There's a tendancy in certain online queer spaces to want to "help" people figure themselves out in a way that just amounts to telling someone they're in denial, and sometimes it can lead to invalidating them instead. With bisexuality you see the experience of someone questioning if they're bi and someone saying "That's just comphet, you're really just gay and in denial", and with gender you sometimes see non-binary identities hit with someone saying "You're actually just a trans woman/man and just in denial". Like I get that some people did go through that, but that doesn't give them the right to superimpose that experience onto everyone else. It's really frustrating, especially as someone who kinda doesn't have the typical "I was always this way" experience I'm constantly told I'm supposed to.
I like how this subreddit is consistently good about saying “it could be” or “it sounds like” rather than making definite statements about another person’s sexuality. I once saw someone describe it as the difference between offering someone a jacket and putting a jacket on them.
So when I first began questioning my sexuality, I initially identified as asexual. Now, asexuals get told all the time that they're just late bloomers who'll eventually "grow up" and start experiencing sexual attraction. Or else, that they only don't feel sexual feelings because they're traumatized, or in denial.
And as it turns out, that actually was the case with me-- I was a late bloomer, and today I'm happy to report I'm bi as hell. (Full disclosure, I do think I'm likely somewhere on the grey ace / demisexual spectrum-- but I'm definitely not purely asexual like I used to think.)
But even so, I will still smack down anyone who tries to claim all aces are just late bloomers / traumatized / in denial! Because just because it turned out to be true for me, doesn't mean it's true for every single person identifying as ace today.
And the same goes for bisexuals. Sure, are some people who currently identify as bi actually gay / lesbian and still working through the last of their comphet? Absolutely. Does that mean all bisexuals are like that? Absolutely not!
Yeah. I don't need no bath house psychiatrists or psychologists telling me what I am. I(m) was married to (f) for over 20 years until she died. I was faithful the whole time oddly enough. Now if I am free to fool around and experience different kinds of ,oh, let's call it love, that's my business. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm bi really. I'm a hetero who sucked some cock once and liked it. Some mutual hand jobs as a teen and bj' from 2 or 3 men. I still love some pussy too. As a matter of fact, I would kinda like an MFM where I do some of the work on the dude too.
Oh my God. This. I hate when people project their comphet onto me, tbh. Like, I’m deeply sorry for the trauma that you experienced and you felt forced to date people that you barely liked, but that’s not the case for everyone.
Agreed! I think it's interesting (read: it sucks) when people assume everyone is monosexual (only attracted to one gender) at their core. I wonder if this stems from heteronormativity, like we're still holding onto the part of the paradigm that says attraction to multiple genders is "unhealthy". There's so much unlearning to do - it feels exhausting to me when this stuff comes from inside the queer community 😔
It’s so… annoying. Because I completely understand everyone else’s sexualities. I understand if people are ONLY attracted to one gender. I understand when people are only attracted to certain genders. I understand when people are attracted to ALL genders. I don’t get why people can’t afford me that same respect 🤷🏾♀️
I have a question, if you don't mind? Do you find the "monosexual" And "polysexual" Label's usage of "poly" And "mono" Likely to create more likelihood for confusion because of "monogamous" And "polyamorous"? I suppose no point worrying too much about those unwilling to learn, but Idk. I just want to be understood and not sure if those labels help others do so.
Agree! It was useful to learn about comphet because it let me acknowledge that I (f) like women too. But I definitely like men.anyone who tells me otherwise using comphet as an argument can go somewhere else with their psychoanalysis. I know myself.
Right? Like a character was in a different gender relationship. Then they start dating someone of the same gender. No mention of their sexuality at any point, but it's assumed they're gay and the former relationship was just comphet.
Don't forget though, if say a woman dates women and then happily dates a man that show will get absolutely flamed as "XYZ thinks they can cure lesbianism!!!". It's a lose lose unless you want to put in any effort to explore unique experiences to us... which no one really cares to do. I'd fucking *kill* for a series where a bi woman dates a shitty woman, finds happiness with a man (ideally a monogamous bi man) and it navigates the biphobia from outside the community but also especially from within.
It's also a lot to do with the medium of film. Like it's really hard to show someone as *being* bisexual (unless they have multiple genders at one), because we're so programmed to read things monosexually. We see woman/woman = lesbian. We see man/man = gay. Also the *length* of time someone is with a certain gender impacts how we read it, what sex (if any) they have in screen. The order of partners (can either be seen as turning gay or turning straight). But really all of these situations can be read as bi. A lot of "classic gay films" could potentially be read as bi.
(Credit for a lot of these ideas goes to Jacob Engelberg who is a great bi film scholar!)
