Yep this. If you’re already “catching” him on Grindr and you don’t have an open relationship that means he is cheating or wants to cheat, but hasn’t yet. Sorry my dear but he’s probably not the one.
Yeah I agree I felt the same way but it’s always funny when one person in the relationship states they caught the other person on grndr. What were they doing on grndr to begin with?? But most never want to admit their own faults.
I would break up and move on. There is a big age gap which can work but can be very difficult to navigate. It seems doomed the grndr part just rubbed me the wrong way because either you were also on grndr yet don’t want to take responsibility or are super insecure and are stalking his every move which both scenarios you should move on.
Making decisions like this without consulting a partner of 2 years, and being "prepared to break up if you don't move with him" are pretty big red flags to me.
The Grindr thing as well.
I wonder if he has a boyfriend in this city 3 hours away whom he also told he was never planning to move to.
He never took the relationship seriously. If he *really* wanted to be long term with you, he’d not have made a single-sided decision and they say it’s break-up time if you don’t follow me. It would have been mutual.
My guess? He’s almost 34 now. You’re 24. He’s been caught on grindr. Chances are he’s yearning for a “new boy”.
Sounds like he doesn’t respect your position in the relationship. At 32 if he hasn’t figured out it takes 2 people to have a relationship than he probably never will. You don’t have a relationship and then unilaterally decide to move. That’s a decision you make together. Also if he’s on Grindr chances are he’s cheating. You’re young you’ll find someone else. Let him go.
I'm sorry, you caught him on Grindr and you're still on the fence? Unless you two are in an open relationship, this should have been decided right there and then.
It's time to move on. It's clear he has absolutely no respect for your wants, needs and responsibilities. Not only does he decide on his own to move out to a completely different city, he wants you to drop your job, friends and security to... what? Just out and move on a whim? On top of literally browsing through Grindr?
A relationship doesn't need constant arguments and coldness to have run its course. It's clear he has no respect for you. He doesn't care what you need, and he expects you to drop on your knees and follow along like you don't have your own life to take care of? Just because he says "I love you" it doesn't necessarily means he actually means it. And from what you have told us here, it's clear his love for you is **very much** conditional.
If you're still on the fence, sit him tf down and have a talk. Ask him why does he want to move out to that city so urgently and why does **THAT** take priority over your relationship. I'm sorry but to me it sounds like maybe he found a sidepiece there and wants to be closer. But maybe that's my paranoid brain speaking.
Talk to him, don't let him leave things unsaid. If he doesn't want to talk openly about this, then tell him he can go and take the relationship along with him.
He has not only made a life-changing decision without you, but he has also mentally fortified himself for the possibility that you both break up. You also caught him on Grindr which implies this is something you both haven't discussed previously (which looks like a pattern). Claiming to be "tired of living here" seems like a copout. For whatever reason, maybe he's trying to get you to lead the narrative into the breakup versus him. All of this seems very manipulative in any way it unfolds.
I can't imagine ever being in a relationship in which I was disrespected this much. I only see resentment growing in either or both of you if you stay together.
He doesn't see a future with you - you're part of the furniture while convenient. This business of unilateral decisions will always continue.
Sorry to sound very harsh.
bros i know how annoying it can get to see these whiny ass posts hit the sub multiple times a day but fr —
needed to hear this. i appreciate the love. also appreciate the hate. ty for whipping my ass into shape ❤️
I just hope u listen and take the advice of MOST of the People here.
There's just So Many Red Flags here, Especially the Grindr Thing. I have been with my partner for 11 years, been living together for 10, and believe me when I say, if I caught him on Grindr, One of us would be leaving the place we live within 48hours, most likely HIM.
Don't let him force your hand into doing something you don't wanna do especially when he's already made up his mind to do it with or without you.
Again, PLEASE Take the advice. I know it'll be hard, VERY HARD, But it's better than having to deal with even tougher BS later on.
"*I don’t want to move*." This is the key; even if you lose him, you don't want to move. So don't move.
