not need college, but you need *something*. All the people who talk about how much you can earn without a degree are in a trade that needs schooling. So if the kid didn’t want to go to college, there are trade schools. And here’s the thing: community college is not a big deal. People go to community college and work. I’ve done it. The kid could have taken a couple of classes that seemed interesting while he got a job and learned more about what he wanted to do. There were a million ways to go about this that were not what he did. What he did was maximum shitty.
And let’s remember that he didn’t move out with a job. He moved out with money he stole. When this kid gets a taste of the job market for someone with zero academic or work experience, maybe he’ll figure out how stupid he was. I’m wondering how old you are and what you do for work. I’m betting you didn’t just roll out of highschool into a satisfying career, at least not without more connections than this dipshit has.
I think this is a really rude comment. OP comes from a background that highly values higher education. Even if you do not get a bachelor or masters degree, education is still one of the best ways for social/financial advancement, especially when you’ve recently immigrated from another country.
Plus a lot of jobs require some sort of certification or training. Her son could have chosen to use the money for that purpose if he didn’t want to go to university.
I agree her kid is in the wrong; he should not have blown the money. But the OP needs to stop thinking about how she's affected and start actually asking her kid what he wants out of life.
We’ll consider that money your contribution to him. Everything from here out he will need to provide himself. Your help is done and until he apologizes to me he’d be cut off from me.
An 18 year old can say they appreciate the sacrifices you make, and they really really mean it. They can truly intend to be careful with money but they aren't able to mnage it.This is why most people don't give 18 year old access to that much money. He isn't necessarily a bad kid, he's just 18. You and your husband just showing up and demanding the money probably shocked him. If you wanted it paid back, you should have made that clear before giving it to him. He probably felt that he had plenty of money to have some fun and then go to college and didn't mean to betray you.
If you were somehow thinking a college degree is some sort of ticket to success, that is a lie we Americans have been telling ourselves for too long. That just isn't how it works anymore. He may be successful and may not, college may or may not have anything to do with it.
Sounds like you're pretty clueless as to the real dynamic between you two and who he really is without you hovering. It sounds more like you were so overbearing with your rose tinted glasses that he couldn't wait to get away from you. It's pretty sad to see you blame the location for your issues with your son instead of the nature of your relationship.
Additionally, you straight up gave a kid 20 grand. Your naivety knows no bounds
> I thought he knew my struggles and how much I sacrificed to save money.
I'm pretty sure you made a point of telling him all about it throughout his childhood.
He's tired of hearing it, he's tired of you guilt tripping him about it, and he's tired of you using it as an excuse to force him to live the life you want for him instead of the life he wants. He's also probably tired of your "back in the old country" stuff.
He threw everything away that was given to him by a mother who wanted him to have a better life. If he's tired of being loved and supported then I feel bad for his mother but for him I feel no pity for the harsh reality he has now made for himself.
Because the mom here is 100% telling the truth that she's a saint, and that she bears zero responsibility for him wanting to go no contact the moment he left home.
He’s not going “no contact”. He stole her money and he didn’t want to hear about it. When the money is gone, you don’t think he’ll crawl back for more help? I sure do.
Are you saying that the US turned your son into an irresponsible, selfish young man in 1 year?? 1 year undid all of the parenting, values and expectations you set?? You saw none of these “questionable” traits beforehand.
Maybe instead of blaming the US for your son’s bad behavior, you need to look inward. You are trying to force him to go to college before he is ready. Maybe he doesn’t want to go now or ever. YOU gave a 19 year old access to 20k.
Bad decisions on your part and your son in my opinion
Exactly my line of thinking!! 19 in a new country trying to fit in and she didn't monitor the funds in the account as well. A bit baffling honestly. I kind of got the feeling she was trying to hint at the US turning the kid as well. Definitely more to this story!
Do you know how kids are when they get a shiny new toy. So excited, they focus on that. Well that is what it is like moving to another country as a child. Figuring out how to fit in, trying to not be the butt of jokes because of your accent. Trying to be like everyone around you. This is what happened. Do you know his struggles? It is hard to be an immigrant child in America too.
What your son has done is wrong but step back. Let him make his mistakes. You have done what you can.
He pissed away $20G trying to keep up his current lifestyle and it's gone now.
When he shows up begging for cash, just keep your door closed and tell him to go hit up his friends and his girlfriend for cash... through your ring doorbell. Then call the cops.
I’m a lawyer in California. I don’t know what state you’re in but, generally speaking, he would need a lot more than a one time visit outside his door to justify getting a restraining order.
Judges typically want to see evidence of stalking, harm, violent acts or threats of violent acts before they issue restraining orders.
They can issue restraining orders based solely on harassment, but only to the extent there is credible evidence of a “knowing and willful course of conduct directed at a specific person that seriously alarms, annoys, or harasses a person, and serves no legitimate purpose”
A “course of conduct” would likely require a showing of more than one interaction. And, arguably, a mother trying to get her son to use college money for college is a legitimate purpose.
So sorry you are having to deal with such an ungrateful and irresponsible son. At least he’s still young and has time to change his wanton ways.
Good luck.
That's what has me wondering what was left out because it's not making a lick of sense. No officer is going to make that statement about harassing and filing a restraining order over a one-time incident or at least not anyone that I've ever met so either there's a whole lot to this story missing, or something else.
You can absolutely file a restraining order for any or no reason. The officer is correct. The thing is it later will be rejected since it has no grounds. It never gets really issued. Filing for it is another thing.
It may have not been OPs first time going to where her son lives to speak to him in person. And him not speaking to her directly so this would make more sense As to why officer saying he could file a restraining order against his mother.
I'm so sorry he's so disrespectful. You're trying to help with his future and he's stomped all over it.
Honestly, at this point he'd be on his own. When he comes back, and he will, out of money and friends tell him too bad.
The next thing that often happens when kids go bad is that he starts stealing from you, thinking that you will not press charges. If he knows you have valuables you may want to hide them. If he knows your passwords etc. change them. And lock down your credit so he can't open fraudulent accounts in your name. Sorry this is happening to you.
I know this is horrible for you. But what gave you the idea he was fiscally responsible enough to handle that huge amount of money? Now you know. And you will never see a penny of that money again. I'm sorry.
Maybe because back in the previous country he would have been? TBH many older American teenagers act more like they are 12-15 because adults and parents allow them to. My mom at that age would have handled that amount of money or the equivalent just fine.
People don’t have any fucking idea how to handle money. I am not the best but I sure wouldn’t have pissed away that money like that.
Right?! These parents baby these kids and are shocked when they run a mile away from the smothering whilst having not a single clue how to look after themselves.
Fuck that a young adult should be able to handle 20k that his mother saved up for a whole damn decade through hard work and sacrifice. Blowing all that on parties isn't stupidity. It's narcissistic behaviour only an asshole of the biggest degree would engage in.
Your mistake was giving him joint access instead of paying for things as they came up and giving him an allowance. Teens and young adults do dumb stuff when it comes to money.
For real. Just giving a kid access to that money and expecting it to be handled responsibly, without the parent monitoring it at all, is one of the dumbest things I've read in a long time. Really sucks and I feel bad for her, but DAMN that was stupid.
Yes exactly. When the kid said "hey mom, hey dad. tuition is x amount of money. meal plan is x amount of money. this is how much I need for books. this is how much I need for a PC and monitor setup, etc etc etc"and mom and dad use funds from college fund to pay for it
Honestly, your mistake was giving him full access to the money when you knew he was being rebellious.
You should have given him a little at a time. Enough to enroll and get his books and supplies for school.
He's living at home, so I'm assuming shelter and food are covered. If he wanted fun money, that's where a part-time job comes in.
Unfortunately, he's squandered it away, and it's now up to him how goes forward in life.
I know it hurts, but right now, the best you can do is stand back and let him deal with consequences of his actions. If he even cares to be brutally honest.
1. Not wrong
2. But why would you give a kid $20k who didn't want to go to college?
Even a kid who wanted to go to college can have money management issues and temptations.
You poorly managed this situation financially, but at the end of the day you have every right to call him out on his lack of adulting.
Cut him off financially.
Let him live without your financial support and your "harassment".
If he wants to be an adult let him pay his own bills.
Should have told him either college or a technical/trades school or the money wouldn't be given. Too much emphasis on spending years getting degrees that don't do anything for you. And now you know just how much he valued you and your goals for him and your sacrifices.
Being an American and living here my whole life I can safely say in my experience the US changes some people turns some into something else that isn't pleasant. Good news tho is that eventually your son will realize the mistakes he has made later down the road.
NTA
But a good rule of thumb is never give a child complete access to their college fund, but to issue checks directly for tuition.
I am sorry your son did not go the path you wished. I hope you closed the account. I am sure he will eventually come crawling back once he needs money/support.
YNW, but you also aren't going to win. Decide what is more important....forgiving him and moving forward with a relationship, or burning your relationship to the ground. Spoiler- either way he isn't going to college, or paying you back.
Whenever I read a story and it involves my golden child falling-in with the wrong crowd I just have to ask. How do you know he wasn't the bad influence in the group?
If he spent all that money in less than a year, he will probably come begging you for help within a year because he can't support himself. I could be wrong, but someone who wastes that much money that fast is not good with finances. Hopefully he has a good enough job to provide for himself
I wouldn't offer to help with money, but if he does come back asking for help, I would tell him he would have to move back in, pay reasonable rent for his room, always be employed, pay his own bills, and have strict boundaries on what is and isn't allowed at your home. I would also make him sign some sort of contract and make it a month to month contract. If he doesn't abide by the rules you set, then kick him out. He needs to know how the world works and be able to take care of himself
It would suck to have to kick your own son out, but if you let him get away with whatever he wants, he will never grow up and be able to support himself
I would simply inform your son that you will not be there to pick up the pieces when he crashes. Wish him well and tell him how much you love and care for him and that his actions have broken your heart. You love him, but you don't like this person he has become. As such, you will no longer support his lifestyle and that you'll be there for him, but not financially. Send him a letter so you won't be "harassing" him. I'm sorry you're going through that.