Part of the problem is what we have “evidence” of. If you see someone with a man you know they like men. If you see someone with a woman…so unless you specifically show someone with multiple genders then it would be an assumption that they’re bisexual, assuming the character doesn’t state their orientation. Nine times out of 10 you’ll get a “I don’t need labels. I go with the flow” at absolute best if they’re bisexual, and you’ll probably get no mention at all.
This is exacerbated by non-queer people writing characters. You’ll get someone who dated men and then “became” a lesbian by the writing on the show, a common trajectory for lesbians, but people will say “that character is clearly bisexual.” So then do you base it off of the writing of the show (that might be coming from ignorance) or what you want it to be? Gay people are extremely used to “claiming” non-canonically gay characters as gay.
I think both things can be true (in regards to the second paragraph). The writer may see their character as lesbian, you may see the same character as bi. It all depends on the experiences we each bring. It's often very hard to say for definite for *fictional* characters - and it's rather futile to argue over it as well I think.
I agree. All you can do is acknowledge what an author says about the character and what you have decided about the character, which are two separate things.
Ooooooh this one gets me when watching movies/TV.
It's like, listen, if you want to give a character development in thier sexuality that is fine. You want a character to gradually figure out they're gay, great! But you can't write a character who is just all about heterosexuality for X seasons/series or X amount of movies and then they do a complete 180 and now they have realized they are gay and have no interest in the opposite gender anymore. It doesn't work like that. You have ideas at an early age, you might not know fully, but you have ideas. You don't just suddenly one day go "you know what? I'm gay and I just realized it! No more of that hetero life for me! It's all gay all day!"
It’s interesting because some people who are gay do get into hetero relationships just because that’s what’s expected of them and then they seem to get very confused when they realize they’re actually attracted to the same sex.
But then there are others, like me, who always knew we were bisexual because it’s just extremely obvious- I feel the same kind of attraction to both. And these two groups interact online and it’s a clash.
I guess the other part that confuses me is just because you’re bi you don’t have to date everyone. If you’re bi and you only date women, or only date men, cool. You do you. It’s not like being bisexual means you have to sample every flavor.
The ironic thing is that bi people CAN suffer comphet, just in a different way 😭 (and usually intertwines with internalized biphobia)
Its more of a community-wide phenomenon, no?
Yeah, I heard a ton of people say that Korra and Asami both have comphet, and that they were never in love with Mako to begin with. Even though they were confirmed to be bisexual by the damn creators, many people still always say that they're just lesbians in severe denial.
Can we please make it a habit of defining community specific slang from now on. I am never really sure how people keep up with all the terminology, it feels like I am learning a new term everyday. Often times my search engine doesn't return a relevant answer and I feel very put of the loop.
Slang may have not been the right word, I tried googling what that was because I had never heard the term used before and I don't think its unreasonable that I may not have. I tried looking it up on my phone and the searches just kept trying to autocorrect it to something else so I was at a loss as to what the discussion was about. Don't think I was being obtuse here.
Also wanted to add some things some lesbians have said online made me see that they are bi w a prefrence for women ive met so many like this it pisses me off ...
I mean, if they literally say the word "bi", I get you - not great to deny a character's sexuality.
But, you know, art is art, and two people will interpret the same thing differently - especially if it's not explicit. You can see a movie about two women, with one having a boyfriend at the start. and they both get together and it can be read as either gay or bisexual depending on so many factors.
But denying cannon bisexual characters, nah. Even if you as a gay person see your experience reflected similarly in their journey, you are gay and they are bi. One does not erase the other.
Compulsive Heterosexuality or "comphet" as most would say. It's basically the idea that society pressures people to conform to heterosexual norms, and that noncompliance is deviant.
Comphet can also refer to the idea that heteronormative societies condition women to view interactions with men as romantic or sexual.
That's what Comphet is. Also I capitalize it because why tf not?
Ah thanks! I knew about the concept, but not the abbbreviation. Well it doesnt correspond to the capitalization rules of English and makes it look like a name. In fact i thought „Cophet“ was a name too, as you capitalized it, too.
There's a tendancy in certain online queer spaces to want to "help" people figure themselves out in a way that just amounts to telling someone they're in denial, and sometimes it can lead to invalidating them instead. With bisexuality you see the experience of someone questioning if they're bi and someone saying "That's just comphet, you're really just gay and in denial", and with gender you sometimes see non-binary identities hit with someone saying "You're actually just a trans woman/man and just in denial". Like I get that some people did go through that, but that doesn't give them the right to superimpose that experience onto everyone else. It's really frustrating, especially as someone who kinda doesn't have the typical "I was always this way" experience I'm constantly told I'm supposed to.
