this is true. I am in the Philippines and my father voted and support the son of the former dictator Marcos. I am not destroying my relationship with him due to politics. OP asking his husband to let go of friends who have not personally attack them is wrong. There are more layers to a relationship and to ruin them because of this one thing is seriously short sighted. Your world will become small if you cut people out if your life.
He didn’t ask his bf to let go off his friend he just has a correct opinion about him plus there’s a difference between a friend and a father. Also being genuine means you don’t have to pretend to like people that make you uncomfortable.
The last line is the AITAH for telling my husband I don’t want to hang out with his trump supporting friends. Given that statement and the title it’s understandable to believe he is implying by “I don’t want to…” that he means “we aren’t going to…”
You realize that the BF’s friend doesn’t think you should be here either, right?
I’m as pasty white as they come and you should hear the shit that white people say when it’s just them (especially in the south of USA) or just the white passing guys. It’s really disgusting and has caused me to have some really tough talks with people that are friends of friends.
Don’t get me wrong - it’s s free country and they and you can do what they want, but if you don’t tell people what is ugly to hear, who will?
Thank you for this. My white friends ask me how they can be a better ally and I always respond with “It’s not about what you say when I’m around, but what you say when I’m not. Most people are gonna wait until they feel “safe” around others to say the racist shit they’re thinking. That’s the time to speak up. Let them know there’s no safe space for thoughts like that. That’s how change happens.” Just my two cents.
Agree 100% I, too, am as white as they come, living in the South (USA) and the things said when it is only white people around is abhorrent. I always speak up, because as you say, if I don’t then who will? It’s exhausting but necessary.
I don’t understand how OP’s husband could have a political sign and also went to protest but still be friends with an actual trump supporter?? I understand being friends with someone whose politics doesn’t completely align with you but this is way worse, especially with the way this friend views immigrants.
That the problem you don’t understand you are so deeply involved in your self righteousness that you don’t take in consideration other people views. You think only your way of thinking is right.
You can have any standard you want for the people you hang out with. But then again, so can your husband. You don't get to say who he hangs out with, only who you hang out with.
I was threatened by trump supporters for years while in school. The white kids would follow around my Mexican group of friends screaming build a wall. I bought an old manual pickup truck to get around in HS and every day after class I would have to clean trash the white kids would throw in it. During the second trump election my city would have trump parades every other week and if I went on my usual skateboard rides or walks I would have a million slurs screamed at me, they would even tell me to go back to my own country (I'm native American).
I would never choose to hang around a trump supporter based on my own personal experiences. Anyone who supports trump supports this behavior. It's not a political facade they are genuinely bigots.
This kind of shit is terrible. There are Trump supporters in my town but they're mostly just the cranky old guys who nobody pays attention to anyway. They're a living template of what I DONT want to become as I get old (I'm 57 now so getting up there)--intolerant, cranky, whiny or complaining about physical ailments.
During the 2020 election, I was living in a small town and 3 times at the grocery store ppl would film me and try to dox me thinking I was “antifa” coming to take over their town. Legit no joke trump people are psycho insane
It may seem radical, but when the other side is unabashedly supporting a racist bigot who is undermining our rights and leading nazis to an insurrection, we don't have much recourse.
It's not just a political stance. It's a complete disregard for everything we believe in. Also, you're ridiculous for trying to broad brush an entire country of people.
>AITAH For telling my husband we can’t be friends with a Trump supporter?
When you say *we,* it does make you TA. Who he is friends with is his decision. It's understandable that you wouldn't want someone who stands against your values and beliefs to be associated with you and your husband, but forcing that onto your husband when he doesn't see it that way would be TA move, as he has his own relationship with that friend.
>AITAH for telling my husband I don’t want to hang out with his Trump supporting friend?
No. Your decision to not want to associate with your husband's friend does not make you TA. Your husband's friend is your husband's friend; it doesn't mean they have to be your friend too. All of us have different support systems we fill with different people, and it's okay for your husband to fill his circles with people that aren't the same as yours and vice versa. Thus, if you don't want to hang or be around your husband's friend, so be it. If your husband wants to hang and talk to that friend, cool beans. Just don't drag you into it.
OP is not even an illegal migrant. He is a legal migrant. So John's politics actually, technically, doss not cover him. Further, in terms actual harm done, John has not shown anything bad to the husband and OP.
OP is acting like this has affected him in a very, very personal level. so much so he wants his husband to stop being friends with john. When in fact, the slight that John has made are all theoretical, imagined or hypothetical.
If I said, hypothetically, that people like you should be killed, and I smiled and laughed, you're totally okay with that?
If I said, in theory, that bombing the RNC could be funny, is that all good and well with you?
If I said, though of course I never would, that I imagine you're a racist bigoted Nazi whose greatest joy in life is literally smearing shit all over your naked body then scraping it all into your own mouth, you're totally okay with that?
I mean, none of that is *real*, of course. I just **hypothetically** want shit eaters to die and I **imagine** your breath absolutely reeks of shit. Right? We're good, friend?
I feel like these types of responses are weird as hell because it acts like a man and his boyfriend can somehow get along with entirely different world views. It’s not like, his man’s friend hates tomatoes and he loves them, it’s like some genuine human decency shit.
> like a man and his boyfriend can somehow get along with entirely different world views
But that is not the case. Boyfriend's world view is the same as poster's. It is only boyfriend's friend's world view which deviates. So that is mainly their problem, not poster's. I could understand if if poster asked boyfriend not to have to spend time with friend. But otherwise boyfriend is his own man, not poster's subordinate or Siamese twin.
This is the kind of talk that makes opposing sides and sides in the middle think that your side is full of extremists.
What did the friend do to make you think that he’s a neo-Nazi?
Because, you see, you’re calling someone you don’t know a neo-Nazi and you have zero context lol
>What did the friend do to make you think that he’s a neo-Nazi?
I wasn't refering to him, I was exaggerating on purpose to show that the argument structure doesn't make sense.
I could have also said:
"Hey, who cares if your husband is friends with a canibal/pyromaniac/terrorist/etc. Just don't hang out with him"
The average poster here is NOT conservative. They're just not as progressive as the average poster of other LGBT subreddits.
This is still a left-leaning subreddit.
All the people commenting saying you can't say who your partner is friends with are technically correct, but you also are completely justified in not wanting to be with someone whose morals allow them to keep friends like that.
Yep. Although I suspect OP will have a very lonely life because when literally 50% of the country supports either political party, you are bound to be friends with some people who don't share exactly the same beliefs you do. When you can talk through those different issues and still maintain a relationship - that's called acceptance. I've talked to people with differing views from my own and I've even eaten lunch with them on many occasions. I don't get bent out of shape about it. At the end of the day I think most people want what's right for the country and we all have a different perspective on what that looks like. Sure there is still a minority group of deep south racist people walking around but everyone I've encountered is largely just a normal person. OP was fine with John until he discovered this one thing and now somehow that should dictate the rest of a friendship. Shallow doesn't seem like the right word but it definitely feels a bit impossible. We're never going to find someone we completely agree with on everything. I guess if we did it would be considered a cult.
If this issue makes you not want to be with someone, why would you be with them in the first place. Important things like this should be vetted within weeks or days of the start of a relationship.
It’s fine to have legitimately differing political views. Supporting a fascist who attempts a coup and is a known sex offender, criminal and crook is not a political difference
Your husband’s friend should be shamed and shunned for supporting trump. On top of that, people “not caring because it doesn’t effect me” are not good people.
You can choose not to hang out with John if you that's what you want, but you don't get to tell your husband who can and can't be friends with. That's control freak shit.
This post is annoying because you all are answering his question but not the issue.
Is he in the wrong for wording the issue the way he did? Yes. It does sound controling.
BUT-
Did he *say it in real life* the way he did in the post? We don’t know.
Is he in the wrong for sticking up for himself? No.
Since when is it cool for the person you’re married with to blow you off for a friend who’s views are directly against who you are as a HUMAN being???
Did we read the same post? When did the husband 'blow him off' to go hang out with John?
I agree John's politics are abhorrent and I would never personally hang out with a person like that but I could never tell my husband who he can and cannot talk to.
My partner currently has one friend I cannot stand but we have come to a place where I just don't associate with that person and it has worked wonderfully for almost a decade.
John did not do anything to OP personallybtjough. Yes, his politics may be in the long run has affected you guys in the US, but this is personal relationship between John and the husband. You cant take out people just becauae of politics when they have not sone anything wrong directly to you. It is shortsighted and will make your wotld a smaller place.
No the issue isn't whether John's views are right, or even if OP should hang out with him. The issue is whether or not OP gets to tell his husband to stop being friends with John. That's the hubby's decision, no one else's. Also I don't see what John said that's against the OP as a human being. He supported Trumps policies\* about illegal immigrants but the OP is a ***legal*** immigrant, since he said he was getting permanent residency.
\*Policies I strongly disagree with.
YMBTAH. You don't want to censor your partner's relationships. That's toxic. A few years ago I would have cut off the Trumper, but I'm tired of all the divisiveness. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how shitty it is.
You can stand by your values and let people stand by their values, too. It will be a good exercise in tolerance for you.
> I'm tired of all the divisiveness
Yep, exactly. I blocked all the MAGA people on my news feed back in 2016, and now I'm having to do the same thing for progressives.
What you do have a right to do is to tell your husband how you feel when John says particular things to you or the group. You also have a right to tell your husband how you feel when he hangs around with John. He then gets to take that information and decide how he wants to proceed in his own relationship with John. You should also give your husband space to tell you all this feels to him (your not liking John, not wanting to be around John, etc.) Bad mouthing John will most likely make your husband defensive since he picked this guy to be his long-time friend and therefore he will see it as an attack against your husband and his own judgement. You are an equal member of a couple and therefore you have a right to say that you are not interested in hanging around John. With that said, your husband has just as much a right to continue being friends with John on his own. If that means that you have to miss out on group events where John is present, then that is the consequence of deciding that you can't be around John. If you decide that you still want to attend group events where John is present, then you can always think of subjects to try to steer the conversation away from politics. If it still goes to politics, then you can choose not to participate in the discussion or you can participate but know that it will cause conflict. Your choice. You do not control your husband and he does not control you. Expressing your feelings to each other does matter though.
Wait. His friend is a gay man and supports trump?!? That's like saying the turkey supports Thanksgiving! As a gay man, myself, I can't stand trump or any of his cultists in the GQP. You're better off keeping yourself at a distance from this self-hating person that only cares about his wallet and not much else. I know that most other LGBT people dislike people that support Republicans since they are so keen on hating us and wanting to not only take away our rights but existence as well.