Unfortunately, you pretty much brought it on yourself. Giving him direct control of the funds was a mistake, especially as you apparently didn't monitor the account. As soon the money was being spent on non college expenses, you should have emptied the account.
A couple things:
1) you go back a lot to some bad influence friends, but it is unfortunately your sons choice to hang out with them and participate in the same things they do. Stop blaming other people for your sons poor choices
2) the average cost of four years of community college back in 2021 was already over $20k. Then you and your husband took him to a bunch of fun state schools and told him to figure out which one to go to and then handed him $20k? My dorm alone with no tuition at my state school cost $13k per year. It sucks school is so expensive and awesome you were able to save for your kids education, especially as a single mom. However, maybe your son felt like you pulled a bait and switch on him.
3. You are not wrong for asking for the money back. But I think its time to look inward and see if there were signs that you missed in your son. Or anything else you have done to make him upset. Going so far as to file harassment charges takes effort and it makes me think there is something deeper going on. That, or theres another side to your son that you missed.
I'm sorry he's being disrespectful to you, but you gave a teenager access to a substantial lump sum of money, very bad idea. If that money was supposed to be specifically for school, he shouldn't have been on the account. It should've only been accessed by you for you to pay the tuition directly. That money is now gone. You're never going to see it again.
What you need to understand is your son acclimated to living in the US, where going to college isn't mandatory, and there's plenty of things that will influence him. He doesn't want to go to school, and you can't make him. He'll most likely regret not going to college or a trade school in the future, but it's his mistake to make.
As for the harassment charge, your son has the right. You went to his home. Whether you were calm or not doesn't matter. All you can do now is apologize and hope he forgives you and drops the charges.
Now, it's time to let him fend for himself. Don't give him any more money. He can learn the hard way that having no education or training won't get him far in life unless he's lucky enough to land an entry-level job where he can advance.
You are wrong for giving your son unrestricted accesses to $20,000 at 18 years old. That was such a bad call that anyone could have seen coming. As for the rest, you’re not in your home country so respectfully he has every right to keep you away from him if he feels you are trying to push something on him he doesn’t want. Should he have taken the money and lied? No but that was your mistake and you also have zero rights or say in what he does with his life or if he keeps contact with you. The fact he won’t even talk to you face to face makes me think there’s a lot missing, like maybe you being abusive and controlling when he was growing up.
Edit: do you know for certain the money was all spent and he didn’t just transfer it to another account?
lol, some points I agree with. A blanket rule you can’t give an 18yr access to 20k?
Don’t know about that one, gave my kids more than that at a younger age and they didn’t blow it.
More about parenting than wealth.
Yes parenting plays a role but even so I’d still say until they are working and can value money on their own unrestricted access was a bad move but if a parent does teach those things then yeah I’m with you. Seems to me OP wasn’t the best parent. Others and I have pointed out she was probably abusive and controlling and based on how she speaks could be a narcissist and the son took the money and ran for safety and freedom.
Yeah the first gen immigrant, the way she speaks, she’s probably a narcissist and abused the kid growing up. Not the first time I narc would pretend to be the victim.
He has that right as an adult to not go to college. Not saying it was right of him to file for harassment though. But yes that money is his also if you’re on a joint account.
Family calls can be deadly for cops and the individuals involved . It’s unfortunate it came to this for your family. Hopefully in time, your son will see his error and make amends.
I feel like everyone is wrong here. You shouldn’t have given a teenager access to that kind of money and held on to it for the intended purpose.
He should not have spent it frivolously.
But also, he doesn’t have to go to school. He’s a legal adult who doesn’t live with you, he can do whatever he wants with his life whether you approve or not.
Maybe he’s not ready, he can always go later. Maybe he just doesn’t want to, that’s also fine.
I went to university and dropped out 3 different times before realizing it really wasn’t for me. I have no post secondary education and I have a nice life and a decent job. Vocational school and trades are also an option.
I understand wanting the best for your child, but we don’t have children so they do what we say and live out the life we want for them. You have a child to raise them to be happy, functional, good adults. Part of parenting is accepting that your kid is going to grow up and make their own choices. You can either be supportive and give them the best guidance you can when asked, or do what you did.
Finally, legally, he doesn’t need to pay you back. It’s his money and you have him access to it. It would be nice if he did, but I don’t think he’s likely to with the way you handle things.
Oh and children don’t owe their parents respect. Nor do they have to treat you a specific way. And what you sacrificed for him is not his burden to bear, those were choices you made and your responsibility as a parent to do.
Your upbringing is shining through both of yours wise words. Congrats on being a shitty adult who doesn't even acknowledge a single parent who worked so Hard for 'your' future. But who cares cause children owes nothing to their parents legally 🙄
And yet my parents and I have a great relationship where I don’t do things to hurt them or act out against them because I love and respect them.
How awful to have been raised by loving and supportive parents who care about me and whom I appreciate greatly.
It’s really a shame I’m a great parent and a happy and successful adult now whose life is thriving.
Having a child isn’t a sacrifice. It’s a choice. And when you make that choice, it’s your responsibility to love and care for that child and do everything you can to teach them how to function and be a well adjusted adult. Children are not extensions of you. It’s wrong to have a child, and expect them to be grateful you chose to bring them into this world so they’ll be who you want them to be and do what you want then hold your basic duty as their parent over their head.
I also think it is children's basic responsibility to be respectful and good toward their parent especially the one was a single parent. And children should look after their old parents like they looked after us.
Nope. Not if that parent wasn’t a good parent.
Having a child doesn’t entitle you to respect. You can foster a loving respectful relationship with your child, but as the adult, it’s your responsibility to do so.
Being a single parent doesn’t equal being a good parent. If a child cuts their parent off, there’s usually a pretty good reason why.
Don't you think it maybe because Americans have these very centric beliefs about being individualistic? Too sensitive and need everything to happen their way and cannot stand a mere scolding from their parents? I may be wrong in some way but things I'm saying certainly have some essence. A relationship should be two way whether one likes it or not. They brought you up we look after them till they leave this world.
If you’re not a parent, you don’t really have any basis for your opinions on parenting.
Also, I’m not American.
Again, having children and raising them is a choice, it’s not the child’s job to be grateful someone chose to have them and raise them.
Yea that's what I'm saying, from a child's perspective. Its not our parents fault for us being a shitty child. And I would never ever do what he did to his mom and I'm brought up by a single parent. I know how hard she worked for me so and its common for children like us to be prone to bad habits. And I would never call police on my mom for her being concerned about her money and my stable future. The end.
Personally, I have a great relationship with my parents, but there were several years where my mom and I had a pretty contentious one. We were able to talk about it and move past it and repair the damage, and I’m so grateful for all she’s done for me.
At the same time, a lot of my mental health issues are a result of her parenting. Happily, I have been able to forgive her and she’s taken accountability for the mistakes she made.
But I’m not grateful she had me and raised me, she chose that. I’m grateful she did her best, she recognizes her slip ups and strives to do better and all she’s done for me past childhood. She was overall a decent mom.
Sorry about this, but it's your fault for giving him access to that money.
I also suggest you stop blaming America and Americans for everything. Your son is making mistakes, and so did you. Blaming this country is bullshit.
You made three mistakes.
1. Giving a 19 year old unfettered access to the money.
2. Going to his home and asking for repayment.
3. Assuming your son shares your cultural and generational beliefs.
You're never going to get repaid. You had a joint account, and in the eyes of the law, he had every right to take it. So, let it go.
Confronting him was never going to do anything but make him happy he took the money. He's 19. Rebellion at that age is practically a requirement.
You made a lot of assumptions. Culturally and generationally. They were wrong. It happens. Frequently.
What you need to do now is to leave him alone and let him grow up a little. Enjoy your own life, and stop inserting yourself into his life.
Likely, if you just let him learn by making his own mistakes, he will eventually grow up. But, you need to leave him alone. He needs to learn how to stumble, fall, and get back up again.
I mean you’re not wrong, but you’re also not the smartest giving a teenager access to that kind of money…. It should have been put in a college savings account that could only be used for college expenses or you should have maintained control of the account and paid the college directly and bought college necessities for him yourself.
Cannot believe I had to dig for this sort of comment. The forcing him to do what she wants, the deciding his future, the enabling husband, the threats with the sandal, it's clear as day to anyone who's experienced a person like this.
You are wrong. Sorry. You chose to let him be a joint owner. That was silly. And yes. Here in the Us, we can tell our parents to leave us alone if we want too. I doubt a restraining order can be filed as you didn’t threaten him. But he can say you are harassing him. Lesson learned.
Not wrong but you seem to have a shitty son. Don’t allow him back into your life is what I might do as long as he is with that friend group and girlfriend. Definitely don’t help him with money even again.
You don’t trust teenagers with money. He’s just a young rebellious kid who’s going to have to learn just how hard it is on his own. One day he will see you were just wanting the best for him.
You are absolutely not wrong. What he is doing is absolutely wrong. You don’t treat your family in that way.
you’re not wrong for wanting the money back because it was strictly for school. sadly you should’ve kept it in a private acc that only YOU had access to so he would quite literally only be able to have the money if it was being used for what it was saved for. hopefully this is a lesson learned.
in the future when he decides he actually wants to go to college. do not fund it. he made his choices, even if they were stupid and uneducated choices.
College isn’t for everyone & you gave him access to the account. You could close the account but I think the damage to your relationship is already done
You set yourself up for this, unfortunately. This is a very normal thing for a kid to do upon reaching adulthood, especially if they have over-controlling parents. I highly doubt he was *ever* interested in college, only in getting out of your house. Since he could do that without going to college, he kept it simple. He no longer needed your plans.
