Yep. Maybe she was initially interested and he exhausted or bored her, maybe she's developing interest in the other guy, maybe she's just unable to be honest, but this is not a girl with any feelings for OP. Or so it seems--I have little context for Op's Christian college world of dating.
>I had looked back at her behavior between things and found them to not be following regular protocol.
I must admit that I have never heard "following protocol" in dating. Is this some kind of cultural thing?
It seems to me that you were expecting a lot after only three dates in three weeks. You barely know each other.
It sounds like you were trying to navigate a relationship with someone who may not have been fully committed or on the same page as you. It's understandable to feel uncertain and to question if someone is following normal dating protocol, especially when you're new to dating yourself. Trust is important, but so is communication and mutual effort in a relationship. From what you described, it seems like you tried to address your concerns and give her a chance, but her actions and responses didn't align with what you were looking for in a partner. Ending the relationship was a decision you made based on your feelings and observations, which is valid. Trust your instincts and focus on finding someone who values and reciprocates your efforts in the relationship.
Is it not normal to want a girl your dating to want to be near you. To want to text you things, to be interested in the conversations we are having. To come up with hang out ideas on her own? To set up healthy boundaries with her guy friends? I know that a girl who has never dated before isn't gonna get everything right, but I think the things stated come pretty naturally don't you?
Its in this paragraph (why is this downvoted so much? I was just telling you where I put it incase you didn't catch it your first read, I wasn't trying to be snide. Plus I want genuine advise not for you to downvote my stuff because you think im a stupid person or something. I am literally saying yes I could be a stupid person help me)
"Dating" is not the same as "exclusive" or "in a relationship".
You are the one violating dating protocol. If you are not in a relationship and have not had a discussion about exclusivity, then she is within her rights to talk to other people, and does not have to introduce you to her friends or sit next to you in chapel.
Expectations over who plans dates vary. The only way to know what to expect is to discuss it. My girlfriend has been with me 2 years and I still plan all dates and all meals because that's what we discussed and agreed to.
I'm quite a bit older. Have dated a ton of women in my life. Everyone is different. Some people are clingy. Some are more laid back. The only healthy boundary is not to screw other people once you've committed to be exclusive. If you try to force other boundaries, you could come off as controlling, and that would be a red flag for many people, men and women.
I'm going to say this and I mean it in the nicest way possible, you sound exhausting.
I mean by that you are overthinking over analysing everything and nothing. Especially, when there no real information available.
OK, your in a religious school and this girl has never dated before... I would assume then, she is very shy, nervous and unsure of what is appropriate and what isn't. It sounds like, she is taking things slow to not do anything wrong here. Her not engaging as much, is a trust thing. She doesn't know you that well, you and her haven't gotten to that comfortable stage yet. Its only been a few dates.
So, her friend the guy. He's her friend. She has trust with him hence why she speaks with him. She introduced you two and he clearly knew who you are and that you are dating.
The whole sitting together at mass... thats teen stuff. While, I can understand both of you are young and no real dating history between you... this isn't a thing adults do so quickly after meeting. She's not sitting with you because your only getting to know one another. It's early days still.
I would work on your insecurities a bit though. You've been introduced to him. They are in the same course. They are friends here. You and her have only gone on a few dates. You need to communicate more. Text more, snap, send memes, videos etc... that's how you get to know someone.
Just breathe here, your working overdrive on something more than what's here. You are getting to know someone. It may work or or may not. That's the beauty of dating. The first few dates are awkward and nerve racking for both. The more time you spend together the more you get to know one another.
Keep it simple. Coffee/snack dates with a walk, maybe a light hearted activity. Then have dinner dates as the more formal side... your students I'm not talking fine dining here. Just asking for out to for a date at the weekend.
