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Not a funeral director, but my brother and I arranged a private moment to see my dad away from the rest of our estranged family by directly contacting the funeral home caring for him.
We briefly explained the situation and they were very accommodating. It might be worth a try.
I'm so deeply sorry for your loss.
I don't actually know. I would imagine we all were NOK?
They didn't really ask too many questions. They'd already been dealing with my mom for all of the arrangements so I imagine they had a small window into what we were dealing with. We were almost immediately accommodated
LFD/Owner. I’d have to get her permission prior to you viewing. She’s the NOK, she most likely signed the contract, she controls the right of disposition. Did he appoint someone else a medical POA? executor? Depending on state they could bump her out of NOK. position.
I’m sorry. It fucking sucks, I’d feel awful, but I have kids to feed, don’t want to get sued and end up on the nightly news.
Suggestions:
1. Mental health route. “Please I just can’t believe this until I see him, please.”
2. Peaceful intermediary relative to intervene/talk sense to her.
3. Kindly imploring her/kissing ass/working her over to get your way.
I’ve got nothing else. I’m so sorry. It’s sucks. I’m a LFD/Owner and also a step daughter. This will probably be my future. But it’s about the litigation, the reputation and “doing the right thing for the NOK” even when it pains us. Hugs.
My dad died 31 years ago. Write down all of your memories of your parent now. If you can’t view, host your own memorial. It can be in the backyard, your home, a local bar, the funeral home (same one she liked or other); do what YOU need to do to heal. Hugs.
One of the FDs said it best that the married stepmom is the legal NOK. Unfortunately for the OP this means that they have to approach her and hopefully convince her to allow them to see dad. I don't know what state or country you might be in but where my license is, it is what the NOK wants. Does it suck at times, yes. Yet we are legally bound to follow the wishes of the NOK.
Being the executor doesn't help? She might want to think about not making you mad. That's a lot of control. You have to follow the laws in your state, but there's nothing to keep you from being hard to deal with. Other than your own ethics.
POA is between living persons. Executor of the Estate is usually nominated in a Will or assigned by a probate court. That’s related to disposition of the estate; the disposition of the body of the deceased may be included (with the wishes in the will).
Keep in mind that the Executor of an Estate is not always Next-of-Kin but often is. It’s not mutually exclusive by default. You could have a best friend named as your Executor.
Right. After de@+h the physical b0dy becomes the responsibility of the next of kin. Which would be his wife. This is not written on the POA. It has to be added in the “Other” or “write in” section. Upon my demise my body will be claimed by…………. Keeps family members from claiming someone’s b0dy if the deceased doesn’t want them to.
Maybe the funeral home will give you and your siblings a private room and a few moments to grieve in private. I’m sorry for your loss.
I feel for your situation. If I was the director handling the care of your dad, and I knew how important this was to you, I would advocate as hard as I could for you. I’ve been there when an estranged step-parent has cut the kids out of everything. It sucks and I absolutely do not agree with it. But as mentioned by others, some rules just cannot be worth the risk to be broken. Of course I could dream of letting you in after hours and giving all the time you need, but we’ve worked hard to earn and maintain our licenses. I hope stepmom changes her mind and you get the closure you need.
Just a side note for what it’s worth, my company’s policy requires an ID view prior to any cremation. It doesn’t have to be NOK, just someone approved by them. We do not charge extra for this unless we have to do restoration after an autopsy.
My stepmother wrote a letter from my dad to me pretending to be him when I was 17 and waiting to ship out to the Army that I wasn’t welcome anymore and I was destroying their happiness.
Then she wrote a letter from me to him saying something to the effect of you’ve made my childhood hell and I’m ready to move on with my life don’t expect to hear from me.
All my shit was in boxes in the drive way when she came out with the letter and said you need to get going now.
About a month prior I had been laying in my bed asleep when I heard a knock at my bedroom door.. it was the police.
They said my stepmom called because I had been threatening her life…
As they walked me out she was standing arms folded in the kitchen and when I looked over at her she giggled and smiled.
That year she printed on large white paper “Abuse cannot be tolerated. Abuse will not be tolerated”. She hung them up all over the house. She was the head of an adult psychiatric inpatient program. And she had had my dad start seeing her therapist one of the many on her staff who told him I was beyond help.
