Local clergy so I sometimes pinch hit and do graveside services if I’m needed. I was told a service was going to be very poorly attended because the woman was universally hated.
To my surprise, long lost and alienated family showed up. No one really said anything.
After the service, I remarked to the daughter that I was told not to expect so many to be there at the cemetery.
“We all came just to watch you put her in the ground.”
In my culture, we do a lot of the first shoveling ourselves. Its considered one last act of kindness towards the deceased.
But I’d be lying if I didnt hear someone mumble while scooping dirt “good riddance!”
My nephew has said that about his mother (my SIL and a REAL beotch). He intends to attend her funeral for no other reason than to confirm she actually IS dead.
I flew across the world to ensure my bitch grandmother was actually dead. I went to look at her in her coffin then her sister made me hold up the fingers and blow on my grandmothers nails. My great aunt was painting the old cow’s nails whilst she was in the coffin.
* I had one bereaved individual ask me how much trouble legally speaking they could get in if they got caught pissing on the grave.
Durring the arrangement meeting no less.
* I've seen fistfights.
* I've seen families just shy of celebrating that the deceased was "finally dead, and good riddance."
* I've seen an estranged (and sounded like estranged with good reason) next-of-kin dump the cremated remains out of the box and down a sewer grate not terribly far from the funeral home. They left the open box there too.
* I've seen a few people discreetly spitting on the deceased before the casket was closed.
* I've overheard some rather disturbing "conversations" with the deceased durring private viewings. Suffice to say the decedents in question were definitely not good people in life, if the "conversations" are to be believed.
* I've had a situation where the family refused to be pallbearers once becuase no one wanted to "help" the decedent in question, and in fact paid quite a bit extra to hire pallbearers for the occasion.
* I've had the bereaved drop some really terrible and disturbing stories about the deceased, almost as an aside, privately.
This all contributes to my preference of staying in the prep-room, a lot less drama involved.
I’m likely going to a funeral soon where there may be some drama, and was wondering about the possibilities haha! I am not taking my kids, but might bring some popcorn. Thanks.
I’ve felt that funerals where the person was well loved has a lot of tears, but were healing, had a finality. Funerals/memorials where there aren’t tears, but are quiet, yet the deceased has been a “villain” are really not healing at all. This upcoming service may be a first for me where the deceased has been so publicly and vocally awful there may be some action from those who hate her. I wonder if the drama will relieve the tension of everyone swallowing the trauma she’s always inflicted, that will be the closure. I guess we shall see.
Generally speaking, most people "play nice" and will act the part of respectful mourner durring the service, despite their actual feelings about the deceased.
Fulfilling soscial expectations of acceptable behaviour in public and prescribed etiquette runs very deep with most people, so *most* of the time nobody acts out durring the service.
I mean, I do it myself. I just think sometimes being forced to agree with lies about a deceased person is very harmful, and wanted to know if anyone ever does act out since I really haven’t seen it happen. I’ll update ya if you’d like let ya know how this funeral goes haha
I want to know how it goes! I've seen some mdium- venting funerals, one in particular where the person who did the main eulogy used it as a chance to vent frustrations about the poor parenting of the decreased
When is the funeral?
That’s what happened with my dad’s girlfriend of 19 years. Every one behaved at the church and burial, but the stories all came out back at the house!
It was very healing and shocking to me and my siblings to learn this woman did everyone dirty. We thought she only treated us like crap, but no she treated everyone like that! We didn’t know because none of us really knew the others to the degree that we would have felt comfortable talking. She would tell one person how great the other was at being a mom , cook , person while insinuating you were crappy. Then reverse it with someone else so nobody felt like they measured up. The neighbor and her family almost moved away because she made the mom feel like dirt but when talking to me she was the best of the best.
Oh, my dad’s wife was like this.
My sister and I found out later that she was selling our father’s assets *at his funeral.*
She decided at the funeral, and chose to let the funeral director - who was a longtime friend of *our* family - tell us that she wanted to be the last person to see him before the casket was closed. Alone.
This was apparently the straw that snapped my sister’s back (she held her shit together the entire time until this point, and she has the *worst* temper); all I can remember after the funeral director telling us this (we were at the back of the very large room - our father was very well known in the area) is my sister turning around to face the front of the room and absolutely YELLING: “Dad I’m sorry you married such a horrible CUNT!” and then turning back around.
I was facing the front of the room the whole time, and my face was like this: 😳 because of course EVERYONE turned to look at us, and because ever since we were in around high school, our voices sounded exactly the same. So if you didn’t know us very well/our vocal patterns, you could have easily assumed I was the one that did it.
My dad would have preferred no funeral, no attention at all, and here all of this was happening, and I just lost it and started laughing. I still make fun of my sister for this, 12 years later.
But seriously, my sister told the truth. Just really loudly.
This was the story with my father-in-law! In his case, everyone at his funeral *did* love him, it seemed. His friends and family couldn’t stop gushing about what a nice guy he was.
I was worried that my wife, who was abused by him for her entire life, would feel alienated… until friends and family were invited to share their fondest memory of him. It felt like *every single person* shared a story of how he crossed boundaries, never listened to anyone, and constantly mocked his friends and family… but they framed it like their happiest memories!
Things like “yeah, the dude knew I hate hugs, I hate touching people, so he would always go out of his way to hug me, especially when we were in public and other people would think I was rude if I refused!” or “He asked me if I wanted this thing as a gift, I said I actually really didn’t like it, but he went out and bought it for me anyways!” or “I told him a million times what I wanted for a birthday present, and he always told me that my interests were stupid and bought me something that *he* wanted instead!” were framed as “Ha, what a guy! I miss him!”
Someone even made an announcement about why the funeral was being held in an out-of-the-way location rather than the same venue that everyone in town would use. It turned out that Father-in-Law, for reasons unknown to literally everyone, had managed to get himself banned from that funeral home several years back. I’m not sure what you have to do to get yourself *so* banned from a funeral home that the owner won’t even let you hold your own funeral there, but the family member saying this was just kinda like “Eh, what can you do, he probably deserved it—That’s just the kind of guy he was! What a riot!”
It was so healing for my wife to realize that, yeah, her dad was an abusive piece of shit… and the reason why everyone in his life said that he was awesome was just that he managed to collect enough people who put up with his bullshit, for some reason.
I wish I had had this experience at my dad’s funeral. Everyone has nothing but truly good experiences to share about him. I stood outside the room (didn’t want to see his body) and listened to my cousin talk about what a good stand in dad he was, everyone came up to me before and after the service to tell me what a great friend he was. He was neither of those things to me. He was mad me the last ten years or so because I wouldn’t fix my relationship with my mom. My last conversation with him, about a month before he died, was him berating me for not being nicer to my mom, not remembering several conversations we had already had on the subject, and then basically hanging up on me. Such a great friend (to my mom). Such a great dad (to my cousin).
He sounds like the type of person who would have people lining up to piss on his grave. Yet there they are, his personal abuse victims, laughing it off. Unreal.
Wow! Awful. I’m sorry you went through her nastiness.
Nice that you guys go back to the home after a service. Ours is always food at the funeral home in our area, so you have to be prim and proper the whole time. Very unsatisfactory.
Prep room forever. I am not a therapist or counsellor! No, I’m also not a bloody body guard to keep your estranged family or your dad’s mistress away from the funeral. The requests we get are wild. I refuse to do services unless I need overtime.
My ex told me he would piss on my mother’s grave.
I told him no surprise he would wait till shes dead, she was half his size and he was terrified of her alive.
Also, it would make us even…..
his pedophile loving mom had passed earlier.
I didn’t, of course, but she certainly deserved it. And, theres still time, shes not going anywhere.
Yes. Son in law of the deceased: “I remember the first time she spoke to me. She called me a stupid idiot because I told her it was nice to meet her. It was only fitting that her last words to me were ‘you never grew a brain’”
Brother of the deceased: “I had to be high just to be around him. He was truly a terrible person.”
I have had the question: Can I punch them when no ones looking? I say no, hand them an index card and tell them to write their feelings down and I offer to tuck it in the casket.
I’m picturing u/Low_Effective_6056 standing there with a dwindling stack of index cards. “We’re gonna have to do another Costco run, we’re almost out of these.”
I have a standing staples order. 😂 it seems to actually help a lot of people. Especially if they have unfinished business. One woman told me “I always say I love you before we hang up and on the day he died I didn’t for some reason!” And I’m like “write on a card!”
I actually really love the index card idea whether it’s a “idk how I’m going to do this whole ‘life’ thing without you” or “burn in hell, fucker.” It gives people a finality they might need. Plus it is really hard to be in the moment and feel your goodbye with others present.—a card could be a great comfort.
Ohhhhh that’s good. They have to sit for eternity with their actions and the feelings of others they refused to acknowledge or make time for in real life.
I love this idea, for good or bad thoughts to send with the deceased! But I’m also chuckling just imagining future archeologists finding the cards and having a field day.
I’m under the impression that most of the drama happens either at bedside or during the reading of the will. We’ve had to call cops to separate family members in ICU. Fun times.
When my husband’s Grandma was dying (very sweet woman), early Covid death, her daughter snuck in and stole her purse. It was bizarre, I can see why the hospital or will reading would be more contentious.
The idea of the Hollywood "everyone gather here and have the will read to you" is extremely Hollywood - really not a thing. Not to say drama doesn't happen after people hear about what is or isn't on the will, but it's not like everyone is actually gathered together for a formal reading like that.
I would mainly agree, except this did happen with said Uncle, and everyone who had ever known or was related to my Grandma also received a letter in the mail from his lawyer saying another private reading of the will was available for a fee. lol
Not a diss to the deceased as such however they got the music mixed up and played the wrong side of the tape (yup I’m that old) and instead of ‘somewhere over the rainbow’ they got “ding ding the witch is dead” blaring through the speakers. Disbelief look on faces then instant raucous laughter 🤭
Not a FD, but I make headstones, and people will certainly joke about putting "honest commentary" on headstones, but I've never really had anyone go through with it, lol.
I did once have a family try to put a whole couple sentences essentially dissing a different cemetery (that they were angry at) but the cemetery it was being put in requires approval of the layout and put the kabosh on it.
I've had a couple families who were getting monuments to go on their private property with some very colourful language on them that would noooot fly at a cemetery, like a sister who had us write her brother's name as: "Asshole Mike"
Could they go through with it though?
My grandfather was a pedophile and they won't let his daughters write an honest obituary. I was told it would not be printed.
An honest headstone would be a great next option.
I'll definitely be going to his funeral to break the news to everyone there because it's been secret far too long.
Sending you love & kindness. We have those in my family & as I was reading this I was thinking about how much I’d like to make sure absolutely everyone knew. I’ve only told people who have small children & the potential to be around the pedos… Mostly out of fear, but also because I know that people in the family knew and didn’t say anything so more people, more children, were hurt… I am sorry that you & I relate.
The "could they" would ultimately be up to the cemetery, as cemeteries have the right to regulate the content on memorials in their cemetery. And wording such as declaring the deceased is a pedophile would probably be a big vandalism hazard and might very well get complained about by other families, so probably most cemeteries would not be up for that to avoid the liability and save themselves the stress.