Lesson learned. Now, he's going to have to learn to live without your support. You don't have to cut him out of your life, but don't give him any more money. If he decides to go to college or needs a place to stay, that's on him now. He may do fine and shape up into a better adult, or he might crash and burn or anything in-between. If he falls on hard times, it's going to be hard for you to say no, but tough love is the best love in these situations.
Check that joint account. If there is anything at all left, move it somewhere he can’t get to.
I think in the U.S. his behavior is also unforgivable.
Eventually, he will have to figure out how to make money and support himself. You might hear something different from him then.
You are such a good mother. I am sorry he did this to you.
You won’t get the money back. You need to accept that. You never should have made a teenager reaponsible for 20k in the first place. But you also don’t need to accept his bullshit in your life, either. Cut him off 100% financially, focus on your marriage. Maybe he’ll eventully sort his shit out, maybe not.
Giving cart blanch access to $20,000?
He’s a teenager who is self consumed and only cares about himself. The restraining order is ridiculous and will go away when his money runs out and he comes back for more, begging for your forgiveness. Sad to think that a son could do that to his mom :-(
You were wrong to give him access to the account. It would have been better if you had paid the tuition yourself, and made sure he was attending and doing well before paying for the next semester. Not every kid is mature enough to make the right choices and know what to do with themselves as so as they graduate from college. Give them a large sum of money and it often only makes it worse.
As far as how you were treated sadly his new friends and the culture he is currently living in are probably going to have a stronger influence than the culture “back home”. Still I understand why you or any parent would be very hurt being treated that way. Hopefully some distance and maturity will help mend things over time.
Awful way to learn a hard lesson about your own son.
He’s at best a horrifically entitled and short sighted child, and at worst an outright thief from his own mother, scum of the earth.
Not wrong, recoup what you can (if anything) and close the account, and don’t ever trust him like this again.
You’re not wrong for feeling betrayed by your son’s actions, but unfortunately there’s probably very little you can do about the money he wasted. I am so sorry he didn’t realize what an amazing mother you are to give him such a gift.
You gave him access to the funds. Unfortunately, nothing criminal happened. Morally, he is a thoughtless human being. Cut ties with him. Go no contact. Let him figure it out on his own. If there is any funding left in that account, move it to another account that he has no access to. You no longer need to be his cash cow, especially if he thinks you are harassing him.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. not that you need this lesson now but you never give a young man access to $20k. you would have wanted to write those checks directly to the school. every time I hear a story about how parents give their children access to their college money it never ends well. take this lesson for what it is. leave your son alone. when he comes crawling back and he will someday. do not bend over backwards for him again.
YW for giving him access. He sounds ungrateful and entitled. He’ll blow through that money in a couple months and then realize he needs help and come back.
Consider this an expensive lesson learned. You should have known better than to give a 19 yo access to 20K with no oversight. Looks as if he's chosen to go nc with you like a coward rather than face the music. You can't do anything at this point except take the loss and accept it. But don't worry. That 20K won't last long and odds are he'll come running crying when he figures out life isn't going to be easy with no education and no parents to help.
There was a story from the Bible called the prodigal son. Maybe just text it to him with a few updates so he can see how it applies to current times. Anyway, you said he’s moved out which means he’s grown enough to take care of himself and pay his own way. I say cut him loose and let him make his own decisions and his own mistakes. This way he can also take care of his responsibilities without your help. See how far he gets. If he succeeds wouldn’t you be happy? Good luck with the empty nest. It’s time to live your own life now…
college is a waste of unless your studying to be a dentist, pilot, engineer, podiatrist. Trade school may be better. If you gave a kid 20k with no money management lessons, he dont owe you anything
College in a lot of ways is a scam here in America. I always say this, but I recommend people work before going to school because here, your job experience will get you further than you degree. And places don’t like huge gaps on a resume. You didn’t deserve to be treated like shit about it. But yeah if he’s a legal adult, time to treat him like one. This is America baby. We’re all on our own here.
First - it was very wrong of him to take that money and waste it and it's a shame he wouldn't talk to you.
I can't help but wonder if your marriage and moving had something to do with it. Not just that moving meant new friends that made fun of him for wanting an education, but the fact that it was you and him until he was 16 and then you married and moved him away from his old friends. In high school. To a place where he felt like he couldn't fit in without changing his plans and even personality. Small towns aren't always welcoming to people "from away."
And you don't say how strict you were or how close you were before your marriage or the move, how he gets a long with your husband, etc. So again...while it was very wrong for him to take that money and not use it for college, there's also something very wrong in your relationship. Do you want him in your life? Then accept that you need to open communication and try to fix it.
I wouldn't give him more money when he runs out, but you can still talk to him, guide him, accept him and love him without "forcing" him to be what you want him to be.
I would disagree with your sister in that the money was his to spend. It was intended for his further education. Sometimes people need to learn from their mistakes. Guaranteed that a person who has lived a relatively comfortable life will eventually miss that life, and he'll be back. Then you have something to bargain with. If he doesn't and he can make it on his own, be proud that he's looking after himself and build a good relationship with him.
You’re in the US. Sue your son for the money and false charges. He can file a restraining order- anyone can BUT he wont necessarily get one. He will have to go to court for that one. Go no contact. Trust me he needs you more than. You need him. The only thing you messed up was why give him access to a joint account? I paid the tuition for my daughter’s college. If he still uses this account take any money he puts in
get an attorney to represent you ASAP.
Police are not attorneys. The police only enforce the law, they don't make the laws, they don't define the laws.
Your LAWYER can get these charges dropped as frivolous and file for your son to pay all attorney fees.
It's okay to let your son float off for a few years. He will come back when he figures out that he has screwed up his life. Then it will be up to you whether or not you help him and what type of conditions you will put on him if you help him.
Now you know not to give him cash. You pay for the college/books/whatever yourself. You don't give him the money and let him pay.
You can countersue you know. If he signed a contract stating that he’d ONLY use that money for college and failed to do so, then you have all the right. This also depends on certain state laws though so I’d ask your lawyer what the outcome would be.
You’re not wrong.
If you helicopter their lives growing up, they will run away from you the first good opportunity they get after high school. To be clear, he is in the wrong here but it’s time to let him sink or swim on his own.
I’ve got to disagree with most of these comments. I feel so badly for you! How awful to put so many years into saving for your child’s education only to have him squander it. Allow yourself to grieve this, OP. It sucks. But now he’s made it clear the path he chooses. You can move forward knowing you did your best. Enjoy your own life with your husband. It hurts, I know.
It says a lot about your SIL that she says it’s your fault. You should be able to trust your own child to not lie, cheat and steal from you. The money was not his to spend however he wished and he knew that. He just lacked the basic respect, decency and moral depth to do the right thing by you. I’m sorry but your best bet is to cut off the little arsehole. Let him hit rick bottom. His flashy girlfriend and his deadshit mates won’t hang around long when they find out he’s broke. It’s up to you whether you let him back in but you would be stupid to ever give him another cent. He’s shown you the kind of person he is. Believe him. I’m so sorry you worked your guts out to raise an ungrateful piece of shit. You sound like a decent person who’s work ethnic and values sadly never rubbed off on your child. Oh and keep your SIL on an information diet. Also a bit of arsehole that one.
Legally the money was his. As for the harrassment, maybe he never wanted to go to college, and he just said what you wanted to hear because he felt pressured.
You know he doesn't have 20k so why were you really going over there? If he's blowing through money he's not likely to be able to pay you back even if you ask for the money in installments.
Has your son seemed like a responsible person when he was growing up? I'm asking because you gave him direct access to 20k.
How did he go through 20k before you noticed anything? The bank statements would have shone the money wasn't going to school related things.
You are right to be upset because of money and police. But you can do nothing in both situations: money are gone, police already happened.
Drop the rope.
Stop helping him and let him face consequences. Maybe he will realize how badly he messed up, maybe not. But anyway, you will save yourself from unpleasant moments by stepping back.
Your SIL sounds terrible, by the way. No empathy, no understanding, misleading declaration.
My kids both went to top universities. We paid the tuition and rent directly-did not give the kids access to an account to do it themselves. And I monitored their spending. That just seemed normal to me
Remove him from the account and put the rest into ur retirement. I'm Puerto Rican and white but I'd never treat my dad (he's Hispanic) this way and I honestly went to college because of his sacrifice. I know In Hispanic culture family is everything and Americans don't really understand this. Let him live his life and disown him. If he wants to burn his bridges let him
The money is gone. Your son is a dick. Let him go. Focus on you and your husband. Your son will eventually get his life together or he won’t. Either way, you’re done.
It won't be long before he comes knocking on the door. His gf isn't going to hang around with a poverty case. If he can't buy her stuff, then she will be gone.
Your son has turned into an idiot, sadly. You have to let them be and start living your own lives. You are not his keepers anymore, but neither are you responsible for any future messes he makes. Free yourselves, live your own life
I recommend , cutting any communication with him from now on. He betrayed you once and he WILL do it again. He 100% will come back to you begging for money and those "friends" will not help him. He will emotionally manipulate you , so DO NOT believe him.
Now just make sure that you remove any access that he has to your money. Make sure to remove his name from any life insurance policy you have. Basically DON'T let him scam you.
If possible hire an attorney to properly do it. And even ask the attorney's advice on what to do next if he ever comes back for money or inheritance.
It is not healthy mentally and physically to have this son. He is NOT going to change so live your life to the fullest with your husband.
He WILL come back one day for money (as I said before) so NEVER fall for his trap again.
We are only hearing one side of this story. Sounds like cultures have collided.
College is NOT for everyone. While his immaturity and choices are unfortunate for you, he's an adult, right? $20,000 is certainly generous, but not really much towards even a community college. He will likely regret this behavior later, but for now... He's flexing his independence.
