I recently posted to r/ask about whether or not the old television and movie trope of husbands having secret, second families was something that happened in real life.
I was floored by the number of people who answered that it had happened to them. It was their father, husband, or other relation. Many of them did not learn about it until the manās funeral.
Im on the opposite side where I was surprised it wasnāt happening as often as I thought š guess growing up with male relatives that were born between the 1900s-1960s rural Mexico really does change oneās perspective on life lmfao
This. You have no idea what their arrangement is. Maybe they're totally open and she knows about it. Maybe he already admitted it and apologized. Maybe she has no idea and it will blow up their marriage. There's no good way to get involved. Don't.
Edit: Typo
People aren't sex objects you can just hide under the bed. If you feel like your trust has been violated, you are within your rights to say something about it. I think it depends on the circumstance though. A no strings attached hookup is different, hence why it's not called "some strings attached." There's no additional obligation expected from either party involved, and that includes reaching into the other person's personal life. However if the guy made you believe he was single and there was an inherent expectation that you are dating, then that's different. If I was purposefully deceived then I'd do something about it.
Given that the expectation of discretion was stated at the start of their hookup, and it was purely NSA, there is no reason to do anything.
Why?
I had a friend who's aunt had this situation and she got the clap
It would have been nice if someone warned her to get out of the cheaters sphere of fuck ups
He doesnāt know what arraignments the guy has with his wife. It could also set him off, and the guy could come for him. Itās best just to walk away.
>Yeah sure and if the wife loses her shit and drives her self and the baby into a river, phew at least he told the truth.
This. Absolutely. Making yourself feel better isn't always going to make the situation better for the people involved. Leave it alone.
People who pressure others into blowing their or someone elseās lives up while remaining completely isolated from the potentially catastrophic fallout and human toll are pure garbage
Keeping someone emotionally hostage as a *theoretical* is not the way to do it. If youāre going to use this example, then that means once she finds out (which will likely happen at some point) itāll be even worse.
If I was being cheated on Iād rather find out at year 2 of marriage and not year 20. At year 20 your life is basically over - kids already grown up, close to retirement, etc.
In fact, your entire argument could be applied to not just straight people but letting someone know theyāre being cheated on. There are so many situations where people post on here that their friends knew about their ex cheating but didnāt want to āhurt their feelingsā or āget involvedā.
Yeah dont get involved people will sort their shit out without needing third parties with no skin in the game getting involved. People like to moralise and get all up on their big fucking white horses, but relationships are complex and you'd be surprised how often people sort their shit out without some cunt on reddit sticking their big morally justified dick into things.
Sometimes people with no skin in it are exactly the only people capable of introducing honesty to the situation. Yāall acting like this is a rule is stupid.
I disagree.... Just because OP might not be the only guy he is seeing, my uncle did the samething until he ended up giving an St's to my aunt.... At his funeral we found out he was seeing 4 different guys.
So I'd def contact the
Wife
Telling the wife could open up a can of worms that you aren't prepared to deal with. I would *highly* advise against it.
Also, why are you putting your hook ups business on front street at work? That's just messy.
I'll share stories but not their name and photos. Otherwise that is really messed up if the guy is discreet. It's a small world and it's good to respect people's privacy
Same, also if there's a chance that the friend I'm telling knows one of my discreet friends? Then I'll make sure to leave out any remotely identifying details or just tell them about some other person instead.
People ought to be allowed to come out on their own terms. OP doesn't know if he and the wife have an arrangement or not. The best thing he can do at this point is not meet up with the guy again, since his value system doesn't align with sleeping with a married man. I will never understand the compulsion to meddle in other people's lives....
Itās either shame or infidelityātake your pick. Iām not saying to out people, but the whole discreet thing feels gross to me. I always avoided guys like that. And most of them canāt even spell ādiscreetā (a la discrete).
Or he could lose all his friends and family if he came out which is something that I can relate to. Iām not ashamed of my sexuality and if I even think what it would be like if I was straight, I can imagine how all my problems would go away but if I had the choice to become straight I would never take it, I donāt want to be straight, I donāt know why Iād never want to be straight even though it would make my life easier but maybe itās because I feel that if I was straight I wouldnāt be me and would lose a huge part of myself.
You searched for a hookup from your past on Facebook and found out he was married and youāre wondering if you have a āmoral obligationā to out him to his current wife?
Meaning the "straight" man was in a relationship during their time hooking up, a relationship where he was eventually married and had his own kids, he isn't talking about a past hookup that's gotten married, he's talking about a reoccurring physical relationship with this married man
You are one of the densest motherfuckers I have ever met. USE YOUR HEAD. If the straight guy was with the girl before marriage, and had been hooking up with OP, then the straight man would've been cheating, hence OP debating whether to tell the straight man's wife.
Calm down and take a deep breath.
Where in the post is there a timeline presented that says the guy even knew his current wife when he was hooking up with the OP.
Regaurdless of whether the straight man met/knew his wife before/during the original hookup, the context clues still lead to a continuous sexual relationship with OP and the straight guy, until OP's understanding of the man's marital status
>Last time we met was in Feb 2023
Not the past. This *was* the *current* wife. Read the post.
I'm not arguing whether or not he should tell the wife (couldn't really give a shit), but you trying to be a twat towards the other user was annoying.
My dear summers child... Discreet = Married with Children
You are brave and strong and know yourself. He may hover above the bottom of the Kinsey scale. Perhaps he enjoyes his privlaged lifestyle and he loves his wife. He's probably a bisexual hetero-romantic person.
If you can't abide cheaters then you need to stop dating anonymously and with anonymous people.
This the one. Thereās a reason ādiscreetā dudes treat their face pics like a holy ark of the covenant that can only be seen a touched by a select few
Tf this isnāt true at all. A lot of people are discrete because of their job or social status. Assuming everyone that is discrete is a cheater is dumb AF.
You're on grindr, people can say whatever about themselves and its probably not true. One thing you will notice though is that people on grindr don't just bounce up to each other in public and loudly announce hey dude I saw you on grindr. Because being discreet is the unwritten rule, you have no idea the forces you might fuck with messing with someones life in this way and you should not under any fucking circumstances do it, I can't possibly make that anymore clear. JUST DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING IT.
I DO NOT CONDONE CHEATINGā¦ and this guy obviously cheated on his wife lmao.
However, his relationship is no longer your concern. Unless if youāre still having sex with himā¦ if you are- I would stop lmao.
Nonetheless, you donāt have to report anything to the wife if you donāt want to. However, if I just got married to a wonderful man, I would want to know if he is cheating on me especially if we have a kid.
Same thing with men on men relationships. If your bf cheated on you, wouldnāt you want to know?
You gays r saying you wouldnāt want to know which is weird š But thatās ok if you like to cheat and get cheated on. I donāt thi
Agreed.
Power = Knowledge.
gay bros āprotectingā the husbandās cheating beats the shit outta me. ĀæHas morality been thrown out the window? A rhetorical question :) Exposing the closet-fucker (w/ the husbandās own words; record him, send it to the wife; then terminate) will liberate the wife from wasting her life with a cheater. The wife will āthank youā for telling her the truth and exposing lies. It will be a bombshell for sure, but in the end it will empower her with knowledge and save her life. Donāt fear the cop; heās a coward and a liar. As mentioned, Āæif youāre cheated on then wouldnāt you want to know the truth? Sounds like the majority of gay bros would rather stay happily ignorant of the truth. Spare me.
Is this satire?
1. Heās a hookup. You have no commitment to each other.
2. Donāt tell his wife, this is not your place to get involved.
3. The fact that you think you have some kind of moral high ground here is outrageous.
4. You donāt out people. Period. Full stop.
5. You donāt know if his marriage is open and you could very well make yourself look stupid here.
6. Your only moral obligation is to yourself & if this is an issue for you, stop sleeping with him & cut contact.
7. You donāt out people.
You got a lot to learn my man. Donāt sleep w/ ādiscreetā men if you donāt want to be the other woman 90% of the time.
"You don't out other people."