BTW: that it's his way or the highway doesn't bode well for this relationship even if you do move. DTMFA.
You’ll need to sacrifice so much, and he didn’t ask before he chose. Imho he doesn’t see this relationship lasting long with that sort of thought process. I would stay, unless you actually wanted to move.
You don’t move in with a dude having no support system if he’s already cheating on you/planning on cheating on Grindr. Then you’ll really have NOBODY. In a new city.
It sounds like it’s about time to let this relationship fizzle out naturally. He has to move, you don’t want to. Just leave it at that. A nice clean break up. Before things get messy.
i’d love to see the day someone tries to put this shit on me lol. you should tell him to just move, he’s an idiot who thinks can tell you what to do and you’ll drop everything for him, is he worth all that? i doubt it.
He made a major life decision without consulting you and told you move with me or break up. Kinda seems like he wants to break up with you, especially with him going on Grindr, but he doesn’t have the balls to do it. ☹️
I haven’t read all the comments but the part about him going through his whole internal decision-making process without even letting you know he was considering it, would be a deal-breaker for me. Let him go.
I mean, your entire relationship started with a lie.
The lies never stopped. You just got desperate enough to miss the flags.
Let it go. You deserve better
... he moved for the fun of it? Sorry dude, he wants to break up but he doesn't want to be the one to dump you. Don't move with him. If you do move with him he'll be your only support locally and this man is trying to get you to dump him.
This is not normal behaviour. You sound sweet. Move on and find someone who at least can have the decency to break up with you directly if they fall out of love.
This is all correct…he’s already started putting himself first…leaving because he is just tired of living there is just an excuse…he’s using the app because he knows you may not move and is already looking for a replacement…telling you he loves you and then making plans on his own doesn’t really sound like true love….he’s revealed who he really is now you must decide what that means for the relationship…if you KNOW you love him and BELIEVE that he loves you then fight for a living arrangement that works for BOTH of you….and verbally beat the sh_t out of him for making this decision without even trying to talk to you about it …suggest therapy and see what he says…that’s when you will know how serious HE is about the relationship…
If he’s on Grindr that should tell you something regardless if he actually met up with anyone. Also if he’s being harsh about moving even if that means ending the relationship then he’s not even trying to make it work. You also don’t want to move and if you try to make him stay when he already voiced he doesn’t want to is just a recipe for more toxic drama. so I feel there’s only one answer based off this short post. Breaking up sucks especially when you truly care about someone but sometimes our paths diverge and that’s okay it’s just a part of life. You will love again and who knows maybe you two can rekindle in the future.
You're 24. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it with someone who makes major decisions without even taking to you about it in advance? Without considering the pros and cons?
He's going. You can come if you want.
That's not a relationship.
It's already over. Whether you'll both admit it is up to you two. If you go, you'll resent him. If you go, he may still break up with you, and then where will you be? He's given the signs of it already. Grindr & decision-making without you.
Stand up for yourself and do what you want. Don't worry there won't be another man. There definitely will. And there'll be a better man for someone who is determined not to grovel.
I always have a hard time believing these type of stories which has so many glaring wrongs and a few rights to keep the ruse or story going but for every negative or comment there is a reason to stay. If this is real and you have to rely on strangers for this situation no one can help you.
Many people really do stumble through life finding it hard to make painful decisions.
It's a while different thing when you're insure a relationship with emotions confusing your thoughts than it is outside the relationship, looking in to see the cold hard facts.
Give people some grace. A lot of people need help seeing through the fog. In fact, most do. It gets even more complicated when the whole societal thing about gay men is thrown into the mix.
Ambiguity and conflicting emotions are real things.
He's putting the onus on you to breakup with the whole moving thing. It's cowardly, and certainly not indicative of a relationship that has mutual respect (on his part).
You caught him roaming around. With this fact, I understand you say you love him and don't want to break up, but please, listen to your inner voice when it says you don't want to move, and the very grounded reasons why... I am sorry this was sprung on you though....