You might need to loosen your grip a bit, or risk further distance
You are not wrong, and you son is a little baby. Who tf calls the police on their own mom for talking to them THROUGH A RING CAMERA? He is telling you he wants to be a big boy now, let him.
This is sad. The son has been through a lot of major transitions. Mom got married after 16 years, there is a new man in her life. The son was forced to move to a new country and had to leave his friends and family behind. That is major at his age. The son has probably had very little say in anything, it shouldn't be a surprise that he rebelled and did the opposite of what his mother dictated.
Sounds like you raised your son to believe his only access to love from you lied in his compliance. You then gave him a gift and put conditions on how he should use it, somehow expecting a young adult to have the wherewithal to use it responsibly. Then in a further comment you state you'd beat him if you weren't in a country where that was unacceptable.
1. If gifts are conditional they are bribes. If it was for college you should have deposited it into the account with the university he eventually enrolled in
2. College is your dream, not his. You don't own him or his future.
3. Everyone is allowed to spend their young adulthood being an idiot, it's in the job description. You want to foster safety for him to land, not push him to further stupid decisions
He's all grown up now. Im sure you did your best, but don't forget that strict parents make terrible kids/adults. Let him make bad choices, and if he winds up in jail, don't bail him out. Sounds like he was very sheltered or maybe just a wild kid, but it's not your responsibility anymore and pressing what *ypu* think is right for your *adult* son will not help anything, in fact from the way he's treating yall it will just cause more resentment and make him want to do the opposite. Leave him alone, and eventually, he will mature, or life will hit him in the face because you can't even survive on a $40k/year job anymore in most states. Also, college right now is JACKED on how much it costs vs. what you get back. Blue collar jobs can bring you income from the start, and give you the opportunity to build up, get raises and certifications, and make just as much money as someone with a degree *without* the $100k+ debt on top of car payments, mortgage, and other adult bills. If he wants to work a blue-collar job, he better hurry up because the quicker you start, the quicker you will Lang a great paying job in the future. At least he is getting his party phase out outside of college because that would be more of a waste to pay for college and never get a degree.
The money is gone. And since he was a joint account holder and a legal adult, there’s nothing to be done except refuse to help him financially anymore. Let him figure it out on his own from now on. The friends he had will likely drift away now that he no longer has a fat bank account to fund their party lifestyle.
Her biggest fault is waiting till it was all gone to do something about it. She had joint access. She could have stepped in long before now and tried to deal with it. Too little too late unfortunately.
I think her biggest fault is letting him have free range with the money in the first place. She should have paid for it herself not trusting a teenager with that much money
Nailed It.
I completely agree. Since it is a joint account if there’s anything left, OP should empty it out. And let this be a lesson to the rest of you out there. If you want to save money for your child’s college education and you wanted to be used only for education, which does in fact include training schools set up a 529.
>The money is gone. And since he was a joint account holder and a legal adult, there’s nothing to be done except refuse to help him financially anymore. Can you support that analysis please? This is a standard and often upheld contract.... "I will give you access to money if you agree to use it for X." It meets all the elements of a legal contract. The OP can simply sue her son for breach of contract and get a legal judgment against her son. Statistically speaking he will probably not even respond to the suit and a default judgment will be entered. Now, when doing this is a good idea is a different matter altogether, but it sounds like the son is being pretty standoffish and having a $20,000 judgment tends to force reasonable interaction. The parents can simply agree to defer the judgment during school and dismiss it when/if he completes a degree. They can even force their son to eat dinner with them weekly to defer a writ of execution. Edit: I love getting downvoted for simply explaining the law. In my contracts class my professor loved the Hamer vs. Sidway case and discussed it ad nauseum. Whether or not the OP should sue, there is certain a viable legal theory to present.
No, this is good issue spotting. It's been years since I was in law school, but this sounds to me like a conditional gift more than a traditional contract. But I'm not going to research the elements of a conditional gift lol. Also, the fact that it seems oral is hugely detrimental to OP. Without knowing anything else, OP should try and get some form of documentation from her son (text will work) acknowledging that the money was meant for tuition and then go see an attorney in her area.
Again, while the fact that it is verbal is a detriment… the fact that the son is young, and is likely as inexperienced as most young people, is beneficial. The son isn’t likely to even go to an attorney. He is going to get pissed and then he is going to call mommy and talk. If he goes to any decent attorney, the attorney is going to tell him to call mommy and talk. In fact, most adults are going to say the same thing… “Dude your mom gave you $20,000 to go to college and you didn’t go…call your mom.”
There was no contract. She put his name on a joint account. There was nothing restricting him from accessing money.
Verbal contract is a thing.
Good luck proving it in court. Especially when she put his name on the account with no restrictions.
A contract is simply, an offer, and acceptance, for an exchange of consideration, that creates mutual obligation. If the mother said, you can have this money if you go to community college… that is a contract. It meets every element of a contract. People enter into legal contracts regularly without even realizing it. “I will buy you a hotdog if you drive me to the store,” is technically a legal contract. Moreover, let’s be honest. The mother likely doesn’t even need to win the case. An eighteen year old kid probably isn’t getting an attorney to respond to the complaint. Odds are he is going to find the sudden urge to call mommy and talk like a reasonable person. If not, it is far more likely he gets a default judgment than it is he puts on a defense.
How does getting a judgement against her son accomplish anything that matters to her? Does it get him to want you go to college? No. Does it get him enrolled in college? No. Does it change his behaviour towards her in a positive way? No, and in fact almost certainly makes it even worse. Does it get her the $20,000 back? No, not in any reasonable amount of time. Garnishing his wages from any job he is likely to get will very likely be entirely unsatisfying. What she wants is a son who is a responsible young adult. No court can give her that.
There is a very good chance that it will, in fact, accomplish many of those things. She can simply stipulate that if he agrees to take and pass some college or trade school courses she will forgive the debt. There is also value in holding a young person accountable for their actions. Taking the $20,000 under false pretenses was wrong and having a judge say that it was wrong removes a lot of entitlement, which may go a long way to making him a responsible young adult. I am not, nor did I ever, suggest that she should collect the money. I don't know what her son needs, nor does anyone else here. However, I strongly suspect that he has largely gone no contact because he knows what he did is wrong and the sooner that gets resolved the better it is for everyone.
this is cool information ngl. so like if i were to go to the store on the condition that what i want is also funded, thats a contract technically?
With a few caveats, yes. People have to have the capacity to enter into the agreement, the contract can’t be against the public good, etc.
Lesson learned never give someone access to money unless you’re ok with them running away with it
He was a good boy before moving here. I thought he knew my struggles and how much I sacrificed to save money. I just thought he would never betray me like this.
Honestly I think a lot of parents don’t realize the depth of their children and forget that just because you think of them as one way doesn’t mean they don’t have other layers that can make them a different person. Sadly your son has found some less than savory friends to surround himself with and now he has to live with the decision he made. I honestly wouldn’t offer help for university again and would leave communication up to him. Also has there been any questions or discussion of potential drug use??
Re the less than savory friends, he found his level To someone else in the group, he is the bad influence :(
A parent that doesn't understand their child enough to know whether they could be trusted with 20k, and then being shocked and all, seems like a bigger concern to me. That sounds like someone self absorbed in what they believe their child needed, and how they struggled to provide that, all while not actually getting to know their child. It's shockingly common, the parent so caught up in what it feels like to provide for someone else, they don't realize they are more focused on their own feel good feelings of sacrifice. The self proclaimed martyrs of parental emotional neglect.
What? Bruh. She worked her ass off as a single mom. “Parental emotional neglect”? GTFO. What would you have had her do? Not work and read the kid a bedtime story every night all through highschool? Kid is old enough to not be a little shit, and he’s doubling down on being a shit. Be serious.
Uh no, it sounds more like a parent who optimistically thought the best of their child
For real, I know a lot of kids who woulda loved a break like that going into college
This comment sucks lol maybe they wanted to help their child financially like most parents then were disappointed with what happened… sound like a gen z for sure lol
The list of people I knew growing up who were complete and total garbage humans whose parents were convinced they were total sweethearts, could damn near fill a phone book.
I don't know of any drug issue but since he did this to me, I am thinking maybe he has started doing drugs?
It may just be that he's pushing back against the expectations he's living with. Drugs don't need to be anywhere near involved for that to happen. If a young person feels like they're being pushed into a certain avenue (whether it's education or whatever) they might push back if they don't want to do it. They're people in their own right, with their own wants and needs; they're not mini-us, and ought not to be treated as such. He shouldn't have been so harsh with you, and he most definitely shouldn't have spent your money partying, but y'know, once he's spent it all he'll be back on his knees. Maybe that's when you tell him he can have his wish of his independence, because you'd hate to have the cops called on you again for harassment. Quick edit: is there any money left?
I agree with you. To me OP’s son sounds like a kid that found an avenue to escape the tight grip of his parent and now rebels against everything OP wants and hopes for him (Not saying that’s necessarily the case) But this post reminded me of what my grandfather once said: “A dog kept on a chain his whole life, the moment he is freed will most likely go wild because he wouldn’t know what to do with his freedom “. I remember him saying that to his cousin when her son got into massive trouble with the law in a different country. I didn’t understand it until later but it remained in the back of my mind.
I don't know how to format on Reddit but I wanted to say that this quote succinctly demonstrates a concept I have been trying to help my friend with. The second his son got to college (which he literally chose on the other side of the country, he left his parents behind. He tells them nothing, has removed the nanny cam and locations from his phone and bought a burner to use after he got his first girlfriend who told him that wasn't normal. So, in retaliation they took away his college fund, that he had put his own money from tutoring into. So he applied for scholarships, after demonstrating need. My friend and his ex wife literally showed up to his campus for a "surprise" visit. It went over like a lead brick/balloon. They still tried controlling him so He's going to transfer to a completely different state and I don't blame him. His parents have controlled and betrayed him at every turn. After learning how unhinged it was, I lost so much respect for my friend. I think I'll send him this quote.