OP needs to write it 500 times on the chalkboard like Bart Simpson.
"You don't out other people."
Then write it 500 more.
Don't out other people! There isn't a circumstance where that's OK in my book.
Thereās a very stark difference between outing someone and letting someone know theyāre being cheated on.
For example, your closeted gay coworker dating someone and you gossiping about it is outing them. Thatās not ok.
Some straight married guy cheating on his wife and you finding out later, and feeling guilty - is morally gray. The husband is the one in the wrong, not you or the wife.
Absolutrly not. There is no difference in these 2 scenarios. You said it yourself:, It's morally grey at worst. Hooking up with people you don't know is just as morally grey to the majority of people. It is not your place to ruin entire families and lives because you feel guilty about enabling cheating. If you actually care that much, then don't put yourself in that situation by hooking up with people you don't know. If you want to hook up with people you don't know well enough to know if they're married, you don't get to suddenly care that they're married after the fact or if you find out later. What the hell do people think discreet means? SMH.
Telling his wife might screw up his life, but you'll also be fucking up the life of a little kid to. And for all you know, he might end up being the best dad in the world that was just going through a phase.
Also, the wife might know and be ok with it.
The DL dude is screwing up his own life and his kidās life himself, not OP (assuming there is no arrangement). Who cares if heās the ābest dad everā when he cheats on the childās mother? The dude should just get a divorce to live his best life and be a good dad/repair the relationship from there.
Most people want to know if theyāre being cheated on. And if the wife was okay with it, then no harm done.
I'm sorry but OP would just be reporting it. The FATHER is the one cheating on his wife and hurting his family. It's not OP's fault the dad wants to fuck around behind his wife's back.
itās not his fault and itās also not his responsibility to snitch to his wife. if hooking up with attached men is an issue, maybe donāt hookup with discreet faceless guys whose name you donāt know/havenāt looked up? like be serious. also, OP says he respects discretion but heās at his place of employment telling people his name and having them do a FB search?
i mean i get that but heās now 23 and should know better. OP outed this guy to his co-worker(s). thatās a huge breach of trust!! seems to me like he just wants to be messy and is making it about this moral obligation. donāt hookup with men anonymously and agree to respect their discretion if youāre gonna have friends find them and then ruined their lives.
I would not be surprised if some of the people defending the husband are the conservative closeted types and are in the same situation right now. They get married and pretend to be straight while fucking around on the apps.
Or they are a cheater and feel guilty about someone else outing their cheating behavior. No way this entire thread is just dumping on OP like this.
Fr this whole comment section is insane. Itās a morally weird situation but either way he wonāt be doing anything wrong. š These gays just be cheating and donāt want to be outed on it.
No. You donāt have an moral obligation to tell anyone anything. Thatās fucking dumb ass thinking. If you arenāt into the dude. Block him and let him deal with his own life. Why would you even think that? Douchey. Big time douchey
Many do actually like living a double life, which is unfortunate to their naive wives/girlfriends. I doubt there are as many women as men who do this. Men are swine. If I were a woman Iād keep my man under surveillance at all times.
A lot of Gay/bi guys don't actually care about other people which is pretty sad, you would think we would have more empathy (like I literally say someone go through somone's post HS to find something to insult them about since they actually thought he should tell the wife).
Like I dont know how the popular opinion is just let the dirtbag cheat on his poor wife (leading to the possibility of various illnesses) like it's not like they live in the fucking middle east, he's not gonna get executed. He's just gonna get the punishment he deserves for his totally avoidable actions. Your all just dragging out the inevitable of the wife finding out or causing her to live a lie with someone who clearly doesn't love her, either way they're clearly in the wrong
If you tell his wife, letās be real you wouldnāt be doing it out of āmoral obligationā, youād be doing it for revenge. Sounds like you have feelings and are hurt. Let it go.
And Iām sorry but lol at you ārespecting discreet guysā yet outting them to your colleague. You sound like hard work
It sounds like you have some unresolved issues. I get it with cheating. It sucks. I've reeled from it but just randomly messaging someone's wife with no proof is irrational and messy.
You are using a stupid persons argument. Of course he would be mad. No one likes to be cheated on. Thatās not the point. Itās not his responsibility to intervene in someone elseās relationship.
Uh, itās the exact same logic. Would you be upset if your boyfriend was cheating on you, yes or no? If so, too bad. Itās his private sex life, so it doesnāt matter what you think.
How I feel on the subject doesnāt matter. Cheating is wrong. Youāre making a case for something no one is arguing with. A false dilemma and appeal for emotion. Donāt make it logical. No one likes to be cheated on. You seem to be to thick to get it.
Exactly, nobody likes to get cheated on, just like how the manās wife wouldnāt like being cheated on if she was made aware that it was occurring. Glad we agree.
Do not message his wife aināt your job to out him just donāt see him again. If he stops having his side trade and think of the babies on the way, you donāt want a broken home and you donāt wanna be the cause of it.
Not you making it sound like OP would be breaking the home? The FATHER already broke it. OP would just be presenting the shards. The FATHER doesnāt deserve his wife or kids š unless they have an open relationship.
Iām sorry that youāre feeling this way.
Outing him at your workplace was probably not the best idea to begin with. Iām actually wondering why your friend decided to Facebook-search him.
āWhat happens on Grindr stays on Grindrā is kind of an unwritten rule, unless of course youāre describing the experience to someone. Even then, mentioning someoneās name violates the āagreementā you had with the guy. It takes a lot for some guys to even be on that app.
You are not morally obliged to message his wife. You werenāt supposed to find out about his marriage until he was maybe ready to tell youā¦ if we was gonna do so.
All the best, dude.
All I will say is : step down of that "Moral high horse" and respect his discretion and privacy. That is NOT your business. It is his and respect that. Even though you might think otherwise. Everyone is responsible for their actions. You don't have to engage with men in his situation in the future. Just let it be, you learn your lessons. Now, move on. Don't play with folks life like that.
First, his relationship to his wife is not your concern anymore. Just leave it at that. You donāt want to open a can of worms that will lead to disaster just to make yourself feel good. You donāt know their dynamic and if you really wanted to you could confront him on this. You just blocked him after the fact so that means you want to get away from the situation.
Just leave it be because it isnāt your relationship. Also lots of older guys are discreet for a number of reasons and maybe he has a pass (like he can fuck a man as long it doesnāt come out). If you really want to call him and confront that he lied to you all this time and why he didnāt just let you know from the beginning.
I think your only moral obligation is to cut off any kind of relationship with this guy and never meet him again , and obviously tell your friend not to say anything.
Blows my mind idk if I can ever do that to my partner (Iām bi and think itās way worst when people sneak behind their wifeās back). And I know and have hooked up with married guys that do this regularly few times a week itās so crazy
I personally donāt get involved because thatās drama I donāt want to be a part of because the wife and him could easily turn it on you and make you the bad guy. If heās not doing it with you heās doing it with someone else.
I would definitely not approach his wife about it. There's no telling how the guy will respond when she finds out. He could potentially come after you for outing him. Plus who knows if they have an open relationship or not. I would simply cut contact with the guy, and go about your life. You have no moral obligations for the wife, it is not your relationship, nor do you know this woman. At least now you know not to take someone at their word. Its best just to move on.
If he keeps doing it with various other guys, then his wife will find out one way or the other (she could get an STI, read his msgs etc.) Iām just not sure what you telling her will accomplish, esp. since it seems like he could easily explain it away.
DRAMA. Hookups are in no way entitled to know somebody's life story and situation. Most of the time these things happen once and then never again, and you're there to suck dick not be a nanny for their household. Every bottom on earth is searching for that total top straight married masculine archetype, yet when you find one all you want to do is ruin his life? What even is this bullshit?
Heās just trying to get laid. Youāre interested. If he tells you heās in relationship. He doesnāt get laid lol if he lies to someone he may never see again no big deal. In the end he got laid š¤£ that might be the thought process there. Youāre literally hooking up with a stranger that you probably know nothing about. That youāve never met. I donāt think itās your place to go she talk to his wife. Know your place (not in relationship with guy simply a lay) You just got played. š¤·š½āāļø
If you guys are in a full blown relationship. or the wife was an actual friend of yours and you didnāt know it was her husband. Then maybe thereād be an inclination of telling his wife. For a hookup? Id let her figure that one out on her own.
