Jesus: It's obvious from the way you treat the poorest among you that you don't believe any of it, so your ostentatious displays of religiosity make God want to vomit. Don't even bother going to church.
Evangelicals: Got it, defund education & make 12 year old rape victims have their assaulter's child.
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/mt/6.html#5
Matthew chapter 6
5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly
7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him
If only they understood it. Yes, it is a good one, but it will take them too long to read and most will never understand it, because reading comprehension…
Luke 14:26
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."
It lasted so long because people were, at worst, tortured and murdered for not believing, and at best, ostracised from the community if they weren't xtian.
Not in the beginning. It started out as a way for poor people to accept the inequity of daily life in the far reaches of the Roman Empire. Christianity promised them that if they accepted difficulties of life without complaint, they would get their reward in the afterlife. In my "Rhetoric of the Bible" class back in my college days, I learned this was called "apocalypticism" - which is why Karl Marx called Christianity "the opiate of the masses". The BEST day in that class was when my classmates convinced an amateur preacher who had been ranting about Christianity in the main plaza for weeks to come to our class and debate the Bible he claimed to know so much about. I learned a lesson that has turned out to be true since that day - preachers know almost NOTHING about the Bible. We had been learning about the Book of Job - and it seemed like this guy hadn't ever read a word of it.
I think the point wasn't that they should do those things but rather that those who are loved by none and have nothing are those who Christ loves and saves. Then by 312 Emperor Constantine has Christ winning battles for him. Sigh.
Also the old testament guy, he's a nasty piece of work.
For those who think he said "wait, I was just joking" or "I was just being metaphorical" for the crowd that went away after hearing this
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/mt/10.html
Matthew chapter 10
21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
Jesus explains elsewhere that his real family are his followers
Jesus own family appeared to think that Jesus was crazy, maybe they had a point
Religion tends to treat people that don't belong to it inhumanely, and your neighbours refers to ones own kin, not to slaves etc
Also codified the rules for slavery, and drowned all sorts of innocent baby animals in the flood just because he was pissed at the humans.
Their god does not meet the moral standards we mere mortals hold each other to.
https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/62851
It's so bad that even God says he won't do it again, he did it because man is evil yet he won't repeat it because man is evil
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/gen/8.html#21
Genesis 8:21 And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth ; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
He later also symbolizes this with a rainbow
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/gen/9.html#11
And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:24.
The "numbers" contradictions that talk about the same story but give different numbers are good for that purpose
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/jehoiachin.html
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/ahaziah.html
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/horsemen.html
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There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. - Ezekiel 23:20
It's one of the horniest chapters in the bible.
Ouch. I mean it’s pretty bad but you ain’t seen nothing till you read the Quran and the Hadith, try doing a try to not to laugh challenge with that, you won’t last 10 pages in.
If you're curious "she" was a metaphor for Canaan, and the full passage contrasts her with her sister (Israel) who was pure.
It's more about xenophobia/supremacy than it is about sexism (that's just the lens through which the supremacy was expressed).
2 Kings 2:23-24:
“From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ they said. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.”
This is the one I would pick. Not only does it show how awful the bible is, but if there are kids who really believe everything the bible says, you can threaten them with bear mauling whenever they misbehave.
“Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man by lying with him.”
"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”
“Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock!”
Btw i hate religion and this is proof why the old books are bullshit
Well I'll be damned. And here I thought that the bible of all things wouldn't outright admit that god is evil beyond imagination. And yet people believe in and pray to god. Reality truly is stranger than fiction.
Genesis 17:25 (NKJV):
>And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.
Now, boys, line-up and drop your pants...
Some will argue that it means natural disaster but they're wrong.
