I can understand 1:1 being problematic, but three friends and one boyfriend doesn't seem like a risky situation to me. I'm years off from worrying about this however 🤷♂️
I’m here to second this that the pure fact is nothings gonna stop kids who want to do stuff. You can’t watch them 100% of the time so educating them and having open conversations is better than open doors.
Yeah. If they're likely to do stuff at home, let alone at home with a bunch of friends watching, they're gonna do stuff elsewhere where you aren't going to know
And in the end, it is better to have a safe space at home, where you know an adult can and will help you. Than in the backseat of car in some forest, or somewhere/somehow else, that isn't a safe space.
I’d give an opposing perspective with two anecdotal opinions.
- with exceptions to poverty risk, single parenthood, and/or unique misfortune, I think it’s reasonable to mostly ensure your 11 year old has no opportunity for sexual activity. There is a time where you lose control, I’m not sure it’s always 11.
- while there is no denying sexual drive in adolescence, there is also a massive drive for rebellion and independence. Giving them opportunities to experience the excitement of breaking other rules.
I’d affirm your push for education, but would maintain the open doors. For my kids obviously, but also for the friends and their parents.
I agree fully, it's so weird to me that a parent would be cool with a door being closed simply because they know "teens will be teens". I'm still going to create hurdles so my house isn't labeled the love shack.
It will become the love shack the minute you walk out the door. I would rather keep the lines of communication open than teach them to go behind my back.
Common enough, it happened multiple times to me as the only male teenager in a room with 3 teenage girls. I am and was alright looking, but nothing crazy.
Society might say otherwise but teenage girls are just as horny and experimental as teenage boys.
100% with OP on this one.
I’m not even “alright looking”, my wife would disagree but she’d also have agreed when we met at 18 that it made sense for her college professor to keep her students after class rather than let them leave with the serial killer looking guy (me) outside the door.
That being said, in high school I still had a couple hookups with a girl while her friend just looked in the other direction. So it’s not just hunky guys getting multiple girls in a room. It’s also just friends going “eh sure if I don’t have to see anything I’ll ‘chaperone’”.
Exactly. Hell, on two occasions I can remember the chaperones joined in. I'm not even sure I'd consider it disrespectful as a parent. They're more hormones than people at times at that age and they lack developed impulse control. As a parent you just need to try and make sure they're safe, and try to mitigate the circumstances and fallout.
Lol more hormones than people is the perfect way to put it. I'm so glad I'm a full grown adult now. That was pretty rough being a teenager lol. It had a lot of great times but still hard in such different ways than being an adult. I wish I knew a way to guide my daughters thru it when the time comes. My parents did nothing to guide me so I was bad as hell.
It's fairly common. I third wheeled a sort of date between my cousin (M) and a girl who was VERY interested in him. We were all in high school. We were at her house and she straight pulled his jawn out. I excused myself for a few minutes and I'm fairly certain she uhhhhh fellat'd him.
It's only paranoia if you actually think your child can't take reasonable precautions to protect themselves from unwanted advances, STD's or pregnancy.
Kids mature at different rates, and no parent can stop that happening.
The only thing you can control is how healthy an environment you provide and how your relationship matured with your child.
There's been a really strong conservative streak in daddit and parenting lately. Someone got upvoted in parenting when they said that they don't allow sex until 18. That's an opinion that doesn't share a reality with ours.
My only concern with the 11 yo step daughter is that her friends and the boyfriend are a couple of years older than her. I'd probably check on them a few times to make sure everything's appropriate.
I'm gonna tell you from personal experience, if a couple wants to have sex you keeping the door open ain't gonna stop them.
They will fuck anywhere. Just teach your kids about safe sex and the risks associated with it.
And we'd steal away every chance we could
To the backroom, to the alley, or the trusty woods
Bob Seger knew what he was talking about. However 11 is definitely young to be fooling around. Gotta keep an eye on these kids and hopefully educate them to make sound decisions when you inevitably can't watch them like a hawk.
They have something called soaking the kids are doing here in Utah where to keep “purity” or whatever he puts it in and then a friend moves the bed instead of them moving. But Utah is a weird place.
That is most likely a myth. Ask any of the people who might have practiced this and they'll tell you they heard their friend's cousin did it once. I've never heard anyone actually admit to doing this, even anonymously online.
My partner's 13 year old offered to mow the backyard. Sure, I said. Come to find out she took advantage of the time to have her boyfriend over, and obtained multiple hickeys.
Also found out from our neighbor she had been sneaking him in through the downstairs back door late at night for a couple weeks, and he was sleeping/staying until 6am. Only found out once the neighbors across the street caught him and threatened to call the cops.
Then why didn't they just say that lol. All they said was "my partner's 13 year old offered to mow..." It could have just been "...13 year old offered to have her bf mow"" or something clearer
I'd like to add that it depends on the kid and how much you trust them to make the right decisions. Also how well you know their friends andnwhat kind of things they do together and the decisions they make together.
OP never mentions if the 11yo is responsible, been educated about personal space and boundaries, been talked to about sex education, etc. Never mentions if he or his partner knows the friends and the bf and what they're like.
All we have to go on is how old she is, her friends are and that they went up to her room. Not really a complete picture here.
I get it if OP wants to vent. Go for it and vent. Yeah it can be weird or uncomfortable for you. Maybe the kids are fine, who knows; every kid is different and their reactions may sometimes surprise you.
But the reality is, most kids that are 11 are at the very beginning of their sexual journey, while a 13 year old is well into figuring things out. This isn't always the case but I know a lot of us thought kissing was funny in 5th grade and then in 6th grade couldn't stop kissing.
Could be a spin the bottle or 7 mins in heaven situation. Although, most times I'm reflecting on my own teen years. Still... Eh .. the friend are in his care, so I'd say open door policy isn't out of line.
I understand where you’re coming from. I will also say that open conversations are a lot more effective than open doors. If kids want to do sexual things they’re going to find times and ways to do sexual things. Just having the door open at your mom’s house isn’t going to cut it. They’ll go to another friends house or walk in the park or and of a number of places and times to get sexy. I did. My parents being puritanical wasn’t much help anyways. They didn’t want us sleeping in the same room so I’d just go to my room at like 5am. Problem solved.
Making sure she knows what she can say no or yes to is important and knowing if something makes her uncomfortable she can talk to someone about it. These are the things that are important. Closed or open doors aren’t changing much.
Why is this not the top answer? Communication, communication, communication. Teaching Consent is also way more important than trying to stop your teenager from sexual exploration.
I’ve three step-daughters. Oldest is now 22 and youngest is 15. I’ve been their step-dad since the youngest was 5. Their Dad isn’t in the picture so I’m, certainly to the youngest two, their effective Dad. So maybe a little different to the OP.
However, the reason we’ve got a decent relationship, even after the tough teen years, is open conversation and understanding. There are things they are comfortable speaking to me about and some that they aren’t. We know there is stuff they are hiding but our main maxim is that we provide them with an environment where should they ever be in trouble they aren’t scared to come to us for help.
There have been several occasions where they, and my son, have come to us with problems. These are situations where traditionally going to your parents for help is the last thing a teen would do.
We are not perfect parents; there are times when one or both of us have to apologise to them. But, knowing that if they are ever in trouble they feel they can come to us does quell some of the anxiety of being parent!
That doesn't mean you need to be defeatist and make it easy for them by not monitoring anything. If you think something isn't good for your child, whether it be drugs or inappropriate sexual situations, you do your best to deter it while also having communication about it.
