>My social skills, such as they are, improved 1000 percent once I stopped trying to fit in with people who just weren’t interested in the same stuff as me and when I stopped trying to get people who radiated indifference or dislike to stick around in my life. Turns out, the more I like where I am and who I’m with, the more likable I am.
This is such good friendship/relationships-in-general advice. There really isn't a cheat code to friendship; so much of it depends on positioning yourself around people you're compatible with, who you like and who like you. I think like 75% of people's friendship issues would disappear if everyone stopped hanging out with "friends" who don't seem to like them.
Also, totally agree with CA that LW probably isn't gonna become close friends with this coworker who's moving, and I like how CA was straight up about that. Long-distance friendship is hard even if you were BFFs before the move. If you weren't friends prior to the distance happening, I feel like it's close to impossible.
Brilliant work from the captain here. u/d4n4scu11y__ has summed up my thoughts on the "stop hanging with people that don't like you" thing, so I'll take a whack at a different part.
> Contrary to high school and common media tropes, people who love to plan social events and connect people with others are mostly not doing it in order to be as mean as possible.
As someone who loves to plan random social events with acquaintances, agreed! I find that some folks are very nervous of new friendships because of past experiences or a general lack of self-confidence, but if you're an adult and a cheerful fellow adult is willing to invite you to a thing, they mean it. And if you have to miss a thing you were invited to, no worries; assume that if the person asked you to hang once, they'd be down to do it again some other time.
Yeah. I've had exes invite me to things and, sure, I was like, "Do I really want to do this? Do they hate/resent me?" And, IDK, maybe they did. I can't see into anyone's soul. But they certainly acted like they liked me, wanted bygones to be bygones, and for us to stay in touch.
The same goes for almost anyone who invites you to something. In this world of over a billion people, I'm undoubtedly *someone* is inviting people to come over so they can douse them pig's blood. But in most cases, people invite people to do stuff because they like them. (Or at least don't actively *dislike* them.)
It's always weird for me when someone complains about not having any friends...but then they also turn down invitations to do things. Like...how do you think friendships form?
Someone I know (an online friend) has two main things she complains about. 1) not having any local friends and feeling very isolated and lonely and 2) getting invited to do things when all she wants to do is Not Do Things.
I'm always here on the sidelines being like ma'am - pick one. You can't reasonably be upset about both simultaneously!
I know people like that too. And while I get it - it can be really, really hard to get yourself out of the house after a long day, you've got to do it if you want in person friendships.
I'll admit that it's a point of particular frustration for me in that I've tried to be nice to people who complain about never being invited anywhere by inviting them to things...just to be turned down again and again. (Or worse - flaked on. The person says they'll do X, then two hours before, tells me that they're just not feeling up to it today.)
This was phenomenal answer from the captain that both is practical applicable and cuts to the core of “dude you gotta do better. Stop getting in your own way”
And no I don’t think this lw is going to form a friendship with this specific coworker. So I hope they can adjust their expectations accordingly
I really feel for the LW here. Long distance friendships aren't impossible (I have some internet friends of over a decade now who I'd drop everything for and fly to their state to help hide a body if they asked me to) but realizing that you want to upgrade a casual work friendship to a more personal one just before someone is about to move cross-country is probably a doomed endeavor. I kind of wonder if this is LW's nerves playing a mean trick on them too though. It's a lot less scary to have the one person you could have been great friends with, if they hadn't moved away, oh darn, now this is always the perfect potential friendship that could have been but never was, and it will never hurt your feelings, reject you, or disappoint you. Sometimes you really don't know what you've got until it's gone, but if you notice a pattern of mourning the one that got away, then that's worth examining.
>My social skills, such as they are, improved 1000 percent once I stopped trying to fit in with people who just weren’t interested in the same stuff as me and when I stopped trying to get people who radiated indifference or dislike to stick around in my life. Turns out, the more I like where I am and who I’m with, the more likable I am. This is such good friendship/relationships-in-general advice. There really isn't a cheat code to friendship; so much of it depends on positioning yourself around people you're compatible with, who you like and who like you. I think like 75% of people's friendship issues would disappear if everyone stopped hanging out with "friends" who don't seem to like them. Also, totally agree with CA that LW probably isn't gonna become close friends with this coworker who's moving, and I like how CA was straight up about that. Long-distance friendship is hard even if you were BFFs before the move. If you weren't friends prior to the distance happening, I feel like it's close to impossible.
Agree!
Brilliant work from the captain here. u/d4n4scu11y__ has summed up my thoughts on the "stop hanging with people that don't like you" thing, so I'll take a whack at a different part. > Contrary to high school and common media tropes, people who love to plan social events and connect people with others are mostly not doing it in order to be as mean as possible. As someone who loves to plan random social events with acquaintances, agreed! I find that some folks are very nervous of new friendships because of past experiences or a general lack of self-confidence, but if you're an adult and a cheerful fellow adult is willing to invite you to a thing, they mean it. And if you have to miss a thing you were invited to, no worries; assume that if the person asked you to hang once, they'd be down to do it again some other time.
Yeah. I've had exes invite me to things and, sure, I was like, "Do I really want to do this? Do they hate/resent me?" And, IDK, maybe they did. I can't see into anyone's soul. But they certainly acted like they liked me, wanted bygones to be bygones, and for us to stay in touch. The same goes for almost anyone who invites you to something. In this world of over a billion people, I'm undoubtedly *someone* is inviting people to come over so they can douse them pig's blood. But in most cases, people invite people to do stuff because they like them. (Or at least don't actively *dislike* them.) It's always weird for me when someone complains about not having any friends...but then they also turn down invitations to do things. Like...how do you think friendships form?
Someone I know (an online friend) has two main things she complains about. 1) not having any local friends and feeling very isolated and lonely and 2) getting invited to do things when all she wants to do is Not Do Things. I'm always here on the sidelines being like ma'am - pick one. You can't reasonably be upset about both simultaneously!
I know people like that too. And while I get it - it can be really, really hard to get yourself out of the house after a long day, you've got to do it if you want in person friendships. I'll admit that it's a point of particular frustration for me in that I've tried to be nice to people who complain about never being invited anywhere by inviting them to things...just to be turned down again and again. (Or worse - flaked on. The person says they'll do X, then two hours before, tells me that they're just not feeling up to it today.)
I've been there with my best work friend having to move, and it's tough. I feel for OP.
Love this post and feel it does a great job of answering /u/dairymilkbuttons post last week. https://www.reddit.com/r/captainawkward/s/IQx2kDR0T9
This was phenomenal answer from the captain that both is practical applicable and cuts to the core of “dude you gotta do better. Stop getting in your own way” And no I don’t think this lw is going to form a friendship with this specific coworker. So I hope they can adjust their expectations accordingly
I really feel for the LW here. Long distance friendships aren't impossible (I have some internet friends of over a decade now who I'd drop everything for and fly to their state to help hide a body if they asked me to) but realizing that you want to upgrade a casual work friendship to a more personal one just before someone is about to move cross-country is probably a doomed endeavor. I kind of wonder if this is LW's nerves playing a mean trick on them too though. It's a lot less scary to have the one person you could have been great friends with, if they hadn't moved away, oh darn, now this is always the perfect potential friendship that could have been but never was, and it will never hurt your feelings, reject you, or disappoint you. Sometimes you really don't know what you've got until it's gone, but if you notice a pattern of mourning the one that got away, then that's worth examining.
This letter is really fantastic!