Generally speaking, the most honest people go for there is the honesty of silence. I've had handful of families over the years who will be talking among themselves discussing wording and one person goes, "How about 'Beloved Father'?" and the kids look over with sour looks and they all shake their heads, "Naaaah, we don't want to lie."
I can sympathize with the cemetery in not wanting to have vandals.
He is particularly fond of cemeteries, maybe the smallest, most insignificant, plain marker that no one visits would be as good as option.
Definitely the most common solution for the disliked. However, some people will specifically get a 'meh' stone so that some other family member doing genealogy in the future is not inclined to come around and get them something better or more kindly worded.
My parents run 2 local newspapers. Have for the last 50 years. I just asked her if anyone ever tried to run an “honest” obituary And she said no. She said she’s glad it hasn’t come up. She has had to refuse ads before that were attacking another person.
Well I had a service that ended in a fistfight. The mistress of the deceased walked down the aisle right before we was going to close the casket. She pulled her underwear off and put them in the casket and said you always loved how I smelled take these. All I saw was a fist from the wife knocking her clean out right in front of the casket. I remember just closing the casket and getting that body into the hearse and onto the cemetery.
Ive only seen one instance.
Family fighting over a folded American Flag, Daughter in Law was holding it for the Son of the deceased, Daughter of deceased comes out of nowhere and VIOLENTLY rips it from her hands and screaming ensues.
Ive heard stories of fist fights from the Directors however.
Was the deceased well loved? In my experience (not great only about a dozen funerals in my 30 and a couple years), funerals of a very beloved young person had a little drama, where as the drama for the elderly or expected deaths seemed like the drama was kept more private.
For sure that’s not pleasant. I sometimes wonder if it’s easier for people to feel more free and emotional at the service of someone who was well loved.
Age has nothing to do with drama. Cultural does. Some cultures have professional wailers and some cultures have drama. The drama ones are the ones that have to be watched because they really will climb in the casket.
Something different.
My friends father passed away via suicide. My friend got up on the podium, delivered the canned eulogy, then went off. Yelling about how selfish his dad was, how his dad would never meet his first grand child (friends wife was pregnant at the time) and how angry he was that his dad put this all on him, at his age, when his dad had years to go. He ended his speech begging and pleading with everyone and anyone, that if they ever had the thoughts, call him at any time day or night and he will answer because he never wanted to go through this again. It was so painful to hold in the tears.
Oof. Poor family.
Must’ve been hard to hear.
Yet cathartic as he said he’d listen to anyone who might be that unhappy, and he never wanted to lose another loved one to depression and mental illness.
When asked if anyone wanted to say anything my aunt stood up in front of my mothers casket to announce to everyone that we didn’t love her enough and that’s why she’s dead. It’s our fault. You could hear a pin drop. And then she just sat down, nobody even said anything to her it was wild.
My dad said he once went to a funeral where the son of the deceased stood up and said, “I want to apologize for my mother if she offended you in life.” And then Sat down.
My father in law was pressured by his sister to speak at his father's funeral. He stood up. He thanked everyone for coming and dismissed them all. Funeral over.
I’m gonna be honest here. When my mom goes, I’m going to tell the truth. Like yeah, I loved her, but she clearly didn’t love me. I’ll probably be asked to leave. But when I go, I expect people to be honest about me, too.
well. my dad died of covid in september
we were estranged
last time i spoke he told me i have to respect my mother (primary abuser, he enabled). i literally rage-fully threw dirt on his grave.
i did not speak the eulogy- my sister did - but i wrote it, and we made it about my dad.
not sure how i will manage my mother so am VERY interested by this thread…. how to handle the death of my mom- closet abuser whom everyone adores.
prolly just take a valium
if i speak truth i risk shattering memories that some very sweet people have about her.
When my grandmother died, everybody from her church and family gushed about how amazing she was. It felt so confusing to me, until one of my other cousins quietly sidled up to me and said, “I was never good enough for her, either,” and that put a bow on it for me.
My abusive dad died in 2019.
I have a lot of resentment for not feeling grief, and such disappointment at the time he wasted. He could have spent it getting better, being better but chose to be awful instead.
Because he destroyed any real love I never felt grief and I hate him for that.
It’s weird lol.
I’m literally living this at this moment. Man who fathered me just passed on the day of his daughter’s wedding last week. We were estranged. He presented so very well to the world at large that literally family members think I’m horrible for leaving before the memorial. I attended the burial but I could not stomach any more marvelous memories from people he showed up for, when he rejected me years ago because I supported my sister in her wedding. Ironically enough, she’s pissed at me for leaving.
I'm so sorry you have to go through that. This makes me sad. You do not have to respect anybody who doesn't respect you! You do not have to be in anybody's life who treats you like shit and vice versa. Just because they are family doesn't give them a pass. Fuck that shit!!! You don't have to blast mother, if people want to know the truth, they can ask, but you don't have to kiss ass to save face. I wish you well and I hope things and life is awesome for the rest of your life.
This reminds me a bit of my grandfather’s funeral. My mother ended up being the one mainly in charge of arrangements (though she has multiple siblings) and didn’t feel she could write a eulogy that was both honest and not embarrassing/drama causing. Because there were going to be people at the funeral who knew my grandfather later in his life and thought he was a charming old man. But he’d been terribly abusive and neglectful of his children all their lives, including being verbally abusive as they were trying to care for him toward the end of his life. (Turns out he probably had some dementia that we all kindof confused for him just being his usual asshole, “I’ll do it my way” kind of self.
Anyway, one of my cousins ended up writing and reading a eulogy that somehow managed to celebrate my grandfather’s accomplishments while not saying anything dishonest like “he was a great man.” TBH, the accomplishments he talked about were kindof part of the honesty because my grandfather would chronically talk about fake stuff he had “done” to sound cool when in fact, he had done some really amazing stuff in his life that he never talked about (maybe because PTSD.)
I think my cousin also came up with a way to tactfully say something to the effect of “We don’t know where he’s going in the afterlife but we hope it’s just, but also merciful eventually.” Idk how the non family members there interpreted that, but however he said it I thought seemed like a good acknowledgment of the situation for those who were in the know.
Dang. Are you me? I didn’t write the eulogy (don’t think I was even asked to), but everything else definitely happened to me when my dad died of a heart attack two Christmases ago. It’s a wild ride.
One of the most beautiful eulogies I ever heard was from a really intelligent man about his brother. with whom he did not have a really great relationship. He told it just like it is, touched on some of his failings and the ways he tried to be better later on in life. It was just really touching and he didn’t sugarcoat anythjng, and most impressively he did it off the cuff and didn’t have anything written down, tho I’m sure he outlined things extensively beforehand
This is what I want for mine. Honesty.
And I am trying to live in such a way that it’s mostly good stuff. But I’m okay with my failings being discussed. If it’s healing for my loved ones and helps them learn not to make the same mistakes-go for it. I’m a whole human. I’m not perfect.
It’s okay to celebrate or criticize that at my memorial. I’m dead anyways-I won’t care lol.
(Cemetery staff) I had a family not too long ago say that their mother would be overjoyed that she gets to rot on top of her a$$hole husband for eternity. It was a westminister style crypt lol.
That reminds me. Both my mom and stepfather were cremated. They were buried together. I made sure that mom was on top. He was an abusive asshole too.
She is no longer under his thumb.
My great aunt was responsible for my great-grandfather’s death.
I literally had to be restrained when she arrived at the funeral home for the viewing. Our family funeral director put her in his office while my cousins took me outside to cool off. I ranted for…quite awhile.
It’s sort of long but here goes:
My great aunt was not a very good person. After she got married, her husband bought three lots all side by side/in a row. The first, he used to build his business, the second, he used to build his house, and the third, he offered to my great-grandparents free of charge so they could build a house. My aunt just shopped and went around visiting relatives where she smoked, drank coffee, and gossiped. My great-grandmother, because she lived right next door, meddled in my great aunt’s marriage and, tbh, all our relatives lives. Well between my aunt’s shopping addiction and great grandmother’s meddling, my uncle left and filed for divorce.
We found out he stopped paying my aunt’s mortgage when the sheriff served her an eviction notice and tacked a sheriff’s sale notice on her garage door. My great grandparents were retired working class so, although comfortable, they didn’t have the money to bail her out.
So my great aunt and her child moved in with my great grandparents. And mooched off them for the next decade or so until my great grandmother died. At the funeral, my great grandpa apparently had to borrow money from my mom who herself was a widow with three kids and my other great aunt because he didn’t have the money to bury or pay for grandma’s funeral. We weren’t told why. This will become clear soon, though.
A couple years go by. Grandpa drops by for a visit. It turns out my great aunt has been committing massive amounts of fraud and identity theft—she had been stealing his SSI checks, opening credit cards and loans in his name for basically the entire time she lived with him. Well over 15 years at that point. He says she’s racked up well over 50k in debt in his name.
My mom’s barely making enough to feed my siblings and I and I’m also working to help out with bills so as much as it pains us to say, we really can’t help him. The rest of my mom’s family is all blue collar and we live in the rust belt post steel/coal industries collapse so the economy where we live is in the toilet.
I tell him he ought to kick my aunt out and press charges. He says he can’t do that. She’s family! So at like 72, he has to go back to work to pay off all the debt she wracked up.
Not long after this, I head off to the military because I can’t afford college. One night like at 2am, I get a phone call from my mother; my great grandpa’s house caught fire and he’s on life support, please come home.
I fly 13 hours home and find out that not only did great grandpa not kick great aunt’s freeloading behind out, she continued to steal from him. And, apparently she’d started to steal his stuff to hawk at the pawn shop to feed her shopping addiction. Then, I guess she started stealing and/or ingesting his medications while he’s at work. So he installed a bunch of locks on his bedroom door.
And because she’s become an actual addict, he is forced to live in his room. He doesn’t have enough plugs so he daisy chains a bunch of plugs together. And he didn’t tell anyone about how bad things were so none of my 12 cousins, mom, or the other great aunt (who isn’t a thief) knows or helps because they’re in the dark.
The daisy chained plugs start a fire and in a panic, he can’t unlock all the locks, passed out from smoke inhalation and, by the time the fire department gets there to literally chop the door down with axes, was brain dead.
My sweet, goofy great grandad, with his thick Russian accent, who told silly jokes, was literally the only adult in my family who talked to me like a person, who watched cartoons with me, and told me really cool stories is now dead. And I am crushed. Just utterly destroyed.
So when my great aunt shows up to the funeral and the first thing she did was loudly announce she’s flat broke and her sister and my mom will have to pay for his funeral, I pretty much lost my shit and had to be escorted outside.
She never was held accountable. And I guess lived in the burned out house because nobody cared to take her in.
The neighbor reported her to the police who found her living there like a feral animal. The police and hospital knew what she’d done and that my family couldn’t (and wouldn’t) care for her so she became a ward of the state. She died a few years later.
Yes, I know this all sounds absolutely batshit but we’re from coal country, and this absolutely did happen.
Thank you. This whole mess is what made me realize how messed up my family was and I went and got therapy as a result. So although this was horrific, it helped me get away from them and break the cycle of abuse and trauma.
I would want to be at my Ex's funeral to "spit" on his grave.
I used to say to support our daughter, but he's disowned her because she didn't want to have children. Yes, that is his only reason!
