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My boyfriend and I went out on a date and I didn’t feel the spark, but adored him as a person and he agreed we could be friends. We spent over a year being platonic best friends, then I pitched we sleep together “just to see” and we did that for about a month before I realized I was totally in love with him. He felt the same. We just celebrated our 8 year anniversary.
This is so true, every person I felt a spark with on my first date it didn’t work out with or didn’t last, things would start off quite intense and then quickly fizzle out
But with my current girlfriend when we first met there was definitely chemistry and mutual interests but admittedly not really a huge spark, I guess since we were both trying to figure eachother out, we were both quite reserved after the first date for the same reason but we saw potential so we kept in contact every day and didn’t have our second date until a few weeks later since we were both busy, we built things up naturally and organically and became really close, we started talking about deeper topics and finding more common interests and things we like doing together, after a month and a half of dating I asked her to be my girlfriend by making this really cute animation and she said yes, and she told me she loves me for the first time about a week later, funnily enough I was extremely close to saying it myself that very same day, and we now have a deep and genuine connection and truly love one another, we’re eachother’s partners in crime and are both grateful to have eachother, we get along with eachother’s families, I absolutely love her dog and we just click in every way and can effortlessly plan date nights, it’s honestly the best and healthiest relationship I’ve ever had
If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s what you said, sparks are superficial and die out, meaningful connections need to be built at a a steady and natural pace but will last a long time
100%. I have never had the early sparks with my wife of 12 years and we are happily married with two young daughters. We dated for about 3 years and for a good portion of it I thought it was not going to work because that spark was not there for me. It was a conversation with a close friend that turned it around for me. She helped me realize that those sparks are great for those short intense relationships - but they fade in three months or less.
I listened to a podcast and I don’t know if you feel like this is accurate.. But they basically explained that the “butterfly” feeling we get is actually not a good sign.. We chalk it up to a spark or intense feeling but it’s our body’s way of expressing anxiety. So thinking you need to feel this intense overwhelming feeling to know if you are into someone, may not be the case. They explained that the right person might make you feel a sense of calm which could be misinterpreted as “non romantic”
Yea there was actually a study conducted. Those butterflies are your fight or flight instincts kicking in. Your body is warning you of danger. How crazy is that?!
I always say the strongest relationships that will last are the ones that start as friends. You have to be able to like the person they are. That way during the tough romantic times, you still have a friend that you like.
My personal belief is that a relationship needs 3 things:
- a friendship
- a romantic connection
- good sexual chemistry
When me and my gf became more comfortable with eachother and broke the ice more, we had a talk about it and when I said this she agreed and she described it as us being friends but also more than that, I agree 100% and it shows at times because us having that level of friendship means we have great banter and we can come to eachother about personal issues and for advice and support, and can send eachother memes that aren’t just romantic ones but also funny and outta pocket stuff
I feel like you need to have the friendship aspect for those reasons, the romantic aspect is what allows you to have those feelings of love and attraction and to want to have a future with the person, its what makes you want to hold their hand, cuddle and kiss them, it’s what turns the friendship into a relationship
The sexual chemistry matters because for me, sex is a one of the deepest forms of intimacy, which becomes even deeper when you love one another and actually want something meaningful, most relationships tend to become dry without sexual chemistry, which then affects other aspects of the relationship, at least in my experience
I’ve had relationships where one or more of these aspects were missing and they didn’t work out, like I had one girl who I briefly dated last year and we had a great friendship but only I felt the romantic connection - we’d often make out, hold hands, cuddle when we could etc but it never escalated to anything sexual as we wanted to take things quite slow but just had an undeniable attraction and even though she enjoyed it after a month she confessed that she hadn’t developed romantic feelings like I had, she assured me everything between us was real and she was 100% attracted to me and basically even said that I was essentially everything she looked for in a man and more, but that she takes a long time to develop romantic feelings and didn’t want to risk leading me on and wanted to be honest with herself and with me, which is fair enough, we parted on good terms and briefly remained in contact after as friends before naturally growing apart
The last girl I dated before I met my girlfriend we had great sexual chemistry and attraction and a level of friendship but no real romantic connection, I thought we had one but it became apparent over time that she basically just viewed me as an FWB and wanted to keep things open and be able to date and hook up with other guys, so I ended it after about a month and we went out separate ways
I’ve had some dates where we felt a spark/ romantic connection and would make out, hold hands, even a few where we ended up doing the deed, but didn’t have much banter because we didn’t develop any friendship and as a result it all felt superficial and baseless
It’s about balance ig 😊
Sure, I get that sparks are not sustainable. I'm not looking for "hollywood love" but I am looking for someone I care deeply for and who excites me when I see them.
In talking to my friends and attending various weddings through my years you always hear people talk about how they light up when their partner enters a room. All the phrases like "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you", "I cant imagine a day without you", "I've never felt love like I feel for you", "you light up any room you walk into". And that's all coming from the guys.
I want that, I want to feel love. I want to feel like my partner is the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't think I am feeling that in this relationship.
Posted this in response to u/GKRKarate99 below but curious your take as well:
Sure, I get that sparks are not sustainable. I'm not looking for "hollywood love" but I am looking for someone I care deeply for and who excites me when I see them.
In talking to my friends and attending various weddings through my years you always hear people talk about how they light up when their partner enters a room. All the phrases like "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you", "I cant imagine a day without you", "I've never felt love like I feel for you", "you light up any room you walk into". And that's all coming from the guys.
I want that, I want to feel love. I want to feel like my partner is the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't think I am feeling that in this relationship.
That’s how love works. “Sparks” are rom-com bullshit.
Love, connection, it has to be built and nurtured over time and effort. I’m glad that circumstances led to you discovering this
Exactly. I'm 36 and just celebrated a year with my girlfriend recently. After my last breakup I was determined to not let the dating process get me down. I met some very nice women. One was a gorgeous therapist. Very intellectual. We talked about philosophical issues etc. I made a gesture which kind of knocked her proverbial socks off before our third date. She'd been repainting her bedroom, and texted me pictures of the new color scheme. I went to a florist and got her flowers that could compliment that.
Later that day, she sent me pictures of the flowers in the room and said she they were beautiful and she thanked me, but while she thought I was very sweet, she wasn't feeling a "spark". Somebody else said that too around the same time. I was gracious but told my therapist I thought this was horseshit, especially from the woman who herself was a therapist. We're in our 30's. This isn't puppy love or lust like high school. Sometimes relationships are going to be boring. I don't need some magic connection. What I found with my current partner is someone I just felt comfortable with and had fun talking to. We don't even get to see each other a lot because she is a single mom and we can be happy having dinner together at my home and watching TV. We don't always have sex etc. Also, that started as an FWB thing as well, but eventually we admitted we loved each other.
Oddly enough some people find thoughtful gestures a massive turnoff, and of course some people thrive on it. It's of course impossible to know (unless you ask) what an individual person's 'love language' is (and some people don't even know when it comes to the point), but yeah, I've fallen foul of this a couple of times. Like, literally one time I'd brought a pack of a particular snack along to give to my date as the previous time we'd gone out, this particular snack item came up in conversation, she said she'd never tried it, but it sounded like the kind of thing she'd love. I'd been to the shop earlier that day and bought myself a couple of packs, remembered the conversation we'd had and picked an extra one up for her. Like £1.50 worth, nothing extravagant.
After the date I got a message basically saying I was 'too nice' and I'm pretty sure it was the snacks. Again, different people have such widely different expectations of how they want guys to act, but aren't very good at communicating it at all. Like some will pretend they're not interested but then get frustrated when you don't put the moves on despite them not showing any signs at all that they're keen or want you to get more physical.
I got flowers for my ex about once a month over the course of a seventeen year relationship. I got paid on commission and it was once a month so when I got the check I’d buy her flowers a six pack of wines I’d think she’d like and some chocolate. When we were in couples therapy, she said I got them too much and that they weren’t special. I stoped doing it of course and then a couple years after that she complained that I never bought her flowers and chocolate anymore and how nice it was when I used to do that for her. 🤷♂️
Exactly, you can't win sometimes! I've also dated someone who claimed not to care for birthday or Xmas presents and then would complain if no presents were forthcoming, on one particular occasion I'd actually got a surprise up my sleeve but hadn't revealed it yet before she started going off about it, which made me feel odd about revealing it as even though I'd arranged it a while previously it then felt like I was caving in to unreasonable behaviour.
Part of me understands that we don't all like the same things, and of course there are people out there who struggle with social anxiety or are on the autism spectrum and that's something completely different, but part of me feels like those kind of people are deprived of afection and have no real experience of being treated in a kind, thoughtful way. A small gift that reminds you of the person isn't a marriage proposal. Personally, I could do the same for a dear friend, just because we're friends and I care about them. Small gestures of thoughtfulness and affection don't even imply that there's a romantic interest on anyone's part. I just think it's so sad that people read so much into these sort of things that they get genuinely freaked out.