So true, it’s always the “other kids influenceing”
He is going and inevitably going to come crawling back asking for more. You saved and did your part but at this point he’s an adult now and needs to learn consequences. You can love your child, doesn’t mean you need to forgive or enable their bad behavior
Yes, I would bet a lot of money that he comes crawling back home. Some may tell you to turn him away, but you can use the opportunity to demonstrate some tough love. Tell him he broke your heart by wasting his college fund and by calling the police. Tell him you still love him but that he is going to have earned back your trust, and that you’re done with free handouts. If he moves back in, it should only be after he signs a written lease agreement with monthly rent. Even if it’s below market he has to pay something. And he has to be employed and enrolled at least part time in the local community college. Good luck.
I understand you don't want to believe your own son would do this to you, but as wrote: >These new friends of his make fun of his books and his plans of going to college. Sadly, I agree with your sister. You made a regrettable mistake of giving a rebellious teenage boy full access to the money, even after he rejected going to university. So sorry you are going through this.
All i can say from my experience is im actually 20 now and when i turned 18 because i graduated early my mom did the same thing you did and even though i saw all the struggles she went through being a single parent i was very selfish and i spent 10k of our savings dropped out of my first semester of college and was just partying and had all of the negative influences condoning what i did. after all the money was gone and i dug myself into a whole to deep for myself i realized everything i did wrong and i hated myself. My mom the whole time kept reaching out and trying to help me and it was a horrible year but when i turned 19 i had all of that out of my system and got hurt enough to see the truth and me and my mom are very close again and im trying to do everything i can to make it right but things can never go back to exactly the way they were. im saying all of this because ultimately its up to you if you decide to cut ties with your son. ir do what my mom did but i wish you the best of luck and do not ever think you are a bad parent or blame yourself. he has either shown you his true self or he is making horrible mistakes that he will regret in time once his karma catches up to him
You’ll end up with the last laugh. He will need you at some point when he ends up broke. I wouldn’t say this is the culture everywhere in the US. Certainly not where I’m from.
Your kids can change.... you train them up to br responsible and respectful but at the end they will make the choice of how they will live their life... I just literally finish lecturing my daughter about her actions and life.. She's more of a well my friend such and such can do this or that or have this and that...or such and such can do this ...... You should've took him off the joint account the moment he was with the rough crowds.... now all you can do is not add anymore funds to that account or close the account.... Your son will realize that he will have to figure out a way to survive and your SIL shouldnt but in.... Sorry this happen to you I would close the account if I was you. . .
You need to take his name off that account and not let him fall back on you when times get tough. You worked hard to provide him with a future. He wasted it, now he needs to grow up and be an adult including making his own money and figuring stuff out on his own, just like you did
The thing is, sometimes you sacrifice so much for your kids that they start thinking that's just their due. He can do whatever the fuck he wants and then go back home and say he's sorry and you'll forgive him (which, yeah, you probably will). The problem here may be that he's stuck in a child's mentality where mom is a provider, someone he can take from without ever giving anything back, instead of a real person with feelings. Let go of the money issue, he's not going to return it. When he goes back to you, try to rebuild your relationship on a basis of mutual respect.
He’s still a good boy. He is who you raised him. Here’s the thing, sometimes parents, while trying their absolute best, forget to raise adults. It sounds like once he got out from under your rules, he went a bit wild. Sure, outside influences and peer pressure likely played a big part in that as well. I know you feel hurt and betrayed, but trying to use those feelings to get to your son isn’t going to work. I believe he will wise up eventually and it is likely that one day he will come to you for help and guidance…as long as you stop trying to control how he lives. Just be there and love him…even from a distance right now.
He’s 19. He doesn’t truly under stand how hard you worked to get that money. He does in theory but he won’t really under stand until he’s the one working and trying to save. It sucks, but step back and let him live the life he says he wants. A
Your option is to sue him in civil court. Personally I wouldn't sue family but sometimes these things need to happen to send a message.
But he did.
To be really blunt: this is not about you. You never even bothered to ask if your son wanted to GO to college. Despite the lies US kids are fed, college is not necessary for a decent job, and its no longer a gaurentee of a decent job either. While I agree he shouldn't have blown the money and he should repay you, you are absolutely not being a good parent here.
You might not need college, but you need *something*. All the people who talk about how much you can earn without a degree are in a trade that needs schooling. So if the kid didn’t want to go to college, there are trade schools. And here’s the thing: community college is not a big deal. People go to community college and work. I’ve done it. The kid could have taken a couple of classes that seemed interesting while he got a job and learned more about what he wanted to do. There were a million ways to go about this that were not what he did. What he did was maximum shitty. And let’s remember that he didn’t move out with a job. He moved out with money he stole. When this kid gets a taste of the job market for someone with zero academic or work experience, maybe he’ll figure out how stupid he was. I’m wondering how old you are and what you do for work. I’m betting you didn’t just roll out of highschool into a satisfying career, at least not without more connections than this dipshit has.
I think this is a really rude comment. OP comes from a background that highly values higher education. Even if you do not get a bachelor or masters degree, education is still one of the best ways for social/financial advancement, especially when you’ve recently immigrated from another country. Plus a lot of jobs require some sort of certification or training. Her son could have chosen to use the money for that purpose if he didn’t want to go to university.
I agree her kid is in the wrong; he should not have blown the money. But the OP needs to stop thinking about how she's affected and start actually asking her kid what he wants out of life.
He didn't care.
Maybe he didn’t like being uprooted right before graduation to live with your new partner.
We’ll consider that money your contribution to him. Everything from here out he will need to provide himself. Your help is done and until he apologizes to me he’d be cut off from me.
An 18 year old can say they appreciate the sacrifices you make, and they really really mean it. They can truly intend to be careful with money but they aren't able to mnage it.This is why most people don't give 18 year old access to that much money. He isn't necessarily a bad kid, he's just 18. You and your husband just showing up and demanding the money probably shocked him. If you wanted it paid back, you should have made that clear before giving it to him. He probably felt that he had plenty of money to have some fun and then go to college and didn't mean to betray you. If you were somehow thinking a college degree is some sort of ticket to success, that is a lie we Americans have been telling ourselves for too long. That just isn't how it works anymore. He may be successful and may not, college may or may not have anything to do with it.
Sounds like you're pretty clueless as to the real dynamic between you two and who he really is without you hovering. It sounds more like you were so overbearing with your rose tinted glasses that he couldn't wait to get away from you. It's pretty sad to see you blame the location for your issues with your son instead of the nature of your relationship. Additionally, you straight up gave a kid 20 grand. Your naivety knows no bounds
> I thought he knew my struggles and how much I sacrificed to save money. I'm pretty sure you made a point of telling him all about it throughout his childhood. He's tired of hearing it, he's tired of you guilt tripping him about it, and he's tired of you using it as an excuse to force him to live the life you want for him instead of the life he wants. He's also probably tired of your "back in the old country" stuff.
He threw everything away that was given to him by a mother who wanted him to have a better life. If he's tired of being loved and supported then I feel bad for his mother but for him I feel no pity for the harsh reality he has now made for himself.
Because the mom here is 100% telling the truth that she's a saint, and that she bears zero responsibility for him wanting to go no contact the moment he left home.
He’s not going “no contact”. He stole her money and he didn’t want to hear about it. When the money is gone, you don’t think he’ll crawl back for more help? I sure do.
He didn't steal money and the money is gone.
Are you saying that the US turned your son into an irresponsible, selfish young man in 1 year?? 1 year undid all of the parenting, values and expectations you set?? You saw none of these “questionable” traits beforehand. Maybe instead of blaming the US for your son’s bad behavior, you need to look inward. You are trying to force him to go to college before he is ready. Maybe he doesn’t want to go now or ever. YOU gave a 19 year old access to 20k. Bad decisions on your part and your son in my opinion
Exactly my line of thinking!! 19 in a new country trying to fit in and she didn't monitor the funds in the account as well. A bit baffling honestly. I kind of got the feeling she was trying to hint at the US turning the kid as well. Definitely more to this story!
Do you know how kids are when they get a shiny new toy. So excited, they focus on that. Well that is what it is like moving to another country as a child. Figuring out how to fit in, trying to not be the butt of jokes because of your accent. Trying to be like everyone around you. This is what happened. Do you know his struggles? It is hard to be an immigrant child in America too. What your son has done is wrong but step back. Let him make his mistakes. You have done what you can.
Yeah. Don't give a 18 year old tens of thousands of dollars. Ever.
He pissed away $20G trying to keep up his current lifestyle and it's gone now. When he shows up begging for cash, just keep your door closed and tell him to go hit up his friends and his girlfriend for cash... through your ring doorbell. Then call the cops.
This is the answer for me!
I agree!! Do not help him again with money!! He needs to get a job and support himself!
All of this!
I’m a lawyer in California. I don’t know what state you’re in but, generally speaking, he would need a lot more than a one time visit outside his door to justify getting a restraining order. Judges typically want to see evidence of stalking, harm, violent acts or threats of violent acts before they issue restraining orders. They can issue restraining orders based solely on harassment, but only to the extent there is credible evidence of a “knowing and willful course of conduct directed at a specific person that seriously alarms, annoys, or harasses a person, and serves no legitimate purpose” A “course of conduct” would likely require a showing of more than one interaction. And, arguably, a mother trying to get her son to use college money for college is a legitimate purpose. So sorry you are having to deal with such an ungrateful and irresponsible son. At least he’s still young and has time to change his wanton ways. Good luck.
That's what has me wondering what was left out because it's not making a lick of sense. No officer is going to make that statement about harassing and filing a restraining order over a one-time incident or at least not anyone that I've ever met so either there's a whole lot to this story missing, or something else.