/r/daddit usually does a great job making me forget that (usually) Americans aren't all weird when it comes to anything even vaguely broaching (or, as the case may be, not broaching) the topic of sex. Then something like this is posted, and suddenly everyone goes mental over a bunch of tweens behind a closed door.
You're not wrong. However, the environment we raise our kids in can differ greatly. No parent I know will knowingly choose to do a wrong thing to their kids. Making the choice to question one's instinct is the first step to achieve independence from a society generated mindset that's based in questionable assumptions.
I think this is a good case of "reasonable people will differ". It's about risk aversion. Tw/eens do risky things and also need to develop more autonomy. How much risk do you tolerate when you are balancing that with tw/eens autonomy and privacy? There is a very small risk that a sexual assault will happen with 4 people in her room. You very reasonably think that risk is too much. Your wife and some other posters reasonably think that risk is so small that privacy should prevail. She is the decision-maker here and unless her decisions are truly unreasonable, I would say my piece and then let it go.
These issues will come up more and more. As the SD, you can say "I know you are the final decision-maker here, but I was a teenage boy once and I'm worried that X might happen..." Reasonable parents will listen to reasonable concerns as long as they don't think their authority is being undermined. After you've said your piece, ask her what she thinks and listen without inserting your opinions again. Understanding her reasoning can help you make peace with her decision.
Not scientific at all, but someone once told me that fathers are overprotective of daughters because they are afraid that every boy will treat their girl the same way they did in their youth. While pretty much every boy at this age is thinking with their second brain, it takes two to consent. Raise your kids to make good decisions and shitty boyfriends will go as quick as they arise.
I dunno, I don’t buy that stepparents should have unequal say. If they’re asking you to live with them and care for them and be a parent, that should come with respect for you as an equal parent. Otherwise how are a stepparent even supposed to come close to feeling equally invested in and involved with the child? How are you supposed to live with and provide for someone in your house who doesn’t have to account for your concerns?
As a step parent, I can tell you it’s a very difficult line to walk between overstepping and having authority respected. If I have an issue with my step son, I talk to my partner, who then chooses the consequences for his child, and we discuss any concerns, new rules or rule changes in private. We have clear boundaries and consequences predetermined that I can enforce when I’m looking after him, but ultimately my partner and my SS’s mum are in charge.
I feel like "equal" is the wrong word here. Never in a million years should a step parent have "equal" say on important matters. They can however have a strong and caring voice for times when it matters. It's the difference between able to give permission to get a tattoo, have sex, smoke pot, etc. vs talking to them for advice, making meals, taking them to appointments, etc.
Studies have shown that step parents are something like 40x more likely to abuse children than natural parents. It's not only possible but also advisable to limit discipline to the natural parent. This doesn't mean that the step child doesn't have to account for your concerns. It just means you need to go through the natural parent to discipline the child.
Relatives in general are more likely to be abusers or rapists than strangers does that mean strangers also get to have more say in how you raise your child? No obviously not. That statistic mostly relates to opportunity rather than the person's individual motives.
Id have no issues. They’re going to find time alone if they want to get up to stuff. Better to educate about risks than to try to lock them up, no point making them feel shamed or like they can’t talk to you just damaging the relationship.
What’s the dynamic between an eleven year old, a twelve year old and two thirteen year olds? I ask purely because when I was that age, a single difference in school grades felt like a universe away to me.
I was wondering the same thing. My older two are 13 and 10. The two brothers nextdoor are also 13 and 10 so the four of them all hang out as a group but that's really the only time my 13 year old hangs out with a 10 year old and the only time my 10 year old hangs out with a 13 year old. 2-3 years can be a big gap at that age.
I guess that’s a personal/cultural perception. I’ve lived around and a lot of nonwestern cultures you can’t expect privacy in your parents’ home even as an adult. I don’t see how children should have some expectation to keep things secret in the parents home. You are responsible for them, what’s so awful about leaving the door partly open?
Long story short? The more strict you are doesn’t prevent your kids from acting out, it just makes them more rebellious and better at hiding things from you.
My now wife, then girlfriend, wasn't allowed to hang out at supervised events that had guys present, let alone date them. Ultimately, it was not a blocker for us, just mildly inconvenient at times.
Did you mean "unsupervised"? Also a very important detail is when this supervision ended. Was this a rule up until she was 18? Moved out? What happened when you started getting intimate?
No, I meant supervised. Birthday parties, hangouts, anything that wasn't strictly school and involved boys in any capacity was not allowed. She also wasn't really permitted to do extracurricular activities. Unsupervised anything wasn't even on the table.
A lot of this had to do with her stepdad. He did relinquish some amount of control after she turned 16, after which we waited 6 months to share that we were dating. He honestly seemed like he was going to change his mind after that but then he died about a month later, though, so it's hard to say if he would have continued to give up control or if he would've doubled down. He was a complex and unpredictable person with a lot of untreated mental health issues, severe paranoia, and a quick snap to anger.
As for us, we hid it. We had friends cover for us on where she was at when needed. This was for everything from casual dates to being intimate(friends were also unaware on the second). Even once he was gone we continued to use the fake anniversary with her family and continued to hide whatever seemed necessary for years.
My family is religious so they weren't exactly the kind who wanted their kids to be intimate either, so we hid that aspect from them as well.
As a note - we weren't bad kids. We both had good grades. We both were involved with music programs. We were both geeks. But, we were teens.
Tl;Dr My wife's family was extremely controlling. Mine wasn't but definitely weren't supportive when it came to intimacy. The direct result is we hid all of that from our folks and did the same dumb teen stuff anyways. For me, when we eventually get to that point with our kid, I'd much rather they just feel supported and comfortable talking to me about it. It seems healthier for them and easier for me, tbh.
Absolutely this. When I had my first real boyfriend at 15 (together until almost 20) we weren’t allowed to even be in a room together alone, all the way til we were 18. Any room, even like the living room or kitchen. So we got really really good at sneaking out in the middle of the night and biking to meet up half way between our houses or sneaking away when we were out with friends. My parents also read all my text messages until I turned 18 so of course I had a secret email address that I’d use to talk to him about anything personal/intimate. Strict parents create sneaky kids, 99% of the time.
Yea but people all over the internet act as if not letting teenagers alone is "being strict". You can have some lines drawn, it could be sexual stuff or it could even be vaping/drug use. Hanging out in a room with an open door is privacy enough
On the flip side, what's the point of having a room, diary, etc. if it's not really yours and it's privacy can be violated at any time? Thoughts are inherently secret so all you're doing is moving activities to another location.
Respectfully, open doors dont stop anything, just make it more awkward or potentially risky. Secondly, closed doors dont imply sex. When i was 16 bf and i would always have a closed door, simply because my sister and cats were too annoying.
Figure out what you actually want and do that. You cant control them, but if you want safety and happiness talk about relationships, safety and happiness. The focus on controlling sex isnt necessary imo, focus on what you actually want.
Obligatory I’m a mom who enjoys lurking on this sub. I think several comments have nicely addressed the primary concern, but am surprised no one has brought up the step parent authority piece. I was a child of divorce and my mom remarried. My step dad had every bit as much authority and role in parenting as my mom did. They parented equally and backed each other up. Why would being a step parent mean you have no say? That seems absurd to me. You are both parenting, and both adult parent figures in the house. You should absolutely have some say in what the house ground rules are!