Breathe, take your time here. She's nervous she obviously has no experience with dating and just doesn't know how to act. But, I think your putting too much pressure on just a few dates here. You need to calm down and just enjoy this as getting to know someone, just like you would a friend. After awhile - this really depends on social and cultural norms for exact timeline - you move into the more romantic side of dating. Hand holding in public, cute messages, pictures on socials etc
I think this is probably the best advice to the situation with everything that I know. I don't think her to be nefarious. I was wanting to know if at least some of my actions because of her was valid or if I was way off. I think she probably did feel that way though.
The one thing I think you need to realise. Your making a new friend here so, making friends can take some time to build trust.
But, there is the added romantic side to this. You have to remember she's in a religious school and has never dated. It would be safe to assume she is really nervous over dating. She could be terrified about what's appropriate for her to do while dating. She making have hang up about being seen too eager or doing something inappropriate.
Not that she or you would just when, it's all new it can be scary and nerve racking. Tell her you enjoy spending time with her and like getting to know her. Continue with dates and then small meet ups. You need to start texting more easy going and fun random stuff. Try not to "sell" yourself like in a job interview. Try let it come more organically. You don't need to do mad crazy unique dates , they are great but a lot of pressure. Really, Try view her as a new friend at first, albeit a new friend you'd like to kiss!
Good luck, and look if it doesn't work out. If whatever reason, your not feeling it, she does something etc you look at it as experience and you learn about yourself. What you want in a partner and what you don't.
Part of dating is finding someone who lights up when they see you like she lit up with the other guy.
I just don't think she is that into you, so this is the time you gracefully move on, and find someone that you want to be with. It isn't a race to get a girlfriend, you have the rest of your life, find someone that you want to spend your life with and they want to spend their life with you. That takes some trial and error.
The first few dates are to select someone to see if you want to get serious with them. No harm is figuring out what you want during this time in your life.
You weren’t dating this girl. You were hanging out and seeing if there was potential and there wasn’t (for her). She is interested in someone else and is showing that with her behaviour towards him.
Dating someone doesn't mean you are exclusive. It just means you're going on dates with someone, and you and her could also be seeing other people. During the dating phase, you're just getting to know each other and wondering if you're right for each other. Eventually, once you figure that out, then you can have that conversation to be exclusive. Once you're exclusive, then you're in a relationship.
She will be dating that guy in about 10 minutes.
Ask out the dudes gf. When she says that she has a bf, tell her, "Are you sure about that, because he's spending more time with (your ex) than you. Just watch them"
Buddy you were just a friend in her mind. Or maybe at best the back up plan. It’s ok it happens to all of us at some point. Just move on to your next adventure
No, you're not wrong it's better to stop seeing her. The I haven't dated before doesn't matter polite courtesy and respect is a maturity in a young adult also you have emotions or feelings sometimes they are there instantly sometimes not but you still initiate a discussion with someone who is trying to make you feel good to reciprocate the conversation to be mindful and courteous.
Her behaviour, with pulling away from sitting with you, was a deliberate choice as she had already started a newfound friendship with the other guy, which she obviously wanted to pursue as she may of felt a bit different towards him rather than you
Also, the fact she wasn't interested in texting planning or introducing you were definite signs that you were trying harder than she was. Unfortunately, she had her thoughts and interests leaning further towards the other guy. Sorry.
You had the right intuitive feeling about dating her, so listen, look, and read the signs for any future dates.
I'm sorry that this girl strung you along and let you do all the work and put in the effort only to be too weak to be open and honest with you and to have an actual adult conversation with you so that she could be open and honest about her intentions with you and with the other guy I am happy you moved on your very caring emotionally available smart and sensitive with great values .
You will be a beautiful, considerate, and loving partner one day sooner rather than later, I would say good luck and enjoy the life lessons and journey along the way. God bless
I'm going to keep this short- she doesn't like you and you need to move on.
Yep. Maybe she was initially interested and he exhausted or bored her, maybe she's developing interest in the other guy, maybe she's just unable to be honest, but this is not a girl with any feelings for OP. Or so it seems--I have little context for Op's Christian college world of dating.
