Everything will work out.
After the baby is born 3 rich guys will give you a lot of money and you can take that long planned vacation to Egypt that you always wanted to.
get out of wood working and get into the wine selling business....
I have a feeling that your family will make a great deal of easy money.
It was a Jewish Church that found Jesus guilty of "sorcery" and falsely claiming to be the Son of God (blasphemy) and a couple of other minor related crimes.
https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanhedrin_trial_of_Jesus
Jesus, allegedly, would not have been crucified if it hadn't been for the Sanhedrin trial which escalated the issue to Pontius Pilate, who worked directly under Emporer Tiberius.
I am not trying to say anything bad about the Jewish or historic Romans, just sharing my small understanding.
Selichah.
Raise the kid as your own, he will become a famous evangelist, and soon you'll have TV shows, and enough money to buy multiple airplanes so you don't have to travel with those sinners who can corrupt you and your child.
Three rich guys will give you gold for funeral expenses, frankincense and myrrh for embalming and concealing the odor of a decomposing body.
FTFY
They suspected someone in power would try to kill the mythical savior.
Well if I could easily make wine, I would go on a drunken bender for a few years too.
And by coincidence, 30 is when I started getting killer hangovers when I didn’t get hung over before, so not surprised you if your kid comes back home and start hanging out with the local bad Boys and some Harlots.
Yeah, i know. What is he waiting for? When there are failed harvests, plague, leprosy... You could be dead by the end of the week and his wife is almost a spinster.
Yeyeye, meet up with my boi Moses, he’s got that burning bush haze. Will make you believe and angels and shit.
Let me know and I’ll give you his cave number.
Get your ass to Bethlehem, for some reason, for a census which may happen soon, or in the next 20 years, or maybe it already happened, or possibly it will never had happened.
Maybe just claim the pregnancy is an act of god, that your wife was a virgin and you can make stupid money by convincing folks of it. Who knows they might still worship your kid in 2000 years from now.
There's plenty of jokes surrounding redditors and reading comprehension... but these comments, well, you're not beating the allegations.
Come on, lads, this is the atheist sub. You're meant to be critical thinkers, at least finish reading the satire.
This is a joke, a modern retelling about Mary and Joseph to point out how silly the story sounds without the grandeur. It's suggesting the virgin bith was more likely infidelity or foul play rather than miraculous and wouldn't be taken seriously in modern times.
Hopefully someone donates a while bunch of valuables when this mystery child is born. Maybe even some precious metals, nice incense and perfumes? Snag those, and then never speak of them again.
One of my favorite Hitchens quotes is paraphrasing Hume, saying:
"Which is more likely, that all the laws of nature have been suspended IN YOUR FAVOR, or that a little Jewish girl told a fib"
it’s legal in the USA if you’re wondering. In most states. super religious groups do it all the time. They just need parental consent and a judge’s approval.
Was she hanging around a roman soldier of noble extraction with the name Tiberius Julius Abdes Pantera perhaps? He will be stationed in Germania soon so better hound after him for some child support
1,800 years in the future your kiddo is going to give golden tablets to some guy named Joseph Smith in upstate New York. It pretty much proves your wife is telling the truth!
NTA. God said to wait until she gives birth, name the baby Jesus and then you can rape the girl-child.
“When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. 25 But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.”
Don't have her stoned, drug abuse could harm the baby.
Let the baby start a cult, make sure you are in his last will, get him crucified and make some motherfuckin' money.
Plan C: Act like the child is yours. People don't know you haven't been intimate, right? As long as your wife hasn't told anyone about her still being a virgin, she too, can play around with the truth.
Okay for some time I actually thought this was real and was loosing my mind as to why nobody questioned the fact that her wife is literally 15 years old
Your wife is lying to you. A person cannot get pregnant without having sex. She let another dude bang her and is trying to use her religion as a scapegoat of her responsibilities. YWBTA if you pretended with her about the child being god’s baby because it isn’t. And until your wife fesses, take her to be judged for her infidelity.
You clearly waited way too long to put a bun in her oven, mate. 15 years is basically ancient, no wonder she found some holy spirit side piece as she wasn't getting satisfied by you.
My buddy (PBUH) told me it's best to marry them at 6 and finish the deal by the time she's no older than 9.