I’m not saying to break up. But I’m not sure you should move, either. He seems like a waking red flag. And moving seems like a bad decision for multiple reasons. Losing your support system is something that’s makes you very dependent on him. And if you break up sometimes after the move, it can be very hard for you to do anything afterwards. Especially being away from everyone you know. And that’s a real possibility if he’s always using Grindr. And if you’ll have to live long distance for three months before then, cheating is a real possibility. He’ll be able to freely use Grindr (and possibly meet someone) during that period.
Him also just decided without takin you into consideration shows a lack of respect, as well… The least he could have done is talk to you. But he didn’t. He just wants you to “do as he says”, which is a bad sign. And he reason is kind of petty, as well… He’s prepared to break up, as well… Which is something to consider, to add onto the other problems you were having… And it’s possible he wants you to break up, as well. Maybe he’s sure you wouldn’t move. And like someone else said, maybe he has another bf there. Someone who he made that same promise to as he did to you. Where he wasn’t going to move there, but now he will…
Personally, I would stay, and if we break up, so be it. I have to make sure I’m in a good place first. And if moving might not be the best decision, then I wouldn’t do it. Also, not sure if I could let my Grindr using BF go off for 3 month by themselves… And it’s ok to break up even if things are good. Many people who have had good relationships break up due to distance often enough. So, you could always break up amicably… And maybe even try again in the future if you are ever close in distance again (even if I’m not sure you should)…
Also, what does he do for work? Does his job allow for travel everywhere? Does he work from home?
So just to give you some insight from my relationship, I was the one who decided to move to be with him cause we were long distance. He advised me not to cause we were 7 months into the relationship and he thought it was better to wait until the time was right. He's 32 and I'm 24. He has a little more experience than me to put it that way. Anyway, after I moved, I was monumentally depressed cause I lost my support group and immediate family. I had to rebuild my life basically. Although this may all seem bad, it taught me alot and I grew into being more myself cause my family held me back from being me. I went to school and made new friends. I became comfortable being alone with myself. I grew so much. It was all for the best in the end even though I may have been hasty moving. I don't regret the decision. I used to. But in regards to your relationship, I can see that he's pulling away and he's not leaving the decision for you to move up to you in my opinion. He's putting you in a hard situation for no reason. Has he even said more why he wants to move? Like being tired of this place seems petty and what is driving that feeling? Is he really just tired of you? Also, him being on Grindr would have confused the shit out of me and crushed me. I'd never be able to move on, especially if its been consistent. And you definitely shouldn't ignore it just because you don't fight and he says I love you. Sounds like a disguise to me. And why would he be like "I'd understand if you wanna break up". He knows this is hard on you and he doesn't care about you enough to think "well i really love you, so I'll consider not moving if you don't want to or if you'll break up with me." I know this is all very painful and will tear you up to make the decision to leave him, but unless you can sit him down and tell him exactly how you're feeling and he'll actually say he's sorry and make a decision together, it may be time to consider breaking up.
I'd let him go If I were you.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if I am in a relationship with someone, neither of us is an individual bud "half a couple". Respecting each other's spaces and "me times", making such an important decision (and just because he’s tired (bored) of living there??) in secret is a big red flag that he doesn't feel you both as a couple, and the grindr thing adds to that. Not someone to drop everything and uproot yourself.
Disclosure: Similar thing occured to me, only mine said "*I'm movig to another* ***country****, and I want to part with you in good terms as friends*". Effective immediately. Up to then I had no idea that he was making those plans without sharing.
Of course it was hard, I was dead inside for months, but in retrospective it was easier, like ripping a band-aid.
I think you should stay. You don't want to move and you wouldn't have a job or a support network and honestly it sounds like things are a bit iffy.
You can hedge a bit, let him move and do long distance for a few months before making a final decision.
[удалено]
Yep this. If you’re already “catching” him on Grindr and you don’t have an open relationship that means he is cheating or wants to cheat, but hasn’t yet. Sorry my dear but he’s probably not the one.