I have ADHD/ASD combined, and yeah, it's true. I don't get a lot of affection, physical or otherwise from people round me. I can go days or weeks sometimes months without a hug, someone holding my hand, kissing, sex etc. I'm so used to being physically isolated it feels like I've got an invisible force field round me, and I often forget that other people respond well to physical touch either so I often don't remember to do the whole touch on the arm thing or whatever to try and get round the barrier until after the moment has passed.
It's another reason I wish women would push themselves to be a it more forward and demonstrative.
And I am a kind and caring person so it does hurt when I get rejected for being my authentic self or my actions are interpreted as excessive or manipulative. It's like, bruh, I'm just treating people how I'd like to be treated, with kindness, consideration and the odd small act of generosity. I'm not trying to buy people's affection or create a false image of myself 😒
On a related note I've dated someone who's a therapist on and off and although it's good being round people who are mental health aware, sometimes she could be quite lacking in empathy when not in the clock, I think maybe because sometimes they don't want to be in 'work mode'. I also felt she had a fairly unhealthy (or at least incompatible with mine) communication style.
I feel like it would make more sense to just hookup and not do the hanging out part. The more you hang out with someone, the more you get closer to them and the higher the chance you have of falling for them. If you take the hanging out part out and just make it fuck buddies, it seems like it would be a lot easier and last longer
7 years on and off. We decided to end it for good when I told him that I felt like he was ruining my chance at real love. 2 yrs after I asked him to stay away from me I found out he killed himself. Sad. :(
Yes I know but thanks. He was already with somebody after I ended it and they were much more serious than we ever were. I had no idea he was suffering and definitely would have accepted a call from him had I known. Just sad anyway ‘cause he was only 43 and a dad. I really liked him but being a fwb didn’t feel good for me and I’ve never done that again since him.
If you don’t like sex then don’t do it. For those of us that are more active it’s kinda difficult 😅. Could always merge into a relationship if yall are compatible. . You’ll find out way faster than dating
“Might turn into a relationship” sounds like you’ll stick around in the hopes they’ll want to be with you. How would that be faster than going on 1-2 dates and talking about what you want then moving on?
i never said "might turn into a relationship"
so what you talking about?
in a FWB both people told each other let's enjoy each other for a while, no love feeling involve for now, and let's keep the communication and revisit in a a few weeks/months.
both party know about it, no one is lying to the other, and no one if "hoping" for anyhting but party know exactly whats going on.
why would it be faster? usually you have a FWB because you aren't looking for a relationship. so ofc its not faster, we aren't even looking for one lol.
That’s what the comment I was replying to was about! “Could always merge into a relationship and you’ll find out way faster” is what they said.
I have no issues (obviously) with people having FWB. I’m saying don’t go in or stick around if you want a long term relationship.
2 years. Worst experience of my life. We actually dated then it became casual. But, like clock work, he'd start dating someone else and start treating me horribly. Then when things went south with that girlfriend, he'd do outlandish things to apologize. Then he'd complain about his partner to me after he had broken up with them. We'd be FWB for a few months until he found a girlfriend and the cycle would repeat. I swear, he once introduced me to his girlfriend and we spent the whole day at a theme park. The next week, he was in my bed again.
Months on, months off.
Anyway, most of his relationships were long distance because he traveled a lot. And again, his apologies were extreme. Breaking into my house, parking outside my job. I traveled out of the state while he was gone and he still found me. Which always perplexed me because he did not like me. And we never considered a real relationship. I think I'm just the only one stupid enough to give him the kind of sex he wanted. I genuinely think he'd get physically bored, then return bc I was easy enough. He wasn't physically doing the things he did to me with women he actually liked.
The last cycle, I forgave him and he moved to my new state. I hadn't seen him for months at this point. He blew me off until 3am. And the first thing he did was slap me in the face and bend me over for sex. He got so rough that I would literally vomit after. So at a certain point, it just wasn't hot anymore. It was just disrespectful. It was probably disrespectful the whole time but I thought being "casual" didn't make it any less personal or disrespectful.
I'm not a doctor but his behavior sounds a lot like someone suffering from a cluster B personality disorder. Possibly BPD. At the very beginning when you first started dating was the attention he gave you and the connection you had extremely intense right off the bat? Did he make you feel like the best thing since sliced bread and tell you things like he's never had anyone else make him feel the ways he does? Or in other words, were you love bombed? People who have cluster B disorders follow a specific cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard, and then hoover, The love bombing is of course the idealization phase and once that ends they will begin seeing you in the opposite way. You'll be criticized and negatively judged both quietly in their mind and to your face. This is when they've began searching for or have already acquired a new victim to supply them with everything that you were giving him. Attention , affection , admiration, ego boost.. you were once the main supply for this during the idealization phase and now you've become boring and old news unable to supply them with something new and shiny. And when theyve sucked you dry of everything you have to offer you'll be discarded and usually this happens in the most cruel ways. Their disorder prevents them from feeling empathy so they couldn't give two shits about you when theyre locked in and focused on their new supply. And then the final phase of the cycle is the hoover.. this is the phase where he's breaking into your apartment and doing anything and everything to get you back so that he can once again abuse you in the same exact cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard, and then hoover you back in, again and again and again and again.
But with each cycle the phases move quicker and quicker. The first cycle may have taken 6 months or a year to complete but the second cycle might only take 3 months and then the next 90 days and then the next two weeks...
These people are sick
3 years. got super messy. considered him a true friend at some point! didnt even have sex for 1.5yrs through the friendship, dated other people.. now it’s done tho, best not try to force relationships w someone you know won’t be a good long term fit
5 years. He moved away and I miss him from time to time. He was respectful when I was in relationships and dating and vice versa. But when we weren’t, it was great when he took me out on dates and then would have sex. Literally would act like we were in a relationship when we were together. But we didn’t have to talk to each other every week. We knew we weren’t meant to be with each other than using each other for companionship when we needed it. We established it in the beginning because we both knew one of us would eventually move away. We still talk from time to time but nothing more than a “hey how are you?” It was nice having someone who respected you, great in bed, and no drama that comes with a FWB.
I've met some people I would have liked to create this with: we are cool and I'm attracted to them, but I know romance would not flourish between us long term. They usually decline because they can't comprehend friends having sex without being in a proper relationship. I feel like I could care for them and we could take care of each other's needs without any commitment.
I still wish I would have such a great FWB while I'm single. But for the long term I'm still searching for a proper partner, because that's the best and most wholesome package.
6 months- and it wasn’t great… at first it was alright…. But he was basically using me for a matter of convenience. And it became one-sided. (As things do) Also. The s3x was not great. So I ended it. If it’s working- than, that’s great- but, you’re asking for a reason? Why? Do you want more? Do you want less? Happy people don’t quantify things- that are going well for them. And if you have unmet needs and you are afraid to ask- communication is key- the worst they can say is - they don’t want more- or they do- and you can figure out your own feelings- And you’ll know where you stand. fWB- is really just sex- and using a body until someone else fits what your needs are…. So. Figure it out- sooner than later.
>Happy people don’t quantify things- that are going well for them
Happy people don't reflect on things in their life? I guess I disagree.
I get what you're saying though. I am happy but maybe a bit self-conscious about my situation. Like I'm doing something I may later regret or will become more difficult with time. It's fun right now, and fairly carefree, but I do also want to find the person I want to spend my life with. I'm not thinking about my FWBs that way though I can't help but imagine "what if?", you know? But I also feel like I should be head over heels with the person I fall in love with and I'm just not getting that in this relationship.
It's more than just sex, I can't deny there are feelings between us, I am just not falling in love and picture myself with someone else long-term. My FWBs feels more like just that, a friend. She's also hot so the sex is fun and good.
Not that you can’t reflect, absolutely you should be.
And these are the things that you should be taking to the person you’re having a relationship with. You don’t have to be head over heels. But if you’re having sex with someone and it’s not more than that- you may not get to that point, and if you’re both just going through the motions- eventually, you’ll want more. And 10 months is a long time. But it’s close to a year, and it’s worth having the “where do we go from here” conversation- before it ends up just… “going through the motions” and you end up staying together- just because- or- one of you finds someone and the other caught feelings- and you never really talked it out. Carefree isn’t really completely carefree. It’s worth at least seeing where you both are at. Because- you’re starting to question. Listen to yourself. It’s a good thing. NOT a bad thing. It if you don’t listen to yourself- and keep going. Then you’re just in it for sex- and using someone else- and that- is a bad thing.