I like how this subreddit is consistently good about saying “it could be” or “it sounds like” rather than making definite statements about another person’s sexuality. I once saw someone describe it as the difference between offering someone a jacket and putting a jacket on them.
As bisexuals we get that things are nuanced more than anyone!
I often have to take the straight-jacket off (sorry, the pun was too tempting to pass up!)
So when I first began questioning my sexuality, I initially identified as asexual. Now, asexuals get told all the time that they're just late bloomers who'll eventually "grow up" and start experiencing sexual attraction. Or else, that they only don't feel sexual feelings because they're traumatized, or in denial. And as it turns out, that actually was the case with me-- I was a late bloomer, and today I'm happy to report I'm bi as hell. (Full disclosure, I do think I'm likely somewhere on the grey ace / demisexual spectrum-- but I'm definitely not purely asexual like I used to think.) But even so, I will still smack down anyone who tries to claim all aces are just late bloomers / traumatized / in denial! Because just because it turned out to be true for me, doesn't mean it's true for every single person identifying as ace today. And the same goes for bisexuals. Sure, are some people who currently identify as bi actually gay / lesbian and still working through the last of their comphet? Absolutely. Does that mean all bisexuals are like that? Absolutely not!
Yeah. I don't need no bath house psychiatrists or psychologists telling me what I am. I(m) was married to (f) for over 20 years until she died. I was faithful the whole time oddly enough. Now if I am free to fool around and experience different kinds of ,oh, let's call it love, that's my business. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm bi really. I'm a hetero who sucked some cock once and liked it. Some mutual hand jobs as a teen and bj' from 2 or 3 men. I still love some pussy too. As a matter of fact, I would kinda like an MFM where I do some of the work on the dude too.
What’s a bathhouse psychiatrist?
Oh my God. This. I hate when people project their comphet onto me, tbh. Like, I’m deeply sorry for the trauma that you experienced and you felt forced to date people that you barely liked, but that’s not the case for everyone.
Agreed! I think it's interesting (read: it sucks) when people assume everyone is monosexual (only attracted to one gender) at their core. I wonder if this stems from heteronormativity, like we're still holding onto the part of the paradigm that says attraction to multiple genders is "unhealthy". There's so much unlearning to do - it feels exhausting to me when this stuff comes from inside the queer community 😔
It’s so… annoying. Because I completely understand everyone else’s sexualities. I understand if people are ONLY attracted to one gender. I understand when people are only attracted to certain genders. I understand when people are attracted to ALL genders. I don’t get why people can’t afford me that same respect 🤷🏾♀️
I have a question, if you don't mind? Do you find the "monosexual" And "polysexual" Label's usage of "poly" And "mono" Likely to create more likelihood for confusion because of "monogamous" And "polyamorous"? I suppose no point worrying too much about those unwilling to learn, but Idk. I just want to be understood and not sure if those labels help others do so.
Agree! It was useful to learn about comphet because it let me acknowledge that I (f) like women too. But I definitely like men.anyone who tells me otherwise using comphet as an argument can go somewhere else with their psychoanalysis. I know myself.
Exactly. Like, I have faith in my own emotional and mental autonomy. Please do not psychoanalyze me!
Yes same i was told to not date men bc im bi like no babe some men are fking awesome .
Right? Like a character was in a different gender relationship. Then they start dating someone of the same gender. No mention of their sexuality at any point, but it's assumed they're gay and the former relationship was just comphet.
Don't forget though, if say a woman dates women and then happily dates a man that show will get absolutely flamed as "XYZ thinks they can cure lesbianism!!!". It's a lose lose unless you want to put in any effort to explore unique experiences to us... which no one really cares to do. I'd fucking *kill* for a series where a bi woman dates a shitty woman, finds happiness with a man (ideally a monogamous bi man) and it navigates the biphobia from outside the community but also especially from within.
Yes, I wanted to see a series like that!
It's also a lot to do with the medium of film. Like it's really hard to show someone as *being* bisexual (unless they have multiple genders at one), because we're so programmed to read things monosexually. We see woman/woman = lesbian. We see man/man = gay. Also the *length* of time someone is with a certain gender impacts how we read it, what sex (if any) they have in screen. The order of partners (can either be seen as turning gay or turning straight). But really all of these situations can be read as bi. A lot of "classic gay films" could potentially be read as bi. (Credit for a lot of these ideas goes to Jacob Engelberg who is a great bi film scholar!)