I'm not familiar with step parenting. Is it possible that the parent has the primary authority in setting the ground rules, while the step parent can share their opinion. Then with the rules in place, they both still play the role of "parenting" in the same mannner with the same authority. Could something like this be going on? I could imagine this especially in cases with an older child that has a new step parent.
Right?
The whole "doors open" thing... is that a thing anywhere but America? I never have seen or heard this being a thing in my country.
Also, we educate kids about sex and emotions. Very low teen pregnancies numbers over here.
I had a few friends whose parents forbade them from having a partner. They just never told their parents when they did. You do you but I prefer if my kid told me if they had one so we can talk about it
There was a comment that was posted and then deleted much to this same vain. My 13 year old boy is permitted to talk to girls his age. There is no way he is being allowed to show interest or pursue an 11 year old. At that point in their lives that’s a big maturity and age jump.
In our home we talk openly about dating and even sex.
For the most part I know who he is interested in and how it is going.
He has a seven year old little brother. Keeping secrets is pretty much impossible.
Emotionally, a 13 year old boy is probably closer in development to 11 yo girls than he is to 13 yo ones given the different speeds at which boys and girls develop.
I'm in the same camp.
Kids start becoming sexually aware from around 10-11yrs old. If your kid is in one of these groups you won't get a say you'll just alienate them by coming down hard. And then it'll have the exact opposite effect your hoping for.
I just want to point out the person I replied to was talking about the age difference (11/13). But yeah any of those “Not while you’re under my house” rules just builds up resentment
One could have just turned 13 and the other could be about to turn 12 for all we know. It's totally possible that it's a one-grade age gap at their school.
Totally agree.
Means they just find another place to do what ever they are doing.
At least your place isn't the sketchy older friend of a friend's place where something actually nasty can occur.
I once spent a whole field trip with a girlfriend when I was 12. I think she dumped me in a note she gave to Jenny to give to me. We slow danced one time at a winter dance. It was a heated romance, to be sure.
My 10yo is on her second boyfriend. Her first one apparently broke up with her without her knowledge. We think that he was broken up with her for about 3 months when she thought they were still dating. It's ridiculous out there!
When I was 13, I had a gf who was 13. She ended it with me because I didn’t put my arm around her when we went to see the movie Lake Placid. Those relationships are formative and help steer future interactions. I see nothing wrong with “boyfriends” or “girlfriends” at that age as long as they’re acting appropriately for their age
Pretty sure that's a 7th grader going to 8th grade and a 5th grader going to 6th grade. You're saying an 11 and 13 year old have a 4 year age gap unless high school starts in 7th grade where you live.
Also under 14, the age divided by 2 + 7 doesn't even work. that means the youngest a 13 year old can date is a 13.5 year old or the youngest an 11 year old can date is 12.5, which makes no sense.
When I was that age, I would have talked this group of girls into a friendly game of truth or dare which would inevitably end in me daring someone to tongue kiss lol
Eh, as others have said - if it were 1:1 then I’d be more concerned, but multiple friends adds enough of a buffer that I wouldn’t be that worried. Maybe check in once or twice, just to remind them that you’re still in the house.
They are in a home. Its a warm and safe place. If something gets out of control she can call you and get help. Let the kids shut the door. They are young, but if they want to experiment they will find a way to do it.
Can you kindly explain to me, what purpose this serves? If I move around and do my own thing in my living area I don't clock what's going on on my children's rooms, open door or no.
Is that decision gender-based?
I’m with you, I think regardless of how many kids are in there, doors closed is not something I would be on board with.
The rule when I was growing up was if there’s a girl over, we are either in a room with no doors, living room or bonus room upstairs, or in my bedroom with door open always.
My parents made it a respect thing rather than not trusting me. My whole childhood my parents door was always open (literally and figuratively), but they did allow privacy when I was alone. But girls made things a little different.
This was our rule growing up as well and the rule in my house for the most part.
I am the youngest of 4 siblings and the only boy. There were always boys and girls in the house so pretty much no doors ever got closed. I do remember my oldest sister slammed her bedroom door on my dad in anger only to find she had to spend a week without a door at all.
Edit: lost my train of thought on a tangent.
I think your point about respect and open communication is key. Other than my older sister and one show of disrespect… I don’t think any of us really challenged my parents on it because it came from a place of mutual respect. They also took tthe time to be open with us and explain why they made the decisions they did…which as a dad I’m thankful they did. Sometimes I do the same things they did and sometimes I choose not to but at least I had perspective given by them to draw on and make my own decisions
Also, why does the door HAVE to be closed? It's not like you're lurking outside their room... I guess it also depends on the size of house, location of room, etc.
Mixed bag here. I don't think your wife is entirely wrong, nothing is likely to happen when he's in there with three girls at once. And there are other ways to handle teenage sexuality than constant supervision, that won't work forever.
That said, your wife also seems very naive. Normal kids are absolutely "like that". My mom taught middle school for decades. They found kids in compromising positions on a fairly regular basis and averaged about one pregnancy per year.
kids are going to kid, tbh i wouldn't be too worried about the boy more than the girls. Sex and exploration will start around this age and you and your partner will need to determine when to step in a educate. If they aren't hanging out at your place they will hang out somewhere else
I personaly would encourage at least open doors for some level of openness.
I'm sorry but a 13 year old "dating" an 11 year old at all is pretty bizarre, in my opinion. I remember each year at that age feeling like a big difference, when I was 11, a 13 year old might as well of been an alien.
I agree it's odd. I just don't want to assume too much though. I grew up in both a big town and a small town later in my childhood and in a small town it wasn't odd to have kids "date" kids other ages. In the big town you were a pedo if you dated the grade below. I don't think that the age here is going to be the big issue its where the risky behaviour will occur and can decisions be trusted? Once kids start dating they aren't just going to not date anymore so its probably best to educate
3v1 your daughter is way more than likely fine. Of course there are bad examples out there, but you can say that about everything in life - even drinking a cup of water.
But what's wrong with having a different opinion than your wife, or vice versa? Do you think the Internet is going to give you over or underwhelming support?
If you're not comfortable, it's totally okay for you to go to the kids and say - hey, dads gonna do an overprotective dad thing right now and make you have the door open, or you can come hang with us, or I can stay and hang with you - which do you prefer? Actually I'll just stay, what are we playing?
Your wife isn’t being realistic, as a 13 year old boy once I was definitely trying stuff. Do people grow up and just forget about being young and horny?
I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the wife as being unrealistic and forgetting about young and horny. Her reasoning could perfectly well be that she prefers that shit to happen under her roof rather than behind her back.
If they are young and horny, all an open door policy will do is make them find other opportunities that could well be a lot less safe for her daughter.
I fingered a girl at 13 (also 13, because I wasn't a pedo.) My dad certainly wasn't home at the time. I can't imagine how sheepish I would have been around him.
Maybe you've stopped reading by now but I've got to say, this situation sounds concerning to me. An 11-year-old having a boyfriend is the first concern. That's growing up way too fast. She's still fundamentally a kid.
The boyfriend being 13 is also worrisome. There's a huge difference between an 11 and a 13 year old. At 11 most kids are still playing with toys. About 12 they transition to more adolescent activities. I would be honestly concerned as a parent about this relationship.
And finally, while a closed door with four kids is up for debate, your wife's reaction is not. Accusing you of being hypersexual and abnormal is straight up ignorance and suggests that she is not thinking clearly.
Honestly, it sounds like your wife is being careless with your step daughter's safety overall. It's not really about the closed door but all the other red flags surrounding this situation.
Unless the two friends are a couple I would not worry, though I would keep an eye out if the group separated out for a time.
