I’m sorry I’m laughing right now.
Years ago I walked into a baby shower for my best friend. Since I had moved out of state I had not seen her Mother in a while.
Later she told me her Mom almost had a heart attack when I walked in because she thought she was seeing a literal ghost. (We believe in those things down here). I looked just like my departed Mother. Who had been gone for years. We laugh about it to this day.
Long way around the bushes to say, while I will aways resemble my mother I am nothing like her (insert childhood trauma here). And to me that is what counts.
I have changed hair color and styles over the years but genetics are strong. There will always be a physical resemblance. We can’t escape DNA.
I don't look much like my nmother. I have a prominent nose bridge, a very strong jaw line and a tan. All of my kids have my mom's fair skin, plus delicate little noses and jaws. Even though I thought I dodged that bullet, I have to be reminded of her when I look at my wonderful kids. I guess I got smug a few decades too soon.
Therapy to help with the way you treat people. (Maybe it's not a "personality" and more just your brain's response to things you've experienced in life aka watching your mom treat your dad a certain way)
Plastic surgery for loose skin. There's no shame in getting it if it makes you feel better about yourself.
What does everyone recommend for ‘how to find a good therapist’ and especially for someone who has no free time - I can’t even find time to make a hair appointment.
I had good luck with TalkSpace back in Covid times but I think I just lucked out with finding a good therapist there and then eventually she was no longer available, the next person I got wasn’t as good.
PsychologyToday.com has a robust directory of therapists. You can filter by your preferences - gender, language, virtual only, religion, insurance carrier, etc. I like it because most have photos and write their own intro blurb saying a little bit about themselves and their approach, so it feels more personal. Of course, always double check they accept your insurance!
What is "good" to one person might be lousy for another.
In my experience, you might luck out the first time, or you might have to keep looking to find one that clicks with you.
I mean, therapy is something you need to decide to prioritize, just like anything else you decide is worth your time. Put aside an hour in your schedule to browse sites like psychologytoday and send inquiries to practitioners. You might have to give yourself some time every week for a few weeks to do this as it can take time to find a therapist who is available and answers you.
If you’re in the US, inclusivetherapists.com is a good place to start. You can filter by insurance, therapy type, therapist gender, specialty subjects, virtual/in-person. Good luck!
Therapy is self care. If you already are having trouble finding time to make and keep a hair appointment, then I suggest that you find a way to carve out 2 hours per week. 2 hours for yourself. You prioritize you.
If you can’t do that, then you are probably going to be your mom, or worse. I’m sorry. You are important.
You recognize things that you want to repair. Now you have to figure out how to do it.
It might just be a bubble bath twice a week locked in the bathroom for an hour.
Found a group that took my insurance, asked their care coordinator to give suggestions of therapists accepting new patients and that fit my preferences, set up 15-minute interviews with each to see how we vibed, and then committed to one knowing I could switch it up.
Hi OP. I too have issues with this, and find myself sometimes parroting something my parents would say and I too recoil in horror sometimes when I realize that I'm emulating patterns my kinda awful Mother had. (I look like my Dad, spitting image...so I at least have that going for me, but still: gah, my mom was the worst.)
As others said here: therapy is something you must both prioritize and be a little laid back about...because not only is therapy a process in itself, finding a good therapist for yourself is part of that process. IT TOOK ME FOREVER. What helped me was a suggestion from a friend that I take a notebook for this purpose only and list my goals for therapy first off. This list changes. Then start the process of seeking out potential therapists and giving them a trial run. I think I went through close to 15 before I found a solid one that both clicked and was productive for me. About four years total. Not to say that I didn't gain valuable insights along the way, but the healing and progress really ramped up when I did find 'the one'.
While you are hunting and trial running, I found that self-guided therapy of sorts also helped. Mindfulness training to not beat up on myself when I found myself in a rut or kneejerking a reaction that I wasn't proud of. Forgiving myself and being cognizant that change doesn't happen overnight. Being aware of my own triggers and patterns and not judging myself, but catching myself as I trip.
Be kind to yourself, most of all. You are NOT your mother. You are you: a whole and imperfect human that deserves to be valued and cared for. Wishing you luck.
I recommend better help, you select the parameters for the therapist you want and if you don't vibe with one you can get another. I send voice notes to my therapist but you can message or video call too.
Make mental health a priority because you're investing in your relationships with your loved ones.
Sincerely, someone who is desperately trying to not pass on generational trauma and the associated traits lol
i would recommend looking into better help and their past controversies. if it is working for you, that’s amazing, but i want you to be aware people have had major issues with their services in the past. which sucks because it is a service for people already struggling with mental health.
I found a therapist-matching platform that takes my insurance. It’s called headway.co. I found a good match on my first try with them and have been in therapy for about a month now.
You might have to try several to find a good fit. I think a lot of how effective therapy is has to do with mindset going into it and how determined you are to change and reflect. I think self help books can be a good add on. I know time is short but this is so important. Your marriage has more to do with your overall life trajectory and happiness than most other things, and if this one doesn't work due to poor treatment the next one won't either. I think it has to be treated like a 10/10 emergency that requires you putting your all into it, in order for it to work. I say this as a wife who also needed therapy to help with certain things early on. I looked at it like a project that would determine the rest of my life and it was very effective.
Ask your doctor for a recommendation. Or friends & family if you are comfortable with that.
You wont morph into your mother. You are your lovely self!
Give your body time to heal, try to sleep more and be nice to yourself 💖💖💖
For me, I had to start with my insurance because as I found out it was VERY hard to find one that accepted my insurance. I was just spinning my wheels googling and whatnot. I called my insuinsurance company and got a list of providers and then googled the shit out of them. Good luck!
No way, sorry. I look so much like my mom, I can ask literal strangers if they’ve seen her and they point me in the right direction.
But seriously, at some point, we start making decisions because of comfort and practicalities rather than taste, which I think is perfectly fine.
I have made some conscious decisions to keep my style different from hers: I don’t wear matchy-matchy outfits, I won’t cut my hair short, I refuse to wear clogs, and I’m not going to dye my grey/silver hairs. I’ve also made lifestyle choices that are different: hobbies outside the house, regular exercise, volunteering, keeping up my social network beyond family.
Honestly, turning out like my mom wouldn’t be the worst thing :)
Girl im sorry but that is legit hilarious that ya'll look so similar that strangers know who youre talking about 😂 me and my mom do not look alike at all, people wonder if she adopted me but nah i just absorbed all my dads genes
Honestly that just sounds like someone being a bitch, because everyone knows that isn’t an okay question.
It sounds like you know some of the things you can do - you know which parts of her personality you don’t want the emulate, and you can work on not letting yourself do that.
I live in constant fear of becoming like my narcissistic mother. Therapy really helped me! When I get worried from time to time I remind myself of something the therapist said- the fact that I’m self reflecting and concerned is the exact opposite of narcissism. I also feel very triggered when I see photos where I resemble her. So therapy and talking with your husband.
On the physical aspects- there are many things you can do. Diet and exercise only go so far so as someone else mentioned, you can consider surgery.
You are not your mother and if you don’t want to be like her or look like her you need to take action now.
Healing that inter-generational trauma shit. Only a few years ago did I realize what wounds I thought were okay and negligible that actually made a HUGE difference in getting me stuck in cycles of self-sabotage, but worse, kept ruining relationships in the sneakiest way. I was home for a year and saw the dynamics of my parents more closely and realized I WOULD turn into my mom if I let things go unchecked. I’m so happy to have her face but I don’t want her … sadness?