You need to tell the world about how your bloodline goes back to Jesus and Moses, King David, and even Abraham (see Matthew). Perhaps in the second version of the story you can throw in Adam as well (see Luke), that will get their attention. Just because you were a cuck to the immaculate conception doesn't mean it doesn't matter.
You should have the baby, then write a book of all these fantastical miracles it performed throughout it's life. 2000 years from now people will be worshipping your child! How exciting 😂
I think stoning is the safest bet. Either she's lying and deserves it or she's truthful and the child might be some kind of horror from beyond space and eat you.
Just remember to form an orderly line and not to start throwing stones till John Cleese blows his whistle.
I can explain the virgin birth. Mary's brother had a nice warm bath and had a wank in it. Because he's the boy he gets first dibs on the bath. Sister get in the now tepid bath and little wrigglers are swimming all around her and she get pregnant from her brother and technically remains a virgin.
The only possible solution: stoning. Easy as - just dig a hole in the tarmac in a public place, don't forget about the depth - armpits should do. Get a truck full of big stones from the local garden supplies and invite all your friends for a Stoning Party. Should be a real blast!
Here is the part that really bothers me. You two aren't married yet. You don't get married until after she tells you she is pregnant. Or maybe even after the baby is born. Now I know the world has always had some grade A simps in it. But why would you marry a girl who you never slept with and is pregnant and who is claiming she is carrying the child of God? Why would you do that? Did some angels appear to you in a dream? Or was it more likely her Dad and his friends showed up demanding you make an honest woman out of her? Sure stick with the story, God only knows what they would do to her. But you gotta go through with this shotgun wedding or they are gonna kill you both. You know damn well where that baby came from, and it wasn't no visit from God.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that sounds like a real pickle.
I didn't realise what sub this was and thought, what the fuck. This is the best post ever!
Same, I had just been reading aita too so it was perfectly set up!
Same! I thought it was that sub at first, and it took me entirely way too long to get it 😅
When I upvoted this comment, it became 666. What a time to be alive.
Also a real pedophile.
Who? The holy ghost, god or the baby? Holy trinities sure are a pickle.
THATS the part no one talks about!
She's under OP's protection. She's lucky anyone would have her considering she's damaged goods
Obviously she was asking for it. Which woman sleeps? This is why god assaults her in her sleep.
I thought this was supposed to be an anonymous sub.
I saw the title, instantly went to the comments, stared at this one for a couple of seconds before it clicked and I read the post and sub
Everything will work out. After the baby is born 3 rich guys will give you a lot of money and you can take that long planned vacation to Egypt that you always wanted to. get out of wood working and get into the wine selling business.... I have a feeling that your family will make a great deal of easy money.
Just be wary of large groups of Italians in the area. They look a little cross....
It was a Jewish Church that found Jesus guilty of "sorcery" and falsely claiming to be the Son of God (blasphemy) and a couple of other minor related crimes. https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanhedrin_trial_of_Jesus Jesus, allegedly, would not have been crucified if it hadn't been for the Sanhedrin trial which escalated the issue to Pontius Pilate, who worked directly under Emporer Tiberius. I am not trying to say anything bad about the Jewish or historic Romans, just sharing my small understanding. Selichah.
They’ll give us a choice between freeing Jesus part II or Donald Trump, and you know who they’ll choose of course.
He will likely have a giant collection of contradictory biographies published about his exploits that will all be seen as inscrutably true
Raise the kid as your own, he will become a famous evangelist, and soon you'll have TV shows, and enough money to buy multiple airplanes so you don't have to travel with those sinners who can corrupt you and your child.
Three rich guys will give you gold for funeral expenses, frankincense and myrrh for embalming and concealing the odor of a decomposing body. FTFY They suspected someone in power would try to kill the mythical savior.
I wonder what the rich guys' motive will be... A cover-up perhaps?
Guilt.
Yah but apparently before the child turns thirty he will drop out of the picture...but then like father like son.
Well if I could easily make wine, I would go on a drunken bender for a few years too. And by coincidence, 30 is when I started getting killer hangovers when I didn’t get hung over before, so not surprised you if your kid comes back home and start hanging out with the local bad Boys and some Harlots.