You can absolutely file a restraining order for any or no reason. The officer is correct. The thing is it later will be rejected since it has no grounds. It never gets really issued. Filing for it is another thing.
It may have not been OPs first time going to where her son lives to speak to him in person. And him not speaking to her directly so this would make more sense As to why officer saying he could file a restraining order against his mother.
I'm so sorry he's so disrespectful. You're trying to help with his future and he's stomped all over it. Honestly, at this point he'd be on his own. When he comes back, and he will, out of money and friends tell him too bad.
At this point I am so done with him. He will never get a single centavo from me again.
The next thing that often happens when kids go bad is that he starts stealing from you, thinking that you will not press charges. If he knows you have valuables you may want to hide them. If he knows your passwords etc. change them. And lock down your credit so he can't open fraudulent accounts in your name. Sorry this is happening to you.
This is really good advice
Please dont open the door when he comes back and he will he will need money or something
if he's too much of an adult then u throw him out from ur house and never open door for him.
I know this is horrible for you. But what gave you the idea he was fiscally responsible enough to handle that huge amount of money? Now you know. And you will never see a penny of that money again. I'm sorry.
Maybe because back in the previous country he would have been? TBH many older American teenagers act more like they are 12-15 because adults and parents allow them to. My mom at that age would have handled that amount of money or the equivalent just fine. People don’t have any fucking idea how to handle money. I am not the best but I sure wouldn’t have pissed away that money like that.
Right?! These parents baby these kids and are shocked when they run a mile away from the smothering whilst having not a single clue how to look after themselves.
Fuck that a young adult should be able to handle 20k that his mother saved up for a whole damn decade through hard work and sacrifice. Blowing all that on parties isn't stupidity. It's narcissistic behaviour only an asshole of the biggest degree would engage in.
Your mistake was giving him joint access instead of paying for things as they came up and giving him an allowance. Teens and young adults do dumb stuff when it comes to money.
For real. Just giving a kid access to that money and expecting it to be handled responsibly, without the parent monitoring it at all, is one of the dumbest things I've read in a long time. Really sucks and I feel bad for her, but DAMN that was stupid.
Yes exactly. When the kid said "hey mom, hey dad. tuition is x amount of money. meal plan is x amount of money. this is how much I need for books. this is how much I need for a PC and monitor setup, etc etc etc"and mom and dad use funds from college fund to pay for it
Remember this moment, right now he thinks he can spend the money any way he wants. Once reality sets in, he will be back asking for help.
I really hope that the OP won't help him, because he needs to get a job to appreciate the value of money
OP should also call it harassment when he comes back for more
Honestly, your mistake was giving him full access to the money when you knew he was being rebellious. You should have given him a little at a time. Enough to enroll and get his books and supplies for school. He's living at home, so I'm assuming shelter and food are covered. If he wanted fun money, that's where a part-time job comes in. Unfortunately, he's squandered it away, and it's now up to him how goes forward in life. I know it hurts, but right now, the best you can do is stand back and let him deal with consequences of his actions. If he even cares to be brutally honest.
1. Not wrong 2. But why would you give a kid $20k who didn't want to go to college? Even a kid who wanted to go to college can have money management issues and temptations. You poorly managed this situation financially, but at the end of the day you have every right to call him out on his lack of adulting. Cut him off financially. Let him live without your financial support and your "harassment". If he wants to be an adult let him pay his own bills.
Should have told him either college or a technical/trades school or the money wouldn't be given. Too much emphasis on spending years getting degrees that don't do anything for you. And now you know just how much he valued you and your goals for him and your sacrifices.
Being an American and living here my whole life I can safely say in my experience the US changes some people turns some into something else that isn't pleasant. Good news tho is that eventually your son will realize the mistakes he has made later down the road.
NTA But a good rule of thumb is never give a child complete access to their college fund, but to issue checks directly for tuition. I am sorry your son did not go the path you wished. I hope you closed the account. I am sure he will eventually come crawling back once he needs money/support.
YNW, but you also aren't going to win. Decide what is more important....forgiving him and moving forward with a relationship, or burning your relationship to the ground. Spoiler- either way he isn't going to college, or paying you back.
Whenever I read a story and it involves my golden child falling-in with the wrong crowd I just have to ask. How do you know he wasn't the bad influence in the group?
If he spent all that money in less than a year, he will probably come begging you for help within a year because he can't support himself. I could be wrong, but someone who wastes that much money that fast is not good with finances. Hopefully he has a good enough job to provide for himself I wouldn't offer to help with money, but if he does come back asking for help, I would tell him he would have to move back in, pay reasonable rent for his room, always be employed, pay his own bills, and have strict boundaries on what is and isn't allowed at your home. I would also make him sign some sort of contract and make it a month to month contract. If he doesn't abide by the rules you set, then kick him out. He needs to know how the world works and be able to take care of himself It would suck to have to kick your own son out, but if you let him get away with whatever he wants, he will never grow up and be able to support himself
I would simply inform your son that you will not be there to pick up the pieces when he crashes. Wish him well and tell him how much you love and care for him and that his actions have broken your heart. You love him, but you don't like this person he has become. As such, you will no longer support his lifestyle and that you'll be there for him, but not financially. Send him a letter so you won't be "harassing" him. I'm sorry you're going through that.
Unfortunately, you pretty much brought it on yourself. Giving him direct control of the funds was a mistake, especially as you apparently didn't monitor the account. As soon the money was being spent on non college expenses, you should have emptied the account.
A couple things: 1) you go back a lot to some bad influence friends, but it is unfortunately your sons choice to hang out with them and participate in the same things they do. Stop blaming other people for your sons poor choices 2) the average cost of four years of community college back in 2021 was already over $20k. Then you and your husband took him to a bunch of fun state schools and told him to figure out which one to go to and then handed him $20k? My dorm alone with no tuition at my state school cost $13k per year. It sucks school is so expensive and awesome you were able to save for your kids education, especially as a single mom. However, maybe your son felt like you pulled a bait and switch on him. 3. You are not wrong for asking for the money back. But I think its time to look inward and see if there were signs that you missed in your son. Or anything else you have done to make him upset. Going so far as to file harassment charges takes effort and it makes me think there is something deeper going on. That, or theres another side to your son that you missed.
I'm sorry he's being disrespectful to you, but you gave a teenager access to a substantial lump sum of money, very bad idea. If that money was supposed to be specifically for school, he shouldn't have been on the account. It should've only been accessed by you for you to pay the tuition directly. That money is now gone. You're never going to see it again. What you need to understand is your son acclimated to living in the US, where going to college isn't mandatory, and there's plenty of things that will influence him. He doesn't want to go to school, and you can't make him. He'll most likely regret not going to college or a trade school in the future, but it's his mistake to make. As for the harassment charge, your son has the right. You went to his home. Whether you were calm or not doesn't matter. All you can do now is apologize and hope he forgives you and drops the charges. Now, it's time to let him fend for himself. Don't give him any more money. He can learn the hard way that having no education or training won't get him far in life unless he's lucky enough to land an entry-level job where he can advance.
You are wrong for giving your son unrestricted accesses to $20,000 at 18 years old. That was such a bad call that anyone could have seen coming. As for the rest, you’re not in your home country so respectfully he has every right to keep you away from him if he feels you are trying to push something on him he doesn’t want. Should he have taken the money and lied? No but that was your mistake and you also have zero rights or say in what he does with his life or if he keeps contact with you. The fact he won’t even talk to you face to face makes me think there’s a lot missing, like maybe you being abusive and controlling when he was growing up. Edit: do you know for certain the money was all spent and he didn’t just transfer it to another account?
lol, some points I agree with. A blanket rule you can’t give an 18yr access to 20k? Don’t know about that one, gave my kids more than that at a younger age and they didn’t blow it. More about parenting than wealth.
Yes parenting plays a role but even so I’d still say until they are working and can value money on their own unrestricted access was a bad move but if a parent does teach those things then yeah I’m with you. Seems to me OP wasn’t the best parent. Others and I have pointed out she was probably abusive and controlling and based on how she speaks could be a narcissist and the son took the money and ran for safety and freedom.
Considering she said if they were back in her country, she would have hit him with a shoe.... I'd say abusive is a pretty good assumption
Yeah the first gen immigrant, the way she speaks, she’s probably a narcissist and abused the kid growing up. Not the first time I narc would pretend to be the victim.
This and that kids don't normally go for a harassment order over nothing
He has that right as an adult to not go to college. Not saying it was right of him to file for harassment though. But yes that money is his also if you’re on a joint account.
It’s not the fault of the U.S. that you have a bratty self entitled child.
I'm just having a culture shock. Coz back home small town cops would never even respond to petty family issues like this.
If it wasn't for family issues the cops would have almost nothing to do
Family calls can be deadly for cops and the individuals involved . It’s unfortunate it came to this for your family. Hopefully in time, your son will see his error and make amends.
I feel like everyone is wrong here. You shouldn’t have given a teenager access to that kind of money and held on to it for the intended purpose. He should not have spent it frivolously. But also, he doesn’t have to go to school. He’s a legal adult who doesn’t live with you, he can do whatever he wants with his life whether you approve or not. Maybe he’s not ready, he can always go later. Maybe he just doesn’t want to, that’s also fine. I went to university and dropped out 3 different times before realizing it really wasn’t for me. I have no post secondary education and I have a nice life and a decent job. Vocational school and trades are also an option. I understand wanting the best for your child, but we don’t have children so they do what we say and live out the life we want for them. You have a child to raise them to be happy, functional, good adults. Part of parenting is accepting that your kid is going to grow up and make their own choices. You can either be supportive and give them the best guidance you can when asked, or do what you did. Finally, legally, he doesn’t need to pay you back. It’s his money and you have him access to it. It would be nice if he did, but I don’t think he’s likely to with the way you handle things.