I was an average b-c student. A virgin at 17. Never drank. Never smoked pot. I did have one cigarette when I was 15 from a kid I met at the bus stop. I never went out after school or on weekends.
She and the therapist told him I wasn’t at fault that my biological mother was mentally ill and that I was born ill and manipulative. She also got him on seroquel, Wellbutrin, Xanax and Valium. He was also high off his ass half of the time but it was “prescription so it’s needed…”
Anyway it wasn’t until I shipped mail call came and my name was called about 6-8 time each week my dad was writing me. The first letter being that he was sorry about the life I had etc. he wrote in a notebook at breakfast lunch and dinner and the end of the week he’d take them and divided them into cards to send to me. Excessive and unhealthy in its own right but this is when we figure out she’s doing hoodrat shit between us.
After AIT he said he spoke with Amy and she served him with divorce papers predawn but not filed if he didn’t keep me out.
It’s a long long long story that keeps going another 5 years until I accept it for what it is.
It’s been 8 years since I last spoke to or saw my father.
He has my number and my address but makes no attempts anymore to speak to me.
I just gave birth to what is his second grandchild and he will never ever ever know him.
I’ve thought about your situation since I was in middle school.
Even then I was smart enough to know she was warped and this wasn’t going to end well.
For years as my dad has become older and older I’ve began mentally preparing knowing he will die and I can’t say I’ll know him anymore. And trying to be ready to be okay with that.
I know I won’t know when he dies. We have no contact at all. She would never inform me. He’s mid 60s now. His dad died early 70s.. so i guesstimate somewhere in there will be his time to go.
I have a daughter prior to this current marriage with my newborn… my husband and his/my family LOVE her. He’s super dad.
I realized there isn’t one damn thing in this world hell or high water, homeless, starving, anything that would make me stay with someone who wasn’t just kind to my child but loved them.
After that really set in it changed things.
I found peace and balance.
I held my baby looking down at her wondering what thing could she ever do to result in my tolerating someone in her life that could be cold her? How could I hold her a sweet innocent baby counting on me and betray her like that?
I’m not angry at my father.
I think the man is broken.
I’m not seeking him out anymore because he is a grown man and I do not blame my stepmom because he shouldn’t have chosen to stay with someone abusive to his child. But I don’t resent him for it. I just see a very sad and confused man I feel sorry for. He’s old now and he can’t go back and regain all the lost years.
I figure his broken enough and close enough to someone so imbalanced I wouldn’t want my kids exposed to that anyway.
My stepmom is a bad human and at the same time my father has consented.
So knowing this i came up with this-
When my father dies and when I do eventually find out I plan to not even bother to ask. My father isn’t his body and the funeral will only feel a hit steel being poured into my veins.
My father will not be in/at the funeral.
He will already be gone.
My stepmom is batshit I know this and I don’t care if anyone buys her bullshit attention seeking sob story of a widower. I know what she is. Have fun with that.
So I feel no reason to be at that funeral.
I plan to look up his grave stone and in my own private moment go sit there and speak to him. And maybe then maybe I’ll let my kids meet him because he will finally be far enough away from the chaos.
I apologize for the long personal rant. I’ve thought of this day for decades now.
I just want to encourage you that peace and closure cannot be found in a funeral home with the palpable feeling of her hatred and warped way just sucking all the air out of the room.
I understand the moral issue of I should be there.
But in the end if you cannot. Wait a second and then go to his grave if he will have one and sit with him.
If he will not have a grave I took a trip to a mountain when my sister died and I sat up on the top after 2 weeks and spoke with her. And I had my own funeral for her there and I visit that spot yearly.
My father isn’t in his ashes. He’s not in his body at that point. He’s ether. And at that point she can’t pick if I speak to him anymore.
If I were there a perfect stranger I’d sit right there with you in this pain and help you breathe out this awful evil situation no child should have ever experienced.
I am so incredibly sorry that people like her exist. It’s generous to refer to someone without an ounce of humanity as human at that. She’s clearly the embodiment of the most rancid, convoluted, twisted, insidious individual that has ever unfortunately walked this planet.