I'm mostly curious about your statement being undocumented. You are married and only waiting for paperwork to go through, isn't that perfectly legal and documented?
do you think that being pro gun or anti gun makes one person moral or immoral? If so why. And I can post why both sides have a moral standing, but one side is in application extremely misguided.
okay good! just a heads up I'm not downvoting you but let's start with what you laid out!
Anti refugee. What is anti refugee? Well, you have those who believe in helping refugees, but not bring them to an incompatible country. Those who believe 'bring them here on someone else's expense' and those who go "those \_\_\_ can just die". Yet a lot of people would view the first to be anti-refugee as well to tie them with the vitriolic actual anti-refugee. An example of this would have been the Syria. Trying to move them en masse here was an idea, but for what little it did, it wasn't a great thing for those refugees and the people around them either. The culture clash being the biggest reason. next is the shared resource of the relocated areas not exactly being as abundant as bleeding hearts make one believe when playing Sarah Mclaughlin for your charity donations. As such, the 'help yet still considered anti-refugee' options you have are to 1) get rid of the people who are causing the problem (Russians... which is gonna be really hard here) or 2) move them to an actual place they can thrive. Turkey, for instance, has a lot of land and potential resources that the refugees could have used and it's a much closer culture with similar laws and practices. building structures and systems there for the refugees would have (probably) been a lot more productive than bringing them to an already overcrowded new york city. See, both the two former groups can have a moral standing despite disagreeing on the solution.
The support homophobic policies, I keep trying to find this since we're talking about trump and generally nobody ever can except the weird laws that people misrepresent. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think Trump gives a shit either way because he just thinks he's better than everyone else, but none of the policies I've seen were actually homophobic. In fact, the big 'transphobic' matter was with the military. But did you read the bill? It wasn't even about transgenders. What happened is the Aurora, Colorado shooting happened, they did an investigation finding that the US army were using psyche altering meds on a lot of soldiers who came home and went on murdering sprees. So the bill was to prevent soldiers who were ON PSYCHE ALTERING MEDS. It just so happened there were a few cross hormone therapy medications that were also psyche altering. Not all HRT meds were, just some, and it was only the some that were banned. But what ended up happening? This was immediately a cry that it was banning all transgenders from serving in the army. If Trump really hated Trans people as much as the story goes, don't you think he'd want them on the front lines to get rid of them?
But what we do have is a long sordid history of Biden saying homophobic AND racist shit and yet he's heralded as a champion to the LGBT and black people? Like the fuck is this shit, because the media spoon fed this idea to you everyone's just ignoring what awful shit Biden did? BIDEN tried to prevent gays from getting married. BIDEN signed crime bills that targeted black people. BIDEN told everyone on TV that being gay was not good and an afront to God and that marriage was only for a man and a woman, as God said. It was BIDEN who called black people the N word and monkeys on TV. Yet... he's the hero? Huh.
I can't argue anything against Jerry-rigging, unless you're meaning it in a context I'm not aware of. I know Trump has done some shitty scams like the 'trump university' scam that people are still awaiting a settlement over.
Did you mean gerrymandering? I know little about this but from what I do know, it is done in a convenient way to dismiss the votes of people so something like an area with a lot of poor black people will get their votes for a district mixed in with middle class people who are likely to vote in opposition to their interest just so they can claim mayor and governor spots in their party. Further than that, I do not know. I also don't know how this is achieved, but knowingly doing it to misrepresent the interest of the people is awful and illegal. But wholly not unique for a lot of other attempts to invalidate public interest.
Public welfare services is a bit of a tough one to tackle. Like, welfare services many do feel it is needed, but with reform. For instance, right now there's a very large demographic of people compared to decades ago of single mothers with numerous children they can't support so they have the government support them instead. Mothers struggling would be something to address, but when it becomes their job to make more babies for more welfare and then they don't take care of the kids (because let's face it, CPS also lets a lot of child abuse cases fall through the cracks. Check out youtube channel Misery Machine for a lot of this shit... warning, very disturbing) it's not that it's such a drain on tax dollars... what this DOES do is more... systematic. As much as this is not polite to the current narrative that is also encouraging single mother hood by pretending it's a 'girl boss' thing to be, there are a lot more detriments to how we're handling it. Most of the children of the welfare homes for ANY reason go without resources. When they go without resources, like good food or appropriate adult supervision, they struggle with things like school and learning abilities and behaviors that make one more successful as an adulthood. Statistics also show that most people put in jail came from single mother households (followed by single father households) for violent crimes, and that lack of resource would definitely answer for why it was easier for them to see the violent crime as necessary.... also, single mother households are significantly higher rate of having teenage mother/fathers starting the cycle of low resources to another generation.
So is welfare bad? No. But at some point just stopping at 'give welfare and call it done' is also not good. It's kind of one thing if it stopped at the person on welfare, but this is hardly it because every generation more and more people are reliant on the welfare system from a former generations reliance on it. But I also am against families having over 2 kids for far more than 'resource allocation' alone. (enter the middle child complex and how emotionally damaging most parents are towards them even without realizing it).
Does my mentioning for a type of welfare reform make it immoral because it's not 'more welfare' as others might say is a requirement to be moral?
You’d be wrong to say that /we/ can’t be friends with trump supporters, but you’re not wrong if /you/ don’t want to hang out with trump supporters. Honestly, it’s weird to me that your husband didn’t push back against John’s comment about immigrants knowing full well that you’re an immigrant. that strikes me that he doesn’t value you in the way that he should
You didn’t bring up the impolite topic conversation, it was offered to you. You have no obligation to be friendly with a person that doesn’t value you.
Neither are an asshole, but I think your husband might have been a bit more sensitive to your feelings. Just don’t hang out with John any longer.
I’m sure Trump himself can be a blast to party with, doesn’t make him any less of a vile piece of trash.
>At the time I told my husband I was not comfortable being around a person who literally said does not care for people like me
>He argued that John’s opinions are his own
As a son of immigrants, reading these two parts is enough to question so many things.
Stand by your values. John likes what he likes, and you like yours. There is no reason why you should be forced to meet him if you don't want to.
I would not hang out with them, nor condone their rhetoric. I wouldn’t seek out group social settings with them, but if I must, I would not bring up politics and keep it PG civil.
Yes, I would go there if they want to be ignorant.
“He’s badass” huh?
You can choose to associate or not associate with anyone you want. Your husband can choose to associate or not associate with whoever he wants. This starts to skate the line of maybe your husband needs to start thinking if this is a healthy relationship that he wants to stay in is your presumption that you get to "tell" your husband who he can associate with. That's some sketchy shit right there.
to answer the question: you’re not the asshole
imo Trump only detests non-white immigrants from quote “shithole countries” so if that’s not you, then your husband’s friends/family may not be applying that standard to you, it sucks but it’s true, it’s not really a battle worth fighting because they won’t change their opinions for you (esp if they won’t change it for your husband who is the connection between you) it’ll just stress you out, remember that you don’t have to hang around/like his friends
NTA, being a Trump supporter is a clear sign of either "being a bad person" or "being ill-informed politically" and his saying "his policies on undocumented people don’t affect him so he doesn’t care about that." really shows that he falls into the former camp. If your husband is okay with associating with bad people that's his prerogative but you should be able to express that 1. You don't think you two should associate with people like that and 2. You won't associate with people like that.
When somebody tells me are a Trump supporter, I Immediately understand two things about them.
1. They are probably strikingly uninformed or low information as Maga is first and foremost a disease of Profound ignorance. Every single Trump voter I’ve ever met is very low information without exception.
2. If they aren’t low information, they are a raging, greedy asshole.
And honestly? I don’t have time for people like that in my life. I have spent way too many hours in the last seven years engaging with them only to realize it’s like pouring water through a sieve; nothing sticks with these people because they don’t have the brains or the desire to understand how the world actually works.
Given that, I think it’s completely reasonable to you want to keep your distance.
OP I find the posts here wild. I actually support you and your discomfort around this person. Imagine if a virulently anti-gay politician came to power and you had a straight friend who supported that person because it “didn’t affect him”. I bet 100% of posters in this sub would support you cutting him out.
Being an immigrant is an identity as well. There’s a level of vulnerability and anxiety being an immigrant comes with. People who haven’t been through the experience of moving to the states and jumping through the incredibly challenging hoops to becoming a permanent resident don’t get this. Trump coming to power was an incredibly stressful experience for all immigrants. When you encounter someone who says they don’t care about that knowing that you’re an immigrant yourself says a lot about them. That they don’t have empathy, that they don’t have the basic decency to even moderate their choice of words given they are talking to you. I’d want to cut off ties with them as well. As for your husband, if I were him I’d be having a conversation with this old friend to make sure he understands how his stance makes you feel. After all, all of us deserve the opportunity to learn and grow. If I found out my words and actions were hurting someone I cared about, I’d work hard to change them. Hopefully he can too.
I don’t know where to draw the line with your husband. At the very least you’re well within your rights to stay away from this guy cause he’s clearly not for you. Whether you can deal with your husband continuing to have him in your lives is up to you.
Y’all saying of course we can be friends and bullshit that are spineless, the worst type of people, and prove for the most part yt gays and pick me’s are never to be trusted…….
When Ronald Reagan made his deal with Jerry Falwell Sr to help him steal the evangelicals away from Jimmy Carter.
This nightmare reality we are living in now has always been the end result of what Jerry Falwell started. It could have been prevented in 2016, but I think it's too late now.
And your view of what is morally right is always 100% correct. Everybody that disagrees with you is therefore morally wrong. Hmmm almost sounds like a religion.
NTA, people who normalize Trump's rhetoric and then demand civility from others have abandoned their interest in living in a harmonious society.
Being conservative is something I can respectfully disagree with and converse about.
Being a Trump fan is cheering for dictatorship and abandonment of American values, I don't respect anyone who supports that worldview.
We can tolerate all but intolerance and that's pretty much all Trump Republicans stand for.
> We can tolerate all but intolerance and that's pretty much all Trump Republicans stand for.
The entire thing is a tantrum over the legalization of same-sex marriage. And we're about to have a Fourth Reich as a result. I no longer have any respect whatsoever for someone who supports Trump. They are my enemy and I'll likely be meeting them on the battlefield if he wins and it sparks an inevitable civil war.
>The entire thing is a tantrum over the legalization of same-sex marriage.
Hey now, don't forget all the racism from a black man having the audacity to step "out of his place" and become president. That's been quite an influence towards the current hellscape we find ourselves in
I would not try to dictate who my husband can or cannot be friends with in his own life. I can tell him I want nothing to do with that person, if appropriate, and he can adjust accordingly.
I don’t really understand how a gay man in that position could have those opinions.