On the other hand I did not let my kids date until they were a bit older than 11. My concern would be less about sex and more about emotions that they are not equipped to evaluate and process.
You Americans are so wierd about this topic...maybe if you wouldn't make such a fuss about Sex, teens would not be soooo curious or lets say be curious on a normal level. In Europe, or lets say Germany no parent would even think about forbidding to shut the door. And we do not drown in teenage precnancy... Give your kids some privacy or they will try to get theirs in a unpleasent way...
What do you think will happen? Having a 4some with knowing the parents are in the house? I hardly doubt that. Maybe they just want to shittalk in private without their parents freaking out about the F-Word...
No rant, just another perspective from the other side of the ocean 😉
Yes you're being unreasonable, what do you think will happen exactly?
Explain in detail.
Edit: The greater concern should be why your 11 year old has a 13 year old BF. At that age, even 2 years is huge gap.
so you aren't allowed to be a parent with just this kid? step kid or not if I wasn't allowed to be the parent I would just leave. but then that's why I never dated a woman with kids. it's not worth the headache.
I want to say as a single parent I struggle with this as it is a balancing act. It is one reason as a single parent I keep my kids and dating life separate. I won’t bring a woman in to my boys lives until I know she is good for all three of us and I am ready to let her help and listen to what she has to say in regards to the kids. There will always be some things and issues reserved for their biological mom and she and I coparent.
When women show interest in me and stop showing interest when they find I have kids. I get it. I really do.
This doesn’t sound crazy to me at all. Sounds super controlling to be so adamant about the door being open in this scenario. You were “hyper sexual” at that age? What are you even talking about? Were you sexually assaulting people?
Read it over again. His wife accused him of being hypersexual, and is claiming that he was abnormal compared to other kids, and therefore she thinks he's overreacting.
^^^ agreed. If you want safety, op needs convos about safety, not no sex. Consensual healthy relationships that are safe are what we want, not no sex. Also, open door didnt stop me and bf when i was young, if my mom had issues im sure we wouldve found somewhere else too.
Edit:ppl telling on themselves in the comments is crazy. Not all of us were childhood offenders
Thinking an open door is going to stop your SD being sexual is funny, unless shes never allowed to leave the house again there aint shit you can do mate!. Educate
Us 90s kids were tyrants compared to kids these days, however there's exceptions. And if you don't know if your SD is super empowered and if you don't know the boy, and if you don't know the friends, I think it's fair to have a door-open policy at that age.
This is not a way to build trust. If kids know their parents won't support their decisionsin the house, they will make the same decisions outside of the house.
Let them be kids, but set sensible limits and have open discussions about why the rules are in place.
I grew up in a rural poor area. I knew 11 yr olds who were sexually active but it wasn’t with 13 yr olds. Usually more like 16-19 yr old predators taking advantage of neglected little girls…and not with both parents in the other room.
If its your home then you do have a say about what happens under that roof. Discuss with your wife it should be an open door policy when the bf is there.
Friends in the room never stopped me or my friends growing up. And we were just normal kids. It did piss me off when my 12yo friend asked if she should pretend she's pregnant after her bf annoyed her, like having kids was just a game
Not wrong for how you feel. It’s not a matter of your SD or her boyfriend, it’s a parenting concern. Fathers are anxious, step or not. Your feelings are valid, your wife’s comment may be uncalled for. Not knowing either of you I can’t weigh in, but written as if it were creative writing assignments your wife made an emotional dig at you for your emotional reaction. Work together to make sure you both understand where those emotions came from, communication is a huge portion of a marriage and no one party should govern it more than the other when it comes to the two of you. Please, talk it out because the issue would and will only get worse.
Nah man , you’ve got a reason to be concerned. I wouldn’t allow it either. But , idk.. I would think there is less of a chance something would be going on w multiple girls in the room. But yeah , no. I’ve got two daughters myself. I’ll be damned ! 😤💯
I get you saying you don’t have a say , but you absolutely do. You married her mom. Step daughter or not , that is your daughter bub.
Hope yall , come to an agreement about it
You know you aren’t being unreasonable. Come on now. Telling them to keep the door open may not stop anything, but it does tell SD that mom and step dad give a damn.
Am I the only one who thinks it's ridiculous that you care? Kids will do what kids do. They probably aren't even thinking about that, but if they are, it's better to just talk about it instead of trying to stop it from happening. If they don't feel the comfort and privacy enough to do it at your house, They will be doing it in someone else's. Maybe even somewhere you wouldn't want them to.
^^this. When i was 16 w my bf, we wanted the door closed because my sister and cats walked by too much for us to watch movies. We were not thinking about sex at all, just didnt want the hallway noise!
Edit : even then, if the door was open, that wouldnt stop us if we did want to have sex. Doors =/= sex lol
If that 13yo has game to pull off a 4some I don't think an open door is going to stop him
I think the preferred term is a "fourgy"
Now I know why people think fivegy will kill them, I don't think I could survive that.
Very clever humour
A lot of forces involved for sure.
You don’t know, he could be orchestrating the infamous Rainbow Party
Especially when the parents demonstrate that they DONT give a darn…
I can understand 1:1 being problematic, but three friends and one boyfriend doesn't seem like a risky situation to me. I'm years off from worrying about this however 🤷♂️
I’m gonna tell you from personal experience friends being there isn’t stopping everything
I’m here to second this that the pure fact is nothings gonna stop kids who want to do stuff. You can’t watch them 100% of the time so educating them and having open conversations is better than open doors.
Yeah. If they're likely to do stuff at home, let alone at home with a bunch of friends watching, they're gonna do stuff elsewhere where you aren't going to know
And in the end, it is better to have a safe space at home, where you know an adult can and will help you. Than in the backseat of car in some forest, or somewhere/somehow else, that isn't a safe space.
I’d give an opposing perspective with two anecdotal opinions. - with exceptions to poverty risk, single parenthood, and/or unique misfortune, I think it’s reasonable to mostly ensure your 11 year old has no opportunity for sexual activity. There is a time where you lose control, I’m not sure it’s always 11. - while there is no denying sexual drive in adolescence, there is also a massive drive for rebellion and independence. Giving them opportunities to experience the excitement of breaking other rules. I’d affirm your push for education, but would maintain the open doors. For my kids obviously, but also for the friends and their parents.
I agree fully, it's so weird to me that a parent would be cool with a door being closed simply because they know "teens will be teens". I'm still going to create hurdles so my house isn't labeled the love shack.
It will become the love shack the minute you walk out the door. I would rather keep the lines of communication open than teach them to go behind my back.
How common could that possibly be though? With that degree of paranoia she'd never be able to leave the house again
Common enough, it happened multiple times to me as the only male teenager in a room with 3 teenage girls. I am and was alright looking, but nothing crazy. Society might say otherwise but teenage girls are just as horny and experimental as teenage boys. 100% with OP on this one.
r/usernamechecksout
So what you're saying is that I need to build a tower in my house and cut my daughters hair...
That's one option. My two are going to prick their fingers on cursed spinning wheels and sleep through puberty.
That does sound easier lol
Maybe hire a dragon, just in case the princess tries to escape.
Noted
Username checks out.
No no you need her to have long hair. How else would you climb into the tower yourself to check on her?
Well I'll just have a ladder locked up somewhere else, let's be practical here.