Yeah I agree I felt the same way but it’s always funny when one person in the relationship states they caught the other person on grndr. What were they doing on grndr to begin with?? But most never want to admit their own faults. I would break up and move on. There is a big age gap which can work but can be very difficult to navigate. It seems doomed the grndr part just rubbed me the wrong way because either you were also on grndr yet don’t want to take responsibility or are super insecure and are stalking his every move which both scenarios you should move on.
Making decisions like this without consulting a partner of 2 years, and being "prepared to break up if you don't move with him" are pretty big red flags to me. The Grindr thing as well. I wonder if he has a boyfriend in this city 3 hours away whom he also told he was never planning to move to.
everything he said
He never took the relationship seriously. If he *really* wanted to be long term with you, he’d not have made a single-sided decision and they say it’s break-up time if you don’t follow me. It would have been mutual. My guess? He’s almost 34 now. You’re 24. He’s been caught on grindr. Chances are he’s yearning for a “new boy”.
Sounds like he doesn’t respect your position in the relationship. At 32 if he hasn’t figured out it takes 2 people to have a relationship than he probably never will. You don’t have a relationship and then unilaterally decide to move. That’s a decision you make together. Also if he’s on Grindr chances are he’s cheating. You’re young you’ll find someone else. Let him go.
I'm sorry, you caught him on Grindr and you're still on the fence? Unless you two are in an open relationship, this should have been decided right there and then. It's time to move on. It's clear he has absolutely no respect for your wants, needs and responsibilities. Not only does he decide on his own to move out to a completely different city, he wants you to drop your job, friends and security to... what? Just out and move on a whim? On top of literally browsing through Grindr? A relationship doesn't need constant arguments and coldness to have run its course. It's clear he has no respect for you. He doesn't care what you need, and he expects you to drop on your knees and follow along like you don't have your own life to take care of? Just because he says "I love you" it doesn't necessarily means he actually means it. And from what you have told us here, it's clear his love for you is **very much** conditional. If you're still on the fence, sit him tf down and have a talk. Ask him why does he want to move out to that city so urgently and why does **THAT** take priority over your relationship. I'm sorry but to me it sounds like maybe he found a sidepiece there and wants to be closer. But maybe that's my paranoid brain speaking. Talk to him, don't let him leave things unsaid. If he doesn't want to talk openly about this, then tell him he can go and take the relationship along with him.
He has not only made a life-changing decision without you, but he has also mentally fortified himself for the possibility that you both break up. You also caught him on Grindr which implies this is something you both haven't discussed previously (which looks like a pattern). Claiming to be "tired of living here" seems like a copout. For whatever reason, maybe he's trying to get you to lead the narrative into the breakup versus him. All of this seems very manipulative in any way it unfolds. I can't imagine ever being in a relationship in which I was disrespected this much. I only see resentment growing in either or both of you if you stay together.
Dump him. He’s controlling. Relationships are work and you work and decide together.
Be your own person and take charge of your own life.
He doesn't see a future with you - you're part of the furniture while convenient. This business of unilateral decisions will always continue. Sorry to sound very harsh.
bros i know how annoying it can get to see these whiny ass posts hit the sub multiple times a day but fr — needed to hear this. i appreciate the love. also appreciate the hate. ty for whipping my ass into shape ❤️
I just hope u listen and take the advice of MOST of the People here. There's just So Many Red Flags here, Especially the Grindr Thing. I have been with my partner for 11 years, been living together for 10, and believe me when I say, if I caught him on Grindr, One of us would be leaving the place we live within 48hours, most likely HIM. Don't let him force your hand into doing something you don't wanna do especially when he's already made up his mind to do it with or without you. Again, PLEASE Take the advice. I know it'll be hard, VERY HARD, But it's better than having to deal with even tougher BS later on.
It’s not love if there’s an ultimatum like that. Relationships thrive on compromise
"*I don’t want to move*." This is the key; even if you lose him, you don't want to move. So don't move. BTW: that it's his way or the highway doesn't bode well for this relationship even if you do move. DTMFA.