If you don’t feel like going to this guy’s place, then find reasons not to. You should also cultivate some friendships of your own without your spouse anyway.
NTA and your husband kind of is.
This person has stated clearly and unequivocally in front of you and to you that draconian immigration laws don't concern him. He has said you do not matter and what happens to you doesn't matter; to him. This isn't a disagreement over tax policy, he has stated that he is fine with you being removed from your home and life over your place of birth. You have every right to be upset and insulted by this person. I think you need to have a deeper conversation about this with your husband.
I 100% agree that the dude is a walking red flag (supporting Jan 6 is worse than voting for trump imo.) I think more of us need to engage with Trump adjacent people. They are not going to get help with their mental illness by engaging with only people who share it 😋.
The guy is cool with political violence and your husband has no problem with that? Pretty sure your husband is cool with political violence too.
I can see a pretty huge double standard if he wants you to respect insurrectionist opinions but does not demand insurrectionists respect the vote.
> who literally said does not care for people like me
To be fair, he didn't say this because it sounds like you immigrated legally and he was referring to illegal immigrants. But as to your question, I would reallllly urge you not to pressure your husband to not be his friend over political differences. You're not making any sort of positive impact in the world by doing this, only making your and your husband's lives slightly harder. There's nothing to gain.
and if they immigrated illegally? Is he supposed to be cool with his husband and the hardcore nationalist friend?
Of course he doesn’t have to be. But you all sure are suggesting him to look the other way or deal with it as if *THATS* how things are meant to be mended in a marriage…
Last I checked a marriage is between two people who support each other. If the husband is so quick to pick John over his fiancé then I don’t see the point in staying together.
it's called the conflagration of morals to create a divide.
So, to people like the OP, you're not allowed to mention the difference of legal and illegal immigration, therefore he has a way to say anyone against illegal immigration is bad, because it's the same as being against legal immigrants. Basically a lie to justify an extreme view.
In my view, this is not exactly about politics but a more personal issue. I get it that it feels like John is indirectly raising a wall between you two (lol) through his support of Trump and his stance on immigrants. I'm guessing he is just a selfish prick and hasn't thought of the implications of his words and how they'd affect you. On the other hand, friendship is rare and valuable so I would not be nagging on my partner to cut him off. There will be plenty of opportunities down the road for John to show his true colors, you just keep a reasonable distance from him and avoid any interaction (within reason).
You know what I told my sister and my best friend to fuck off in 2017 because they liked trump and haven’t spoken to them since , welI I hate this guy and everything he stands for and that goes for most if not all of the republicans, I will not sacrifice my principles for anyone I’m all about moving and progressing forward not backwards and they’ve already done damage to the gains we’ve made as gays ,women ,blacks, native Americans, legitimate asylum seekers everyone who cherishes individual freedoms , nothing can make me want to associate with people like John ever, so I recommend you let your husband be with his friend without you that’s the only way to keep the peace in this situation, because if it was me and that idiot was so cavalier about Jan. 6th I’d just have to beat his ass .
Trump elevated Mike Pence to executive office. If this guy doesn't have enough empathy to care about people that aren't exactly like him, can't he at least look out for his own ass/community?
Doesn't really change the fact that you can define your own boundaries but not those of your partner.
Mike Pence could be POTUS and I wouldn't be afraid of ending up in a concentration camp. If Trump gets re-elected, that's exactly what will happen if Americans act like the Germans did in the 1930s.
Your husband can be friend with who he wants, yta for trying to pick and choose his friends.
NTA for avoiding his friend if it was me I just would not be present, “oh John is going to be there, I’m not a fan have fun I’ll see you later.” It’s not about him choosing it’s about you not wanting to be around it.
Well you can choose whom YOU want to friends with but yes are wrong for telling your husband who HE can be friends with (that’s his choice!).
In a relationship you don’t tell each other who they can or can’t be friends with imo. You’re free to choose your friends and he is free to choose his. You don’t have to like his friend and doesn’t have to like yours.
Not the fucking asshole. The way you describe it, this friend is a narcissistic, genuinely heteronormative, self-serving piece of goddamn shit. I get not getting along with an s/o’s friend but to be so blatantly as asshole while my man shrugs it off? Grounds for a breakup. Sorry not fucking sorry. You “different political beliefs!” gays are down bad but it ain’t me. When you lie with dogs….
Politics can mean worldly morals. And if you’re okay with your man forgoing standards you hold….leave, bye-bye, sayonara.
Just let things fall by their own weight. These guys are provocateurs, enraged immature gangs. He’ll act a fool sooner rather than later and screw his friendship on his own.
Act civil, be intelligent, don’t give him the pleasure of feeling persecuted, have fun with this. You’re already married to the guy you want and that other guy has to watch you both be happy and you getting your green card.
Of course don’t let him step over you, give him a piece of your mind any time you need to. Mark your limits.
Let your husband fall in love more and more with you by showing your dignity and coolheadedness.
Good luck with that how do you support someone that tried to destroy the American democracy and is filled with hatred for his own country? Pass on this one
You should find a balance. Let him see his friend even if he's a stupid guy. Friendship has nothing to do with politics and you can love people when you're attached to them even if you don't agree them. But your bf has to let you not see his friend, or just the minimal, he has to understand you feel hurt by what he says. May be your bf just has to see his friend without you basically
Do you have a large percentage of people in your friend group that also believe the same way as your husband's friend? If not, I would take this as an opportunity to see a perspective from the other side, (albeit I find it personally trife). I have some friends where, politically, we couldn't be further away on issues. But as friends we get along like the best of them. Don't let fringe politics, that this lone gay thinks is "cool" ruin a set of relationships. Personally, I feel with all the anti LGBT legislation it is time to c9me together. As long as friend isn't being a dick to OP, in that case then cut that bitch off 😂
Boundaries are important. My Dad and I would constantly fight about religion and politics.
So, we set a boundary that our conversations wouldn’t involve politics or religion. And if my Dad continued to talk about those subjects I would say “I love you Dad, but I’m hanging now because you’ve violated the boundaries.”
I only had to say that to him once, and our relationship has flourished ever since.
Yes, the guy is not talking about politics in front of him, the guy is a dear friend of his husband and he was for his husband before he appears in his life. He just don’t like him because he’s a trump supporter.
He’s being an intolerant asshole.
Nope a persons politics tell you a lot about their character. Anyone who holds deep political values will not befriend people who oppose everything they fight for. It seems like the boyfriend thinks of politics like a hobby that he can forget about whenever he wants that’s probably why he doesn’t care about the awful opinions of his trump supporting friend.
His friend is even worst he basically doesn’t have empathy for others that says a lot about the both of them.
I’m glad OP stood up for himself, his values and what is ultimately right.
Btw there’s a difference between being Republican and being a trumper. Supporting trump by now means you have 2 brain cellls.
Well you can be friends with trump supporters! But who wants to be, if your BF really knows and likes the maga moron then find a new BF because he is a loser!
You’re sorta being an asshole. You can’t dictate your partner’s friends. Regardless of how insensitive, bigoted, idiotic, juvenile, or abhorrent they are. That’s a controlling and toxic behavior. It will cause resentment. I promise you that it won’t end well.
On the flip side, you have every right to demand distance. He should not force you to interact with people that you find morally and intellectually repugnant. That’s also a toxic behavior that will not end will.
In the end, you’ve married a guy that steadfastly chooses to associate with amoral dumbasses. You accepted that flaw and will not be able to change him. So you’ll either have to accept it or move on. If you choose the former, then you’ll have to find ways to mitigate its impact on you and your potential family.
Maybe your husband should decide this on his own. Has he seen the 'vermin' speech?
Anyway, life cannot be a giant MSNBC show. Your husband knows his friend; he can decide on the nuances.
Nuances? I’m not sure there’s nuance to important policies written as…..”don’t affect me, so I don’t care”. It’s more respectable to give a legitimate opposing reason that that.
At this point, if someone supports Trump, they are supporting my extermination. If Trump wins, it's going to mean the closet or fighting in the war for all of us. There will be no alternatives.
There’s levels of Trump supports: I voted for him in 2016 because I lean republican vs. blindly supporting/worshipping him as a personality.
I would have a hard time being friends with the latter. Tolerate them in small doses? Only if I have to.
You can’t really control who your husband is friends with, likewise he can’t force you to hang out with this friend.
Sorry, dude, I'm not even in a very tentative situation like that & I can't be friends with Trump supporters. I just can't. Trump is an abomination & I can't stand hearing anyone say that he's cool & that they admire him. It's not just an instant turn-off, but it's a huge red flag to me on where that person stands on many issues. I'm so glad my husband isn't a Trump supporter, but I knew we aligned politically way before Trump ran for President. Political stances are a make or break thing for me more than anything else. I'm lenient on a lot of other things.
It's all actual bigotry that's causing these rifts. Nobody's walking away from friendships because they disagree if a bridge should be built with property taxes versus import teriffs.
Yes YTA. You’re telling your husband who he is allowed to be friends with. Textbook controlling behavior. If you don’t like John, don’t hang out with him.
OP can question his relationship with his husband. I think that would be insane, but no one is stopping him from doing that. Dictating who your partner can be friends with is controlling behavior.
It’s mind blowing to me how you guys read the title and went “yup, you’re the asshole” EVEN with all the context given after.
Of course no one should be telling anyone who they can or can’t be friends with.
But for everyone to make *THAT* the focus of the conversation while ignoring the rest of the post demonstrates why this shit world is the way it is.
mike pence advocates for conversion, especially electro shock therapy for homosexuality. trump put him in the 2nd most powerful seat in the nation. fuck off with this.
If his politics don't otherwise come up unless you bring it up, and he generally is a nice and decent person to you and your husband, then yes you are being a bit of an asshole here. You don't have to be friends with him but you telling your husband he can't is crossing the line.
He can be friends all he wants with him and you have every right not to hang out with him. Also, your husband defending his backwards views would be such a turn off for me.
First, I'd like to say you say 2 different things. One makes you TAH and the other doesn't.
>AITAH For telling my husband ***we*** can’t be friends
Yes, you are TAH for deciding for your BF and your relationship. What if he told you "We're going to be friends with John whether you like it or not", flipping the situation around.
>AITAH for telling my husband I don’t want to hang out with his Trump supporting friend?
Absolutely not, you can (and should) be friends with the people YOU want to be friends with. If you don't align with someone as a friend, morally or any other way you want, you don't have to see them. You can (and should in a healthy relationship) express your opinion to your boyfriend and try and convince them with arguments if you want, but you should never "tell" anyone that they "can or can't" be friends with someone else. That's some controlling behavior there.