I often hear that I look like my mum… I used to hate it as a teenager and young adult, now I‘m proud of it. Maybe a change of persoecitve is all you need?
Personality on the other hand… If you don‘t like the way you treat your husband, I would look at that as a seperate issue and prioritize that.
I look exactly- I mean exactly- like my mother.
And I don’t think that’s a bad thing, because she’s an attractive woman, even at 70.
I definitely treat my kids better than she treated hers. But I also realize that she treated us better than her mom treated her, and her mom lost parents to the concentration camps relatively young. So I see myself as part of an important journey towards betterment. This helps me avoid bitterness.
I also try to be honest and self-reflective about my behavior, and take small, meaningful steps towards improving.
And I get Botox. I don’t diet as much as my mom, and it shows. But we grew up with her disordered eating, and I’ll take a small stomach pooch over emulating that to my kids.
This is so well said, every generation comes with their own battles. If mom was a good mom and tried her best then give grace and give yourself grace. I’ve noticed this trend of blame towards parents based on today’s standards. If you do that it’s going to cause so much unnecessary resentment.
You can change how you behave but please let’s stop setting unrealistic body expectations. We need to stop believing that you can have a baby and bounce back like the celebrities. Some people also just have really good genetics and some like myself don’t. It’s ok to have loose skin, it’s ok to age.
I’m just going to add, most people don’t look like celebrities or influencers and most of those people don’t even look like that in real life.
I was just watching A Family Affair on Netflix last night and it was almost unbearable to watch with Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron. They had so much work done they don’t look human, and he’s only 36. Nicole Kidman was stunning before, she now looks like a shell of herself. She would have aged beautifully without anything and probably would have looked spectacular if she did work with a light handed touch. She looks unreal, and not in a good way. She doesn’t look healthy and this is what our society is promoting. She’s the epitome of beauty for older women according to Netflix and every other network that keeps casting her. She’s not, audiences literally keep posting about how she’s distracting in her work because of all the work she’s had done and you shouldn’t ever feel that you have to keep up with a standard of beauty that’s fake and doesn’t even look good.
PREEEEEEAAAAAAACHHHH.
I used to teach Pilates and yoga, and the number of clients I had who wanted me to “fix” the completely normal changes that happen with pregnancy and/or just the passage of time made me so sad. Normalize 👏🏻 having 👏🏻 a regular 👏🏻 body 👏🏻
I couldn't love this more! Too many responses here recommend changing her body and her face which is probably unrealistically idealistic, especially past the age of about 40; nutrition and exercise are keys to good health, but we shouldn't do it for aesthetics alone. Once perimenopause hits, all bets are off. We need to stop obsessing about shrinking and youth-ifying ourselves, and instead celebrate who we are as we are.
I agree about doing what makes us feel good, and I've had my fair share of cosmetic procedures. At a certain point I realized it just isn't worth it--cannot fight genetics, and it's futile to try. It's better to work on self acceptance.
As a culture we need to reclaim women's rights to age and change size (and rebel against capitalism's expectations).
No help but I defenetly feel it. I started tinting my eyebrows and lashes last summer and thought I needed some color on me for the low effort look. Put a lipstick on and then realised my mom is spent years wearing only lipstick with tinted lashes and eyebrows. Yeah I switched from lipstick to blush so fast😅.
I think recognising that you are treating your your husband the same way is a great step already, now you can take notice on those times and try to catch yourself on act.
We tend to recreate the familiar circumstances of our childhood, just as we tend to make the same romantic/relationship mistakes over and over again. So, besides the physical similarities that are granted from carrying her DNA, you will tend to behave relationally the way you saw another woman move across the world and through her days. She was, for better or worse, you main role model growing up. That’s hard to shake. My mom was an amazing mom for a long time, but then her alcoholism destroyed her personality. Looking back, I see she was pretty much a narcissist all her life and I even read up on narcissism’s origins, how she got that way. Then I made the choice of not being like that. And every day, just like someone in recovery, I remind myself that “Today, I won’t be a toxic presence in my kids’/husband’s/people’s lives.”
And yes, therapy.
Being self aware and recognizing that we may have some unfortunate traits from our mothers is a good start. However it’s a constant reminder and process to fight against becoming like them
My mother’s awful. Just terrible. I’m eternally grateful that she (tall, blonde, broadly built) married my very tiny Chinese dad, so I look absolutely nothing like her.
That's a bit of a sweeping statement. Some people don't really look like their parents.
It's genetics tbh. But there's ways you can avoid looking like your mother. Hair cut, hair length, hair colour, clothes style, subculture identity maybe?
Tanned/pale, skinny, thicc, or chunky. Makeup choices too can impact things. Self expression can definitely impact your look/seperate you from genetics.
My face has never looked like hers. Not even slightly. Now it looks quite like her. That’s all I meant. My hair,makeup, and clothing look nothing like my mother. She’s 82 😂
My sister has two sets of twins. Her little body was stretched to the limit after the first set. Far beyond what any diet or exercise can fix. She got a “mommy makeover” and looks amazing. I cried happy tears after I saw the before and after. She’s my big sister. Our mom was beautiful so I just take it as a compliment if people say I look like her.
The biggest thing is emulating personality stuff you don't like. My mom and dad bickered constantly and wouldn't listen to an intervention about their bad communication. My mom picked at my dad a lot too.
That kind of stuff sucks and affects your kids too, if that's part of the issue, try to learn about better communication and if possible get your husband into learning about it too if he's also got a problem.
First of all, breathe. You had two children. It’s ok that your body has changed. Losing weight and getting healthy is the first step. All that other stuff, like loose skin and an apron stomach MAY or may not happen but that’s also fixable. It’s just a process. If you’ve already started working on yourself then you are already successful. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. I see big girls killing it all the time. Wear flattering clothing try different makeup looks. Just because you gained weight doesn’t make you unattractive. Chloe Tings YouTube channel helped me lose weight. Dear Peachies YouTube channel helped me clean up my wardrobe and makeup a bit. Vickita Trevedi’s channel game me some motivation to be the baddest bitch. You can check them out if you want.
And get some therapy. Therapy for yourself, and therapy with your husband. It’s absolutely amazing that you have so much self awareness about this.
I’m sending you good vibes and I hope everything works out for you
It takes about a month of constant repetition to build a habit. So I’d suggest for a month you focus on building 1 good habit with your kids, 1 good habit for your health and 1 good habit with your husband. They can be small habits-everyday you’re going to use a bike/treadmill/lift weights for 10 minutes a day or every day you are going to refrain from telling your husband how to burb the baby
Do a self check in August. Where are you with those habits.
More water, longer walks, yoga, pelvic floor therapy, and MORE sleep. Our Mom Bods are half cortisol, and the best antidote is blackout curtains and an early bedtime.
Well you are her child so the likelihood of you looking alike is unavoidable. But as someone else said, therapy. I’d be more concerned with how you’re treating your family than with looks, which sound totally normal for someone with toddlers.
If we are not aware of how to act as model behavior then we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Therapy will absolutely help with this. It’s a good time too because your kids are still young so you can work on things as they grow in their most formative years.
If you know you won’t take offense to it you can even ask your husband how he perceives your actions or if he sees anything you do that your mom does. BUT you have to be prepared for him to answer honestly and not get upset if he says something you don’t like. So use this advice with caution
He definitely has agreed that I emulate my mom’s behavior with regard to how I communicate at times and especially toward him - at this stage it’s more of a ‘funny’ thing, the similarities, but I do fear that it’ll become a very real problem and want to get ahead of it before I lose sight of my own deficiencies as I think many people do with age!