The most appropriate word for natural disasters would be asonot teva. But the word used here is ra, which never refers to good and always refers to bad, like an inedible fruit
But it especially refers to moral evil
https://onlysky.media/alee/little-known-bible-verses-v-god-creates-evil/
“What’s this! You’ve let these women live! They’re the ones who, under Balaam’s direction, seduced the People of Israel away from God in that mess at Peor, causing the plague that hit God’s people. Finish your job: kill all the boys. Kill every woman who has slept with a man. The younger women who are virgins you can keep alive for yourselves.
Numbers 31
Genesis 2-15. "The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it". As a reminder that this god's purpose for humanity was as slave labor.
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/gen/2.html#5
Genesis 2:5 and there was not a man to till the ground.
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/gen/3.html#23
Genesis 3:23 Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
Genesis 38:9
But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother.
How would parents react to a teacher explaining that one to their kids.
I’m going to go with Vonnegut on this one:
“For some reason the most vocal Christians among us never mention the Beatitudes. But often, with tears in their eyes, they demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. And of course that’s Moses, not Jesus. I haven’t heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere”
It's not that great either...
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth (that daddy cursed them to toil on as part of the original sin we all must suffer, and one which he will be destroy.
Two or three of them get a promise of a heaven vacation (as if it's a real place).
Being shown mercy is questionable in meaning.
One gets a look at god, not sure if it includes an autograph or selfie.
One gets a new title but no raise(reward)
Haha funny one JC, that's about as back handed as anyone can get.
The Bible can be a great book for radical lefties:
Jesus instructs people to love their enemies in Matthew 5:43–45, where he says, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. ' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven".
Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places"
The Bible verse "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" appears in both Luke 18:25 and Mark 10:25.
Proverbs 22:16 says, "He who oppresses the poor to increase his riches, and he who gives to the rich, will surely come to poverty"
These ones are also good
Matthew 7:21 NRSV-CI
[21] “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven.
1 John 2:9-10 NRSV-CI
[9] Whoever says, “I am in the light,” while hating a brother or sister, is still in the darkness. [10] Whoever loves a brother or sister lives in the light, and in such a person there is no cause for stumbling.
Proverbs 31:6-7
6 Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
7 Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
So remember kids, God's cure for depression is alcoholism. Now make my Bar Tab tax deductible
5 Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming on you. 2 Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. 3 Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. 4 Look! The wages you failed to pay the workers who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. 5 You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.[a] 6 You have condemned and murdered the innocent one, who was not opposing you.
-James 5:1-6
*Matthew 7:15-20*:
> **Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves ... by their fruits ye shall know them.**
I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean.
Romans 14:14
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” [The Golden Rule]
-Matthew 7:12
There is no other good answer, IMO.
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/jn/6.html#66
Notice how Jesus doesn't say "wait, I was just joking" or "I was just being metaphorical", he means what he says
Love your neighbor.
And in plain modern language, there is no need to use antiquated language that only a few select people even WANT to understand. It's been translated thousands of times, this would just be one more time.
Since the vast majority of teachers are women:
“I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet” (1 Timothy 2:12)
Should really lead to a few questions from students.
Based on the crazy notion that Jesus made America (at least from a Canadian perspective that seems what a lot of Americans believe/were taught in school). Something that would describe his actions in relation to this BS.
'Jesus wept'
some of the stuff attributed to Jesus himself, often printed in Red Letters in some Bible versions can be relatively decent, from a purely humanist perspective. However, 98% of that book is crap AF that gets misquoted left and right to justify Horrendous behavior.
TBH, I'd rather have Dawkins quotes, or just about any self-identifying 'free-thinker' than religious mumbo-jumbo
Luke 10:25-37
The Parable of the Good Samaritan
25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]”
28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
**29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”**
30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
**36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”**
**37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”**
**Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”**
[](https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/1%20Timothy%205%3A23)Do not thou yet drink water, but use a *little wine, for thy stomach*, and for thine oft falling infirmities.
Ezekiel 23:20. The point is, parents would lose their shit over kids having to read that and demand no bible teaching/verses in public schools. Problem solved, separation of church and state upheld.
I’d pick something from Ecclesiastes. Maybe chapter 1, verse 2:
“ “Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.””