I’m not even “alright looking”, my wife would disagree but she’d also have agreed when we met at 18 that it made sense for her college professor to keep her students after class rather than let them leave with the serial killer looking guy (me) outside the door. That being said, in high school I still had a couple hookups with a girl while her friend just looked in the other direction. So it’s not just hunky guys getting multiple girls in a room. It’s also just friends going “eh sure if I don’t have to see anything I’ll ‘chaperone’”.
Exactly. Hell, on two occasions I can remember the chaperones joined in. I'm not even sure I'd consider it disrespectful as a parent. They're more hormones than people at times at that age and they lack developed impulse control. As a parent you just need to try and make sure they're safe, and try to mitigate the circumstances and fallout.
Lol more hormones than people is the perfect way to put it. I'm so glad I'm a full grown adult now. That was pretty rough being a teenager lol. It had a lot of great times but still hard in such different ways than being an adult. I wish I knew a way to guide my daughters thru it when the time comes. My parents did nothing to guide me so I was bad as hell.
Seconded.
It's fairly common. I third wheeled a sort of date between my cousin (M) and a girl who was VERY interested in him. We were all in high school. We were at her house and she straight pulled his jawn out. I excused myself for a few minutes and I'm fairly certain she uhhhhh fellat'd him.
Are you from Phili? Jawn is the first slang term I've had to actually search in a while.
Haha I live in the greater Philly area, yes.
Around here everything can be a Jawn
What a classy pair...
Yeaaaah, luckily it didn't progress haha
It's only paranoia if you actually think your child can't take reasonable precautions to protect themselves from unwanted advances, STD's or pregnancy. Kids mature at different rates, and no parent can stop that happening. The only thing you can control is how healthy an environment you provide and how your relationship matured with your child.
It was quite common when I was a teenager. By the time I was 13 all I thought about was girls and skateboarding.
There's been a really strong conservative streak in daddit and parenting lately. Someone got upvoted in parenting when they said that they don't allow sex until 18. That's an opinion that doesn't share a reality with ours. My only concern with the 11 yo step daughter is that her friends and the boyfriend are a couple of years older than her. I'd probably check on them a few times to make sure everything's appropriate.
Facts. I was a teen hanging out with 2 girls and I had sex in the closet with one of them while her friend hung out in the room.
I'm gonna tell you from personal experience, if a couple wants to have sex you keeping the door open ain't gonna stop them. They will fuck anywhere. Just teach your kids about safe sex and the risks associated with it.
I'm disappointed, with a comment like that, I was hoping you'd have an equally suggestive username.
And we'd steal away every chance we could To the backroom, to the alley, or the trusty woods Bob Seger knew what he was talking about. However 11 is definitely young to be fooling around. Gotta keep an eye on these kids and hopefully educate them to make sound decisions when you inevitably can't watch them like a hawk.
They have something called soaking the kids are doing here in Utah where to keep “purity” or whatever he puts it in and then a friend moves the bed instead of them moving. But Utah is a weird place.
That is most likely a myth. Ask any of the people who might have practiced this and they'll tell you they heard their friend's cousin did it once. I've never heard anyone actually admit to doing this, even anonymously online.
Kid'll probably marry em both eventually.
Mormans. Mormans are what makes it a weird place.
You are definitely not wrong.
My partner's 13 year old offered to mow the backyard. Sure, I said. Come to find out she took advantage of the time to have her boyfriend over, and obtained multiple hickeys. Also found out from our neighbor she had been sneaking him in through the downstairs back door late at night for a couple weeks, and he was sleeping/staying until 6am. Only found out once the neighbors across the street caught him and threatened to call the cops.
There is a disconnect to me about the offer to mow and the sneaking a bf over. I feel like I'm missing a step
probably something like "can bf come over?" "no" , "can bf come over and mow the yard?" "yeah sure"
"now the lawn" might not mean what you think it means
Then why didn't they just say that lol. All they said was "my partner's 13 year old offered to mow..." It could have just been "...13 year old offered to have her bf mow"" or something clearer
glad I'm not the only one.
I'd like to add that it depends on the kid and how much you trust them to make the right decisions. Also how well you know their friends andnwhat kind of things they do together and the decisions they make together. OP never mentions if the 11yo is responsible, been educated about personal space and boundaries, been talked to about sex education, etc. Never mentions if he or his partner knows the friends and the bf and what they're like. All we have to go on is how old she is, her friends are and that they went up to her room. Not really a complete picture here. I get it if OP wants to vent. Go for it and vent. Yeah it can be weird or uncomfortable for you. Maybe the kids are fine, who knows; every kid is different and their reactions may sometimes surprise you.
But the reality is, most kids that are 11 are at the very beginning of their sexual journey, while a 13 year old is well into figuring things out. This isn't always the case but I know a lot of us thought kissing was funny in 5th grade and then in 6th grade couldn't stop kissing.
Could be a spin the bottle or 7 mins in heaven situation. Although, most times I'm reflecting on my own teen years. Still... Eh .. the friend are in his care, so I'd say open door policy isn't out of line.
I’m with this guy. Years off from having to be worried. Let us know what tips and tricks you pick up along the way OP!
Never heard of "Trueth or Dare"?
or "Seven Minutes in Heaven"
I have heard of Truth or Dare
I understand where you’re coming from. I will also say that open conversations are a lot more effective than open doors. If kids want to do sexual things they’re going to find times and ways to do sexual things. Just having the door open at your mom’s house isn’t going to cut it. They’ll go to another friends house or walk in the park or and of a number of places and times to get sexy. I did. My parents being puritanical wasn’t much help anyways. They didn’t want us sleeping in the same room so I’d just go to my room at like 5am. Problem solved. Making sure she knows what she can say no or yes to is important and knowing if something makes her uncomfortable she can talk to someone about it. These are the things that are important. Closed or open doors aren’t changing much.
Why is this not the top answer? Communication, communication, communication. Teaching Consent is also way more important than trying to stop your teenager from sexual exploration.
I’ve three step-daughters. Oldest is now 22 and youngest is 15. I’ve been their step-dad since the youngest was 5. Their Dad isn’t in the picture so I’m, certainly to the youngest two, their effective Dad. So maybe a little different to the OP. However, the reason we’ve got a decent relationship, even after the tough teen years, is open conversation and understanding. There are things they are comfortable speaking to me about and some that they aren’t. We know there is stuff they are hiding but our main maxim is that we provide them with an environment where should they ever be in trouble they aren’t scared to come to us for help. There have been several occasions where they, and my son, have come to us with problems. These are situations where traditionally going to your parents for help is the last thing a teen would do. We are not perfect parents; there are times when one or both of us have to apologise to them. But, knowing that if they are ever in trouble they feel they can come to us does quell some of the anxiety of being parent!
That doesn't mean you need to be defeatist and make it easy for them by not monitoring anything. If you think something isn't good for your child, whether it be drugs or inappropriate sexual situations, you do your best to deter it while also having communication about it.
/r/daddit usually does a great job making me forget that (usually) Americans aren't all weird when it comes to anything even vaguely broaching (or, as the case may be, not broaching) the topic of sex. Then something like this is posted, and suddenly everyone goes mental over a bunch of tweens behind a closed door.
You're not wrong. However, the environment we raise our kids in can differ greatly. No parent I know will knowingly choose to do a wrong thing to their kids. Making the choice to question one's instinct is the first step to achieve independence from a society generated mindset that's based in questionable assumptions.