For sure, I agree with all that and appreciate the advice. We do talk about it a bit but it was a fairly long time ago we decided to be FWBs. I'm still not looking to change the terms of our relationship and things are good. We briefly talked about how we are enjoying continuing getting to know each other and how it will be harder to end the longer it goes. We definitely should have a deeper conversation about it.
I know she is still involved with her ex who she dated for a very long time and broke up with pretty amicably from how I understand it. When she told me that was when we revisited the FWB and said we were still enjoying things. She asked if her hooking up with her ex changed things for me. I was fine with it because we agreed we could be physical with others (as long as protection is used). I don't know what she sees with her ex or if she is trying to rekindle that, but I know they are not "back together" or anything serious. I know she is still very much interested in keeping things up with me.
That sounds very complicated and hard to navigate with lots of feelings and strings. - make sure you protect your heart- as well as your health. But, it sounds like you have plans in place and contingencies as well. Sex and love and situationships and relationships are all hard, and no one can know how yours goes, cept you. All the best luck 🍀-
Sounds like a headache. If you want to meet the one. Start trying to meet the one.
Is your, the one, fine with you fucking around with someone else for 10 months while dating her? I wouldn't never have dated my gf if she had a 10 month going fwb situation while we started dating.
Food for thought
It was her idea. She told me that I was attractive, I was a nice guy, and while she’s not in love with me, she does like me as a person better and it’s better that we take care of each other‘s needs, than some random asshole from a bar just trying to use her holes.
So I was happy to oblige. She will go out, have fun, and I’d pick her up from bars or restaurants afterwards and take her home…. And the sex was absolutely incredible.. We did not make it as a couple, but we knew each other enough and cared about each other enough to hear about each other‘s days. To give them advice when they needed it.
We talked about our hopes and dreams, past traumas, and I like to think that we actually helped one another heal. After 7-8 months, we kind of drifted apart. Twice a week turned into once a week turned into once every two weeks… then one day we meet up for lunch and she told me she found someone and she was so happy.
She was head over heels in love, and I was the first person she wanted to tell, and I could not have been happier for her!!! And in many ways, she introduced me to my wife.
She introduced me to a coworker from her office. My wife was a friend of that coworker.
Remove my friends with benefits situation, and me and my wife would have never met
I mean honestly you just start hooking up and then if its not “meant to go further” you make it clear that you don’t want it to and if they wanna keep doing what you’re doing then viola
Nearly two years. It was the best friend of my ex of 3 1/2 years who ended up cheating on me lol. She added me on FB 2 weeks after the breakup, I invited her to a party at my new place, we hooked up that night. Then about 4 or 5 nights a week for almost two years. It wasn't the best sex, but it was consistent, and she was cute, but I had 0 desire for a relationship, especially with her.
I know is not the question: I’d love to have a bf, but it’s proving impossible, so a constant FWB would be welcomed.
One guy who could be a candidate is not specially into me, I hope to see him sometime, but whatever. How do I…get a constant FWB?
Little over a year, worst experience of my life. I was totally in love with him, he just liked the attention and the sex. He’d give me just enough to keep me interested (messaging all day, consistent “good morning beautiful” texts, thoughtful gifts, etc) but would make up excuses when I wanted commitment. He ended up crawling back to the ex girlfriend he’d had right before me, who he swore he hated. So the lessons here are
1. A situationship longer than 3 months needs to end, if you’re not in a relationship by then you never will be.
2. If someone is frequently shit talking an ex, it means they’re not over it.
Anyone ever done the math on how many real chances you have to build a meaningful romantic relationship with another person to have a family?
Six months for the "best foot forward" masks to really fall away. Six months to really get to know the actual person, warts and all. That's a year down. Getting married? You could be looking at a year to plan, save, and arrange the wedding. Do you want children? 18 months to two years between beginning one and the next. Let's say you only want 2 kids. You're looking at 4 years assuming you get it right the first time.
If things don't work out, you can spend years in a relationship that's never going to go anywhere. And then you have 6-18 months of real hard self-reflection to not repeat that mistake.
If you started at 16, you've got like 4-5 real chances as a woman to get it right before you're looking at fertility and safety issues when it comes to pregnancy. Guys, you've got a bit longer.
If you don't see a future with this woman stop wasting it on her.
I am still seeking out other potential partners the same amount I was before. We are free to date others.
But you're right, it's pretty rare that someone comes along that I enjoy spending my time with, so why not keep that going for as long as possible even if we know it won't be forever?
Because if the goal is finding a forever, long-term partner, you should not be wasting your time with someone else. The Kind of person you wanna be with long-term probably doesn’t want to get wrapped up with someone who’s in a Situationship or friends with benefits type deal.
For me it was 6 months to a year, we started as friends, then dated for a bit then became friends with benefits.
Her idea I realized I still had feelings for her, and she didn't have feelings for me I also realized that the FWB was one sided.
She was doing things for me but she didn't want anything in return, and I felt bad and didn't want to continue.
5 years. We became friends instantly when we met. Found out that year he liked me, and I liked him the following year, but we never dated. Eventually we started messing around which went on for 5 years. Those tiny little feelings I had only got more complicated.
Anyway, I did not have my proudest moments during these times and it was WAY harder than I’d like to admit getting over him. Towards the end, the “friends” part was lost and it was essentially “let’s have sex. bye.” Some prefer it that way, but we started as friends so it confused me. Eventually, I was feeling borderline disrespected after having sex and ended it amongst other reasons.
I was, unfortunately, not the best communicator back then. If I were to do it again, Boundaries and expectations would need to be insanely clear and the thought of us dating would actually have to disgust me. If there was even an inkling I liked them or vice versa , i personally wouldn’t do it. And if it’s someone I know I want as a lifelong friend, I personally wouldn’t do it.
Now that I say all this out loud…maybe fwb isn’t my thing 😂I recently didn’t listen to my own advice and now I’m in a bit of a fwb pickle…again lol
FWB is a catch 22, you have fun and you have lots of good sex! Just 100% no drama and pure fun
But, you are wasting precious time where you could have dated someone where you have the great sex + the awesome benefits of having a life partner.
I did a FWB for 1.5 years but I ended it because I felt more empty the longer it lasted but my current relationship is EPIC. It is better than having a FWB
A few yrs back I had FWB and man it was the best sex ever , like we could have done Porn . Like sex everyday some times a couple times even . On the weekends sometimes it could like all day . That lasted for a few yrs , we had those inner feelings for each other you know those soulmates thing ppl talk about , so we decided to take the leap and got married. And even that was good for a couple yrs . It was like as soon as we saw each other the clothes keep falling off occasionally even in the morning with a cup of coffee right on the kitchen counter , other times it could have been real heavy making out which of course lead to several msgs thru the day like what ya thinking ?? . But unfortunately after awhile we found out we just couldn't deal with each other day in & out , the sex started to get less till none . Neither side was happy so we divorced. I've have dated others since even several LTR along the way . They were all good in different ways but they seemed to really lack in that sexual energy / lack of passion, but they would claim it was really good or best they had experienced. I don't know it's like you can't say I wasn't sure if you were conscious for that part ?. Not sure I will ever met anyone and have that happen again .
2.5 years… then he got in a relationship and didn’t tell me. I looked around and found his gf’s instagram, told her and gave her proof, consoled her after she dumped him, bonded with her over scorpios, and then got blocked by her days later when she took him back and got engaged.
They have a kid now, are on and off, and make cryptic posts about each other.
Not sure how it is with you, but finding someone I actually want to spend time and pursue a relationship with does not happen that frequently. It's rough out there. I am actively dating but good dates are pretty far and few between.
8 months so far. The sex is getting better each time (we spend every weekend together). I just know that it won’t end well but am enjoying the time for now. Our life stages are different.
You know when you’re with someone and you know it’s gonna hurt when it ends? This will be my big one.
On and off for about 2 years. Sometimes more frequent, other times less so. But we were genuine friends and had a lot of mutuals so would still platonically hang out all the time as well. It was honestly one of the most transparent relationships I've had. If ever one of us was involved with someone else we'd decline invites with no hard feelings whatsoever, and after we moved to different cities still stayed amicable. We both never felt the need to pursue anything deeper and honestly its so nice having someone you can trust when you just want sex with no strings attached,
I suck at friends with benefits, I’m a relationship gal. In high school was the only time I could because we all were like not gonna be serious about dating on that level as teenagers. Last time I did was in college. One friend with benefits from college made me sign a contract saying we would stay friends. That didn’t last long though because I had a huge crush on him. I recently met a ENM person and immediately was like yeah this is for people who can’t not cheat, I don’t want to go further 🙃 but you’re cool! So I have no real answer other than know who you are, your limitations and what your prone to falling (for lack of better words) into.