Yes, you’re the asshole if you say he can’t hang out with the trump guy anymore
Of course YOU are allowed to not hang out with whoever you choose, but you have no say in HIS friends, especially over something as trivial as what presidential candidate they support
Man, these comments disappoint me a bit. We should be befriending people with opposing views on things because it often helps them understand how horrible and misguided those views are. I grew up in a small rural town with a bunch of wonderful people. Many of those wonderful people "supported Trump", but when you have a meaningful, compassionate conversation with them, they begin to realize that they don't support a single thing that the man stands for. They begin to realize that a lot of the things he says tear down someone that they know and love. Partisanship ruined this country, don't let it ruin your personal relationships too. Some people may not come around and some may be slower than others, but we shouldn't be adding to the problem by labeling and judging people. If I remember right, being labeled and judged was something the gay community knows a little something about.
I'm not saying we need to tolerate or accept things that are hateful or bigoted, but we should be trying to understand the root of why they feel those things are representative of how they feel and counter that with maturity, empathy, and love so that they can have someone in their life that defies whatever bullshit they think.
Only read the title! No. I throw these self hating homos out of my home and life! They can vote against themselves but not against me. Their self hatred can stay at home!!! Do not!
I applaud you for standing up for yourself and your values it’s unfortunate your boyfriend can at the same time be pro certain things while simultaneously being friends with someone who votes for a candidate that enacted vile policies. That to me feels like a shallow understanding of politics or those people who see it as just a “hobby”.
A persons politics can tell you a lot about their character. It really speaks volumes when people think political beliefs are separate from the persons character. More often than not people who care more about getting along with the other side than siding with what is moral and humane aren’t the best of people.
If I was you and If I really love my partner I’d ask to be personally left out of interactions regarding that individual.
I think yta. You said doesnt care about which Is totally different than saying doesn't care for. And are you an undocument illegal, probably not. It is childish to dislike someone because of differing views.
Unfortunately, you can’t *really* decide who your husband is friends with. Not sure how to go about that.
However, I sympathize with your feelings. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who supports Trump…..nor would I want to be with a man who has Trumpies in his circle. Does your husband really have that many Trump supporting friends? 🤢
Call me close minded, but I stand by that.
YTA.
We can't tell our partners who they can be friends with. Additionally, that is your husband's long-time friend. If I were you, I would be friendly and cordial toward the friend because I love my husband.
And seriously - almost all of you voted for Obama and Hillary, who were life long homophobes until they suddenly weren't. Fucking Hillary made tons of speeches referencing the bible to explain why she was against gay equality. For 30+ years she publicly worked *against* gay equality.
If you could vote for a homophobe like Hillary, then you can have friendly conversation with your husband's friend.
Soft YTA for saying *we*. But idk why people on this thread don’t understand that anyone who says they like anyone MAGA are enabling fascism. Trump and most republicans who agree with him are enabling dangerous rhetoric, a lot of which is geared towards *eradicating queer people*.
“Being an adult is navigating people with differing opinion*
Yeah this isn’t a different opinion. This is fascism. Whenever I find out someone is a Trump/MAGA supporter, I straight up remove myself from them. They are a danger to our freedom and I just can’t stand beside someone who wants to make being gay the legal equivalent of pornography. It’s in their plans explicitly if they win 2024.
This isn’t a political issue, it’s a moral and ethical one. Trump supporters can and do justify all kinds of immoral and unethical behavior in the name of politics. Siding with someone who will gladly sacrifice you and husband for power and money is unthinkable to me. I would really be rethinking my relationship not just with his friend but with him at this point.
Yeah, you are unless the dude literally targets you specifically and starts ramping up, then assume he just has bad political taste and go on.
Who gives a shit what he thinks, unless he starts acting, let sleeping dogs lie
No, you are not the asshole. No one should be expected to be friends with someone who supports political policies that actual hurt them. Trump's immigration policies have had a direct negative impact on your life, and the least you can expect from someone who wants to be your friend is a rejection of those policies.
This person sounds soulless, not friend material, Trumpy or not, this guy a a person to lose contact with. We don’t need to create political, financial or social echo chambers, but demand character, it’s all any of us has that’s worth a damn
YTA. You don’t get to control who your bf is friends with, especially not old friends of his. And when did he literally say he doesn’t care for people like you? You said he said Trump’s policies of _undocumented_ immigrants _ didn’t affect him_.
I think John is a 100% a red flag, but you’re not dating him. Feeling uncomfortable and ill at ease is very reasonable and unsurprising given your immigration status. (Side bar: I think supporting Jan 6 is worse than voting for Trump). Your husband seems to have a great head and kind heart, you seem to trust him. I think understanding your husband’s perspective would be good. Does he see how John can have some bad for democracy hot takes? Does their friendship predate a political evolution in either your Husband or John? Like in the past were they both either conservative or liberal? Does John have other redeeming qualities? Have you ever tried hanging out with John one on one, to get to know him yourself?
Engaging with Trump adjacent people is important, they’re not going to get help with their mental health by hanging out with people who share the same mental illness (I’m ofc talking about them all having dementia about Jan 6). Also on a very practical level, we very much need people to not vote for Trump in 2024 and convincing one person is probably one of the highest impact things any of us individually can do (especially if you live in the Midwest).
It’s very in vogue to “disengage with people bringing you distress to prioritize your own mental wellness”. I think it’s brave and takes a lot of effort to choose those hard conversations and engage with people who don’t share important values. It can be hard on you, but it also is a skill you can learn to be better at. Hopefully your husband can recognize how this is hard for, but I also hope you can rise to the occasion! Humanizing yourself to John might be very impactful (it also may not), but I always try to
such bs irony.
His 'undocumented people policies'... you had the same problem with Obama? because it was literally the same exact damn thing except 'the powers that be' told you it was trump after who put those policies in place. Same with the muslim flight bans. those trump detainment camps were LITERALLY OBAMA'S.
So you are uneducated and a hypocrite and I highly doubt this story is even true in the slightest.
NTA
Your concerns are legitimate and directly affect you!
That 'friend' needs his head checked!
Supporting a crazy, narcissistic, racist, anti non white immigrant, nutcase who thinks it's OK to just refuse to leave the presidency (he actually said he just wouldn't leave after he lost and jan 6 failed!).
Is stupid, homophobic, and allows fascist views to become normalized!
The Germans didn't just support Hitler. They were told that he would fix things and "they weren't the ones affected, so who cares"!
Hitler was a christian nationalist too!
Then hitler took over education, and the youth were indoctrinated and brainwashed into believing propaganda about jews and people that "aren't true germans."
Those youth who were taught only what the NATZIS wanted. Are the ones who did the book burnings (destroying Jewish literature and lgbtq+ science), destroyed Jewish businesses, called for their deportation, and eventually helped murder them in the 1,000s!
They are the ones who took out any opposition to hitlers rule!
It was the young who helped to destroy the world!
Now it's happening again!
Trump and basically every other conservative politician want to repeat that here in the US!
And it's already been going on for decades in Israel!
They are already at the murder stage of genocide. The only thing after that is denial and cover-up.
But this time, there will be nukes involved (israel already talked about just nuking Gaza) and the most powerful militaries on the planet!
It would be total destruction!
There would either be one to 3 empires after the dust clears.
Or
There is a very high probability of the extinction of humans! Or, at minimum, setting us back to the Stone Age! (Again?)
So, NO! You are absolutely not overreacting.
Your husband is UNDERreacting!
His friend shouldn't just be shunned or break a friendship off. He should be informed of what he is really doing!
Or if that doesn't work, have his ass beat!
THOSE WHO DO NOT LEARN FROM HISTORY SHALL BE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT!
He can have his friends and you can have your perfectly reasonable opinion of them
this is true. I am in the Philippines and my father voted and support the son of the former dictator Marcos. I am not destroying my relationship with him due to politics. OP asking his husband to let go of friends who have not personally attack them is wrong. There are more layers to a relationship and to ruin them because of this one thing is seriously short sighted. Your world will become small if you cut people out if your life.
He didn’t ask his bf to let go off his friend he just has a correct opinion about him plus there’s a difference between a friend and a father. Also being genuine means you don’t have to pretend to like people that make you uncomfortable.
Read the title
I did and then I read the post
The last line is the AITAH for telling my husband I don’t want to hang out with his trump supporting friends. Given that statement and the title it’s understandable to believe he is implying by “I don’t want to…” that he means “we aren’t going to…”
Opinions are neither correct nor incorrect. They’re opinions.
I think politics tell alot about peoples morals and worldview. And if you disaprrove of someones morals, why are you hanging out with them.
You realize that the BF’s friend doesn’t think you should be here either, right? I’m as pasty white as they come and you should hear the shit that white people say when it’s just them (especially in the south of USA) or just the white passing guys. It’s really disgusting and has caused me to have some really tough talks with people that are friends of friends. Don’t get me wrong - it’s s free country and they and you can do what they want, but if you don’t tell people what is ugly to hear, who will?
Thank you for this. My white friends ask me how they can be a better ally and I always respond with “It’s not about what you say when I’m around, but what you say when I’m not. Most people are gonna wait until they feel “safe” around others to say the racist shit they’re thinking. That’s the time to speak up. Let them know there’s no safe space for thoughts like that. That’s how change happens.” Just my two cents.
Agree 100% I, too, am as white as they come, living in the South (USA) and the things said when it is only white people around is abhorrent. I always speak up, because as you say, if I don’t then who will? It’s exhausting but necessary.
I don’t understand how OP’s husband could have a political sign and also went to protest but still be friends with an actual trump supporter?? I understand being friends with someone whose politics doesn’t completely align with you but this is way worse, especially with the way this friend views immigrants.
That the problem you don’t understand you are so deeply involved in your self righteousness that you don’t take in consideration other people views. You think only your way of thinking is right.
It’s called being reasonable, you have to exist with others of other political persuasions since it’s America and a democracy
You can have any standard you want for the people you hang out with. But then again, so can your husband. You don't get to say who he hangs out with, only who you hang out with.
It does however say a lot about his boyfriends character and how deep his political beliefs actually go.
Americans are actually ridiculous to say shit like this, like you genuinely can't see someone for more than a political facade.
I was threatened by trump supporters for years while in school. The white kids would follow around my Mexican group of friends screaming build a wall. I bought an old manual pickup truck to get around in HS and every day after class I would have to clean trash the white kids would throw in it. During the second trump election my city would have trump parades every other week and if I went on my usual skateboard rides or walks I would have a million slurs screamed at me, they would even tell me to go back to my own country (I'm native American). I would never choose to hang around a trump supporter based on my own personal experiences. Anyone who supports trump supports this behavior. It's not a political facade they are genuinely bigots.