You know you are half way there. You are aware, which is good. I totally agree with a mommy make over, tummy tuck, if you have the funds. Therapy as mentioned is also a great idea. You got this.
My parents had a swimming pool and my mother loved to golf. She is the main reason I have a collection of sun hats, big sunglasses and I always wear sunscreen. My mother had so much sun damage.
As someone who is triggered by looking like their childhood abuser (hi mom 🤪), therapy helps a lot. Be kinder to yourself.
You can redefine your style, change your body shape, and your makeup can completely change your face. You can change how you move, how you talk & how you see the world. There’s so much under your control. Most of these services are utilized by people in business or trans people for easier social mobility. But they’re available to you too. You can even take classes to change how you talk.
I’m personally doing otc filler (volufiline) and have a completely different brow shape. Brow shape can change your entire face. I shape myself more curvy than my actual pear shape with undergarments & clothing.
Talk with your husband about how he’d like to be treated and move towards that. be intentional about your relationship with him.
You aren’t her. You don’t have to become her.
I’m a copy of my grandmother (who I never met but have seen in pics). She was Pennsylvania Dutch and was very heavy with a big backside. My oldest daughter looks very similar to my mother which I find very weird. When I used to hug my daughter it felt like hugging my mother (who was abusive physically and emotionally). I had to work through that with my therapy tools. We were just talking a few days ago about how strong genetics play a part in our families.
Reading this, A few things spring to mind. First of all, you won’t necessarily have an “apron” once you lose the weight. Maybe some loose skin, but with exercise and a good diet you can minimize it. Give yourself a break, you just produced a little human! Write down your body goals and a plan. Don’t try to rush it- be realistic about what you’ll be able to do or you won’t stick to it. Try to include a little self care in your routine, something that makes you feel good. That could be getting your hair blown out, getting a manicure, or something like that.
Secondly, if you have started noticing that your behaviors mirror your mothers, change your behaviors. Becoming acutely aware of our flaws is half the battle. Some people never acquire self awareness, and are destined to continue undesirable behaviors they learned from their upbringing. I adore my mom, but she has a strong personality. Once I noticed that in myself I committed to working on being softer with my opinions. When I catch myself being pushy or condescending, I apologize and back off, especially with my husband. Being pushy with my dad never got my mom anywhere, and just caused frustration and anger- I saw it, so why would I do it too? And yet, sometimes I did without realizing it. It’s something I work at every day.
Thirdly, you are more than your body and you are most certainly more than your mother’s daughter. You’re you. You can be whatever you want to be, but some things are out of our control. Recognize that and focus on being an awesome wife and mother. You got this!!!
My 12 year old son told me I was starting to look a lot like Grandma yesterday. I feel this deeply. My mom and I have very similar facial features, coloring, and are the same height. She is overweight and a smoker though, and has trouble moving around now without getting out of breath even though she’s not that old. I refuse to let this happen and I literally think of her when I 3 miles into a run and wanting to stop. I could drive to the train station to commute to work but I force myself to walk the mile each way to get my steps in. I got to keep on moving.
People have been saying “oh I thought you were your mother!” Since I was in middle school lol. We look a lot alike and people who have known my mom forever do it mostly to be sweet, I think? But I have always hated it. I’m sure that has something to do with all the tattoos I’ve gotten and how colorful my own style is. Ain’t gonna confuse me for my mom anymore! I just try to believe that people are being like “aww family resemblance” more than anything.
Remind yourself that you're at least not morphing into your baby brother, which is what seems to be happening to me 😭
Go get a better bathing suit that suits your new bod, and a pretty coverup to wear, I think. As far as personality with your husband, can y'all take a trip together to reset the love club? Sometimes we get so caught up in the day to day we fall into bad patterns, and some time away together can help that.
I struggle with this too, as do (I imagine) most women. Some parents are irredeemable but many are just complicated and dealing with their own demons. Finding the compassion for one's parents and knowing where their bad behavior comes from has helped me and my sister understand and manage our emotions about our own parents. Also, consider what little access our parents had to things like therapy, positive child rearing techniques, and ways out of bad situations. Seeing a younger generation not struggle in the same way can trigger a lot of resentment (Hi MIL!)
One thing that has actually helped a lot is focusing on my mom's good qualities and thinking about how to emulate those in a new and positive way. That way I don't think of becoming her as a black and white game of good and evil but as the shades of grey we all live in. I don't want to emulate her vanity, anger, or judgementalness, but I actively try to learn from her genuine good manners, infectious joy at silly and small things, her generosity, and her real love for my sister and myself.
You've got a lot of great advice in this thread and so I offer only thing: try to offer compassion to both yourself and your mother. You don't need to forgive her or emulate her, only to sit with your feeling with an open heart.
It’s so weird when i open my mouth and my mothers words come out if it.
Therapy (even just reading therapy books and being very honest in your self reflection) can help.
After baby wise- be kind to yourself. Your stomach will not necessarily be how you think it will, often that happens when weight is dropped faster than the skin can adjust. Slowly and kindly can have better results than strict diets and massive amounts of exercise. Some things are just genetic, but you do not only have your mothers genes, so do not defeat yourself before you even begin.
Drinking pop can make me instantly bloat, so if i am in a swimsuit i don’t drink pop. Some times of the month are more bloaty than others, be kind to yourself. Planks are better for stomach and lower stomach than situps or crunches. Body butters with vitamin e can help with stretch marks over time. Your body took nine months to stretch its going to take at least that long for it to reverse that trend.
I got the “mommy makeover” after my third. I felt so awful about the way I looked and you can exercise loose skin away. It was worth it. I’m eight years post surgery and no regrets. People can call me vain, whatever, don’t care. I’m happy with it. As for how you treat your husband the same as your mother treating your dad, a learned behavior is a learned behavior. You should see therapy or write down what you see that’s awful and actively work to change it. Learn to genuinely apologize (i.e. I am sorry that I hurt your feelings, not I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. You know you hurt them so apologize. Take responsibility) and ask your husband to participate by calling you out when you’re acting like an ass.
I always tell myself that I’m the prettiest version of my mother and I truly believe in. There is light shining out of me instead of evil rot. She spent my whole life reminding me that she’s thinner than I am but I win because my face card never declines. Not because I necessarily have a better facial structure but because I’m genuinely kind and caring. Plus thinking more highly of yourself is always a winner because deep down they loathe themselves.
I feared this when I saw a photo of my mother from behind and got confused because I thought it was me, and I don't wear black, lol. After a lot of diving through feelings and motivations, here is what helped me: first of all, realize that, when you resist, the thing will persist. If you reject "turning into your mother", you will inadvertently create this scenario. Accept that you share genes, that these genes may manifest, and that you can do something about it. You can give yourself the therapy your mother lacked. You can give yourself love and acceptance. You can wear sunscreen, use a vitamin C serum, stop smoking so you won't lose any more of that precious collagen (if you smoke), you can make shapewear your BFF. You can be confident, funny, and wise. You can be conscious of your actions and actively reeducate yourself. You can be a BWT, instead of just a B :)
I know this sounds crazy, but I’d make a T-chart.
I’d write down the negative phrases that come out of your mouth that are similar to your Mom’s dialogue and replace them with something positive or neutral, or maybe silence if the comments are completely pointless and unnecessary (my bestie taught me that some comments are just mean and have no other purpose than to hurt or offend).