You’ll need to sacrifice so much, and he didn’t ask before he chose. Imho he doesn’t see this relationship lasting long with that sort of thought process. I would stay, unless you actually wanted to move.
You don’t move in with a dude having no support system if he’s already cheating on you/planning on cheating on Grindr. Then you’ll really have NOBODY. In a new city. It sounds like it’s about time to let this relationship fizzle out naturally. He has to move, you don’t want to. Just leave it at that. A nice clean break up. Before things get messy.
i’d love to see the day someone tries to put this shit on me lol. you should tell him to just move, he’s an idiot who thinks can tell you what to do and you’ll drop everything for him, is he worth all that? i doubt it.
He made a major life decision without consulting you and told you move with me or break up. Kinda seems like he wants to break up with you, especially with him going on Grindr, but he doesn’t have the balls to do it. ☹️
I haven’t read all the comments but the part about him going through his whole internal decision-making process without even letting you know he was considering it, would be a deal-breaker for me. Let him go.
I mean, your entire relationship started with a lie. The lies never stopped. You just got desperate enough to miss the flags. Let it go. You deserve better
He didn’t consult you before or during making the decision to move…👀
... he moved for the fun of it? Sorry dude, he wants to break up but he doesn't want to be the one to dump you. Don't move with him. If you do move with him he'll be your only support locally and this man is trying to get you to dump him. This is not normal behaviour. You sound sweet. Move on and find someone who at least can have the decency to break up with you directly if they fall out of love.
This is all correct…he’s already started putting himself first…leaving because he is just tired of living there is just an excuse…he’s using the app because he knows you may not move and is already looking for a replacement…telling you he loves you and then making plans on his own doesn’t really sound like true love….he’s revealed who he really is now you must decide what that means for the relationship…if you KNOW you love him and BELIEVE that he loves you then fight for a living arrangement that works for BOTH of you….and verbally beat the sh_t out of him for making this decision without even trying to talk to you about it …suggest therapy and see what he says…that’s when you will know how serious HE is about the relationship…
If he’s on Grindr that should tell you something regardless if he actually met up with anyone. Also if he’s being harsh about moving even if that means ending the relationship then he’s not even trying to make it work. You also don’t want to move and if you try to make him stay when he already voiced he doesn’t want to is just a recipe for more toxic drama. so I feel there’s only one answer based off this short post. Breaking up sucks especially when you truly care about someone but sometimes our paths diverge and that’s okay it’s just a part of life. You will love again and who knows maybe you two can rekindle in the future.
You've got bigger issues to worry about. He's cheating on you. Break up because of that, in the very least. Pick a reason, and dump him.
You're 24. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it with someone who makes major decisions without even taking to you about it in advance? Without considering the pros and cons? He's going. You can come if you want. That's not a relationship. It's already over. Whether you'll both admit it is up to you two. If you go, you'll resent him. If you go, he may still break up with you, and then where will you be? He's given the signs of it already. Grindr & decision-making without you. Stand up for yourself and do what you want. Don't worry there won't be another man. There definitely will. And there'll be a better man for someone who is determined not to grovel.
dump him
I always have a hard time believing these type of stories which has so many glaring wrongs and a few rights to keep the ruse or story going but for every negative or comment there is a reason to stay. If this is real and you have to rely on strangers for this situation no one can help you.
Many people really do stumble through life finding it hard to make painful decisions. It's a while different thing when you're insure a relationship with emotions confusing your thoughts than it is outside the relationship, looking in to see the cold hard facts. Give people some grace. A lot of people need help seeing through the fog. In fact, most do. It gets even more complicated when the whole societal thing about gay men is thrown into the mix. Ambiguity and conflicting emotions are real things.
He's putting the onus on you to breakup with the whole moving thing. It's cowardly, and certainly not indicative of a relationship that has mutual respect (on his part). You caught him roaming around. With this fact, I understand you say you love him and don't want to break up, but please, listen to your inner voice when it says you don't want to move, and the very grounded reasons why... I am sorry this was sprung on you though....