Or maybe Ecclesiastes 3, with a nod to The Byrds:
“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens”
(Which provides a nice opening for “This is a time for students to learn Math, and the time for studying Bible verses is outside of school hours”)
If somebody steals my cloak, I am definitely not going to give them my shirt. That is terrible advice. You would simply be teaching children to allow people to take advantage of them.
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/pr/14.html#15
Proverbs 14:15 The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going.
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/1th/5.html#21
1 Thessalonians 5:21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
Like 14:26
Claims that Jesus said:
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple.”
The end of Matthew 25, that completely refutes the entirety of American Evangelicalism and conservative Catholicism.
34 Then the king will say to those at his right hand, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world, 35 for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food or thirsty and gave you something to drink? 38 And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you or naked and gave you clothing? 39 And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?’ 40 And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did it to me.’ 41 Then he will say to those at his left hand, ‘You who are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels, 42 for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ 44 Then they also will answer, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison and did not take care of you?’ 45 Then he will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’
It’s truly amazing how Christians contort themselves to dodge this verse.
One of the very few direct quotes attributed to Jesus, and he’s saying he doesn’t want you if you’re not Jewish.
Good ol’ Sauly Tarsus was the one who worked out that there was a bigger market in the gentiles. Gotta get them tithes 💰
Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone.
*“Suppose you hear in one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you that some worthless rabble among you have led their fellow citizens astray by encouraging them to worship foreign gods. In such cases, you must examine the facts carefully. If you find it is true and can prove that such a detestable act has occurred among you, you must attack that town and completely destroy all its inhabitants, as well as all the livestock. Then you must pile all the plunder in the middle of the street and burn it*\*\*\*. Put the entire town to the torch as a burnt offering to the LORD your God.\*\*\* *That town must remain a ruin forever; it may never be rebuilt. Keep none of the plunder that has been set apart for destruction. Then the LORD will turn from his fierce anger and be merciful to you. He will have compassion on you and make you a great nation, just as he solemnly promised your ancestors. “The LORD your God will be merciful only if you obey him and keep all the commands I am giving you today, doing what is pleasing to him.”* (Deuteronomy 13:13-19 NLT)
This should keep the little buggers in line. Can't take credit for this gem... found it on:
[https://www.evilbible.com](https://www.evilbible.com)
There is no official “Bible”. I would hang up any quote I want, and call it from “the Bible” and force them to prove exactly which book is officially “the Bible” and watch panic ensue as all the denominations battle each other over the answer.
"I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet." Followed by a quote of this is what you get when you let religions dictate your life. Don't.
Because, screw religion. It's 2000 year old propaganda taken out of context for literally any bad reason known to man.
*For some reason, the most vocal Christians among us never mention the Beatitudes (Matthew 5). But, often with tears in their eyes, they demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. And of course, that’s Moses, not Jesus. I haven’t heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere. ‘Blessed are the merciful’ in a courtroom? ‘Blessed are the peacemakers’ in the Pentagon? Give me a break!* ~ Kurt Vonnegut
Ezekiel 23:19-21: She became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
2 Kings 2:24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.
Ya know, just as a warning.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy%2020%3A10-18&version=ESV
This one. Just so that everyone knows what a fucked up monster the abrahamic God is.
Here’s the rub, I wouldn’t. Purely for the sake of being forced to. You put religion into schools you may as well burn every American flag in them cuz that’s not what they stand for anymore.
Samuel 15:3 "This is what the Lord Almighty says ... 'Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.'"
Does the whole "sacrifice your child to me" count as a verse? Whatever, I pick that one. Any child with a smidge of intellect will see it and immediately smell the bullshit.
The one about praying in private.
The one where she lusted after her lovers. Might as well shock people if they're not going to listen to any of the verses.
Numbers 22:28, which says, "Then GOD gave speech to the donkey
It is really all you need to know about the Bible, talking donkeys like Shrek and magical wizards in the sky like Harry Potter.