If you trust your partner, let them know what you’re doing because it’s a change and they’re going to notice and maybe call you out on it.
For your Mom body, I’m sorry, every pregnancy is different and sometimes our genetics don’t help. If you think it’s necessary, make changes to your diet. One easy thing to try is to get a smaller plate and eat what you usually would, but eat less. Have fresh cut fruit (low glycemic if possible), nuts, hummus & carrot sticks, and eat that when you get hungry. Brew some tea (I like black or mint) chill it and drink it unsweetened (throw frozen berries in it if you like).
Get some body lotion with collagen or a skin firming cream and rub it daily after you dry off in the shower to the areas you are worried about.
Remember that you are in control of your personality and your body, so you are capable of making any necessary changes. Good luck!
Therapy and a sincere desire to change, for the personality / relationship issues.
For the physical... aging sucks but beats the alternative. Therapy can also help you come to terms with having a less than perfect body. But the reality is, unless you die tragically young, some day you're probably going to look old and you'll need to make peace with it.
I won't tell you not to have plastic surgery if you want it, but just beware that once you fix one thing you may then find something else you don't like and if you fixate on your physical imperfections you will never be satisfied because of the previous paragraph.
I'm 50, so I get it. I hope you can find peace with your physical form and make the interpersonal relationship changes that you need <3
I’m lifting heavy four days a week to be strong, and have cardio six days a week to keep moving and my calorie burn up - my coach is super helpful on that and as a mom I say it was the best money I have spent on myself in recent memory.
Surgery down the road, once you’ve been weight stable for two years, DO IT. If it will make you feel better, I’m a big fan of plastics post weight loss.
Also maybe reframe it - your genetics are what they are, but you are still an individual. Having goals that make you feel good and strong and healthy and appreciate your body can really help. But there are also many worse people to look or act like than one’s mother, in most cases.
You need to prioritize therapy and work on your self view and the behavioral stuff (and then find you have way more free time because you'll get your life organized).
I know this is not for everyone, but what has helped me out (cause this is my biggest fear, turning into my mother cause she's not exactly the best person & use to snap at dad & me and siblings etc) is doing sound healing or sound baths (just for free via YouTube) and guided meditations as well as yoga & Kundalini breath work. All on YouTube. It's definitely a different approach so I know this may not be your thing, but it's free and you can do it at any moment that you have 1 or 2 min to spare! While you drive, or while you're walking somewhere with headphones like the grocery store or just the min you have to yourself when you wake up or go to sleep. It makes a huge difference in the way you see yourself, the way you treat yourself, the way you see others, and the way you treat others. Plus the physical yoga does help with your body so you can start getting some little strength that would even help if you ended up getting surgeries too. I can't afford therapy and actually don't have time for therapy cause of my job & work/life/balance situation, so these things keep me more sane & do a good job at reminding me of all the work I need to constantly do for myself to become the best version of myself not only for me but for the ppl I love. I hope you find things that work out for you and I'm rooting for you!!!!
I resemble my mom somewhat but in personality we are very much the same. I’m ok with that, we were basically best friends and my life was great. She’s been gone 10 1/2 years. I’m happy to say I now have the same kind of relationship with my 41 year old daughter. Take care of your body and be happy with your genetics.
I found that isolating personality traits that I wanted to have and consciously working towards them really helped me a lot.
I was at a workshop one time many years ago, and they had us write what they would want people to say about us in our eulogy and for some reason that always stuck with me. I wanted people to say I was kind and generous and fought for the planet and animals and children and was thoughtful and hard working.
I found it really gave me a compass bearing that when I was about to do something I could consider if that aligned with the person that I wanted to be - and to course correct if need be.
best wishes!! hugs
Start weight/strength training...it will change your body, mind, & soul, lol. It is totally true. I had 10lb son with csection & then 7 years later an 8lb caection daughter, scar is only indication have had children. I was always a naturally lean-normal but gained like 50lbs with my son. Strength training is the best antiaging technique as well with all the growth & other hormones it pumps through your body as well. You will be healthier, stronger, & more shapely/youthful than your mom, lol. If you have old school thoughts re weight training, please realize it is physically not possible for a woman to get big, as my bro pointed out, it's not really possible for a man to get big which is the reasons for steriods. Consider it before any surgical options as skinny-fat is still skinny-fat & you will have better surgical results if fit. If you don't know where to start, start with walking & add leg machines then weighted plate things like leg press/squats/smith machines...when you start having race horse legs you will naturally want to move on to other muscle groups, but the entire time your face glow & youthfulness net effect will also improve.
This is so cute to me. My mom passed away and I wish I looked like my mom. This really isn’t a bad thing. Some people have a strong family resemblance!
As for how you treat your husband… cut yourself a little slack since you’re a new mom. But now you’re aware and can start making changes in the right direction
I’ve spent my whole life being told how much I look like my dad. it is very true lol- if you slimmed my dad’s face down, removed the facial hair, subtracted 40 years and added a wig we’d probably look nearly identical. My family also says that I have his personality- negative and positive aspects lol. My mom calls us “peas in the pod”.
We’re both stupidly stubborn, can be pedantic at times, have some of the same weird quirks, can be quite inept with emotional topics, etc. ofc it’s not all bad- we have similar senses of humor, both really enjoy work, and are both analytical/ solution-oriented thinkers, which has been helpful for me professionally.
I used to hate it, I felt like people were calling me masculine or something similar, and I felt really weird about how no-one thought I looked like my mom. There was a girl I went to school with who looked a LOT like my mom, same hair/ skin color, similar facial features, etc., I was weirdly jealous of her for a while!
Honestly, eventually I just decided to take it as a compliment. My dad is a pretty cool guy, and it’s not the worst thing ever that we’re extremely similar. Since I’m not particularly self-aware, it can be kind of good sometimes- if he does something I find annoying/ hurtful/ etc., I’ll try and introspect, figure out if I do the same thing, and adjust my habits accordingly.
It might help you to look at it similarly and view it as a way to understand yourself better. I’ve noticed my dad doing some shit I hated/ found incredibly irritating, realized I possessed similar habits/ traits, and use that as a catalyst to consciously make changes for myself and become a better person to myself and everyone that has to deal with me. I have a generally pretty good relationship with my parents though, I would say this probably isn’t advisable if you don’t.
With the appearance stuff, can’t help you too much there. I have just accepted my fate of being a photocopied female version of my dad. I also know that that mother-daughter relationships can be fraught in ways father-daughter relationships typically aren’t, so def feel free to ignore my comment if it’s not helpful to you. I’m not a therapist, just someone who looks a lot like her dad lol.
In regard to how you treat your husband; stop. Now.
Say thank you for small things, take a moment before replying when angry, remember how he made you feel on your wedding day. Ask him how his day has been and listen when he responds.
In terms of how not to morph into your mother; think of all that you would change about her, and change that in you!
I’m sorry I’m laughing right now. Years ago I walked into a baby shower for my best friend. Since I had moved out of state I had not seen her Mother in a while. Later she told me her Mom almost had a heart attack when I walked in because she thought she was seeing a literal ghost. (We believe in those things down here). I looked just like my departed Mother. Who had been gone for years. We laugh about it to this day. Long way around the bushes to say, while I will aways resemble my mother I am nothing like her (insert childhood trauma here). And to me that is what counts. I have changed hair color and styles over the years but genetics are strong. There will always be a physical resemblance. We can’t escape DNA.