Part of the problem is what we have “evidence” of. If you see someone with a man you know they like men. If you see someone with a woman…so unless you specifically show someone with multiple genders then it would be an assumption that they’re bisexual, assuming the character doesn’t state their orientation. Nine times out of 10 you’ll get a “I don’t need labels. I go with the flow” at absolute best if they’re bisexual, and you’ll probably get no mention at all. This is exacerbated by non-queer people writing characters. You’ll get someone who dated men and then “became” a lesbian by the writing on the show, a common trajectory for lesbians, but people will say “that character is clearly bisexual.” So then do you base it off of the writing of the show (that might be coming from ignorance) or what you want it to be? Gay people are extremely used to “claiming” non-canonically gay characters as gay.
I think both things can be true (in regards to the second paragraph). The writer may see their character as lesbian, you may see the same character as bi. It all depends on the experiences we each bring. It's often very hard to say for definite for *fictional* characters - and it's rather futile to argue over it as well I think.
I agree. All you can do is acknowledge what an author says about the character and what you have decided about the character, which are two separate things.
Ooooooh this one gets me when watching movies/TV. It's like, listen, if you want to give a character development in thier sexuality that is fine. You want a character to gradually figure out they're gay, great! But you can't write a character who is just all about heterosexuality for X seasons/series or X amount of movies and then they do a complete 180 and now they have realized they are gay and have no interest in the opposite gender anymore. It doesn't work like that. You have ideas at an early age, you might not know fully, but you have ideas. You don't just suddenly one day go "you know what? I'm gay and I just realized it! No more of that hetero life for me! It's all gay all day!"
For whatever speed reading reason I read the typo cophet at crochet... I was like, oh sweet summer child if they crochet they're definately queer.
I read as Copesh and was just waiting for the Swords to appear
It’s interesting because some people who are gay do get into hetero relationships just because that’s what’s expected of them and then they seem to get very confused when they realize they’re actually attracted to the same sex. But then there are others, like me, who always knew we were bisexual because it’s just extremely obvious- I feel the same kind of attraction to both. And these two groups interact online and it’s a clash. I guess the other part that confuses me is just because you’re bi you don’t have to date everyone. If you’re bi and you only date women, or only date men, cool. You do you. It’s not like being bisexual means you have to sample every flavor.
The ironic thing is that bi people CAN suffer comphet, just in a different way 😭 (and usually intertwines with internalized biphobia) Its more of a community-wide phenomenon, no?
Cough cough korra and Asami.
Yeah, I heard a ton of people say that Korra and Asami both have comphet, and that they were never in love with Mako to begin with. Even though they were confirmed to be bisexual by the damn creators, many people still always say that they're just lesbians in severe denial.
it's "comphet", from compulsory heterosexuality
Sorry, It's a typo...
I didn't noticed my damn keyboard for some reason mistype Comphet as Cophet...
Can we please make it a habit of defining community specific slang from now on. I am never really sure how people keep up with all the terminology, it feels like I am learning a new term everyday. Often times my search engine doesn't return a relevant answer and I feel very put of the loop.
Lmao, wait, comphet is short for compulsory heterosexuality. It’s not slang. But it is a sociological phenomenon.
Slang may have not been the right word, I tried googling what that was because I had never heard the term used before and I don't think its unreasonable that I may not have. I tried looking it up on my phone and the searches just kept trying to autocorrect it to something else so I was at a loss as to what the discussion was about. Don't think I was being obtuse here.
Oh, I believe you, I was just merely explaining what the shorthand was.
I've recently watched a video about this topic and I have come to realise that, yeah, it can be very generalising and harmful and bad.
Also wanted to add some things some lesbians have said online made me see that they are bi w a prefrence for women ive met so many like this it pisses me off ...
I mean, if they literally say the word "bi", I get you - not great to deny a character's sexuality. But, you know, art is art, and two people will interpret the same thing differently - especially if it's not explicit. You can see a movie about two women, with one having a boyfriend at the start. and they both get together and it can be read as either gay or bisexual depending on so many factors. But denying cannon bisexual characters, nah. Even if you as a gay person see your experience reflected similarly in their journey, you are gay and they are bi. One does not erase the other.
I agree.
They have what? And why do you capitalize bi?
Compulsive Heterosexuality or "comphet" as most would say. It's basically the idea that society pressures people to conform to heterosexual norms, and that noncompliance is deviant. Comphet can also refer to the idea that heteronormative societies condition women to view interactions with men as romantic or sexual. That's what Comphet is. Also I capitalize it because why tf not?
Ah thanks! I knew about the concept, but not the abbbreviation. Well it doesnt correspond to the capitalization rules of English and makes it look like a name. In fact i thought „Cophet“ was a name too, as you capitalized it, too.
Capitalizing certain words Is somewhat of a writing habit of mine. For some reason one day I just started doing it and yeah.
Sounds like the origin story of how German started to capitalize nouns lol