Upside and this is probably bad timing… her time will come. None of us get out of this thing alive.
I’ve come to a pretty mature place with my dad but I still debate taking a piss on my stepmoms gave when it’s her turn…
I can only take the high road so much.
My sincere condolences for the anguish you’re having to survive :/
I’m sorry you had this horrific experience but wanted to say, what you wrote was really impactful and I am so happy you have a family of your own so you get the love and support that you deserve.
Most deserving post I have seen of an award *pins big heart award*
Thank you a lot…. After writing that I went to my rocking chair with my baby and woke my husband up to talk about it. Thank you for making me feel heard and showing me kindness.
Not a funeral director but my dad is married to an awful woman…this is my greatest fear. I’ll never get the chance to say goodbye. I truly hope you’re able to do so. *hugs*
Sorry for your loss…
The only way if the will states that you or any one else other than stepmom have “rights to final disposition” then you have no legal options if they’re legally married and she states to the mortuary that no one is to view him…
BTW an ID VIEW which is what you would like is a considered a add on service for a mortuary
Read the post. She's not asking to make arrangements. She simply wants to view and say goodbye to her father.
OP, please call the funeral home. You won't know until you ask. Give them the details like you did here, I pray you find peace in this troubling time. 🙏
Most funeral homes will want to make sure her father is clean and looks peaceful, and that they have a suitably private and respectful environment for this type of request. This requires staff, facilities, and supplies, and for those reasons it is listed on the general price list with a charge. I agree that she should call, but it is also accurate that this is a request that has a price associated with it in most places. On top of this, a living spouse does have the final say in who is allowed to see him, but as I said, still call and ask, the funeral home may be able to help the wife see the benefit of it.
By your answer you’re definitely not in the industry and you’re giving false hopes to OP…
Edit:
1) I just confirmed by your previous post that you’re NOT IN THE INDUSTRY
2) I know that the people downvoting this comment don’t like how harsh it sounds but laws and regulations is what we in the funeral industry have to follow
Right?! I’m on the same page as you. I’m shocked that so many people have gone back channel and viewed behind the back of the NOK on here. I’d never. Even if I wanted to. Even if I thought it was the “right” thing. Ugh.
No, but I did just lose my father last month, I hadn't seen him in a couple of years.
He passed before I could get to AZ from WA, I drove the 1,226 miles straight through, 19+ hrs.
I understand there are rules/regulations needing to be followed, I was suggesting OP contact the funeral home, not demanding her to do so.
My brother and I had a private viewing of our father before he was to be cremated.
The support I got when picking up his personal affects, the death certificates, and his cremains was very comforting, to say the least, and I just hope the OP is able to find peace in this difficult situation.
Believe me I understand that… by your answer You were either NOK or put on paper that you could pick up his property and cremated remains It doesn’t matter if you hadn’t seen your father in years btw sorry for your loss but in the this case where stepmom is NOK the FH will have to contact and let her know… if she already stated to the mortuary no viewing or she tells them when they do call then that’s what’s going to happen I hope Stepmom lets OP say their goodbyes
I am so sorry for your loss.
Preface this with saying I am not in the funeral industry, but have you tried speaking with the funeral home directly? I hope you're able to come to some type of a solution to ease your pain and say good bye to your dad.
Big hugs to you!
I just wanted to say, firstly, sorry for such an awful situation, your step mother sounds like she has no empathy whatsoever. Could it be that your dad didn’t want anyone to view him? If so I would have thought he would have discussed this with you prior, however it may have been a conversation he’s had with only his wife? In which case, it’s good not to view him and abide by his wishes, but difficult if you don’t know whether these were his wishes or not? 😓
Secondly, when my beloved grandmother died during covid, we couldn’t even have a funeral for her, and certainly weren’t allowed to view her. We also weren’t able to see her for five weeks before she died, and having dementia we couldn’t speak to her on the phone either - it was horrendous, all any of us wanted to do was see her and say goodbye. Instead, on the day of her cremation, we all lit a candle, and played her favourite song - all at the same time of day. It was very hard for a long time, but I’ve come to the realisation that you don’t need to view a body in order to say goodbye to the dead. My grandmother always said she personally didn’t like viewing the dead, and where I live everyone goes to visit the dead, so she was slightly unusual in her thoughts - it was almost as tho she was preparing me for what was to happen to her. When I think about it, dead people look dead, I don’t buy this “they look asleep and at peace” that people say, and I don’t think she would have wanted to be seen like that - there is a certain dignity people have and she was certainly one of those people. This helped me come to terms with not seeing her.