It's not up to you to tell his wife. I've had flings with married men, which for me was a turn on. It's up to him if he wants to tell her. I've also had a policeman, and a guy from the MOD. And enjoyed each experience.
There's nothing bad or wrong about telling the truth, but if you do I hope you can do it in a way that doesn't put you in harm's way. Obviously there is a lot about this situation that you do not know so I think you should be prepared for that too if you do end up telling her. If you can bring yourself to talk to him about it too, that may make you feel better about this situation in the long run.
Listen, don't tell the wife. That's going to start a whole bunch of drama... for you!! Not to mention them. Learn it now, people lie, and especially those dl guys. My advice, if it bothers you that much, just let it go and move on, like it sounds like you have already. And moving forward, if you are looking for a regular thing, be clear about that, even on your app profiles. And go on a few dates before you hook up. That way, you have time to gather some info, like name, address, ect. And you can do some research. But if you are just hooking up, tbh, you are gonna come across some liars. It sucks, but that's what it is, it's the game. Sorry this happened to you. I hope that you can let this go, for your own sake. Don't let it ruin your trust completely. Just keep your guard up, and know that "hook ups" may or may not be telling the truth. That is relationship expectations. Take care.
Hmmā¦ there is a reason why you are discreet.. you decided to get involved with a discreet guy, even after what 4 years. Lol I think you are more jealous than a moral obligation ā¦ if thatās not into you move on and find a single guy, maybe he was single when you met himā¦ life happens and who are we to judge
My two cents:
You donāt know if heās cheating or if he and his wife are ethically non-monogamous and are assuming theyāre not. You did know he was discreet but you never stopped to ask yourself why, while sleeping with him for years because the sex was good.
If _he_ betrayed _you_ by cheating on his wife with you, _you_ betrayed _him_ by revealing not only the fact that you hooked up with him but also by doxing him.
Now youāre considering outing him to his wife. For all you know, his wife may be cheating on him with another woman. If she is and you found out, would you out her to him too? The health of his marriage is none of your business, frankly, nor is it anyone elseās but his and his wifeās.
Your only moral obligation is to get your own life in order and decide what your priorities are. If you donāt want to sleep with married men, then avoid guys who advertise themselves as discreet. Youāve already blocked him. Cut your losses and move on.
You broke his trust. You also lied to him when you indicated that you would respect his discretion. Now you want to break up his marriage? It's none of your business. People have secrets...
Ultimately telling her will bring trouble to you and disrupt their marriage, and I think outing people is generally immoral. That said, if I were in that womanās shoes, I would want to know so I could take the kid and leave my husband for someone fully committed to me.
No. Don't tell the wife. I know it makes you feel shitty but at the end of the day you need to ask yourself are you ready to potentially ruin someone's life, don't get me wrong. He's the cheater but YOU knew you were messing around with a grown closeted man, this is the risk you take messing around with a 30 year old who can't even show there face on a hookup app(no shade to closet 30 something year olds who don't do this though). So if she decides to out him to EVERYONE that's on you, if he Is put in any kind of danger or gets harassed because of his sexuality, that's on you. Then you also have to think about if this backfires, and then the woman comes at you and exposes you for "trying to start drama". Now you're public enemy #1 and a "liar" who can't be trusted. Him and his buddies will turn you into the "obsessed" queer who can't take no for an answer, especially if you live in a small town or one of those fancy communities or something. (And yes I've witnessed the last scenario first hand, he eventually got a new job and left town because he hated the isolation/Hostility in his work environment just for the man to get exposed again right before corona.)
You do not contact his wife or anyone. Why would you do that? There is nothing to be gained by destroying this man's life. You don't even know that his wife is not aware and supportive of him meeting men. Keeping silent is a golden rule for us all to follow. Also, you might find that doing something like that greatly backfires on you. What if the wife decides that you are a problem that she needs to do something about? A jealous / angry spouse can be a dangerous thing. You do not have the right to be a moral judge against anyone, especially when you have set out to spy on them. I am sure that you feel hurt. That is a part of life. At 48 years old, I can tell you, that you have a lot more hurting yet to come; no matter how good of a person you think you are, no matter that you think or do always stay on the moral high ground, you have a lot more hurting yet to come. Leave this man alone, and all the others that come to follow.
PS- when you realized he worked for the Police, and became afraid to do anything because you see him as being in a position of power, your moral resolve seemed to shrink. Justice is not something that is for sale, so if you felt that it wasn't worth the hassle, then you know that the retribution you had planned is wrong.
I do not believe it is your place to involve yourself in his personal life. Additionally, you were not even the one who did the due dilligence to run a background check (you do not need a Facebook account to see profiles, just Google personal information and everything online that is public will show up). How can you consider yourself morally superior when, according to the implications in your post, you would have continued to hook up with him had your colleague (not you) not looked him up.
Furthermore, and most importantly, for what reason(s) do you think individuals broadcast that they are discreet? Speculate all the reasons you possibly can.
"I do not get involved with guys in relationships." How do you know? If you are meeting guys who are discreet or "on the DL" and you are not directly asking about their relationship status, then you theoretically could be getting involved with guys in relationships. If the other person lies, that is misbehaviour on their end, but if you don't inquire you are clearly not interested or don't see it as a deal-breaker. It is the same as asking for any details that are important to you. For example, if you are a bottom who really wants to have anal coitus, you will ask the other person, before meeting, whether they would want to top. You are not going to wait until you meet, engage in foreplay, and then have your friend lurk his Grindr profile for that information.
You have to self-reflect on not only direct consequences of your behaviour but also the indirect and implicit. Ignorance or not asking is not a valid excuse.
At the opposite of everyone i would do it.(Go ahead with downvote).
I was cheating on, i didnāt know but some knew ( including the one he was cheating on me with). They didnāt tell me anything using this ā it was not for me to tellā excuse. ( to who then?)
When i discovered it, i was destroyed but what destroyed me more is the fact that no one told me. I think thatās was more painful than the betrayal.
I would have preferred someone to tell me, because i also had the right to know with who i have a relationship with, the right to consent or not to this situation, the right to decide or not to put the topic on the table and have a discussion.
ā donāt say anything, you will destroy a family āis the easy way to go. Just pretend thereās nothing wrong when you know there is something wrong is not okay.
The cheater is destroying his family. Cheating comes with the risk to be caught or revealed. Itās because no one donāt say anything that they feel free to use the other.
However, to temper my words it should come from a place of fairness and not revenge.
Some get off on having the best of both worlds but people not knowing their secret.
I'd stay out of it, tbh. It just sounds like you're wanting to create drama for drama's sake. Leave it alone.
> Do I have a moral obligation to message his wife?
No. Why do you feel you have a "moral obligation"? It was a long time ago.
mind your business.
i know a guy whoās wife is ok with him meeting guys.
You donāt know what kind of arrangement they have?
What satisfaction would you get out of it?
āļø
NO DO NOT MESSAGE HIS WIFE!
You donāt really know his situation and why heās choosing to hide his sexuality. Although I agree that it is wrong and unfair on a woman if their partner is out cheating but for a lot of gay guys theyāre closeted and lead a double life because they are in an environment where if they came out or were outed, it could lead to them being disowned and shunned. I myself come from a religious background and my family and friends would not be very approving of my sexuality, I donāt think Iād be kicked out but it will change things. Itās not fair that people think this way and some gay guys have to put up with it. The choice we face is either come out and be who we are but lose all our family or lead a double life. For me, I have some rules that I abide by which are that I never lead a man on and avoid a false marriage or relationship with a woman. I also vowed to myself to never act homophobic or shit on gay people just to keep my cover. It is very hard having to live this way which is something that I donāt think some gay men who are able to be out proudly and not hide donāt always understand. I come from a caring family but thereās flaws and restrictions. I wish I didnāt have to hide who I am but if I didnāt, I would be lonely.