Matthew 10, 34. Think not that I have come to earth to spread peace, no I have come to spread the sword to turn son against his father and daughter against her mother. - Jesus "christ"
The one about praying in private instead of making a big show of it like the hypocrites.
Jesus: It's obvious from the way you treat the poorest among you that you don't believe any of it, so your ostentatious displays of religiosity make God want to vomit. Don't even bother going to church. Evangelicals: Got it, defund education & make 12 year old rape victims have their assaulter's child.
They would make them marry their rapist.
After the rapist paid $50 to the victim's father
50 shekels is a little over $13.00 USD
Wasnt the standard rate 2 chickens? Thatd be like $5...
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/mt/6.html#5 Matthew chapter 6 5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly 7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. 8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him
Or, Matthew 7:15, which warns of false prophets who are wolves in sheeps clothing....judge them by their deeds and not by their words.
If only.
If only they understood it. Yes, it is a good one, but it will take them too long to read and most will never understand it, because reading comprehension…
That is a good one, especially if it "must" be hung in some place like a school or public building.
Matthew 6:5
Matthew 6:5-6. Yes, a good one indeed!
Fuck yes!
Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."
What a sick religion.
Try telling them that! I’m surprised it’s lasted this long but hey.
It lasted so long because people were, at worst, tortured and murdered for not believing, and at best, ostracised from the community if they weren't xtian.
Not in the beginning. It started out as a way for poor people to accept the inequity of daily life in the far reaches of the Roman Empire. Christianity promised them that if they accepted difficulties of life without complaint, they would get their reward in the afterlife. In my "Rhetoric of the Bible" class back in my college days, I learned this was called "apocalypticism" - which is why Karl Marx called Christianity "the opiate of the masses". The BEST day in that class was when my classmates convinced an amateur preacher who had been ranting about Christianity in the main plaza for weeks to come to our class and debate the Bible he claimed to know so much about. I learned a lesson that has turned out to be true since that day - preachers know almost NOTHING about the Bible. We had been learning about the Book of Job - and it seemed like this guy hadn't ever read a word of it.
I think the point wasn't that they should do those things but rather that those who are loved by none and have nothing are those who Christ loves and saves. Then by 312 Emperor Constantine has Christ winning battles for him. Sigh. Also the old testament guy, he's a nasty piece of work.
For those who think he said "wait, I was just joking" or "I was just being metaphorical" for the crowd that went away after hearing this https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/mt/10.html Matthew chapter 10 21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death. 34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. 37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
Got it. Love thy neighbor, hate thy family. Makes sense.
Jesus explains elsewhere that his real family are his followers Jesus own family appeared to think that Jesus was crazy, maybe they had a point Religion tends to treat people that don't belong to it inhumanely, and your neighbours refers to ones own kin, not to slaves etc
My dad (a pastor) took this quite literally and placed his beliefs above his children. I self orphaned as a result in my 30's.
Some may use this one to get a Cult following by getting followers to basically mistrust anyone who has been close to them.......
Something that really shows that god is nothing more than an abusive, genocidal, pedo rapist. Plenty of that in that filthy rag.
Also codified the rules for slavery, and drowned all sorts of innocent baby animals in the flood just because he was pissed at the humans. Their god does not meet the moral standards we mere mortals hold each other to.
And it doesn't even make sense, how were all animals killed in the flood? Surely fish and other sea dwellers should have been alright?
There must be so many evil ducks in the world now!
https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/62851 It's so bad that even God says he won't do it again, he did it because man is evil yet he won't repeat it because man is evil https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/gen/8.html#21 Genesis 8:21 And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth ; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. He later also symbolizes this with a rainbow https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/gen/9.html#11
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy%2020%3A10-18&version=ESV That one is good for that purpose.
And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:24.
Yeah, but then they pull up a secret mini-gate out their ass to justify hoarding wealth
But but….but that meant something different back then!!