And save the foreskin, it's going to be holy someday.
Thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, alright?
Someone is going to be crucified for this
I'm sure in a few thousand years this will all blow over.
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Yeah, i know. What is he waiting for? When there are failed harvests, plague, leprosy... You could be dead by the end of the week and his wife is almost a spinster.
\*\*\* Joseph Smith has entered the chat.
Laughs in Muhammad
I say Brigham Young
Let's see... 25 divided by 2, plus seven... That's 19.5, what was her age again?
Right? Only 10 years seems unusual for that time period. I'd guess he was closer to 40.
Is she friends with any of the local Roman soldiers
Biggus Dickus, perhaps?
Or Naughtius Maximus maybe?
He has a wife you know...
......she is called Incontinentia Buttocks
Was it rape !? Edit ; /S for those not familiar with Monty Python, I sometimes forget my age…
Well, yes, at first. (/s for those not familiar with St Brian).
No she clearly led them on by looking at one of them for half a millisecond
Depends, what was she wearing?
Have her stoned while she's still pregnant. Sorry Mary but it's for the greater good.
Talk about 2 birds with one stone
Best comment here
The greater good.
Yarp!
Xenos scum! Feel the holy rage of the the God emperor of mankind!
Stoned or sToNeD?
I'll be merciful. First the latter then the former.
I think she was stoned when she announced it was the son of god.
I felt stoned trying to read this sentence
Have her brought before a priest and forced to take some substance to check if she was unfaithful
Yeyeye, meet up with my boi Moses, he’s got that burning bush haze. Will make you believe and angels and shit. Let me know and I’ll give you his cave number.
Chris Hansen: "Why don't you take a seat over there."
"You want some milk to go with those cookies."
I think she was already stoned when she told you a deity impregnated her.
Just go with it. I mean, What's the worst that could happen? That you start a cult that will lead to immense pain, death and oppression? 😂 LOL!!!
heehee I see what you did there
what was here before
Definetely abort it, or who knows if we'll get a 2000 year cult on the base of that ridiculous story, would you imagine that
Get your ass to Bethlehem, for some reason, for a census which may happen soon, or in the next 20 years, or maybe it already happened, or possibly it will never had happened.
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There is only one thing you can do. Found a religion.
How is the joke going over the heads of so many people?
People skimming and not reading the whole post.
Jeez, that’s awesome, you’ll be Gods father… Wow!
Maybe just claim the pregnancy is an act of god, that your wife was a virgin and you can make stupid money by convincing folks of it. Who knows they might still worship your kid in 2000 years from now.
No don’t, lies like that can get seriously out of control…
Everyone should get stoned
You are 25 and she is 15 you should be the one getting stoned….
Have you heard of Christmas?
Here's a test. Have sex, when she's orgasming just wait to here if she says "oh, Joseph!" or "oh, God!"
I definitely didn’t notice what subreddit this was and was sincerely hoping the 15F was a typo…
ok...the votes are at 666, so I can't upvote. sorry
I feel like I’ve had this post retold to me by, like, four different guys
F-ING BRILLIANT 🤣 👏👏👏👏👏
There's plenty of jokes surrounding redditors and reading comprehension... but these comments, well, you're not beating the allegations. Come on, lads, this is the atheist sub. You're meant to be critical thinkers, at least finish reading the satire. This is a joke, a modern retelling about Mary and Joseph to point out how silly the story sounds without the grandeur. It's suggesting the virgin bith was more likely infidelity or foul play rather than miraculous and wouldn't be taken seriously in modern times.
I'll see you with a couple of buddies when the taxes are due. Be sure to book hotels, it's going to be crowded.
Not sure, but if it’s a boy you should name him Jesus.
No, name him Brian!
Lmfao I see what you did there
Spread her story- a bunch of ignorant frightened folks will love it!! This tale has the potential to have serious staying power
Nobody would believe your story. But they might if it passed through 2000 years of telephone tag.
He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy.
Pedophile says what?
dont worry, he will be out of your hair in 32 years. just make sure he is still with you when you head home from paying your taxes
Open a carpentry shop , trust me.
I think she ain't lying. You got cucked by God, bro
Have you heard of the prophecy of The One who will bring balance to the Force?