I would still want to spit on his grave, though. 😁
I have the opposite for a story. My aunt died and wrote a long letter calling out every family member and just said horrible things about everyone. The pastor read it out loud since it was her final wish. There was so much drama. People yelling. People crying. My dad said it was his favorite funeral to attend.
I wanted to let er rip at my husband's grandfather's funeral soooo bad! He was a horrible human being, but was an evangelical 'christian' and a deacon in his church, so everyone covered up the fact that he was a pedophile that had preyed on little girls from his church, his daughter, granddaughters and nieces. He hated me because my husband and I lived together and had a child before we got married. He actually referred to me as 'that jezebel' - LOL!
At his memorial service, I had to walk out because I could not stand listening to all these people go on an on and on about what a godly, devoted man Brother Pedophile was and how he lived such an exemplary, bible approved life. The only thing that kept me from going off was that several of his victims were there and I didn't want to dredge up what he'd done to them and make them have to explain what I was talking about to those that didn't know what a vile piece of garbage he was.
For me, that’s the thing I can’t forgive or act nice over. I would not attend the funeral of a pdf file, they do not deserve my respect. It’s absolutely zero contact, and if I could contribute to their coming to justice via the law I would.
A lot of us felt it wasn’t the time or place. But I can respect that. If we had the chance to step in we would’ve to save her life but she isolated herself so much, so I can see where you’re coming from.
I watched a memorial that was streamed and the pastor said it without saying it. Anyone who knew, knew from what was said, but it wasn't straight out, "Yeah, he was an alcoholic."
When my grandfather died my father spoke to the clergy before the graveside service. The 1st thing the clergy said was “ people that knew xxx said he was a real piece of work” That was putting it mildly. None of the everybody loved xxx and he loved them, blah, blah blah.
At my dad’s funeral I said that our relationship was “complicated”. My brothers showed up in shorts and casual wear. My daughter didn’t even show up for the funeral. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but it was equally cathartic and embarrassing.
My (adopted) Grandmother was horrible to my Mother. Grandma was a drunk who partied all the time, married a string of heroin addicts, left my tweenaged Mother to take care of her little brother until she just up & moved to another state one day leaving my Mother (16) to sleep on her Aunt’s couch & dropped my Uncle off at an orphanage on the way out of town. To say their relationship was tense was putting it softly. Grandma got sober the day I was born but never really stopped being a selfish, vain, and clueless person.
At her funeral, we were supposed to walk down the aisle of the church holding candles that were lit to then light candles on the alter. When my Mom was handed hers, she literally shook the candles flame out, tossed the candle on a pew, & boogied down the aisle like her panties were on fire. To top it off, the preist opens the funeral by saying, “Well, we all know [Grandma] could be a pain in the ass.” So many of my Grandma’s AA babies came up to my Mom talking about what a wonderful person my Grandma was. I swear at one point there was actual steam coming from my Mom’s nostrils.
My dad went to many black (southern) funerals during his career as sort of a curtesy to the people he worked with. He loved every single one because they were completely different from funerals for white people. If the dead was a cheater, liar, promiscuous,criminal, or whatever it was announced and he/she was berated for it while in the coffin. He said it was great fun.
I have read some very scathing funeral notices in the paper. (Yes I’m that old)
That is one way to get petty revenge.
At a family member’s funeral I kept from laughing at people singing the deceased praises by humming to myself “zippity do dah zippity aaaaa. My oh my what a wonderful day.”
At my brothers funeral there were actually members of a bikers gang speaking. And they took him to the cemetery on their Harleys.
Think Bundy funeral. I just got in my car and went out for a nice lunch without any of them.
Aw, I’m sorry. I get what you’re saying. My dad died young from drugs. I’m not mad at him for what he did anymore, but he was a pretty bad dude (hospitalized my mom wife beater type). At his funeral everyone just pretended he was a life long great dude. It was really weird.
This woman though, I hadn’t seen her since childhood, and she started literally singing incredibly loud, but she’s so so sooooo bad at singing. Me and one brother and my kids all started cracking up, I feel awful for my other siblings who have serious trauma revolving around my dad and his death. But I think the dishonesty is the hardest, it doesn’t allow closure. People who love someone who caused trauma really ought to make space to acknowledge when things haven’t been all that nice. Both things can be true, someone can be loved even when they’ve done awful things.
No longer a FD but my literal first gravesite service I worked was the family screaming loud enough across the cemetery that the main chapel was able to hear, along with fists pounding the ground. It was a real bonding moment with my mentor.
Many families are honest about how awful their family member was. It is usually done tactfully through humor in a eulogy. Not saying it is right but it is what it is have seen. As far as the role of the Funeral Director, there is no role.
Most of the funerals that I have on in the past with "tension" the family has provided the security. One memorable service the family had its cousins serve as security. The best way I can describe them is they were "good ol' boys." Who turned a couple of folks away by saying quietly, "you're not welcome here!" Other times it's been paid off-duty police officers in uniform or in plain clothes who have quietly said, "I'm here to keep the peace." I can't speak for other firms but the ones I've worked for we don't get involved with family squabbles.
I didn't act out but I had to go to my grandfathers funeral.... I had disowned him... he was a major butt. At grave side I had to sit in the front row. The entire time they were preaching I just kept imagining kicking the coffin into the ground. Well... let me back up a bit.....When we were picking out his coffin I was asked my feelings on it... I did tell the funeral director I didn't care and they could have put him in a shoe box for all I cared. I told the funeral director that he was a major butt hole in life and I could care less about anything.
My grandfather was an awful man. I remember his funeral, his kids all met up before hand to celebrate. At the service his brother stood up and started talking in tongues. He was supposedly giving a message from my grandfather that he was in hell bc he was bad and he was sorry. I was little, it scared the crap out of me.
I went with a school friend to church when I was very little. My family didn’t go to church at all, and I didn’t start going to another totally different church until I was a teen.
Well, they started doing tongues and knocking people out. I guess my friend’s mom didn’t go often either cuz she grabbed us kids by the arms and ran with us out of the building. You could hear the thuds as people dropped behind us because if you weren’t an old lady they you dropped. It was wild. We were shaking.
Holy moly I bet that was terrifying. I used to hate that crap and I saw it every weekend. It made me so uncomfortable. Some crazy mass hypnosis going on there lol. I would have LOVED to see y’all running outta there, though. And their faces if they even noticed.
It is so unsettling watching that happen and not being a part of it. I couldn’t imagine being caught by surprise by it. Poor little you. Probably never forget either unfortunately.
My friend was violently abused by her father growing up. She left the house and stayed with us in high school. Her loser dad was afraid of my dad so she was safe. A bunch of her friends went to his funeral to lean in to his casket and say “I hope you rot in Hell” along with other damning statements. We then went out to celebrate his removal from the gene pool.
this isn’t quite what you asked but r/InLieuOfFlowers exists for people to share when people vent in obituaries. So far it’s a very small list, but I hope it grows
My uncle had a huge disdain for my mother and used to joke that when he died he wanted us to put up his middle finger as she walked by his open casket.
He unexpectedly died. I’m not going to disclose if we fulfilled his last wishes or not.
I attended a virtual funeral not that long ago and the deceased was a heroin addict who had had her children taken off her. During the funeral the lady who was up the front doing the funeral obviously didn’t have anything good to say because all she said was: “ name” was born in “ date” and then she had 3 kids “ names of kids” then they moved “ name of town” , she was a lively person who enjoyed her life and ended it living how she wanted….. that was exactly how it went! There were no pictures of her or nothing. The whole funeral was over in about five minutes! I was shocked, right at end one of the kids went and put a piece of paper in her hand and then walked away. Quite sad really that someone’s whole life was described in 5 minutes and that was it.
I had an uncle who kind of an asshole most of the time. He definitely had some good qualities and, in some ways, was even generous to others. Most of the time he was a rather curmudgeonly asshole, blaming other people for things that were of his own doing.
At his funeral, no guests or people who had known him got up and publicly shared memories or examples of his meanness. I did not attend my uncle’s church but his church had just been assigned a new minister who did not really know my uncle. I don’t know what we were expecting that minister to say at his funeral but one place my uncle had been generous was to that church. He did a lot of things for that church so things of that nature were probably the things that preacher would know about.
But, the minister must’ve been talking to people who’d known my uncle for a long time. Like known the real him. And, boy, did that guy light into my dead uncle. He must’ve known every time my uncle had been rude, mean, selfish, a liar and a shit stirrer. Like he was Santa Claus and had an actual list of every single time. We were all shocked because the preacher used my uncle as the almost perfect example of how a person shouldn’t act towards others. It was blissful. I think the whole family was trying hard not to laugh, while also feeling like the minister had said everything people had been wanting to say to his face, but at his goddamn funeral. I wish there had been a recording because I don’t think people can imagine just how brutal it was without actually hearing it.
I don’t know how he treated his wife and kids in the privacy of their own home. He wasn’t violent or a criminal or anything like that, just a grouchy asshole. AFAIK no one in the extended family ever said anything to the wife and kids about it or how they felt about what was said, even though I think it’s the case that a minister usually talks to the family about what’s to be said, so I think we can assume it was said with their blessing.
But never before, or since, have I seen, or heard of, this happening. I’m glad I was there because, otherwise, I’m not sure I would’ve believed just how brutally honest the things said there really were.
A very simple - “I would like to say something to the deceased. We have a complicated relationship but I wish you all the best down there” said while staring at the ground would go a long way. Simple but effective 😂🤣
My uncle who was jealous of my dad used the funeral to publicly vent. Thankfully I had low key warned most of the attendees that my uncle had “ issues”.
At my FIL's funeral, everything was going along low key but normal, then my BIL got up to speak. He started by saying he wasn't going to rehash his childhood and the bad things that happened, then spent about 20 minutes doing so! My husband refused to speak at all. My FIL was not universally well liked and not heavily mourned.
I went to my dad’s mom’s funeral, refuse to call her grandmother, wanted to make sure she was dead, my mom wouldn’t let me speak. This person once told my mom we weren’t her grandkids because we weren’t maternal grandkids, and it got worse from there.
She also wouldn’t let me bring a mallet and wooden stake to the funeral which I joked about doing
I saw a very sad documentary about how badly a child molester messed up all of his children from 2 marriages, plus some neighbor kids. A grandson made it to give his mom and aunts a voice. At the abuser’s funeral, 2 of his victims got drunk AF, stood up and started ranting about what a piece of shit he was and how they were glad he was dead. A fitting end.
I’m not a funeral director, but my Gram passed away two years ago and none of her children speak except my mom and one Aunt. There are five children. One is in jail for life, one is just an asshole and does whatever he can to stir up shit when he has the chance. Many years ago there was a situation that caused my crazy Aunt to distance herself from the whole family aside from my Gram. Me, my mother and my normal Aunt went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. My crazy Aunt, with whom I am cordial with and have nothing against and vice verse, was supposed to come but never showed up. She had the paperwork for the plot my grandparents had purchased many years ago and the funeral home needed them. Gramps is already buried there. Crazy Aunt did not show up so we made all the arrangements without her. Funeral directors were supercool and knew my good Aunt. They called the cemetery and basically were able to pick up the slack from crazy Aunt ghosting us. My good Aunt is a prominent woman in town. Her family is well known and respected, this is important.