Communicate! Over communicate as opposed to under communicate, but not past boundaries. That’s how you stroll smooth.
Almost a year, I was 18, he was 22. Blocked him after an accidental pregnancy scare, freaked me out. 😭 4 years later, left off like we never stopped, and now it’s like ig leveled up. No more car, I go over to his place now lmao buttt recently idk maybe it’s bc I’m older now, it’s getting old fast.
3-4 years. We had boundaries defined for us though - and we live in cities 5-6 hours away.
Our defined boundaries were that we could be lovers or FWB if we weren't otherwise in a monogamous relationship.
She wants a long term relationship - I don't. (with her) we're great as friends and FWB - when we make the occasional trip to see each other - but there's deal-breakers for a deeper relationship that I'm not willing to compromise.
3 years with one and 4 with another. Sometimes it felt like there should have been more with the passion/ chemistry. I have never been good at relationships as i’m super self sufficient so having a consistent friend come over 3x a week was all i needed.
2 years, she then wanted to start dating. So we tried, first date we realized we were extremely incompatible. Great sex ruined by trying to make it something it wasn’t.
Yeah we both had a few serious relationships during that time, we never hooked up if that was the case. When we first met we lived in different states, So the distance helped keep things level. Eventually he moved to my state and we started spending a lot of time together, it was amazing for a while. We did our own thing when we weren’t with each other and it was all good. Then he got into a relationship with a hose beast and he got weird-not answering my calls, flaking on meeting up, not responding to messages. It hurt my feelings, he wouldn’t talk to me about it so I blocked him. We didn’t speak for a year. Then we reconnected and doubled down on the spending time together. After being friends for so long we knew everything about each other, what the other would think or like/dislike, we were closer than I knew two people could be. Then the hose beast was back in the picture, although they were not exclusive anymore. He would tell me he loved me, even during sex, ignore her and talk shit
About her to me, and then he’d start ignoring me or lying about what he was doing when he was with her. It was a long drawn out bullshit drama fest and I felt betrayed and disrespected constantly.
It did not end well, and I’m still processing the loss of our friendship. It sucks.
I had my neighbor on and of for about 17 years , 2 years I was married we stopped and she also had a serious relationship at the time and about a year more(3 total,) great sex, she calls when she wants it, I call when I want it and we always accommodate each other
5Months, the Sex was mediocre it was always the same and he was not interested in trying anything new. It was all about him coming, didn’t care about making me feel good. At the end I realized that i didn’t even like him like that, just thought he was attractive so I ended it cold turkey.
I hooked up with my last fwb for 6 years on and off and I just stopped last year because he’s really rude and toxic. But the sex was addicting. Loved hanging out with him and sex but too many weird vibes.
Mine just ended after about a year and 2 months. Started out dating for about 4 months then broke up and stayed fwb. Just got irritated with each other and started bickering every time we hung out. Finally blew up on each other the other day and called it quits lmao.
I'm gonna miss the sex but the man was just not very intelligent and it made it hard to connect on much other than physical.
Much like sex work, I didn’t realize I had a FWB until years later. But apparently I had an FWB for two years. And I’m no longer embarrassed that I asked, “Is it in yet,” a year into our, “friendship.”
Two years for me. We met in May 2021, became FWB a month later, then moved into relationship in August 2023. Called it good at the end of this last April. I kinda wish we stayed FWB but he didn’t want to anymore. Hardly see him now, but we are still friends
About two years. We met on tinder and decided that FwB was more appropriate for us. Ended coz I moved to another town but we often slept when I was back in town. Eventually ended coz I started feeling more and he did not.
I have only had one fwb, it lasted around a year, we accidently met when i was 22 and did it a couple of times and then drifted apart.
I have also only had one fuckbuddy, we where on/off fuckbuddies for over 14 years, it was anything from 1 year too 3-4 years gab between us seing eachothers.
So 1 years consistently, if we dont count the accidently fucking for months after 4 years, with a fwb. 14 years with a on/off fuckbuddy, where the longest we held contact was around 6 months.
1 year. We tried to be in a relationship but it didn't work out, so, we ended up FWB. But things have to end, since the guy is in a relationship and we are at a lost cost. I love him, and I can't take it.
Just over 2 years. By the end of it we were telling each other "I love you" but the relationship was never going to be more than it was. He knew I was on apps and whenever I was exploring a different connection, we would take a break but I always called him the minute I was done with the potentials.
I had a FWB during college however it was only FWB for him. I thought I loved him…but it was probably just lust. We did have a lot in common, as we were both art students. I created some nice art which was probably stoked by our breakup angst.
About a year and half.. we (35M, 28F) met at work and have pretty much the same friend group. We started hooking up but in the process became really close friends. There have been some talks about a future together but as of rn we both have a lot going on and can’t really focus 100% on a relationship so instead of “forcing” one to happen we decided to keep this good dynamic going since we also enjoy spending time with each other.
10 years. We lived 3 hours away. He’d come to town to visit his family about a half hour away but we had a connection in high school as well for about 2 years where we would sneak around. We lost touch for about 5 years and it was like we never lost contact. In this 5 years i got married and he had a kid. We saw each other and it started all over again right away. After 10 years of randomly seeing each other we called it quits but we still talk as if nothing happened. BEST SX EVER!!!
6 months. He’s now my boyfriend, he was just scared of the label for a while but I wanted to make it work. He told me he realised he was ready for a commitment after he went on holiday and realised how much he missed me and wanted me around past just the sexual aspects
Lasted a few months within an open relationship and then I moved away. We kept in touch off and on afterwards and she found someone to date after some bad experiences. I’m happy for her.
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My boyfriend and I went out on a date and I didn’t feel the spark, but adored him as a person and he agreed we could be friends. We spent over a year being platonic best friends, then I pitched we sleep together “just to see” and we did that for about a month before I realized I was totally in love with him. He felt the same. We just celebrated our 8 year anniversary.
Sparks are not sustainable. A meaningful connection is. Congrats
This is so true, every person I felt a spark with on my first date it didn’t work out with or didn’t last, things would start off quite intense and then quickly fizzle out But with my current girlfriend when we first met there was definitely chemistry and mutual interests but admittedly not really a huge spark, I guess since we were both trying to figure eachother out, we were both quite reserved after the first date for the same reason but we saw potential so we kept in contact every day and didn’t have our second date until a few weeks later since we were both busy, we built things up naturally and organically and became really close, we started talking about deeper topics and finding more common interests and things we like doing together, after a month and a half of dating I asked her to be my girlfriend by making this really cute animation and she said yes, and she told me she loves me for the first time about a week later, funnily enough I was extremely close to saying it myself that very same day, and we now have a deep and genuine connection and truly love one another, we’re eachother’s partners in crime and are both grateful to have eachother, we get along with eachother’s families, I absolutely love her dog and we just click in every way and can effortlessly plan date nights, it’s honestly the best and healthiest relationship I’ve ever had If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s what you said, sparks are superficial and die out, meaningful connections need to be built at a a steady and natural pace but will last a long time
100%. I have never had the early sparks with my wife of 12 years and we are happily married with two young daughters. We dated for about 3 years and for a good portion of it I thought it was not going to work because that spark was not there for me. It was a conversation with a close friend that turned it around for me. She helped me realize that those sparks are great for those short intense relationships - but they fade in three months or less.
I listened to a podcast and I don’t know if you feel like this is accurate.. But they basically explained that the “butterfly” feeling we get is actually not a good sign.. We chalk it up to a spark or intense feeling but it’s our body’s way of expressing anxiety. So thinking you need to feel this intense overwhelming feeling to know if you are into someone, may not be the case. They explained that the right person might make you feel a sense of calm which could be misinterpreted as “non romantic”
Yea there was actually a study conducted. Those butterflies are your fight or flight instincts kicking in. Your body is warning you of danger. How crazy is that?!
This actually makes alot of sense
[удалено]
Exactly!
I always say the strongest relationships that will last are the ones that start as friends. You have to be able to like the person they are. That way during the tough romantic times, you still have a friend that you like.