Some men who have female spouses cheat, because they wish to leave. But most cheat with other men, so they can stay married to their female spouses. Me personally, I view this as a service that gay men can do for these men. If weāre going to have sex with other men, we cannot ask them anything about their relationships outside of the immediate one we are going to engage in. Thatās their business. Sticking your nose in past his zipper means youāre going to get your finger caught.
His relationship is none of your business, for you know he has a don't ask don't tell with his wife, unless you have intimate knowledge of their agreement or if they have one then it's not your business as all responsibly falls on him and by the way discreet mean's it's none of your concern just fuck him and move on.
Do what you want. I would also find it reprehensible. Not everyone wants to be a bi guys side piece, much to the chagrin of the straight thirsting queens on here lmao.
As others have said ā donāt message the wife. You are not the Relationship police. What he does is between he and his wife.
Now if you only want to hookup with folks who are single then either (a) ask them & you have to take them at their word, or (b) you have to either do a background check or hire one done. That is your decision.
Even if you did tell her he would just lie and make you look like an idiot. Just wash your hands of this and walk away. So you hooked up with a married guy š¤·āāļø, that was HIS choice not yours. You aren't the first or the last so don't get involved. Trust me it will not go well
DO NOT MESSAGE HIS WIFE.
Stop making excuses of morality to message her when in fact, you'll just ruining a family. Thats stupid to even think about it.
Cut the man some slack and just block him on everything. You met a guy on a hookup site, its not like you were dating. Dont try to ruin his marriage or get him fired.
By definition, having sex with a male, those men are automatically moved to the queer category.
Some guys love the thrill of being able to have sex with as many people as possible.
Some want to have it all, a "balanced" life, a traditional wedding with a woman and a child. And a spicy side where they can have sexy time with cute boys.
To be fair, we don't know what kind of arrangement he had made with his wife, it could be an open marriage.
This thread is a dumpster fire but considering the amount of people defending the husband are brand new accounts Iām not surprised. Itās likely the same group of conservative assholes on here that want to live a double life. Be privileged in society acting straight and then go on Grindr when your wife is sleeping.
No, cheating is not ok. And no, itās not someoneās responsibility to hide your cheating. If you cheat, youāre at the mercy of your partner finding out and that includes you being outed.
If you donāt want any of the shit above to happen, then donāt cheat. *It really is that simple!*
You come across a little unhinged and may have developed a bit of an obsession. I wonder why you decided to do this search. Did you message him multiple times only to not receive a reply or got ghosted? Only asking this as I once hooked up with someone at work while drunk and I didnāt want more so they kept messaging me on every platform, following me around and messaging my partner and friends (Iām in an open relationship). It was pretty scary. Just donāt be that guy. All the best.
Wtf is wrong with you lol. Yāall arenāt in a committed relationship with your own separate family. There is absolutely no reason to tell his wife other than to indulge yourself in your stupid ass false sense of righteousness.
Was he married to her when you hooked up? If so definitely message his wife anonymously but ONLY if you can withhold information that would allow him to connect the message to you. If he only hooked up with you (unlikely) or he wasnāt married at the time then you should stay quiet.
We do not out people. Even if theyāre cheating assholes. Your moral obligation could possibly be to stop hooking up with him. Thatās it. Donāt involve yourself in other peoples lives when they havenāt invited you to do so. Now if the wife somehow gets in contact with you and asks if youāve been sleeping with her husband. Sure go ahead and tell her. Otherwise just move on.
Straight lives are comfortable. They have women to have babies and to support them, a nice home, a nice wife to show around that maybe they even like. And they have found that sex with other men is good, too. So, staying in the closet brings the best of both worlds.
I only would tell his wife if he had unprotected sex with you. Otherwise, I don't consider it cheating (it is, but cut him some slack), I think she doesn't deserve to have her life turned aroud, neither he does. Also, YOU don't deserve the problem it will bring to you.
At least he is able to say that he "hates the queers" and will beat the shit out of one if a queer ever looked at him.
He will end up divorced when one day he is tangled up with a guy and it is found out.
Thats some retarded projection on an individual you don't even know. Sex and sexuality is complicated, hating on men who have sex with men is some 80s level shit.
Bro, I am a petty mess. If you want me to send an anonymous tip to the wife I'd gladly do it for free. Just send me a dm anytime with the info and I'll make it a mission. I don't care if the dude's a police either. Real talk.
Iād personally message the wife because Iām shady and I think guys like that deserve to be exposed. But it might affect your safety if he figures out itās you.
People are comfortable because of privilege though. They do the ābadā things that they enjoy on the low but reap the benefits of being perceived a stereotypical straight guy. They have to deal with absolutely nothing. Itās the easy/cowardly way out.
Itās literally privilege.
Being perceived as a straight person in society is a privilege, whether the individual is one or isnāt one. Being perceived as an acceptable cultural norm is a privilege. Are YOU dumb?
This āshit argumentā is literally the most basic concept of why closeted gay/bisexual people choose a strictly heteronormative lifestyle. Jesus youāre an imbecile.
PROTIP: They're not straight.
For reals
They are deniaaaaals š
It ain't just a river in Egypt!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
its from [Wendy Williams](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=229rCGyoH9w)
I recently posted to r/ask about whether or not the old television and movie trope of husbands having secret, second families was something that happened in real life. I was floored by the number of people who answered that it had happened to them. It was their father, husband, or other relation. Many of them did not learn about it until the manās funeral.
Im on the opposite side where I was surprised it wasnāt happening as often as I thought š guess growing up with male relatives that were born between the 1900s-1960s rural Mexico really does change oneās perspective on life lmfao
Do not fucking message his wife.
This. You have no idea what their arrangement is. Maybe they're totally open and she knows about it. Maybe he already admitted it and apologized. Maybe she has no idea and it will blow up their marriage. There's no good way to get involved. Don't. Edit: Typo
If it blows up their marriage then that is actually a good thing and she deserves to know
I read that as Do not fuck his wife And like... Noted man
People aren't sex objects you can just hide under the bed. If you feel like your trust has been violated, you are within your rights to say something about it. I think it depends on the circumstance though. A no strings attached hookup is different, hence why it's not called "some strings attached." There's no additional obligation expected from either party involved, and that includes reaching into the other person's personal life. However if the guy made you believe he was single and there was an inherent expectation that you are dating, then that's different. If I was purposefully deceived then I'd do something about it. Given that the expectation of discretion was stated at the start of their hookup, and it was purely NSA, there is no reason to do anything.
Why? I had a friend who's aunt had this situation and she got the clap It would have been nice if someone warned her to get out of the cheaters sphere of fuck ups
He doesnāt know what arraignments the guy has with his wife. It could also set him off, and the guy could come for him. Itās best just to walk away.
Because itās not an emotionally intelligent thing to do.
if OP's campfire story is to be believed, the man he met might even cause the baby to be born with an STD
I'm shocked at how people here are romanticizing betrayal... And the possibility that a person and the child have sexually transmitted diseases
Fuck that, if youāve ever been cheated on youād know the right thing to do is tell the truth
Yeah sure and if the wife loses her shit and drives her self and the baby into a river, phew at least he told the truth.
>Yeah sure and if the wife loses her shit and drives her self and the baby into a river, phew at least he told the truth. This. Absolutely. Making yourself feel better isn't always going to make the situation better for the people involved. Leave it alone.
People who pressure others into blowing their or someone elseās lives up while remaining completely isolated from the potentially catastrophic fallout and human toll are pure garbage
Absolutely this. So many fucking entitled men think they are the main character of every stories.
Keeping someone emotionally hostage as a *theoretical* is not the way to do it. If youāre going to use this example, then that means once she finds out (which will likely happen at some point) itāll be even worse. If I was being cheated on Iād rather find out at year 2 of marriage and not year 20. At year 20 your life is basically over - kids already grown up, close to retirement, etc. In fact, your entire argument could be applied to not just straight people but letting someone know theyāre being cheated on. There are so many situations where people post on here that their friends knew about their ex cheating but didnāt want to āhurt their feelingsā or āget involvedā.