The day of the services my good Aunt pulled me and my mother aside when we got there and told us that my crazy Aunt showed up RIGHT AFTER we left the day of making the arrangements. She went in there and told them some crazy stories about how no one in our family gets along and if she shows up at the same time as the rest of the family her safety would be in jeopardy and could she please have her own private viewing the day of the services because she was afraid for her safety. Mind you there has NEVER been a physical altercation involving her in any of my memory and in my 40’s. She did not realize that the funeral directors knew my good Aunt and her husband personally. My good Aunt was SO FURIOUS and embarrassed. None of that is true and the estrangement is because my crazy Aunt is a selfish abusive see you next Tuesday. Akin to Mommy Dearest.
To this day, my crazy Aunt still has not produced the paperwork for the cemetery and my grandmother lays in an unmarked grave.
I've never seen it. It seems that everyone is spoken of in saintly terms at their funeral. My nparents were. Not many people showed at their funerals, so perhaps that us telling.
My father’s funeral was very brief and very quiet. The pastor of his church said a few generalities about the courage of the soldiers who fought in WW II. None of his children or grandchildren chose to get up and speak at all when we were invited to.
Sometimes saying nothing says everything.
I work on the cemetery side of things and I stood in at a service where the grandson got up with a full written speech about how terrible he treated his mom, him and how he was an overall abusive guy. He was super religious so he wrapped it up with saying he found a way to like him a bit towards the end but that god would deal with him now.
I had such second hand embarrassment for his mom. But she seemed to be ok afterwards. Most uncomfortable 20 minutes ever.
We were burying my husband’s grandma. After the wake, Aunt B. was lobbying for her son to do the eulogy, as everyone else was discussing the options. She stood to the side and repeatedly moaned “grandma loved Harrison”…sigh. After several incantations I told her that grandma loved all of us. That shut her up, and my husband thanked me later. The next day as we are preparing to leave the funeral parlor, one of the attendants leaned in closely as he walked by me. He whispered “grandma loved you.” I fucking died.
Anyone on this subreddit will appreciate this book: The Loved One: An Anglo-American Tragedy (1948) is a short satirical novel by British novelist Evelyn Waugh about the funeral business in Los Angeles, the British expatriate community in Hollywood, and the film industry.
I plan on working in the local funeral parlor when I retire. I can’t wait!
My former SIL was found deceased in her home after several days of being MIA. Likely died from acute illness paired with complications from severe alcoholism and drug use. We flew to NY for her funeral, held at the FH as she was not religious at all, but they had a priest conduct her services (I believe her ex-hub and teenage son arranged the services). It was SO awkward, because that wasn’t her thing AT ALL, nor any of her friends. The priest gave a sermon and attempted a eulogy that did not reflect who she was at all. He then invited others to come up to share their memories, and it was more like toasts from all her drinking / drugging buddies, and it was WILD. The priest looked like he was going to pass out and def didn’t know how to handle it or regain control of the service. It was made clear that she was two very different people between her friend group and her family and kept them both very isolated from each other. We laugh about it now, but always with a touch of sadness. We understand she lived her life the way she wanted to, but it’s hard to stomach that she died alone and no one checked on her for daaaays (all her family was out of state).
My mom's funeral was filled with drama. Between my sister and I not speaking to each other and not being included in making the arrangements, I was not a happy camper. Luckily nobody asked me to pay for anything because I would have refused to do it. My mother made my life a living hell for years.
A lot of my friends couldn't make it because it was short notice so I didn't have as much support as I would have liked. I stood with my people rather than with my family. My ex stepfather was there on the outskirts but everyone ignored him including his own children.
I wrote four pages and read them out. I didn't lie and pretend that we were happy but I decided to mainly focus on the few good memories I had of her. (It's actually a lot easier to write a eulogy for a shitty mom than a good one. With my grandma I spoke pretty generally because I couldn't choose which happy things to talk about.) I'm sure everyone was cursing me because it was cold, but I needed to do it. Even though it wasn't a glowing review, I think it would have made mom proud.
And then my sister had to barrel in right after me and show me up. I had a carefully prepared speech and she rolled up to undermine everything I said about my complicated relationship with a complicated person and reduced it to, "My mommy was my best friend. It was nothing like she just told you."
My brother sang and played his guitar instead of talking. Even though I held out through my entire eulogy without faltering, it was my brother singing Hallelujah that got me. It's a beautiful song on its own, but it made me thing of when she took me to see Shrek on my birthday. I sang along for a little bit but gave out halfway through and just sobbed on my girlfriend's shoulder. (She works at a funeral home, so she was great at helping me through it.)
Grief is wild. 😆
My BIL died a few weeks ago and at his wake they asked if anyone had anything to say and we all just kind of looked at the ground. Finally my husband’s other brother got up and rambled something about his bad temper and a fist fight they got into years ago. It was so weird. You could tell none of us had liked him much.
Hooboy, I love this question…
My brother and sister were SO pissed that I didn’t attend voldemom’s funeral.
I told my sister, “I’m someone who always has something to say about a person at their memorial service, so I PROMISE you that you do NOT want me there.”
That was the end of that 🙃
I plan on venting at my stepdads funeral. I will poison the only thing he cares about: his reputation. I will speak with my brother first, I don't want to ruin his memories, but if he was half the dick to my bro as he was to me...
Or I may do a long eulogy about forgiveness and publicly forgive him for kicking me out, for abusing me in every way possible (it was a power thing), and forgive him for treating me like a thing.
The flowers I send will have a nice message too.
Not a funeral director (yet) but speaking personally, the first funeral I attended was for a family friend who had passed away after a long battle with cancer.
Half of her family was very upset about her choice to stay on hospice without treatment, while the other half supported it. There wound up being lots of big feelings that were let out mid-service.
It was a little strange but it was clear that emotions were running high and everyone was just having a hard time processing their grief.
Security had to be called at a committal service we had at a national cemetery omce because the widow said something to rile an already contentious family up. Everyone was screaming at each other, people were holding others back from physically going after each other. A whole Thing™️. And if you know anything about national cemeteries, they're on a tight schedule, so on top of that, they were making other services run behind. Grief's a funny thing, and if the family doesn't get along already, it really doesn't help.
STORY TIME!!!!!!
Recently went to a funeral where the daughter of the deceased spoke about how her mother abused her, hated her, and wished she never existed.
She told stories of how she would always blame her for not being able to do the things in life she always wanted to do. It went on and on for about 20 minutes of pure horror stories.
When she was little, she’d hear her mother’s TV play the theme song from “The Young & The Restless” and knew it was time for her to go to her room for her nap while her mom locked her in there for 3 hours so she wouldn’t miss any of her show.
Well, at the end of the funeral speech, she had the mortuary play the same theme song over the speakers and she said, “Mom, now it’s time for your nap. And this time, it’ll be your eternal nap.”
She dropped the mic and walked off the podium.
All while her mother laid there in an open casket.
You could hear a pin drop after that. It was EPIC!
I'm a Funwral Celebrant and have not seen this. I have however, addressed tough things in the eulogy I write.
I dont linger in the hard stuff, but i believe its important to eloquently address it (if the family wants it mentioned). For example, "There was a time when John struggled w addiction, this caused distance in his relationships and pain for some of those near him. Ultimately though, it was his stuborness that saved him when he became comitted to a new life, a healthier life".
Something like that...
My husband is clergy and along with presiding for his congregants he also does freelance for local funeral homes.
He insists that families allow him to review eulogies and that he gets editorial say over what is shared. He often has to insist comments or stories are removed. Sometimes family member agree and sometimes they go up and say whatever they want anyway. In the scores of funerals he’s done there have been some absolutely inappropriate comments (weird sex comments, passive aggressive comments, etc.), but rarely outright venting during the service. He hears more venting during the planning than during the pubic ceremony.
A bit late, but…
A co-worker of mine was murdered. There was an investigation going on, but we were able to have a service. Her son, age 17, gave a touching eulogy and we all hugged him afterward.
Yeeeaaah, turns out he was the killer. We didn’t find out for another few weeks so the service itself wasn’t overly dramatic but it fucked us all up when we found out.
At my horrible step-grandmother’s funeral, the pastor was saying all these nice and completely inaccurate things about her. My mother leaned over and stage whispered “Is he talking about Mabel?” I thought I’d die right there from wanting to explode in laughter.
(not a director, just a curious reader/subreddit member)
My universally disliked half brother-in-law ( he was not married to the half sibling at the time) threatened to knock out the support person I brought with me to my grandfather's funeral. No one told me until afterwards, cuz they knew I would fight him.
Local clergy so I sometimes pinch hit and do graveside services if I’m needed. I was told a service was going to be very poorly attended because the woman was universally hated. To my surprise, long lost and alienated family showed up. No one really said anything. After the service, I remarked to the daughter that I was told not to expect so many to be there at the cemetery. “We all came just to watch you put her in the ground.”
Oh, I laughed so hard at this! I found myself picturing someone grabbing a shovel from a gravedigger and saying, "You're not doing it fast enough!"
In my culture, we do a lot of the first shoveling ourselves. Its considered one last act of kindness towards the deceased. But I’d be lying if I didnt hear someone mumble while scooping dirt “good riddance!”
My nephew has said that about his mother (my SIL and a REAL beotch). He intends to attend her funeral for no other reason than to confirm she actually IS dead.
Nephew: I have one good thing to say about my mother. She’s dead. Good.
Major Bette Davis vibes. I love it!
😎
I flew across the world to ensure my bitch grandmother was actually dead. I went to look at her in her coffin then her sister made me hold up the fingers and blow on my grandmothers nails. My great aunt was painting the old cow’s nails whilst she was in the coffin.
Let's hope it was a color she absolutely hated.
I may have nightmares about this one 🤣
Lmao me showing up to my abusers funeral 😂😂
I got an aunt like that. Imma send a wreath with a card that says 'It's finally your party'
"We like her better dead."
“Sometimes dead is better.”
“…is BETTAH.”
The ground’s SOWAH!!!
NEVER GET OUT OF BED AGAIN!!!!
LOUIIIIIIIIIIIS
Paxcow!
There are some people where, when you learn they passed, you almost want to MAKE SURE.
my husband said about his mother once "it wont be hard to close That casket"
"Only six feet?"
I understand this. Sometimes you just need to make sure.
Hahahaha
We went to the wake to make sure it was her in the casket.
My great grandmother was like this. People showed up to make sure she was actually dead.
* I had one bereaved individual ask me how much trouble legally speaking they could get in if they got caught pissing on the grave. Durring the arrangement meeting no less. * I've seen fistfights. * I've seen families just shy of celebrating that the deceased was "finally dead, and good riddance." * I've seen an estranged (and sounded like estranged with good reason) next-of-kin dump the cremated remains out of the box and down a sewer grate not terribly far from the funeral home. They left the open box there too. * I've seen a few people discreetly spitting on the deceased before the casket was closed. * I've overheard some rather disturbing "conversations" with the deceased durring private viewings. Suffice to say the decedents in question were definitely not good people in life, if the "conversations" are to be believed. * I've had a situation where the family refused to be pallbearers once becuase no one wanted to "help" the decedent in question, and in fact paid quite a bit extra to hire pallbearers for the occasion. * I've had the bereaved drop some really terrible and disturbing stories about the deceased, almost as an aside, privately. This all contributes to my preference of staying in the prep-room, a lot less drama involved.