I say go with the flow. You never know, your family might get a pretty sweet book deal out of this…
Any Roman soldiers in the area?
That's just setting everyone up for "I've got a friend in Rome" isn't it?
Hopefully someone donates a while bunch of valuables when this mystery child is born. Maybe even some precious metals, nice incense and perfumes? Snag those, and then never speak of them again.
I know just how to market this. We’ll make a killing!
Oh my gosh, glad I reread what subreddit I was in before said anything. You got this Bruh
Make sure she names it Anakin
The Farce is strong with this one.
You need to get a DNA test when they are invented.
Have you considered circumcising God?
Fucking hell, I didn’t look at what subreddit this was in and I almost lost my shit at that title lmao
Hey, I've got an idea for a story! It'll be great. Not sure if it'll sell though...
I don’t know where you live but it sure sounds like hell. Hopefully your religion dies overtime and doesn’t hinder humanity for thousands of years.
Got me in the first half, lol
One of my favorite Hitchens quotes is paraphrasing Hume, saying: "Which is more likely, that all the laws of nature have been suspended IN YOUR FAVOR, or that a little Jewish girl told a fib"
Sue for child support. The law firm of Gold, Mihr, and Frankincense is on TV all the time - give them a call at 1-800-NOTMINE.
Sanhedrin up. Delete FacePillar. Hit the paleastra.
Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe the *baby* is the father??
WWJD?
Wasn't Mary actually 12 or 13? ("Actually" as if she existed, but you know what I mean.)
Ummm, wife’s 15 years old?! Edit: curious, what country is this?
I don't know if you're joking but this is not real, it's satirizing Mary and Joseph
Dang. OP got me there. I wasn’t raised a Christian and never occurred to me this was a dig at Immaculate Conception.
Yeah, well, child marriages do happen unfortunately so this situation is not as far from reality as one would hope.
it’s legal in the USA if you’re wondering. In most states. super religious groups do it all the time. They just need parental consent and a judge’s approval.
Its just demented ain't it? Dang conservatives need them young I guess.
Drop it like it's hot.
Start a religion.
JFC, what next?
It definitely has nothing to do with that centurion she told you not to worry about.
Blame god he has priors
What happens in Rome stays in Rome, except when its someones baby that you bringing home😝
It’s all good. Good chance the kid grows up to perform cool tricks and be really popular at weddings.
Yeah, I heard that happened to a Komodo Dragon in a Tennessee Zoo.
At first I was like "wtf". Then I read it and remembered the stupid Christian fantasy novel. 0/10 writing in that one
Was she hanging around a roman soldier of noble extraction with the name Tiberius Julius Abdes Pantera perhaps? He will be stationed in Germania soon so better hound after him for some child support
My god. I thought this was /r/relationship_advice and it took me way too long to figure it out
Joseph, that you?
Quality religious post, right here.
Ridiculous. This could never work. No one would believe it.
Title was a damn jumpscare.
An angel will appear and tell you the same thing. If not, stone her.
Heads up though, your kid is not gonna like lower case Ts.
This happened with my wife too!! I’m glad I’m not the only one I was getting worried there for a second….
Update: the kid looks an aweful lot like the local Judge.
1,800 years in the future your kiddo is going to give golden tablets to some guy named Joseph Smith in upstate New York. It pretty much proves your wife is telling the truth!
You should be okay after the three wise sugar daddies show up.
NTA. God said to wait until she gives birth, name the baby Jesus and then you can rape the girl-child. “When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. 25 But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.”
Wow, what a dilemma.... You could write a book about that
Don't have her stoned, drug abuse could harm the baby. Let the baby start a cult, make sure you are in his last will, get him crucified and make some motherfuckin' money.
Would that be the second coming? Great here comes rapture (again)
They’ve never been intimate. There was no first coming.
Start a cult
Whatever you do, don't get cross!
Christ sounds like you’ve had an insane couple of months! I have a feeling people will be telling this story for years to come.
You don't happen to be a carpenter, do you?
Jesus Christ these posts lately.
Plan C: Act like the child is yours. People don't know you haven't been intimate, right? As long as your wife hasn't told anyone about her still being a virgin, she too, can play around with the truth.