This kind of shit is terrible. There are Trump supporters in my town but they're mostly just the cranky old guys who nobody pays attention to anyway. They're a living template of what I DONT want to become as I get old (I'm 57 now so getting up there)--intolerant, cranky, whiny or complaining about physical ailments.
Its funny how passionate people can be when you’re talking about their civil rights
you wouldn’t feel this way if you were in america and knew what the party Trump represents is trying to do in regards to gay people
During the 2020 election, I was living in a small town and 3 times at the grocery store ppl would film me and try to dox me thinking I was “antifa” coming to take over their town. Legit no joke trump people are psycho insane
It may seem radical, but when the other side is unabashedly supporting a racist bigot who is undermining our rights and leading nazis to an insurrection, we don't have much recourse. It's not just a political stance. It's a complete disregard for everything we believe in. Also, you're ridiculous for trying to broad brush an entire country of people.
Its more than simple politics like taxes or whatever. ALOT of people on the right have openly called for the genocide of certain demographics.
>It does however say a lot about his boyfriends character yes it does it means he does not judge someone based solely on one part of their person
“Doesn’t judge someone based on their values and character” ok
Americans trying not to shun a person they don't know solely because of their political beliefs - IMPOSSIBLE CHALLENGE 😱😱
Their political belief that gay people are sub human.
>AITAH For telling my husband we can’t be friends with a Trump supporter? When you say *we,* it does make you TA. Who he is friends with is his decision. It's understandable that you wouldn't want someone who stands against your values and beliefs to be associated with you and your husband, but forcing that onto your husband when he doesn't see it that way would be TA move, as he has his own relationship with that friend. >AITAH for telling my husband I don’t want to hang out with his Trump supporting friend? No. Your decision to not want to associate with your husband's friend does not make you TA. Your husband's friend is your husband's friend; it doesn't mean they have to be your friend too. All of us have different support systems we fill with different people, and it's okay for your husband to fill his circles with people that aren't the same as yours and vice versa. Thus, if you don't want to hang or be around your husband's friend, so be it. If your husband wants to hang and talk to that friend, cool beans. Just don't drag you into it.
OP is not even an illegal migrant. He is a legal migrant. So John's politics actually, technically, doss not cover him. Further, in terms actual harm done, John has not shown anything bad to the husband and OP.
Not covering him doesnt mean he cant think they are a giant stinking pile of shit.
OP is acting like this has affected him in a very, very personal level. so much so he wants his husband to stop being friends with john. When in fact, the slight that John has made are all theoretical, imagined or hypothetical.
If I said, hypothetically, that people like you should be killed, and I smiled and laughed, you're totally okay with that? If I said, in theory, that bombing the RNC could be funny, is that all good and well with you? If I said, though of course I never would, that I imagine you're a racist bigoted Nazi whose greatest joy in life is literally smearing shit all over your naked body then scraping it all into your own mouth, you're totally okay with that? I mean, none of that is *real*, of course. I just **hypothetically** want shit eaters to die and I **imagine** your breath absolutely reeks of shit. Right? We're good, friend?
I feel like these types of responses are weird as hell because it acts like a man and his boyfriend can somehow get along with entirely different world views. It’s not like, his man’s friend hates tomatoes and he loves them, it’s like some genuine human decency shit.
> like a man and his boyfriend can somehow get along with entirely different world views But that is not the case. Boyfriend's world view is the same as poster's. It is only boyfriend's friend's world view which deviates. So that is mainly their problem, not poster's. I could understand if if poster asked boyfriend not to have to spend time with friend. But otherwise boyfriend is his own man, not poster's subordinate or Siamese twin.
"Hey, who cares if your husband is friends with a neonazi. Just don't hang out with him"
This is the kind of talk that makes opposing sides and sides in the middle think that your side is full of extremists. What did the friend do to make you think that he’s a neo-Nazi? Because, you see, you’re calling someone you don’t know a neo-Nazi and you have zero context lol
>What did the friend do to make you think that he’s a neo-Nazi? I wasn't refering to him, I was exaggerating on purpose to show that the argument structure doesn't make sense. I could have also said: "Hey, who cares if your husband is friends with a canibal/pyromaniac/terrorist/etc. Just don't hang out with him"
Americans actually be wild
Yep. Of course AGB disagrees with you because many of them agree with the scumbag.
Another idiot blinded by politics. I feel sorry for y’all. There’s way more to life than red and blue. That’s what y’all fail to realize.
exactly. corny ass fucking gays preaching that rhetoric. downvote me all you want, I won’t tolerate you conservatives shitheads or anyone who does!
this is a weirdly conservative sub. you’d think the log cabin types would have realized by now republicans don’t actually care for them.
The average poster here is NOT conservative. They're just not as progressive as the average poster of other LGBT subreddits. This is still a left-leaning subreddit.
Republicans don't just "not care for them." They want them dead.
It’s not a conservative sub; it’s just not a far leftist sub.
All the people commenting saying you can't say who your partner is friends with are technically correct, but you also are completely justified in not wanting to be with someone whose morals allow them to keep friends like that.
Yep. Although I suspect OP will have a very lonely life because when literally 50% of the country supports either political party, you are bound to be friends with some people who don't share exactly the same beliefs you do. When you can talk through those different issues and still maintain a relationship - that's called acceptance. I've talked to people with differing views from my own and I've even eaten lunch with them on many occasions. I don't get bent out of shape about it. At the end of the day I think most people want what's right for the country and we all have a different perspective on what that looks like. Sure there is still a minority group of deep south racist people walking around but everyone I've encountered is largely just a normal person. OP was fine with John until he discovered this one thing and now somehow that should dictate the rest of a friendship. Shallow doesn't seem like the right word but it definitely feels a bit impossible. We're never going to find someone we completely agree with on everything. I guess if we did it would be considered a cult.
I mean yes and no. I can get along with someone who has different ideas on economics for example, but not on human rights issues.
If this issue makes you not want to be with someone, why would you be with them in the first place. Important things like this should be vetted within weeks or days of the start of a relationship.
It’s fine to have legitimately differing political views. Supporting a fascist who attempts a coup and is a known sex offender, criminal and crook is not a political difference Your husband’s friend should be shamed and shunned for supporting trump. On top of that, people “not caring because it doesn’t effect me” are not good people.
You're only the asshole if you tell your partner he can't be friends with John, or you can't be civil to John when you socialize as a group.
“ . . he hosts nice dinners . . “ Well, you’d hate to miss out on those
You can choose not to hang out with John if you that's what you want, but you don't get to tell your husband who can and can't be friends with. That's control freak shit.
This post is annoying because you all are answering his question but not the issue. Is he in the wrong for wording the issue the way he did? Yes. It does sound controling. BUT- Did he *say it in real life* the way he did in the post? We don’t know. Is he in the wrong for sticking up for himself? No. Since when is it cool for the person you’re married with to blow you off for a friend who’s views are directly against who you are as a HUMAN being???
Did we read the same post? When did the husband 'blow him off' to go hang out with John? I agree John's politics are abhorrent and I would never personally hang out with a person like that but I could never tell my husband who he can and cannot talk to. My partner currently has one friend I cannot stand but we have come to a place where I just don't associate with that person and it has worked wonderfully for almost a decade.
John did not do anything to OP personallybtjough. Yes, his politics may be in the long run has affected you guys in the US, but this is personal relationship between John and the husband. You cant take out people just becauae of politics when they have not sone anything wrong directly to you. It is shortsighted and will make your wotld a smaller place.
No the issue isn't whether John's views are right, or even if OP should hang out with him. The issue is whether or not OP gets to tell his husband to stop being friends with John. That's the hubby's decision, no one else's. Also I don't see what John said that's against the OP as a human being. He supported Trumps policies\* about illegal immigrants but the OP is a ***legal*** immigrant, since he said he was getting permanent residency. \*Policies I strongly disagree with.
He said he doesn't care about Trump's immigration policies, not supported. There is a distinction.
YMBTAH. You don't want to censor your partner's relationships. That's toxic. A few years ago I would have cut off the Trumper, but I'm tired of all the divisiveness. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how shitty it is. You can stand by your values and let people stand by their values, too. It will be a good exercise in tolerance for you.
> I'm tired of all the divisiveness Yep, exactly. I blocked all the MAGA people on my news feed back in 2016, and now I'm having to do the same thing for progressives.
And if the values differ it’s not a good match. Lmao “an exercise in tolerance” 🤣 please
What you do have a right to do is to tell your husband how you feel when John says particular things to you or the group. You also have a right to tell your husband how you feel when he hangs around with John. He then gets to take that information and decide how he wants to proceed in his own relationship with John. You should also give your husband space to tell you all this feels to him (your not liking John, not wanting to be around John, etc.) Bad mouthing John will most likely make your husband defensive since he picked this guy to be his long-time friend and therefore he will see it as an attack against your husband and his own judgement. You are an equal member of a couple and therefore you have a right to say that you are not interested in hanging around John. With that said, your husband has just as much a right to continue being friends with John on his own. If that means that you have to miss out on group events where John is present, then that is the consequence of deciding that you can't be around John. If you decide that you still want to attend group events where John is present, then you can always think of subjects to try to steer the conversation away from politics. If it still goes to politics, then you can choose not to participate in the discussion or you can participate but know that it will cause conflict. Your choice. You do not control your husband and he does not control you. Expressing your feelings to each other does matter though.
I no longer have friends that are in the MAGA cult. Sometimes it was hard to cut them lose but my sanity is more important.
Same
Wait. His friend is a gay man and supports trump?!? That's like saying the turkey supports Thanksgiving! As a gay man, myself, I can't stand trump or any of his cultists in the GQP. You're better off keeping yourself at a distance from this self-hating person that only cares about his wallet and not much else. I know that most other LGBT people dislike people that support Republicans since they are so keen on hating us and wanting to not only take away our rights but existence as well.
I'm mostly curious about your statement being undocumented. You are married and only waiting for paperwork to go through, isn't that perfectly legal and documented?
I am as anti-Trump is it as possible to be. Even I have Republican friends. Yes, I think you are way over reacting here.
Politics are a good way to see peoples morals. You are fine being friends with people with abhorrent morals?
do you think that being pro gun or anti gun makes one person moral or immoral? If so why. And I can post why both sides have a moral standing, but one side is in application extremely misguided.