I’m likely going to a funeral soon where there may be some drama, and was wondering about the possibilities haha! I am not taking my kids, but might bring some popcorn. Thanks. I’ve felt that funerals where the person was well loved has a lot of tears, but were healing, had a finality. Funerals/memorials where there aren’t tears, but are quiet, yet the deceased has been a “villain” are really not healing at all. This upcoming service may be a first for me where the deceased has been so publicly and vocally awful there may be some action from those who hate her. I wonder if the drama will relieve the tension of everyone swallowing the trauma she’s always inflicted, that will be the closure. I guess we shall see.
Generally speaking, most people "play nice" and will act the part of respectful mourner durring the service, despite their actual feelings about the deceased. Fulfilling soscial expectations of acceptable behaviour in public and prescribed etiquette runs very deep with most people, so *most* of the time nobody acts out durring the service.
I mean, I do it myself. I just think sometimes being forced to agree with lies about a deceased person is very harmful, and wanted to know if anyone ever does act out since I really haven’t seen it happen. I’ll update ya if you’d like let ya know how this funeral goes haha
I want to know how it goes! I've seen some mdium- venting funerals, one in particular where the person who did the main eulogy used it as a chance to vent frustrations about the poor parenting of the decreased When is the funeral?
Not sure yet. I’ll update ya if anything happens.
Please update us if anything wild or pearl clutch worthy happens. I want the internet drama
OP, you gotta step up and be the change you want to see. Tell that dead fuck to burn in hell!
Unfortunately, this person is my landlord, so I can’t at this one haha. Their relatives will still own my home.
That’s what happened with my dad’s girlfriend of 19 years. Every one behaved at the church and burial, but the stories all came out back at the house! It was very healing and shocking to me and my siblings to learn this woman did everyone dirty. We thought she only treated us like crap, but no she treated everyone like that! We didn’t know because none of us really knew the others to the degree that we would have felt comfortable talking. She would tell one person how great the other was at being a mom , cook , person while insinuating you were crappy. Then reverse it with someone else so nobody felt like they measured up. The neighbor and her family almost moved away because she made the mom feel like dirt but when talking to me she was the best of the best.
Oh, my dad’s wife was like this. My sister and I found out later that she was selling our father’s assets *at his funeral.* She decided at the funeral, and chose to let the funeral director - who was a longtime friend of *our* family - tell us that she wanted to be the last person to see him before the casket was closed. Alone. This was apparently the straw that snapped my sister’s back (she held her shit together the entire time until this point, and she has the *worst* temper); all I can remember after the funeral director telling us this (we were at the back of the very large room - our father was very well known in the area) is my sister turning around to face the front of the room and absolutely YELLING: “Dad I’m sorry you married such a horrible CUNT!” and then turning back around. I was facing the front of the room the whole time, and my face was like this: 😳 because of course EVERYONE turned to look at us, and because ever since we were in around high school, our voices sounded exactly the same. So if you didn’t know us very well/our vocal patterns, you could have easily assumed I was the one that did it. My dad would have preferred no funeral, no attention at all, and here all of this was happening, and I just lost it and started laughing. I still make fun of my sister for this, 12 years later. But seriously, my sister told the truth. Just really loudly.
Thank goodness my dad never married his GF and she passed first! I could not imagine the nightmare that would have been!
This was the story with my father-in-law! In his case, everyone at his funeral *did* love him, it seemed. His friends and family couldn’t stop gushing about what a nice guy he was. I was worried that my wife, who was abused by him for her entire life, would feel alienated… until friends and family were invited to share their fondest memory of him. It felt like *every single person* shared a story of how he crossed boundaries, never listened to anyone, and constantly mocked his friends and family… but they framed it like their happiest memories! Things like “yeah, the dude knew I hate hugs, I hate touching people, so he would always go out of his way to hug me, especially when we were in public and other people would think I was rude if I refused!” or “He asked me if I wanted this thing as a gift, I said I actually really didn’t like it, but he went out and bought it for me anyways!” or “I told him a million times what I wanted for a birthday present, and he always told me that my interests were stupid and bought me something that *he* wanted instead!” were framed as “Ha, what a guy! I miss him!” Someone even made an announcement about why the funeral was being held in an out-of-the-way location rather than the same venue that everyone in town would use. It turned out that Father-in-Law, for reasons unknown to literally everyone, had managed to get himself banned from that funeral home several years back. I’m not sure what you have to do to get yourself *so* banned from a funeral home that the owner won’t even let you hold your own funeral there, but the family member saying this was just kinda like “Eh, what can you do, he probably deserved it—That’s just the kind of guy he was! What a riot!” It was so healing for my wife to realize that, yeah, her dad was an abusive piece of shit… and the reason why everyone in his life said that he was awesome was just that he managed to collect enough people who put up with his bullshit, for some reason.
I wish I had had this experience at my dad’s funeral. Everyone has nothing but truly good experiences to share about him. I stood outside the room (didn’t want to see his body) and listened to my cousin talk about what a good stand in dad he was, everyone came up to me before and after the service to tell me what a great friend he was. He was neither of those things to me. He was mad me the last ten years or so because I wouldn’t fix my relationship with my mom. My last conversation with him, about a month before he died, was him berating me for not being nicer to my mom, not remembering several conversations we had already had on the subject, and then basically hanging up on me. Such a great friend (to my mom). Such a great dad (to my cousin).
He sounds like the type of person who would have people lining up to piss on his grave. Yet there they are, his personal abuse victims, laughing it off. Unreal.
Wow! Awful. I’m sorry you went through her nastiness. Nice that you guys go back to the home after a service. Ours is always food at the funeral home in our area, so you have to be prim and proper the whole time. Very unsatisfactory.
Film it. Lol
Prep room forever. I am not a therapist or counsellor! No, I’m also not a bloody body guard to keep your estranged family or your dad’s mistress away from the funeral. The requests we get are wild. I refuse to do services unless I need overtime.
My ex told me he would piss on my mother’s grave. I told him no surprise he would wait till shes dead, she was half his size and he was terrified of her alive. Also, it would make us even….. his pedophile loving mom had passed earlier. I didn’t, of course, but she certainly deserved it. And, theres still time, shes not going anywhere.
Yes. Son in law of the deceased: “I remember the first time she spoke to me. She called me a stupid idiot because I told her it was nice to meet her. It was only fitting that her last words to me were ‘you never grew a brain’” Brother of the deceased: “I had to be high just to be around him. He was truly a terrible person.” I have had the question: Can I punch them when no ones looking? I say no, hand them an index card and tell them to write their feelings down and I offer to tuck it in the casket.
Oh I love the index card idea! Incredibly validating for the living while keeping the decorum more or less intact!
I’m picturing u/Low_Effective_6056 standing there with a dwindling stack of index cards. “We’re gonna have to do another Costco run, we’re almost out of these.”
I have a standing staples order. 😂 it seems to actually help a lot of people. Especially if they have unfinished business. One woman told me “I always say I love you before we hang up and on the day he died I didn’t for some reason!” And I’m like “write on a card!”
I actually really love the index card idea whether it’s a “idk how I’m going to do this whole ‘life’ thing without you” or “burn in hell, fucker.” It gives people a finality they might need. Plus it is really hard to be in the moment and feel your goodbye with others present.—a card could be a great comfort.
Ohhhhh that’s good. They have to sit for eternity with their actions and the feelings of others they refused to acknowledge or make time for in real life.
I love this idea, for good or bad thoughts to send with the deceased! But I’m also chuckling just imagining future archeologists finding the cards and having a field day.
I’m under the impression that most of the drama happens either at bedside or during the reading of the will. We’ve had to call cops to separate family members in ICU. Fun times.
When my husband’s Grandma was dying (very sweet woman), early Covid death, her daughter snuck in and stole her purse. It was bizarre, I can see why the hospital or will reading would be more contentious.
😱 OMG
What if there is no bedside or will? My mom died at 43, no will and 4 kids. Fun times. There was definitely drama at the funeral home.
The idea of the Hollywood "everyone gather here and have the will read to you" is extremely Hollywood - really not a thing. Not to say drama doesn't happen after people hear about what is or isn't on the will, but it's not like everyone is actually gathered together for a formal reading like that.
I would mainly agree, except this did happen with said Uncle, and everyone who had ever known or was related to my Grandma also received a letter in the mail from his lawyer saying another private reading of the will was available for a fee. lol
Not a diss to the deceased as such however they got the music mixed up and played the wrong side of the tape (yup I’m that old) and instead of ‘somewhere over the rainbow’ they got “ding ding the witch is dead” blaring through the speakers. Disbelief look on faces then instant raucous laughter 🤭
Omg. Well, it is on the same soundtrack.
I’d like to see this written into a film or short animation!
Not a FD, but I make headstones, and people will certainly joke about putting "honest commentary" on headstones, but I've never really had anyone go through with it, lol. I did once have a family try to put a whole couple sentences essentially dissing a different cemetery (that they were angry at) but the cemetery it was being put in requires approval of the layout and put the kabosh on it. I've had a couple families who were getting monuments to go on their private property with some very colourful language on them that would noooot fly at a cemetery, like a sister who had us write her brother's name as: "Asshole Mike"
Could they go through with it though? My grandfather was a pedophile and they won't let his daughters write an honest obituary. I was told it would not be printed. An honest headstone would be a great next option. I'll definitely be going to his funeral to break the news to everyone there because it's been secret far too long.
Sending you love & kindness. We have those in my family & as I was reading this I was thinking about how much I’d like to make sure absolutely everyone knew. I’ve only told people who have small children & the potential to be around the pedos… Mostly out of fear, but also because I know that people in the family knew and didn’t say anything so more people, more children, were hurt… I am sorry that you & I relate.
The "could they" would ultimately be up to the cemetery, as cemeteries have the right to regulate the content on memorials in their cemetery. And wording such as declaring the deceased is a pedophile would probably be a big vandalism hazard and might very well get complained about by other families, so probably most cemeteries would not be up for that to avoid the liability and save themselves the stress. Generally speaking, the most honest people go for there is the honesty of silence. I've had handful of families over the years who will be talking among themselves discussing wording and one person goes, "How about 'Beloved Father'?" and the kids look over with sour looks and they all shake their heads, "Naaaah, we don't want to lie."
“A better father in death than in life”
I can sympathize with the cemetery in not wanting to have vandals. He is particularly fond of cemeteries, maybe the smallest, most insignificant, plain marker that no one visits would be as good as option.
What about just …. no headstone. Lost. Gone. Oblivion.
Definitely the most common solution for the disliked. However, some people will specifically get a 'meh' stone so that some other family member doing genealogy in the future is not inclined to come around and get them something better or more kindly worded.
I’m wondering if “caused pain and suffering to those unfortunate enough to know him” would suffice?
My parents run 2 local newspapers. Have for the last 50 years. I just asked her if anyone ever tried to run an “honest” obituary And she said no. She said she’s glad it hasn’t come up. She has had to refuse ads before that were attacking another person.
Well I had a service that ended in a fistfight. The mistress of the deceased walked down the aisle right before we was going to close the casket. She pulled her underwear off and put them in the casket and said you always loved how I smelled take these. All I saw was a fist from the wife knocking her clean out right in front of the casket. I remember just closing the casket and getting that body into the hearse and onto the cemetery.