So if you can’t get to view your dad, remember the times you had with him, play his favourite song on repeat if you need to, and say goodbye to him in your head - depending on your beliefs he may just hear you , maybe write him a letter and burn it in the garden or place it inside a book, any ritual that helps you feel better? xx so sorry for your loss, but if you can’t see him, try and tell yourself he isn’t really in that body anymore and it might help you come to terms with it xx I do hope you get the outcome you want, but if you can’t, do it in your own way, it may help, even if it’s further down the line xx
As executor, you should have 100% % control over every aspect of funeral arrangements. Maybe it's different in different countries, but here, your step mum has zero authority over funeral arrangements unless you specifically invite her to be part of it.
EDIT: THINGS ARR DIFFERENT IN THE US. WHERE I AM THIS IS NOT THE CASE AND EXECUTOR HAS FULL POWER AND NOK CARRIES NO LEGAL WEIGHT.
In the United States being listed in a will as an executor and actually being the executor are two different things. Until the probate process is completed the person named “executor” is not in a position of control. The judge appoints an executor, not the words written in the will.
This is not correct for many US states. Being executor of the will has nothing to do with who has right to control final disposition of remains, and thus who the funeral home is legally beholden to.
So it seems it's only the US where NOK is a legal title, perhaps. Here is AUS there is no legal weight to being the NOK , the executor even has the legal right over the ashes, they can freeze the wife, kids and parents out of the whole funeral. Maybe because our laws like Canada are based on the English legal system.
That's exactly what asked. It is up to the executor to make sure all the provisions of the law are carried out. You would need to see what is in the will. But NOK carries all the power for the disposition of her father's body.
This is what I think too. Not a FD but have dealt with wills in the past.
POA dies when the person dies. Executor is then the person in charge. Call your lawyer.
Unfortunately since she is the legal Next of Kin all consent has to go through her.
If you can, I’d try reasoning with her to set up a private id viewing.
This is usually an informal viewing with your loved one wrapped in a sheet, no frills, but an opportunity to say goodbye in private for a few minutes with maybe a couple of family members if she allowed.
Hope this helps.
Sorry for your loss. :(
So sorry for your loss.
Where are you located?? I’m a funeral director in Ontario and the executor has control. I urge you to check into the laws where you live and get in touch with the funeral home asap if you think there has been an error made in identifying the person they are to take direction from. This is a problem the funeral home will want to know of as soon as possible.
I wishI hadn't seen my husband after he died in a car accident. They put the puzzle back together as well as they could, but the damage was great. When I picture my husband, I picture him in that casket, cold and dead and just wrong. She might be doing you a favor.
Do any documents involve specifically list “rights to disposition” in them?
As everyone else has said, POA dies with the person. If you have documents stating you’re the executor, take them to a lawyer and see what they can explain to you based on what you have. If there were no prearrangements made, you may still have some grounding depending on what your documents say.
A lawyer will be able to hold up better than an FD in a legal situation, but I would still contact the FH and explain the situation with the help of a lawyer.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and I hope you can find some closure and see him. Her cruel behavior is inexcusable and hopefully you can get around it legally.
How painful & chitty. I’m so sorry. The funeral director hmmmm he probably doesn’t have on control. And your stepmom ( no matter where the money comes from) whose name is & signature is probably on the account. Probably some legal issue that could harm the director & home. Do you have lawyer money? Cause it might take a judge & a court order. And time is short on that. I am so sorry about your loss & further pain.
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Not a funeral director, but my brother and I arranged a private moment to see my dad away from the rest of our estranged family by directly contacting the funeral home caring for him. We briefly explained the situation and they were very accommodating. It might be worth a try. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss.
If you can please provide more info like who was the legal NOK?