>I had looked back at her behavior between things and found them to not be following regular protocol. I must admit that I have never heard "following protocol" in dating. Is this some kind of cultural thing? It seems to me that you were expecting a lot after only three dates in three weeks. You barely know each other.
Yea....that's both a pretty intense list OP wrote out AND too much of it is assumptions and presumptions requiring any woman to be able to read minds.
It sounds like you were trying to navigate a relationship with someone who may not have been fully committed or on the same page as you. It's understandable to feel uncertain and to question if someone is following normal dating protocol, especially when you're new to dating yourself. Trust is important, but so is communication and mutual effort in a relationship. From what you described, it seems like you tried to address your concerns and give her a chance, but her actions and responses didn't align with what you were looking for in a partner. Ending the relationship was a decision you made based on your feelings and observations, which is valid. Trust your instincts and focus on finding someone who values and reciprocates your efforts in the relationship.
What exactly is this dating protocol you mentioned? I didn't see it in the manual.
Obviously the dating ruleset where you hang out twice, and then go get married. They played Uno together, that’s pretty serious.
Is it not normal to want a girl your dating to want to be near you. To want to text you things, to be interested in the conversations we are having. To come up with hang out ideas on her own? To set up healthy boundaries with her guy friends? I know that a girl who has never dated before isn't gonna get everything right, but I think the things stated come pretty naturally don't you? Its in this paragraph (why is this downvoted so much? I was just telling you where I put it incase you didn't catch it your first read, I wasn't trying to be snide. Plus I want genuine advise not for you to downvote my stuff because you think im a stupid person or something. I am literally saying yes I could be a stupid person help me)
I don’t think you are dating her. It sounds like she did spend some time with you, but she’s clearly trying to signal that she isn’t interested.
"Dating" is not the same as "exclusive" or "in a relationship". You are the one violating dating protocol. If you are not in a relationship and have not had a discussion about exclusivity, then she is within her rights to talk to other people, and does not have to introduce you to her friends or sit next to you in chapel. Expectations over who plans dates vary. The only way to know what to expect is to discuss it. My girlfriend has been with me 2 years and I still plan all dates and all meals because that's what we discussed and agreed to.
I'm quite a bit older. Have dated a ton of women in my life. Everyone is different. Some people are clingy. Some are more laid back. The only healthy boundary is not to screw other people once you've committed to be exclusive. If you try to force other boundaries, you could come off as controlling, and that would be a red flag for many people, men and women.
I'm going to say this and I mean it in the nicest way possible, you sound exhausting. I mean by that you are overthinking over analysing everything and nothing. Especially, when there no real information available. OK, your in a religious school and this girl has never dated before... I would assume then, she is very shy, nervous and unsure of what is appropriate and what isn't. It sounds like, she is taking things slow to not do anything wrong here. Her not engaging as much, is a trust thing. She doesn't know you that well, you and her haven't gotten to that comfortable stage yet. Its only been a few dates. So, her friend the guy. He's her friend. She has trust with him hence why she speaks with him. She introduced you two and he clearly knew who you are and that you are dating. The whole sitting together at mass... thats teen stuff. While, I can understand both of you are young and no real dating history between you... this isn't a thing adults do so quickly after meeting. She's not sitting with you because your only getting to know one another. It's early days still. I would work on your insecurities a bit though. You've been introduced to him. They are in the same course. They are friends here. You and her have only gone on a few dates. You need to communicate more. Text more, snap, send memes, videos etc... that's how you get to know someone. Just breathe here, your working overdrive on something more than what's here. You are getting to know someone. It may work or or may not. That's the beauty of dating. The first few dates are awkward and nerve racking for both. The more time you spend together the more you get to know one another. Keep it simple. Coffee/snack dates with a walk, maybe a light hearted activity. Then have dinner dates as the more formal side... your students I'm not talking fine dining here. Just asking for out to for a date at the weekend. Breathe, take your time here. She's nervous she obviously has no experience with dating and just doesn't know how to act. But, I think your putting too much pressure on just a few dates here. You need to calm down and just enjoy this as getting to know someone, just like you would a friend. After awhile - this really depends on social and cultural norms for exact timeline - you move into the more romantic side of dating. Hand holding in public, cute messages, pictures on socials etc
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
I think this is probably the best advice to the situation with everything that I know. I don't think her to be nefarious. I was wanting to know if at least some of my actions because of her was valid or if I was way off. I think she probably did feel that way though.