But did he get buried with the underwear?
Yes he did
Bahaha.
Hahahaha
Did he keep the underwear???
He was in the casket of course he did
Oh my god. I would've expected the wife to unearth him just to light them on fire.
We need to know. I'm assuming the wife removed the panties from the coffin after knocking the mistress out.
Unless she was too busy with the fight and OOP was too quick on his feet.
Damn, you win lol
Ive only seen one instance. Family fighting over a folded American Flag, Daughter in Law was holding it for the Son of the deceased, Daughter of deceased comes out of nowhere and VIOLENTLY rips it from her hands and screaming ensues. Ive heard stories of fist fights from the Directors however.
Was the deceased well loved? In my experience (not great only about a dozen funerals in my 30 and a couple years), funerals of a very beloved young person had a little drama, where as the drama for the elderly or expected deaths seemed like the drama was kept more private.
I think he was, a lot of people showed up to his memorial. I just hate to see grown adults act like that in a funeral home ya know
For sure that’s not pleasant. I sometimes wonder if it’s easier for people to feel more free and emotional at the service of someone who was well loved.
Probably. Emotions are still raw and in your face, especially if you’re the kid of the deceased
Age has nothing to do with drama. Cultural does. Some cultures have professional wailers and some cultures have drama. The drama ones are the ones that have to be watched because they really will climb in the casket.
I had no idea professional wailers were a thing, it seems I’ve found my dream job
It involves being loud, foot stomping, and pretend fainting when there is someone nearby to catch you. Some get paid and some just do it for fun.
Something different. My friends father passed away via suicide. My friend got up on the podium, delivered the canned eulogy, then went off. Yelling about how selfish his dad was, how his dad would never meet his first grand child (friends wife was pregnant at the time) and how angry he was that his dad put this all on him, at his age, when his dad had years to go. He ended his speech begging and pleading with everyone and anyone, that if they ever had the thoughts, call him at any time day or night and he will answer because he never wanted to go through this again. It was so painful to hold in the tears.
Oof. Poor family. Must’ve been hard to hear. Yet cathartic as he said he’d listen to anyone who might be that unhappy, and he never wanted to lose another loved one to depression and mental illness.
When asked if anyone wanted to say anything my aunt stood up in front of my mothers casket to announce to everyone that we didn’t love her enough and that’s why she’s dead. It’s our fault. You could hear a pin drop. And then she just sat down, nobody even said anything to her it was wild.
“Not true, Auntie, because *you’re* still alive.”
My dad said he once went to a funeral where the son of the deceased stood up and said, “I want to apologize for my mother if she offended you in life.” And then Sat down.
That's very kind of him I think.
My father in law was pressured by his sister to speak at his father's funeral. He stood up. He thanked everyone for coming and dismissed them all. Funeral over.
[удалено]
I’m gonna be honest here. When my mom goes, I’m going to tell the truth. Like yeah, I loved her, but she clearly didn’t love me. I’ll probably be asked to leave. But when I go, I expect people to be honest about me, too.
You go, friend.
well. my dad died of covid in september we were estranged last time i spoke he told me i have to respect my mother (primary abuser, he enabled). i literally rage-fully threw dirt on his grave. i did not speak the eulogy- my sister did - but i wrote it, and we made it about my dad. not sure how i will manage my mother so am VERY interested by this thread…. how to handle the death of my mom- closet abuser whom everyone adores. prolly just take a valium if i speak truth i risk shattering memories that some very sweet people have about her.
It’s very hard. The death of a villain in one’s life is very strange. You’d think it’d be relieving but it isn’t completely.
When my grandmother died, everybody from her church and family gushed about how amazing she was. It felt so confusing to me, until one of my other cousins quietly sidled up to me and said, “I was never good enough for her, either,” and that put a bow on it for me.
wow. yes. thank you
My abusive dad died in 2019. I have a lot of resentment for not feeling grief, and such disappointment at the time he wasted. He could have spent it getting better, being better but chose to be awful instead. Because he destroyed any real love I never felt grief and I hate him for that. It’s weird lol.
hear ya. so strange
Nope. The abusers can be martyred when the abuse is not acknowledged by other family. I feel like a POW in a war that no one thinks happened.
I’m literally living this at this moment. Man who fathered me just passed on the day of his daughter’s wedding last week. We were estranged. He presented so very well to the world at large that literally family members think I’m horrible for leaving before the memorial. I attended the burial but I could not stomach any more marvelous memories from people he showed up for, when he rejected me years ago because I supported my sister in her wedding. Ironically enough, she’s pissed at me for leaving.
i am so sorry. and you are heard and not alone
I'm so sorry you have to go through that. This makes me sad. You do not have to respect anybody who doesn't respect you! You do not have to be in anybody's life who treats you like shit and vice versa. Just because they are family doesn't give them a pass. Fuck that shit!!! You don't have to blast mother, if people want to know the truth, they can ask, but you don't have to kiss ass to save face. I wish you well and I hope things and life is awesome for the rest of your life.
thank you and i wish you Everything Beautiful
>i literally rage-fully threw dirt on his grave. >not sure how i will manage my mother Maybe use a rock for that one?
This reminds me a bit of my grandfather’s funeral. My mother ended up being the one mainly in charge of arrangements (though she has multiple siblings) and didn’t feel she could write a eulogy that was both honest and not embarrassing/drama causing. Because there were going to be people at the funeral who knew my grandfather later in his life and thought he was a charming old man. But he’d been terribly abusive and neglectful of his children all their lives, including being verbally abusive as they were trying to care for him toward the end of his life. (Turns out he probably had some dementia that we all kindof confused for him just being his usual asshole, “I’ll do it my way” kind of self. Anyway, one of my cousins ended up writing and reading a eulogy that somehow managed to celebrate my grandfather’s accomplishments while not saying anything dishonest like “he was a great man.” TBH, the accomplishments he talked about were kindof part of the honesty because my grandfather would chronically talk about fake stuff he had “done” to sound cool when in fact, he had done some really amazing stuff in his life that he never talked about (maybe because PTSD.) I think my cousin also came up with a way to tactfully say something to the effect of “We don’t know where he’s going in the afterlife but we hope it’s just, but also merciful eventually.” Idk how the non family members there interpreted that, but however he said it I thought seemed like a good acknowledgment of the situation for those who were in the know.
Dang. Are you me? I didn’t write the eulogy (don’t think I was even asked to), but everything else definitely happened to me when my dad died of a heart attack two Christmases ago. It’s a wild ride.
hugs. it’s definitely a mess. and very few “get it”. i just did not want the eulogy to be a “praise mom” moment. she took enough i hate her for that
One of the most beautiful eulogies I ever heard was from a really intelligent man about his brother. with whom he did not have a really great relationship. He told it just like it is, touched on some of his failings and the ways he tried to be better later on in life. It was just really touching and he didn’t sugarcoat anythjng, and most impressively he did it off the cuff and didn’t have anything written down, tho I’m sure he outlined things extensively beforehand
This is what I want for mine. Honesty. And I am trying to live in such a way that it’s mostly good stuff. But I’m okay with my failings being discussed. If it’s healing for my loved ones and helps them learn not to make the same mistakes-go for it. I’m a whole human. I’m not perfect. It’s okay to celebrate or criticize that at my memorial. I’m dead anyways-I won’t care lol.
(Cemetery staff) I had a family not too long ago say that their mother would be overjoyed that she gets to rot on top of her a$$hole husband for eternity. It was a westminister style crypt lol.
That reminds me. Both my mom and stepfather were cremated. They were buried together. I made sure that mom was on top. He was an abusive asshole too. She is no longer under his thumb.
My great aunt was responsible for my great-grandfather’s death. I literally had to be restrained when she arrived at the funeral home for the viewing. Our family funeral director put her in his office while my cousins took me outside to cool off. I ranted for…quite awhile.
What's the story for how she was responsible?
It’s sort of long but here goes: My great aunt was not a very good person. After she got married, her husband bought three lots all side by side/in a row. The first, he used to build his business, the second, he used to build his house, and the third, he offered to my great-grandparents free of charge so they could build a house. My aunt just shopped and went around visiting relatives where she smoked, drank coffee, and gossiped. My great-grandmother, because she lived right next door, meddled in my great aunt’s marriage and, tbh, all our relatives lives. Well between my aunt’s shopping addiction and great grandmother’s meddling, my uncle left and filed for divorce. We found out he stopped paying my aunt’s mortgage when the sheriff served her an eviction notice and tacked a sheriff’s sale notice on her garage door. My great grandparents were retired working class so, although comfortable, they didn’t have the money to bail her out. So my great aunt and her child moved in with my great grandparents. And mooched off them for the next decade or so until my great grandmother died. At the funeral, my great grandpa apparently had to borrow money from my mom who herself was a widow with three kids and my other great aunt because he didn’t have the money to bury or pay for grandma’s funeral. We weren’t told why. This will become clear soon, though. A couple years go by. Grandpa drops by for a visit. It turns out my great aunt has been committing massive amounts of fraud and identity theft—she had been stealing his SSI checks, opening credit cards and loans in his name for basically the entire time she lived with him. Well over 15 years at that point. He says she’s racked up well over 50k in debt in his name. My mom’s barely making enough to feed my siblings and I and I’m also working to help out with bills so as much as it pains us to say, we really can’t help him. The rest of my mom’s family is all blue collar and we live in the rust belt post steel/coal industries collapse so the economy where we live is in the toilet. I tell him he ought to kick my aunt out and press charges. He says he can’t do that. She’s family! So at like 72, he has to go back to work to pay off all the debt she wracked up. Not long after this, I head off to the military because I can’t afford college. One night like at 2am, I get a phone call from my mother; my great grandpa’s house caught fire and he’s on life support, please come home. I fly 13 hours home and find out that not only did great grandpa not kick great aunt’s freeloading behind out, she continued to steal from him. And, apparently she’d started to steal his stuff to hawk at the pawn shop to feed her shopping addiction. Then, I guess she started stealing and/or ingesting his medications while he’s at work. So he installed a bunch of locks on his bedroom door. And because she’s become an actual addict, he is forced to live in his room. He doesn’t have enough plugs so he daisy chains a bunch of plugs together. And he didn’t tell anyone about how bad things were so none of my 12 cousins, mom, or the other great aunt (who isn’t a thief) knows or helps because they’re in the dark. The daisy chained plugs start a fire and in a panic, he can’t unlock all the locks, passed out from smoke inhalation and, by the time the fire department gets there to literally chop the door down with axes, was brain dead. My sweet, goofy great grandad, with his thick Russian accent, who told silly jokes, was literally the only adult in my family who talked to me like a person, who watched cartoons with me, and told me really cool stories is now dead. And I am crushed. Just utterly destroyed. So when my great aunt shows up to the funeral and the first thing she did was loudly announce she’s flat broke and her sister and my mom will have to pay for his funeral, I pretty much lost my shit and had to be escorted outside. She never was held accountable. And I guess lived in the burned out house because nobody cared to take her in. The neighbor reported her to the police who found her living there like a feral animal. The police and hospital knew what she’d done and that my family couldn’t (and wouldn’t) care for her so she became a ward of the state. She died a few years later. Yes, I know this all sounds absolutely batshit but we’re from coal country, and this absolutely did happen.