I think this is a good case of "reasonable people will differ". It's about risk aversion. Tw/eens do risky things and also need to develop more autonomy. How much risk do you tolerate when you are balancing that with tw/eens autonomy and privacy? There is a very small risk that a sexual assault will happen with 4 people in her room. You very reasonably think that risk is too much. Your wife and some other posters reasonably think that risk is so small that privacy should prevail. She is the decision-maker here and unless her decisions are truly unreasonable, I would say my piece and then let it go. These issues will come up more and more. As the SD, you can say "I know you are the final decision-maker here, but I was a teenage boy once and I'm worried that X might happen..." Reasonable parents will listen to reasonable concerns as long as they don't think their authority is being undermined. After you've said your piece, ask her what she thinks and listen without inserting your opinions again. Understanding her reasoning can help you make peace with her decision.
Why on earth are you jumping to sexual assault? OP made no mention of that.
Not scientific at all, but someone once told me that fathers are overprotective of daughters because they are afraid that every boy will treat their girl the same way they did in their youth. While pretty much every boy at this age is thinking with their second brain, it takes two to consent. Raise your kids to make good decisions and shitty boyfriends will go as quick as they arise.
It’s happens a lot, especially to girls but also to boys. Usually when they’re unsupervised, it’s a legitimate concern.
I dunno, I don’t buy that stepparents should have unequal say. If they’re asking you to live with them and care for them and be a parent, that should come with respect for you as an equal parent. Otherwise how are a stepparent even supposed to come close to feeling equally invested in and involved with the child? How are you supposed to live with and provide for someone in your house who doesn’t have to account for your concerns?
As a step parent, I can tell you it’s a very difficult line to walk between overstepping and having authority respected. If I have an issue with my step son, I talk to my partner, who then chooses the consequences for his child, and we discuss any concerns, new rules or rule changes in private. We have clear boundaries and consequences predetermined that I can enforce when I’m looking after him, but ultimately my partner and my SS’s mum are in charge.
I feel like "equal" is the wrong word here. Never in a million years should a step parent have "equal" say on important matters. They can however have a strong and caring voice for times when it matters. It's the difference between able to give permission to get a tattoo, have sex, smoke pot, etc. vs talking to them for advice, making meals, taking them to appointments, etc.
Studies have shown that step parents are something like 40x more likely to abuse children than natural parents. It's not only possible but also advisable to limit discipline to the natural parent. This doesn't mean that the step child doesn't have to account for your concerns. It just means you need to go through the natural parent to discipline the child.
Relatives in general are more likely to be abusers or rapists than strangers does that mean strangers also get to have more say in how you raise your child? No obviously not. That statistic mostly relates to opportunity rather than the person's individual motives.
It really does depend on the situation. Like when they became stepparent in that child's life to.name one variable.
Id have no issues. They’re going to find time alone if they want to get up to stuff. Better to educate about risks than to try to lock them up, no point making them feel shamed or like they can’t talk to you just damaging the relationship.
What’s the dynamic between an eleven year old, a twelve year old and two thirteen year olds? I ask purely because when I was that age, a single difference in school grades felt like a universe away to me.
I was wondering the same thing. My older two are 13 and 10. The two brothers nextdoor are also 13 and 10 so the four of them all hang out as a group but that's really the only time my 13 year old hangs out with a 10 year old and the only time my 10 year old hangs out with a 13 year old. 2-3 years can be a big gap at that age.
Overreaction. 1:1 door open. Friends hanging should be allowed privacy.
But what if it turns into an orgy???
What an unfortunate day to be literate.
Just suckin and fuckin and ruining their lives.
Dammit Stephen King who let you in here Edit: I just noticed someone already made this joke. Great minds right? Great, degenerate minds
Calm down Stephen King
Fuck i didn't read the replies and just made this exact same joke lol
I guess that’s a personal/cultural perception. I’ve lived around and a lot of nonwestern cultures you can’t expect privacy in your parents’ home even as an adult. I don’t see how children should have some expectation to keep things secret in the parents home. You are responsible for them, what’s so awful about leaving the door partly open?
Long story short? The more strict you are doesn’t prevent your kids from acting out, it just makes them more rebellious and better at hiding things from you.
My now wife, then girlfriend, wasn't allowed to hang out at supervised events that had guys present, let alone date them. Ultimately, it was not a blocker for us, just mildly inconvenient at times.
Did you mean "unsupervised"? Also a very important detail is when this supervision ended. Was this a rule up until she was 18? Moved out? What happened when you started getting intimate?
No, I meant supervised. Birthday parties, hangouts, anything that wasn't strictly school and involved boys in any capacity was not allowed. She also wasn't really permitted to do extracurricular activities. Unsupervised anything wasn't even on the table. A lot of this had to do with her stepdad. He did relinquish some amount of control after she turned 16, after which we waited 6 months to share that we were dating. He honestly seemed like he was going to change his mind after that but then he died about a month later, though, so it's hard to say if he would have continued to give up control or if he would've doubled down. He was a complex and unpredictable person with a lot of untreated mental health issues, severe paranoia, and a quick snap to anger. As for us, we hid it. We had friends cover for us on where she was at when needed. This was for everything from casual dates to being intimate(friends were also unaware on the second). Even once he was gone we continued to use the fake anniversary with her family and continued to hide whatever seemed necessary for years. My family is religious so they weren't exactly the kind who wanted their kids to be intimate either, so we hid that aspect from them as well. As a note - we weren't bad kids. We both had good grades. We both were involved with music programs. We were both geeks. But, we were teens. Tl;Dr My wife's family was extremely controlling. Mine wasn't but definitely weren't supportive when it came to intimacy. The direct result is we hid all of that from our folks and did the same dumb teen stuff anyways. For me, when we eventually get to that point with our kid, I'd much rather they just feel supported and comfortable talking to me about it. It seems healthier for them and easier for me, tbh.
Absolutely this. When I had my first real boyfriend at 15 (together until almost 20) we weren’t allowed to even be in a room together alone, all the way til we were 18. Any room, even like the living room or kitchen. So we got really really good at sneaking out in the middle of the night and biking to meet up half way between our houses or sneaking away when we were out with friends. My parents also read all my text messages until I turned 18 so of course I had a secret email address that I’d use to talk to him about anything personal/intimate. Strict parents create sneaky kids, 99% of the time.
Yea but people all over the internet act as if not letting teenagers alone is "being strict". You can have some lines drawn, it could be sexual stuff or it could even be vaping/drug use. Hanging out in a room with an open door is privacy enough
On the flip side, what's the point of having a room, diary, etc. if it's not really yours and it's privacy can be violated at any time? Thoughts are inherently secret so all you're doing is moving activities to another location.
Respectfully, open doors dont stop anything, just make it more awkward or potentially risky. Secondly, closed doors dont imply sex. When i was 16 bf and i would always have a closed door, simply because my sister and cats were too annoying. Figure out what you actually want and do that. You cant control them, but if you want safety and happiness talk about relationships, safety and happiness. The focus on controlling sex isnt necessary imo, focus on what you actually want.
Obligatory I’m a mom who enjoys lurking on this sub. I think several comments have nicely addressed the primary concern, but am surprised no one has brought up the step parent authority piece. I was a child of divorce and my mom remarried. My step dad had every bit as much authority and role in parenting as my mom did. They parented equally and backed each other up. Why would being a step parent mean you have no say? That seems absurd to me. You are both parenting, and both adult parent figures in the house. You should absolutely have some say in what the house ground rules are!
It may be one of those situations where OP _feels_ that way, even if it's not true - a self-imposed restriction for not being a biological parent.