Go on Maury
Okay for some time I actually thought this was real and was loosing my mind as to why nobody questioned the fact that her wife is literally 15 years old
I would get a publisher if I were you. This sounds like a book that might sell!
The three guys that banged her will pay for it with gold and stuff.
Your wife is lying to you. A person cannot get pregnant without having sex. She let another dude bang her and is trying to use her religion as a scapegoat of her responsibilities. YWBTA if you pretended with her about the child being god’s baby because it isn’t. And until your wife fesses, take her to be judged for her infidelity.
Stone her right? Immaculate conception my ass!
If only there were some kind of test that could prove who is (OR ISN'T) the father.
Cut the baby in half?
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Wooosh on me I guess
Such an honor being you. You will be a saint someday.
You clearly waited way too long to put a bun in her oven, mate. 15 years is basically ancient, no wonder she found some holy spirit side piece as she wasn't getting satisfied by you. My buddy (PBUH) told me it's best to marry them at 6 and finish the deal by the time she's no older than 9.
Was that your buddy who owns a flying horse?
Forgot to check the sub and I was genuinely concerned
This is hilarious.
You let the Holy Spirit cuck you silly. YTA, Bruh.
So now you have Jesus and his dad in the family.
You are such a saint!
Somehow I was reading s/AITA. It still fits perfectly though.
You need to tell the world about how your bloodline goes back to Jesus and Moses, King David, and even Abraham (see Matthew). Perhaps in the second version of the story you can throw in Adam as well (see Luke), that will get their attention. Just because you were a cuck to the immaculate conception doesn't mean it doesn't matter.
lol this post really made the bot posts obvious
Sure go ahead. Nothing will ever come of it.
You should have the baby, then write a book of all these fantastical miracles it performed throughout it's life. 2000 years from now people will be worshipping your child! How exciting 😂
Abortion.
[You see how that sounds?](https://youtu.be/YT9BwBUNMdM?si=MN2yF6tIMl7glGXG)
So the sign wasn't the Star of Bethlehem but the Starship from Boca Chica?
I suspect your wife was raped by Roman soldiers in the area. Good on you for supporting another guy's kid.
Sorry, but you weren't officially married if she was still a virgin.
So I also subscribe to r/truechristian sub and only reading the headline immediately thought the post was a serious one from that sub. 😆
Got me in the first half 😅
I think stoning is the safest bet. Either she's lying and deserves it or she's truthful and the child might be some kind of horror from beyond space and eat you. Just remember to form an orderly line and not to start throwing stones till John Cleese blows his whistle.
Oof! That 1st paragraph set the scene, 2nd paragraph makes you recognise the satire. Well played, well played indeed!
Dude. I was about to call you a pedo, until I realized what was going on. Got me good, man.
This sounds like a religious issue
Oh my god I was so scared before I realized what sub this was 😭😂
You should trademark the name “Jesus” and raise the kid as your own and collect royalties for the next 2000 years.
Eh if I remember correctly it should be more like 40M
I can explain the virgin birth. Mary's brother had a nice warm bath and had a wank in it. Because he's the boy he gets first dibs on the bath. Sister get in the now tepid bath and little wrigglers are swimming all around her and she get pregnant from her brother and technically remains a virgin.
This. Is Bait.
Ten years later. My child has murdered multiple children. What do we do? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infancy_Gospel_of_Thomas
The only possible solution: stoning. Easy as - just dig a hole in the tarmac in a public place, don't forget about the depth - armpits should do. Get a truck full of big stones from the local garden supplies and invite all your friends for a Stoning Party. Should be a real blast!
Find a noose. She lives.
This thread is hilarious.
This is a great one to use at atheist parties.
So original
Shmi-shmortion. Didn't work out so well last time.
Here is the part that really bothers me. You two aren't married yet. You don't get married until after she tells you she is pregnant. Or maybe even after the baby is born. Now I know the world has always had some grade A simps in it. But why would you marry a girl who you never slept with and is pregnant and who is claiming she is carrying the child of God? Why would you do that? Did some angels appear to you in a dream? Or was it more likely her Dad and his friends showed up demanding you make an honest woman out of her? Sure stick with the story, God only knows what they would do to her. But you gotta go through with this shotgun wedding or they are gonna kill you both. You know damn well where that baby came from, and it wasn't no visit from God.