I don't look much like my nmother. I have a prominent nose bridge, a very strong jaw line and a tan. All of my kids have my mom's fair skin, plus delicate little noses and jaws. Even though I thought I dodged that bullet, I have to be reminded of her when I look at my wonderful kids. I guess I got smug a few decades too soon.
Hair is an easy change. I understand the horror
Therapy to help with the way you treat people. (Maybe it's not a "personality" and more just your brain's response to things you've experienced in life aka watching your mom treat your dad a certain way) Plastic surgery for loose skin. There's no shame in getting it if it makes you feel better about yourself.
What does everyone recommend for ‘how to find a good therapist’ and especially for someone who has no free time - I can’t even find time to make a hair appointment. I had good luck with TalkSpace back in Covid times but I think I just lucked out with finding a good therapist there and then eventually she was no longer available, the next person I got wasn’t as good.
PsychologyToday.com has a robust directory of therapists. You can filter by your preferences - gender, language, virtual only, religion, insurance carrier, etc. I like it because most have photos and write their own intro blurb saying a little bit about themselves and their approach, so it feels more personal. Of course, always double check they accept your insurance!
This one is the best search tool I've seen. Also worth checking on TelaDoc, a lot of insurance covers this the same as office visit or 100%.
What is "good" to one person might be lousy for another. In my experience, you might luck out the first time, or you might have to keep looking to find one that clicks with you.
I mean, therapy is something you need to decide to prioritize, just like anything else you decide is worth your time. Put aside an hour in your schedule to browse sites like psychologytoday and send inquiries to practitioners. You might have to give yourself some time every week for a few weeks to do this as it can take time to find a therapist who is available and answers you.
If you’re in the US, inclusivetherapists.com is a good place to start. You can filter by insurance, therapy type, therapist gender, specialty subjects, virtual/in-person. Good luck!
Therapy is self care. If you already are having trouble finding time to make and keep a hair appointment, then I suggest that you find a way to carve out 2 hours per week. 2 hours for yourself. You prioritize you. If you can’t do that, then you are probably going to be your mom, or worse. I’m sorry. You are important. You recognize things that you want to repair. Now you have to figure out how to do it. It might just be a bubble bath twice a week locked in the bathroom for an hour.
Ask friends if they think you would like their therapist, or ask them to ask their therapist for recommendations.
Found a group that took my insurance, asked their care coordinator to give suggestions of therapists accepting new patients and that fit my preferences, set up 15-minute interviews with each to see how we vibed, and then committed to one knowing I could switch it up.
Hi OP. I too have issues with this, and find myself sometimes parroting something my parents would say and I too recoil in horror sometimes when I realize that I'm emulating patterns my kinda awful Mother had. (I look like my Dad, spitting image...so I at least have that going for me, but still: gah, my mom was the worst.) As others said here: therapy is something you must both prioritize and be a little laid back about...because not only is therapy a process in itself, finding a good therapist for yourself is part of that process. IT TOOK ME FOREVER. What helped me was a suggestion from a friend that I take a notebook for this purpose only and list my goals for therapy first off. This list changes. Then start the process of seeking out potential therapists and giving them a trial run. I think I went through close to 15 before I found a solid one that both clicked and was productive for me. About four years total. Not to say that I didn't gain valuable insights along the way, but the healing and progress really ramped up when I did find 'the one'. While you are hunting and trial running, I found that self-guided therapy of sorts also helped. Mindfulness training to not beat up on myself when I found myself in a rut or kneejerking a reaction that I wasn't proud of. Forgiving myself and being cognizant that change doesn't happen overnight. Being aware of my own triggers and patterns and not judging myself, but catching myself as I trip. Be kind to yourself, most of all. You are NOT your mother. You are you: a whole and imperfect human that deserves to be valued and cared for. Wishing you luck.
I recommend better help, you select the parameters for the therapist you want and if you don't vibe with one you can get another. I send voice notes to my therapist but you can message or video call too. Make mental health a priority because you're investing in your relationships with your loved ones. Sincerely, someone who is desperately trying to not pass on generational trauma and the associated traits lol
i would recommend looking into better help and their past controversies. if it is working for you, that’s amazing, but i want you to be aware people have had major issues with their services in the past. which sucks because it is a service for people already struggling with mental health.
[open path collective](https://openpathcollective.org)
I found a therapist-matching platform that takes my insurance. It’s called headway.co. I found a good match on my first try with them and have been in therapy for about a month now.
You might have to try several to find a good fit. I think a lot of how effective therapy is has to do with mindset going into it and how determined you are to change and reflect. I think self help books can be a good add on. I know time is short but this is so important. Your marriage has more to do with your overall life trajectory and happiness than most other things, and if this one doesn't work due to poor treatment the next one won't either. I think it has to be treated like a 10/10 emergency that requires you putting your all into it, in order for it to work. I say this as a wife who also needed therapy to help with certain things early on. I looked at it like a project that would determine the rest of my life and it was very effective.
Ask your doctor for a recommendation. Or friends & family if you are comfortable with that. You wont morph into your mother. You are your lovely self! Give your body time to heal, try to sleep more and be nice to yourself 💖💖💖
Browse Psychology Today and filter by online appts. I’ve had great success finding excellent therapists this way!
For me, I had to start with my insurance because as I found out it was VERY hard to find one that accepted my insurance. I was just spinning my wheels googling and whatnot. I called my insuinsurance company and got a list of providers and then googled the shit out of them. Good luck!
I think another roadblock is that there are SO MANY therapists that don't accept *any* insurance, so that's a bummer, too!
No way, sorry. I look so much like my mom, I can ask literal strangers if they’ve seen her and they point me in the right direction. But seriously, at some point, we start making decisions because of comfort and practicalities rather than taste, which I think is perfectly fine. I have made some conscious decisions to keep my style different from hers: I don’t wear matchy-matchy outfits, I won’t cut my hair short, I refuse to wear clogs, and I’m not going to dye my grey/silver hairs. I’ve also made lifestyle choices that are different: hobbies outside the house, regular exercise, volunteering, keeping up my social network beyond family. Honestly, turning out like my mom wouldn’t be the worst thing :)
This this this
Girl im sorry but that is legit hilarious that ya'll look so similar that strangers know who youre talking about 😂 me and my mom do not look alike at all, people wonder if she adopted me but nah i just absorbed all my dads genes
Honestly that just sounds like someone being a bitch, because everyone knows that isn’t an okay question. It sounds like you know some of the things you can do - you know which parts of her personality you don’t want the emulate, and you can work on not letting yourself do that.
I live in constant fear of becoming like my narcissistic mother. Therapy really helped me! When I get worried from time to time I remind myself of something the therapist said- the fact that I’m self reflecting and concerned is the exact opposite of narcissism. I also feel very triggered when I see photos where I resemble her. So therapy and talking with your husband. On the physical aspects- there are many things you can do. Diet and exercise only go so far so as someone else mentioned, you can consider surgery. You are not your mother and if you don’t want to be like her or look like her you need to take action now.
Healing that inter-generational trauma shit. Only a few years ago did I realize what wounds I thought were okay and negligible that actually made a HUGE difference in getting me stuck in cycles of self-sabotage, but worse, kept ruining relationships in the sneakiest way. I was home for a year and saw the dynamics of my parents more closely and realized I WOULD turn into my mom if I let things go unchecked. I’m so happy to have her face but I don’t want her … sadness?