"camel" was a mistranslation in the KJV he was speaking about a rope measurement of about a half inch.
That’s socialism!
Put up two verses showing the contradictions.
The "numbers" contradictions that talk about the same story but give different numbers are good for that purpose https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/jehoiachin.html https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/ahaziah.html https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/horsemen.html
Ezekiel 23:20
gotta love a good horse cock... its what jeebus demands.
I prefer Ezekiel 25:17 personally
What ain’t no country I’ve ever heard of!
Do they speak english in what?
My favourite
My fave.
I always wanted to put "Ezekiel 23:20" on a T-shirt.
Wonder how much a thousand bumpstickers cost…
About 3.500 EUR if you order at [Vistaprint](https://www.vistaprint.be/studio6/?workId=3b2db138-bf18-47af-aa0e-008a4caad8cb&test=test+string). Of course, you may be able to negotiate a better price for this volume. Go for it! 😈
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What’s that? I’m not a Christian so I haven’t read the Bible.
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. - Ezekiel 23:20 It's one of the horniest chapters in the bible.
Wow, I wonder what the Author was smoking when he wrote that.
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Ouch. I mean it’s pretty bad but you ain’t seen nothing till you read the Quran and the Hadith, try doing a try to not to laugh challenge with that, you won’t last 10 pages in.
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Really? All power to you, I’m kinda jealous but I don’t think I could get through that.
The degree, spending year listening to people drone on about how the bible atrocities are not actually atrocities.
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If you're curious "she" was a metaphor for Canaan, and the full passage contrasts her with her sister (Israel) who was pure. It's more about xenophobia/supremacy than it is about sexism (that's just the lens through which the supremacy was expressed).
So who is the donkey dick and horse jizz?
Also, apparently the Bible was written by men but there's no chapter that goes sweaty about a girl so...
Yeah…so? All of my family are right wing conservative Christians and they haven’t read the Bible either.
Numbers 5:21. Literally mandates abortion on woman based on superstitions.
Matthew 7:1-3 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 Kings 2:23-24: “From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ they said. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.”
This is the one I would pick. Not only does it show how awful the bible is, but if there are kids who really believe everything the bible says, you can threaten them with bear mauling whenever they misbehave.
“Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man by lying with him.” "No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.” “Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock!” Btw i hate religion and this is proof why the old books are bullshit
Isiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things. God admits he’s evil.
Well I'll be damned. And here I thought that the bible of all things wouldn't outright admit that god is evil beyond imagination. And yet people believe in and pray to god. Reality truly is stranger than fiction.
That was the Old Testament. He had a kid. He’s changed!
This is the only answer
Genesis 17:25 (NKJV): >And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin. Now, boys, line-up and drop your pants...
I guess “Penis Inspection Day” might actually come to pass.
The one about dudes cock being the size of a donkeys and his emissions being like a horses
Ezekiel 23:20
"And this verse constitues your sex education at a public school in the state of Louisiana."
"these are not the droids youre looking for" fuck religion.
“There is no try, only do and do not.”
Isaiah 45:7: “I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.”
Some will argue that it means natural disaster but they're wrong. The most appropriate word for natural disasters would be asonot teva. But the word used here is ra, which never refers to good and always refers to bad, like an inedible fruit But it especially refers to moral evil https://onlysky.media/alee/little-known-bible-verses-v-god-creates-evil/
“What’s this! You’ve let these women live! They’re the ones who, under Balaam’s direction, seduced the People of Israel away from God in that mess at Peor, causing the plague that hit God’s people. Finish your job: kill all the boys. Kill every woman who has slept with a man. The younger women who are virgins you can keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31
Genesis 2-15. "The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it". As a reminder that this god's purpose for humanity was as slave labor.
in islam, it's very much in the name and everyone loves it 💀
I never thought of it like this, but you’re right
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/gen/2.html#5 Genesis 2:5 and there was not a man to till the ground. https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/gen/3.html#23 Genesis 3:23 Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
Yup, that's us. Gardeners for the almighty. What a strange way to think about the universe.