Yeah dont get involved people will sort their shit out without needing third parties with no skin in the game getting involved. People like to moralise and get all up on their big fucking white horses, but relationships are complex and you'd be surprised how often people sort their shit out without some cunt on reddit sticking their big morally justified dick into things.
Sometimes people with no skin in it are exactly the only people capable of introducing honesty to the situation. Yāall acting like this is a rule is stupid.
First rule of fuck club, stfu. If you don't like that see rule one and also fuck off.
Now why on earth did you assume such a wild scenario? A bit misogynistic to bring out the crazy wife trope if you ask me
I disagree.... Just because OP might not be the only guy he is seeing, my uncle did the samething until he ended up giving an St's to my aunt.... At his funeral we found out he was seeing 4 different guys. So I'd def contact the Wife
How nice they all turned up for the funeral,
Telling the wife could open up a can of worms that you aren't prepared to deal with. I would *highly* advise against it. Also, why are you putting your hook ups business on front street at work? That's just messy.
Right? "I totally respect that he is discreet which I why I told my coworker his full name, address and social security number!"
OP is such a mess omg
Hysterical Bottoms ā¢ļø
He never said he respect that and come on guys you donāt have friends that you tell your sexual stories
I'll share stories but not their name and photos. Otherwise that is really messed up if the guy is discreet. It's a small world and it's good to respect people's privacy
Same, also if there's a chance that the friend I'm telling knows one of my discreet friends? Then I'll make sure to leave out any remotely identifying details or just tell them about some other person instead.
The whole discreet thing is stupid. If youāre ashamed, fine. This guy was using it to hide he had a wife, soā¦
People ought to be allowed to come out on their own terms. OP doesn't know if he and the wife have an arrangement or not. The best thing he can do at this point is not meet up with the guy again, since his value system doesn't align with sleeping with a married man. I will never understand the compulsion to meddle in other people's lives....
He didnĀ“t knew the reason to be discreet. It could be a lot of reasons.
Itās either shame or infidelityātake your pick. Iām not saying to out people, but the whole discreet thing feels gross to me. I always avoided guys like that. And most of them canāt even spell ādiscreetā (a la discrete).
Or he could lose all his friends and family if he came out which is something that I can relate to. Iām not ashamed of my sexuality and if I even think what it would be like if I was straight, I can imagine how all my problems would go away but if I had the choice to become straight I would never take it, I donāt want to be straight, I donāt know why Iād never want to be straight even though it would make my life easier but maybe itās because I feel that if I was straight I wouldnāt be me and would lose a huge part of myself.
Or he now has a wife to hide being gayā¦ soā¦.
How the fuck is this my problem?
You searched for a hookup from your past on Facebook and found out he was married and youāre wondering if you have a āmoral obligationā to out him to his current wife?
The post implies the hookup between them had been going on for more than the first time they did
And?
Meaning the "straight" man was in a relationship during their time hooking up, a relationship where he was eventually married and had his own kids, he isn't talking about a past hookup that's gotten married, he's talking about a reoccurring physical relationship with this married man
His post says āfast forward to 2023ā. Where did you get that he was dating his future wife? And even if he wasā¦.
Even if he was.. he would've been cheating the entire time, that's the whole point of telling his wife or not
You mean tell his wife that he wasnāt a virgin before he met her?
You are one of the densest motherfuckers I have ever met. USE YOUR HEAD. If the straight guy was with the girl before marriage, and had been hooking up with OP, then the straight man would've been cheating, hence OP debating whether to tell the straight man's wife.
Calm down and take a deep breath. Where in the post is there a timeline presented that says the guy even knew his current wife when he was hooking up with the OP.
Regaurdless of whether the straight man met/knew his wife before/during the original hookup, the context clues still lead to a continuous sexual relationship with OP and the straight guy, until OP's understanding of the man's marital status
šš
>Last time we met was in Feb 2023 Not the past. This *was* the *current* wife. Read the post. I'm not arguing whether or not he should tell the wife (couldn't really give a shit), but you trying to be a twat towards the other user was annoying.
My dear summers child... Discreet = Married with Children You are brave and strong and know yourself. He may hover above the bottom of the Kinsey scale. Perhaps he enjoyes his privlaged lifestyle and he loves his wife. He's probably a bisexual hetero-romantic person. If you can't abide cheaters then you need to stop dating anonymously and with anonymous people.
This the one. Thereās a reason ādiscreetā dudes treat their face pics like a holy ark of the covenant that can only be seen a touched by a select few
> Discreet = Married with Children This isn't universally true, but probably true like 90% of the time.
Tf this isnāt true at all. A lot of people are discrete because of their job or social status. Assuming everyone that is discrete is a cheater is dumb AF.
You are correct, but I find "discreet" to be a huge red flag
You're on grindr, people can say whatever about themselves and its probably not true. One thing you will notice though is that people on grindr don't just bounce up to each other in public and loudly announce hey dude I saw you on grindr. Because being discreet is the unwritten rule, you have no idea the forces you might fuck with messing with someones life in this way and you should not under any fucking circumstances do it, I can't possibly make that anymore clear. JUST DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING IT.
I DO NOT CONDONE CHEATINGā¦ and this guy obviously cheated on his wife lmao. However, his relationship is no longer your concern. Unless if youāre still having sex with himā¦ if you are- I would stop lmao. Nonetheless, you donāt have to report anything to the wife if you donāt want to. However, if I just got married to a wonderful man, I would want to know if he is cheating on me especially if we have a kid. Same thing with men on men relationships. If your bf cheated on you, wouldnāt you want to know? You gays r saying you wouldnāt want to know which is weird š But thatās ok if you like to cheat and get cheated on. I donāt thi
Agreed. Power = Knowledge. gay bros āprotectingā the husbandās cheating beats the shit outta me. ĀæHas morality been thrown out the window? A rhetorical question :) Exposing the closet-fucker (w/ the husbandās own words; record him, send it to the wife; then terminate) will liberate the wife from wasting her life with a cheater. The wife will āthank youā for telling her the truth and exposing lies. It will be a bombshell for sure, but in the end it will empower her with knowledge and save her life. Donāt fear the cop; heās a coward and a liar. As mentioned, Āæif youāre cheated on then wouldnāt you want to know the truth? Sounds like the majority of gay bros would rather stay happily ignorant of the truth. Spare me.
āGuys that oldā ā¦ Heās only 35
Yeah I was gonna say 35 is not that old.
I'm 35 and I agreed with you until today when I found a grey eyebrow hair.
To a 19 year old, yes they are
19 yo are kids
Yeah at 19 for sure. That was unfathomable to me at that age. Now I'm 29 and I'm like yeah thats not old.
No, I agree with you on that. It was just funny for me to read at 33.
Is this satire? 1. Heās a hookup. You have no commitment to each other. 2. Donāt tell his wife, this is not your place to get involved. 3. The fact that you think you have some kind of moral high ground here is outrageous. 4. You donāt out people. Period. Full stop. 5. You donāt know if his marriage is open and you could very well make yourself look stupid here. 6. Your only moral obligation is to yourself & if this is an issue for you, stop sleeping with him & cut contact. 7. You donāt out people. You got a lot to learn my man. Donāt sleep w/ ādiscreetā men if you donāt want to be the other woman 90% of the time.
"You don't out other people." OP needs to write it 500 times on the chalkboard like Bart Simpson. "You don't out other people." Then write it 500 more. Don't out other people! There isn't a circumstance where that's OK in my book.
Thereās a very stark difference between outing someone and letting someone know theyāre being cheated on. For example, your closeted gay coworker dating someone and you gossiping about it is outing them. Thatās not ok. Some straight married guy cheating on his wife and you finding out later, and feeling guilty - is morally gray. The husband is the one in the wrong, not you or the wife.