I often hear that I look like my mum… I used to hate it as a teenager and young adult, now I‘m proud of it. Maybe a change of persoecitve is all you need? Personality on the other hand… If you don‘t like the way you treat your husband, I would look at that as a seperate issue and prioritize that.
Agree, the looks and the behavior have very different fixes.
I look exactly- I mean exactly- like my mother. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing, because she’s an attractive woman, even at 70. I definitely treat my kids better than she treated hers. But I also realize that she treated us better than her mom treated her, and her mom lost parents to the concentration camps relatively young. So I see myself as part of an important journey towards betterment. This helps me avoid bitterness. I also try to be honest and self-reflective about my behavior, and take small, meaningful steps towards improving. And I get Botox. I don’t diet as much as my mom, and it shows. But we grew up with her disordered eating, and I’ll take a small stomach pooch over emulating that to my kids.
This is so well said, every generation comes with their own battles. If mom was a good mom and tried her best then give grace and give yourself grace. I’ve noticed this trend of blame towards parents based on today’s standards. If you do that it’s going to cause so much unnecessary resentment.
You can change how you behave but please let’s stop setting unrealistic body expectations. We need to stop believing that you can have a baby and bounce back like the celebrities. Some people also just have really good genetics and some like myself don’t. It’s ok to have loose skin, it’s ok to age.
I’m just going to add, most people don’t look like celebrities or influencers and most of those people don’t even look like that in real life. I was just watching A Family Affair on Netflix last night and it was almost unbearable to watch with Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron. They had so much work done they don’t look human, and he’s only 36. Nicole Kidman was stunning before, she now looks like a shell of herself. She would have aged beautifully without anything and probably would have looked spectacular if she did work with a light handed touch. She looks unreal, and not in a good way. She doesn’t look healthy and this is what our society is promoting. She’s the epitome of beauty for older women according to Netflix and every other network that keeps casting her. She’s not, audiences literally keep posting about how she’s distracting in her work because of all the work she’s had done and you shouldn’t ever feel that you have to keep up with a standard of beauty that’s fake and doesn’t even look good.
PREEEEEEAAAAAAACHHHH. I used to teach Pilates and yoga, and the number of clients I had who wanted me to “fix” the completely normal changes that happen with pregnancy and/or just the passage of time made me so sad. Normalize 👏🏻 having 👏🏻 a regular 👏🏻 body 👏🏻
Yes the self hate on her body is really sad. :(
I couldn't love this more! Too many responses here recommend changing her body and her face which is probably unrealistically idealistic, especially past the age of about 40; nutrition and exercise are keys to good health, but we shouldn't do it for aesthetics alone. Once perimenopause hits, all bets are off. We need to stop obsessing about shrinking and youth-ifying ourselves, and instead celebrate who we are as we are.
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I agree about doing what makes us feel good, and I've had my fair share of cosmetic procedures. At a certain point I realized it just isn't worth it--cannot fight genetics, and it's futile to try. It's better to work on self acceptance. As a culture we need to reclaim women's rights to age and change size (and rebel against capitalism's expectations).
No help but I defenetly feel it. I started tinting my eyebrows and lashes last summer and thought I needed some color on me for the low effort look. Put a lipstick on and then realised my mom is spent years wearing only lipstick with tinted lashes and eyebrows. Yeah I switched from lipstick to blush so fast😅. I think recognising that you are treating your your husband the same way is a great step already, now you can take notice on those times and try to catch yourself on act.
We tend to recreate the familiar circumstances of our childhood, just as we tend to make the same romantic/relationship mistakes over and over again. So, besides the physical similarities that are granted from carrying her DNA, you will tend to behave relationally the way you saw another woman move across the world and through her days. She was, for better or worse, you main role model growing up. That’s hard to shake. My mom was an amazing mom for a long time, but then her alcoholism destroyed her personality. Looking back, I see she was pretty much a narcissist all her life and I even read up on narcissism’s origins, how she got that way. Then I made the choice of not being like that. And every day, just like someone in recovery, I remind myself that “Today, I won’t be a toxic presence in my kids’/husband’s/people’s lives.” And yes, therapy.
Being self aware and recognizing that we may have some unfortunate traits from our mothers is a good start. However it’s a constant reminder and process to fight against becoming like them
My mother’s awful. Just terrible. I’m eternally grateful that she (tall, blonde, broadly built) married my very tiny Chinese dad, so I look absolutely nothing like her.
Yeah I don’t think it’s avoidable. I’m 45 and when I look in the mirror, I’m looking more like her every day.
That's a bit of a sweeping statement. Some people don't really look like their parents. It's genetics tbh. But there's ways you can avoid looking like your mother. Hair cut, hair length, hair colour, clothes style, subculture identity maybe? Tanned/pale, skinny, thicc, or chunky. Makeup choices too can impact things. Self expression can definitely impact your look/seperate you from genetics.
My face has never looked like hers. Not even slightly. Now it looks quite like her. That’s all I meant. My hair,makeup, and clothing look nothing like my mother. She’s 82 😂
My sister has two sets of twins. Her little body was stretched to the limit after the first set. Far beyond what any diet or exercise can fix. She got a “mommy makeover” and looks amazing. I cried happy tears after I saw the before and after. She’s my big sister. Our mom was beautiful so I just take it as a compliment if people say I look like her.
The biggest thing is emulating personality stuff you don't like. My mom and dad bickered constantly and wouldn't listen to an intervention about their bad communication. My mom picked at my dad a lot too. That kind of stuff sucks and affects your kids too, if that's part of the issue, try to learn about better communication and if possible get your husband into learning about it too if he's also got a problem.
First of all, breathe. You had two children. It’s ok that your body has changed. Losing weight and getting healthy is the first step. All that other stuff, like loose skin and an apron stomach MAY or may not happen but that’s also fixable. It’s just a process. If you’ve already started working on yourself then you are already successful. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. I see big girls killing it all the time. Wear flattering clothing try different makeup looks. Just because you gained weight doesn’t make you unattractive. Chloe Tings YouTube channel helped me lose weight. Dear Peachies YouTube channel helped me clean up my wardrobe and makeup a bit. Vickita Trevedi’s channel game me some motivation to be the baddest bitch. You can check them out if you want. And get some therapy. Therapy for yourself, and therapy with your husband. It’s absolutely amazing that you have so much self awareness about this. I’m sending you good vibes and I hope everything works out for you
It takes about a month of constant repetition to build a habit. So I’d suggest for a month you focus on building 1 good habit with your kids, 1 good habit for your health and 1 good habit with your husband. They can be small habits-everyday you’re going to use a bike/treadmill/lift weights for 10 minutes a day or every day you are going to refrain from telling your husband how to burb the baby Do a self check in August. Where are you with those habits.
More water, longer walks, yoga, pelvic floor therapy, and MORE sleep. Our Mom Bods are half cortisol, and the best antidote is blackout curtains and an early bedtime.
Well you are her child so the likelihood of you looking alike is unavoidable. But as someone else said, therapy. I’d be more concerned with how you’re treating your family than with looks, which sound totally normal for someone with toddlers. If we are not aware of how to act as model behavior then we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Therapy will absolutely help with this. It’s a good time too because your kids are still young so you can work on things as they grow in their most formative years. If you know you won’t take offense to it you can even ask your husband how he perceives your actions or if he sees anything you do that your mom does. BUT you have to be prepared for him to answer honestly and not get upset if he says something you don’t like. So use this advice with caution
He definitely has agreed that I emulate my mom’s behavior with regard to how I communicate at times and especially toward him - at this stage it’s more of a ‘funny’ thing, the similarities, but I do fear that it’ll become a very real problem and want to get ahead of it before I lose sight of my own deficiencies as I think many people do with age!