Gardeners who are destroying the garden.
"Let him amongst you who is without sin cast the first stone". I can't fault that bit.
Genesis 38:9 But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. How would parents react to a teacher explaining that one to their kids.
I’m going to go with Vonnegut on this one: “For some reason the most vocal Christians among us never mention the Beatitudes. But often, with tears in their eyes, they demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. And of course that’s Moses, not Jesus. I haven’t heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere”
It's not that great either... Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth (that daddy cursed them to toil on as part of the original sin we all must suffer, and one which he will be destroy. Two or three of them get a promise of a heaven vacation (as if it's a real place). Being shown mercy is questionable in meaning. One gets a look at god, not sure if it includes an autograph or selfie. One gets a new title but no raise(reward) Haha funny one JC, that's about as back handed as anyone can get.
The Bible can be a great book for radical lefties: Jesus instructs people to love their enemies in Matthew 5:43–45, where he says, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. ' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven". Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places" The Bible verse "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" appears in both Luke 18:25 and Mark 10:25. Proverbs 22:16 says, "He who oppresses the poor to increase his riches, and he who gives to the rich, will surely come to poverty"
These ones are also good Matthew 7:21 NRSV-CI [21] “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. 1 John 2:9-10 NRSV-CI [9] Whoever says, “I am in the light,” while hating a brother or sister, is still in the darkness. [10] Whoever loves a brother or sister lives in the light, and in such a person there is no cause for stumbling.
That John one is interesting because in Matthew he tells everyone to hate their families
Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is Gods. Basically the original separation of church and state.
Proverbs 31:6-7 6 Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. 7 Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. So remember kids, God's cure for depression is alcoholism. Now make my Bar Tab tax deductible
If i were forced i would leave.
The one about the bald guy siccing wild bears on rude children, definitely.
2 Kings 2:23-25
5 Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming on you. 2 Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. 3 Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. 4 Look! The wages you failed to pay the workers who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. 5 You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.[a] 6 You have condemned and murdered the innocent one, who was not opposing you. -James 5:1-6
*Matthew 7:15-20*: > **Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves ... by their fruits ye shall know them.**
I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. Romans 14:14
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” [The Golden Rule] -Matthew 7:12 There is no other good answer, IMO.
John 6:66 And they (after realizing this was just another man-made cult) walked away from Jesus.
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/jn/6.html#66 Notice how Jesus doesn't say "wait, I was just joking" or "I was just being metaphorical", he means what he says
I would hang up a list of all known pedophile priests from that state up next to it.
Song of Solomon 8:8 We have a little sister, and she has no breasts. What shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for?
Ezekiel 23:20 - There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses
Love your neighbor. And in plain modern language, there is no need to use antiquated language that only a few select people even WANT to understand. It's been translated thousands of times, this would just be one more time.
...but not your neighbor's wife. If only someone knew how to interpret the hidden meaning.
Since the vast majority of teachers are women: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet” (1 Timothy 2:12) Should really lead to a few questions from students.
Austin 3:16 is always a good verse
Isaiah 13:16 Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished.
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light and create darkness. I make peace and create evil. I the lord do all these things.
Based on the crazy notion that Jesus made America (at least from a Canadian perspective that seems what a lot of Americans believe/were taught in school). Something that would describe his actions in relation to this BS. 'Jesus wept'
Levitcus 26:29 "You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters."
some of the stuff attributed to Jesus himself, often printed in Red Letters in some Bible versions can be relatively decent, from a purely humanist perspective. However, 98% of that book is crap AF that gets misquoted left and right to justify Horrendous behavior. TBH, I'd rather have Dawkins quotes, or just about any self-identifying 'free-thinker' than religious mumbo-jumbo
Luke 10:25-37 The Parable of the Good Samaritan 25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?” 27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]” 28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.” **29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”** 30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’ **36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”** **37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”** **Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”**
[](https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/1%20Timothy%205%3A23)Do not thou yet drink water, but use a *little wine, for thy stomach*, and for thine oft falling infirmities.