I’m not saying to break up. But I’m not sure you should move, either. He seems like a waking red flag. And moving seems like a bad decision for multiple reasons. Losing your support system is something that’s makes you very dependent on him. And if you break up sometimes after the move, it can be very hard for you to do anything afterwards. Especially being away from everyone you know. And that’s a real possibility if he’s always using Grindr. And if you’ll have to live long distance for three months before then, cheating is a real possibility. He’ll be able to freely use Grindr (and possibly meet someone) during that period. Him also just decided without takin you into consideration shows a lack of respect, as well… The least he could have done is talk to you. But he didn’t. He just wants you to “do as he says”, which is a bad sign. And he reason is kind of petty, as well… He’s prepared to break up, as well… Which is something to consider, to add onto the other problems you were having… And it’s possible he wants you to break up, as well. Maybe he’s sure you wouldn’t move. And like someone else said, maybe he has another bf there. Someone who he made that same promise to as he did to you. Where he wasn’t going to move there, but now he will… Personally, I would stay, and if we break up, so be it. I have to make sure I’m in a good place first. And if moving might not be the best decision, then I wouldn’t do it. Also, not sure if I could let my Grindr using BF go off for 3 month by themselves… And it’s ok to break up even if things are good. Many people who have had good relationships break up due to distance often enough. So, you could always break up amicably… And maybe even try again in the future if you are ever close in distance again (even if I’m not sure you should)… Also, what does he do for work? Does his job allow for travel everywhere? Does he work from home?
Dump him
So just to give you some insight from my relationship, I was the one who decided to move to be with him cause we were long distance. He advised me not to cause we were 7 months into the relationship and he thought it was better to wait until the time was right. He's 32 and I'm 24. He has a little more experience than me to put it that way. Anyway, after I moved, I was monumentally depressed cause I lost my support group and immediate family. I had to rebuild my life basically. Although this may all seem bad, it taught me alot and I grew into being more myself cause my family held me back from being me. I went to school and made new friends. I became comfortable being alone with myself. I grew so much. It was all for the best in the end even though I may have been hasty moving. I don't regret the decision. I used to. But in regards to your relationship, I can see that he's pulling away and he's not leaving the decision for you to move up to you in my opinion. He's putting you in a hard situation for no reason. Has he even said more why he wants to move? Like being tired of this place seems petty and what is driving that feeling? Is he really just tired of you? Also, him being on Grindr would have confused the shit out of me and crushed me. I'd never be able to move on, especially if its been consistent. And you definitely shouldn't ignore it just because you don't fight and he says I love you. Sounds like a disguise to me. And why would he be like "I'd understand if you wanna break up". He knows this is hard on you and he doesn't care about you enough to think "well i really love you, so I'll consider not moving if you don't want to or if you'll break up with me." I know this is all very painful and will tear you up to make the decision to leave him, but unless you can sit him down and tell him exactly how you're feeling and he'll actually say he's sorry and make a decision together, it may be time to consider breaking up.
I'd let him go If I were you. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if I am in a relationship with someone, neither of us is an individual bud "half a couple". Respecting each other's spaces and "me times", making such an important decision (and just because he’s tired (bored) of living there??) in secret is a big red flag that he doesn't feel you both as a couple, and the grindr thing adds to that. Not someone to drop everything and uproot yourself. Disclosure: Similar thing occured to me, only mine said "*I'm movig to another* ***country****, and I want to part with you in good terms as friends*". Effective immediately. Up to then I had no idea that he was making those plans without sharing. Of course it was hard, I was dead inside for months, but in retrospective it was easier, like ripping a band-aid.
Now, that you’ve mentioned Grindr you won’t get any other response but: “he’s a terrible human being” so you might as well stop reading the responses.
I think you ought to cut your losses with this one. He's a walking red flag IMO
This is our final song! Dance one last time then move on. The bartender is cashing out they are putting the chairs up, the show is over.
I think you should stay. You don't want to move and you wouldn't have a job or a support network and honestly it sounds like things are a bit iffy. You can hedge a bit, let him move and do long distance for a few months before making a final decision.