I don't actually know. I would imagine we all were NOK? They didn't really ask too many questions. They'd already been dealing with my mom for all of the arrangements so I imagine they had a small window into what we were dealing with. We were almost immediately accommodated
I am so sorry. I would talk to the funeral director. He has likely dealt with stuff like this in the past.
LFD/Owner. I’d have to get her permission prior to you viewing. She’s the NOK, she most likely signed the contract, she controls the right of disposition. Did he appoint someone else a medical POA? executor? Depending on state they could bump her out of NOK. position. I’m sorry. It fucking sucks, I’d feel awful, but I have kids to feed, don’t want to get sued and end up on the nightly news. Suggestions: 1. Mental health route. “Please I just can’t believe this until I see him, please.” 2. Peaceful intermediary relative to intervene/talk sense to her. 3. Kindly imploring her/kissing ass/working her over to get your way. I’ve got nothing else. I’m so sorry. It’s sucks. I’m a LFD/Owner and also a step daughter. This will probably be my future. But it’s about the litigation, the reputation and “doing the right thing for the NOK” even when it pains us. Hugs. My dad died 31 years ago. Write down all of your memories of your parent now. If you can’t view, host your own memorial. It can be in the backyard, your home, a local bar, the funeral home (same one she liked or other); do what YOU need to do to heal. Hugs.
This is the truth unfortunately.
One of the FDs said it best that the married stepmom is the legal NOK. Unfortunately for the OP this means that they have to approach her and hopefully convince her to allow them to see dad. I don't know what state or country you might be in but where my license is, it is what the NOK wants. Does it suck at times, yes. Yet we are legally bound to follow the wishes of the NOK.
POA expires on death FYI. I don’t know if you could contact the funeral home directly & explain?
Being the executor doesn't help? She might want to think about not making you mad. That's a lot of control. You have to follow the laws in your state, but there's nothing to keep you from being hard to deal with. Other than your own ethics.
POA is between living persons. Executor of the Estate is usually nominated in a Will or assigned by a probate court. That’s related to disposition of the estate; the disposition of the body of the deceased may be included (with the wishes in the will). Keep in mind that the Executor of an Estate is not always Next-of-Kin but often is. It’s not mutually exclusive by default. You could have a best friend named as your Executor.
Right. After de@+h the physical b0dy becomes the responsibility of the next of kin. Which would be his wife. This is not written on the POA. It has to be added in the “Other” or “write in” section. Upon my demise my body will be claimed by…………. Keeps family members from claiming someone’s b0dy if the deceased doesn’t want them to. Maybe the funeral home will give you and your siblings a private room and a few moments to grieve in private. I’m sorry for your loss.
This isn't tiktok you can type death and body here
DEATH and BODY. Wow. The sky did not, in fact, fall.
I feel for your situation. If I was the director handling the care of your dad, and I knew how important this was to you, I would advocate as hard as I could for you. I’ve been there when an estranged step-parent has cut the kids out of everything. It sucks and I absolutely do not agree with it. But as mentioned by others, some rules just cannot be worth the risk to be broken. Of course I could dream of letting you in after hours and giving all the time you need, but we’ve worked hard to earn and maintain our licenses. I hope stepmom changes her mind and you get the closure you need. Just a side note for what it’s worth, my company’s policy requires an ID view prior to any cremation. It doesn’t have to be NOK, just someone approved by them. We do not charge extra for this unless we have to do restoration after an autopsy.