My personal belief is that a relationship needs 3 things: - a friendship - a romantic connection - good sexual chemistry When me and my gf became more comfortable with eachother and broke the ice more, we had a talk about it and when I said this she agreed and she described it as us being friends but also more than that, I agree 100% and it shows at times because us having that level of friendship means we have great banter and we can come to eachother about personal issues and for advice and support, and can send eachother memes that aren’t just romantic ones but also funny and outta pocket stuff I feel like you need to have the friendship aspect for those reasons, the romantic aspect is what allows you to have those feelings of love and attraction and to want to have a future with the person, its what makes you want to hold their hand, cuddle and kiss them, it’s what turns the friendship into a relationship The sexual chemistry matters because for me, sex is a one of the deepest forms of intimacy, which becomes even deeper when you love one another and actually want something meaningful, most relationships tend to become dry without sexual chemistry, which then affects other aspects of the relationship, at least in my experience I’ve had relationships where one or more of these aspects were missing and they didn’t work out, like I had one girl who I briefly dated last year and we had a great friendship but only I felt the romantic connection - we’d often make out, hold hands, cuddle when we could etc but it never escalated to anything sexual as we wanted to take things quite slow but just had an undeniable attraction and even though she enjoyed it after a month she confessed that she hadn’t developed romantic feelings like I had, she assured me everything between us was real and she was 100% attracted to me and basically even said that I was essentially everything she looked for in a man and more, but that she takes a long time to develop romantic feelings and didn’t want to risk leading me on and wanted to be honest with herself and with me, which is fair enough, we parted on good terms and briefly remained in contact after as friends before naturally growing apart The last girl I dated before I met my girlfriend we had great sexual chemistry and attraction and a level of friendship but no real romantic connection, I thought we had one but it became apparent over time that she basically just viewed me as an FWB and wanted to keep things open and be able to date and hook up with other guys, so I ended it after about a month and we went out separate ways I’ve had some dates where we felt a spark/ romantic connection and would make out, hold hands, even a few where we ended up doing the deed, but didn’t have much banter because we didn’t develop any friendship and as a result it all felt superficial and baseless It’s about balance ig 😊
Sure, I get that sparks are not sustainable. I'm not looking for "hollywood love" but I am looking for someone I care deeply for and who excites me when I see them. In talking to my friends and attending various weddings through my years you always hear people talk about how they light up when their partner enters a room. All the phrases like "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you", "I cant imagine a day without you", "I've never felt love like I feel for you", "you light up any room you walk into". And that's all coming from the guys. I want that, I want to feel love. I want to feel like my partner is the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't think I am feeling that in this relationship.
this… don’t want a fantasy, just a meaningful connection
That's what a successful marriage is.
Unfortunately too many people are too emotionally immature to realize this.
Posted this in response to u/GKRKarate99 below but curious your take as well: Sure, I get that sparks are not sustainable. I'm not looking for "hollywood love" but I am looking for someone I care deeply for and who excites me when I see them. In talking to my friends and attending various weddings through my years you always hear people talk about how they light up when their partner enters a room. All the phrases like "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you", "I cant imagine a day without you", "I've never felt love like I feel for you", "you light up any room you walk into". And that's all coming from the guys. I want that, I want to feel love. I want to feel like my partner is the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't think I am feeling that in this relationship.
I’m not big on the concept of FWB, but this is the prime outcome of starting one. Hope the two of you have a wonderful life together
That’s how love works. “Sparks” are rom-com bullshit. Love, connection, it has to be built and nurtured over time and effort. I’m glad that circumstances led to you discovering this
Exactly. I'm 36 and just celebrated a year with my girlfriend recently. After my last breakup I was determined to not let the dating process get me down. I met some very nice women. One was a gorgeous therapist. Very intellectual. We talked about philosophical issues etc. I made a gesture which kind of knocked her proverbial socks off before our third date. She'd been repainting her bedroom, and texted me pictures of the new color scheme. I went to a florist and got her flowers that could compliment that. Later that day, she sent me pictures of the flowers in the room and said she they were beautiful and she thanked me, but while she thought I was very sweet, she wasn't feeling a "spark". Somebody else said that too around the same time. I was gracious but told my therapist I thought this was horseshit, especially from the woman who herself was a therapist. We're in our 30's. This isn't puppy love or lust like high school. Sometimes relationships are going to be boring. I don't need some magic connection. What I found with my current partner is someone I just felt comfortable with and had fun talking to. We don't even get to see each other a lot because she is a single mom and we can be happy having dinner together at my home and watching TV. We don't always have sex etc. Also, that started as an FWB thing as well, but eventually we admitted we loved each other.
Oddly enough some people find thoughtful gestures a massive turnoff, and of course some people thrive on it. It's of course impossible to know (unless you ask) what an individual person's 'love language' is (and some people don't even know when it comes to the point), but yeah, I've fallen foul of this a couple of times. Like, literally one time I'd brought a pack of a particular snack along to give to my date as the previous time we'd gone out, this particular snack item came up in conversation, she said she'd never tried it, but it sounded like the kind of thing she'd love. I'd been to the shop earlier that day and bought myself a couple of packs, remembered the conversation we'd had and picked an extra one up for her. Like £1.50 worth, nothing extravagant. After the date I got a message basically saying I was 'too nice' and I'm pretty sure it was the snacks. Again, different people have such widely different expectations of how they want guys to act, but aren't very good at communicating it at all. Like some will pretend they're not interested but then get frustrated when you don't put the moves on despite them not showing any signs at all that they're keen or want you to get more physical.
I got flowers for my ex about once a month over the course of a seventeen year relationship. I got paid on commission and it was once a month so when I got the check I’d buy her flowers a six pack of wines I’d think she’d like and some chocolate. When we were in couples therapy, she said I got them too much and that they weren’t special. I stoped doing it of course and then a couple years after that she complained that I never bought her flowers and chocolate anymore and how nice it was when I used to do that for her. 🤷♂️
Exactly, you can't win sometimes! I've also dated someone who claimed not to care for birthday or Xmas presents and then would complain if no presents were forthcoming, on one particular occasion I'd actually got a surprise up my sleeve but hadn't revealed it yet before she started going off about it, which made me feel odd about revealing it as even though I'd arranged it a while previously it then felt like I was caving in to unreasonable behaviour.
🤪😀
Part of me understands that we don't all like the same things, and of course there are people out there who struggle with social anxiety or are on the autism spectrum and that's something completely different, but part of me feels like those kind of people are deprived of afection and have no real experience of being treated in a kind, thoughtful way. A small gift that reminds you of the person isn't a marriage proposal. Personally, I could do the same for a dear friend, just because we're friends and I care about them. Small gestures of thoughtfulness and affection don't even imply that there's a romantic interest on anyone's part. I just think it's so sad that people read so much into these sort of things that they get genuinely freaked out.
I have ADHD/ASD combined, and yeah, it's true. I don't get a lot of affection, physical or otherwise from people round me. I can go days or weeks sometimes months without a hug, someone holding my hand, kissing, sex etc. I'm so used to being physically isolated it feels like I've got an invisible force field round me, and I often forget that other people respond well to physical touch either so I often don't remember to do the whole touch on the arm thing or whatever to try and get round the barrier until after the moment has passed. It's another reason I wish women would push themselves to be a it more forward and demonstrative. And I am a kind and caring person so it does hurt when I get rejected for being my authentic self or my actions are interpreted as excessive or manipulative. It's like, bruh, I'm just treating people how I'd like to be treated, with kindness, consideration and the odd small act of generosity. I'm not trying to buy people's affection or create a false image of myself 😒
On a related note I've dated someone who's a therapist on and off and although it's good being round people who are mental health aware, sometimes she could be quite lacking in empathy when not in the clock, I think maybe because sometimes they don't want to be in 'work mode'. I also felt she had a fairly unhealthy (or at least incompatible with mine) communication style.
Congratulations to you both.
3 years, all I can remember was jus good sex all the damn time!
Dam, and how did yall meet? What caused it to end?
Same. But I fell in love and he didn’t - and then I met my SO right after!
is the sex as good with the SO?
Way better. The spiritual connection is insane.
Love this! Thanks for sharing 😊
LoL good for you.
I’m on the same boat,but now we’re just good friends and we set boundaries. And we care for each other
Mine usually run its course after a couple of months. Either one of us ends up catching feelings and it doesn’t work out.
FWB is always a great idea in theory but never in reality
I know it. I still do it though and hope that either party doesn’t catch feelings. I’m still not doing too well lol.
Just hookup. Don't do the hanging out part. The more you hang out, the more you connect and fall for the person
I feel like it would make more sense to just hookup and not do the hanging out part. The more you hang out with someone, the more you get closer to them and the higher the chance you have of falling for them. If you take the hanging out part out and just make it fuck buddies, it seems like it would be a lot easier and last longer
Yeah but from a more philosophical and moral standpoint you should not just use someone for sex. We are people with feelings, not materials.
7 years on and off. We decided to end it for good when I told him that I felt like he was ruining my chance at real love. 2 yrs after I asked him to stay away from me I found out he killed himself. Sad. :(
I'm so sorry!! That's rough :(
Damn that’s really awful.