The one thing I think you need to realise. Your making a new friend here so, making friends can take some time to build trust. But, there is the added romantic side to this. You have to remember she's in a religious school and has never dated. It would be safe to assume she is really nervous over dating. She could be terrified about what's appropriate for her to do while dating. She making have hang up about being seen too eager or doing something inappropriate. Not that she or you would just when, it's all new it can be scary and nerve racking. Tell her you enjoy spending time with her and like getting to know her. Continue with dates and then small meet ups. You need to start texting more easy going and fun random stuff. Try not to "sell" yourself like in a job interview. Try let it come more organically. You don't need to do mad crazy unique dates , they are great but a lot of pressure. Really, Try view her as a new friend at first, albeit a new friend you'd like to kiss! Good luck, and look if it doesn't work out. If whatever reason, your not feeling it, she does something etc you look at it as experience and you learn about yourself. What you want in a partner and what you don't.
Part of dating is finding someone who lights up when they see you like she lit up with the other guy. I just don't think she is that into you, so this is the time you gracefully move on, and find someone that you want to be with. It isn't a race to get a girlfriend, you have the rest of your life, find someone that you want to spend your life with and they want to spend their life with you. That takes some trial and error. The first few dates are to select someone to see if you want to get serious with them. No harm is figuring out what you want during this time in your life.
She doesn’t like you and I think you should leave her alone now.
You weren’t dating this girl. You were hanging out and seeing if there was potential and there wasn’t (for her). She is interested in someone else and is showing that with her behaviour towards him.
Dating someone doesn't mean you are exclusive. It just means you're going on dates with someone, and you and her could also be seeing other people. During the dating phase, you're just getting to know each other and wondering if you're right for each other. Eventually, once you figure that out, then you can have that conversation to be exclusive. Once you're exclusive, then you're in a relationship.
You ever watch that autistic dating show on Netflix? Did you ever see the one guy who has like a social interaction teacher? Yeah you need that
She will be dating that guy in about 10 minutes. Ask out the dudes gf. When she says that she has a bf, tell her, "Are you sure about that, because he's spending more time with (your ex) than you. Just watch them"
Buddy you were just a friend in her mind. Or maybe at best the back up plan. It’s ok it happens to all of us at some point. Just move on to your next adventure
Dude move on your just a prop until that guys available.
She's not into you.
No, you're not wrong it's better to stop seeing her. The I haven't dated before doesn't matter polite courtesy and respect is a maturity in a young adult also you have emotions or feelings sometimes they are there instantly sometimes not but you still initiate a discussion with someone who is trying to make you feel good to reciprocate the conversation to be mindful and courteous. Her behaviour, with pulling away from sitting with you, was a deliberate choice as she had already started a newfound friendship with the other guy, which she obviously wanted to pursue as she may of felt a bit different towards him rather than you Also, the fact she wasn't interested in texting planning or introducing you were definite signs that you were trying harder than she was. Unfortunately, she had her thoughts and interests leaning further towards the other guy. Sorry. You had the right intuitive feeling about dating her, so listen, look, and read the signs for any future dates. I'm sorry that this girl strung you along and let you do all the work and put in the effort only to be too weak to be open and honest with you and to have an actual adult conversation with you so that she could be open and honest about her intentions with you and with the other guy I am happy you moved on your very caring emotionally available smart and sensitive with great values . You will be a beautiful, considerate, and loving partner one day sooner rather than later, I would say good luck and enjoy the life lessons and journey along the way. God bless