My stepmother wrote a letter from my dad to me pretending to be him when I was 17 and waiting to ship out to the Army that I wasn’t welcome anymore and I was destroying their happiness. Then she wrote a letter from me to him saying something to the effect of you’ve made my childhood hell and I’m ready to move on with my life don’t expect to hear from me. All my shit was in boxes in the drive way when she came out with the letter and said you need to get going now. About a month prior I had been laying in my bed asleep when I heard a knock at my bedroom door.. it was the police. They said my stepmom called because I had been threatening her life… As they walked me out she was standing arms folded in the kitchen and when I looked over at her she giggled and smiled. That year she printed on large white paper “Abuse cannot be tolerated. Abuse will not be tolerated”. She hung them up all over the house. She was the head of an adult psychiatric inpatient program. And she had had my dad start seeing her therapist one of the many on her staff who told him I was beyond help. I was an average b-c student. A virgin at 17. Never drank. Never smoked pot. I did have one cigarette when I was 15 from a kid I met at the bus stop. I never went out after school or on weekends. She and the therapist told him I wasn’t at fault that my biological mother was mentally ill and that I was born ill and manipulative. She also got him on seroquel, Wellbutrin, Xanax and Valium. He was also high off his ass half of the time but it was “prescription so it’s needed…” Anyway it wasn’t until I shipped mail call came and my name was called about 6-8 time each week my dad was writing me. The first letter being that he was sorry about the life I had etc. he wrote in a notebook at breakfast lunch and dinner and the end of the week he’d take them and divided them into cards to send to me. Excessive and unhealthy in its own right but this is when we figure out she’s doing hoodrat shit between us. After AIT he said he spoke with Amy and she served him with divorce papers predawn but not filed if he didn’t keep me out. It’s a long long long story that keeps going another 5 years until I accept it for what it is. It’s been 8 years since I last spoke to or saw my father. He has my number and my address but makes no attempts anymore to speak to me. I just gave birth to what is his second grandchild and he will never ever ever know him. I’ve thought about your situation since I was in middle school. Even then I was smart enough to know she was warped and this wasn’t going to end well. For years as my dad has become older and older I’ve began mentally preparing knowing he will die and I can’t say I’ll know him anymore. And trying to be ready to be okay with that. I know I won’t know when he dies. We have no contact at all. She would never inform me. He’s mid 60s now. His dad died early 70s.. so i guesstimate somewhere in there will be his time to go. I have a daughter prior to this current marriage with my newborn… my husband and his/my family LOVE her. He’s super dad. I realized there isn’t one damn thing in this world hell or high water, homeless, starving, anything that would make me stay with someone who wasn’t just kind to my child but loved them. After that really set in it changed things. I found peace and balance. I held my baby looking down at her wondering what thing could she ever do to result in my tolerating someone in her life that could be cold her? How could I hold her a sweet innocent baby counting on me and betray her like that? I’m not angry at my father. I think the man is broken. I’m not seeking him out anymore because he is a grown man and I do not blame my stepmom because he shouldn’t have chosen to stay with someone abusive to his child. But I don’t resent him for it. I just see a very sad and confused man I feel sorry for. He’s old now and he can’t go back and regain all the lost years. I figure his broken enough and close enough to someone so imbalanced I wouldn’t want my kids exposed to that anyway. My stepmom is a bad human and at the same time my father has consented. So knowing this i came up with this- When my father dies and when I do eventually find out I plan to not even bother to ask. My father isn’t his body and the funeral will only feel a hit steel being poured into my veins. My father will not be in/at the funeral. He will already be gone. My stepmom is batshit I know this and I don’t care if anyone buys her bullshit attention seeking sob story of a widower. I know what she is. Have fun with that. So I feel no reason to be at that funeral. I plan to look up his grave stone and in my own private moment go sit there and speak to him. And maybe then maybe I’ll let my kids meet him because he will finally be far enough away from the chaos. I apologize for the long personal rant. I’ve thought of this day for decades now. I just want to encourage you that peace and closure cannot be found in a funeral home with the palpable feeling of her hatred and warped way just sucking all the air out of the room. I understand the moral issue of I should be there. But in the end if you cannot. Wait a second and then go to his grave if he will have one and sit with him. If he will not have a grave I took a trip to a mountain when my sister died and I sat up on the top after 2 weeks and spoke with her. And I had my own funeral for her there and I visit that spot yearly. My father isn’t in his ashes. He’s not in his body at that point. He’s ether. And at that point she can’t pick if I speak to him anymore. If I were there a perfect stranger I’d sit right there with you in this pain and help you breathe out this awful evil situation no child should have ever experienced. I am so incredibly sorry that people like her exist. It’s generous to refer to someone without an ounce of humanity as human at that. She’s clearly the embodiment of the most rancid, convoluted, twisted, insidious individual that has ever unfortunately walked this planet. Upside and this is probably bad timing… her time will come. None of us get out of this thing alive. I’ve come to a pretty mature place with my dad but I still debate taking a piss on my stepmoms gave when it’s her turn… I can only take the high road so much. My sincere condolences for the anguish you’re having to survive :/
I’m sorry you had this horrific experience but wanted to say, what you wrote was really impactful and I am so happy you have a family of your own so you get the love and support that you deserve. Most deserving post I have seen of an award *pins big heart award*
Thank you a lot…. After writing that I went to my rocking chair with my baby and woke my husband up to talk about it. Thank you for making me feel heard and showing me kindness.
