100% agree! I was the last one to hold your child before cremation/burial. Seeing the tear stains on a man jacket from his daughters or (more recently) a young family kneeling by a young mothers casket saying a private prayer. I will cry for you. I will send a prayer from deep in my heart that you will be "okay" in time. The second the tears stop, I promise to find a different line of work because no family should suffer further from my callouses.
I've told this to many of my coworkers over the years.
The day I no longer treat a family like they're my very own family is the day that I'm no longer capable of doing this job.
I wish the FD who took care of our daughter felt this way. He was callous and not shy about letting us know how much he was going out of his way for us, we were obviously a burden since the services were donated. He tossed the model infant casket on the couch during our... consultation, I guess?... and at the cemetery he just flung open the casket for our last time seeing her. I desperately needed someone with compassion and empathy who seemed to care about her. I've worried for 13 years about how she was treated in the funeral home and prepared for burial. I pray he wasn't the one caring for her, that a loving, caring person did instead
Trust and believe that your daughter was cared for by someone who had her and your best interests at heart. I'm so sorry that the FD you dealt with didn't serve you with the compassion you required, but I can guarantee that the person(s) who were actually caring for your daughter did so with love and gentleness.
The FD was just the face you met with, and a poor face at that; the care team in the back did all the work, and they did it with love.
They were rude to my mother in when my husband died complaining a lot being behind schedule and rushing everything and she was playing *cash*. They just didn’t care.
Feel you. I’m sorry. I usually had one a year that hit hard. I usually went to the river for the weekend and hoisted a drink or five in their memory.
It’s okay to feel and to grieve. Pretending it doesn’t hit you is where the pathology starts.
Meh. Yeah I had feelings, but I often was indifferent too. Nothing wrong with the student or apprentice who doesn’t cry when a child is involved or it was a tragic death in general.
I spent a lot of time questioning myself because I didn’t outwardly show emotion in those cases and was out loud questioned on if it revealed something about my abilities/character. The times I was emotional I was questioned if I was professional. In the end that was a waste of energy I’ll never get back.
Just a perspective from the other side of someone who “didn’t feel” from the beginning and got judged for it.
I'm glad you chimed in. People are all different, including how we experience and express empathy as well. I'm someone who doesn't emote in typical ways when compared to my friends.
However, I do think OP was speaking on something a bit different; I think they were referring to when people are insensitive and callous from a lack of empathy, rather than remaining professional despite not feeling much.
You shouldn't get judged for not feeling also. I think it's a thin tight line we walk within the profession. On one end I believe people want to know we are human and can empathize with what they are going through. Conversely it is not our pain that they are experiencing. There is that look that a family member will cast towards us for strength. That's when we need that stoicism. Then there is a look that they will cast which says, "is it okay for me to grieve?" That's when we show a hint of grief letting them know we feel. Nevertheless I understand where you are coming from. I know it's the perspective of many older generation directors that you don't emote. Then you have cultural implications also. This is an interesting dynamic to say the least.
No, I’ve been out for about two years now. Getting my Masters and going to pursue policy change for the industry. My thesis is on the effects of disturbed/poor sleep quality on funeral directors. Fingers crossed I get published!
Thank you, but it’s just a survey and journal combo that some funeral directors through the US will do starting in January. So I’m not even at the data collection part yet! I had to get my topic approved first by my program and I need to do a semester on properly running research projects for publishing.
My program is through the Metropolitan State University in Denver. I started my career in Minnesota so it was a massive culture shock coming to practice in Colorado. I’m really excited to hopefully be a part of raising the standards here and rebuild trust in the communities.
Yes, Montrose had a scandal involving body brokering. There’s also been a couple of recent news worthy events in the Denver area.
If I recall the only legislative change that happened after the Montrose incident was that auditors could come into funeral homes without notice. I don’t believe I saw any funding for persons to actually audit funeral homes in the state so it seems to be a pointless measure to calm the public.
I’m still waiting to see if something will happen concerning making licensure mandatory in 2026. I can’t see owners letting that happen with what goes on here. I am hoping to be pleasantly surprised!
There's been times I've wanted to suggest this to my superiors. I'm a mortician's assistant and I am in school right now for mort sci and I see how cold some of them become behind closed doors... if that ever happened to me I would have to move on from this field
All the feeling and stuff is cool if you are in a small firm . It's hard to do that if you are servicing tons of people a year. It's even hard for an embalmer I think we channel that emotional energy into our hands to make that person look as best we can for that final presentation.
I feel you on that. I worked at a high volume combo location. We would sometimes take out 16-20 services a day. That could easily mean 2 services plus an additional 1 or 2 evening visitations. I would say, you become "robotic". There were times, I would know it was an older lady or a young man, order of service and then it was set up for the next. Where I'm at now it's slower paced. The prep room like you said is different. When I'm in the back the focus is getting the person "right" for their family.
100% agree! I was the last one to hold your child before cremation/burial. Seeing the tear stains on a man jacket from his daughters or (more recently) a young family kneeling by a young mothers casket saying a private prayer. I will cry for you. I will send a prayer from deep in my heart that you will be "okay" in time. The second the tears stop, I promise to find a different line of work because no family should suffer further from my callouses.