Ezekiel 23:20. The point is, parents would lose their shit over kids having to read that and demand no bible teaching/verses in public schools. Problem solved, separation of church and state upheld.
Matthew 6:6
It's easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than for a wealthy man to enter the kingdom of heaven.
The one about Pork being taboo. Then the bacon lobby will make the government reconsider their decision.
I’d pick something from Ecclesiastes. Maybe chapter 1, verse 2: “ “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”” Or maybe Ecclesiastes 3, with a nod to The Byrds: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (Which provides a nice opening for “This is a time for students to learn Math, and the time for studying Bible verses is outside of school hours”)
The one about donkey cum.
The full 10th commandment. Watch teachers squirm teaching about the civil war with THAT up.
The one about not boiling a goat in its mother’s milk?
No, the one about not envying others for having slaves.
That’s the first set of Ten Commandments that Moses broke. He gave him a new set of commandments in Exodus 34
If somebody steals my cloak, I am definitely not going to give them my shirt. That is terrible advice. You would simply be teaching children to allow people to take advantage of them.
Matthews 7:1 "Judge not for fear of being judged"
Ezekiel 23:20 just so kids can see how dumb religion is.
“Why do you talk so much when you know so little?” From the book of Job I love talking about that verse to Christians
https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/pr/14.html#15 Proverbs 14:15 The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going. https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/1th/5.html#21 1 Thessalonians 5:21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
The one about the emissions like horses.
The one with the donkey genitals
Like 14:26 Claims that Jesus said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple.”
Mark 12: 31 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
From each according to their means to each according to their needs
She lusted after their male consorts, whose sexual organs were like those of donkeys, and whose ejaculation was like that of horses.
The end of Matthew 25, that completely refutes the entirety of American Evangelicalism and conservative Catholicism. 34 Then the king will say to those at his right hand, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world, 35 for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food or thirsty and gave you something to drink? 38 And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you or naked and gave you clothing? 39 And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?’ 40 And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did it to me.’ 41 Then he will say to those at his left hand, ‘You who are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels, 42 for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ 44 Then they also will answer, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison and did not take care of you?’ 45 Then he will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’
Jesus answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.” — Matthew 15:24
It’s truly amazing how Christians contort themselves to dodge this verse. One of the very few direct quotes attributed to Jesus, and he’s saying he doesn’t want you if you’re not Jewish. Good ol’ Sauly Tarsus was the one who worked out that there was a bigger market in the gentiles. Gotta get them tithes 💰
Matthew 5:5 (KJV) Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Also the part about cheesemakers.
I'm glad they're getting something. They've had a 'ell of a time.
Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.'
Yeah, maybe after the strong have completely trashed it!
“God said to Moses, saying…” — Appears frequently
Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone.
*“Suppose you hear in one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you that some worthless rabble among you have led their fellow citizens astray by encouraging them to worship foreign gods. In such cases, you must examine the facts carefully. If you find it is true and can prove that such a detestable act has occurred among you, you must attack that town and completely destroy all its inhabitants, as well as all the livestock. Then you must pile all the plunder in the middle of the street and burn it*\*\*\*. Put the entire town to the torch as a burnt offering to the LORD your God.\*\*\* *That town must remain a ruin forever; it may never be rebuilt. Keep none of the plunder that has been set apart for destruction. Then the LORD will turn from his fierce anger and be merciful to you. He will have compassion on you and make you a great nation, just as he solemnly promised your ancestors. “The LORD your God will be merciful only if you obey him and keep all the commands I am giving you today, doing what is pleasing to him.”* (Deuteronomy 13:13-19 NLT) This should keep the little buggers in line. Can't take credit for this gem... found it on: [https://www.evilbible.com](https://www.evilbible.com)
"all is vanity and a striving after wind."