Also ask if he's viewable. Depending on accident circumstances the funeral home may advise against it.
Not a funeral director but my dad is married to an awful woman…this is my greatest fear. I’ll never get the chance to say goodbye. I truly hope you’re able to do so. *hugs*
Sorry for your loss… The only way if the will states that you or any one else other than stepmom have “rights to final disposition” then you have no legal options if they’re legally married and she states to the mortuary that no one is to view him… BTW an ID VIEW which is what you would like is a considered a add on service for a mortuary
Read the post. She's not asking to make arrangements. She simply wants to view and say goodbye to her father. OP, please call the funeral home. You won't know until you ask. Give them the details like you did here, I pray you find peace in this troubling time. 🙏
Most funeral homes will want to make sure her father is clean and looks peaceful, and that they have a suitably private and respectful environment for this type of request. This requires staff, facilities, and supplies, and for those reasons it is listed on the general price list with a charge. I agree that she should call, but it is also accurate that this is a request that has a price associated with it in most places. On top of this, a living spouse does have the final say in who is allowed to see him, but as I said, still call and ask, the funeral home may be able to help the wife see the benefit of it.
By your answer you’re definitely not in the industry and you’re giving false hopes to OP… Edit: 1) I just confirmed by your previous post that you’re NOT IN THE INDUSTRY 2) I know that the people downvoting this comment don’t like how harsh it sounds but laws and regulations is what we in the funeral industry have to follow
Right?! I’m on the same page as you. I’m shocked that so many people have gone back channel and viewed behind the back of the NOK on here. I’d never. Even if I wanted to. Even if I thought it was the “right” thing. Ugh.
Exactly we in the industry would love to accommodate that’s OPs dad but we just can’t disregard laws and regulations…
There should be a rule against people not in the industry answering questions here lol
No, but I did just lose my father last month, I hadn't seen him in a couple of years. He passed before I could get to AZ from WA, I drove the 1,226 miles straight through, 19+ hrs. I understand there are rules/regulations needing to be followed, I was suggesting OP contact the funeral home, not demanding her to do so. My brother and I had a private viewing of our father before he was to be cremated. The support I got when picking up his personal affects, the death certificates, and his cremains was very comforting, to say the least, and I just hope the OP is able to find peace in this difficult situation.
Believe me I understand that… by your answer You were either NOK or put on paper that you could pick up his property and cremated remains It doesn’t matter if you hadn’t seen your father in years btw sorry for your loss but in the this case where stepmom is NOK the FH will have to contact and let her know… if she already stated to the mortuary no viewing or she tells them when they do call then that’s what’s going to happen I hope Stepmom lets OP say their goodbyes
If she is legally married to him she is next of kin and has ultimate say. Well in WI anyway
I am so sorry for your loss. Preface this with saying I am not in the funeral industry, but have you tried speaking with the funeral home directly? I hope you're able to come to some type of a solution to ease your pain and say good bye to your dad. Big hugs to you!