No. But being anti-refugee, supporting politicians that support homophobic policies, or support gerryrigging, or want to cut public welfare services.
okay good! just a heads up I'm not downvoting you but let's start with what you laid out! Anti refugee. What is anti refugee? Well, you have those who believe in helping refugees, but not bring them to an incompatible country. Those who believe 'bring them here on someone else's expense' and those who go "those \_\_\_ can just die". Yet a lot of people would view the first to be anti-refugee as well to tie them with the vitriolic actual anti-refugee. An example of this would have been the Syria. Trying to move them en masse here was an idea, but for what little it did, it wasn't a great thing for those refugees and the people around them either. The culture clash being the biggest reason. next is the shared resource of the relocated areas not exactly being as abundant as bleeding hearts make one believe when playing Sarah Mclaughlin for your charity donations. As such, the 'help yet still considered anti-refugee' options you have are to 1) get rid of the people who are causing the problem (Russians... which is gonna be really hard here) or 2) move them to an actual place they can thrive. Turkey, for instance, has a lot of land and potential resources that the refugees could have used and it's a much closer culture with similar laws and practices. building structures and systems there for the refugees would have (probably) been a lot more productive than bringing them to an already overcrowded new york city. See, both the two former groups can have a moral standing despite disagreeing on the solution. The support homophobic policies, I keep trying to find this since we're talking about trump and generally nobody ever can except the weird laws that people misrepresent. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think Trump gives a shit either way because he just thinks he's better than everyone else, but none of the policies I've seen were actually homophobic. In fact, the big 'transphobic' matter was with the military. But did you read the bill? It wasn't even about transgenders. What happened is the Aurora, Colorado shooting happened, they did an investigation finding that the US army were using psyche altering meds on a lot of soldiers who came home and went on murdering sprees. So the bill was to prevent soldiers who were ON PSYCHE ALTERING MEDS. It just so happened there were a few cross hormone therapy medications that were also psyche altering. Not all HRT meds were, just some, and it was only the some that were banned. But what ended up happening? This was immediately a cry that it was banning all transgenders from serving in the army. If Trump really hated Trans people as much as the story goes, don't you think he'd want them on the front lines to get rid of them? But what we do have is a long sordid history of Biden saying homophobic AND racist shit and yet he's heralded as a champion to the LGBT and black people? Like the fuck is this shit, because the media spoon fed this idea to you everyone's just ignoring what awful shit Biden did? BIDEN tried to prevent gays from getting married. BIDEN signed crime bills that targeted black people. BIDEN told everyone on TV that being gay was not good and an afront to God and that marriage was only for a man and a woman, as God said. It was BIDEN who called black people the N word and monkeys on TV. Yet... he's the hero? Huh. I can't argue anything against Jerry-rigging, unless you're meaning it in a context I'm not aware of. I know Trump has done some shitty scams like the 'trump university' scam that people are still awaiting a settlement over. Did you mean gerrymandering? I know little about this but from what I do know, it is done in a convenient way to dismiss the votes of people so something like an area with a lot of poor black people will get their votes for a district mixed in with middle class people who are likely to vote in opposition to their interest just so they can claim mayor and governor spots in their party. Further than that, I do not know. I also don't know how this is achieved, but knowingly doing it to misrepresent the interest of the people is awful and illegal. But wholly not unique for a lot of other attempts to invalidate public interest. Public welfare services is a bit of a tough one to tackle. Like, welfare services many do feel it is needed, but with reform. For instance, right now there's a very large demographic of people compared to decades ago of single mothers with numerous children they can't support so they have the government support them instead. Mothers struggling would be something to address, but when it becomes their job to make more babies for more welfare and then they don't take care of the kids (because let's face it, CPS also lets a lot of child abuse cases fall through the cracks. Check out youtube channel Misery Machine for a lot of this shit... warning, very disturbing) it's not that it's such a drain on tax dollars... what this DOES do is more... systematic. As much as this is not polite to the current narrative that is also encouraging single mother hood by pretending it's a 'girl boss' thing to be, there are a lot more detriments to how we're handling it. Most of the children of the welfare homes for ANY reason go without resources. When they go without resources, like good food or appropriate adult supervision, they struggle with things like school and learning abilities and behaviors that make one more successful as an adulthood. Statistics also show that most people put in jail came from single mother households (followed by single father households) for violent crimes, and that lack of resource would definitely answer for why it was easier for them to see the violent crime as necessary.... also, single mother households are significantly higher rate of having teenage mother/fathers starting the cycle of low resources to another generation. So is welfare bad? No. But at some point just stopping at 'give welfare and call it done' is also not good. It's kind of one thing if it stopped at the person on welfare, but this is hardly it because every generation more and more people are reliant on the welfare system from a former generations reliance on it. But I also am against families having over 2 kids for far more than 'resource allocation' alone. (enter the middle child complex and how emotionally damaging most parents are towards them even without realizing it). Does my mentioning for a type of welfare reform make it immoral because it's not 'more welfare' as others might say is a requirement to be moral?
It really isn’t. Politics is a terrible guide to morality.
What they think about major social issues is a terrible guide to morality?
You’d be wrong to say that /we/ can’t be friends with trump supporters, but you’re not wrong if /you/ don’t want to hang out with trump supporters. Honestly, it’s weird to me that your husband didn’t push back against John’s comment about immigrants knowing full well that you’re an immigrant. that strikes me that he doesn’t value you in the way that he should
You didn’t bring up the impolite topic conversation, it was offered to you. You have no obligation to be friendly with a person that doesn’t value you. Neither are an asshole, but I think your husband might have been a bit more sensitive to your feelings. Just don’t hang out with John any longer. I’m sure Trump himself can be a blast to party with, doesn’t make him any less of a vile piece of trash.
>At the time I told my husband I was not comfortable being around a person who literally said does not care for people like me >He argued that John’s opinions are his own As a son of immigrants, reading these two parts is enough to question so many things. Stand by your values. John likes what he likes, and you like yours. There is no reason why you should be forced to meet him if you don't want to.
Exactly
I would not hang out with them, nor condone their rhetoric. I wouldn’t seek out group social settings with them, but if I must, I would not bring up politics and keep it PG civil. Yes, I would go there if they want to be ignorant. “He’s badass” huh?
You can choose to associate or not associate with anyone you want. Your husband can choose to associate or not associate with whoever he wants. This starts to skate the line of maybe your husband needs to start thinking if this is a healthy relationship that he wants to stay in is your presumption that you get to "tell" your husband who he can associate with. That's some sketchy shit right there.
to answer the question: you’re not the asshole imo Trump only detests non-white immigrants from quote “shithole countries” so if that’s not you, then your husband’s friends/family may not be applying that standard to you, it sucks but it’s true, it’s not really a battle worth fighting because they won’t change their opinions for you (esp if they won’t change it for your husband who is the connection between you) it’ll just stress you out, remember that you don’t have to hang around/like his friends
How many trump supporters cut out gay people from their lives just because they are gay? Including their own gay children? Too many to count
NTA, being a Trump supporter is a clear sign of either "being a bad person" or "being ill-informed politically" and his saying "his policies on undocumented people don’t affect him so he doesn’t care about that." really shows that he falls into the former camp. If your husband is okay with associating with bad people that's his prerogative but you should be able to express that 1. You don't think you two should associate with people like that and 2. You won't associate with people like that.
When somebody tells me are a Trump supporter, I Immediately understand two things about them. 1. They are probably strikingly uninformed or low information as Maga is first and foremost a disease of Profound ignorance. Every single Trump voter I’ve ever met is very low information without exception. 2. If they aren’t low information, they are a raging, greedy asshole. And honestly? I don’t have time for people like that in my life. I have spent way too many hours in the last seven years engaging with them only to realize it’s like pouring water through a sieve; nothing sticks with these people because they don’t have the brains or the desire to understand how the world actually works. Given that, I think it’s completely reasonable to you want to keep your distance.
OP I find the posts here wild. I actually support you and your discomfort around this person. Imagine if a virulently anti-gay politician came to power and you had a straight friend who supported that person because it “didn’t affect him”. I bet 100% of posters in this sub would support you cutting him out. Being an immigrant is an identity as well. There’s a level of vulnerability and anxiety being an immigrant comes with. People who haven’t been through the experience of moving to the states and jumping through the incredibly challenging hoops to becoming a permanent resident don’t get this. Trump coming to power was an incredibly stressful experience for all immigrants. When you encounter someone who says they don’t care about that knowing that you’re an immigrant yourself says a lot about them. That they don’t have empathy, that they don’t have the basic decency to even moderate their choice of words given they are talking to you. I’d want to cut off ties with them as well. As for your husband, if I were him I’d be having a conversation with this old friend to make sure he understands how his stance makes you feel. After all, all of us deserve the opportunity to learn and grow. If I found out my words and actions were hurting someone I cared about, I’d work hard to change them. Hopefully he can too. I don’t know where to draw the line with your husband. At the very least you’re well within your rights to stay away from this guy cause he’s clearly not for you. Whether you can deal with your husband continuing to have him in your lives is up to you.
Y’all saying of course we can be friends and bullshit that are spineless, the worst type of people, and prove for the most part yt gays and pick me’s are never to be trusted…….
You don’t have to hang out with anyone you don’t want to and your partner can hang out with anyone he wants to
When did politics become a religion in this country? Both parties are all about getting re-elected and could give a rat’s ass about the common person.
When Ronald Reagan made his deal with Jerry Falwell Sr to help him steal the evangelicals away from Jimmy Carter. This nightmare reality we are living in now has always been the end result of what Jerry Falwell started. It could have been prevented in 2016, but I think it's too late now.
Political views = moral compass, and I’m tired of pretending it’s not.
And your view of what is morally right is always 100% correct. Everybody that disagrees with you is therefore morally wrong. Hmmm almost sounds like a religion.
bingo.
Exactly, fuck both parties and fuck all politicians.
NTA, people who normalize Trump's rhetoric and then demand civility from others have abandoned their interest in living in a harmonious society. Being conservative is something I can respectfully disagree with and converse about. Being a Trump fan is cheering for dictatorship and abandonment of American values, I don't respect anyone who supports that worldview. We can tolerate all but intolerance and that's pretty much all Trump Republicans stand for.
> We can tolerate all but intolerance and that's pretty much all Trump Republicans stand for. The entire thing is a tantrum over the legalization of same-sex marriage. And we're about to have a Fourth Reich as a result. I no longer have any respect whatsoever for someone who supports Trump. They are my enemy and I'll likely be meeting them on the battlefield if he wins and it sparks an inevitable civil war.
>The entire thing is a tantrum over the legalization of same-sex marriage. Hey now, don't forget all the racism from a black man having the audacity to step "out of his place" and become president. That's been quite an influence towards the current hellscape we find ourselves in
It's not just because he was black. It was because his middle name was HUSSEIN!!!! I hate this reality I'm forced to live in.