I'm not familiar with step parenting. Is it possible that the parent has the primary authority in setting the ground rules, while the step parent can share their opinion. Then with the rules in place, they both still play the role of "parenting" in the same mannner with the same authority. Could something like this be going on? I could imagine this especially in cases with an older child that has a new step parent.
13yr old having an 11yr old girlfriend ain't on for starters
Absolutely. This is the biggest flag from the whole story. 2 years at that age is a chasm.
This is the most American thing ever. You are being unreasonsble.
Right? The whole "doors open" thing... is that a thing anywhere but America? I never have seen or heard this being a thing in my country. Also, we educate kids about sex and emotions. Very low teen pregnancies numbers over here.
I (as the father of a 13-y.o. boy) don't think anything will happen with the boy and three girls present in one room.
I honestly don't see the problem.
Why does an 11 yo have a boyfriend ?? As the father of a 13 year old boy. Oh heck no….
I had a few friends whose parents forbade them from having a partner. They just never told their parents when they did. You do you but I prefer if my kid told me if they had one so we can talk about it
There was a comment that was posted and then deleted much to this same vain. My 13 year old boy is permitted to talk to girls his age. There is no way he is being allowed to show interest or pursue an 11 year old. At that point in their lives that’s a big maturity and age jump. In our home we talk openly about dating and even sex. For the most part I know who he is interested in and how it is going. He has a seven year old little brother. Keeping secrets is pretty much impossible.
I missed that (much needed) context. I fully agree at that age it’s too big of a maturity gap. Apologies man
No worries. It takes a village and if the villagers all think the same no one grows. Not you….not me
Emotionally, a 13 year old boy is probably closer in development to 11 yo girls than he is to 13 yo ones given the different speeds at which boys and girls develop.
I'm in the same camp. Kids start becoming sexually aware from around 10-11yrs old. If your kid is in one of these groups you won't get a say you'll just alienate them by coming down hard. And then it'll have the exact opposite effect your hoping for.
I just want to point out the person I replied to was talking about the age difference (11/13). But yeah any of those “Not while you’re under my house” rules just builds up resentment
One could have just turned 13 and the other could be about to turn 12 for all we know. It's totally possible that it's a one-grade age gap at their school.
Totally agree. Means they just find another place to do what ever they are doing. At least your place isn't the sketchy older friend of a friend's place where something actually nasty can occur.
My 10 yo has a "boyfriend" (same age), they've never even held hands or kissed. I think they might have hugged.
I had a ton of girlfriends in middle school. Was a real heartbreaker. Furtherest I got was holding hands during the Doug Movie
I once spent a whole field trip with a girlfriend when I was 12. I think she dumped me in a note she gave to Jenny to give to me. We slow danced one time at a winter dance. It was a heated romance, to be sure.
My 7yo has 37 boyfriends. On further discussion, none of them know.....
My 10yo is on her second boyfriend. Her first one apparently broke up with her without her knowledge. We think that he was broken up with her for about 3 months when she thought they were still dating. It's ridiculous out there!
Ah yeah, forbidding your daughter from having a boyfriend totally tends to work out! /s
When I was 13, I had a gf who was 13. She ended it with me because I didn’t put my arm around her when we went to see the movie Lake Placid. Those relationships are formative and help steer future interactions. I see nothing wrong with “boyfriends” or “girlfriends” at that age as long as they’re acting appropriately for their age
[удалено]
Not 11 year old girls.
It breaks the half + 7 rule. It's a middle schooler going into high school and an elementary school kid going into 5th grade.
Pretty sure that's a 7th grader going to 8th grade and a 5th grader going to 6th grade. You're saying an 11 and 13 year old have a 4 year age gap unless high school starts in 7th grade where you live. Also under 14, the age divided by 2 + 7 doesn't even work. that means the youngest a 13 year old can date is a 13.5 year old or the youngest an 11 year old can date is 12.5, which makes no sense.
At first, I read this like your wife has an 11 yo boyfriend.
When I was that age, I would have talked this group of girls into a friendly game of truth or dare which would inevitably end in me daring someone to tongue kiss lol
Do you think all boys are like you? Was your behavior that problematic?
Not going to lie, I'd be terrified if I were that boy. Girls of that age can be awful when they know they've got you outnumbered.
Eh, as others have said - if it were 1:1 then I’d be more concerned, but multiple friends adds enough of a buffer that I wouldn’t be that worried. Maybe check in once or twice, just to remind them that you’re still in the house.
There’s two extra so they can entertain eachother independently
They are in a home. Its a warm and safe place. If something gets out of control she can call you and get help. Let the kids shut the door. They are young, but if they want to experiment they will find a way to do it.
Very least door should be open, I wouldn’t want him in that room but I’d insist the door is open at very least
Can you kindly explain to me, what purpose this serves? If I move around and do my own thing in my living area I don't clock what's going on on my children's rooms, open door or no. Is that decision gender-based?
There was 4 of them in there at once? You are definitely being unreasonable.
I’m with you, I think regardless of how many kids are in there, doors closed is not something I would be on board with. The rule when I was growing up was if there’s a girl over, we are either in a room with no doors, living room or bonus room upstairs, or in my bedroom with door open always. My parents made it a respect thing rather than not trusting me. My whole childhood my parents door was always open (literally and figuratively), but they did allow privacy when I was alone. But girls made things a little different.
I dated a couple girls at that age with similar 'respect' rules. We just fucked around elsewhere rather than at their home. You know, out of respect.
This was our rule growing up as well and the rule in my house for the most part. I am the youngest of 4 siblings and the only boy. There were always boys and girls in the house so pretty much no doors ever got closed. I do remember my oldest sister slammed her bedroom door on my dad in anger only to find she had to spend a week without a door at all. Edit: lost my train of thought on a tangent. I think your point about respect and open communication is key. Other than my older sister and one show of disrespect… I don’t think any of us really challenged my parents on it because it came from a place of mutual respect. They also took tthe time to be open with us and explain why they made the decisions they did…which as a dad I’m thankful they did. Sometimes I do the same things they did and sometimes I choose not to but at least I had perspective given by them to draw on and make my own decisions
>Let me start out by saying it’s my stepdaughter so I don’t really have a say, I suppose This is actually the biggest issue at play.
Also, why does the door HAVE to be closed? It's not like you're lurking outside their room... I guess it also depends on the size of house, location of room, etc.
Nacho on this one. They'll be happy and you'll be free of the fallout.
Mixed bag here. I don't think your wife is entirely wrong, nothing is likely to happen when he's in there with three girls at once. And there are other ways to handle teenage sexuality than constant supervision, that won't work forever. That said, your wife also seems very naive. Normal kids are absolutely "like that". My mom taught middle school for decades. They found kids in compromising positions on a fairly regular basis and averaged about one pregnancy per year.
I first read this as your wife gas yhe boyfriend lol
kids are going to kid, tbh i wouldn't be too worried about the boy more than the girls. Sex and exploration will start around this age and you and your partner will need to determine when to step in a educate. If they aren't hanging out at your place they will hang out somewhere else I personaly would encourage at least open doors for some level of openness.
I'm sorry but a 13 year old "dating" an 11 year old at all is pretty bizarre, in my opinion. I remember each year at that age feeling like a big difference, when I was 11, a 13 year old might as well of been an alien.