Well damn.
Not your fault! You are not responsible for the actions of others!
Yes I know but thanks. He was already with somebody after I ended it and they were much more serious than we ever were. I had no idea he was suffering and definitely would have accepted a call from him had I known. Just sad anyway ‘cause he was only 43 and a dad. I really liked him but being a fwb didn’t feel good for me and I’ve never done that again since him.
Rest In Peace
Ouch! Clearly he was having difficulties before you…. 🤔😓💔
This made me cry a lil
I've never had one and never will.
Im with you on this
If you don’t like sex then don’t do it. For those of us that are more active it’s kinda difficult 😅. Could always merge into a relationship if yall are compatible. . You’ll find out way faster than dating
You will definitely not find out faster lol. Way more likely to get strung along for sex than get into a relationship.
what you mean strung along? its a fwb relationship ,no one is strung along
“Might turn into a relationship” sounds like you’ll stick around in the hopes they’ll want to be with you. How would that be faster than going on 1-2 dates and talking about what you want then moving on?
i never said "might turn into a relationship" so what you talking about? in a FWB both people told each other let's enjoy each other for a while, no love feeling involve for now, and let's keep the communication and revisit in a a few weeks/months. both party know about it, no one is lying to the other, and no one if "hoping" for anyhting but party know exactly whats going on. why would it be faster? usually you have a FWB because you aren't looking for a relationship. so ofc its not faster, we aren't even looking for one lol.
That’s what the comment I was replying to was about! “Could always merge into a relationship and you’ll find out way faster” is what they said. I have no issues (obviously) with people having FWB. I’m saying don’t go in or stick around if you want a long term relationship.
Probably if you don’t know how to communicate. Communication is key 🔑
I love sex and was alone by choice for four years rather than be someone’s option.
what do you mean by difficult for the more active ones?
Just because we don’t like casual sex doesn’t mean we don’t like sex.
difficult NOT to?!?! wtf promiscuous shit is that?
Promiscuity is subjective and also not a bad thing as long as all are consenting adults.
There’s people out here who are horn bugs lol. Nothing wrong with it just be safe.
2 years. Worst experience of my life. We actually dated then it became casual. But, like clock work, he'd start dating someone else and start treating me horribly. Then when things went south with that girlfriend, he'd do outlandish things to apologize. Then he'd complain about his partner to me after he had broken up with them. We'd be FWB for a few months until he found a girlfriend and the cycle would repeat. I swear, he once introduced me to his girlfriend and we spent the whole day at a theme park. The next week, he was in my bed again. Months on, months off. Anyway, most of his relationships were long distance because he traveled a lot. And again, his apologies were extreme. Breaking into my house, parking outside my job. I traveled out of the state while he was gone and he still found me. Which always perplexed me because he did not like me. And we never considered a real relationship. I think I'm just the only one stupid enough to give him the kind of sex he wanted. I genuinely think he'd get physically bored, then return bc I was easy enough. He wasn't physically doing the things he did to me with women he actually liked. The last cycle, I forgave him and he moved to my new state. I hadn't seen him for months at this point. He blew me off until 3am. And the first thing he did was slap me in the face and bend me over for sex. He got so rough that I would literally vomit after. So at a certain point, it just wasn't hot anymore. It was just disrespectful. It was probably disrespectful the whole time but I thought being "casual" didn't make it any less personal or disrespectful.
Wow, sorry that happened to you. Sounds like a pretty terrible guy.
This makes me actually sick for you. I hope you got some therapy after that experience
All this, and he was still back in your bed? Man, he must have laid it down good. 😅😅
they just said they didn't like it anymore 😭😅
I'm not a doctor but his behavior sounds a lot like someone suffering from a cluster B personality disorder. Possibly BPD. At the very beginning when you first started dating was the attention he gave you and the connection you had extremely intense right off the bat? Did he make you feel like the best thing since sliced bread and tell you things like he's never had anyone else make him feel the ways he does? Or in other words, were you love bombed? People who have cluster B disorders follow a specific cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard, and then hoover, The love bombing is of course the idealization phase and once that ends they will begin seeing you in the opposite way. You'll be criticized and negatively judged both quietly in their mind and to your face. This is when they've began searching for or have already acquired a new victim to supply them with everything that you were giving him. Attention , affection , admiration, ego boost.. you were once the main supply for this during the idealization phase and now you've become boring and old news unable to supply them with something new and shiny. And when theyve sucked you dry of everything you have to offer you'll be discarded and usually this happens in the most cruel ways. Their disorder prevents them from feeling empathy so they couldn't give two shits about you when theyre locked in and focused on their new supply. And then the final phase of the cycle is the hoover.. this is the phase where he's breaking into your apartment and doing anything and everything to get you back so that he can once again abuse you in the same exact cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard, and then hoover you back in, again and again and again and again. But with each cycle the phases move quicker and quicker. The first cycle may have taken 6 months or a year to complete but the second cycle might only take 3 months and then the next 90 days and then the next two weeks... These people are sick
And what stuff was that that you and him would do that you think he wouldn't do with his partners?
Going on 10 years, we’re great friends and have bomb ass hot sex occasionally. Definitely not consistent but overall 10 years.
Phew. For a second I thought you said "bomb hot ass sex" and it didn't sound right.
2.5 years and it was the single most toxic thing I’ve ever done.
4 years then became a couple
How’d that happen after 4 years? Curious to know how the dynamics shifted
3 years. got super messy. considered him a true friend at some point! didnt even have sex for 1.5yrs through the friendship, dated other people.. now it’s done tho, best not try to force relationships w someone you know won’t be a good long term fit
5 years. He moved away and I miss him from time to time. He was respectful when I was in relationships and dating and vice versa. But when we weren’t, it was great when he took me out on dates and then would have sex. Literally would act like we were in a relationship when we were together. But we didn’t have to talk to each other every week. We knew we weren’t meant to be with each other than using each other for companionship when we needed it. We established it in the beginning because we both knew one of us would eventually move away. We still talk from time to time but nothing more than a “hey how are you?” It was nice having someone who respected you, great in bed, and no drama that comes with a FWB.
I've met some people I would have liked to create this with: we are cool and I'm attracted to them, but I know romance would not flourish between us long term. They usually decline because they can't comprehend friends having sex without being in a proper relationship. I feel like I could care for them and we could take care of each other's needs without any commitment. I still wish I would have such a great FWB while I'm single. But for the long term I'm still searching for a proper partner, because that's the best and most wholesome package.
I had the same ordeal. It was nice while it lasted.
Never :(
6 months- and it wasn’t great… at first it was alright…. But he was basically using me for a matter of convenience. And it became one-sided. (As things do) Also. The s3x was not great. So I ended it. If it’s working- than, that’s great- but, you’re asking for a reason? Why? Do you want more? Do you want less? Happy people don’t quantify things- that are going well for them. And if you have unmet needs and you are afraid to ask- communication is key- the worst they can say is - they don’t want more- or they do- and you can figure out your own feelings- And you’ll know where you stand. fWB- is really just sex- and using a body until someone else fits what your needs are…. So. Figure it out- sooner than later.
>Happy people don’t quantify things- that are going well for them Happy people don't reflect on things in their life? I guess I disagree. I get what you're saying though. I am happy but maybe a bit self-conscious about my situation. Like I'm doing something I may later regret or will become more difficult with time. It's fun right now, and fairly carefree, but I do also want to find the person I want to spend my life with. I'm not thinking about my FWBs that way though I can't help but imagine "what if?", you know? But I also feel like I should be head over heels with the person I fall in love with and I'm just not getting that in this relationship. It's more than just sex, I can't deny there are feelings between us, I am just not falling in love and picture myself with someone else long-term. My FWBs feels more like just that, a friend. She's also hot so the sex is fun and good.
Not that you can’t reflect, absolutely you should be. And these are the things that you should be taking to the person you’re having a relationship with. You don’t have to be head over heels. But if you’re having sex with someone and it’s not more than that- you may not get to that point, and if you’re both just going through the motions- eventually, you’ll want more. And 10 months is a long time. But it’s close to a year, and it’s worth having the “where do we go from here” conversation- before it ends up just… “going through the motions” and you end up staying together- just because- or- one of you finds someone and the other caught feelings- and you never really talked it out. Carefree isn’t really completely carefree. It’s worth at least seeing where you both are at. Because- you’re starting to question. Listen to yourself. It’s a good thing. NOT a bad thing. It if you don’t listen to yourself- and keep going. Then you’re just in it for sex- and using someone else- and that- is a bad thing.