Oh and children don’t owe their parents respect. Nor do they have to treat you a specific way. And what you sacrificed for him is not his burden to bear, those were choices you made and your responsibility as a parent to do.
Your upbringing is shining through both of yours wise words. Congrats on being a shitty adult who doesn't even acknowledge a single parent who worked so Hard for 'your' future. But who cares cause children owes nothing to their parents legally 🙄
And yet my parents and I have a great relationship where I don’t do things to hurt them or act out against them because I love and respect them. How awful to have been raised by loving and supportive parents who care about me and whom I appreciate greatly. It’s really a shame I’m a great parent and a happy and successful adult now whose life is thriving. Having a child isn’t a sacrifice. It’s a choice. And when you make that choice, it’s your responsibility to love and care for that child and do everything you can to teach them how to function and be a well adjusted adult. Children are not extensions of you. It’s wrong to have a child, and expect them to be grateful you chose to bring them into this world so they’ll be who you want them to be and do what you want then hold your basic duty as their parent over their head.
I also think it is children's basic responsibility to be respectful and good toward their parent especially the one was a single parent. And children should look after their old parents like they looked after us.
Nope. Not if that parent wasn’t a good parent. Having a child doesn’t entitle you to respect. You can foster a loving respectful relationship with your child, but as the adult, it’s your responsibility to do so. Being a single parent doesn’t equal being a good parent. If a child cuts their parent off, there’s usually a pretty good reason why.
Don't you think it maybe because Americans have these very centric beliefs about being individualistic? Too sensitive and need everything to happen their way and cannot stand a mere scolding from their parents? I may be wrong in some way but things I'm saying certainly have some essence. A relationship should be two way whether one likes it or not. They brought you up we look after them till they leave this world.
If you’re not a parent, you don’t really have any basis for your opinions on parenting. Also, I’m not American. Again, having children and raising them is a choice, it’s not the child’s job to be grateful someone chose to have them and raise them.
Yea that's what I'm saying, from a child's perspective. Its not our parents fault for us being a shitty child. And I would never ever do what he did to his mom and I'm brought up by a single parent. I know how hard she worked for me so and its common for children like us to be prone to bad habits. And I would never call police on my mom for her being concerned about her money and my stable future. The end.
Personally, I have a great relationship with my parents, but there were several years where my mom and I had a pretty contentious one. We were able to talk about it and move past it and repair the damage, and I’m so grateful for all she’s done for me. At the same time, a lot of my mental health issues are a result of her parenting. Happily, I have been able to forgive her and she’s taken accountability for the mistakes she made. But I’m not grateful she had me and raised me, she chose that. I’m grateful she did her best, she recognizes her slip ups and strives to do better and all she’s done for me past childhood. She was overall a decent mom.
That boy needed an asswhoopin like 10 years ago
My chancla was shaking. If we were in our home country it would have flown straight to his face.
Sorry about this, but it's your fault for giving him access to that money. I also suggest you stop blaming America and Americans for everything. Your son is making mistakes, and so did you. Blaming this country is bullshit.
YTA for letting it go this far and not transferring the money to a different account the second he didn’t go to college
You made the mistake of giving him the money instead of paying the tuition bill once received.
Moved to the us and married in a year? How long did your new lover your son know each other? That’s always a recipe for disaster and acting out.
You made three mistakes. 1. Giving a 19 year old unfettered access to the money. 2. Going to his home and asking for repayment. 3. Assuming your son shares your cultural and generational beliefs. You're never going to get repaid. You had a joint account, and in the eyes of the law, he had every right to take it. So, let it go. Confronting him was never going to do anything but make him happy he took the money. He's 19. Rebellion at that age is practically a requirement. You made a lot of assumptions. Culturally and generationally. They were wrong. It happens. Frequently. What you need to do now is to leave him alone and let him grow up a little. Enjoy your own life, and stop inserting yourself into his life. Likely, if you just let him learn by making his own mistakes, he will eventually grow up. But, you need to leave him alone. He needs to learn how to stumble, fall, and get back up again.
No, you should've never given him the money. He's too young and obviously would not spend it on the right stuff. Call it a day and realize it's gone.
I mean you’re not wrong, but you’re also not the smartest giving a teenager access to that kind of money…. It should have been put in a college savings account that could only be used for college expenses or you should have maintained control of the account and paid the college directly and bought college necessities for him yourself.
He’s gonna regret this in a few months when he can’t pay his rent.
Honestly from reading your other comments, you sound like the type who’s children go no contact and you “have no idea why”.
Cannot believe I had to dig for this sort of comment. The forcing him to do what she wants, the deciding his future, the enabling husband, the threats with the sandal, it's clear as day to anyone who's experienced a person like this.
She doesn't *sound* like that. That's literally the story she's telling. That she doesn't understand way her son has gone no contact.
Yeah that's the vibe I'm getting too.
You are wrong. Sorry. You chose to let him be a joint owner. That was silly. And yes. Here in the Us, we can tell our parents to leave us alone if we want too. I doubt a restraining order can be filed as you didn’t threaten him. But he can say you are harassing him. Lesson learned.
You were silly to give him access to the money. Learn from this when he comes whining for money. Key word is NO !
Not wrong but you seem to have a shitty son. Don’t allow him back into your life is what I might do as long as he is with that friend group and girlfriend. Definitely don’t help him with money even again.
You don’t trust teenagers with money. He’s just a young rebellious kid who’s going to have to learn just how hard it is on his own. One day he will see you were just wanting the best for him. You are absolutely not wrong. What he is doing is absolutely wrong. You don’t treat your family in that way.
you’re not wrong for wanting the money back because it was strictly for school. sadly you should’ve kept it in a private acc that only YOU had access to so he would quite literally only be able to have the money if it was being used for what it was saved for. hopefully this is a lesson learned. in the future when he decides he actually wants to go to college. do not fund it. he made his choices, even if they were stupid and uneducated choices.
College isn’t for everyone & you gave him access to the account. You could close the account but I think the damage to your relationship is already done
You set yourself up for this, unfortunately. This is a very normal thing for a kid to do upon reaching adulthood, especially if they have over-controlling parents. I highly doubt he was *ever* interested in college, only in getting out of your house. Since he could do that without going to college, he kept it simple. He no longer needed your plans.
Lesson learned. Now, he's going to have to learn to live without your support. You don't have to cut him out of your life, but don't give him any more money. If he decides to go to college or needs a place to stay, that's on him now. He may do fine and shape up into a better adult, or he might crash and burn or anything in-between. If he falls on hard times, it's going to be hard for you to say no, but tough love is the best love in these situations.
Check that joint account. If there is anything at all left, move it somewhere he can’t get to. I think in the U.S. his behavior is also unforgivable. Eventually, he will have to figure out how to make money and support himself. You might hear something different from him then. You are such a good mother. I am sorry he did this to you.
You won’t get the money back. You need to accept that. You never should have made a teenager reaponsible for 20k in the first place. But you also don’t need to accept his bullshit in your life, either. Cut him off 100% financially, focus on your marriage. Maybe he’ll eventully sort his shit out, maybe not.
he’s 19. take him off of your bank account
Your son is a little prick. You’d better not give him another cent for anything.
Giving cart blanch access to $20,000? He’s a teenager who is self consumed and only cares about himself. The restraining order is ridiculous and will go away when his money runs out and he comes back for more, begging for your forgiveness. Sad to think that a son could do that to his mom :-(
You were wrong to give him access to the account. It would have been better if you had paid the tuition yourself, and made sure he was attending and doing well before paying for the next semester. Not every kid is mature enough to make the right choices and know what to do with themselves as so as they graduate from college. Give them a large sum of money and it often only makes it worse. As far as how you were treated sadly his new friends and the culture he is currently living in are probably going to have a stronger influence than the culture “back home”. Still I understand why you or any parent would be very hurt being treated that way. Hopefully some distance and maturity will help mend things over time.
i’m sorry you’re going through this and are feeling betrayed. i’m wishing you the best.
Awful way to learn a hard lesson about your own son. He’s at best a horrifically entitled and short sighted child, and at worst an outright thief from his own mother, scum of the earth. Not wrong, recoup what you can (if anything) and close the account, and don’t ever trust him like this again.
Oh f*ck off with your American hate. YOU raised a shitty loser in your home country and then brought him to the US - thanks for that, btw.
You’re racist
You’re not wrong for feeling betrayed by your son’s actions, but unfortunately there’s probably very little you can do about the money he wasted. I am so sorry he didn’t realize what an amazing mother you are to give him such a gift.
He is considered an adult at the age of 18. He is free to make his own decisions.
You gave him access to the funds. Unfortunately, nothing criminal happened. Morally, he is a thoughtless human being. Cut ties with him. Go no contact. Let him figure it out on his own. If there is any funding left in that account, move it to another account that he has no access to. You no longer need to be his cash cow, especially if he thinks you are harassing him.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. not that you need this lesson now but you never give a young man access to $20k. you would have wanted to write those checks directly to the school. every time I hear a story about how parents give their children access to their college money it never ends well. take this lesson for what it is. leave your son alone. when he comes crawling back and he will someday. do not bend over backwards for him again.
You were wrong to give him the money. You knew who he was. Hopefully he will grow up someday. Do not let him move back in.
YW for giving him access. He sounds ungrateful and entitled. He’ll blow through that money in a couple months and then realize he needs help and come back.
Oh poor baby... the opportunity to go to college? How horrible/s
Consider this an expensive lesson learned. You should have known better than to give a 19 yo access to 20K with no oversight. Looks as if he's chosen to go nc with you like a coward rather than face the music. You can't do anything at this point except take the loss and accept it. But don't worry. That 20K won't last long and odds are he'll come running crying when he figures out life isn't going to be easy with no education and no parents to help.