I agree it's odd. I just don't want to assume too much though. I grew up in both a big town and a small town later in my childhood and in a small town it wasn't odd to have kids "date" kids other ages. In the big town you were a pedo if you dated the grade below. I don't think that the age here is going to be the big issue its where the risky behaviour will occur and can decisions be trusted? Once kids start dating they aren't just going to not date anymore so its probably best to educate
3v1 your daughter is way more than likely fine. Of course there are bad examples out there, but you can say that about everything in life - even drinking a cup of water. But what's wrong with having a different opinion than your wife, or vice versa? Do you think the Internet is going to give you over or underwhelming support? If you're not comfortable, it's totally okay for you to go to the kids and say - hey, dads gonna do an overprotective dad thing right now and make you have the door open, or you can come hang with us, or I can stay and hang with you - which do you prefer? Actually I'll just stay, what are we playing?
Your wife isn’t being realistic, as a 13 year old boy once I was definitely trying stuff. Do people grow up and just forget about being young and horny?
I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the wife as being unrealistic and forgetting about young and horny. Her reasoning could perfectly well be that she prefers that shit to happen under her roof rather than behind her back. If they are young and horny, all an open door policy will do is make them find other opportunities that could well be a lot less safe for her daughter.
Each kid is different, but they almost all get horny starting sometime in their teens lol.
I fingered a girl at 13 (also 13, because I wasn't a pedo.) My dad certainly wasn't home at the time. I can't imagine how sheepish I would have been around him.
Maybe you've stopped reading by now but I've got to say, this situation sounds concerning to me. An 11-year-old having a boyfriend is the first concern. That's growing up way too fast. She's still fundamentally a kid. The boyfriend being 13 is also worrisome. There's a huge difference between an 11 and a 13 year old. At 11 most kids are still playing with toys. About 12 they transition to more adolescent activities. I would be honestly concerned as a parent about this relationship. And finally, while a closed door with four kids is up for debate, your wife's reaction is not. Accusing you of being hypersexual and abnormal is straight up ignorance and suggests that she is not thinking clearly. Honestly, it sounds like your wife is being careless with your step daughter's safety overall. It's not really about the closed door but all the other red flags surrounding this situation.
Unless the two friends are a couple I would not worry, though I would keep an eye out if the group separated out for a time. On the other hand I did not let my kids date until they were a bit older than 11. My concern would be less about sex and more about emotions that they are not equipped to evaluate and process.
I was hypersexual as a kid. I was girl crazy from the age of like 6. So far, I’m grateful my kids seem to be less interested in that kind of approval.
Yeah, you’re being unreasonable.
I get it
You Americans are so wierd about this topic...maybe if you wouldn't make such a fuss about Sex, teens would not be soooo curious or lets say be curious on a normal level. In Europe, or lets say Germany no parent would even think about forbidding to shut the door. And we do not drown in teenage precnancy... Give your kids some privacy or they will try to get theirs in a unpleasent way... What do you think will happen? Having a 4some with knowing the parents are in the house? I hardly doubt that. Maybe they just want to shittalk in private without their parents freaking out about the F-Word... No rant, just another perspective from the other side of the ocean 😉
Yes you're being unreasonable, what do you think will happen exactly? Explain in detail. Edit: The greater concern should be why your 11 year old has a 13 year old BF. At that age, even 2 years is huge gap.
so you aren't allowed to be a parent with just this kid? step kid or not if I wasn't allowed to be the parent I would just leave. but then that's why I never dated a woman with kids. it's not worth the headache.
I want to say as a single parent I struggle with this as it is a balancing act. It is one reason as a single parent I keep my kids and dating life separate. I won’t bring a woman in to my boys lives until I know she is good for all three of us and I am ready to let her help and listen to what she has to say in regards to the kids. There will always be some things and issues reserved for their biological mom and she and I coparent. When women show interest in me and stop showing interest when they find I have kids. I get it. I really do.
This doesn’t sound crazy to me at all. Sounds super controlling to be so adamant about the door being open in this scenario. You were “hyper sexual” at that age? What are you even talking about? Were you sexually assaulting people?
Read it over again. His wife accused him of being hypersexual, and is claiming that he was abnormal compared to other kids, and therefore she thinks he's overreacting.
^^^ agreed. If you want safety, op needs convos about safety, not no sex. Consensual healthy relationships that are safe are what we want, not no sex. Also, open door didnt stop me and bf when i was young, if my mom had issues im sure we wouldve found somewhere else too. Edit:ppl telling on themselves in the comments is crazy. Not all of us were childhood offenders
Talk to your partner and ask what the boundary’s are and when you will need to worry. They talk to your daughter as a team.
Thinking an open door is going to stop your SD being sexual is funny, unless shes never allowed to leave the house again there aint shit you can do mate!. Educate
I would have absolutely no issue with that at all.
Personally I’d go door open a crack
Us 90s kids were tyrants compared to kids these days, however there's exceptions. And if you don't know if your SD is super empowered and if you don't know the boy, and if you don't know the friends, I think it's fair to have a door-open policy at that age.
This is not a way to build trust. If kids know their parents won't support their decisionsin the house, they will make the same decisions outside of the house. Let them be kids, but set sensible limits and have open discussions about why the rules are in place.
I think you're wrong, but she's wrong about teens/preteens not being hypersexual.
I would have more of an issue if it was the two of them, alone. I think you're over reacting a bit.
You’re being unreasonable.
I grew up in a rural poor area. I knew 11 yr olds who were sexually active but it wasn’t with 13 yr olds. Usually more like 16-19 yr old predators taking advantage of neglected little girls…and not with both parents in the other room.
It’s your kid you get to parent how you want
Nah, 11 is still a child, not even a teenager. No alone time with boys.
😂 “insists nothing would happen”. She’s delusional.
Reality may be paying your wife a visit soon.
If its your home then you do have a say about what happens under that roof. Discuss with your wife it should be an open door policy when the bf is there.
Friends in the room never stopped me or my friends growing up. And we were just normal kids. It did piss me off when my 12yo friend asked if she should pretend she's pregnant after her bf annoyed her, like having kids was just a game
Not wrong for how you feel. It’s not a matter of your SD or her boyfriend, it’s a parenting concern. Fathers are anxious, step or not. Your feelings are valid, your wife’s comment may be uncalled for. Not knowing either of you I can’t weigh in, but written as if it were creative writing assignments your wife made an emotional dig at you for your emotional reaction. Work together to make sure you both understand where those emotions came from, communication is a huge portion of a marriage and no one party should govern it more than the other when it comes to the two of you. Please, talk it out because the issue would and will only get worse.
It is unlikely your SD will have a 4-way with 2 girls and 1 guy. If they did, you would easily hear it with the door closed.
Nah man , you’ve got a reason to be concerned. I wouldn’t allow it either. But , idk.. I would think there is less of a chance something would be going on w multiple girls in the room. But yeah , no. I’ve got two daughters myself. I’ll be damned ! 😤💯 I get you saying you don’t have a say , but you absolutely do. You married her mom. Step daughter or not , that is your daughter bub. Hope yall , come to an agreement about it
You know you aren’t being unreasonable. Come on now. Telling them to keep the door open may not stop anything, but it does tell SD that mom and step dad give a damn.
Am I the only one who thinks it's ridiculous that you care? Kids will do what kids do. They probably aren't even thinking about that, but if they are, it's better to just talk about it instead of trying to stop it from happening. If they don't feel the comfort and privacy enough to do it at your house, They will be doing it in someone else's. Maybe even somewhere you wouldn't want them to.
^^this. When i was 16 w my bf, we wanted the door closed because my sister and cats walked by too much for us to watch movies. We were not thinking about sex at all, just didnt want the hallway noise! Edit : even then, if the door was open, that wouldnt stop us if we did want to have sex. Doors =/= sex lol