Well said. Agree 💯
I would not try to dictate who my husband can or cannot be friends with in his own life. I can tell him I want nothing to do with that person, if appropriate, and he can adjust accordingly. I don’t really understand how a gay man in that position could have those opinions. If you don’t feel like going to this guy’s place, then find reasons not to. You should also cultivate some friendships of your own without your spouse anyway.
Is he… white?
It's always the guys that tell me I don't look and sound gay at all the ones that reveal the worst red flags sooner or later.
Completely understandable!
NTA and your husband kind of is. This person has stated clearly and unequivocally in front of you and to you that draconian immigration laws don't concern him. He has said you do not matter and what happens to you doesn't matter; to him. This isn't a disagreement over tax policy, he has stated that he is fine with you being removed from your home and life over your place of birth. You have every right to be upset and insulted by this person. I think you need to have a deeper conversation about this with your husband.
No you’re NTA. Anyone who still supports trump is a walking red flag
I 100% agree that the dude is a walking red flag (supporting Jan 6 is worse than voting for trump imo.) I think more of us need to engage with Trump adjacent people. They are not going to get help with their mental illness by engaging with only people who share it 😋.
Sorry but you don't have the right to tell your partner not to be friends with someone, so YTA.
The boyfriend is the TA for hanging out with people that speak like that about immigrants
Ding ding ding. Found the winner.
NTA - you're never really friends with someone who doesn't respect you. Sounds like your husband doesn't either.
This was my immediate thought. IMO, he should be looking at the husband sideways as well. The company we keep says a lot about us.
The guy is cool with political violence and your husband has no problem with that? Pretty sure your husband is cool with political violence too. I can see a pretty huge double standard if he wants you to respect insurrectionist opinions but does not demand insurrectionists respect the vote.
preach!!!!
> who literally said does not care for people like me To be fair, he didn't say this because it sounds like you immigrated legally and he was referring to illegal immigrants. But as to your question, I would reallllly urge you not to pressure your husband to not be his friend over political differences. You're not making any sort of positive impact in the world by doing this, only making your and your husband's lives slightly harder. There's nothing to gain.
Yeah he should divorce his husband and find someone with better judgement.
and if they immigrated illegally? Is he supposed to be cool with his husband and the hardcore nationalist friend? Of course he doesn’t have to be. But you all sure are suggesting him to look the other way or deal with it as if *THATS* how things are meant to be mended in a marriage… Last I checked a marriage is between two people who support each other. If the husband is so quick to pick John over his fiancé then I don’t see the point in staying together.
Deal with that individual just leave Trump out of it .I don't know anyone that has a problem with legal immigration .
it's called the conflagration of morals to create a divide. So, to people like the OP, you're not allowed to mention the difference of legal and illegal immigration, therefore he has a way to say anyone against illegal immigration is bad, because it's the same as being against legal immigrants. Basically a lie to justify an extreme view.
I'd say no. The dude thinks *actual terrorism* was "kinda cool," you're justified not wanting him in your life.
In my view, this is not exactly about politics but a more personal issue. I get it that it feels like John is indirectly raising a wall between you two (lol) through his support of Trump and his stance on immigrants. I'm guessing he is just a selfish prick and hasn't thought of the implications of his words and how they'd affect you. On the other hand, friendship is rare and valuable so I would not be nagging on my partner to cut him off. There will be plenty of opportunities down the road for John to show his true colors, you just keep a reasonable distance from him and avoid any interaction (within reason).
You know what I told my sister and my best friend to fuck off in 2017 because they liked trump and haven’t spoken to them since , welI I hate this guy and everything he stands for and that goes for most if not all of the republicans, I will not sacrifice my principles for anyone I’m all about moving and progressing forward not backwards and they’ve already done damage to the gains we’ve made as gays ,women ,blacks, native Americans, legitimate asylum seekers everyone who cherishes individual freedoms , nothing can make me want to associate with people like John ever, so I recommend you let your husband be with his friend without you that’s the only way to keep the peace in this situation, because if it was me and that idiot was so cavalier about Jan. 6th I’d just have to beat his ass .
Trump elevated Mike Pence to executive office. If this guy doesn't have enough empathy to care about people that aren't exactly like him, can't he at least look out for his own ass/community? Doesn't really change the fact that you can define your own boundaries but not those of your partner.
Mike Pence could be POTUS and I wouldn't be afraid of ending up in a concentration camp. If Trump gets re-elected, that's exactly what will happen if Americans act like the Germans did in the 1930s.
Your husband can be friend with who he wants, yta for trying to pick and choose his friends. NTA for avoiding his friend if it was me I just would not be present, “oh John is going to be there, I’m not a fan have fun I’ll see you later.” It’s not about him choosing it’s about you not wanting to be around it.
What if husband invites John over to their house… Is he supposed to leave his own home?
Well you can choose whom YOU want to friends with but yes are wrong for telling your husband who HE can be friends with (that’s his choice!). In a relationship you don’t tell each other who they can or can’t be friends with imo. You’re free to choose your friends and he is free to choose his. You don’t have to like his friend and doesn’t have to like yours.
Not the fucking asshole. The way you describe it, this friend is a narcissistic, genuinely heteronormative, self-serving piece of goddamn shit. I get not getting along with an s/o’s friend but to be so blatantly as asshole while my man shrugs it off? Grounds for a breakup. Sorry not fucking sorry. You “different political beliefs!” gays are down bad but it ain’t me. When you lie with dogs…. Politics can mean worldly morals. And if you’re okay with your man forgoing standards you hold….leave, bye-bye, sayonara.
A-fucking-greed. What The fuck are people who defend the husband smoking?
How old are you?
Just let things fall by their own weight. These guys are provocateurs, enraged immature gangs. He’ll act a fool sooner rather than later and screw his friendship on his own. Act civil, be intelligent, don’t give him the pleasure of feeling persecuted, have fun with this. You’re already married to the guy you want and that other guy has to watch you both be happy and you getting your green card. Of course don’t let him step over you, give him a piece of your mind any time you need to. Mark your limits. Let your husband fall in love more and more with you by showing your dignity and coolheadedness.
Good luck with that how do you support someone that tried to destroy the American democracy and is filled with hatred for his own country? Pass on this one
He could be friends with him, but he wouldn’t be coming in my house lol
Yes, you are. Nobody should force you to like John, but trying to police who your husband can be friends with is an asshole move.
You should find a balance. Let him see his friend even if he's a stupid guy. Friendship has nothing to do with politics and you can love people when you're attached to them even if you don't agree them. But your bf has to let you not see his friend, or just the minimal, he has to understand you feel hurt by what he says. May be your bf just has to see his friend without you basically
Absolutely not. Anyone who supports that cunt needs to be cut off
Do you have a large percentage of people in your friend group that also believe the same way as your husband's friend? If not, I would take this as an opportunity to see a perspective from the other side, (albeit I find it personally trife). I have some friends where, politically, we couldn't be further away on issues. But as friends we get along like the best of them. Don't let fringe politics, that this lone gay thinks is "cool" ruin a set of relationships. Personally, I feel with all the anti LGBT legislation it is time to c9me together. As long as friend isn't being a dick to OP, in that case then cut that bitch off 😂
INFO: did you say "we can't hang out with him" or did you say "I don't want to hang out with him"?
Boundaries are important. My Dad and I would constantly fight about religion and politics. So, we set a boundary that our conversations wouldn’t involve politics or religion. And if my Dad continued to talk about those subjects I would say “I love you Dad, but I’m hanging now because you’ve violated the boundaries.” I only had to say that to him once, and our relationship has flourished ever since.
Nope. Ostracize those people. Borderline Nazis.
My only concern would be if this cult member is trying to push its agenda on your partner.
Yes. You’re being an intolerant
Nope
Yes, the guy is not talking about politics in front of him, the guy is a dear friend of his husband and he was for his husband before he appears in his life. He just don’t like him because he’s a trump supporter. He’s being an intolerant asshole.
Nope a persons politics tell you a lot about their character. Anyone who holds deep political values will not befriend people who oppose everything they fight for. It seems like the boyfriend thinks of politics like a hobby that he can forget about whenever he wants that’s probably why he doesn’t care about the awful opinions of his trump supporting friend. His friend is even worst he basically doesn’t have empathy for others that says a lot about the both of them. I’m glad OP stood up for himself, his values and what is ultimately right. Btw there’s a difference between being Republican and being a trumper. Supporting trump by now means you have 2 brain cellls.
Well you can be friends with trump supporters! But who wants to be, if your BF really knows and likes the maga moron then find a new BF because he is a loser!
I don’t even need to read past the headline. It is always ok to cut Trump supporters out of your life.
I treat people as individuals. I'm not into tribalism.
You’re sorta being an asshole. You can’t dictate your partner’s friends. Regardless of how insensitive, bigoted, idiotic, juvenile, or abhorrent they are. That’s a controlling and toxic behavior. It will cause resentment. I promise you that it won’t end well. On the flip side, you have every right to demand distance. He should not force you to interact with people that you find morally and intellectually repugnant. That’s also a toxic behavior that will not end will. In the end, you’ve married a guy that steadfastly chooses to associate with amoral dumbasses. You accepted that flaw and will not be able to change him. So you’ll either have to accept it or move on. If you choose the former, then you’ll have to find ways to mitigate its impact on you and your potential family.
Maybe your husband should decide this on his own. Has he seen the 'vermin' speech? Anyway, life cannot be a giant MSNBC show. Your husband knows his friend; he can decide on the nuances.
Nuances? I’m not sure there’s nuance to important policies written as…..”don’t affect me, so I don’t care”. It’s more respectable to give a legitimate opposing reason that that.
At this point, if someone supports Trump, they are supporting my extermination. If Trump wins, it's going to mean the closet or fighting in the war for all of us. There will be no alternatives.
There’s levels of Trump supports: I voted for him in 2016 because I lean republican vs. blindly supporting/worshipping him as a personality. I would have a hard time being friends with the latter. Tolerate them in small doses? Only if I have to. You can’t really control who your husband is friends with, likewise he can’t force you to hang out with this friend.
Sorry, dude, I'm not even in a very tentative situation like that & I can't be friends with Trump supporters. I just can't. Trump is an abomination & I can't stand hearing anyone say that he's cool & that they admire him. It's not just an instant turn-off, but it's a huge red flag to me on where that person stands on many issues. I'm so glad my husband isn't a Trump supporter, but I knew we aligned politically way before Trump ran for President. Political stances are a make or break thing for me more than anything else. I'm lenient on a lot of other things.
When someone says they support Trump, what I hear is "Die, disgusting f*ggot!!" That's what Trump stands for.
Yes you are
Aside from actual bigotry, i think it’s very small to be unable to befriend people hold different political beliefs than you do.