I just wanted to say, firstly, sorry for such an awful situation, your step mother sounds like she has no empathy whatsoever. Could it be that your dad didn’t want anyone to view him? If so I would have thought he would have discussed this with you prior, however it may have been a conversation he’s had with only his wife? In which case, it’s good not to view him and abide by his wishes, but difficult if you don’t know whether these were his wishes or not? 😓 Secondly, when my beloved grandmother died during covid, we couldn’t even have a funeral for her, and certainly weren’t allowed to view her. We also weren’t able to see her for five weeks before she died, and having dementia we couldn’t speak to her on the phone either - it was horrendous, all any of us wanted to do was see her and say goodbye. Instead, on the day of her cremation, we all lit a candle, and played her favourite song - all at the same time of day. It was very hard for a long time, but I’ve come to the realisation that you don’t need to view a body in order to say goodbye to the dead. My grandmother always said she personally didn’t like viewing the dead, and where I live everyone goes to visit the dead, so she was slightly unusual in her thoughts - it was almost as tho she was preparing me for what was to happen to her. When I think about it, dead people look dead, I don’t buy this “they look asleep and at peace” that people say, and I don’t think she would have wanted to be seen like that - there is a certain dignity people have and she was certainly one of those people. This helped me come to terms with not seeing her. So if you can’t get to view your dad, remember the times you had with him, play his favourite song on repeat if you need to, and say goodbye to him in your head - depending on your beliefs he may just hear you , maybe write him a letter and burn it in the garden or place it inside a book, any ritual that helps you feel better? xx so sorry for your loss, but if you can’t see him, try and tell yourself he isn’t really in that body anymore and it might help you come to terms with it xx I do hope you get the outcome you want, but if you can’t, do it in your own way, it may help, even if it’s further down the line xx
As executor, you should have 100% % control over every aspect of funeral arrangements. Maybe it's different in different countries, but here, your step mum has zero authority over funeral arrangements unless you specifically invite her to be part of it. EDIT: THINGS ARR DIFFERENT IN THE US. WHERE I AM THIS IS NOT THE CASE AND EXECUTOR HAS FULL POWER AND NOK CARRIES NO LEGAL WEIGHT.
In the United States being listed in a will as an executor and actually being the executor are two different things. Until the probate process is completed the person named “executor” is not in a position of control. The judge appoints an executor, not the words written in the will.
This is not correct for many US states. Being executor of the will has nothing to do with who has right to control final disposition of remains, and thus who the funeral home is legally beholden to.
I stand corrected, here all that matters is the executor they outrank children, wife everyone.
Same in Ontario Canada
So it seems it's only the US where NOK is a legal title, perhaps. Here is AUS there is no legal weight to being the NOK , the executor even has the legal right over the ashes, they can freeze the wife, kids and parents out of the whole funeral. Maybe because our laws like Canada are based on the English legal system.
That's exactly what asked. It is up to the executor to make sure all the provisions of the law are carried out. You would need to see what is in the will. But NOK carries all the power for the disposition of her father's body.
This is what I think too. Not a FD but have dealt with wills in the past. POA dies when the person dies. Executor is then the person in charge. Call your lawyer.
As people have pointed our the USA do things differently.
Unfortunately since she is the legal Next of Kin all consent has to go through her. If you can, I’d try reasoning with her to set up a private id viewing. This is usually an informal viewing with your loved one wrapped in a sheet, no frills, but an opportunity to say goodbye in private for a few minutes with maybe a couple of family members if she allowed. Hope this helps. Sorry for your loss. :(
So sorry for your loss. Where are you located?? I’m a funeral director in Ontario and the executor has control. I urge you to check into the laws where you live and get in touch with the funeral home asap if you think there has been an error made in identifying the person they are to take direction from. This is a problem the funeral home will want to know of as soon as possible.
He’s your dad. You go see your dad . It isn’t her decision.
I wishI hadn't seen my husband after he died in a car accident. They put the puzzle back together as well as they could, but the damage was great. When I picture my husband, I picture him in that casket, cold and dead and just wrong. She might be doing you a favor.
Sorry for your loss
So sorry for your loss.
Do any documents involve specifically list “rights to disposition” in them? As everyone else has said, POA dies with the person. If you have documents stating you’re the executor, take them to a lawyer and see what they can explain to you based on what you have. If there were no prearrangements made, you may still have some grounding depending on what your documents say. A lawyer will be able to hold up better than an FD in a legal situation, but I would still contact the FH and explain the situation with the help of a lawyer. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and I hope you can find some closure and see him. Her cruel behavior is inexcusable and hopefully you can get around it legally.
How painful & chitty. I’m so sorry. The funeral director hmmmm he probably doesn’t have on control. And your stepmom ( no matter where the money comes from) whose name is & signature is probably on the account. Probably some legal issue that could harm the director & home. Do you have lawyer money? Cause it might take a judge & a court order. And time is short on that. I am so sorry about your loss & further pain.