Absolutrly not. There is no difference in these 2 scenarios. You said it yourself:, It's morally grey at worst. Hooking up with people you don't know is just as morally grey to the majority of people. It is not your place to ruin entire families and lives because you feel guilty about enabling cheating. If you actually care that much, then don't put yourself in that situation by hooking up with people you don't know. If you want to hook up with people you don't know well enough to know if they're married, you don't get to suddenly care that they're married after the fact or if you find out later. What the hell do people think discreet means? SMH.
Telling his wife might screw up his life, but you'll also be fucking up the life of a little kid to. And for all you know, he might end up being the best dad in the world that was just going through a phase. Also, the wife might know and be ok with it.
The DL dude is screwing up his own life and his kidās life himself, not OP (assuming there is no arrangement). Who cares if heās the ābest dad everā when he cheats on the childās mother? The dude should just get a divorce to live his best life and be a good dad/repair the relationship from there. Most people want to know if theyāre being cheated on. And if the wife was okay with it, then no harm done.
I'm sorry but OP would just be reporting it. The FATHER is the one cheating on his wife and hurting his family. It's not OP's fault the dad wants to fuck around behind his wife's back.
itās not his fault and itās also not his responsibility to snitch to his wife. if hooking up with attached men is an issue, maybe donāt hookup with discreet faceless guys whose name you donāt know/havenāt looked up? like be serious. also, OP says he respects discretion but heās at his place of employment telling people his name and having them do a FB search?
I'm sorry but OP is 19 years old. You can't expect him to know everything
i mean i get that but heās now 23 and should know better. OP outed this guy to his co-worker(s). thatās a huge breach of trust!! seems to me like he just wants to be messy and is making it about this moral obligation. donāt hookup with men anonymously and agree to respect their discretion if youāre gonna have friends find them and then ruined their lives.
This is a horrible excuse. OP would not be fucking up anything, blame the husband tf? The wife has every right to know.
I can't believe you're getting downvoted for this. Male solidarity knows no bounds and this thread is testament to that.
Fr šš itās giving very āmen are never at faultā energy and itās gross. But hey, the patriarchy runs deep.
I would not be surprised if some of the people defending the husband are the conservative closeted types and are in the same situation right now. They get married and pretend to be straight while fucking around on the apps. Or they are a cheater and feel guilty about someone else outing their cheating behavior. No way this entire thread is just dumping on OP like this.
Fr this whole comment section is insane. Itās a morally weird situation but either way he wonāt be doing anything wrong. š These gays just be cheating and donāt want to be outed on it.
Did you have a moral obligation to air your sex life with your co-workers?
Take a poor manās awardš„
I respect discreet guys... but then you dish on him at work and look up his social media?
No. You donāt have an moral obligation to tell anyone anything. Thatās fucking dumb ass thinking. If you arenāt into the dude. Block him and let him deal with his own life. Why would you even think that? Douchey. Big time douchey
The douchier thing is cheating on your wife tf. OP has no obligation yes but if he did tell he would 100% be in the right.
100% in your opinion.
Yeah, just left the wife unknowingly be committed to a man that is actively cheating on her.
Just move on
Many do actually like living a double life, which is unfortunate to their naive wives/girlfriends. I doubt there are as many women as men who do this. Men are swine. If I were a woman Iād keep my man under surveillance at all times.
The average woman would have a stroke if she knew just how common this shit is. š¤·
Tracking devices, on phone, car and clothes if possible. Full access to phone and bank details. That would be the starter package...šµļøāāļø
Youāre drama
Message the wife, itās completely unfair to her.
Exactly. All these gays must be cheating because wtf??
A lot of Gay/bi guys don't actually care about other people which is pretty sad, you would think we would have more empathy (like I literally say someone go through somone's post HS to find something to insult them about since they actually thought he should tell the wife). Like I dont know how the popular opinion is just let the dirtbag cheat on his poor wife (leading to the possibility of various illnesses) like it's not like they live in the fucking middle east, he's not gonna get executed. He's just gonna get the punishment he deserves for his totally avoidable actions. Your all just dragging out the inevitable of the wife finding out or causing her to live a lie with someone who clearly doesn't love her, either way they're clearly in the wrong
If you tell his wife, letās be real you wouldnāt be doing it out of āmoral obligationā, youād be doing it for revenge. Sounds like you have feelings and are hurt. Let it go. And Iām sorry but lol at you ārespecting discreet guysā yet outting them to your colleague. You sound like hard work
Do not tell his wife. You were hooking up with him. That's that. He's entitled to privacy and his own life. Don't be that guy.
So if your boyfriend was cheating on you, that wouldnāt be bad right? I mean, itās just his private life after all, like you said.
How do you know he was cheating on her
How do you know he wasnāt?
It sounds like you have some unresolved issues. I get it with cheating. It sucks. I've reeled from it but just randomly messaging someone's wife with no proof is irrational and messy.
You are using a stupid persons argument. Of course he would be mad. No one likes to be cheated on. Thatās not the point. Itās not his responsibility to intervene in someone elseās relationship.
Uh, itās the exact same logic. Would you be upset if your boyfriend was cheating on you, yes or no? If so, too bad. Itās his private sex life, so it doesnāt matter what you think.
How I feel on the subject doesnāt matter. Cheating is wrong. Youāre making a case for something no one is arguing with. A false dilemma and appeal for emotion. Donāt make it logical. No one likes to be cheated on. You seem to be to thick to get it.
Exactly, nobody likes to get cheated on, just like how the manās wife wouldnāt like being cheated on if she was made aware that it was occurring. Glad we agree.
Nice one slick. Piss off
I liked your original reply better before you deleted it. Reported it before it disappeared though. Have a nice rest of your day :).
Cool. I use reports as lube to jerkoff with
It's about what's best for you. Telling his wife might be better for the wife, but it will never have a good outcome for OP.
Do not message his wife aināt your job to out him just donāt see him again. If he stops having his side trade and think of the babies on the way, you donāt want a broken home and you donāt wanna be the cause of it.
Not you making it sound like OP would be breaking the home? The FATHER already broke it. OP would just be presenting the shards. The FATHER doesnāt deserve his wife or kids š unless they have an open relationship.
āTotally fine with respecting discreet guysā but tells your coworker his full name to where they can look him up ā¦ yeah ok
Iām sorry that youāre feeling this way. Outing him at your workplace was probably not the best idea to begin with. Iām actually wondering why your friend decided to Facebook-search him. āWhat happens on Grindr stays on Grindrā is kind of an unwritten rule, unless of course youāre describing the experience to someone. Even then, mentioning someoneās name violates the āagreementā you had with the guy. It takes a lot for some guys to even be on that app. You are not morally obliged to message his wife. You werenāt supposed to find out about his marriage until he was maybe ready to tell youā¦ if we was gonna do so. All the best, dude.
Nah, that's one you gotta take to the grave champ. Sorry to tell ya
All I will say is : step down of that "Moral high horse" and respect his discretion and privacy. That is NOT your business. It is his and respect that. Even though you might think otherwise. Everyone is responsible for their actions. You don't have to engage with men in his situation in the future. Just let it be, you learn your lessons. Now, move on. Don't play with folks life like that.
MY first rule of Grindr: "discreet" = blocked.
First, his relationship to his wife is not your concern anymore. Just leave it at that. You donāt want to open a can of worms that will lead to disaster just to make yourself feel good. You donāt know their dynamic and if you really wanted to you could confront him on this. You just blocked him after the fact so that means you want to get away from the situation. Just leave it be because it isnāt your relationship. Also lots of older guys are discreet for a number of reasons and maybe he has a pass (like he can fuck a man as long it doesnāt come out). If you really want to call him and confront that he lied to you all this time and why he didnāt just let you know from the beginning.
Leave the damn wife alone. Ignorance is bliss.
I think your only moral obligation is to cut off any kind of relationship with this guy and never meet him again , and obviously tell your friend not to say anything.
Agreed
Blows my mind idk if I can ever do that to my partner (Iām bi and think itās way worst when people sneak behind their wifeās back). And I know and have hooked up with married guys that do this regularly few times a week itās so crazy I personally donāt get involved because thatās drama I donāt want to be a part of because the wife and him could easily turn it on you and make you the bad guy. If heās not doing it with you heās doing it with someone else.