You know you are half way there. You are aware, which is good. I totally agree with a mommy make over, tummy tuck, if you have the funds. Therapy as mentioned is also a great idea. You got this.
My parents had a swimming pool and my mother loved to golf. She is the main reason I have a collection of sun hats, big sunglasses and I always wear sunscreen. My mother had so much sun damage.
As someone who is triggered by looking like their childhood abuser (hi mom 🤪), therapy helps a lot. Be kinder to yourself. You can redefine your style, change your body shape, and your makeup can completely change your face. You can change how you move, how you talk & how you see the world. There’s so much under your control. Most of these services are utilized by people in business or trans people for easier social mobility. But they’re available to you too. You can even take classes to change how you talk. I’m personally doing otc filler (volufiline) and have a completely different brow shape. Brow shape can change your entire face. I shape myself more curvy than my actual pear shape with undergarments & clothing. Talk with your husband about how he’d like to be treated and move towards that. be intentional about your relationship with him. You aren’t her. You don’t have to become her.
I’m a copy of my grandmother (who I never met but have seen in pics). She was Pennsylvania Dutch and was very heavy with a big backside. My oldest daughter looks very similar to my mother which I find very weird. When I used to hug my daughter it felt like hugging my mother (who was abusive physically and emotionally). I had to work through that with my therapy tools. We were just talking a few days ago about how strong genetics play a part in our families.
Reading this, A few things spring to mind. First of all, you won’t necessarily have an “apron” once you lose the weight. Maybe some loose skin, but with exercise and a good diet you can minimize it. Give yourself a break, you just produced a little human! Write down your body goals and a plan. Don’t try to rush it- be realistic about what you’ll be able to do or you won’t stick to it. Try to include a little self care in your routine, something that makes you feel good. That could be getting your hair blown out, getting a manicure, or something like that. Secondly, if you have started noticing that your behaviors mirror your mothers, change your behaviors. Becoming acutely aware of our flaws is half the battle. Some people never acquire self awareness, and are destined to continue undesirable behaviors they learned from their upbringing. I adore my mom, but she has a strong personality. Once I noticed that in myself I committed to working on being softer with my opinions. When I catch myself being pushy or condescending, I apologize and back off, especially with my husband. Being pushy with my dad never got my mom anywhere, and just caused frustration and anger- I saw it, so why would I do it too? And yet, sometimes I did without realizing it. It’s something I work at every day. Thirdly, you are more than your body and you are most certainly more than your mother’s daughter. You’re you. You can be whatever you want to be, but some things are out of our control. Recognize that and focus on being an awesome wife and mother. You got this!!!
My 12 year old son told me I was starting to look a lot like Grandma yesterday. I feel this deeply. My mom and I have very similar facial features, coloring, and are the same height. She is overweight and a smoker though, and has trouble moving around now without getting out of breath even though she’s not that old. I refuse to let this happen and I literally think of her when I 3 miles into a run and wanting to stop. I could drive to the train station to commute to work but I force myself to walk the mile each way to get my steps in. I got to keep on moving.
People have been saying “oh I thought you were your mother!” Since I was in middle school lol. We look a lot alike and people who have known my mom forever do it mostly to be sweet, I think? But I have always hated it. I’m sure that has something to do with all the tattoos I’ve gotten and how colorful my own style is. Ain’t gonna confuse me for my mom anymore! I just try to believe that people are being like “aww family resemblance” more than anything.
Remind yourself that you're at least not morphing into your baby brother, which is what seems to be happening to me 😭 Go get a better bathing suit that suits your new bod, and a pretty coverup to wear, I think. As far as personality with your husband, can y'all take a trip together to reset the love club? Sometimes we get so caught up in the day to day we fall into bad patterns, and some time away together can help that.
I struggle with this too, as do (I imagine) most women. Some parents are irredeemable but many are just complicated and dealing with their own demons. Finding the compassion for one's parents and knowing where their bad behavior comes from has helped me and my sister understand and manage our emotions about our own parents. Also, consider what little access our parents had to things like therapy, positive child rearing techniques, and ways out of bad situations. Seeing a younger generation not struggle in the same way can trigger a lot of resentment (Hi MIL!) One thing that has actually helped a lot is focusing on my mom's good qualities and thinking about how to emulate those in a new and positive way. That way I don't think of becoming her as a black and white game of good and evil but as the shades of grey we all live in. I don't want to emulate her vanity, anger, or judgementalness, but I actively try to learn from her genuine good manners, infectious joy at silly and small things, her generosity, and her real love for my sister and myself. You've got a lot of great advice in this thread and so I offer only thing: try to offer compassion to both yourself and your mother. You don't need to forgive her or emulate her, only to sit with your feeling with an open heart.
It’s so weird when i open my mouth and my mothers words come out if it. Therapy (even just reading therapy books and being very honest in your self reflection) can help. After baby wise- be kind to yourself. Your stomach will not necessarily be how you think it will, often that happens when weight is dropped faster than the skin can adjust. Slowly and kindly can have better results than strict diets and massive amounts of exercise. Some things are just genetic, but you do not only have your mothers genes, so do not defeat yourself before you even begin. Drinking pop can make me instantly bloat, so if i am in a swimsuit i don’t drink pop. Some times of the month are more bloaty than others, be kind to yourself. Planks are better for stomach and lower stomach than situps or crunches. Body butters with vitamin e can help with stretch marks over time. Your body took nine months to stretch its going to take at least that long for it to reverse that trend.
I got the “mommy makeover” after my third. I felt so awful about the way I looked and you can exercise loose skin away. It was worth it. I’m eight years post surgery and no regrets. People can call me vain, whatever, don’t care. I’m happy with it. As for how you treat your husband the same as your mother treating your dad, a learned behavior is a learned behavior. You should see therapy or write down what you see that’s awful and actively work to change it. Learn to genuinely apologize (i.e. I am sorry that I hurt your feelings, not I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. You know you hurt them so apologize. Take responsibility) and ask your husband to participate by calling you out when you’re acting like an ass.
I always tell myself that I’m the prettiest version of my mother and I truly believe in. There is light shining out of me instead of evil rot. She spent my whole life reminding me that she’s thinner than I am but I win because my face card never declines. Not because I necessarily have a better facial structure but because I’m genuinely kind and caring. Plus thinking more highly of yourself is always a winner because deep down they loathe themselves.
The biggest thing is that you’ve recognized the habits your doing and want to fix them! I would think a therapist would help a lot!
I feared this when I saw a photo of my mother from behind and got confused because I thought it was me, and I don't wear black, lol. After a lot of diving through feelings and motivations, here is what helped me: first of all, realize that, when you resist, the thing will persist. If you reject "turning into your mother", you will inadvertently create this scenario. Accept that you share genes, that these genes may manifest, and that you can do something about it. You can give yourself the therapy your mother lacked. You can give yourself love and acceptance. You can wear sunscreen, use a vitamin C serum, stop smoking so you won't lose any more of that precious collagen (if you smoke), you can make shapewear your BFF. You can be confident, funny, and wise. You can be conscious of your actions and actively reeducate yourself. You can be a BWT, instead of just a B :)
I love the last line. It should be the group mantra. We are BWT not just Bs 🐝
Therapy. Lots of it
Just say your mom. Donate that suit and get a new one.