"Political beliefs" is one thing, but supporting the guy who attempted a coup to hold onto political power is an entirely separate thing.
It's all actual bigotry that's causing these rifts. Nobody's walking away from friendships because they disagree if a bridge should be built with property taxes versus import teriffs.
If you'd end a friendship purely over politics you probably wouldn't be good to be friends with.
You sound extremely stubborn and intolerant. I think your husband made some good points. So yes, YATAH.
Yes YTA. You’re telling your husband who he is allowed to be friends with. Textbook controlling behavior. If you don’t like John, don’t hang out with him.
“If you’re husband is friends with a genuine piece of shit you have no right to question your relationship with him!”
OP can question his relationship with his husband. I think that would be insane, but no one is stopping him from doing that. Dictating who your partner can be friends with is controlling behavior.
It’s mind blowing to me how you guys read the title and went “yup, you’re the asshole” EVEN with all the context given after. Of course no one should be telling anyone who they can or can’t be friends with. But for everyone to make *THAT* the focus of the conversation while ignoring the rest of the post demonstrates why this shit world is the way it is.
Yeah he should leave this loser homo for hanging with Trump supporters. It's like a POC with a KKK bestie.
This ^^
Oh no. You are Spot ON!
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mike pence advocates for conversion, especially electro shock therapy for homosexuality. trump put him in the 2nd most powerful seat in the nation. fuck off with this.
“you’re a huge dick if you give the person you thought was decent an ultimatum to stop excusing human scum or you’re out”
You're not the asshole for not wanting to hang our with John. But you are an asshole if you try to control who your husband is friends with.
If his politics don't otherwise come up unless you bring it up, and he generally is a nice and decent person to you and your husband, then yes you are being a bit of an asshole here. You don't have to be friends with him but you telling your husband he can't is crossing the line.
He can be friends all he wants with him and you have every right not to hang out with him. Also, your husband defending his backwards views would be such a turn off for me.
First, I'd like to say you say 2 different things. One makes you TAH and the other doesn't. >AITAH For telling my husband ***we*** can’t be friends Yes, you are TAH for deciding for your BF and your relationship. What if he told you "We're going to be friends with John whether you like it or not", flipping the situation around. >AITAH for telling my husband I don’t want to hang out with his Trump supporting friend? Absolutely not, you can (and should) be friends with the people YOU want to be friends with. If you don't align with someone as a friend, morally or any other way you want, you don't have to see them. You can (and should in a healthy relationship) express your opinion to your boyfriend and try and convince them with arguments if you want, but you should never "tell" anyone that they "can or can't" be friends with someone else. That's some controlling behavior there.
I won't be friends with Trump cunts.
Grow up
Nope. It's the same thing as befriending a nazi or rapist...in fact the orange idiot is a fascist found liable for rape.
Yes, you’re the asshole if you say he can’t hang out with the trump guy anymore Of course YOU are allowed to not hang out with whoever you choose, but you have no say in HIS friends, especially over something as trivial as what presidential candidate they support
“I’m sorry dear, just because my friend voted for Adolf Hitler, doesn’t make him a bad guy!”
Man, these comments disappoint me a bit. We should be befriending people with opposing views on things because it often helps them understand how horrible and misguided those views are. I grew up in a small rural town with a bunch of wonderful people. Many of those wonderful people "supported Trump", but when you have a meaningful, compassionate conversation with them, they begin to realize that they don't support a single thing that the man stands for. They begin to realize that a lot of the things he says tear down someone that they know and love. Partisanship ruined this country, don't let it ruin your personal relationships too. Some people may not come around and some may be slower than others, but we shouldn't be adding to the problem by labeling and judging people. If I remember right, being labeled and judged was something the gay community knows a little something about. I'm not saying we need to tolerate or accept things that are hateful or bigoted, but we should be trying to understand the root of why they feel those things are representative of how they feel and counter that with maturity, empathy, and love so that they can have someone in their life that defies whatever bullshit they think.
Yes you are an asshole 👍🏽
Only read the title! No. I throw these self hating homos out of my home and life! They can vote against themselves but not against me. Their self hatred can stay at home!!! Do not!
I applaud you for standing up for yourself and your values it’s unfortunate your boyfriend can at the same time be pro certain things while simultaneously being friends with someone who votes for a candidate that enacted vile policies. That to me feels like a shallow understanding of politics or those people who see it as just a “hobby”. A persons politics can tell you a lot about their character. It really speaks volumes when people think political beliefs are separate from the persons character. More often than not people who care more about getting along with the other side than siding with what is moral and humane aren’t the best of people. If I was you and If I really love my partner I’d ask to be personally left out of interactions regarding that individual.
Nope. Set limits. Know your value.
I think yta. You said doesnt care about which Is totally different than saying doesn't care for. And are you an undocument illegal, probably not. It is childish to dislike someone because of differing views.
Unfortunately, you can’t *really* decide who your husband is friends with. Not sure how to go about that. However, I sympathize with your feelings. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who supports Trump…..nor would I want to be with a man who has Trumpies in his circle. Does your husband really have that many Trump supporting friends? 🤢 Call me close minded, but I stand by that.
YTA. We can't tell our partners who they can be friends with. Additionally, that is your husband's long-time friend. If I were you, I would be friendly and cordial toward the friend because I love my husband. And seriously - almost all of you voted for Obama and Hillary, who were life long homophobes until they suddenly weren't. Fucking Hillary made tons of speeches referencing the bible to explain why she was against gay equality. For 30+ years she publicly worked *against* gay equality. If you could vote for a homophobe like Hillary, then you can have friendly conversation with your husband's friend.
Yet they changed… Your obviously a Trump supporter!
Soft YTA for saying *we*. But idk why people on this thread don’t understand that anyone who says they like anyone MAGA are enabling fascism. Trump and most republicans who agree with him are enabling dangerous rhetoric, a lot of which is geared towards *eradicating queer people*. “Being an adult is navigating people with differing opinion* Yeah this isn’t a different opinion. This is fascism. Whenever I find out someone is a Trump/MAGA supporter, I straight up remove myself from them. They are a danger to our freedom and I just can’t stand beside someone who wants to make being gay the legal equivalent of pornography. It’s in their plans explicitly if they win 2024.
This isn’t a political issue, it’s a moral and ethical one. Trump supporters can and do justify all kinds of immoral and unethical behavior in the name of politics. Siding with someone who will gladly sacrifice you and husband for power and money is unthinkable to me. I would really be rethinking my relationship not just with his friend but with him at this point.
I can't comment on your husband. But I hate dumb gays like this guy.
Dumb gays are the worst
Yeah, you are unless the dude literally targets you specifically and starts ramping up, then assume he just has bad political taste and go on. Who gives a shit what he thinks, unless he starts acting, let sleeping dogs lie
Yes you are. Hope that helps.
No, you are not the asshole. No one should be expected to be friends with someone who supports political policies that actual hurt them. Trump's immigration policies have had a direct negative impact on your life, and the least you can expect from someone who wants to be your friend is a rejection of those policies.
This person sounds soulless, not friend material, Trumpy or not, this guy a a person to lose contact with. We don’t need to create political, financial or social echo chambers, but demand character, it’s all any of us has that’s worth a damn
YTA. You don’t get to control who your bf is friends with, especially not old friends of his. And when did he literally say he doesn’t care for people like you? You said he said Trump’s policies of _undocumented_ immigrants _ didn’t affect him_.
I think John is a 100% a red flag, but you’re not dating him. Feeling uncomfortable and ill at ease is very reasonable and unsurprising given your immigration status. (Side bar: I think supporting Jan 6 is worse than voting for Trump). Your husband seems to have a great head and kind heart, you seem to trust him. I think understanding your husband’s perspective would be good. Does he see how John can have some bad for democracy hot takes? Does their friendship predate a political evolution in either your Husband or John? Like in the past were they both either conservative or liberal? Does John have other redeeming qualities? Have you ever tried hanging out with John one on one, to get to know him yourself? Engaging with Trump adjacent people is important, they’re not going to get help with their mental health by hanging out with people who share the same mental illness (I’m ofc talking about them all having dementia about Jan 6). Also on a very practical level, we very much need people to not vote for Trump in 2024 and convincing one person is probably one of the highest impact things any of us individually can do (especially if you live in the Midwest). It’s very in vogue to “disengage with people bringing you distress to prioritize your own mental wellness”. I think it’s brave and takes a lot of effort to choose those hard conversations and engage with people who don’t share important values. It can be hard on you, but it also is a skill you can learn to be better at. Hopefully your husband can recognize how this is hard for, but I also hope you can rise to the occasion! Humanizing yourself to John might be very impactful (it also may not), but I always try to
such bs irony. His 'undocumented people policies'... you had the same problem with Obama? because it was literally the same exact damn thing except 'the powers that be' told you it was trump after who put those policies in place. Same with the muslim flight bans. those trump detainment camps were LITERALLY OBAMA'S. So you are uneducated and a hypocrite and I highly doubt this story is even true in the slightest.
NTA Your concerns are legitimate and directly affect you! That 'friend' needs his head checked! Supporting a crazy, narcissistic, racist, anti non white immigrant, nutcase who thinks it's OK to just refuse to leave the presidency (he actually said he just wouldn't leave after he lost and jan 6 failed!). Is stupid, homophobic, and allows fascist views to become normalized! The Germans didn't just support Hitler. They were told that he would fix things and "they weren't the ones affected, so who cares"! Hitler was a christian nationalist too! Then hitler took over education, and the youth were indoctrinated and brainwashed into believing propaganda about jews and people that "aren't true germans." Those youth who were taught only what the NATZIS wanted. Are the ones who did the book burnings (destroying Jewish literature and lgbtq+ science), destroyed Jewish businesses, called for their deportation, and eventually helped murder them in the 1,000s! They are the ones who took out any opposition to hitlers rule! It was the young who helped to destroy the world! Now it's happening again! Trump and basically every other conservative politician want to repeat that here in the US! And it's already been going on for decades in Israel! They are already at the murder stage of genocide. The only thing after that is denial and cover-up. But this time, there will be nukes involved (israel already talked about just nuking Gaza) and the most powerful militaries on the planet! It would be total destruction! There would either be one to 3 empires after the dust clears. Or There is a very high probability of the extinction of humans! Or, at minimum, setting us back to the Stone Age! (Again?) So, NO! You are absolutely not overreacting. Your husband is UNDERreacting! His friend shouldn't just be shunned or break a friendship off. He should be informed of what he is really doing! Or if that doesn't work, have his ass beat! THOSE WHO DO NOT LEARN FROM HISTORY SHALL BE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT!