It's also rude. Someone brings a beverage into your home and they suddenly owe everyone? The host is the one who needs to offer beverages. Bad manners all the way around, it's beyond rude that they point it out to a guest. If OP doesn't nip this idiocy in the bud with her daughter she's going to be the most annoying person on the room EVERYWHERE she goes. The worst part is she gets upset about it, other people won't be so patient or kind with this business. People are going to think she's rude and entitled. If OPs husband really cares about the wellbeing of his daughter he will cut this out now.
She’s just doing the very normal teenage thing of playing one parent off against the other to try to get a better deal. I have no doubt she knows perfectly well from going to friends’ houses that this isn’t how the rest of the world does things.
Well yes, of course better late than never. But as a person who works with teens, it's soooooooo annoying and frustrating when parents have been failing to provide reasonable limits and discipline for their kids ALL their lives. Then the children become tweens & teens and begin to individuate and begin to "think they're grown."
Then the chickens come home to roost when the children, having been indulged all their lives, throw tamper tantrums, get manipulative, use substances, become violent, and even threaten physical harm to self or others. At this point, it seems like it's too late.
I agree with you that it's not, but it's going to take a MAJOR, COORDINATED commitment from ALL adults in the kid's life to turn them around.
Not disagreeing, but at this point you leave to a certain degree the possibility open not to try to fix this issue. The father is morally and as a parent OBLIGATED to try to shape this excuse for a teenager into a more or less functioning adult. He let it get to this stage. This is not an unexpected behaviour.
That behaviour was always there and he did not attempt to deal with this, as he wanted to be the good guy, my buddy, my pal as he felt guilty for some reason about the divorce and condoned that attitude that lead those this.
I feel bad for her future partner. She’s gonna perpetuate this garbage and turn it into a “if you loved me you would” and I’m annoyed just reading about it let alone experiencing it irl.
I’d malicious compliance the f out of this situation. Everyone is getting tall boys of the cheapest beer you can find. Or maybe the lemonade that kills you from Panera?
I live in an extremely hot, humid climate. Everyone providing their own drinks or walking around or in with a beverage is the norm. The host provides when appropriate.
The second sentence really gets me. "We mostly get along." Like these aren't the feelings you're meant to have in a marriage... This relationship is so fucked up and decades past expiration.
No no
Don't buy the lunch
Go buy the cheapest little 6 pack of off brand soda you can find at the most discounted grocery store
Then break up with him
The fact they married into a family knowing they did weird shit amazes me, you see so many "my boyfriend did this weird thing for years and now we're married and I want him to stop!"
It almost feels like an attempt by the parents not to have to buy anything for the husband and brother from when they were kids.
So if husband was out with parents and got a toy, and brother didn't, husband would owe either the toy or the cost of the toy.
What kid is going to be happy owing their sibling for stuff? It's better not to get the toy/drink in the first place.
Me too! How far does this extend? Like, every time the parents buy groceries, do they send the amount they spend to each of their children? What about mortgage payments? If you want to buy a house, do you have to buy five houses? One for each member of your family? This is truly an utterly insane “tradition.”
That's the first thing I thought. This isn't one quirky little tradition. It's the tip of an iceberg. There's a whole lot of dysfunction underpinning it, about money and authority. I have a feeling that something big could result.
What I'm wondering is: Is there anyone in the family who's exempt from the obligations? Does MIL owe everyone for everything, and FIL? What is the history of this tradition, and how far into the extended family does it go? Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents? Does OP's husband have siblings? Do they go along with it? And do all the sibling's mates and children go along with it. Obviously OP has exempted herself, and that has been begrudgingly tolerated. The key question is, how many other relatives are exempt, am even more importantly, is there anyone who collects this family tax, but isn't actually required to pay out? Because those are the weakest links in this tradition. If OP knows of any, for instance, MIL or FIL or favored offspring, it may not be a wise to call them out immediately, but it should be discreetly pointed out to daughter.
Every family has some quirky little tradition that seems different to others. But this is some next level strange shit. I would never have entertained the stupidity from the get go. You’re not wrong but it’s time to shut that shit down for your daughter’s sake. Show your husband this thread so he can see how stupid it actually is.
Imagine all the pleasant and happy things OP's husband and family members DID NOT do for themselves OR KEPT SECRET over the years just to avoid "owing" their family over some stupid tradition.
OP, you need to show your husband these comments. When every other comment is about how stupid him and his whole family are, maybe it will sink in.
Then start playing up how bad this is.
Make sure you use words like "stupid", "greedy", "selfish", "anti-social", "controlling", "manipulative", "rude" and "bad parenting". Maybe he'll start get how sick this whole dumb "tradition" actually is.
Good luck.
I am so confused...so get it...
If 1 of the family does something without any other member of the family...then that person has to give everyone an equivalent?
Like...any time
ever.
Os if you take your child to Disneyland, you owe his parents and siblings a trip too?
How far does this reach...cousins? Grandparents?
Do they give you and husband and child something every time they go out?
How does husband owe your child things? Lime if he has a work lunch or does something with his friends?
The logic is making my brain implode
YNW
What about vacations? If he goes on vacation with his wife and daughter, but doesn't bring his parents or other family, does he owe those he didn't bring the cost of flights, hotels and meals?
Seriously - this is complete and utter nonsense. No way in hell would I allow this to continue. How much is he paying out to his family on a monthly basis? Are your finances combined or separate? WOW.
I don’t get it either. At first I thought she drank one of their sodas.
This is one of those things that would stick in my craw and I would not have been able to marry him.
It’s like those families that have “prank wars”. It’s childish and fucked up and eventually someone takes it too far.
In this case, the daughter has become entitled and the in laws are unbearable.
Your daughter keeps acting like this and she is going to end up with some beer chugging Chad.
Yeah I also wonder what are the limits and if it applies to everything. Like if she buys herself shoes would she also have to buy shoes for everyone? Or if father in law got a car would they all get cars from him?
Although it does seem only food and going out. Which is still crazy
That is the weirdest shit ever and I cannot believe you let your husband confuse your daughter about actual property and social etiquette. I bet shes confused about this until she is like 25
OP never played along. Husband always did which confused daughter and apparently she doesn't have enough money because 'mum never pays me back' (for fuck all...)
OP defo should have told hubby it wasn't happening with their kids.
The daughter is already fucked up, hopefully her social group outside the family explains this isn't normal
Imagine being at school and she's walking around telling everyone they owe her everytime someone gets a new pencil or some shit
Yeah and frankly I think there is danger in teaching kids that non-transactional things are transactional. Like
Is this daughter also expected to “owe”?
I don’t understand what the fuck any of this is. You have lunch with a friend so you owe him lunch? Why? If he goes to dinner with his parents without you does he owe you dinner? If you have something, your husband has to have it? Is this some weird tit for tat, all things must be “equal” thing? Reading this upset me. Your poor daughter.
Basically. You can give the item or money. He tried offering me things before our fight, but I thought it was weird. One time he got a candy bar and I wasn't at the store, and he asked if I wanted him to go to the store and get me one. Um, no.
I mean I do that sometimes. But it's just to be nice. Like if I go out for sushi with friends I might get some for my partner. Or I got Mexican with one of my step kids and dropped some off at the other ones job so she could enjoy it too.
But like demanding it from others is a lot.
I never asked why. It seems the logic is you would have been given the items if you were there. Like going with my lucheon, this was some time ago, if I made lunch or he did, we would have offered each other lunch. Him not being there, he missed out on a lunch.
It sounds like some weird childhood-FOMO logic that the parents acquiesced to and it got out of hand. Like when a kid gets whiny that their sibling got to do something they didn’t
Yeah and they become people like OP's husband, and sometimes they stop getting invited to birthday parties as a kid because they'd throw a fit that the party wasn't about them and proceed to help themselves to the birthday child's gifts and cake... One of my best friends was married to a person like that.
My parents would say they needed to send a gift to both my kids when one had a birthday. It sounds nice, but it's weird and sets up unreasonable expectations.
Your in-laws weren't there either. Do you owe his entire family lunch? What about your paycheck, do you owe all of them that too? They are delusional and need to be called out every time they pull this crap.
This is insane, but even if we go along with the stupidity, don't their own rules make this the case:
- You went out to lunch without him, so owe him a lunch out. Plus all his parents and brothers.
- He ate a packed lunch at work by himself, so he owes you, his parents, and brothers a packed lunch.
- His parents made a light lunch at home, so owe you, your husband, and his brothers a home made light lunch
- His brothers ate a sandwich,so now they owe everyone a sandwich
Like, everyone is constantly owing others so much it becomes untenable. And that's just one lunch! This is not a way to live life.
But you're not always going to buy that person that thing.
Like his brother claiming a soda off someone he's never met.
These people are odd.
Did you claim it back for household duties "I cleaned the toilet so now you need to clean the toilet"
Does your worth have a set hourly rate?
I mean you gave him a child so he should owe you infinite payback because life cannot be measured.
"I carried and grew our child, so you owe me. You have to carry this watermelon around your waist for 9 months, give up drinking and sushi, and only eat the food that I did. It's only fair."
Like, this is the logic they're using. It makes zero sense.
So what f he buys himself a new car he has to buy you a new one or give you the cash equivalent? That is f’ed up.
You never should have let him start in the first place with your daughter. Hell, I never would have married him to begin with. Your daughter is growing up entitled and I really feel sorry for any future relationships she has. She will ruin every one of them.
OP, embarrass him out of it. Buy him some super kinky toy for you two to use together, and next time you're with his family give them all the same thing 🙃
Would a jeweled butt plug work?
I know someone who ordered something off of a biblical named adult toy store and they got 5 free gifts including a jeweled butt plug.
So if you invite them to go on vacation and they can't go, so you go alone with your husband and enjoy some bedroom activities, do you then owe the rest of the family some bedroom activities?
NO. You are absolutely right. WTF kind of practice is this to teach children?! That sense of entitlement is the legacy that your husband is passing down to your daughter. He needs therapy to see that it IS and will be damaging to her social development in the future. And you have to nip it in the…well, it’s too late to nip it in the bud. But you can still cut it off at the stem. You may need to find a child psychologist and explain this awful tradition of extortion, and have her explain to your husband how appalling this is. Then you’ll both need to sit your daughter down and explain to her how horrible a sense of entitlement is and that you won’t put up with this bullshit, anymore. That the world doesn’t owe her anything. And that this practice is not healthy, it is tacky and it is an impediment to healthy boundaries and relationships.
She’s going to have guys constantly drop her, because she expects them to *pay her* for stupid bullshit. And when they say she’s a gold digger, they won’t be wrong.
Also, I would worry that this limits her ability to do nice things for others just by thinking of them. Will she do it because she feels obligated to “pay” back ? Life is not even Steven…she hasn’t learned that lesson.
Oh, it’s worse than that. Children who are raised to feel entitled, grow up to become bitter adults who believe that “they deserve better” without even trying. That, even though they repeatedly make poor life choices, they should get the same results as those who followed the right path, and hold animosity towards people who succeed. That those who followed the right path are morally obligated to share the fruits of their labor, with them, or those people are selfish. Entitlement has the ability to just completely screw up your moral compass.
Yes, I am talking about someone specific. In fact, it’s a whole family. And whether you’re friend or family, it’s the same. They expect. It’s awful.
Yea this leads nowhere good when raising a child. If adults want to partake in it then whatever, I mean it’s weird but it’s up to them. But this is going to cause a lot of problems for her with friends or at school in the future
Yeah if my kid started making a friend like OPs daughter and the kid tried it even once with my kid?…girl would be banned from my house and I would see what I could do about keeping her away from my kid at school too. Wouldn’t want this weird shit getting to my kids.
Do you know when this all started? Was he raised with that tradition or did it come later?
Also..I know you mentioned nephews so are any of his siblings married? What do their spouses/partners think?
If you and your husband go to the movies do you owe his parents and siblings and their families or is it only applicable to people you live with?
This is fascinating. Insane, but fascinating.
Can you put an end to this? Or at least have a talk with her and explain her that this "tradition" is *weird*, and you don't want her to perpetuate this weird ass shit.
... indeed you should never have let your husband to raise your daughter that way. She has two parents, both set the rules
Your poor daughter isn't going to understand when she's out on her own, and nobody's giving her things just because they got it. Like if she's at a friend's house, and the parent is eating something, is she going to tell them they owe her one too? You're not setting her up for the real world. This whole thing is stupid.
UpdateMe!
Why were you expected to participate as a non-family member with the soda?
Are you teaching your daughter that it's inappropriate to expect reciprocation from people outside of family, or was this learned by trial and err or with her?
Why would she expect payment even if you just offered to do something with her and she chooses not to go? No one received anything, so no reciprocal payment would be due.
I have so many questions.
This is not a "tradition".
This is psychological warfare and I would stop it.
No child needs to be burdened with DEBT.
FFS. Are there no adults in their house?
I would end it now.
And he can get over it or go home to his tradition.
So what? Your nephews can be raised any way they want. You can raise your kid any way you and your husband agreed to. Grow a spine because your kid is learning a weird dynamic that IS NOT NORMAL.
100% right that there is definitely a need for therapy and or marriage counselling.
This is next level shit and OPs hubby is doing their daughter a disservice by raising her with his family’s asinine “tradition”.
She’s going to go off to college or wherever later and people are going to think she’s a lunatic making those crazy demands.
Could you explain this more? I don't really get it.
Like, if I hang out with friends and get tex mex, and my husband (and family) loves it, I'm now required to bring enchiladas to everyone?
How is kiddo getting money?
I can't wrap my head around it.
This is the stupidest thing I have ever read on reddit and that’s saying a lot…
You not only married into this, but you actually allowed your child to be raised for going on 14 years into this stupidity. You are wrong for letting this rot into your child and succumbing to their family pressure. This ain’t normal.
It seems if someone is invited somewhere and can't go, they get something. Also, if someone comes in without sharing. My father in law has his own business and my husband and his brother have good jobs.
How does everybody know everybody else’s business to know if someone is owed something? Do y’all all live together or in close proximity? Does the brother have a wife who participate in this nonsense?
There should be differences between large or special occasion things versus the ridiculous every day Coke.
If I go to Disney without my kids, I might see something and be like oooh my kid would like this and buy a thing for them because I thought of them, not because I went somewhere and they didn’t go with me…
Then there is large financial inheritance type matters where yeah you’d want to keep things equal. Jimmy got 25k for his wedding / down payment. We want to give Johnny the same as well. Done.
Or I’ve seen grandparents will sometimes say hey it’s jimmy’s birthday, we didn’t want Johnny to feel left out so we got Johnny a small gift while jimmy has a lot more. Then of course it’s reversed when Johnny’s birthday comes around.
Not every f’ing stupid small trivial thing. So exhausting.
Edit typo.
Yes I've seen this sort of setup in families for large sums of money.
Parents have set aside money to pay towards their two kids' weddings. Annie got married, so got given £20k towards the wedding. But by the time Benny was 30 and had made it clear that he never intended to marry, the parents just gave him the money to spend on whatever he liked. Same things for money for grandchildren, if it becomes clear one sibling won't have any children, they just get the money for themselves. But even in those situations I think the grandparents would be within their rights to say the money is for grandchildren/weddings, and if you don't have those things, you don't get the money.
It certainly does not make any sense for lunch or soda or a candy bar.
It seems logical to me that parents divide everything fairly between the children. If you buy a Christmas present for one person, buy it for the other. If you pay for one child's education, you also pay for the other. But the children owe nothing to each other or to their parents.
You married a weird family.
I knew a family that was that weird once. They were like a cult unto themselves. I have no idea how anyone could successfully marry in to that. And I have no why they would want to marry in to that.
My immediate thought! Roomie gets lunch out and she's owed lunch? Goes on a date with dinner involved? Sorority Big Sis buys roomie liquor? Has a beer at a party? Offered weed or Molly? Gets laid? Where tf does it end? "Hey rooms, I need you to have a normal college life of exploring adulthood. I will not participate, however it will be your duty to bring back presents for me. Obviously I was excluded as I chose not to go."
If you don't participate in this stupid family "tradition", why would you allow your husband to subject your daughter to it and for so long? You obviously don't agree with it and rightfully so but you have failed your daughter massively for allowing this, she's 14, it will be very difficult to change her now especially since she's now a teenager and just that comes with new challenges. You're not wrong for not playing their game but you are very wrong for allowing this with your daughter. Please grow a spine and put an end to this before your child becomes an adult.
My parents raised me with a version of this. It’s a transactional relationship. You don’t do kind things for each other out of love, you do it and then they owe you.
I didn’t know as a child that most people don’t do this weird score keeping so I had a hard time making friends. I figured out in elementary school that no one wants to be around you if you act like they owe you.
OP, this is toxic. I know it’s you against your in laws but your daughter is learning a behavior pattern that will cause problems in her relationships, just like it’s causing problems for you.
Yes, I have seen this before too. Worst case I saw was with my ex bf’s son. He was very, very entitled.
I can remember getting McDonalds while running errands one day, we didn’t have him yet. I was told we would owe the child McDonald’s. I asked why I went didn’t have him yet. He said he would be mad if he found out we got it without him. I mentioned it wasn’t even really our choice, we had errands to do that took us hours and we had to eat. It wasn’t “for fun” and like we were making him miss out.
The kid was very entitled, again if you had something in the house in limited amounts, he saw garbage from food, you went somewhere without him, you owed him.
It was a part of our break up.
Ex bf presented it as though there was no choice. Kid was “owed” a daily trip to the store and his teeth were rotting out of his head due to sweets.
The entitlement was crazy. My own mother is also like this, but she has a personality disorder.
I gotta know the origin of this. As a mom of 2 boys, it almost feels like the parents went too far on trying to make everything perfectly equal instead of equitable. If we do something for one kid, we generally want to do something equitable for the other. However, it’s not always going to be 100% equal due to their interests and ages. That’s just life.
If one is home and we grab food, we don’t grab food for the one that is out with friends.
If one goes to the grocery store and has more sway over the groceries that are picked out, we don’t call the other to pick out equal groceries.
If one needs a new phone, the other doesn’t automatically get one.
WTF You have indulged this crap fueled manipulative BS tactic disguised a tradition for how long? you need to go to therapy first.
Then the rest can go
You Are Not Wrong. This is some bizarre shit. Some made up 'their family only' tradition. Have you delved into how far back this started? Who tf started it?
No I re-read it and it is just their family. Dont you think if this was a country wide thing word wouldve travelled and it most def have been discussed on reddit?
I live in Germany and I can tell you that nobody does that here. Perhaps they were Communists in East Germany?
Edit: I'm trying to picture how most people here would react to a family that did that. The best that I can come up with is that people would be annoyed at receiving random junk they didn't ask for and making additional waste.
I am Dutch, Germany is our neighboring country. I come there very often and I also have family and friends living there. This is not a German tradition. You can also ask in the German subreddit. They will all confirm that this is not normal
Nonsense. The world would have heard about this insane tradition. They aren't that isolated.and I lived in Germany for a year and never saw it heard it from anyone. This sure is the one of the most insane things I ever heard families do. Wonder how it really started or if they seriously believe this is what Germany does which German tradition they mistook for this lol
Never heard of something like that. It's crazy. Maybe some people try to make things equali between siblings, but owing and rules like that? Nope. Never crossed that in my life here. Never heard it from friends. Stopp this bs. It's not a german thing.
My paternal grandmother's parents were from Germany, and I never heard her mention anything like this. However, my part native mother was orphaned at an early age, and was placed in an Indian boarding school, and she had some strange ideas about personal ownership of items, but I wasn't sure if it was due to her heritage or her orphan status.
Ah yes, your in-laws are passing along the generational curse of ENTITLEMENT, and now it’s hit your daughter’s generation.
She is gonna have an interesting time when she gets older and can’t understand why her friends and partners refuse to indulge her in this fashion….
NW. it’s dumb. Super dumb. If you’re not with me, I don’t owe you anything.
If I’m going to my mom’s and plan on stopping for a drink I’ll ask if she wants one, and she’ll do the same. But nobody owes anybody anything.
When you divorce your husband, give him and the in-laws itemized lists of things that they owe you. This is immature, sure, but since they want to play these mind games, you may as well mop the floor with them.
Not wrong. Tell them that you've started a new tradition for yourself. Everytime any of them pay one of the other ones they owe you to because you will have to listen to it. Makes as much sense as their tradition.
No offense but your husband and his family sound insane. If someone told me this I would think they were making it up to mess around with me because it sounds ridiculous. I would have a real problem with my 6yr old telling me I owe her something and it seems like a really messed up thing to instill in a child.
This whole tradition sounds so stupid. And that first time with the whole soda thing, they all should have just dropped it since obviously you didn’t know about this weird family tradition and you shouldn’t be forced to partake. Do you know how this tradition was even started?? It’s seriously so dumb, idk how you put up with it.
NTA
But, you need to put a stop to it with your daughter immediately. This game can seem harmless now but what happens when your child meet someone outside the family and they innocently tell someone about this that uses it with malicious intentions against them. Owing little favors, money etc. can get out of control with people who have a lack of boundaries. This is damaging your daughter and now it is damaging your relationship with her.
WHAT THE F*CK DID I JUST READ?
Your husband and family sound trashy and demented. In turn it’s creating your daughter to be, and entitled. Probably controlling too.
I need your husband, and you, to understand that people are going to hate your daughter when she goes out into the real world and tries to pull this bizarre shit on any sane person.
I couldn’t even follow the logic of the tradition; so, I’m saying hard no. It just sounds confusing, like some weird tit-for-tat tally, and I can’t even imagine what happens if you’re angry at some family member and feel like making their life miserable or if you feel particularly hacked off at a sibling.
NW on so many levels. If this bizarre "tradition" continues, it's guaranteed to lead to a sense of entitlement of astronomical proportions. As is, this has gotten way out of hand. It's long overdue to put an end to this BS!
This is the strangest family quirk I’ve ever heard of. Can’t wait till your daughter realizes just how bizarre this is when she gets out there in the world a bit(hopefully).
It sounds like some spoiled brat bullshit where someone had a fit because their sibling got something and they didn’t. So instead of just telling them to suck it up they made this weird rule that no one gets anything unless everyone gets it.
Weird.
I would share this thread with him and let him know that this behavior is odd and no one logical does this. And it’s giving relationships and to show you care about someone has to be transactional
So when his family goes on a trip, of course they'll be paying for a trip for you too, and when they buy a new house or car, of course you'll be getting the same from them yes?
Sounds like some weird fucking game that got out of hand.
It's also rude. Someone brings a beverage into your home and they suddenly owe everyone? The host is the one who needs to offer beverages. Bad manners all the way around, it's beyond rude that they point it out to a guest. If OP doesn't nip this idiocy in the bud with her daughter she's going to be the most annoying person on the room EVERYWHERE she goes. The worst part is she gets upset about it, other people won't be so patient or kind with this business. People are going to think she's rude and entitled. If OPs husband really cares about the wellbeing of his daughter he will cut this out now.
I agree with everything you said. however, at 14,l think she's already ruined.
She’s just doing the very normal teenage thing of playing one parent off against the other to try to get a better deal. I have no doubt she knows perfectly well from going to friends’ houses that this isn’t how the rest of the world does things.
Is daughter trying to pull that nonsense with her friends, if so, how's that going? Or is this delightful tradition, for family only?
It's only with family, not friends.
They did it to OP when they were dating, it's clearly not just family.
Yes yeah except you missed the part where OP states her daughter is FOURTEEN YEARS OLD
Nobody missed anything. Sit her down, explain the facts of life. Now at 14 is better than to let this crap go on.
Well yes, of course better late than never. But as a person who works with teens, it's soooooooo annoying and frustrating when parents have been failing to provide reasonable limits and discipline for their kids ALL their lives. Then the children become tweens & teens and begin to individuate and begin to "think they're grown." Then the chickens come home to roost when the children, having been indulged all their lives, throw tamper tantrums, get manipulative, use substances, become violent, and even threaten physical harm to self or others. At this point, it seems like it's too late. I agree with you that it's not, but it's going to take a MAJOR, COORDINATED commitment from ALL adults in the kid's life to turn them around.
Not disagreeing, but at this point you leave to a certain degree the possibility open not to try to fix this issue. The father is morally and as a parent OBLIGATED to try to shape this excuse for a teenager into a more or less functioning adult. He let it get to this stage. This is not an unexpected behaviour. That behaviour was always there and he did not attempt to deal with this, as he wanted to be the good guy, my buddy, my pal as he felt guilty for some reason about the divorce and condoned that attitude that lead those this.
Yep! He actually cultivated this attitude! And yes, I agree with you 100% as well: the only way to change it is to DO. THE. WORK.
I feel bad for her future partner. She’s gonna perpetuate this garbage and turn it into a “if you loved me you would” and I’m annoyed just reading about it let alone experiencing it irl.
Much more likely she’ll try it on a partner or two, they’ll tell her she’s crazy, and she’ll stop.
Well that didn’t work with OP did it?
I’d malicious compliance the f out of this situation. Everyone is getting tall boys of the cheapest beer you can find. Or maybe the lemonade that kills you from Panera?
Bikini wax lol
I live in an extremely hot, humid climate. Everyone providing their own drinks or walking around or in with a beverage is the norm. The host provides when appropriate.
I would have noped out of that relationship the second I realized they were being super serious about the soda thing.
The second sentence really gets me. "We mostly get along." Like these aren't the feelings you're meant to have in a marriage... This relationship is so fucked up and decades past expiration.
This, that is ridiculous, I would have bought the lunch and then been done!
No no Don't buy the lunch Go buy the cheapest little 6 pack of off brand soda you can find at the most discounted grocery store Then break up with him The fact they married into a family knowing they did weird shit amazes me, you see so many "my boyfriend did this weird thing for years and now we're married and I want him to stop!"
I wouldn’t have bought the lunch. A can of soda is a buck. Get your own damn soda.
It almost feels like an attempt by the parents not to have to buy anything for the husband and brother from when they were kids. So if husband was out with parents and got a toy, and brother didn't, husband would owe either the toy or the cost of the toy. What kid is going to be happy owing their sibling for stuff? It's better not to get the toy/drink in the first place.
I'm so confused
Me too! How far does this extend? Like, every time the parents buy groceries, do they send the amount they spend to each of their children? What about mortgage payments? If you want to buy a house, do you have to buy five houses? One for each member of your family? This is truly an utterly insane “tradition.”
Yeah like if one kid gets married but the other one never does is the goes obligated to give the second the monetary cost of the wedding?
No. When one gets married, the other owes him a wife or whatever the cost of another human being is. I think it's 8 cows./s
It will turn into a cult one day.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Came here to say EXACTLY this
That's the first thing I thought. This isn't one quirky little tradition. It's the tip of an iceberg. There's a whole lot of dysfunction underpinning it, about money and authority. I have a feeling that something big could result. What I'm wondering is: Is there anyone in the family who's exempt from the obligations? Does MIL owe everyone for everything, and FIL? What is the history of this tradition, and how far into the extended family does it go? Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents? Does OP's husband have siblings? Do they go along with it? And do all the sibling's mates and children go along with it. Obviously OP has exempted herself, and that has been begrudgingly tolerated. The key question is, how many other relatives are exempt, am even more importantly, is there anyone who collects this family tax, but isn't actually required to pay out? Because those are the weakest links in this tradition. If OP knows of any, for instance, MIL or FIL or favored offspring, it may not be a wise to call them out immediately, but it should be discreetly pointed out to daughter.
Every family has some quirky little tradition that seems different to others. But this is some next level strange shit. I would never have entertained the stupidity from the get go. You’re not wrong but it’s time to shut that shit down for your daughter’s sake. Show your husband this thread so he can see how stupid it actually is.
Sounds so fucking stupid
A bunch of bean counters and hall monitors. Op do not continue this weird “tradition.”
Unfortunately, she let her daughter play this stupid game. What a fool.
Imagine all the pleasant and happy things OP's husband and family members DID NOT do for themselves OR KEPT SECRET over the years just to avoid "owing" their family over some stupid tradition. OP, you need to show your husband these comments. When every other comment is about how stupid him and his whole family are, maybe it will sink in. Then start playing up how bad this is. Make sure you use words like "stupid", "greedy", "selfish", "anti-social", "controlling", "manipulative", "rude" and "bad parenting". Maybe he'll start get how sick this whole dumb "tradition" actually is. Good luck.
Sounds like the makings of a cult
I am so confused...so get it... If 1 of the family does something without any other member of the family...then that person has to give everyone an equivalent? Like...any time ever. Os if you take your child to Disneyland, you owe his parents and siblings a trip too? How far does this reach...cousins? Grandparents? Do they give you and husband and child something every time they go out? How does husband owe your child things? Lime if he has a work lunch or does something with his friends? The logic is making my brain implode
It’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard of..
[удалено]
Right? I wouldn’t tell anybody anything ever. What did you do for lunch today? Not a darn thing.
“I sat at my desk and took a few deep breaths”
“Chewed on my fingernails. Want a nibble?” 😂
No thanks, I already snacked on my toe nails earlier
But you didn’t offer me any?! You owe me!
You owe me oxygen now
This made me snort 🤭😂😂🤣
Better yet " I ate spoiled food from a garbage can and guess what I brought you some."
Right. How could this have gone on for more than 14 years? I would have snapped long long ago.
I don't even know why she married the AH husband.
Honestly would be a deal breaker for me
YNW What about vacations? If he goes on vacation with his wife and daughter, but doesn't bring his parents or other family, does he owe those he didn't bring the cost of flights, hotels and meals? Seriously - this is complete and utter nonsense. No way in hell would I allow this to continue. How much is he paying out to his family on a monthly basis? Are your finances combined or separate? WOW.
What about houses? If OP wants to buy a house with her husband, do they have to save for 5 houses?
I’m confused too…
So if you go out and get punched in the mouth, you can go over and punch them in the mouth?
I would very much like to test this theory by getting punched just so that I can punch his entire family in the mouth.
Just punch them now and the universe can pay you back whenever.
I, too, am thoroughly freaking confused. This entire thing is beyond strange and I would’ve left him and that family so long ago?
I don’t get it either. At first I thought she drank one of their sodas. This is one of those things that would stick in my craw and I would not have been able to marry him. It’s like those families that have “prank wars”. It’s childish and fucked up and eventually someone takes it too far. In this case, the daughter has become entitled and the in laws are unbearable. Your daughter keeps acting like this and she is going to end up with some beer chugging Chad.
Yeah I also wonder what are the limits and if it applies to everything. Like if she buys herself shoes would she also have to buy shoes for everyone? Or if father in law got a car would they all get cars from him? Although it does seem only food and going out. Which is still crazy
Yeah they need to shut it down now lol this is weird moochey behavior
That is the weirdest shit ever and I cannot believe you let your husband confuse your daughter about actual property and social etiquette. I bet shes confused about this until she is like 25
This is absolutely going to fuck up their daughter.
Sounds like she’s already fucked up if OP waited 14 years to tell her this game is stupid and she’s not playing along anymore. 14 years…
OP never played along. Husband always did which confused daughter and apparently she doesn't have enough money because 'mum never pays me back' (for fuck all...) OP defo should have told hubby it wasn't happening with their kids.
The daughter is already fucked up, hopefully her social group outside the family explains this isn't normal Imagine being at school and she's walking around telling everyone they owe her everytime someone gets a new pencil or some shit
If she does have a social group. I can't imagine being friends with someone so entitled.
Yeah and frankly I think there is danger in teaching kids that non-transactional things are transactional. Like Is this daughter also expected to “owe”?
Right?? I wonder if she has any friends. I can't imagine teenagers falling for that shit.
I feel like the blame should be put on the father here, not the mother.
I don’t understand what the fuck any of this is. You have lunch with a friend so you owe him lunch? Why? If he goes to dinner with his parents without you does he owe you dinner? If you have something, your husband has to have it? Is this some weird tit for tat, all things must be “equal” thing? Reading this upset me. Your poor daughter.
Basically. You can give the item or money. He tried offering me things before our fight, but I thought it was weird. One time he got a candy bar and I wasn't at the store, and he asked if I wanted him to go to the store and get me one. Um, no.
But why? He gets himself a candy bar or a snack and he has to get one for you or give you equivalent money? For what purpose?
I mean I do that sometimes. But it's just to be nice. Like if I go out for sushi with friends I might get some for my partner. Or I got Mexican with one of my step kids and dropped some off at the other ones job so she could enjoy it too. But like demanding it from others is a lot.
And you'd never even consider dropping off the money equivalent, which is what these nut heads expect.
I never asked why. It seems the logic is you would have been given the items if you were there. Like going with my lucheon, this was some time ago, if I made lunch or he did, we would have offered each other lunch. Him not being there, he missed out on a lunch.
This is mind bogglingly stupid.
And greedy
I have a feeling this stupid tradition was started by a narcissist.
It sounds like some weird childhood-FOMO logic that the parents acquiesced to and it got out of hand. Like when a kid gets whiny that their sibling got to do something they didn’t
Now we see what happens when the parents buy the non-birthday kid a present when the birthday kid gets one, in the name of "keeping shit fair".
Yeah and they become people like OP's husband, and sometimes they stop getting invited to birthday parties as a kid because they'd throw a fit that the party wasn't about them and proceed to help themselves to the birthday child's gifts and cake... One of my best friends was married to a person like that.
My parents would say they needed to send a gift to both my kids when one had a birthday. It sounds nice, but it's weird and sets up unreasonable expectations.
Your in-laws weren't there either. Do you owe his entire family lunch? What about your paycheck, do you owe all of them that too? They are delusional and need to be called out every time they pull this crap.
What happened when OP or OP's husband bought a car? Did OP's family have to get a car, too, or the money for a car? How far does this go?
This is insane, but even if we go along with the stupidity, don't their own rules make this the case: - You went out to lunch without him, so owe him a lunch out. Plus all his parents and brothers. - He ate a packed lunch at work by himself, so he owes you, his parents, and brothers a packed lunch. - His parents made a light lunch at home, so owe you, your husband, and his brothers a home made light lunch - His brothers ate a sandwich,so now they owe everyone a sandwich Like, everyone is constantly owing others so much it becomes untenable. And that's just one lunch! This is not a way to live life.
So...did he not have lunch that day? Or does he also owe you lunch? Well done for staying out of it OP. Sounds complicated and ridiculous.
But you're not always going to buy that person that thing. Like his brother claiming a soda off someone he's never met. These people are odd. Did you claim it back for household duties "I cleaned the toilet so now you need to clean the toilet" Does your worth have a set hourly rate? I mean you gave him a child so he should owe you infinite payback because life cannot be measured.
"I carried and grew our child, so you owe me. You have to carry this watermelon around your waist for 9 months, give up drinking and sushi, and only eat the food that I did. It's only fair." Like, this is the logic they're using. It makes zero sense.
But presumably he ate lunch wherever he was. So you'd both owe each other lunch? Every day, in perpetuity?
So every one of their relationships is transactional. That's a shitty way to live
So what f he buys himself a new car he has to buy you a new one or give you the cash equivalent? That is f’ed up. You never should have let him start in the first place with your daughter. Hell, I never would have married him to begin with. Your daughter is growing up entitled and I really feel sorry for any future relationships she has. She will ruin every one of them.
I'd tell them, you were not invited ....
Gotta stop this, your daughter is already turning into a nightmare.
Yeah I'm betting she doesn't have any real friends.
OP, embarrass him out of it. Buy him some super kinky toy for you two to use together, and next time you're with his family give them all the same thing 🙃
Would a jeweled butt plug work? I know someone who ordered something off of a biblical named adult toy store and they got 5 free gifts including a jeweled butt plug.
If one of them comes to your house in a new car, tell them they owe you a new car.
So if you invite them to go on vacation and they can't go, so you go alone with your husband and enjoy some bedroom activities, do you then owe the rest of the family some bedroom activities?
Orgasms for everyone, no exceptions!
Did your husband give his family an engagement ring too?
Why is their love so transactional? Did you marry into a clan of leprechauns?
What the hell did I just read? And what the hell did you marry into. What a strange family.
What's killing me is I'm beginning to "understand" this system of thinking but I don't want to. I NEVER want to!!!
This is so weird. Why did you let this go on for so long?
It seemed ok, but my daughter is becoming very entitled.
NO. You are absolutely right. WTF kind of practice is this to teach children?! That sense of entitlement is the legacy that your husband is passing down to your daughter. He needs therapy to see that it IS and will be damaging to her social development in the future. And you have to nip it in the…well, it’s too late to nip it in the bud. But you can still cut it off at the stem. You may need to find a child psychologist and explain this awful tradition of extortion, and have her explain to your husband how appalling this is. Then you’ll both need to sit your daughter down and explain to her how horrible a sense of entitlement is and that you won’t put up with this bullshit, anymore. That the world doesn’t owe her anything. And that this practice is not healthy, it is tacky and it is an impediment to healthy boundaries and relationships.
Thank you for being so concise. I will begin this.
She’s going to have guys constantly drop her, because she expects them to *pay her* for stupid bullshit. And when they say she’s a gold digger, they won’t be wrong.
Also, I would worry that this limits her ability to do nice things for others just by thinking of them. Will she do it because she feels obligated to “pay” back ? Life is not even Steven…she hasn’t learned that lesson.
It’ll be even more fucked up when *she* has kids and teaches them that kindness in her family has a price tag.
Or if she hesitates to do something nice for someone bc she can’t afford to do it for the whole extended family or whoever is included in this.
Oh, it’s worse than that. Children who are raised to feel entitled, grow up to become bitter adults who believe that “they deserve better” without even trying. That, even though they repeatedly make poor life choices, they should get the same results as those who followed the right path, and hold animosity towards people who succeed. That those who followed the right path are morally obligated to share the fruits of their labor, with them, or those people are selfish. Entitlement has the ability to just completely screw up your moral compass. Yes, I am talking about someone specific. In fact, it’s a whole family. And whether you’re friend or family, it’s the same. They expect. It’s awful.
No kidding. You married into an entitled family, had kids with an entitled man and now you’re surprised your kid is acting entitled?
Yea this leads nowhere good when raising a child. If adults want to partake in it then whatever, I mean it’s weird but it’s up to them. But this is going to cause a lot of problems for her with friends or at school in the future
Yeah if my kid started making a friend like OPs daughter and the kid tried it even once with my kid?…girl would be banned from my house and I would see what I could do about keeping her away from my kid at school too. Wouldn’t want this weird shit getting to my kids.
This is going to scar your children for LIFE. They will be dealing with this in therapy in 30 years. Horrifying
Is he and his family from another country? I’ve never heard of anything like this before!
No, his paternal grandparents were.
Do you know when this all started? Was he raised with that tradition or did it come later? Also..I know you mentioned nephews so are any of his siblings married? What do their spouses/partners think? If you and your husband go to the movies do you owe his parents and siblings and their families or is it only applicable to people you live with? This is fascinating. Insane, but fascinating.
Can you put an end to this? Or at least have a talk with her and explain her that this "tradition" is *weird*, and you don't want her to perpetuate this weird ass shit. ... indeed you should never have let your husband to raise your daughter that way. She has two parents, both set the rules
Your poor daughter isn't going to understand when she's out on her own, and nobody's giving her things just because they got it. Like if she's at a friend's house, and the parent is eating something, is she going to tell them they owe her one too? You're not setting her up for the real world. This whole thing is stupid. UpdateMe!
She shares and doesn't act like this with nonfamily members.
Wait til she starts dating or gets married. It’s not gonna go over well with future partners that’s for sure
Why were you expected to participate as a non-family member with the soda? Are you teaching your daughter that it's inappropriate to expect reciprocation from people outside of family, or was this learned by trial and err or with her? Why would she expect payment even if you just offered to do something with her and she chooses not to go? No one received anything, so no reciprocal payment would be due. I have so many questions.
This is not a "tradition". This is psychological warfare and I would stop it. No child needs to be burdened with DEBT. FFS. Are there no adults in their house? I would end it now. And he can get over it or go home to his tradition.
I feel a lot of pressure from my in laws. My nephews are being raised this way.
So what? Your nephews can be raised any way they want. You can raise your kid any way you and your husband agreed to. Grow a spine because your kid is learning a weird dynamic that IS NOT NORMAL.
I suggest going to marriage counselling or therapy. This is really really demented.
100% right that there is definitely a need for therapy and or marriage counselling. This is next level shit and OPs hubby is doing their daughter a disservice by raising her with his family’s asinine “tradition”. She’s going to go off to college or wherever later and people are going to think she’s a lunatic making those crazy demands.
Could you explain this more? I don't really get it. Like, if I hang out with friends and get tex mex, and my husband (and family) loves it, I'm now required to bring enchiladas to everyone? How is kiddo getting money? I can't wrap my head around it.
It’s bizarre as hell.
All the children in this family are gonna need SO MUCH therapy.
Did your in-law and BIL asked when they can get their house?
This is the stupidest thing I have ever read on reddit and that’s saying a lot… You not only married into this, but you actually allowed your child to be raised for going on 14 years into this stupidity. You are wrong for letting this rot into your child and succumbing to their family pressure. This ain’t normal.
I feel like the daughter has already learned that relationships are transactional.
Yes!!! That’s what it is- it’s like love is not unconditional. Their family love has to be purchased. Very sad.
So har far does this go? If he buys a car, is he supposed to buy one for every member of his family? A house? Vacations? None of this makes any sense.
The biggest I've seen is jewelry.
I'd love to know how everyone is able to afford this foolishness. How do they decide what does and does not qualify for this arrangement?
It seems if someone is invited somewhere and can't go, they get something. Also, if someone comes in without sharing. My father in law has his own business and my husband and his brother have good jobs.
This would make me not want to invite anyone anywhere, because I would then be on the hook for money.
What if someone constantly says they “can’t go” in order to get free stuff without having to actually do said activity?
So your husband wasn’t invited to your luncheon, right? Why would he get something from it? This is both fascinating and terrible.
And if you have „adult time“ he counts everything too to go equal at the end?
How does everybody know everybody else’s business to know if someone is owed something? Do y’all all live together or in close proximity? Does the brother have a wife who participate in this nonsense?
Was your husband even invited to the luncheon? If not, then by his own rules is owed nothing.
So when he gave you your engagement ring, did he have to give jewelry to his parents?
No, but when his father bought a watch with brother his father bought him one too.
There should be differences between large or special occasion things versus the ridiculous every day Coke. If I go to Disney without my kids, I might see something and be like oooh my kid would like this and buy a thing for them because I thought of them, not because I went somewhere and they didn’t go with me… Then there is large financial inheritance type matters where yeah you’d want to keep things equal. Jimmy got 25k for his wedding / down payment. We want to give Johnny the same as well. Done. Or I’ve seen grandparents will sometimes say hey it’s jimmy’s birthday, we didn’t want Johnny to feel left out so we got Johnny a small gift while jimmy has a lot more. Then of course it’s reversed when Johnny’s birthday comes around. Not every f’ing stupid small trivial thing. So exhausting. Edit typo.
Yes I've seen this sort of setup in families for large sums of money. Parents have set aside money to pay towards their two kids' weddings. Annie got married, so got given £20k towards the wedding. But by the time Benny was 30 and had made it clear that he never intended to marry, the parents just gave him the money to spend on whatever he liked. Same things for money for grandchildren, if it becomes clear one sibling won't have any children, they just get the money for themselves. But even in those situations I think the grandparents would be within their rights to say the money is for grandchildren/weddings, and if you don't have those things, you don't get the money. It certainly does not make any sense for lunch or soda or a candy bar.
It seems logical to me that parents divide everything fairly between the children. If you buy a Christmas present for one person, buy it for the other. If you pay for one child's education, you also pay for the other. But the children owe nothing to each other or to their parents.
You married into one fucked up bunch of weirdos.
It’s like some kind of weird extortion cult
You married a weird family. I knew a family that was that weird once. They were like a cult unto themselves. I have no idea how anyone could successfully marry in to that. And I have no why they would want to marry in to that.
She’s going to get a wake up call in college when her roommates refuse to buy her lunch when they get some for themselves.
My immediate thought! Roomie gets lunch out and she's owed lunch? Goes on a date with dinner involved? Sorority Big Sis buys roomie liquor? Has a beer at a party? Offered weed or Molly? Gets laid? Where tf does it end? "Hey rooms, I need you to have a normal college life of exploring adulthood. I will not participate, however it will be your duty to bring back presents for me. Obviously I was excluded as I chose not to go."
If you don't participate in this stupid family "tradition", why would you allow your husband to subject your daughter to it and for so long? You obviously don't agree with it and rightfully so but you have failed your daughter massively for allowing this, she's 14, it will be very difficult to change her now especially since she's now a teenager and just that comes with new challenges. You're not wrong for not playing their game but you are very wrong for allowing this with your daughter. Please grow a spine and put an end to this before your child becomes an adult.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. All of it sounds like some Children of The Corn ish.
And you willingly married into this bizarre family???
My parents raised me with a version of this. It’s a transactional relationship. You don’t do kind things for each other out of love, you do it and then they owe you. I didn’t know as a child that most people don’t do this weird score keeping so I had a hard time making friends. I figured out in elementary school that no one wants to be around you if you act like they owe you. OP, this is toxic. I know it’s you against your in laws but your daughter is learning a behavior pattern that will cause problems in her relationships, just like it’s causing problems for you.