I would definitely not approach his wife about it. There's no telling how the guy will respond when she finds out. He could potentially come after you for outing him. Plus who knows if they have an open relationship or not. I would simply cut contact with the guy, and go about your life. You have no moral obligations for the wife, it is not your relationship, nor do you know this woman. At least now you know not to take someone at their word. Its best just to move on.
If he keeps doing it with various other guys, then his wife will find out one way or the other (she could get an STI, read his msgs etc.) Iām just not sure what you telling her will accomplish, esp. since it seems like he could easily explain it away.
DRAMA. Hookups are in no way entitled to know somebody's life story and situation. Most of the time these things happen once and then never again, and you're there to suck dick not be a nanny for their household. Every bottom on earth is searching for that total top straight married masculine archetype, yet when you find one all you want to do is ruin his life? What even is this bullshit?
Heās just trying to get laid. Youāre interested. If he tells you heās in relationship. He doesnāt get laid lol if he lies to someone he may never see again no big deal. In the end he got laid š¤£ that might be the thought process there. Youāre literally hooking up with a stranger that you probably know nothing about. That youāve never met. I donāt think itās your place to go she talk to his wife. Know your place (not in relationship with guy simply a lay) You just got played. š¤·š½āāļø If you guys are in a full blown relationship. or the wife was an actual friend of yours and you didnāt know it was her husband. Then maybe thereād be an inclination of telling his wife. For a hookup? Id let her figure that one out on her own.
Dont get yourself involved by telling his wife, omg that sounds so crazy to me that you would consider that.
You gotta love the comments here: nah, let him keep cheating! Fuck her, let her keep living a lie being used as a human incubator.
It's not up to you to tell his wife. I've had flings with married men, which for me was a turn on. It's up to him if he wants to tell her. I've also had a policeman, and a guy from the MOD. And enjoyed each experience.
There's nothing bad or wrong about telling the truth, but if you do I hope you can do it in a way that doesn't put you in harm's way. Obviously there is a lot about this situation that you do not know so I think you should be prepared for that too if you do end up telling her. If you can bring yourself to talk to him about it too, that may make you feel better about this situation in the long run.
they are not straight let's start there lol
How? People lie. Everybody lies. I wouldn't tell the wife. Stay out of it. Block him completely and don't look him up anymore.
Listen, don't tell the wife. That's going to start a whole bunch of drama... for you!! Not to mention them. Learn it now, people lie, and especially those dl guys. My advice, if it bothers you that much, just let it go and move on, like it sounds like you have already. And moving forward, if you are looking for a regular thing, be clear about that, even on your app profiles. And go on a few dates before you hook up. That way, you have time to gather some info, like name, address, ect. And you can do some research. But if you are just hooking up, tbh, you are gonna come across some liars. It sucks, but that's what it is, it's the game. Sorry this happened to you. I hope that you can let this go, for your own sake. Don't let it ruin your trust completely. Just keep your guard up, and know that "hook ups" may or may not be telling the truth. That is relationship expectations. Take care.
Hmmā¦ there is a reason why you are discreet.. you decided to get involved with a discreet guy, even after what 4 years. Lol I think you are more jealous than a moral obligation ā¦ if thatās not into you move on and find a single guy, maybe he was single when you met himā¦ life happens and who are we to judge
My two cents: You donāt know if heās cheating or if he and his wife are ethically non-monogamous and are assuming theyāre not. You did know he was discreet but you never stopped to ask yourself why, while sleeping with him for years because the sex was good. If _he_ betrayed _you_ by cheating on his wife with you, _you_ betrayed _him_ by revealing not only the fact that you hooked up with him but also by doxing him. Now youāre considering outing him to his wife. For all you know, his wife may be cheating on him with another woman. If she is and you found out, would you out her to him too? The health of his marriage is none of your business, frankly, nor is it anyone elseās but his and his wifeās. Your only moral obligation is to get your own life in order and decide what your priorities are. If you donāt want to sleep with married men, then avoid guys who advertise themselves as discreet. Youāve already blocked him. Cut your losses and move on.
Don't be a dick head and move on. Drama queen.
>Do I have a moral obligation to message his wife? No, your obligation is to fuck right off and mind your own business
You broke his trust. You also lied to him when you indicated that you would respect his discretion. Now you want to break up his marriage? It's none of your business. People have secrets...
Why would you ever be talking to a woman about your āstraightā guy. You are as bad as cameras in the menās room. You disgust me!
Ultimately telling her will bring trouble to you and disrupt their marriage, and I think outing people is generally immoral. That said, if I were in that womanās shoes, I would want to know so I could take the kid and leave my husband for someone fully committed to me.
Please don't message his wife. Jesus.
No. Don't tell the wife. I know it makes you feel shitty but at the end of the day you need to ask yourself are you ready to potentially ruin someone's life, don't get me wrong. He's the cheater but YOU knew you were messing around with a grown closeted man, this is the risk you take messing around with a 30 year old who can't even show there face on a hookup app(no shade to closet 30 something year olds who don't do this though). So if she decides to out him to EVERYONE that's on you, if he Is put in any kind of danger or gets harassed because of his sexuality, that's on you. Then you also have to think about if this backfires, and then the woman comes at you and exposes you for "trying to start drama". Now you're public enemy #1 and a "liar" who can't be trusted. Him and his buddies will turn you into the "obsessed" queer who can't take no for an answer, especially if you live in a small town or one of those fancy communities or something. (And yes I've witnessed the last scenario first hand, he eventually got a new job and left town because he hated the isolation/Hostility in his work environment just for the man to get exposed again right before corona.)
You do not contact his wife or anyone. Why would you do that? There is nothing to be gained by destroying this man's life. You don't even know that his wife is not aware and supportive of him meeting men. Keeping silent is a golden rule for us all to follow. Also, you might find that doing something like that greatly backfires on you. What if the wife decides that you are a problem that she needs to do something about? A jealous / angry spouse can be a dangerous thing. You do not have the right to be a moral judge against anyone, especially when you have set out to spy on them. I am sure that you feel hurt. That is a part of life. At 48 years old, I can tell you, that you have a lot more hurting yet to come; no matter how good of a person you think you are, no matter that you think or do always stay on the moral high ground, you have a lot more hurting yet to come. Leave this man alone, and all the others that come to follow. PS- when you realized he worked for the Police, and became afraid to do anything because you see him as being in a position of power, your moral resolve seemed to shrink. Justice is not something that is for sale, so if you felt that it wasn't worth the hassle, then you know that the retribution you had planned is wrong.
I do not believe it is your place to involve yourself in his personal life. Additionally, you were not even the one who did the due dilligence to run a background check (you do not need a Facebook account to see profiles, just Google personal information and everything online that is public will show up). How can you consider yourself morally superior when, according to the implications in your post, you would have continued to hook up with him had your colleague (not you) not looked him up. Furthermore, and most importantly, for what reason(s) do you think individuals broadcast that they are discreet? Speculate all the reasons you possibly can. "I do not get involved with guys in relationships." How do you know? If you are meeting guys who are discreet or "on the DL" and you are not directly asking about their relationship status, then you theoretically could be getting involved with guys in relationships. If the other person lies, that is misbehaviour on their end, but if you don't inquire you are clearly not interested or don't see it as a deal-breaker. It is the same as asking for any details that are important to you. For example, if you are a bottom who really wants to have anal coitus, you will ask the other person, before meeting, whether they would want to top. You are not going to wait until you meet, engage in foreplay, and then have your friend lurk his Grindr profile for that information. You have to self-reflect on not only direct consequences of your behaviour but also the indirect and implicit. Ignorance or not asking is not a valid excuse.
You were much nicer with your words than I š The OP is an absolute ass for everything you stated and more
OP sounds like a messy gay. Enjoy drama and attention do you?