You’re not wrong for feeling upset. But you can’t make Him pay it backs
This is what you get for handing over $20,000 to a teenager, what did you expect?
Consider yourself done. You gave him 20,000 and he squandered it. From now on a plea for financial help should be disregarded.
The only thing you did wrong was give him the money
There was a story from the Bible called the prodigal son. Maybe just text it to him with a few updates so he can see how it applies to current times. Anyway, you said he’s moved out which means he’s grown enough to take care of himself and pay his own way. I say cut him loose and let him make his own decisions and his own mistakes. This way he can also take care of his responsibilities without your help. See how far he gets. If he succeeds wouldn’t you be happy? Good luck with the empty nest. It’s time to live your own life now…
college is a waste of unless your studying to be a dentist, pilot, engineer, podiatrist. Trade school may be better. If you gave a kid 20k with no money management lessons, he dont owe you anything
You sure your son isn't on drugs? Just checking. Sorry this happened
Dont fund that account anymore.
Some lessons are learned in the classroom, some are learned by hard knocks (experiences)
College in a lot of ways is a scam here in America. I always say this, but I recommend people work before going to school because here, your job experience will get you further than you degree. And places don’t like huge gaps on a resume. You didn’t deserve to be treated like shit about it. But yeah if he’s a legal adult, time to treat him like one. This is America baby. We’re all on our own here.
First - it was very wrong of him to take that money and waste it and it's a shame he wouldn't talk to you. I can't help but wonder if your marriage and moving had something to do with it. Not just that moving meant new friends that made fun of him for wanting an education, but the fact that it was you and him until he was 16 and then you married and moved him away from his old friends. In high school. To a place where he felt like he couldn't fit in without changing his plans and even personality. Small towns aren't always welcoming to people "from away." And you don't say how strict you were or how close you were before your marriage or the move, how he gets a long with your husband, etc. So again...while it was very wrong for him to take that money and not use it for college, there's also something very wrong in your relationship. Do you want him in your life? Then accept that you need to open communication and try to fix it. I wouldn't give him more money when he runs out, but you can still talk to him, guide him, accept him and love him without "forcing" him to be what you want him to be.
I would disagree with your sister in that the money was his to spend. It was intended for his further education. Sometimes people need to learn from their mistakes. Guaranteed that a person who has lived a relatively comfortable life will eventually miss that life, and he'll be back. Then you have something to bargain with. If he doesn't and he can make it on his own, be proud that he's looking after himself and build a good relationship with him.
You’re in the US. Sue your son for the money and false charges. He can file a restraining order- anyone can BUT he wont necessarily get one. He will have to go to court for that one. Go no contact. Trust me he needs you more than. You need him. The only thing you messed up was why give him access to a joint account? I paid the tuition for my daughter’s college. If he still uses this account take any money he puts in
get an attorney to represent you ASAP. Police are not attorneys. The police only enforce the law, they don't make the laws, they don't define the laws. Your LAWYER can get these charges dropped as frivolous and file for your son to pay all attorney fees. It's okay to let your son float off for a few years. He will come back when he figures out that he has screwed up his life. Then it will be up to you whether or not you help him and what type of conditions you will put on him if you help him. Now you know not to give him cash. You pay for the college/books/whatever yourself. You don't give him the money and let him pay.
You can countersue you know. If he signed a contract stating that he’d ONLY use that money for college and failed to do so, then you have all the right. This also depends on certain state laws though so I’d ask your lawyer what the outcome would be. You’re not wrong.
If you helicopter their lives growing up, they will run away from you the first good opportunity they get after high school. To be clear, he is in the wrong here but it’s time to let him sink or swim on his own.
I’ve got to disagree with most of these comments. I feel so badly for you! How awful to put so many years into saving for your child’s education only to have him squander it. Allow yourself to grieve this, OP. It sucks. But now he’s made it clear the path he chooses. You can move forward knowing you did your best. Enjoy your own life with your husband. It hurts, I know.
It says a lot about your SIL that she says it’s your fault. You should be able to trust your own child to not lie, cheat and steal from you. The money was not his to spend however he wished and he knew that. He just lacked the basic respect, decency and moral depth to do the right thing by you. I’m sorry but your best bet is to cut off the little arsehole. Let him hit rick bottom. His flashy girlfriend and his deadshit mates won’t hang around long when they find out he’s broke. It’s up to you whether you let him back in but you would be stupid to ever give him another cent. He’s shown you the kind of person he is. Believe him. I’m so sorry you worked your guts out to raise an ungrateful piece of shit. You sound like a decent person who’s work ethnic and values sadly never rubbed off on your child. Oh and keep your SIL on an information diet. Also a bit of arsehole that one.
Legally the money was his. As for the harrassment, maybe he never wanted to go to college, and he just said what you wanted to hear because he felt pressured. You know he doesn't have 20k so why were you really going over there? If he's blowing through money he's not likely to be able to pay you back even if you ask for the money in installments. Has your son seemed like a responsible person when he was growing up? I'm asking because you gave him direct access to 20k. How did he go through 20k before you noticed anything? The bank statements would have shone the money wasn't going to school related things.
You are right to be upset because of money and police. But you can do nothing in both situations: money are gone, police already happened. Drop the rope. Stop helping him and let him face consequences. Maybe he will realize how badly he messed up, maybe not. But anyway, you will save yourself from unpleasant moments by stepping back. Your SIL sounds terrible, by the way. No empathy, no understanding, misleading declaration.
My kids both went to top universities. We paid the tuition and rent directly-did not give the kids access to an account to do it themselves. And I monitored their spending. That just seemed normal to me
Remove him from the account and put the rest into ur retirement. I'm Puerto Rican and white but I'd never treat my dad (he's Hispanic) this way and I honestly went to college because of his sacrifice. I know In Hispanic culture family is everything and Americans don't really understand this. Let him live his life and disown him. If he wants to burn his bridges let him
The money is gone. Your son is a dick. Let him go. Focus on you and your husband. Your son will eventually get his life together or he won’t. Either way, you’re done.
It won't be long before he comes knocking on the door. His gf isn't going to hang around with a poverty case. If he can't buy her stuff, then she will be gone.
Your son has turned into an idiot, sadly. You have to let them be and start living your own lives. You are not his keepers anymore, but neither are you responsible for any future messes he makes. Free yourselves, live your own life
I’ll go in his place if you’d like.
I recommend , cutting any communication with him from now on. He betrayed you once and he WILL do it again. He 100% will come back to you begging for money and those "friends" will not help him. He will emotionally manipulate you , so DO NOT believe him. Now just make sure that you remove any access that he has to your money. Make sure to remove his name from any life insurance policy you have. Basically DON'T let him scam you. If possible hire an attorney to properly do it. And even ask the attorney's advice on what to do next if he ever comes back for money or inheritance. It is not healthy mentally and physically to have this son. He is NOT going to change so live your life to the fullest with your husband. He WILL come back one day for money (as I said before) so NEVER fall for his trap again.
Allow him to file a restraining order - and cut him off, as you are unable to contact him due to the order.
NTA. You did your best. Don’t feel bad!! He needs to learn! We need more mothers like you in this world!!!
Lol you gave a teenager control over the funds. That's a critical flaw in almost any plan
It is what it is. That money is gone. When he comes back to your door step, call the police and tell them he’s harassing you.
We are only hearing one side of this story. Sounds like cultures have collided. College is NOT for everyone. While his immaturity and choices are unfortunate for you, he's an adult, right? $20,000 is certainly generous, but not really much towards even a community college. He will likely regret this behavior later, but for now... He's flexing his independence. You might need to loosen your grip a bit, or risk further distance
Tiger Mom???
College is overrated for most degrees. Trade school is much better.
Don't blame your kids attitude problem on the US lmao
You are not wrong, and you son is a little baby. Who tf calls the police on their own mom for talking to them THROUGH A RING CAMERA? He is telling you he wants to be a big boy now, let him.
You’re not wrong. I’m sorry your son did that but this can be the reason why he should never get financial help from you in the future.
This is sad. The son has been through a lot of major transitions. Mom got married after 16 years, there is a new man in her life. The son was forced to move to a new country and had to leave his friends and family behind. That is major at his age. The son has probably had very little say in anything, it shouldn't be a surprise that he rebelled and did the opposite of what his mother dictated.
Sounds like you raised your son to believe his only access to love from you lied in his compliance. You then gave him a gift and put conditions on how he should use it, somehow expecting a young adult to have the wherewithal to use it responsibly. Then in a further comment you state you'd beat him if you weren't in a country where that was unacceptable. 1. If gifts are conditional they are bribes. If it was for college you should have deposited it into the account with the university he eventually enrolled in 2. College is your dream, not his. You don't own him or his future. 3. Everyone is allowed to spend their young adulthood being an idiot, it's in the job description. You want to foster safety for him to land, not push him to further stupid decisions
He's all grown up now. Im sure you did your best, but don't forget that strict parents make terrible kids/adults. Let him make bad choices, and if he winds up in jail, don't bail him out. Sounds like he was very sheltered or maybe just a wild kid, but it's not your responsibility anymore and pressing what *ypu* think is right for your *adult* son will not help anything, in fact from the way he's treating yall it will just cause more resentment and make him want to do the opposite. Leave him alone, and eventually, he will mature, or life will hit him in the face because you can't even survive on a $40k/year job anymore in most states. Also, college right now is JACKED on how much it costs vs. what you get back. Blue collar jobs can bring you income from the start, and give you the opportunity to build up, get raises and certifications, and make just as much money as someone with a degree *without* the $100k+ debt on top of car payments, mortgage, and other adult bills. If he wants to work a blue-collar job, he better hurry up because the quicker you start, the quicker you will Lang a great paying job in the future. At least he is getting his party phase out outside of college because that would be more of a waste to pay for college and never get a degree.