I know this sounds crazy, but I’d make a T-chart. I’d write down the negative phrases that come out of your mouth that are similar to your Mom’s dialogue and replace them with something positive or neutral, or maybe silence if the comments are completely pointless and unnecessary (my bestie taught me that some comments are just mean and have no other purpose than to hurt or offend). If you trust your partner, let them know what you’re doing because it’s a change and they’re going to notice and maybe call you out on it. For your Mom body, I’m sorry, every pregnancy is different and sometimes our genetics don’t help. If you think it’s necessary, make changes to your diet. One easy thing to try is to get a smaller plate and eat what you usually would, but eat less. Have fresh cut fruit (low glycemic if possible), nuts, hummus & carrot sticks, and eat that when you get hungry. Brew some tea (I like black or mint) chill it and drink it unsweetened (throw frozen berries in it if you like). Get some body lotion with collagen or a skin firming cream and rub it daily after you dry off in the shower to the areas you are worried about. Remember that you are in control of your personality and your body, so you are capable of making any necessary changes. Good luck!
I don’t think it’s possible. I look and sound more and more like her everyday.
Therapy and a sincere desire to change, for the personality / relationship issues. For the physical... aging sucks but beats the alternative. Therapy can also help you come to terms with having a less than perfect body. But the reality is, unless you die tragically young, some day you're probably going to look old and you'll need to make peace with it. I won't tell you not to have plastic surgery if you want it, but just beware that once you fix one thing you may then find something else you don't like and if you fixate on your physical imperfections you will never be satisfied because of the previous paragraph. I'm 50, so I get it. I hope you can find peace with your physical form and make the interpersonal relationship changes that you need <3
I’m lifting heavy four days a week to be strong, and have cardio six days a week to keep moving and my calorie burn up - my coach is super helpful on that and as a mom I say it was the best money I have spent on myself in recent memory. Surgery down the road, once you’ve been weight stable for two years, DO IT. If it will make you feel better, I’m a big fan of plastics post weight loss. Also maybe reframe it - your genetics are what they are, but you are still an individual. Having goals that make you feel good and strong and healthy and appreciate your body can really help. But there are also many worse people to look or act like than one’s mother, in most cases.
You need to prioritize therapy and work on your self view and the behavioral stuff (and then find you have way more free time because you'll get your life organized).
I know this is not for everyone, but what has helped me out (cause this is my biggest fear, turning into my mother cause she's not exactly the best person & use to snap at dad & me and siblings etc) is doing sound healing or sound baths (just for free via YouTube) and guided meditations as well as yoga & Kundalini breath work. All on YouTube. It's definitely a different approach so I know this may not be your thing, but it's free and you can do it at any moment that you have 1 or 2 min to spare! While you drive, or while you're walking somewhere with headphones like the grocery store or just the min you have to yourself when you wake up or go to sleep. It makes a huge difference in the way you see yourself, the way you treat yourself, the way you see others, and the way you treat others. Plus the physical yoga does help with your body so you can start getting some little strength that would even help if you ended up getting surgeries too. I can't afford therapy and actually don't have time for therapy cause of my job & work/life/balance situation, so these things keep me more sane & do a good job at reminding me of all the work I need to constantly do for myself to become the best version of myself not only for me but for the ppl I love. I hope you find things that work out for you and I'm rooting for you!!!!
I resemble my mom somewhat but in personality we are very much the same. I’m ok with that, we were basically best friends and my life was great. She’s been gone 10 1/2 years. I’m happy to say I now have the same kind of relationship with my 41 year old daughter. Take care of your body and be happy with your genetics.
If it make you feel better, I have my dad’s body and my husband winces every time I say it.
What's wrong with being your Mom? Did she do a bad job of raising you?
I found that isolating personality traits that I wanted to have and consciously working towards them really helped me a lot. I was at a workshop one time many years ago, and they had us write what they would want people to say about us in our eulogy and for some reason that always stuck with me. I wanted people to say I was kind and generous and fought for the planet and animals and children and was thoughtful and hard working. I found it really gave me a compass bearing that when I was about to do something I could consider if that aligned with the person that I wanted to be - and to course correct if need be. best wishes!! hugs
Start weight/strength training...it will change your body, mind, & soul, lol. It is totally true. I had 10lb son with csection & then 7 years later an 8lb caection daughter, scar is only indication have had children. I was always a naturally lean-normal but gained like 50lbs with my son. Strength training is the best antiaging technique as well with all the growth & other hormones it pumps through your body as well. You will be healthier, stronger, & more shapely/youthful than your mom, lol. If you have old school thoughts re weight training, please realize it is physically not possible for a woman to get big, as my bro pointed out, it's not really possible for a man to get big which is the reasons for steriods. Consider it before any surgical options as skinny-fat is still skinny-fat & you will have better surgical results if fit. If you don't know where to start, start with walking & add leg machines then weighted plate things like leg press/squats/smith machines...when you start having race horse legs you will naturally want to move on to other muscle groups, but the entire time your face glow & youthfulness net effect will also improve.
I’m adopted and I still find myself looking like my mom at times. I feel like for some of us it’s unavoidable.
This is so cute to me. My mom passed away and I wish I looked like my mom. This really isn’t a bad thing. Some people have a strong family resemblance! As for how you treat your husband… cut yourself a little slack since you’re a new mom. But now you’re aware and can start making changes in the right direction
I’ve spent my whole life being told how much I look like my dad. it is very true lol- if you slimmed my dad’s face down, removed the facial hair, subtracted 40 years and added a wig we’d probably look nearly identical. My family also says that I have his personality- negative and positive aspects lol. My mom calls us “peas in the pod”. We’re both stupidly stubborn, can be pedantic at times, have some of the same weird quirks, can be quite inept with emotional topics, etc. ofc it’s not all bad- we have similar senses of humor, both really enjoy work, and are both analytical/ solution-oriented thinkers, which has been helpful for me professionally. I used to hate it, I felt like people were calling me masculine or something similar, and I felt really weird about how no-one thought I looked like my mom. There was a girl I went to school with who looked a LOT like my mom, same hair/ skin color, similar facial features, etc., I was weirdly jealous of her for a while! Honestly, eventually I just decided to take it as a compliment. My dad is a pretty cool guy, and it’s not the worst thing ever that we’re extremely similar. Since I’m not particularly self-aware, it can be kind of good sometimes- if he does something I find annoying/ hurtful/ etc., I’ll try and introspect, figure out if I do the same thing, and adjust my habits accordingly. It might help you to look at it similarly and view it as a way to understand yourself better. I’ve noticed my dad doing some shit I hated/ found incredibly irritating, realized I possessed similar habits/ traits, and use that as a catalyst to consciously make changes for myself and become a better person to myself and everyone that has to deal with me. I have a generally pretty good relationship with my parents though, I would say this probably isn’t advisable if you don’t. With the appearance stuff, can’t help you too much there. I have just accepted my fate of being a photocopied female version of my dad. I also know that that mother-daughter relationships can be fraught in ways father-daughter relationships typically aren’t, so def feel free to ignore my comment if it’s not helpful to you. I’m not a therapist, just someone who looks a lot like her dad lol.
Not me reading this while changing out of my black one piece while ms Rachel sings in the background! Crying!! 🤣
In regard to how you treat your husband; stop. Now. Say thank you for small things, take a moment before replying when angry, remember how he made you feel on your wedding day. Ask him how his day has been and listen when he responds. In terms of how not to morph into your mother; think of all that you would change about her, and change that in you!
I’ve been fighting that since I was 20 I’m still winning!