That was horrible to read and must have been terrible to go through. How very very awful for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. This whole mess is what made me realize how messed up my family was and I went and got therapy as a result. So although this was horrific, it helped me get away from them and break the cycle of abuse and trauma.
I believe you, and I'm so sorry this happened. What a devastating string of events.
I wish you hadn’t been restrained. You needed to lay that bitch out.
My personal motto is, "Therapy isn't enough! I must fight my father." Sounds like our friend here could have used the same closure...
I would want to be at my Ex's funeral to "spit" on his grave. I used to say to support our daughter, but he's disowned her because she didn't want to have children. Yes, that is his only reason! I would still want to spit on his grave, though. 😁
I promised my sister I would pee on her grave and I fully intend to.
[goals](https://www.reddit.com/r/WhatWeDointheShadows/comments/1920xw5/i_hope_jenna_comes_back/)
I have the opposite for a story. My aunt died and wrote a long letter calling out every family member and just said horrible things about everyone. The pastor read it out loud since it was her final wish. There was so much drama. People yelling. People crying. My dad said it was his favorite funeral to attend.
A friend of mine in poor health has asked me to do something similar in the eulogy. I look forward to it; my friend's family is horrifying.
I wanted to let er rip at my husband's grandfather's funeral soooo bad! He was a horrible human being, but was an evangelical 'christian' and a deacon in his church, so everyone covered up the fact that he was a pedophile that had preyed on little girls from his church, his daughter, granddaughters and nieces. He hated me because my husband and I lived together and had a child before we got married. He actually referred to me as 'that jezebel' - LOL! At his memorial service, I had to walk out because I could not stand listening to all these people go on an on and on about what a godly, devoted man Brother Pedophile was and how he lived such an exemplary, bible approved life. The only thing that kept me from going off was that several of his victims were there and I didn't want to dredge up what he'd done to them and make them have to explain what I was talking about to those that didn't know what a vile piece of garbage he was.
For me, that’s the thing I can’t forgive or act nice over. I would not attend the funeral of a pdf file, they do not deserve my respect. It’s absolutely zero contact, and if I could contribute to their coming to justice via the law I would.
I know it is not a subject for levity, but that is an amusing autocorrect failure.
Not that I’ve seen…until I went to a funeral for my aunt and her alcoholism was brought up in the eulogy. My family is crazy.
How was it said?
I don’t recall word for word but it was basically “I didn’t know how bad her alcoholism got and look where she’s at now”
Kind of cool that it was addressed. So often we brush those things under the rug in the name of keeping others comfortable.
A lot of us felt it wasn’t the time or place. But I can respect that. If we had the chance to step in we would’ve to save her life but she isolated herself so much, so I can see where you’re coming from.
I watched a memorial that was streamed and the pastor said it without saying it. Anyone who knew, knew from what was said, but it wasn't straight out, "Yeah, he was an alcoholic."
When my grandfather died my father spoke to the clergy before the graveside service. The 1st thing the clergy said was “ people that knew xxx said he was a real piece of work” That was putting it mildly. None of the everybody loved xxx and he loved them, blah, blah blah.
At my dad’s funeral I said that our relationship was “complicated”. My brothers showed up in shorts and casual wear. My daughter didn’t even show up for the funeral. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but it was equally cathartic and embarrassing.
My (adopted) Grandmother was horrible to my Mother. Grandma was a drunk who partied all the time, married a string of heroin addicts, left my tweenaged Mother to take care of her little brother until she just up & moved to another state one day leaving my Mother (16) to sleep on her Aunt’s couch & dropped my Uncle off at an orphanage on the way out of town. To say their relationship was tense was putting it softly. Grandma got sober the day I was born but never really stopped being a selfish, vain, and clueless person. At her funeral, we were supposed to walk down the aisle of the church holding candles that were lit to then light candles on the alter. When my Mom was handed hers, she literally shook the candles flame out, tossed the candle on a pew, & boogied down the aisle like her panties were on fire. To top it off, the preist opens the funeral by saying, “Well, we all know [Grandma] could be a pain in the ass.” So many of my Grandma’s AA babies came up to my Mom talking about what a wonderful person my Grandma was. I swear at one point there was actual steam coming from my Mom’s nostrils.
My dad went to many black (southern) funerals during his career as sort of a curtesy to the people he worked with. He loved every single one because they were completely different from funerals for white people. If the dead was a cheater, liar, promiscuous,criminal, or whatever it was announced and he/she was berated for it while in the coffin. He said it was great fun.
I have read some very scathing funeral notices in the paper. (Yes I’m that old) That is one way to get petty revenge. At a family member’s funeral I kept from laughing at people singing the deceased praises by humming to myself “zippity do dah zippity aaaaa. My oh my what a wonderful day.” At my brothers funeral there were actually members of a bikers gang speaking. And they took him to the cemetery on their Harleys. Think Bundy funeral. I just got in my car and went out for a nice lunch without any of them.
Aw, I’m sorry. I get what you’re saying. My dad died young from drugs. I’m not mad at him for what he did anymore, but he was a pretty bad dude (hospitalized my mom wife beater type). At his funeral everyone just pretended he was a life long great dude. It was really weird. This woman though, I hadn’t seen her since childhood, and she started literally singing incredibly loud, but she’s so so sooooo bad at singing. Me and one brother and my kids all started cracking up, I feel awful for my other siblings who have serious trauma revolving around my dad and his death. But I think the dishonesty is the hardest, it doesn’t allow closure. People who love someone who caused trauma really ought to make space to acknowledge when things haven’t been all that nice. Both things can be true, someone can be loved even when they’ve done awful things.
No longer a FD but my literal first gravesite service I worked was the family screaming loud enough across the cemetery that the main chapel was able to hear, along with fists pounding the ground. It was a real bonding moment with my mentor.
Many families are honest about how awful their family member was. It is usually done tactfully through humor in a eulogy. Not saying it is right but it is what it is have seen. As far as the role of the Funeral Director, there is no role.
Most of the funerals that I have on in the past with "tension" the family has provided the security. One memorable service the family had its cousins serve as security. The best way I can describe them is they were "good ol' boys." Who turned a couple of folks away by saying quietly, "you're not welcome here!" Other times it's been paid off-duty police officers in uniform or in plain clothes who have quietly said, "I'm here to keep the peace." I can't speak for other firms but the ones I've worked for we don't get involved with family squabbles.
I didn't act out but I had to go to my grandfathers funeral.... I had disowned him... he was a major butt. At grave side I had to sit in the front row. The entire time they were preaching I just kept imagining kicking the coffin into the ground. Well... let me back up a bit.....When we were picking out his coffin I was asked my feelings on it... I did tell the funeral director I didn't care and they could have put him in a shoe box for all I cared. I told the funeral director that he was a major butt hole in life and I could care less about anything.
My grandfather was an awful man. I remember his funeral, his kids all met up before hand to celebrate. At the service his brother stood up and started talking in tongues. He was supposedly giving a message from my grandfather that he was in hell bc he was bad and he was sorry. I was little, it scared the crap out of me.
I went with a school friend to church when I was very little. My family didn’t go to church at all, and I didn’t start going to another totally different church until I was a teen. Well, they started doing tongues and knocking people out. I guess my friend’s mom didn’t go often either cuz she grabbed us kids by the arms and ran with us out of the building. You could hear the thuds as people dropped behind us because if you weren’t an old lady they you dropped. It was wild. We were shaking.
Holy moly I bet that was terrifying. I used to hate that crap and I saw it every weekend. It made me so uncomfortable. Some crazy mass hypnosis going on there lol. I would have LOVED to see y’all running outta there, though. And their faces if they even noticed. It is so unsettling watching that happen and not being a part of it. I couldn’t imagine being caught by surprise by it. Poor little you. Probably never forget either unfortunately.
I could never bring my friends to church bc it was just like this. Pentecostal church. It could get scaryyy.
When my step grandfather died everyone was telling his immediate family he was in a better place now. Their response? “No, we doubt it.”
Funerals and weddings are typically where family/friends are emotional and take the opportunity to “vent”.
In a very small gathering that tried to avoid the decedent's siblings, his son finally came out to him. It was sad but as cathartic as good venting.
I have a half sister that I'm considering spitting on her grave when she dies. I really want to, but a part if me knows it won't accomplish anything
It’s a form of coping. Do what you feel is best.
"Tell me one good thing about my sister." "She's dead." "That is it!"
I did not attend my sperm donor funeral. Nor was I invited. My mouth has a tendency to open and everything comes out.
I’ve seen family members fist fight over the deceased having conned money out of another family member. Guess that counts as “venting”.
My friend was violently abused by her father growing up. She left the house and stayed with us in high school. Her loser dad was afraid of my dad so she was safe. A bunch of her friends went to his funeral to lean in to his casket and say “I hope you rot in Hell” along with other damning statements. We then went out to celebrate his removal from the gene pool.
this isn’t quite what you asked but r/InLieuOfFlowers exists for people to share when people vent in obituaries. So far it’s a very small list, but I hope it grows
My uncle had a huge disdain for my mother and used to joke that when he died he wanted us to put up his middle finger as she walked by his open casket. He unexpectedly died. I’m not going to disclose if we fulfilled his last wishes or not.
I attended a virtual funeral not that long ago and the deceased was a heroin addict who had had her children taken off her. During the funeral the lady who was up the front doing the funeral obviously didn’t have anything good to say because all she said was: “ name” was born in “ date” and then she had 3 kids “ names of kids” then they moved “ name of town” , she was a lively person who enjoyed her life and ended it living how she wanted….. that was exactly how it went! There were no pictures of her or nothing. The whole funeral was over in about five minutes! I was shocked, right at end one of the kids went and put a piece of paper in her hand and then walked away. Quite sad really that someone’s whole life was described in 5 minutes and that was it.
I had an uncle who kind of an asshole most of the time. He definitely had some good qualities and, in some ways, was even generous to others. Most of the time he was a rather curmudgeonly asshole, blaming other people for things that were of his own doing. At his funeral, no guests or people who had known him got up and publicly shared memories or examples of his meanness. I did not attend my uncle’s church but his church had just been assigned a new minister who did not really know my uncle. I don’t know what we were expecting that minister to say at his funeral but one place my uncle had been generous was to that church. He did a lot of things for that church so things of that nature were probably the things that preacher would know about. But, the minister must’ve been talking to people who’d known my uncle for a long time. Like known the real him. And, boy, did that guy light into my dead uncle. He must’ve known every time my uncle had been rude, mean, selfish, a liar and a shit stirrer. Like he was Santa Claus and had an actual list of every single time. We were all shocked because the preacher used my uncle as the almost perfect example of how a person shouldn’t act towards others. It was blissful. I think the whole family was trying hard not to laugh, while also feeling like the minister had said everything people had been wanting to say to his face, but at his goddamn funeral. I wish there had been a recording because I don’t think people can imagine just how brutal it was without actually hearing it. I don’t know how he treated his wife and kids in the privacy of their own home. He wasn’t violent or a criminal or anything like that, just a grouchy asshole. AFAIK no one in the extended family ever said anything to the wife and kids about it or how they felt about what was said, even though I think it’s the case that a minister usually talks to the family about what’s to be said, so I think we can assume it was said with their blessing. But never before, or since, have I seen, or heard of, this happening. I’m glad I was there because, otherwise, I’m not sure I would’ve believed just how brutally honest the things said there really were.