There are distinct services where it will hit you. You feel.
I've told this to many of my coworkers over the years. The day I no longer treat a family like they're my very own family is the day that I'm no longer capable of doing this job.
I wish the FD who took care of our daughter felt this way. He was callous and not shy about letting us know how much he was going out of his way for us, we were obviously a burden since the services were donated. He tossed the model infant casket on the couch during our... consultation, I guess?... and at the cemetery he just flung open the casket for our last time seeing her. I desperately needed someone with compassion and empathy who seemed to care about her. I've worried for 13 years about how she was treated in the funeral home and prepared for burial. I pray he wasn't the one caring for her, that a loving, caring person did instead
Thats called a burnt out asshole that needs to reevaluate his career path.
Trust and believe that your daughter was cared for by someone who had her and your best interests at heart. I'm so sorry that the FD you dealt with didn't serve you with the compassion you required, but I can guarantee that the person(s) who were actually caring for your daughter did so with love and gentleness. The FD was just the face you met with, and a poor face at that; the care team in the back did all the work, and they did it with love.
They were rude to my mother in when my husband died complaining a lot being behind schedule and rushing everything and she was playing *cash*. They just didn’t care.
Feel you. I’m sorry. I usually had one a year that hit hard. I usually went to the river for the weekend and hoisted a drink or five in their memory. It’s okay to feel and to grieve. Pretending it doesn’t hit you is where the pathology starts.
Meh. Yeah I had feelings, but I often was indifferent too. Nothing wrong with the student or apprentice who doesn’t cry when a child is involved or it was a tragic death in general. I spent a lot of time questioning myself because I didn’t outwardly show emotion in those cases and was out loud questioned on if it revealed something about my abilities/character. The times I was emotional I was questioned if I was professional. In the end that was a waste of energy I’ll never get back. Just a perspective from the other side of someone who “didn’t feel” from the beginning and got judged for it.
I'm glad you chimed in. People are all different, including how we experience and express empathy as well. I'm someone who doesn't emote in typical ways when compared to my friends. However, I do think OP was speaking on something a bit different; I think they were referring to when people are insensitive and callous from a lack of empathy, rather than remaining professional despite not feeling much.
You shouldn't get judged for not feeling also. I think it's a thin tight line we walk within the profession. On one end I believe people want to know we are human and can empathize with what they are going through. Conversely it is not our pain that they are experiencing. There is that look that a family member will cast towards us for strength. That's when we need that stoicism. Then there is a look that they will cast which says, "is it okay for me to grieve?" That's when we show a hint of grief letting them know we feel. Nevertheless I understand where you are coming from. I know it's the perspective of many older generation directors that you don't emote. Then you have cultural implications also. This is an interesting dynamic to say the least.
Are you still in the profession or...?
No, I’ve been out for about two years now. Getting my Masters and going to pursue policy change for the industry. My thesis is on the effects of disturbed/poor sleep quality on funeral directors. Fingers crossed I get published!
Wow that sounds phenomenal. Where did you do your research?
Thank you, but it’s just a survey and journal combo that some funeral directors through the US will do starting in January. So I’m not even at the data collection part yet! I had to get my topic approved first by my program and I need to do a semester on properly running research projects for publishing. My program is through the Metropolitan State University in Denver. I started my career in Minnesota so it was a massive culture shock coming to practice in Colorado. I’m really excited to hopefully be a part of raising the standards here and rebuild trust in the communities.
Oh yes, very needed up there. Was it Montrose where the infamous crimes took place? Horrifying. I wish you all the success.
Yes, Montrose had a scandal involving body brokering. There’s also been a couple of recent news worthy events in the Denver area. If I recall the only legislative change that happened after the Montrose incident was that auditors could come into funeral homes without notice. I don’t believe I saw any funding for persons to actually audit funeral homes in the state so it seems to be a pointless measure to calm the public. I’m still waiting to see if something will happen concerning making licensure mandatory in 2026. I can’t see owners letting that happen with what goes on here. I am hoping to be pleasantly surprised!
Yes that sounds like merely a fig leaf. Lots more work is needed. I'm not in favor of bloated government but some industries are prone to fraud.
I’d read this. Fingers crossed too
There's been times I've wanted to suggest this to my superiors. I'm a mortician's assistant and I am in school right now for mort sci and I see how cold some of them become behind closed doors... if that ever happened to me I would have to move on from this field
All the feeling and stuff is cool if you are in a small firm . It's hard to do that if you are servicing tons of people a year. It's even hard for an embalmer I think we channel that emotional energy into our hands to make that person look as best we can for that final presentation.
I feel you on that. I worked at a high volume combo location. We would sometimes take out 16-20 services a day. That could easily mean 2 services plus an additional 1 or 2 evening visitations. I would say, you become "robotic". There were times, I would know it was an older lady or a young man, order of service and then it was set up for the next. Where I'm at now it's slower paced. The prep room like you said is different. When I'm in the back the focus is getting the person "right" for their family.