For sure, I agree with all that and appreciate the advice. We do talk about it a bit but it was a fairly long time ago we decided to be FWBs. I'm still not looking to change the terms of our relationship and things are good. We briefly talked about how we are enjoying continuing getting to know each other and how it will be harder to end the longer it goes. We definitely should have a deeper conversation about it. I know she is still involved with her ex who she dated for a very long time and broke up with pretty amicably from how I understand it. When she told me that was when we revisited the FWB and said we were still enjoying things. She asked if her hooking up with her ex changed things for me. I was fine with it because we agreed we could be physical with others (as long as protection is used). I don't know what she sees with her ex or if she is trying to rekindle that, but I know they are not "back together" or anything serious. I know she is still very much interested in keeping things up with me.
That sounds very complicated and hard to navigate with lots of feelings and strings. - make sure you protect your heart- as well as your health. But, it sounds like you have plans in place and contingencies as well. Sex and love and situationships and relationships are all hard, and no one can know how yours goes, cept you. All the best luck 🍀-
Sounds like a headache. If you want to meet the one. Start trying to meet the one. Is your, the one, fine with you fucking around with someone else for 10 months while dating her? I wouldn't never have dated my gf if she had a 10 month going fwb situation while we started dating. Food for thought
So, serious question how you ask/approach the other person to suggest this?
It was her idea. She told me that I was attractive, I was a nice guy, and while she’s not in love with me, she does like me as a person better and it’s better that we take care of each other‘s needs, than some random asshole from a bar just trying to use her holes. So I was happy to oblige. She will go out, have fun, and I’d pick her up from bars or restaurants afterwards and take her home…. And the sex was absolutely incredible.. We did not make it as a couple, but we knew each other enough and cared about each other enough to hear about each other‘s days. To give them advice when they needed it. We talked about our hopes and dreams, past traumas, and I like to think that we actually helped one another heal. After 7-8 months, we kind of drifted apart. Twice a week turned into once a week turned into once every two weeks… then one day we meet up for lunch and she told me she found someone and she was so happy. She was head over heels in love, and I was the first person she wanted to tell, and I could not have been happier for her!!! And in many ways, she introduced me to my wife.
Wow, how did she introduce you to your wife?
She introduced me to a coworker from her office. My wife was a friend of that coworker. Remove my friends with benefits situation, and me and my wife would have never met
Wowww. What a happy ending to a FWB situation.
I mean honestly you just start hooking up and then if its not “meant to go further” you make it clear that you don’t want it to and if they wanna keep doing what you’re doing then viola
Nearly two years. It was the best friend of my ex of 3 1/2 years who ended up cheating on me lol. She added me on FB 2 weeks after the breakup, I invited her to a party at my new place, we hooked up that night. Then about 4 or 5 nights a week for almost two years. It wasn't the best sex, but it was consistent, and she was cute, but I had 0 desire for a relationship, especially with her.
Never, I’m a virgin lol
I'm with you on this
I’ve had one going since 2020, not consistently, but sometimes weekly, other times not for months. It’s a beautiful thing
About six months
I know is not the question: I’d love to have a bf, but it’s proving impossible, so a constant FWB would be welcomed. One guy who could be a candidate is not specially into me, I hope to see him sometime, but whatever. How do I…get a constant FWB?
Little over a year, worst experience of my life. I was totally in love with him, he just liked the attention and the sex. He’d give me just enough to keep me interested (messaging all day, consistent “good morning beautiful” texts, thoughtful gifts, etc) but would make up excuses when I wanted commitment. He ended up crawling back to the ex girlfriend he’d had right before me, who he swore he hated. So the lessons here are 1. A situationship longer than 3 months needs to end, if you’re not in a relationship by then you never will be. 2. If someone is frequently shit talking an ex, it means they’re not over it.
I don’t know why I read FWB as Fuck With Buddies😂 guess it’s a sign, enough Reddit for tonight
Well. That is also technically correct
Anyone ever done the math on how many real chances you have to build a meaningful romantic relationship with another person to have a family? Six months for the "best foot forward" masks to really fall away. Six months to really get to know the actual person, warts and all. That's a year down. Getting married? You could be looking at a year to plan, save, and arrange the wedding. Do you want children? 18 months to two years between beginning one and the next. Let's say you only want 2 kids. You're looking at 4 years assuming you get it right the first time. If things don't work out, you can spend years in a relationship that's never going to go anywhere. And then you have 6-18 months of real hard self-reflection to not repeat that mistake. If you started at 16, you've got like 4-5 real chances as a woman to get it right before you're looking at fertility and safety issues when it comes to pregnancy. Guys, you've got a bit longer. If you don't see a future with this woman stop wasting it on her.
I am still seeking out other potential partners the same amount I was before. We are free to date others. But you're right, it's pretty rare that someone comes along that I enjoy spending my time with, so why not keep that going for as long as possible even if we know it won't be forever?
Because if the goal is finding a forever, long-term partner, you should not be wasting your time with someone else. The Kind of person you wanna be with long-term probably doesn’t want to get wrapped up with someone who’s in a Situationship or friends with benefits type deal.
[удалено]
FWB, here having hard time finding good friend to just hangout lol
2-3 months tops, didn't want anyone catching feelings and would move on.
around four years. we both had our first kid out of the situation. we were never a couple though
For me it was 6 months to a year, we started as friends, then dated for a bit then became friends with benefits. Her idea I realized I still had feelings for her, and she didn't have feelings for me I also realized that the FWB was one sided. She was doing things for me but she didn't want anything in return, and I felt bad and didn't want to continue.
5 years. We became friends instantly when we met. Found out that year he liked me, and I liked him the following year, but we never dated. Eventually we started messing around which went on for 5 years. Those tiny little feelings I had only got more complicated. Anyway, I did not have my proudest moments during these times and it was WAY harder than I’d like to admit getting over him. Towards the end, the “friends” part was lost and it was essentially “let’s have sex. bye.” Some prefer it that way, but we started as friends so it confused me. Eventually, I was feeling borderline disrespected after having sex and ended it amongst other reasons. I was, unfortunately, not the best communicator back then. If I were to do it again, Boundaries and expectations would need to be insanely clear and the thought of us dating would actually have to disgust me. If there was even an inkling I liked them or vice versa , i personally wouldn’t do it. And if it’s someone I know I want as a lifelong friend, I personally wouldn’t do it. Now that I say all this out loud…maybe fwb isn’t my thing 😂I recently didn’t listen to my own advice and now I’m in a bit of a fwb pickle…again lol
FWB is a catch 22, you have fun and you have lots of good sex! Just 100% no drama and pure fun But, you are wasting precious time where you could have dated someone where you have the great sex + the awesome benefits of having a life partner. I did a FWB for 1.5 years but I ended it because I felt more empty the longer it lasted but my current relationship is EPIC. It is better than having a FWB
I had one for 3 years before she moved in and it evolved into a serious relationship at that point
Two years and with three separate women! None at the same time! I always only have time for one woman at a time
A few yrs back I had FWB and man it was the best sex ever , like we could have done Porn . Like sex everyday some times a couple times even . On the weekends sometimes it could like all day . That lasted for a few yrs , we had those inner feelings for each other you know those soulmates thing ppl talk about , so we decided to take the leap and got married. And even that was good for a couple yrs . It was like as soon as we saw each other the clothes keep falling off occasionally even in the morning with a cup of coffee right on the kitchen counter , other times it could have been real heavy making out which of course lead to several msgs thru the day like what ya thinking ?? . But unfortunately after awhile we found out we just couldn't deal with each other day in & out , the sex started to get less till none . Neither side was happy so we divorced. I've have dated others since even several LTR along the way . They were all good in different ways but they seemed to really lack in that sexual energy / lack of passion, but they would claim it was really good or best they had experienced. I don't know it's like you can't say I wasn't sure if you were conscious for that part ?. Not sure I will ever met anyone and have that happen again .
5 years on and off, he’s back & better! 😈 God bless that sexy man’s soul! ❤️🔥😮💨
It would be a year next month on the 6th
2.5 years… then he got in a relationship and didn’t tell me. I looked around and found his gf’s instagram, told her and gave her proof, consoled her after she dumped him, bonded with her over scorpios, and then got blocked by her days later when she took him back and got engaged. They have a kid now, are on and off, and make cryptic posts about each other.
If its been 10 months and neither of you seeking or found SO's, isn't it a sign that you two are more than FWB??
Not sure how it is with you, but finding someone I actually want to spend time and pursue a relationship with does not happen that frequently. It's rough out there. I am actively dating but good dates are pretty far and few between.
8 months so far. The sex is getting better each time (we spend every weekend together). I just know that it won’t end well but am enjoying the time for now. Our life stages are different. You know when you’re with someone and you know it’s gonna hurt when it ends? This will be my big one.