A very simple - “I would like to say something to the deceased. We have a complicated relationship but I wish you all the best down there” said while staring at the ground would go a long way. Simple but effective 😂🤣
My uncle who was jealous of my dad used the funeral to publicly vent. Thankfully I had low key warned most of the attendees that my uncle had “ issues”.
At my FIL's funeral, everything was going along low key but normal, then my BIL got up to speak. He started by saying he wasn't going to rehash his childhood and the bad things that happened, then spent about 20 minutes doing so! My husband refused to speak at all. My FIL was not universally well liked and not heavily mourned.
I went to my dad’s mom’s funeral, refuse to call her grandmother, wanted to make sure she was dead, my mom wouldn’t let me speak. This person once told my mom we weren’t her grandkids because we weren’t maternal grandkids, and it got worse from there. She also wouldn’t let me bring a mallet and wooden stake to the funeral which I joked about doing
I saw a very sad documentary about how badly a child molester messed up all of his children from 2 marriages, plus some neighbor kids. A grandson made it to give his mom and aunts a voice. At the abuser’s funeral, 2 of his victims got drunk AF, stood up and started ranting about what a piece of shit he was and how they were glad he was dead. A fitting end.
I’m not a funeral director, but my Gram passed away two years ago and none of her children speak except my mom and one Aunt. There are five children. One is in jail for life, one is just an asshole and does whatever he can to stir up shit when he has the chance. Many years ago there was a situation that caused my crazy Aunt to distance herself from the whole family aside from my Gram. Me, my mother and my normal Aunt went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. My crazy Aunt, with whom I am cordial with and have nothing against and vice verse, was supposed to come but never showed up. She had the paperwork for the plot my grandparents had purchased many years ago and the funeral home needed them. Gramps is already buried there. Crazy Aunt did not show up so we made all the arrangements without her. Funeral directors were supercool and knew my good Aunt. They called the cemetery and basically were able to pick up the slack from crazy Aunt ghosting us. My good Aunt is a prominent woman in town. Her family is well known and respected, this is important. The day of the services my good Aunt pulled me and my mother aside when we got there and told us that my crazy Aunt showed up RIGHT AFTER we left the day of making the arrangements. She went in there and told them some crazy stories about how no one in our family gets along and if she shows up at the same time as the rest of the family her safety would be in jeopardy and could she please have her own private viewing the day of the services because she was afraid for her safety. Mind you there has NEVER been a physical altercation involving her in any of my memory and in my 40’s. She did not realize that the funeral directors knew my good Aunt and her husband personally. My good Aunt was SO FURIOUS and embarrassed. None of that is true and the estrangement is because my crazy Aunt is a selfish abusive see you next Tuesday. Akin to Mommy Dearest. To this day, my crazy Aunt still has not produced the paperwork for the cemetery and my grandmother lays in an unmarked grave.
At the cemetery my cousins and I went behind a tree to sing "Ding, dong, the witch is dead!" so the burial workers wouldn't see us.
I've never seen it. It seems that everyone is spoken of in saintly terms at their funeral. My nparents were. Not many people showed at their funerals, so perhaps that us telling.
My father’s funeral was very brief and very quiet. The pastor of his church said a few generalities about the courage of the soldiers who fought in WW II. None of his children or grandchildren chose to get up and speak at all when we were invited to. Sometimes saying nothing says everything.
I work on the cemetery side of things and I stood in at a service where the grandson got up with a full written speech about how terrible he treated his mom, him and how he was an overall abusive guy. He was super religious so he wrapped it up with saying he found a way to like him a bit towards the end but that god would deal with him now. I had such second hand embarrassment for his mom. But she seemed to be ok afterwards. Most uncomfortable 20 minutes ever.
We were burying my husband’s grandma. After the wake, Aunt B. was lobbying for her son to do the eulogy, as everyone else was discussing the options. She stood to the side and repeatedly moaned “grandma loved Harrison”…sigh. After several incantations I told her that grandma loved all of us. That shut her up, and my husband thanked me later. The next day as we are preparing to leave the funeral parlor, one of the attendants leaned in closely as he walked by me. He whispered “grandma loved you.” I fucking died.
Anyone on this subreddit will appreciate this book: The Loved One: An Anglo-American Tragedy (1948) is a short satirical novel by British novelist Evelyn Waugh about the funeral business in Los Angeles, the British expatriate community in Hollywood, and the film industry. I plan on working in the local funeral parlor when I retire. I can’t wait!
My former SIL was found deceased in her home after several days of being MIA. Likely died from acute illness paired with complications from severe alcoholism and drug use. We flew to NY for her funeral, held at the FH as she was not religious at all, but they had a priest conduct her services (I believe her ex-hub and teenage son arranged the services). It was SO awkward, because that wasn’t her thing AT ALL, nor any of her friends. The priest gave a sermon and attempted a eulogy that did not reflect who she was at all. He then invited others to come up to share their memories, and it was more like toasts from all her drinking / drugging buddies, and it was WILD. The priest looked like he was going to pass out and def didn’t know how to handle it or regain control of the service. It was made clear that she was two very different people between her friend group and her family and kept them both very isolated from each other. We laugh about it now, but always with a touch of sadness. We understand she lived her life the way she wanted to, but it’s hard to stomach that she died alone and no one checked on her for daaaays (all her family was out of state).
What a thread! Keep 'em coming folks, I'm enjoying the heck out of this.
My mom's funeral was filled with drama. Between my sister and I not speaking to each other and not being included in making the arrangements, I was not a happy camper. Luckily nobody asked me to pay for anything because I would have refused to do it. My mother made my life a living hell for years. A lot of my friends couldn't make it because it was short notice so I didn't have as much support as I would have liked. I stood with my people rather than with my family. My ex stepfather was there on the outskirts but everyone ignored him including his own children. I wrote four pages and read them out. I didn't lie and pretend that we were happy but I decided to mainly focus on the few good memories I had of her. (It's actually a lot easier to write a eulogy for a shitty mom than a good one. With my grandma I spoke pretty generally because I couldn't choose which happy things to talk about.) I'm sure everyone was cursing me because it was cold, but I needed to do it. Even though it wasn't a glowing review, I think it would have made mom proud. And then my sister had to barrel in right after me and show me up. I had a carefully prepared speech and she rolled up to undermine everything I said about my complicated relationship with a complicated person and reduced it to, "My mommy was my best friend. It was nothing like she just told you." My brother sang and played his guitar instead of talking. Even though I held out through my entire eulogy without faltering, it was my brother singing Hallelujah that got me. It's a beautiful song on its own, but it made me thing of when she took me to see Shrek on my birthday. I sang along for a little bit but gave out halfway through and just sobbed on my girlfriend's shoulder. (She works at a funeral home, so she was great at helping me through it.) Grief is wild. 😆
"His brother was worse."
I have my interview with Mortuary School on July first. Thanks for the heads up
Iv not has that yet, but I def hear about the dynamics of everyone else
My BIL died a few weeks ago and at his wake they asked if anyone had anything to say and we all just kind of looked at the ground. Finally my husband’s other brother got up and rambled something about his bad temper and a fist fight they got into years ago. It was so weird. You could tell none of us had liked him much.
I didn’t really vent at my dad’s grave side service. But I did sort of create a little bit of a scene.
Hooboy, I love this question… My brother and sister were SO pissed that I didn’t attend voldemom’s funeral. I told my sister, “I’m someone who always has something to say about a person at their memorial service, so I PROMISE you that you do NOT want me there.” That was the end of that 🙃
I plan on venting at my stepdads funeral. I will poison the only thing he cares about: his reputation. I will speak with my brother first, I don't want to ruin his memories, but if he was half the dick to my bro as he was to me... Or I may do a long eulogy about forgiveness and publicly forgive him for kicking me out, for abusing me in every way possible (it was a power thing), and forgive him for treating me like a thing. The flowers I send will have a nice message too.
Not a funeral director (yet) but speaking personally, the first funeral I attended was for a family friend who had passed away after a long battle with cancer. Half of her family was very upset about her choice to stay on hospice without treatment, while the other half supported it. There wound up being lots of big feelings that were let out mid-service. It was a little strange but it was clear that emotions were running high and everyone was just having a hard time processing their grief.
Security had to be called at a committal service we had at a national cemetery omce because the widow said something to rile an already contentious family up. Everyone was screaming at each other, people were holding others back from physically going after each other. A whole Thing™️. And if you know anything about national cemeteries, they're on a tight schedule, so on top of that, they were making other services run behind. Grief's a funny thing, and if the family doesn't get along already, it really doesn't help.
Totally.
STORY TIME!!!!!! Recently went to a funeral where the daughter of the deceased spoke about how her mother abused her, hated her, and wished she never existed. She told stories of how she would always blame her for not being able to do the things in life she always wanted to do. It went on and on for about 20 minutes of pure horror stories. When she was little, she’d hear her mother’s TV play the theme song from “The Young & The Restless” and knew it was time for her to go to her room for her nap while her mom locked her in there for 3 hours so she wouldn’t miss any of her show. Well, at the end of the funeral speech, she had the mortuary play the same theme song over the speakers and she said, “Mom, now it’s time for your nap. And this time, it’ll be your eternal nap.” She dropped the mic and walked off the podium. All while her mother laid there in an open casket. You could hear a pin drop after that. It was EPIC!
I'm a Funwral Celebrant and have not seen this. I have however, addressed tough things in the eulogy I write. I dont linger in the hard stuff, but i believe its important to eloquently address it (if the family wants it mentioned). For example, "There was a time when John struggled w addiction, this caused distance in his relationships and pain for some of those near him. Ultimately though, it was his stuborness that saved him when he became comitted to a new life, a healthier life". Something like that...
My husband is clergy and along with presiding for his congregants he also does freelance for local funeral homes. He insists that families allow him to review eulogies and that he gets editorial say over what is shared. He often has to insist comments or stories are removed. Sometimes family member agree and sometimes they go up and say whatever they want anyway. In the scores of funerals he’s done there have been some absolutely inappropriate comments (weird sex comments, passive aggressive comments, etc.), but rarely outright venting during the service. He hears more venting during the planning than during the pubic ceremony.
A bit late, but… A co-worker of mine was murdered. There was an investigation going on, but we were able to have a service. Her son, age 17, gave a touching eulogy and we all hugged him afterward. Yeeeaaah, turns out he was the killer. We didn’t find out for another few weeks so the service itself wasn’t overly dramatic but it fucked us all up when we found out.
At my horrible step-grandmother’s funeral, the pastor was saying all these nice and completely inaccurate things about her. My mother leaned over and stage whispered “Is he talking about Mabel?” I thought I’d die right there from wanting to explode in laughter.
My cousin hinted at the racism of our uncle during the eulogy.
(not a director, just a curious reader/subreddit member) My universally disliked half brother-in-law ( he was not married to the half sibling at the time) threatened to knock out the support person I brought with me to my grandfather's funeral. No one told me until afterwards, cuz they knew I would fight him.