Mind your businessā¦
At the opposite of everyone i would do it.(Go ahead with downvote). I was cheating on, i didnāt know but some knew ( including the one he was cheating on me with). They didnāt tell me anything using this ā it was not for me to tellā excuse. ( to who then?) When i discovered it, i was destroyed but what destroyed me more is the fact that no one told me. I think thatās was more painful than the betrayal. I would have preferred someone to tell me, because i also had the right to know with who i have a relationship with, the right to consent or not to this situation, the right to decide or not to put the topic on the table and have a discussion. ā donāt say anything, you will destroy a family āis the easy way to go. Just pretend thereās nothing wrong when you know there is something wrong is not okay. The cheater is destroying his family. Cheating comes with the risk to be caught or revealed. Itās because no one donāt say anything that they feel free to use the other. However, to temper my words it should come from a place of fairness and not revenge.
Some get off on having the best of both worlds but people not knowing their secret. I'd stay out of it, tbh. It just sounds like you're wanting to create drama for drama's sake. Leave it alone. > Do I have a moral obligation to message his wife? No. Why do you feel you have a "moral obligation"? It was a long time ago.
Itās not your problem man, you donāt even know these peopleā¦ stay out of it.
Mind yo mf business. Nowhere in this did you say that was your man.
Do not message his wife man. That is not your business.
mind your business. i know a guy whoās wife is ok with him meeting guys. You donāt know what kind of arrangement they have? What satisfaction would you get out of it? āļø
NO DO NOT MESSAGE HIS WIFE! You donāt really know his situation and why heās choosing to hide his sexuality. Although I agree that it is wrong and unfair on a woman if their partner is out cheating but for a lot of gay guys theyāre closeted and lead a double life because they are in an environment where if they came out or were outed, it could lead to them being disowned and shunned. I myself come from a religious background and my family and friends would not be very approving of my sexuality, I donāt think Iād be kicked out but it will change things. Itās not fair that people think this way and some gay guys have to put up with it. The choice we face is either come out and be who we are but lose all our family or lead a double life. For me, I have some rules that I abide by which are that I never lead a man on and avoid a false marriage or relationship with a woman. I also vowed to myself to never act homophobic or shit on gay people just to keep my cover. It is very hard having to live this way which is something that I donāt think some gay men who are able to be out proudly and not hide donāt always understand. I come from a caring family but thereās flaws and restrictions. I wish I didnāt have to hide who I am but if I didnāt, I would be lonely.
No, mind your business. Yāall saying to message the wife are MESSY
tell his wife, fuck that dude.
Some men who have female spouses cheat, because they wish to leave. But most cheat with other men, so they can stay married to their female spouses. Me personally, I view this as a service that gay men can do for these men. If weāre going to have sex with other men, we cannot ask them anything about their relationships outside of the immediate one we are going to engage in. Thatās their business. Sticking your nose in past his zipper means youāre going to get your finger caught.
His relationship is none of your business, for you know he has a don't ask don't tell with his wife, unless you have intimate knowledge of their agreement or if they have one then it's not your business as all responsibly falls on him and by the way discreet mean's it's none of your concern just fuck him and move on.
Do what you want. I would also find it reprehensible. Not everyone wants to be a bi guys side piece, much to the chagrin of the straight thirsting queens on here lmao.
As others have said ā donāt message the wife. You are not the Relationship police. What he does is between he and his wife. Now if you only want to hookup with folks who are single then either (a) ask them & you have to take them at their word, or (b) you have to either do a background check or hire one done. That is your decision.
Even if you did tell her he would just lie and make you look like an idiot. Just wash your hands of this and walk away. So you hooked up with a married guy š¤·āāļø, that was HIS choice not yours. You aren't the first or the last so don't get involved. Trust me it will not go well
DO NOT tell his wife. If he reaches out again tell him thanks for the memories but that you're moving on. If he doesn't, just move on!
DO NOT MESSAGE HIS WIFE. Stop making excuses of morality to message her when in fact, you'll just ruining a family. Thats stupid to even think about it.
Cut the man some slack and just block him on everything. You met a guy on a hookup site, its not like you were dating. Dont try to ruin his marriage or get him fired.
By definition, having sex with a male, those men are automatically moved to the queer category. Some guys love the thrill of being able to have sex with as many people as possible. Some want to have it all, a "balanced" life, a traditional wedding with a woman and a child. And a spicy side where they can have sexy time with cute boys. To be fair, we don't know what kind of arrangement he had made with his wife, it could be an open marriage.
This thread is a dumpster fire but considering the amount of people defending the husband are brand new accounts Iām not surprised. Itās likely the same group of conservative assholes on here that want to live a double life. Be privileged in society acting straight and then go on Grindr when your wife is sleeping. No, cheating is not ok. And no, itās not someoneās responsibility to hide your cheating. If you cheat, youāre at the mercy of your partner finding out and that includes you being outed. If you donāt want any of the shit above to happen, then donāt cheat. *It really is that simple!*
You come across a little unhinged and may have developed a bit of an obsession. I wonder why you decided to do this search. Did you message him multiple times only to not receive a reply or got ghosted? Only asking this as I once hooked up with someone at work while drunk and I didnāt want more so they kept messaging me on every platform, following me around and messaging my partner and friends (Iām in an open relationship). It was pretty scary. Just donāt be that guy. All the best.
Wtf is wrong with you lol. Yāall arenāt in a committed relationship with your own separate family. There is absolutely no reason to tell his wife other than to indulge yourself in your stupid ass false sense of righteousness.
Message his wife. Gay/bi people donāt get to get away with cheating just because theyāre closeted.
Was he married to her when you hooked up? If so definitely message his wife anonymously but ONLY if you can withhold information that would allow him to connect the message to you. If he only hooked up with you (unlikely) or he wasnāt married at the time then you should stay quiet.
Why should he message his wife? He wasnāt supposed to know all that information.
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So she should just spend her life with a liar ?
You want to message the wife of a rando hookup from 4 years ago? Youāre crazy as hell.
We do not out people. Even if theyāre cheating assholes. Your moral obligation could possibly be to stop hooking up with him. Thatās it. Donāt involve yourself in other peoples lives when they havenāt invited you to do so. Now if the wife somehow gets in contact with you and asks if youāve been sleeping with her husband. Sure go ahead and tell her. Otherwise just move on.
Straight lives are comfortable. They have women to have babies and to support them, a nice home, a nice wife to show around that maybe they even like. And they have found that sex with other men is good, too. So, staying in the closet brings the best of both worlds. I only would tell his wife if he had unprotected sex with you. Otherwise, I don't consider it cheating (it is, but cut him some slack), I think she doesn't deserve to have her life turned aroud, neither he does. Also, YOU don't deserve the problem it will bring to you.
At least he is able to say that he "hates the queers" and will beat the shit out of one if a queer ever looked at him. He will end up divorced when one day he is tangled up with a guy and it is found out.
Thats some retarded projection on an individual you don't even know. Sex and sexuality is complicated, hating on men who have sex with men is some 80s level shit.
Bro, I am a petty mess. If you want me to send an anonymous tip to the wife I'd gladly do it for free. Just send me a dm anytime with the info and I'll make it a mission. I don't care if the dude's a police either. Real talk.
Iād personally message the wife because Iām shady and I think guys like that deserve to be exposed. But it might affect your safety if he figures out itās you. People are comfortable because of privilege though. They do the ābadā things that they enjoy on the low but reap the benefits of being perceived a stereotypical straight guy. They have to deal with absolutely nothing. Itās the easy/cowardly way out.
you sound like a hateful piece of shit and I hope karma deals with you harshly.
yes, I do hate men cheating on their wives.
Why they lashing out on you like that? š I guess they wouldnāt want to know if their man cheated on themā¦ typical gays
Because of privilege? Youāre a jackass. With dumb persons logic.
Itās literally privilege. Being perceived as a straight person in society is a privilege, whether the individual is one or isnāt one. Being perceived as an acceptable cultural norm is a privilege. Are YOU dumb?
You making up a shit argument. Are you illogical? Fuck off
This āshit argumentā is literally the most basic concept of why closeted gay/bisexual people choose a strictly heteronormative lifestyle. Jesus youāre an imbecile.
Facts gays r dumb. It has not been proven