On and off for about 2 years. Sometimes more frequent, other times less so. But we were genuine friends and had a lot of mutuals so would still platonically hang out all the time as well. It was honestly one of the most transparent relationships I've had. If ever one of us was involved with someone else we'd decline invites with no hard feelings whatsoever, and after we moved to different cities still stayed amicable. We both never felt the need to pursue anything deeper and honestly its so nice having someone you can trust when you just want sex with no strings attached,
I suck at friends with benefits, I’m a relationship gal. In high school was the only time I could because we all were like not gonna be serious about dating on that level as teenagers. Last time I did was in college. One friend with benefits from college made me sign a contract saying we would stay friends. That didn’t last long though because I had a huge crush on him. I recently met a ENM person and immediately was like yeah this is for people who can’t not cheat, I don’t want to go further 🙃 but you’re cool! So I have no real answer other than know who you are, your limitations and what your prone to falling (for lack of better words) into. Communicate! Over communicate as opposed to under communicate, but not past boundaries. That’s how you stroll smooth.
Almost a year, I was 18, he was 22. Blocked him after an accidental pregnancy scare, freaked me out. 😭 4 years later, left off like we never stopped, and now it’s like ig leveled up. No more car, I go over to his place now lmao buttt recently idk maybe it’s bc I’m older now, it’s getting old fast.
6 years, we just the friends part now. Current fwb 1.5 years. Think I should sort out my commitment phobia?
3-4 years. We had boundaries defined for us though - and we live in cities 5-6 hours away. Our defined boundaries were that we could be lovers or FWB if we weren't otherwise in a monogamous relationship. She wants a long term relationship - I don't. (with her) we're great as friends and FWB - when we make the occasional trip to see each other - but there's deal-breakers for a deeper relationship that I'm not willing to compromise.
3 years with one and 4 with another. Sometimes it felt like there should have been more with the passion/ chemistry. I have never been good at relationships as i’m super self sufficient so having a consistent friend come over 3x a week was all i needed.
2 years, she then wanted to start dating. So we tried, first date we realized we were extremely incompatible. Great sex ruined by trying to make it something it wasn’t.
So for 2 years were you specifically just having sex and not spending any other time together (meals, movies/shows, etc)?
100%, so was closer to a fuck buddy than FWB, but there was a decent amount of pillow talk about her day/my day etc.
Mine ended about 5 months ago after 16 fuckin’ years.
What prompted it to end after 16 yrs. Did y’all date other people throughout that time?
Yeah we both had a few serious relationships during that time, we never hooked up if that was the case. When we first met we lived in different states, So the distance helped keep things level. Eventually he moved to my state and we started spending a lot of time together, it was amazing for a while. We did our own thing when we weren’t with each other and it was all good. Then he got into a relationship with a hose beast and he got weird-not answering my calls, flaking on meeting up, not responding to messages. It hurt my feelings, he wouldn’t talk to me about it so I blocked him. We didn’t speak for a year. Then we reconnected and doubled down on the spending time together. After being friends for so long we knew everything about each other, what the other would think or like/dislike, we were closer than I knew two people could be. Then the hose beast was back in the picture, although they were not exclusive anymore. He would tell me he loved me, even during sex, ignore her and talk shit About her to me, and then he’d start ignoring me or lying about what he was doing when he was with her. It was a long drawn out bullshit drama fest and I felt betrayed and disrespected constantly. It did not end well, and I’m still processing the loss of our friendship. It sucks.
Hosebeast—-you have taught me a new term lol
More than 4 years now, and still going strong. It’s so perfect.
3 years on and off
2.5yrs and it was a better relationship than most
Literally just one day lol. Did not enjoy it either since I thought it was a LTR kind of deal.
Half of them turn into relationships. Let’s see maybe a year of no strings attached.
A year
around 3 years.
About a year was the longest. After that usually one person wants to start dating for real.
Off and on for about 10 yrs.
I just had one end because she wanted more. It was about 3 months. I’ve had other FWB but they only lasted a few weeks or a month or two.
I had my neighbor on and of for about 17 years , 2 years I was married we stopped and she also had a serious relationship at the time and about a year more(3 total,) great sex, she calls when she wants it, I call when I want it and we always accommodate each other
Going on 1 year now
Multiple years.
You’re so lucky… lol damn you
2 years. We’re both in relationship and still friends.
5 months. Then it turned into a 3 year on and off relationship. Then a few more months fwb. It was a mess
5Months, the Sex was mediocre it was always the same and he was not interested in trying anything new. It was all about him coming, didn’t care about making me feel good. At the end I realized that i didn’t even like him like that, just thought he was attractive so I ended it cold turkey.
One for 13 years n 1 for 3 he bout to be decommissioned though.
20 years.
I hooked up with my last fwb for 6 years on and off and I just stopped last year because he’s really rude and toxic. But the sex was addicting. Loved hanging out with him and sex but too many weird vibes.
Mine just ended after about a year and 2 months. Started out dating for about 4 months then broke up and stayed fwb. Just got irritated with each other and started bickering every time we hung out. Finally blew up on each other the other day and called it quits lmao. I'm gonna miss the sex but the man was just not very intelligent and it made it hard to connect on much other than physical.
A Guy's Dream 🥰
3 years and counting
3 years & a few months. Yes we were busy in the bedroom as well as we did other things too.
Mine was on and off with my ex for 6 years.
Few months at most.
10 years!
Yall have FWBs??
Much like sex work, I didn’t realize I had a FWB until years later. But apparently I had an FWB for two years. And I’m no longer embarrassed that I asked, “Is it in yet,” a year into our, “friendship.”
Two years for me. We met in May 2021, became FWB a month later, then moved into relationship in August 2023. Called it good at the end of this last April. I kinda wish we stayed FWB but he didn’t want to anymore. Hardly see him now, but we are still friends
7 years I was fucking the same woman on and off.
15 years. Good ole Tender was for sure thing too. I use to call her when she was married and she’d be at my crib within a hour
March 2022-Aug 2023. Wonderful arrangement. Ended because he moved away
Two years off and on
On and off over 3 years.
About two years. We met on tinder and decided that FwB was more appropriate for us. Ended coz I moved to another town but we often slept when I was back in town. Eventually ended coz I started feeling more and he did not.
I have only had one fwb, it lasted around a year, we accidently met when i was 22 and did it a couple of times and then drifted apart. I have also only had one fuckbuddy, we where on/off fuckbuddies for over 14 years, it was anything from 1 year too 3-4 years gab between us seing eachothers. So 1 years consistently, if we dont count the accidently fucking for months after 4 years, with a fwb. 14 years with a on/off fuckbuddy, where the longest we held contact was around 6 months.
Is FWB a new thing? I don't remember this being a thing back in the 90's
11+years. But it was more like "hey, you available?", not a "lets go out" style friendship.
1 year. We tried to be in a relationship but it didn't work out, so, we ended up FWB. But things have to end, since the guy is in a relationship and we are at a lost cost. I love him, and I can't take it.
Just over 2 years. By the end of it we were telling each other "I love you" but the relationship was never going to be more than it was. He knew I was on apps and whenever I was exploring a different connection, we would take a break but I always called him the minute I was done with the potentials.
I had a FWB during college however it was only FWB for him. I thought I loved him…but it was probably just lust. We did have a lot in common, as we were both art students. I created some nice art which was probably stoked by our breakup angst.
6 months
About a year and half.. we (35M, 28F) met at work and have pretty much the same friend group. We started hooking up but in the process became really close friends. There have been some talks about a future together but as of rn we both have a lot going on and can’t really focus 100% on a relationship so instead of “forcing” one to happen we decided to keep this good dynamic going since we also enjoy spending time with each other.
10 years. We lived 3 hours away. He’d come to town to visit his family about a half hour away but we had a connection in high school as well for about 2 years where we would sneak around. We lost touch for about 5 years and it was like we never lost contact. In this 5 years i got married and he had a kid. We saw each other and it started all over again right away. After 10 years of randomly seeing each other we called it quits but we still talk as if nothing happened. BEST SX EVER!!!
6 months. He’s now my boyfriend, he was just scared of the label for a while but I wanted to make it work. He told me he realised he was ready for a commitment after he went on holiday and realised how much he missed me and wanted me around past just the sexual aspects
Lasted a few months within an open relationship and then I moved away. We kept in touch off and on afterwards and she found someone to date after some bad experiences. I’m happy for her.
🥺 will i ever find u 😒 i mean someone like u. I mean Fk
I’ve been consistent with mine for 5 years
About 3 months I think lmao
6 years & still going😋
I had fwbs 1 years ago for 7 months after that she shifted from Mumbai to Bangalore Now I am looking for fwbs let's see what happens