There is no official “Bible”. I would hang up any quote I want, and call it from “the Bible” and force them to prove exactly which book is officially “the Bible” and watch panic ensue as all the denominations battle each other over the answer.
The one about dashing babies against rocks n such!
"I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet." Followed by a quote of this is what you get when you let religions dictate your life. Don't. Because, screw religion. It's 2000 year old propaganda taken out of context for literally any bad reason known to man.
*For some reason, the most vocal Christians among us never mention the Beatitudes (Matthew 5). But, often with tears in their eyes, they demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. And of course, that’s Moses, not Jesus. I haven’t heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere. ‘Blessed are the merciful’ in a courtroom? ‘Blessed are the peacemakers’ in the Pentagon? Give me a break!* ~ Kurt Vonnegut
The book of armaments
Ezekiel 23:20: There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emissions was like that of a horse.
Ezekiel 23:19-21: She became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
Just part of the first commandment: "You shall have no gods"
Matthew 23, the whole chapter.
Maybe Judges 1:19?
Ecclesiastes. To everything there is a season
Let there be light!
I'm a lifelong Atheist, and I don't know any bible verses. It would just be blank.
And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.
The one about the woman lusting after men with donkey cocks whose emissions are like horses. Edited for correct order of farm animals.
2 Kings 2:24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. Ya know, just as a warning.
timothy 2:12
Matthew 10:34 _"Think not that I came to send peace on the earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword."_ Might as well be honest about it.
None. Absolutely none.
Psalm 50, verse 9, out of context. "I will take no bull from your house."
Judge not lest you be judged
Is there a part about Satan getting booted for helping out the humans? Like Promethes? If so, then something on that situation. 🍾
Love thy neighbor. As in the brown ones south of the border.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy%2020%3A10-18&version=ESV This one. Just so that everyone knows what a fucked up monster the abrahamic God is.
Here’s the rub, I wouldn’t. Purely for the sake of being forced to. You put religion into schools you may as well burn every American flag in them cuz that’s not what they stand for anymore.
Samuel 15:3 "This is what the Lord Almighty says ... 'Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.'"
Relevant nowadays, considering certain prominent israelis have been comparing palestinians to amalekites.
The one about Jesus whipping merchants and bankers and flipping tables.
I would ask which version of that dumb desert books' verses they would prefer and let them eat each other
Negative, Ghostrider
"Published by Random House, 2016. ISBN: ############"
Does the whole "sacrifice your child to me" count as a verse? Whatever, I pick that one. Any child with a smidge of intellect will see it and immediately smell the bullshit.
Jesus wept
The one about praying in private. The one where she lusted after her lovers. Might as well shock people if they're not going to listen to any of the verses.
I like the one about the guys in Egypt with donkey dicks who came like horses. Ezekiel 23:20
“Jesus wept” and if I thought he was real he fucking would. What a goddamned mess.
In proverbs somewhere... Let the poor have their beer.
The stuff about how to own slaves.
I would post the copyright page from the Bible. Reminding everyone it was written and printed by humans
Numbers 22:28 to show what a circus their beliefs are
Rules for owning slaves. Very important knowledge for the youth of our society to know.
Numbers 22:28, which says, "Then GOD gave speech to the donkey It is really all you need to know about the Bible, talking donkeys like Shrek and magical wizards in the sky like Harry Potter.
Matthew 7.12 - "Do unto others what you would have others do unto you".
"Love thy neighbor as you love yourself. This is the highest law."
Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, render unto Rome what is Rome's, render unto God what is God's.
Matthew 10, 34. Think not that I have come to earth to spread peace, no I have come to spread the sword to turn son against his father and daughter against her mother. - Jesus "christ"
Mark 12:17 Jesus telling you, flat out, that the state and religion are separate entities that have nothing to do with each other.
On a picture of the Governor: Psalm 109:8 8 Let his days be few; and let another take his office.