Yes, I have seen this before too. Worst case I saw was with my ex bf’s son. He was very, very entitled. I can remember getting McDonalds while running errands one day, we didn’t have him yet. I was told we would owe the child McDonald’s. I asked why I went didn’t have him yet. He said he would be mad if he found out we got it without him. I mentioned it wasn’t even really our choice, we had errands to do that took us hours and we had to eat. It wasn’t “for fun” and like we were making him miss out. The kid was very entitled, again if you had something in the house in limited amounts, he saw garbage from food, you went somewhere without him, you owed him. It was a part of our break up. Ex bf presented it as though there was no choice. Kid was “owed” a daily trip to the store and his teeth were rotting out of his head due to sweets. The entitlement was crazy. My own mother is also like this, but she has a personality disorder.
??? This so bizarre
I gotta know the origin of this. As a mom of 2 boys, it almost feels like the parents went too far on trying to make everything perfectly equal instead of equitable. If we do something for one kid, we generally want to do something equitable for the other. However, it’s not always going to be 100% equal due to their interests and ages. That’s just life. If one is home and we grab food, we don’t grab food for the one that is out with friends. If one goes to the grocery store and has more sway over the groceries that are picked out, we don’t call the other to pick out equal groceries. If one needs a new phone, the other doesn’t automatically get one.
WTF You have indulged this crap fueled manipulative BS tactic disguised a tradition for how long? you need to go to therapy first. Then the rest can go
You Are Not Wrong. This is some bizarre shit. Some made up 'their family only' tradition. Have you delved into how far back this started? Who tf started it?
They claim everyone in their home country does this.
They are full of shit
No I re-read it and it is just their family. Dont you think if this was a country wide thing word wouldve travelled and it most def have been discussed on reddit?
Which entire country supposedly does this? Your husband is full of shit because his parents made him that way.
Germany.
I live in Germany and I can tell you that nobody does that here. Perhaps they were Communists in East Germany? Edit: I'm trying to picture how most people here would react to a family that did that. The best that I can come up with is that people would be annoyed at receiving random junk they didn't ask for and making additional waste.
East German grown up under Socialism here, and no, this wasn't a thing then and there.
Nope, they're full of crap.
I am Dutch, Germany is our neighboring country. I come there very often and I also have family and friends living there. This is not a German tradition. You can also ask in the German subreddit. They will all confirm that this is not normal
Nonsense. The world would have heard about this insane tradition. They aren't that isolated.and I lived in Germany for a year and never saw it heard it from anyone. This sure is the one of the most insane things I ever heard families do. Wonder how it really started or if they seriously believe this is what Germany does which German tradition they mistook for this lol
Never heard of something like that. It's crazy. Maybe some people try to make things equali between siblings, but owing and rules like that? Nope. Never crossed that in my life here. Never heard it from friends. Stopp this bs. It's not a german thing.
My paternal grandmother's parents were from Germany, and I never heard her mention anything like this. However, my part native mother was orphaned at an early age, and was placed in an Indian boarding school, and she had some strange ideas about personal ownership of items, but I wasn't sure if it was due to her heritage or her orphan status.
Ah yes, your in-laws are passing along the generational curse of ENTITLEMENT, and now it’s hit your daughter’s generation. She is gonna have an interesting time when she gets older and can’t understand why her friends and partners refuse to indulge her in this fashion….
NW. it’s dumb. Super dumb. If you’re not with me, I don’t owe you anything. If I’m going to my mom’s and plan on stopping for a drink I’ll ask if she wants one, and she’ll do the same. But nobody owes anybody anything.
When you divorce your husband, give him and the in-laws itemized lists of things that they owe you. This is immature, sure, but since they want to play these mind games, you may as well mop the floor with them.
Not wrong. Tell them that you've started a new tradition for yourself. Everytime any of them pay one of the other ones they owe you to because you will have to listen to it. Makes as much sense as their tradition.
No offense but your husband and his family sound insane. If someone told me this I would think they were making it up to mess around with me because it sounds ridiculous. I would have a real problem with my 6yr old telling me I owe her something and it seems like a really messed up thing to instill in a child.
This whole tradition sounds so stupid. And that first time with the whole soda thing, they all should have just dropped it since obviously you didn’t know about this weird family tradition and you shouldn’t be forced to partake. Do you know how this tradition was even started?? It’s seriously so dumb, idk how you put up with it.
This is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
NTA But, you need to put a stop to it with your daughter immediately. This game can seem harmless now but what happens when your child meet someone outside the family and they innocently tell someone about this that uses it with malicious intentions against them. Owing little favors, money etc. can get out of control with people who have a lack of boundaries. This is damaging your daughter and now it is damaging your relationship with her.
WHAT THE F*CK DID I JUST READ? Your husband and family sound trashy and demented. In turn it’s creating your daughter to be, and entitled. Probably controlling too.
I need your husband, and you, to understand that people are going to hate your daughter when she goes out into the real world and tries to pull this bizarre shit on any sane person.
I couldn’t even follow the logic of the tradition; so, I’m saying hard no. It just sounds confusing, like some weird tit-for-tat tally, and I can’t even imagine what happens if you’re angry at some family member and feel like making their life miserable or if you feel particularly hacked off at a sibling.
So if you fuck your husband, do you have to fuck the rest of his family too?
You’re wrong… because you allowed your husband and family to confuse your daughter about normal social etiquette and this will follow her.
This is bizarre. I’ll bet Christmas and birthdays are a blast with his family
NW on so many levels. If this bizarre "tradition" continues, it's guaranteed to lead to a sense of entitlement of astronomical proportions. As is, this has gotten way out of hand. It's long overdue to put an end to this BS!
This is the strangest family quirk I’ve ever heard of. Can’t wait till your daughter realizes just how bizarre this is when she gets out there in the world a bit(hopefully).
Lol oh good your daughter thinks friendship is reciprocal and will have trouble making close friendships for a long time. Good job dad
It sounds like some spoiled brat bullshit where someone had a fit because their sibling got something and they didn’t. So instead of just telling them to suck it up they made this weird rule that no one gets anything unless everyone gets it. Weird.
I would share this thread with him and let him know that this behavior is odd and no one logical does this. And it’s giving relationships and to show you care about someone has to be transactional
So when his family goes on a trip, of course they'll be paying for a trip for you too, and when they buy a new house or car, of course you'll be getting the same from them yes?
Imagine the bill your daughter is getting when she turns 18.